Tsunami appeal Sixth sense Team America Morrissey magic Imperial alumnus Brian May gives Can animals predict natural Puppets protecting the Felix witnesses a live musical his support, page 2 disasters? Page 4 world, page 16 delight, page 12

The student newspaper of Imperial College ● Established 1949 ● Issue 1312 ● Thursday 20 January 2005 ● www.felixonline.co.uk

Time to get a job? The Careers section returns with an in-depth look into Union divided over policy as consultancy, featuring an interview with Imperial alum- nus Michael Walton who now runs his own consultancy business. hall rents rise again uCAREERS page 10 By Dave Edwards cially Beit, are subsidising Lots of letters Editor those living in cheaper halls A full page of letters to the as a result. One argument is editor, covering pay prob- As hall fees at Imperial that students living in Beit lems, security, exam anguish, College look set to rise by can afford higher increases, Babar Ahmad and fun in around 5%, the Union Council whilst those elsewhere are Felix. is divided over its stance on less well off and hence can- uLETTERS page 9 how rents are calculated not. across the various different A Beit Hall resident told Starting your week halls. Felix: “The system really Felix kicks off a Monday The exact rent rises, which needs improving. Beit Hall morning at Brixton’s 414 club, will depend on the particu- is great but is it really worth a hidden treasure of hard lar hall or type of room, will £125 a week? And why should dance. be announced in the coming I pay over the odds to make uNIGHTLIFE page 14 weeks. There were disagree- the cheap halls cheaper? ments among student repre- What’s that about?” Dynamic dance sentatives as to whether or At Tuesday’s meeting of We savour Matthew Bourne’s not rents should be based Union Council, student repre- unique treatment of the clas- on students’ ability to pay, sentatives considered three sic ballet Swan Lake. and whether or not certain options. uARTS page 15 rooms should be overpriced Option ‘A’ was to maintain in order to make others the status quo, but ask stu- Student sport cheaper. dents to indicate the price Indoor frisbee fun for the The overall cost of an range they are prepared to Disc Doctors and cham- Imperial education is already pay. Expensive halls would pagne hockey from the medic set to rise markedly for some take most of the rent rises, Thirds. students with the introduc- subsidising cheaper halls. uSPORT page 23 tion of £3000 ‘top-up’ tuition Option ‘B’ was to spread out fees in 2006. the rent rises more evenly, The College currently guar- removing the artificial pre- antees all first year under- mium for rooms in the more graduates a place in hall. expensive halls. Students’ By law, College Residences ability to pay would affect must be self-funding. Each their rent. February, the Head of Option ‘C’ was the same as Residences recommends a ‘B’ but with no link between system of increasing rents rent and ability to pay. by different amounts in dif- Just over half the Council ferent halls and for differ- expressed an initial pref- The Disc Doctors ent types of room. This is erence for option ‘B’. After subsequently discussed by a lengthy discussion, a the Rector’s Committee on slightly amended version Student Residences (RCSR) of this option was narrowly THIS WEEK and the final decision rests defeated. A number of del- News page 2 with the Rector. egates supported option ‘A’. Business page 3 The current hall applica- Interestingly, the only people Science page 4 tion form allows students in support of option ‘C’ were Comment page 8 to express a preference for the President and the Deputy Careers page 10 room type (single, double, President (Education and triple, en-suite) and catered Welfare), who prepared the Students living in Beit Hall are likely to pay upwards of £130 per week in accommodation Around Campus page 11 or self-catered, but students paper and who represent the fees next year. Part of this cost is currently used to subsidise cheaper rooms elsewhere What’s On page 11 cannot choose a particular Union to the RCSR. Music page 12 hall or specify a price range. Sam Rorke, the Deputy port a link between rents of Residences at Imperial due to high costs in areas Nightlife page 14 In recent years, rent President (Education and and ability to pay, Mr Rorke College, told Felix: “Our rents such as construction, clean- Arts page 15 increases have been much Welfare), said: “We had a pointed out that “there are compare favourably with ing and utilities. Film page 16 higher in the more expen- useful discussion and I look already other mechanisms other London universities Felix will bring you details Coffee Break page 22 sive halls than in the cheaper forward to returning to the for students suffering finan- and with the private sector.” of the RCSR’s decision and ones. Students living in the issue in the future.” When cial hardship”. She said that rents were like- the finalised rent increases Sport page 23 more expensive halls, espe- asked why he did not sup- Sharine Brown, Head ly to increase above inflation later this term. Felix 2 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

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Issue 1312 Brian May offers support to News Editor Dave Edwards Imperial RAG’s tsunami appeal in brief Business Editor By Siddharth Singh Numaan Chaudhry RAG spokesman Mech eng library Science Editor Darius Nikbin RAG is proud to announce safe for now that it has just received a Music Editor letter of support from Brian The mechanical engineer- Andrew Sykes May, the lead guitarist from ing department’s library and Queen. reading room will not close or Nightlife Editor Mr May was an undergrad- be moved in the immediate Simon Clark uate in the Physics depart- future. ment at Imperial College. In Discussions have taken Arts Editor his letter, he recounts his own place on the possible clo- Paola Smith experience at Imperial and sure, as reported in Felix the need for students to be issue 1310, but the decision Books Editor aware of and committed to has been deferred “for some Martin Smith worthwhile causes. time,” according to Helen Meanwhile, the total has Dawson, the department rep- Film Editor now reached ‘never before resentative. Alan Ng seen heights outside RAG Ms Dawson said: “There is Careers Editors Week’ of £3569.38. the option of making the read- Cassandra Aldrich On behalf of Imperial RAG, ing room a faculty room for Gabriella Silvestri I would like to ask all of you the use of engineering stu- to contribute in whatever way dents in general so that it will you can. More craziness is not be lost.” Felix planned for RAG Week. She offered a note of cau- Beit Quad tion, warning that “the fight is Prince Consort Road not over for good” and pledg- London SW7 2BB ing to make sure that stu- dents are better represented Telephone: 020 7594 8072 when similar issues are con- Email: [email protected] sidered in the future. Web: www.felixonline.co.uk Registered newspaper Halal chicken ISSN 1040-0711 in College Copyright © Felix 2005 All freshly prepared chicken Printed by Sharman and dishes served in the main Company, Peterborough Imperial College catering outlets at South Kensington will be halal from Monday onwards. This fact will be demonstrated to customers on the menus. College Catering said they were pleased to have sourced halal certified chicken from their butchers. They also announced that they were looking at potential suppliers with regard to offering halal beef and other meats in the Former Imperial student Brian May’s letter to RAG encourages students to contribute future. Harry’s Nazi blunder

By Emily Gwyer be sickened when they see the party, which was held by a to his brother that perhaps the young prince behaving British Olympic showjumper Hitler was not the best fancy Oops, he’s done it again. The like a drunken member of who also happens to be one dress role model. world’s most entertaining the Hitler Youth,” shouted of the people who invaded the However, just when the fuss royal didn’t so much stick in the paper, suggesting dubi- Labour party conference in was dying down, the papers a toe as belly-flop into the ously that “This outfit will support of hunting. latched onto the fact that waters of controversy again just encourage British neo- The Telegraph was sym- Harry’s blunder could have this week after photos of Nazis and racist skinheads to pathetic: “We can all agree cost London its 2012 Olympic Harry dressed as a Nazi were believe that their sick views that Prince Harry is not very bid. The London bid is large- leaked to The Sun. are right”. bright... it would be ludi- ly based around the city’s The relief on the pages Meanwhile, they praised crous to suggest that the status as officially the most of the tabloid was palpable. William’s choice of costume prince was displaying any multicultural city on earth; After weeks of being seri- (a leopardskin leotard with sympathy for Hitler when a member of the royal family ous and worthy while writ- paws and tail. And they won- he wore what looked like the prancing around as a mem- ing about the tsunami, at last der why this country is going uniform of Rommel’s Afrika ber of the SS is not really in- they had a chance to do what to the dogs). Korps”. keeping with that idea. they do best – write about the The Mirror stooped so But the same newspaper The Queen’s comments that royals and do some serious low as to get the waitresses also remarked: “This is not she thought the bid would go mealy- mouthed moralising. present to comment on how the stupidity of a 20-year-old, to Paris didn’t help either, for The fact that what Harry ‘well-endowed’ William is who has gone through 17 that matter. Until then, the did was indeed extremely and how lovely he looked in years of the best formal edu- London bid had been seen offensive to large numbers of his spangly leotard. Oh, dear cation that money can buy. as by far the most dynamic, people round the world (and Lord. It is the stupidity of a rather and some thought that it was it was reported all around the The fact that Harry’s great backward child of 12,” and catching up on the French world) was immaterial – all grandfather Edward VIII was castigated Prince Charles for favourite. Now, some serious The Sun wanted was another a Nazi supporter was gleefully having insufficient control of grovelling is required if the chance to point, laugh, and brought up by The Guardian his children. Even William bid is to get back on track throw a few stones. and The Mail, both of whom came in for some bashing – – the IOC members begin So the editorial was also questioned whether the as the ‘sensible one’, he was to visit the five bid cities in superb. “Old soldiers will princes should have attended expected to have suggested May. Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 3

Business [email protected] Currency galore Keeping to the theme of the US economy, Numaan Chaudhry takes a deeper look at the dodgy dollar and strong sterling Having fallen 16% against a dent of the New York Federal basket of its trading partners’ Reserve Bank, as Fed chair- currencies over the past three man. Volcker concluded that years, the US dollar should, in dramatic action was needed theory, make US-made goods to break the crippling infla- more competitive with those tion rates. made abroad, boosting US On 6 October, the Fed growth and employment. adopted a new monetary But a growing number of policy for strangling inflation experts warn that the US’s by targeting growth in the gaping budget and trade money supply, knowing that deficits will lead to a crisis it would send interest rates in which a sharp decline in soaring. Volcker’s new strat- the dollar drives up interest egy worked; inflation was rates sharply, squeezing the smothered and this eventu- economy. ally bolstered the dollar, but There are plenty of trou- the price was high: the deep- bling examples. Over the est recession since the Great past decade, a dozen small- Depression. er economies from Mexico As it stands, the US has to Thailand have gone from proven its strength in the glo- growth to deep recession bal economy by maintaining when their currencies col- a ‘twin deficit’, both a large lapsed. Even rich countries current account and budget like Canada have been forced deficit. The average emerg- to adopt ascetic budget poli- ing economy would have cies to cope with currency- already gone belly-up with induced turmoil. “We are these twin deficits, but the increasingly vulnerable to the US has been spared because kind of sudden stop, where it can still borrow in dollars the capital inflows dry up all instead of foreign currency, at once, that’s been the bane meaning others bear the pain of emerging markets over if the dollar depreciates. the years,” says an economic By contrast, developing historian at the University of countries often borrowed in California. dollars to take advantage of Could it happen in the US? lower interest rates, but faced A review of past crises sug- a crushing repayment burden gests the US has enough when they could no longer going for it now to avoid a keep their currency pegged similar fate. Yet the scale of to the dollar. the imbalances now hanging Even rich countries, howev- over the dollar are also with- er, have been rocked by a run out precedent, suggesting a on their currencies. It hap- crisis is still a possibility. pened to Britain in the 1970s. The contrasts with the most Several times in the early recent dollar crisis, in the late 1990s, Canada’s dollar came 1970s, are both encouraging under pressure because of and unsettling. big twin deficits. Between September 1977 The central bank raised and October 1978, the dollar interest rates in response, fell 16% against major cur- but that worsened the rencies, aided downwards budget deficit by adding to by rising oil prices and slug- interest on the public debt. gish economic growth that When Standard & Poor’s, the Dodgy dollar: will US deficits lead to a cash crisis? pushed the US from a trade respected credit ratings agen- surplus to a trade deficit. The cy, reduced the credit rating US-pegged currency, to rise The next day it repeated the vious hostile takeovers, the in Southcorp have risen weaker dollar helped boost on Canada’s foreign currency against the dollar. To prevent action, joined by 13 central bid from Fosters is “inad- a staggering 75% on hopes the price of imports, and infla- debt, Canadians thought they that, China buys billions of banks. The dollar stabilized equate and opportunistic,” it will be taken over and on tion jumped to over 8.2% from would default. dollars in Treasury securities. and bond yields dropped. according to Southcorp. expectations of a turnaround 6.5%. The US today has an eerie That protects its exports and Shares in Southcorp, last in the US wine market, a par- Worried that the falling dol- similarity with Canada of ten helps keep US interest rates Fosters to bid for quoted at $4.25, surged ear- ticularly strong market for lar might undermine its anti- years ago, since both current low. Southcorp lier this week after the take- the corporation. inflation efforts, the Carter account and budget deficits It has been a decade since over bid was announced. A Shares in Fosters ended administration announced a are about the same size rela- the dollar’s drop seemed Other business news this two-year high of $4.76 was down 7% at $5.27 each as ‘multipart support package’ tive to GDP, at 5%. dangerous enough to spark week: Fosters Group Ltd is reached before the closing some investors worried about in 1978: the Treasury would However, the US has an a firm response from the US to become one of the world’s price at $4.61. integration risks and pros- use sales of gold, foreign bor- additional advantage over any and its allies. biggest winemakers by buy- Counter-bids are expect- pects for a protracted and rowing and the International other country when it comes In early 1995, there were ing out Southcorp in a hostile ed from the likes of Diageo expensive bidding war; this Monetary Fund to defend the to crisis prevention: its econ- reports of massive dollar $3.1 billion offer. PLC and Pernod Ricard SA, led to the stock touching a dollar. At the same time, the omy is simply too large and sales, some triggered by Already owning 18.8% of none of which has signifi- two month low of $5.22 during Fed would raise its discount too important for the world derivatives strategies, driving Southcorp’s shares, Foster’s cant Australian wine assets, the day. rate 1%. economy to passively accept it down sharply against the said it will bid $4.17 a share making such an acquisition Fosters CEO, Trevor The dollar stabilized but a dollar collapse. German mark and Chinese for the remaining 81.2% of ideal. Interest may also come O’Hoy, described the offer still remained weak, and That is one reason many yen. Bond yields were also Southcorp and assume about from Constellation Brands as a “great price” and “out- inflation continued the rise countries prop up the dol- rising and this required inter- $500 million of Southcorp Inc., which has a significant standing opportunity” for up to 10% by June 1979. In lar. China runs a massive vention from the US Federal debt. Australian presence already Southcorp shareholders. This the summer of 1979, Paul trade surplus with the US, Reserve: Alan Greenspan As was the case with M&S and has bought California’s should come as no surprise; Volcker was appointed, from something that would nor- waded in and bought $600 mil- and GoldFields earlier this Robert Mondavi Inc. many would say the same his previous position of presi- mally force the yuan, the lion of marks and yen. year, and indeed in many pre- During the past year, shares thing. Felix 4 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

