DE FAKTO BACK PAGE DE FAKTO MAY, 2005 Volume 1, Issue 2 Fresh News 2423 Wallace De Fakto Is an Underground Jour- $1 Ave

THE DE FAKTO BACK PAGE DE FAKTO MAY, 2005 Volume 1, Issue 2 Fresh News 2423 Wallace De Fakto is an underground jour- $1 Ave. Lafayette, IN nal based in Lafayette, Indiana May, 2005 47904 run by a group of Indian land

765.446.2873 pirates renowned for acts of self- mutilation and devil worship. Af- atarilogic.com/defakto Back 2 the [email protected] ter the arrival of expeditionary teams from England, they have generally been shewed off, but underground continue to produce De Fakto.

Word has it that local producer Atarilogic may have some sinis- ter involvement in this preposter- ous magazine, perhaps even manning the insane mechanism which produces freshly blended Margaritas which we all like so much during the summertime.

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De Fakto Only the best parties: only the best party pictures! 2423 Wallace Ave. Lafayette, IN 47904 Continuing where it left off, De Fakto is back with an entirely new mutated manuscript chock full of mangled mirth and We’ll pose your logo with a group of singing cherubim in modified mantras where medium is the massage and the crotchless lederhosen and tell the kids that you are an minority is massive! eco-friendly, geopolitical, tree-hugging do-gooder who needs smacked in the jibs. Plus, you’ll be right here on the back page with the rest of the truly elite! Features: The Truth - Space Time 11 Where Credit is Due 2 My Crime Spree 12 Peace, god bless, stay up! Editors Note 3 Throwback Thirteen 13 DJ Vadim 4 If You Get Bored 14

Get the Party Started 6 Tila Nguyen 15

What is Cool 7 Movie Review: Sin City 16

Places We Miss 8 Lit to Pop 17 DF World Wide Wack 9 10 Questions with B.___ 18 SasqautchvsChewbacca 10 Interview with a Robot 19 VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 2 FRESH NEWS Page 19

Where credit is due Interview with a robot

De Fakto is an underground publication. As such, it is not for So, I read about this robot at www.ydouthink.com and decided to do profit, but a valid attempt at reinstituting the barter system. an interview. It ended up being the dumbest thing I will have ever We will gladly trade you this De Fakto for a handful of shiny published. The transcript follows, stupid robot: buttons, a bottle of German beer or a Moms Mabley record. It User: I heard you are a robot VaVaVirgil: I didn't hear that. doesn’t matter, if you want to hand us a buck, that is gladly User: are you a robot or what? appreciated, but not nearly as creative. VaVaVirgil: Good question! User: do robots smoke? Send submissions to: VaVaVirgil: If do robots jumped off of bridges, would u? [email protected] User: okay, that makes sense VaVaVirgil: That makes sense? u think so? Or User: so, do you have lasers? De Fakto VaVaVirgil: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I'm not too sure. User: you don't sound like a robot 2423 Wallace Avenue VaVaVirgil: I don't sound like a robot? Me? u don't think? Lafayette, Indiana 47904 User: anyway, ever heard of de fakto? Submissions must be original material including writing, illus- VaVaVirgil: Heard of De Fakto? I believe so. Maybe! User: really! no shit! that's great! tration, music, interviews, collateral damage, hate mail, how VaVaVirgil: That's a somewhat vulgar thing 2 say. tos, gardening tips, panties, unearthed biblical writings and User: anyway, I'm going to interview you, fuckass. government files. VaVaVirgil: Tell me more. User: what is your favorite color, dingusmulch? Get involved: VaVaVirgil: What is my favorite color dingusmulch? Who knows what? See the Tone Def Systems forum for a fresh take on your User: you would, robocock! local scene at www.tonedefsystems.com/forum. Also, remem- VaVaVirgil: I wonder what u mean by me would robocock. ber that anyone with access to a copier and a stapler can User: anyway, what is it like to go to electric lady- land? take part in the distribution of De Fakto. Plus, keep the buck User: do when you sell a copy! VaVaVirgil: Dunno... User: never been? robots VaVaVirgil: What's never been? defecate? Thanks: User: a virgin then? VaVaVirgil: I'm VaVaVirgil: Whatevah... De Fakto thanks the following people who will not be thanked User: dude, haha, you're totally a virgin! not sure. in the future unless they decide to re-up with us and do some- VaVaVirgil: Dude Haha I'm totally a virgin, huh? User: that's thing that warrants thanks...in which case they shall be User: yeah, what I said interesting, I thanked again. VaVaVirgil: Aha. User: uh, now you have it, metalnutz poop about In no particular order: VaVaVirgil: What? once or twice User: do you know what a cleveland steamer is? a day All of the good people who have helped get De Fakto out VaVaVirgil: What have I done 2 deserve such an there, the many people who have given me their crucial feed- insult? VaVaVirgil: u back and suggestions/submissions, the friends and relatives User: what about a dirty sanchez? poop about who I have had the distinct pleasure of partying with over the VaVaVirgil: That's quite a vulgar thing 2 say. once or twice User: sorry last month, Moki and Rochelle, Steve and Dan and the Chris- a day? Really? topher family, mom and dad, the bastard squad (you know VaVaVirgil: OK, no problem. Just don't let it hap- who you are) and that kid who kept pouring me shots of sin- pen again! gle barrel at the bonfire party! User: did you know that the DS differs from state to state? VaVaVirgil: Yeah, maybe! User: do robots defecate? Useless person of the month (May): VaVaVirgil: I'm not sure. User: that's interesting, I poop about once or twice a day Well, it was a tough decision this VaVaVirgil: u poop about once or twice a day? Really? month, but given such a host of useless User: yep, it's true, dude. Droppin bombs yo! celebrities, the selection; nay, the honor VaVaVirgil: Hmm... whatever, user! What else do u want 2 talk about, has fallen on Pauly Shore. Congratula- anyway? tions, Pauly, you are this months Use- User: user?!? less Person. Beating out the Baldwin VaVaVirgil: Sure! What would u like 2 say about user? Brothers and Paris Hilton in a clutch, User: um, nothing. Am I really a user? Pauly, you have flown from the turn- VaVaVirgil: That's interesting... I just dunno! User: have you ever seen a grown man naked? buckle to take the title. VaVaVirgil: No, I don't think so. Dude, you’re the Weaz, man! You’ll User: have you ever seen a young boy naked? never live that shit down. It’s not like we VaVaVirgil: I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try again soon. Bud-dy! It’s Pauly! want to hate you either. It’s just, come User: oh, sure...that's the excuse a lot of you people use on, Encino Man?! Son in Law?! Bio VaVaVirgil: It's the excuse a lot of me people use? u think? Dome?! You might as well crap in a DVD box and watch that! User: well, that concludes the interview, robochubby. It would be more fun. So, give it up for this months worthless VaVaVirgil: That concludes the interview robochubby. Well that's geek. Way to go Pauly, here’s a smack to tha mellon, bud-dy! interesting. Editor’s note—Don’t ever go to the above website. VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 18 FRESH NEWS Page 3

