Five Years of Hell And One Very Torrid Love Affair Begin.

For five long and torturous years I have dreamt of devils and stop signs and large red trucks, dying babies spewing green vomit, coiled snakes, black bodies and burning bridges fill my dreams. Even today the night terrors continue as I lay very ill and uninsured in the United States of America.

I made a single bad decision five years ago, to quit my job and move to another state to be near my grown children, also giving up my health insurance, and that bad decision left me where I am now, half dead and sitting outdoors on an ex-boyfriend’s porch swing, uninsured, rotting and starving and so scared, that my teeth would chatter and my knees would wobble, like an old fashion cartoon character. I sit on this swing for 18 hours a day, waiting for doctor appointments alone, and then one sunny South West Florida day, I met Kirk.

Kirk is much like a block of ice amongst the glaciers, smooth on the outside, hard bodied, cool, and hidden in the wrong spot at the right time, could sink even the strongest of ships, much like the iceberg that took down the Titanic. He’s a storm all right, and my not heeding the warning signals of my gut on getting involved with Kirk start yet another stretch of terrifying events.

I’ve known Kirk for about three months, yet strangely I am not even sure what he looks like. In the commotion of erratic chaos he’s a blur. I do know he is largely endowed, because he would rub up against me sometimes while I was making garlic patches in my ex boyfriends kitchen, the patches consisted of raw chopped garlic smothered on top of tin foil, and I would tape these patches to my back in a desperate attempt to stop a tapeworm from eating my back muscle.

Kirk took a liking to me I guess. He would come sit on the swing with me for hours, most of the time he would be in a drunken stupor, he prayed with me every day and he liked to sing Hallelujah in a slow melancholy way. “I can summon the Holy Spirit in an instant,” he would say. He tells me about a train wreck that took his sisters life, and how he watched her beheaded, then he sings Hallelujah some more, huge tears splashing from his eyes. There’s a stench of alcohol on his breath, and a wretched look of horror on his face, as well as some kind of strange glow to him.

I was losing grip, slipping away into the darkness, face to face with life’s biggest and final demon, the demon of death. Very, very ill sitting in the hot Florida sun for hours on end, my once perfect creamy white skin had become dry and burnt, raw and shriveled, my once bright blue eyes had now become gray and tired, half open, lifeless. I was in a state of shock, overwhelmed, ignored and dying of a severe strain of food poisoning. I was salivating wildly, spitting huge blobs of mucus on the dirt beneath my feet on the swing and chain smoking Pall Mall cigarettes.

Kirk arrives and shows me how to order my own medications online from another country, and he offers to pay for the meds with his credit card that’s declined. I am happy for the help regardless and hopeful that with Kirks help I might survive this illness. He tells me I am pretty and tries to look up my skirt, I get offended and run to a neighbor’s house a block away in my jammies and ask her if I can stay the night with her and she lets me. This same scenario goes on and on night after night with Kirk, only I don’t run to the neighbors anymore, now I hide in my room.

I am devising a plan to get this infection out of my body. I need someone just a little crazy and filled with faith and Kirk is the one. Kirk is lurking outside my window in the thorny brush drunk and telling me lies, devising his own plan to sleep with me. After several days I allow Kirk into my room. I discuss my plan with him to get a parasite out of my body that spawned from the awful food poisoning. Kirk agrees to help. He tells me he needs to get some kind of magic flower that will help with any infection. He calls his Mexican friend who once had a mysterious infection in his leg and the doctors were going to cut off his friend’s leg, “boil the flower” says the Mexican friend, “pour the flowers juice on the part of your body that’s infected, and you will be healed!”

Kirk and I drive feverously to the Mexicans home, Kirk is driving 60 MPH on a 35 MPH street and I am puking out the car window and choking on huge blobs of mucus as we arrive at the Mexicans home and retrieve the magic flower. Back at home Kirk makes a potion lotion out of the flower , he boils the flower with Crisco oil and slathers some on my belly and back, and then Kirk drinks the rest.

