A NEWSLETTER FOR BEREAVED PARENTS AND THEIR FAMILIES JULY 2015 ISSUE EDITOR: LYNN VINES (310) 530-3214 e-mail: [email protected]

OUR NEXT MEETING will be July 1st, the first Wednesday of the month at 7:00 P.M. "This newsletter is sponsored by an anonymous family in LOCATION: memory of our children". The Neighborhood Church 415 Paseo Del Mar Palos Verdes Estates, CA 90274 (South of Torrance Beach)

DIRECTIONS: Pacific Coast Hwy. to Palos Verdes Blvd. º Palos Verdes Blvd. becomes Palos Verdes Drive West. Veer Right. º Go to Via Corta (stop sign just past Malaga Cove Plaza). Turn right. º Go down hill to Arroyo (stop sign). Turn right. º Continue down hill to end of street. º Turn left on Paseo Del Mar. º Meetings are held at the west end of the church. --Please remember to park in the church parking lot and not on the street.–

The Compassionate Friends Mission Statement... The July 1st meeting will start with “Anger and Grief”. When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless For a free Picture Button of your child, call Ken at (310) and isolated. The Compassionate Friends 544-6690. provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing TCF Lunch Group meets for lunch at Mimi’s Café every the death of a son or a daughter, a brother Friday at 1:00. (Crenshaw and PCH). All members are or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps invited. others better assist the grieving family.

South Bay/LA Chapter of TCF Chapter Leader: The National Office of TCF P.O. Box 11171 Linda Zelik P.O. Box 3696 Torrance, CA 90510-1171 (310) 370-1645 Oakbrook, IL 60522-3696 (310) 963-4646 [email protected] Toll free (877) 969-0010 www.tcfsbla.org http://www.compassionatefriends.org Page 2 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015

We will begin the July 1st topic with Anger and big ANGER, with no specific direction. "It's not Grief and then move on to other issues. Whether fair!" But things not being fair did not stop the we want to admit it or not, anger is one of the most anger. When I realized this, I became aware I was common and secretive elements of grief... so much taking my anger out in a diversionary channel. so, that we may deny that we are angry rather than People who had hurt me, sometimes many face the fact. We need to examine our raw feelings years ago, and injustices I had suffered, all of pain and see how guilt and anger go hand in surfaced, often with great clarity and detail, and hand. We've all felt overwhelmed with feelings of my anger became directed toward those people. anger and/or guilt over the death of our children... A justifiable anger, after all because I had been the unfairness of it all... the “woulda, coulda, hurt, and it was more comfortable to live with that shoulda’s haunt us. We need to find a safe way to than the more non-specific anger. Perhaps you express the anger and get rid of the guilt - neither can identify with this diversionary anger, too? are healthy, but both are common in bereaved How do we deal with this anger? It is most parents. This month, we will be sharing ways that important to allow it to be. You are angry, very help us overcome these feelings. We invite you to angry because your child is dead, and it is not share how you are dealing with anger and grief in fair! Your faith hasn't seemed to help, and your own mourning process. As always, you are people have said stupid things. Visitors have never required to speak; listening and learning how stopped coming. It is okay to be angry about all others cope with these overwhelming feelings will of this. It is normal, and other bereaved parents help you in your grief. feel the same way. Realizing I was normal and that my feelings A Struggle With Anger and diverted anger were shared by others, helped me to keep balanced. I had a very supportive Some time after we have lost a child, friend who listened when I ranted and raved over we struggle with anger. Initially it may not be there imagined and real hurts. Being able to express and we may even have a sense of smugness that those feelings often dissipated much of their force. we don't feel angry, that we've risen above it. I I could picture in my mind Jonathon, who had died know, I've felt this way. Some may never feel at age 21, smiling and saying, "Let it go Mum, life angry, but for others, like myself, it can be very is too short." For him it was too short. difficult to cope with. Because of him, I am choosing to let the anger The anger can take many forms. Anger at God go. I have read many times in The (Why does He allow any parent to experience this Compassionate Friends' newsletter to be gentle pain?) If we don't allow ourselves to be angry at with myself. Now, as time goes by, I'm learning God (I may need Him), then we take it out on other to be gentle with others, too. Jonathon would be people. They did not help enough or they did not pleased with the progress I'm making. call or visit, we think. There is a smoldering ache --Margaret Baird, Kingston, Jamaica that sees neglect and uncaring silence. Or, we become very angry at some stupid remark someone Anger has made. "You are lucky he did not suffer." I am not lucky at all, my son is dead! I get so angry, I think I'll explode; Sometimes our anger is directed at the person Someone call or come over to share who died, some circumstances more fertile ground the load. than others for anger. Sometimes it is toward other I want to go out in the backyard and scream grieving parents, perhaps specifically for supposed Someone please tell me it's all a bad dream. neglect. (Why weren't you watching her more I need to slam all the doors really loud carefully?) Often, the anger is against ourselves, for I know this would not make Mark proud. not doing what we feel we should have done. At He loved me for my soft spoken style, times it is less specific (Why am I not coping better? So I won't slam doors, I'll cry for awhile. or Why am I not over it yet?). For many parents, Anger is an emotion I don't handle well. there is the third party at whom the anger is I feel guilt at first then I say, 'What the hell?" directed: the murderer, the drunken driver, or Anger is normal, so the experts say. medical personnel. If not, God will forgive me tonight when I pray. In many cases there is an overwhelming great, --Kathy Hinkley TCF, Birmingham, NY The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 Page 3

Expectations parent goes through it two-fold, because you grieve for your child who lost their child, and you Expectations play a large role in our grief. grieve for the precious grandchild whom you lost Certainly, expecting to feel better and to not always also. I don't know if you've ever lost a child or hurt is helpful, but other expectations can be hurtful. grandchild, I sure pray that you haven't and never Some of these are the expectations we have of have to go through that. those around us—our friends and relatives. Until I got on this sharing line, I always We "expect" them to listen to us talk about our assumed that preachers, priest, rabbi's and the child and our path. We "expect" them to be other men of God would know all about these sensitive and aware that we are hurting more on a things, since you all do funerals, help the families particular day or date. We "expect" that they will and in your case, deal with the insurance's of understand our mood swings. We "expect" and we these people who have lost a child. But on this "expect," and when they don't understand or provide sharing line, I've discovered that a lot of them what we need, we are angry and hurt. know nothing about it because they have never We need to remind ourselves over and over, experienced it themselves. However, with this that others do not know how to help us. They are sharing group we learn many things and the best not being cruel, uncaring or indifferent. They simply thing we learn is that what we, as grieving do not know what to say or do. Therefore, the parents/grandparents feel is very normal and that responsibility to let them know of our needs lies with NONE of us need walk alone. us. To eliminate the hurt we feel from others, we Some of us walk with our Savior, some of us must let go of our expectations of them. We can blame Him. Some of us don't know what, where only be hurt if we allow ourselves to be hurt by or who to turn to, so we close ourselves off from something that was done or said (or not done or the living and suffer in silence. We wear many said) in ignorance. Remember, we ourselves did faces in public, even when deep inside we're a not know of bereaved parents' needs before our total wreck and we sometimes can not see any child died. There will be times we must simply say, light at the end of the darkness we have been "He or she doesn't know," or we might ask thrust into. ourselves, "how important is it that that person is not Now Reverend, I would never try to tell you supportive?" that you know nothing about how we feel, because It is up to us to protect ourselves from any more I could not possibly know what you have been hurt than we already have. If we stop expecting through yourself. All I am saying is that, "If more what others may not or cannot give, we can stop men of God, would read some of these letters, some of the unnecessary hurt. they too would learn a great deal about how to --From Expectations by Margaret Gerner, TCF, St. help grieving parents." So, I'm sending this to you Louis, MO in hopes that you will read it and find out what "We at TCF Atlanta" are all about, and will know more The following article is long but has many good points. One of about what you can tell those parents you meet our members used it when she turned her anger into that ask you where to go or who to talk to, that something positive in memory of her granddaughter. She sent really need some support from those of us who a copy of it many years ago to enlighten her pastor, who was have been there and know what they will be going grateful for the information. The article itself, points out many through. of the commonalities we go through after our loss. As you know, I am only three years down this road of grief, and I have so much further to go Letter to Clergy before my end of time. But "I know that I do not have to walk this road alone." Dear Reverend ______, I'm also sending a copy of this letter to TCF I'm sending you a letter from the TCF Online Atlanta, so they can post it in their next sharing Sharing letter that I get in my e-mail. It really gets to letter. Maybe some of the parents/grandparents the point of what a grieving parent can expect. will share TCF with their pastors or what ever Unless a person has lost a child, people have no religion they happen to be.... or not to be. idea what grieving parents really go through. Of Will you please say a prayer for Kami and me, course grief is different for everyone, and there IS as Vickie's birthday and death day are coming in NO "Right or Wrong" way to grieve. I haven't lost a the next two weeks and we could sure use prayers child, but to me it feels as though I have. A grand- at this time. Page 4 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015