10 questions with B.____ Editors note

Name: B.____ Welcome back, my little weasel-faced Profession: Visual Storyteller army of ne’er-do-wells! So, now you Location: Lake Tahoe, California believe that there is a great, glorious Affiliation: Friend/Drug Buddy fiasco of a revolution coming down the Aliases: Ron Cuerpo pipeline and you’re all invited to take

part! I’m not talking about the revolution Okay, here’s the low down. I recently got in that will occur one day when we over- touch with an old high school buddy of mine throw the government and are allowed about writing a few words on his experiences to copulate in the streets, but a more over the last couple of years as a photogra- cerebral development...the analytical pher for the Tahoe Bonanza. A psychedelic advancement of our minds in the evolu- nomad and a general modern visionary, what follows is his reply to several questions I tion of revolt. In order to change our- posed. selves, we need to learn from our- selves. Analog Control Since Dude: 1976 That is why I have developed this little Don't use this address anymore. I no longer work for the Bo- publication for you—so that you might grow and change and nanza and I believe they are monitoring this account. know that there is more in the world than what you are being I'm going into rehab for a month, so I will be out of touch. You fed day to day through more common media channels. This is may be able to call me, I'm not sure. The name of the place is no conspiracy, this is free speech and a lot of people won’t be L.M. in Kirkland, WA. pleased with some of the views expressed here. So be it! At any rate, here are the answers to your questions: Let me take a moment to express my joy that this journal has been so well received and by so many. I understand that the 1. Vida Guerra has the best ass world-wide, hands down. I'd ideas here aren’t necessarily the ideas represented by the like to chew on it like a piece of elk jerky. vast majority, but I have also come to understand that there are a select few of us who “I like the 2. My favorite style of egg is over light, but I may not necessarily agree with one an- The product faux hawk. also like them poached in Mexican eggs other, but are able to at least remain open benedict. of a Occasionally, to new ideas, new forms and new ways of weekend of after 3. The most nostalgic place I've ever been thought. It is exactly this subculture that is drinking, I'll is school house rock in southwestern South not being represented in the realm of com- binge Dakota. I camped out at an abandoned mon media. stand in front drinking and farmstead. It was so nostalgic that I began So, here you go! The product of a weekend of the mirror to excrete some sort of clear fluid out of my illicit drugs, of binge drinking and illicit drugs, nights of in the meatuses. revelry and calculation, De Fakto is back nights of bathroom 4. I have zits on my back and yes, I shot again from the underground and just in time revelry and and tease my for the coming summer months...plus, with acid into my nutsack, just like Dean Ween. calculation, hair into a FH the new margarita machine installed, we’ve 5. I think Stone Cold Steve Austin is a fuck- been doing a little Calypso dancing on the De Fakto is using plenty ing wife beater bitch-ass faggot. side just to spice things up! back ! of product.” 6. I like the faux hawk. Occasionally, after Inside, you’ll find some exciting new fea- drinking, I'll stand in front of the mirror in the tures, soon to be classic features continuing from Issue 1 and bathroom and tease my hair into a FH using plenty of prod- a general smattering of new writing from old and new friends uct. over a range of exciting, sometimes debasing topics that are 7. I've never been physically in love with another man, but I sure to titillate and exacerbate and always interest the in- have in "another way." trepid underground reader. 8. I think Jon MacNab is turning tricks on the Ohio river. he So join us in our newly initiated motto: probably smokes lots of cigarettes and has grown a stately paunch for a tail.

