ISSUE 6 / VOLUME 19 31.1.06 POKER THE HEADLINER IRELAND’S NEW IT’S WESTLIFE! NATIONAL SPORT? YOU KNOW IT. PAGE 14 PAGE 16 OOCCUPIEDCCUPIED SSTUDENTSTUDENTS PROTESTPROTEST OVEROVER GRANTSGRANTS 5>

Fash Flow Problems n Shock as fashion show cancelled n No title sponsor

UCD’s fl agship fashion show has OWEN PRIESTLEY neither the O’ Reilly Hall or the Astra when it comes down to it.” Condon fused to comment on the companies been called off because of a lack of Hall had been discussed as possible assured the Tribune that they would involved as he felt it “unfair” to com- cash. This news came as a huge shock options. be making a sizeable donation to ment at this time. The absence of a title sponsor to the cast of the show who were only Condon admitted that at the time of Charity regardless of future resched- The decision to cancel the stu- for Europe’s biggest Student Fash- informed of the revelation on the 30th going to print that there was no pro- uling plans. dent charity event differs from the ion Show means that the event has January. It comes as an additional visional date for the rescheduling and The main problem encountered by actions taken last year when organ- been offi cially cancelled until further blow to the organisers that this year they had not considered any other the organisers was the lack of a title isers decided to go ahead without a notice. would have been the 20th year of the venues for the show. He remained sponsor. Going ahead without one title sponsor. There was however, a The show, branded the University’s Fashion show. adamant that the show would be re- would have been “irresponsible and large amount of support from compa- “premier event” only a year ago in the It was previously reported that the scheduled but for the time being it immoral” according to Condon. nies willing to get on board at some UCD 150 handbook, was scheduled show would have to be moved to was offi cially cancelled. It was initially believed that the level such as Nokia and the show to make headlines on the 10th of another location due to sponsorship The real loser of the decision, ac- show were in correspondence with managed to go ahead as promised March when UCD models hit the cat- problems with the Point. However, cording to Condon, is the Down Syn- three companies who were interest- at the beginning of March 2005. More walk but now it appears that the show the head of the Fashion Show An- drome Centre where the proceeds ed in becoming the title sponsor but importantly the show was held in the has hit the headlines for all the wrong drew Condon said that despite fully from the event had been pledged. any prospect of this is also reported Point Theatre, which has a reasons. briefi ng the college on the situation, “The Show is a charity event after all to have been fruitless. Condon re- seating capacity for 8,000. 2> College Tribune 2 THIS WEEK 31.01.06 31.01.06 1 Fash flow problems 2 3 The Fashion Show was initially held FROM PAGE ONE at Vicar St. but due to the outstanding success in the past the show graduated launch pad for Irish models. Modelling to the R.D.S and then to the Point Thea- contracts with world-renowned names tre, which is generally recognised as the such as Abercrombie and Fitch, Valen- premiere location in the country. On be- tino and McDonalds. ing informed of the situation the college It was also where Rosanna Davison authorities were reported as being ex- former Miss World was bitten by the 3 NEWS tremely disappointed. fashion bug as she went before the The story of the cup, the rower and the po- Regardless of the disappointment sur- cameras for the fi rst time. Models such rounding these revelations Condon was as Eoin Macken, Tara Chetty and Ro- lice helicopter. The fashion show call off, unwavering in his support of those who salind Lipsett all used the stage to pro- car break ins, abusive porters and grants worked “tirelessly” around him. He said pel themselves into Fashion’s elite. protests plus how much Chomsky cost the “everyone worked really hard to get the One former fashion show model stat- college show up and running but unfortunately it ed; “ it’s really terrible they’ve all put in didn’t happen.” Condon confi rmed that so much hard work and missed tutori- the committee were informed of the de- als and lectures for it. If that happened 10 FEATURES cision to cancel the show early on Fri- when I did it I’d be furious.” Need we say any more day the 27th and naturally they were all If the show doesn’t go ahead at all than Westlife. Also how extremely disappointed and frustrated then it could mean the forgoing of a huge to get a job and the low with the outcome. opportunity for many UCD students who In previous years the hugely success- battled hard to get into the show in the down from the people ful and publicised show has acted as a fi rst place. in the know about the next US Presidential Election. Plus a hell of lot more...... TRIBUNE 18 DISTRACTIONS An in depth look at Speilbergs’ Munich plus all you ever ever needed to know about downloading music. Ever. Plus the SUDOKU NO. 11 / MEDIUM NO. 12 / DIFFICULT usual barrage of well informed music and fi lm reviews and a bit of Fashion too. 4612 9154 786 3 SPORT A fascinating insight 57 21 37 into the mind of 928 48 37 UCD’s hurling hero Pa Morrissey. The 8627148 low down on all the 615 52 71 students eircom League transfers. Our man was 79 63 95 at the bowl to see UCD face Bucaneers in 956 3 471 the AIL. And we managed to watch a bit of Hockey well. 731 5 6 Complete the grids so that each row, column and 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9. REGULARS The solutions will appear on this page in the next issue. Editor Distractions Editor Contributors: 8 FAUSTUS Eoin Mac Aodha Barry Bowen Ben Blake, Stephen Caffrey, Caitrina Cody, Richéal Carroll, 9 EDITORIAL & Design Editor Features Editors Fionn Dempsey, Dan Finn, Simon Ward Alan Tully Leanne Hughes, Sinead Gifford, Box 74, LETTERS Eileen O’Malley Laura Greene, Brenda O’Grady, Student’s Centre, Chief Sub Editor Rúaidhrí O’Connor Health & Fashion Editor Megan O’Grady, Vinny O’Dowd, 16 THE HEADLINER University College Roisin Jones, Fiona Hedderman, Dublin. Caitríona Gaffney 18 FASHION Sports Editor Gillian Kennedy, Kingsley Kelly, Belfi eld, Colin Gleeson Music Editor Vanessa Kelly, John Lyndon, Eoin 24 RUD’S WORLD Dublin 4. Ronan Dempsey Martin, Deirdre McGuire, Peter News Editor McKenna, Kevin Murphy, Sinead 10 THINGS... Email: Jack Cane Film Editor Monaghan, Richard McElwee, [email protected] Karen O’Connell Derry Nairn, Kate Whealan, Barra 26 THE LUNGE Chief Newswriter O’Fianail, James Redmond, Harry Telephone: Owen Priestley Photography Editor Smyth, Alex Tierney, Gordin Aisling O’Leary Tobin DEAR TRIBUNE (01) 716 8501 Special Thanks To: 27 THE TURBINE Online: house, Unicare, Micahel Clarke, Paddy O’Flynn, www.ucd.ie/tribune Stephen & Gary @ Spectator Newspapers, Dominic 911, Liz Cronin, Owen Fallon, D2. Karen for being 28 DOWN THE LINE Martell and Sinead Kelly @ UCD Communications a hero and the girls from Caritas. Not least, special Offi ce, Mary & Mairtin Mac Aodha for the use of the thanks to Emma Buckley for her fi ne research skills College Tribune 31.01.06 NEWS 3 Hospital’s Cup Condition Stable

A dramatic search operation involv- VINNIE O’DOWD ing a Garda helicopter was used in the recovery of a 194-year-old rugby near the Phoenix Park. trophy believed to have been stolen The individual was tracked down by a UCD Student. and the cup was handed back to Pro- The historic Hospitals’ Cup was fessor O’Brien under garda supervi- won by the Mater Hospital on De- sion. cember 16th in Donnybrook and the A Professor of Ophthalmology, team were celebrating in Hartigan’s O’Brien was unavailable for comment of Leeson St the following day. at the time of going to print. Vice Cap- Professor of Ophthalmology Co- tain for the team, Frank O’Leary com- lin O’Brien was taking the cup home mented only that, “the issue is not after a day of festivity but when he resolved.” “left his Taxi he was then mugged by A UCD spokesperson could only a lone thief and made a speedy get- confi rm that Professor O’Brien had way in the taxi that he had already the Cup stolen from him by a member followed the Professor in” a source of the UCD boat club. told the College Tribune. Mary Clayton, Vice President for As the taxi sped away, the Profes- UCD students said, “there is no dis- sor noted the vehicle’s registration cipline being sanctioned for any inci- number and is believed to have called dent of that nature but any kind of theft in the theft to the gardai who launched disgusts me.” When asked about the their helicopter in response. identity of the student involved Mrs Simultaneously, a member of the Clayton said, “I am unable to com- Mater Hospital rugby team, who was ment further on the incident.” still in the Leeson St. hostelry, re- Dublin Hospitals’ rugby competi- ceived a MMS message with a photo tion is one of the oldest competitions of the trophy and the words “Do you in the world. The competition has want the cup?” been played since 1881. Paul Storr of The thief is believed to be a mem- London minted the trophy in 1812. He Hartigans: Cup was stolen from UCD Professor on his way home ber of the Men’s Boat Club in UCD. was one of the British Empire’s most The stolen cup was taken to the Boat famous silversmiths of the day. was estimated to be worth nearly 40, was made nearly 20 years ago and it in excess of E 100,000. Club headquarters in Islandbridge, The Cup was valued in 1987 and 000 punts. However that estimation is estimated that the cup is now worth The Cup is believed to be intact. College Tribune 4 NEWS 31.01.06 Vandals leave final year in limbo

A 4th year Computer Science Stu- OWEN PRIESTLEY dent has lashed out at Campus Security after his car was broken The contents of the bag included into and his fi nal year project sto- a laptop worth thousands of Euro len. and an Mp3 player worth hundreds. Paul Pierce was outraged at the More important than the monetary lack of car park security and went on value of the goods taken, was the record as saying “the security that information stored on them. As a fi - there is are absolutely useless.”. nal year Computer Science student The vehicle was parked behind the he is required to hand in an exten- Sports Centre on Thursday last in the sive project, which requires a good Broken into: Pierce’s laptop with his fi nal year project was stolen when his car was robbed on campus car park between the Tennis courts years work of programming and all and the Astro Pitches whilst Pierce of this was contained on the Laptop gued that the level of security on the lack of security.” He went on to pus Security has been called into was in the Sports hall. According to in question. Campus is pitiful. He said due to the say that even the standard secu- question. Items such as bags, laptops the unlucky student the door had Pierce claims that all his work has lack of proper resources thieves and rity measure of CCTV, was lack- and mp3 players have been reported been “jimmied” open and his back- been lost and that he is at a loss as vandals simply wait till they see the ing in many highly populated crime stolen from the Centre Bar and the pack, which was half concealed in to his next step. “obviously open white jeeps pass hotspots around campus. Student Bar and bikes robbed from the back of the car, had been taken. The unlucky student strongly ar- by and then take full advantage of This is not the fi rst time this Cam- various locations on campus. CTN Not Gone Yet

Despite worries that CTN had been wrapped OWEN PRIESTLEY up in a sea of red tape, it appears that the fi rst Irish Student Television Station will would have been a waste of time. plough on towards its goal. Again Newenham strongly refuted this point Initially the launch date for the station was set commenting “that a lot of programmes recorded somewhere between October and November and scheduled to be shown at an earlier date 2005 but Director General of Campus Television could be used as documentary footage” in ref- Network Pamela Newenham said that when erence to the footage recorded at this years they started the project of setting up Television “Fresher’s Ball” where CTN made their fi rst Station they were working off estimates as they major appearance on Campus. She also said were the fi rst station of their kind in Ireland and that nothing recorded was a waste of time and therefore had no framework to work off or com- the experience gained by members of the CTN pare with. team was “invaluable and defi nitely not to be With that date now long since passed ques- discounted.” tions were raised about what, if anything had Newenham was adamant that the station gone wrong. After a brief period of co-operation would continue on growing and learning from Film Soc have disaffi liated itself from the venture the experience and reiterated that they still had and refuse to comment on the Campus Televi- as she claimed it always had the support of the sion Network other than to say that they were no college. In reference to the red tape surrounding longer involved in any way or at any level. production and screening processes she said The news that Film Soc had withdrawn their “The reason the college is being so specifi c and support shocked many supporters of the station down to the last detail about [CTN] was because but Newenham was not worried by this and said they wanted the station to be as good as it pos- that the withdrawal of Film Soc was unfortunate sibly could be. Sent off: The Sports Bar was closed down during the summer but not detrimental to her efforts to bring the sta- When asked, Mary Clayton, Vice President tion up to code and get it launched sometime in for the Students the college maintained that she the near future and gave mid to end February as didn’t feel the College had stunted the growth a desired target date for launch. and development of CTN and went on to say Sports Café? The claims that were brought to the attention “we want to see it properly set up, in such a way of the Tribune were that due to red tape sur- as will allow long-term development.” It has emerged that there are plans for the rounding the station they could not meet their In regards to fi nancial support, Clayton stated KAREN O’CONNELL old Sports Bar to be replaced by a café expected Nov-Oct launch date and as a result a that “the college haven’t yet given fi nancial sup- style eatery. tre Club. There is also a shortage of space in lot of the material recorded before and after the port but they are in a process of working through The Sports Bar was closed during the sum- the Sports Centre for sport-related activity. disaffi liation of Film Soc would now be outdated the technical and legal issues that a TV station mer of 2005 and UCD Director of Sport, Brian Initially it was thought that the Sports Bar and useless and that everything up to that date gives rise to.” Mullins has commented on the “the likelihood site would be used as a meeting room with of a café or food establishment being located video viewing for sports clubs, possibly some in the Sports Bar’s stead as probable”. sporting activity as well as some accom- Mullins also declared that there was “a modation for the new Institute for Sports & Laughs on line lack of food services available in the Sports Health. Areas are also being designated for This Monday the UCD Comedy Society launch funniest and bizarre places to visit from around Centre, the existing O’Brien’s is small and softer sports such as Pilates and Yoga. their new website. Not only will it provide infor- the internet, giving anyone around campus a cramped and there is a necessity for better The Sports Bar was a purpose based facil- mation on the society’s events and news, www. guaranteed source of quality entertainment at the services”. ity and is sorely missed my many students. ucd.ie/comedy will host content from some of Ire- touch of a button. The initial decision to close the bar was Aisling Smith, former captain of the Tram- land’s top comedians as well as introducing some Society auditor Padraig O Donoghue hopes made by the UCD college authorities. This poline society, commented, “since the closure of the best new comers to the comedy scene. The “the website will become the fi rst place UCD action was prompted by the decision of the li- of the Sports Bar, UCD clubs have noticed line up begins with the Comedy Society’s favour- students visit when they fi nd themselves bored censee not to seek a renewal of his licence. a signifi cant drop in numbers. There was a ite MC, Paddy Courtney, and UCD’s own Jarleth in front of a computer and will themselves con- Other factors causing the closure included huge social element attached to the sports Regan. tribute websites and opinions to help make www. the low revenue and the proximity of the Cen- bar, it was a great way of recruiting people” Also the site carries an archive of some of the ucd.ie/comedy the defi nitive guide to comedy.” College Tribune 31.01.06 NEWS 5

SSit-init-in DDrawsraws WWrathrath

UCD students were branded “stu- GILLIAN KENNEDY turned up, leaving it to only twenty-fi ve managed to get a meeting with Maura lining their own pockets. I’m referring pid, spoilt, fucking rich rotten stu- students to occupy the building. Nev- Murphy”. to TCD and DIT. Their leaders should dents who don’t deserve fuck all” once?” ertheless, the small turnout did have Murphy is the administrator for be ashamed of themselves. Its a dis- during a protest at Dun Laoghaire- Asked about the number of com- an effect. grants in the Dun Laoghaire-Rath- grace that they’re not supporting this Rathdown County Council calling plaints made, Ms. Horgan-Jones, re- The public looked on bemused down County Council. Next week, Mr. student issue.” for the centralization of student plied “At this time of year, one in every while the twenty-fi ve students sat on James Carroll, and Ms. Horgan-Jones Ms. Horgan-Jones commented, “it’s grants. four students who knocks at my door the fl oor of the building, calling loudly will attend a meeting with Ms. Murphy disappointing, but what can you do?” These comments came from a por- is enquiring about their grant.” for centralization. Though their num- to discuss the delayed grants. However, the protesters seemed to ter, identifying himself only as John as Late grants are obviously a major bers were small, they did achieve In the aftermath of the protest, be quite happy at the UCD turnout, he angrily expressed his opinion on problem for students, especially those something from their protest. some students commented on their even though there was just twenty-fi ve the demonstration. “In ten years here, with rents to pay, never mind the ad- After much deliberation with ad- dismay about the low turnout at the present. The SU advertised the cam- we’ve never had anything like this”, he ditional costs of food and books. ministration offi cers and the gardai, protest. Duffy said; “The other colleg- paign through posters, fl yers, website exclaimed. Enda Duffy, a 3rd year Class Rep, Ms. Horgan- Jones, announced jubi- es and their Students Union are lead notices and Class Rep announce- A very vocal argument ensued be- suggested a possible solution; “We lantly to her fellow protesters, “We’ve by bureaucrats and hacks. They’re ments. tween students and the porters. The need a centralized grant system, it porters proceeded to call in the gardai, shouldn’t be administered by each claiming that the students were “now individual county council. It should be trespassing and breaking the law.” done through the Department of So- Three Garda offi cers arrived cial and Family Affairs. Similar along It wasn’t me promptly, and attempted to try to calm the lines to the way the CAO operates. things down. They took no offi cial ac- They already have everybody’s PPS A terrible blunder made by one of ply not interested in sport, a fact which BARRY BOWEN tion against the students. The Gardai number.” Irelands leading newspapers made is exhibited by current obesity levels” refused to comment on the situation. Additionally, the protesters were life hell for one UCD student last the cleverly thought up letter also went When questioned about the abusive also seeking to bring publicity to the week as a prank carried out by a on to say that “The fact is that most nature of the council porters, offi cial need for increased grants. Protestors friend of his back-fi red rapidly on women’s football matches fail to even spokesperson for the Dun Laoighaire carried banners with €35.50 marked the unsuspecting student. reach the standard of a poor quality - Rathdown County Council, Ms. on them, showing the amount of mon- An absurd letter printed in the Irish junior B yet you never hear calls from Theresa Langan, was unapologetic in ey students have to survive on per Independent last Thursday week, the latter for their efforts to be covered her response. week, according to the current grant caused an amazing reaction for an in the national media.” “This protest should have been at payment. Enda Duffy emotively com- unsuspecting John Finegan, 4th year Women Gaelic fans reacted furi- the Department of Education. It’s a mented engineering technology who awoke ously to the article, particularly on the public building; it’s a scary thing. It’s “That’s not enough, rent alone is at that morning to an abundance of text website www.ladiesgaelic.ie where intimidating.” about €70 – 80 a week. It needs to messages and a full voice mail box. one posting on the forum suggested The protest took place on the 26th be doubled, tripled, quadrupled!” he The unsuspecting Ag Science stu- that “all us ladies footballers should of January and was attended by many expressed. dent soon learnt that a prank carried gather at his address and do some- Student Union offi cers including SU Initially students from NCAD, DIT, out by “a mate who had too much time thing to this PIG”. President James Carroll, Education TCD and the Union of Students in on his hands” had caused a storm with Another angry posting said “what a Offi cer Jane Horgan-Jones and Wel- Ireland were meant to be joining the hundreds of sports playing women fucking dick. That is the most ridicu- fare Offi cer Dan Hayden. The protest UCD students at the demonstration. throughout the country. lous thing I have ever read in my life. was organised following a number of Mr. Duffy insisted that Mr. Tony Mac- There are standard procedures set He obviously is fat himself and gets off complaints by students, who had still Donald, President of the USI, “said he by most newspapers to identify the on stuff like that” even Finegan’s apol- not received their grants. would turn up, and he’s not here. legitimacy of letters that are deemed ogy was deemed insuffi cient by the Jane Horgan-Jones outlined the It’s appalling. The USI website publishable. Most papers ask that aggrieved sports fans. problems with the current grant sys- claims that one of their main objec- writers include their names, address When contacted by the College tem “everyone has been paid their tives is “action on issue of county and telephone number not necessar- Abused: John Finegan Tribune a member of the Independ- fi rst installment by now, and so I don’t council and VECs that consistently ily to be printed but to aid the editor’s ent’s editorial team, one Mr. McCann see why everyone can’t be paid their cause problems as regards late pay- offi ce in confi rming that the letter to home address. said that there was no way every let- second installment together. If all the ment.” be published was written by the said Included in the fake letter were some ter printed could be clarifi ed due to the people have been approved, why do At the time of going to print Mr. Mac- correspondent. The outrageous and outrageous statements such as “Irish lack of manpower, however a clarifi ca- all the grants have to come in, in dribs Donald was unavailable for comment. controversial letter was “signed” by women (especially compared with their tion was printed in last Wednesday’s and drabs, why can’t it all be done at However, none of the other colleges Johnny Finegan and included his North American counterparts) are sim- publication. College Tribune 6 NEWS 31.01.06 CCutut priceprice CChomskyhomsky

At a time when UCD is spending an HALLIWELL €120,000+ unprecedented amount of money on ARMSTRONG €120,000+ national advertising the College Trib- une has learnt that Noam Chomsky’s three public lectures in UCD cost a paltry 2,200 euros. In comparison, seven times Tour de France victor, Lance Armstrong KISSINGER would have cost the university a €120,000+ ball breaking E 100,000 plus. An insight into Gerri Halli- well’s thoughts would have commanded a similar fee, while ex US Secretary of State, Henri Kissinger, falls in BLUNT the same bracket. €75,000+ The privillege of hearing pop fl ash in the pan James Blunt say a couple of words stands at over E 75,000. While a speech from Mikael Gorbachev, would have been the same. CHOMSKY €2,200 EOIN MAC AODHA GORBACHEV €75,000+ UCD STUDENTS’ UNION VACANCY UNION RETURNING OFFICER

Applications are hereby invited for the position of Union Returning Offi cer. The Union Returning Offi cer is responsible for the conduct of all elections held by the UCD Students’ Union. This vacancy will be fi lled as soon as possible and it is expected that the successful applicant should take on the position immediately with a view to overseeing the Union Presidential and Vice- Presidential elections to take place before the end of the Hillary term. The outgoing Union Returning Offi cer, Mr. Michael Clark, will be available to all interested parties for consultation.

