Dr. Harmony’s Kinky Glossary of Terms Common Terms

The terms that are in this basic glossary, is not comprehensive. This is a basic list of common terms used in the various Kinky Communities.

Number

24/7 A power exchange relationship in which the rituals, protocols and expectations from a negotiated contract are in place 24 hours a day 7 days a week in both public and private life.

A

Abrasion a) Using something rough (such as sandpaper) in BDSM play. b) Broken skin wound as a result of play

Adult Buffet A termed to describe a group sex party or orgy. Consenting adults choose have sex with any or all other participants. This term is primarily seen in the swing community.

Aftercare Following a BDSM scene or a kinky play session, both physical an emotional care is required for both participants. This activity is negotiated prior to the scene and may include anything from medical care, verbal processing, and soothing the both the D/M type and the s types in the activities.

Agamy A form of relationship anarchy, the practice of mindfully not engaging in marriage or reproduction.

Age Play This type of play refers to a specific type of D/s which focuses Usually referring to daddy/daughter or mommy/baby role play. Does not usually include or imply aspects of incest, but rather the nurturing relationship of parent/child or teacher/student. If the s type is younger than the age of potty training, that the term Infantilism is used.

Anal Torture The practice of inflicting consensual pain on the anus.

Androgyny A person appearing and/or identifying as neither male or female.

Animal Play D/s play Similar to Primal Play, however, in this activity, the players are expected to dress and behave like their totem animal.

Asexual This is a term to refer to a person who has minimal or no desire for sexual activity.

Auctioned off A BDSM activity where a D type auctions off their s type for temporary play.

B

BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadomasochism) a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.

Bear A gay or bisexual man who has extensive facial/body hair and a soft large body.

Bicurious Also known as heteroflexible and homoflexible, a person who identifies as gay or straight while showing some curiosity for a relationship or sexual activity with a person of a gender they do not usually engage with.

Bigamy This is a legal term that refers to someone who marries more than one spouse.

Bisexual Also known as Omnisexual or Pansexual, a term used to identify an individual who identifies as being sexually attracted to both genders.

Black Sheet Party A term used to refer to an orgy for people into BDSM sex.

Boi A person who was assigned female at birth who expresses or presents themselves in a masculine particularly boyish way.

Bondage In BDSM or Kink play, the acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom a. The s type or the receiver of physical sensation in a BDSM scene. b. In a gay male relationship, the partner who receives intercourse during sexual relationships.

Bottom Surgery Surgery on the genitals designed to create a body in harmony with a person's gender identity.

Breast Bondage In a BDSM scene, the act of tying breasts. This activity can be for sensation play, bondage play or decorative.

Breath Control This activity is also called Breath Play. During this activity, the Top is controlling the bottom's ability to breath.

Butt Plug A sex toy designed to be inserted into the anus. This devise is generally pear shaped with a flat base for safety.

C

Chastity a. A power exchange activity is also known as Orgasm Control, Erotic Sexual Denial or Orgasm Denial. The D type in the activity will tempt the s type and deny the s type the ability to orgasm. Often times, this can include chastity device. b. The non-participation in sexual activity. Cheating This term refers to any activity that violates the negotiated boundaries or agreements of that relationship.

Cisgender An individual who feels comfortable with the gender identity assigned to them at birth.

Closed Relationship Also called a Monogamous Relationship or an Exclusive Relationship, a term used to describe a relationship where there is no emotional intimacy or sexuality outside of the relationship.

Cock and Ball Torture Torture of the male genitals for sexual gratification. CBT Collared This is a term used when an s type is "owned" by a D type. This identification is often equated with marriage in this community.

Collaring The formal ritual and ceremony in the BDSM community that is equated to marriage. The D type formerly accepts the s type as his property.

Compersion This is a term used to describe the feeling of pleasure a person experiences when their partner is involved in another romantic or sexual relationship.

Consensual Non- A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will Consensuality be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. This is a common negotiated term for those who have rape fantasies.

Consent This term refers to the mutual agreement to the terms of a scene, sex or ongoing BDSM relationship.

Contract A verbal or written negotiated agreement between a D type and an s type. This agreement can include protocols, rituals, and relationships or play expectations and boundaries.

