November 2004 DDEEKEEK

CCHAMPIONSHAMPIONS OOFF PPOLITICSOLITICS

www.deekmagazine.com a new kind of jont coming soon to the strip district

You’re in for the PranaA bizarre of Coffe, Art and Music... cheap – to take LOUD above Grand Opening Real MUSIC High-Fashion; October 15, 2004 to grasp above coffeehouse • art gallery • retail bizarre UGLY Trends jester’s court tattoo • chill spot CLOTHES Propaganda; avalon full to thieve “noise” live bands friday BEAUTIFUL Ugly above “serious spins” live djs saturday PEOPLE Pretentious. October 23 - Underground Hip Hop page And Avalon is the October 29 - Nightmare on Smallman place to do this.

Here, you’ll steal now booking artists, retail artists, djs, bands, musicians and current, cheap people of bizarre and unusual talents fashions from your for more information visit www.oranagallery2010.com fellow man, while m .co getting some cash, ge and losing the threads n you’ve outgrown. a h c It’s just like x 115 Atwood Street e Pittsburgh, PA 15213 they say – only n (412) 621-1211

o l different: a Store hours:

v Mon–Sat:11–8 a

. Sunday: 12 – 6

w

w w

Y SE U L

B L

T

R E A D Deek Magazine Elegant Madness. The Champions of Politics Incident An exercise in biased reluctance PUBLISHER: Nova Keenan November 2004 CHIEF: NONSENSE MANAGEMENT: FEATURES 16 Matt Stroud Nate Bog(os/uszewski) How to resurrect our national pride 17Chasing Ann Coulter 20 MINISTER OF PROPAGANDA: MASTERS OF COPY: By Randall DeVallance By Greg Benevent Benjamin A. Edwards Jesse Hicks “As the fi lm Miracle showed us, the key to curing a sagging economy, “All I know is that I was never born until I came to the Republican Mo Mozuch soaring unemployment, strained foreign relations, and general pessimism convention. And now I never, ever, want to leave.” DESIGN OVERLORD: lies in ice hockey.” Doug Crissman Defeated – Deek goes back to school I and II 30 ARTISTS OF SUBMISSION: By Read Ashton and Nova Keenan Houston McIntyre, Rob Gray, Piama, margaret mary, Laura “I don’t believe in God, I believe in Mother Nature…I feel like Mother Miller, Carrie Schneider Nature would vote for John Kerry”

WRITERS OF SUBMISSION: Read Ashton, Greg Benevent, Cornelius Blackshear, Tim Bodine, 10 25 Mac Booker, Zach Braden, Delongpre Dannon, Winefred “Winston” SHORTS GALLERY Dingus, Kent A. Edwards, James Eldred, Palmer Eldritch, Chantrelle Newsbriefs, Fetish, Kerry and Bush at the movies, Th e day I tried to win Featuring Special Pull-out section, Labor Day in Europe, and others Fontain, Cantelle Fontain, Dr. G, Stephi Grasso, Piama Habibullah, Mr. Ho Jangles, Chesty LaRoue, Whitey McGee, Patricia McKean, Melissa Meinzer, Mandy Melodini, Ben’s Mom, Rob Rossi, Abigail Rowland, Jason Salinetro, Erasmus Santiago, Gideon Stargrave, Sid DEPARTMENTS: Stark, Austin Tasseltein, Keith J. Varadi, Irving Washington, LETTERS (from, to) 6 EVENT LISTINGS 48

MODELS: PUNK/COUNTERPUNK (Young people suck) 8 THE UNDERAPPRECIATED SCHOLAR 50 Heather Lucas, Nish Suvarnakar, Houston McIntyle, Jessica Robyn ENTERTAINMENT 34

SPECIAL THANKS: INTERCULTURAL HOUSE (Movies) Algiers, Gestapo’s Last Orgy, Outfoxed; Houston McIntyre, Al Mercer, Cathy McCollom, Pat Clark, is now accepting resident applications for 2005 thisishapppening.com (Books) 50 Reasons Not to Vote for Bush, Future Dictoinary of America, Apocalypse Culture; BUSINESS: The Pittsburgh InterCultural House The over-arching mission of the George Collasius, J.C. Ciesielski, Michael “Money” Pracht is an independent non-profi t project InterCultural House is to provide a that exists to promote understanding cooperative living center for full-time (Music) Rock Against Bush, Between the Waters, Cherry Monroe, between cultures with a focus on students of all ethnicities enrolled Lamb of God, Kevin Finn, Rolling Stones, Grain, APOLOGIES: modifi cation of stereotypes and in local colleges and to facilitate To Everyone prejudices. Members of the project opportunity for the residents learn and Th e Breakup Society, Dillinger Escape Plan; live in the ICH, are university students, grow in a diverse environment where Candiria;’(Interview) Every Time I Die; graduate or undergraduate, and identify they may gain further understanding Copyright ©2004 DeekMagazine L.L.C. with various ethnic and racial groups. of the world around them, better Send correspondence to preparing them for life after (Culture) Return of the MILF; DeekMagazine graduation. P.O. Box 7502 (Conspiracy Th eory) Electronic Voting Scams; Pittsburgh, PA 15213 (Miscellany) Review of a Blue Th ong; [email protected] more information www.deekmagazine.com available through (Eating Out) Th ai Me Up v. Lemongrass Food Fight; Reproduction of Deek Magazine in any manner, in whole or in part, is prohibited without interculturalhouse.org express, written consent of the publisher, who can be reached at [email protected]. Deek Magazine reserves the right to edit all materials for clarity and space, and assumes no responsibility (Advice) Ask Dr. G; for anything, especially our sanity. Politicians are funny. From tyranny to elections. My opponent says he has a plan. I meet with tem all the time. Follow me into a mistake. More of the same over the next 4 years. Th ere’s rumors on the internets that we’re going to have a draft. Ideology of hate. (Essay) Wal – We Have Rules Here, Rossi – God Only Knows Mr. President, you’re batting 0 for 2. We’ve gotta create the great entrepreneurial spirit. Chris Reeve is a good friend of mine. I don’t want to hurt their feelings on national TV. Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country. You guys have blacks too!? I invented the internet. I wish we lived in the day Th e ICH is still looking to fi ll a room where you could challenge a person to a duel. Who among us doesn’t like NASCAR? She usually for fall. One space remains in the house goes on the bottom. Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. I am not for a resident. Leases can be signed part of the problem. I am a Republican. I want to be Robin to Bush’s Batman. Outside of the for the remainder of the Fall semester killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. I have opinions of my own and/or Spring of 2005. Contact Rod at – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them. Bitch set me up. My fellow Americans, 412.688.9901 I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in fi ve minutes. I have survived an attack from a giant, swimming, killer bunny rabbit. He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on. No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You win the war, by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country! I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Ich bin ein Berliner. Oh drugs! I thought you said trucks! Nixon would have made a good pope. I never trust a man unless I’ve got his pecker in my pocket. So I was all like, trimming my ball jazz and whatever. We are very sorry. For everything. Outgoing Incoming Editor’s Letter Unedited Letters to the Editor On September 4th, 2001, Ben Cohen, political activist and founder of one similar policies. Clinton himself once said, “I hope you’re all aware we’re Dearest Deekums, my sugar puff love dumpling, As for my signature A) I got it from Esquire, I have an idea: How about a “how to” guide to of the nation’s largest ice cream sellers (Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s), wrote an open letter all Eisenhower Republicans.” LEAVE IT TO YOUNG WHITE TRASH TO which I started reading while with my ex-fi ance, insulting people who can’t fi ght back – mutes, to the U.S. government via Alternet.org, asking for justifi cation of a $344 POST A PICTURE OF THE BLACK MAN but liked it so much I subscribed after we broke deaf people, retarded people, people in the billion defense budget. Posted like a want-ad within an article, he wrote: Th e way we see it, this election’s signifi cance can be summed up with ON YOUR GREED ISSUE. VERY 1980’S? up. B) totally belive. C) love the fact that it special olympics: Quote of the morning, from one question: Am I voting for the idiot who intends to run this country came from Jack La Laine (a total psycho) D) a reporter (the anus I spoke of yesterday), AND TRASHY. A BLACK MAN WITH A Serious enemy needed to justify Pentagon budget increase. into a hole, destroying everything we cherish, dismantling much of the am drunk on cheap champagne so this has gone whose phone etiquette at ten in the morning is MOUTHFULL OF BENJAMINS? HOW Defense contractors desperate. Interested enemies send letter and progression we’ve made in modern times? Or am I going to vote for the on way too long, and, E) have been meaning to abysmal: photo or video (threatening, ok) to Enemy Search Committee, asshole running against him? OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? 1980’S = change for a while. My last one was from Henry Priorities Campaign, 1350 Broadway, NY, NY, 10018. BLACK MAN = GREED? Louis Menkin and read something like,” Every -HEJIBNUCKLY WANKWOMPAH Like Ben Cohen, we at Deek Magazine feel it is our normal man has been tempted at times to... start Oh, ha ha ha, aren’t we fabulous. Aren’t we derisive. responsibility to make a political statement in these -RAQUALE PEPPER slitting throats.” Dear Deek, Aren’t we naughty, Mr. Ice Cream Man… hard times – to back a candidate for the presidency. Quote from a Trib reporter: Ben Cohen has, in the past, as previously noted, Dear Deek, -NICOLE NAAB “Hi, uh, Pittsburgh Center for the Blind? Th en, seven days later – oops – an enemy used his millions of dollars to cause himself So, i think the sun is setting on my fi nest hour Yeah, uh, I need to talk to... What the hell?... appears, devastating a country, alerting an extreme embarrassment and, at times, a and soon i will have to join the work force, Dear Deek, I don’t know, can you hear me? What the... entire nation that the borders of the U.S. are modicum of political pull. Th is year, still but for now i’m just reading books, bathing I’ll ask. I’d guess drinking is fi ne, drugs might Jesus fucking Christ. Uh, hello? Fucking deaf not as secure as we might like. Suddenly, manipulating those millions for political excessively and ...geez it really seems like that not be so fi ne. people, DOES ANYONE KNOW THE” [enter Pentagon budget increases are (more or gain, he’s backing Sen. John F. Kerry, list should be three things long, but I’m racking background voice, editor, Liz: “Fucking BLIND less) justifi ed, defense contractors are no simply because Kerry is not George W. my brain here. -MICHELLE BOVA people Reilly, not deaf”] “Oh, fuckin’ Jesus, longer desperate and, more frightening Bush. right. Hello? Hello? HELlo! Motherfuck... uh, than any challenge our nation has -LAUREN USHER Stroud, oh, uh... Yeah, uh, I need to speak to media faced in recent history, it seems we And us? Well, we must remind you Please don’t repeat what I said. I don’t mean relations... or something like that. Yeah babe, have become the target of steadfast, that Deek Magazine is fashioned to Dear Deek, to sound like a jagoff , but there are plenty of can you help?” virtually undetectable, maniacal express opinions, not create them – to Absolutely fucking horrible. I’m suggesting you other things to write about, rather than hearing adversaries – like boogiemen, allow you the freedom to chose your be shot. journalists bitch about journalists. -ANNONYMOUS attacking from anywhere, any time. candidate, not ours. But, having said Enter widespread, ridiculous fear and that, we have decided who we’re voting -BYATE NOGINSHARVUNKLE (on an art -JONATHAN BARNES paranoia; enter George W. Bush as, for in the upcoming election; we have submission Stroud commissioned about assassinating FUCKED UP LETTER OF THE MONTH: like it or not, “Wartime President.” sided with a candidate. He’s sexy… He’s Air Bud, the superdog (Tagline: He Sits. He Stays. Highlights from Deek rating session (stories DARWIN AWARD WINNER got your values in mind… He can sell He Shoots. He Scores. He is brutally murdered.) assessed on a 10 point scale): Which brings us back to the Cohen you a car if you need one… He’s… 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his letter. Strangely timed statement, yes? threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” Dear Deek, 1. It’s All About the $$$, Bitches Especially from a man whose only in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once Kerry? Bush? Nah, we’ve decided neither. Dude, after I came back from watching Rating: Negative infi nity. Fucking Terrible. qualifi cations as leader and politico again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix. Sanchez Deek Magazine supports, instead, Th e elephants do it, I got 90 (yes, actually 90) e- managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls are 1) his money, 2) his fascination with Politician – your man on the cover, who’s mails about my column because…it’s on the 2. How to Loath Yourself – Gets the f-word in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies politics, and, maybe, 3) control over a vast, waiting for you… Drudge Report. Holy crap. in there good and quick, like a construction upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine scrumptious dessert empire. worker. Reminds me of a retarded Denis with Sanchez’s balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.Sanchez, who immediately passed his Waiting to give you a jump. -MELISSA MEINZER Leary hitting himself on the head with a tack Sure, it’s obvious and necessary to point out that threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. hammer. Didn’t we print something like there was no way Ben Cohen could’ve known that Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer Dear Deek, this already? Maybe several times? Or am I his sardonic call-to-action would manifest itself inversely, Grope it, yeah, was more than a foot higher off the ground than his confusing it with something else that didn’t testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were the cryptically, as a representation of opinionated journalism Here is a list of all the things Deek is, in use a single goddamn paragraph break? weakest link. Sanchez’s balls ripped open during the sometimes coming out to bite the American people in the ass. We’re not, response to Nate’s request for “a list of all the things Deek means and/or is.” It is a short list, Rating: 2 fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and after all, accusing Cohen of instigating the World Trade Center attacks. remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle But it is necessary to point out that words and expression – not to mention but I believe in brevity. was compressed and fl attened as it was pulled between political affi liation – matter, and need to be thoroughly considered before 3. Is this a journal entry? I have a tough time the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery they end up in print, online, or on television. outrageous seeing why anyone who doesn’t know this inside. effi cacious kid would be interested in his reasons for To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and Th at said, by picking up this magazine, you’ve entered a new realm of political prodigious moving, and there’s nothing here to make intransient me care. People who constantly tell me how was using to balance himself.Sanchez was rushed to the journalism – reluctance. We at Deek Magazine understand that, for decades, hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was it has been said that Democrats and Republicans are merely diff erent money- meritorious unique they are make me suspicious. asked to leave the course. hungry gangs of a single “Business Party” truly governing the U.S. redoubtable Rating: 3 (Because it uses paragraphs). Note: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because Mateo Stroud darkandsexylikeCliveOwenbutmuchfunnier the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as Even America’s Offi cial Communist Fat Fuck, Michael Moore, once called Chief rendezvous 4. Voices from the Villagers – Uh, well, they a result of his qualifying (and hes the Biggest Fucking Bill Clinton “the best Republican President we’ve ever had,” describing a [email protected] A ha! appear to be letters. I’d fuck this Catelyn Moron on the Earths Face), he wins and thats that. number of issues – from fuel-economy standards to capital punishment P.O. Box 7502 Jass; she seems nice. Speak your piece: – on which the Clinton and early George W. Bush administrations had Pittsburgh, PA 15213 -EMILY AVENT Rating: 2 OK, Whatever, Dear Deek, [email protected]

6 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 ILLUSTRATION BY DOUG CRISSMAN NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 7 PUNK / COUNTERPUNK PUNK / COUNTERPUNK Punk Counterpunk

