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MADIMATIONS Upcoming Issues! Spy Vs. Spy, Melvin & Jenkins and your favorite features from the And MORE! pages of MAD - animated online for the first time! Updated every Friday! Visit the Web site that's the pothole on the Information Superhighway! PULL MY CHEWEY PY TOM CHENEY
"Table seven wants to know why we're charging them $8,000 for one lousy piece of liver." DEPARTMENTS
LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT: Random Samplings of Reader Mail 4
WHEN THE SHIP HITS THE FANS DEPARTMENT: The Perfect Snore" (A MAD Movie Satire) 6
CIRCUS JERKS DEPARTMENT: When Clowns Go Bad 10
ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT: Monroe &...The Family Heirloom 12
.'.•••••..••.::••.•.• '• •. ' • • / • SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT: A MAD Look at the Olympics 15
PUT THE PEDAL TO THE MENTAL DEPARTMENT: The Intimidator LX Owner's Manual 19
JOCK KITSCH DEPARTMENT: Sports Memorabilia Cards We'd Like to See 22
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION DEPARTMENT: The Case For/Against Gore/Bush 24 Help End Civilization As We Know It!
VISA or MASTERCARD ORDERS CALL 1 -800-4-MAD MAG MON - FRI 8 A.M. - 11 P.M. Eastern Time 9 A.M. - 6 P.M. SAT U.S.A. And Canada Orders Only! OR USE ONE OP THE ANNOYING POSTPAID CARDS INCONVENIENTLY STUFFED SOMEWHERE IN THIS ISSUE TO GET YOUR MAD SUBSCRIPTION ROLLING! IF POSTPAID CARD IS MISSING WRITE TO: MAD P.O. Box 52345, BOULDER CO 80322-2345 MORE DEPARTMENTS
THE GEEK SHALL INTERNET THE EARTH DEPARTMENT: A Totally Honest Message From Bill Gates 26 THIS MONTH 1891 1891 IN HISTORY Rounded Bowling Bowling Invented; Ball Invented; Big Flop Game Improves TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTMENT: Dramatically 1993 A Rug's Life 28 Supreme Court Refuses PETA's 1967 Request to TV's Mr. Ed Launches Declare Chia Pets Second Career as BERG'S-IYE VIEW DEPARTMENT: an Endangered Dog Food The Lighter Side of 29 Species
1974 1971 University of Alabama LIVER LA VIDA LOCA DEPARTMENT: Johnnie Cochran Drops "Spittoon Skills" as Who's Who at a Botched Tells His First Lie Admissions Requirement in Front of Jury Organ Transplant Operation 31
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT: Spy Vs. Spy 33
THE TRAITS OF WRATH DEPARTMENT: Spot Vbur Parents! 37
LAME SHOW PHENOMENON DEPARTMENT: Some Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Questions We'd Love to See Regis Ask 38
AN IMAGE FAKEOVER DEPARTMENT: What is a Compassionate Conservative? 40
TRIBES AND TRIBULATIONS DEPARTMENT: "Survivoyeur" (A MAD TV Satire) ...... 42
GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT: MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death Betting Odds 48
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT: "Drawn Out Dramas" Various Places by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine
"Most wives are like ventriloquists — they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking!" — Alfred E. Neuman
FRONT COVER ARTIST: JAMES BENNETT »* **!£**, -#-
CANNON BAWL TEARS FOB CHEERS While you profess that your magazine IE CDC to TVGuide (Ju|y 8~14 issue)for is "geared towards 30-year-old men who JCCKw their recent Cheers to MAD for live with cats and communicate regularly CANADIANS CLUBBED our spoof of their lame multi-cover issues in with their mothers" (letters page #395), MAD #395. What do we have to do around I surmise your publication is actually I just bought issue #395 and while here to piss somebody off? a big seller with extremely unaware, reading it, I came across the article illiterate pre- and adolescent kids with "Sports Suction." I saw one item which acne problems who tend to play touched a very sensitive nerve...the Grey with their dingalings too much. Any comments? Please, no witty quips like Cup. If you think that Canadian sports tothat AUCCDC "You're a moron" or "a dingaling." An don't matter, you are wrong. We are very VnCCIxO usual gang intelligent response for once would be of idiots over at MAD proud of our teams. Overall, I am tired appreciated by all those who can't fathom magazine. It's been a of Americans being disrespectful to us. the success of your magazine or the idea while since we checked What's Wrong with Canada? Are we too that you consider yourselves truly gifted out the favorite reading nice? Are we too respectable? Whatever or talented artists and writers. It isn't material of our youth, the reason, I would like the insults to hard to sell garbage to a garbage swilling but how could we resist end. We are proud of our nation, just dumbed-down country. But still I would when we heard about like you are of yours, so why can't we like to hear your take on the success of MAD's three pages of just accept each other and try to get your publication. along better like neighbors should. illustrations celebrating (ahem, as MAD would B. Cannon, Templeton, MA Mike Higginson, Ontario, Canada say) TV Guide's multiple-cover collector's issues. MAD's parody included a Yo B — It's rare that we get a letter as Neighbor to the Great White North — four-cover TV Guide series honoring "Great idiotic as yours. Therefore, in an unprece Why the constant insults to Canada? Why Newscasting Debacles"— Dan Rather storm dented move, we are beseeching the %*4e the disrespectful attitude? Two words: ing off the set. Dateline bomb-rigging a truck, /4 Z>U*K& 7V&A. ?