Thank you, and may God continue blessing us never could have done otherwise. I praise that all. Your Friend, Wanda Bryant, Tarrytown, GA shock because it keeps us from dying too. That In Memory of My Granddaughter, Victoria King shock allows some of us to carry on with grace 04/17/1998 ~ 04/11/1999 and skill during the days surrounding the death and the funeral. That same shock knocks some of (Article Sent to Pastor) us into merciful oblivion and we don't remember a thing during that time. We are all individuals and In the Beginning.... we react differently during grief, but there are common reactions we all share. This is why you Your child has died. As a newly bereaved will find very quickly that the only one who really parent you have experienced the most devastating understands what you are going through is life-changing event. Your whole world has been another bereaved parent. shattered and you are in a new world now. You will Anger, another stage, may come at any time. be relearning how to survive when at times you It is a very natural, normal reaction; don't be afraid won't even want to survive. The only hope I can or ashamed of it. Know it is okay, you won't give you is that we in The Compassionate Friends always feel this way, there is nothing wrong with have survived and we are here to help you. It won't you for feeling this way - most of us feel some be easy but keep in mind, if you hadn't loved so anger toward something, someone, even at God, much you wouldn't hurt so much now. even the child in some instances. You have been "How long will it last?" is probably the first hurt beyond your wildest imaginings. I have question we hear from ones like you new to grief. It described my own anger as rage. Society frowns is a very important question to us at the beginning. on anger so don't expect always to be treated Professionals have managed to place timetables kindly when you display it, but remember you have based on their studies and you will hear "two years" a right to be angry. Anger is often unfocused and quoted, but those of us who have been the road a we sometimes take it out on innocent people. number of years will tell you that you will not "get Medical personnel are often the first to receive this over" the death of your children in two years. You anger and funeral directors are next in line. Later, probably never will "get over" his or her death, but that anger can attack anyone who crosses our you will learn to live with the fact of it and rejoin life paths. It is good to recognize anger and try to and lead a normal life again; it will just be different focus it, learn to use it as a tool. Take up social from before. issues, find healthy outlets for it. It is important to There is no timetable on grief. Some work do something physical about anger. Hard work through the process sooner than others. We and sports are ways, and we've heard many operate on our individual timetable; we cannot judge stories of chopping wood, breaking dishes bought our progress or lack of it by anyone else. at garage sales and breaking them when we need Grief is a process, a moving through. an outlet. Scream in the shower, in your speed Sometimes we go forward, but sometimes boat or closed up in your car, but get it out. Anger backward, and sometimes we get "stuck" for a turned inwards becomes depression. while, but keep in mind it is a process and With the death of our child everything we ever eventually you will move through it. Within this believed in is shattered. In my own case I had to process there are "stages". We're told those stages struggle for a long time to even figure out what I are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and did believe in; I was so confused. Our egos, our acceptance. They don't necessarily come in that beliefs in ourselves, were badly shaken because, order. as parents, we truly believed we could protect our Most of us do experience shock and denial or child from anything. We were careful, good disbelief first. We can't believe it has happened! parents, and now our child is dead. WE HAVE There must be a mistake! This happens to other FAILED TO KEEP OUR CHILD ALIVE and our people...not us! That shock is so tremendous that it ego tells us we are a failure! This devastates us; affects us physically as well as psychologically. It is we can no longer believe in ourselves; we feel that marked by a lowering of blood pressure, coldness of obviously we are incapable of doing anything right the skin, rapid heartbeat and an acute sense of We have no self-confidence, no longer any self- terror. That shock insulates us and allows us to go esteem: These are all natural, normal responses through our duties and do things at this time that we to the horror of your child's death. Given time and care these feelings will pass. We will achieve a The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 Page 5 balance in our personal life again. inside... many and sundry are our complaints, Remind yourself to be patient, to be kind to most of which are normal and to be expected in yourself. You are not a failure, you did the very best this time of enormous stress and always we ask you could, and you would surely have given your ourselves and others, “Why?” “Why me?” “Why own life to save your child's. You did not fail; life my child?” Simply because life isn't always fair, my just isn't always fair. These feelings, and others as friend.... bizarre, may cause you to think you are going crazy. Your world is topsy-turvy now, nothing makes Ask any bereaved parent of some years and they sense, nothing fits....family balance is upset, the will all tell you they thought the same thing at some numbers are all wrong, there is one empty chair at time. You are a changed person now, you will never the table now, so you choke on your food and again be the same as you were before your child think of the empty chair. Grocery shopping is a died. Someday you will accept that fact: Out of the nightmare because your child's favorite food ashes of grief you can grow, if and when you greets you from the shelves of every aisle; you choose to do so. Look around you to the other don't dare think of holidays because you know bereaved parents; you will find role models and you'll never survive them without your child. Your hope in them. There will be many tears, allow them, child's birthday and the memory of all the joy of they are healing and necessary to survival and that day looms like a mountain far too high to recovery. climb....some days all you want is for the pain to Many of us suffer from the lack of ability to stop. Some days you just can't get out of bed. concentrate. It is a common complaint. We can't Some days you work hard and fast like something think, we can't remember from one minute till the has possessed you. Every day you cry. You find next and we have no idea what we've read when we you are very lonely even in the midst of a crowded finish a page. Be patient…given time and some shopping mall. You want to scream at the busy, effort you will return to normal. happy people, “Don't you know my child is dead? Hang on to any shred of your sense of humor How can they go on as if nothing has happened?” that you can, even a small chuckle now and then No matter how many people you are with, you are can break your tension and give some relief. It may lonely. be a while in coming but one day you will laugh Compassionate Friends understand: each one again. I know you can't believe it now but you will. of us has had a least one child die. We know what You will have a strong need to talk. You will find you are going through. We don't pretend to have that you can talk more than one person can listen, all the answers, but we want to share this time of so seek out several good friends who will let you talk your life with you. We want you to know you are to them. You will find some at the Compassionate not alone. Friends meetings. You will need to tell your child's --Fay Harden TCF Tuscaloosa, AL story over and over again. You will need to talk about the whole life and death and what you are Be Good To Yourself This Summer going through now. Talking is therapeutic. Talk and talk, and talk, until your story is told. Whether you are grieving or not, it is wise to At night you may go over the events again and get away and recreate yourself. When you are again and again, night after night. This is called grieving, it is even more important to relax and obsessional review. Sleep disturbances are not take time to be good to yourself. Grief work takes unusual. We either can't sleep or sleep too much. an amazing amount of physical, emotional and We suffer guilt real and imagined. We recall spiritual energy. The following are some random punishments and in turn punish ourselves with them thoughts, which we hope you will find helpful. when at the time the punishment was probably fair. ) Get outside as often as possible even if only We go through the "if onlys." If only we had or into the backyard. The warmth of the sun, soft hadn't.... Beware of isolation. We need to be with breezes against your skin, the scent of grass and people, not alone. When we isolate ourselves with flowers and the chirping of birds all fill your senses no one to talk to about our feelings, we become and help to make you feel better and more alive. depressed: and isolation plus depression equals ) Read a good book. Light reading helps to suicidal feelings and that spells real trouble. take your mind off grief. We are fatigued, lack motivation, we suffer ) Exercise. Exercise helps to work off anger, numerous physical complaints, headaches, stomach frustration and depression. Search out local parks disorders, we are either nervous or feel dead Page 6 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 and nature trails —even walk around your own To Sink or Swim .... block. Brisk walking, bike riding and swimming are all great ways to reduce tension. Be sure to observe To sink or swim are not the safety rules and if you can, invite a friend, family only alternatives in life. Many survive - just by members or another grieving person to join you. FLOATING. There were many times after my son ) Try to visit places where there is water. died that I did feel as though I was sinking below Watching water and hearing it lap against the shore the waves of grief and I was just too exhausted to is soothing. As the waves recede, try to envision try and swim to the other side of that lake of pain. your grief receding; bringing peace and comfort. It was at those times that I just simply FLOATED. ) Spend some time alone. Possibly go for a By floating, it may have taken me longer to reach drive and observe pleasant surroundings—or roll up the shore than it would if I had tried to swim; the window and yell and scream and vent your besides, the shore seemed just so far away that I anger. Or go somewhere comfortable where you wouldn't have made it by swimming anyway. But can just sit and reflect. by just floating along with the current, I did not sink ) Plan a vacation that will be a peaceful, restful and the other side is getting closer all the time. time. Don't try to do too much. Try to take a respite --Verna Smith TCF, Ft. Worth, TX from your grief work, knowing that, undoubtedly there will be more grief work waiting for you when My Perspective On Coping With Suicide you return home. Sometimes it's easier if we can put the grief work aside for a bit, and when we come In the years since that tragic event, I'm still back to it, we see it in a different light. ) implementing and acquiring coping skills. I'd like Attend a support group meeting. Groups keep to share some of what I've learned with the hope regular schedules all summer. The newly bereaved that something I write will be helpful to those who will gain helpful ideas on coping. For those who may be struggling with suicide's aftermath. Every have been bereaved a longer time and who have emotion and feeling is normal - grief, anger, guilt, not attended in a while, go back to visit your support sadness, confusion. The decision to end your and lend a hand to the newly bereaved. loved one's life was not yours. It was not your Above all, hold on to HOPE! fault. You could not have prevented the death. --Adapted from THE HOPE LINE newsletter for The You can't stay by someone's side twenty-four Bereaved, Inc. hours a day, every day to prevent him from taking Thanks to POMC, Orange Co. July Newsletter his life. Most of my friends and family did not want to 4th of July talk with me about Will's suicide. I have two theories about this: 1) They know this is a painful As our country celebrates Independence Day we subject for me. 2) It reminds them of their own are reminded of a nation which stood through many mortality. a crisis, which refused to give up or in, and today I was able to express my feelings and talk stands tall and strong because of her convictions. about it at survivor support groups and with my As Americans, we know the truth in the motto — "No therapists. Posttraumatic stress experienced after gain without pain". Those of us who are not newly the suicide must be dealt with. It is unhealthy to bereaved know that this motto also applies to our deny or rationalize it's effect on your life. If living suffering, for many of us have found a deeper one day at a time is too overwhelming, take one appreciation of life through our tragic experience. hour at a time. At times I focused on getting Priorities have also been rearranged for we have through five minute periods. Be patient... healing learned what things are most important. is a life long process. It did not come easy, my friend, but with the The road to recovery is rough and steep, not courage and determination that being an American smooth and steady. Expect to take steps forward has taught us. So, my newly bereaved friends, and then slide backwards. Some days will be stand tall and do not give up. You can claim YOUR easier than others. I try to channel my emotional "Independence" from grief, too. upset into constructive activities. My healthy --TCF Camden County, NJ Newsletter outlets are aerobic dancing, riding a merry-go- round and going to the beach where I obtain spiritual rejuvenation of my soul. When I'm at the The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 Page 7 ocean, I meditate and communicate with my Higher I know he is safe, and I know he is well and Power. I try to go somewhere other than my he cannot be touched by pain. hometown on the weekend anniversary of Will's And there's sweetness in knowing my arms death. I don't like Sundays! will be filled, I'll hold him and touch him again. By accepting the fact that I could not bring Will For I know where he is and I know that he waits back, and I would have to live with partial answers to with a hug and a smile and a kiss my questions, I've finally made peace with the And the place where he is, is far gentler with him; woulds, coulds, shoulds, whys and if onlys that it's a world that's much better than this constantly tormented my life. But our earth is much sweeter because he was Suicides are not wrapped up in neat packages. here and in the nights of sorrow and tears They leave many loose ends, I believe one's only I am grateful because he was my little child salvation is acceptance. Time can be an ally. For and I had him for those short years. me, the more time that elapsed, the more the –TCF South Texas Chapter newsletter emotional intensity of the trauma diminished. I discovered that pain and loss are inevitable in life, Newly Bereaved... but misery is an option. In working through the healing process after the tragedy of suicide, I have emerged as an infinitely more understanding, The Grief Gremlin empathetic and compassionate person. When I'm the most depressed, I offer my help to someone who The toothbrush holder, the laundry basket, the needs it, or I do something nice for somebody. The magazine rack, a kitchen shelf - each of these is kindness I give to another nourishes me and lifts my such an ordinary, simple part of any home. Yet, spirits. That's a gift that I really give to myself. each can be so completely associated with grief as Joan Rivers once said, "You have to let grief to cause our chests to heave deep sobs with just break your heart so that the light can get through". one glance. That seems obvious to all of us There is light at the end of that long tunnel. survivors, but to the outside world, that first Reaching that light is worth every painful step. You sentence must appear to border on insanity, don’t are understood and, in my heart, loved. you think? --Corky David, Sylmar, California Let’s take a look at them, one by one. Who Bereavement Magazine Sept/Oct 1996, (adapted) can forget walking into the bathroom for the first time after death has visited your home and seeing one toothbrush that won’t be used again? It My Son doesn’t seem important to those not trying to survive a loss, but just the sight of a never-to-be- The air that I breathe is no longer blessed used-again toothbrush is akin to a body blow. Oh, with the magic of his sweet breath. how it hurts! Is it possible that it was being used His eyes that sparkled and danced and shone are only yesterday? closed in the stillness of death. Maybe your laundry basket was always full, The earth he once walked is not quite as rich; he and load after load of clothes were washed and took with him treasures untold; dried, keeping you plenty busy. Suddenly, you And arms that once cradled and loved him look in there and without your son or daughter, it so much are empty without him to hold. seems nearly empty. Just the sign of that basket For a child with the promise of plenty of time seems to scream out "She’s gone! No cheerleader there were dreams of a future so bright; uniform to clean; no soccer shirt to coat with Spray But the sands fell too fast and the daytime of joy ’n Wash, no grumbling to be heard if the socks got turned soon to the darkness of night. mixed up or one is missing. Or maybe you’ve not His dreams became ashes born on the wind always emptied the basket but focused on doing of the storm that stole him one day; the essentials first. Suddenly, with less wash, you And the spark of life that he once held so dear was notice your son’s football socks lurking in the brutally taken away. bottom of the hamper. Oh, to have the opportunity But the heart that he left me, though battered and to wash them for Friday’s game; to see him worn is lightened with thoughts of him; proudly running onto the field in his uniform! And memories are a beacon of light when A magazine rack seems non-threatening, the joy in my heart becomes dim. doesn’t it? Why in the world would that be Page 8 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 associated with instant grief? Maybe you don’t -shelter them that they may never know my dig down into it very often but just keep piling on pain. the latest issues. At some point, you mindlessly -help them to help me know that her life was curb the overflow by weeding through the old not in vain. issues. Suddenly, there it is: his Golf Digest; her -help them to remember, Lord, that I wish Teddy Bear catalogue; his Cruise Travel. Oh! It that she was here. literally sucks the air out of your lungs. -to understand that I still feel her near Nobody ever said grief would be so personal, so -to see beyond my smile and the words, every day, so vicious to attack in such unexpected "I'm okay." ways! Please God, just let one remember Those kitchen shelves appear innocent at first it was just five years ago today. glance, too. But then, the summer heat is replaced --Nancy Brubaker TCF, Bradenton, FL. by fall’s nip in the air, and a hot mug of cider would be just right. So you reach up and, oh! There’s her Helpful Hint... mug. The Precious Moments winter scene she loved to show off at work, or his favorite row of free Taking a vacation without your child with you Credit Union mugs that you tried to retire to the can seem overwhelming. One family came up with Goodwill box, but he insisted were vital to life itself! an unique idea of including their departed child on Ugh. It’s that blow to the heart again. And you their yearly vacation. First, they start by writing a think, but all I wanted was a cup of cider, and I end short note describing how their daughter loved up with a box of Kleenex? How? flowers and sharing the beauty of them with others. It’s the Grief Gremlin. He shows up when least By attaching it to a packet of flower seeds and expected. He seems to have an internal clock that leaving them where someone else was sure to find tells him to avoid holidays, birthdays, anniversaries it, they felt they were sharing a part of their child – those days when we would expect to be zapped with someone else. Now on each vacation they by grief reminders. The Grief Gremlin puts in his look forward to finding the perfect place to "plant" appearance when we’re going about our daily their gift to another, in their child's memory. routines, when we finally have a grip on the start of --TCF National conference sharing session another day and think we might survive a few more hours of it; when someone has cracked a joke, and we actually chuckled just a little. Then, wham! Book In Review... Without warning, he jumps us and suddenly turns an ordinary minute into a gut-wrenching memory The Death Of A Child: Reflections For Grieving moment instead. It isn’t easy when he appears, is Parents. In "The Death of a Child: Reflections for it? Grieving Parents", Elaine Stillwell offers you her I think the hardest part is that we can’t get ready hand. Reach out and grab it if you are a bereaved for him! We try to plan ahead for hard holidays, but parent or anyone who has suffered a loss. Her when the Grief Gremlin shows up, powerful book will be a catalyst in your recovery. we can never be prepared. The loss of a child is the most terrifying of all --Reprinted with permission from Bereavement human experiences. I know because my two Magazine, www.bereavementmag.com. oldest sons became angels eleven years ago at ages eighteen and fifteen. I remember feeling like I was standing at the edge of something much too For Friends and Family... deep. I felt completely alone in a darkness heretofore unimaginable. How I wish this book Five Years Ago Today had been available back then. Thankfully I met Elaine Stillwell five months afterwards and we Please God, make them remember that it was five began our lifelong friendship. years ago today. "The Death of a Child" is the most masterfully -make them understand that the memories don't written book on the loss of a child ever published. go away. Hope resounds on every page. The bereaved will -bless them, with ears to hear and hearts that see themselves mirrored in Elaine's description of care. her grief journey. Read her book and you will -enable them to listen while I share. know you are not alone. The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 Page 9