OUNG PEOPLE SUCK. MUCH make sure that we don’t just import more of of this is predicated, of course, on the dubious OLLEGE PEOPLE ARE FEW caps. Th ese are the kids who move back in with college kids. Th is is a city with spectacular colleges attention has been focused recently the same. Th ere’s no evidence to suggest that assumption that you would, in point of fact, and far between, and the city mommy and daddy every summer, and looked and universities, and that means temporary on the out-migration of young people young immigrants suck any less than their actually have a creative idea, and possess the would do well to keep them. at me like I was joking when, senior year, I said populations. It’s the nature of such an economy. Yfrom the Pittsburgh region, consuming counterparts that we allowed, nee encouraged, vision, guts and tenacity to implement it. College students, those brats whose I wanted to stay, despite having parents who While it’s irritating to be unable to park when signifi cant eff orts by everyone from state and to leave. Th ey have all the same characteristics. Th e missed opportunity symbolized by the Cmommies and daddies pay their live near...drum roll please...that urban utopia school’s in session, things would be an awful lot local government to the grand poobahs at the (See paragraph 3.) Instead, we’ll need to failed Lazarus department store described above rent and electric bills and parking tickets and of Philadelphia. “You’re not going back East?” bleaker around here if all the colleges shut down. Allegheny Conference and the Pittsburgh focus on the generation that’s ready to buy is not a missed opportunity elsewhere. Not young court costs, well, they’ll leave when they fi nish. Regional Alliance. real estate, that’s used to living in already people voting, of course (they suck everywhere), Th ey never considered the city to be anything I was asked, with more than one disbelieving Both curmudgeonly Punk and curmudgeonly Why? established urban areas instead of desecrating but opportunities in growth regions throughout other than some sort of brave experiment shake of the head. Counterpunk ought to reckanize. Young people, loosely defi ned here for the the remaining green spaces, that’s ready to the country are being created for young anyhow, for the most part. So they get their Th ey see a kitschy-ness here – one they think A lot of young people come through this sake of convenience as twenty-somethings, in reproduce, adopt, or otherwise populate K-12 people by old people, (i.e. those over 30, those degrees (some of them, anyway) and then is quaint and will suffi ce for the four more years city. Many would stay, if there were jobs. By fact contribute very little to the community. school buildings – those who have progressed who don’t read this magazine, those who are they go back to Philaburbia or Penciltucky or they sponge off mommy and daddy. “Guess and large, there aren’t, lest we forget that fact – Th ey tend towards near total self-absorption, to the point in their working life that they’re homeowners, voters, et cetera). All those places wherever else a job awaits them at mommy’s what? Th ey put French fries on their ‘sammiches’ which no one under thirty can rightly be blamed consuming alcohol and other mind-altering interested in purchasing something besides this that young Pittsburghers and visiting college fi rm or daddy’s company. Th e brain-drain that they get ‘dahntahn!’ Isn’t that funny?” for. Th ere are two battling cultures – one that substances at disproportionate rates, driving seasons’ clothes and this weeks’ hottest DVD. students are supposedly out-migrating to have hand-wringers should kiss them goodbye Th ey’ll drink free Penn Pilsner at events considers the city a playground for the young up auto insurance rates, paying virtually no Th ose are the kind of folks that are needed to created economic growth engines predicated not (good riddance?) and instead, concentrate on meant to convince them that Pittsburgh is a people privileged enough to go to college, and property or school taxes, disposing of nearly all of “grow the region.” Oh, and they vote. on an outdated industrial recruitment model their meager disposable incomes on disposable Twenty-somethings don’t vote. In massive (like Southwestern Pennsylvania), but on an those people who’ve always been here and plan real place, but nothing will convince them to one that lives and grows and dies here, and goods, and almost never voting for anything numbers. Th ey’re so inconsequential that intellectual property development model. Th ose to stay, and those who come here for college or stay. Th ey’re terrifi ed of anyone with diff erent knows its home. Th e city wouldn’t survive the in any election at any level. Th eir contribution pollsters don’t even ask their opinion on the ideas sometimes lead to the manufacturing of whatever else and decide to stick around. vowel pronunciation than them, and they loss of the dorm kids, irritating and juvenile as to the local community seems to be limited issues because they’re not even aware that durable goods (someone actually has to make We exist. In the interest of full disclosure, think mullets are compulsory here. Fuck ‘em. they may be. But blaming them isn’t entirely to urinating on South Side streets Th ursday there are issues. A recent survey revealed those robots that dispense pharmaceuticals in I must say that I in fact moved here from Send ‘em home. fair, because when they arrive here, they are through Saturday, (somewhat surprisingly not that the overwhelming majority of what hospitals), but that evolves naturally from the Philaburbia seven years ago to study at Pitt. But my esteemed Punk believes that no one children, and mostly children of some wealth, limited to just drunks of the male persuasion), twenty-somethings know about national and original idea. With the world-class educational After two years of being a dorm twit, I realized under thirty is capable of getting a job, or buying mostly children whose parents have agreed to and, in general, their universe is largely limited international aff airs consisted of whatever and medical institutions that already exist that no one over 16 ought to stay at sleep-away a home, or building a career here – or starting do the thinking and paying for them for at least to a fi ve-foot radius surrounding their genitals. they could remember from last night’s Jon in the Pittsburgh region, we could easily camp, even if it’s for two whole semesters a year. anything good and new and innovative (and, four more years. And they encounter crusty If this is the Creative Class, let them out- Stewart monologue. (Seriously. You can look exceed the economic development successes migrate in droves. it up.) And the reason given for not voting is of competing regions blessed with far less in So I cut the cords and moved to Pittsburgh. I ahem, last time I checked, dear esteemed Punk, bastards such as my esteemed Punk and myself, Th e usual argument for keeping these folks usually along the lines of “that stuff doesn’t the “eds and meds” sector. Th at would require got a full time job right out of college because your editor and mine was well under thirty). and a bleak job market, and they leave. Easy in town is most commonly based on a presumed really aff ect me,” or “those things don’t really public policy to support that approach to I decided that Pittsburgh was my home, and I So where’s the disconnect? Yes, Pittsburgh scapegoats, aren’t they? need to “grow the region” – a specious strategy interest me.” Well, it’s not all about you, economic development, which in turn requires was staying, dammit. I was never wooed by a is hemorrhaging money, and therefore jobs, and It’s a little easier to step over collegiate puke at best. Statistically, the out-migration from asshole; in addition, you’re completely wrong. elected offi cials with the foresight and intellect PUMP event. I just decided to be an adult here, opportunities to buy homes and fi ll those K-12 in the street, I think, and excuse the actions of Southwest Pennsylvania is about average for Government and politics may not interest to comprehend the wisdom of the strategy, because I love it, and because I was certainly schools. But those vilifi ed under-thirties my silly children – esteemed punk, were you ever the U.S. in general. It’s the in-migration that’s you, but they most certainly aff ect you, in which in turn requires voters who would benefi t part of the drunken howling masses for a few esteemed Punk wishes to blame? Um, yeah, they one? – than to cut off one of the city’s major lagging far behind the cities with which we virtually every aspect of your daily life. from those policies to get off of their collective years – for which I am truly penitent. It comes couldn’t vote when the festering incompetence lifelines, one of the few industries, along with hope to compete – an intriguing turn of events Young people, (who suck, by the way), posteriors and vote for said politicians… with age, I suppose, and maturity. that led us here was just beginning. So blaming the hospitals, that has us limping along. for a place and an economy essentially built by love to bitch about the lack of good paying Th e only good thing about young people is immigrants. Th e distinguishing factor appears jobs in Pittsburgh, (apparently a requirement that they don’t stay young. For those of you that Many of my peers are the same way. My best them is a little silly. But, by all means: Go ahead. to be that, historically, the founders were largely to add to their woefully inadequate CD the Cheney administration doesn’t get killed in friends from freshman year are here, and we all I respect my elders, and I haven’t pissed in the – MELISSA MEINZER “the good immigrants,” i.e. Caucasians from collection). Consider, just for a moment, what Iraq, you’ll eventually become old people, and moved here from relatively far away. We contribute. street since freshman year, when, admittedly, I Europe. Now that the group demographics the impact on the regional economy would by that time, hopefully you’ll have gathered We work here, we pay taxes here, we play here. We was subhuman and lived in a dorm and didn’t have shifted to “people of color,” the European have been if the politicians (whom you didn’t enough wisdom to make a positive contribution vote, we read newspapers, we know what ACT 47 count for anything. ancestors of those original immigrants have vote for, remember), had channeled the $70M to the world around you. God knows we’ve is. Some of them will move eventually, to pursue Both my esteemed Punk and I are being a bit suddenly become staunchly intolerant. Th e fact subsidy they gave to a now-vacant downtown already got enough old people who still don’t further education or career opportunities – but unfair, of course. Th ere are those college students that Asians and Hispanics have migrated to department store into a small business get it. Perhaps you’ll do better when your time while they’re here, they live here. who come to Pittsburgh with no intention large portions of the U.S. without taking our incubation program. If all of you Creative comes. But why wait? My esteemed Punk seems to fail to of staying, because they’ve always dreamed of jobs and raping our women has been largely Class types are as creative as Mr. Florida would lost on the descendants of Pittsburgh’s founding have us believe, the growth in jobs and personal (Not so) Respectfully submitted by: diff erentiate between the overwhelming living in China, or only came here because of fathers. (Mothers, as our history books would wealth-building from a $70M investment could majority of the college kids, who will hopefully our superior educational opportunities, or, hell, have us believe, apparently didn’t do much back have resulted in a signifi cant amount of fi lthy KENT A. EDWARDS grow out of it one day (but not until they have because their family ties are just that strong. then.) If this keeps up, when we do get around lucre ending up in your possession, for you to Old Person a corner cubicle and a townhouse and a leased Many of these kids are decent, temporary citizens to encouraging in-migration, all the good piss away in any manner you deem appropriate. Camaro in Delaware or wherever the hell they who spend a little money, patronize businesses, minorities will be taken, and we’ll be left with It didn’t happen, of course, because the crawled here from), and the young people who behave themselves and leave. It would be nice only Muslims. politicians that you didn’t vote for (because you P.S. Note to the Editors of Deek Magazine: Th is live here. It’s a disservice to both groups to to get them to stay, too. But they won’t, and my Th is seeming tangent on immigration didn’t vote at all, remember), chose to run up entire article only contains the word fuck once. lump them together. esteemed Punk and I are both guilty of directing policy is not unrelated. If we shift our focus the City’s long term debt load instead, which Just now. Grow up. Th e street-pissers, by and large, fi nd hostility at them that they don’t deserve. It’s not from hand-wringing over the departure of the will be left for you to pay off , if you end up aforementioned young people, we’ll need to sticking around (which we hope you don’t). All Pittsburgh to be a sort of clever joke, along their fault that Pittsburgh is in crisis and the the lines of Pabst Blue Ribbon and trucker pundits have pointed their fi x-it rays straight at

8 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 9 NEWSBRIEFS

Imaginary friend beaten to death by real friend the Encyclopedia of Jihad.” Th e encyclopedia was seized by Jordanian offi cials along with forged Saudi passports, detonators and 71 drums of WAPAKONETA, Ohio. – Quackers, noted imaginary friend of Lyle acid during a raid in Peshawar, Pakistan. Weissmuller, 6, was brutally beaten by Pierce Alfred Robinson, one of Weissmuller’s new friends from school. According to sources from the Insomniac geek shocked, but not upset, to learn of death Neil Armstrong Elementary playground, Robinson had been increasingly of Yellow Ranger jealous of the attention given to Quackers and decided that he must be eliminated. Weissmuller allegedly looked on in horror as friends, real and OXNARD, Calif. – During a late night of web-browsing, local geek imaginary, wrestled around on the kickball blacktop until Robinson gained Michael Sanderson, 23, was shocked to learn of the death of actress Th uy the upper hand for good and broke Quackers’ neck in two by tossing him Trang, who portrayed Yellow Ranger Trini Kwan on the popular series awkwardly across a broken tire swing. “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.”

“I thought he might be okay until Pierce stabbed him with a spork,” Sanderson had become curious about the fates of the original six cast recounted Billy Stepnoski, a classmate of Weissmuller and Robinson. members from the series after seeing the show mentioned on a late night rerun of VH1’s “I Love the 90s.” After a quick check of the Th e children all helped bury Quackers in a semi-private ceremony in the Internet Movie Database, Sanderson was able to track down each of “Story Forest” later that day after wiping away their mirthless tears. Robinson the show’s cast members, and was stunned to see that Trang had passed was sentenced to 83 days of indoor recess following the funeral. away in a September 2001 car accident, but felt no emotional remorse to learn of her death. Laboratory accidents still leading cause for super-villains “Trini was cool and all,” said Sanderson, “but the show really didn’t pick up METROPOLIS, D.C. – A recent study by the Center for Laboratory till she left and was replaced by Aisha.” Other fans echoed his sentiments, Safety has concluded that, for the sixty-sixth year in a row, laboratory many adding that no one cared about the Yellow Ranger when the Pink SHORTS accidents are still the leading cause for the nation’s super-villains. one was “so much hotter.” “From Mr. Freeze to the Lizard,” said Dr. Remo, Smokemeat of CLS, When attempted to be reached for comment, Austin St. John, who “laboratory accidents involving failed attempts to improve drastically the played Red Ranger Jason Scott, was unable to respond, as his phone had plight of man still serve as the leading cause of uncanny super-villainry.” been disconnected. Ahnuld tries to terminate groping urges profi le face While a variety of accidents have been blamed, most common are those that involve overly ambitious scientists seeking to end a global suff ering such as the loss of limbs or death itself. Wayward nuclear radiation and the HOLLYWOOD – Swept to power on a wave of Hollywood adulation, cloning of superheroes by megalomaniacal crime lords are the second and there was only one cloud on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s political horizon. During the bitter campaign to become the new governor of his adopted third leading causes, respectively. home state, California, Arnie ran into a storm of protest over his alleged Despite weight loss, Limbaugh’s genitals remain fl accid, sexual harassment of other candidates. unwashed Although the Austrian-born former body builder always insisted his tactile FT. LAUDERDALE – According to an anonymous source close to radio approach was nothing more than harmless fun, the accusations that he talk show sensation Rush Limbaugh, his genitals remain fl accid and groped politicians tarnished his Hollywood nice-guy image. unwashed due to lack of use in spite of his recent weight loss. Limbaugh, once nearly three-hundred pounds, has lost over eighty pounds using Nor did it do him any favors in Washington where White House Press the wonder drug Cortislim. However, this has not enhanced his sex life, Secretary Scott McClellan claimed Arnie touched his breasts when he according to the source, and the health of his genitals has suff ered from it. interviewed him in 2000 when he was promoting his fi lm, Th e Sixth Day.

“Rush used to complain that he could never get any action because of his Today, the man whose movies have grossed more than a billion dollars weight,” the source said. “Now though, he still can’t muster up a date and admits, for the fi rst time, just how seriously he took the charges that nearly has given up on the maintenance of his [penis and testicles].” derailed his ambitions.

Limbaugh recently divorced his third wife, and the source says he was And he confesses he took special classes to cure himself of the urge to get looking forward to going back “on the prowl.” No confi rmation on how touchy-feely with opposing candidates. often Limbaugh washes his genitals, but the source admits it is infrequently “I’ve learned my lesson,” he reveals. “I think that now that I am not because they have become “quite cheesy” in scent. Th e source wouldn’t representing myself but representing the state of California, it is a totally reveal how she came across the information, but said she noticed the smell diff erent ball game. DDEEK:EEK: CCHAMPIONSHAMPIONS OFOF POLITICSPOLITICS during home deliveries of “pharmaceuticals.” 9/11 Commission fi nally acknowledges Deek’s Encyclopedia “When I took offi ce, the fi rst thing we did was to take classes and have experts of Jihad come in to talk about sexual harassment because the laws are so strict now.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Inside the 9/11 Commission Report, authorship “It has changed so much that any kind of a comment you make to a candidate of the infamous Encyclopedia of Jihad is given to Deek. According to page now about his clothes or about this or that could be misinterpreted and SSHORTSHORTS 175 of the report, Deek “created an electronic version of a terrorist manual, could make someone uncomfortable and open the door to a lawsuit.”

NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 11 Shorts

“Unfi t for Command.” I now believe her. I’m losing the mood here. (Although, all those strangely placed paper cuts I mean, the book, the girl, it’s all… missing should’ve been a clue.) something. But I can’t correct her! Now I need to do this myself. What do I She looks up at me quizzically – I guess she say? Can I be enough of a pundit to get this noticed it too. gorgeous woman off ? But who am I kidding? I’m no Robert Novak, L. Brent Bozell… damn, if we A quiet moment. had one of them here, we’d really be cooking – We’re not politically affi liated – she’s not an “What’s your favorite qualifi cations in a elephant, I’m not a donkey. We just love the political candidate?” free exchange of ideas – doesn’t matter who’s I assault her neck, begin biting her ears – talking, as long as they’re saying something that “A strong, no-nonsense leader who never gets us off . backs down. Never surrenders, and never Even though this isn’t an election we have in changes his mind –” She screams my name, over and over again bed, I feel bad that all of my voters didn’t show – I kiss her, then leave my tongue on her as I lick up at the polls. down, slowly – Th en she smiles at me again – “A compassionate, charismatic leader who “What are your qualifi cations for a President-? gets results. Who isn’t afraid to…” And freedom is marching on yet again. She yells with me, banging her head against I lay back – she fi lls in the blacked-out the bed stand with each orgasm – portions of my fantasies – “STAY! THE! COURSE!!!” “A tough leader that’s clever, above all She falls back, satiated. Her eyes droopy then closed, a beatifi c, child-like crooked grin else –” on her face. Yes. “Okay,” I think to myself. “I think that part “He’s charismatic. Much more than a was a success. Do we go for broke?” regular person.” I look at her. I hate to disturb anything Baby, don’t stop. that hopeful. “He explains things simply, but you know “Let’s appeal to some swing voters,” a they’re complicated, and he’s a step ahead of rallying cry in my mind. “Time for some selective polling…” everyone else.” “Uhhh… is it, could it be… my turn, More. Please. now?” I stutter. She gets up on her elbows and “He believes in God, but it never infl uences looks at me. his policy decisions, and he never makes it a part “All right…” she mutters, and pulls out from of his campaign –” under her pillow… oh my God, I don’t believe I’ve been dreaming of this since I got that it. I’ve dreamed of this for so long – poster of Maureen Dowd. Kitty Kelley’s “Th e Family: Th e Real Story “He not only believes in the promise of of the Bush Dynasty.” I gulp deep. America, he is the promise of America because “Lay back.” She says – and pushes my back he’s smart, successful, tough, and no matter to the wall. what, he reserves the right to –” Again, I don’t want to get too graphic. I fi nish the sentence with her, screaming my “There are three sources that Laura Bush ecstasy in tandem with her tolerance: sold pot when she was in college,” as her “CHANGE! HIS! MIND!” hand is… you know. The “Victory Brand We both fall back on the bed, spent. She Baby Oil” is used liberally… with shock and some words. awe, so to speak. puts her arm around my stomach, and drifts off Living With a Fetish I recite a couple passages. She rubs her She reads more of the book, and I’m to sleep. I close my eyes. nipples. grooving on it – I’m digging on it – I’m in it, But I can’t sleep. I look around the bed, By Greg Benevent “Th is is going well,” I think. man – I love this country, more than anything. at the mess we’ve made – liquids and pages, IVING WITH A FETISH IS AN EXERCISE IN MAKING If I was lucky, they’d laugh. “America is the greatest and proudest nation Isn’t this what the founding fathers had in mind Hannity and Kelley, all mixed together, in the world, and the last thing we should ever other things in your life important. Wake up on time (fetish) If not… all those years ago? So what if it’s partisan, so beneath and between our intertwined bodies. do is feel guilty about it, no matter what the what if it’s all, from both sides, mostly jealously go to your offi ce (fetish) work all day (fetish) remember, today But I found this girl online, a singles-dating site for people of… my She mumbles something in her sleep, peaceful liberals may think—” and fear – aren’t those very important feelings Lyou’re supposed to register to vote (fetish) and get home and cook kind of feelings. She says she’s into it. I breathe deep and close my eyes – and gentle. I love her so much. “More!” She grinds herself against me. and ideas? Aren’t those part of the foundation dinner, and try to sleep. “Do you want this?” I ask her – It’s time like this I forget about getting off Every day, every moment, the throbbing passion, the electrical pulse, “More!” It’s hard to focus on the reading, (she of America, too? Th e free expression of ideas – She kisses me hungrily. That isn’t enough for me. But what said she needs it read to her in an authoritative, with no one to hold them back, all opinions out on politics at all. It’s kind of silly, really. It might the ticking-ticking bomb is waiting to ignite, to grow, to smile. the hell…? I go straight from work to my newest girlfriend’s house. I wordlessly deep voice. I’m trying real hard.) there, not just bared – but roaring. Passionate, even be counterproductive, but… in regards to “Give it to me –” she growls hungrily. pull her to the bedroom. “The ‘Blame America First’ crowd needs loud – people defending and fi ghting for what? I eventually get to sleep myself, my fetish We push the dog off of the bed and she jumps on. She claws off the last I reach under her pillow, and pull out a copy of “Let Freedom Ring: to wake up and realize all they do is make freedom. Isn’t that what this is all about? Isn’t impeached for a little while. But there’s another Winning the Fight Against Terrorism, Imperialism, and Liberalism” by buttons of my shirt. I hold her head steady, by the chin. I’m so nervous – she’s us weaker –” it... hot? Just because something has a little throbbing in my head, one I can’t quite place – Sean Hannity. wanted this for so long (so have I), but… I’m so afraid. Every time I’ve revealed She can’t take it. She grabs the book from dirt on it, does that make it any less beautiful, Was there something else I was supposed my… somewhat peculiar sexual tastes to a girl, they’ve reacted poorly. “I want it.” She moans. me, and rubs it on herself. patriotic, erotic? I love it – Look, I don’t want this to get too graphic, so I’ll… substitute (She told me she’d ruined four copies of Except I don’t. to do today?

12 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 13 Shorts Shorts George And John Go To The Movies The Day I Tried To Win