Science [email protected] Saved by a sixth sense for the tsunami Can animals predict the occurrence of natural disasters? Sonja van Renssen looks at the evidence of and potential use for the natural world’s awareness of imminent events Why did a tsunami that killed ably become the most famous netism or electrical charges more than 150,000 people example of alleged animal does not exhaust the range of harm no more than a handful activity prior to an earth- theories that advocates of an of animals? quake in modern history. earthquake-animal behaviour Over the last few weeks, On 4 February 1975, Chinese link have put forward. we have been bombarded authorities successfully evac- More controversial hypoth- with terrible images of chaos, uated Haicheng, a city with eses include the idea that destruction and death. The one million people, just days animals react to ultrasound cost in human lives has been before a 7.3-magnitude earth- emitted by fracturing rock made brutally clear. Yet wild- quake struck (the Indian before an earthquake occurs. life officials in Sri Lanka, Ocean tsunami was caused This theory has been heavily where more than 30,000 peo- by an 8.9-magnitude earth- criticised by geologists who ple have been reported dead quake). They claimed that claim that no such sound is so far, insist that there have their decision to evacuate emitted. been no recorded animal was based in part on observa- Yet the most contentious deaths. Similar reports are tions of animal behaviour. argument of all remains the appearing from other dev- The ensuing excitement at idea that animals do indeed astated areas and one can- USGS was further boosted in possess a sixth sense, some- not help but wonder: where 1977 when researchers found thing fundamentally different were they all when disaster that 50% of local people sur- to the five senses that we cur- struck? veyed after an earthquake in rently recognise. Perhaps ani- As anecdotal evidence California had noticed unu- mals perceive and respond to emerges of unusual ani- sual behaviour in their pets stimuli that science at present mal behaviour prior to the prior to the event. The impos- simply cannot measure. catastrophe, the debate over sible suddenly seemed pos- Here we enter the realm whether animals can sense sible. of biologists like Rupert impending disaster and flee Sheldrake, who try to explain from it has resurfaced with a “In 373BC historians mysteries such as why dogs vengeance. recorded that sometimes seem to anticipate The roots of this debate animals deserted the the arrival of their owner, stretch back to ancient Prescience: do animals have an ability to predict natural disasters and ensure their even in the apparent absence Greece. In 373BC, historians Greek city of Helice en survival? Can they be trained to give warnings before earthquakes? of any physical signals. recorded that animals includ- masse just days before Critics will be inclined to ing rats, snakes and weasels saying that “a reproducible mals could ‘predict’ them is A third hypothesis postu- make short thrift of the sixth deserted the Greek city of it was destroyed” connection between a spe- by picking up advance vibra- lates that it is changes in sense theory in its most liter- Helice en masse just days But it was followed by dis- cific behaviour and the occur- tions that are too small for us electric charges that alert al form and will point out the before it was destroyed by appointment. The California rence of an earthquake has to feel. Many animals, rang- animals to a quake. Certain lack of scientific evidence to an earthquake and tsunami. findings were not deemed to not been made”. However, ing from rodents to elephants, species of fish are known support it. Nevertheless, and Tales of animal behaviour merit further action and it just because there is no way are known to use shockwaves to be sensitive to variations here we return to the essence that appears to anticipate dis- emerged that the Chinese of explaining something does in communication. in electric fields – the elec- of the problem, critics and aster have surfaced across had neglected to mention a not mean that something Joyce Poole, Director tric eel is the most obvious advocates alike suffer from the centuries ever since. rare series of smaller quakes does not exist. The Chinese of the Savanna Elephant example – and researchers the problem of how to con- In spite of this wealth of that had occurred in the area have taken this view in their Vocalization Project, has believe they may pick up on duct controlled experiments anecdotal evidence, however, before the big one. The USGS construction of a network worked with African ele- the electric charge variations to test the earthquake-animal the majority of the scientific ceased all research into a of experimental stations to phants for 25 years and says in water that sometimes pre- behaviour hypothesis. community does not recog- possible link between animal collect and analyse animal that research on acoustic and cede earthquakes. Everyone agrees that there nise a link between animal behaviour and earthquakes behaviour observations. seismic communication indi- On land, organisms may is an abundance of anecdotes behaviour and earthquakes. in 1980. Where Western geologists cates that elephants could respond to changes in the detailing unusual animal The United States Geological China did not, and nor did easily pick up vibrations gen- polarity and concentration of behaviour prior to earth- “...a Japanese medical Survey (USGS) says on its Japan. Whether because of erated from an earthquake- “An alternative theory quakes and no one denies website: their susceptibility to earth- doctor had conducted tsunami. Fellow researcher that amazingly few crea- “Changes in animal behav- quakes or a philosophy that Caitlin O’Connell-Rodwell is that animals pick up tures appear to have died in a study which ior cannot be used to predict embraces nature, these two describes how the soft skin magnetic field changes the wake of the recent tsu- earthquakes. Even though countries have continued to demonstrated that on the undersides of elephant nami. Yet neither believers that occur near the there have been document- research animal behaviour as erratic behaviour in feet is comparable to the taut nor sceptics can realistically ed cases of unusual animal a possible earthquake predic- surface of a drum and is simi- epicentre of an confirm or deny a direct link dogs could be used to behavior prior to earthquakes, tion tool. They have had false larly sensitive to the tiniest earthquake” between animal behaviour a reproducible connection alarms, of course, but they predict earthquakes” vibration. and an impending disaster. between a specific behav- have had successes too. But even if they can pick atmospheric ions, or charged As scientists, we instinc- iour and the occurrence of Continued research in the and seismologists have been up vibrations that warn them particles. This could allow tively question and search an earthquake has not been Far East led to the headline- reluctant to entertain the of impending danger, how do animals to detect the air- for evidence. Perhaps this is made.” grabbing news in September notion of animal behaviour they know where to run? A ionising effects of radon gas, a case where we should fol- In the recent press cover- 2003 that a Japanese medi- as a predictive tool, biolo- Dutch ethologist, Paul Koene, which is sometimes released low the East in their simple age of the Indian Ocean tsu- cal doctor had conducted a gists and behaviourists have explains that elephants from the ground before an acceptance of a natural phe- nami disaster, Andy Michael, study which demonstrated proposed various theories instinctively head for higher earthquake. nomenon. This does not mean a geophysicist at USGS, was that erratic behaviour in dogs to explain how animals may ground when they feel threat- A piezoelectric effect has that we should cease study- quoted as saying: “What could be used to forecast sense earthquakes seemingly ened. This fits in well with also been invoked: changes ing how animals may ‘predict’ we’re faced with is a lot of earthquakes. before they happen. anecdotes of Sri Lankan ele- in the pressure exerted on earthquakes; it means that anecdotes. Animals react to The study was contentious Rather than postulating phants breaking loose for the crystals like quartz result we should use their abilities, so many things – being hun- – The Guardian was at pains the existence of a mysterious hills just before the tsunami in electrical charging of the even if we do not understand gry, defending their territo- to point out that it was “even sixth sense, the majority of hit. crystals’ surfaces. This is them, to save human lives ries, mating, predators – so being regarded with caution these theories draw on ani- An alternative theory that believed to generate enough where we can. it’s hard to have a controlled in Japan” – but its report- mals’ highly evolved existing has gained acceptance in electrical energy to drive The Anthropological Survey study to get that advanced ing here reflects the contin- sensory apparatus to make recent years is that animals the creation of airborne ions of India’s plan to immedi- warning signal.” ued allure of believing that their case. Remember too pick up on magnetic field before, during and after an ately document the animal- True, but this did not stop animals have some kind of that animals respond to each changes that occur near the earthquake. Animals may based warning systems that the USGS from attempting sixth sense to warn them of other: the flight of one may epicentre of an earthquake. anticipate earthquakes much enabled all five aboriginal an extensive series of these impending danger, even in trigger an exodus. Many animals are known to as they sense oncoming thun- tribes inhabiting the badly-hit studies in the late 1970s. the absence of scientific evi- Earthquakes shake the use the earth’s magnetic field derstorms. Andaman and Nicobar islands The trigger for this flurry of dence. ground and one of the most to navigate, including pigeons That organisms should to escape unscathed is a step activity was what has prob- The USGS is correct in obvious ways in which ani- and turtles. respond to vibrations, mag- in the right direction. Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 5

SCIENCE [email protected] Titan welcomes new visitors News Remarkable images from a distant world. David Osumi- Sutherland reports on a discovery that has provided us with more questions than answers in brief Titan, Saturn’s smog shroud- Tomasko, head of imaging on Oxford science ed moon, is not giving up its the Huygens mission would secrets easily. Last Friday, not speculate at the time, but centre to probe after a seven year, two bil- noted that the lack of specu- mysteries of the lion kilometre journey, the lar glare (basically glinting European Space Agency sunlight), suggested there mind probe Huygens descended to was no ocean. the surface of Titan, beam- The pictures taken by Can there be a predisposi- ing back pictures and data as Huygens during its descent to tion for fundamentalism? Do it went. The scientists gath- the surface at first seem more the faithful cope more easily ered at mission control in promising. One image, taken with pain? Are they faster to Darmstadt, Germany, for the from 16 km above the surface recover from illness? Such descent were ecstatic with seems to show streams flow- are the questions scientists the success, but are likely to ing to a coastline. A pano- and theologians will attempt be puzzling over the results ramic view stitched together to answer at a new study cen- for years to come. from pictures taken at 8km tre which starts experiments In the lead up to the land- is dominated by an almost into human consciousness ing, some scientists made featureless dark area dotted in the next few months. The bold predictions about the with low clouds, at the edge of Oxford Centre for Science of nature of what would be found which appears to be a coast- the Mind (OXSCOM) could at Titan. John Zarnecki, who line. Could this be Zarnecki’s be the first of its kind in the heads the Open University predicted ocean? world, its founders believe. team that built Hugens’s sur- Mission scientists are cau- face science package, pre- tious about such interpreta- A surface strewn with perhaps rocks or blocks of ice (left), channels flowing into a coast- dicted the presence of weath- tions. Marty Tomasko notes: line (top right), and clouds and the edge of a coastline seen at 8km altitude (bottom right) Canadian er on Titan with clouds, rain “You have to be careful, researcher invents and even oceans. because we’re biased by the contains scattered small Titan seems to be quite a life as we know it (around “It’s much too cold for a things we see on Earth.” rocks, possibly of ice, that dynamic place. –180ºC), but some scientists, new solar cell water based weather system Tomasko suspects that appear to be weathered. It could be dynamic in other including Open University to exist, but the temperature Huygens landed in the dark While the region of Huygen’s ways besides having weather. Astrobiologist Barrie Jones, It may only be a matter of is right for simple hydrocar- region. If he is correct then landing site does not appear Many scientists believe that have speculated that some time before we will be using bons thought to be present “sea” may not be the best to be a ‘sea’, it may well Titan’s atmosphere – a mix of form of geothermal energy our shirts to charge our in the atmosphere, such as analogy for this region. be a reservoir of methane: Nitrogen and simple hydro- on Titan could warm things mobile phones. Researchers methane and ethane, to cycle Under the probe was a Huygens’ mass spectrometer carbons – is similar to the up enough for life. at the University of Toronto between gas and liquid.” device called a penetrom- (chemical analyser) detected present on the early earth. Digital processing more have invented a flexible plas- Last October, infra-red and eter, designed to measure methane evaporating from Perhaps the most scientifi- careful assembly of individual tic solar cell that is said to radar imaging equipment on the force of the impact as Titan’s surface at the landing cally exciting question for the images into mosaics should be five times more efficient the Saturn orbitor Cassini Huygens hit the surface at site. It also recorded ethane, Huygens mission is whether soon give us better pictures than current methods in con- penetrated the thick cloud 10 mph. The results beamed acetylene and other complex natural chemical processes of Titan’s surface. The spec- verting energy from the sun that surrounds Titan for the back from this instrument hydrocarbon molecules. on Titan could produce the tra of light reflected from into electrical energy. The first time, finally revealing suggest a hard crust that The evaporation fits with complex hydrocarbons that surface will give clues more cell harnesses infrared light the moon’s surface. But these cracked on impact to reveal Zarnecki’s prediction of a are the building blocks of life clues about the chemical from the sun and can form a images proved to be more a soft layer, “something like simple hydrocarbon based as we know it. Data from the composition of the surface. flexible film on the surface of puzzling than informative. crème brulée”, says Andrew weather system, as does the mass spectrometer, being One thing is certain, sci- cloth, paper or other materi- The surface clearly had fea- Ball of the Open University, presence of low clouds or analysed right now, should entists will be analysing als. tures – light and dark regions a colleague of Zarnecki’s on ground fog and of stream or be able to tell us the answer Huygens’ data for years to with sharp boundaries – but the Huygens surface science river type features. Unlike soon. come as they try to unlock what were they? Marty team. The landing site also the barren deserts of Mars, The surface is too cold for Titan’s secrets. Fossil fuel curbs may speed Global warming

Controversy over ‘Hobbit man’ discovery Cutting down on fossil fuel pollution could accelerate By Sophie Hebden Yogakarta, Indonesia is one of allowing other people access. global warming and help turn Science Communication the world’s most experienced Jacob rejects these charges parts of Europe into desert paleoanthropologists. He told and accuses the Australian by 2100, according to Global Last year, an Australian team The Guardian that “There team of unethical behaviour Dimming, a BBC Horizon of archaeologists discov- is plenty of other evidence of and inexperience, and says documentary. The documen- ered a tiny human skeleton pygmy peoples in the region. that the referees of the Nature tary describes research sug- nicknamed ‘the hobbit’ in an There are pygmies still living article were one-sided. gesting fossil fuel by-products Indonesian cave. But last in west Papua, the Andaman Cambridge biological like sulphur dioxide particles week things suddenly turned and Nicobar islands, and in anthropologist Dr Jay Stock reflect the sun’s rays, “dim- sour, when a top expert ques- the Philippines. But they are told Felix that the Nature arti- ming” temperatures and tioned the validity of the find- all Homo sapiens. They’re cle was “rigorously reviewed almost cancelling out the ings in a national newspaper. just a smaller size. These pyg- by six top palaeontologists.” greenhouse effect. Nature published their mies were once quite normal He does not think that analysis of the 13,000 year old common, but only pockets Jacob’s accusations stand. bones last October, which was remain. There was far more Stock could not confirm the Record warm hailed as the most important diversity of people before.” details of the stand-off over winter stirs sleepy discovery in paleoanthropol- He explains the unusually possession of the bones. He ogy of the last 150 years. The small brain volume of the feels that Jacob’s comments Estonian bears team claimed that the bones skeleton as a result of mental to The Guardian have dam- were that of a new human abnormalities caused by the aged the reputation of pal- Estonia’s warmest winter species: Homo floresiensis. disease microcephaly. aeontology, because his criti- The skulls of Homo florensis (left) and sapiens (right) for two centuries has woken They described her as a one But the plot thickens. Jacob cisms should have been pub- some of its 600 bears several metre tall, 25 year old, intel- has Flores Hominid locked in lished in an academic journal Muslim and Christian crea- region theory. months early from hiberna- ligent female, descendent of a steel vault. The Australian where referees can check the tionists to use Jacob’s com- Stock told Felix that the tion, wildlife experts said on our long-extinct ancestor. But co-author of the original evidence before it is made ments as evidence against next step is to look at Flores Friday. The bears’ early reap- in The Guardian last week paper, Professor Richard public. He continues: “Jacob evolution. Hominid’s DNA, to try to pearance has raised concerns critics questioned her sex, Roberts, has accused Jacob does a disservice to human An underlying argument resolve whether it is a new for the survival of this year’s and, most significantly, that of stifling the study by hold- palaeontology and studies of fuels the dispute: where did species of human. He said: cubs. “It has been very warm this was not a new species ing onto the bones. This is an human evolution by raising modern Homo sapiens evolve, “I’m not sure if samples were and wet and many flooded at all, but a pygmy version accusation Jacob vehemently these disagreements pub- in Africa or in a number of taken before the skeleton was rivers have forced bears out of Homo sapiens with a com- denies. Co-author Professor licly. It undermines the sci- places scattered around the taken by Jacob. No-one has of their dens and out of hiber- mon brain disease. Peter Brown said that Jacob ence that we agree on.” The world? If Homo florensiensis reported any DNA results nation,” said a senior official Professor Teuka Jacob from has a reputation for hold- uncertainty over the Flores is another species of human, yet.” This dispute seems far at the Baltic country’s State Gadjah Mada University in ing onto materials and not Hominid discovery has led it would undermine the multi- from resolved. Forest Service. Felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

SCIENCE [email protected] Creationist textbook stickers declared unconstitutional By Zoë Corbyn ents that the new textbooks observer would take the stick- creation; or whether evolu- Science Communcation did not include information er to mean that the School tion is a fact or theory or how about creationism or ‘intel- Board agreed with the beliefs it should be taught. “Be very, very careful what ligent design’. The case was of the Christian fundamen- In the US, there is a long you put into that head, bought by the American Civil talists and the creationists. history of Christian funda- because you will never, ever Liberties Union on behalf of The judge concluded, there- mentalists and creationists get it out” – Cardinal Wolsey five parents concerned that fore, that the stickers must opposing evolution. As early (c1473 – 1530) the stickers encouraged their be declared unconstitutional. as the 1920s and continuing children to reject the scientif- “It coveys an impermissible into the late 1960s, the judicial In the United States, the ic theory of evolution in favour message of endorsement” he system was resolving chal- Georgian school district that said. “The Board has effec- lenges to anti-evolution stat- added stickers to high school “In the US, there is a tively improperly entangled utes, which made it criminal biology textbooks saying long tradition of Chris- itself with religion by appear- to teach evolution is schools. that evolution is “a theory, ing to take a position”. Several other states, includ- not a fact” has been ordered tian fundamentalists The stickers, funded with ing Ohio and Tennessee, have to remove them. A federal and creationists taxpayers money, were recently sought to force the judge ruled last Thursday opposing evolution” also found to violate the teaching of creationism is (13 January) that the stick- Constitution of the State of schools, but these have been ers were an unconstitutional of a religious view on origin. Christion creationists want evolutionary theory banned Georgia. This says that: “No repeatedly struck down by endorsement of religion. According to the decision: money shall ever be taken the US Supreme Court as Officials from the Cobb “The sticker sends a message The basis for the decision In his decision, the judge from the public treasury, unconstitutional. In 1987, the County School District, in to those who oppose evolution is interesting, hinging on took the viewpoint of an directly or indirectly, in aid US Supreme Court ruled that suburban Atlanta, put the for religious reasons that they whether the stickers violated informed, reasonable observ- of any church, sect, cult or creationism was a religious stickers inside the books’ are the favoured members of the Establishment Clause of er – someone aware of the religious denomination or any belief that could not be taught front covers in 2002. They the political community, while the First Amendment of the events leading to the adop- sectarian institution”. in state schools along with read: “This textbook con- the sticker sends a message United States Constitution. tion of the sticker and that The areas outside the scope evolution. tains material on evolution. to those who believe in evo- This clause states that the language of the sticker of the case should also be In this age, people should Evolution is a theory, not a lution that they are political “Congress shall make no law essentially mirrored the view- noted. Namely, the case did be permitted to learn science fact, regarding the origin of outsiders. This is particularly respecting an establishment point of religiously motivated not consider whether science unadulterated by religious living things. This material so in a case such as this one of religion, or prohibiting citizens. Even though the and religion are mutually doctrine. The American Civil should be approached with an involving impressionable pub- the free exercise thereof”, sticker may not have explic- exclusive (it took no position Liberties Union is to be com- open mind, studies carefully lic school students who are and also applies to states. It itly advanced a particular reli- on the origin of the human mended for its vigilance in and critically considered”. likely to view the message means the government must gious viewpoint, considered species); whether it is con- this and other cases. The sci- The stickers were to counter on the sticker as a union of “pursue a course of complete in context, the judge decided stitutionally permissible for entific community certainly criticism from over 2,000 par- church and state.” neutrality towards religion”. that an informed, reasonable state school teachers to teach has a lot to be grateful for.