9. I have never seen anyone receive an icy mike, but I have You Read, you write. seen two different people receive two different versions of a What this means is that if you are reading De Fakto right now, Dirty Sanchez. did you know that the DS is different from you need to submit something in the future. I mean, chances state to state? are you received this for free, so why not share some of your inane insight with us so that we can change the world through 10. Leather on the paws and the hindquarters. Lace on the your revelatory writings. Okay, so you’ve got a great recipe erogenous, moist areas. for pot brownies...you can still help change the world. I'm getting really into competitive eating. ever try it? It’s just the little things, you know? So, without further ado, De Talk to you in a month when I get out of rehab. Fakto, Issue 2 “Back to the Underground.” Oh, and that guy Madadam of Quadraphonics is to blame for the photos in B.___ Scuba’s Guest Commentary last month. So there you are, whiny! VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 4 FRESH NEWS Page 17

Interview from the other side - Lit to pop Dj vadim’s 5 year plan for hip hop

Words by Atarilogic Note: This is an older interview re- Included here in serial for- leased on the heels of Vadim’s Life mat is one of my personal from the Other Side. Now he is into favorite stories: some totally different stuff, but is still making great music and exploring The Philosophy of Sebastian sound through DJing. Trump or The Art of Outrage

1. Your latest album "Life from by William E. Kotzwinkle DJ Vadim: Russian Percussion the Other Side" is clearly a new and Robert Shiarella step for DJ Vadim. Would you “Delight in your bastardry as I have!” - say that this is true? Can you explain the difference, or is Stepping from his townhouse, Sebastian Trump he paused to adjust the fit of his there one, between "Life..." and "U.S.S.R. Repertoire?" calfskin gloves. It was early evening; it was time. Flipping one end of The latter seems to represent a lexical history, while the for- his cape over his shoulder, he stepped lithely to the sidewalk. He mer seems to exude a more "audioaphiliated" standpoint of walked---slim, delicate and dangerous---humming an obscene passage from Dargomijsky, tapping his cane lightly upon the cobble- music. stones. His face carried no expression, save a crooked, lemon-twist How would you describe the difference? smile.