POKEMON.ISH1I CALENDAR DAZE In 'The Pokemon Collectors Hall of Now you can have 365 days of stupidity at Fame" (MAD #394) you say that Derek your fingertips brought to you by the Usual Chan traded his sister for a one-of-a-kind Gang of idiots! The MAD Page-A-Day calendar Articuno card. There is no one-of-a-kind from Workman Publishing Company includes Articuno card! I know this because I am Alfred E. Neumanisms, illustrated gems from the #1 fan of Pokemon. To the right of Spy Vs. Spy, The Lighter Side of, Scenes We'd him you say that kid let his dog perish in Like to See and other crap from our archives. a fire to save his rare Pol iwag card. The Available now wherever calendars are sold! Poliwag card is a circle rarity (easy to get, complete opposite of rare) card. I think I should be in the Hall of Fame, because in a couple of weeks I will be getting my 250th card!
Rob Saylor, Poland, OH Saylor boy— Several years ago we printed an article called "You're a Winner and a Loser." Somehow we feel the writer must have had you in mind because when you write to a major magazine bragging that you are the "#1 fan of Pokemon," you, 'ol Pikachu Boy, are indeed a winner and a & loser! Best to Team Rocket! —Ed. «0NS4X^^ u.s < 0 *noas» 17! CO ? _i„ne, *££ otfice -
THE ID'S,,, Mrrr riirr As a film/video major at the University of William M- Gaines Michigan, I had the founder opportunity to fulfill two dreams in one day. Jenette Kahn To get a free subscrip president & editor-in-chief tion to MAD and sit next to this girl 1 liked. Paul Levftz Spike Lee was there executive vice president & publisher too, doing something. Nick Meglin & John Ficarra Looking at the quality editors of the pictures, it appears that I should be winning a free Editorial: subscription to some Charlie Kadau & Joe Raiola camera magazine. senior editors David Shayne associate editor Josh Herma n, Farmington Hills, MI Amy Vozeolas assistant editor Dick DeBartolo creative consultant Dorothy Crouch vp-licensed publishing and associate publisher
Art Department: Sam VTviano art director Josh Herman of Farmin ton Hills, Ml does £^^** "££ S Nadina Simon associate art director Leonard Brenner graphics consultant Maria Wyche production artist
Circulation: GALL m THE FAMILY MAD MUMBLINGS @aol.com Tracy Bowen manager-newsstand sales Administration: In Issue #395, you printed a letter Light bulbs go down easier if you let 'em melt r Patrick Caldon vp-tlnance & operations from our brother. Are 3 ou going to in your mouth — GoodBick...! have slippers, but Alison Gill exec, director-manufacturing let the guy lord that over us the rest I try not to wear them both at the same time Lillian Laserson vp & genera! counsel of our lives? because my feet get too hot — BB...Thorazine Contributing Artists Andrew Cutrofello, Susan Cutrofello and Prozac - they're not just for breakfast and Mary Cushing, Evanston, IL anymore! — zombi...l used to think the White And Writers Spy was good, but now I'm confused — the usudl sang of idiots Cutrofello Sibs — We vividly remember BScott93S>5...Don'tyou hate it when you leave your brother's pathetic letter in which for school without your pants — SpiceG1031... he claimed to be on "the tip" because I really enjoy milking a goat while screaming he played with a Rubik's Cube. Well, "MAD is my Savior" — CordisB. ligations, inc;, 1700 Broadway, New yck we printed your letter so now he can't cdicals postage paid at New York, N.y. an; lord that over you for the rest of your lotting offices. Subscription in U.S.A.: 12 S45.I 00- lives. Now it's your turn to step up to 5 Con ; co 36 issues $73.00. (Canadian price has GST -ax Included.) the plate and set your brother the £n:::e contents ffl copyright 2000 by'S.C. Publications, Inc. Aliow 10 weeks for change of address to become effective, professional counseling he so obvi and include rnailing [ace! when making change of address. ously needs, you might also make or inquiring about your subscription. POSTMASTE3: send address cUanse to MAD, P.O. Box 5234S Boulder, CO the counseling available to the many 3D3£2-:3-:. --z f-ubiisher and Enters •.'.••!: no; be -esocr.- students whose academic lives he's man left in ruins! —Ed. haracters useo In all P.S. Please, please, we don't want whining letters from any other Cutrofello family members next month! This is an amazing I'm Captain Bully Time of the 'm Bobbin' Shaftford, a novice I'm Surf, and I'm separated series of weather Andrea Bail! My last fishing fisherman! It wasn't until my from my wife, too! I wonder •I phenomenons! trip was a disaster, so I'm third trip out that I discovered why so many crew members have jji Hurricane Grace is blowing back at sea trying to do better! when you catch tuna, they're woman problems! They always seem * out to sea, while Tropical I need to catch more fish to NOT in those little cans! to have a headache when we want Storm Henry is blowing make some real money because Fishing for anything is tough! to drop our hook in their pond! in! Sandwiched in the Sometimes I wonder why I put up I wonder if all these months at middle, getting pounded expenses are killing me! There's boat rental, bait, fuel, repairs, with these endless hours of sea without a shower has anything from both sides, is backbreaking work! Then we'll to do with it! I work hard so my local depression Irma! salaries, food and the biggest expense of all, buying fish so I accidentally catch a vicious shark, son can get a better education than It's truly a meteorological and I remember: 1 need money to me! For that to happen, he just menage a trois! have something to unload when has to make it to the fourth grade! dock, and everybody's watching! help pay off my divorce lawyer!