65 yr old Romanian Pundit on pensioner gives birth Space: humankind’s natural environment It’s a testament to the sick and twisted minds of GM sci- By Darius Nikbin billion kilometres away on a science entists that they decided to Science Editor moon of Saturn. implant a cow embryo in the It should be clear by now that old Romanian woman in the The news on Earth this week: space is mankind’s most natu- first place. robbers armed with samurai ral environment. Here we fight Horror swords hold up McDonalds and destroy one another and It’s not funny and not clever restaurant in Winnipeg, cops the Earth’s environment, but and I might add that despite in West Memphis use taser in space humans are forced to being a staunch advocate of to subdue nude jogger, ‘good’ collaborate and set aside their GM crops (and consumer, I crocodile saved Sri Lankan differences for a truly common might add) I have to stand by pensioner during tsunami, and cause. In this sense, Huygens my guns and say: finally, granny ends up in hos- is a triumph because it was col- This GM train has careered pital after mistaking superglue laborative and has reminded Reginald Pundit, tabloid free- off the rails. Let’s stop the mad- for eyedrops. us again that space exploration lancing columnist and profes- ness of calf implantation before Following the success of the is an essential, if not the essen- sional after-dinner speaker, your cat starts giving birth to Huygens mission, it is almost tial goal of mankind. gives his exclusive uncensored puppies. as if humans were destined to The coming decades will be views on science. go into space. very important. The dangers Comet probe take-off Within the last century, which we will be facing for centuries Huygens schm-uygens I think you’d all join me in wish- is equivalent just a millisecond to come are overpopulation, An artist’s impression of Stanley Kubrick’s vision of the I’m tired of reading all these lib- ing the best of success to in the history of mankind and the destruction of the envi- space station of the future eral apologists making excuses NASA’s Deep Impact mission a nanosecond in the history ronment, a decreasing sup- for the Huygens mission. which took off this week. of the Earth (I won’t bore you ply of raw materials, intellec- Unfortunately, at this point, back (such as the Challenger Space-turkey The mission has been with the calculations), humans tual deficiencies and malaise we are not all united as to what and Columbia disasters) there It may have travelled over a designed to crash into comet have managed to send astro- throughout populations, and needs to be done. But the explo- are calls to abandon the space bi llion miles across the solar Tempel 1 and take out its nucle- nauts into space, land men on a resurgence of religious fun- ration of space does provide a programme, it is the respon- system, survived the harsh us and the future of the human the moon, put rovers on Mars, damentalism both in the East common purpose. So, bearing sibility of all scientists to pro- Titan atmosphere, landed with race depends on it. and now land a probe over a and the West. in my mind that with every set- mote space exploration. pin-point cruise missile accura- Scientists have proven that cy, and expanded the frontiers comets pose a dangerous of space exploration, but let’s threat to the planet. face it... Imagine Wales flying straight Because nothing in science is black or white. The pictures were rubbish. at Planet Earth at over 3000 kil- They were so bad that at first ometres per second and you’ll ESA mission control thought be in the right, albeit danger- Except sheep. they had taken the wrong ous, ballpark. turn at Jupiter and landed on It was also revealed this Mars. week that the Comet poses a How a $2 billion dollar mis- threat to some of the world’s sion can’t afford to hook up most sacred archeological a decent digital camera is treasures: beyond me. According to a NASA I, science They do digital at Dixons for source, “D eep Impact could £32 nowadays: no excuse. punch a crater in the comet A science magazine for Imperial And to these people who say big enough to swallow Rome’s that the mission will reveal con- Colisseum”. ditions on a primitive earth, I Shuddering thought. say... We are now looking for feature writers and ideas for articles related to Surely if they spent the bil- ● Do you have some lions on time travel (something science humour in research at Imperial College and elsewhere. I have always advocated) they you? Then contact would have found the answer [email protected] more easily. with your comedy To get involved, contact us now at [email protected] Afternoon Coffee Learn more about the European Internship opportunities available for summer 2005.

Tuesday 25 January, 2005 14:00 to 16:30 CSFB, London

Are you looking for a job that offers real responsibility with an enormous learning opportunity? If so, please join us for afternoon coffee and meet ex-interns, junior and senior professionals and find out what we can offer you over the coming summer. We look for people who are open minded about work, life and their future in general; who get a buzz out of approaching problems that bit differently; and who know there’s always something greater to be achieved. They’re people who stand out in all sorts of ways and, as a result, fit in to CSFB. You must register for this event by emailing [email protected] no later than Friday 21 January, 17:00.

www.csfb.com/standout

© 2004 Credit Suisse First Boston LLC and/or its affiliate companies. All rights reserved. Felix 8 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

Comment [email protected] State of the Union By Mustafa Arif Union President ● This space is intentionally left blank, due to your President’s inability to meet the deadline No room for your club? Let us know Room bookings to myself and our Facilities Manager, they bring in a large revenue The budgeting system for this who has direct contact with College (approximately £100,000 per year) year attempts to be fairer and In reply to last week’s letter from ‘a internal bookings and will be liaising which we reinvest into the Union. more flexible. There is much more disgruntled director’, we apologise between College and clubs as the We try to ensure these bookings club and CSC/FU involvement in for the problems clubs have been central point of contact, to improve are at times when our students and the final allocation. There is only a facing with room bookings in the the process and improve commu- clubs want them least (such as dur- finite amount of money (currently Union and College. We realise there nication. ing lecture hours and holidays). £350,000) that the Union is able to are problems and are working to We know that problems are occur- Our priority is student club book- spend directly on club and society rectify them. ring, but we need full details if our ings, but we need to generate budgets. With regard to College rooms, argument is to have strong standing income which is reinvested into the The new method tries to ensure we have been in talks with the with College. Let us know at dpfs@ic. Union for maintaining the building that the available money will be allo- Conference division, who look after ac.uk and [email protected]. and ultimately funding our student cated fairly and in accordance with Internal room bookings, to make The College is installing a new SAMEENA MISBAHUDDIN activities. the clubs’ needs, thereby allowing them aware of the problems we have room booking software system, it to be spent effectively rather than been having and ways in which they which has more capabilities and DEPUTY PRESIDENT Budgeting being locked away in areas where can be avoided in future. We are also should reduce problems in the (F INANCE & SERVICES) it will never be used. It also tries to working on a written agreement on future. If you are on the committee of a ensure that the clubs and societies what rights our clubs and societies There have also been difficulties club or society, you will know that enjoy ownership and involvement have for College rooms, to ensure in the Union, but again only a few our clubs. the budgeting process is currently of their budget by allowing them that there are clear guidelines. All details ever reach us so it is hard We have a limited number of underway. Over the last few months, to decide how to target the money the complaints we have had have to see where the real problem lies. rooms with a very large number a Budget Review has been undertak- allocated to them. been passed on to them and we will Hopefully, after this response, we of groups wanting to use them for en, with the feedback from clubs and So, do think carefully about your be meeting with them in the com- will get more information about the meetings, rehearsals and other club societies being conveyed via your budgets. If you’ve had budget prob- ing weeks to see what progress has problems. We do realise that there events, therefore bookings can be CSC (Club and Society Committee) lems this year, please ensure that been made. are issues and are trying to ensure difficult to find. or FU (Faculty Union) representa- they don’t happen again. For more It is important that if you have any that we improve the process when We do also hire out our rooms tive and improvements made for information, contact your CSC or problems you pass on the details on the system is failing the needs of to external organisations because this year’s process in response. FU representatives. No glove, no love

At university there is often a lot of yourself against these infections by sexually. It’s possible to spread the It is important for you to know the partying going on, and for many it is using the right type of contracep- ADVICE SERVICE infection to the mouth during oral symptoms of STIs and not ignore a time when you spread your wings tion. And you need to do this until sex and you might get type I infec- them in the hope that they will go and feel free. University is also a both you and your partner are sure tions in the genital area. away. If you feel that you may have time when many people discover there’s no chance of either of you Symptoms: It can cause pain- contracted an STI or if you would themselves sexually and, as the catching or passing on an STI. ful coldsore-like spots (ulceration) like a sexual health check-up, you your social experience increases, Here’s a list of some of the better- around the vagina and the penis. will need to make an appointment at it is often a chance for you to meet known STIs: As with cold sores, once you’ve had your local genito-urinary medicine new people and let some of your them, the virus stays in your system (GUM) clinic. To find out where it barriers fall. Chlamydia throughout your life and could flare is, you can come to the Information If you are sexually active it is often Symptoms: In women, this infection up again. and Advice Centre or phone Sexual easy to forget about the risks and often produces no symptoms, but Treatment: There are now anti- Health Direct on 0845 310 1334. not protect yourself against sexu- can block the fallopian tubes, caus- viral antibiotics, which can be used Alternatively, if you live locally ally transmitted infections (STIs). ing fertility problems later. You may to control and reduce a ‘flare-up’, you can make an appointment at It is good to enjoy sex and feel good notice slight discharge or pain on but they aren’t a cure. If you’re the Imperial College Health Centre. about our relationships, but at some urinating. In men, it often affects the NIGEL COOKE pregnant, there is a risk of the baby Check out their webpage, www. point in your life you may find your- urethra and causes marked symp- STUDENT ADVISER getting a severe and potentially imperial.ac.uk/healthcentre/health. self facing difficulties or problems toms such as discharge or pain on fatal herpes infection, so if you have htm. about your sexual health. urinating, described as ‘non-specif- pain on urinating. Itching or anal active ulcers you need to discuss it The Information and Advice Staying sexually healthy is about ic-urethritis’ (NSU). discharge is also possible, though with your midwife or GP. Centre (IAC) has loads of leaflets dealing with sexual problems as they Treatment: Testing involves a spe- some people get no symptoms at on this issue. The IAC also has a happen and avoiding them in the cial swab, or urine or blood tests. all and carry the infection from one Syphilis limited supply of condoms which first place. STIs are on the increase Treatment is with a specific type of partner to the next. Symptoms: It may start with a sore we give out for free – just pop down in this country and it is important to antibiotics, but it can require sev- Treatment: There is a risk of dam- in the vaginal or anal area, or around to the East Wing basement in Beit be aware of the risks and to protect eral courses of tablets. Your sexual age to your fallopian tubes, with the genitals in men. Once the initial Quad and take a few. yourself from these infections. partners should be contacted and reduced fertility, if the infection is ulcer heals, it can stay in your sys- If you would like further informa- There are at least 25 STIs, includ- checked as well. not treated. If you have gonorrhoea, tem for years. tion on this article or if you have ing chlamydia, gonorrhoea and gen- you should not have sex until you Treatment: Swabs that are usually any queries on any subject we cover ital herpes. STIs are some of the Gonorrhoea have had swabs done and a course used to test for STIs may show noth- please contact us. commonest infections around the Causes: Caused by a bacteria and of antibiotic treatment. Your sexual ing, so blood tests are also used in Don’t let your concern turn into a world and affect people of all ages, can affect the vagina, urethra, penis, partners should be contacted and diagnosing syphilis. Although cases crisis – make the IAC your one stop races and sexualities. As well as rectum and even the mouth if you checked, too. are rare now, this serious infection shop for all of your welfare issues. being easy to catch, we also know have oral sex. can cause infertility and affect the that you’re more at risk from HIV Symptoms: Women tend to notice Herpes heart, blood vessels, skin, bones and ● The Information and Advice if you sleep with someone who is a profuse, yellow or greenish watery Causes: Herpes is a virus (herpes brain if left untreated. The infection Centre is now in the East Wing base- already carrying an STI. vaginal discharge and pain on uri- simplex type II) similar to the one can be treated with antibiotics and, ment of Beit Quad. Open: 10am-6pm Whether you are straight, gay, bi nating. Men may see a yellowy green that causes cold sores (herpes like other STIs, it is important to Monday-Friday. Phone: 020 7594 or transsexual, you need to protect discharge from the penis and have simplex type I), and is transmitted contact and test all sexual partners. 8066. Email: [email protected]. Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 9

COMMENT [email protected] Letters to the Editor Pay problems Lessons to be learnt from this: have had this problem. 3) If only one police officer assault- missing out on the whole aim of uni- Sherfield Security need to review The point I was trying to make ed Babar, why did the others stand versity if you use it just to work. Like their procedures for first aid train- was that individually these problems there and watch? meeting people, having fun, maybe Dave, ing; medical students really don’t would not have been that bad but 4) Why did 3 independent eye- even putting something back into the know what they’re doing even when combined between them they could witnesses (neighbours) inform the uni and/or the community. But obvi- In response to your front page arti- threatened with a real life situation. cause students great distress in investigation that they did not wit- ously it is not obligatory – I would cle ‘Pay problems for student staff’ what is an important year of there ness any struggle? not be where I am today if it weren’t in last week’s Felix: Kind regards, degree. 5) Why has Babar not been charged for my highly developed sense of I have been working here for over Name and department supplied I would also like to point out and with making false allegations against apathy and a keen knowledge of how two years now. The fact that it takes apologise to the secretarial staff of members of the police? best to avoid doing stuff. Still I know six weeks to get pay for some shifts the department, who may have mis- 6) If Babar was a highly danger- that occasionally a little effort makes is of course ridiculous, but I think the understood the article, I believe they ous Al-Qaida terrorist, why was everything better. In this instance, most important part of your article More exam anguish are not at fault for the above prob- he released without charge in it is mainly that if by some quirk of to highlight was what Mustafa Arif lems, the job they perform, which December 2003? fate I manage to encourage peo- had to say about non-student casual includes being a link between stu- 7) Why did the IPCC ignore the ple to write something, I will have staff still being paid weekly! Dear Felix, dents and the department is per- opinion of Dr Manolis Gavalas, an something to read and I won’t have When the change happened, we formed consistently in a faultless independent medico-legal expert to spend weeks deciding whether were told that it was necessary for I’d like to write a short response to manner with a cheerful attitude, and who examined Babar? or not to write something instead us to have our pay scheme changed Mr Rorke’s letter in issue 1311. all the more admirable bearing in We would like all of the officers of staring blankly into the Mission in order to bring us in line with the Can I just point out that I person- mind the “fluid and laissez faire” concerned to be charged and pros- Failed screen of GTA 3. rest of college’s staff, as this would ally pointed out to Mr Rorke the nature of the department (as dis- ecuted, not just disciplined with a reduce costs in payroll. The fact that issues several weeks before the end cussed above and in my previous slap on the wrist. We are consider- Tristan Lane there are still staff being paid weekly of the autumn term and heard noth- letter). ing taking further action and we Medic, 5th year by college payroll enforces my belief ing back from him on the subject seek an urgent independent public that it was not necessary to fast- and it was up to the students them- Thankyou inquiry into this matter. Dave Edwards, Editor, replies: track all of us student staff onto the selves within their departments to John Sykes Felix is a popular newspaper this scheme. There could have been far kick up a fuss to get their exam MSci Geology (3rd year) Family of Babar Ahmad year. Almost all of our 4000 cop- more time for negotiation with the dates changed! Surely since dates (The Still Disgruntled Rock Hunter) ies disappear quickly each week. I Union and planning by the college are confirmed two years in advance ● Terror Suspect’s Dad, a docu- have received more compliments to make sure that if it did eventually as (Sam so courteously pointed out mentary on the ‘Free Babar Ahmad’ on the new style of Felix than I could become truly necessary for us to be to the readership), the DPEWs of the campaign, will be shown at 10pm on possibly count. on monthly pay, it could have gone last three years had plenty of time to Babar Ahmad Wednesday 26 January on BBC2. Cost was only one factor behind ahead without all the glitches we realise the problem far earlier? the change of format. The new ‘com- have experienced. These included Yet another example of the union’s pact newspaper’ style defines Felix not being paid, being paid too much, bumbling inability to see into the Dear Felix, as a student newspaper, rather than tax and NI not being deducted, emer- future and take preventative action, Fun in Felix? lying somewhere between newspa- gency tax being deducted and so on leaving them shrugging their shoul- We, the family of Babar Ahmad, per and magazine. The new style ad infinitum... ders and scratching themselves; let- reject outright and condemn the looks more like a ‘real’ publication Perhaps, too, if we had been ting the students down inevitably. decision of the Independent Police It saddens me to write this. In years and is taken more seriously and warned of this change, those of us Complaint’s Commission (IPCC) to gone by, the pages of noble Felix given more respect as a result. who are hard up enough to need our Yours Sincerely, formally discipline one of the sev- were filled with interesting columns We didn’t cull any writers – they cash “up front” would have had a Tim Weinert-Aplin eral Anti-Terrorist Branch Police and funny stories. So much so in fact either left College or just stopped chance to make alternative arrange- Aero 4 Officers who caused life-threaten- that my vastly inferior writing skills writing, unfortunately. To imply ments before the start of term. It ing injuries to Babar whilst in their were never called upon. Now, howev- that our current team of contribu- would have been even nicer if we custody on 02 December 2003. We er, things have changed. Very much tors lacks vision, skill and ideas is had been consulted on the change, further question the timing of this for the worse. First we lose the for- a cheap and ultimately pointless but then again, as it seems that Dear Felix, decision, more than a year after the mat for cost reasons – fair enough. insult to these hard-working, tal- Mustafa himself was barely consult- assault, and a week prior to BBC2’s But did you have to cull all the writ- ented volunteers. ed, that might be like asking for the Two weeks ago I had a letter pub- documentary on Babar’s case on ers as well? I mean you didn’t even Many Imperial students are inter- moon on a stick. lished here. Despite it being anony- 26th January 2005. We feel that this pay them. They had vision, skills and ested in national and/or business mous I have since received some is a cynical ploy to create a scape- possibly even ideas. news, and we are able to give a Yours, reprecussions. I would like to re-iter- goat out of one officer to spare the The idea of a student paper is not limited amount from our own per- Jess Baker ate the points in the article 2 weeks superiors from blame. to deliver daily news from the busi- spective, so why shouldn’t we do IV Chemistry with Management ago. Our faith in the British Justice ness world, or even daily national that? The operating system articles 1) In response to a Felix headline System is such that we always news. That’s what actual newspa- have attracted several comments last term I pointed out that Mech expected a “cover-up” from the pers are for. A student paper should and questions from readers – it’s Eng was not the only department outset, but we did not expect the offer information about student life clear that people are interested in Security and medics with a ridiculous Christmas period, IPCC, Crown Prosecution Service – funny events, places to eat, general that kind of thing. we in ESE also had problems – fault and members of the medical pro- crude. It should be interesting. Fair Of course there is space for ‘fun’ for this in my opinion clearly lies fession to be part of it. This is the enough we’re all geeky enough to articles, but we need people to write Dear Felix, with college who set the term dates fourth time that the authorities have appreciate computers and gadgets. them. Incidentally, Coffee Break – why we could not have started that charged their version of events of But maybe more reviews of games already offers two pages of fun Today, Tuesday 18 January, a student term earlier I do not know. what happened to Babar on that and funky stuff and less dry pieces and games each week. I’m not sure had a fit in the entrance hall of the 2) Also in response to a Felix head- day. First they declared in court that about operating systems – which that we should be offering ‘general Sir Alexander Fleming Building. line last term, examinable material Babar’s injuries were old injuries. as anyone knows, aren’t interesting, crude’, whatever that is. Students present at the time (indeed an exam) was scheduled Then they said that “some” of the even to mac fanatics. Any student is welcome to write were reported to have done nothing in the lunch period – clashing with injuries were old. Then they said that You need to have information on for Felix. We really do want as many except continue to purchase their some peoples humanities courses Babar kicked, punched and violently how the university is being run and people as possible to get involved food from the shop while watch- (hence why nothing should be time- resisted arrest. Now they are saying plans for the future. You also need – it’s what we’re here for, and we ing on. Eventually a student had tabled in the lunch hour). The only that the injuries were not old and to have columns on how wonderful include something like 80-90% of the sense to ring Sherfield Security option I was given was to sit it in some of the officers used excessive donuts are and how ignoring dead- what we receive. I accept that there (of which there should be a fully the afternoon, which clashed with force. They have also claimed that lines seriously reduces dancing abil- is less fun, comedy, humorous col- trained medical officer at all times), a departmental lecture. I eventu- the officers acted as such because ity at dB’s. However, these shouldn’t umns etc in Felix this year, but that’s after which four (allegedly) burly ally sat it then. I believe no student they believed Babar to be a highly necessarily be vying for space in the only because no-one seems to want but medically incompetent guards should be put in this position – I do dangerous terrorist who trained in same column. to write them! If there’s something appeared with no first aid equip- not accept that Monday 3rd being a Al-Qaida camps. So what needs to be done? you want to see in these pages, you ment and proceeded to join in the Bank Holiday as an excuse, it has This latest decision leaves a Basically there needs to be a drive can do something about it – either staring contest. been scheduled then for a long time. number of questions unanswered: back towards fun – everyone needs make a specific suggestion or write Paramedics were eventually called If exams were indeed supposed to 1) If Babar violently resisted arrest a break from knowledge occasionally it yourself. Contact me at felix@ic. and arrived within minutes and dealt have being scheduled for the ‘first and attacked police officers, why surely? Is there really no place for ac.uk. with the situation accordingly. One Monday’ of term (10th) then there was he not charged with assaulting fannying about? What are we, seri- of the students who originally aided would not be a full day of departmen- police? ous scientists or students? There is ● I am pleased to say that Tristan the suffering student was rewarded tal lectures that day. I believe blame 2) Where is the medical evidence so much more to life than studying. Lane writes for Felix in this week’s by a ‘Well done miss,’ by one of the for this lies with the department, of any injuries sustained by the I mean really there is. No matter Sport section, page 23, and in next security officers. as other departments don’t seem to police officers? how much you pay to study, you’re week’s Comment section