By Jesse Hicks By Mac Booker

N THE FINAL MONTH OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, JOHN KERRY AND GEORGE W. BUSH HAVE HAD A LOT ON Y FIRST, AND THUS FAR ONLY, POLITICAL in the railing on the back porch.” their minds. Preparation for the presidential debates has been brutal, as has the constant barrage of media attention. We at Deek Magazine, ever campaign began around eleven in the morning, May “Would you vote for me?” Th e answer to this one was usually “Sure, good citizens, off ered the candidates a chance to unwind, to sit down and watch a few great movies about the war that defi ned a generation: Viet- 21, 2002. I would have slept later, but it was a primary why not.” Some people were tougher. One woman asked Sal where he I nam. Popcorn was served, and the President did not choke on it. Following are excerpts from the conversation. Melection and I had to vote. When you’re a Supervoter, you stood on abortion, as if the Democratic Committeeman of the eleventh jealously guard that status – if you lose it, you don’t get junk mail from district of the seventh ward of Allegheny County had the power to the parties anymore. appoint Supreme Court justices. Apparently Sal, a good Catholic who I don’t know who came up with the term Supervoter, but I like it. It listens to the Pope, answered incorrectly. Neither that woman nor her means you always vote. I know most of the Supervoters in my district from girlfriend voted for him. hanging around the polls as a kid. When the polls closed, I used my insider’s power to check out the I went down to the polls and ran into Sal Desimone, the Democratic rolls of paper from the voting machines. I don’t know if that’s legal or County Committeeman for the eleventh district of the seventh ward. not, but 22 years of hanging around the polls had its benefi ts. I got a I live in the twelfth district, a little triangle bordered by Shady, Penn total of seventeen votes for me, and one against. Th at was the decision of and Fifth Avenues. We have some old houses and a couple of schools. the offi cials, although I am pretty sure that whoever voted for “Th e guy Sal’s district has a school and an armory. We are a well educated and outside” intended to vote for me. well armed neighborhood. I’ve held this offi ce for two years and I stand behind my record. My Before voting, I realized that no one held, or was running for, the fi rst act as Committeeman was a meeting where local pain in the ass Democratic Committee seat in the twelfth district. Unacceptable. How Barbara Ernsberger, a lawyer who hopes for a judgeship, was running for could I, a Supervoter, allow my little triangle to be unrepresented? Also, I re-election as seventh ward chair. I supported the “anybody but Barbara” didn’t work that day and it’s illegal to serve booze while the polls are open, ticket, but we lost. No one else wanted the job. so I had nothing else to do. For the rest of 2002 and most of 2003 I did nothing for the Th e seat was a family aff air. My father held it, but resigned when committee but ignore Barbara Ernsberger’s letters inviting me to he supported a Republican, the estimable Jim Roddey, for County inconvenient meetings. A meeting came along that I was able to attend, Executive. My mother holds the counterpart seat. You would think to discuss our Christmas card. I would get the seat automatically, and possibly a cushy job in the My mother couldn’t make it, so I took a golf club to stand in for her. I prothonotary’s offi ce. No. I actually had to get people to vote for me. I thought about putting a wig on it, but I didn’t have one. started by voting for myself. “Is that a golf club?” the photographer gasped. So, with the fi rst vote cast for me at 11:30, I had to get to work. As a Well, of course it was. It was a driver from the Sheriff ’s auction. With write-in candidate I needed fi fteen votes to be elected, so I had to convince attention drawn to it, Barbara objected. fourteen members of the Democratic party to write me in. “You can’t have a golf club on the Christmas Card.” Sal and I teamed up. He was also running, so we accosted everyone Why not? who came by. “Because I say so.” Apocalypse Now Redux Full Metal Jacket Platoon “Are you a Democrat?” If no, let their Republican asses by. We did stop Why? one Libertarian, who was voting for god knows what. “Because it’s stupid.” John Kerry: Director Francis Ford Coppola John Kerry: Who amongst us has not seen and George W. Bush: Back at Yale we always used to “What district do you live in?” Th is one stumped people. It seemed I called for a vote on the inclusion of the club. Despite a strong has added almost 53 minutes of new footage loved this movie? say, “I love the smell of poontang in the morn- Sal and I were the only Supervoters who knew our assigned districts. Th e show of support from the photographer, who either liked the club for to this version. ing!” Heh heh heh. George W. Bush: Kubrick is fucking tight. Me people who live in the districts that share our polling place usually just some artsy reason or had been overcome by the traditional instant George W. Bush: Including a scene on a French love this movie long time! go up to one of the tables and ask if their name is on the list. If not, dislike for Barbara Ernsberger, I lost the battle. The club was put chateau. Isn’t that where you spent most of John Kerry: Th at’s from Apocalypse Now, George. that means their district is represented by the other table. To straighten aside, and no other sporting equipment was allowed. Vietnam, John? Being French? Eating “waffl es?” John Kerry: Is it true that only steers and queers things out, we’d ask where the person lived. In most cases, Sal had been in On the strength of this record, I’ll be running for re-election in *snicker* come from Texas, George? George W. Bush: C’mere, you! school with someone who had lived in the Supervoter’s house. He would two years. say things like “Is the avocado refrigerator still in the kitchen?” and “I put Reserve your lawn signs now. John Kerry: It’s funny you mention the French, George W. Bush: Well, I ain’t no steer. George W. Bush puts John Kerry in a headlock and George. Th e French invented champagne al- playfully wrestles him to the ground, where they try most 300 years ago. Coincidentally, your Na- John Kerry: Exactly. Any “sock parties” in the to smear popcorn in each others faces. Finally, they tional Guard unit – the one charged with keep- Guard, George? both collapse, exhausted by the eff ort. Th ey catch ing Texas airspace safe from the Viet-Cong – was their breath, both looking up at the ceiling, their known as the “Champagne Unit” and fi lled with George W. Bush: Panty raids, more like. Get the sons of elite Texans who didn’t want their much play in ‘Nam, John? Or were you too animosity momentarily forgotten. Th ere’s a certain kids fi ghting in ‘Nam. busy polishing your purple hearts? I hear you wistfulness in their eyes, a realization that soon got, like, a thousand of them. *snicker* it will all be over. George W. Bush turns to John George W. Bush: I think in this scene Dennis Kerry and, with the utmost sincerity, says, “John, Hopper is wearing fl ip-fl ops. *chortle* this has really been fun.”

14 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 15 DDEEK:EEK: CCHAMPIONSHAMPIONS OFOF POLITICSPOLITICS FFEATURESEATURES

HOW TO RESURRECT OUR NATIONAL PRIDE By Randall DeVallance Photos by Rob Gray As the fi lm Miracle showed us, the hockey players might be born. What things like he sees them, brings his key to curing a sagging economy, people need is a Team USA that lunch to work in a pail, and drinks soaring unemployment, strained refl ects their present reality, a team with both fi sts. foreign relations, and general pes- with poor hygiene and weight issues, simism about the future lies in ice who resent their spouses and drink An illegal, Mexican immigrant play- hockey. But in this age of “Dream too much at offi ce parties. It should ing to win citizenship for his family. Teams” made up of big name NHL also be a cross section of the nation A returning player from the great stars, do international hockey it represents, incorporating players 1980 squad whose work ethic and competitions still resonate as they of every demographic, including, never-say-die attitude prove that old once did in the heart of the common but not limited to: people can still contribute to society. man? Th e answer, sadly, is no. But An Asian player of some sort (prefer- by adhering to the steps listed below A young, black male growing up ably one who’s bad at math, thereby and applying a little elbow grease, in the ghetto who uses hockey as a helping to dispel stereotypes). I’m confi dent that we as a nation means of escaping the drugs and vio- can channel the spirit of that most lence that plague his neighborhood. Th e remaining roster should be magical of times, a time when gas An established fi gure skater who fl eshed out with individuals of vary- shortages reigned, New Wave was dazzles the coaches with his fancy ing skin tones, turning any camera born, and a former actor turned footwork and stick handling, chang- shot of the bench into a microcosm politician brought his mix of faith- ing his teammates’ attitudes towards of the rainbow (both literal and based lunacy and nuclear weapons to homosexuality in the process. metaphoric) that stretches from the White House. I’m talking about one end of our great country to the 1980. A naïve farm boy from Kansas who other. Okay, we’ve got our players. struggles to focus on the develop- On to step two. Recruit a ragtag group of misfi ts. ment of his skills while coming to terms with life in the big city. Bring them together as a team. Can the auto mechanic in Dayton, A hardnosed (yet strikingly beauti- Ohio or the grocer in Bangor, Maine ful) female player who delivers a With a lineup so disparate there are really relate with the modern NHL jarring hit during the fi rst practice bound to be problems, especially athlete? Th e answer is...of course session, thereby proving she can early on before the head coach (a not, don’t be stupid. Whereas the “play with the big boys.” hockey legend and WWII vet) has professional hockey player is a being a chance to deliver some platitudes of heroic qualities – dedication, hard A Native American phenom who about America being a melting pot work, talent, good looks, sexual deft- led his reservation’s squad to back- and diversity being the reason he ness – the average blue-collar worker to-back Wyoming state champion- fought the Nazis. Certain situations is largely a drone, one indistinguish- ships, but remains largely unknown can alleviate some of this tension able from another, existing only to because of racial insensitivity. and bring the players closer together. perpetuate the species so that future A former steel mill worker who calls For instance, the gay man might

NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 17 teach the hardened steel worker that it’s okay to cry over Find an opponent to vanquish. his abusive father, leading the steel worker to defend the gay man in a barroom altercation the following night. Now comes the most important question: Or the young black male, with his years of street smarts, which nation to conquer? Saddam is in cus- might convince the Kansas farm boy that a life of drugs tody, and most of the other fascist regimes we and fast women is “straight up wack.” Th e woman support. All the coaxing in the world won’t teaches the others not to judge a book by its cover, while get Osama on the ice. Hopeless? Well, you the Native American reminds us all of the need for know what they say: If it ain’t broke, don’t fi x accountability. By combining their knowledge and ex- it. Communism did the trick in ’80, so why periences, the players will come to realize that the whole not now? I’m talking, of course, about Cuba. is much stronger than the individual parts. A bond has Never mind that the Communist Party poses been formed. On to step three. as much a threat today as the Fraternal Order of Moose. Cuba is a familiar foe, led by Fidel Practice, practice, practice! Castro, a man with half a century of despotic supervillain experience. With his bushy beard Now that your players are a team, time to hone their and ever-present cigar, Fidel is the model of skills. Run them through a series of unorthodox drills a man who despises freedom. What better to designed to improve their hearts and minds, not just teach him the error of his ways than a ninety- their bodies. Read to them from the Rubaiyat of Omar mile-an-hour slapshot through his fi ve hole? Anti-Castro Khayyam. Make them volunteer at a soup kitchen. Th en sentiment can easily be rekindled through a series of it’s time to hit the ice. Improvement can be acceler- Dateline interviews, where crippled Cuban children now ated by utilizing a video montage, showing a bumbling living in Miami recount the horrors of crossing the Gulf troupe of roustabouts slowly morph into a well-oiled in the bowels of a cargo liner. Schedule the interviews to hockey machine. Marvel as your players go from zero to appear the week preceding the big game. You’re almost Mario Lemieux in a matter of seconds. You’re ready to there. Move on to step fi ve. play. On to step four. Sit back and watch as your team overachieves.

If you’ve followed the aforementioned steps, this one should take care of itself. As the goals pour in, the national mood skyrockets, and Communism is dealt another, fatal blow. America is saved!

(Note: If national mood is still lagging a bit, cue “We Are Th e Champions” to play exactly as fi nal buzzer sounds. Advise players to wave fl ags in celebration. Any romantic sub-plots should be brought to conclusion with a marriage proposal at center ice.)

18 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 19 CHASING ANN COULTER BY GREG BENEVENT

My hands can’t move at all. Are they tied? I’m blindfolded, I know that. Shouldn’t I be able to chafe the rope? My legs are tied. I’ve tried kicking them. Can I move my hands – “Don’t try that.” Th e fi rst voice, it’s I blubber again, a torrent of words “Give him a name. Give them funny hand through his hair, his forehead lower, harder. And the cold metal tumble out of my mouth, chasing names. Like she taught you. Nothing’s slides along his forearm, towards again. I stop wriggling instantly. each other in fear. scary when it has a funny name, is the keyboard. His head pops up He doesn’t strike me with the “gun, it?” my mind points out. in anger, his hair fl ies all akimbo it has to be a gun,” my mind says. “I didn’t! I love him! I love him so – I love when he looks like this, the I don’t get hit with it, it’s just held much! I love and support everything “Your husband really cares about Mad Professor. “I’m a libertarian, against my skin. I pray in my head. Frank does.” Th e metal is tapped you,” the 2nd one, Smalls, continues. Christ, I’m a moderate, but under against my forehead. “Why would you do that to him?” this current administration, I’m “Dear Lord, keep me safe, and give “I love him, but…” a goddamn radical! When did me strength… and don’t let me wet “Th en why are you always running everything move this far away from myself.” I think, deep down, the around with those…” Th e fi rst A kick in the leg. A warning shot. I sanity, and moderation? Uniter my Lord appreciates a little humor. My one seems like he’s about to say think First did it – “What’s his name? ass.” He gets up to pace. He points eyes itch from crying underneath something, something he can’t say ’Randy?’ ‘Meany?’ ‘Dopey? Th at’s it! at the TV, and doesn’t look at me: the blindfold. He must have given because it disgusts him too much, Dopey!” I feel him breathing down me strength, because I fi nd myself because he’s worried about what on me. “Turn that off . I can’t think.” saying: saying the word would do to his throat, his tongue, and his face. “But what?” he says, softly. I turn hopefully – “I could turn it “What do you want from me?” much down?” tougher than I would’ve imagined. “Republicans,” the 2nd one, (“why do “Not to get melodramatic on you “Is that you, Abby, saying this?” you think of him as smaller, Abby?”) here, sister, but how can you answer He shakes his head. Th at isn’t good fi nally says. “Why are you always a question you don’t know in your enough. I turn the TV off . “Uhh…” the fi rst one says. Th ere’s with those Republicans?” heart?” I tilt my head up to him – I whispering. I can’t make it out. can see black shoes from the bottom He speaks his thoughts, almost “I love my husband…” I whisper, of my blindfold. whispering – quietly and quickly, “We want you to renounce your “I don’t know what you’re talking as if giving them life will lead him beliefs.” Th e fi rst one states. I’m so about. Th ere aren’t any Republicans. Smalls sighs. “How could you do somewhere: “What am I going to cold. I don’t know what –” this to him? After what he did for write? Question the administration? you back in college?” Say out loud that the Iraq war was “What… do you mean?” I whisper. “Shut up!” the fi rst one roars. I based only on mistakes, and no Th e cold metal. Against my forehead. cringe against my chair instinctively. A cold shudder through me. Another. one’s been held accountable?” He I gasp. I can’t move, I can’t see, but I’m still God, I want to move. “What? Th ere’s chuckles, and walks around the trying to hide. no way he could –” room – “Th at Bush is a good man, “Why did you leave your husband…” “I’m not a liberal writer! Jesus, I’m a good, decent man, but no one the coldness runs down my neck. “Your husband loves you,” the 2nd one – not even a democrat!” He runs his that religious should be President? 20 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBERTh 2004 at religion – DEEK:POLITICS should never UNDER 21 CIRCUMSTANCES dictate a single “But I loved him… you don’t know to emotions – to primal, basic things – “Let me fi nish, Frank! For once in “Okay, Frank. Okay.” “Have it your Th e lights. Th e colors. And all the people want to wave my banners anymore. I compassion, with the best people in the decision?” anything.” I say, more petulantly everyone can feel. Home. Pride. Love. my life, let me talk!” way!” I almost said to him. “I’ll – they’re so happy, smiling, dancing. don’t want to care about this – I don’t. world. What do you say?” than I wanted. “Now what do you Family. Faith. Th ese are things all be going to my cousin’s house this Laughing. Th ere’s so much laughing, It’s all a lie. Th ese are just frightened “I like Bush’s faith –” I mumble. I want with me?” people feel, that everyone loves.” She Silence. He stares straight forward. evening.” and confi dence – it’s a family. A big people, scared, who can’t believe in I’m so taken aback, I don’t know what know he can’t hear me. It doesn’t says elegantly, simply. She reaches for one. A gigantic one, that doesn’t just fi ll themselves, so they’re desperate for to say. I blurt out, without thinking – matter. More whispering – I can make out the salt, her hand brushes mine. “I’m not saying it’s over, I just need He puts his head in his hands. “Tears, this stadium, it fi lls my heart. I’d give something else to believe in, and they’ve the word “time.” a break. Maybe… this is the end, I Frank! Show me some goddamn tears! anything for these people to love me. bought into all of this bullshit. I yell out “But my husband –” “Watch a movie with me. You’ll feel “But don’t the people on the left don’t know. But I can’t be here now. Let me know that you have a heart, for a couple times, “Th e Iraq War is a Lie! better.” I smile up at him. He rolls Smalls: “Okay, let’s say I believed believe in those things, too?” She I love you Frank, I need you to make Christ sake!” But when he looks up, Th is is what the Super Bowl must be Th e Iraq War is a Lie! Th e Iraq –” “He’s what made you strong, Abby. his eyes. you. Th at you did love him. And you smiles at me, a teacher beaming me complete. I think. But I need a his eyes are dry. He looks tired, and a like, or a rock concert, but I’ve never Look at these people, everyone here. were going to see Ann Coulter… down at a slow student. break, okay?” He still looks forward. little older somehow. been to either one. All I know is that To hell with it: None of them are How many of us do you think could “Please. I can’t watch that crap you why? Because you never got to “Frank, if there’s anything you have I was never born until I came to the listening anymore. live with a liberal for that long? “But watch. Adam Sandler? Julia Roberts? experiment with drugs? You weren’t “Maybe. Probably. Maybe not. How to say, you can talk now.” “I’ll help you pack.” He said – Republican convention, and now I he’s not a liberal – shut up, Abby!” Shoot me in the face.” the prom queen? Who knows?” can you tell from their rhetoric? never, ever, want to leave. I dump my little campaign bag by the “No one could take that constant Look –“ She grabs my hand, I can’t He looks at me, he ducks his head. side door, and walk out – criticism, and second-guessing, and I shrug, not sure what to do. He leans into me, I can smell think/concentrate. “Th e left makes It looks like he’s fi ghting tears, I I scream – one of them squeezes Ann speaks in the afternoon – as hard thinking things through. None of us something on his breath – garlic? it an intellectual game. You have to can’t tell. He looks up at me. I can’t my arm so much oh God oh God it as it is to walk away from that fl oor I Where I’m stopped by security. could live with that. All that pain of “But people are afraid now, of this “How do they know all of this?” I think about it – the right makes it take this anymore – “Say something, HURTS – have to see her, to listen to her again. doubting yourself, your religion, your terrorist stuff , so now they can’t think think for the millionth time. “What, about emotions. Th ere’s no thinking Frank!” To listen to her speeches and just believe “Where are you going, ma’am?” President… that makes you stronger, straight. Th e Republicans didn’t you still can’t believe that Frank involved. You just follow your heart.” “Let go of me, PLEASE!” I cry out. I in something again – to feel something Abby. It makes you worth more to us, have an issue where they could be would –” “Okay.” whimper. I can’t help it. again, to know that America is number And I don’t know how to answer him. and we want you with us so badly. We ‘tough’ after the fall of Communism, I’m nodding dumbly, to keep up with one A-OK the best and nothing can “Home, to the husband who was right?” could love you, Abby.” so they became the party of ‘morals,’ Even if I believed all that, why would the beating of my own heart. I feel dizzy. Smalls (I think) taps the gun against ever, ever change that, unless we doubt “To my cousins?” “To kill myself?” Any and ‘religions,’ despite the sexual you go to dinner with her after the my nose: ourselves and let others kill us because of them feels like the wrong answer, with And I can’t think straight, just hearing proclivities of Newt Gingrich – and show? “Do you, Abby, want to follow “Th at’s it?” we have to change anything – just a trace of the right one in each – her say that. One little voice in my then terrorism fell in their laps.” He your heart?” “Is that your story, Abby?” head screams – “Oh right, like they just chuckles to himself. I take a minute to respond. He shrugs, his eyes downcast. But that doesn’t make any sense – shut One of them starts to frisk me, and I don’t want to exploit the wife of a left- “Yes, yes, it is, yes it’s all true –” and up, Abby. Don’t ruin this or think recoil, both physically and mentally leaning columnist” – but that voice is “Now I sound like one of the “But you don’t understand, she’s –” “And I went home to my husband! “You do what you have to. I’ll be suddenly, the blindfold dips a little, about it. when – immediately silenced. goddamn enemies of freedom.” I could’ve went with Ann, I could’ve waiting for you here when you and I can see over the top it now, hung out! I could’ve learned so much change your mind.” instead of the bottom – And Ann is wonderful. I had to see her “She’s with me.” I look into Ann’s eyes. I gasp softly as she I look at him strangely – “What Engaging. She’s the most… amazing more from her but I went home and again. She’s so powerful, she’s so strong squeezes my hand, and holds it. Ann did you say? You’re not an enemy of person I’ve ever met. Funny, smart, had sex with my husband!” I scream at “But, Frank…” I trail off . “But Frank “I can see you sons of bitches now!” I up there, and yet she still reminds us that I turn – is holding my head, Rick Santorum freedom; you love this country –” beautiful, but… there’s something else Dopey and Smalls. my ass! Get the hell up! Why aren’t you almost scream – almost. feminism is wrong. I hate our enemies. is speaking, and I’m in New York for about her. It’s obvious that it’s there, fi ghting me on this?” I love our friends. She’s amazing, and Ann! the fi rst time. Th is is my real birthday, He laughs, and comes to sit by me. right as you meet her – shaking hands “Well gee,” Dopey drawls, “I guess Th e fi rst thing I think: “Don’t think she has to be right. my true baptism: not into life, but into after she spoke at Graham Chapel as we can’t argue with that.” “If this is what you think you need, about this right now, Abby. Pretend you She’s here! She came for me! She didn’t heaven… “I know, I know. I love America. It’s part of the Assembly Series. And the then… I can’t stop you.” “Frank you don’t see them again. Pretend you’re still I almost go up to talk to her during forget after all! all this… right wing noise monster. way she smiles – her handshake is so Silence. asshole! Stop thinking about it, and do in the dark. You don’t want to know the speech, but I waited in my seat, Th ese people are very smart.” soft, compared to the harsh power of something! Show me you care about me! who they are. You could be wrong. as hard as it was. Even though I was And she whisks me away to her box. I sit tied to the chair, and looking at her eyes. Th ere is something else about I can’t take this anymore. I can’t just Get up and stop me, goddamnit! Lord, You could be drugged. Th is could be a down in the front, there’s a big line of She has a great view, I can see the stage Smalls and Dopey. Th ey don’t know Like who? I asked him. her, something half hidden like an sit here and listen to them – “Jesus I apologize for the swear…” dream. I bet it isn’t who it looks like – well-wishers in front of me by the time so much better than I could before! I see them – “you can’t see them, Abby! iceberg in the ocean, and you see it Lord honey, did Frank hire these guys, I get up the nerve to talk to her again, And all of her friends are so funny, so Just think you can’t see them -!” and I Ann Coulter, he said… while she’s ordering eggs at a twenty- and tell them absolutely everything “I love you, Abby. I love you so “I know who it is – I’m so shy. good-looking, so witty, I feel like an old don’t know what to do. four hour diner. Th ere is something about the two of you?” I have to get much. You’re the thing I care about woman who fi nally got to be a princess, else about her – something detached out of here – the most in this world, but – “But if “You’re probably wrong, Abby. How She looks at me,, and shakes the hand of Cinderella in Red. Suddenly, the door in the room “And so you went to see her talk?” from her militaristic sarcasm, and her you fucking cared about me you’d do could you be right? Just realize, you’re the person after me. I can feel my heart opens. In walks – “You can’t see who Smalls thunders at me. beautiful image – there’s something Wait. something about it! If you cared about out of it. I’m sure you’re wrong. Th ere’s breaking, and falling onto the fl oor. “You aren’t happy at home, are you?” it is, Abby! Just say to yourself you can’t more than just the dissonance, as if me that much, you’d show it, instead of nothing wrong in pretending, there’s She doesn’t recognize me. Or, she does Ann says. see who it is –” “I was curious, I just wanted to…” her two sides are so incongruous, they “Look, if this is about that argument just thinking it, or saying it!” nothing wrong in not knowing, just recognize me, and doesn’t want to talk my voice trails off . I have no idea give birth to something else altogether, last week with Frank, I can explain.” so long as what you’re feeling is always to me. I reach out my hand, starting to I blush again, she’s always making And I hear a voice in my head, that what I was trying to say. something you can’t quite fi gure out, “But you have to do what feels right right –” hyperventilate: me do that – maybe that’s because of sounds a little like my husband’s: but damnit, you have to – “Please do.” for you.” something in your own heart you can’t “You just wanted to piss him off ? He – “Smalls, Abby! His name is “Hello, Ann. We… talked in the diner.” admit – shut up shut up shut up – “Come on, Abby. If you’re going to sell You just wanted to be an asshole?” “It’s the power of words, Abby.” She “You don’t understand, that –” “Please, Frank. Please stop me –” Smalls now!!” grabs my arm again. I Frank out, sell yourself out, then at Dopey snarls at me – says to me, scooping her scrambled cry out, again – “Okay. Did you enjoy the speech?” least admit to yourself, just once what eggs with a fork. “Th e most obvious “Th at I just can’t do this anymore, “You’re a grown, beautiful woman. “If you come with us, Abby, you’ll be you’re looking at, then go from there, “No! I loved him!” One of them attraction to the ‘Right’ is the Frank. I need a break.” You have your own mind, and – “Abby,” he hisses into my ear, “we “Yes, umm… you made me believe in accepted.” huh doll?” snorts. viscerality of the language.” know you didn’t go to your cousin’s home, and love again.” He sits on the couch, looking at me. “Frank! Be a man –” house.” I look at her as if struck. Come with Okay, Frank. Just once. “No! I did! You can’t ignore that! I “Huh?” I say, as amazed by her words I’m pacing around the room now, She gives me a strange look, then nods, them? cooked dinner every night! I left my as I am by her. She looks at me and standing over him, making direct eye “I think it’s a bad idea. But I’ll be I’d whip my head around in shock, smiling slightly, and shakes hands with Ann Coulter walks in the door. She friends behind so I could marry him, smiles, I almost blush from feeling contact. waiting for you when you get back.” but I’m worried the blindfold would the next person. I stare at her as I’m “Yes, Abby. Join the campaign. You’ll walks over to the two security guards live his life –” so stupid – “Huh? Huh? What am I, fall all the way off . pushed out of the way. be accepted here. You’ll be loved. No who stopped me at the convention, four years old?” “Everything I do, you nitpick. “Frank… Jesus…” I thought to myself more awkwardness, no more painful but here I only know them as Dopey “You never had many friends,” Nothing I do is ever good enough.” over and over again in my head. “How I storm out of the room, and back onto thinking. You’ll be fi ghting the and Smalls. Th ere’s some whispering, Dopey says, almost sadly. “Th e language of the right appeals He opens his mouth, I cut him off did you let this happen…? How…” the fl oor, but it’s not the same. I don’t enemies of freedom, with the armies of then Ann yells – “I’m coming for 22 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 23 you, Abby!” and Dopey kicks the More than anything. Please…” wall. Smalls yells out, as if in pain, and walks to the door quietly. Dopey Ann’s crooked smile turns up at one screams out, and walks to the door, end. Frank’s eyes plead at me. too – he salutes Ann, and the two of them run out – “Th is is the one chance you have, Abby. One shot to change the world –” Ann lifts off my blindfold, and hugs me – “Okay, Ann.” I say, quietly.