I fight Kirk off me most the night and the noise wakes up my ex-boyfriend that owns the home I am staying at, and this angers my ex so much that in the morning Kirk is banned from the house and I am told to start looking for a new place to live. I tell Kirk that the flower potion did nothing for my illness and I discuss a new plan with him to cut the parasite out. I show Kirk many U tube clips on how this is done and arrange to meet him in secret later that night.

I buy an Exacto knife and some peroxide and meet Kirk in the park around 5:00, we sit in his beat up white work van and Kirk inspects the razor. A police car enters the park and circles around and then leaves, Kirk is unfazed by the strange presence of the police car and tells me to lift up my shirt, I do, and he takes the razor and slices me across the rib cage. It bleeds only a little, but hurts a lot, and the cut is not nearly deep enough to squeeze a parasite out of and I am faint and in shock and pain, somehow watching the U tube clips on worm self extraction I missed that it would be painful, We decide to try the worm extraction another day.

Back at my ex-boyfriend’s house I sit on my swing alone again, all my belongings are in my car, I had packed up my belongings early in the morning as instructed by my ex. I drive around the small town and find a silly little pink, shack apartment for $700 a month, and I move into the apartment the next day. I drive over to Kirks home and try to discuss with him the next attempt to extract the worm. Kirk has put together a new cut kit and I am impressed. He has purchased a new razor and some gauze and some red wine. On Kirks back lanai I lift up my dress and tuck it between my breasts and Kirk makes a trial cut on my side to test the razors sharpness. Kirk slashes me with the razor across my side and a dark red blob of blood drizzles down my skin, his hands are all over me, fondling me and I can’t focus, an overwhelming desire to run takes over me and I hop in my car and drive back to my silly little pink apartment. The next night I drive back over to Kirks to try the worm extraction again. I can feel the worm slithering around in my belly and eating pathways through my fat. Tapeworms move throughout the entire body, they do not just stay inside the colon. I am wearing a pale green strapless dress and very little make up, feeling confident today that Kirk and I can cut a deep enough hole in my belly fat to squeeze the worm through. But when I arrive at Kirks he is already drunk, I had asked him to stay sober for the cut, but he did not listen. I get the cut kit ready and Kirks hands are all over my body again, he is caressing my hips and thighs and once again I cannot concentrate. We end up making love on his queen size bed several times instead of doing the cut. After the love making I am hot with anger and screaming. I realize Kirk is not really concerned with my health, he just want’s sex. I hop in my car and once again drive home to my silly apartment. I scream at Kirk over the phone and he offers to pay for a doctor appointment for me in the morning.

In the daylight Kirk gives me his credit card and I take a jar of brown, smelly, mucusy spit to the walk in clinic. The doctor tells me he doesn’t know of any test for parasites through saliva, instead he orders a blood test for blood parasites, I go to the lab where they take 4 vials of blood, however I know the parasites are not in my blood, they’re in my body fat and back muscle! I can feel the parasites slithering inside me unrelentlessly. The lab tells me to wait a week for the results. A waste of time, money and blood! And I am furious.

After the blood draw Kirk tells me to meet him at his work site and that we can order a biopsy punch, ( a round razor) that will punch through my skin to make the hole for the tapeworm extraction easier than an Exacto knife. I arrive at Kirks workplace where he is installing a beautiful marble sink top in a high dollar luxurious condo. As soon as I enter the condo Kirk lifts up my dress and begins to caress me and we make love on the couch for about 3 minutes. I am confused, I have just given 4 vials of blood, I am hot, sweaty and spitty. I look at Kirk and to my surprise he looks confused as well, both of us not knowing what’s happening in the heat of the moment in beautiful South west Florida. I fix my dress and tell Kirk I am going downstairs to his van to order the biopsy punch. I struggle with his iPhone in the van, it’s 90 degrees outside and there is no a/c and I have never used an iPhone before. I am sweating profusely and spitting mucus on the ground outside the van door. My mind is racing and the band from the blood draw around my arm is too tight. Kirk comes down from the condo and tries to help. He cannot remember his password to buy the biopsy punch and makes several attempts s before he loses his cool and throws the iPhone in my lap and tells me “you’re distracting me from my work.” I look at Kirk directly for the first time and we share one of those strange moments of silence, where time seems to stand still, my heart does a strange leap in my chest as I look deeply into Kirks eyes and I think I love him.