All applicants will be interviewed and the UCD Students’ Union Independent Appeals Board will make an appointment as soon as practicable. All interested parties should submit a covering letter with a detailed curriculum vitae to the Chief Returning Offi cer, Mr. Patrick O’Flynn, Room 127, Engineering Building, Belfi eld before 5 PM on the evening of Friday, 3rd February. Patrick O’Flynn Michael Clark Chief Returning Offi cer Union Returning Offi cer Patrick.ofl [email protected] [email protected] 01 716 1823 086 822 4396

College Tribune 8 COMMENT 31.01.06 FAUSTUS “History: You Can’t SODOMISING THE PAST, Beat The Real Thing” ERASING THE FUTURE Dermot Looney looks back at UCD SU’s decision to ban coke from its’ upposedly this is Faustus’ time to shine. He’s not however, shops in 2003 and sees it as one of UCD’s crowning achievements feeling too luminous at the moment. The sabbatical elections Swhich are meant to provide unparalleled levels of scandal and Given that what we now understand as the world wide web at a university hardly noted for its radicalism (‘til then, at least). intrigue are limping lamely towards their destination. emerged from the ARPANET of the US military-industrial A speculative campaign to stop the sale of Coke products in Gone are those halcyon days when silly little hacks would wet complex, it’s a wonder that we ever envisaged it as a project SU shops is launched by a small and disparate group of UCD themselves at the prospect of the sabbats. When these elections with far more humanitarian goals. The net has revealed students. The response by the student body, the collective shop were actually interesting. to us not only Homer Simpson’s vision (what “some nerd owners, is overwhelming and the referendum to ban the sale and In his wisdom our editor decided not to run a front-page splash on thought about Star Trek”), but opened incredible possibili- cut all links with Coca-Cola passes by a mere 57 votes. UCD had the prospective candidates. For some reason he felt that the good ties for global mass projects, ranging from p2p fi lesharing become the fi rst institution in the world to implement an effective students of UCD mightn’t really care. to the range of independent news centres. boycott, with the headlines as much international as they were Faustus argued long and hard on this point and was tempted to Wikipedia –http//en.wikipedia.org – is just one example of how national. tender his resignation. You will be glad, dear readers, to hear that a corporate-driven media has been subverted to a community Coca-Cola rolled out its massive PR machine to Ireland but Faustus has instead brokered a deal which will see him living out project of immense proportions. Four years on, the English lan- failed miserably to convince anyone but themselves that what his dream scenario of a sleazy motel room, a Ukrainian prostitute’s guage version, which now boasts almost a million articles, stands was going on in Colombia was above board and besides, had bellybutton and a batch of Columbia’s fi nest. Faustus will think of you as a remarkable achievement in co-operative and free produc- nothing to do with them. However, a second referendum, held then. tion outside the control of the market. two months later, was a disaster for the pro-Coke Until then it’s probably time to rehash what everybody who gives Wikipedia’s main asset – its openness to the campaign, with the margin of victory increasing ten- a fuck knows anyway. Enda Duffy is going to run for President. This entire world to edit – is also its main downfall. fold for those in favour of the boycott. truly is a shock. Faustus is genuinely surprised. He thought all of En- Thus you have all kinds of “edit wars” and at- Two years later and the boycott has been taken da’s championeering was just because he’s a ‘fuckin activist man’. tempts to undermine the neutral point of view up by more than one hundred major colleges and Rumour also has it, that ethos of the encyclopaedia. The article on our universities worldwide, most notably New York Faustus’ prediction, Enda has recruited a certain humble university plays host to such battles, University and the University of Michigan in recent for what it is worth political mastermind to run but their subject is one which might surprise months. It is a thriving worldwide campaign which his campaign. If Faustus was – the ban on the sale of Coke products in Stu- has already achieved limited success – Coke has and based largely running against this dream dents’ Union outlets. pledged a small sum for victims of the paramilitary on misinformation team he’s not ashamed to For those who weren’t around UCD for the violence – but the intimidation of its Colombian admit he would probably soil campaigns here’s a quick timeline to recap. workforce continues. and apathy is Enda himself in trepidation. In fact 1994-2002 – at least eight workers at Coca- The edit war on Wikipedia was between those Duffy to win, Orla Enda’s probably wetting him- Cola bottling plants in Colombia, and one who wanted to include a concise version of the Ni Threasaigh self in excitement. of their wives, are murdered for attempts to pivotal role played by UCD students in this cam- Faustus was a little unionise the workforce. The manager of one paign and those who didn’t think such “trivial” mat- second and Dan shocked when he heard Dan plant says that he will “exterminate” the un- ters belonged in an encyclopaedia. I would contest, Hayden third. the man was going to go. He ion. The attacks had been going on since the though, that the decision made by a few thousand just thought Dan was a nice late 1980’s but began to crystallise in the mid- students to boycott Coca-Cola through their owner- guy. However, it seems he’s been seduced by the evil Jimmy Carroll 1990’s. ship of the SU shops marks not only an important and is biting into the KBC cherry. In 1996 Isidro Gil, a union leader is also murdered by the para- point in the history of the Killer Coke campaign, but in the history It’s hard to imagine Dan leading the masses in revolt while the uni- militaries. The paramilitaries returned to the plant two days later of the college itself. versity attempts to further sodomise and pervert her students. Akin to and threatened to kill the entire workforce if they stayed in the If we measure a college not just in terms of its academic out- Homer’s sirens, UCD is sucking Irelands youth in with fl ashy ads and union. Unionless, these workers were eventually sacked and re- put, number of famous graduates and percentage of CAO ap- manipulative promises of ancient history and quantum physics. She placed by much cheaper labour. Gil’s union, SINALTRAINAL, are plicants, but in terms of its positive impact on the wider world, is whispering sweet nothings about modules and choice in their ears. in touch with Coca-Cola’s HQ in Atlanta, Georgia at this stage to then surely the Coca-Cola campaign marks a high water point for Little do they know that it’s all a cleverly spun lie and that they will seek their intervention, but Coke continue to remain complicit. this college. When the offi cial histories are written, expect tomes spend eternity wracked in agony on the shores of the lake. Hundreds more workers and family members have been kid- jubilant in the success of the Bradyisation of UCD. But when the To be honest Faustus doesn’t know much about Orlaigh Ni Threa- napped, tortured or intimidated. people themselves write their own diverse histories, as on Wiki- siagh but he does like what he sees. What the hacks down the Union 2003 – SINALTRAINAL’s campaign against Coca-Cola steps pedia, we might just recognise the achievement of an unlikely corridor forget is that students don’t really give a fuck cos’ they don’t up a gear, with legal action in the US and Colombia beginning to campaign as something even more successful. know what you get up to, so a pretty girl with a decent and approach- embarrass the corporate giant. In retaliation, Juan Carlos Galvis, History is something the most unlikely candidate can make; if able personality has a damn good chance. Look no further that this a vice-president of SINALTRAINAL, is attacked by more hired you’re interested in hearing more about Coke’s crimes in Colom- years Ents offi cer, whose was just so dreamy he landslided to election goons. Coca-Cola, economically benefi ting from the systematic bia, or in renewing the campaign in Ireland, join a range of indi- victory. campaign of murder and intimidation, continue to deny every- viduals from all political backgrounds and none at the Teacher’s Faustus’ prediction, for what it is worth and based largely on misin- thing. Club on Parnell Square on Saturday February 11th at 2pm or formation and apathy is Enda Duffy to win, Orla Ni Threasaigh second Enter the most unlikely of saviours – a few thousand students mail [email protected] for more info. and Dan Hayden third. A couple of other names may well be thrown into the hat. Paddy Car- roll may go again; after all he has QUOTES OF THE WEEK some manifestos left over from last year. Salacious gossip will “Everyone worked really hard to “Obviously they’re older and stuff also abound regarding the get the show up and running but but I think they have the same most unlikely characters. Perhaps Faustus has unfortunately it didn’t happen.” voices but it’ll be interesting to something up his Head of the Fashion Show Andrew Con- see them dance! Mark Owen will sleeve. All will don expresses his dismay at the cancel- probably get down and boogie.” be revealed in lation of this show. The boys from Westlife quaking at the time. prospect of Take That reforming [you’re all]“stupid, spoilt, fucking rich rotten students who don’t “There’s stories of helicopters deserve fuck all” landing players at matches, things An enlightened Dun Laoghaire-Rathdown like this you know. There’s no County Council porter during a protest way a club can compete against calling for the centralisation of grants a college like that.” St Vincents captain Risteard Brennan FAUSTUS feels UCD have a unfair advantage College Tribune 29.1.0631.01.06 LETTERS & EDITORIALDNFJKFJJ 99 LETTERS The College Tribune reserves the right to edit all letters. Box 74, Student Centre & The views expressed on this page are the views of the letter LG 18, John Henry Newman Building, Dublin 4 writers and do not refl ect the views of the Telephone: 01 - 7168501 EDITORIAL College Tribune. E-mail: [email protected] website online again, only a member of the the college authori- ties or the Student’s Union could do so. It is clear that certain DRY SOCIETY people in the college are intent on discrediting Sinn Féin. CHOMSKY I cannot condemn the email as it was simply a mistake. I Dear Sir, would like, however, to commend Trinty Sinn Féin for their on- The visit of Noam Chomsky to UCD was a con- I would like to highlight the lack of banter administered by going work and particularily the Cathaoirleach who has had to siderable coup for the college. the leading societies this year. What really bought this to my at- put up with personnel vilifi cation. At a time when UCD is spending an unprece- tention were the posters around campus advertising “Rappers Is mise, dented amount of money on a fl ashy and super- and Slappers” and the “Mystery tour part 2”! These are just two Joe Keegan. fi cial ad campaign the 2,200 euros that Chom- of a number of unoriginal and lacklustre ideas on offer for stu- sky was paid for three public lectures looks like dents in UCD! Compared to last week when the relatively small a bargain. Ag Society offered a whole week of festivities. One such item INSENSITIVE The coverage which UCD received in the caught my attention and propelled me to join the Ag students at national press is the sort of image it should be the “Mock Wedding” of John Deere to Massey Ferguson, for €7 PHALLUS (money was for the Irish heart foundation, I believe) striving for, as a centre for academic excellence, I was entertained from start to fi nish for well over an hour with that attracts the very best in all fi elds. hilarious and well thought up sketches depicting some outra- Dear Sir/Madame, It should not, as its ad campaign is now doing, geous but also plausible scenarios. Even the reception in the be promoting an image of a pick n’ mix univer- student bar after was brilliant with a very good band and some I am writing in response to your latest issue of the College sity. very funny speeches from the wedding party. This refreshingly Tribune. I wish to register a complaint regarding the Dear Trib- This paper realises that in order for UCD to new concept was something I have never before witnessed in une feature article regarding the fracturing, or breaking thereof, progress it needs to attract large amounts of my four years in college. I’m sick of the same old nights out, of a phallus. CAO applicants and it needs to attract the very something should be done to retain a certain “Je ne sais quoi” As someone who has suffered this particular mishap, I ob- best students. to keep the students entertained during these long and cold ject to your trivializing of such a mishap. The breaking of a pe- However, there is something sickening about evenings! Society auditors get your fi nger out. nis is an excruciatingly painful misfortune to suffer, either in a the slick and Americanised radio and billboard sexual act or otherwise, and anyone who has ever experienced campaign being run by Irelands largest univer- Yours, such an undignifi ed and embarrassing incident will testify to the Sinbar Wallace sensitive nature of such an issue. I see you have dealt with sity. UCD is not a three star hotel advertising 4th year Science other sensitive issues in a befi tting manner in the commend- weekend breaks but it is being branded in a able Health section and am disappointed that you seem to give similar way. some injuries priority over others due to the area of the body It is time for the college to take a serious look in which it occurs, a very juvenile value system I think you will at the image it is portraying of itself. A look that SINN FEIN have to agree. I hope to see in an apology in the next issue. includes the thorough input of academics and students and not a fl ashy PR company. Yours, A chara, Anonymous. In reference to the Tribune’s article on the temporary expul- sion of Sinn Féin from Trinity college, I would like to add certain facts that I was unware of when you contacted me. CLARIFICATION MODULARISATION The person who reported the email was not a member of Sinn Féin but a plant who is a member of another political par- In Issue 5 of the College Tribune, 22/11/05, an article on page This paper tries not to take itself too seriously. ty. Also, the Trinity cumann’s website, which had been closed 7 stated the 18% of students had not been tested for a Sexu- Its aim is to inform and to act as a vehicle for the down for some years, has suddenly reapeared just in time for ally Transmitted Infection. The story should have said that its snide reference in the Irish Independent which drew atten- 18% of students have been tested for an STI while 82% have student body to express itself. not. The College Tribune apologises for this mistake. tion to the Roll of Honour. No member of Sinn Féin brought the It recognises that there are times when the ‘media’ needs to make a stand on certain is- sues. This paper has done so this year in terms of modularisation where it feels the college is ignoring the best interests of its students. Sometimes newspapers can have an infl u- ence and more often than not they are ignored. In this case The Tribune is a vehicle for the views of the students. The overwhelming feel- ing, as expressed to the College Tribune, is that CREATIVE? THEN JOIN US. second years should not be forced into modu- larised system in their second year. The biggest infl uence however, comes from The College Tribune is looking for new Design action by the students themselves something that is worth more than a thousand words. Assistants. Experience of Adobe Indesign and On Thursday there will be a protest assem- Photoshop is useful but bling at 1 o’clock at the Arts block protesting against the roll-out of modularisation and se- not required. mesterisation. If you value your degree you should attend and let the college know that you Training will be provided to are not willing to be trampled on. successful applicants. If you don’t and they continue to mess with E: [email protected] your futures without consultation you will have T: 716 8501 nobody to blame but yourselves. A: LG 18, Newman Building YOU KNOW IT. College Tribune 10 HEALTH 31.01.06 January Quit Smoking. Research has proven that January is the best month to quit. Feeling the pinch after Christ- Get Fit 4 2006 mas, results in frequenting the pub a little less and so is the perfect opportunity to quit. If you think you are one of those weekend smokers, who can quit any time you want, think again. The College Tribunes’ Karen O’Connell advises the fl ailing and lumbering Giving up smoking properly, includes the weekends. Isolating smoking to when drinking populace of UCD on a month-by-month plan for 2006. does not mean you are causing yourself less Follow this guide for a fi tter, healthier and happier you damage. The The benefi ts of quitting far outweigh the ad- vantages of smoking. The lack of wrinkles, in- May September creased energy levels, and lowered risk of dis- ease should be motivation enough to quit, but Rethink your routine if these are not good enough reasons, think of Take charge of your sexual health the money that can be saved. Doing the same workout over and over is boring for Accidental pregnancies are increasing every year. Be re- you and your body. After a few months you will sponsible and take a load off you’re your mind by getting stop getting results from your work out as February a contraceptive pill if you are sexually active. The inci- your body and muscles adapt to doing the dence of STI’s in Ireland has increased by 165% in the same old routine. Avoid hitting that Cut back on carbohydrates. last ten years with 8,900 cases reported in 2000 alone. plateau by jogging instead of The feel-good chemical Serotenin runs low in This coincided with a surge in alcohol consumption of walking or sprinting intervals winter. Carbohydrates such as bread, sweets, 41% over the same period (1991 - 2001). Be responsi- as opposed to jogging. Try chocolate and pasta all contain this chemical ble and get tested. STI’s like syphilis have no symptoms an aerobics or circuit training and so the human body craves these carbs and can cause infertility. The only way to ensure that you class. This change will chal- during the dark cold days of winter. If you get are free from infections is by getting yourself tested. lenge new muscles and help to cravings for carbs, by all means eat them but tone and shape your body further. ensure that you focus on the right ones. Go for less processed food such as; fruit, vegetables June and whole grains. Porridge is a great source of carbohydrate and releases energy Get your check up’s now October slowly. A big bowl for breakfast will fi ll the tummy until lunch and Get the most out of your visit. Make Get ready for winter prevent snacking. a list of all physical ailments that have been bothering you and Rest up to recharge your immunity. The body needs some time to get itself in make an appointment to see fi ghting shape for the cold and fl u season. Sip green or black tea. Both help your GP. The Doctors surgery is to oxidize the blood and fi ght infection. Eat plenty of fresh fruit and veg and less packed in June as peo- keep up the exercise routine. ple are on holidays. Be responsible about your health and November March don’t dismiss any aches or Learn how to deal with stress Start a workout programme pains. Don’t be afraid of challenges, overcom- ing them will help to increase your self- As the spring approaches, March is a good confi dence. Stress management is not opportuinity to start getting into shape for the all about being pas- summer. Hit the gym twice a week and see sive, or lying down in consistent results. There is no need to over July a darkened room with do it. Working out twice a week and a healthy a wet fl annel on your diet will guarantee results. GIve yourself a naked once- forehead! Learn some over active techniques to help you relax such Do a skin check on yourself. Non-melano- April as yoga or palates ma skin cancer is normally diagnosed in rather than lounging the summer. The main reason for this is Look out in front of the the increased exposure to the sun during telly, or getting at your the summer months. A pre-malignancy drunk. belly in a can turn into full-fl edged skin cancer with new way just one blast of UV-ray exposure. If you notice any changes that have occurred, Your belly is an impor- such as a mole that has changed shape December tant gauge of how healthy or colour, see a dermatologist as soon you are. To test yours; lie on as possible. Don’t worry, be silly your back and look down at you Learn how to ignore the unimportant things that stomach. If you see a bulge right may niggle at you, and break large unpleasant above your pelvis (just below your tasks down into belly button), you could have “toxic-fat”. August smaller, manage- This type of Fat is stored deep in your able chunks. Keep abdomen and has been linked to an Get outta town! a sense of humour increased risk of heart disease, diabe- Take a vacation (or even a long week-end). at all times, and try tes and cancer. There have been re- Stress is the “wear and tear” our bodies to see the funny ports of “toxic-fat” in people weighing experience as we adjust to our continu- side of most situ- under ten stone. Stomach crunches, ally changing environment; it has physi- ations. Arrange won’t shift it. The only way of tackling cal and emotional effects on us and can a night out to a this type of fat is by reducing overall create positive or negative feelings which comedy club with body fat. Cardiovascular workouts like manifest themselves in physical ailments. your friends and swimming and jogging will ensure a re- De-stress and lower your risk of prema- laugh your wor- duction in body fat. ture-death caused by heart disease. ries away. College Tribune 31.01.06 FEATURES 11 Up in smoke?