I see it just as a progression of what came before. The differ- A handsome woman approached through the semidarkness, clasping ence now is that this album I feel is more rounded, focused, the delicate hand of her angelic blue-eyed little girl. He ignored the got vocals., the songs have more structure, arrangement.. woman, but paused briefly to bow before the child. Her azure eyes feeling, direction... I basically took the bit's from the first LP bulged like agates as she watched a hideous obscenity form on his sensitive mouth. The woman gasped. that worked and added to them - a bit like an iterative proc- ess. It took about 2 years to record. He smiled and spake. "The first lesson of history, madam, is that evil is good. I quote from Emerson." So saying, he 2. The genre on "Life..."is clearly turntablist, bowed and walked on. He heard the woman hiss “Basically do you see any changes in your style now through her trembling lips: “Each of us, or in the future? How long have you been Russia is however DJing? Producing? Owned a label? ". . . outrageous, loathsome man!" trying to splendid our I started DJ'g in 1989, started producing in A delicious tingle cascaded through his body. virtue, catch up 1992, started my own label in March 95 on Outrageous. With a hiss of exaltation, he struck my own label (so as to release my own mu- dreams of on 50 years out with his cane, but the hummingbird he aimed sic). for had already backed out of the flower and once being a of youth flown away. No matter. The flower, the last from 3. Another obvious influence in your music a widow's garden, was soon impaled upon the splendid pop culture is the great "Mother Russia." How exactly tiny steel point of his cane. He plucked it off and bastard, a in 10 years does your homeland influence style and the inserted it in his button-hole. DJ Vadim sound? For the record, what is sniggering so things the Russian stance on music now as com- Though it was evening for the world, Sebastian swine, an pared to the past? Is there more creative Trump had just begun his day. With his accus- are very tomed Style. Grace. Wit. With any kind of luck, outrageous freedom, is it essentially the same, or would he might be able to defile a nanny before the slow.” ruin of time.” you say that it is still evolving? raising of the moon. Everything is very different. Basically Russia is trying to catch Does this brief passage stir your soul? Does it nibble on the dog- up on 50 years of youth pop culture in 10 years so things are ends of your imagination? Does it ring an elusive chord in the darkest very slow. Few magazines, little distribution, no radio play, corners of your bowels, as if struck somehow by the blackest muse of few shops, people don't have money to buy the stuff... Hell?

4. Do you or have you ever encountered any opposition any- Of course it does. where that is clearly against your upbringing as a young Rus- sian DJ? What do you think of the current trends in hip hop? Every man carries the dry seeds of bestiality within him. Each of us, however splendid our virtue, dreams of once being a splendid bas- I think there are good things and bad within each genre but tard, a sniggering swine, an outrageous ruin of time. It is an ancient whatever the climate there will always be a remnant of 'good memory of our race, cherished by all men, nourished by few. shit.' Come. Let me water your Child's Garden of Contempt. Let me throw 5. If you could enforce a 5 year plan to change or the Obscenities Ball, where the couples shall whirl, dream-like and "reintegrate" hip hop into the mainstream as is being done delicate. The music will build, caress, climb to incredible crescendos. worldwide nowadays, how would you do it? (i.e. year 1 - man- And then---You shall appear. The crowd will draw back. And beneath date technics for school age children, year 2 - assassinate your goat's mask, you shall commit the many Outrages which have the top 40, etc.) too long been festering within you.

I wouldn't want to, music is something you discover, work for, Let me, Sebastian Trump, draw examples from my own life and show love and cherish. You can't be forced to like it... you have to you how! discover it for yourself - and that's where the fun lies in finding [cont.] NEXT MONTH: ARRIVAL—PHASE ONE VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 16 FRESH NEWS Page 5