Cross-dressing A term referring to the activity of wearing clothing that conflicts with the traditional gender expression of your sex and gender identity.

Cuddle Party Also known as a Friction Party, a term used for a social gathering of adults which encourages consensual physical affection, such as cuddling, massage, and other forms of physical expression, but which forbids overt sexual activity or sexual stimulation.

Cupping An ancient medical procedure often used in holistic or alternative medicine in which an intense suction is created on the skin in order to promote bruising and increased blood flow to the area. This procedure is often use in BDSM in combination with Fire Play.

D

D/s This is an acronym referring to Dominance and submission. This is play or a relationship involving a consensual Power Exchange.

Demisexual A person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

DM This is an acronym for a Dungeon Monitor or Dungeon Master. This individual is trained security and safety officer charged with security and safety monitoring during Dungeon or Party Play. In Dungeon Etiquette, this is the only person who is allowed to interrupt a scene and only when he or she feel there is eminent danger involved. Note: training can include everything from CPR and self-defense to simple dungeon etiquette. They are often also participants in the BDSM lifestyle. A play participant should never assume there is advanced training among the DMs at their event.

Dom Also known as the Dominant or D type, this is the individual who exercises consensual power and control over an s type in a Power Exchange relationship. There are several types of Doms:

a. a Domme is a female D type. b. a Loving Dominant is a nurturing Dom whose primary focus is mentoring and guiding his s type with use if structure and discipline. This dominant is often seen in 1950's housewife and big and little dynamics. The s types that belong to this particular D type are often service oriented and the dominant gets his thrill from the growth and service of his s types and the s types often identify as a submissive rather than a slave. Submissive s types tend to have a more collaborative dynamic with their D types and primarily get their thrill from acts of service and making their Dom proud. Words of affirmation and acts of service tend to be the love language of both the s and D types in this dynamic. c. a Sadistic Dom is an individual who primarily enjoys inflicting pain. This pain can be both emotional and physical and primarily pairs with an s type that identifies as a slave. d. a Master is an individual who consensually takes complete control of their s type. The s type in this dynamic generally identifies as a slave and this power exchange dynamic is much less collaborative in nature. TPE or Total Power Exchange are generally an expectation with this D type. e. a Pro-Dom or Pro-Domme is a D type that charges money for BDSM play.

DON’T ASK, An acronym used to describe a relationship in which there is permission for a partner to explore outside of the relationship, however, DON’T TELL it is understood that the primary partner does not want any knowledge of the exploration and the other partners are not allowed to participate DADT in the life of the primary relationship.

Drag Queen A person who consciously performs “femininity,” usually in a show or theatre setting, presenting an exaggerated form of feminine expression.

Dungeon This is a term used to refer to a play space with equipment used in BDSM Play.

Dungeon This refers to the rules and regulations that are expected when participating in public play. There are a number of understood Etiquette expectations within the community but each community and public play space may also have additional rules. Please see Appendix F for further details.

E

Edge Play This is a form of Kinky or BDSM Play that involves a consensually agreed upon element of potential harm. This harm may be both physical and emotional. Due to the subjective nature of what is considered potential harm, very clear and concise negation is important. There is no current accepted list of what is considered to be edge play, however clinically the following items are considered to be in this category: a. Cutting b. Fire Play c. Gun Play d. Rough play such as take downs and consensual non- consent fantasy play e. Breath Play f. Blood Play g. Needle or Knife Play h. Interrogation play i. Play involving the insertion of dangerous objects into body cavities j. Play that involves permanent body modification k. Medical Play

Electro-Play The practice of using various types of electrical stimulation during BDSM play. TENS units, Violet Wands and Cattle Prods are examples of common devices used.

Erotic Sexual Denial See Chastity

Ethical Non-Monogamy Also coined Ethical Slut, this term refers to an individual who chooses to responsibly have more than one sexual and or romantic relationship at a time. The responsibility is based upon openness and honestly with all partners and respect of negotiated boundaries.

F

Fetish/ism An object or experience that provides a sexual stimulation.

Figging A form of Kinky Play of inserting a piece of ginger root or other similar food items into body cavities.