'm Buggy Moron, and I do real I'm Alfred Sea-Air, one of the crew! When I'm Sulky, a restless malcon bad with the women! I do real we're not catching fish, the only thing to tent! Why am I so ornery? bad with men, too, but don't let do aboard this tub is to watch movies Because I'm the only sailor THAT get around! My luck is on our VCR! For this trip the skipper rented who gets sea sick! But I won't changing a bit, though! 1 just The Peacemaker] Not the greatest choice, give any of my mates the met a woman who likes me for but it's got to be better than the satisfaction of seeing me throw myself! How do I know? Because last three he rented: Batman And Robin, up — so l secretly do it down she gave me a 10% discount One Fine Day and Three Kings] in the galley! Here's a tip: on her regular overnight rate! Hoo boy! Talk about your bombs! don't eat the chowder! WHEN THE SHIP HITS THE FAN DEPT. ^~> That's the crew of the Andrea Bail! Fearless men heading out to sea with hope, determination and purpose! What happens when these men go up against the incredible forces of nature? Actually, not too much! Break open a new bottle of No-Doz, here's... THE
PERFECARTIST: MORT DRUCKETR WRITER : DICKSNOR DEBARTOIO E
Fishing is worse Surf's right, Captain! Cut it out! We're all part than ever, Captain! Look! This last We're arguing of the same team on I'm afraid we've swordfish we caught over who started this boat! Everyone must caught everything was already mounted on the argument! treat everyone else with that can be caught a plaque! There's nothing And I say, I did! care and respect! Now in these waters! more to catch here! you F*@$!ing morons, shape up, or else! m Look at that, boys! All right, we turn Man, talk around,speed about your The hook barely Captain, the great ocean hit the water and refrigeration unit home and if we can sell just views! 1 bet we caught a just burned out! this one fish for the landlord whopper! Our luck Don't catch any more $3,000 a pound, raises their has changed! It's fish! I don't know how ^ we'll still rent now! clear sailing to keep the one you come out okay! from now on! caught from spoiling!
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As audiences expected, this terrible storm will center itself] directly over the fishing vessel Andrea Bail, out there in the dangerous waters of the Really Grand Banks!
The Coast Guard is attempting to rescue three sailors from Q a boat that is taking a pounding at the Grand Banks!
The rescue basket is full of fish Reel in all the fish again! I never knew the Grand you can! 1 know Banks had so many fish! We lowered a captain who'll the basket just twice and we must pay big bucks have caught 50 of 'em! for them!
11 Today's forecast calls for sunshine — for about 15 seconds! Then the storm of the The ship Actually, Interesting Not only that! Just , century strikes again —with twice the power! i seems upside though, that our luck, the refrig to have down even upside eration unit started developed is the down and working again! We're quite 2* very most underwater, underwater with a ton a list. a ship all the lights of ice! This is Poseidon Captain! can list! still work! Adventure meets Titanic!
w1 CIRCUS JERKS DEPT.
Back in MAD #327, we exposed the unfortunate re sults that can happen When Priests Go Bad. Then, in MAD #390, we continued our muckraking with When Nuns Go Bad. Now, in our most shocking, gut- wrenching expose to date, we chronicle what happens...
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From plastic Buddha figurines to the Death of Superman comic books — everyone's convinced their old crap has cash value. Why should our young hero be any different? For what it's worth, here*s...
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PUT THE PEDAL TO THE MENTAL DEPT.