Other fellow travelers have gone before you. But deep down inside, I know what’s right, Elaine's book focuses on positive action. Grief is not And I cover up emotions every time we fight, passive. As Elaine says, "We can't walk around I know how mad you are at the things I do, grief; we have to walk through it." Most of us are ill And how you want to help but I just ignore you, prepared to do this, but having Elaine's grief How you want to spend time with me and I just say guidebook can pave the way. She discusses “no,” support groups, journaling, reading, music, physical Then I leave and sometimes don’t even come activity, nature, pets and reinvestment. Reading home, what others have done can be an inspiration for I know all this builds up inside of you, each of us to get out from under the covers. And makes you feel helpless and there’s nothing "The Death of a Child" is like a warm blanket on you can do, a snowy night. It envelops you with love, with “Sorry” doesn’t mean anything coming from me knowledge, with warmth, and with confidence that anymore, you can face the cold. It is an expression of a So I’m not going to say it cause I’ve said it before, mother's love that transcends any other written word But I will say I realize every time I lie, or cheat or on grief. Grab that hand and read as Elaine Stillwell steal it scars you inside, "sings the song". And some of those scars will never go away, --Book Review by Rosemary Smith as printed on No actions I make or any words I can say, www.Amazon.com I wish I could take all the shit I’ve done back, And erase it from memory and that would be that, The Fourth of July But what if one of us were to die today, And the word “Goodbye” we didn’t get to say, The Fourth of July is now spent without you, What if we never saw each other again, This favorite day is now only dark and blue. No more hugs or laughter or funny looking grins, The day with picnics has only clouds and rain No more “Bye, love you, see you tomorrow,” No sun will shine to ease this pain And the last words you said would drown you in The BBQ sits abandoned and cold sorrow, No longer used for your treats of old. All that was left was pictures and memories, No swimming, no baseball, no games do we play The last minute we were together No ice cream or watermelon makes pain go away. you wished you could seize, The fireworks display do not seem as bright Take back all the things you didn’t mean to say, The colors are dull and give off no light. This is why we need to live for today, This is the part of the day that you loved the most, Cause you never know if tomorrow will come, With star bursts and rockets that flew higher than the And if it didn’t, I would feel pretty dumb, rest. That I didn’t get to say what I wanted to, The Fourth of July, this party each year “You are the greatest person I know and I love Is now just a day, this has become so very clear. you.” It gives me no joy without you here. --Lovingly Submitted by: Christine Dalpiaz, Your holiday of choice -- we miss you my dear. Stepmother to Katlin Mykel Shaw d: 4/19/13 --© Karen Lynch, June 6, 1997 TCF Aurora CO Dedicated to Tim Lynch, Sorting out Poem for Chrissy by Katlin Shaw, January 2004 Almost five years. All I want is to get along, At first details of her murder But I guess I feel like I don’t belong, roiled inside my skull I feel like I have no one to care, like a storm-driven surf tossing without lull. But then I sit and think…you were always there, And always the tears. To help me out with anything I needed, Now mellow memories Quick to forgive every time I pleaded, are doled unexpectedly So I guess my mind likes to play tricks on me, from time to time as lilac scent Covering my eyes with anger through which I can’t teased by a whimsical spring breeze see, nourishing the soul. --Lenora Sanders TCF, Cassville, MO Page 10 Our Children Remembered

