Elspeth Shaw The Joys and Challenges of Being Married to an Anglican Priest “Why not me?”…That was the question I this church which subsequently became my spir- asked myself, when I was asked if I could think itual home, from where we got married, and our of anyone who might speak on the joys and chal- first child was baptised. On the second Sunday lenges of being married to a priest. “Why not there, the rector had arrived back from a holiday me?” After all, I have been married to my hus- in the USA. He told me that he was fed up with band Martin and priest for 43 years, with a the girls in his parish marrying unsuitable young wealth of experience to share with you now. men and that he had a curate coming through A memory that is vivid for me, is when being from Glasgow in the near future. The courtship driven in a car with a lady who was contemplat- was quick. We were engaged within three months ing filing for divorce. In a materialistic way she and married within the year. seemed to have so much – a husband who was The joy of this was that we fell in love, and a successful consultant doctor at the local hospi- were free to get married. Courtship was difficult. tal, two intelligent children, a beautiful thatched He lived in the rectory, his bedroom was on the house in the country etc. I am sure you can see top floor so Martin, my boyfriend, fiancé and the picture. She was bemoaning the dullness of future husband had to creep in up the stairs any- her marriage. I responded by saying that not for time he had visited me after work in the evening. one moment have I found our relationship bor- His regime was strict – one day off in the week ing. She was very obviously envious of that. – shared offices and daily mass and visiting of I am going to talk chronologically as each the parish in the evening until 10 pm. I had left stage of our marriage has had its different joys my parental home and home parish seven years and challenges. before and my father had died the previous year so we decided to get married in the church where It was a strange beginning. I came from a practis- my husband was a curate. To my horror there ing church going family and had felt supported was one lady who said to me that my husband by the church through my childhood, adoles- was committing adultery as he was already mar- cence, leaving home and student days. ried to the church! Everyone else seemed to be When I arrived in Edinburgh in my final elec- delighted. tive placement for six weeks I was not looking Before we married I spent a good period of particularly for a permanent relationship. I was time considering what the implications of being enjoying being there for the Commonwealth married meant. I saw marriage as a vocation, and Games and the Edinburgh Festival. I attended being a priest meant that my husband already St. Mary’s cathedral Edinburgh to begin with as had a vocation – is it possible to have both? He I enjoyed the music in the worship. When offered said to me that as far as the church and all its a permanent job, I decided perhaps a parish expectations were concerned that I should only church would suit me better so by chance I found undertake things that I wanted to do myself and INTAMS review 21, 53-59. doi: 10.2143/INT.21.1.3087666 53 © 2015 by INTAMS review. All rights reserved 998263.indb8263.indb 5533 111/08/151/08/15 115:085:08 INTAMS review 21 (2015) not because I was married to him. This consid- Let me tell you a little bit about my husband. eration has been of supreme importance to me He is an inspirational person and has encouraged and very freeing. Inevitably there have been so many people in their own journeys of faith. many things we have wanted to do together, but He is very honest with everyone about his own at the same time things I definitely have not doubts and struggles. He doesn’t see himself as wanted to be involved with. I have at various academic, but when I looked with him just times been part of prayer groups, study groups, recently at the list of the 100 best theological help run youth groups, arrange pilgrimages, books, at some time or other he must have read cleaned churches, run a creche, made hundreds at least 80 of them! He is a very good preacher of cakes etc. In one job my name was put on the and speaker, whether it be to a small group of list to arrange the flowers in the Lady chapel in people, or a cathedral full of worshippers, and is the Cathedral without being asked. They thought a much sort after priest for retreats and for spir- I would be upset if my name was not put on the itual direction. He is also very attractive, which list. I replied that I was upset that my name was he isn’t aware of, which I have had to remind put on the list without being asked. I said I him about on several occasions. He is very dis- would be happy to do all manner of other things, ciplined about his prayer life, reading, saying the but flower arranging was not one of my talents daily office and his attendance at mass. He has – I know exactly how I would like the flowers been fortunate in being part of the Anglican to look but anytime I try, the flowers seem to Church in that for large parts of his ministry he have a “will of their own” and never go the way has been able to concentrate on using his gifts. I would like them to go! This has meant he never formally had to be part of synod until he was a bishop, and I think he My enthusiasm to be part of my husband’s min- would agree with me he is pretty useless at being istry backfired very early in our relationship. on committees, not always being able to see the Looking back this was helpful, but at the time wood for the trees. He also isn’t particularly it was painful. When I first met Martin he was interested in church politics, administration or in his noviciate for the Franciscan tertiaries, finance. This hasn’t always been a disadvantage, equivalent to oblates of other religious orders, as when he became bishop of Argyll and the Isles which has the expectation of living out the Fran- he was able to ask some very innocent questions ciscan rule as a “lay” person in the world. When about the finances that hadn’t previously been I first met him I was worried that he would asked which then led to him seeking help to rec- choose a brown habit – more worried than find- tify the situation. He does suffer from periods of ing another girlfriend! The Franciscans appealed depression and anxiety, but this vulnerability has to me as well, – after all, I was born on St. Fran- made his ability to pastor to people more mean- cis day, was baptised in a church whose dedica- ingful. tion was St. Francis and was in St. Francis House at my school. I did try the noviciate, but it just To return to our “downtown” anglo-catholic didn’t work for me. I did not have too much church in Edinburgh. It was the early seventies difficulty with the simple lifestyle – Martin when the then rector returned from London “full always said that of the two of us I am the one of the spirit” from meeting Graham Pulkingham who is more naturally the more Franciscan. To from Texas, which inspired a parish mission to me, who was already used to a Rule of Life, it learn more of the Charismatic movement. The was something extra for me that didn’t feel help- parish was literally swept up by this and as a ful to me on my spiritual journey. In spite of this consequence a community experience was I have been involved with the Franciscans over engaged upon centring round the Rectory. From the years without formalising this arrangement. the model set in the Acts of the Apostles, we held 54 998263.indb8263.indb 5544 111/08/151/08/15 115:085:08 E. Shaw all things in common, we ate our main meal of families leading very separate lives. Ours survived the day together, and prayed together in the the two years we spent there due mostly to sup- house twice a day and shared a car. We had Sat- port we made from friends as our lives were very urday off as our family day. We pooled our separate at that time. The two particular experi- financial resources, just having pocket money for ences of worshipping in the Chapel were not our own personal needs, and taking expenses for good. We arrived in Cambridge with a two year the needs of the community. It was a positive old and a six week old baby. It seemed that it experience for most of us, and certainly for would be lovely to have the baby baptised in the myself in sharing of all aspects of our lives.