Kirk returns to the condo and I hop into my car and drive home, leaving

Kirks iPhone and credit card in his van and not saying goodbye.

He calls me an hour later after discovering that I am gone. He says he is not happy with me. I fall into a deep sleep filled with nightmares of evil nurses with black teeth asking for money in the hospital E.R. and of another wicked nurse with fake blonde hair and a fake evil smile asking me for insurance. Evil doctors illegally asking me “where do you work?” where do you live?”

“Why haven’t you gone to a specialist?” all questions to find out if I have money or not. My anxiety soars as they discharge me time and time again from the E.R. for lack of ability to pay. The horror sends off a chain reaction of every horrifying event in my life, the cat I once saw ran over in the street, still alive with its hind legs smashed and stuck to the pavement, wriggling in agony, my neighbors boyfriend picking his nose, a pair of dogs with pups in the field starving and dying of Parvo, Jesus wriggling on the cross. And I awake gasping in horror as one horrid memory leads to another. I sit up and stare at a picture of Jesus on my bedroom wall. I flip on my cd player and play a gospel cd. How Great Thou Art song fills the bedroom. Kirk call’s and says he is coming by with chicken wings for my birthday.

He arrives twenty minutes later looking very sweet and yummy and we eat the chicken wings together and make love several times. After the love making Kirk tells me “now we are one.” He leaves in the morning and I sit and ponder his words to me the entire day, trying to deny my desire for more of him.

The Petrol

The cut to extract the tapeworm is being ignored and I am getting upset. I order some deworming medications online, Praziquantel, Albendazole, and

Ivermectin. It will take a month for these meds to get here so I also order some deworming herbs from Humaworm containing garlic, cloves and wormwood, these will get here quicker but I cannot sit still for a week and wait. I search for information on worm killing online and find the U.S. army survival handbook instructions for killing human parasites. “Drink petrol” it says. Petrol? What is petrol? and where can I get it? I discover that petrol is gasoline, and I can get it now, today, at the local gas station!

My hearts pounding frantically as I jump into my blue station wagon and head for the gas station. I am un-showered, wearing a bright yellow halter dress with no bra, my blonde hair is in a pony tail that I slept in and the a/c doesn’t work in my car. It’s 89 degrees out and I am sweating and smelly. I am having some kind of strange panic attack mixed with joy that the gasoline may work, and I will be healed. At the pump I insert my debit card and try to look nonchalant as I put a few gallons of gas in the car, I grab an old empty pomegranate juice bottle from the floor of my filthy, cluttered car and take the nozzle from the tank and insert it into the juice bottle, looking around me wide eyed and frantic hoping no one will see me, no one is looking, and the gas is coming out too fast, it splashes against the juice bottle and on to my hands so I release the button with my finger, replace the nozzle and speed off, a cigarette burns diligently in my ashtray. I am driving around and around in circles, panicking, my mind swirling, my heart racing, I am lost, looking for a place to pull over to drink the gasoline. It feels as if I am standing still while cars speed by me in a blur.

I pull over to little park with a huge fig tree, there no one around except one little old lady at the park bench eating a sandwich. I take the cigarette out of the ash tray and take a very, very long drag. The ashes spill onto my yellow dress. My car now reeks of the smell of gasoline, and I am panicking. I reach into my purse and light another cigarette and call a friend. “I can’t do this alone,” I tell her, and explain my plan to drink the gasoline. She supports me in every way and tells me to just drink a cap full. I had learned earlier that it is safe to drink a little bit of gasoline a day. It’s hot in my car and I am sweating, but calmer with her on the phone. I pour the gas into the cap and notice a dead gnat floating in the cap filled with the gas, I close my eyes and drink it down, gnat included. It doesn’t burn at all going down, but the taste is brutal, more than awful, and that’s all I have to say about that. I drive home and sit on my swing, and begin to burp up the gasoline. Burping gasoline continues the entire day. And the parasite is unfazed.

