EMERALD ISLE ZONE. GUN TALK Editorial Frivilous Letters to Royals Ask Alice Patrick McGuire Alice Blackwell HM The Queen Whoever came up with November has not Noordeinde Palace Dear Alice, been impressing me lately. Our second issue is Postbus 30412 I have a really annoying friend (I the result of stressed out individuals in stress- The Netherlands won’t mention her name, but let’s ing weather dealing with essays, tests, and mid- just say that she is a major contribu- terms while trying to submit horroscopes & their Your Majesty, tor to this column) with whom I prank letters to the international monarchies can’t spend more than a few hours. in time to make this work. So thank youz all. I have never been to Holland (isn’t that The problem is, I don’t want to weird?) but have always wanted to go, NOT spend time with her, but I If you picked up this paper last time, you’ll no- and have heard that it is a beautiful also can’t stand the sound of her tice that we’ve modified everything just a bit. country. I also know that you have G**damn nasally voice! It makes For one, there’s more space in between columns spent some time in Canada during the me want to commit a murder-suicide spread out across our four new pages for you Second World War. I want to know, every time I hear it. How can I to draw domestic dragons battling emperors if you had to compare them, would spend time with my friend without gone totally insane during your classes at Vic. you rather be the Queen of Canada, killing her, and thereby killing this column? or the Queen of the Netherlands? I Want to Kill Alice There is a common presence of new and de- veloping faces in this issue. Whether it be mu- If I had my choice, I would be Dear I Want to Kill Alice, nicipal and architectural, as the symphony of Queen of Canada, for obvious rea- Oh my God Matt, how come you never told condo construction continues up and down sons. I mean, first of all, I live here, me that my voice was nasally? Had you done Charles Street, or silent and nerdy, as youtube not in the Netherlands. But also, it so, I would have, like….done nothing. There’s collects every moving image ever captured with seems that on the whole, Canada not much you can do to fix such an obnoxious a camera lens to hold comedians accountable has contributed more to the inter- malady, besides very expensive vocal chord for their massive racist outbursts. It’s cropped national scene than Holland has. surgery. But I’m only guessing. So unless you up in most of the writing here by accident. We have Shania Twain, and Wayne want to pay for the procedure, suck it bitch. Gretzky; you have some film mak- Alice Waking up to see your desk split in half and er who got killed by the terrorists. your roommate bloody & battered starts to Alice has been missing for 45 days. Please form the same type of psychological, anx- By the way, what are you going to do “Ask Alice” where she is via her private e- ious tension inside the curious self as a new, about those terrorists running around mail address, [email protected]. and supposedly attractive, female professor in your country? If I were you, I would waiting on the top floor of some undiscov- act fast, because a certain neighbour ered office tower. That same worried and to my south has a policy of pre-empt- Staff anxious nauseau you feel anytime you think ing places that let them run amok. about Vic shrouded in millionaire condos or Editor Patrick McGuire Well, that is all, Your Majesty, and when you yell racial slurs into a microphone Visual Editor Michael Deforge at your next stand-up gig only to see the flash- I hope to hear from you soon. ing red LED of a recording cell phone camera. Publisher Thom Drance I remain Your Majesty’s humble Publicity Eli Otto Shenk Anyway, thanks again to the contributors for servant, Contributors Chris Berube making this interesting again, The Gargoyle Alice Blackwell for their continued support (both overtly in Matt McGeachy Samantha Butler print and by being a consistently good paper, ?one time mashup issue?), and everyone who John Establillo reads and supports The Wa. See you in 2007. Shona Fenwick Kevin Gridley SUBMIT TO THE WA Joe Howell Want to write for The Wa? Send us Ryan MacLean your art reviews, opinion editori- Matt McGeachy als, short writing/poetry, original Marcel Ramagnano knock knock jokes... whatever. Any- Front Cover Capcom thing goes before January 28th. That hottie is the Queen of Back Cover Michael Deforge Address = [email protected] the Netherlands. Layout Patrick McGuire NAKED SAMUS COVERED IN CHOCOLATE SWEET TALK The Chocolate