What's the greatest menace on our nation's highways today? No, it's not those moronic "My Child Is An Honor Student" bumper stickers — it's road rage! But while we may see road rage as an out-of-control social problem, Detroit carmakers see it as a golden sales opportunity! If drivers are going to express a ^^ violent tury and unchecked hostility on the road, why not target a car expressly for this —- HEADLIGHTS growing niche market? MD HIGH BEAMS Something like... _^^^^==iES- TU£_ ScoTumn to SiE °" H» ,e* side of the If s. Push the hSSSriS dfCt'me the "ad- ( bnghts") function TK.Sff^ ^h beam Sefu for gatinapproaching gC drivers& 5 ' han Endin^ "*g * LX are 50o/o ^{^json the Intimidator and are ang/ed to /fl^^Parabie vehicles point directly into I @#t%i "— aoo a tne rearview and WELCOME! _^er^ £ side mirrors of the driver ahead Tx is the first domestic ve through this
manual «refuHyb^ may fe&M. ,evels of iuoroayd rage. irtoW to other mowww levelvL«.««taDplYts w * o 'ND'CATOR LIGHTS d Therefore,you m^ geriButg,ve.t^me. ^_ Tum signals OT vour current degree /V • Federal regulations require BELT we equip the Intimidator LX OMEONE ELSE Wghts to signal therU *rectron of a turn toothe r motorists. You will findX Procedure unnecessary
ARTISTS: BILL WRAY AND TIMOTHY SHAMEY WRITER: DARREN JOHNSON NSTRUMENTS AND CONTROLS continued Suggested horn beeps Lane change signal Shown are the suggested number of horn beeps to be To indicate a lane change, used in different traffic situations. The actual number wi move the lever on the left vary according to road conditions, weather and driver's side of the steering column mental state. Please be aware that this list is merely a up (right lane change) or suggestion, and far from comprehensive. down (left lane change). As with turn signals, this step is NOTE: When in doubt, it is best to lean on the side of pointless. Simply veer into the caution by steadily leaning on the horn for 15-30 lane you wish to enter, forcing the other driver(s) seconds. Repeat as desired. to decelerate and/or swerve off the road. # of horn beeps Situation 2-3 HORN Car ahead is driving too slow The horn is activated by firmly pressing the buttons on Traffic signal has turned green and cars either side of the steering wheel. It is important to keep ahead have not yet started to accelerate 5-6 the horn maintained and in perfect working order, for it Pesky bicyclist delivering newspapers 7-10 will be used frequently. The Intimidator LX boasts horns Bus/taxi has stopped specially designed to be 100 decibels louder than those for drop off/pick up 12-15 found on tractor trailers. Pedestrian crossing too leisurely 20-24 Elderly pedestrian with walker/ wheelchair crossing too slowly 30-35 Ambulance attempting to pass to get to accident victims 35-40 Previously cut-off car is attempting to retaliate 45-50 Clearing a path when being pursued by police car(s) 75-100
DRIVER AND PASSENGER SAFETY
SEAT BELTS DOOR LOCKS Wearing the lap/shoulder seat belts is fundamental to the safety of you and your passengers. Seat belts keep you It is not safe to leave your Intimidator LX doors unlocked. from being thrown about the vehicle when careening With doors unlocked there is a greater chance of being wildly through traffic at breakneck speed. Seat belts also pulled from your vehicle and beaten by the motorist you prevent driver from accidentally falling from vehicle when flipped off two blocks back. leaning out of window to make obscene gestures and/or fire weapons at other drivers. TRAVELING WITH CHILDREN Always secure a child properly in a child safety seat. Any EMERGENCY EQUIPMENT child who is too large to use a safety seat should ride in the rear seat and wear a lap/shoulder belt. They may then The Intimidator LX comes factory equipped with many observe you and join in making faces and obscene accessories that can be used in case of emergency gestures at other motorists. situations the raging driver may encounter: Never hold an infant or toddler on your lap when driving your Intimidator LX. Not only can this seriously injure or kil a child during a collision, it can also hinder your ability to perform high-speed maneuvers and/or brandish weapons.
Lug wrench Scalding hot liquid from Cigarette lighter in-dash beverage holder
TRAVELING WITH PETS ^ Pets should always be restrained while you are driving, except for pit bulls, rottweilers, or particularly nasty poodles, which can often assist you during a roadside brawl. 20 DRIVING YOUR VEHICLE
PREPARING TO DRIVE PARKING You should do the following checks and adjustments every day before you drive your Intimidator LX. Whenever possible, park your Intimidator LX in the spot • Make sure all windows and mirrors are clean and unobstructed. nearest your destination. Do not hesitate to argue, fight or Adjust the rear-view and side mirrors. Check that you have maim for this spot if required. Should you be unable to maximum visibility for cutting-off or side swiping other vehicles. get the nearest spot or lose it to an even more aggressive • Ensure that driver's side window is open so that other drivers driver, use an alternate location as illustrated. can hear you yelling and swearing. Note: If the nearest parking spot is a wheelchair- • Check that all handguns and rifles are fully loaded. marked handicapped one, remember your Intimidator • Adjust the seat and steering column. Ensure that you are able LX comes equipped with a counterfeit handicapped to lean out the window to shake fist or aim firearm comfortably. parking permit in the glove compartment. ACCELERATION AND DECELERATION To achieve superiority on the road, it is important to accel On curb and/or sidewalk In flowerbed/landscaping erate and decelerate properly. Refer to the illustrations for correct usage of the gas and brake pedals. Gas pedal
During acceleration, gas pedal should be depressed fully to the floor. Essential for jackrabbit starts, weaving between other drivers, tailgating, etc. Brake pedal During deceleration, pedal should be stamped down firmly with both feet, causing brakes to fully lock. Essential for panic stops, cutting off other drivers, discouraging tailgaters, etc.
MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE APPEARANCE/CARE The maintenance schedule specifies how often your CLEANING HINTS Intimidator LX requires service. The schedule assumes Maintaining a clean exterior helps to keep your Intimidator an average degree of road rage and outlines the mini LX looking new. This section gives you hints on how to mum required maintenance. preserve your car's appearance. Due to differing emotional intensity and psychological • Wash your car periodically to remove dirt, grit, bloodstains and stability of drivers, some additional service may be caked hair from grill and hood. needed. • Inspect the body for chips and scratches caused by ramming 4 8 12 16 20 other drivers off the road. Repair them immediately with touch- Service at the indicated time or months up paint to prevent possible hit and run prosecution. number of road rage related incidents 2 4 6 8 10 • Check the underbody for debris. Remove any road signs, mail ncidents—whichever comes first boxes or pedestrians that may have been mowed down and Replace kicked-in door panel • lodged into these areas. • You may discover extensive body damage such as dents from Replace smashed-out window » bicyclists landing on the hood and roof or bullet holes from Replace dented/missing bumper * other Intimidator LX drivers. These problems should be repaired by a professional. Replace antenna ripped off to use as whip t Clean "outrage spittle" from inside windshield * Clean and oil handgun 1 Repair tire blown by bullet ricocheting off other car $
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21 M M I 1 ! | i ' i , ; . ' • ' Iw^ JOCK KITSCH DEPT. ______-—| Authentic ^ i > t r t companies use many gimmicRS THE rfl^-^ •• -K o»^nW ^ hefp jncr|ase isales. ; The newest j hard-to-ifirld _-______-—^4____l ____--- '"'"*'"T^_thr ii ' cardcarciKs inrlurfincludpe --"na"game-usedm " pieces of jerseys, bats, nets and other memorabilia. Ho\y about some rare cards that offer some truly collectible stuff? Here's... °%^.
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"• • ISScommenlator . * _o _ GENUINE ^ANTY SWATCH NASCAR DangerZone %V0tt DARRYt STRAWBERRY NEW YORK YANKEES ;;,;;• CARRUTH Fan-Injuring Crash Shrapnel rm?f : oc_ Commemorative Piece Arrest Record SPORTS SCANDALS 2000 fa__za__i ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION DEPT. Election day is fast approaching and soon you must make the decision who to vote for as the next President of the United States. Historically, this is rarely an easy thing. Usually, the choice is between two lying, hypocritical, special interest pandering dirtbags. How to decide? You could research the candidates' records THE CASE and try to make a rational decision, or you could do what most Americans do and let someone else do the thinking for you — mainly us! Here's... OR C1C1R He's not George W Bush. • He'll pick up many wise spiritual truisms while visiting Buddhist temples to pick up soft money donations. • Any Ken Starr-type sleazoid dirt-sniffer who wishes to probe into his extra-marital sex life will immediately lapse into a coma. . If for any reason he cannot fulfill his duties, he can be replaced by one of those robot Presidents from Disneyland...and nobody would be the wiser. He has good looking daughters and he's enough of a sell-out to do anything for re-election funds, so we can look forward to a "Hot Babes of the First Family" spread in Playboy. AGAINST GOR If he's crazy enough to think he invented the Internet, he's crazy enough to think — and do — anything. Thanks to his wife Tipper and her conservative stand on Rock lyrics, the most cutting edge artist to be saluted at the Kennedy Center - Honors will be Kenny G. . After eight years of unswerving loyalty to the Clinton administration and faithful service to the Gore cam paign, Barbra Streisand will be that much closer to an ambassadorship... and we'll be that much closer to some ugly international incident. • After two terms in the White House, his only real experience consists of stalling Hillary from entering the Oval Office while Bill zips up his fly. His plan to put a computer in every American home will overload the Internet, making it take that much longer to download porn. 24 FOR mim ' He's not Al Gore. It'll be fun to watch Rush Limbaugh and other conservative commentators explain why this particular draft-dodging, former drug-using President is somehow more ethical than the last draft dodging, former drug-using President. Foreign dignitaries will be mooching considerably less dinners at the White House fearing that barfing on diplomats runs in the Bush family. Unlike Gore, Bush won't sell out to Chinese special interests — Bush only sells out to American special interests. He won't be giving away any national security secrets to foreigners, since he's not smart enough to understand them himself. AGAINST BUSH • If he's crazy enough to think he has a good environmental record, he's crazy enough to think — and do — anything. He just might ask his father for advice...and even worse, take it. His election will encourage other politically ambitious governors