Fire Play In BDSM play, this is the use of fire to elicit stimulation. This play is often seen in the use of cupping in play.

Fisting This is the consensual insertion of the entire hand into the vagina or anus.

Fluid Bonding This term refers to the practice of the agreement of no barriers such as condoms or dental damns during sexual relations. In the world of polyamory, this is often a common practice in polyfidelous relationships and often is akin to a a marriage.

Friends With Benefits Also known as a Fuck Buddy (FWB), a relationship in which FWB two people establish a friendship that includes sex or sexual activity, but without a romantic relationship or the expectations of more than friendship.

FTM/MTF Acronyms for Female To Male, or Male To Female. These terms refer to an individual who has undergone medical treatments to change their gender.

Fursona The anthropomorphic identity that a furry adopts.

G

Gender Confirming Also called Gender Reassignment Surgery or Gender Surgery Corrective Surgery, a medical procedure(s) used to modify one's body to be more congruent with one's gender identity.

Gender Dysphoria Clinical tern used to describe the phenomenon of significant GD discomfort or distress caused by one's assigned sex and the desire to change the characteristics that are the source.

Gender Expression The gender in which a person expresses them-self.

Gender Identity The gender in which one identifies as, this may or may not be the gender in which they were born with.

Gender Normative The term used to when an individual, by nature or by choice, conforms to gender based expectations of their culture or society.

Gender Queer A term that refers to an individual whose gender identity is neither male nor female in short they are gender neutral. Genitotorture This is a term used to described torture of the vagina or penis and testicles in BDSM Play.

Golden Showers A term used to describe the act of urinating consensually on a partner during Kinky Play.

Good Pain/ Bad Pain These are terms used to describe uncomfortable sensations in BDSM Play. Good Pain is considered to be positive and consensual and is encouraged in the negotiated scene. Bad pain is considered to be non-consensual and can be harmful and destructive both mentally and physically.

Gun Play This refers to the consensual use of guns in BDSM Play.

H

Handfasting A Pagan or Wiccan commitment ceremony similar to marriage. It unites two people in a common bond, but does not have the same exception of monogamy or a lifelong commitment. Traditionally this ceremony lasts one year and a day.

Handkerchief Codes This is the use of a piece of fabric, bandana or handkerchief to identify what role they identify as (D or s type) and activities they like to participate in. There is some controversy as to what the various colors and placement mean.

Hard Limits What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable

Harem This is a gender-neutral term that refers to a group of s types who share a common D type.

Hogtie This is a term to refer to the act of restraining a partner's wrists and ankles together behind their back.

Hot Bi Babe Also call a Unicorn, A condescending term used to describe and an attractive bisexual available female. This is a rare and HBB desired mate for many swingers and polyamorous couples.

I

Impact play This is the term used for the BDSM and Kinky Play activity that involves impacting a part of the body. This is considered to be a part of Sensation Play and may involve the use body parts or various tools to create the impact.

Intentional Family This is a term used to refer to a family made up of people who have deliberately chosen to consider one another as family verses dictated traditional societal family associations of blood and marriage. Other terms also used to describe this form of family are: a. Cellular Family b. Chosen or Choice Family c. Poly Family d. Domestic Group e. Polycule

K

K-9 Role Play A form of D/s play that involves and Handler and a puppy.

Key Party This is a swing based party where all males participants place their keys into a bowl, then the female participants chooses a set from the bowl at random. The idea is that the female is then paired to the male belonging to the keys for sex.

Kinbaku/ Shibari The Japanese art of tying rope. This practice often uses multiple forms of thin rope and intricate patterns are made.

Knife Play Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives in order to illicit sensation. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.

L

Langdon Chart A chart that indicates a person’s current and past sexual partners.

Leather Community A kinky community that encompasses those who are into leather, sadomasochism, bondage and domination, uniform, cowboys, rubber, and other fetishes.

Leather House A term used to define and name a group of individuals who identify as both leather and a chosen family.

Life Partner Also known as a Domestic Partner, a term used to identify a lifelong committed relationship. This term is used often in the gay and poly community en lieu of traditional terms such as husband or wife.

