The Joys and Challenges of Being Married to an Anglican Priest

Elspeth Shaw

“Why not me?”…That was the question I this church which subsequently became my spir- asked myself, when I was asked if I could think itual home, from where we got married, and our of anyone who might speak on the joys and chal- first child was baptised. On the second Sunday lenges of being married to a priest. “Why not there, the rector had arrived back from a holiday me?” After all, I have been married to my hus- in the USA. He told me that he was fed up with band Martin and priest for 43 years, with a the girls in his parish marrying unsuitable young wealth of experience to share with you now. men and that he had a curate coming through A memory that is vivid for me, is when being from Glasgow in the near future. The courtship driven in a car with a lady who was contemplat- was quick. We were engaged within three months ing filing for divorce. In a materialistic way she and married within the year. seemed to have so much – a husband who was The joy of this was that we fell in love, and a successful consultant doctor at the local hospi- were free to get married. Courtship was difficult. tal, two intelligent children, a beautiful thatched He lived in the rectory, his bedroom was on the house in the country etc. I am sure you can see top floor so Martin, my boyfriend, fiancé and the picture. She was bemoaning the dullness of future husband had to creep in up the stairs any- her marriage. I responded by saying that not for time he had visited me after work in the evening. one moment have I found our relationship bor- His regime was strict – one day off in the week ing. She was very obviously envious of that. – shared offices and daily mass and visiting of I am going to talk chronologically as each the parish in the evening until 10 pm. I had left stage of our marriage has had its different joys my parental home and home parish seven years and challenges. before and my father had died the previous year so we decided to get married in the church where It was a strange beginning. I came from a practis- my husband was a curate. To my horror there ing church going family and had felt supported was one lady who said to me that my husband by the church through my childhood, adoles- was committing adultery as he was already mar- cence, leaving home and student days. ried to the church! Everyone else seemed to be When I arrived in Edinburgh in my final elec- delighted. tive placement for six weeks I was not looking Before we married I spent a good period of particularly for a permanent relationship. I was time considering what the implications of being enjoying being there for the Commonwealth married meant. I saw marriage as a vocation, and Games and the Edinburgh Festival. I attended being a priest meant that my husband already St. Mary’s cathedral Edinburgh to begin with as had a vocation – is it possible to have both? He I enjoyed the music in the worship. When offered said to me that as far as the church and all its a permanent job, I decided perhaps a parish expectations were concerned that I should only church would suit me better so by chance I found undertake things that I wanted to do myself and