After the shock victory of Hamas in last weeks Palestinian elections Eoin Mac Aodha assesses the chances for peace in the region and comments on the difference a year can make

Roughly a year ago, on the anniversary of and as such had not set the precedent of Israel gun ownership. The various factions, bred on Sharon’s current ill-health or ‘political death’ Sheikh Yassin’s death, loudspeakers blared acting unilaterally without the consent of the confl ict with Israel, turned inward and a state of has only added to the sense of instability. That out Koranic verses in honour of the martyred Palestinians. something approaching anarchy has occurred. is not to say that Sharon was the answer to all spiritual leader of Hamas. Young men sat in And most importantly the prospect of Hamas It seems that the ordinary voter believes that the regions ills and that he had suddenly turned self-important silence behind a desk embla- winning an election outright was still somewhat Hamas is more likely than Fatah to bring order a whiter shade of dove. This is the same Sha- zoned with revolutionary paraphernalia. of a pipe dream. Granted, there was talk of them and they may indeed be correct. At this moment ron that was found complicit in the butchering Ramallah, the administrative capital of Pal- ‘doing a Sinn Fein’ and successfully transferring Hamas appear to be a very united and coherent of 2,000 innocent Palestinians in the Sabra and estine was the quintessential bustling Arab into popular politics. Their grass roots organi- force, akin to Fatah about thirty years ago. Chatila refugee camps just outside Beirut in city. Yet there were no camels on the streets sation, with education and social welfare at its This begs the question however, whether 1982. Sharon was wedded to a policy of unilat- only Nissan Sunnys and the shopkeepers were heart stood directly against Fatah’s image as a their stunning election victory will translate into eralism and any policy that refuses to negotiate hawking mobile phones and Manchester United defunct and corrupt party. anything tangible for the Palestinian people. with the Palestinians is fundamentally anath- jerseys rather that carpets. What a difference a year makes. The answer is unclear. ema to peace. Driving into Ramallah your correspondent Hamas have confounded their critics and Hamas remains on an American list of banned In terms of his successor, Ehud Olmert, his had expected a small town, the size of some- now stand as the power brokers in Palestin- terrorist organisations and only managed to deputy at the recently founded Kadima party where like Thurles and a place largely destruct- ian politics. Their election victory on the 25th of compete in the elections under the ‘Change was favourite to become Prime Minister after ed by Israeli bombs and occupation. However, January has seri- and Re- Israel’s March elections. Although Kadima was Ramallah is a place really like no other. ously frightened Perhaps it was the shock that form’ ban- founded by Sharon on the back of his popular- It’s a fascinating mix of old, bombed, and the Americans and the West Bank was not a kind ner. If Israel ity, Olmert managed to thrive in all recent opin- new. The old classical Ottoman buildings dot the Israelis, while would not ion polls. the city, standing haughtily over the remnants surprising Hamas of Apache country where gun- negotiate However, many analysts believe that the vic- of those edifi ces unfortunate enough to have itself. Founded toting fundamentalists career with Yasser tory of a hardline Islamic group in Palestine will been bulldozed or shelled by the Israeli De- in 1987 as a re- around taking pot shots at Arafat be- see the election of a hardliner in Israel. fence Forces (IDF). sponse to the fi rst indiscriminate targets. cause they Step forward Netenyahu, a hawk with fero- In comparison, relatively new and modern Palestinian Intifada considered cious talons and an ability to whip the Israeli buildings funded by wealthy expatriates stand they have remained on the cusps of Palestinian him a terrorist it is doubtful that they will enter electorate into a state of paranoia. Interviewed as a symbol of Palestine’s potential future. power. However, the corruption of Fatah and into negotiations with an organisation that sent on BBC’s Newsnight in the aftermath of the Later as we left Ramallah and the West Bank, Hamas’ corresponding clean-cut image made suicide bombers into their markets, buses and elections, ‘Bibi’ pulled out all the stops, effec- after a short stop at an Israeli checkpoint and them attractive to voters. In addition voters also shopping centres. tively likening Hamas to the Nazi’s, stating that quick glance at the wall that is illegally annexing see Hamas as a strong force capable of stand- While Hamas removed calls for the destruc- they were interested in perpetrating genocide more and more Palestinian territory, the pros- ing up to Israel. tion of the Israeli state from its election manifes- on the Israeli state. pects for peace did not seem too far-fl ung. For their part the movement has moved more to in order to woo voters the Israeli state will not If Netenyahu was to be elected in March it Perhaps it was the shock that the West Bank mainstream and dropped calls for an Islamic be so easily supplicated. A headline on the left would set the faltering peace process back was not a kind of Apache country where gun- state, for the time being at least. Crucially how- wing Israeli daily Haaretz asked, as the election even further. toting fundamentalists career around taking pot ever, their armed wing is still intact and it seems results rolled out; ‘Does Hamas still want you In truth nobody, not even Hamas, expect- shots at indiscriminate targets. unlikely that they will disband it in the near fu- dead? ed this to happen. The challenge now will be Conversely, it had all the hallmarks of a civi- ture. While Benjamin Netneyahu the former Israeli adapting to it and whether they can translate lised society. In addition, Israel’s withdrawal from Gaza has Prime Minister and leader of Likud, one of the their grass-roots profi ciency on to a larger Arafat had just died and there was a sense paradoxically aided Hamas. If Israel had negoti- main opposition parties declared: scale. They claim they will look inward and that although Abu Mazen (Abu Abbas) was not ated the pullout with the Palestinian Authority, “Before our very eyes, Hamastan has been look after Palestine fi rst before worrying about the man to bring to peace, he was at least the Fatah would have been able to take some credit established, the step-child of Iran and the Tali- peace talks and they claim they will sort out the man to bridge the gap between the old guard for the move. As it was the move saw all the ban. It’s in fi ring range of our airport, our high- infrastructure and economy. and younger and popular pragmatists like Mar- various factions scrambling to claim that it was ways and cities. This has to be a day of soul If they can and as a result turn exclusively wan Barghouti,. their policies that forced an Israeli retreat. searching because the writing was on the wall. to peaceful politics, and Israel doesn’t elect Sharon was still in rude health and had not The pullout has created a serious power vac- The policy of giving land for free gave a prize to Netenyahu there may be a chance for negotia- yet retreated from illegal settlements in Gaza uum in a society with a remarkably high level of terror and a winning card for Hamas.” tions. However, that’s a couple of massive ifs. College Tribune 12 FEATURES 31.01.06 Here’s to you Mrs. President? David McLaughlin talks to visiting US Professor Mitch Lerner about the 2008 US Presiden- tial Elections and peruses the possibility of a certain Mrs. Clinton in the White House “That’s always the fi rst question nia’s worth of hilarious sexist jokes? policy, she may still be the same Hi- factor in the re-election of the Texas vice-president (Dick Cheney) is not people seem to ask me since I got Mitch Lerner believes it unlikely. lary Clinton but more conservative on born “mission accomplished” com- going to be running who is usually here”. What about Hilary? Recently “Obviously it’s too early to say, I foreign policy than she has previously mander-in-chief George Bush. the favorite. John McCain and Rudy arrived Professor of History and think she has a decent chance but I been given credit for.” However, being a liberal woman Giuliani (The Mayor of New York dur- bona-fi de American Mitch Lerner don’t think she has as good a chance isn’t the only obstacle Hilary must ing 9/11) are very similar in that they’re seems a little irked by the familiar as many people in Europe suspect face on the road to the White House. both liberal enough and party maver- question but it’s an important one that she has. She’s going to have a lot Many people have pointed to her lack icks enough to be able to win the elec- and one in which many people on of diffi culty with the nomination. of experience in any sort of leadership tion if they can get the nomination. I both sides of the Atlantic have a “There’s going to be a large faction or governing position as a possible don’t think they can get the nomina- very serious interest in. Will Hilary from the Democratic Party that is going weakness in her candidacy. “She’s tion. win the presidency? Has she even to want a conservative candidate. The a two term senator. She has enough “They don’t have the support of got a chance? If she does win it will Democrats have come so close in the experience, if anyone challenges her the real conservative base especially be a major turning point in the his- last two elections that they need to win on that she will simply point to George Giuliani, he’s pro-gay rights and pro- tory of world politics. only a couple more of the swing states Bush who spent eight years as a abortion, McCain is a little bit more Never before has a woman held to win the whole election, like Virginia Texas governor and had never been conservative, he is a war hero, he’s an such a powerful position in the United or North Carolina or even Ohio, Hilary involved in a foreign policy issue when outspoken critic of his party when nec- States of America and arguably the will run very well with the base in the he became president and say ‘I have essary and I think he would be a great world. Never before has the world Democratic party, but she’s not going just as much experience as he had’, candidate if he can win the nomination trusted a woman enough to let one to win any of the crossover voters to her main disadvantage is that she has but the Republican base, the real con- have her fi nger on the button. Could win the critical states” a reputation as a liberal, she’s from servatives who are the power behind this be the end of thousands of years The problem for Hilary is exactly Mitch Learner New York which isn’t going to go down the party are going to push for a more of male domination and female op- the same thing that makes people in As for the female factor Lerner feels well, so she wont be able to bring that fi re-breathing, anti-abortion, anti-gay pression? Could this be the dawn of a European countries so eager to see that this may go either way for her dur- to the table.” marriage activist who probably won’t new female friendly era? Will we have her win, she’s too liberal. “She is fairly ing the campaign and could prove to Critics of Clinton have also attacked win the election but will do very well t o throw out a deplored by the far right and it’s like be as big an asset as a liability. The her public manner, which seems to in the primaries which attract the more millen- waving a red fl ag in front of a wild bull, current confi rmation proceeding of lack any of the smooth charm for which hard core conservative Christian right she is going meet with large opposi- Judge Samuel Alito to the Supreme her husband was renowned. “When to the voting booths”. tion from conservatives”. Court may have an unexpected im- she fi rst ran for the senate in New When talking of possible female This is largely to be expect- pact in this area. “The election of a York she was as bad a politician as I candidates one noteworthy potential ed for any Democratic can- conservative anti-abortion judge to the have ever seen, she has gotten better candidate is always worth a mention. didate but especially for Supreme Court may mobilize the white I think, they say in private she has a Dr. Condoleezza Rice, current Secre- a female Democrat who middle class American women who sense of humour and a personality but tary of State for the Bush administra- is renowned for her pro- have always been in Hilary’s base but she doesn’t seem to let it show on the tion, while still in the long shot cate- choice views. This may have voted Republican over the last campaign trail, she always looks like gory is a presidential candidate many explain the recent accu- four or fi ve years mostly because of she’s on the defensive, never seems people are getting worked up about. sations by members of 9/11. If the state starts creating laws to very comfortable out there. However, I “Condoleezza could be a formida- the Democratic party and ble candidate but her lack of experi- the media that Hilary has ence will go against. She has never been moving closer to the She is going to be so even ran for a political offi ce and not political centre in order to absolutely hated by the enough is known about her political gain more popularity while views. She also has a reputation for leaving behind her more conservatives that it’s being quite thin skinned. Also as a radical liberal views. black female she will have a very hard “She’s not running right now going to be very interesting time getting support from the hard in any capacity that refl ects any- core conservative republican base. thing that she really isn’t, she’s ban abortion there may be a backlash think George Bush fairly demonstrated She has said that her dream job is to still very liberal on social issues against this, a lot of these women who that you can win a presidential cam- be the commissioner of the National such as healthcare and social think abortion is a big issue will come paign without necessarily being the Football League and I have a feeling security, child support and envi- back to Hilary’s side.” most charismatic person in the world. she might end up there one day.” ronmental issues. In the last On the other hand, the paranoia While there is widespread agree- In the end the problem for both Re- couple of years she has in America regarding security post ment among political analysts that publicans and Democrats is the same. become a real hawk on 9/11 will remain a major factor in the barring some big upset it will be Hilary “You’ve got to get someone who can defensive and forthcoming election. “Fair or not, the Clinton representing the Democrats please the base for the nomination foreign perception in the United States is in 2008 Lerner believes that there are and then go back to the centre for that a woman just isn’t as tough, still a few other strong contenders for the election”. Hilary Clinton it seems and with terrorism fi rmly in the the nomination. “Mark Warner who is is already walking this tight rope with public consciousness some the Virginia Governor is very popu- moderate success and she does have people are going to think that lar in Virginia and in the south and is a few tricks up her sleeve. One ma- they would rather have a Hilary’s most formidable opponent. jor advantage Hilary does have over tough man as president than He doesn’t have a lot of name rec- her opponents is quite obvious, her a liberal New ognition right now, but he is someone name. York woman.” who can win over the states of Vir- “Firstly she can raise an ungodly This is ginia, Ohio and North Carolina. I don’t amount of money, the biggest draw something rule out completely the possibility of is just her name. She goes around which Repub- Al Gore running again, John Kerry and gives speeches on behalf of can- licans have will run again but he doesn’t have a didates, she’s very well connected been playing chance, John Edwards has only one through her husband and a large to their advan- term of experience as a senator and amount of donors, the fact that she’s a tage for the is regarded as a bit of a lightweight in woman may very well help her, she’s last few years terms of his experience”. obviously a very bright woman and ar- and has As for the Republican opposition the ticulate though she doesn’t come off been con- fi eld remains very much wide open. as very charming. She is going to be sidered “The competition for the conservative so absolutely hated by the conserva- a ma- candidacy is wide open as it’s the fi rst tives that it’s going to be very interest- jor time in recent history that the sitting ing”. College Tribune 31.01.06 FEATURES 13 Let it go roysh

Alexandra Sandra Burns examines the phenomenon of Ross O’Carroll Kelly and concludes that its time he hung up his dubes and lived happily ever after in the ‘rock.’

Eight years ago, Sunday Tribune thinking that Howard is in fact ridicul- out getting drunk sports journalist Paul Howard was ing working class people. with his friends given an assignment to write an In an interview Howard recalled and bedding ran- article about the Junior and Sen- a letter from a Ross fan; the boy in dom women such ior Cup Schools Rugby teams. question and his friends had driven as ‘Amie with an ‘ie’’ Shocked and amused by what he around ‘Tallafornia’, leaning out of the or ‘Ana with one ‘n’. saw, the infamous Ross O’Carroll car and shouting “affl uence!,” emulat- In his latest book, which, Kelly was born. ing an episode in the column. That like all the other books is a As a former alumnus of UCD, there appears to be the reason for the huge re-hash of the columns has always been a massive interest popularity of Ross. The humour lies with some extra material in his latest escapades and since its in the familiar cliché of the northside- thrown in, Ross builds inception, the weekly column on the southside divide, and the books have a relationship with his back-page of the Sunday Tribune has been so successful that the third in- seven-year old son, gained a cult following, producing stallment is currently being translated who he only discovered enough material to propel fi ve books into Russian and rumour has it that a he had on the day of his to the Irish bestseller list. fi lm is also in the pipeline. wedding to Sorcha. It turns In his most recent venture, ‘The However, since Ross left the edu- out that an encounter he had Curious Incident of the Dog in the cation system, the familiar formula had in fi fth year on a cultural ex- Nightdress,’ there is no denying that of ‘focks’ and ‘roysh’ has gotten tired change in ‘Pram Springs’ resulted Howard has produced some hilarious and has lost the comic punch it once in a baby, with Mr. and Mrs. O’Carrol tales from his usual formula. But brace had. Even at its best, the column is Kelly paying off the child’s mother to yourself Ross fans; it seems that the reliant on the same tired, hackneyed keep quiet. cept time has come for Ross to hang up jokes about the division between Ross’s new-found son Ronan is of and the re- his dubes and be left in peace to fi - northside and southside again and course a ‘skobie’. The introduction of sulting articles nally live happily ever after. again. Ronan as a character though feels have been hilarious Howard has explained several As the series has progressed how- like an obvious plot device for Howard in their insight into a times that his column is intended to ever, the books lost their edge and the to keep up with his endless contrived unique aspect of Irish mock spoilt southside brats. Though humour began to grow stale. Ross is contrasts between northsiders and culture. Alas though many, presumably as intellectually now 23 years old, with a wife and two southsiders. There’s no denying that it’s time for Ross to re- challenged as Ross himself, worship children. Although it was never par- the concept is scarily accurate and tire and for Paul Howard the character as a modern-day Irish ticularly funny, it now seems pathetic that we all take great pleasure in tak- to return to what he does hero and completely miss the point, for him to be still jobless, still going ing the piss out of ourselves. The con- best, sports journalism. College Tribune 14 FEATURES 31.01.06 Raising the Stakes Barra Ò Fianail looks at the rise and rise of poker amongst Ireland’s student popu- lation and ponders whether it should be classifi ed as our national sport

Imagine a bleak winter’s night on pearance on those nightline posters - some desolated road somewhere Poker Problems? around campus; a solitary fi gure Some might say that anything that pushes his way to some unknown pierces the monopoly that drink cul- destination, against a sharp wind, ture has established over our social which seems to blow purposely in lives is a positive thing, and although his face. the merits, or lack of, attached to our This UCD student buries his hands use of alcohol is a separate issue, it’s deep into his pockets in an effort to safe to say that the odds on drinking protect them from the cruel weather a little less would do us any harm are which we call normal. The street- quite slim. That massive assumption lamps’ attempts to pierce the dark- aside, we should evaluate poker on ness are of only limited success, they its own merits, namely whether its net resemble stars, only dotting the blan- effects on our college be positive or ket darkness with bulbs of light. negative. This poetically bleak scene might Well, there are certainly some neg- be made slightly less picturesque by atives involved in our new ‘sport’ of the drunken stumbling of the afore- choice. Namely, the dodgy aspects mentioned student, because if one of of gambling, of which poker is undeni- us do happen to be spotted walking ably a form, and as such the harm- home in the dead of the night, chanc- ful aspects of gambling that go hand es are we’ve spent the last few hours and hand with it. How would we feel getting locked and doing things we if Paddy Power decided there was a are likely to regret in the morning, like good opportunity to expand his busi- giving that girl you can’t quite get over ness with on-campus bookmakers, a ring in the wee small hours, and it and decided to set up shop in UCD? seemed like such a good idea at the Admittedly this would be a somewhat time. more extreme situation than our cur- Perhaps the student has had a rent infatuation with Texas Holdem, few too many Dutchy G’s, but there but it does illustrate the fact that we is an increasing likelihood of this sort should exercise caution when gam- Poker:we It’s should very popular only exclude these daysfrom hard to beat the crack you get from Alternatively you could get involved of assumption being wrong, because bling fi nds its way into student life. an alternative possibility is emerging. What are the practical implications our campus things whose positive ef- sitting there with a pair of aces while with one of the many house games The student, you see, may well have that these dangers might have on our fects are outweighed by its negative, some poor unfortunate heaps his going on around our student’s resi- spent the evening playing poker, as college? Well, they are many and in and this is not the case with poker. money into the pot in an attempt to dents, this way your likely to get to more and more of us seem to be do- my experience, they are also very The vast majority of people who buy you out of it. If that’s double-Dutch know friends you play with even bet- ing. The international poker craze that real. Students losing too much money play do so on a recreational basis and to you then let me put it in a layman ter and recruit their mates as your has been in full fl ow of late has not by not knowing when to stop or just any negative effects the sport has on friendly way, students who play poker own as well. It really is a win-win so- left our college unmarked, and our being unable to do so, the ‘I can win it a small minority of our fellow students obviously think it’s a good laugh, and cial situation if you’re anyway sound, very own poker society is perhaps the all back’ attitude. is a result of their abuse of what is seen as how it’s all down hill after we and if you’re a tool, you can hardly most conspicuous manifestation of otherwise a legitimate social activity. blame that on poker. this new trend. How would we Having said that, this minority of stu- It really is a In the end, UCD students would The society is perhaps one of feel if Paddy dents clearly have a problem, which win-win social have had access to poker or other the fastest growing in our college. Power decided needs to be dealt with in order to limit forms of gambling whether Texas Hol- While last years events were slightly the detrimental effects on their lives. situation if you’re dem had come to our campus or not. hit and miss, this year they boast there was a good So what does poker have to offer anyway sound, So any negative effects which poker weekly events with prize pools of up opportunity us students and why have we taken has on students are probably only to £1,000 pulling in the crowds. The to expand his to it in such a major way? Well, 2nd and if you’re a exposing underlying problems that society’s web-site cleverly describes business with Business and Legal studies student tool, you can would have surfaced anyway. The the 5 Euro you will have to part with Eoin O’Connor says he plays ‘for the hardly blame that fact that these issues might come to to take part in these tournaments as on-campus sociable aspect and the banter with a head now while the students are slightly less than the cost of a pint. bookmakers? friends’ but admits that sometimes he on poker in college may actually be a positive As well as the ‘possibility of win- needs the money. thing, as it gives the college an oppor- ning a far greater amount of euros’ Also, students who get hooked by In general the positive aspects that leave college, it’s very important we tunity to help these students to deal the society maintains your entry fee the game can fi nd themselves spend- come with poker differ little from those have a laugh while we can. with a problem they may have been will buy you ‘hours of entertainment ing less and less time in college and we get from other sports. People play Poker also offers us with a great left to face alone later in life. and socialising’. They might be sus- more and more time sitting around a poker, for the most part, because they way to interact with each other, and Whatever ones views on poker in pected of a slight bias but enough cards-table. These problems may not enjoy doing so and like any other unlike other sports you don’t have our college are, it has undeniably be- students seem to agree that they pro- be as well publicised as others which sport, poker can have certain positive to end up being smelly afterwards. If come a big part of student life, and vide a service that offers good value we face, but be assured there are effects on the social-lives of those you choose to join the poker society looks as if it will be so for a long time for money. some of your fellow students strug- who take part. and play in the events they hold on to come. So, if you have not already So now that we might fi nd a re- gling with them this very day. Setting aside the fact that Texas a regular basis you will get to know been bitten by the Texas Holdem bug vered copy of the DVD `Rounders` So, considering the negative effects Holdem wont get you fi t or give you other people who do likewise, and its and no moral objections stand in your in our students digs, how should we it can have on student’s lives should big guns as other sports might, it does one off the few sports were men and way, you might want to give it a go, feel? Is poker a welcome friend, or yet we oppose the presence of a poker have a lot of the positive things to of- women compete together so romance a lot of us seem to think it’s a bit of another problem ready to make its ap- community in our college? Perhaps fer to student life. Fundamentally, its is not out of the question. crack. College Tribune 31.01.06 FEATURES 15