Send your letters to [email protected]. Make your voice heard

Letters may be edited for length, but not for spelling or grammar. Letters are printed at the Editor’s discretion. Felix 10 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

Careers [email protected] Looking for a career in consultancy?

and Bain. ‘Human resource consult- Careers ing’ firms offer specialist advice in personnel policy, manpower planning, job events enrichment, job evaluation and industrial relations. Employer drop-in GABRIELLA SILVESTRI & They include Aon Consulting, session Mercer Human Resource Deloitte CASSANDRA ALDRICH Consulting and Towers Wed 9 Feb, 12 – 5pm. CAREERS EDITORS Perrin. Sign-up begins Mon 17 Jan. ‘Niche firms’ consist of con- Book at Imperial Careers Many are keen to pursue a sultants leaving the larger Service. career in consulting. Reasons companies and setting up why include good money, a their own consultancy firms Employers skills led jet-setting lifestyle and the in a particular sector, or offer- workshops chance to tell MDs how to ing a specialist service. PricewaterhouseCoopers / run their companies. In a consulting situation, Psychometric Testing Graduates aiming for the there are usually five ‘phases’ Wed 26 Jan, 1.30 – 3.30pm City often choose consult- to a process: entry (contact- Venue: SAF 120. ing over banking due to the ing and contracting); diagno- Sign-up begins Mon 10 Jan. project based and problem sis; implementation; consoli- solving nature of the work. dation; and evaluation. IBM assessment centres A career in consulting is a Responsibility is a pillar of Wed 2 Feb, 1 – 3pm lifestyle choice, which gives a successful consulting proc- Venue: SAF 119. the opportunity to work for ess, together with empathy Sign-up begins Mon 10 Jan. many different companies in and trust. The client finds a succession of different chal- himself in a situation without lenges. There is the satisfac- the ability to resolve it. When Postgraduate Study & tion of making a difference assignments go wrong, inevi- Training Fair 2005 and seeing people take over tably consultant and client Wed 26 Jan, 12.30pm your ideas and put them into have a rather different per- – 7.30pm. practice successfully. ception of the situation. The Business Design Centre, Consultants tend to spe- client will usually believe that Islington, London. cialise in one or more areas the consultant did not come that could be divided into four up with any original ideas and main types: produced recommendations MBA Fair 2005 ‘Generalist’ includes the which were either impratical Wed 26 Jan, 12.30pm large consulting firms offering or otherwise unacceptable. – 7.30pm a wide range of services from From the consultant’s per- Business Design Centre, strategy consulting and human spective it may look a little Islington, London. resources to IT. Examples different: the client did not of these are Accenture, provide an adequate briefing. Deloitte Consulting, IBM They could never make time Procter & Gamble Business Consulting Services available for meetings but Recruitment and Computer Sciences still wanted everything done Presentation Corporation. in a hurry. Tue 2 Feb, 7pm. ‘Strategy consulting’ are So, if such a challenging To save time on arrival, pre- the smaller organizations environment attracts you, Consulting: solving big business problems in a challenging environment register at pgevent2005@pg. that offer strategic advice to here are some tips: com. companies on a project-by- You will need to display a ● Clarity of expression – both jects that you will enjoy and at There are several good The Strand Palace Hotel, project basis. This involves wide range of personal quali- verbally and in writing which you will excel, as grades sources of information on a The Strand long range planning, the reor- ties. A would-be consultant ● Empathy – the ability to are the most important factor career in consultancy, such ganization of a company’s must possess the following recognise another person’s to firms. Do as much research as the MCA (Management structure, rationalization of traits: point of view, although not as possible before choosing Consultancies Association) Introducing Careers in services and products, and a ● Integrity – your client’s necessarily agreeing with it. a consultancy. Talk to firms website, www.mca.org.uk, Development general business appraisal of needs come first It is not important to have a you are interested in and to and the IMC (Institute of 15 Feb. the Company. Within this cat- ● An analytical mind – every business-related degree and people who have worked with Management Consultancy) By the end of the day you will egory are firms like McKinsey problem must have a solution it is advisable to take sub- them. website, www.imc.co.uk. have a realistic and informed view of the sector together with practical tips on how to get into it. Cost: Tips from an Imperial graduate £20 – University of London students and members of Michael Walton (Imperial an ad-hoc basis as a trouble- only be achieved by putting with your degree, the real five years, preferably more, GradClub alumnus) set up his own con- shooter, often in a legal situa- in the years at various levels work starts – you basically before considering this, as it £40 – All other participants. sultancy business. He tells tion as an expert witness. of responsibility in industry. only have limited technical is easy to be pigeon-holed. For more information, email Felix about his line of work: I worked in production and knowledge, and no experi- The best way to get into this [email protected]. After you graduated did technical services before join- ence of industrial practice is with a large engineering ac.uk. How would you define you already know that ing a consultancy. I then had and technology in a real consultant such as Bechtel what consultancy is to you wanted to get into a five year stint as a sales sense – especially IR issues. or KBR. This allows a wide students? consultancy? director importing industrial Another big issue here is the range of experience quite Introducing Careers in This is difficult, but I would No, this was never planned, consumables, before return- interaction of various dis- quickly. Charities say that in my industry, a con- but being attracted to major ing to consulting with my own ciplines needed in a major 16 Feb. sultant is a person or com- projects, it was the only path business. So that’s 12 years plant, particularly process Any additional informa- This new course will cover pany which supplies various to take in the long term. production/tech, eight years and maintenance engineers. tion or thoughts? the main career areas: technical services that can- consulting, five years sales, I would hesitate to recom- campaigning, fundraising, not be conducted with the cli- Did you have different and a further eight years on Do you have any advice to mend starting out by oneself policy-making and lobbying, ent’s own resources. These jobs in between finishing my own. students wishing to get too young, it is not easy – I research, marketing and PR, services are usually related your studies and going into this field or advice am over 50! Some commer- administration and project to projects and have a limited into consultancy? Do you think being at resulting from your expe- cial experience is also needed management. time span, and a well-defined You have to gain a wide range Imperial equipped you riences? to avoid financial pitfalls. A For information, email ‘result’. Alternatively, a con- of experience to have credibil- well for your career? Do not choose consultancy business course would be [email protected]. sultant is often called in on ity as a consultant. This can Partly, but when you leave too young. Spend at least very useful. ac.uk. Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 11

Around Campus [email protected] Christmas at Silwood By Andy Brown money for charity. It is a night Union President against the matised). Congratulations more serious runners, this of a brussel sprout just right Silwood Park Correspondent like no other, where every- campus Dean. have to be given to Tom was not even a walk in the that it would be projected off one is put on a level playing On his returning trip, he Ezard, Kelly Moyes and Katy park and they had finished the end of a party popper for The end of the calendar year field, from the gardeners to passes a Richard and Judy Barton for scriptwriting and long before the vat of mulled the correct distance, although had come at last. For most the campus Dean, everyone show, our Union President on organising the rabble. wine and tray of mince pies the winner had to be the age- of the Silwood residents, laughs at others’ expense and blind date picking a romantic The following morning was were warmed up! old flicking mince pudding off Christmas is a stressful time then doesn’t complain when holiday with his supervisor, Christmas Day (a little bit Once everyone had had a a spoon. of the year, with exams before the jokes come on to them. and course organisers try- early, admittedly, being the chance to dry off, the day con- The evening’s entertain- and after the break, and a This year’s story took a ing to explain and justify why 17th). The day started off tinued with the lazier resi- ment commenced as we final- quiet time for those who are panto tale and added an ele- one course consists solely of bright and early. Well, early dents finally getting out of bed ly managed to get a karaoke not going home. ment of Silwood individual- female students. At one point, yes, bright no! Our traditional and joining everyone else in machine and continued to Before we departed, we ism. Dick Whittington leaves somehow, all the senior lec- Christmas morning fun run the main hall for some expert- impress all of Silwood with had a couple of days to let off his PhD at Silwood with his turers end up on stage doing was welcomed with wind and ly sung Christmas carols, with our singing ability... some steam. This year saw subconscious bunny compan- the ‘macarena’. rain, which made it a little the odd serenade by a very The only person really wor- the return of the much-loved ion, in search of fame after After some strenuous cam- less fun! But did that stop any- merry, slightly intoxicated, thy of holding the microphone Silwood review, a light-heart- being fed up with living in paigning, Dick wins and is one, of course! The Christmas Christmas tree! Christmas was the Christmas fairy ed look at the world of science the middle of nowhere. After worshipped by all Silwood fairy, a few elves, a superhero dinner followed, with only with her rendition of Alanis and life on the campus over coming across many interest- residents, gets his girlfriend and even the Christmas tree the odd attempt to catapult Morissette’s Ironic. However, the past year. It is a night ing characters on his travels, back from the Dean, and they had dragged themselves out food to neighbouring tables. as the drink continued to flow, loved by all, a time to get a a Brummie-accented voice live happily every after (with of bed to do the three mile It was a serious scientific this didn’t stop anyone from beer and have a laugh, with from above tells him to go the exception of some senior run/walk around the grounds experiment trying to get the believing they were the next the added bonus of raising back to Silwood and run for lecturers who were left trau- and roads of Silwood. For the weight, shape and moistness Britney Spears or Will Young.

What’s on [email protected] Concert Hall to its limit, with Every lunchtime this week days travelling around the THURSDAY flying, trapdoors, pyro and Sir Alexander Fleming Building world visiting construction shaving foam. and JCR sites. The aim of this journey Running an event? 20 JANUARY See: www.dramsoc.org/tickets £6.95 per box was to gain a better under- Place your pre-orders with standing of sustainability and Tell us about it! TALK our team of doctors & nurses sustainable issues in con- ENGINEERS WITHOUT and you can expect to col- struction. BORDERS FRIDAY lect your boxes of freshly The three month itiner- Felix will print your listings free of charge. 1pm made original glazed dogh- ary included visits to Dubai, Just email [email protected] and tell us: Room 342, Mech Eng 21 JANUARY nuts on Friday 28 January! Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan, • the name of the event Priti Parikh discusses slum For a minimum donation of Australia and the United networking in India. UNION EVENTS £3 our nurses can also deliver States. Whilst travelling, • who is running it Contact: DRAMSOC PANTO: JACK it to your department/lecture James received a crash • the time [email protected] AND THE BEANSTALK theatre/office at an agreed course in global business • the location 7.30pm time. Stock is limited so do etiquette, including cultural UNION EVENTS Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad pre-order yours. ICSM Rag challenges as Sushi with con- • the cost (if any) PINKS: ANN SUMMERS £4.50 students, £6 others supports Macmillan Cancer tractors in Japan, just like in • a brief description of the event PARTY FOR BREAST See: www.dramsoc.org/tickets Relief. an HSBC advert. • a contact email address CANCER CARE Contact: [email protected] James will be giving a lunch- 6.30pm UNION EVENTS time talk going through some Please put ‘LISTINGS’ in the subject field. dBs, Beit Quad ROCK CITY details of what he learned £3.50 8pm–2am about sustainability, pictures An evening to raise money for Beit Quad TUESDAY of the highlights from his trip 11.30am. Breast Cancer Care, includ- £3 and advice for anyone looking ALL WEEK TEAM AMERICA: WORLD ing organised entertainment Playing the best rock party 25 JANUARY to organise their own ‘global’ POLICE (15) from Ann Summers, auctions tunes. Snakebite and black £1 internship. FILMS: VUE CINEMA, Daily: 5pm, 7.20pm, 9.40pm. of eligible bachelors, blind a pint. UNION EVENTS Contact: FULHAM BROADWAY Mon to Fri: 2.45pm. Fri and date and a raffle. Women only Contact: [email protected] STA TRAVEL QUIZ NIGHT [email protected] Student discount ALL WEEK Sat only: 11.55pm. (sorry boys!) 8–10.30pm RAY (15) MILLION DOLLAR BABY Contact: Beit Quad UNION EVENTS Daily: 2.30pm, 5.50pm, 9pm. (12A) [email protected] FREE SPORTS NIGHT Sat and Sun only: 11.20am. Daily: 2.15pm, 5.30pm, SATURDAY The quiz is a bit of a tradition 8pm–12midnight ELEKTRA (12A) 8.15pm. UNION EVENTS at the Union, with cash and Beit Quad Daily: 1.20pm, 3.50pm, 6.15pm, VANITY FAIR (PG) QUIZ NIGHT 22 JANUARY beer prizes on offer. Get a £1 (Free before 9pm) 8.30pm. Fri and Sat only: Fri to Wed: 1.10pm, 6.30pm. 7.30pm team together and see how Carlsberg and Tetley £1 a pint 11pm. Sat only: 11am. Sat and Sun only: 10.10am. Reynolds Building, Charing UNION EVENTS much you really know. all night in all bars. A VERY LONG WHITE NOISE (15) Cross Hospital DRAMSOC PANTO: JACK Contact: [email protected] Contact: [email protected] ENGAGEMENT (15) Fri to Wed: 4.10pm, 9.30pm. £2 per person AND THE BEANSTALK Daily: 1.30pm, 4.30pm, 7.45pm. Fri and Sat only: 11.50pm Win an XBox, Game Cube or 7.30pm Fri and Sat only: 10.45pm. Sat LEMONY SNICKET’S A PS2! Come down and prove Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad and Sun only: 10.30am. SERIES OF UNFORTU- how much knowledge you £4.50 students, £6 others WEDNESDAY THURSDAY GARDEN STATE (15) NATE EVENTS (PG) have. See: www.dramsoc.org/tickets Fri to Wed: 8pm. Mon to Fri: Sat and Sun only: 10am, Contact: 26 JANUARY 27 JANUARY 5.20pm. Fri and Sat only: 12.20pm, 2.40pm. [email protected] 10.30pm. THE INCREDIBLES (U) MONDAY TALK VERY IMPORTANT FINDING NEVERLAND Sat and Sun only: 12.10pm, UNION EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD IN FELIX PUBLISHED (PG) 3pm. DRAMSOC PANTO: JACK 24 JANUARY 86 DAYS 10am onwards Fri to Wed: 5.40pm. Mon to HOUSE OF FLYING DAG- AND THE BEANSTALK 12noon Pick up the next issue of your Fri: 12.50pm GERS (12A) 7.30pm UNION EVENTS Mech Eng room 220 student newspaper from your CLOSER (15) Fri and Sat only: 11.20pm. Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad MEDICS RAG KRISPY In the summer of 2004, elec- department or the Union Daily: 2pm, 4.20pm, 6.45pm, THE POLAR EXPRESS (U) £4.50 students, £6 others KREME DOUGHNUT trical engineering student building. 9.15pm. Fri and Sat only: Sat and Sun only: 11.50am. Dramsoc use the Union SALES James Devine spent his holi- Contact: [email protected] 11.40pm. Sat and Sun only: Felix 12 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