Ron Acker Kurt Boettcher Christina Califano Marika Critelli Born: 10/65 Died: 5/95 Born: 12/71 Died: 06/95 Born: 10/90 Died: 11/06 Born: 3/78 Died: 11/09 Mother: Ursula Spey-Acker Mother: Carolyn Boettcher Father: John Califano Father: Michael Critelli Father: Heinz H. Acker Todd Boettcher Cesar Isaac Cancino Joseph Francesco Michael Jonathan Adams Born: 2/79 Died: 10/79 Born: 01/05 Died: 01/05 Curreri Born: 1/81 Died: 2/08 Mother: Carolyn Boettcher Parents: Claudia & Cesar Born: 9/80 Died: 10/07 Parenst: Siv & Eddie Adams Cancino Mother: Karen Curreri Robert Bolde Troy Akasaka Born: 7/94 Died: 9/12 Kenneth Capparelli Scott Curry Born: 2/91 Died” 2/15 Parents: Diane & Paul Bolde Born: 1/77 Died: 1/04 Born: 8/59 Died: 7/08 Parents: Jay & Sharon Akasaka Mother: Sandy Capparelli Mother: Marilyn Nemeth Alan Bolton Ramon Alvarez Born: 11/63 Died: 3/06 Kevin Castaneda Justin Dalton Born: 10/84 - Died: 2/07 Mother: Helen Eddens Born: 4/94 Died: 4/13 Born: 9/74 Died: 8/09 Mother: Terrie Alvarez Parents: Fernando & Aleda Mother: Janis Farran Kevin Border Hockenberry Sumer Nicole Alvarez Born: 11/88 Died: 11/09 Rodney D. Day, Jr. Born:5/85 Died: 7/005 Mother: Kelly Border Frank Christopher Castania Born: 4/96 Died: 6/01 Parents: Dave Alvarez & Sandy Born: 8/94 Died: 7/05 Parents: Jersuha Day Murphy Antoinette Botley Parents: Frank & Debbie Born: 12/67 Died: 7/10 Castania Grandparents: Richard Danielle Ann Davis Noah William Aragon Mother: Fredia McGrew & Ann Leach Born: 10/78 Died: 3/10 Born: 1/05 Died: 3/06 Mother: Jackie Davis Parents: Rich & Michele Renee Bouchard Vanessa Roseann Castania Aragon Born: 3/75 Died: 5/06 Born: 2/97 Died: 7/05 Michael David Deboe Mother: Susan Bouchard Parents: Frank & Debbie Born: 12/75 Died: 5/09 Brandon Armstrong Castania Grandparents: Richard Parents: Dave & Judy Deboe Miscarried: July 1995 Michael Bowen & Ann Leach Mother: Cheryl Stephens Born: 5/95 Died: 8/14 Phillip Dennis Delurgio Mother: Tomasa Richmond Ryan Cavanaugh Born: 11/64 Died: 7/10 Joshua Arevalo Born: 6/83 Died: 11/06 Mother: Denise Nolan Delurgio Born: 7/93 Died: 8/11 Tamara Lynette Boyd Mother: Kimberly Cavanaugh Mother: Vilma Alfaro Born: 12/65 Died: 12/00 Anthony Joseph Demasio Parents: Gloria & Gayle Jones Zackary Kenneth Charlton Born: 6/52 Died:7/00 Jason M. Bakos Born: 11/81 Died: 3/10 Vivian Demasio Born: 9/79 Died: 12/07 Jazzelyn Braga Parents: Christine & Kerr Father: James Bakos Born: 11/08 Died: 5/09 Sister: Allie Bentley Cori Daye Desmond Father: Leonard Braga Born: 3/80 Died: 2/09 Alexandra Renee Balesh Nathaniel Choate Parents: Mark & Monica Born: 9/73 Died: 3/95 Lawrence Tom Brennan Born: 7/80 Died: 5/08 Desmond Parents: Ron & Stella Balesh Born: 11/86 Died: 12/10 Mother: Vicki Blain Parents: Manuel & Lisa Jo Douglas Thhorn Dethlefsen Kimberly Barcenas Hernandez Andrew Alexander Chou Born: 11/64 Died: 11/09 Born: 2/88 Died: 10/06 Born:12/03 Died: 12/03 Father: Douglas G. Dethlefsen Mother: Maria Guadalupe Ixta William Joseph Britton III Parents: Lu-Sieng Siauw & Born: 3/62 Died: 7/85 Wibawa Chou Luke Edward Devlin Christopher Barnhart Mother: Jean Anne Britton Born: 12/07 Died: 12/07 Born: 11/77 Died: 4/07 Michelle Christian Parents: Jacqueline & Tom Parents: Ron & Susan Mother Sayumi Claire Brower Born: 10/67 Died: 04/13 Devlin Sister: Stacy Pierce Born: 9/08 Died: 9/08 Parents: Paul & Toni Saben Parents: Scott & Maiko Brower Allison Jeanine Kirkbride Stephen Barrington Baxter Ophelra Grace Clark Dewart Born: 7/61 Died: 4/99 Eric Michael Brown Born: 10/82 Died: 9/10 Born: 10/87 Died: 1/06 Parents: Cash & Betty Baxter Born: 11/65 Died: 9/00 Sister: Rebecca Clark Parents: Z & Michael Dewart Mother: Beverly Young Vincent Beagle John Francis Cleary Gary A. Dicey, ll Born: 11/82 Died: 5/10 Benjamin Matthew Brytan Born: 12/74 Died: 8/93 Born: 4/82 Died: 6/98 Mother: Angela Beagle Born: 10/84 Died: 6/96 Mother: Pauline Cleary Basil Father: Gary A. Diecy, Sr. Mother: Karen Merickel & Tristina Ann Beale Robert Brytan Kelly Swan Cleary Michael A. DiMaggio Born: 12/80 Died: 9/08 Born: 3/59 Died: 3/95 Born: 10/54 Died: 7/01 Mother: Kathy Beale Robert L. Buckner Parents: Dick & Bev Swan Parents: Neno & Helen Di Born: 2/92 Died: 3/03 Maggio Kimberly Belluomini Parents: Brad & Cindy Buckner Sarah Elizabeth Cooper Born: 10/62 Died: 10/00 Born:10/95 Died: 8/00 Amy Elizabeth Dodd Parents: Joyce Anderson & Scott Buehler Parents: Mark & Sandra Cooper Born: 1/74 Died: 7/02 Ronald Assmann Born: 3/80 Died: 2/08 Mother: Kathleen Dodd Mother: Elizabeth Buehler Hugo Ignacio Corbalan Miller Born: 4/84 Died: 5/08 Asa James Dolak Vincent Begole Mother: Isabel Acosta Born: 2/94 Died: 12/13 Born: 11/82 Died: 5/10 Brittany Nicole Cail Mother:Andrea Dolak Parents: Angela & Vincent Born: 10/88 Died: 4/08 Tiffany Corkins Begole Mother: Raquel Cail Born: 7/70 Died: 8/05 Heidi Dominguez Mother: Nancy Lamb Born: 8/68 Died: 06/13 Sammy Bloom Albert Caldera Grandmother: Rita Menendez Born: 2/59 Died:12/82 Born: 3/78 Died: 2/10 Hannah Elizabeth Cortez Parents: Lois & Sam Bloom Parents: Refugio & Maria Born: 9/92 Died: 7/13 Caldera Parents: Rafael & Shari Cortez Our Children Remembered Page 11