“You poor dear, are you okay?” I Ann takes my arm, and we walk nod, slowly. I’m pretty traumatized, towards the door – Frank jumps in she looks at me: “Th at’s the lengths front of us – these people will go to, Abby. Th ey’re the same people who want to ban “Where are you going??” the bible in Virginia.” I nod, again. She unties my knots, and helps me Ann answers, pushing him out of stand up – the way –

“What’s… going on, Ann?” I ask. “On the road. We’re going to bring the truth to people, not the negative But then the door closes. Ann She looks at me strangely. doctrine of the left –” rubs my shoulder, and kisses me “Whatever you want, Abby. It can “Abby, please, listen –” all happen now. You can come with on the cheek, and I completely us. You can help us fi ght for a better “To what?” Ann snorts. “Th at Iraq isn’t America, a greater America. Come going well? Bush is too ideologically forget what else Frank said. on, Abby –” based? Give me a break –”

I stand up, and look at her – Ann takes me down a hall – “I’m in a hotel?” I notice, stupidly. Suddenly, Frank runs in the door: A few blissful minutes later, the Frank runs after us – “Abby, thank God you’re okay!” He elevator door opens, and we walk grabs me and hugs me. He kisses me “But, Abby –” – it takes him a moment to look at out into the bright, warm sun. Ann. Ann pulls me into an elevator.

I have never seen a more stunned “She’s going with the right people, expression on a person’s face. now.”

“Ann… Coulter? What are you As the doors close, Frank yells out doing here?” to me:

Ann glares at him – “Abby, they aren’t even Republicans! Th e Republican party is a great, “Keeping her safe from you. Come truly wonderful organization that on, Abby. Let’s go.” was built on the ideas of personal and fi scal responsibility! Th ese Frank whirls around and looks at people have sullied both of those! me, his face a torn with confusion. None of them take responsibility for anything – and they’ve spent so “Abby, what’s she talking about…?” many billions of taxpayer money, Abby, please. Look, honey, I don’t “She knows what’s right, and what’s care what you believe in just so you wrong. And she’s tied of your aren’t motivated by fear, and fear negative, socialistic liberal dogma. alone. But Abby, please –” She’s too smart for it. Aren’t you, Abby?” He said more there, I think. It was all just so negative. I look at the two of them – Frank grabs my shoulders – All I could think while I was standing there was: “Abby, please. Let’s go home. You know she isn’t right – I’m not even a “Why don’t you just shut up, Frank, liberal. I don’t know what that has to and reach out your hand to stop the do with anything, but… I love you. door?” 24 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 GROPE THE VOTE 2004

DDEEKEEK MMAGAZINEAGAZINE CCHAMPIONSHAMPIONS OOFF PPOLITICSOLITICS NNOVEMBEROVEMBER 22004004 what labor day means to us. a photo document by [piama]

WALKING AROUND NEAR THE BASTILLE I SAW, angry unemployed, react together against unemployment

together let’s stop the effects of agent orange! anger or does she mean cholera?

assassins! troops out of iraq - justice in palestine palestine-stop the wall

split up the wealth. to create jobs to increase salaries

no to exclusion in jobs convergence against exclusion/unemployment ..is a prison

stop the war rejoin the communist party

equal rights to both daddy and mommy parisian taxi driver union

long live marxism-leninism long live socialism

combat humiliation against women everything to change funny state

down with all the armies. halt the busherie

justice and resistance on mapuche land workers w/o papers will no longer support not working

i prefer old women down with the islamic regime in iran

halt the massacre of palestinians

our lives before their profi ts priority to education

one man out of two is an anti-sexist woman = rights- lesbo, hetero, trans, gay, bi

AIDS: precariousness kills let’s stop the government

proletarians of all countries! unite! condemned to working hidden

down with american imperialism

back here in the states, i asked this guy what came to mind when he thought of labor day. he said: trees. reminds me of arbor day.

all photos i took on euro mayday: for new collective european social rights (labor day) in paris, 2004. except the burger which i got from the inter- web. if you think you are the owner of the photo and i am unjustly using it, remember it was not for your stunning photographic talent that i took it. DEEK MAGAZINE SPECIAL PULL OUT AND HANG IT UP THING Th e image was created using photoshop. It is the SUV as Skin cancer. Th e leg is not a photo of an actual diseased leg, it was a healthy leg, and the cancer came from a medical photo. It is a visualization of the insidious and toxic eff ects of the cancerous spread of sprawling Suburbs. Note that interestingly enough, CNN reported last week that suburbia causes health problems.

Laura Miller

Reader Gallery you send it, we’ll probably print it send fi les to [email protected] send prints to Artsy Froo-Froo Guy c/o DeekMagazine P.O. Box 7502 Pittsburgh, PA 15213

more information available at www.deekmagazine.com

Bike Punks Fear Carrie Schneider Oil on Canvas margaret mary Defeated – Deek goes back to school October 1, 2004 By Read Ashton Photos by Doug Crissman, Nate Boguszewski

Situation 1: Situation 2:

I head over to Forbes Avenue to fi nd I decide to swing by some sorori- some homeless folks. Th e fi rst beggar ties... I come across happens to be a politi- cal refugee from Iraq. Th e guy has an accent, ID, and stories to back up his claim. As we’re talking about why he hates Bush more than Saddam (though he still loves America) one of his partners in panhandling joins us, gives me a crate to sit on, and we rap about Lifetime movies for a while. A long while.

Name: Anne Malernic Name: Cara DeBarton Name: Tiff any Ellis Name: Trisha Hibble Bob Ryan Name: Larry Age: 18 Age: 19 Age: 25 Age: 28 Age: 19 Age: 167 (estimated) Occupation: Sorority sister Occupation: Sorority sister Occupation; Student, waitress Occupation: Student aff airs Occupation: Gas station attendant Occupation: Alcohol (assumed) Political affi liation: Alcohol Political affi liation: Undecided, may- Political affi liation: Democrat Political affi liation: Democrat Political affi liation: “Fuck, I don’t Political affi liation: Stupidity be, kinda know” D: Any reason you’re not voting? D: Who are you voting for? D: Should marijuana be legal? D: I’m polling people on who they’re A: I just don’t feel the need to. D: Are you voting this November? T: Kerry. T: I think anything you can get high D: Do you think marijuana should voting for in the upcoming election D: Have you seen Farenheit 911? C: Yes. Defi nitely. D: Why? with should be illegal.” be legal? and asking them poignant and ridic- A: Yeah, the fi rst 10 minutes. I D Who are you voting for? T: I don’t know. Th at’s a tough ques- D: You can get high off of glue... B: Not in the U.S. ulous questions in that regard. Mind thought it was really boring. C: I haven’t decided yet. I’m basing tion. T: Th at’s true.” D: Elsewhere though? if I talk to you for a minute about D: Do you think marijuana should most of my decision on the debates. D: Do you disagree with the war in D: ...Okay... B: Canada, yeah. this? be legalized? D: Did you see last night’s debates? Iraq? T: I don’t know, maybe it’s just like, D: It should be legal in Canada and L: You’re what? Speak up. A: Isn’t it? (laughter from friends) I C: No. T: I don’t know enough about it to how it’s been commercialized, I ge- not here? D: Asking people who they’re voting mean in some states...” D: What do you think about the war say yes or no. uss.” B: Yeah. for. in Iraq? D: Should marijuana be legal? D: Why? L: And why the hell would I talk to C: I don’t really know anything about T: Uuuuuhhh... I guess I don’t have B: I think people would just go over- you about that? it. an idea about it either way. If you like board if it was just all of a sudden D: Because you feel a sense of nation- it, sure. legalized. al pride and you believe in America. D: Should the drinking age be D: People wouldn’t go overboard in L: Fuck you. changed? Canada? T: I think the drinking age should be B: Th ey would. lowered and the driving age should D: Okay... uh, should we wage war be raised. on anyone else? D: What about guns? B: Canada. Th ey’re dumb.” T: I don’t like them. D: What do you think about gun control? T: Do you mean controlling guns in a school environment, or, like, strict- er laws?

30 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 31 Defeated II – Deek goes to school again, later October 6, 2004 By Nova Keenan Photos by Doug Crissman, Nate Boguszewski

Name: Matt Chominski Name: Kate Arthur Name: Paul Roth Name: John Casey Name: Alyssa Kline Name: Daniel Catrary Name: Shawn Collingwood Pittsburgh City police Offi cer: Age: 21 Age: 21 Age: 46 Age: 30 Age: 27 Age: 30 Age: 43 Occupation: Student Occupation: Student, bartendress Occupation: Buyer Occupation: Convenience store clerk Occupation: Law student Occupation: Project manager We’re not allowed to state our politi- Political affi liation: Libertarian Political affi liation: Green Political affi liation: conservative (bor- Political affi liation: Republican Political affi liation: Republican I’m voting for Kerry Political affi liation: Republican cal views, but I’m voting for Bush derline redneck but I fucking hate I’m voting Bush. I’m voting Kerry NASCAR), Roman Catholic, GUN I’m voting for Bush I’m voting for Bush. When democrats are in the offi ce, the I’m voting for Bush. OWNER, married with two kids, employment situation is a little more I’m pro life, so I’m not on the whole I don’t know what he’ll do for me, Bachelor’s degree Bush will be safer for America...na- He’s more focused on families and... lucrative then when republicans are I trust Bush to protect my Second Kerry thing...I’m against stem-cell re- personally...he’s the lesser of two tional security...not so great on the it’s not necessarily an election where in offi ce...better jobs...better ben- Amendment rights. Kerry isn’t search...I’m an issue voter...I’m non- evils...I’m an Environmental Studies I am voting for Bush economy...I do care about the envi- you’re voting for someone...lesser of efi ts...Bush doesn’t keep his word... trustworthy...I couldn’t vote for a partisan...I don’t like Kerry anyway... major...I vote for the environment... ronment, but...his record could be two evils...I don’t like Kerry – don’t Kerry’s a little but of a bullshitter, weak-kneed, panty-wetting, fucking I don’t think he stands for anything... and, as much as I would like to vote I believe that [Bush] is superior to his better...we’ve all gotta live here...God trust the guy...Edwards is a snake... too, but Kerry’s a little bit more...it’s liberal, and...the hunting, gun own- I just think Bush would be the stron- for the Green Party, I know it would challenger in the areas of ethics and would not vote...God is not into pol- classic litigator...Kerry is inconsis- a lesser of two evils thing...he’s more ership thing. ger leader, considering we’re in a time just throw off the election, which, clarity of purpose...I believe he is do- itics...he’s got bigger things to worry tent...he’s never maintained any honorable than Bush, but I don’t re- of war...If Kerry were elected right to me, means we nee to take baby ing the right things to stimulate an about. consistency...Edwards is a jerk...God ally trust either one of them...Kerry now, there would be a lot of mixed steps toward more than a two party economy that was already tits up and would vote for Bush...I’m a big ad- is more honorable...God would vote messages...I think it would be a time system...Kerry’s got better views on taking on water when he inherited it vocate of God...this whole election is for himself...God would let things of confusion...People are saying this the environment...Bush has done from the Clinton administration and about picking one...staunch right... be the way they are...he leaves it election is ripping apart, I think, if things to kill the environment... was further crippled by 9/11...John politically conservative, liberally up to us...he sits back and lets you Kerry wins, we’ll be ripping it apart Bush’s administration has refused to Kerry has no position and every posi- minded...I don’t feel like either repre- make your own decisions...let’s you even farther...Th ey’re not too perfect, do any debating on the environment tion on every issue. He makes deci- sent how I feel, but you can’t ask for face the consequences...politics is so these two candidates...God would be – they’ll talk about war, the economy, sions based solely on the direction in that...in the middle...the gray area... wishy-washy...he sets the rules out, more conservative...more for welfare abortion, but they will not talk about which the political winds are blow- neither has a good case for being you follow it as such...I don’t smile and education the environment...Kerry will do more ing. When you add to that his belief president...Bush is doing an okay job in pictures. for the environment than Bush, and that he knows better than us how we that’s pretty much what sways my should run our lives, he’s not quali- vote...war for oil...God wouldn’t vote fi ed to run for Dog Catcher. I most for no one...I don’t believe in God, I assuredly do not trust him with my believe in Mother Nature...I feel like Second Amendment rights or our na- Mother Nature would vote for John tional security. Kerry

[Note to readers: Deek Magazine has put a hit on Mother Nature]

32 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 33 Reviews - MOVIES

those who say, “How can they call us occupi- iela Poggi), the grief-stricken, blonde Jew who ers? We’re Americans!” then you probably be in fi nds herself in Starker’s clutches. Lise’s already charge of message control at the White House. dead inside; she blames herself for the deaths of If you can’t see the parallel between Mathieu her entire family. Starker is confounded by Lise’s saying, “Th e word ‘torture’ doesn’t appear in our death wish; it robs him of his power over her. orders. We’ve always spoken of interrogation as I could tell you about the scene where Stark- DDEEK:EEK: CCHAMPIONSHAMPIONS OOFF PPOLITICSOLITICS the only valid method in a police operation di- er’s empress of pain, Alma (played by a delec- rected against unknown enemies,” and the Presi- table Maristella Greco), throws a menstruating dent claiming the Geneva Convention protocols prisoner to her Dobermans, who tear the girl don’t apply to Iraqi prisoners in Abu Ghraib, apart. Or let your imagination mull over the you might consider a job on talk radio. ENTERTAINMENT If you don’t hear in the President’s words an EENTERTAINMENTNTERTAINMENT echo of Mathieu’s “Th ere are 80,000 Arabs in the Kasbah. Are they all against us? We know they’re not. In reality, it’s only a small minor- ity that dominates with terror and violence. Th is glory hole shot minority is our adversary and we must isolate and destroy it,” then you might look for a career in the Defense Department. The Battle of Algiers (1965) Finally, when Mathieu says, “Should we re- Th e Pentagon has seen this movie. So (prob- main in Algeria? If you answer ‘yes,’ then you ably) has al Qaeda. Shouldn’t you? must accept all the necessary consequences,” In 1954, Algerian rebels from the National do you hear the same question repeating down Liberation Front were in violent revolt against through history, this time about our occupation the French, who ruled Algeria as a colony. (Yes, of Iraq? Th e consequences are these: Civilians the French were once a colonial power, though and soldiers who fi ght, torture, and die; terror- it’s easy for Americans to forget that fact in ists and freedom fi ghters who die for ideologies our rush to label fried potato strips “Freedom and fanaticism; families who weep and vow re- Our lust ist verboten! - Gestapo’s Last Orgy Fries.”) Th e FLN began to make serious strikes venge; martyrs and criminals who infl ict death against the French occupying force, leaving and fi nally receive it. A country torn apart and a quote, “Th ere’s nothing better than a pot-roast bombs in cafés and gunning down French po- country hated by the world. of unborn Jew!” Or describe the eponymous lice. If you can’t see the parallel between Algeria Th e Battle of Algiers is a lesson in history, orgy, where the prisoners are made to fellate in 1954 and Iraq in 2004, you should probably a study of colonialism and terrorism. It’s a re- wooden sticks, smeared in blood, and raped in a run for public offi ce. minder that both the terrorist and the freedom soft-core, late-Seventies erotic style. Th e fi lm follows Ali, a young hoodlum who fi ghter, the occupier and the liberator, do their But let’s not kid ourselves: Th is is not a good turns from petty crime to political terrorism. work with bloody hands. Th e geography may movie, or even a bad movie worth watching. Young and angry, he sees no “benevolent super- change, but not the motivations or the meth- Written by someone who skimmed the Cliff s power” in the French occupiers. Now the proud ods. People are blowing up in Iraq the same Notes for De Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom, it tries owner of a cause worth dying for, he quickly way they blew up in Algiers, claiming the same to rise above schlock and make points about rises up through the ranks of the FLN, advo- God-given right to bring death on others. Sol- “power equals sex equals fear equals death,” but cating brutal violence against the French and diers are torturing prisoners and using the same it’s nothing we haven’t heard from Marilyn Man- civilians. So a young man without much hope appeals to pragmatism to avoid uneasy ques- son lyrics. Really, the fact that this movie exists, becomes a leader of fanatics. If you can’t see the tions. People are dying for ideals and few seem as part of the “Nazisploitation” genre, tells you parallel between Ali and the young Islamic fun- to recognize that we’ve been here before. And enough about human nature that you can forego damentalists who are al Qaeda’s most dedicated before. And before. actually watching it. Worse than not being good, followers, you should probably be running our it’s not even interesting, except to mouth-breath- national counter-terrorism policy. Directed by Gillo Pontecorvo. Written by Gillo ing troglodytes who giggle their way through the As the FLN strikes grow more brutal and Pontecorvo, Franco Solinas. Starring Brahim Hag- dullest 92 minutes committed to fi lm, then rush frequent, the French army sends in paratroop giag, Jean Martin. to the Internet Movie Database to post about commander Col. Mathieu. Mathieu is a hero – ERASMUS SANTIAGO what “jaded thrill seekers” they are. Do yourself of the French people for his membership in the a favor: instead of this movie, take the $3.99 French resistance in World War II. (Yes, there Gestapo’s Last Orgy (1977) rental fee, buy a metal coat-hanger, heat it over was a strong, noble resistance to Nazi occupa- Yes, that Gestapo, from World War II, a gas stove, and fl og yourself for an hour and tion during WWII, though it’s easy for Ameri- known for its immaculate uniforms and fanati- a half. Th e pain will be exquisite; you’ll under- cans to forget that fact in our rush to label them cal anti-Semitism. stand what De Sade was really talking about; “surrender monkeys.”) Th ere’s a lot I could tell you about this movie and you’ll thank me in the morning. Col. Mathieu is surprised when the Algeri- – the story of Commandant Conrad von Starker ans call him a fascist – after all, he fought the (Marc Loud), who runs a German concentra- Directed by Cesare Canevari. Starring Marc Nazis! He’s as democratic as they come. If you tion camp/brothel where Jewish girls are used to Loud and Daniela Poggi. can’t see the parallel between Col. Mathieu and satiate soldiers on leave, and Lise Cohen (Dan- – DELONGPRE DANNON