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not because I was married to him. This consid- Let me tell you a little bit about my husband. eration has been of supreme importance to me He is an inspirational person and has encouraged and very freeing. Inevitably there have been so many people in their own journeys of faith. many things we have wanted to do together, but He is very honest with everyone about his own at the same time things I definitely have not doubts and struggles. He doesn’t see himself as wanted to be involved with. I have at various academic, but when I looked with him just times been part of prayer groups, study groups, recently at the list of the 100 best theological help run youth groups, arrange pilgrimages, books, at some time or other he must have read cleaned churches, run a creche, made hundreds at least 80 of them! He is a very good preacher of cakes etc. In one job my name was put on the and speaker, whether it be to a small group of list to arrange the flowers in the Lady chapel in people, or a cathedral full of worshippers, and is the Cathedral without being asked. They thought a much sort after priest for retreats and for spir- I would be upset if my name was not put on the itual direction. He is also very attractive, which list. I replied that I was upset that my name was he isn’t aware of, which I have had to remind put on the list without being asked. I said I him about on several occasions. He is very dis- would be happy to do all manner of other things, ciplined about his prayer life, reading, saying the but flower arranging was not one of my talents daily office and his attendance at mass. He has – I know exactly how I would like the flowers been fortunate in being part of the Anglican to look but anytime I try, the flowers seem to Church in that for large parts of his ministry he have a “will of their own” and never go the way has been able to concentrate on using his gifts. I would like them to go! This has meant he never formally had to be part of synod until he was a bishop, and I think he My enthusiasm to be part of my husband’s min- would agree with me he is pretty useless at being istry backfired very early in our relationship. on committees, not always being able to see the Looking back this was helpful, but at the time wood for the trees. He also isn’t particularly it was painful. When I first met Martin he was interested in church politics, administration or in his noviciate for the Franciscan tertiaries, finance. This hasn’t always been a disadvantage, equivalent to oblates of other religious orders, as when he became bishop of Argyll and the Isles which has the expectation of living out the Fran- he was able to ask some very innocent questions ciscan rule as a “lay” person in the world. When about the finances that hadn’t previously been I first met him I was worried that he would asked which then led to him seeking help to rec- choose a brown habit – more worried than find- tify the situation. He does suffer from periods of ing another girlfriend! The Franciscans appealed depression and anxiety, but this vulnerability has to me as well, – after all, I was born on St. Fran- made his ability to pastor to people more mean- cis day, was baptised in a church whose dedica- ingful. tion was St. Francis and was in St. Francis House at my school. I did try the noviciate, but it just To return to our “downtown” anglo-catholic didn’t work for me. I did not have too much church in Edinburgh. It was the early seventies difficulty with the simple lifestyle – Martin when the then rector returned from London “full always said that of the two of us I am the one of the spirit” from meeting Graham Pulkingham who is more naturally the more Franciscan. To from Texas, which inspired a parish mission to me, who was already used to a Rule of Life, it learn more of the Charismatic movement. The was something extra for me that didn’t feel help- parish was literally swept up by this and as a ful to me on my spiritual journey. In spite of this consequence a community experience was I have been involved with the Franciscans over engaged upon centring round the Rectory. From the years without formalising this arrangement. the model set in the Acts of the Apostles, we held

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all things in common, we ate our main meal of families leading very separate lives. Ours survived the day together, and prayed together in the the two years we spent there due mostly to sup- house twice a day and shared a car. We had Sat- port we made from friends as our lives were very urday off as our family day. We pooled our separate at that time. The two particular experi- financial resources, just having pocket money for ences of worshipping in the Chapel were not our own personal needs, and taking expenses for good. We arrived in Cambridge with a two year the needs of the community. It was a positive old and a six week old baby. It seemed that it experience for most of us, and certainly for would be lovely to have the baby baptised in the myself in sharing of all aspects of our lives. We chapel. It was to be part of evensong. I was asked maintained this endeavour for I think about nine to stay in an adjacent small chapel with the bap- months to a year. Inevitably with some big per- tismal party in case the baby cried. He didn’t cry sonalities, large egos and some very needy young and he was brought on at the end of the service. people as part of the household as well as four It felt more like a show piece than a small child young children between us it had a limited life joining a worshipping community. The second span. I have no regrets, and I suspect it was the occasion was six months later when we had a male members who found it most difficult as memorial requiem mass for this little baby who amongst the clergy there was a hierarchical struc- died of a cot death. This was obviously a very ture. Two very differing situations arose from difficult time for both of us, and for Martin it this experience. As a family we did consider join- put him in touch with areas of his life that were ing the community of Celebration which was very painful so he engaged in an intense period located on a small island in the river Clyde. It of psychotherapy – I didn’t always find this easy. was probably the biggest conflict of our marriage. Time to move on again after the two or three As we found out more it would have meant that years tenure of a college chaplain. We thought I would have been left on the island with our six we would be going back to Scotland, but they month old baby looking after the domestic needs had put up a tartan curtain for a while, for eco- of the community while Martin would be part nomic reasons. Martin had been with some of of the singing group attached to the community the most promising young singers in the country which went touring, receiving much adulation. and apart from singing “O Lord open thou our Martin is also a trained singer. This was not my lips” had had few opportunities to use his voice. idea of married life! He considered becoming a professional singer However, as a result of the singing group himself. This was a scary prospect for me – we going to King’s College Cambridge they heard by now had another baby and I was not in a about Martin and he was approached as they position to support us financially. We had no were looking to appoint a chaplain. Thus we house and freelance singing was very unpredict- moved to Cambridge for the first time. This able. By chance, when he was in London for appointment also had its joys and challenges. It auditions he bumped into a university friend is truly a beautiful environment, but not condu- who was a priest in a prestigious anglo-catholic cive to family life. The chapel is certainly a place church that had an Institute of Christian studies of musical excellence and that in itself can pro- attached to it. He was about to leave as an assis- duce tensions. I understood that it is not suitable tant to this church with responsibility for the for children to worship there and there were institute. It seemed like a good opportunity for many college wives and families that chose parish us. How wrong I was. For a start, they didn’t churches where they could worship. Many a mar- pay us a living wage – there was plenty of money riage failed in this heady and academic environ- for candles, beautiful lace cottas and to run three ment due often to the demanding needs of stu- bars on a Sunday! It was an eclectic congregation dents and the academic life, with wives and so there was little sense of community as very

