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April Fools 2021 Print Issue Mamaroneck High School • Mamaroneck, NY • Volume XXXVIII, Number 6 • April Fools 2021 MHS to Introduce Social-Distancing Bubbles full capacity? Principal Clain nated circle, using their personal By FATIMAH KHAN says, “While this is certainly an bubbles as bumper cars. untraditional safety measure, As for the bubbles themselves, April 8th, the day we were unprecedented times call for all teachers, staff, and students will all waiting for, has arrived - the unprecedented measures. Here be required to wear them at all day that Mamaroneck High at Mamaroneck High School, we times when on the MHS premises. School returned to a new level of are nothing if not creative and At around $60 each, they will not (somewhat) normalcy, returning resilient.” The MHS administra- be easy to acquire and distribute. to 100% capacity for full days of tion has laid out a detailed plan Therefore, a new club has been instruction. In yet another unex- for implementing these inflatable created at MHS - the Bubble pected turn of events, this change plastic six-foot distancing bubbles Fundraising Club. This club will came as President Biden an- starting next week and thankfully, be responsible for bake sales, car nounced that there will be enough the Globe has exclusive permission washes, and other fundraising ef- vaccines for all American adults by to share these measures with you! forts to purchase the bubbles for a the end of May. Students, parents, Each student will be required safe return to school. All students and community members alike to take an introductory Tiger are encouraged to join the club, still have dozens upon dozens of Bubbles How-To class Thursday or participate in fundraising efforts, questions. “Are we still safe?” we Friday during lunch, or over the and donate to the cause if possible. wonder. weekend. This will appear on final Thanks to this comprehensive That concern is well mean- high school transcripts and will and flawless plan, we can rest as- ing, but it is ultimately misplaced. count towards graduation credits. sured that our continued return to As usual, the MHS administra- In this innovative new class, school will be safe and full of fun. tion has devised an ingenious and students will learn how to walk to Out of all the trials of the last year, creative plan to solve this issue. class in these bubbles, climb up it truly seems as though there is a Introducing…. the Tiger Bubbles! stairs, and of course, navigate the light at the end of the tunnel, and We’ve all seen the hours of fun overpass. This class will have an from here...and it seems as though this As Seen On TV product can extra credit bubble competition, the light is made of six foot inflat- inspire, but how will they help where students will have to try to able distancing bubbles. Bounce us continue to transition into push each other out of a desig- safely MHS! FATIMAH KHAN/THE GLOBE MHS President Gent Malushaga Revealed to Have Faked Deep Voice of Olaf in Disney’s Frozen. He also By MARK YUKELIS has a faint Italian accent, though “Tuba Man.” he claims to have no Italian blood. Coined by MHS senior Char- I’ve even heard him say phrases like lie Randall, this nickname has “badabing badaboom” completely stuck for MHS School President unironically. Gent Malushaga. A former host of So how do his friends feel MHS info, Malushaga has made about it? his deep voice known throughout “I don’t know what to say. All the halls of our school. Whether this time I’ve thought he was this the news was about a football game super cool guy, but now he seems or a PACE performance, he was like he’s a minor character on “The sure to announce it a few octaves Sopranos.” Not even like a cool character, one that is weak and dies very quickly,” said Malushaga’s girl- friend, Riley McMullen. “Tuba Man” “It feels like I’ve been lied to. Since sixth grade he’s had a deeper too deep. In a way, this voice made voice than all of us. I even ques- Malushaga an icon at MHS. Sure, tioned my masculinity at times. In he was frequently mocked, but as a way it’s a relief. But he’s definitely they say, “all publicity is good pub- way less cool now,” said Marko licity.” When it came to the elec- Kecman, Malushaga’s close friend, tion season, Tuba Man was elected and notable member of the highly- president, and it seemed like he fi- rumored group Malushaga has re- nally had better days ahead of him. ferred to as “PD.” However, I, one of his best “Yeah I totally knew that it friends, cannot stand by and hold was an act, ” said Charlie Randall. the truth back any longer. The real- What’s next for the Malushaga ity is that Malushaga’s deep voice presidency? Punishment? Impeach- has been an act this whole time. ment? Who knows? Regardless, it His voice sounds very similar to is now clear that this current ad- that of comedian Josh Gad, voice FATIMAH KHAN/THE GLOBE ministration has lost the peoples’ trust. 