The Pet Mart I learn online that I can buy animal deworming medicine from the local pet store so I drive over to the Pet Mart and purchase 2 boxes of large dog de- wormer meds containing Praziquantel. I sit in my car in the Pet Mart parking lot and open the package and pop the chewable meds in my mouth and swallow them down. Then I return home to wait to see what happens. My phone makes two beep’s, it’s a text message from Kirk. I open my phone and there’s a picture of a biopsy punch on his night stand, and the words

“Time for action”.

I jump in my car and race over to Kirks, the dog pills that I took earlier are making me extremely nauseous. Upon arriving at Kirk’s home I walk right into the sliding glass door thinking he left it open for me and the pomegranate juice in my hand spills all over my dress, Kirk has just gotten out of the shower and is admiring himself in the bath room mirror.“ Hope you are ready babe,” he says. I have someone who is going to prepare a shot for you, for the pain, and we have to drive an hour away to the Cape to get it. I am ready to go, tired, it’s 11pm, and feeling very sick from the dog wormer pills, Kirk is on the phone conducting business and 2 hours go by. I am getting angry, I am ready to go now! The worm is awake and biting me, I think I am going to vomit and am feeling very hot. I tell Kirk that I am going home and to come get me when he is ready to go, Kirk is angry, wonders why I don’t have any patience, even though I told him I took the dog wormer. He pinches my arm hard and I want to cry. I jump into my car and go home to my silly pink apartment and Kirk follows me in his van. We have to wait until tomorrow for the novocaine shot, it’s 2am and too late for cut tonight.

The Action

It’s a beautiful day in S.W. Florida, 75 degrees and a gentle wind is blowing.

There’s a few clouds in the beautiful blue sky and it looks like it may rain, but it doesn’t. Today I think my whole life is going to change. Kirk is doing the cut today with the biopsy punch. He picks me up at 1:00pm and I am calm and happy. We stop at a dive Mexican liquor store where they make pork tacos in the back and order some tacos to go. The Mexicans making the tacos all look dazed and tired and are moving very slow, I feel like I am watching a slow motion movie, in the poor desolate labor areas here.

We drive over an hour to Cape, and Kirk is being smart. He won’t stop talking about sex and I don’t like it. But I put up with it because I love him. The home we are going to is of a man named Eddie, a good friend of Kirks. Eddie is an older man, well off and intelligent. He’s gray haired and kind and I like him. Years ago Eddies daughter had a mysterious disease that was eating her flesh and the Florida doctors were going to let her die because she was uninsured and Kirk bought the girl a plane ticket to another state, where the doctors saved her from a horrific death.

We sit and eat some tacos at Eddie’s house and I am anxious and excited for the punch! Everything seems perfect and we have a shot of novocaine and the sterile biopsy punch. Kirks been drinking so I am concerned, I ask him to take it easy on the beer but he ignores me and opens another bottle. We lay the cut kit out on the table in the back yard by the pool, Eddie gives me several shots of novocaine in the side, I tell Kirk and Eddie that I really think we need to cut the belly fat, but Kirk insists on doing it in my side. I ask Eddie to give me a novocaine shot in the belly also, just in case the side does not work. 5 minutes after the shot my side is completely numb and Kirk takes the punch and stabs me with it, it goes about a half inch deep and a small flesh plug comes out and a few drops of dark red blood. I tell Kirk it’s not deep enough and that I can feel a worm roaming around right under the punch area but it’s not deep enough. He won’t listen, he has me sit there for 20-30 minutes and nothing comes out. I can feel the worm there but it cannot come out, it’s not deep enough into my fat. Kirk is drunk and won’t listen. He starts insinuating that I am crazy and laughing inappropriately and I am getting furious.

I ask Eddie if we can do another novocaine shot in the belly area, deeper into the fat but Eddie is now swayed by Kirks ridiculous remark that I am possibly crazy and won’t do it. I call a friend in another state who has known me a very long time and ask her to please talk some sense into Kirk, I am scared and having severe anxiety over this, but I am not crazy. The cut just is not deep enough and that’s all. Kirks accusations are not funny to me. I feel