Music [email protected] Music is back! Andrew Sykes ushers in the new year with a suitably futuristic release from your new favourite French electro-prog duo, M83

sive choruses, as demonstrated by ALBUM REVIEW the wonderfully titled Teen Angst. Gorgeous arpeggios of keyboards M83 and stilted, barely understandable Before The Dawn Heals Us vocals cascade into walls of strings (Gooom Records) and utterly enveloping, wordless HHHHI vocal harmonies offset against a cheap, skittering drum machine. I The music press is fickle. In 2003, have absolutely no idea what they’re you couldn’t move for articles prais- singing about, but it’s truly moving. ing French duo M83’s second record, Asterisk is reminiscent of America the gloriously OTT Dead Cities, Red from Dead Cities..., the huge electro Seas And Lost Ghosts, using adjec- basslines and synthesised strings tives like ‘superlative’, ‘emotive’, now combining with a much more and (my favourite) ‘transcendent’. upfront use of guitars. When you The mixture of cheap-sounding yet least expect it, the track drops back expensive synthesizers and drum to the menacing bassline, before machines, making desolate but lurching back into the main riff. organic-sounding soundscapes, ‘Lurching’ is perhaps the wrong seemed to defy comparison or word, since the most frightening explanation. So, flushed with their thing about it is the precision with success, our Gallic chums retreated which the noise is unleashed. to their studio to record this, the As with Dead Cities…, at least half follow-up. Unfortunately, the music the album is made up of meander- press has long since recovered from ing, layered songs that seem to build its infatuation with their brand of and build until there’s little room prog-electro, resulting in a general to breathe in the sound. Whereas half-hearted panning of the album. these would previously drift on for M83: French, progressive, and named after a distant galaxy. Pretentious, moi? So, is it as good as Dead Cities... six minutes plus, most of them clock is? Yes, but in a different way. in at under four minutes. This new- Car Chase Terror harks back I’ve mentioned the things that your chosen deity for programmable Don’t Save Us From The Flames found brevity is both a blessing and to M83’s debut with its extensive make this album great, but one song CD players, eh? I advise you to sim- is a classic example of punked-up a curse; whereas it seemed that the use of sampling; crickets and pass- really defiled my enjoyment of it. ply skip it, and never ever listen to M83 at work; pleasant female har- songs would often run short of ideas ing traffic provide a backing for a The offender, Can’t Stop, is almost it. You’ll save yourself the pain of a monies drift over furious drums, well shy of the end (bar the sublime truly disturbing roadside dialogue unredeemable, sounding like a poor single song spoiling this otherwise underpinned by some thunderous Beauties Must Die), now you almost between a mother and her daughter Bee Gees pastiche that destroys the great album. guitar-as-synth attack. There’s a will them to continue and explore. about a demonic stalker. As the girl otherwise perfect first half of the distinct eighties feel to the track that A prime example is I Guess I’m pleads “Turn the key, go, go!” walls album. Whatever possessed them to File under: M83 have never exhibited before; Floating, with its gentle keyboard of synths and double-time drums repeatedly sing, in Chipmunk voic- Mind-expanding electronica something in the way the synthe- progression that cries out to be built create a sense of desperation, of es, “I can’t stop, yeah” for more than If you like this, try: sisers and guitars overlap. They’ve up and built up. Instead, it’s merely panic, that aims (and succeeds) to two minutes eludes me. Perhaps a My Bloody Valentine – Loveless also discovered the concept of mas- faded out two minutes in. instil the same fear in the listener. huge dose of LSD is to blame. Thank The break-up of The Smiths far behind him, and his partnership with Johnny Marr long forgotten, Morrissey brings his live show to the stadiums of old England

Smiths classic, sounding as fresh as Blood, English Heart, and at his crit- LIVE REVIEW the day it was made, with the more ics in You Know I Couldn’t Last. One hard-edged Boz Boorer replac- aspect of Mozzer’s music is that, if Morrissey ing the original swampy sound of he isn’t brilliantly laying into one of Earls Court Johnny Marr’s guitar solo. He fol- his enemies, he pontificates on his HHHHI lowed this with First Of The Gang lonely, asexual lifestyle – one that To Die, the story of gang memeber many of his fans seem to relate to. In The return of Stephen Patrick Hector’s cruel death to ‘a bullet in I Have Forgiven Jesus, Moz blames Morrissey to the music world from his gullet’. Christ for giving him “So much love his self-imposed exile in Los Angeles Other highlights included the sin- in a loveless world”. was quite possibly the musical high- gle Let Me Kiss You, and the two clas- He finished the night with a Smiths light of 2004. sics from the legendary 1986 album tear-jerker, Last Night I Dreamt With the release of the album The Queen Is Dead of Bigmouth That Somebody Loved Me, which You Are The Quarry, arguably his Strikes Again and There Is A Light pretty well speaks for itself but was best work since the break up of his That Never Goes Out, where he moving mostly because of the beau- band The Smiths in 1987, Morrissey sings “If a ten ton truck kills the tiful keyboard solo at the end. took aim at his critics, who “had both of us, to die by your side, well, Despite the appalling arena, this my face dragged in fifteen miles of the pleasure and the privilege is gig was sheer adrenaline. Even in s***”, and fired with deadly accu- mine.” Morrissey, affectionately my spot, which seemed so far away I racy. Depending on your personal known as Mozzer, can be completely may as well have been in South Ken, opinion, the enigmatic Mancunian unlikable and at the same time com- the band’s electrifying performance is often called either ‘the Pope of pellingly charismatic, charming and combined with Mozzer’s primal mope’ or ‘golden-voice’. On the evi- malicious in one sentence. Tonight northern vocals had everyone disap- dence of his recent material and was no exception. pointed that it didn’t go on longer. this gig at Earl’s Court, I am more Many of the later tracks saw A question posed in Morrissey’s inclined to refer to him by the Morrissey in his usual beliger- 1990 hit Piccadilly Palace was “Why latter. ent mood. Soon after lambasting do you smile when you think about Tonight, ‘golden-voice’ would “lockjawed popstars, thicker than Earl’s Court?” Following this per- have silenced any nay-sayers in the pig-s***” in The World Is Full Of formance, I had plenty of reasons. arena. He opened with the bom- Crashing Bores, he takes a shot Andrew Sykes Morrissey: boy in da corner bastic How Soon Is Now?, a 1984 at Labour and the Tories in Irish Music Editor Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 13

MUSIC [email protected] Album roundup The Others release their middle-class baiting long-awaited debut, Feeder return from hiatus but fail to impress, and Digger’s done good with the new Fabric release

the more palatable Doolittle sound, common practice to have their ALBUM REVIEWS but Franck Black and Kim Deal’s entire fan club on the guest list songwriting still retained vitality. for shows, so those who couldn’t Feeder Grant Nicholas’ writing does have afford to could go, could. They get an Pushing The Senses underlying uplifting themes such as album dedication: Community 853 (Echo) the celebration theme in Dove Grey is named after them. HHIII Sands but they aren’t communicat- After their dedicated fan base The ed effectively enough to take you Others are probably best known Now I don’t think Feeder have ever anywhere. for their “guerrilla gigging”, play- been cool, but the nature of cool is Burn Pilgrim Soul off this album ing with minimal announcement so fickle that I am going to ignore it as it is Feeder at their best, driving in unconventional places, namely while listening to this album. In fact , with a typical sing-along chorus. The a Hammersmith & City tube, the I am ignoring coolness so much I am ponderous lethargic nature of this foyer of Radio 1, and probably your wearing ankle warmers (so last sea- album is never engaging or uplift- bedroom if you asked them. These son) and smoking crack (so 2001). ing as it intends to be with its bright are the important things about The Anyway, back to the task in hand. colour scheme (suspiciously looking Others, their semi-mythology. Everyone should be aware of like the Winning Days by the Vines So, on to the music. It starts really Feeder’s situation: their last album album cover, another unengaging promisingly, with Lackey, upbeat Comfort In Sound was released in follow-up). new-wave drums and bass, with the wake of drummer Jon Lee’s The singing and songwriting razor-sharp guitars similar to Slow apparent suicide. The tragedy was fight hard to find a message and a Hands by Interpol. But in gener- obviously hanging over the album melody to convey it with, but it all al you get your Libertines-esque as it was released quite soon after ends up feeling laboured. It appears urchin-rock standard backing. It’s the event. Reviewers didn’t want to that their energy has evaporated only a matter of time before Pete John Digweed: one of the forefathers of modern dance slag the album off in case they were and they need a week of electric Doherty starts selling backing tapes accused of manslaughter or arrested shock therapy whilst on Pro-Plus. like this to fuel his crack addiction. band. One last thing, please don’t Dalessandro’s In The Dark, which for being big meanies. This obvious- Take, for example, their first single, A strange bunch as well. The bass give my address out to any of their is dark and tribal. At the end of this ly hid the fact that their last album Tumble And Fall: it’s not a piece player’s an ageing goth, the guitarist fans, I feel they may be less than one, Digweed skillfully brings up was rather bland. So I bet reviewers of Anthemology 101 but a plodding is a skinhead called something like understanding... the chunky overdriven bass of track are frothing at the mouth to rip into string-laden moan-athon. Not a good Johnny Lager, and... well I couldn’t eight, Venom by Bobby Peru. This this exploration of the banal known sign of things to come. tell you anything remarkable about File under: track progresses with bleepy and as Pushing The Senses. the drummer, even under threat of Obsessive fanbase urchin rock metallic sounds going all over the I genuinely wanted to like this File under: being force-fed the millions of copies If you like this, try: place, until towards the end a much album because I am anticipating Sluggish indie-pop of Busted’s third album they’ll never The Libertines, obviously more solid beat comes in to tighten the bad reviews. However, as the CD If you like this, try: release (Busted RIP). things up a bit. ended, I sighed in despair. The earlier, better Feeder OK then, what’s the point? Why do James Millen Moving into the next track, Martin It is, for all intents and purposes, they have a fan base at all? Enter Mr Solveig’s Rocking Music, the sound Comfort In Sound 2, except without Matty Hoban Masters, his skinny frame and lank gets more serious and driven for the stadium rockers. What we are hair railing against all authority. He a few minutes, before the bassline left with is a mellow mess of emo- doesn’t sing, oh-no, ‘cos that’s what John Digweed from Slam’s Lie To Me washes up tions and clichéd lyrics. The closest the record company wants him to Fabric 20 and releases the pressure – the kind we get to something that remotely The Others do. Instead he executes a lazy drawl (Fabric) of bassline that destroys a dance- rocks is the title track or Pilgrim The Others that turns “out of here” to “ou-ha- HHHHI floor. A few minutes of this and Soul, which is anthemic rather than (Mercury) ere”, or the track Pshychovision to the mix moves on, into the robotic rocking. Having said that, it still feels HHIII “psah-cow-vee-shown”. It came as Digweed is one of the forefathers whining of Angel Alanis’ Knob Job. like an overproduced Insomnia from no surprise that the favourite gig of the modern dance scene. He’s Again the bassline moves things on, their earlier days, with added hand- A tricky one this. You see, in my he’s been to is an Oasis concert. been successful all around the resolving the tension built from the claps (though not even the power of opinion, there is no need for this Occasional bursts of “chicka-chicka- world for over a decade, created previous mix. the handclap can save this song). album to exist. The Others have chick-ow!” had me grinning, and what some call the first DJ mix CD, Next up is Josh Wink’s mix of Which leads me to the production; always been more about their live I’m sure “ba-ba-ba-ba-ba…bow!” Renaissance, with Sasha (which has Infusion’s Better World, with a sam- Gil Norton, the producer of Comfort shows; I saw them at Glastonbury had McFly’s lawyers reaching for recently been remastered), and he’s ple of “The beat don’t stop” intro- In Sound, returns behind the desk. and the dedication that was shown the phone. Right, so he’s no Jeff even got his own show on Kiss. ducing the track before it unleashes This time, he’s ready to insert some by a large chunk of the crowd was Buckley, what else could they have The Fabric/Fabriclive series of yet more killer bass. I’ve been hear- ‘electronica’ into the mix to make impressive, fans who have followed going for them? mix CDs is now up to number 20, ing this track out and about all over you think their sound has advanced them all the way. And in return, Lyrics? Well... kinda. You can see with each mix giving a subtly dif- the place, and it really hits the spot. even if the songwriting hasn’t. It adds front man Dominic Masters was how the lyrics in debut release This ferent slice of the broad genre we This is the ‘peak’ of the mix, which an overproduced sheen where there down there with them, putting his Is For The Poor could affect some call dance music. The smart ones would be at around 3-4am in a club. are no new ideas, just the same idea heart on the greasy sleeve of his people: “this is for all the kids who amongst you will have subscribed After this track is Superpitcher’s fattened up. When Norton produced charity-shop suit jacket. stand out in the crowd, for all the to the series and received a new Happiness (“I want happiness/I The Pixies, the sound went from The fans are obviously very impor- one’s who’ve been shoved around, mix every month for the rather good seek happiness”), which keeps the still raw Surfer Rosa sound to tant to the band. In the past it was this is for every disappointment.” price of £6. things moving, but towards the end So is he some new-age poet, speak- So here’s number 20, and given has a good minute which is just a ing for the “kids”, eyes open to the the prowess of the DJ and the qual- synth noise being wound up and plights of the poor? No. Masters ity of the series so far, we’re all down, before it finally becomes a riff really has very little to say. “I want expecting it to be pure gold. The mix and the actual music returns. This ya to myself, I need ya more than starts gently, easing us in with soft kind of think is usually OK on the anyone else” from Southern Glow rhythmic elements and a mellow dancefloor, but as one of my friends …yawn. “Don’t wanna sell my soul vocal sample. The sounds develop to put it, “What are we supposed to to the man today” from Lackey fill more and more of the sonic can- do now?” Next is Emico by Joel …ooh not the demonic “man” who vas until a solid drum beat finally Mull, a beautiful slice of prog, sur- pays your wages (or rather doesn’t, appears after five minutes or so. rounded by emotive strings, and the you cheeky little job-dodger). Moving smoothly into track two, mix is finished with the strung out Lines like “I did acid before I did with the pulse of the music building, pseudo vocals of Matrix and Danny hash, I never wanted to sell my then into another within a few min- J’s Vertigo. ass” had me pissing myself laugh- utes, the music drops into a break- Diggers has done it again, and ing, but when in the otherwise taut down with a simple but effective brought us what most would and brooding Almanac he moans vocal, and when the beat comes describe as a virtually perfect set. “I came to London when I was 18, I back you realise how deep into the This has blissful beats that’ll keep had no money it was only a dream” mix you already are. Track four, DJ you warm until the summer comes. my iPod almost got defenestrated. I Rasoul’s True Science, picks up the Get it. mean, boo-de-fucking-hoo. pace further, with a foreboding bass So musically boring, vocally boring, riff then a some funky sax over the File under: lyrically boring. “This is for the poor, top to keep things moving. Deep and chilled prog house not the rich kids,” rails Masters. It The next track (The Glass’ Won’t If you like this, try: seems the “rich kids” have bought Bother Me) is similarly bass-led but Sasha – Involver themselves the right not to listen to with a more developed, funky house The Others: bloody hell, is that Robert Smith? a substandard Libertines support style riff. The next track is Billy Simon Clark Felix 14 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