Secrets of Ryan MacLean Exclusive: Nintendo Wii Feature How the Ugly Get Laid Ryan MacLean Lenny Chan Joe Howell Apparently the world’s supply of chocolate only has an- Since there’s been a lot of hype sur- So you have a terrible band. Un- other fourty years to go. By then we’ll be retiring; so, go rounding the latest Nintendo Wii plat- fortunately, however, your terrible nuts while you still can, and later we’ll recline and muse form, you’re probably wondering if it’s name isn’t going to cut it in the about the good ol’ days… When we had chocolate. Make worth the $279 price-tag. Luckily, we’ve oversaturated market of poorly your way to Sugar Mountain, Tutti Frutti and some health had an advanced prototype of the con- written, performed, and recorded food and corner stores to check out these masterpiece’s: sole since September 2005, and we’re fi- music. What you need is a truly, nally able to provide a point by point run wretchedly, memorably awful band ZERO down of all its various pros and cons. name if you want to compete with Perhaps the most underrated of mainstream chocolate all the other talentless hacks out bars. It’s everywhere, but you haven’t bought it because it -Pro: Console now self-aware there. It’s your lucky day – I’m says ‘cool’ in a disconcerting 80s font and also describes givin’ ‘em away! Try one of these, itself as cool-filled. So what the hell? Well, there’s noth- -Pro: Built-in abacus and prepare to be a media darling: ing minty about this bar, it’s just a truffle-like filling, and it’s pretty amazing. The dark chocolate variety is grand. -Pro: Game characters able to move back- -Hard Rock Life wards as well as forwards -Whores In Around - My Hot Parole Officer -Con: Hits on girlfriend when you’re not -Rocktopus (it’ll help if you’re an in the room eight-piece) -Hold Me Closer Tony Danza -Pro: Marzipan controllers (first album title: You’re the Boss of my Heart) -Con: Low alcohol tolerance -Street Value -Cock Blockers Anonymous (first -Con: Runs on tobacco leaves; makes liv- album title: Cock Blockin’ Beats) Green and Blacks -License Tequila This bar is made in Italy and is readily available in ing room smell like cigarettes - chEmo theRapy (for sad hip the UK. Here, you mostly have to go to natural food hoppers) stores (think Baldwin/Kensington). It simply puts -Pro: Wii remote equipped with motion -Bastard Catalyst Lindt and Cote D’Or to shame. Their dark choco- sensing technology, ability to grow hair -David Hasselhoff ’s Electric Boo- late (and diary-free!) varieties include: candied-gin- galoo (first album title: Hooked ger, caramel centred, mint, and maya gold (fair trade -Pro: All games now equipped with On More Than a Feeling) spiced orange). The plain dark chocolate is rich with- “naked Samus” cheat - The Post Modern Pirates out being too intense. Make no mistake: unlike Lindt, -The Smokeables you aren’t getting the thinnest possible bar under the -Pro: Doesn’t use Spiderman 3 font -The Pyronymphokleptomaniacs! guise of being ‘what quality bars do’. These are thick, - We Break Into Song Because We worth every penny, and worth rationing over the week. -Con: Covered in scorpions Lost The Damn Key -Sorry About Your Rug You’re now on your way to super- stardom! Sold out basements, re- views in bi-weekly student papers, and indie kids dropping your name Bounty like it’s hot or something. With ap- Like ZERO, Bounty’s underrated. Coconut and choc- pellations like these, musical abil- olate’s a genius marriage. But when I found out there ity is just a suggestion. Best of all, was a dark chocolate variety I lost it. And, when I went I’m not even looking for royalties to a milkshake bar that mixed flavours from most every or anything. Just toss me a spare chocolate bar available, their dark Bounty blew minds The Ying-Yang Twins Playing Wii. groupie or three and we’ll call and was among their most popular drinks. Try it out. it even. See you at the Cat’s Eye! The two-bar format, like Twix, is perfect for sharing. the wa page three Music, Literature, Film, Video GAmes , DISASTERS, And Live Shows. ART REVIEW Various Artists- Plague Songs (4AD) Clipse-Hell Hath No Fury Bloc Party-A Weekend in the City Michael Deforge Patrick McGuire Thom Drance Each song on this album is based on one of Clipse’s sophomore album Hell Hath No A Weekend in the City can best be described the ten plagues from the book of Exodus, Fury has been held back for four years by as a 45 minutes crystallization of why we’ve so I have to give Plague Songs credit for their record company Jive, the same label stopped listening to indie rock.