to fry as many criminals in the electric chair as he did, causing frequent massive power outages nationwide. • The fate of the free world will be in the hands of a man who's often stumped by the $100 question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. - It'll only encourage his brothers Marvin, Jeb and Neil to run for President later on, starting a Kennedy-style dynasty of politicians — only this time with nimrods. ARTIST: SAM SISCO WRITER: BARRY LIEBMANN 25 ? THE CEEK SHALL INTERNET THE EARTH DEPT. Ever since a federal judge ruled that the Microsoft monopoly must be broken up into itty-bitty pieces, BiO Gates has taken his case to the airwaves in a series of pathetic, whiny image ads in which he portrays himself as a cuddly, well-intentioned innovator (as opposed to the vicious, back-stabbing, cutthroat robber baron we know he really is}! But if the chairman of Microsoft REALLY wants to improve his image, he'd come clean in... A TOTALLY HONEST MESSAGE FROM OILL GATES Citizens of the World: Normally. I don't lower myself to talk to the public - I dunno. Incidentally, when I say I am Bill Gates, I guess it's out of some justifiable feeling of superiority! I'm the "Richest Man in founder of Microsoft, But I'm making an exception now, because the U.S. the World" I mean and the Richest Government, which is only SLIGHTLY richer than me. is the "Richest Man Ever, Man in the World! trying to do something very bad for you, the consumer, and, in History." Just so By far! more importantly, for me! It's trying to break up Microsoft! we're clear on that! ARTIST: AN6ELO TORRES WRITER: MIKE SNIDER Anyway, Well, to anyone right Whoa! This guy's pretty damn sincere! Who cares if all those rumors How can the who knows the now Maybe 1 ought to be paying attention I've heard about how he goes for break up of facts, it's obvious you're to what he says, instead of writing two weeks without showering Microsoft that breaking up probably him off as a whining, desperate and attends board meetings possibly be Microsoft would saying to bad for me be horrible for yourself: zillionaire who will do ANYTHING smelling like a garbage dump are personally? to protect his obscene cash flow! true? He really cares about me! consumers! See, every application we've ever put out contains millions of J J Most of that source code is there just to get the PC to do what lines of "source code," that indecipherable mumbo-jumbo that r—\ R's supposed to! But a tiny little bit of it is designed to do some only the computer - and we here at Microsoft - understand! extremely interesting things inside your computer, such as: Translate every Microsoft Sign up you and all the Make your Microsoft Excel | Word document from English people in your Microsoft program at work siphon off into Swahili, or Ancient Outlook Address Book for one dollar from everybody Sanskrit, or those "Wingding" a non-cancelable three- n else's account into a file called characters nobody knows year subscription to the Microsoft Network! "My-Embzzle$" and then transmit what the hell are for! a copy of that file to your boss! Pretty scary, eh? Did those wild-eyed anarchists at the Justice Department even consider these possible consequences to the consumer when they came up with the radical notion of a break up?! 1 think not! But you have the power to make sure those Oh, and also In conclusion, let me say: With all my things never occur! All you have to do is write, fax remind them that May the "Blue Screen of best-simulated- or e-mail — using Microsoft Outlook, of course — we know how to Death" never visit your non-threatening your congressman, senator, governor, mayor, remote-access Windows-based PC, or "warmth," this dogcatcher — whatever! — and tell them what a is Bill Gates, the everything on THEIR at least no more than it silly, silly, silly idea breaking up Microsoft is! does now - which it won't, Richest Man in the hard drives, too! if you do exactly as 1 say! Known Universe! Hey IDIOTS! HOLD it! This is the EMERGENCY ROOM! CARPET DELIVERIES go to the RECEIVING Department on Four! \D WHAT Carpet? This IS 1 •M_7 an EMERGENCY! This is a >) STEAM ROLLER VICTIM! (C » SWlTZf.£ // ^ ^ towd* ,\< •z.o $7 28 ARTIST ANP WRITER: DUCK ED WING BERC S EYE VIEWDEPT. JUSTICE Has the Yes, Your Honor! If you ask me, jury We find the this political reached defendant NOT correctness has a verdict? INNOCENT! really gone too far! FLYING Damn! I've already seen the Shut up and keep movie they're showing on this flying this plane! flight! Now what am I supposed to do for the next two hours? COMPETITION DATING Kimberly, my therapist told me I have to be more aggressive in my relationships! RELATIONSHIPS [Sergio, we're only married | I had to take That's what a I'm concerned [ Not necessarily! ^ a few months and I it off, Charlene! wedding ring's with the way people Let's try doing a see you're not wearing It was stopping SUPPOSED to do! react to me, Dr. Forman! simple word your wedding ring! my circulation! Do you think it's association process! ^ something serious? 