Nightlife [email protected] The best way to start your week London is full of hidden treasures. Club 414 in Brixton is one of the shiniest Hard house, hard trance, and ‘Nu- couple of rounds of giant Connect 4. place is so small that it never feels CLUB REVIEW NRG’ are some of the names for this On the floor was where I spent empty, and with only 50 or 60 people kind of sound. Solid four-to-the-floor most of the night, enjoying the won- there you will see, if not speak to Just Groove beats at a giddy speed, plus more derful sounds of DJs Skol, Muzz most of them, and everyone here is 414, Coldharbour Lane drones, horns and hoover sounds and Roosta. These guys have been genuine and friendly. The bar staff £10 than you can shake a glow stick at. residents here for at least as long are cute and fun, too. I did leave with HHHHI The place is open for the majority as I’ve been coming, which in itself a bit of ringing in my ears, so next of the weekend: Friday, Saturday speaks volumes. To be consistently time I’ll remember my ear plugs. 414. Every hardcore hard dance fan and Sunday from 10pm to 6am, and delivering the goods to the beat- Over all the time I’ve been com- in the city should know these three afterparties on Saturday and Sunday hungry whilst helping the club go ing here, the 414 has changed a digits. For those that don’t, the 414 from 6.30am until 2pm. Come here from strength to strength year after bit, but it’s still got all of its charm is an absolute gem of a club – situ- any time and you will find more DJ Roosta year, these guys are most definitely and character. Upstairs used to be ated at number 414 Coldharbour or less the same thing – banging doing a lot of things right. As the bare, cold and dirty – now there’s Lane, Brixton, for over a decade tunes, and a wild and eclectic crowd his fifties (wearing a tweed jacket) night rolled on, so the music intensi- a carpet, the windows are properly it’s been supplying the nocturnal of revellers to bounce alongside or who’s been coming here since it fied. Needless to say I couldn’t move blocked and there are some nice hordes with just what they want chat to. opened. my body fast enough, with the music fairy lights to complement the UV – pumping, pounding, bouncy music, With all this in mind and after an “So you like hard house then?” I pushing me on with electric, acid- murals. The spiral staircase itself all weekend. uneventful weekend, plus the added asked, half rhetorically. The grin and tinged sounds and breakdowns that is decorated with more fairy lights, The place is tiny, holding a couple bonus of no lectures on Monday, I definite nod said it all. Later I saw build with a million snares until they and around the dance floor there’s of hundred at the most, and con- went down to check out Just Groove, this chap bouncing around the club, peak, offering a moment’s respite for more UV-active decoration. The vibe sists of downstairs, with bar and 414’s regular Sunday night party. giving it just as much oomph as the crowd before the beat returns to remains. the dancefloor, and upstairs (via a The first question that might anyone else. My point’s not that this hammer them some more. So, if you’re ever looking for some- narrow, twisty iron staircase) which spring to mind is: who the hell goes guy stuck out, quite the opposite. In A couple of the tracks I can pick thing a bit harder, or if you’ve been serves as a chillout area. There’s no to a hard house club on a Sunday clubs like this, anything goes and out were a super-energised mix of out and don’t want to go home, I’d music upstairs – the relentless thud- night? Well, me for a start. The rest all are welcome, especially in some- Members of Mayday’s happy house recommend you pay a visit. If you ding of the music from beneath is of the crowd is made up of those where this cosy. The only thing peo- anthem 10 in 01 and a remix of can make it for Just Groove it’s well plenty. There are, however, a snack looking for somewhere to stomp out ple would object to is pretension, if Pure White’s classic hardcore track worth it for the novelty of clubbing bar serving teas, coffees, pot noo- the dying hours of their all-weekend there was any. Instead, the attitude 4am (which itself sampled Beverly on a Sunday alone – it’s a great way dles and the like, a projector screen, session, and, well, randoms. There here is spot on – give it some on the Craven’s Promise Me). to start your week. a fish tank, and giant Connect 4. is always a nice mixture of people dance floor, or hang about upstairs The club was by no means full Simon Clark The music policy is simple – hard. – I had a nice chat to a Greek guy in and have a cup of tea, a chat, and a tonight, but that didn’t matter. The Nightlife Editor

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Arts [email protected] Swan Lake! Continuing on the Azadeh Khatiri on a unique treatment of the classic ballet theme of dance... will, he grows up longing for a car- tions in the audience, and I strongly Swan Lake ing touch that finally seems to be recommend everyone to see it at If you read the article next to this, until Sunday 30 January. This is the A Mathew Bourne Production fulfilled after falling in love with a least once. or if you are a fan of dance, you will second year in which the festival Music by Tchaikovsky swan, who he meets when trying to Unfortunately the current run has have gathered, or in the latter case has run, and this year you can even Sadlers Wells, EC1 take his own life in a lake. now ended, so you will have to wait already be well aware, that Sadlers make the most of post-performance The twists and turns of the story, for another revival. The ballet was Wells is London’s most exciting enthusiasm and take part in fla- A dear friend decided to treat me though beautifully crafted, leave premiered in 1995, so surely a tenth venue for dance. menco classes following the show at for Christmas by taking me to see the audience with a deep feeling of anniversary run will be in order. Sadlers Wells hosts a wide range Sadlers Wells. During the two-week what turned out to be one of the shock, as the swan later turns up of performances ranging from bal- duration of the festival, a wide range most exhilarating shows I have ever at a royal party as a man and tries let, of the avant garde variety or of dance troupes and star danc- watched, and I have watched a good to seduce the Queen. The Prince is otherwise, to rather less classical ers will be performing traditional, few! devastated and is locked away by expressions. They are also a venue contemporary and more forward- For a Tchaikovsky fanatic like the Queen, as he is thought to be to which visiting opera companies looking versions of this iconic dance me, who is familiar with the music, mentally ill. The swans, which seem come. form. Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake was Many of Matthew Bourne’s rath- A number of companies will be deeply touching, and by the end of “one of the most er creative reworkings of classic visiting Sadlers Wells later on this the show I was left with an over- ballets are staged at Sadlers Wells year, including the Phoenix Dance whelming mixture of emotions and exhilarating shows I with great regularity. Other Bourne Theatre, the Northern Ballet shock. His contemporary take on ballets include Cinderella and The Theatre and the legendary Sylvie the original story is his passport to have ever watched” Nutcracker, which, like Swan Lake, Guillem with ‘The Ballet Boyz’ (yes, freedom to exercise what would nor- are well-established and loved clas- that is an atrocious name). This year mally be unacceptable in conven- to have been a figment of his imagi- sics. Modern re-workings are not to has already seen highly acclaimed tional ballet, from the homosexual nation to fill the emotional gaps in everyone’s tastes, but if you’re curi- performances of stark, modern, nature of the love story to the 21st his life, revisit him in the last scene, ous and don’t want to take yourself somewhat conceptual works by the century humour and social issues their rage ultimately depriving the out to Farringdon you can get a good San Francisco Ballet. that amused and thrilled the audi- lovers of their lives; the Prince is selection of DVDs of his ballets – you For more information on Sadlers ence throughout. found dead by his regretful mother needn’t leave home as you can order Wells, go to their website at www. The story revolves around a prince the next day. them via the internet. Or, if you are sadlerswells.com. Season pro- whose royal lifestyle has left him The set design and the costumes feeling energetic, you could go to grammes for the main stage with deep complexes about his self- were magical, but then again they is see performances of Bourne’s ballet and the subsidiary stages are worth and a craving for love. While rarely less than perfect on the West Something of a more traditional Highland Fling at the beginning of available there, as well as booking his mother, the Queen, indulges in End. What really sets this produc- take on Swan Lake, as presented March. information. the power and vanity that come with tion apart is the dancers’ graceful by the Moscow Ballet. Take note, Currently, Sadlers Wells is host- Paola Smith the job to have all pleasures at her ability to evoke very powerful emo- here the swan is female ing the Flamenco Festival London Arts Editor Felix 16 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

[email protected] Film Listings: page 11 Closer to perfection or perversion? Closer has been touted as one of the best movies of the year, with numerous nominations and awards. Vidula Vinayagamoorthy can’t really see why

Closer them from having a secret affair. in their own ways. At the end of Director Mike Nichols brings out the day, there isn’t a character that Director: Mike Nichols the four characters in Closer; based you can stand up for. The improper, Starring: Natalie Portman, Jude Law, on Patrick Marber’s 1997 London spiteful, predictable games played Julia Roberts, Clive Owen play. by Dan and Larry turn their girl- Length: 104 minutes The movie uses words as weap- friends to an increasingly depres- Certificate: 15 ons. Weapons of conquest for the sive state, even though this movie HHHII need of falling in love and weapons never loses its gloomy surface of that wound cruelly when they want sexual deception. Photographer Anna (Julia Roberts) out of love. This is an invitation of Yours truly saw Closer in a sold- meets Dan (Jude Law), an aspirant pure coldness at heart and the feel out theatre. As there were so many novelist at a photo shoot. However, of disgust for the fragile four-letter people, and as it has received such at that time, Dan is dating Alice word. Obviously, when words don’t praise, one would expect this to (Natalie Portman) and Anna has just work, sex is used as the ultimate come out from a divorce. As time weapon of mass destruction. goes by, Anna meets and marries It is an endless infliction of deceit “At the end of the dermatologist Larry (Clive Owen), and pain. Some may find this movie, you just feel and Dan and Alice are still dating. movie truthful or revealing. But This ‘minute’ problem of both Anna some may find the characters so depressed. It and Dan being ‘taken’ does not stop immoral, shallow, cruel and twisted is for the grieving heart” A cheeky glance be a great movie. The story starts off nicely, with the first line being and unbelievably hurtful (the truth The film tries so hard to be multi- “Hello, stranger”, and the theme of does hurt). It is put together with layered and meaningful, with char- relationships of strangers is carried short, melodramatic, quiet sentenc- acters begging for each other to be throughout the movie. Everyone es that signify the strength of mind completely honest with them and meets as strangers. and the weakness of the body. The talking about the nature of truth. Leaps in time keep the viewers opening music (Damien Rice – The But each one of them is so selfish confused for the first minute of each Blowers Daughter) will be stuck in and mean that it is hard to even jump. Why couldn’t there have been your head for ages. bother to care. “one year later” at the bottom of the It is based on ruthless, pitiless, If these are typical modern rela- screen? sad, sorry people cheating on each tionships then it is no wonder there After the first half of the movie, you other because they can and because are so many single people. For all just can’t help but wonder, why this it feels good. The boredom does its efforts to be refreshingly honest, obsession? At the end of the movie, catch on after a while into the movie. Closer just comes across as annoy- you do nothing but wonder, what’s After all, Closer is based on a stage ingly childish and cynical. Watching the point? Was there a punchline play and it must have worked in that this is like watching Eastenders somewhere that was missed? way. It would still be petty, sleazy with all the sleeping around. However, the dialogue in this film and disgusting, though it thinks it is At the end of the movie, you just has as a superior rhythm of smart, influential, outrageous and uncom- feel so depressed. It is for the griev- Golden Globes 2005 Best supporting actor winner Clive Owen (right) quick and witty lines. It is hilarious promising. ing heart. Stupidity and political incorrectness at its best

pets a chance to show that they can casualties include most of Egypt’s Team America: World Police save the world from 21st century ancient landmarks. Director: Trey Parker bad guys. The most scathing criticism Starring: Trey Parker, Matt Stone From the opening scene where is reserved for liberal Hollywood Length: 98 minutes the team “accidentally” destroy half actors and their well-intentioned Certificate: 15 of Paris through to the profound but misguided ventures into global HHHHH “dicks, pussy and assholes” speech, politics. Lead by the Film Actors this film was designed to offend eve- Guild (or FAG), they attempt to use Who remembers Thunderbirds? To ryone in equal measure, regardless their acting powers to stop Team recap, they were an elite squadron of their politics. The captions that America. They co-organise a world charged with the responsibility of position Paris and Cairo relative to peace conference with Kim Jong-Il, ensuring world security. However, their distance from America and the who turns out to be in cahoots with history will remember them more distance from the Panama Canal to the terrorists planning to blow up for the animation techniques that the “real” America provide an excel- most of the world. Naturally, Team brought them to life. lent geography lesson for slack- America save the day in the most Forty years on, with modern tech- jawed yokels, but all this hard work unorthodox manner possible. nology, it would be reasonable to would result them in being reward- The fecklessness of the UN is also assume that films where you could ed with seeing the mouthpiece of the spoofed. Hans Blix warns Kim Jong- see the cast’s strings as they move sanctimonious left, Michael Moore, Il that if he does not have access to were consigned to an era gone by. suicide-bomb the Mount Rushmore all his palaces then the UN will write Wrong! headquarters of the Team. him a letter saying that they are In their latest masterpiece, South Wanton destruction is a major ‘very, very mad’ at him. At this point Park creators Trey Parker and theme running through the film, Dr Blix becomes a snack for Kim Strong language, sexual references and sex, all involving puppets Matt Stone use their unique brand mocking the self-importance, insen- Jong-Il’s pet sharks with no hint of a of humour to lampoon the war on sitivity to other cultures and lack of James Bond style escape. one way or the other: either you’ll film is not for you and my advice terror. The film follows the elite empathy for non-US casualties of This film is a must see. The plot laugh to the point of explosion or fire would be stay at home and have a ‘Team America’, whose mission is to American foreign policy. In addition is ridiculous, the score obscene off letters to the production compa- cold shower in the hope that it might ensure that the world remains safe to the Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triamphe and the humour about as dark as it nies. If you are one of the sensitive thicken your skin. from the terrorists, giving the pup- and The Louvre, other structural comes. It will have an effect on you souls who is easily offended, this Stephen McAloon Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 17

FILM [email protected] It’s a knockout After Mystic River’s phenomen al success, Clint Eastwood returns with his 25th directorial of fering – another candidate for the Oscars, says Robin Wilkinson

Million Dollar Baby boxing; it is a film with boxing in it not train girls. Hilary Swank makes that delicately deals with themes of the film her own and is outstanding Director: Clint Eastwood morality, forgiveness, perseverance as Maggie – white trash who des- Starring: Clint Eastwood, Hilary and human relationships without perately wants to make something Swank, Morgan Freeman falling into the Hollywood trap of of herself through boxing and has Length: 132 minutes labouring the point to hammer the decided that Frankie is the trainer Certificate: 12A lessons home. The pace is steady, to get her there. The progression HHHHI but not dull, and the subtlety of the of their relationship from surly old film makes it a pleasure to watch man and over-eager wannabe to At 74, Clint Eastwood has certainly rather than the torture of sitting gruff but caring trainer and prom- earned the right to kick back and through a sermon. ising fighter is gently steered by take life easy. The fact that he’s If you have not yet seen the film Scrap (Freeman), a former fighter still active and involved in quality and don’t know much about it, my who helps out at Frankie’s gym. films is definitely the movie-going advice is don’t read any further. The supporting cast does not public’s gain. Avoid other reviews and the film As someone who does not like synopsis, and just go see it. films with violence just for the sake Eastwood gives his usual griz- “My advice is don’t of it, I would probably have avoided zled performance as Frankie Dunn, read any further. this one if it were not for the stel- a trainer who finally has a fighter lar cast – and I’m glad that I was with a chance at the championship Avoid other reviews swayed. This is not a film about title and is adamant that he does and the film synopsis and just go see it” The ugly stick beat on these two quite heavily

let this fantastic trio down: Jay dreams, progress. Little finish- for character development it was Baruchel (Danger, the gym’s ing touches are everywhere, such unnecessary, and was a jarring note dummy) steals every scene he is in as Maggie’s galloping into every because of its randomness. – praise indeed considering the com- fight with hedonistic enthusiasm, The action scenes are superb, but pany he is in – and Brian O’Byrne is Frankie’s small involuntary smile not for the squeamish. The choreog- the most ‘human’ Catholic priest when she wins her first fight, and raphy makes the fights absorbing, so I’ve ever seen, exasperated beyond Scrap’s satisfaction at making it to much so that I found myself twitch- patience at Frankie’s deliberate fight 110. ing along with Frankie (although needling, and refusing to take any The script is excellent, with the I resisted doing air punches) and crap. Maggie’s trailer park mother griping and bickering between smiling in relief whenever Maggie (Margo Martindale) has to be seen Frankie and Scrap the highlight. In won a fight. Frankie’s methods of to be believed. fact, it comes so naturally to them stemming the bleeding from cracked Eastwood’s direction is beautifully that it seems as if the scriptwrit- cheekbones and broken noses made done, with moody lighting and gritty er has documented Eastwood and me wince far more than the actual images of Frankie’s dingy gym mak- Freeman hanging out and having fighting. ing way for brighter and cleaner ‘grumpy old men’ conversations. This is a thought-provoking film, shots as the relationships between The only flaw was Frankie teach- thoroughly deserving of the awards Golden Globes 2005 Best director winner Clint Eastwood (far left) the characters, and Maggie’s ing himself Gaelic – as a device it has gathered. Scorsese’s best shot at an Oscar (again)

The Aviator Hughes’ innovations in engineering, commercial air travel may never Director: Martin Scorsese have become possible so quickly. Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate The film also looks at the rivalry Blanchett, Kate Beckinsale between Hughes’ airline TWA and Length: 170 minutes that of Pan-Am, which was owned Certificate: 12A by his rival Juan Trippe (Alex HHHHI Baldwin). Away from the glamour of Hughes’ They said that Kundun would be a playboy Hollywood lifestyle, masterpiece. It wasn’t. They said Scorsese does not flinch from look- that Bringing Back the Dead was ing at the darker side of the story his most powerful film since Taxi and Hughes’ inner demons, which Driver. But it was rubbish. They drove him to achieve, but were to said that Gangs of New York was eventually destroy him. Hughes suf- Martin Scorsese back at his very fered from a host of psychologi- best. They couldn’t be more wrong. cal neuroses, symptoms of which It was against this backdrop of included paranoia and obsessive disappointment after disappoint- hand-washing. His problems grew ment that I went to see Scorsese’s worse as he grew older, and the biopic of legendary aviator Howard film reflects this (although we are Hughes. spared seeing Hughes in his later The Aviator begins with Howard years when his condition turned Hughes (Leonardo Di Caprio), the him into a complete recluse). son of a wealthy Texan industri- Very rarely in American cinema alist, as director and producer in are American heroes presented in Hollywood, making some of the this way, and credit goes to Leonardo most influential and ground-break- Di Caprio whose surprisingly excel- Golden Globes 2005 Best dramatic actor Leonardo DiCaprio in The Aviator (Best dramatic film) ing movies of the 1930s. The film lent performance balances the bipo- covers his relationships with some lar nature of Hughes’ character to ical problem, Hughes faces another to Forrest Gump, is a promotion of Forrest Gump was an entirely fic- of the industry’s most beautiful Oscar-winning perfection. challenge, and so on and so forth. the American Dream. You leave the tional character and Howard Hughes divas such as Katherine Hepburn The film runs just shy of three You feel that the film is not actually cinema with the feeling “if Hughes lived and became the richest man in (Kate Blanchett) and Ava Gardner hours and this can be an issue. It getting anywhere. Thankfully, the could do it then I can do it”. If the world. The difference is that The (Kate Becksindale). just seemed to repeat itself over and superb cinematography, the trade- Howard Hughes or Forrest Gump Aviator is not purely an ode to the But Howard Hughes was much over again, the standard sequence mark Scorsese sweeping camera could change the course of history American dream, as Forrest Gump more than just a movie-maker. His being Hughes faced with challenge, movements and the lavish sets com- and overcome their respective chal- was, but a thoughtful and brilliantly most important legacy is to be found Hughes surmounts challenge ingen- pensate greatly for this fault. lenges then anyone can make it made reminiscence of America in in the aviation industry. Without iously, Hughes confronts psycholog- Above all The Aviator, similarly in America. The difference is that its heyday. Darius Nikbin The fashionable worldview that can't deliver 12.15 & 1.15 Wednesday 26th JanJan UDH, first floor, Union Building

Grill a Christian A panel of Christians take any questions about life, death, suffering, purpose, the universe, anything!