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few people lived in this part of London. We lived preferred option. Off to Exeter Cathedral to be in an unsuitable flat – sixty stairs up from the a minor canon. For me it was significant that we ground level. We were the token married couple were in a cathedral close and amongst other that they had ever had resident and they certainly clergy wives, and other clergy families for sup- never had children in residence. This is a situa- port. For the first time both children were in tion to consider when thinking of having married school, so apart from a short time while being clergy. It is very difficult if they are in isolation in Cambridge and Edinburgh I had the oppor- amongst unmarried clergy. tunity to look for some part time work which On the move again after one year, as we both would fit into our lifestyle. A new post was being realised it had been a mistake. We were then able offered as an occupational therapist in one of the to return to a parish in Scotland for three years. first community alcohol teams in the country. On the move again. At this stage, most things At this stage I knew little about addictions, but became easier. We lived in a small town on the quickly became interested and being part of the side of a hillside overlooking the River Clyde. universities research projects was involved in sev- We had a large, damp rambling chilly rectory eral new and exciting initiatives. which gave us all more space. We got to know My training as an occupational therapist was people quickly and the congregation swelled, a great help to becoming a clergy wife. When I especially, as there was the presence of the Amer- was training to be an occupational therapist in ican Navy nearby and with their enthusiasm and Oxford in my last flat there were five of us. In commitment for the time they are posted it was the end three of us became clergy wives, the generally a better time for us all and a chance to fourth being a Quaker, the fifth being an Roman establish ourselves as a family. Money was short, Catholic, but she has since married someone who as we had decided that until the children were is part of the Ukrainian Uniate church in Aus- in school, I would devote my time to them. For tralia. If I had known at that stage of training several years we didn’t have a car and managed that I would be marrying a clergyman I would somehow with a motorbike and two bicycles – I have run a mile! So why has it been useful? Part am not quite sure how we managed that. We did of the training is to see a person holistically, have a car initially and I do remember driving physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. along delivering meals on wheels with a toddler It is one of the few professions that gives equal in the back and the gear stick of the car falling weight to all these qualities. The philosophy is off! There was not enough money for the repair, also to help everyone to reach their potential so that was the end of the car! We were here for whatever that might be. These aspects have three years. Our time at the end became a little helped me to accept whatever circumstances I difficult as Martin had been doing some TV have been in, and to help those I have met whilst work and a particular programme about the in my role as a clergy wife. In many ways it has morality of nuclear weapons. By the way the been easy for me as I had some insights into what programme was edited, it didn’t look as if it was it was going to be like to be a clergy wife. For a balanced programme. It meant there were very those who come to it after they have been mar- few Americans in the congregation the following ried, it is very different and other considerations Sunday! need to be addressed. Some may be married to a teacher, doctor, postman or whatever. When On the move again! Martin has always been of they go home it is usually to the privacy and the opinion not to seek for a position – so waits comfort of their own home when they shut the to be asked to apply. This has changed in the door. This is very different for a clergy wife, Anglican Church in recent times, but he would, when the front door can ring at any time and and I would agree that this would always be our the phone can go at any time, and that for the