Limits These are the boundaries, which an individual identifies of activities that they will not participate in. There are two kinds of limits:

a. Soft Limits are activities that an s type is interested in but has reservations about the participation. In some scene negotiations, the s type will give permission for the D type to explore these activities lightly and safety. b. Hard Limits are boundaries that are firm boundaries that are not up for exploration or negotiation.

Long Distance A relationship in which the people involved reside in Relationship completely different cities and often the distances are vast. LDR

M

Masochism The term referring to the enjoyment of receiving pain.

Masochist This term refers to an individual who receives pleasure, sexual or not, in the receiving of consensual emotional or physical pain.

Ménage á Trios A term used to describe a sexual event involving three people. Metamour An identifying term used to refer to the partner of one’s partner. There are a number of terms that are also used to refer to this role: a. Lover-In-Law b. Other Significant Other (OSO) c. Co-Husband d. Co-Wife e. Co-Partner or Co-Spouse f. Secondary Significant Other /SSO

Monogamy The practice of only having a single romantic and sexual relationship at a time.

Munch This term refers to a community event where those participating in the kinky community will gather at a neutral public location such as a restaurant. These meetings are social and educational in nature and do not involve play.

N

Needle Play This refers to the use of needles in BDSM Play.

New Relationship Energy The natural dopamine high an individual feels when they are first engaging in a new and exciting NRE relationship.

Nose Torture This is a BDSM torture activity involving the use of hooks in the nose. The origins are Japanese in nature.

NRE Junkie An individual who identifies as polyamorous but whose relationship patterns include multiple short-term romantic relationships that ends after the NRE wears off.

Nyotaimori This is an s type activity that involves the person acting as a human sushi platter.

O

Open Relationship A romantic relationship where both partners are able to explore sexual and/ or romantic interests outside of the primary relationship. OTK An acronym used to prefer to the position of over the knee for spanking and other forms of corporal punishment.

P

Pain Slut This refers to a masochist who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.

Paramour Also called a Significant Other/ SO, a term referring to an unmarried romantic partner.

Paraphilia The term used to refer to the pathological recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors generally involving non-human objects, the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one's partner, children, and non- consenting persons.

Pegging This term refers to the sexual practice in which a person penetrates a man’s anus with a strap-on dildo.

Pivot Also known as a Vee, this is a term used to describe a polyamorous relationship dynamic where a single person is involved with two partners who are not involved with each other.

Platonic Relationship A non-romantic friendship.

Play Party A party that involves BDSM scenes.

Polyamory The formal term used to identify the practice of maintaining multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all the people involved.

Polyfidelity A term referring to an agreement between polyamorous partners to no not have further sexual or romantic relationships outside of their polyamorous family.

Polyfuckery A derogatory term to describe a person who identifies as polyamorous while engaging in a large number of short lived non-emotionally intimate sexual relationships.

Polysaturated A term sued to describe someone who has reached their maximum capacity for romantic and/or sexual relationships.

Polywog A child in a polyamorous family.

Ponygirl or Ponyboy This is an s type that identifies, dresses and behaves like a pony.

Primal Play Also known as Animal Transformation Fantasy, this D/s fantasy state is where the focus is on developing an altered mind space of an animal. The adopted animal mind-set is often the totem animal of the individual at play.

Primary/ Secondary A polyamorous relationship structure in which a person has multiple partners who are not equal to one another in terms of interconnection. A primary generally signifies the relationship that takes priority.

Protocol A term used to describe a negotiated and enforce behavior or ritual in a BDSM relationship. Protocols may be high, medium or low based upon the rigidity of the boundaries and the environment in which the D/s is in.

Pup Play This is an s type that identifies, dresses and behaves like a puppy.

Q

Quad A polyamorous relationship involving four people, each of whom may or may not be sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members.

Queer An umbrella term which includes lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, trans* people, intersex persons, radical sex communities, and many other sexually trans communities.

R

Risk Aware Consensual A credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. This term is an alternative to Kink SSC.

RACK

Rape Fantasy, The power exchange activity that involves the fantasy of non-consensual sex. Ravishment

S

Sadism The term referring to the feeling of pleasure by inflicting emotional or physical pain.