12.15 & 1.00 Friday 28th Jan LT2, Chem Eng, off the walkway

Organised by the Christian Union & supported by Imperial College Union [email protected] | www.su.ic.ac.uk/cu Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 19

FILM [email protected] Bollywood meets old England Haj Altt ahir sees director Mira Nair and star Reese Witherspoon fail to impress in the adaptation of Thackeray’s classic novel

Vanity Fair ined. Naturally, she treats him like and position she craves. It’s a great dirt. Aunt Matilda cuts off all social part for Reese Witherspoon, who Director: Mira Nair and financial ties with the newly- proved she could play a soulless and Starring: Reese Witherspoon, weds, forcing them to find other mesmerizing female as Tracy Flick, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Gabriel Byrne ways of financing Becky’s needs. the conniving high school student of Length: 141 minutes This starts off with gambling to pay 1999’s Election. She was chillingly Certificate: PG off the somewhat persistent bailiffs conniving in that film. If Witherspoon HHHII but eventually leads to Becky getting had tapped into Flick’s ruthlessness involved with a rather slimy Steyne we might have had something here. The new film version of the clas- (Gabriel Byrne), whose assistance It’s a huge disappointment, then, sic novel by William Makepeace comes at a higher cost than she that Witherspoon and the director Thackeray centres on Rebecca anticipated. have neutered Becky Sharp. Becky (Becky) Sharp, a shrewd woman If you haven’t read Thackeray’s has been changed into a shrewd, who rose through the ranks of somewhat misguided, essentially British society by playing men at “The result is a sympathetic heroine. She has been their own game. made lovable -- and a Vanity Fair Born into poverty and orphaned social satire without with a lovable Becky Sharp has no at a young age, Becky (Reese reason to exist. Witherspoon) resolves to infiltrate any bite, but don’t Witherspoon gets the accent and English society and fulfil dreams of the bearing reasonably right, but glamorous gowns and posh dinner- let that put you off” everything else is missing. Don’t dos. Becky can rely only on her wit, get me wrong here – I don’t think guile and sexuality as she makes Vanity Fair, and let’s be honest, this is her fault, she’s actually very her way up through London soci- most people here haven’t (includ- good but it’s difficult to condense ety. She leaves school with her best ing me), Mira Nair’s new film ver- a 900 page book into a two hour Reese Witherspoon as a strangely lovable Becky Sharp friend Amelia – a stupidly optimis- sion will probably pass as a reason- film. All the attention seems to have tic creature who was Thackeray’s able approximation with a pleasant been lavished on the lush settings ing Dobbin gets stranded with a the human complexities in her pre- parody of good-girl heroines – and enough ending. and perfect costumes, while details dreadful line towards the end of the vious film, Monsoon Wedding. Nair finds employment as governess to However, there is a problem: of character and plot development film after he decides to return from glosses over the intricacies of the the daughters of Sir Pitt Crawley Thackeray wasn’t interested in seem to have been overlooked. his trip to India. I can’t really explain story with sumptuous visual flour- whilst befriending Crawley’s mon- being pleasant. “I want to leave eve- Byrne (the slimeball) is particu- it but it is so shockingly bad that it’s ishes that might be expected after eybag dowager aunt Matilda, who rybody dissatisfied and unhappy at larly impressive, as is Eileen Atkins very funny. watching her last film, which was eventually invites her to London. the end of the story,” he once said as Aunt Matilda, who must have While Nair can’t be accused of truly gorgeous. Matilda is outraged when Becky about his cynical bestseller. had the best one liners of the whole delivering a conventional corset The result is a social satire without secretly marries her favourite and What the book has is a great anti- film. Although James Purefoy gives drama, fans of the novel will feel any bite, but don’t let that put you rather dashing nephew Rawdon heroine: Becky Sharp, the amoral, a good account of Becky’s dreamy the film is a rather cheap apprecia- off. It’s still worth seeing for the one – a soldier, a gambler, and as good two-faced social butterfly who climbs husband, the other suitors are less tion of Thackeray’s tale, particularly liners, the visuals and the extremely a match for Becky as can be imag- the ladder until she gets the money impressive. Rhys Ifans’ well-mean- given the skilful way she handled dashing Rawdon Crawley. Preview: Elektra Elektra comp Released: 21 January

Director: Rob Bowman Starring: Jennifer Garner, Terrance Stamp, Goran Visnjic, Kirsten Prout Length: 97 minutes Certificate: 12A

From the pages of Marvel Comics, creators of X-Men and Spiderman, comes Elektra. Shrouded in mystery. Tainted by tragedy. Trained to kill. Then left for dead. But for Elektra (Jennifer Garner), death was just the begin- ning. Now she’s back, with a venge- ance. Tourtured by her past and haunt- ed by her own mysterious death, Elektra finds herself resurrected. Although her sensei has trained her well in the strict discipline of ninjutsu, he cannot begin to tame her burning rage over the brutal murder of her parents. Elektra’s need to avenge this untenable crime forces her into exile. She becomes an assassin – the best in the KAPOW. HAI-YAH. BOSH business. But for a woman like Elektra, killing is no way to make finds something she did not even Directed by Rob Bowman (The X a living. know she was looking for: redemp- Files, Reign of Fire) and influenced As part of the build-up for the runners-up. To save herself, Elektra needs tion. by Asian-flavoured cinema, Elektra release of Elektra (21 January), All you need to do to win is be something more than a reason to Along the way, Elektra encounters has spectacular stunts, elektra-fying 20th Century Fox have generously one of the first to tell me: kill; she needs a reason to live. She an army of assailants with deadly martial arts sequences and one of provided you with the opportnity In what movie did Elektra first finds it in the form of her latest supernatural powers, from an assas- Hollwood’s most appealing actress- to win two goodie bags (contain- make her big screen debut? target Abby (Kirsten Prout), a feisty sin bearing tattoos with a life of their es taking centre stage as the beauti- ing a sleek armband, ladies’ T- Email your answer to film. 13-year-old in whom Elektra sees so own to a disease-spreading demon. ful and deadly assassin. shirt, smart key chain and single [email protected]. Usual Felix rules much of herself, and Abby’s father, Her only allies are her combat skills, Elektra is poised to be a killer at strap rucksack), as well as two apply. Alan Ng Mark (Goran Visnjic). In her despa- her sai and a limited ability to see the box office this year. Alan Ng t-shirts and two keychains for Film Editor rate struggle to save them, Elektra the future. Film Editor Felix 20 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

FILM [email protected] A diamond in the dust? Hollywood puts a new spin on American history

National Treasure Franklin Gates (Nicolas Cage) comes in. He is beginning the last Director: Jon Turteltaub stages of his family quest, which Starring: Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger, leads him to steal The Declaration Justin Bartha, Sean Bean, Jon Voight, of Independence which cleverly has Harvey Keitel the treasure map on the back of it. Length: 131 minutes Cage plays the lead with humour Certificate: PG and gives his character the dog- HHHII gedly determined nature and infi- nite intelligence that one would cer- What would you get if you threw tainly need in order to get from one together a wholesome family adven- ‘clue’ to the next, because there are ture with a big Hollywood name, an awful lot of clues. a fetching female sidekick and a The makers of this film seemed million references to the American to have tried to squeeze in as Declaration of Independence? That’s right! A nice little action- “Even to my packed Disney movie called National Treasure. Stick in super- uneducated mind, producer Jerry Bruckheimer and you have a recipe for box office I think there has success. National Treasure tells the story been just a little of one man’s quest for the ultimate prize – a treasure so wonderful that bit of artistic several generations of his family had spent their lives (and their fam- licence taken” ily fortune) in search of it. much American history as possi- According to legend, since the ble. Clues are everywhere – on the dawn of civilisation a hoard of Liberty Bell, the letters of Benjamin priceless objects has been build- Franklin, Wall Street and even the National Treasure: the first spin-off from the highly successful Dan Brown novel The Da Vinci Code ing, fought over by everyone includ- one hundred dollar bill. It is, there- ing the ancient Egyptians, Romans fore, just a little far fetched for them do anything to get his hands on the ence watching. the events that happened during and Greeks. This treasure had been to expect us to believe that the prize. Cameo appearances by two Cage and Kruger have a nice American’s emancipation from the passed down through the ages until American Founding Fathers had the Hollywood legends also help to add dynamic between them, as their British. But even to my uneducated it was discovered by the mysterious time and wit to devise such cryptic acting weight to this picture. characters start out with a relation- mind, I think there has been just a Templar Knights who decided that messages. The film is slightly jagged and ship of animosity that later leads little bit of artistic licence taken. it was too great to be possessed It is even more difficult to believe uneven, with the first hour made to mutual respect. There are many National Treasure has proven by any one person. Over time, the that one man could possibly follow up of a few action sequences and scenes spent lingering on the fact to be a big box office draw in the Knights became known as a secret this hopeless trail. But follow it he long periods of clue deciphering. that the Declaration is the most United States, but it seems a little society, the Free Masons, leading does, and he is not alone, accom- However, as the end draws near, all important document in history too patriotic to do very well here. I to the treasure being hidden during panied by his young sidekick, Riley things intellectual are left behind which is, of course, only Hollywood’s did enjoy the film, but only because the American war of Independence (Justin Bartha), and Abigail (Diane as chase sequences and shoot-outs interpretation of reality. Not know- of the enduring Indiana Jones feel by the US’s Founding Fathers. It Kruger). Sean Bean is also along dominate. There is not enough vio- ing that much about American his- to it. I would recommend it only to has been lost ever since. for the ride and is again typecast as lence to terrify little children but tory, I also could not dispute how those who appreciate this kind of This is where our hero Benjamin the villainous Englishman who will just enough to keep an older audi- the story has been woven with movie. Mandirassa Osakonor Veer-Zaara: a love legend

The past starts off with Veer, a Veer-Zaara the master of romantic movies. The rescue pilot. He meets a carefree story is moved across two nations Director: Yash Chopra and beautiful girl, Zaara, who came with different cultures. It isn’t just Starring: Shah Rukh Khan, Preity to India to fulfil her nanny’s dying a love legend, but a transformation Zinta, Rani Mukerji, Kirron Kher wish. Zaara is trapped, due to a bus of Veer. The audience is kept riveted Length: 193 minutes accident, and Veer saves her, which with twists that change the current Certificate: U leads to an unshakable bond that air of the movie. HHHHI eventually ties them up in uncondi- This is a simple tale of immense tional and irreversible love. Veer is nobility and idealism that may Director Yash Chopra brings us a mesmerised by Zaara’s beauty and strike some viewers as implausable. tale of love, courage and integrity. morals while Zaara is swept away by Modern day isn’t filled with demean- The aim of this movie was to over- Veer’s passion to help others and his our, speech, attitude and emotions pass the differences between Indian undying love for her. that bring out the human spirit. That and Pakistani people (again) through The story also includes the colour- doesn’t mean we can’t let ourselves a ‘forbidden’ love story between ful and merry set of Veer’s home be immersed into an idealistic love an Indian pilot, Veer Pratap Singh town Punjab, where Zaara meets tale. After all, when you add the (Shah Rukh Khan), and a Pakistani his uncle (cameo part for Amitabh amazing shades of emotions thrown girl, Zaara Hayaat (Preity Zinta). Bachchan) and aunt (Hema Malini), by Shah Rukh (including the won- Hence the title of the movie: Veer- his foster parents. This couple do derful facial expressions) with the Zaara. nothing but argue adorably during cheerful and down-to-earth acting Before going any further, the their scenes and you can’t just help of Preity and the overly-teary but author would like you to consid- smiling throughout their lines. This confident scenes of Rani Mukerji er the possibility of a rescue pilot gives a hint of comedy to the movie. to the utterly beautiful theme song, who sits in prison without speaking After this innocent visit of Zaara’s to this movie allows you to surrender to anyone for 22 years but upon India, Veer’s life is never the same to the romantic passion between meeting a young beautiful Pakistani as destiny has a different ‘ending’ to Veer and Zaara. It’s as simple as lawyer Saamiya Siddiqui (Rani their ‘happily ever after’. falling in love. Mukerji), who calls him by his name However, this movie does tend to The score, with lyrics by Javed Bollywood strikes again as opposed to his prison number, seem like a normal romantic love Akhtar and music composed by decides to speak. Not only does he story where boy meets girl: both the legendary late Madan Mohan, not get any more intimate. Putting However it does lack an innovative speak, he tells his whole past to fall in love, the parents resent it, comes with an outstanding quality together this music with colour- plot structure. her, which keeps the movie going therefore girl has to marry the guy of sound that reminds us how far ful dresses, beautiful scenery and This is a movie that will make you for three hours. So you would have chosen by her parents, then coura- Bollywood movie music has come. good choreography brings up a good laugh and cry. All in all, it’s an emo- to let your imagination run wild, geously, the man goes over to the The soundtrack takes you to places entertainment. tional film that certainly needs to suspend you sense of disbelief and girl’s house to win over the girl. where the heart dances and the soul In short, Veer Zaara is a movie be seen, if only because Shah Rukh belief in impossibly passionate love Though this film does have this sce- sings out in pure bliss. It’s a lovely that will appeal to nearly all who Khan is in it. between two people. Just a little. nario, there is a little surprise from feast for the ears. Movie music can- have imagination beyond realism. Vidula Vinayagamoorthy Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 21 Felix 22 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

Coffee Break [email protected] It’s the second proper week of Coffee Break, and already we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. But hey, at least we’re honest enough to admit it! Answers on the back of an email to [email protected] as always, please Odd ones out

This is a test of all-round general Here’s four B-Movie gems for you, days, but some parents don’t seem ten or exciting as James’ whimsi- knowledge, or guessing, as we like one of which we made up. to realise this and give their kids cal journey with some overgrown to call it. A. Boogie Jungle ridiculous monikers that they’ll just insects. Some are as badly written We’ve given you eight sets of B. Frankenhooker grow up to hate. Only one of these as this page. Here are four opening things, and in each set there’s one C. Stop it, you’re killing me! didn’t make the top fifty most popu- lines, all awful, but one has been out one out. You just have to tell us D. Cat-women of the Moon lar baby names in 2003. made up. which. If you don’t know, just guess! A. Archie B. Tyler A. ‘Why do nuts women always 3. TV Superstars C. Kurt D. Poppy have cats?’ 1. Metal Lyrics Apologies if you didn’t grow up B. ‘She popped the elastic at the Crappy Death Metal music, as well watching early nineties kids’ TV 6. Way To Go top of her second sock and pushed as being loud and annoying, is also shows on a Saturday morning, you’re Live fast, die young, leave a beauti- her sexually ambigous Timed watch famous for it’s over-elaborate lyri- just going to have to guess this one. Les Dawson: see question 3 ful corpse. It seems a great motto up along the blonde hair of her hand- cal wordplay. Here are four sets of These are absolute legends of TV. to live by, unless you happen to die some forearms’ lyrics, only one of which we’ve made A. Roy Castle – trumpet virtuoso, 4. Pointless Research wanking tied to a door, or some- C. ‘She stuck to his prime grade up. Tell us which one. Record Breaker, and all round good Millions of pounds are wasted every thing. That’s not so cool. The follow- A tush like shrink wrap to a rump A. ‘When suddenly there shone a egg. Sadly no longer with us. year at institutes across the world, ing are all genuine causes of death, roast’ hideous light and a voice like three B. Neil Buchanon – “This is an art finding the answers to questions apart from one, which is just a lie. D. ‘As the years had gone on, his insanities soared up in thistled attack! This is an art attack! This that nobody really cares about. Or at least we hope it is, you never elderly neighbour had become to speech’ is Art Attack!” Awesome. Also did Of course, that never happens at know. look more attractive’ B. ‘Oh, blackened dusk, eyes burn- my fave programme ever, Finders Imperial. One of these has been A. Attacked by swan ing; abandon me, forsaken one’ Keepers. made up. B. Fell off a building in a spitting 8. Wrestling Giants C. ‘This morning when I awoke C. Keith Chegwin – a man who A. If a tree falls in the forest, does contest Wrestling, truly the sport of kings. from the cushioned calls, eyes pour- would do seemingly anything for it make a sound? C. Took out the engine of a truck bizarre outfits, strange ‘special’ ing their little hearts’ his ‘art’. Once presented the most B. What is the formula for the whilst lying below moves and weird names, this homo- D. ‘Pulling out the poisoned fangs, disturbing programme ever shown most scary film possible? D. Ran over by commercial air- erotic display of obesity has shaped the venom never goes away’ on British TV, Naked Jungle, star- C. Why does toast always land the liner many people’s opinion of what a true ring his knob. wrong way around? man is. One of these ‘wrestlers’ isn’t 2. B-Movies D. Les Dawson – a legend of the D. When exactly is the 7. Opening lines real. Unlike the sport, which is. There are some god-awful films comedy circuit, it’s a little known Millennium? The last book I read was James and A. Giant Haystacks around these days, but then again, fact the Les began his career on the Giant Peach, so I’m not exactly B. Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake it’s always been like this. The titles kids’ TV show Dawson and the 5. Baby Names a literary expert. I’ve heard, though, C. Andre The Giant years ago were way more amusing. Donkeys. A name is for life, not just for birth- that not all books are as well-writ- D. Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor Beat the intro FUCWIT League This week’s quizzes are pretty straightforward, but there are lots of Okay, turn off Google and put down 10. “Ah, look at all the lonely peo- points available. Remember, there’s The Guiness Book of Hit Singles ple” 1 16 still time to catch up and win! – cheating is for tossers. 11. “Dirty old river, must you keep Odd Ones Out: There’s a point for Right, now that that’s out of the rolling” each correct answer here. way... 12. “Riding along in my automo- 2 17 Beat the Intro: And a point for The music section of pub quizzes bile” each answer here too. Artist and is always a favourite, but a little dif- 13. “I’ve got sunshine, on a cloudy 3 18 title for the point please. ficult to translate to the page. Plus, day” you lot cheat and just whack it in 14. “I tried to discover, a little FUCWIT LEAGUE Google or whatever. So, to make it something to make me sweeter” 4 19 hard, you just get one line this time, 15. “It’s a god-awful small affair to 2004-5 specifically the first one. Here’s a the girl with the mousy hair” bunch of famous opening song lines, 16. “I made it through the wilder- 5 20 you just have to tell us the name of ness” Smith & Wesson 170 points the song and who sang it. 17. “You know I – thug ‘em, fuck The difficulty ranges from piece- ‘em, love ‘em, leave ‘em” 6 21 Management Slackers 127 points of-piss to taking-the-piss, so don’t 18. “Under blue moon I saw you, so worry if you don’t know all the soon you’ll take me” 7 22 Team Willy J 93 points answers. Some of these songs are 19. “Well you’re dirty and sweet, new, some are old, some are good, clad in black, don’t look back, and I Araldite Sniffers 91 points and there’s some crap there too. love you” 8 23 We’ve tried to include some stuff 20. “I would like to leave this city, The Illegitimate Bionic Progeny of from most genres, so it’s not all this old town don’t smell to pretty” Jeremy Beadle 69 points indie shoe-gazing. Just try! That’s 21. “The change will do you good, I 9 24 unusually optomistic for us... always knew it would” Schoolboy Error 59 points 22. “There’s a lady who’s sure all 1. “Very superstitous, writing’s on that glitters is gold” 10 25 Team Robin 52 points the wall” 23. “All you people look at me like 2. “We’re caught in a trap” I’m a little girl” 11 26 Team Bulwer 42 points 3. “America... America... America, 24. “You spurn my natural emo- fuck yeah!” tions, you make me feel like dirt” Oliver Carson 29 points 4. “You will, you won’t” 25. “I wanna take a walk, rain 12 27 5. “I see a red door and I want it cloud, coat on” The Schist ones 21 points painted black” 26. “Shyness is nice, and shyness 6. “She was more like a beauty can stop you” 13 28 KPN2 11 points queen from a movie scene” 27. “Jumped in the river, and what 7. “Oh, my love, my darling” did I see?” Natasha Kundi 10 points 8. “I was dreaming while I wrote 28. “So I look in your direction” 14 29 this, forgive me if it goes astray” 29. “When routine bites hard and 9. “The race is on to get out of the ambitions are low” 15 30 Send in your entries to bottom, the top is high so your roots 30. “In the deserts of Sudan” [email protected] are forgotten” Felix Thursday 20 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 23

