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WEEKLY WORLD Coke mmhti h ML SgwVley fldimfs T raiioadm tolas ami sudden growth ^> April 3,1996 $1.09/$513 CANADA 13p U.K. ond devo 5lo ling rompogef Ml &.». - I fc&*fc 'CofflS f/Ofl'f (rusfi buildings and kill 1000s of people- people do' I Upyssey code! ...say top Coke officials "I ALWAYS KNEW he had a big head - but this is ridiculous!" cries fleeing by-stander. 0'"12345 67890'"5 Noted folk- singer Gordon UBC RAPID RESPONSE! Lighthouse was Sea Monster swallowed by a A new group of campus. The crazed serial giant sea mon­ By HANK SLOCOMB para-military campus killer didn't help much, ei­ ster near his Swallows Weekly World Nubyssey security guards has ther." Boyle added that the waterfront descended on UBC's group puts "a new face on home on Lake campus security and Storm Erie yesterday. Lighthouse! campus and commandeered the popu­ the Wall." According to lar "Storm the Wall" intramural sports According to Boyle, this the Dept of facility for training. group of well-trained kill­ Fisheries and Oceans' Erich von Daniken, Groups of slack-jawed onlookers slouched on a ers will help provide a who is studying the giant reptiles dubbed nearby grassy knoll yesterday watching members of "personal protective en­ affectionately as 'Nessies', attacks by the the new "Rapid Response Team" go through a two hour tourage" for controversial monsters are becoming more numerous in session of storming UBC President David response to attempts by Canadian a modified wall, Strangway. folksingers to communicate with them complete with ra­ AMS representatives en­ through music. zor wire and sniper thusiastically voiced their pits. approval of these security Lance Boyle, the measures. "A great leap sergeant of the new forward for campus secu­ security group says rity," quipped AMS Presi­ SURREY - Ernst Pinkelstrudel, of Sur­ at the Fraser Institute that the team "has dent David Borins. by crane! "The guys been organized in But underneath the ju­ rey BC weighs in at a whopping 8000 at the Institute think response to in­ bilant signals of approval it's a real hoot!" creased worries by is a dark and turbulent un­ pounds! That makes him the fattest man Chuckled Pinkel­ faculty and stu­ dercurrent. An unidenti­ strudel. "I mean, we dents about safety fied source told the in the world. Noted Pinkelstrudel jocu­ got some real big and security on Weekly World Nubyssey guys working down that members of the new larly, "It takes a whole cattle car fulla there, eh? Like, the SARGENT LANCE BOYLE security group were re­ elevator breaks down cruited through ads in the __ —....v. Loi iuiia elevator breaks down poses for a photograph with beef just to keep me frequently. But so his well trained killers. Canadian edition of "Sol­ dier of Fortune" maga­ going for one week." far, I'm the only one zine. The super tubby is who requires a spe- so big he has to be cial hoist just to get Some students and loaded into his office to work everyday." professors have been 1 quick to label the new guards, who carry ba­ WmRSlTY MLL-mOMD LANDS liGfiTllillfly STL) DAPRICU./ wcnv^ .... tons and pistols, as Dr. HerbertKronzeuker, phenomenon of phos "paramilitary goons" By MARTIN ZWINGtl tions raise awareness, but post doctoral researcher phorescence." who will present a se­ W'ccL'lii World X'ubiisscu we're not raising awareness of Botany at UBC is rec- The university is hop- curity problem and not of these corporations, oh ommending the use of lu- ing the doctor's glowing a solution. .elligence op- no," said a kulture Yam­ minescent condoms. 'belles lettres' will catch mer who refused to state Other students claim day that the kulture his name. "Names and "Just think what it'll do on. "This is precisely the they have witnessed logos are fellow conspira­ for safe sex," the good sort of research and de- the guards engaging in Yammers have contami­ doctor commented. "Now velopment the Univer- nated the campus with a tors in the corporate con­ bizarre and brutal haz­ spiracy." he said. women don't have to ask sity has been trying to ing rituals, involving special radioactive paint their partner if they've encourage for years!" ob- head-shaving, bond­ comprised of equal parts Contacts in the Engi­ put it on yet, because served David Strangway, age, feces-smearing yogurt, raspberry pre­ neering Undergraduate they'll be able to see for president of the Univer- and urinating. serves, and pure, unadul­ Society hinted that the — " sity'-:«-w>sc UnarBoard of GoveGoverr- terated Big Mac special Kulture Yammers may themselves. Boyle scoffed at make a bigger splash The kinky glow-m-me nors. "these drop-outs and "The University stands than ever in the near fu­ dark prophylactics are malcontents" who ture. "Uh-huh, yeah, we to make a lot of money have