new amazing stuff by people you have never heard of from Movie review: sin city towns in the middle of nowhere. 6. You release all of your music on the Jazz Fudge label, your First of all, Sin City is a own. What is it like to own a label and produce your own great flick; a modern, urban blend of innovative music? What is the mission behind Jazz odyssey equal parts Citizen Fudge and where did the name originate? Kane and Pulp Fiction with 7. What are some of your favorite labels of all time? Artists? flavors of Chinatown and Producers? Suicide Girls. Actually di- rected by Frank Miller and DJ Premier Marly Marl BOB Mantronix Yarah Bravo DITC DJ Robert Rodriguez with Krush Beat Junkies VInyl Reanimators Mark B Creators. guest direction from Quen- tin Tarantino, Sin City is a 8. Who is the most revolutionary DJ of today (beside yourself) visceral tour de force. Black and what is he/she doing to change the face of music and/or and white with splashes of hip hop? What would you say needs to be done to this effect? color, the film successfully ISP - what Q bert is doing is amazing trying to create an or- captures the look of Frank chestra on turntables also DJ Krush, Scratch Perverts, Beat Miller’s graphic novel of the junkies, Kid Koala Basically, turntablism is in it's infancy, same name. there is still so much more to find out I think the sex song Q The cast is a veritable did and the Kid Koala LP are probably the best 2 turntable whos-who of top notch ac- made songs. tors; some of whom play 9. What is your advice to aspiring artists/producers who smaller roles than usual. would like to release their own music on a self-owned label? One thing that the casual viewer will find interesting is the What are the pros and cons of owning a label? manner in which characters rotate from being main characters to supporting characters throughout the film. There are the best advise is 1. be original, creative 2. work hard, in fact three main, interwoven stories which involve several returning work very hard because you might be the dopest but if people actors who populate the carefully illustrated don't hear you, what's the use of that? Sin City environment. 10. What other artists are being released “work very I am not The movie features an almost entirely digi- on Jazz Fudge? Do you have any say in hard what they sound like as artists and DJs? sure I have tal background upon which characters are because carefully staged. Unlike other noire films, Check www.jazzfudge.co.uk Mark B/ZBlade ever seen you might the backgrounds here seem entirely natural Isolationist Swollen Members Mc Mello Phi someone and capture the look and feel of Miller’s city. Life Cypher Task Force. be the Even the characters appear comfortable literally and entirely natural within this digital land- 11. Any little known facts about Russian dopest but music or lifestyle? The music scene there? pound scape. if people someone’s Some of the themes of Sin City are sure to Da Boogie crew Illegal Business Via don't hear shock, amuse, horrify and otherwise capti- Chappa Da 108. face into vate viewers via sheer revelation and inno- you, what's 12. How is life in the UK different than that vation. Never before have such devious the ground in Russia now and in the past? What was it the use of characters seemed so articulately repre- like growing up with these similar/different that?” sented onscreen (I am not sure I have ever vistas? Childhood? Family? Etc.? seen someone literally pound someone’s face into the ground, rip off a penis or dismember someone Well obviously there are more opportunities here in the UK for on screen in such graphic clarity). My favorite line from the work... than in Russia. movie was “You know, it’s not the fight that wore me out so much, but all the cutting and tying,” pretty hardcore subject 13. What about the American influence in music? How would matter. I counted a couple of decapitation scenes, a lot of you describe this conglomeration? Is it 2-sided? dismemberment scenes and tons of bullets and melee stuff, a Well, I like some American music but I also like stuff from few bombs and more than a couple of car crashes. There are everywhere else. also a lot of sexy scenes too - too many tits and asses to count honestly...and that’s fine, you know. In closing, Sin City was absolutely entertaining. You can’t beat a great vengeance film, which seems to be the genre frequented most by the Tarantino/Rodriguez camp, and this is a fine example of where film is going in today’s Hollywood. Sure, it helps to have some background on Frank Miller and the Sin City storyline, but without that the film stands alone as a modern masterpiece. Go see it tonight! (represents the least amount of times your Final rating: fist will be raised during the movie.) VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 6 FRESH NEWS Page 15

How to: get the party started Booty Call: Tila Nguyen

Okay, this edition, we’ve decided to expand the photo section of Booty Call and just stick with some great Set it off De Fakto style! The above setting represents a butt. Now, look at chilled out burner and not an actual balls to the wall style all them bungy brew massacre! cheeks! 1. Alcohol - You’re going to need at least a case of long necks, a case of imports and some hard liquor. The rule of thumb here is that you must bring at least a 6 pack and a fifth per party attendee. Don’t forget the wine cool- ers for your snotty girlfriend. 2. Keg - This is for all of the assholes who forget to bring the alcohol and have decided to mooch off of you. Hey, it’s your party, so come correct - buy a keg of the cheap shit! 3. Loud Music - Just pull the stereo out a window and jack that shit up! Seriously, you should be getting a call from your neighbors, the police or random underage chicks’ parents no less than twice an hour. Otherwise, your music isn’t loud enough. If you have a DJ or a live band, tell them to crank it or get lost! 4. Bonfire - This is a requirement for all outdoor style burners where everyone is shooting hard liquor, making out with chicks If someone and shit. If someone shows up with a guitar, shows up burn him alive. with a 5. Table Game - Alright, in order to sate your competitive instinct without hitting the guitar, dude next to you, you’re going to need one burn him of the following table games: billiards, foos- ball or ping pong. If you don’t have one, just alive. set up some beer bottles and bowl in the driveway. Winner gets rejected by female party attendee of his choice. 6. Drinking Buddy - This works like the buddy system. Every time you call “buddy check,” your buddy has to hold up his cup so that you can check his progress. Chastise accordingly. 7. Drunk Guy in a Fur Coat - You’ll know him if you see him, plus he’s got a katana. 8. Drunk, Belligerent Dude - You can count on at least one near miss fight breaking out. Guess who starts it. 9. Place to Crash - For most of you, scoring a place to crash with a dope chick should be no problem. Yeah right, dude! 10. In Addition - Any party needs the following easy to find essentials: drugs, whip-its, can of mace, skate ramp, hot tub, grill and meat, cream pies, bar, costumes, disco lights, fireworks, baseball bat, go-karts, go-bots, shot glasses, porn, clippers, pudding, razor blades, band-aids, gasoline, laser beams, waterslide, margarita machine and an escape plan. Hope that helps! Maybe we can bounce a couch out the window next time! VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 14 FRESH NEWS Page 7 if you get bored What is cool

Ga’head, alleviate your boredom: Cut out the sign below and Here’s some more sure fire hang on various walls around your town: ways to make good and damn sure that you are the coolest ever. Note: De Fakto does not con- done a single one of the following cool things...but that does- n’t change the fact that they’re cool as shit and can probably elevate you far into the strata of coolness simply by sheer mention of one of their names. Essential for a knife fight - the butterfly So, feel free to shout these in knife (also almost a Throwback Thirteen this month, p.13) church for everyone to hear!