'II say a word. BELIEFS it's soing to look great on my college application! THE OFFICE Charlie, your office has replaced mine for being the messiest in this organization! JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. ARTIST: PETER KUPER WRITER: DUCK EDWINC 33 34 35 teeep///'/5 THE TRAITS OF WRATH DEPT. , do you think your folks are lame? Do they embarrass you at every turn? Do theyimake you cringe every time they :•: V open their mouths? join the crowxll Time to... / f, :L TMs Issue... £poT AN IMAGE FAKEOVER DEPT. That good of boy George W. Bush is going around the Presidential campaign trail calling himself a "Compassionate Conservative." This line is now being adopted by the rest of those stone-hearted right wing boobs. But what exactly is a Compassionate Conservative? The very term is an oxymoron! But at the risk of tipping the election, we now expose... WHAT IS A The Compassionate Conservative The Compassionate Conservative believes in arresting illegal works quietly behind the immigrants and sending them scenes to keep blacks from back to where they came from... joining his country club... ...bttt makes an exception for the Mexican he employs as a gardener at one-half the minimum wage. The Compassionate Conservative The Compassionate Conservative locks out his workers when makes a fiery speech they try to unionize... denouncing homosexuality... 7 T ...but provides each of them with a free Thanksgiving turkey every one of the four years they've been picketing. ARTIST: RICK TULKA 40 miMMfMCThe Compassionate Conservative refuses to hear death row appeals based on DNA evidence... ...but makes sure everyone ...but makes absolutely sure knows it was because of the condemned men have him that those same their choice of a last meal blacks' teenage sons got and of either a lethal steady summer employment injection or the electric chair. as caddies and busboys. The Compassionate Conservative delivers the keynote address at an ERA dinner... ...but is careful to omit the ...but leaves early to write words "fag," "homo" and other condolence notes to the derogatory phrases he uses parents of the most recent high school shooting victims. when talking with his friends. WRITER: FRANK JACOBS 41 Y* TRIBES AND TRIBULATIONS DEPT. I*m Jerk Probst, host of this primitive game show, where we take sixteen I people and divide them into two teams of whatever number you get when you divide sixteen by two! This experience will change their dull, dead-end lives forever, and maybe, just maybe, do a little something to change CBS, the Continually Boring Station! And you'll be able to watch the whole thing! That's why we call this show... We've been given two minutes to take what we can from this ship, and swim to that dangerous jungle island in the middle of the South China Sea! I'm a corporate training exec so 1 say the very first thing to do is make a list, then prioritize it! So I grabbed a laptop! I hope the others on my team take enough material to build an electric generator! ~t -j p^ » -*v- -v :^\ .S&i ; »3 3 '- \- A. e&?H Watf ^szrx' h CLUB Nieos nfl-if] 1 _ L 7 ^ «23**S/ fr VL^' ^ ^m V) IS %>% ,K**- £•» &v<4. M iU From what I hear we'll I'm taking sexy bathing I'm Rudely, former Navy Seal! I'm going to put have to eat on the island, suits! I've tried personals, my military training to use, so I'm taking these I think we just might need singles bars, everything! multi-copy forms and authorization slips! these boxes of Pillsbury This island may be I'll get stuff done with all the speed of Rat-Helper, Bug-Helper my LAST chance a government project! Where's the PX and Snake-Helper! to get a husband! on this godforsaken hell hole? ARTIST: BILL WRAY .WRITER: DICK D EBARTOLO They picked this island because I'm taking buckets I'm taking I brought Dave I'm taking a shotgun! Even of the rough terrain, the rats and crates, so I'll these Berg, because if there's no wildlife to and the bugs! It's the same be able to collect traps to bag on the island, I can use help I can't imagine island people stay on when water and anyone else who it on the rest of the creeps they fall for one of those us have wood catch I would rather in this group, especially my $99-a-week vacation to make be trapped on a rotten tribemates! They'll scams in the newspaper! fish! a shelter! desert island with! never vote me off! M§ u* 7 a--> ' ' s-*C V % m # h k? WS s v rL Those other survivors are 2 I want out now! This is What are you I'm not talking about' idiots! I'm taking this chest inhumane! Flesh packed talking about? the island! I'm talking with the million bucks against flesh! The lack You're not about that horrible and flagging down the of food, the way people even on the flight down here! next ship heading back smell, the crappy Flying coach is way we're treated! island yet! to America! worse than ever! 43 This is your tree Nope! We may be out of mail box! Check Can't you just civilization, but we are still every day for tell us what we're in show business! Okay, messages! There's to do instead of I'll tell you your first no tree mail these pretend challenge — build a shelter! Sundays or holidays! fake mail scrolls Now. I'm going to my hotel! Last FedEx with bad magic But don't be jealous, room pick-up is 3 p.m.! marker writing? service stops at 9 p.m.! DAY ONE—THE PAINFUL TRIBE MEANWHILE AT THE TACKY TRIBE Man. Grabbing Don't get too crazy Seven's good! It's the first Damn! Why that's the Erecting with the praise! We've voted you off step! I built a did we have terrific! Huts for I checked and the island. Boo Boo. time clock! Now to get a Good Dummies there are only Now that you've way we can make bean counter job, book really seven bedrooms built the house, sure every tribe from the Boo- eight people! you're useless! member is corporate pulling world to be their own weight! in our tribe! Hl Me too! Yesterday all we got was junk mail addressed to "Occupant," and that stupid package from Publisher's Clearing House! 