Following a that increasingly organizations are con- cerned with a phenomenon called ‘Per- controversial report sonal Transferable Skills.’ criticising 3rd level Among other things, transferable skills WWherehere ttoo include communication abilities, leader- career guidance, ship potential, adaptability and interper- Eileen O’Malley sonal sensitivity. As Tobin points out, “it’s examines the state not always therefore adequate to say; of limbo facing well I have a good degree, because very ffromrom here?here? often employers looks for a wider tem- graduates confused plate of points. I think you need to go that about their options step further and try and see what they are looking for and to match yourself In more innocent years, many of us against that.” dreamed of becoming astronauts or Obviously this begs the question as to fi remen, for some, the job title of Prin- how important your degree really is. In cess was a viable career possibility. an increasingly competitive employment A simpler time, when we believed we market, degrees are no longer a guaran- could become whatever we wanted tee but rather a stepping stone towards once we reached that mystifying state your future. Valuable as careers advice of being a ‘grown-up’. is, it is a tool. Amongst the confusion University bought us a few more years of deciding your future, individuals only of blissful ignorance, en route to ‘make have themselves to rely on. It is only you something of ourselves’ and yet there that can take the practical steps toward was an understanding that everyone had your future. plenty of time before there was any need This is not to say the report has no for the mature contemplation of the fu- merit. There are indeed fl aws with the ture. careers service within third level and the Alas a time for contemplation will bridge from university to that of employ- come, sooner for some than others, ment is not as smooth as economic pun- when the potentially bumpy road into dits will lead you to believe. the real world must commence. Unless The key is to be pro-active and main- you have lived quietly under a rock for tain your sanity throughout. We are the the past ten years, you are aware that next generation of worker bees and there there has never been a better time to be is somewhat of a self-infl icted pressure crossing the divide into permanent em- on our generation to be more successful ployment, with the country still riding the foot into the career’s offi ce. Tobin is aware that, that, ‘if you were to look at what most employers than the ones that have gone before. On prosperous wave of the exhaustive Celtic Tiger. “sometimes it’s a battle; we’re looking for public- are looking for, very often it is not your results an optimistic note, and in the immortal words of Here though is where the problem lies. So ity too, often competing for attention. We have to they take account of, because they realize that Baz Lurman, it is said that the most interesting skilled is Ireland’s workforce that the endless constantly market ourselves, there is no gun to you’ve been in a competitive situation and dem- of people are still deciding what they want to be choices can be overwhelming for prospective their head forcing them to come and visit.’ onstrated your ability.” Rather Tobin suggests when they grow up well into their forties. graduates, where competition has left us battling It could be argued that the criticisms outlined to prove ourselves worthy of the most lucrative in the government report are coming from stu- of jobs. dents who have not given career guidance a The quality of career guidance however, so chance, preferring to hope things work out in the intricate to these decisions, has been heavily end and complain when they do not. Graduates criticized in a recently leaked government com- need to take responsibility too and be proactive missioned report by the Expert Group on Future about their future. Just as equally though is the Skills Needs. According to the report; there is a accusation, cemented by the report, that points “huge lack of awareness” about career options to the fl aws in careers advice, fl aws which are in both second level and more troublingly third often felt primarily by Arts graduates who are in level. the tricky position of having no clear path to a The report is critical of career services, which specifi c career, with the possible exception of appeared to students surveyed to be driven by teaching. the needs of major employers, rather than driv- The theme of any careers advice must, ac- en by the interests of the students themselves. cording to Tobin, be encouragement. The report also claimed that advice was often Irrespective of encouragement though, the re- deemed ‘very general and non-specialized.’ In ality of the situation is that graduating students particular was the accusation that business stu- need to take a long hard look at what they want dents felt corralled into applying for the ‘Big Four’ to do with the rest of their lives. We are a fortu- accountancy fi rms to the determent of other op- nate generation in that we don’t have to ‘settle’ portunities. for a career but have the potential to achieve our Colm Tobin, the Head of UCD’s Careers Of- aspirations and ‘shop around’ for what we want. fi ce responded to the report, saying that, “here But beware; the road to employment is not al- in UCD we have absolutely no ambiguity on that ways an easy one. The selection process can be score, to illustrate that, all of our major publica- rigorous and an increasing number of organiza- tions are student orientated. We are constantly tions are using aptitude tests to sieve out the fi n- making efforts to explore a wide range of options est universities have to offer. The double edged for students.” sword of a booming economy in a relatively small Tobin however, agrees that not all criticism of country is that those of us with a degree are all third level career services are bad, “we need to vying for the most promising jobs and the result- be constantly alert within third level of this sort ing competition is high. of criticisms, because it’s not good enough just With regards battling the demon of aptitude to fi ght back. We should always be conscious tests, Tobin suggests that practice is the key, “I of the fact that we are here, aiding and abetting think you can improve through familiarity, if you our academics in developing students. So we re- can become familiar enough to meet the cut off ally should be sensitive to criticism because we point then you are into the second step.” Practice can learn from it, it can show up areas which we and preparation may be crucial, but do not be should develop.” fooled, aptitude tests are diffi cult and they have One such area is that of attracting students to the potential to act as a hurdle to those trying to look for guidance in the fi rst place. There contin- break the glass roof of companies. ues to be a signifi cant number of UCD students Never the less, there are key attributes that who have never, and most likely will never step, employers are searching for. Tobin points out College Tribune College Tribune 16 THE HEADLINER 31.01.06 31.01.06 THE HEADLINER 17 WWestlifeestlife StoryStory Richéal Carroll They’re the biggest band in Britain and Ireland whether you like it or not. Ruaidhri O’Connor catches up with the Westlife boys as they celebrate yet another number one album.

ark Feehily looks a little uncom- lan, Kian Egan and Mark Feehily, is small Take That songs in their earlier days. Each other music journalist will write them off, fortable. Not for the fi rst time in news. They sell papers, one of them is mar- member can dance to Relight My Fire from but they really do possess an X factor as Mthe last twelve months, he’s been ried to the Taoiseach’s daughter and their memory, from their brief dalliance as Sligo their latest album fi gures indicate. asked about his relationship. Since he former member is a serial headline maker. band IOU, before they recruited Bryan Mc- “You don’t know how an album is going to came out of the closet, the Westlife star It feels like they’ve been around for ever Fadden and Nicky Byrne from Dublin and do when you release it”, says Shane, “but it has faced numerous questions about his but they’re still not thirty. In an age where hit the big time. has been a huge success and I suppose it love life and he never appears particularly there exists a serious dearth of boybands Those days seem like a long time ago was a shock to us but it shows us again as happy about it. they fl y the fl ag relentlessly. now, the band has had more hit singles long as you have the right song it doesn’t Today is, however, a bit of an anniversary Indeed, when they began they were in the last six years than Madonna has in matter once you have one big song it gives for Feehily, who met his boyfriend Kevin thought of as the natural pretenders to the last twenty and their fi rst seven singles you a whole new life.” McDaid twelve months to the day at the Boyzone’s throne. There now exists seri- have hit number one, a record. Their album Face to Face shot to number Kian presented the Childline gig in the past Downey puts a lot of effort into running the did come close after Toto Schillaci put the of January into their diaries for a trip to Childline concert in Dublin’s Point. one and it meant that the band would keep but wouldn’t fancy it again. However, that show and making sure it’s a success.” ball in the Irish net back in 1990. Howev- Dublin’s docklands. They’re back again at what is now an an- “Obviously they’re older and stuff but I going, Shane having threatened the call was a once off. Time up and Westlife exit the media nual appearance for a charity they’ve very think they have the same voices but it’ll be it a day if it wasn’t a hit. Their single, You “I wouldn’t do it again. Its got absolutely “I think we enjoy performing the up tempo area. Slickly groomed and trained to pre- clear links with, and for Mark and his part- Raise Me Up is likely to pop up whenever nothing to do with not wanting to, I just numbers as well as much as the ballads and empt every question the media can throw ner, it’s a bit of a plus. interesting to see them dance! Mark Owen you turn on a radio. There’s little doubt that didn’t enjoy the pressure of it, once its up at them it’s a walk in the park for Sligo’s “It’s a nice memory alright, Childline’s al- will probably get down and boogie.” their next number, Amazing, will be a hit. and going its ok but no, its not really my the way it worked we obviously released a most famous exports since Yeats. ways good but it’s a massive bonus, mem- Amazing is a little bit of a departure for thing.” lot more ballads. It’s not even that up tempo They don’t win critical acclaim for their ory wise. We’re very happy.” the foursome, in that it’s not a ballad. “It has The event is a must for them. “Well its albums but their record sales show that If Feehily was looking for the quiet life, ous talk of Boyzone’s revival as boyband Boybands are renowned for short shelf a bit of a kick to it alright.” laughs Shane obviously one of the biggest charities”, but it feels like a dance song to us!” they own a huge niche market and don’t it’s pretty obvious he’s in the wrong band. nostalgia runs riot. lives but Westlife have defi ed the odds. “I think we enjoy performing the up-tem- Nicky explains, “and I know there’s a lot look like giving it up any time soon. They’ll Westlife may have started out small doing Westlife were there to take the mantle This is something that Shane Filan clearly po numbers as well as much as the bal- of kids benefi ting from having someone to None of them ever had reason to ring er, they appreciate the importance of the be knocked and pilloried but they don’t gigs in Sligo, but by now they’re a multi mil- when Boyzone went belly up but now that feels strongly about. lads and the way it worked we obviously talk to 24 hours of the day and Caroline Childline in their youth, although Nicky event and always pencil the last Sunday seem to care and its hard to blame them. lion selling success story and there’s no their predecessors are looking at reviv- “A lot of people have kind of written us released a lot more ballads. It’s not even such thing as privacy. ing themselves, the heirs are still in rude off every year for the last few years but we that up-tempo but it feels like a dance song Thus, when the singer health. Why get nostalgic when the real keep coming out with great albums and we to us!” went public it warrant- thing still sells records. have a great fan base and it just shows that Their success in the record stakes is being ed tabloid front pag- Of course, the boys are excited at the if you have the right songs people are prob- matched with gong nominations elsewhere es and an appear- upcoming tour of the genre’s Godfathers, ably going to buy it.” with Brit Awards and even an all Sligo com- ance on the Late Take That, and will be attending their Wem- Age seems to have matured them and petition for the Best Irish Late. Nothing, bley gig. they can enjoy their success much more. Pop at the Meteor Music when it comes “We’re all massive Take That fans, says “We enjoy it, now more than ever. We’re Awards later this week to Nicky Byrne, Mark. “Between themselves, the Back probably more settled in our lives now, in where they face the du- Shane Fi- Street Boys and Boyzone, being our private lives in, our home lives and bious honour of beating Irish, we’ve watched their tours we’re enjoying it a lot more now.” Tabby O’Callaghan and on video. They gave us some- Westlife arrived on our screens fresh the Conway Sisters. thing to aim for; we wanted an faced youngsters but now they’re the elder “We’d love to win audience that big. We didn’t want statesmen of the pop world. At the Childline it” says Kian, “it just to be them, we wanted gig they topped a bill that included twelve proves that there’s to have what they year old Dublin rapper Krisma and new kid loads of great had.” on the block Shane Ward. They’ve seen talent in Sligo, But will the re- new acts come and go but they’ve survived, and all over the union tour work? churning out hit after hit. country.” Shane believes They’re family men now, all with regular So West- it will, “Obvi- partners and Shane’s fi rst daughter was life are back ously they’re born six months ago. Already she’s being at the coal older and stuff touted for a pop career. “Ah, come on she’s face, playing but I think that only six months” he laughs, to thousands they have the “of course I’d support her of screaming same voices”. in anything she wanted teenagers pro- “It’ll be interest- to do.” moting a char- ing to see them Every so ity that they dance!” Nicky often an- fi rmly believe interjects. in. “That’s what people want to see. Mark Owen will prob- ably get down and boogy.” Ironically, West- life used to cover “Imagine that we looked back on “s’cuse me Bud, d’ya ‘ave WB Yeat’s great email forwards” an inlay card for tha?” RUD’S WORLD 24> YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A CAR 21> DISTRACTIONS FASHION 18 FILM 19 MUSIC 21 REGULARS 24 THE TURBINE 26 BAG Fashion expose ‘06 Kate Whelan declares that in the fashion year of 2006 we can look forward to saying goodbye to bare midriffs and short skirts because it’s all about covering up!

it As we bid adieu to the winter and along with it, winter woollies, varying degrees of skinniness, so start off with a fl attering pair. the spring collections hang on tender hooks in the high street With spring just around the corner a cropped jacket would make a stores. Take advantage of this now and go and buy a fl oral print wise investment. Indeed, this year the cropped jacket will be a must skirt. Floral print is gonna be huge this year especially for spring have. They are so versatile and can be carried from winter through SKI BUNNIES and summer. to spring, you can dress them down with a hoody and jeans. Word of Skiing and snowboarding is really happen- For 2006 there are a few essentials that everyone should have in warning though, waistcoats are gone from our fashion radar. ing at the moment. Stay warm on the their wardrobe. First, invest in a hot pair of jeans, the most sought 2006 is waving goodbye to the mini and saying hello to the pencil slopes with a cute woolly hat and a sexy after are dark denim. Jeans are a classic so ask yourself before you skirt. They are sexy and elegant, and accentuate the curvaceous- cashmere jumper. purchase, do they fi t well, and do they look as good as they could? ness of a woman’s fi gure. The ups and downs have it this year! Hem- Don’t lose hope. Keep searching, the perfect, most lines are lowering and waistlines are rising. If you fi nd the idea of a ORIENTAL AND fl attering are out there. pencil skirt daunting, you can alternatively go for an A-line or full skirt. KIMONO STYLE TOPS Stay true to yourself. Remember we They are more forgiving than the fi gure-hugging pencil skirt and look Following the release of the movie, Mem- all have different body shapes great with heels or fl ats. oirs of a Geisha, oriental and Kimono style so not every style of jean Yes, dresses they are making a comeback big-time. Comfy and tops are going to be big in 2006. High suits everyone. It is sexy at the same time! Pants waistlines are starting to go up which is street stores will soon be bombarding us essential that to buy what is bringing belts back in. It may take a while but at least they are with such Eastern inspired clothes. a pair to suit your not going down any farther. Was there any room left to go? body shape. It seems that we have been overcome by pumps! Flat, pointed, PROJECT CATWALK Evidently the round toed, metallic, plain, fl oral-you name it, you can get it! This year The new show on sky one that is looking to skinny jeans epidem- prepare to pump it up even more. They are available in all the high find the next big designer. ic is still very popular street stores at affordable prices so there are no excuses not to have A must for all fashion followers! and will remain so for a pair, these will also look fab in spring with fl oaty gypsy skirts. the rest of the year, Every year we are told UGG boots are out, an alternative boot WINTER BRIGHTS but remember they for this year is a fl at knee length suede boot. These boots are more Just because it’s the month of January don’t suit eve- versatile as they can be worn from day through to night, teamed with doesn’t mean your wardrobe has to be ryone! It’s a a denim mini and tights they look super stylish! dark as well. Look to designers such as good idea to To look the part this year, make sure your wardrobe contains a Mark Jacobs and Giles Deacon for an in- slowly wean striped jumper. Stripes are big this year, and available almost every- spirational splash of colour. yourself into where. They look cool and sophisticated teamed with a pair of jeans. this style. A word of advice: steer clear of monochrome, go for bright colours There this coming spring! are As for accessories, this year turquoise beads are in, keep your jewellery bright and funky for the spring/summer. Bling is out! Avoid sparkles and diamonds as they have well and truly had their day! Instead we are leaning in an arts and crafts direction. BIN it Necklaces will be beady, long and beautiful. Dangling earrings to match and complete an ensemble. Out with chandeliers and JUICY TRACKSUITS in with hanging beads. Juicy Couture valour tracksuits in pastel 2006 looks set to say goodbye to boho chic and we can look colours have passed their sell buy date forward to welcoming more of a sophisticated look. Necklaces and been given a thumbs down by every- are going down as well as hemlines. Not too much though, just one in the fashion world. mini’s are out. Look for knee length and long fl owing skirts and dresses. Lacey, satin, sheers and gauze is it for skirts and dress- THE BOB es. What was the Christmas hair hit Let your accessories sizzle and your femininity and sex-appeal is now this season’s miss. It only reign in this year’s styles. suits a very small percentage of Happy shopping people!

face shapes and is a nightmare FOR 2006 FOR 2006 to maintain. Bring back Sien- na’s long, blonde locks. CELEBRITY DIVORCE. (Nick & Jessica) Lesson to be learned: don’t marry for fame and fortune. INPencil skirts OUTBaring it all Dark denim Tiered skirts SKINNY, SKINNY, SKINNY Stripes Dark knits This skinny obsession is not hot. Covering up City shorts Floral prints The skeletal look of Lindsay Distressed denim Lohan and Nicole Ritchie is Oriental style tops certainly not healthy never Cropped jackets mind attractive. Streamline fl at boots College Tribune 31.01.06 FILM 19 The Real Munich

With the release of Stephen Spielberg’s Munich, a fi lm dedicated to the Israeli revenge mission that succeded the death of 11 Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics, Eoin Mac Aodha describes the events that the history books are in danger of forgetting

At 4 am on September 5th 1972, eight Black September freedom fi ghters entered the Olympic Vil- lage in Munich and made their way towards the Israeli quarters. They breezed quietly past the casual German security and arrived at the Israeli Olympic delegations base at number 31 ConnollyStrasse. There they killed two Israeli ath- letes and took another nine hostage. At 9.00 am they announced that they were Palestinian freedom fi ghters and demanded the release of 234 Pal- estinians detained in Israeli jails and another two imprisoned in Frankfurt, Germany. The early 1970’s saw the radicali- sation of the Palestinian commando movement and an element emerged that wanted to perpetrate big, bold shocking strikes against its enemies. Tragedy: (Left to right) The Israeli Olympic Team, Demonstrators at the games, a failed rescue attempt and the Black September operatives From these circumstances Black September materialized, ostensibly an nothing. About fi fteen minutes later, he commandos fi ring at Tsabari, turned to extend the deadline and demanded of Police after sometime and asked offshoot of Fatah (the party of Yasser heard shots again and this time when and targeted him. Although he had just two planes to fl y them to Cairo, Egypt. him why are you waiting. He replied Arafat and the party of the current Pal- he looked out of his window he saw the seen his friend Weinberg die attempt- The German authorities eventually that they were waiting for armoured estinian President Abu Abbas), it was body of Moshe Weinberg, the wrestling ing to escape, the wrestler, Yossef Ro- agreed after two ill thought out rescue cars to arrive from Munich; they were far more radical than its big brother. athlete, lying dead outside the team’s mano, lunged at one of the terrorists, attempts failed. The fi rst was foiled stuck [in traffi c] because of the news- Many commentators lay the blame quarters. despite being on crutches after injuring when television cameras beamed pic- paper people. for the attacks at the feet of the West The terrorists entered through himself during the games, and he too tures of elite forces on the roof of the “We asked for a loudspeaker to go Germans and there is defi nitely a apartment one Yossef Gutfreund, the was shot but not killed instantly. The fe- Israeli quarters right into the watching to the roof of the building, we could suggestion that the fl edgling state at- wrestling referee, had heard the com- dayeen now held ten hostages. eyes of the terrorists who were inspect- speak Arabic, and talk to them. At tempted to ascribe for the evils of the mandos at the door and made a futile The delegations headquarters were ing the television sets in the Israeli the beginning they didn’t want us to Nazi regime with a relaxed approach attempt to bar their entry by wedging split into fi ve apartments. The ter- quarters. intervene in their operation. We went to security. himself against the entrance. Tuvia rorist’s chose, apartments one and The Germans eventually realised on the roof and they opened fi re on Shmuel Lalkin the head of the Israeli Sokolovsky, the weightlifting trainer, three. They had planned on entering that they had no option but to move us. I had a chance to look at one Delegation to the games maintained managed to escape. As his colleague apartment two but changed their minds the terrorists and their hostages out of of the ‘so called’ snipers, this wasn’t “[The West Germans] wanted the nice Yossef Gutfreund held the terrorists when they saw Dr Shaul Ladany, the the Olympic Village beehive. They set- a snipers gun, he wasn’t a sniper, he Olympics where everybody would for- back, Sokolovsky retreated to his bed- Olympic walker, who had heard the tled on transferring them to a military was just a policeman.” get 1936, the new Germany” room and escaped through the win- gun-shots, escape from apartment two airbase in Firstenfeldbruck, just outside Thus the rescue attempt ended Ankie Spitzer, the wife of the mur- dow. and run to safety. Munich. in complete and abject failure. All dered fencing coach Andre Spitzer, Zvi Zamir, the head of Mossad (Is- nine of the Israeli athletes perished. was in Munich with her husband be- “I had a chance to look at one of raeli Secret Service) was present in At 11:55 am, roughly an hour and a fore the games began: “There was Firstenfeldbruck and recalls the events half after the fi rst shots were fi red, no security whatsoever. I was there the ‘so called’ snipers, this wasn’t as they happened; “We fl ew to the armoured cars eventually arrived in three weeks; of course I did not have a a snipers gun, he wasn’t a sniper, base and landed a few minutes before Firstenfeldbruck. They were parked badge [to show that] I belonged to any the helicopter [containing the fedayeen beside the fi rst helicopter, although the national team. he was just a policeman.” and hostages] arrived. We went to the shooting had died down considerably “Nobody was allowed to enter the fi rst fl oor [of the control tower] and we the Palestinian commando panicked Olympic village, it was then divided Unfortunately, the fedayeen were too All ten of the hostages were moved were watching. The windows were when he saw the car. He opened between a men’s village and a wom- powerful for Gutfreund and they forced into apartment one, in spite of his dark, the building was dark and there fi re on his four hostages killing Ja- en’s village. You could not go in, only their way in to the apartment, where wounds Yossef Romano was still were a lot of soldiers there. They told cov Springer, Eliezer Halfi n and Zeev those who had the tag, so it was very they began rounding up the athletes. alive although he was haemorrhaging me the troops who were going to res- Friedman instantly but only wounding simple, the Germans, they have a one One of the commandos entered the blood. cue our team were Bavarian border David Berger. He then vacated the track mind, for them the entrance is the wrestler Moshe Weinberg’s bedroom. The German police arrived at 4.50 police. helicopter and threw a grenade into entrance and the exit is the exit. So I The hulking wrestler attacked the com- am and a game of cat and mouse en- “We went up knowing the plan as it it, which killed Berger and incinerated came in through the exit every day be- mando with a fruit knife slashing his sued with the terrorists throughout the was, watching from the window and the athletes. cause they couldn’t fi gure it that anyone jacket, as the fedayeen fell to one side, day. The German government wanted we saw the head of the Palestinians On the other helicopter, Jamal Al- would come in through the exit! So I another commando shot Weinberg, the to negotiate but Israel, eternally fearful walking with a few Germans towards Gashey also opened fi re on the hos- was in the Olympic village every day.” bullet going through his mouth, leaving of its security, refused to countenance the Lufthansa aeroplane. There were tages, killing Yossef Gutfreund, Kehat At 4 am, eight Black September ter- a gaping wound. negotiations with any terrorists groups. some lights but no projectors. I was Shorr, Mark Slavin, rorists dressed in tracksuits and carry- At this stage the Black September The German government placated the hoping that they would start to operate, Andre Spitzer and Amitzur Shapira. ing kit bags, entered the Olympic Vil- operatives began to search for more Palestinians and bought more and knowing [they would] if they had done Only at 12:30 am, a full two hours after lage completely unmolested. Indeed, hostages. They ignored apartment more time claiming that that the Israe- any preparation, it was night. the helicopters arrived in Firstenfeld- they were helped over the fence by a two and entered apartment three where lis were attempting to round up all the “We saw two Arabs walking back bruck, did the shooting fi nally stop. In group of American athletes returning they began to lead their new hostages prisoners they demanded be released. from the aeroplane, knowing part of the addition to the Israeli athletes, a stray from a night out in Munich. They im- to apartment one. It was at this point The deadline, initially set for 9 am plan was that they should have been fedayeen bullet killed Anton Flieg- mediately made their way towards the that the wrestler, Gad Tsabari, made a was extended until 12 am and then caught by police. As we discussed erbauer, a young German police offi c- Israeli delegation’s quarters at 31 Con- dash for freedom. until 1pm and once more until 3 pm. this, the Germans started opening er. Five of the Palestinians also died, nollyStrasse. As Tsabari ran to freedom, once Throughout this period the German fi re from the roof of the building. This while German police arrested Jamal Between a quarter past four and half more Weinberg attempted to tackle and Bavarian police neglected to de- started an exchange of fi re between Al-Gashey, Adnan Al-Gashey and Mo- four, Shmuel Lalkin heard shots, yet one of the fedayeen, while he was suc- vise a rescue operation for the hos- those who were walking and the Arabs hammed Sadafy. The total death tally when he looked out his window he saw cessful; he was shot dead as one of the tages. By 5 pm the terrorists refused at the helicopter. I found the General was seventeen. College Tribune 20 DISTRACTIONS 31.01.06 FILM The Bitter Taste of Revenge