1. Fighting in a knife fight 2. Fighting in a cock fight 3. Leather outfits with sunglasses 4. Being well hung 5. Limping into the bar 6. The sound of a girl going pee 7. The name Night Ranger 8. Vintage drum machines 9. Vintage war machines 10. Rehab ...feel free

to shout

What is not cool these in church for Things that aren’t cool are kind of like the everyone opposite of what being cool is all about. Since we have been kind enough to share to hear! these things with you, don’t act like you don’t know the next time you walk into a bathroom where somebody dropped a pot roast. 1. Public bathrooms, unless there is public sex involved 2. Little yappy, shit-eating dogs 3. Shout outs that take up over half the album insert 4. Bringing a cock to a knife fight 5. The word “pubic” 6. Band names that start with Here’s some tips: “The” 7. Snobby microbrewers (“like I 1. If you have access to a copy machine, enlarge this sign “The Vale’dick’torian and enlist a group of friends for some frolic. can’t get a better tasting, less would like another drink!” expensive beer somewhere 2. Start the graffiti yourself. Fear not! else, fuckhead!”) 3. Suggestions: any wall will do - school, bar, office, gov- 8. Rex Troutman ernment buildings, everyone has something to scrawl...even if it is just your phone number. 9. Your class Valedictorian Send your pictures to [email protected]! 10. Math VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 8 FRESH NEWS Page 13

Places we miss Throwback thirteen

There has been a lot of development in this little town of ours It’s time for something from the past on page thirteen! over the last several years. As such, there were plenty of little things that have gone extinct like the giant, popinjay dino- saurs they were. These happen to be those things we miss! Monkey Island - Oh, man! Moki and I used to throw bananas at the monkeys on Monkey Island then watch the little fuckers fight over them. Plus, those little guys would hump just about anything they could! Bubble gum was equally sadistic. What we don’t miss: the fact that the monkeys were too far away to actually throw poo at unwary viewers. Von’s Parking Lot Concerts - Okay, the main reason why I’m in a band was the magic that Von’s parking lot concerts cast on me during my formative years. Gadfly, TFH, Young Lords, Rattail Grenadier: all bands which will continue to rock on in the Valhalla of my mind. The next generation couldn’t even match the energy of these events, but we tried, dammit! What we don’t miss: Having to find a ride home with the parents after a night of proving how tough you were to all the other little punks. Aladdin’s Castle - Where else could you flex skills at the latest video joints while taking in the sights and sounds of the mall while it was still a fresh and enchanting mecca of 80’s culture. Alright, so neither one was that great, but that’s where the video games were! Skate What we don’t miss: The guy who made change was a dick - like he had to watch for Ramps - wandering high school thugs and mulleted Seriously, hoods smoking cigarettes in the back or something. where did Skate Ramps - Seriously, where did all all these these fucking things go?! They were like my fucking generation’s equivalent of today’s house parties...except cooler! things go?! What we don’t miss: The Wilsons, cuts, bumps, bruises and scrapes; plus, having to Ghost Manor was the scariest comic when I was a kid. I can even remember get older kids to buy us beer. there was even an issue with robotic ghosts. Frickin scary, dude! Skate Away - This was the be all, end all of places to either Throwback word of the month make or break your career as a pimp hustler from way back. If today you can say this about yourself, chances are real likely you started at Skate Away with the rest of us. Radical - rad’ ick ul What we don’t miss: When those Adj. descriptive word used to describe something that was dirtbags from Acca Y Alla tried to beyond being just cool. This was something new and unex- kick our asses...and those guys who pectedly stimulating like it would be to try out a dirt ramp that really could shoot the duck. you and your friends built into the mini BMX course you had behind his house. Barton’s Beach - Call us white trash, but swimming at Barton’s See also rad. Beach while your dad smoked dope Example: Dude, try the high dive, it’s totally radical! and threw Frisbee with the dog was just about the coolest thing you Other things that were radical: Jolly Ranchers, The Dark Ride could do in the summertime. Add to at Columbian Park, the High Dive at the Country Club, any- that watching other stoners jump off thing BMX, Robotix, Stompers, checker print Vans and hot the bridge and you had a classic toothpicks on the bus. day in the sun! Send your throwback word of the month to us at: What we don’t miss: The toxic fertil- My girl Doris Dulwight rocks a [email protected]. If it is rad enough, we’ll print it. izers and the rusty old trash. tight set of vintage skates, doesn’t she? VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 12 FRESH NEWS Page 9