Wayne Douglas David Joseph Ferralez Evan Leonard Grau Kent Hisamune Born: 9/71 Died: 1/10 Born: 2/74 Died: 12/02 Born: 8/82 Died: 5/04 Born: 6/00 Died: 6/00 Mother: Marie Galli Parents: John & Rebecca Parents: Maria & Wayne Grau Parents: Toshi & Hideko Ferralez Hisamune Sierra Dove Christopher Dudley Gray Born: Died: Michella Leanne Matasso Born: 5/83 Died: 2/04 Jesse Hoffman Parents: Michelle & Mathew Fincannon Parents: Dudley & Laurie Gray Born: 1/86 Died: 8/10 Dove Born: 8/86 Died: 1/06 Mother: Gina Hoffman Parents: Bill & Cheryl Matasso Matthew Ryan Gregory Ramsay Downie, ll Born: 3/80 Died: 1/11 Hope Ann Honeycutt Born: 2/64 Died: 10/99 Emma Nicole Fisher Parents: Carol & Fred Gregory Born: 12/62 Died: 6/00 Ramsay & Sally Downie Born: 11/99 Died: 7/06 Mother: Donna Honeycutt Parents: Nancy & Elliott Fisher Adam Francois Guymon Joel Draper Born: 4/89 Died: 4/06 Adria Horning Born: 1/84 Died: 5/04 Casey Owen Flint Mother: Eileen Guymon Born: 12/91 Died: 3/07 Mother: Tracy Solis Born: 5/75 Died: 7/09 Parents: Gary Horning & Linda Mother: Catherine Flint Anthony Joel Guzman Cipriani Rachel Sheridan Dunlap Born: 5/87 Died: 1/08 Born: 9/69 Died: 3/09 April Lou Flynn Mother: Teresa Guzman Jeremy Michael Howard Mother: Janell Dunlap Born: 4/61 Died: 1/05 Born: 7/83 Died: 6/94 Mother: Peggy Flynn Andrew John Gvist Mother: Donna Howard- Myaka Kaitana Durham Born: 7/88 Died: 5/05 Scruggs Born: 1/04/06 Died: 1/06 Mark Fraze Father: Mark Gvist Grandmother: Charlotte Crager Parents: Jahman & Ampy Born: 5/79 Died: 7/07 Durham Mother: Kathy Cammarano Justin Todd Gwizdala Jennifer Nicole Hower Born: 10/75 Died: 6/96 Born: 6/75 Died: 12/04 Scott Michael Dykstra Hunter Rebecca Bloem Freese Parents: Kathy & Gary Brother: Jeff Hower Born: 7/72 Died: 10/01 Born: 1/02 Died: 4/12 Gwizdala Parents: Mike & Rita Dykstra Parents: Brian & Michelle Miranda Howells Freese James Burman Hahn Born: 8/91 Died: 11/09 Gary Edholm Born: 11/68 Died: 12/05 Father: Walter Howells III Born: 5/56 Died: 9/95 Donald A. Funk Mother: Berna Hahn & Parents: Patti & Bob White Born: 12/41 Died: 9/00 J. Thomas Hahn Rachel Suzanne Hoyt Parents: William & Norma Jean Born: 2/70 Died: 1/95 Mark Edler Funk Josephine Olivia Haman Sister: Laura Hoyt D’anna Born: 11/73 Died:1/92 Born: 6/98 Died: 2/10 Parents: Kitty & Rich Edler Mark Scott Galper Aunt: Caroline Ozimok Tara Hudson Born: 2/62 Died: 5/97 Born: 1/86 Died: 1/07 Timothy Charles Egnatoff Mother: Sheri Schrier Grant Henry Hampton Mother: Mari Hudson Born: 11/92 Died: 9/08 Born: 3/79 Died: 7/05 Parents: Rick & Cathy Reny Marilyn Gardner Parents: Jeri & George Medak Chad Michael Huisinga Born: 6/53 Died: 1/14 Born: 10/74 Died: 12/95 Lorian Tamara Elbert Mother: Pat Gardner Brandon Allen Hanson Parents: Alan & Melinda Born: 5/66 Died: 10/07 Born: 5/75 Died: 5/10 Huisinga Mother: Dorota Starr Elbert Melinda "Peeper" Gardner- Mother: Yolanda Alepe Collins Hannah Nichea Hupke Luke Emery Born: 6/56 Died: 8/07 Robert Belmares Harris Born: 9/87 Died: 6/05 Born: 7/89 Died: 12/99 Mother: Pat Gardner Born: 12/66 Died: 12/95 Parents: Bruce & Joni Hupke Parents: Karen & Glenn Emery Parents: Bea & Larry Harris Justin Brian Gartland Zane Austin Hutchins Jeffery Mark Engleman Born: 10/81 Died: 4/05 Leslie Geraci Hart Born: 9/03 Died: 2/04 Born: 6/61 Died: 2/10 Parents: Brian & Paulette Born: 6/66 Died: 7/11 Parents: Mae Rivera & Jon Parents: Janette & Laszlo Gartland Father: John Geraci Hutchins Engelman Richard Lamar Gibbs Caleb Haskell Casie Leean Hyde Richard Paul Engelman Born: 3/84 Died: 5/05 Born: 6/78 Died: 9/06 Born: 3/89 Died: 12/05 Born: 02/66 Died: 03/95 Mother: Ann Wasecha Parents: Karen & Kim Haskell Mother: Kelli Rigby-Hyde Parents: Janette & Laszlo Engelman Steven Paul Giuliano Daniel Hassley John Joseph Iacono Born: 4/55 Died: 4/95 Born: 2/71 Died: 2/90 Born: 5/02 Died: 5/04 Henry Espinoza Mother: Eleanor Giuliano Parents: Eila & Richard Hassley Parents: Nancy & Anthony Born: 12/63 Died: 9/98 Iacono Mother: Virginia Espinoza Jacob Seth Goar Alicia M. Hayes Born: 1/79 Died: 5/01 Born: 1/81 Died: 5/96 Ben Francisco Inez de la Cruz Kurt Faerber Parents: Michael & Venus Parents: Becky & Dave Jordan Born: 1/71 Died: 11/91 Born: 8/63 Died: 3/87 Nunan Parents: Francesca Inez & Mother: Trudy Faerber Jason Patrick Healey Emmanuel de la Cruz Morgan Leeann Gomez Born: 10/84 Died: 2/09 Jarod Ryan Faulk Born: 1/08 Died: 1/08 Mother: Sharon Sykes Healey Born: 8/86 Died: 12/08 Parents: Amanda & Louie Father: Joe Faulk Gomez Emma Joy Heath John E. James Born: 5/98 Died: 6/07 Born: 6/62 Died: 9/93 Chase Feldkamp Nicholas Gonzalez Parents: DJ & Phil Heath Parents: Marilyn & Lupe Arvizo Born: 5/05 Died: 3/06 Born: 2/63 Died: 10/01 Parents: Buddy & Jessica Parents: Nick & Gloria Maddison Grace Herrera Kalaea Jennings Feldkamp Gonzalez Born: 5/14 Died: 5/14 Born: 4/07 Died: 9/07 Parents: Gabriela Partida & Parents: Nacio & Maria Jesse Herrera Jennings Page 12 Our Children Remembered

Melissa Gale Jetton Michael Kroppman Daniel Edward Manella Damion Mendoza Born: 5/58 Died: 7/84 Born: 12/88 Died: 3/12 Born: 9/67 Died: 10/98 Born: 7/76 Died: 6/92 Parents: James & Cathie Jetton Parents: Brenda & Greg Sister: Kathleen Manella Parents: Carlene & Paul Kroppmann Mendoza William Jimenez Elizabeth Mann Born: 3/94 Died: 5/04 Susan Ann Kruger Born: 7/60 Died: 5/05 Shannon R. Middleton Sister: Adrianna Jimenz Born: 9/64 Died:6/08 Parents: David & Olivia Mann Born: 2/77 Died: 5/94 Mother: Gloria Swensson Mother: Candy Middleton Angela Johnson Janet Sue Mann Born: 4/92 Died: 3/15 Kyle Kubachka Born: 10/61 Died: 9/10 Steven Douglas Millar Parents: Dennis & Maria Born: 1/89 Died: 11/08 Mother: Nancy Mann Born: 2/70 Died: 10/00 Johnson Parents: Keith & April Parents: David & Suzanne Kubachka Gabriella Mantini Millar Daniel A. Jones V. Born: 5/85 Died: 8/06 Born: 5/92 Died: 10/09 Natalie Samantha Large Mother: Martha Mantini Patricia Acha Miller Father: Daniel A. Jones IV. Born: 6/05 Died: 6/05 Born: 1/62 Died: 11/10 Parents: Burke & Maya Large Alex J. Mantyla Mother: Christina Acha David B. Jones Born: 3/89 Died: 8/08 Born: 3/50 Died: 3/01 Dolores LaRue Parents: Jarmo & Bonnie Angel Flores Misa, Jr Mother: Lucille Jones Born: 8/57 Died: 11/08 Mantyla Born: 10/69 Died: 7/06 Mother: Maggie Ramirez Parents: Roland & Luscita Jeff Joyce Kyle Jeffrey Martin Dilley Born: 2/68 Died: 4/01 Cherese Mari Laulhere Born: 11/80 Died: 7/04 Mother: Wadene Duffy Born: 9/74 Died: 3/96 Parents: David & Joanne Martin David F. Mobilio Parents: Larry & Chris Laulhere Born: 7/71 Died: 11/02 Lance John Juracka Jason Lee Martineau Parents: Richard & Laurie Born: 10/69 Died: 4/06 Bernard Lawrence Born: 9/79 Died: 12/07 Mobilio Parents: Frank & Nancy Juracka Born: 2/63 Died: 11/06 Father: James Bakos Mother: Jackie Bowens Anthony Moreno Heather Mary Kain Audrey Sinclare Marshall Born: 2/91 Died: 11/13 Born: 6/83 Died: 2/10 Bryan Yutaka Lee Born: 2/00 Died: 3/00 Mother: Ivette Romero Mother: Maura Kain Born: 12/70 Died: 9/07 Parents: Don & Kimberly Mother: Kathee Lee Marshall Danielle Ann Mosher Edwin J. Kaslowski Born: 8/78 Died: 6/97 Born: 11/67 Died: 7/96 Steven J. Lee Paul Martinez Parents: Paul & Rose Mary Mother: Carolyn Kaslowski Born: 1/63 Died: 10/06 Born: 1/86 Died: 3/08 Mosher Mother: Donna Lee Mother: Lorraine Martinez Emily Matilda Kass Benjamin A. Moutes Born: 6/95 Died: 3/06 Jessica Leffew Daniel George Mateik lll Born: 3/07 Died: 5/10 Mother: Susan Kass Born: 9/96 Died: 4/14 Born: 12/84 Died: 6/09 Parents: Kevin & Claudia Parents: Jarrad & Omica Jelsma Mother: Stefanie Hudak Moutes Scott Ira Kaufman Born: 4/68 Died: 7/95 Avery James Lent Daniel McClernan Peter Anthony Murillo Mother: Renee Kaufman Born: 12/03 Died: 7/06 Born: 7/53 Died: 2/07 Born: 11/72 Died: 10/04 Parents: Crystal Henning & Dan Mother: Lee McClernan Mother: Stella Murillo Douglas Drennen Kay Holly Born: 3/72 Died: 9/06 Joseph McCoy Marily Murney Parents: Steve & Diane Kay Quinn Frances Leslie Born: Born: 9/11 Died: 11/14 Born: 6/53 Died: 1/14 12/12 Died: 9/14 Mother: Amy McCoy Parents: Herb & Pat Gardner Kalin Marie Keech Parents: Ian & Katie Leslie Born: 10/90 Died: 6/09 Kirk McMulty Christopher Myers Richard & Kris Keech Brian Lopez Born: 7/84 Died:2/14 Born: 10/86 Died: 5/06 Born: 9/93 Died: 4/14 Mother: Elaine Mc Multy Parents: Janet & Larry Myers Kathryn Anne Kelly Parents: Jarrad & Omica Jelsma Sister: Remee Mc Multy Born: 12/72 Died: 1/91 Edward W. Myricks ll Parents: Dick & Timmy Kelly Kevin Le Nguyen Jeremy Stewert Mead Born: 4/72 Died: 10/11 Born: 5/88 Died: 6/14 Born: 10/61 Died: 11/14 Parents: Edward & Sandra Sean A. King Mother: Tracy Le Nguyen Mother: Carol Mead Myricks Born: 7/63 Died: 12/07 Parents: Catherine & Michael Wendy Levine Robert Andrew Mead Annamay Rebecca Celine Naef King Born:10/65 Died:11/95 Born: 5/65 Died: 4/11 Born: 4/95 Died: 10/11 Parents: Paul & Sharon Levine Mother: Carol Mead Parents: Heinz & Ursina Naef Kay Dee Kinney-Palser Born: 6/87 Died: 6/99 Michael Lococo Nicole Marie Megaloudis Christian Paul Nagy Grandmothers: Diana Palser & Born: 2/55 Died: 1/10 Born:10/84 Died: 2/04 Born: 5/02 Died: 5/02 Kay Kinney Mother: Patrina Lococo Mother: Gail Megaloudis- Parents: Paul & Teresa Nagy Rongen Colby Joshua Koenig Richard Lee Luthe Lisa Nakamara Born: 6/84 Died: 1/10 Born: 11/76 Died: 1/98 Alexis Melgoza Born: 12/93 Died: 10/14 Parents: Cindy Tobis & John Parents: Jeff & Lorraine Luthe Born: 3/90 Died: 6/11 Mother: Grace Nakamaru Koenig Mother: Gina Melgoza Shauna Jean Malone Richard Paul Negrete Keith Konopasek Born: 8/70 Died: 1/13 Shawn Mellen Born: 6/43 Died: 2/04 Born: 1/63 Died: 7/95 Parents: Tom & Mary Malone Born: 05/81 Died: 8/99 Mother: Sally Negrete Parents: Ken & Mary Godmother: Rose Sarukian Konopasek Michelle Marie Mandich Joy Ellen Nelson Born: 5/89 Died: 2/05 Born: 1/97 Died: 1/97 Parents: Michael & Lori Parents: Mary Desmond & Mandich David Nelson Our Children Remembered Page 13