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priest is almost always the priority. The financial director of music which resulted in the dean implications can be considerable. Inevitably there resigning in haste. This time in Cambridge was is usually a reduction of income, certainly during very different from the first. I was able to be the training period if not when the clergyman more involved with chapel and college life as our becomes ordained. For the children, they can be two children had by now left home. I was also in a goldfish bowl, and although they may well able to carrying on my work in Bury St. Edmunds. be in a larger house than many, their lives are I worked in the community mental health team often more visible than other children which can on a part time basis for fifteen years. I enjoyed lead to them being criticised or even ostracised. being part of a team and felt I was able to be When I see well-adjusted clergy kids I want to alongside people at what was often the most dis- shout “three cheers”. I think it is fair to say many tressing time of their life. For me, an important of them chose to go into the performing arts! At part of this care was praying for them, although times it is difficult for them to feel valued, par- most of them were unaware of this. We returned ticularly around what is normally considered a to Bury St. Edmunds for about eighteen months. family time such as Christmas, when their par- Martin and I continued our involvement with ents are often exhausted and heavily committed Cursillo during this time, something we were with services and other expectations at this time. able to do together. It was a stable time for us as Their needs quite often seem less important than a family, and as before, being part of a cathedral the crisis on the doorstep or the phone call in close felt supportive for us all and it was from the middle of dinner. It can also be the case for here our children left home. the clergyman that it is easier to work than being at home. The role of a priest can be clearer and On the move again. This was for the last time as he or she may be more appreciated for what they a stipendiary priest, and by this time Martin was can do. It is all God’s work. sixty and we were aware that this was likely to be From being a minor canon of the cathedral the last move. He had been asked to put his name Martin became the diocesan missioner for the forward for the election of being Bishop of Argyll Exeter Diocese which suited his abilities and he and the Isles. In the Scottish Episcopal Church, enjoyed getting alongside parishes to help them. part of the Anglican Church, the system of It was at this time that we both became involved appointing bishops is by election by both clergy in Cursillo – a renewal movement that encour- and lay representatives. For a small church it is a ages leadership among lay people, that started in very elaborate system which in its whole process the Roman Catholic Church in Spain. At that can take up to six months. It is a stressful time, time there was a new bishop appointed that with a lot of uncertainty both for the priest and didn’t want a diocesan missioner. the implications it has for the family. In my opinion this is not a quality that is well recognised On the move again. We moved to East Anglia within church circles. Martin was elected, but do to the cathedral in Bury St. Edmunds. Martin let me explain the circumstances. This part of was a canon of the cathedral and the Bishop’s Britain, is the most beautiful and rugged part of advisor in spirituality and then became the canon the country. It is sparsely populated, with many responsible for music and liturgy. We were here more sheep than people. It consists of many for fifteen years. islands, many uninhabited. There are only On the move again. Towards the end of our approximately 1000 Episcopalians scattered over time at Bury St. Edmunds Martin was seconded a vast area. There were just six stipendiary priests, back to Kings Cambridge for just under a year several retired clergymen, but two cathedrals, and as temporary dean. There had been trouble in two retreat houses. The most famous of the the chapel as the chaplain had an affair with the islands is Iona, with all its Celtic history. It is a