Munich 8/10

Steven Spielberg’s latest movie is conveniently recount the hostage situ- and intelligence offi cer named Avner, do so in a credible manner that will venge mission. The man, long blinded perhaps a bit lost on us students, ation, and the use of actual television played by Eric Bana, as he leads a leave audiences affected and make by his nationalism, sees it as an es- as we’re too young to have been footage from the time helps to give an team of four Jewish men around the us think about the issues raised. sential tool to restore his country’s alive for the Munich bother of 1972 idea of the bleak situation in which the globe in an attempt to hunt down and The movie’s mix is akin to an ob- pride. around which the fi lm is based. In world could not help but be horribly kill eleven men who they have been jective Fahrenheit 9/11, in the form of Bana’s character causes concern, September of that year the Olym- engrossed. told orchestrated the Munich incident. an intelligent and engrossing movie more could have been gotten out of pics were in progress in the West Our generation has sadly received The main body of the fi lm is taken rather than a documentary. his character, but his performance German city for two weeks when a plenty of experience in the melanchol- up with this mission and the psycho- The fi lms bravery tempts one was adequate. In this case, that’s ac- group of Palestinian freedom fi ght- ic effects of terrorism, and one would logical transformation its progress to place it on an absolute pedestal, but tually a compliment, considering the ers known as Black September, imagine the Munich incident must brings about in the group is one of unfortunately it’s not quite all that it complexity of the man he is portraying took hostage and subsequently have brought about a similar feeling of the story’s most striking dimensions, might have been. The audience could and the change which comes over him killed eleven members of the Israeli global depression as met the more re- and where Spielberg seems to be in have been dragged a little deeper during the fi lm. Olympic team. cent hostage taking incidents in Iraq. his element. These assassination ad- into the futility and senselessness Daniel Craig is the one true sour For those who were alive the in- The parallels between the snapshot ventures alone provide us with what Spielberg was trying to portray. This note, he plays the group’s getaway cident remains a poignant memory, we get of the Israeli-Palestinian con- would be an exciting Bourne Iden- would have allowed him to strike his driver, but his main attribute seems partially because of the tragedy which fl ict in this movie and our current posi- tity like action movie, had the story moralistic message even deeper into to be the power to annoy. The future was involved, but also because of the tion with President Bush’s war on ter- not been marinated with a generous the audience’s minds. Despite the does not look bright for 007. continuous television footage which ror and Al Qaeda’s terrorist campaign topping of morality and philosophical extraordinarily dark content, the fi lm From the opening sequence, with allowed the world to watch this trag- etc etc go far beyond hostage taking teaching. won’t leave as many of you blubber- its Oh-So- Haunting music, this fi lm edy unfolding. Our lack of fi rst hand incidents specifi cally. As it is however, Munich will sit just ing as did Schindler’s List. Then again promises a lot, and it doesn’t disap- knowledge of the incident should not The confl icts the world faced then bellow Spielberg’s biopic of Oscar rather than trying to teach us anything, point. It’s more than an action movie, however, take away from our enjoy- and those which are present today Schindler in any estimation of his best that fi lm was only really an attempt to so don’t go with your Die Hard caps ment of what is a very good movie. are presented as one and the same. fi lms. The thematic overtones which show us just how dark our world can on, your thinking caps would be far Not least because the fi lm mainly con- Spielberg seems to use the actual dominate the fi lm’s content take noth- become. more appropriate. Whatever clothes cerns not the actual incident, but the events in the fi lm simply as a tool in ing away from the story being told, The cast as well is quite a mixed you do choose to wear though, just covert revenge mission undertaken by an effort to convey the cyclical nature but rather use the actual events to ex- bag. Geoffrey Rush gives a stel- make sure you go. the Israelis in its aftermath. Although of violence. press abstract ideas, such as violence lar performance as an Israeli offi cer, the fi lm’s opening sequence does We follow a young Israeli patriot destroying what it aims to protect, and Ephraim, who solicits Avner for the re- n Barra Ò Fianail A Mixed Bag

A Cock and Bull Story 5/10

Throughout the fi rst half of the portrays himself as an arrogant, ego- story a soldier is damaged in a tistical leading man, whose demands very critical region by nothing less drive his colleagues to distraction. He than a cannonball, and a young boy is a fi ne actor and a remarkably fun- suffers similar injuries when he at- ny man, and it is to his credit that he tempts to relieve himself through should ditch all his likeable traits and a heavy dormer window, the kind depict himself as such a…well, jerk that have a tendency to slam down- seems the best way to describe it. wards without warning. Also on hand are various prolifi c ac- It is scenes like this that leave us tors such as Rob Brydon, Gillian An- men scarred for life, no matter how derson, and Dylan Moran. Brydon is tough we thought we were walking clearly the most likeable character; he into the cinema. A Cock and Bull Story is witty, shambolic in a loveable way should be legally required to open up and friendly with all those around him. with a warning, “May cause pain to all He does a wonderful impersonation of male viewers.” Coogan, and an even better one of Al Aside from an unusual amount of Pacino, one of the funniest moments pain this fi lm doesn’t have much to in the fi lm. place it above the crowd. The story Anderson has very little screen Seeing Double: This fi lm begs the inalienable question - Is Steve Coogan really a jerk? relates a fi lm crew’s attempt to adapt time but it is Moran’s presence that is the book The Life and Opinions of missed the most; he barely appears in present, but it’s a “blink and you’ll miss ing the making of a fi lm. Sounds con- tle scene and a script that seems to Tristrum Shandy for the silver screen, the fi lm at all. This is a huge pity for him” role, another pity, because here fusing? Well, it is. The cast and crew mutate daily. In the end one wonders an attempt that is doomed to failure Moran is a comic of considerable tal- also is a man of extraordinary talent. struggle to cope with the fi lm as well whether or not any of it is based on from the very beginning. ent, except in this fi lm. Not once is he Wait, is that him? No, it’s Coogan be- as their personal lives: affairs, pros- true events, or is it all staged? Steve Coogan plays Tristrum Shan- given the chance to deliver a witty line ing a jerk again. titutes and sensationalist journalists However, the most important ques- dy, and then later on, plays himself or even embark on one of his trade- The interesting aspect of A Cock and play a large part in the proceedings. tion remains, is Steve Coogan really playing Tristrum Shandy. In the fi rst mark tirades. Bull Story is that it’s a fi lm, pretending Their fi lm is beset by problems includ- a jerk? role he has little to do. In the second he Apparently Stephen Fry is also to be a documentary that’s document- ing a disastrously underwhelming bat- n Alex Tierney College Tribune 31.01.06 MUSIC 21 ““YouYou Wouldn’tWouldn’t StealSteal a Car…”Car…”

The first installment of James Redmond’s analysis of the ins and outs of national and international copyright law where he suggests that there may be more to the situation than a nervous industry would have us believe

Last Christmas you probably drives were entered and scanned. copyright as evidence of how dy- gave her your heart, this year A company called MediaSentry namics in the music industry have she probably just settled for did this on IRMA’s behalf. Media changed. Lawerence Lessig has an Ipod. Given the prevalence Sentry is a US based company, described how copyright is used to of white necklaces around the which does not operate within the lock down creativity, in music this is place, we’re probably all in on ‘safe-harbour’ scheme for Data even more obvious. the same silent conspiracy. Protection. This means it has not The development of dance mu- A generation of disobedient, agreed to handle EU citizens’ data sic would have been stunted if downloading consumers – who’ve in accordance with the European copyright was asserted, given thrown all the logic of consumerism Data Protection regulations.” the widespread pilfering of straight out the window and settled All in all, the man has probably beats and loops as the de- down to plunder tunes from the net learnt something from the experi- fi nitive feature of the genre. instead. ences of American copyright lob- Coldcut, one of Britain’s The net has turned the reel to byist Jack Valenti. Who with all the defi nitive early dance acts reel resistance of tape copying foresight of a drunk driver told a had an album deleted as into a wholesale ransacking of Congressional panel in 1982: “I say a result of the stringent the music industry’s profi ts in the to you that the VCR is to the Ameri- application of copyright form of peer-to-peer fi le sharing. can fi lm producer and the American – so much for guaran- If the latest moves on the indus- public as the Boston strangler is to teeing innovation. try’s behalf are anything to go by, the woman home alone.” Sympathy for the in- its time to stick those mix tapes in New technology has always in- dustry and corporate the blender, microwave those CD- cited fear in the entertainment in- gluttons like Metallica Rs and erase those mp3s because dustry, Disney guffawed and stalled decreases even more the industry is out to get you with when you read what an unprecedented venom. Agit-prop heroes the likes of Steve Albi- Well, at least that’s the logic of the Dead Kennedys ni and Courtney Love Irma’s latest drive against Irish fi le upped their already have to say about the sharers. We may not be too far off besmirched reputation minuscule control minor some geezer in a hi-vis standing among industry circles bands on mainstream on the street stopping music fans by printing “home tap- labels have over their making themselves deaf with their ing is killing big busi- works and their resultant Ipods before asking: “s’cuse me ness profits. We left fi nancial crippling. Bud, d’ya ‘ave an inlay card for this side blank so you The threat posed by tha?” can help” peer-to-peer fi le shar- The introduction of the Copyright ing is very much root- and Related Rights Act in 2000 put the idea of rental tapes going as far ed in the emergence the Irish state to the forefront of as investigating methods to ensure of the knowledge legislating for copyright in the dig- they could only be used once. Back economy; immate- ital era, ensuring the rights-holders in the eighties even the British Pho- rial production based monopoly over online distribution. nographic Industry cacked itself on the manipulation The general ideological justifi - and launched the “Home Taping is of signs and symbols cation for all this crap rests on the Killing Music” campaign. rather than the manipu- premise “that unless the rights of This left them open to a ruth- lation of nature. creators and investors to a fair re- lessly relentless campaign of sat- The reproduction of turn are supported, the community ire by agit-prop heroes the Dead music fi les is essentially a as a whole would be impoverished Kennedys, who upped their already reproduction of capital, but with- by the fact that, in many cases, besmirched reputation among in- out any economic value being de- these works would not be created dustry circles by printing “home rived by the copyright holder. This or developed.” taping is killing big business profi ts. is the problem the music industry re- IRMA has recently used this leg- We left this side blank so you can has; it’s got nothing to do with crea- moved islation to prosecute over 60 “serial help” on one side of the original In tivity and income for bands. from control by the indus- uploaders” this year in two seper- God We Trust Inc. Downloaders view themselves try and framed with the ate legislative waves. What the industry is doing is as engaged in an entirely different right question: “if we have IRMA’s drive is primarily a scare forcing downloaders on to legal practice, that of continuing tradi- the technology should we tactic, designed to disrupt these networks like Connect Ireland, Eir- tions of sharing and lending, pre- not remove culture from the networks by putting word out that com, Itunes Ireland, My Coke Mu- viously associated with non-digital market and allow equal ac- serial up loaders are being target- sic, Vitaminic Music Club Ireland music formats such as vinyl, tape cess to all?” ed. Within peer-to-peer networks and Wippit Ireland: all promoted by or CD. After years of the industry rip- there is a spoken rule of “share or IRMA on its site as legal download There have been other con- ping bands and fans off, screw be banned”. This means if people entities, with a reservoir of tracks testations of copyright, the most P. Diddy and his kids desire for chicken out of the game and be- ranging from 250,000 to 1m. obvious examples of these are a gold toilet. Gangsta rapper come parasites, well, that’s the Connect requires the use of MS the non-violent daily direct actions revolutionaries the Dead mutual aid down the proverbial and Explorer 5+ as did Cokes entity, taken against bio-piracy in India; Prez have it right “pimp the concept collapses. Vitaminic was waiting for a new where rural peasants re-use seeds the system” - I’m a The Digital Rights Ireland group site to come online, while Wippet despite Monsanto to take a “stolen dot.communist, raises several concerns over the was undoubtedly the best deal at harvest” back out of the market and and you? manner in which IRMA carried out £50 for unlimited downloads over into the commons. its litigations against music sharers, a year, and the heftiest choice of Also, most people are all too fa- stressing possible contravention of tracks. miliar with the humanitarian conse- European legislation: “Firstly, there It’s obvious to cite the stellar suc- quences of imposing patents on the is the manner in which the individu- cess of groups like the Arctic Mon- distribution of AIDs drugs. The mu- als’ shared folders on their hard keys, and their own relinquishing of sic piracy debate really needs to be College Tribune 22 MUSIC 31.01.06 AURAL EXAMINATIONS

ALANIS MORISSETTE THE LUCKY NINE ARCTIC MONKEYS THE DARKNESS THE COLLECTIONS TRUE CROWN FOUNDATION WHATEVER YOU SAY I AM, ONE WAY TICKET TO HELL This compilation consists of 18 tracks hand- The Lucky Nine’s debut album, ‘True Crown THAT’S WHAT I’M NOT … AND BACK picked by Morissette herself. To put it bluntly, it’s Foundation’ is the worst album I’ve listened to in This hotly anticipated album from the Yorkshire One wonders about The Darkness and their at- only ok. It consists of material from the superb about fi ve years. That said, if you like Screamo lads fails to disappoint. Arctic Monkeys bundle tempts to resurrect the very worst aspects of ‘Jagged Little Pill’ and the subsequent albums there’s a chance it’ll be a grower. their infl uences together with such compelling ur- 70’s and 80’s Rock ‘n’ Roll pomp. While being ‘Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie’, ‘Under I had raised expectations as Lucky Nine are; gency and snotty confi dence that they sound like honest about liking Queen is a very important Rug Swept’ and ‘So –Called Chaos’. in the loosest sense of the word, a super-group; a the culmination of the New Wave scene. milestone in many an adolescent’s personal If you are a fan of Morissette’s debut and the containing the bassist from A AND the lead sing- The laconic, distorted vocals from the Strokes, growth it seems unwise to base a musical career hits from the successive albums then you might er of Hundred Reasons. With that mediocre ped- the choppy punk-funk guitars from Franz Ferdi- around rehashing their outtakes. enjoy ‘The Collections’ as it is really just a more igree, the boys managed to push out an album. nand, the frantic rhythms and dashes of ska from This album is the musical equivalent of a pain- digestible version of her material with the addi- What reason it had to be released is beyond the Libertines… fully unfunny joke, told by an even less funny in- tion of some rarities and cover versions. me, probably contractual obligations as both The fi rst two singles to come off the album: ‘I dividual, who’s convinced the reason you’re not Morissettes’ soaring vocals on her cover of sides had watched their respective bands fall Bet You Look Good…’ and ‘When The Sun Goes laughing is because you don’t get it. dead at the wayside. Seals’ ‘Crazy’ really lend some power to an oth- Down’ both reached the top spot in the UK charts, ‘It’ is a cheesy mish-mash of sitars, bagpipes, Listening to ‘TCF’ is like watching the toilet panpipes and singer Justin Hawkin’s windpipe. erwise boring song. Her interpretation of Cole a rare feat for a young rock band, especially re- back up. In your life you casually digest a lot of Much of this could easily be forgiven if the band Porters ‘Lets do it (Lets Fall in Love)’ however, membering that Crazy Frog fi asco. good music, rescind it to memory, maybe go out The album essentially whisks the listener on a had remembered to dilute their irreverent parody is dry and insipid. The cabaret/broadway style and buy the album. whirlwind tour of provincial teenage life - from rum- with the subtler touches their forebears held so vocals are out of place on what one expects to Sometimes you gorge yourself on a certain bling with the bouncers at a club, and chatting up dear: hooks and catchy melodies. be a retrospective album. genre, hungrily feeding on strains of the same a girl made beautiful by a judicious combination of Instead, we’re treated to a triumph of style over While a lot of the tracks are undoubtedly bril- music. Listening to this album you notice the beer goggles and caked-on cosmetics, to getting substance. Snow metaphors are mixed with the liant individually, the album seems disjointed on infl uences that lead to this disturbing slew of slapped around by cops in the back of a riot van. sound of someone snorting coke, and, in case straight through listen. Screamo: the guitars from Jesus Lizard, the My personal favourite is ‘A Certain Romance’ we still didn’t get ‘it’, the lyrics clarify: “…chewing The refreshing simplicity of such tracks as stinging “who gives a fuck” mentality of X, the which offers an insightful dissection of the chav my face off…talking absolute rubbish”. ‘Head over Feet’ and ‘You Oughta Know’ is lost quiet moments of Dinosaur Jr. and Meat Pup- phenomenon. Spitting bile at a culture where It all sounds like a band fl ogging a dead horse; when mixed with the over complicated and mel- pets. “there’s only music so there’s new ringtones.” a notion lent weight by the fact that, as an album ancholic speculation of her later work. I mention all these, so you can fi nd something Overall, I don’t feel that this album has any ‘parodying’ rock ‘n’ roll excess, it lasts a measly Standout tracks being ‘Crazy’, ‘Princes famil- good to listen to or download. The Lucky Nine weaknesses, it is full of gritty guitars, spectacular 35 minutes. Perhaps this is another facet of the iar’, ‘Mercy’ and ‘Uninvited’, it’s an average lis- have turned them infl uences into a bubbling mix drumming and humorous lyrics, without doubt ‘be- elaborate joke I’m not smart enough to get. Igno- ten, copy before you buy. of shit that is now fl owing onto your toilet fl oor. lieve the hype’. rance really is bliss.