34 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 35 Reviews - MOVIES Reviews - BOOKS

Outfoxed: announced Junior Shrub President, and within night in November, 2000. Fox News may have 50 Reasons Not to Vote For Bush Th e defi nitions, which form the bulk of the them, occasionally off ering his own asides about Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism minutes the other networks agreed. Fox-reality called the election for Bush, but why did the By Robert Sterling book, range from funny to outraged to whistling- the case for self-castration or the power of aes- became real-reality. other networks follow suit so quickly? One Only 50? Well, you can fi t only so many into past-the-graveyard. Th ey’re meant to be taken a thetic terrorism. Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one. Roger Ailes, Fox News CEO and Chairman, explanation may have been simple fear: Th e a manageable book, explains editor Robert Ster- few at a time, to be chuckled and pondered over. Hovering next to the bean dip is Karen – A.J. Liebling later apologized for making a call that “let our Th e book’s closer, an essay by Kurt Vonnegut, is Greenlee, necrophiliac. After eloping with a other networks were afraid of getting scooped. ling, who also edits the online publication Th e viewers down.” And boy, was he putting on a Konformist (www.konformist.com). an instant classic; including excerpts from Th e dead man in the back of a stolen hearse, Karen But there’s another, darker explanation. On H, RUPERT MURDOCH. THE WILY brave face, barely holding back the tears (of Most people who’ve paid attention the last Taguba Report on the Abu Ghraib prison tor- was convicted of interfering with a burial and the night of the election, GE CEO Jack Australian whose Fox News Channel laughter!) welling up inside him. four years know there are plenty of reasons not tures is the kind of public service you wish more spent eleven days in jail. Since those anguished A is the subject of Robert Greenwald’s After the election, of course, the bitterly Welch, a Republican, came into the studios of to vote for Bush in November, from his corpo- major media outlets would do. days Karen has grown more comfortable with provocative documentary, Outfoxed: Rupert anti-Clinton Faux News Channel began its NBC – owned by GE – and ordered them to rate cronyism to his unprecedented tax cuts to On top of all that is a collection of car- her sexuality – she’ll patiently explain that it’s Murdoch’s War on Journalism, makes a few quick long, slow-motion fellatio of the President, call the election for Bush. Th is is all on tape, his mismanagement of the War on Tara. toons from the future, a future in which ro- the smell of death, the eroticism of the grave, appearances in the fi lm, but the most telling with the kind of fawning coverage a mongoloid but when California Representative Henry Th ese are, of course, subjects rational people bots try to eat our babies and the main dietary that really turns her on. It’s not something she’s has Murdoch, appearing on his own channel, preschooler would fi nd intellectually off ensive. Waxman requested NBC turn over those can argue over: Is Bush’s indebtedness to corpo- staples are plankton and bananas. And in the looking to “cure;” it’s who she is. She laughs commenting, “the economy’s behaving like it’s Moody’s memos, after all, are issued by the same videotapes, the network refused. To do so, rate America a liability, or business as usual? Do future, science has fi nally discovered how to and mentions how men think she just needs the on steroids at the moment.” the tax cuts provide desperately needed econom- see through a brick! right living penis to “fi x” her. they said, would be a “highly inappropriate” Meanwhile, the stock ticker in the lower right- ic stimulus, or simply choke the federal budget Included with FDofA is the Future Th at’s where professional porn reviewer hand corner shows a 70-point drop in the Dow. expose of their editorial process. to the point of massive defi cits and less help for Soundtrack of America, with tracks by Sleater- Christian Shapiro jumps in. Christian’s a bit Granted, that’s not exactly a Black Friday How much do you trust a media outlet that those who need it? Is the War on Terra contigu- Kinney, Th ey Might be Giants, will.i.am of the jaded about sex – fast-forwarding through thou- number, but the telling juxtaposition of the 1) lets CEOs make editorial decisions, and 2) ous with the war in Iraq? Black-Eyed Peas, and others. Most of the tracks sands of hours of hardcore pornography will do “Fox reality” and the real reality – you know, refuses to allow any investigation into those Willingness to these kinds of questions is are solid, with a couple that veer into an over- that to you – his new kick is daytime TV. He’s that world of often inconvenient facts that the decisions, and then 3) cites First Amendment the fi rst step toward being an informed voter. earnestness unusual for the McSweeney’s crowd. seen every act of debasement the human body rest of us have to live in – is what Outfoxed is rights to protect themselves from critique? Th e value of a book like 50 Reasons is not that Not quite a disc to get the party started, but still can perform, and it leaves him cold. all about. If Fox News ever retires the venerable it reveals any new information – though even Th is is nothing new – media consolidation worth owning. He’s just getting to the part where all those “Fair and Balanced” tagline, they might a collapsed-vein political junkie like me found Finally and most importantly, in addition cumshots and penetrations add up to satori has been going on for at least the last 50 years. consider adopting, “Fox News: We Make the some new tidbits within – but that it helps to an excellent essay by Vonnegut, some funny when Dennis Stillings exclaims that the atom But as one commentator puts it “media is the News.” As former anchor Jon Du Pre puts it, lay the framework for reasonable, passionate entries by well- and not-so-well-known writers, bomb is God’s proof of His existence. See, be- “We weren’t necessarily, as it was told to us, nervous system of a democracy,” and as the argument. Each of the fi fty reasons is a con- cartoons and songs, FDofA off ers the satisfaction cause technology and science are all we believe a news-gathering organization as we were a nervous system becomes hyper-stimulated, cise primer on topics such as Bush’s ideological of knowing that all of the proceeds – instead of in anymore, right, so God programs us to build proponent of a point of view.” fi ring that same Bennifer neuron over and over judicial appointees, his connections to oil and going to Barnes and Noble or Amazon – will something so horrible, so overwhelming that Th at attitude reaches all the way to the again, is it any surprise our politics become energy giants who helped write our national go to progressive causes such as Th e Sierra Club its might can only be proof of divine interven- top. Director Greenwald makes extensive use the gossipy, scandal-driven realm of Lewinsky energy policy, and his diplomatic failure in and the League of Pissed Off Votes. tion! Oswald Spengler counters that all tech- of memoranda written by John Moody, chief North Korea. Heavily sourced, each one off ers – AUSTIN TASSELTEIN nology is devilish, a product of man’s desire to network Bill O’Reilly hopes you’ll “rely on for and “Friends?” of Fox News, setting the daily tone of FNC’s an overview of the argument, with further in- become God. You’re a little too drunk and your coverage. Moody’s memos are a great example the truth,” without ideological spin. At Fox Meanwhile, behind the scenes and under vestigation left to the reader. Apocalypse Culture Vol. 1 & 2 head is spinning. of Republican message control, right down to News there’s nothing but spin, an orbiting ring our noses, media companies employ the largest 50 Reasons is a concise handbook for those Reading the Apocalypse Culture books is a bit And pretty soon everyone’s yelling about the reminders to reporters that Marine snipers of bullshit held in place by the gravity of faith. lobbying force in America. Pappas explains how who oppose George W. Bush and what his poli- like showing up late to a party where you don’t God and the Devil, secret societies and global are “sharpshooters” and suicide bombers are, Th e money shot across the face of the media “deregulation,” begun in the Reagan years cies have wrought in the past four years. Un- know anyone. Th ey’re all drinking and talking conspiracies, the invisible war and racial eugen- in actuality, “homicide bombers.” Moody American public came (!) in the form of but continuing into the present, has given rise to fortunately, its analytical, substantive argument and having a good time, while you’re forced to ics. Richard Green, founder and sole member of cautions his subordinates about the 9/11 a 2003 PIPA/Knowledge Networks poll, the mega-media that surrounds us. Th e loosening is no match for that most damning of retorts, wander aimlessly, trying not to look desperate, Jews for Hitler, lobs a handful of potato salad at commission investigations, “Do not turn this which found a direct correlation between the shielding your beer cup every time someone of restrictions gives media more space from “Well, OK, Bush hasn’t been the greatest leader. Irv Rubin of the Jewish Defense League, a Jew- into Watergate.” amount of Fox News watched and the degree walks by, eavesdropping on the interesting con- But why do you hate America?” ish extremist group responsible for at least 37 Th e factual gap between Fox-reality and of confusion about basic matters of fact. which to increase its power, by propagandizing versations you’re not a part of. – GIDEON STARGRAVE terrorist attacks, according to the FBI. You fl ip real-reality can be both funny and frightening. Regular Fox News viewers were three times as to the public and defi ning who can say within You catch a bit of one – “Christ the Cop is over a table and lay down covering fi re with a When Rupert Murdoch talks about a fantasy likely to believe we’d found weapons of mass its space. Th e major media is, for the majority The Future Dictionary of America a Civilian Cop and needs a Press Card Marriage handful of salted peanuts. boom economy, or when Du Pre’s reports on destruction in Iraq, for example. Th ey were of Americans who don’t spend hours on the By Various to Protect Him or Her from the Crucifi xion by Meanwhile, semi-retarded David, oblivious Reagan’s birthday reveal that, in actuality, no seven times as likely to believe the world had For years conservative commentators have God the Copulator in Lust Murdering License Internet stoking their indignation with articles to the chaos, reads a story called “David and one outside the Republican Party cares about supported the war in Iraq. complained that the dictionary, like the media, Marriage” – and think, wow, that’d make a great by Greg Palast or Michael Moore, the gatekeeper Hitler go to the planet Mars” to Ted Kaczyn- the former president’s “special day,” it’s funny. In other words, Fox News viewers live in has a hopeless liberal bias. “Don’t read,” says bumper sticker. You turn the person speaking, to public discourse. It’s at Disney-GE-Sony It’s funny that Fox quizzes a French intellectual another world. Rush Limbaugh, “that’s how they get you – with one James (Anubis) Van Cleve, a schizophrenic ski. Dr. S. Epps dives behind your table and asks about John Kerry’s supposed “Frenchness,” or Increasingly, though, we all live in another world, and as Harlan Ellison put it, “At Disney, their America-hating, al Qaeda-harboring, wel- who talks your head of with cryptic references whether whites were made by Yacub – “a Black, that they run a piece on the newest summer world, where what we think we know is defi ned nobody fucks with the Mouse.” fare-stealing words!” to Christ and the Marquis de Sade, explaining god-like scientist” – as a race of devils. A NAM- fashion, John Kerry fl ip-fl ops. (Fair and by a small group of multinational corporations It’s enough to make you cry. But what good Absurd, sure. But the crew at McSweeney’s that, “Sex is the gravitational bonding agent in BLA representative yells to no one in particular. You grab a handful of pretzels and whip Balanced? How about some coverage of the who don’t always have our best interests at are tears if they’re not wept on TV? has fi nally made that old conservative bromide social space working against magnetic electrocu- newest craze in feminine hygiene – George heart. Th at’s the point in Robert Kane Pappas’ a reality with Th e Future Dictionary of America. tion and hanging with the point of no return them into Anton (Church of Satan) LaVey’s Set in a future near-utopia where GWB and his and life imprisonment.” Huh, you say. I’d never eyes. He bellows like a bull moose, clawing at Bush douchebags?) one-man production Orwell Rolls in His Grave, Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on It’s funny until you realize just how much a nearly two-hour long broadside against the neocon handlers have been cast out of power, thought of it that way. his now-useless orbs. Th anks, you say, but you Journalism is in theaters now and available power Fox News has in shaping public opinion. evils of Big Media. Fox News may be the most FDofA imagines how language will have changed Looking around, you realize this is the party people are all crazy and I had a great time but I Th en it becomes frightening. Let’s not forget blatant example of a malicious funhouse mirror on DVD at www.disinfo.com. Orwell Rolls between now and then. For instance, the entry at the end of the world; the guests are drawn can only handle so much of you so don’t call me that it was Fox News – John Ellis, George W. masquerading as journalism, but for Pappas the In His Grave is available on DVD at www. for “bush” now reads, “n. I. A poisonous fam- from the most extreme, esoteric fringes of so- ok, I’ll call you and buh-bye! Th en you leap out Bush’s fi rst cousin (coincidentally!) – who fi rst others aren’t much better. orwellrollsinhisgrave.com. ily of shrubs, now extinct. (see bushed, bush- ciety – and some from even beyond. Your host, the door, shut the book, and are safe. called Florida “a clear win” for GWB. Fox News Return, for example, to that fated election – CHANTRELLE FONTAIN league, bushwa.)” editor Adam Parfrey, introduces you to all of – TIM BODINE

36 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 37 Reviews - MUSIC MusicAlbums I Wish I Would Have Brought With Me to Prison