very betrayed. I have enough stress with the doctors laughing at my parasite infection that I do not want Kirk torturing me the same. I tell him I want to go home NOW! Kirk says if I want to go home now, then I have to take a cab. I put my cut kit into my black bag and walk out the door. I don’t have money for a cab, so I walk about 10 minutes burning off steam. I really don’t know where I am or what direction to go in, I am not familiar with the Cape at all. There’s several cars going by and I try to flag one down for help. I am wearing a short black cotton halter dress with a pink bra showing. It takes me less than two minutes for a car to stop and help. His name is Kyle. He’s 22 and very calm and handsome. I tell him I just had an argument with my boyfriend and I am out here alone and lost and ask if he can take me home. He says he is going a different direction but will take me a little ways closer to my apartment. Kyle tells me he is a mechanic and married and having some relationship problems. We get to talking and he decides he can go ahead and take me all the way home. I am relieved, it’s a good hour drive. Kirk text’s me about ten times and calls about 20 times. I do not answer. I am livid hot about his accusations, the cut simply is not deep enough and that’s that. They keep thinking the worms are under my skin and will come out, even though I have told them over and over and over that they are in my fat and muscles, not under my skin. I have a huge hole in my side, but at this time still cannot feel any pain. I know the cut needs to go deeper. I am exhausted from arguing with Kirk and need to lie down and rest awhile. Kirk text’s and I tell him he is a Judas-betraying me big time. I don’t hear from him again and I am glad. If he is not for me and supporting me than I do not ever wish to talk to him again-ever! I rest awhile and decide to do the deeper cut myself. I have one more shot in my bag and the biopsy punch. My plan is to go to the doctors on Monday and make the cut wider and deeper in the car until the worms are emerging, and then go into the doctor’s office with the worm hanging out of me, I am done with Kirk, except for this twinge of desire in my loins. I awake at 9:30 the next morning and inspect the hole in my side, it’s clean and for some reason doesn’t hurt. Deep underneath the cut I can feel the tapeworm gurgling and wiggling around as if it too is just waking up. And I realize I am going to have to do the extraction alone. I want to run away, but I have nowhere else to go, so I sit on my swing and chain smoke Pall malls.

My phone beeps two beeps and it’s Kirk, I am ignoring him, my head hot with anger I feel like an old cartoon character with a bright red face and steam coming out my ears. I ignore his text and pour a cup of hot coffee, I am out of cream so I open a can of coconut milk, pour it into the coffee and gulp it down, my mouth fills with the sweet, heavy taste of coconut cream, masking the bitter taste of mucusy spit I have endured for months. I want to cry but I can’t, I’ve dried up and reached some point of emotional trauma where no tears can reach. This disturbs me, tears are healing, and none will surface. I wonder if I will ever get through this, and there are worms still wiggling inside me and Kirk has made a fool of me. I should have never started a sexual tie with him, he is near impossible to shake off. Life doesn’t stop for the sick, people don’t stop playing their games and I conclude that the world is an evil place. I pick up my phone and text Kirk that “ I am done”, he text’s back

“whatever you want.” I head to the post office and in my mail box are the herbs from Humaworm, they contain garlic, wormwood and cloves, and I pop them into my mouth and swallow 2 of them down. There are 120 capsules that I will take over the next 30 days. Kirk text’s me a few more ghostly text’s, not really saying anything but fishing to see if I am still angry. I send him a text stating he is a liar and Kirk loses his cool, he tells me off and I text him that I am tired of trying to reason with a drunk. The last text of the day from Kirk reads, “peace, I loved you.” I lay on my sweet king size bed alone and fall asleep until morning. I dreamt of red spiders and stop signs and Satan standing in my room pulling close the curtains snickering and laughing and staring at, glaring at me, cold, wicked, and straight in the eyes. I awake gasping and wondering how I can ever stop this chain of evil that is destroying me. I make a garlic patch for my back, chopped up garlic on tin foil, and I tape it to my back where the tapeworm is slithering up and down eating a pathway for its home in my back muscle. I have been making garlic patches for a while now, the worms hate it and stops the slithering temporarily. I remember when

Kirk once told me how he always thought of spaghetti when around me due to the enormous smell of garlic coming off me, and I chuckle, and drink down 2 more Humaworm pills. Kirk text’s and tells me he is coming by to give me $60 he owes me, I tell him I am not home, even though I am.