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truly remarkable area. It all sounds very romantic I am well aware that the church needs the help – and on a good day it was. People who live in of retired clergy, and I know few who don’t earn this area need to be resourceful in so many ways, their pension! I feel strongly that they should both physically, spiritually, emotionally and psy- have choices in what they see as their offering, chologically. On a beautiful day there is nowhere but they should be able to have more time with quite like it, but it rains a lot, it can be very windy their wife and family. Even now, we have to carve and in the winter there is a limit to how much out time for ourselves to do what we enjoy. We light there is. Transport can be difficult and you go to church together now on most occasions. need not to suffer from seasickness as the boat This still feels strange, but also very special that trips between the islands can be very rough. I was we can receive communion together on most prepared for this as we had lived in this diocese Sundays as well as other occasions. We are able for a period of time before. What I hadn’t been to go for a long walk together on one day of the prepared for was a feeling of isolation and some- week, and if we don’t do that we can go for a times almost loneliness. Some of this came from coffee, or a visit to the cinema. It has coincided being in the position of being the bishop’s wife. with our daughter starting a family and without It felt a bit more like the boss’ wife, so I didn’t our help it would be difficult for her and her feel so included. I think I have always been aware husband to carry on with their work of being of parishioners casting criticism but this felt very professional singers. What a joy this has been for different. It was also difficult for me to find any us both to be involved. Martin readily admits he part time work. I realised that I was probably too wasn’t around very much on a practical level old, over qualified, too English, or too much of when our children were little. We can even sit a threat – any one of these. I eventually did find down to watch a TV programme in the evening some work which turned out to be very satisfying, together without the sense of guilt that something but did require a long way to travel. I became the else should be done. smoking cessation advisor for the area. It did For the first time we own our own house require long hours on two days a week. I had a which is our home. This feels very different from pact on those evenings – I called them grumpy anything I have experienced before. Even if the Tuesdays. For once, when I got home from work church has had an office there has always been I did not want to hear about the problems of the the feeling that where we lived was our home diocese. but also a place of work. I have always enjoyed making a home wherever we are but also having It was difficult to leave the diocese in order to an open house policy, because each place is tem- retire. We were there for 5 years. In theory we porary. In spite of me working we have only been could have stayed some more years. For once, I in a position to buy a house when our parents was very firm, because I felt strongly that by stay- have died and we inherited some money. The ing any longer would not necessarily have helped church does make some provision to help clergy this struggling diocese. Martin had solved some who are not in a position to be able to purchase of the problems, and it was time for someone a house, but there are many restrictions. Our else to go ahead with the mission of the diocese. little two bed house we would not have had help Of the seven bishops I had observed that at the to buy because it is too old. point of retirement, one had cancer, another had been off sick with depression and another one I hope this gives an honest approach to being a had a problem with alcohol. I did not want any clergy wife. It would not be complete if I didn’t of these situations to be repeated. He had worked mention anything about sex. I feel that this is a forty years in stipendiary ministry and now I felt great joy and needs to be experienced within it was time for a change in lifestyle. marriage. I find it strange that an unmarried

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priest can advise on marriage and sex without path without my faith and each day I try to start having the experience of a long term relationship. the day with this prayer. I will try this day to live Our generation, and within our belief, sex has a simple, sincere, and serene life, repelling not been always seen as purely for procreation, promptly every thought of discontent, anxiety, but extends way beyond that for comfort and an discouragement, impurity and self-seeking, cul- expression of love. I don’t wish to be boastful, tivating cheerfulness, magnanimity, charity, and but I know that I would be very surprised that the habit of holy silence; exercising economy in my husband would be able to maintain his voca- expenditure, generosity in giving, carefulness in tion without my loving support. Without the conversation, diligence in appointed service, ongoing commitment of our wedding vows it fidelity to every trust, and childlike faith in God. would be very difficult. I know couples where In particular I will try to be faithful in those the spouse is a non-believer or of a different faith. habits of prayer, work, study, physical exercise, This is a hard path to follow. Just as it is impor- eating and sleep which I believe the Holy Spirit tant to regularly review ones spiritual life, it is has shown me to be right. And as I cannot in equally important to review ones marriage. my own strength do this, nor even with a hope of success attempt it, I look to thee, O Lord God We have engaged in marriage enrichment groups my Father, in Jesus my Saviour, and ask for the in the past. It is probably time to do it again. gift of the Holy Spirit. For myself I couldn’t possibly have taken this

• Summary The Joys and Challenges of Being Married to an Anglican Priest

The article includes the experi- later became a priest and then Elspeth Shaw, is the wife of ences of being married for 43 bishop. The journey describes the an Anglican priest. She was years to an Anglican priest. The many moves, the challenges of employed as an occupational author describes her experiences having children and the different therapist in community men- of marriage to her husband who expectations of being the wife of tal health and in the field of first was ordained a deacon and a priest. addictions. She is now retired and living in Exeter, Devon, in the S.W. England.

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