The Rolling Stones Rock Against Bush Volumes 1 & 2 the musicians are very talented, and they have a Vegas bellhop at a Britney Spears wedding, Let It Bleed By Various Artists unique, substantive sound. It’s worth a listen, if et cetera. Anything really implying that their ver since I “Now we all need someone we can bleed on, and if you want it, When my parents told me George W. Bush only for a laugh. instrumentation is quite taut]. put myself in babe, you can bleed on me.” Th is line from the title track, and its was running for re-election and that they were Anyway, I had a chance to meet one of this terrible subsequent metaphors “dream” and “cream,” are applicable to just getting a divorce, I said nothing, but grabbed Similar bands: Lush, Cocteau Twins, Th e Smiths, Lamb of God’s guitar players – Mark Morton Th e Church, Crash Test Dummies, Sting projects – on their tour bus at Th e Rock Club in Station Epredicament about every aspect of polite society: Th e physical, unconscious and my purple Jansport backpack and ran upstairs, refl ective of his recent meditative (aged) work Square. I wanted to talk to him about politics, by assaulting asshole sexual. Th e Stones are one of the few great rock bands to simply fi ghting to hold back the tears, not succeeding. teenagers at a Jethro come out and say what everyone else wishes that they personally had I threw myself on the bed, clutched a pillow but he wasn’t really feeling it. He’s mostly into Self described as: “Ethereal music;” “the intersection video games and he’s not voting. So after about Tull concert last the balls to say. I mean, the refrain of the opening song, “Gimme to my face, and screamed. “Why is the world summer, I’ve had a lot Shelter” features a wicked nightingale wailing “Bloody murder: It’s so eff t up?!” I wrote in my Hello Kitty diary. I of Dream Pop, Jangle Pop and Folk Rock” ten minutes of getting nowhere with him, I left and went to Hooters (behind the Rock Club) of time to think about a just a shot away.” Personally, I’ve always thought that this would be knew it wasn’t my fault that George Bush had very important question: a great slogan for a cut rate healthcare company, but that’s just me, Between the Waters is releasing their debut to use the restroom. At the door, the hostess been elected in the fi rst place I’m not even old Do I take music too and I’m in jail. From this madness, they turn Robert Johnson delta CD, Connection, at Garfi eld Artworks on Friday, – a predictably beautiful wee brunette with a enough to vote! – but were my parents getting a seriously? Of course, blues into square-dancin’, sloppiness in the beautiful “Love in Vain.” October 22, at 9:oo pm. French accent – asked if I wanted to speak to divorce because of me? the eventual answer is Beleaguered bassist Bill Wyman even gets in on the action with his I’m not a perfect daughter. Mom and – PATRICIA MCKEAN the manager. And though I was only looking for the john, I said, “Uh, sure,” and talked to always “no.” On many best performance since marrying a “very young girl” on “Live with Dad and Geroge Bush know this. But I try. occasions, I’ve dug up all Me.” Shockingly, the next three tracks “Midnight Rambler,” “You Cherry Monroe the manager for a minute or so. He’s voting for Why couldn’t they stay together, and why this philosophical bullshit like “Rock Will Save the World,” “Music Changed Got the Silver” and “Monkey Man” reek of rampant substance abuse. couldn’t George W. actually fund The No Self-titled (2004) Kerry and he’s never heard of Lamb of God, but he’s not really sure. My Pathetic Little Life,” or even, “Th e Rolling Stones Have Made Me Evil.” Most surprising, however, is the fi nal track, the magnum-opus “You Child Left Behind Act? Rust Records Th is is where I got the idea for this month’s Deek Magazine Hall of Fame Can’t Always Get What You Want.” If you’re ever as fucked up as I I called my friend Tami and bawled my eyes As if they were bred for radio airplay, Similar bands: Metallica, Megadeth, Dim Mak, entry: Th e Stones’ immortal (and aptly titled) Let It Bleed. am right now and listen to this song – you may get dangerously close out. She advised me to put on Rock Against Cherry Monroe have the look, the sound, and Th e Red Chord, Cataract, God Forbid Let It Bleed was born out of turmoil, fame, sex and violence and set to crossing the threshold between existence and nirvana. Th is song Bush and turn it up real loud. Tami said it might the nose piercings to get them some attention a paradigm for the transition between the peace and fl owery bullshit- has fucking everything: Little castrato kids singing the refrain in the not bring my family together again, but at least regionally and, less-likely, on the national stage. Self-described as: “Pure American metal.” happiness of the 1960s and the death of rock in the 1970s. Founding intro, intense symphonic arrangements and, of course, Mick laying it would, through the power and majesty of And though their music is sometimes trite and guitarist Brian Jones had been fi red from the band early in recording, everything on the line – you can feel him bouncing off the walls in the punk rock, remove that un-elected, right-wing predictable, sometimes it’s not. Like here, in this Lamb of God’s most recent release, Ashes of the Mick Jagger was off being a movie star in Australia, Mick Taylor was studio. I could tell by his blood-stained hands. puppet from his throne of blood. (Tami wants selected lyric: Wake, is available in record stores now. just entering the never-ending circus that was the Rolling Stones and So take note, my young friends, that if someday you fi nd yourself a career in public relations and is always talking – MISTER HO JANGLES Keith Richards was doing more heroin than everyone else in the world taking music too seriously, pull your copy of Let It Bleed (I know you like that, advising me to buy a new product to I take painkillers just to be just to be with you combined. Th e only thing that could possibly arise from this situation have at least one) and it’ll make you feel a fl awless evil that can only be soothe my fragile adolescent mind.) I take painkillers just to be just to be with you Kevin Finn was a tremendous bare-bones rock album. Th ere is no majesty in this cultivated by the Rolling Stones. And what do you know – it worked! Once Let’s lie beneath the stars and cry Something (2004) music – only haunting fervor and desperate pain. my parents had their faces rocked off , they re- – WHITEY McGEE On his debut album Surface Tracks 1999- alized they should remain in a loveless marriage Similar bands: Blink 182, Blur, Dashboard 2000, cyber-folk-singer-songwriter Kevin Finn for the sake of the children. George W. Bush was Confessional, Saves the Day combines traditional folk sense with curious defeated through the power of rock, that boy instrumentation to form a haunting and Grain bitchin’ song entitled “Bun E. Carlos,” it still Taylor who always sits in front of me in math Self described as: “A catchy blend of Emo-love though. While their country-rock infl uenced somewhat misguided album. class fi nally talked to me, and the world no longer ballads, 80s British-sounding vocals and radio- The Bad Years (2004) songs are good, they pale when compared probably couldn’t top this disguised tribute to Clearly inspired by progenitors of the genre feared and hated America. Plus I got boobs! friendly rock” Most bands don’t wear their 70s infl uence to their new-wave/punk tracks, such as the the forgotten front man from the power-pop like Nick Drake and Ryan Adams, Finn uses a – STEPHI GRASSO like Pittsburgh natives Grain do. Th at’s because aggressive “Everything You’re Not” and trippy, band. Th e song’s sad topic of being forgotten soothing, rhythmic acoustic guitar as the principal Cherry Monroe is releasing their self-titled debut most can’t pull it off half as good as they can on ethereal “Landmine.” (“If all you are was just a footnote, then where backdrop for each track combined with random at Mr. Smalls Th eater on Saturday, October 23, at does that leave you-know-who?”) is masked by Between the Waters: percussion instruments and an appropriately their new album, Th e Bad Years. Grain still sounds like they have to sort their 8:oo pm. Performing with them will be Further its catchy tune and great garage-rock/power- Connection (2004) placed violin to complete a unique ambiance. Combining the best of mid-70s jam rock infl uences out into a more cohesive sound, but Tidal Wave Productions Down, Liquafl y, Luca Brazi and Th e Yards. Th e opening track, “Take the Rain”, is the and the music that tried to destroy it (late- where they are at now is almost good enough. pop guitar. – NOVA KEENAN Are you lost, in search of new, hip music, album’s best and utilizes Finn’s entire songwriting 70s new-wave), Grain creates a sound that If they keep it up, it’ll be amazing to hear these Despite the concept, the album rarely sinks created specifi cally for life on the sea? Do you prowess. Even the live tracks, especially “Like is simultaneously fresh and nostalgic. “Jump guys in the future – in the, uh, bad...years. Get it? into the realm of self-pity. And even when it yearn for music to act as a soundtrack to some Lamb of God Smoke I Will Go”, seem to manage a certain Into Th e Fire” recalls the upbeat guitar-fueled Huh? Th e... album is called... eh, nevermind. does, they somehow make it work. Songs like New Age fantasy where you’re sailing on a Ashes of the Wake (2004) ethereal quality about them. Not to be outdone, “She Doesn’t Like Th at Anymore” and “Favorite sound of Humble Pie or Th e Allman Brothers, The Breakup Society roving ship, comfortable, without all the evils Prosthetic/Epic are some noteworthy song titles that use this Shorts,” lamentations about how girlfriends but Carla Simmons repeated plea of “We can James At 35 (2004) of pirating (you know: Pillaging, shivering one’s Lamb of God sounds like a bunch of milieu of auditory composition to transport seem to hate it when you act like, well, yourself, make each other happy” reminds one of the raw Th e Breakup Society’s debut, James At 35, isn’t timbers, swashbuckling, wooden legs, et cetera)? machine-gun fi re under Cookie Monster loudly listeners into Finn’s world. References range will hit home for anyone that’s been in the same emotional lyrics of Blondie. You don’t expect to No? Me either. But if I was, this would be my pontifi cating on the nature of killing people in from obscure parables (Th e Boy and the Lion) the fi rst concept album about getting dumped situation. But instead of bringing you down, kinda music. a Gothic fantasy. Or something. One of my hear both sounds together, and you really don’t and Judy Blume books (Beezus) keep listeners (see Weezer’s Pinkerton) but it’s probably the it’ll only reaffi rm that you were right and they It seems like Between the Waters have favorite lines on Ashes of the Wake is about Code looking toward the next track. expect for it to sound good, but it does. fi rst one that won’t lead a recently dumped guy were wrong. succeeded in producing something Yanni might of Honor boiling down to: When I kill you, Consequently, this superior sense of musical Even some country-rock and blues is thrown to the bar. Great in its simplicity and brutal Singer/guitarist Ed Masley has been in several be proud of, only with a new, rockin’ twist. It it’s your mistake; when you kill me, I forgive arrangement is somewhat overshadowed by in for good measure with “Can’t Lose” and honesty, its harsh topic is partially covered in its bands before Th e Breakup Society, and his ends up sounding like Tori Amos singing with you. Which, I guess, is political. Musically, predicable, superfi cial lyrics. Finn’s voice is “Th ird Floor” featuring a twangy guitar opening conviction, honesty and dry sense of humor. an acoustic Our Lady Peace and a bunch of their technical skills are precise – the album, on adequate, but never quite matches up with maturity and talent certainly show it. One of the and Allman Brothers infl uenced guitar solo. By Th e tone of the album is set from the start Orcs (foot soldiers corrupted by elves, captured a whole, is tighter than [insert your own lude the instrumentation that he has constructed. best debut albums of the year, making power- by Melkor in the First Age, in case you’re phrasing here. Examples: Tighter than a Times Overall, Surface Tracks is a satisfactory, listenable the time this album comes to a close you’re half with “Robin Zander” the best song ever named pop sound better than it has in a very long time. wondering. Oh, was that too fucking arcane for Square peep show during fl eet week; tighter album which could serve as a respectable starting expecting a hardcore punk segue, or even a foray after a member of Cheap Trick. Of course, it’s Th e Breakup Society will be playing at the 31st you? So is this music. So deal with it). To their than a Nun’s wimphole (which I don’t really point for Finn’s career. into some Black Sabbath moments of metal. probably the only song named after a member Street Pub on November 6. Check it out. credit: Th e sound production is commendable, get); tighter than a gnat’s arse; tighter than a – IRVING WASHINGTON Th is eclectic range can hurt the band of Cheap Trick, but if anyone ever records a – JAMES ELDRED

38 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 39 Hardcore Analysis Interview

Keith Buckley from Every Time I Die some people on this tour who don’t like us or today. And I mean, the band has always By Keith J. Varadi the idea. Th ere is one band, in particular, who been tight, but it seems like on the latest hates us though. album, Hot Damn!, the rest of the band ’VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH WITH kind of caught up musically, you know? these asinine genres made up by I’ve heard about this crew. Apparently Ozzy Th anks. Shit man, thanks a lot. I really appreciate lameass thirtysomething mouthfuckers and Sharon are big fans of the crew, right? that. But yeah, I totally know what you mean. who claim that Coldplay and Th e When they try to make conversation with Once the band kind of stepped it up, I realized I I you guys, can you understand anything had to step it up as well and take my lyrics to an Flaming Lips are the Beatles and Floyds of our generation and that they actually know they are saying or do you sort of just even higher level. I just had to. Th e music now smile and nod your head? something about anything. One genre in sounds like it is deliberately orchestrated and I [Laughs] Yeah, I was hanging with Kelly and particular that I want to vomit into the toilet think we are where we want to be as a band. she said her parents love us. Ozzy is a partier. I and fl ush away for ever is “screamo,” which is haven’t talked to them in person yet. But Kelly Whose idea was it for the images of young evidently what said mouthfuckers have assigned said she’s going to introduce us. females smoking and making out and lifting to bullshit coming from better looking, pussied- up skirts and such in the CD booklet? up versions of bands like Hatebreed. One band So off this festival and on to another Umm, no one’s really. Basically, we had this has immediately and eff ortlessly proven why no – Hell Fest. You did it again this year, idea for a very claustrophobic, very dark, party one should give the time of day to the genre even though I know you guys are always vibe. And Jake Bannon and my friend, Chris, titles those idiots crap out of their mouths. complaining about being dragged into it. took that idea and kind of did it their own way Th at band is Every Time I Die. Dig it… [Laughs] Yeah. Well, I mean the cramped area Dillinger Escape Plan Candiria by doing a bunch of close ups of our friends and short sets is kind of a pain, but as much in this bar and the way they did it turned out Dillinger vs. Candiria: sound like. Th e transitions from old to new are not overwhelming, but KJV: So fi rst of all, the arrest at Ozzfest of a sacrifi ce as it was this year, since we almost Anomalies Made Commonplace both outfi ts have certainly been anything but stagnant. In the case of Miss great, we thought. – I’ve heard the rumors, I read the site, missed an Ozzfest date because of plane issues Machine, Greg Puciato has proved a worthy vocal successor, and in some but what really went down? and all the money and time and stuff , we really N THE PAST FIVE YEARS, QUITE A FEW THINGS HAVE ways the superior to Minanakis. His stylistic range encompasses everything needed it, this year, more so than any other. I I thought so too. So wait, those girls are changed in hardcore music. One would be hard pressed to fi nd any KB: Basically, I was in a hurry to catch from pure hardcore throat raping to the more versatile melodies seen with mean, at Ozzfest, these crowds need to be won your friends? single inch of the scene that hasn’t been aff ected by either Dillinger Superjoint Ritual play and I was trying to Mike Patton. As for the entire band, there is vintage Dillinger here, with over. Th ey don’t know us. Th ey don’t like us. But Yeah. [Laughs] I Escape Plan or Candiria. Before ground-breaking albums by both take a beer through the parking lot and all of bands, the idea of jazz-infused hardcore would have seemed incongruous, the likes of “Panasonic Youth” and “Baby’s First Coffi n” taking Calculating coming back to a show like Hell Fest where the like one of those Pennsylvania license plates with the cute, little otter Infi nity to a new level. But the most unique additions are the very industrial a sudden, these fucking cops came over and kids know our deal and get into it, it really helps Good for you. slapped on a fucking Suburban. (Unless you’re a Zorn fan, in which case, and ambient tones that appear on tracks like “Phone Home.” It is very were hassling me and shit and I told them to bring your spirit up. [Laughs]. my deepest apologies for insulting your foresight.) But now, math metal obvious where the credit should be given, with Puciatio doing his best Trent I’d just fi nish it before I got to the one point has bands throwing around time signatures like they do their guitars. Just Reznor impersonation. As for What Doesn’t Kill You…, the results are more or whatever and started downing it and they Well, you were saying a lot of crowds at So do you have any good “bar stories”? in time for two highly anticipated and long awaited new albums from varied. Th e synopsis of the album, as put forward by the title and artwork, cuff ed me and that was that. I tried to be as Ozzfest don’t like you guys, but it seems Umm, ones directly involving me – no. But these two vets to re-enter the fray. is the band’s survival of their horrifi c accident. What comes through the that today, you guys are extremely well- hmm, oh, this one time, this douchebag stole First, Dillinger. After 1999’s Calculating Infi nity blew everyone away, nice as possible though, you know? speakers once you play it is a varied attempt at moving forward. Th e respected by a number of bands from singer Dimitri Minakakis left the band on good terms, in 2001. Th e band my friend’s hat and my friend was like, “Dude, proceeded to audition new vocalists, choosing a then-unknown Greg opening track, “Dead Bury the Dead,” is very fi tting of previous off erings, Speaking of Ozzfest, other than you all across the musical spectrum. Why do Keith, if he doesn’t give me my hat back, I’m Puciato (you might recognize him from Error, a hardcore/techno hybrid with an amazing coordination of riff age and rhythm. But this album is guys, who has been the must see band you think that is and how do you feel gonna smash this beer bottle over his head.” layered with vocal harmonies (yes, I’m still talking about Candiria) and about it? project released on Epitaph). In the meantime, Dillinger recorded an EP of the tour? And I was like, “No fucking way, dude.” And he with Mike Patton, Irony Is A Dead Scene, simultaneously earning praises bright guitar tones, as seen on “Remove Yourself” and “Down.” While Honestly, I am so fl attered by that, you know? was like, “I’m tellin’ you.” So then he went over and groans for its added dynamics, use of samples, inherent Patton-esque Well, like I just said, I dig Superjoint Ritual and the jazz bursts are gone, there is a well-blended construction. Th e songs It’s kind of a big deal. I mean, I’d love for to the dude and asked him for his hat back and weirdness, and (gasp)…an Aphex Twin cover? But, as anyone who has seen are much more simplifi ed and catchy, a vast departure for a band that obviously Black Sabbath is awesome. As far as everyone to like us, but it really means a lot for the guy taunted him some more, so he grabbed Dillinger live knows, they like to cover some off the wall songs. Anything writes songs in chapters. Just wait until the fi nal track, an instrumental second stage bands go, Lamb of God has been other musicians to be into us. We have kind from Th e Police to Nine Inch Nails has been fair game. But after the Patton his beer bottle and smashed it over his head. It full of Mahavishnu Orchestra jazz fusion. Th e vocals give way to a perhaps tearing it up every night. But I’d have to say seeing of always been a “band’s band,” which I like. EP, what lay in the future for the band was anyone’s guess. (Panasonic was awesome. unjustifi ed but nevertheless apparent comparison to Sevendust, along with Judas Priest play this much has been surreal. youth, phone home) I think respect from fellow musicians is more many songs giving a very In Flames-type vibe. important than popularity amongst the public. Th e last time Candiria was supposed to play Pittsburgh, in September So you’re from Buffalo — exactly how So, what’s the verdict on both new albums from these math metal Okay, so then who has been the must of 2002, they didn’t. Th e show was cancelled, just like the previous time much do you hate the Dallas Cowboys? the band was supposed to stop here. But, as some might’ve heard after pioneers? Mixed, just like their songs. I think opinions will be kinder for avoid band of the tour? I mean, I know Well, if you are the favorite of so many Aww man, touchy subject. Th ey were actually the show was cancelled, the band’s tour van had been all but obliterated the Dillinger Escape Plan. Th eir complex attack of mind-boggling guitar that for as many great bands there are bands out there today, who are some of my favorite team, behind the Bills, up until those by a tractor-trailer truck while they were on board. Every member of the and breakneck drumming has been enhanced with the new vocals and this year, there are some nu-metal turds your favorites? Brooklyn-based group was hospitalized with serious injuries. At the time, fucking Super Bowls. But that’s water under the added fl ourishes that set Miss Machine on a high and mighty pedestal. on the bill as usual. Converge and Coalesce have always been big for Candiria was touring in support of their album Th e Coma Imprint, a Th e purists may still scoff , but not as grievously as the diehard Candiria me. Th ey really helped our band kind of develop bridge. Th e Bills are going to be a diff erent team double-disc of remixed old songs, and a look into far-reaching side projects [Laughs] Yeah, you’re right. But no shit talking fans will. It’s not a bad thing that the band is now getting airplay and the sound we were going for, but I have to say next year, I’m telling you. Th ey’re growing. of bandmates. Unlike 2001’s 300 Percent Density, which was a pummeling from me about this tour – this has been such a more mainstream attention with this album. It is a bad thing that they that the new Dillinger Escape Plan is probably experience built upon massive riff s, intricate structure, and a large helping great opportunity for our band. Oh, but there are touring with Kittie. I won’t even get started. What Doesn’t Kill You… the best album ever. Yeah, let’s cross our fi ngers, right? Heh. of jazz-based musicianship, this album showed the diff erent interests of is some shit talked about our band and a few each member, ranging from jazz to hip-hop to techno. So when the buzz is in no way a bad album. Th e songwriting and skill of this band is still So last question – how many times have around the release of a new album in 2004 was to “expect something very apparent. It just seems that their focus has switched directions. But other bands. We have this crew called the “Shirts I’d say lyrically, you have always been on top you actually died? diff erent,” the possibilities seemed endless. how can you blame them? I’ve never been in a vehicle hit by a tractor- Off Crew” with some other of the more up and of your game. Your lyrics have consistently Oh boy. Hah. Umm, not yet today. But you Th at brings us up to date. Both bands set forth on a path less traveled, trailor. Maybe when it happened to them, they saw dollar signs instead coming bands, like Bleeding Th rough and shit been far superior to any other vocalist know, it is kind of being like a cat. I die like and subsequently left everyone wondering just what their new albums, of a white light. and basically, we just get real drunk and run of any hard rock vocalist and could be every day and then I wake up and forget how Dillinger’s Miss Machine and Candiria’s What Doesn’t Kill You…, would – ZACH BRADEN around with our shirts off and well, there are argued as some of the best in all of music it happened.

40 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 41 Culture Conspiracy Theory Miscellany