6/10 FIONA HEDDERMAN 1/10 KINGSLEY KELLY 9.5/10 KEVIN MURPHY 3/10 JOHN LYNDON

BURT BACHARACH SYSTEM OF A DOWN CALLA BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE AT THIS TIME HYPNOTIZE COLLISIONS BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE When we think of Burt Bacharach, nothing but For those who don’t know, System of a Down It seems to be in vogue for irreverent music Broken Social Scene’s self-titled release is good connotations come to mind. After all, he are an L.A based metal group comprised of eth- journalists of the moment to refer to bands as a record for a train-ride. A long, cross-country and Hal David were one of the most successful nic Armenians. They combine lyrics full of politi- ‘tight’ and ‘angular’ and then fail to qualify what it train-ride, not the variety of seatless, sardine- song-writing partnerships of the twentieth cen- cal frustration and personal religion with experi- means. Calla are a tight angular band. can crucible to which our commuter-band sub- tury. mental metal and Armenian folk melodies. Their latest album, ‘Collisions’ starts well. ‘It urbanites are twice-daily subjected. There is no question of this man’s talent with They have cultivated a refreshingly unique Dawned On Me’ is pounding and energetic, with A proper train-ride. An epic voyage, during a back-catalogue including, ‘The Look of Love’ sound and over a career spanning more than which, comfortably reclined, you survey a multi- a good riff fortifi ed with an intelligent rhythm sec- and ‘Say a Little Prayer for You’. Altogether he a decade they have consistently re-invented tude of worlds and far off landscapes in perpet- tion, invoking comparisons with the Doves, the has achieved nine number ones. Yet, with this themselves. The latest incarnation manifests it- ual parallax motion, all through the sun-kissed album, Bacharach moves away from classic ro- self in ‘Hypnotize’. Dandy Warhols and even a little Interpol. oracle of your carriage window. This record is mantic pop to a dire attempt at a protest record Their verses are heavier, faster and even It is as the song unravels listeners become the aural apotheosis of one such journey, a sub- that just sounds clichéd. more erratic than ever while their choruses have aware of a certain lack of imagination. Instead lime pastoral sound piece, executed with such An impressive line-up of musical talent fea- become much more melodic. They have fi nally of expanding on simple hooks to craft something rhythmic dynamism as to make it the perfect tures: Elvis Costello, Rufus Wainwright, Prinz and conclusively crossed the boundary between more than radio friendly tracks, Calla seem to soundtrack to the passing scenery of a window- Board (Black Eyed Peas), Dr. Dre even lends a quirky and weird while retaining everything that have opted in favour of recycling these ideas in side show. OUR FACES SPLIT THE COAST IN hand. Despite this, the end product is a bland, made them a great band in the fi rst place. less than creative ways for the duration of their HALF is the slow, dreamy start to the record, mundane record. Although their songs are message laden they album. melodies bathed in layers of sweet sound, given Instead of the classic heartfelt melodies that are a metal band and this album is fresh blood Everything about ‘Collisions’ suggests lazi- relentless forward impetus by a driving, full- Bacharach is known for, there is no passion in to a scene which, let’s face it, has been fl agging ness; from singer Aurelio Valle’s ‘cool but just steam-ahead tempo. Next, IBI DREAMS OF these songs. Overpolished in its production, the a bit of late. ‘Kill Rock ‘n Roll’, ‘Hypnotize’, ‘Holy out of bed’ voice to the two guitar effects; gravel PAVEMENT adopts a more laid-back rhythm, album is distinctly pedestrian. Mountains’ and ‘Lonely Day’ are highlghts and bright, happy tones emerging from the previous distortion for rhythm/treble reverb for lead. Even At worst, light jazz suited only for elevator mu- will appeal to any metal fan with a bit of soul track, as if rushing from a railway tunnel into the the structure of the songs is lazy, intro, verse, sic, at best a cheesy show band trying to imitate and mind. full majestic warmth of the summer sun. Bob Dylan. Like Radiohead’s ‘OK Computer’, people will chorus, repeat, B-Section, repeat till close (inci- FIRE EYE’D BOY is the bracing highlight, a Bacharach should stick to what he’s good at. look back on this album in a few years and pro- dentally, this is my take on what ‘angular’ is). breathless, celebratory track on which all of Bro- This album sounds like a retired wealthy, old claim it as a masterpiece. And in another paral- This album isn’t un-listenable; some tracks are ken Social Scene’s impressive ensemble is put man detached from the troubles of the world, but lel to the aforementioned they’ve created their even quite good, for example the opener, ‘This to use. With this, their third album, they ascend trying desperately to preach without experience own genre: bleak, bastardised and beautiful. Ap- Better Go As Planned’ and ‘Overshadowed’. You to a new plateau of imagistic profi ciency. or sincerity. proach with an open mind. just can’t help feeling a little dissatisfi ed with it. All aboard!

2/10 GILL KENNEDY 10/10 PETER MCKENNA 4/10 RONAN DEMPSEY 7/10 FIONN DEMPSEY College Tribune 31.01.06 MUSIC 23 GIGWATCH At The Party Listings from 31st January Stephen Caffrey ventures to Pontin’s to see All Tomorrows Parties a musical On Campus festival with a refreshing difference and a doesn’t see a red coat in sight n Battle of the Bands 2006. SU Bar. Mon: 23rd/30th Jan, 13th/20th Feb, 21st Mar. Never before has a music festival of an otherworldly experience. 7:30pm, Admission Free. See Posters. Qualifi ed so far: Bravest Kid in School. been so aptly named, All Tomor- Omar Rodriguez answered his rows Parties, is exactly what it critics as the most revolutionary gui- sets out to be. With a line up that tarist of our time, as every song was Tue 31st Jan, Wed 1st, Thu 2nd Feb makes the Glastonbury line up worked and reworked, jammed in n Ents Fest. 2006. SU Bar. look like O2 in the Park, it’s quite and back out of tangents with ease. Admission €3 per night. 7:30pm. simply unrivalled the world over This band is the Led Zeppelin of our UCD Ents presents a showcase of the country’s as the music festival with integrity generation, no doubt about it. fi nest emerging talent over three nights in the to spare. Sunday started, thankfully, not student bar including the Immediate, Director, Three days of the most open-mind- as it went on, with Hella. Usually a Porn Trauma, the Urges, Stars of the City, 66e, ed, progressive acts of all genres and Californian Avant Garde two piece Vesta Varro, Chris Morrin and the Mucky Kids, sub-genres of music, hand picked by but now with two new members, the Aaron Smyth and the Born Days, the Maladies, a single band or celebrity curator and band with the most intense drummer Suddyn, the Flaws. held in Pontin’s (England’s equiva- in the world were loud, off the wall lent of Mosney) Holiday centre a few quirky and had riffs that grinded and n Open Mic Nights. miles from the sleepy coastal village crunched with every wave of my par- Every Wednesday in the Forum Bar around of Rye, two hours south of London. ticularly unsettled stomach. 8pm. Admission Free. Previous curators include godfa- Amazing to see live but not that thers of alternative music, such as hung-over, that early in the day. Tuesday 14th February Slint, Sonic Youth, Pavement, and Michael Rother, former member n Valentine’s Gig. SU Bar. The Marshalls. Mogwai, and aesthetic visionaries of Die Neue and Kraftwerk, washed of our time, namely Vincent Gallo, ATP: Revellers enjoying themselves and a jacks with no doors over us with wave after wave of ele- Jake and Dinos Chapman and Matt gant ambient industrial drone in what Off Campus Groening. white bleeeeeeeep noise wasn’t an Saturday started off as bleak as was simply an elating performance. This year, virtuoso prog musicians alarm but actually the noise in my a gin hangover as Lydia Lunch ti- Coco Rosie’s bittersweet har- Tuesday 2nd February The Mars Volta took the reigns and head that followed The Locust, we raded against, men, Christianity and monies and chiming folk electronic n Meteor Music Awards. Point Theatre. conjured up a line up considered the went to see Dalek. George Bush, it was like letting an crossover was a little overwhelming, Ticketmaster. best A.T.P. has seen since its incep- Imagine a My Bloody Valentine exceptionally literate and well articu- the good kind of overwhelming. Their n The All American Rejects. TBMC. tion. guitar noise sampled, and brutally lated wino rant at you with music in use of “Care Bear” episodes as visu- €21.65. Ticketmaster. The most brutal baptism of fi re honest, clever and politically charged the background. als was the sentimental equivalent of Friday 3rd February awaited us on Friday night in the in- hip-hop and that’s Dalek. A mesmer- Emasculating and interesting in baby photos and left a collective nos- n 515 Presents…Billy Nasty (Global Un- timidating shape of, The Locust. Four ising band to see live. equal measures. High On Fire and talgic smile on the entire audience. derground).The Pod and Bar. €15. painfully skinny young men dressed, Saul Williams was down on the bill Mastodon back to back was like Mo- The closing act of the weekend, n 20:00.Jim Noir. Crawdaddy. €12-15 well, as locusts, pummelled and pun- to do a spoken word set, but instead, torhead, Thin Lizzy, Black Sabbath and who more fi tting of such a role Saturday 4th February ished their instruments like four pos- played his new album with ramblings and The Melvins jamming for two than the aural equivalent of a mira- n Juliette Lewis and the Licks support sessed dominatrix producing sounds of spoken word bits in between. hours, pure metal mayhem but well cle, Antony and Johnson’s. From the Darkness. Point Theatre €39.50. that actually made my nostrils visibly ‘Sheer conviction’ are the only two worth the inner ear pain that came the second his mouth opened; souls Ticketmaster. vibrate. words coming to mind on witnessing afterwards. transmigrated and fl oated in harmo- n 19:30. Natty Wailer and the Reggae No songs lasting longer than at Saul Williams live, he does to Fifty The Mars Volta took the stage ny around the ceiling of the venue, an Blues Vibe. TBMC. €15 most two minutes, and at the speed Cent etc… what listening to Aphex to a roar, equal to a Robbie Keane ethereal experience to see live and a n 20:00. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. The of those break neck time changes, Twin would do to your “appreciation” winning goal in extra time. The three suitably epic closer to an equally epic Village. €14. its no wonder why. After realising the of an Irish Club Anthems Mix. hours that followed was nothing short weekend. Sunday/Monday 5th/6th February n Belle and Sebastian. The Ambassador. “I Interviewed JR” Sold Out. n 20:00. The Frames. Vicar Street. €30 Tuesday 7th February Ronan Dempsey meets Andreas from Norwegian punk musicians JR Ewing at ATP and talks to him about Dallas, n 19:00. Coheed and Cambria. TBMC. €22.65. Ticketmaster. downloading and the Scandinavian music scene Wednesday 8th February n 18:00. Cryptopsi. TBMC. €25. What do JR Ewing and JR Ewing and we wanted to start a band like n 20:00. Two Gallants. CrawDaddy. €14- have in common? A name. One is ‘fuck you’ to those people and to be 16. a character from a silly eighties open minded and to enjoy music for Thursday 9th February US soap and one is a Norwegian what it is.” n punk outfi t, slowly infi ltrating With this kind of attitude, it was 19:00. Nine Black Alps + The Flaws. credible music scenes every- probably inevitable that they weren’t TBMC. €19.50 Ticketmaster. n where with a searing sound and going to over-exert themselves on An aural superstructure, thrashing thing…” 20:00. Regina Spektor. Whelans. Guest incendiary performances. deciding on a moniker. drums and pounding bass, is punc- As part of an underground band, Fionn Regan. €15. Ticketmaster. Friday 10th February Andreas Tylden, the refreshingly “I watched Dallas when I was a tuated by chords and riffs spat by a who stand to gain from the word-of- n unassuming singer explains in halt- kid and I think it’s really kind of cool. dual guitar section, hammers meet- mouth culture generated by down- 19:30. Director. Whelan’s €10. Saturday 11th February ing but concise English an unusual We’re embarrassed about the name ing anvils in the dark. loading communities, Andreas is n origin for a band so highly consid- but it’s kind of late! A lot of people However, it is watching them play amusingly trivial about his position 20:00. The Young Knives. Eamonn ered in underground music circles. don’t know who JR Ewing is now...” you realise that live is where JRE at the interview’s close. Dorans. €12 n “The band wasn’t supposed to JR Ewing have recorded three al- are at. “It’s a diffi cult subject. I myself 20:00. Broken Social Scene. TBMC. be serious at all. Me and the guitar- bums since they formed in ‘98, the Their frenzied, assured and in- download songs, not albums. We €15. n ist thought about starting this punk latest of which, ‘Maelstrom’, was stinctive performance suggests the wouldn’t make any money other- 20:00. Orson. Sugar Club. E15 n band, just for fun. We’d just play a released November ‘05. They have stage environment affords them a wise. Just as long as people have 23:00. The Advent. TBMC. E16. couple of shows and have fun and toured Europe and the US count- freedom unrealised in the studio, respect [for] what we do, go to the Sunday 12th February then it turned out to be really seri- less times, on their own and with drawing comparisons with many shows or buy t-shirts. I don’t really n 23:00. Dancehall Styles Upfront Reggae ous. the likes of The Locust and the Mars cult outfi ts of a similar ilk, not least know what I think, I don’t care!” Beats. TBMC. E4. “At that time there was a lot of Volta. At the Drive In. Having postponed their Irish de- Tuesday 14th February straight edge punk bands and, noth- Listening to the recordings it is “It’s great doing and releasing al- but, set for the 2nd in the Voodoo n 20.00. Jason Mraz. Whelans E18.15 ing against straight edge but they hard to imagine how they might cap- bums but it can’t compare to play- Lounge; we have been assured they Ticketmaster. had all these rules and a little clique ture such a sonic barrage onstage. ing live. It’s a completely different will play this year, don’t miss them. College Tribune

24 REGULARS 31.01.06

D L

this week R Communication O W It may amaze you when you look and bebo is now the second thing I in person. If were not texting we’re on take away down to at the handsome smiling face that check every time I’m online after my MSN messenger. If you want to know so much from S it, meet- gazes out of you from page 24 of emails. A world of white box and pho- what’s going on in your friends’ lives communication R U ’ ing someone this esteemed publication, but it’s to, poll and quiz it has captured the im- you don’t call them, you check their itself. There are peo- D for a pint is a far true. Your columnist is getting on in agination, particularly here in the land latest bebo blog. ple who can only open up when better way of keeping up to his years. of the laptop, Belfi eld. Phone calls are usually reserved for behind a computer screen talking on date with your friends than a text or a Over the Christmas in a festival of The concept is simple and whoever offi cial business and are restricted to MSN or when they’re texting. glance at a personal web page. celebration and revelry another an- came up with the idea must have made parents’ landlines because of the cost The art of conversation suffers. An- That’s not the way people in our age niversary of my birth took place and other thing that suffers is the art of cor- group work though. When you hear if you weren’t there it’s probably be- It’s amazing that something known as respondence. in the news of people cyber bullying cause I don’t know who you are. the Communications industry can take As we look back through history, each other you really do despair. Anyway, as one slips gracefully to- there are countless examples of great How in the name of whatever you wards one’s mid twenties, it becomes away so much from communication itself letter writing and diary taking. These hold dear, is there any joy to be gained apparent that thing are changing. things are becoming defunct. from the bullying of someone over the One of these changes has been the themselves a lot of money. Everyone and the general impoverished nature Imagine for one second, that we Internet? It doesn’t make sense. arrival into my email inbox on a regu- is using it and if you’re not, you’re of student life. looked back on WB Yeat’s great email More and more people are relying lar basis of invites to something called probably a bit of a social pariah. It’s too easy to cancel. When was forwards or Anne Frank’s bebo page. on interfaces to hide behind when they bebo speaking of a world of photos Technology makes life easier, of that the last time you called someone to It will be history’s loss that the satu- conduct their personal lives and it’s to and keeping in touch with friends. Not there is no doubt. However, it might tell them you weren’t going to make it? ration of modern media means that the detriment of manners, personality being a technophobe I am aware of help us keep in touch but it also keeps Texting them means you don’t need to information is just used and abuse, and friendship. the creation of the interweb and the a buffer between people that didn’t ex- explain and you have the tools to edit easily found but equally easily lost in People are unable to conduct de- fact that it has boundless possibilities ist in the days of old fashioned human your message so that you can pre- the vacuum that is multimedia. cent conversations without a key- but for reasons that are quite possibly contact when phone conversations empt any replies hoping to convince On a personal level things like bebo board or keypad. Society is losing its to do with laziness, bebo didn’t really were the closest we came to the dig- you otherwise. allow a much easier way of keeping in conversational ability and the rise of appeal. ital world. It’s amazing that something known touch with people but it’s a tokenistic bebo and its ilk doesn’t seem to be Fast-forward a couple of months Nowadays it’s rare to talk to people as the Communications industry can way of doing things and when it comes abating in any way.

BY EILEEN THINGS I HATES ABOUT... O’MALLEY 10 PUBLIC TRANSPORT

SEAT empty. Ah yes, the crazy eccentric is an age 10 GERMS old facet of Dublin’s transport system, adding a HOARDERS 7 bit of character and charm to one’s tedious bus 2 THE 46A journeys. These special people of our city who Shopping bags are not people, they do not Think about it too much and soon it will be like to haunt us all, with or without eye contact, need require their own seat. As for the individu- impossible leave the house without a pair of usually target scared tourists or young ladies, The 46A is the darling of Dublin Bus, where als who sit bang-arse in the middle of a double gloves for protection. Call it inane all you like who like a rabbit caught in headlights, have no the beautiful people hop on for a quick spin. seat, shove over or pay up. but if you’re honest with yourself, touching the choice but to nod politely. Its new-fangled and mockingly regular buses metal poles for passengers is about as sanitary laugh in the face of us jealous nobodies who TAXI as licking the toilet fl oor in the Arts block. It’s vi- ride lesser routes which never come on time or 9 tal that you wash your hands after disembarking IGNORANT have been splashed with a dash of piss (see DRIVERS such modes of transport if you are to be saved! 4 PASSENGERS number 1). You won’t catch any crazy weirdo’s on the 46A either let me tell you. Do you think we care that Bertie is a bleedin’ criminal and the government is a disgrace. Ring 6 NIGHTLINK Loud mobile-phone conversations that over- up Adrian Kennedy if you need to vent but leave power the insane level of crap music blaring BUSSES THAT your passengers in peace. from a fellow passenger’s headphones that I 1 No it is not like a really big taxi ride with all your swear I so want to hear. Bloody exhibitionists. SMELL LIKE PISS mates. It’s reserved for those of us too poor or 8 GROPERS too drunk to get a taxi. Come back Mr. Taxi driv- Dear Mr. Dublin-bus, would it be too much er, all is forgiven. RUDE BUS trouble to hose down your vehicles at the end 3 DRIVERS of every shift? And Dear Mr. Dublin-Bus pas- You know who they are. They thrive for packed CRAZY sengers would it be too much trouble to refrain buses and trains, when they can “mistakenly” 5 from peeing on the seats? This permanent rub against you. These offenders create a cul- ECCENTRICS What happened to ‘service with a smile’? Is it stench that haunts certain buses (Not naming ture of paranoia that makes you think everyone’s our fault you’re a bitter old man who hates his names but the 77A, you know who you are) touching your ass. The technical term for this is You should have realized before you sat down life? Didn’t think so, now smile and promote that suggests that certain buses are periodically called frottage and it’s neither smart nor clever. that there was a reason for that seat to be infamous Dublin Bus customer service. cleaned with urine. Damn that 46A. College Tribune 31.01.06 REGULARS 25

BECAUSE A PROBLEM SHARED IS A PROBLEM DOUBLED

Dear Tribune derneath my skirt? I just love the freedom that it gives. Does this make me a slut? I have been watching the recent Palestini- It gives me a little thrill when I walk out on an elections with both joy and trepidation. Joy a windy day in full knowledge that my geni- that the Palestinian masses have expressed talia could be exposed at any time. Is this her and can only manage their desires democratically and are throwing strange? an erection when think- off the yokes of imperialism and occupation ing of her, all in one go. Yet trepidation with the victory of Katie I reckon she’s a bit Hamas and the potential turmoil that it could gamey and could be up bring to the region. I’m not really sure how to Dear Katie, for it. What do you deal with this hotch potch of emotions. think I should There is absolutely nothing wrong with going do? I dread the James commando. Anybody who tells you otherwise thought of going is either sexually repressed or desexualised. lute authority in my fi eld of speciality. without sex for the rest of my life. Dear James By the way we noticed you forgot to include I have been happily married for forty years. where you live on your letter. However, fi ve years ago I became impotent. Regards Mr Professor No I’m afraid we don’t. Evidently you haven’t My wife has been very understanding and read this page before. claims that she doesn’t mind but I can tell Dear Mr. Professor Dear Tribune she does. You must be faithful to your wife. Don’t ruin Recently I was giving a tutorial in my offi ce 40 years of marriage for a fl ing. Suggest a I am a renowned and revered Professor and suddenly I felt a rumble in my loins when threesome to her, if she loves you she’ll say Dear Tribune, here in the college. I have been published one of my students bent over to pick up her yes. If she’s says no it means your marriage extensively and not to blow my own trumpet pen. was based on a sham and you’ve got the Does it matter if I don’t wear anything un- but it is widely accepted that I am an abso- I have become somewhat infatuated with green light on the student front.