SPORT [email protected] Champagne hockey sees medics dominate

HOCKEY happy smiling faces all round Thirds, with everyone playing ey. There were runs, spins, like a pro with a deft finish forwards stole the ball, and at the end. What more could their best game this season. It and even passes. However, after some ping-pong action with a little bit of faffing Terry ICSM Men’s 3rd 3 you want? A close sporting might be down to pride, or the this domination didn’t lead in the goal-mouth. One-nil. slammed it straight into the St George’s Men’s 2nd0 contest? Done. fact that the team has played to goals. For all our attack- Despite trying to up our back of their net to make it It was a fantastic game. together virtually unchanged ing prowess, George’s man- game even further for the three-nil. Credit to George’s, By Tristan Lane Though ICSM dominated, all season. Personally I put it aged to put up an impressive rest of the half, wary of a who came back for more and often with eight or nine play- down to sheer freakish luck. defensive display and looked quick break, we couldn’t force didn’t let their heads drop. A crucial BUSA and ULU ers camped in the opposi- We started the game slight- to counter at every availa- a breakthrough and Rao was The last ten minutes allowed double header was contested tion half for minutes on end, ly apprehensive – rumour ble opportunity. Fortunately called upon to make some Terry some cracking hat-trick in the watery sunlight of a George’s would eventually had it that they had a South of our defensive boys were also cracking interventions. After avoidance, but by then it was beautiful Chiswick afternoon. release the pressure with a England ringer in their midst, playing like legends, just like half time it remained much already tied up. Or something equally poetic. classic Arsenal-inspired break but we managed to conquer the guys up front. the same – lots of pressure, This was frankly the best Classic sporting spirit that at the very least kept our that demon by spending Eventually, after many little breakthrough. Until sud- game of hockey that I’ve ever was on display from both goalkeeper Rao entertained the entire first five minutes chances flashed past the goal denly, from out of nowhere, played – fun, tiring and bloody sides, with the perfect level (he who complained at never camped in their half. This or straight to the keeper, the Terry slapped in a cheeky lit- good spirit. Exactly what’s of aggression shown. There doing anything). For the first initial domination settled the pressure paid off with Avi, tle number. Two-nil. needed on a Wednesday after- were no arguments more game after Christmas, it was team down and we started to newly promoted from defence Then, straight from the re- noon! And Rao didn’t even get than a couple of words, and a bravura display from the play some champagne hock- to wing, popping his cherry start, a bit of devilry from our sent off! Disc Doctors at indoor fun tournament

Continued from page 24 out of the window of the taxi from the first game. There Bears 3 were out for revenge statement. The game was Every team was given a bot- Mathias did a three pint chal- (without the taxi driver know- was much panting and and the team pulled no unbelievably tense as the tle of vodka to take home. lenge in about 41 seconds. ing, more impressively). One numerous dodgy discs from punches. It was everybody’s scores matched at 6–6. Bears Finally ranked 18 out of 20, The night finished and eve- player was so hung over that both teams. last game of the tournament, went ahead 7–6 with 30 sec- captain Stylish went up to col- ryone piled in the cab back to they had sent their brother DD did score early on, but and the final aim was to come onds to go and, despite their lect the Disc Doctors’ prized our tournament accommoda- to play the first match on they also had more chances out fighting. attempt, the Disc Doctors vodka. tion. their behalf. It did take the that they should have scored DD started off calm and col- just could not get the last With the spoon winners team a while to explain that from. The Bears were trying lected, scoring two points from point. This was a fantastic WAS, the plate winners The Next Morning he wasn’t allowed to push the hard but were often stopped two good passes to Mathias game, the best one of the Grizzlies and the final winners opposition whilst marking early by DD players for a followed by Stas. Sarah, Matt, tournament, just going to Vice (by only two points), the Everyone woke up at around them! quick turnover and endzone Mary and George played their show that in Ultimate you group decided it had been a eight and headed, hangovers attempt. hearts out, resisting the pres- should never give up, even if great weekend. Disc Doctors and all, by car to the sports Disc Doctors 4 sure from the cheering Bears the game doesn’t count for said their thanks to the hosts centre. Apparently, the WAS Bears 4 2 Bears 3 7 crowd. much. and picked up a much-needed team had three of their six Disc Doctors 6 With the score level at five With all games finished and Burger King, before taking players throw up before get- Let’s be blunt. We weren’t all, “slogging your guts out” the day over, all teams sat the train back to London in ting home, one of which was expecting too much energy After Saturday’s close game, would have been an under- down for the presentation. order to collapse!

Felix Crossword 1312 by Snufkin

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Across Down 1. Free guidance about time is giv- 1. Change order, cutting out 100 (4) 10 11 12 ing people ideas (9) 2. Lied about Arabic uprising to 7. Hayworth Heritage Centre (4) throw one off the track (6) In an interstellar burst, I’m back to 10. Buy and sell wood (4) 3. Monk heard film star’s account set another crossword. This one’s a 13 14 12. US maestro starts to manipulate (7) bit different from the usual, as you’ll an ancient zither – easy listen- 4. Help with a wager (4) have noticed. This type of puzzle 15 16 ing? (6) 5. Cricket match, one of four organ- is called ‘barred’ (as opposed to 13. Tarantino interrupts at frequent ized by communists (13) ‘blocked’). The most important fea- 17 18 19 20 intervals (7) 6. Greedy person has to get over ture of barred puzzles is that very 15. Volunteers’ theatre entertaining girl (6) few letters are left unchecked, i.e. upper-class twit (5) 7. Ersatz yo-yo regularly fetching without confirmation from another 21 16. Make a commoner count? (7) minuscule sum (5) answer. This has two tangible con- 17. Fresh lime is like a cold shower, 8. Dabbling duck has drink at lake sequences. The first is that they 22 23 for example (6) (4) often include more recondite words 20. Finished bowling (4) 9. Pollen and dust mites, perhaps, (eg 7 down), as the grids are harder 21. Bird’s hiding in hawthorn – it observed using new large lens to fill. The second is that their clues 24 25 26 hiccuped! (8) (9) can be easier to solve, as you can 22. Broadcast a clear, cute ‘baa’ in 11. Be base, as a succubus might? have fewer blanks. These two mili- 27 28 29 exam (13) (8) tate against each other, and I hope 24. Bishop and I have a go at being 14. Get round boat I’ve capsized (7) that here the balance is in favour of 30 31 32 33 pirates (8) 17. Particular officer (9) the second. Happy solving! 27. Dogs providing areas of research 18. Deathly horse carrying chaise Snufkin (4) (7) 34 29. Replace leader of heavenly host 19. Might different uric diet have Issue 1311 solution with English Marxist (6) such an effect? (8) S J D E R P A L E A M P G T S 35 36 30. Dot and Nora playing Twister 23. The Greek Spanish painter (2,5) L A M I N A V A S T E R I S K (7) 25. I’d made new crown (6) D N C N S R E L C L P O I U N 37 38 32. Heard Firth groan (5) 26. Droop after bottle of wine? (6) O U T S T R I P C A L U M N I 34. I study Buddhism outside as a 28. Nasty Squirrel Nutkin intensely T A R T I O A H E N I S S A E member of the community (7) disliked Eeyore, initially (5) G R E E N T E A N T A T A M I 35. Library member, one giving lec- 31. Two sorts of old margarine (4) S Y T I N C E A T I T A N I C tures (6) 32. Mostly crazy, mixed-up tyrant S T I N D I A N O C E A N R E Last week’s winners are ‘The Three Kings’, Physics and Maths I T S D I O N S D R E P B R M S 36. Historian of science is said to be (4) Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page down to the Felix office in O U T B I D C O L E A N D E R a bushy-tailed character (4) 33. Generous type (4) D M V A L E A M G X E O A D E the West Wing of Beit Quad. Each week, we’ll choose a winner and print their name, thus 37. Lost one’s sense of smell (4) F A B R I C R E M P O R I U M providing them with almost unlimited kudos and self-satisfaction. Everyone who provides 38. In which fat cats try to get the I T E E T E C G L I E M I S E us with a correct solution will get an entry into our prize draw at the end of the year cream? (4,5) S R I L A N K A A R E A G A N G A S Y E T E F R E N L E S T Felix 24 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 20 January 2005

Sport [email protected] Doctor Doctor, I feel like a frisbee...

ULTIMATE FRISBEE ended up travelling 100 miles Airwolf 9 from home in order to play Disc Doctors 5 Warwick Bears them! Indoor Tournament The fellow Londoners, who The crossover game of the were seeded second in group day, which could have pulled By Ian Ballantyne C, set the day’s standard DD out of the bottom group, by throwing a zone. It only was against the Ironman The Disc Doctors, Imperial took a single mistake from team (a team without substi- College’s Ultimate Frisbee DD for Angels to capitalise tutes), Airwolf. team, met at Euston Station and score. A change of tactics Unfortunately, DD were on to catch the 19.40 train to broke up the zone, allowing a bit of a low from the last two Coventry for a wild weekend Stas to score the first point games, but as the Ironmen at the Warwick Bears Fun for Disc Doctors. got worn down, DD got more Indoors Tournament. Although DD were 5–1 enthusiastic as more and At 19.35, the Disc Doctors down, they didn’t give up more chances came their (DD) guys were a little wor- the fight and kept up a great way. Play was aggressive but ried that George still wasn’t deal of pressure during the safe and even included the there. So, reluctantly, they 7th Angels’ point. The point odd ambitious throw. made their way to the Virgin lasted for a long time, wear- As DD came back, Stylish train. With 30 seconds left ing down both teams and threw an overhead pass with until departure, a rather calm causing Angels to throw away ten seconds on the clock, which George had hopped on and a lot of discs. was magnificently caught by started walking down the car- This was a tough first game, Matt right in the corner of the riage. His estimate of getting as was apparent from the The Disc Doctors: thankfully they were indoors this time endzone. Although they had across London in 40 minutes large number of people stag- been beaten, DD were still on a Friday at rush hour was gering off the pitch at the that the sidelines blended in sised by their third place Whiplash 12 pleased with their monster a little unrealistic! end. quite nicely with the blue col- seeding. Disc Doctors 2 comeback. Hats off to Airwolf, Finally at the destination our of the sports hall floor. On the pitch, they were bet- who looked truly knackered! on the Warwick campus, Disc Doctors 3 Determined not to step ter than on paper, making It was apparent from the DD headed straight for “the Bears 3 2 out for the third time in a scoring look like child’s play. previous game that the Disc The Party bar”. No really, that was the row, Munky stood in the end- The determined Disc Doctors Doctors didn’t have a fool- name! At least there was no The next game was against zone, reaching out to score picked up the pace, pushing proof plan to eliminate cheeky As the games finished, the confusion as to what kind Bears Thirds. Home support DD’s second. The tight to subdue the Red guys who overhead passes and, as Red whole team began to focus of things happened on the can become a little over- score elevated tension, and were always one step ahead. had picked up on this, so did on party aspect of the tour- premises. DD took a trip to whelming, but DD kept their the shouting on pitch was Just when it looked as Whiplash. nament. Being a fun tourna- the union where they ripped cool, gaining many of the immense, but this didn’t stop though one of Red’s better They sent direct passes to ment, everyone could let loose up the dance floor, showing turnovers by forcing Bears to the Doctors increasing their positioned players would their players in the corners and party to the early hours! the Warwick students how to make mistakes. score to three points. With get Stylish’s overhead, Stas of the endzone, who caught The guys went for plenty of dance, Doctors style! After It didn’t take the home side the seconds disappearing like reached that tiny bit further, them with minimal fuss. As food and drink to make up an hour or so of dancing and long to get their rhythm back, an open packet of crisps in beating his mark to score Whiplash went ahead, Disc for the energy exerted during drinks, the guys left to sleep scoring two points against the pub, Finnish and Stylish DD’s first point. Doctors struggled with the day. on a kitchen floor. Luxury! DD. But Imperial turned the thwarted the Bears’ last- In the last minute, observers organisation, allowing a few It was Boogie Nights at the Waking up only about four scoring around quicker than ditch overhead attempt. Disc watched as three overhead silly points to be scored. The union, with the DJ spinning hours later, DD headed over George W could rig the US Doctors had won the game, attempts were intercepted by lack of good cuts from DD up some classic disco/funk to the sports hall, there of election. and a very close one at that! players, one of which involved players made it a little hard for the masses. The place course to run around and play The pace picked up with Stylish admirably prising the for the DD handlers, but the was buzzing with more peo- some indoor Ultimate! all the players having to run Red 11 disc out of the air, sandwiched guys still managed to score ple than a night at LSE on a hard to keep up with their Disc Doctors 2 between two Red players. two points. Friday, but due to the tremen- Angels 7 marks. Doctors scored a point Both teams had a fantas- The game ended with Disc dous size of the union there Disc Doctors 1 and Munky caught two great Even before DD were on the tic game, which fortunately Doctors in need of medical was loads of space to sit and passes from Stylish, both of pitch, the Red team looked ended in time for everyone treatment caused by a good chill. Angels were a team from which were outside of the very experienced, a charac- to head over to “the bar” to whipping! Nevertheless it In ultimate style, Stas and Brixton, London, yet we blue lines! It really didn’t help teristic that was only empha- watch the football! was worth playing the team. Continued on page 23

Quick Crossword by Fishface

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Across Down 1. At the top of a car (7) 1. Fumes (5) 8. In the open air (7) 2. Indentation (5) 9. 180 degree rotation (1-4) 3. Woodwind instrument (4) 8 9 10. Repeat (4) 4. One who predicts your future (7,6) 11. European country (8) 5. Large fish (8) 13. Naughtily (13) 6. One, four, nine, sixteen... (7) Send your answers to 10 11 15. Doubtful (8) 7. Dream (7) 16. Incite (4) 12. Mathematical statements (8) [email protected] or bring this page to the Felix office in 12 20. Beggar (5) 13. On horseback (7) 21. Large ferocious cat (7) 14. Female voice (7) the West Wing of Beit Quad 13 14 22. Athletes (7) 17. Stage of development (5) 18. Travels (5) Issue 1311 solution 19. Thug (4) H E R T F O R D S H I R E E A V L U C A A E E I U N 15 16 17 18 R C S C R A P H E A P E T C I Y B I E P E U P R C E 19 U R N G P E E V E H O O R L S D P O S R R A N F E T E U R O P E G A R M A D A 20 21 P R O S U R S A L E N B I O H M U P U P P Y E I T N I N E C I L E I U Y T L M R U S E C R E T A R Y U E 22 O G A I A G C M R N A A N T O P O F T H E C H A R T