Sadist The term referring to the person who receives pleasure by inflicting emotional or physical pain.

Safe Word This term is used to describe a word or phrase that is used to end an activity immediately.

Safe, Sane and A credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. This term is an alternative to Consensual RACK.

SSC

Sapiosexual A term used to describe someone who is sexually attracted to intelligent people.

Scat Play This word is used to refer to Kinky Play involving feces.

Scene This refers to the window in time and parameters in which BDSM or Kinky Play is occurring.

Sensation Play This refers to the Kinky Play in which the primary focus is using the 5 senses for the scene experience. Deprivation and application are both applied here.

Serial Monogamy Also termed cyclic monogamy, a relationship pattern in which a person has only one sexual or romantic partner at a time but has multiple sexual or romantic partners in a lifetime.

Sexual Identity A term to describe how a person identifies physically: female, male, both or neither.

Squishy A term to describe a term sued to describe an intense feeling of platonic attraction and appreciation toward a particular person. Sub Drop/Top Drop This is the emotional and physical experience a participant may have following Kinky or BDSM Play. This is generally a result of the coming down from the Dopamine high of the play. Often this experience can lead to depression and flu like symptoms. Aftercare negotiation often addresses the prevention or care of this condition.

Sub Space/ Top Space This term is used to describe the Dopamine rush that an individual experiences during participation in a BDSM scene or Kinky Play.

Submissive This term is used to describe the s type in a Power Exchange Relationship. A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment. There are several kinds of s types: a. a slave is a person who consensually gives up complete power over themselves to a D type. They are generally paired with Master D types. TPE or Total Power Exchange is often seen with this type of dynamic. b. a submissive is an s type that gives a negotiated amount of power to a D type. They are generally very service oriented.

Swinger A person who participates in swinging activities. a. a hard swinger is someone who will have complete sexual intercourse with others outside of their primary relationship. b. a soft swinger is someone who has strict boundaries on the type of sexual activity that they will participate in.

Swinging Also termed Sport Sex, the practice of having multiple sexual partners outside of an existing romantic relationship.

Switch This refers to an individual who desires to be both an s type and a D type depending on the particular partner(s) and actives involved with play.

T Tantra A Indian form of sexual expression or activity that emphasizes spiritual connection, and holds that sex is a sacred act that can bring those who engage in it to a higher spiritual plane. Emphasis is placed upon mindfulness and being in the moment verses the goal of orgasm.

The Next Generation The acronym used to describe a particular subculture in the BDSM community. The boundaries of this group generally TNG are referring to either those under the age of 30 or people who are new to the Kinky communities.

Tit/Breast Torture The Kinky or BDSM activity of consensually causing deliberate physical pain to the breasts and nipples.

Top a) The individual directing and controlling the BDSM scene or applying the experience in Kinky Play. b) The person penetrating the "bottom" in a homosexual male sexual dynamic.

Top Surgery A term used to refer to a gender correcting medical procedure which involves the breast. This procedure may include either a breast augmentation or a mastectomy/breast reduction.

Topping from the This is a derogatory term used to describe an s type attempting to behave like a D type non-consensually. This Bottom often looks like criticism or violation of expectations set in previously negotiated behaviors.

Total Power Exchange A D/s relationship where the D type has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making all or the TPE majority of decisions.

Training This term is used to describe the education and training that a D type gives an s type.

Transgender Also known as a Transsexual, an individual who identifies with a gender other than that the gender they were assigned at birth.

Triad Also known as a Delta or Trouple, a polyamorous dynamic where there people are all romantically involved with one another.

V

Vanilla A term used for someone who does not participate in Kinky or BDSM Play activities. Someone who is not into BDSM or sexual activity outside of societal norms. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense. Veto A negotiated agreement between partners in an open relationship where their partner has the ability to ask or prevent them from exploring a relationship or sexual for which do not approve.

W

What It Is That We Do An acronym used to refer to all forms of alternative sexuality. WIITWD

Wax Play A Kinky or BDSM Play activity that involves the use of wax in the play

Z

ZIE A proposed gender-neutral pronoun meaning “he” or “she.”

ZIR A proposed gender-neutral pronoun meaning “him” or “her.”