2 2 Mark & Henry: A Collection Cohort A and Cohort B Conflict Upon Return After coming back to full capacity, the two cohorts must learn how to co-exist once again (without breaking into violence). expect, I just want people to love said that the situation arose when By TISTA GOSWAMI each other,” said an anxious Ms. Cohort B students started asking Silverman. teachers which group they liked Tensions are ripening in the One might wonder: what better, and in the process, bad- halls of MHS. After over a year at is the root of such hostilities? mouthed Cohort A students. distance, Cohort A and Cohort B Sophia Soropolous (‘22), a proud In order to be considered students began attending school at Cohort B student said, “Cohort A “the superior cohort” students the same time, on April 8th, 2021, students have such a superiority have gone as far as to ask their otherwise known as “the day of complex. Just because the letter teachers which group does better confrontation.” A is first in the alphabet doesn’t on exams, is better behaved in It’s no secret that the argu- mean that they are the best, most class, and has the most cameras on ment about “which cohort is best” has been ongoing since school’s opening in September. At first, administrators and faculty “Cohort A students have such a superiority members thought the dispute was CAITLYN CARPENTER/THE GLOBE complex. Just because the letter A is first in The junior physics classroom where the tension first errupted. a harmless squabble between a few students. However, after a the alphabet doesn’t mean that they are the on edge as April 8th drew near, out to put an end to the madness. sternly advising all students to be After a quick, inspirational speech recent altercation in a junior-level best, most coveted students.” physics class, this optimism has on their best behavior. When the from Clain about how the cohorts been reversed. Faculty members - Sophia Soropolous (‘22) day came, MHS Seniors who ar- should “unify for the good of the became wary of the merger. Some rived early to get a parking spot in school” and “band together to teachers are concerned that fights the Senior lot began to gather in support going to 100%,” tensions will soon break out both inside groups of Cohort A and Cohort diffused and students made their coveted students.” According to during Zooms in order to top the B. As the groups grew, teachers way to class, almost like nothing and outside of the classroom, thus Cohort B, Cohort A students have other cohort. Teachers, who wish interrupting instructional time could hear trash talk being shout- ever happened. a snobby attitude given their “A- not to escalate the conflict, don’t ed across the parking lot. But, at However, the question still and the relatively peaceful school level excellency.” disclose such information, fearing atmosphere, without the option about 7:50, Principal Mrs. Clain stands, and MHS may never know, Cohort A students disagreed that they might “fuel the fire.” and other administrators, after which is the superior cohort? of simply pressing “mute.” and claimed that the Cohort B While this conflict is nowhere “I didn’t know what to hearing of the growing animos- Or… do the remote students top students are fudging details. They near settled, administrators were ity in the front of the school, ran them all? 3 3 J-Row Parking to be Closed as of September 2021 Crisis on Juniors’ favorite parking road leads town to ban parking there for good. 1, 2021, J-row will no longer be By REBECCA HERZBERG open to the public for parking. “No parking” signs will be placed Finding parking near MHS along this stretch to prevent stu- has always been an especially dif- dents from parking and silence the ficult task for juniors because they inevitable disagreements. There lack a designated parking lot like seniors and MHS staff. In lieu of a parking lot, juniors have taken over a portion of streets known “McQuillen as J-row (Carpenter Street and instantly jumped the portion of Rockland Ave next to the Town Center). Securing a out of her car and spot on this coveted row can be extremely competitive and often unapologetically results in both physical and verbal brawls between students. Private gave Prevost residents who live along this street have become increasingly frus- a piece of trated with the students who park there because of the noise they her mind.” bring in the early morning hours.
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