44 --*&. This is the sacred m Good thing we can't J Did he sayl It's scared ground of the W be voted off for this was 1 ground to Tribal Counsel, H. snickering at how * "sacred 1 the network! where one of you will £ stupid and hokey i ground"? 1 This is the be voted off the r this whole tribunal Isn't most ad island for failing to \ counsel crap is! i that a income CBS has pull their own weight! ( We'd all be off!1 bit much?! made in years! m « \ ^': They said write the name of the person we want to vote off, look into the camera, and say something nasty about them, because they can't hear! TACKY TRIBE. DAY 8, AS IF YOU REALLY CARED Look, everybody! i found a I made something These are box of to help us eat our great! What wooden Today's Not me, I'm How do you figure that? Hmm, you meals! A pair of did you forks and challenge? a vegetarian! can't chopsticks for make them I carved Each one of You never see worms argue each one of you! them up! us has to eat Worms are more I in the meat department! with that out of? a big, ugly vegetable They're with fruits kind of orm for dinner! than meat! and vegetables! reasoning! 1/ DAY 24 — YEAH, DAY 24...WE CUT A LOT OF STUFF OUT! DON'T YOU WISH CBS HAD DONE THE SAME THING? Before I give you your next Boo-Boo sued us for cruel Spacey challenge, let me tell you what and unusual punishment, and we went on Who happened to the people you voted settled out of court for a Wants To Be off the island! Senilia got a million dollars cash, but we A Millionaire special prize of $500,000 cash as and won a have much better lawyers now, so million dollars! "first to be booted off the island"! don't even think about trying that! o ^ J Ramoanin' made a deal with And Dirt got The only thing left is for one VanHeusen, the company doing a contract with of us to sign on as a consultant) Regis' new clothing line, to Playgirl to do a for a cartoon version of this centerfold! He'll show! I'm swimming for the endorse the new Survivor pull in at least Clothing Line, so she'll half a million! mainland right now before make a few million dollars! that opportunity is gone! LATER THAT DAY, OR MAYBE A DIFFERENT DAY! THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME ON THIS CRAPPY ISLAND Today's challenge? Search for a them! .—,-. %• if already Tacky tribe, jg mzm screaming teammate They you lost We've in the woods hear are lots of the already pretending to be victims challenge! screams of a voted! It's a plane crash from It's time unanimous! victim! Find them, the REAL to vote at plane We all make a stretcher and woods! the Tribal voted wreck! bring them back here! Council! for you! m >%? ^ eJw* o» • J mm GRIEVING LA* VECAS DEPT. MADs CEliEBRITy CHUSE-OF-DEHTU Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line how one of today's biggest stars is going to become bosom buddies with the Grim Reaper! THIS MONTH'S CELEBRITY WHO, ON THE WHOLE, WOULD RATHER BE IN PHILADELPHIA: EATTLE a0- WMMACtfi -TOM HANKS CAUSE OF DEATH ODDS S "~—TlSSB Accidentally hugged-to death by Michael fANKs J£[Cf3 Duncan Clarke at a Green Mile cast reunion l'l j%f Gags on own vomit while delivering _ - Ar> HIS": fmS .fef cutsey Oscar presenter patter 3il | Strangled by dimwit moviegoer for not revealing I <*S how WWII turned out in Saving Private Ryan 5 • 1 ^Drowns in tears of sobbing women telling , himHear howt attac theyk love whilde Sleepless having flin ing Seattlewith cCl; A League of Their Own co-star^. ^.Madonna 4«1 ?^bw i J3eena Davis 7*1 ^RosieO'Donnell __. 54,750,000,000:1 Wmafe #|-f*S^< 10b WHAT MEASURE HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS ARE MANY STATES AD F • Rioting in the streets after sporting events, terrorist acts, wilding CONSIDERING TO incidents—today average Americans are under assault the minute ROTECT INNOCENT they walk out their front door. They are increasingly demanding that the government protect them. To find out what step many CITIZENS? states are taking to protect their citizens, fold page in as shown. FOLD PAGE OVER LEFT A MORAL DILEMMA FACES EVERY OFFICIAL AND REGULA TOR OF THE LAW. POLITICIANS AT EVERY SYMPOSIUM ON THE DEADLY USE OF FORCE ARE IN DISAGREEMENT. WITH PENT-UP EMOTIONS ON ALL SIDES,THE MAIN CASUALTY IN THESE CONFRONTATIONS IS TRUE JUSTICE ^V ARTIST AND WRITER: AL JAFFEE ^7] G»e Fine Itag ftath e Mttufeicw ARTIST: JAMES WARHOLA WRITER: MICHAEL GALLAGHER