Eric M. Neuan Maddison Grace Partida Keith Patrick Riley Jeffrey Alan Sampson Born: 1/79 Died: 3/09 Born: Died: Born: 3/69 Died: 10/99 Born: 3/86 Died: 5/05 Parents: Eric & Lynn Neuman Mother: Gabriela Partida Parents: Kevin & Debby Riley Parents: Claude & Paula Sampson William Samuel Nicassio Annemarie Pellerito Christopher Rivera Born: 1/88 Died: 1/14 Born: 9/73 Died: 8/03 Born: 10/67 Died: 1/06 Lisa Sandoval Mother: Pearl Nicassio Parents: Vicki & Pete Pellerito Mother: Katherine Wagner Born: 9/76 Died: 12/92 Parents: Susan & Ruben Danielle Nice Joseph Ryan Persh Ryanne Robles Sandoval Born: 7/81 Died: 8/04 Born: 1/03 Died: 2/03 Born: 10/12 Died: 10/12 Parents: Daniel & Debbie Nice Parents: Gary & Jane Persh Mother: Glenda Osborne F. Marlow Santos Born:10/84 Died:7/93 Monique Nicholson Daniel Andrew Peterson Edwin Rodriquez Parents: Fred & Julie Gillette Born: 7/71 Died: 1/08 Born: 1/78 Died: 5/85 Born: Died: Sister: April Nicholson Mother: Gay Kennedy Sister: Nancy Garcia Michael William Schlarb Born: 4/61 Died: 7/14 Denise Northbrook Richard Phillips Ruth “Vanny” Rodriguez Parents: Bill & Sharon Schlarb Born: 2/67 Died: 8/31 Born: 9/81 Died: 3/11 Born: 10/73 Died: 5/01 Parents: Mike & Barbie Schafer Mother: Lisa Grant Parents: George & Ruby Karen Ailegra Scholl Rodriguez Born: 8/64 Died: 4/99 Geoff James Nowak Jennifer Pizer Mother: Kay Scholl Born: 11/97 Died: 2/98 Born: 10/69 Died: 4/91 Christine E. Rojas Parents: Christen Murphey & Parents: Janis & Bud Pizer Born: 6/64 Died: 12/94 Matt Scholl Geoff Nowak Parents: Ray & Esther Rojas Born: 2/73 Died: 4/08 Chris Pierce Parents: Bill & Kay Scholl Logan Kay Nunez Born: 11/77 Died: 4/07 Jamie (James) Lloyd Roman Born: 1/95 Died: 4/05 Sister: Stacy Pierce Born: 4/78 Died: 2/97 Candace Arond Schonberg Parents: Mike & Laura Nunez Mother: Carolyn Roman Born: 3/98 Died: 11/00 Steven Randall Prather Parents: Andrene & Arond Michaela Grace Nunez Born: 9/62 Died: 8/10 Frankie Romero Schonberg Born: 2/05 Died: 7/05 Parents: Stu & Evalyn Prather Born: 10/81 Died: 9/93 Parents: Roger & Jennifer Mother: Magdalena Hilda Salas Jonathan "Jamie" Schubert Nunez D'Juan Marcel Pratt & Francisco L. Romero Born: 7/65 Died: 12/06 Born: 12/79 Died: 11/06 Parents: Lynn & Roy Schubert Sally Anne O’Connor Mother: Gwendolyn Elaine Dominic Niall Pennington Born: 12/62 Died: 2/11 Maiden Roque Melissa Lauren Schweisberger Mother: Grace “Darline” Dye Born: 8/02 Died: 9/09 Born:10/84 Died: 11/99 Steven Quesada Parents: Kerrie & Ren Roque Parents: John & Margarita Thomas Jinkwang Oh Born: 8/77 Died: 7/14 Schweisberger Born: 2/72 Died: 6/03 Mother: Esther Quesada James Garrett Ross Sister: Barbara Oh Born: 12/74 Died: 10/05 Patrick C. Shillings Jr Shannon Quigly Parents: Jim & Sharon Ross Born: 1/88 - Died: 10/09 Tyiri Ojose Born: 112/68 Died: 1/09 Parents: Patrick & Rena Born: 9/10 Died: 7/12 Mother: Kathleen Shortridge Michael William Roth Shillings Mother: Maureen Ojose Born: 6/71 Died: 12/08 Daniel Paul Rains Parents: Karen & William Roth Dylan Elwood Sievers Dominique Oliver Born: 4/72 Died: 3/91 Born: 8/08 Died: 8/08 Born: 5/85 Died: 3/02 Mother: Janet Ferjo John Patrick Rouse Parents Daren & Marne Sievers Mother: Cheryl Stephens Born: 1/78 Died: 7/02 Jeffrey Alan Rakus Mother: Sharon Rouse Tyson Donald Sievers Elliott Shawn Oliver Born: 10/86 Died:7/06 Born: 8/08 Died: 9/08 Born: 8/75 - 2/13 Parents: Tony & Donna Rakus Giovani Rubalcava Parents: Darren & Marne Parents: Elliott Joseph Oliver Jr. Born: 4/95 Died: 8/14 Sievers & Linda Barcela Julius Ramirez JR. Parents: Gina & Dennis Diviak Born: 8/09 Died: 8/10 Spencer Simpson Henry Ortega Parents: Bridie & Jules Ramirez Michael B. Ruggera, Jr. Born: 1/80 Died: 6/13 Born: 5/97 Died: 7/08 Born: 4/51 Died: 4/96 Parents: Rich & Shelly Simpson Parents: Henry & Wendy Leo Joshua Rank ll Parents: Michael & Frances Ortega Born: 3/11 Died: 4/12 Ruggera Gerald Slater Parents: Roberta Redner & Leo Born: 2/71 Died: 8/94 Masahiro Ozaki Rank Shannon Quigley Runningbear Parents: Bob & Gwen Slater Born: 5/78 Died: 8/09 Born: 12/68 Died: 1/09 Sister: Etsuko Moromi Cindy Ranftl Mother: Kathleen Crowley Jennine Steen Born: 8/68 Died: 7/97 Shortridge Born: 7/05 Died: 9/10 Crystal Pagan Parents: Pat & Bob Ranftl Father: Donya Steen Born: 6/74 Died:3/14 Joseph Sahu Mother: Sunny Honsinger Tejal Pati Reddy Born: 6/89 Died: 4/12 Nancy Sterger Born: 6/86 Died: 12/08 Parents: Ron & Cathy Born: 8/57 Dirf 6/12 Lucas Hunter Palar Parrents: Pranitha & Krupa Mother: Ann Leer Born: 11/89 Died: 5/06 Reddy Armando Sainz Parents: Hugh Palar & DeAnna Born: 6/76 Died: 2/02 Jonathan David Streisand Williams Richard R. Reyes Mother: Jennie Hernandez Born: 1/87 Died: 2/13 Born: 12/65 Died: 12/08 Prents: Pricilla & David Armon Parker Mother: Terry Reyes Andrew Patrick Sakura Streisand Born: 4/72 Died: 3/04 Born: 3/90 Died: 3/08 Mother: Sabrina Parker Aaron Rico Parents: Bruce & Karen Sakura Daniel John Swiggum Born: 12/89 Died: 12/10 Born: 6/88 Died: 7/08 Parents: Cameron & Annette Parents: Stewart & Rico MarianSwiggum Page 14 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015