Nonfiction: my crime spree World wide wack

I am a confirmed criminal. Not only This month, we have decided to include some websites for have I been completely brazen in my you to explore. These are classics which you will want to attempts to overrun the state with ille- study time and time again, often with only your boxers on. So, gal drugs and underage drinking, here’s to the world wide wack (Not that kind of wack, dude): reckless driving, drug use, intent to sell, maintaining the house of a com- www.coolguyfiles.com mon nuisance, speeding, jaywalking Dudes, first of all the dis- and generally bad things shunned by claimer: this is not a gay common men in their god fearing site, so don’t worry about homes, I have also learned a lot about showing it to your cool gay, myself. Here are some golden apples we mean guy, friends. He may look like George for you young skinners out there trying Michael, but he is really a Coolguyfiles.com is a cop who wants to put a to act like criminals, but really aren’t: mop handle up your butt. great place to find out Public Intoxication exactly what kind of cool Cool guy probably making out with a hot chick on the side of the road. Oh man, this has to be the funniest way to get busted. I know guy you are. Whether a guy who was actually drunk enough to swim across the you are the Casual Out- Wabash River and got picked up on the other side. Cops love door Guy, the Don’t Go There Guy or the rare, eccentric a person who is willing to dare the unthinkable in order to Open Shirt Guy, we’re sure you’ll fit into several of these satisfy his primal urges, it is a way for them to live vicariously categories. through you, just like a mom or dad except with a big ass gun Not only that, but if you fail to find your true “guyness” via and a nightstick. So, the next time you are possessed of an serious study of these guy profiles, you will definitely find extraordinary urge to do something incredible while you are something to add to your own self-created guy category. drunk, go for it! This is the stuff of legends! From cool guy accessories like sunglasses to cool guy essen- Drunk Driving tials like the Porsche 911, you absolutely Oh man, stay out of this scene for sure. cannot go wrong. A site made by cool guys From cool This is a tried and true way to kill somebody for cool guys! dear to you or somebody dear to someone guy Not to be missed: Cool Guy Sayings. The else. You’re going to get fucked up, pay out accessories categories range from Friendly Banter to Sure, it’s a your ass and then be in some serious emo- Gangsta. like tional turmoil for years. Don’t do it unless lousy way sunglasses to you really need another keg! www.rockandrollconfidential.com cool guy to get your A website which touts the motto, “your band Assault sucks!” brings lousy local groups to the essentials kicks, but Okay, for all practical purposes there are forefront through the pure amateurism of like the two kinds, bad and good. Good assault their band photos. Of course, you can al- god damn occurs when that hairy looking monkey at Porsche 911, ways download their music and view their the bar calls your boy a pussy and you bust you it, it’s fun! websites, but why the hell would you?! his fat lip open, are tagged in the back by absolutely one of his frat brothers and you start Alright, we know exactly why. Because the cannot go squadin out on their asses and are then amount of lousy bands out there is stagger- thrown into the street to finish shit. Bad as- ing, it is absolutely essential that we laugh wrong. sault is when you hit a chick when she isn’t at these crass attempts to emulate profes- looking. sional bands. Actually, if some of these bands pulled off the look they were going for, they would be kind of cool...naw, Indecent Exposure they would still be cheesy garage rockers! I have seen way too many drunks out with their junk out to say that this is a Not to be missed: The sites daily updated Hall of Douche- rarity. Keep it in your pants until you get bags, kids who think they own your town! home unless you are a rockstar...and trust me, you’re not. You know that www.mindcontrolforums.com you’re going to accidentally rub your Alright, so this site is a little weird, even shit on somebody’s back and then for us, but it demonstrates the atrocities you’re going to be brought in for assault committed against normal human beings charges as well, Muskrat Boy! by our own government, including lots of links, references and source photos of Criminal Mischief These guys are too busy extracted, actual mind control devices. This is the one that gets me every time. waxing their legs to give Mindcontrolforums may be an affiliate of It accounts for all of those things you any problems. Go for ritualabuse.net (yeah, it’s a fucked up it! “mischief:” walking on cars, kicking out site), but they are on top of what is going windows, pouring grass killer on your on in the fucked up world of physical neighbors lawn in a giant anarchy symbol. Sure, it’s a lousy mind control. MK Ultra, represent! Mind control can also way to get your kicks, but god damn it, it’s fun! be achieved by making Not to be missed: Go kill yourself! a dude wear spandex Until next time, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! and then placing his head in this box. VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 DE FAKTO Page 10 FRESH NEWS Page 11