misgivings confirm which of these was perfectly sate, Uf- from the sale of lumines­ the most dangerous sub­ got this big tank full of about the group's ac­ stance, but they solemnly Coke, eh' But for them, Kronzeui^v.x cent prophylactic de- tivities. With regard "They use the same - *~a in these hard warned campus residents we might mix some Pepsi "They use the same cent proyi^m, to the seemingly that glue licked off the back in too." chemical principal used vices. And in these hard brutal hazing rituals, of Coke stickers was a sus­ for millions of years by pressed times, with all he said "the guys are pected ingredient in the so- fireflies, glowworms and the cutbacks in funding, just letting off called special sauce. those tiny marine ani- well, we need all the help steam. After all, A lever, ever give your these are contact guys "We're trying to raise 1 y wallet to a stranger. mals responsible for the we can getT^^^^^^ awareness of how corpora­ who like to hit-and get hit". Even if he asks nicely. Beating the odds since 1918 volume Education Minister warns of Harris-style BC by Janet Winters you believe Gordon CampbeL Under a Liberal government really does wear plaid shirts," BC would face spending cuts Ramsey told The Ubyssey in an twice as harsh as those in interview following his noon Ontario, Minister of Education, hour speech in the SUB. Skills and Training Paul Ramsey According to Ramsey, the BC charged last week. government currently spends Ramsey says the budget cuts $12 billion out of its $20 billion proposed by Liberal leader budget on health and education. Gordon Campbell are twice "You can't cut $3 billion out of those per capita of Ontario's that $20 billion pie without Mike Harris government. affecting health and education," Campbell's BC would "make he said. "It does not add up." Mike Harris' Ontario look like a The minister would not stroll through Stanley Park," commit to extending the tuition Ramsey said, urging students to freeze. He did say he wants to reject this kind of "brutal keep education affordable restraint" in the next election. without raising taxes, and The new minister was at UBC boasted BC was the only last Wednesday to promote his province to increase college and government's recent one-year university enrollment last year. PAUL RAMSEY lambasts BC Liberal leader Cordon Campbell at UBC last Wednesday. RICHARD LAM PHOTO tuition freeze promise and to take Campbell says the Liberals are shots at the Liberals. equally committed to accessible Campbell said, blaming provided there is no economic [Ramsey] has made a Describing the negative post secondary education. Ontario's fiscal problems on the growth. commitment to a long term impact of spending cuts on "We will not be cutting money former NDP government's He says the Liberal cuts would strategy," Borins said. "I think students in Ontario, Ramsey out of education," Campbell told spending policies. be made in part by reducing the the cuts Gordon Campbell is argued Campbell's pledge to cut The Ubyssey, calling the cost of Campbell said he was not number of provincial ministries to proposing are unrealistic." provincial spending by $3 billion tuition "a hurdle to advance­ sure whether his planned twelve—promising to reveal which AMS Coordinator of External and lower corporate taxes would ment." spending cuts were, in fact, ministries would be affected Affairs Allison Dunnett was less do even more damage. He defended the Liberals' twice those in Ontario. He did before the provincial election. enthusiastic. "I would not let "If you believe the Liberals plans to cut spending against say the Liberals were still AMS President David Borins myself be too optimistic about can cut $3 billion out of Ramsey's attacks. committed to lowering income says he finds Ramsey more anybody," Dunnett said. "What government spending and not "I think Mike Harris is trying taxes and to cutting $3 billion "believable" than the current [Ramsey] is actually going to do, affect health and education, then to clean up an enormous mess," over the next four years opposition. "I'm really happy you never know." Calendar in limbo after "negative" ad debacle by Matt Thompson up at least $20,000 of the policy on advertising, however, now considering following accepting paid advertising is A squabble over advertising calendar's anticipated $30,000 and Klawe says the incident with UBC's lead; SFU will begin "ridiculous." means students will have to wait ad revenue, according to BCIT may prompt the university advertising in its timetables next "You're bombarded with until April 10 to get their copy of Assistant Registrar Angela to develop a more consistent set year, and Kwantlen will soon advertising everywhere you go," UBC's 1996-97 calendar.

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