Our Children Remembered Birthday Tributes... Elizabeth D. Szucs Tommy Villanueva Taylor Whitaker Born: 4/72 Died: 6/11 Born: 10/68 Died: 5/02 Born: 4/00 Died: 4/06 In honor of your child’s birthday, we welcome Parents: Dolores & Frank Parents: Jennie & Edgar Parents: Michelle & you to submit a birthday tribute. Though your Szcus Villanueva Chris child is no longer here to buy a present for, Whitaker Anthony Tanori Justin Alexander Velasquez think of this as a birthday present about your Born: 8/82 Died: 8/12 Born: 7/12 Died 7/12 Andreas Wickstrom child. This tribute is an opportunity to share Parents: Chuck & Sylvia Parents: Ricardo & Marcie Born: 12/83 Died:12/01 your child with us all. (We thank you for any Tanori Velasquez Parents: John & Inge birthday donations that help offset chapter Wickstrom Joseph Tauaefa Eric Douglas Vines expenses.) Born: 2/85 Died: 7/10 Born: 7/77 Died: 7/91 Victoria Winchester Œ Please remember we are always working a Parents: Loi & Sioka Tauaefa Parents: Doug & Lynn Vines Born: 2/57 Died: 2/84 month in advance and need your tributes by Mother: Erin Adams the first of the month preceding the actual Jacqueline Taylor Mark Daniel Vinson Born: 1/83 Died: 7/11 Born: 11/78 Died: 7/10 Jennifer Winkelspecht birthday. Mother: Jennifer Flynn Mother: Virginia Vinson Born: 7/75 Died: 8/95 Parents: Brian & Lisa Kristi Nicole Taylor Serena Yasmeen C. Viveros Winkelspecht Born: 5/80 Died: 9/94 Born: 11/05 Died: 11/05 Parents: Kathy & Cory Taylor Mother: Brenda Viveros Jordan Michael Witte Born: 1/87 Died: 11/08 John Teresinski Marisa Ann Vuoso Parents: Licha & Mike Born:12/67 Died: 1/00 Born: 7/83 Died: 3/93 Witte Parents: Beverly & Victor Parents: Debbie & Marco Teresinski Vuoso Bob Woodyard Born: 7/55 Died: 10/08 Ryan William Thomas Kristopher Wadman Bill & Barb Woodyard Born: 2/82 Died: 4/04 Born: 11/82 Died: 10/00 A Birthday Tribute to: Mother: Linda Thomas Parents: Michael & Melodie Amy Woolington Wadman Born: 10/85 Died: 1/07 Eric Douglas Vines Laura C. Toomey Parents: Pam Weiss & Born:1/69 Died: 12/78 Carl Alan Wagenknecht John Woolington July 1977 - July 1991 Mother: Michael & Elizabeth Born: 7/70 Died: 8/04 Toomey Parents: Tom & Janis Christopher Wootton Wagenknecht Born: 11/86 Died: 5/08 Happy Birthday Eric, Michael D. Toomey Father: Jim Wootton Another birthday without you Born: 4/62 Died: 2/05 Jeffrey Sinclair Wagstaff Mother: Michael & Elizabeth Born: 9/80 Died: 4/99 Cristofur Daye Wroten- here... I sit and remember all the Toomey Parents: Johnny & Barbara Kennedy wonderful parties and outings we Walker Born: 2/75 Died: 9/01 went on for you special day. You Nathan Torbert Sister: Sheimekia Wagstaff Mother: Dusty Wroten Born:1/78 Died: 12/05 Father: Joe Kennedy were our party planner and every Mother: Rebecca Williams Cory Dylan Walker Born: 8/76 Died: 3/01 Brett Yodice year we did something special. David Torres Parents: Jim and Susan Born: 11/89 Died: 5/13 You would be 38 this birthday and Born: 6/66 Died: 3/06 Walker Parents: Sam & Susan probably still excited about your Mother: Joyce Whirry Yodice Eric Webb birthday but low key on celebrating. Marcelo Torres Born: 6/85 Died: 10/07 Steve R. Young Then again, you might be a dare devil Born: 8/81 Died: 9/03 Parents: Jim & Vickie Webb Born: 7/57 Died: 2/90 Parents: Jaime & Carmen Mother: Marjorie Young and jump out of a plane as your Torres Dennis William Webber Born: 5/85 Died: 3/05 Whitney Marie Young birthday present to yourself. Or Brian Gregory Trotter Parent: Blaine & Sin Young Born: 8/87 Died:11/06 maybe you would have children of Born: 10/78 Died: 8/94 Webber Parents: Marlene & your own and be sharing a birthday... Mother: Abby Trotter-Herft Steve Young Michelle Whitaker it’s the “what if’s” that forever haunt Vance C. Valdez Born: 6/72 Died: 4/06 Thomas Zachary Born: 10/90 Died: 3/12 Mother-in-law: Karen Scott Born: 12/85 Died: 7/11 me. I will always wonder what might Parents: Carlos & Maria Father: Bob McGaha have been as I blow out the candle Valdez Taylor Whitaker Born: 4/00 Died: 4/06 Kevin Zelik on your cake. But I will never stop Lexi Noelle Valladares Mother: Karen Scott Born: 11/85 Died: 6/10 loving your or doing something Born: 4/04 Died: 7/10 Parents: Joe & Linda Parents: Fausto & Erica Sharon Ann Wendt Zelik special to honor you on your special Valladares Born: 6/54 Died: 4/99 day! Parents: Mr.& Mrs. Carmel Mark T. Vasquez Doucet We all love and miss you and Born: 5/75 Died: 5/11 wish you a Happy Birthday. Parents: Manuel & Blanca Brian Scott West Vasquez Born: 8/70 Died: 4/08 Love, Mom Parents: David & Connie Schlottman