I’m all grown up now, baby can’t you Electronic Voting Scams Access database, which they changed to give the Review of the blue thong see?” ‘Fraid not, fellas. You may be scraggly- results they wanted and copied back to the ma- I found while stumbling alterna-rockers on the outside, but inside NYONE WHO VOTED IN 2000 chine with no one the wiser. you’re still 13. Say, is that your puberty fl oat- remembers the uneasy feeling that crept And perhaps the most ironic result of the home from the bar ing in my pool? A up the nation’s spine during the Florida push to use electronic voting machines: Studies Next up, Maroon 5’s “She Will Be recount debacle. Whatever your political affi lia- that compare touch-screen voting with the more Hello, gentle friend! Are you lost? Loved,” which opens with the lyric, “Beauty tion, you had to recognize that, despite all the prevalent lever and punch-card method reveal – PALMER ELDRITCH queen of only eighteen,” making us think media’s assurances, the system had failed. the punch-cards to be more accurate, as elderly M5 is driving the barely-legal bus to Paradise The dirty secret of political coverage is voters (I’m looking at you, Florida) tend to be City. Don’t be fooled! Th e post-pubescent that the system has always failed to some de- confused by the newer technology. poontang parading past singer Adam Levine gree. Votes are always lost, miscounted, dis- Complexity: Low. There’s nothing com- is just a decoy! I will boil this video down carded, in ways both innocuous and sinister. plex about insecure SmartCards and con- for you, thereby saving you the discomfort It’s a part of the political reality that the sys- fused elderly. of another display of painfully earnest “emo- tem is not perfect. Plausibility: High. Wait, I meant low. Crap, tion” from these tastefully disheveled “neo- But it’d never failed as spectacularly as in I think I just aided the terrorists. soul rock” genitalia scrapings: “Hey, I’m with 2000, the year journalist Mark Danner called Where It Will Help You Score: Use this con- a pretty hot lady friend right now, dancing “the perfect storm” of voting failures. Th at spiracy theory at hacker conventions and com- real close-like….WAIT A MINUTE! Who spawned the Help America Vote Act of 2002, puter science departments. For a fresh twist, try is that fi ne Mature Honey? I bet she has which dumped $3.9 billion into the states dropping Stalin’s maxim, “Th ose who cast the squeezed a child through her uterus, and which needed updated voting machines. Th e votes decide nothing; those who count the votes that makes me want her…want her BAD. idea was that newer technology would prevent decide everything,” on that pretty young thing Time to fi nd a rainstorm where I can look another Florida ‘00. demonstrating next to you. poetic. Th en she will be mine.” One problem: the machines – ATM-like sys- Ha ha, I know what you mean! Aren’t we Sure, maybe we expect this kind of emo- tems with touch-screens – don’t work. Or when all lost in this game called life? But seriously, tional retardation from a band originally they do work, strange things happen: double- shouldn’t you be peeking out the back of some named Kara’s Flowers (now, was that written digit leads evaporate overnight, votes disappear co-ed’s low-rise jeans? on your high school notebook in glitter, or or multiply, two Texas Republican candidates are Oh, that is a sad story. Right there in the pink highlighter?), who is produced by the elected with the exact same number of votes. street? Did her friends say anything? same guy who brought you Michelle Branch Of course, it’s pure coincidence that many of Too drunk, yes, I understand. I’m sorry for and that number one reason to repeal the as- these machines are manufactured by Diebold, you, but we’ve all been there. We all forget our sault weapons ban, the Goo Goo Dolls. a heavy Republican contributor whose CEO is friends now and again, even if those friends are But the MILF virus has infected our “committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral as intimately acquainted as you and she. bubblecrap punksters, too! Busted, a British votes to the president next year.” It’s also coin- Adventures? Why, no, I guess I’ve never real- “band” whose photogenic, twenty-some- cidental that Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is ly considered having any adventures…I’m more thing members aspire to look thirteen, catches the MILF express at the the former head of, and retains an interest in, of the go-along to get-along type. “hot for teacher” stop, with “What I Go To School For.” What they go ES&S -- the company that provides all of Ne- Are you saying we should team up to Return of the MILF to school for is Miss MacKenzie, a thirty-three year-old middle-school braska’s voting machines. Th ose same machines fight crime? teacher. I know she’s a middle-school teacher because I, unlike the mem- delivered Hagel’s stunning upset in 1996, in Ok, you’re right. Sorry, that was silly of me. ECENTLY I WAS FORCED TO WATCH SEVERAL HOURS bers of the band, recognize the sweet fruit of just-blossoming womanhood which he swept virtually every demographic I was temporarily blinded by your fl ashy sequins of MTV Hits, as a freak encounter with a hay baler had left me when I see it, and that class is ten pounds of fi ne in a fi ve pound bag. group to become the fi rst Republican Senator of and glittering promises. I’m just a simple fellow, Rtemporarily armless and unable to operate a remote. (With perhaps an extra three pounds of underage naughtiness busting out Nebraska in 24 years. really, not one to rock the boat. Sometimes, late Eventually the sound of my own screams died away, and as the blood the top. Ha! Busting!) Unfortunately for the girls, who swoon in vain, the It’s easy to speculate about such oddball re- at night, though, I think… no. I shouldn’t say. cleared from my eyes, I realized this could be an informative, if traumatiz- boys of Busted have eyes only for the pear-shaped Miss MacKenzie. Th at, sults because the machines leave no paper trail. Well, it’s just that yes, I too have dreams. Pro- ing, experience: I’d learn something of about the youth of today, about my friend, is a bitter, bitter fruit. How do you check to make sure vote counts saic, maybe, to someone like you, a blue thong their habits and mores, their tastes and fears. Most importantly, I’d learn What is going on here? Have the events of 9/11 so shell-shocked our are accurate? You ask the machine. Surprisingly loose in the big city, going wherever the winds how to successfully bed them. collective wang that the only safety is the comfort of Mommy’s teat? Have (not), the computer will never be wrong accord- carry you. But they’re my dreams, nonetheless. What I found was horrifying. Ye, I have looked into the eye of the these musician’s genitals, already shriveled and small, retreated entirely ing to its records. No, your life is not for me, slender blue abyss and seen staring back: the MILF-centric video storyline. into their body cavities, turtle-like, at the sharp existential thwack! of the Critics of the machines claim this lack of ac- thong. Too razzle-dazzle, too fast-lane, too hot Th e MILF, from the Latin milfus proclivitus, meaning, “mommy War on Terror? Or is this just another variation of the old, “Yeah, your countability makes it easy to steal an election. blacktop and unprotected sex in highway rest makes me feel tingly, down in my pants,” has been with us for a long mom’s pretty hot, but if you take of your bra…well, that might get my So easy, in fact, that election rigging may be- stops – I’d only slow you down. But I’m glad time, from Oedipus – the original, if unintentional, MILF-hunter – to attention…” strategy? Perhaps more relevant: Does the singer of Maroon come the new hobby of bored MIT students, you’re out there, living the life I sometimes, in Freud, whose MILFing about seriously derailed male psyches for genera- 5 sleep with a blue teddy-bear, or is it pink? (Excuse me, rose.) or even community college students. Children my most secret heart, wish I had. tions to come. But the MILF-obsessed have always been a small subset of It’s impossible to say, if only because I will probably never get to ask may also get in on the act. Now hop on, my postage-stamp-and-den- the population, the ones sitting alone at the prom, gazing lovingly into the members of Busted, much less murder them. Defenders reply that creating a verifi able pa- tal-fl oss-looking friend. Let me take you where a picture of your mother. But that’s all a side show, really, next to what I really learned. I learned per trail is fi nancially unfeasible. After all, look you’ll be able to live – LIVE! I’ll drop you in how hard it is to get an ATM to print your re- Th ese days, though, the MILF Hunter has gone mainstream. that while the scrappy Brit-punks of Busted, the artsy white-soul-meis- the mailbox of my neighbor, the one who slides ceipt (sarcasm.) Watch MTV Hits and it’s obvious. Exhibit One: Th e venerable “Sta- ters of Maroon 5, and the tiny little Fountains of Wayne are out stalking notes under my door, asking me to turn down In addition to all that, there’s the lack of se- cy’s Mom” video. Th is Fountains of Wayne video stars Rachel Hunter as Stacy’s mom, Stacy’s home by herself, with a broken heart. my pornography after 11 PM. curity around the machines. A group of hackers – you guessed it – Public MILF Number One. She undresses while the And in this case, Stacy’s name is actually Hillary Duff . – CANTELLE FONTAIN found they could break into one using a bent band sings, “I’m not the little boy that I used to be/ Hillary, call me. – CORNELIUS BLACKSHEAR paperclip. Once inside, they found a Microsoft more info at www.blackboxvoting.org

42 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 43 Eating Out

Food Fight! Th e Lemongrass Café. As Eaten by Mandy Melodini

HIS MONTH’S FOOD FIGHT THEME hails from hot and rainy Th ailand, a land Tknown for its Buddhist monks, religious tolerance (it’s illegal to insult any religion in the country), hospitality, and more importantly, food. Although there are only a few Th ai eateries in Pittsburgh, the ones we got are worth checking out. But only one will hold the highly coveted, completely meaningless Th ai Curry Championship Belt, awarded exclusively by Deek Magazine. Th e contenders are *insert dramatic entrance music here*: Th ai Me Up and

Thai Me Up, Spank Me and Call Me Susan: The Lemongrass Café, An Offi ce Slave’s Downtown Oasis: Th ai iced tea is one of the fi rst things that make people blow their load When you’re cramped in a fucking downtown offi ce for eight hours a when dining at a typical Th ai restaurant. It is a native-grown red-leafed tea day, fi nding an outdoor dining spot isn’t just a delicacy – it’s inherent to that is usually brewed strong and then capped with a rich swirl of milk or the preservation of sanity. Enter Th e Lemongrass Café. Nestled on bus- half-and half. And Th ai Me Up has the best glass around. traffi c-heavy 6th Street… mmm, fumelicious… Lemongrass boasts quick, Th e best part about Th ai Me Up’s tea is the presentation – a honking friendly service and a fl owery, not-hideous outdoor décor – a notable portion served in a thick, heavy pint glass, with fun, round ice cubes. When achievement in the Pittsburgh market. you blend, threads of cream dive into the red tea like little synchronized Lemongrass serves traditional Cambodian cuisine and Th ai selections. swimmers. It’s so good it makes me want to rub the old clitty against my Phad Th ai is a popular dish; rice fl our noodles are stir-fried with shrimp and chair. chicken, shredded celery, carrots, scallions, fresh bean sprouts and ground Th e interior is relaxed, intimate and stylish, with subdued Merlot-and peanuts in a sweet and tangy sauce. I ordered the “Red curry,” a melange champagne-colored walls adorned with black and white photographs. of potatoes, bamboo shoots, onions, green pepper, eggplant, broccoli and Th ere are only a few tables inside, so if you’re heading in around coconut milk. Th ough tasty, the dish is a little busy. It’s hard to concentrate dinnertime, expect a wait. Your patience will be rewarded. Cheap and/or on any one fl avor because so many are be-bopping around in your mouth impatient bastards might try the lunch special (Mon.-Fri., 11 a.m.- 2:30 at once. A variation of this dish uses Cambodian rice noodles instead of p.m.), which off ers a choice between 13 dishes (with meat or tofu), soup steamed rice. and a spring roll for $5.50 Lemongrass’s version of Th ai iced tea is commendable, but I’m just a For starts, the coolness of a Th ai Me Up roll (tofu with shredded sucker for those little round ice cubes. lettuce, mint, vermicelli and basil leaves) is a refreshing and palatable treat. For the Ted Nugents and Atkins Assholes, many dishes can be ordered Deep-fried tofu, served with peanut sauce, is a bit heartier for those with with chicken, beef, shrimp or a meat-tastic blend of ‘em all. For the tree bigger appetites and/or fatter asses. huggin’ hippies, about half the menu items are available as vegetarian (tofu Th e “Pineapple curry” dish might be the best bloody entrée I’ve ever for an extra charge… bastards. In their defense, the portions are generous). tasted. Coconut milk is fl avored with piquant red curry paste and blended Each lunch option includes a house soup (Lemongrass, wonton or hot & with hunks of sweet pineapple and fresh, thinly sliced carrots. A visually sour) and a petite, crisp vegetable spring roll served with a sweet, sultry tantalizing dish is “Eggplant with basil leaves;” the violet in the eggplant dipping sauce. Th e Lemongrass soup is a fl avorful, tangy broth, with small comes to life against a backdrop of bell peppers, spicy, brown garlic sauce chunks of tomato and fresh mushrooms. Overall, it’s a great value and a ton and, naturally, basil. It’s best to order these dishes with tofu; the succulent of food, entirely too much for one person in one sitting…unless you’re a texture of tofu sucks in the juice and explodes the fl avor into your mouth… disgusting, gluttonous pig-fucker. but in a good way, not like some sneaky boyfriend trying to blast one off before giving ya the ol’ tap-a-roo. If you’re too much of a pussy to handle scary tofu, order it with chicken. Ba-Kaw! next month in Deek Th ai Me Up Th e Lemongrass Café Price range: $ 6.95-$8.50, for entrees Price range: $6.50-$7.95, for entrees Th e Rock and Roll Incident 1925 East Carson Street 124 Sixth Street South Side Downtown send submissions and ideas to And the winner is: THAI ME UP! [email protected] Th e pineapple-coconut milk combo makes me sweat just thinking about it. And I’m glad my Th ai-tea cherry was popped by the master, but now I’m ruined for all others to follow. Sob. more information available at www.deekmagazine.com remember: Deek is your voice - your words and your art keep it alive - and you are free to speak. 44 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 45 Advice Essay

We Have Rules Here Ask By Sam S. Mart Dr. G

Q: My husband wants some backdoor action (and I don’t mean the usual doggy-style), but I’m just not that kind of girl. However, I am intrigued that he would want to do this because he is such a hygiene freak. Still, he is rather large and I am terrifi ed of the pain that I expect to occur if I agree to do this. What should I expect? Is there a way to do this without excessive pain? Just how “dirty” is it if we take precautions?

A: I think your husband should get in touch with this person:

Q: How do I discuss my desire for anal stimulation with my husband of 15 years? And why am I embarrassed to mention it? Okay, I’ll admit that my answer to the fi rst question was cheap and that consider. Try having this conversation in a non-sexual context, as it’s not I’m above such pain-in-the-ass antics. Well, maybe not. But shit, let me really something you can just roll over for after a bit of pillow talk (more (Regarding the images intended for use in the Deek Magazine Political Incident) take a crack at banging out a proper top-level answer. Butt. on that in a minute). If he is down, then you’ll soon be off exploring whole other worlds together, and if he’s not, perhaps he’ll be willing to give it a I should preface my answer with the following disclaimer: I am a straight shot for your sake. male, and as a life-long straight male I have never been on the receiving end of such an act, so I can’t speak to the pain or pleasurable aspects of Now to both of you: Yes, you can expect pain at fi rst. For the uninitiated, it. I can say that most women and gay men that I’ve spoken with on the it can be a diffi cult and awkward experience. Th ink about how clumsy Essay subject do report that it can be quite painful but does have its rewards. As your fi rst experience with vaginal intercourse was and remember, that’s one woman put it “there’s a whole other world in your ass.” supposed to be the easy way. After you have your discussions with your respective partners and you are ready to be “that kind of girl” I recommend God Only Knows However, despite my lack of that you take a trip downtown to your By Rob Rossi qualifi cations on the subject of gift local adult bookstore and enter in the receiving, I suspect that both of your back (I just couldn’t resist that one). ITH EVERY PASSING DAY IN THIS PRESIDENTIAL fi nancial follies are of his own making, not those of Dick Cheney or Donald husbands are straight males as well, and Read up on the topic, look at pictures, Rumsfeld. He’s the proverbial kid in the candy store, yeah – but how many of that puts me in a pretty good position consider picking up one of the election I become more convinced that God does to answer you (the advanced degree many commercially available devices W indeed exist. And here’s the rub: G-shizzle (to his those kids are running the candy store? helps a little). designed for anal insertion (i.e. butt peeps, whomever they may truly be) is one apathetic puppy. Don’t get me wrong: I like Mr. President well enough – just not plugs), and buy some good water-based How else to explain the two major party candidates chasing enough to re-elect him, but this is mostly because as a Republican who Regarding Q’s backdoor wanting lube; you’ll need it. Th en, go back to Lady Liberty’s love? Only the Higher Power could give its children believes in conservatism I think the guy makes for a lousy representative husband: for most hetero men, anal sex the bedroom and practice. Start small, free will to select one of these dull knifes to cut the meat (life), leader of my chosen political party. Plus, you know, he can’t say nuclear is about as kinky as they can imagine preferably with a fi nger, and move to potatoes (liberty) and the apple pie (pursuit of happiness). and that really does scare me. getting (among gays I suspect it’s the bigger and better things when you are Start with Mr. President, who I’m told I can trust because he’s Then again, he’s not John Kerry – and such would be good enough to least). Men are relatively easy to please comfortable. Take it slow, use lots of the sort of fella with whom I could comfortably engage in casual get my vote in almost any election year. Just not this election year. (There sexually and most never develop a lubrication, stay clean, and remember taste for much more than good old- to communicate with your partners. conversation over a few beers at any South Side pub. Right – and I isn’t enough space in this fine publication for my anti-Kerry feelings; in fashioned guy-on-girl humping. From what I understand, as a life-long want to marry a Miss Pretty who reminds me of Mom. Never cared a word: Everything.) However, even for diehard fans of straight male, don’t expect much more to understand the logic – or considerable lack thereof – behind such According to misinformed – which is to say, mostly everybody in the vanilla, the missionary position can get a bit redundant and a little change than a happy husband from your fi rst time. But if you stick with it and thinking; my President should have better things to do than buy me media – the national presidential election of 2004 is a watershed moment is necessary. For the husband who’s tried every position in the Kama Sutra, develop a taste for taboo, you may be pleasantly surprised. drinks. At the very least he should have that much in common with in our nation’s history. And while I can’t fi nd one reputable source to tell me whips and chains can seem a bit drastic but anal, with all of its associated the Miss Pretties who, like Mom, won’t pay me a hint of attention why he who wins this election will suddenly change America forever, I have taboos, can be the fi nal frontier. Hell, if you listened to Howard Stern any Or hell, just swap husbands with each other. when I’m down 0-2 in the count. decided to cast my vote while keeping such impending importance in mind. morning and you’d get the impression that the butt is the holy grail of sex And anyway, shouldn’t the Leader of the Free World have As for who gets my vote – an important vote, to be sure (see: Florida for straight men. And you’d be right. P.S. I recommended using a water-based lube because oil-based lubricants enough clout to score drinks on the house? (Scotch, Dubbya – aged, 2000); I just can’t say as of yet. can damage latex condoms. Anal sex is risky business, and even if you’ve Th is brings me to Q’s husband of 15 years. Anal sex is a very common been married for 15 years you should consider using condoms. If you are the expensive stuff .) But G-shizzle knows that neither George W. Bush nor John Kerry are male fantasy and desire, and it is likely that your husband already thinks concerned about possible health risks, please consult a physician. President Bush is no more qualifi ed to run this country than a worthy of my time. In fact, I’m pretty sure that they’re not much worthy of about doing a bit of spelunking from time to time. If neither of you lapdog, which is exactly what some liberals would have you believe his (or hers), either. has approached the topic in 15 years of marriage, my advice is to test Got a question for the Doctor? he is. I couldn’t disagree more. In fact, what scares me most about the waters with him and see if it’s something he thinks about or would Send him an email at [email protected] George W. Bush is that I honestly think most of his foreign and God bless us, one and all.

46 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 47 Event Listings – October through November 2004 Event Listings – October through November 2004