WARNING: LUNGING CAN BE DANGEROUS THE TRIBUNE GUIDE TO THE

LUNGE # 5: THE We hope you that you availed of all our tasty tips GENTLEMAN’S LUNGE and had a lungeful Christmas. We hope that you used mistletoe to good effect. In essence, we hope that Yes, that’s right the Gentleman’s lunge involves the sim- you scored lots of hotties and had a good break. ple handshake. Civilised, respectful and seemingly innocent Regular readers will know that here at Tribune Tow- you can change all that into an aggressive bid for scorage by ers, we believe in love. We may be crass, we may be following the College Tribune’s carefully thought out guide. tasteless but when it comes down to it, we’re just a couple First extend the hand, grip your target’s and make to of sweethearts. shake it as you would anyone but just when they least ex- It’s hard to be a sweetheart in January. Everyone’s de- pect it pull them towards you in a not quite violent way, fl ick pressed. No one wants to go out and for faithful followers of the neck to the right and see what happens. the Lunge, the girls who before Yuletide were swooning at every The problem with this lunge is that you need balls of brass fl ick of the neck, now run and hide at the mere mention of a quick to pull it off. A moment’s hesitation and your gone. There kiss and cuddle on the dance fl oor, is no room for the faint of heart in this, the high end of the As a result, we have come up with an innovative lunge to suit the game, times we live in. A lunge as subtle as it is bold, A lunge that turns a tactile We’ve gone ahead and assumed that you’ve been prac- moment of friendship into a passionate embrace. tising. We’ve just stepped it up a notch and the question is Yes folks, it’s time for the gentleman’s lunge. You can use it on the street, can you handle the pace? you can use it on a night out and in extreme cases of confi dence and bra- Live the dream, live the lunge but be don’t let the lunge vado you can do it during the peace-be-with-you moment in mass. live you. THE VOLUME XIX ISSUE VI

N LY URBINE O L T L I

It’s Satire, Stupid! T

S 31p INSIDE IRAN CALLS SHOTGUN BIKE THIEF MAKES KATIE MELUA ON ISRAEL Iran and Israel are today on the brink of believe SONG DEFUNCT war after fresh claims from the Iranian government that they shotgunned the LIB DEMS land of Israel. In bizarre and dramatic events, Iranian CONSIDER NAME President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at- tended the UN’s General Assembly and CHANGE TO LGBT waited for someone to say the word Isra- el. When it was mentioned Ahmadinejad cried ‘Shotgun’ and the land, was, accord- GEORGE BUSH ing to the ancient rules of shotgun, his. that we forgot The Israeli government have reacted to tell the Israelis to shotgun it, it bagsied the land we could talk about the HEARS CHOMSKY angrily to the claim and state that they was defi nitely on our to do list,” continued existence of the Israeli state, have a mandate from God dating back When asked about Iran’s shotgun one unfortunately shotgun rules. We never LECTURE - to the old testament. However it appears stereotypical Palestinian produced a hand like to lose a State from the UN but there’s that a mandate from God is still not good gun and began fi ring indiscriminately into just no overriding shotgun.” APOLOGISES. enough to beat shotgun as it is recog- the air while muttering something about a The quick witted Iranians have produced WORLD IS SAFE nised by the international community and Jew and a well. a state of anarchy in international affairs cannot be beaten, not even by ‘nigs you Israel claims that it will bring the case to with power hungry leaders the world over not shotgunning it’. the UN but few commentators give them currently shotgunning disputed land. IRAN HEARS One senior source in the American ad- any chance of victory. UN secretary Gen- Brian Ormonde refused to comment at ministration, told the Turbine “we just can’t eral Kofi Annan stated “ If Iran had merely the time of going to print. CHOMSKY LECTURE - DECLARES WAR. WORLD IS FUCKED “BRING YOUR BARGE LAWLOR AND TO WORK” – BERTIE TIGER WOODS Taoiseach Bertie Ahern today launched DISCUSS DRIVERS the ‘Abbotstown Renewal Plan’ in a bid to resurrect the failed Bertiebowl project. The plan involves rerouting water leaking from the National Aquatic Centre into a ca- HARNEY STRIPPED nal which would then transport beleaguered Dublin commuters into the city centre. The AT AIRPORT: 10LBS swimming pool complex began to leak earlier this year and was widely reported as a disas- OF CRACK FOUND ter for the government. Ahern takes a different view; “This presents a massive opportunity to revamp the city’s transport network and get people into work in a hassle free way.” SPORT Launching the plan, entitled ‘Bring your Barge to work’, the Northside icon presented a series of glossy images, a short fi lm and a STAN STAUNTON model of the planned canal. “It has always been a plan to use the pool FOR IRISH JOB water for transport purposes” said the Taoi- seach, “it will be part of my legacy.” A Barge with two punters on it and they may or may not be going to work Ahern, a Socialist, is hoping that the new plan will overshadow white elephants, the M50 really”, said Blanchardstown man, Peter The new idea will see a remarkable up- MOVIE TO BE National Stadium, Dublin Port Tunnel and Murray. surge in barge sales and Stuart McGuigan MADE ON SVEN’S the Luas which despite delivering much were Ideas for naming the new canal have been of ‘Barge Ireland’ has warmly welcomed the either uncompleted or uninspiring. varied. One commuter suggested it should decision. “It will boost our sales threefold, LIFE - SNOOP DOGG Commuters groups, however, have warned be called the ‘Linden Village Waterway’ in barges are a great and a comfortable way that it may not make any difference at all to honour of the hundreds of cider drinkers that to travel.” McGuigan revealed that plans are TO PLAY LEAD their daily live as getting to town on a barge descend on the Royal and Grand canals afoot for yellow barges for schoolchildren may take up to three hours. “It’s a bit like the every day. and blue and white police barges. College Tribune 31.01.06 SPORT 27 Haven’t a leg to Stan on The appointment of Steve Staunton as manager of the Irish international soccer team is the latest shambles in a long line of fi ascos for the FAI and it is time for John Delaney and the FAI to part company, argues Colin Gleeson

Whispers run through the Irish tition, bearing in mind the teams that crowd at Lansdowne Road. An progressed on our side of the draw. air of disbelief lingers around the Leaders are supposed to be strong stands. They’re here. The fans blink men. Men capable of making the deci- and squint and rub their eyes as the DOWN THE LINE sions that nobody else wants to make. maestros of world football march Another example of a man who is onto the fi eld. It’s not just any other quite clearly out of his depth is Sven game. It’s Brazil. Goran Eriksson. Thirty-three minutes gone. The ball Eriksson is in control of one of the breaks for Liam Brady. He’s twenty strongest teams in the world at this yards from goal with the defence of moment in time. England will enter the world’s greatest team in his path. next year’s World Cup Finals as one The crowd rise to their feet. This suf- of the favourites. The only man who focating ambience of hope, belief and can stop them making a massive im- absolute reverie just hangs in the air. pact on the competition is the Swede. Brady feigns to cross and sud- Eriksson has demonstrated over denly cuts inside. The entire Brazilian the past year that he is incapable of defence is left for dead. The refl ex, making the tough decisions that being the speed, that callous killer instinct. a leader entails. His refusal to drop It took over for that split second and Delaney (inset) and Staunton: Just the two of us we can make it if we try David Beckham and Michael Owen Brady was in. He unleashes a mighty when the pair have lost form is testi- shot low at the near post of Carlos and of football that was different to the fl air come by the emotion of what these fi nd the answers. To pick the lock. Ar- mony to this fact. Ireland are on the brink. It’s one-nil. and fi nesse of most other European men have done for their country. guably the greatest holding midfi elder His greatest travesty has come in Liam Brady. Unquestionably one of countries. Sadly he took this risk ig- The Englishman will always be re- of all time. Roy Keane. more recent times as he has changed the greatest Irish internationals of all norant to the fact that he had players called with a certain fondness amidst Keane was a man who played for the formation of his team in order to time. A pacey, skilful, strong midfi elder at his disposal who were capable of the Irish. He will be remembered as Ireland under Jack Charlton while accommodate Beckham’s role as who had the capacity to play at the playing football the way it is supposed one of the greatest Irish managers of Mick McCarthy captained the side. His captain with the emergence of Shaun heart of undoubtedly the most talent- to be played. all time. The man who led Ireland to frustrations at what he perceived to be Wright-Phillips on the right wing. ed Irish team in the history of interna- Charlton’s direct style of football it’s fi rst ever World Cup. A man who incompetence in the FAI boiled over Beckham is not a holding midfi elder. tional competition. Alas his manager led to the isolation of the Irish midfi eld hauled the nation to the dizzy heights on occasion as neither McCarthy nor And he never will be. would prove the foil. and subsequently players like Brady of world soccer. The harsh reality re- Charlton chose to raise the issues. If Eriksson thinks that Wright-Phil- The Irish squad that Jack Charlton were left out in the cold. His system mains. Charlton’s failures to maximise This led to tensions between McCa- lips is a better player on the right wing, took the reins of in 1986 would ma- had a place only for the towering brut- the ability of his team by playing the rthy and Keane that would ultimately then he should stand his ground and ture into a team that had all the po- ish centre forward such as Niall Quinn football that his players were built for, come to a head in Saipan in 2002. make the decision. Such an absence tential and opportunity to cut it amidst or Tony Cascarino, as opposed to the are behind the collapse of this coun- McCarthy’s envy and abhorrence to of authority could well cost England the cream of world soccer. Players player who wanted to put the ball on try’s progression above and beyond Keane drove him to provoke his cap- the World Cup. like Liam Brady, Frank Stapleton and the ground and play. the bounds of expectation. tain in a way that was thoroughly un- The leader of a country has an obli- Kevin Sheedy were men who pos- It is with a heavy heart that the The post-Charlton era has seen professional and inhumane when he gation to do what is necessary in order sessed that embryonic will to win. romance of what Charlton achieved new faces, but with them they have questioned the principles of his skip- to further the prospects of that coun- That little bit extra that makes a great should be criticised. A sea of green brought new problems. Namely Mick per in front of the entire squad. try. Whether the problem be sheer player. Such a shame that this poten- bellowing ‘You’ll never walk alone’ at McCarthy. The hopes and dreams of Keane’s subsequent actions left him incompetence or a total lack of profes- tial would go unfulfi lled. Anfi eld. Those moments that make the Irish team under his stewardship as the scapegoat for Ireland’s World sionalism, it is fundamental that these Jack Charlton failed to see the everybody that little bit prouder to be were borne on the shoulders of one Cup. Had McCarthy sought to look issues be dealt with and subsequently Promised Land to which these players Irish. That despite defeat people will man. Ireland’s Commander in Chief. past his differences with Keane, this eradicated if this country, or any other could steer the country. Charlton to his still stand and muster the words of The man who interprets the equations country could potentially have been for that matter, is to compete with the credit took a risk. He endorsed a style great songs from our history. Over- of the game and is there without fail to left with silver medals from the compe- best at the apex of world soccer. superleague captain the diary of a...... by Gordon Tobin Sunday 1pm outside the sports centre. I am waiting earnestly for the arrival of sound of a rousing half time speech echoing in our ears about various methods of leg my team who are all 15 minutes late and counting. The outlook for the day isn’t too breaking, we took to the field. good considering we are playing the best team in the league. Football United, the only Unfortunately I was sent off at the start of the second half for a candidly bizarre team that I know of to go unbeaten for an entire season in the Superleague. tackle on their central midfielder. We were then awarded another penalty to go 2-1 Soon after most of the team arrived, I realised that our kick off time was not for ahead but soon after they equalised after a great piece of build up that led to a another hour or so much to the chagrin of my team mates, many of whom were recover- goal 2-2. ing from a night and days drinking and debauchery. As we were not to kick-off for I remember Andy Gray commenting on Steven Gerrard after he scored against another couple of hours we decided to go to the shops for some much needed lucozade Panathanaikos to save Liverpool in the Champions league. He said “special players do sport and sandwiches. special things at special times.” This phrase rang home with all of our players in the As the game began, yours truly was not even on the pitch. Our referee did away with second half, but especially with one of our forwards who scored two of our goals, one the formalities however, as we were already extremely late kicking off (the one who of which was the best I have ever seen scored in the league. will die if he leaves the centre circle). The game itself began at an unusually mediocre We ended up winning 5-2, the first team to beat them in the league for two seasons. pace. It was one of our greatest victories over the last few seasons. We have at least made We managed to score through a stonewall penalty though about midway through for an interesting sprint to the finish between them and D.C.U dyslexics who we still and I began to feel like we could take these guys. They didn’t seem all that invincible have to play. despite having many highly gifted players. Unfortunately my fears of conceding be- We will do our level best to do Football United a favour against them. I would also fore halftime were realised and they scored an equaliser in the closing stages. like to say best of look to Football United who are a quality side and a sound bunch We knew they were going to hit the ground running in the second half so with the of lads. College Tribune 28 SPORT 31.01.06 Turbulent transfer times for College

Ben Blake gives an insight into UCD AFC’s activity in the transfer market as preparation for next season begins in earnest

With the close season well and truly forward.” upon us and last season but a dis- The close season has not been a tant memory, the eircom League total disaster for College as they made bosses around the country are a couple of signifi cant signings. After striving to hold onto their top as- just under two years since he depart- sets, while they scour the land for ed the club, the college has renewed new and available talent. acquaintances with Alan Cawley. The Transfer ambitions do not always go talented midfi elder departed amidst to plan however, and while Pat Scully’s much controversy when UCD objected Rovers have been busy in the market to letting him go due to the fact that he as they plan an immediate assault on had been on the books at Belfi eld for Changes in personnel: Mick O’Donnell departs, Alan Cawley (inset) returns to Pete Mahon’s (right) squad the First Division, Dublin City continue two years and at the time was under to recruit feverishly in an attempt to twenty-three. If he can return to the form he was on break because he’s half-way through Athletic. On their way to Dundalk are establish themselves in the country’s College claimed that a compensa- last time round, he will be a great as- the season.” Neil Gallagher and Aiden Lynch, on- top league. UCD have however, been tion package was due. The FAI agreed set.” loan and permanent deal respectively. surprising inactive. and the Sligo-native was informed of Another interesting acquisition is There was certainly no Brian Gannon has decided to further UCD manager Pete Mahon spoke to his ineligibility to make his debut in the the return of Darragh Ryan. Leav- his career with a move to Monaghan the College Tribune about his recent fi rst game of the season. Although win- ing the club for Australia in 2003, falling out. There was no United, while French striker Damian frustrations in the transfer market. He ning a league medal with Shellsbourne Ryan has since played in the North- sinister motive. It was Dupuy and Liam Teirnan have also puts the lack of new arrivals down to in 2004 and featuring prominently in ern Conference in England. The son just a general feeling parted company. the fi nancial strength of other clubs. their European campaign, he failed to of ex-Irish international, Brighton and from both sides that the The most startling development “It’s proving diffi cult,” he explains. “I’ve hold down a place on the team-sheet Derby County star Gerry; the left-full time had come. We’ve lost however, is the end of Mick O’Donnell’s been working tirelessly. You would at the Tolka Park outfi t. has signed a one-year contract and a good player, there is no 10-year alliance with the club. A dip in only have to look at my phone bill; I But all differences aside, and via an will soon be back on campus to pro- question about that form during the last two seasons has shudder to think what it will be.” unsuccessful stint at Longford Town, vide competition for places. Mahon prompted his release and subsequent “There have been a lot of players the 24-year old is back, and much to was pleased to have acquired a player signing for newly promoted Dublin that we’ve made contact with, but the delight of Pete Mahon. “Alan has who has been playing regular football With some exciting new additions to City. Mahon is adamant that it was the have chosen for one reason or anoth- been through a diffi cult patch, but he in England. the squad arriving, the close season best resolution for both parties. er not to come to UCD. Unfortunately has been training with us and looks to “Darragh will be back training in has also seen a number of old faces “I had a chat with Mick, and he felt money dictates now, and they are able have his confi dence and his old buzz about a week’s time. He has been depart since November. Anthony Mur- himself that a change might do him to get more elsewhere. So I say good back. He’s well-liked by the other lads, playing week-in week-out over there phy has made the short trip across to good so we shook hands and off he luck to them, we will continue to move and has livened up the dressing-room. (England), so we want to give him a Inchicore and signed for St. Patrick’s went. There was certainly no falling UCD Marian rebuilding after

In the midst of a season that has been rocked by the release of coach Mark Keenan, Colin Gleeson spoke to UCD Basketball Development Offi cer Pat Glover about the club’s future

UCD Marian have been rocked can move forward and attempt to There is also a specialised coach- their way of thinking. It’s called a by the departure of Irish interna- take a positive spin on the recent ing system that has been introduced player pathway model. Before this tional Lorcan Precious and key developments. A sophisticated pro- in order to ensure that coaches on year, coaches usually went inde- centre Damion Moberly over the gramme is already in place to en- every level of the club are running pendently and you’d go off you own past month. This has come in the sure that the boys in blue are back to the same training programmes personal experiences as a play- midst of a season that has seen on the rails as soon as possible. so that players evolve at the same er. But now, we’re getting all the the team perform well below par The scheme is centred mainly on pace and are all aware of the plays coaches together and telling them, and allow their usual standards youth according to the Develop- in every team. this is what they need to learn.” in the Superleague to slip some- ment Offi cer. “A key area of all this is the coach- The most signifi cant problem with what. The release of coach Mark “We have a programme called ing development. We run coaching this rebuilding scheme is that it is Keenan has compounded the The Nursery. We have seven to forums where we form training plans based around players who will not situation and seen the season ten year olds in it. This programme and all the coaches are following be old enough to play for the guts of plunged into turmoil. is huge with these kids coming in. the same schedules and rules so a decade. “But these kids who are But all is not lost, according to They start off at seven, eight and as a player moves from coach A to seven eight and nine years old, it’s UCD Marian Development Offi cer nine, and we’re teaching them the coach B, he can build on that when going to take ten years before those Pat Glover. “At the moment, we’re fundamental basics. What we’re he goes to the next stage. We’re all kids are coming through properly. going through a bad spell, I think trying to do is get them training to following the same format. “But we’re working with the kids we’re coming out the better side of a certain level so that when we get “This works well because we can we have at the moment, so there it. But after all that’s happened we them an eleven and twelve, they’ll then move say a player from the should be some benefi ts in about need the older people there to grab be far more advanced than any of second team up to the fi rst team three or four years. So at the mo- hold of the ship. We’re not going to the kids anybody else has. As far as when there’s an injury or something ment, the Superleague team is not sink, we’re going to get through this I know, we’re the only ones doing and he can just slot in straight away doing particularly well. So I’m hop- and get ready for next year.” that at the moment. This is the fi rst to that team because he knows the ing that in four or fi ve years time, UCD Marian: Looking to move forward Glover is adamant that the club year we’ve done it.” offensive and defensive plays and with the new kids coming through College Tribune 31.01.06 SPORT 29 Dublin captains call for “level playing field”

In the midst of recent controversy regarding UCD’s involvement in next years Dublin Hurling Championship, Colin Gleeson spoke to some of the captains who have threatened to boycott next years competition if UCD are allowed to play