The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 Page 15

tragic, untimely death. The child's parents are heartbroken. But what about the grandparents? How might they be feeling? How can you help them with their unique grief? This article will guide you in ways to turn your concern for the grandparents into positive action. Realize that a grandparent's grief is unique. A Birthday Tribute to: When a grandchild dies, the grandparent often mourns the death on many levels. The Tiffany Diane Lamb Corkins grandparent probably loved the child dearly and July 1970 - August 2005 may have been very close to him or her. The death has created a hole in the grandparent's life My Dearest Daughter, that cannot be filled by anyone else. Grandparents It is so hard to believe it will be 10 years in who were not close to the child who died, perhaps August that you have been gone from us. We talk because they lived far away, may instead mourn about you often. I think of you everyday, several the loss of a relationship they never had. times a day. I miss you so much, more than ever it Grieving grandparents are also faced with seems. Your boys and I will be having our annual witnessing their child-the parent of the child who camping trip. We light a candle for you, and died-mourn the death. A parent's love for a child is everyone talks about memories of you. We will perhaps the strongest of all human bonds. For the bring a picture this year, maybe a photo album if I parents of the child who died, the pain of grief may can put one together, its hard. seem intolerable. For the grandparents, watching Your brother, wife and kids will join us for a day their own child suffer so and feeling powerless to or two. We will send balloons from all of us. We take away the hurt can feel almost as intolerable. all love you and miss you. You will always be in Acknowledge the grandparent's search for our hearts, meaning. When someone loved dies, we all Ì Love, Mom ponder the meaning of life and death. When a child or young adult dies, this search for meaning can be For Siblings ... especially painful. Young people aren't supposed to die. The death violates the natural order of life They Lived… and seems terribly unfair. For grandparents, who may have lived long, Yes, cry dear souls rich lives already, the struggle to understand the death may bring about feelings of guilt. "Why didn't For the ones you have lost. God take me, instead?" the grandparent may ask Remember the times you shared – himself. "Why couldn't it have been me?" The fun times Such feelings are both normal and necessary. The quiet times You can help by encouraging the grandparent to The sad times talk about them. The thoughtful times. Respect faith and spirituality. Yes, cry dear hearts Many people develop strong commitments to For the lives cut short. faith and spirituality as they get older. If you allow Remember what they gave – them, grieving grandparents will "teach you" about The laughter...The tears ...The hopes ...The fears. the role of faith and spirituality in their lives. Yes, cry for the loss of a loved one. Encourage them to express their faith if doing so But celebrate, for they have lived. helps them heal in grief. --Cheryl Larson, Sibling Sometimes, however, faith can naturally complicate healing. The grandparent may feel For Grandparents... angry at God for "taking" the grandchild. He then may feel guilty about his anger, because, he may Helping a Grandparent Who Is Grieving reason, God is not to be questioned. Or the by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. grandparent may struggle with feelings of doubt A child or young adult has died. Everyone who about God's plan or the afterlife. loved the child is now faced with mourning this Talking with a pastor may help the grandparent, Page 16 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 as long as the pastor allows the grandparent to the time of the death as well as in the weeks and honestly express her feelings of anger, guilt and months ahead. sadness. No one should tell a grandparent that Write a personal note. Sympathy cards she shouldn't grieve because the child has gone to express your concern, but there is no substitute for heaven; mourning and having faith are not mutually your personal written words. What do you say? exclusive. Share a favorite memory of the child who died. Listen with your heart. You can begin to help Relate the special qualities that you valued in him by simply listening. Your physical presence and or her. These words will be a loving gift to the desire to listen without judging are critical helping grandparent, words that will be reread and tools. Don't worry so much about what you will remembered always. say. Just concentrate on the words that are being Use the name of the child who died in your shared with you. personal note and in talking to the grandparent. The grieving grandparent may want to share Hearing that name can be comforting, and it the same story about the death over and over confirms that you have not forgotten this important again. It's as if talking about the death makes it a child whom the grandparent loved and misses so little more bearable each time. Listen attentively. much. Realize that this repetition is part of the Be aware of holidays and other significant grandparent's healing process. Simply listen and days. The grandparent may have a difficult time try to understand. during special occasions like holidays and other Sometimes grandparents, especially significant days, such as the child's birthday and grandfathers, don't want to talk about the death. the anniversary of the child's death. These events They may have been raised to believe that talking emphasize the child's absence. Respect this pain about feelings is frivolous or selfish or unmanly. It's as a natural extension of the grief process. OK; they don't have to talk. Simply spending time These are appropriate times to visit the with them demonstrates your love and concern. grandparents or write a note or simply give them a Be compassionate. Give the grandparent quick phone call. Your ongoing support will be permission to express her feelings without fear of appreciated and healing. criticism. Learn from the grandparent; don't instruct "When a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve or set expectations about she should respond. twice. They mourn the loss of the child and they Never say, "I know just how you feel." You don't. feel the pain of their own child's suffering. Think about your helper role as someone who Sometimes we forget about the grandparents when "walks with" not "behind" or "in front of" the grieving a child dies. You can help by not forgetting, by grandparent. offering the grandparents your love, support and Allow the grandparent to experience all the presence in the weeks and months to come." hurt, sorrow and pain that he is feeling at the time. --Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Director of the Center for Enter into his feelings, but never try to take them Loss and Life Transition away. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with From Our Members... the death. Avoid clichés. Words, particularly clichés, Emma, forever 6 ½ can be extremely painful for a grieving grandparent. Clichés are trite comments often Forever pure and innocent intended to provide simple solutions to difficult Forever beautiful realities. Grandparents are often told, "God Forever happy needed another angel in heaven" or "Don't worry, Never sad John and Susie (can) have another child" or "You Forever smiling in our memories have to be strong for your child." Comments like Forever loved these are not constructive. Instead, they hurt Forever 6 ½ because they diminish the very real and very painful loss of a unique child. –Nancy Fisher TCF So. Bay/L.A., CA Offer practical help. Preparing food, washing We welcome and encourage you to submit contributions you clothes, and cleaning the house are just a few of found meaningful to you in your grief. We prefer your original the practical ways of showing you care. And, just poems and thoughts, but we can also print other material if as with your presence, this support is needed at proper credit is given to the author. Please take the time to The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 Page 17 submit a poem or article you found helpful. Thank You ... Thank you to all those who donate to our meeting basket or send donations to our chapter. TCF Is On Facebook .... Please visit and help Since there are no fees or dues to belong to TCF, promote The Compassionate Friends National your donations keep us functioning, and we Organization's Facebook page by becoming a fan. appreciate your help. You can get there by clicking on the link from TCF's national website home page at Birthday Tributes... During your child's www.compassionatefriends.org. Or, you can log into birthday month, you may place a picture and either a Facebook and search for The Compassionate short personal message, poem, or story about your Friends/USA. In addition to the social support child in the newsletter. (Less than 200 words, aspect, The Compassionate Friends/USA Facebook please.) Do not cut your picture. We will block off page will have information about upcoming events. unused areas. If it is a group photo, identify the person to be cropped. This tribute is an opportunity Our Website... We have created a new website for to tell a short story about your child, so we will be our chapter. Joe Zelik is hosting the website and able to know them better. Photos must have updating it with the current newsletter and chapter identification on the back. Enclose a SASE in order information. Due to the rising costs of printing and for photos to be returned by mail. (Please do not postage, we are asking everyone to get the send your only picture.) newsletter online if possible. To be able to send a Tributes must be in by the 1st of the month reminder each month to let you know when the latest preceding your child's birthday month or at the prior issue of the newsletter is available, we need your e- meeting. (Example: July 1st for August birthdays). mail address. To update our files, please call Lynn at Otherwise they will appear if space permits or in the (310) 530-3214 to update by phone. You can also following month's issue. log onto our website at www.tcfsbla.org if you want to do it electronically. Thank-you for your Phone Friends ... Sometimes you want or need understanding and help. to talk about the life and death of your child with TCF South Bay/LA someone that understands and can share your pain. The following friends are on the telephone committee, The National Office of TCF has an ongoing support and are available to talk when ever you need group for parents and siblings online. For a complete someone who understands. schedule and to register for Online Support, visit Cheryl Stephens...... (323) 855-2630 http://compassionatefriends.org and follow the Kitty Edler...... (310) 541-8221 directions to register. Karen Merickel...... (310) 375-2498 Richard Leach (grandchild)...... (310) 833-5213 Healing the Grieving Heart... Featuring experts who SIBLING PHONE FRIENDS discuss the many aspects of grief, with a main focus Kristy Mueller...... (310) 373-9977 on the death of a child and its effects on the family. REGIONAL COORDINATOR "Healing the Grieving Heart" can be heard on the Olivia Garcia...... (818) 212-3506 Web live at www.health.voiceamerica.com. Memory Book... Our chapter has an ongoing Welcome New Members ... We welcome our new Memory Book. Each child is given a page in the members to our chapter of TCF. We're sorry you book. Pictures, poems, or a tribute you choose that have a need to be with us, but we hope you feel you will help us to remember your child can be included. have found a safe place to share your grief and will Feel free to add your picture to the Memory Book at return. It often takes a few meetings to feel at ease in any of our meetings. This is one way we can meet a group setting. Please try attending three meetings and remember the new member's children. before deciding if TCF is for you. Each meeting is different, and the next one might be the one that Library Information... At each meeting we have a really helps. library table. It is on the honor system. You may We encourage you to take advantage of our borrow a book and can bring it back at the next resources. We have a well stocked library of grief meeting. Many of you have books you got when you materials, a phone friend committee that welcomes were newly bereaved and may no longer need. calls at any time, and a members' directory to call Perhaps you would like to donate books on grief that another parent you have met at the meetings. you found helpful. If you wish to donate a book to our library, please let Linda know so we can put your Page 18 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 child's name on a donation label inside the book. Other Grief Support Websites... agast.org (for grandparents) groww.com Newsletter... For those of you who are receiving the goodgriefresources.com childloss.com newsletter for the first time, it is because someone beyondindogp.com griefwatch.dom has told us that you might find it helpful. We warmly angelmoms.com babysteps.com invite you to attend one of our meetings. Please let healingafterloss.org webhealing.com us know if you know of someone who could benefit survivorsofsuicide.com opentohope.com from our newsletter which is sent free to bereaved taps.org (military death) alivealone.org parents. We do ask that professionals, friends, and bereavedparentsusa.org save.org family members contribute a donation to help offset pomc.com (families of murder victims) the costs involved. If any information needs to be grasphelp.org (substance abuse deaths) changed, or if you would like your child included in the "Our Children Remembered" section, please LOCAL TCF CHAPTERS contact the editor at (310) 530-3214. Los Angeles: (310) 474-3407 1st Thurs. Orange Coast/Irvine: (949) 552-2800 1st Wed. Additional Grief Support .... Orange Co./Anaheim: (562) 943-2269 Bereavement Organizations and Resources: Pomona/San Gabriel: (626) 919-7206 Redlands: (800) 717-0373 3rd Tues. TCF National Newsletter: For all bereaved parents Riverside-Inland Empire: (909) 683-4160 and siblings. Published quarterly; subscription fee. South Los Angeles: (323) 546-9755 last Tue Contact TCF Inc., P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL Ventura Co. TCF: (805)981-1573 1&3 Thurs. 60522-3696 (630) 990-0010 Verdugo Hills: (818) 957-0254 4th Thurs. FAMILY & FRIENDS OF MURDER VICTIMS: Rose San Fernando Valley: (818) 788-9701 2nd Mon. Madsen, (909) 798-4803 Newsletter and support group, e-mail [email protected] A SPECIAL THANKS TO: ALIVE ALONE: For parents who have lost their only Staples for their help in printing our child, or all their children. 1112 Champaign Dr., Van newsletters each month Wert, OH 45891 Newsletter available. and to www.Alivealone.org The Neighborhood Church for the use of their SURVIVORS AFTER SUICIDE: Support Group for facilities for our meetings. families that have lost someone to suicide. Contact Sam & Lois Bloom (310) 377-8857 OUR HOUSE/BEREAVEMENT HOUSE: 1950 CHAPTER OFFICERS: Sawtelle Blvd., Suite 255, L.A., CA (310) 475-0299 CHAPTER LEADERS: Linda Zelik PATHWAYS HOSPICE: Bereavement support and NEWSLETTER EDITOR: Lynn Vines sibling group. Bill Hoy (562) 531-3031 PROOFREADER: Sandra Myricks NEW HOPE GRIEF SUPPORT COMMUNITY: TREASURER: Ken Konopasek Grief support and education groups for adults and CARDS: Crystal Henning children. Susan K. Beeney, P.O. Box 8057, Long WEBSITE: Joe Zelik Beach, CA 90808, (562) 429-0075 PROVIDENCE TRINITY CARE HOSPICE AND THE STEERING COMMITTEE MEMBERS: GATHERING PLACE: Various bereavement support Kristy Mueller Linda Zelik groups including support for loss of a child, support Lori & Dudley Gray Cheryl Stephens group for children 5-8, 9-12, and teens. Call Patty Cheryl & Bill Matasso Lynn Vines Ellis (310) 546-6407–new number Nancy & Elliott Fisher Ken Konopasek Torrance Memorial Bereavement Services: Kitty Edler Crystal Henning (310) 325-9110 Weekly grief support. Susan Kass THE LAZARUS CIRCLE: Monthly grief support. Meets third Thurs of each month, 6-7;15 at First Lutheran Church, 2900 W. Carson St. Torrance SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss: Contact: Megan Heddlesten (800) 821-6819 Walk With Sally: Cancer loss bereavement & art therapy for children- Monica Fyfe (310) 378-5843 The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA July 2015 Page 19

DONATIONS TO THE SOUTH BAY/L.A. CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS

In loving memory of Shauna Jean Malone, August 1970 - January 2013. Love, Mom & Dad

In loving memory of Emily Matilda Kass, June 1995 - March 2016. Happy Birthday Sweetie Pie- Forever in our hearts. Loving you always, Missing you Forever. Love Mom & Jessica

In loving memory of Eric Douglas Vines, July 1977 - July 1991. In honor of your birthday this year, I am donating a wonderful book to our TCF library. Happy Birthday, son. I love you, Mom

With sincere gratitude and deep appreciation, we acknowledge the generosity of the previous individuals and companies. Your tax deductible donation, given, in memory of your loved one enables us to reach bereaved parents with telephone calls and information, and they also help defray newsletter and mailing costs. Please help us reach out to others in this difficult time. Indicate any special tribute you wish printed in our newsletter.

When making a donation, please make checks payable to: The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A. Chpt.

Mail to: The Compassionate Friends So Bay/ L.A. Chapter P.O. Box 11171 Torrance, CA 90510-1171

In loving memory of______Birth date ______Death date ______Sent From ______Tribute______To include your donation in the next newsletter, we must receive it by the first of the month or it will appear in the following issue. The Compassionate Friends South Bay/L.A., CA Chapter NON PROFIT ORG P.O. Box 11171 US POSTAGE PAID Torrance, CA 90510-1171 PERMIT 3223 --Return Service Requested– TORRANCE CA 90503

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down on us to let us know they are happy. – Return Serv ice Requested– July 2015

Time Sensitive Material, Please Deliver Promptly

THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS CREDO

We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends. We reach out to each other with love, with understanding, and with hope.

The children we mourn have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love for them unites us. Your pain becomes my pain, just as your hope becomes my hope.

We come together from all walks of life, from many different circumstances. We are a unique family because we represent many races, creeds, and relationships. We are young, and we are old. Some of us are far along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so fresh and so intensely painful that they feel helpless and see no hope.

Some of us have found our faith to be a source of strength, while some of us are struggling to find answers. Some of us are angry, filled with guilt or in deep depression, while others radiate an inner peace. But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share, just as we share with each other our love for the children who have died.

We are all seeking and struggling to build a future for ourselves, but we are committed to building a future together. We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well as the doubts, and help each other to grieve as well as to grow.

WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE. WE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS. ©2015 THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS -- SOUTH BAY/L.A., CA CHAPTER

If you no longer wish to receive this mailing or have a new address, please contact us.