Keith Carter: Poet Of The Ordinary Zippo Hot Tour featuring Fullproof, skrewloose, nemeziz ...Skell, Master Plan, Strange Way & Shadow Jones. U2 on their latest album. Silver Eye’s current exhibit of Keith Carter. This exhibit includes event type Music:Rock North Hills Community Outreach benefi ting Millvale, Shaler, Etna, Acoustic Open Stage when: Tue Oct 19: 6:30PM approximately 50 photographs, in an overview of the Texas-based Its all about supporting local music. Voting chose three of Sharpsburg benefi ting Residential families and small buisnesses. event type Music:Acoustic:Singer-Songwriter; Music:Open Mic where: Mr. Small’s Theatre TO GET YOUR EVENT LISTED artist’s work. When: : Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays: Pittsburgh’s favorite rock acts who will be performing tonight. In Taking place at Mr. Smalls featuring the best in Pittsburgh modern This night is designed to provide a platform for novice + expert neighborhoodN/A 12 p.m. thru Oct. 23. Silver Eye Center for Photography, Southside. addition to the music, fans will get to meet the beautiful Zippo rock, and at the Phoenix Steak House (1600 Evergreen) featuring singer-song writers to polish their skills. Hosted by Abby Ahmed. it’ll cost you$9 adv, $11 door FOR FREE SEND AND EMAIL TO Free for all ages:. www.thisishappening.com Hotties and have a chance to win some cool stuff like t’s, beanies, blues & oldies including Smokin’ Joe Rossi & Cold Dawn, The Makers, when: Wednesdays: 9PMJun 2 2004–Dec 22 2004 ages:all ages: Zippo lighters and more. The Retro, Longtime Darlings, Kendall Romanelli, Dreamcatcher, & where: Shadow Lounge [email protected] Thursday Night Downtown when: Fri Oct 8: 8PM School of Athens. Shuttles to run between each venue. neighborhoodEast Liberty Suncrumbs’ Steel City Poetry Slam A weekly gabfest & gathering of big thinkers, beer drinkers, soda where: Mr. Small’s Theatre when: Sun Oct 10: 1PM it’ll cost you$3 Aphronot 7 (aka Ashwin)’s comments: New season starting. jerks, journalists, jabberjaws, theoriticians, thespians, comedians, neighborhoodN/A where: Mr. Small’s Theatre ages:all ages: event type Literary:Poetry:Slam lowbrows, politicians, and the otherwise-inclined. All working it’ll cost you$5.00 neighborhoodN/A Open-mic qualifying slam for Team Pittsburgh 2005. Third Tuesday please: together on the principle of revitalizing Downtown, one beer at a ages:21+ it’ll cost you$10 wristband for both venues 19th Annual Pittsburgh International Lesbian and of every month at the Shadow Lounge. Hosted by Nikki Allen and time. Everyone’s invited. Politix, politix & more politix. If you wanna ages:all ages: Gay Film Fest feat. DJ Selecta from 720Records. PSI-Certifi ed. plan a month in advance – the work the 2004 election, let’s talk, we’ve got the plan(s). Thursdays: Planned Parenthood pub crawl/debate watch more info event type Film PILGFF PRESENTS 19TH ANNUAL FESTIVAL when: Tue Sep 21: 9PMTue Oct 19: 9PM deadline for submissions is the fi rst 5:30 p.m. Sammy’s Famous Corned Beef - 9th Street, Downtown. Jason’s comments: Politics, drinking, free condoms. Hmm. Mosquitos w/ Liz Berlin, Ben Hackett, School of The 19th annual Pittsburgh International Lesbian and Gay Film Tue Nov 16: 9PM Free for all ages:. www.thisishappening.com event type Politics; Public Health Athens... Festival (PILGFF) will be held this year from October 15 through where: Shadow Lounge Monday of each month. Event listings Support Planned Parenthood -- watch the debate with us on Friday event type Music:Rock:Indie ...the Michael Ruhl Band. October 24, and include more than 40 fi lms and videos exploring neighborhoodEast Liberty are free, and unlimited. For example, Voter Education Walks and Phonebanks night and join us in a pub crawl. The title of Mosquitos’ second album, Sunshine Barato, is a lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered themes. The historic it’ll cost you$5 We’re contacting environmentalists in Pittsburgh who’ve voted 2 or when: Fri Oct 8: 8:30PM combination of English and Portuguese that literally means “cheap Harris Theater in Downtown Pittsburgh and the Shepherd Wellness ages:: all ages: if you are looking for a drummer or less times in the last 4 elections to give them credible non-partisan where: Pittsburgh Deli Company sunshine.” It perfectly suits this sensual, whimsical, bilingual Community Auditorium in Bloomfi eld will be among the screening something, send in a listing. Same information about the presidential candidates, George W. Bush neighborhoodShadyside collection of 15 tracks that chronicle the sort of experiences money venues for the 2004 event. when: Fri Oct 15–Sun Oct 24: 2PM Gomez and John Kerry. Then, we’re going to encourage them to get out to ages:all ages: can’t buy, like lying on an empty beach, dancing in the rain, or falling where: Harris Theater event type Music:Rock goes for a date or a maid or a the polls on November 2nd. We’re reaching people by phone and asleep next to someone you love. neighborhoodDowntown The British band Gomez is a fi ve-piece, consisting of Ben Ottewell dominatrix or whatever. by walking in their communities giving them literature. Mondays, Roboto Record Fair Free Yuengling Drafts with proper ID! it’ll cost you$See website (vocals, guitar), Tom Gray (vocals, guitar, keyboards), Paul Blackburn Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays: 6 p.m. Saturdays 10 a.m. thru Mike Q Roth’s comments: This should be fun. A good chance to pick when: Sun Oct 10: 8PM ages:18+ (bass, guitar), Olly Peacock (drums), and Ian Ball (vocals, guitar, Nov. 2. Free for all ages:. Sponsored by the Pittsburgh Sierra Club. up some of those records by pittsburgh bands that you never got where: Mr. Small’s Theatre harmonica). Where:as the majority of up and coming British bands Be creative. www.thisishappening.com around to, as well as a chance to swap some of those records you neighborhoodN/A Ministry w/ My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, Hansel und Gretyl are either retro-pop (à la Oasis), trip-hop (Portishead), or space just don’t want anymore. it’ll cost you$10 adv, $12 door Aphronot 7 (aka Ashwin)’s comments: Technoir-Audio crew is split rock (the Verve, Radiohead), Gomez is one of the few to contain Digital Goodtime presents Solution @ Chemistry Aphronot 7 (aka Ashwin)’s comments: hmm...records... ages:all ages: down the line...to go, or not to go - Can the group still hold it down? bluesy elements in their rock. when: Fri Oct 22: 8PM This space is open to you, for free. Digital Goodtime is proud to present Solution @ Chemistry, where: event type Music:Rock:Indie; Music:Rock:Punk I was more of a Skinny Puppy fan, but the one Pigface show I went where: Mr. Small’s Theatre the world’s top electronic music performers display their skills every An impromptu record fair and swap - will include a liquidation sale Russ Meyer’s “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls” was fun as h... neighborhoodN/A Thursday night alongside the resident DG DJ’s. Thursdays: 9 p.m. for the catalog of 90’s pittsburgh indie label Peas Kor, along with event type Film event type Music:Goth it’ll cost you$15.50 adv, $17.50 door Take advantage of it. Club Chemistry, Strip District. $5 before 12, $7 after great deals from some other labels like Pop Bus/SSS, Hard Travelin’, According to the Village Voice, BVD is “a psychedelic wow that Ministry’s fi rst platinum record sported “N.W.O.,” a track with ages:: all ages: 21+. www.thisishappening.com etc. Anyone else who has records to sell or swap is encouraged to serves up the free love, plunging necklines, androgynous boys, and samples of then-President George W. Bush’s pronouncements come out. Bring a wad of cash and have fun. lusty lezzies of the era with a narcotized abandon.” Perhaps the of world domination. Ten years later, Jr. Bush is playing with his Gwar with Dying Fetus, All That Remains more info Also: All event listings are unedited. Thursdays @ Havana when: Sat Oct 9: 2PM most interesting of Meyer’s oeuvre, a breastploitation-fl ick-with- train set in the Oval Offi ce, and the world is in turmoil. So, although event type Music:Rock:Metal; Music:Rock:Thrash The longest running club weekly in Pittsburgh. Every Thursday where: Mr. Roboto Project brains. (Directed by Russ Meyer; USA; 1970; 109 min) the title of Ministry’s second disc for Sanctuary, Houses Of The Mock the Vote Tour. - House and Techno DJs. Intimate atmosphere - Matini bar & neighborhoodWilkinsburg when: Mon Oct 11–Tue Oct 12: 7:30PMWed Oct 13: 5:30PM, Molé, invokes metal masters Led Zeppelin and traditional Mexican Woe to the Earth! For GWAR is arisen! From the ever-night of their Lounge with Outdoor Back Patio. Thursdays 10 p.m. Club Havana, it’ll cost you$Free 7:30PMThu Oct 14: 7:30PM cooking, the content is more deserving of the title All Fluxed Up. frozen Antarctic abyss, mutant metal marauders GWAR once again Shadyside. No cover charge. 21+. www.thisishappening.com ages:all ages: where: Harris Theater when: Fri Oct 15: 7:30PM stalk the world of man, neighborhoodDowntown where: Mr. Small’s Theatre ready to heave and cleave Call for Artists @ Gypsy Cafe more info Watching Movies Like a Reviewer it’ll cost you$6 neighborhoodN/A their way to the throne of ages:all ages: it’ll cost you$28.50 adv, $30 door utter mastery, a throne Pittsburgh’s budding artists need more opportunities like this! Get event type Education(al):Class; Film ages:all ages: perched atop the rotting out and get the good vibes fl owing! Gypsy Cafe is an Watching Movies Like a Reviewer bodies of a slaughtered intimate neighborhood cafe newly opened in the Southside. We are When: : 6 Consecutive Saturdays DJ Krush and defi led human race. looking for artists to display works for shows to change monthly. Start date: Saturday, 9 October 2004; 4:00-6:00pm Aphronot 7 (aka Ashwin)’s comments: Yes! This DJ-artist is one of CHAMPIONS OF POLITICS

If the works are for sale, Gypsy will happily act as seller at no cost Location: Crazy Mocha, Bloomfi eld the fi nest sound compositionists on the 1 & 2s. event type Politics:Activism:Rally Nov 11-13 Audition to the artist. Gypsy will also help to arrange an opening or closing Tuition includes food and drink every class night. Jason’s comments: Japanese DJ/musician Krush got tagged with the Celebrate this year’s election by showing that you’re a patriot with when: :Sat Nov 6: 8:15PM event for the show. Gypsy Café, Southside. John Huston, director of such Hollywood classics as the “The “trip-hop” label back when: that meant something, but he’s got true grit! Deek Magazine is hooking up with Pittsburgh Filmmakers where:: Mr. Small’s Theatre All Ages:. www.thisishappening.com African Queen,” “The Maltese Falcon,” “The Treasure of the Sierra more in common with frenchman DJ Cam and his brand of abstract to bring you Deek’s Political Release Fiasco. neighborhoodN/A MEET THE XXX Nite Madre” and “Prizzi’s Honor,” said that for a movie to be a hit, hip-hop. His latest release, “Jaku”, is great, dark and atmospheric when: Fri Oct 15: 8:45PM it’ll cost you$18 adv, Final Fridays at Chiodo’s all it needed were three great scenes and no bad ones. How do with touches of Japanese fl utes, strings, and drum and bass rhythms. where: Regent Square Theater $20 door SUPERSTAR $200 fi lmmakers decide what’s great vs. what to leave on the cutting- Hip-hop is completely global now, and it’s fascinating to listen to neighborhoodRegent Square ages:: all ages: Chiodo’s also has a restaurant side where: you can sit with your room fl oor – and how do fi lm reviewers know what to praise or to what other cultures have made of it. it’ll cost you$6 Cash Prize entire family. Feed the kids and while they’re chewing tell them all FEATURED pan? Come join discussions about the fi lm elements all reviewers event type Music:Electronic; Music:Hip-Hop Donna the Buffalo about the “old days” and the evils of that Walgreen guy. And you can ages:all ages: cite: storyline, direction, acting, dialogue, editing and sound-track. Gifted producer & DJ with a superb sense in Mixing and composing event type Music:Acoustic even use it as a lead-in to the evils of the Walton guy, too! Sounds IN EMINEM’S when: Saturdays: 4PM his sound who’s been well-received in the International club scene. Wed. like a classic literary epic in the making, doesn’t it? Were it not for The Amish Monkeys Oct 9 2004–Nov 13 2004 KRUSH began pursueing his solo career in Late 1992, and soon Funky and danceable bars like this, Pittsburgh would be a lesser thing--a nice kid who got event type Theater/Performance MUSIC where: Crazy Mocha/Dreaming Ant grabbed people’s attention as the fi rst DJ to use Turntables as live with a message of tribal beat up a lot. With the magic wand of urban decimation comes chain Join the Amish Monkeys for a fast-paced evening of improvisational Nov. 3 neighborhoodBloomfi eld instruments such as doing free sessions with live Musicians on stage philosophy and celebration, store romance (not always such a bad thing, really, but frequently comedy! The Amish Monkeys rely heavily on audience suggestions VIDEO it’ll cost you$135 when: Mon Oct 11: 9:30PM Donna the Buffalo’s music so) with weasles in shiny suits selling out the landmarks to satisfy to create their spontaneous scenes, which include everything from ages:all ages: where: Mr. Small’s Theatre is a unique blend of reggae, out-of-control high performance unleaded habits. I’ll never shop at TV parodies to original songs. If you’re looking for a unique, neighborhoodN/A rock, country, zydeco, Walgreens again. There is no upside in the loss of Chiodo’s for a unpredictable evening of entertainment, an Amish Monkeys show is it’ll cost you$15 adv, $17 door cajun, and folk traditions. f***ing Walgreen’s. Drown your sorrows in drink while you still can. Midnite Snake @ Vampire Mountain the ticket! when: Sat Sep 11: 8PMSat Oct 16: 8PMSat Nov 6: ages:all ages: The dual vocals of Tara As you may know, one of the fi nest bars in Pittsburgh is slated for Jason’s comments: South Oakland house party. Because don’t we 8PMSat Dec 18: 8PM Nevins and Jeb Puryear demolition. Joe Chiodo has run this bar for 57 years, and he’s ready all need to get drunk and sweaty in a basement with strangers every where: Gemini Theater provide a hypnotic quality to hang it up. Walgreen’s says they’re going to tear it down. I say once in a while? The Cramps w/ The Gore Gore Girls, Legendary neighborhoodPoint Breeze to the melody, adding we’re going to have a drink there every Friday until they do. Join me. event type Music:Rock:Experimental; Music:Rock:Indie Hucklebucks it’ll cost you$7 to the band’s unusual when: Fridays: 6PM Aug 13 2004–Dec 24 2004 Who needs vocals? Not Midnite Snake. They play Saturday, Ocober event type Music:Rock:Rockabilly ages:all ages: instrumentation and where: Chiodo’s Tavern 9th with Two Sexy Beasts, Mary Celeste, and Origen a.k.a. Will The Cramps’ unique sound synthesizes classic rockabilly, touches Stanton. Dance Party to follow the show. Brought to you by Enamel original sound. when: Thu neighborhoodHomestead (Borough) of psychedelia, and lyrical fare devoted mostly to monster movies “Outfoxed” plus Bill Steigerwald Records. \ Nov 18: 8PM ion it’ll cost you$Free and sleazy sex into an infectious, gloriously tasteless conglomeration Aphronot 7 (aka Ashwin)’s comments: I think it’s pretty obvious iss when: Sat Oct 9: 7PM where: Mr. Small’s Theatre Adm ages:21+ of American trash culture. While their subject matter may verge just watching the channel the classic propaganda techniques they Off where: VampireMountain neighborhoodN/A $5 ad on offensive to some, their obvious sense of humor and the fun, employ, perhaps this fi lm might enlighten on that area. with this neighborhoodOakland it’ll cost you$18 adv, Multi-genre Live Music Showcase disposable feel of their best work prevent the listener from ever event type Film:Documentary; Politics Lingerie Day it’ll cost you$4 $20 door Daisy Mae event type Music: Acoustic:Classical Guitar; Music:World taking things more seriously than they should. “[A]n obsessively researched expose.” – NY Times Magazine. ages:all ages: ages:all ages: & Nite Pittsburgh Live Music and the Guitar Society of Fine Art presents when: Tue Oct 12: 7:30PM Documentary all about the journalism practices at Fox News. featuringMidnite Snake; Mary Celeste; Two Sexy Beasts another “Live Music Showcase” event. Live Classical music joins where: Mr. Small’s Theatre Followed by a talk by Bill Steigerwald, associate editor of the Madison Wed. Nov.17 Night Club music genres for evenings of Exceptional Mixed Musical neighborhoodN/A Tribune-Review. Fangs of the Panda, My Sexiest Mistake more info Expression from 6:00pm to 9:00pm on Fridays at Club Café it’ll cost you$17.50 adv, $20.00 door when: Mon Oct 18: 8PM Seductive Southern Belle event type Music:Rock:Garage Rock Big Chest Nite South Side. The October 8th program includes the Pittsburgh Live ages:all ages: where: Regent Square Theater Quiet Storm’s third anniversary weekend! Chamber Ensemble, D.C. Fitzgerald’s Blues Guitar & Harmonica neighborhoodRegent Square Thur. Nov. 18 when: Sat Oct 9: 9PM Nov. 22-27 Duo, and Tim & Elise - Instrumental and Vocal Duo with original Spoken Word Open Mic it’ll cost you$6 12:45 Matinee Friday where: Quiet Storm works and jazz standards. Great bar and menu. Non-smoking event type Literary:Poetry:Slam ages:all ages: neighborhoodGarfi eld Duo Shows when: Fri Oct 8: 6PM The mic is open for anyone to express their inner child or just pratice it’ll cost you$5 Fri/Sat. Nov. 19/20 where: Club Cafe romantic metaphors that will you get you laid. ages:all ages: The Beautiful Mistake w/ Tokyo Rose, Park, My New Life neighborhoodSouthside when: Tuesdays: 9PMJun 1 2004–Dec 21 2004 event type Music:Rock:Experimental www.clube.com it’ll cost you$5.00 to $7.00 where: Shadow Lounge North Hills Community Benefi t featuring pi, The The Beautiful Mistake is a four-piece heavy/experimental rock band ages:all ages: neighborhoodEast Liberty from southern California. Combining their infl uences into a succinct Hammer,The You.. featuringGuitar Society of Fine Art (GSFA); Pittsburgh Live Music it’ll cost you$3 package, they worked to merge the heaviness and experimental side 135 9th St. • Downtown Pgh • 281-7703 produced by Guitar Society of Fine Art (GSFA); Pittsburgh Live Music event type Music:Rock ages:all ages: of Failure with the pop sensibilities, melody and chaotic guitars of

48 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 NOVEMBER 2004 – DEEK:POLITICS 49 Underappreciated Scholar May The Time Not Be Distant By Sid Stark I’ve heard all the arguments. Th e two-party system is a sham, just a Have you seen Osama bin Laden? I’m waiting to see his picture bunch of rich people stealing money from working stiff s, all politicians are on a milk carton. thieves, et cetera. I’m not going tell you that these perceptions do not have Th e germane issue is quite simple. Unfettered by concerns of re- any basis in fact. In fact, in most instances over the last thirty years or so, election, what might the incumbent and his “peeps” try during a I would be screaming as loudly as I could that “public service” is a sham, second term in offi ce? that each and every person who deigns to “nip at the public trough” does Let’s look at an issue near and dear to the hearts of many people: so with self-interest in mind. civil liberties. Th e party that “hates big government” wants government But not this time. in places where it has never been before. Th e incumbent party Yes, both Presidential Candidates are rich (one has already expressed its intention, to reverse turning the blessed union of souls into a Roe v. Wade. Where one stands on the issue /LD3COTTISH*OKE corporate merger), male, white, and Ivy- of availability of abortions is far less material League-educated. I’ll grant you that. than the question of whether or not it More importantly in this case, should even be an option. To deny the however, is the notion that, like availability of the option widens the 7HATDOYOUCALL"EERSON$RAUGHT Alice wandering through the gender gap and increases the likelihood forest with the Cheshire Cat, we of loss of adult life from clandestine fi nd ourselves at a fork in the performance of the procedure. It’s AND6ARIETIESOF3INGLE-ALT3COTCH road. Unlike Alice though, not up to the government; it’s up the path that we choose will to the people involved! have a great eff ect, both on Th e incumbent, and the Oil each of us individually and on Barons for whom he works, have all of us collectively. never met a drilling site they didn’t In my years of following like. Th ey have already redefi ned Presidential politics, I have the model for systematic never been so concerned about protection of the environment, the course our nation – and leaving the landowners to police the social fabric of that nation themselves. Th at would be like – might fi nd for itself if the leaving the Iraqi “insurgents” with wrong candidate wins. all the power there…Oh, that’s right. “FOUR MORE YEARS!” Th ey already did that, too. would be a disaster of epic If you have children, the All proportions. I can’t say it more Children Left Behind Act has been simply that that. a big success. And it’s a good thing Much is made of the incumbent’s this Administration doesn’t believe in slacker background – graduating Unfunded Mandates, where they require with Honors in Advanced Cocktail states to do things without giving them the Hour from Yale University. Besides, now money to do them. Th ey neglected to fund their that he is a Certifi ed Bible-Th umper, the education initiative to the level that it requires, and have incumbent has been cured of his profl igate ways by the Faith instituted a series of reforms designed to encourage teachers to teach !GOODSTART Healer. Hallelujah for that. children to regurgitate rather than to think. While we’re at it, we can leave aside each candidate’s professional Furthermore, the incumbent has had a man serving as his Attorney background and their individual paths to the Presidential candidacy. General who is clearly a progressive thinker. John Ashcroft thinks dancing Kerry served honorably in Vietnam, and the incumbent did his part, too is a sin. Clearly, such a visionary truly deserves to take his place among – working hard to get Dad’s cronies to pretend that he had shown up the foremost jurors of our nation’s history on Th e Supreme Court of the for duty. While Kerry was working hard in the Senate, the incumbent United States of America. Perfect place for him, no? worked the family business – doing the Saudi Royal Family’s bidding in Last, but certainly not least: I’m glad you have a job. You do oil distribution channels. have a job? Right? One more thing we can leave aside is each candidate’s honesty and So you can tell all the disaff ected and apathetic voters you know to integrity. Th e incumbent says that Kerry “fl ip-fl ops.” Quite a charge from park all that stuff at the polling place door as they go in. Our Constitution a man who has changed his rationale for sending troops to Iraq more depends on it. ’ times than Madonna changes religions. Th e incumbent did a terrifi c job of fi nding weapons of mass destruction amid the dunes around Baghdad. Granted, Saddam was a true S.O.B. as a ruler, but that was only after A transplanted Pittsburgher living in Washington, DC, Sid Stark graduated from the U.S. Government got done propping him up in his war with Iran Allderdice HS in 1977, UPenn in 1981 and received a Masters in Education Pipers Pub in the 80’s. And what of the terrorists? Tom Ridge has done a fi rst-rate from Pitt in 2000. Currently, he teaches high school English/Drama; the result job in Securing Our Homeland. As an expatriate Pittsburgher living near of a daring mid-life crisis. Washington, I can tell that whenever Ridge talks, no one listens. Th ey have 1828 East Carson Street Pittsburgh, PA 15203 cried “Wolf!” so often with their Terror Th reat Color Chart that no one His political pontifi cation and bombast are credited to two decades in the 412-381-3977 bothers anymore. business world. www.piperspub.com 50 DEEK:POLITICS – NOVEMBER 2004 0RODUCEDBY$EEK-AGAZINE,