Birds, Booze and Bulldozers

BB&B_v3-1.qxd 26/10/2007 2:37 pm Page 1 Birds, Booze and Bulldozers a novel by Peter Styles small world media BB&B_v3-1.qxd 26/10/2007 2:37 pm Page 2 SMALL WORLD PUBLISHING Knocknaquirk Magheramore County Wicklow Ireland www.smallworldmedia.ie First published by SMALL FICTION, November 2007 Trade enquiries to 00 353 [0]87 955 1504 (Ireland, Europe) [email protected] © Peter Styles ISBNs: 978 0 9554634 5 7 [hardback] 978 0 9554634 3 3 [trade paperback] All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, in print or web, or in any information storage or retrival system. All usage, aside from reviews, quotations and short excerpts, by writers, reporters, journalists, editors, academics, researchers or activists must be agreed in advance with SMALL WORLD MEDIA. A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library Cover and book design, typesetting: SMALL WORLD BOOK SERVICES Cover artwork: Polyp Printed by La Grafica Nuova S.C.R.L., Torino BB&B_v3-1.qxd 26/10/2007 2:37 pm Page 3 This novel is dedicated to anyone who has ever:– climbed up, ran at, sat on, locked-on to, obstructed, lit, built, organised, attended, barricaded, chopped, pedalled, licked, folded, done jail for, donated, sabotaged, ‘stolen’, sung, commissioned or proofread anything to make planet earth more sustainable. It is also for all who have wrestled; argued the toss with, thwarted, been arrested by, leafleted, phoned, picketed, camped with, supported, boycotted, defended, observed, catered for, pied, slept with and even voted for anyone in order to stand up for what we stand upon. You know who you are. Peter Styles, August 2007 Acknowledgements The following people should be singled out for being great in various ways that have nothing to do with lentilism: Ed Cancela, Sandor Dus, Tammi Dallaston Wood, Kairen Hancock, Sue Hendra, Brian Kemp, Oz Mansions, David & Ashlene Millard, Paul Linnet, Mike Yeoman, Chris Yianni and my family. These folks deserve special mention for remembering specific hippy-type stuff: Helen B, Roger Geffen, Jim Hindle, Becca Lush, Alex Plows, Paul Monaghan, Quartermaster Nick, Jason Torrance, Paul Williamson and Chris Woodford. This lot helped magnificently in physically getting the book together: Robert Allen, Anne Addicott, Paul Fitzgerald, Allan Robinson and Gemma Sayers. And finally thanks for all those who’ve managed to make progress on the issues covered in this novel since the mad old days ‘ended’. You know, little things like the shelving of the roads programme and the self-determination of East Timor. P.S. A 2006 survey found the Desmoulins whorl snail to be extinct in the Newbury area. BB&B_v3-1.qxd 26/10/2007 2:37 pm Page 4 BB&B_v3-1.qxd 26/10/2007 2:37 pm Page 5 5 PART ONE: CRIME CHAPTER 1 SUMMER 1993 ‘Can you draw cartoons?’ ‘No.’ ‘Do you have a reputation in the world of comic writing?’ ‘Umm ... no. Got me there, but I’ve got some great ideas, like Placenta Playcentre.’ ‘Go on.’ ‘Well, it’s about an old woman who keeps her mouldy afterbirth to turn into a children’s playground. She applies for funding and all sorts.’ ‘Where is this Viz comic based?’ ‘Newcastle.’ ‘Fancy moving up there?’ ‘No.’ Here I am, in Worthing Job Club being interrogated. Ken Bierce is his name – ruining my summer is his game. Only graduated five minutes ago and the bastard wants me to think about what I want to do next. I’d like to say ‘Have a fucking rest after jumping through grade-shaped hoops since I was five.’ Three glorious years in Manchester is a fast fading memory as I’m cooped up with this prick. He may be wearing loafers on his feet but part of the Slacker Generation he is certainly not. Freedom – that’s what I’m after. That lofty concept which covers everything from having an extra chocolate biscuit with your tea to not getting your bollocks electrocuted in a Turkish prison. Doing precisely what I want for a while. Going to work for some smelly fucker who’s older than my dad isn’t on that list. I know Worthing’s a shit hole – they hold the World Bowls Championships here every year – probably cos nowhere else can be bothered. Don’t worry – I’ll do something big, soon. No fucking idea BB&B_v3-1.qxd 26/10/2007 2:37 pm Page 6 6 what, when or indeed why. But like I said, no biggie. Oh, how very rude of me. Lester Stype’s the name, pleased to meet you. Twenty-two going on six, and up for a summer of absolutely fuck all. ‘Look, I just want some time to find myself,’ I say to him. Find myself a big fat beer garden and swig my way through the afternoon more like. ‘In my day ...’ Oh here we go. ‘... we didn’t have that luxury. Had my first job just before I was sixteen – fishmonger’s boy, up at five to meet the boats. Anyway – that’s the best way of “finding yourself” as you call it – good honest work.’ ‘I’ve been sweating on my finals like a dog with four ... legs.’ I was going to say ‘cocks’ but this is a guy who thinks listening to Van Morrison is risqué. ‘Look, you may not want a career just yet, but there are other options,’ he says. I’m looking out of the window, there’s a grey squirrel chasing another one. Is a fight on? Potential shag? If so, is it consensual or against her little squirrel will? ‘Hmm,’ any enthusiasm in my response is stillborn. It’s harassment – pure and simple. ‘Have you considered voluntary work? Lots of organisations could use a hand from a bright lad like you.’ ‘S’pose they could.’ I’ve put the A3 piece of paper stating I’m a bright lad in a cheap frame on my parents’ wall. ‘How about working with the elderly, or a youth group? Have you ever had much contact with the disabled?’ Appetising as a cup of cold sick stirred by a turd. The turd has a beard and is called Ken. I shake my head. The bigger squirrel has the other trapped on a twig. Whatever it wants – looks like it’s gonna get it – and for better or worse I’ve got a ringside seat. ‘What do you think then, something voluntary? You’d get some really good experience, eh?’ Make it stop – please. There were better ways of spending a July afternoon than this. A whole world out there – women, beer, laughs – the whole early twenties shebang. And yet here I am chewing the fat with a man who’s not a woman, beer or even a laugh. Time for evasive action. Come on brain say something. ‘Well – I am a member of the Green Party.’ Where the fuck did that come from? I know I did join but surely ‘I’ve got AIDS’ or ‘I love you’ would have done just as well. My brother’s partner dropped a kid on the day the Berlin Wall fell. I kind of looked down at the cute little gurgling fella and thought – the planet’ll be fucked when he’s my age. ‘Excellent,’ sniffs Ken, chalking up another victory against sloth. BB&B_v3-1.qxd 26/10/2007 2:37 pm Page 7 7 ‘Give them a ring, I’m sure they’ll have something for you.’ What a wanker. On the plus side, I’ve never seen squirrels do that before. Tick in the box. ‘Hello Green Party, can I help you?’ ‘Er, yeah. I’ve just graduated and I’m interested in doing some voluntary work.’ The voice on the other end of the phone is warm, friendly and female. Maybe a summer doing something worthy might not be such a pain in the arse after all. At least not for me – I’m not sure what I meant by that but it had nothing to do with bum touching – men’s bum touching. ‘A lot of our work is organised on a regional basis. Whereabouts do you live?’ I say Worthing dejectedly. Phonetically it even sounds sadder than Manchester. ‘I can put you in touch with a local contact if you like. Isn’t there a proposed new road scheme going on down that way?’ This bird knows her stuff. Wonder if she’s as impressive in the flesh? I show off my hippy knowledge with ‘Yeah, the A27 bypass and shit.’ ‘Well, the contact is ...’ I can hear the tapping of a keyboard. ‘Stewart Johnson. Do you have a pen handy?’ Why can’t I have her phone number? The Green Party 0898 Line. Still, better try ringing this Johnson bloke – but later. Life’s too short to bust balls on a lovely sunny day like this. Besides, this Job Club phone booth smells of doleys. Have you read ‘Trainspotting’ yet? ‘kin great – if only I could understand what they say. Perhaps they’ll make a film of it some day. I suppose voluntary work could kill some time. For the last couple of years I’ve given my £8 a year membership to the Green Party – to keep my conscience clear, you know. Fuck knows what they do with it to save the planet? Up till now it’s been an S.E.P – someone else’s problem – the best kind. What am I letting myself in for? Looks like I’ve really stuck my cock in the good ideas machine – and shafted it.

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