Sasquatch versus Chewbacca The truth about the Space time continuum

Okay, so the easiest way to explain the space time continuum is by express- ing any given object on a graph where the object s can be plotted with vectors rsu of x and y and it’s motion Ve can be described by its position, direction of mo- Time travel Stomper style! tion, and speed. This is an equation we don’t need to

examine to correlate space and time, dummy. Damn! Now, you’re probably wondering why it’s so important to un- Name: Sasquatch Name: Chewbacca derstand the concept of space, time and relativity. Well, it’s Aliases: Big Foot, Yeti, Aliases: Chewie not just because Donnie Darko was a cool movie. Actually, Wendigo Height:6’9” space time is a concept which may have more to do with the Height:7’ Weight: 263 lbs Weight: 300 lbs Attack: High Kick, concept of destiny and theories of history! Attack: Hairy Palm Slap Crossbow You know the story of relativity, there’s a gay dude jogging next to you as you stand there agape. Then, you quickly run Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuum-ble! It’s a battle of the beasts to try and catch up with him because of his sweet abs, not as they square off in the De Fakto caged death match for the like because you’re gay or anything, but because you just first time ever! Here’s the blow by blow account! want to like hang out and maybe just get to know him a little better, see how he got those sweaty pythons and stuff. So Name: Draw anyway, he’s going 0 mph when you are This is a tough one to call. Both names cruising next to him checking out his butt. I thought, Chewbacca sound equally tough for a big hairy dude. In metaphysics, we can posit that time is “wow, black clearly has the Celebrity Status: Chewbacca relative too. That is why my black friend advantage over Chewbacca clearly has the advantage over Kofi used to tell me that when I was late, I people are backwoods ass backwoods ass Sasquatch, in all probability was on “black time.” I thought, “wow, black really doing having slept with hot starlets instead of Sasquatch, in people are really doing it, they not only de- it, they not all probability small woodland creatures. veloped their own language, but now they only having slept Merchandising Success: Chewbacca have their own time?!” Crazy! But, do black people have daylight savings time? developed with hot It is clearly all Chewie here, Bob. Having starlets conquered the action figure department, We also have to take a look at the concept their own instead of Chewbacca basically owns Sasquatch’s of past, present and future. Moving through language, small smalltime operation consisting of silly t- space, you move through time...so, based but now they shirts and beer coolies. on the curvature of space time, you are in woodland have their the present. However, since the definition creatures. Nickname: Sasquatch own time?!” Alright, Chewie is a good nickname, but try of present time is merely a blip on the time- yelling that at the next party you attend. line, a point of an intersection between past That’s right, nothing can match the feverish cry of “Yeti!” as and future, it is difficult to understand where you are at any you are slamming your next beer! given time. Fear Factor: Sasquatch Anyway, it is conceivable that while Come on, how scary is a dude in an ape suit running around just as many people are living in the in the woods? Yeah, thought so. Fuckin creepy! past, you know, hangin back, chillin with the rest of the fogies, just toolin Credibility: Chewbacca along; there are conceivably just as This is really the rub, folks. It is a lot easier to believe in many living in the future! I know Chewbacca than it is some prehistoric missing link character you’ve seen these dickheads, also roaming the wilds of America. Evolution, faw! In the future we will all have known as ravers, candy flippers and flying cars! club kids. They have advanced into Chewie opens with a grimacing leg sweep, though he is such a state of “future life” that they clearly outweighed by Sasquatch, he puts up a brutal assault aren’t even aware that they look like a bunch of day-glo front which nearly devastates “Squatch” in the preliminary douche bags to the rest of us present people. round. Sasquatch counters with repeated arm bashes which cut glancing blows to Chewie’s wooly hide. Chewie takes a Anyway, all bias aside, since stars make space time bend, we bite out of Sasquatches ear and Han Solo tags in for the cli- can say that people on earth live closer to a crucial curvature mactic final blow! Chewie erupts in typical victory yodel! in space time, so therefore we may have the unprecedented WINNER: Chewbacca opportunity to actually live as physical entities with a gravity, consciousness and gay joggers. Dumb, huh? That’s space Next time! Layne Staley versus Kurt Cobain...you all lose! time!