The captains of Dublin’s leading hurling clubs are the 2006 championship,” declared the Vincents man. The to meet in the coming weeks in order to decide on a issue of a possible boycott will therefore most probably course of action to counter the recent decision by the arise at the meeting of captains in the coming weeks. Dublin County Board to include UCD in the draw for “I know it was mentioned but I don’t think we want to go next years Dublin Hurling Championship. down that route. I know that in different clubs there have The controversy arose in the wake of UCD’s victory in been different opinions, some believe they should be in the Dublin Championship last October for the second year it, some believe they shouldn’t, but it will be a majority running. The team boasts a number of inter-county stars decision. If we have a majority that decide we don’t want who are eligible to play in both the Dublin Championships to play, it will be the same in O’Tooles and Ciarans and all and their own parochial championship. Amid the contro- the other clubs I presume. versy, seven Dublin club hurling captains have issued a “There’s a confl ict of opinion though, some people be- statement which declared that their clubs would withdraw lieve they should be in, some people believe there should from the Dublin Championship if UCD were allowed to only be pure degrees, but this years situation is complete play. bull. You have people living down the country who are able When speaking to The College Tribune, Risteard Bren- to come up and play who aren’t even in the college. The nan, captain of St. Vincents hurling team, (who were system is completely accommodating them. beaten in this years County Final by UCD) out. There was no sinister motive. It predicts a promising future for both was frustrated to receive the news from the was just a general feeling from both players. College Tribune rather than the Dublin County sides that the time had come. We’ve “Paul was getting a sniff in before Board that the college are to be included in lost a good player, there is no question injury stunted his progress. He is re- next years draw. about that, he’s been a model profes- covering from surgery at the moment, “Well that’s the thing, UCD seem to know sional. We wish him well.” but we hope to have him back if not more about it than the Dublin clubs. We’re With a substantial vacuum now left for the start of the season, then two or wondering how they’re getting to know all this to fi ll, and Mahon struggling to bolster three weeks later. Ronan did well at U- information when all the other clubs are left in the squad, the opportunity is there for 21 level, came on against (Shamrock) the dark. At the end of the day, UCD are in- a new crop of young talent to emerge. Rovers and grabbed himself a goal. vited to play in the Dublin Championship and Just two candidates hoping to make He has a great chance of fi guring in we were hoping that they wouldn’t be invited the step up to regular fi rst-team in- the fi rst-team, maybe not as much as this year until the rules had been fi xed once volvement are Paul Byrne and Ronan Paul, but then again you never can and for all. And then that was all blown out of Finn. tell.” the water.” Byrne 19, will be looking to add to So, with the transfer window due to Brennan and his fellow captains are un- his handful of senior goals, while Finn, close on the 22nd February, and the happy with the current state of the rules in 18 months his junior, will surely be fi rst league fi xture coming three weeks the Championship and are hopeful of swift pushing for more action after his late later, the UCD chief must test his own changes. “It’s hard to see that those guys can equaliser against Shamrock Rovers in resilience and try to introduce some play in Dublin and then go and play down the the fi nal game of 2005. The manager more quality and depth to the side. country as well. But the fact is they were facili- tated to play in the Dublin Championships. “We had matches on Monday nights and on Friday nights, whereas we should have been “bad season” playing matches on Saturdays and Sundays, so we’re all playing on awkward days because these guys have to go down the country and the new system that things will start age is twenty-one which is consider- play both. happening, it’s the only way to go, ably younger than other teams in the “You know we’re working nine to fi ve on you have to have a platform to work league.” monday to friday, and these guys are in col- from.” While this season has soured lege, they come over and play a match. Glover is meanwhile attempting somewhat, there is much hope for There’s stories of helicopters landing players to salvage the coming two seasons the coming years and Glover is con- at matches, things like this you know. There’s while Marian wait for the youngsters fi dent of a secure future for the club. no way a club can compete against a college to come through. The departure “Although it’s a frustrating year, it’s like that. of Precious and Moberly has left a like taking one step backwards and “It’s an unbelievable privilege the position hole in the squad and a serious lack two steps forward. that they have. And I don’t think that they’re of experience. “When Lorcan and “The task now is obviously to get playing ball. We’re training away and at the Moberly left, we were down to one a very good coach for next year for end of the day we have a panel of twenty odd Eamon Ryan: A second consecutive Dublin Championship title professional really. But what it is do- which the planning process has al- players. UCD used about forty odd players last ing, is giving me a chance to blood ready started. We are conscious of year and throughout the championship. There’s no way a “I don’t see UCD now being too proactive in levelling the the younger players which is hugely the fact that we’ll probably have to club, particularly in Dublin, can participate against it.” playing fi eld. I think that if they are going to be in it, then important. look outside of Ireland for a coach, Tensions have gathered momentum in recent weeks they should name a panel of players at the start of the year “So from my point of view, it’s actu- but the whole idea of this is that we with the prospect of a boycott of the Championships, but and then stick to it. The way things are, Dublin hurling is ally probably better. Even if we were build from within, so it’s not ideal, but Brennan was adamant that there was no animosity be- not going to thrive.” to lose another couple of games we need somebody who’s going to tween the other Dublin clubs and UCD. “Dave Billings is This is a sentiment that was shared by the captain of St. this year and not have a successful put in four or fi ve years work here. in our own club and sometimes it can get personal but it Ciaran’s hurling side, “it’s doing nothing for Dublin hurling season, it’s probably better for us in “I think that since we’re a young shouldn’t be that way. This isn’t a personal gripe against from an underage point of view, we’re in our clubs and the long-term. We’re rebuilding basi- team, what we need to do is to bring UCD. If DCU were in the Championship, I’d still feel the helping out, bringing on the young lads. So we just think cally, we’re looking forward to next in or bring back a few experienced same. I don’t think they should be in it full stop, they’re a it’s unfair and that it needs to be sorted out. year and the next couple of years, players for a year or two just to bridge college side and that’s the argument. You can’t play in two “We’ve a meeting to discuss what we’re going to do it’s not going to happen overnight the gap. We lost three of our main championships.” next. It’s only about bringing it back to a level playing fi eld. but it’s going to take another couple players when Mark Keenan was here There will be a congress this coming April in Killarney We’re not saying that we don’t want to play them because of years. But if you look at our Irish so we need a couple of older heads in order to decide if rules should be altered with regard they’re too good. But effectively they’re an inter-county players at the moment, the average to get us through the tough times.” to UCD. “I don’t think that’s going to impinge anything on team and this needs to be sorted out.” College Tribune 30 SPORT 31.01.06 Tipp top shape

Colin Gleeson speaks to UCD and Tipperary hurling star Pa Morrissey about his season and the year ahead for Tipp

The fi nal of the Leinster Club Hurling hurling has little to do with etiquette. it’s about the biggest disappointment Championship. The giants of Irish Every fairytale must have it’s villain we ever had, especially after last year. club hurling and All-Ireland champi- and James Stephen’s weren’t about to It was especially a big disappointment ons James Stephens, to take on the welcome a happy end to this one. The after all the good work we did. It kind of might of UCD and her sharp teeth. A victory for the men from Kilkenny, under came to nothing there in the end. Be- team that boasts an armoury satu- just circumstances on this occasion, cause really we were the better team rated with inter-county hurlers from added the insult of a smile in the face and we are a better team than James all corners of the country. of men like Pa Morrissey as the knife Stephens. This was a banquet of club hurling. was twisted. “We spoke about it ourselves in the The entrée greatly complimented the That numbness in the very core of dressing room afterwards and we’ve no main course as it consisted of much your soul. That inescapable engross- idea what happened to us. At half time controversy about the year before due ment of the senses. Some gaping hole we went in and we were in the driving to a victory for the Kilkenny champions eating away at you in some far corner seat, but we just didn’t perform in the by means of a point that never was. of the heart. That bitter taste in your second half and we don’t really know The glamour and romance was to be mouth. When all your hopes come what happened. They kind of got a bit felt in the air as the guests arrived. Tip- of a run going but we failed to get the perary and UCD starlet Pa Morrissey If Vincents and scores really and that was the main among them. They took their places Ballyboden had played problem.” Pa Morrissey: In search of silverware accordingly. hurling rather than A problem that was nowhere to be The fairytale ending upon us. UCD playing a bit cynically, seen earlier on in the student’s sea- toughest matches we played. There’s a lot of noise being made about on top and cruising as half-time ap- they would’ve beaten us son during the Dublin County Cham- “In the semi-fi nal I think we were us and we’re getting a lot of media pub- proached. A few hushed whispers be- pionships as UCD steamrolled to their wicked lucky to get out of that, we beat licity and all the rest of it but at the end gin to circulate rather prematurely with crashing to the ground before shattering second successive title. “It was a very Ballyboden by two or three points and of the day we’ve very little won. regard to the chances of a landslide win into a million tiny fragments. The brutal successful campaign on the county they had two goal chances cleared off “So we need to get the Fitzgibbbon for the students. Normal order about to realisation of broken dreams. You must front. It was brilliant because I think it the line so really we were very lucky to this year, we know that ourselves. I be restored. The etiquette of such an yet pass through the doldrums. was harder won this year, Ballyboden win the Dublin Championship. I know think we’re up there, we’re in with a right event up to now preserved. But alas “It’s hard to think about now because St. Enda’s and Vincents were two of the there’s been controversy but we were shout, the quarter fi nal will be the one delighted to win it.” to win. I think if we get to the weekend With the joy and jubilance of a trophy we’ll be hard to beat. But there’s some under their belts, the students were still very tough teams in there as well this to feel the pang of disappointment after year. I think we’ll be very close to it.” their victory. The vultures already be- The Tipperary man also has the pros- ginning to circle overhead with regard pects of an exciting season ahead with to the controversy that surrounded their his native county under the steward- participation in the County Champion- ship of his mentor Michael ‘Babs’ Keat- ships. ing. “The Munster Championship is our The student assistance fund is funded by the Department of Education and Science “It was tough after winning the county fi rst goal, but the way the format is now with assistance from the European Social Fund under the National Development Plan 2000-2006 fi nal. Because in fairness, in my opin- every strong team will be in the quarter Student Assistance Fund ion, if Vincents and Ballyboden had fi nal so we’ll take it one game at a time. played hurling rather than playing a Limerick will be serious opposition. 2005/2006 bit cynically, they There’s a lot of “Cork are team would’ve beaten to beat, but we’re us. But then they noise being made not looking past The Student Assistance Fund 2005/2006 is funded by the Department of went giving out, about us but at the Limerick. They’re Education and Science with assistance from the European Social Fund and to be fair you end of the day we’ve putting in a serious under the National Development Fund 2000-2006. The fund is administered can see their point. very little won effort this year. Our by UCD’s Student Welfare and Assistance Committee. It is an unusual situ- two teams know ation with a college team playing in a each other very well, we played U-21s Applicants should note that funding for the fund has been signifi cantly re- club championship but that’s the way against each other so there’s a rivalry duced from that of previous years. This is due to a change in Government the rules are and we’re just taking ad- developing there.” policy whereby funding for the Local Authority Top-up grant has been vantage of the rules. We’re doing noth- When a boy fi nds himself tangled in increased. This reduction in funding means that successful applicants ing wrong really.” the thickets and lost in the green fi elds will not receive the same level of assistance as was allocated in previous With momentum now gathering of rural Tipperary with a hurley in hand years. behind the UCD bandwagon with Pa as he grows up, there are two dreams Morrissey very much at the helm, there that burn in the back of his mind. To were hopes and aspirations of an All- play in an All-Ireland. And to win an All- Eligible Applicants Ireland crown at the business end of Ireland. Pa Morrissey was no different. the season. “We said before the Birr With the balance of power very much The Student Assistance Fund is open to students who are currently match that we wanted to win this one, held today by the axis of Cork and Kil- registered for a course at UCD. The course must be of at least one because we hadn’t beaten a big name kenny, the young man from the Premier year’s duration and must lead to an undergraduate or postgraduate even last year. We beat Port Laoise county hopes to disrupt the status quo qualifi cation. and Coolderry but they weren’t a big and realise his dreams. This fund is targeted at those disadvantaged students most in need. name so we knew that if we could beat “I think we have the potential defi nite- Application Forms are available from: Birr, we’d have a right crack at the all- ly to disrupt it, it’s about getting our best n http://www.ucd.ie/student.htm Ireland maybe.” team on the fi eld, getting everybody fi t All great men are driven by a burn- and getting our mindset right, I defi nitely n Chaplaincy and Student Adviser Offi ces ing ambition. An ambition to be the best think we have the potential to do it. And n Welfare Offi cer, Students’ Union you can be. An ambition to succeed. An if anybody is going to do it, Babs and ambition to win. It niggles away at you John Leahy will do it. So I’m fairly con- Closing Date: constantly and in truth is a bittersweet fi dent we can defi nitely make progress component to the make-up of men who from last year.” Flashes of a childhood Thursday February 16th 2006 at 5.00pm were born leaders. “Well for this team, dream that have echoed down through All students will be notifi ed of the result of their application in March 2006 we need to get a trophy you know. his years. His time will come. College Tribune 31.01.06 HEADLINE 31 Students stoop to conquer

Photo: Ronan Cooney The UCD Ladies Hockey Firsts were ROSS GRIFFIN victorious by a margin of two goals to one despite a disappointing per- came from Captain Jane Burke who formance against Trinity that brings created havoc in the middle of the fi eld them up to 4th place in the league. throughout the game as she scup- Coach Tom O’ Donoghue described pered Trinity attacks and continually the performance as “diabolical,” de- connected with wingers Roisin Flinn spite his sides win. Their victory and Elaine O’ Neill. against the old enemy on Saturday With twenty minutes elapsed, the last in Belfi eld, follows in the wake of Belfi eld girls camped themselves in the previous weeks 3-1 win in the cup front of the Trinity goal. Burke, despite against Loretto. This result was seen being fl anked by a number of defend- as somewhat disappointing however, ers, she managed to quickly turn with NATIONAL HOCKEY CENTRE when compared to their 5-1 win over the ball and with a reverse stick shot, UCD Trinity before Christmas. place it in the extreme left hand corner 2 The Belfi eld Girls were the dominant of the net to make it 2-1. TRINITY 1 for much of the fi rst half scoring their Trinity were on the back foot for the two goals inside the fi rst twenty min- remainder of the half before piecing Sideline Ball: UCD start another fl owing attack against Trinity utes. Trinity had no response to the together a fi ne attack as Ceclia Joyce that set up a short corner for UCD. The ing her short range shot past the right could of gone anywhere. I told her at home sides onslaught until deep into found herself one on one with goal- ball once again found Burke at least 25 hand side of the goal and through the half time, we got two lucky breaks.” the fi rst half and during patches of the keeper Pam Smithwick, but the Ireland yards outside the box, her shot going legs of Smithwick. When asked about next week col- second in which they scored their only starlet struck her shot straight at the right and wide. The score now at 2-1 ensured an ours match O’Donoghue stated that goal deep inside injury time. UCD goalkeeper. Twenty minutes in to the half and exciting conclusion to the game with a it wasn’t of the highest concern to the College were the fastest out of the Dublin University started the second UCD were on the attack again. Flinn’s short Trinity corner at the death which team, “its not too important, nothing at blocks as the game got underway with half as they had fi nished the fi rst and cross from the right hand side found was followed immediately by a long stake but pride, the league is our main two consecutive short corners. Roisin seemed like a completely revitalised Sarah Gleeson whose fl ick was barely corner, which could of snatched a draw concern.” Flinn caused considerable damage in outfi t. With fi ve minutes gone, they defl ected away by the Trinity goal- from the jaws of defeat. the Trinity defence with some skilful pieced together two attacks from their keeper. Captain Jane Burke expressed her Player of the match - Jane Burke runs down the left wing before a des- wingers, both of which fi nished just The home side’s last main chance teams ‘disappointment’ at their per- P GD Pts perate defence eventually snuffed out right of the College goal. came on the half hour mark when Roi- formance. While happy to get the three Pembroke W 91723 the attack. The Belfi eld Blues hit back at Trini- sin Flinn found herself one on one with points and describing “a win as a win,” Hermes 91523 With eight minutes gone however, ty’s resurgence with Burke once again the Trinity goalkeeper, but her shot was she expressed her annoyance on not UCD’s hard work paid off. Some good leading by example. With ten minutes blocked down by an excellent save capitalising further on their 2-1 score Loreto 81215 build-up play lead to a penalty stroke gone, the ball found her 20 yards out from the visiting goalkeeper who raced line. Old Alexandra 81015 which Lisa Jacob slotted into the right from goal before she launched a stun- out of her box to meet Flinns strike. “All the top teams are beating Trinity Railway Union 71114 hand corner to make it 1-0. Despite ex- ning shot and was unlucky to see her For the remainder of the half, Trin- by more, we expected to beat them by UCD 749 cellent defending from Niamh Herilley, effort slide narrowly wide. ity managed to penetrate deeper and more.” When asked about her goal she Corinthian 9-116 Trinity had the home side under pres- Minutes later it was Burke again deeper into the UCD half, piling on the described it “as a bit of luck, a fl uke.” Three Rock 8-35 sure and were unlucky to see a shot who was causing all the trouble in the pressure. In the fi nal minutes, Trin- Coach Tom O’Donoghue agreed Dublin University 8 -30 4 swing left of goal. middle of the park and it was her solo ity pressure fi nally told on the stalwart with her assessment of goal, “it was a Clontarf 7 -25 0 The best shot and goal of the game run down the left hand side of the pitch College defence. Ceclia Joyce squeez- good fi nish but it was one of those that

COMPILED BY CHRISTMAS HARRY SMYTH SPORT IN BRIEF second position in the second division of the in blue who are now lying in fourth place in to go one better this year. RUGBY Leinster league. An impressive 4-1 win over the Northern Conference after a disappointing James Stephens had become the fi rst Kil- Portrane was followed by an entertaining 2-2 Christmas term. kenny side to retain their county title (after a UCD suffered a disappointing 14-10 defeat draw against Naas. This has dispelled any no- club All Ireland triumph) so some slight doubts at the hands of Ballymena in the AIB league tion of rust after the lengthy winter break. remained about their hunger, because of the on the 21st of january. This was certainly They are just one point adrift of their next HURLING ‘mileage’ they had clocked up over the last a setback and was surprising considering opponents Clontarf and are in with a real twenty-four months. their impressive 26-3 victory over Dungan- chance of promotion if they can maintain their James Stephens retained their Leinster club non the previous weekend. current run of form. It will be a tough task title with a second half performance that Cork Constitution away will provide a stiff to beat Clontarf, but with confi dence oozing saw the Kilkenny city side edge out test next week and Garryowen are looking ex- through the players’ veins at the moment, it is UCD in an exciting and engag- tremely strong at the top of the table with their by no means beyond them. ing contest. consistency providing the platform for their The day was cold recent success. but dry in Portlaoise, However, Shannon and Clontarf are hot BASKETBALL where the pitch on their heels so they can’t really afford any was in extremely slip-ups. It is certainly well poised and every- good condition thing points to an exciting second half to the Team Merry Monk extended their lead at the for this time season. top of the northern conference of the NIVEA of year. UCD for Men Superleague with a comfortable, if succumbed unconvincing, win over UCD Marian at Ballina in last years HOCKEY Sports & Leisure Centre. fi nal to con- The home side dominated most of the game troversial but poor defence by them resulted in the visi- circumstance Some recent high quality performances from tors pulling back the Ballina lead a number but were fan- the UCD men have seen them climb up to times. It wasn’t enough however for the boys cied by many SPORT EIRCOM LEAGUE TRANSFERS PA MORRISSEY TOUGH GOING FOR MAHON PAGE 28 UCD & TIPP PAGE 30 JJailail BreakBreak

BELFIELD BOWL

UCD 23

BUCCANEERS 20

An injury-time penalty from UCD score in the corner to send the visitors that College found their stride. In this good team performance, everybody RICHARD MCELWEE out-half Eoghan Hickey got College into the lead. The lead was short-lived instance, it was the turn of the Belfi eld did their jobs. That was a game that out of jail and restored them to win- This crunching challenge forced a however, and in what was a dress re- boys to exact some high-speed pres- maybe a couple of years ago we ning ways in the AIB League. turnover and subsequently young full- hearsal for what was to come, Hickey sure on their opponents. High qual- would’ve lost. We tended to get bul- The late penalty will inevitably weigh back David Nyhan was released down effortlessly slotted over a penalty from ity handling and delivery from Niall lied around a bit. heavily on the minds of the Buccaneer the left wing. Nyhan opted to chip the inside his own half to bring the game Kearns, David Nyhan and ultimately “Next up we’ve got Cork Constitu- XV who battled hard in perfect condi- ball on, only to be obstructed in his ef- level at half-time. Michael Fanning sent the winger over tion, then Blackrock, and following tions at the Belfi eld Bowl last Saturday forts to reclaim possession. As a contest the second half strug- the line under tight circumstances. that we have the top four sides. The afternoon. It was UCD who were fi rst The resulting penalty brought about gled to take off in the same vein as Buccaneers were by now begin- season begins to get a little disjointed out of the blocks as Hickey stamped a line-out, from which the Dublin pack the fi rst. Cregan kicked another three ning to wilt under the sustained pres- with the internationals from here on in his mark on the early proceedings by gathered their collective power and points within a minute of the re-start to sure but were afforded a lifeline when so it’s important that we stay focussed. notching up a penalty to conclude a pushed the Athlone side over their bring the game to 13-10 in favour of sloppy handling out wide from UCD Otherwise it’s happy days.” move that he himself had initiated. own line before allowing Leinster the Midlanders. meant a turnover in possession. Buc- P Pts An obvious strength within the Buc- hooker David Blaney to simply fall to A prolonged period of play restrict- caneers got moving quickly and Rob- Shannon 10 39 caneer ranks was undoubtedly their the turf and re-establish UCD’s lead. ed in effect to the middle third of the inson sped off on a mission towards Garryowen 10 38 speed in attack and it was this quality Buccaneers eventually managed to pitch followed. On sixty minutes, Buc- the UCD half. to which they turned to in response to get ball to hand in attack and a swift caneers did manage to make some The diminutive speedster looked Clontarf 10 37 College’s early pressure. The travel- move involving out-half Paul Warwick headway down the right. With their dangerous on the break and seemed Cork Con 10 33 ling side were ultimately foiled how- and winger Ted Robinson had UCD in momentum at its peak, the Athlone to have evaded any possible chal- Belfast Harlequins 10 32 ever, by numerous bouts of handling trouble before Michael Fanning was outfi t chose to set-up a maul in the lenge, but remarkably Simon Craw- UCD 10 26 errors. Indeed their fi rst points on the called upon to rescue the situation. hope of making the line. A sturdy UCD ford somehow managed to chase and UL Bohemian 10 26 board were to come from the boot of Less than two minutes later how- pack was successful in halting the mu- haul the winger to the ground. St. Mary’s College 10 23 full back Tom Cregan after fourteen ever, the Midlanders were on the rading visitors. Due to a lack of support from his Lansdowne 10 22 minutes. rampage once again. Following some While eyes now looked wide to the teammates, Robinson was penalised Dungannon 10 22 Having weathered threatening at- good work, Buccaneers found them- wings, Warwick took advantage of the for holding on. This would be Hickey’s Buccaneers 10 21 tempts on their line, UCD eventually selves deep inside the College twen- presumptuous defence and cheekily moment. Calmly, the out-half stroked Blackrock College 10 16 ventured up fi eld and a massive dou- ty-two. Having over-committed to the lobbed the ball over their heads and the ball over the bar once more from Ballymena 10 15 ble hit from both Kevin McLaughlin resulting ruck, the students failed to Robinson stole in under the posts to quite a considerable distance deep in- and Richard Mandeno seemed to turn spot the unmarked Paddy O’Sullivan stretch the lead of the visitors to seven side stoppage time. Galwegians 10 15 the tide entirely in favour of the stu- to the right. points. UCD captain Kevin Croke was de- Dublin University 96 dents. Quick ball work saw the centre It wasn’t until the seventieth minute lighted with the outcome. “It was a Co. Carlow 93