In the early evening I decide to go to the local pub and see who I can meet to help me. There are several men sitting at the bar and not many women there. I take a seat at the bar and a man sends me a glass of pink wine, I guzzle it down and he sends another, and then another. The man asks me to dance and twirl s me around the dance floor, and I begin to feel dizzy. I have drunken 3 glasses of wine in less than 30 minutes and I am positive I am going to vomit. I sit back on my bar stool and ask the bartender for a cup of coffee but there’s a strong burning in my throat and I know the vomit is coming quickly. I grab my purse and speed home. The minute I arrive at my apartment I throw up violently in the toilet. I lay down for the night, and there’s a text from Kirk saying “I love you.” I ignore the text and fall asleep surrounded by the putrid smell of wine and vomit. I awake the next morning again with a gasp of horror. I dreamt of Satan again, dressed in all black and standing above a dirt grave and twirling a shovel in his hands. My grave I suppose.

I spit a huge slimy blob of infection into a jar and shower. After showering I open my cut kit and contemplate doing the worm extraction myself. I remember a story I once heard about a man who was out hiking in the woods and got his arm trapped under a rock. The man had to chew off his own arm to survive. He chewed through flesh and veins and bone and he did indeed survive, so making a small cut in my fat seemed easy enough in comparison. I light a cigarette, I have switched brands and am now smoking Camels. I stare at my cut kit and fear overwhelms me. My knees go weak and

I feel like I am going to pass out from the horror of all of this. The phone rings and it’s the lab with my blood test results. They tell me I am positive for

H. Pylori, Salmonella and E-coli. The doctor has called in a script for antibiotics. I head to the local pharmacy and try to pick up the script, the clerk tells me that they cost $525.00 I franticly call my doctor and tell him I have no insurance and cannot get my antibiotics, he kindly rewrites the script to a less expensive antibiotic and I fill the script at the grocery store for $26.00 My cell phone holds several text’s from Kirk saying he wants to apologize, and I feel a twinge of desire that outbids a strong sense of danger and head to his home. After an hour or so at Kirks I return to my pink apartment largely disappointed. There was no apology from Kirk, only his hands all over me caressing me and his uncontrollable lust for sex. I sit on my swing and it begins to rain, the rain here in beautiful S.W. Florida is gentle and the rain flows out of a beautiful Florida sky like sheets of shimmering silver. The rain is soothing and I am under a canopy that hangs over my swing so I lay down on the swing and watch the rain for hours.

I think of a friend of mine who was very ill with spleen cancer only a few months ago, she ran around to emergency doctors for a year to no avail, she too was uninsured. Finally when the cancer was in stage 4 and ready to take her life the emergency room took her in and put her on disability, she died four days later in the Arkansas hospital, the disability funds stuck in her bank account in only her name and the family couldn’t get to the funds, even to bury her body. So she was cremated. I have applied for disability and am very afraid this could happen to me, so I call Kirk and tell him I am opening a bank account and putting his name on the account so he can bury me properly. I feel a small gurgling in my belly the large worm is wiggling and gurgling like a baby, but this is not a baby in my gut, it is a deadly parasite. I step inside my apartment bathroom and look in the mirror, there are huge dark circles under my tired eyes and my skin is dry and spotted. I pull long strings of mucus from my eyes and nose and retreat to my old 1940’s checkered couch and place my face in my hands to cry, there still are no tears.

The Bad Doctor

I go inside and I make another doctor appointment , I need to figure out why I am spitting all the mucus and why it is coming out my nose and eyes in long strings, I’ve finished my ten days of the cheap antibiotics. A week later I arrive at the low income doctor’s office. The doctor calls my name after a long hour wait and I explain to him about the mucus, “it’s allergies” he tells me, I to argue with him explaining that I have lived in Florida 8 years and never had allergies before, the tall mean doctor nastily screams at me “ I said its allergies”, and then tells me to leave. I go into shock at the mean tempered doctor’s unwillingness to figure out the real cause of all the mucus and spit and inwardly howl in fear and dismay. My body begins to shake and my hands tremble, the doctor has left the room and my mouth is filled with globs of mucusy spit, I spit the huge blob onto the evil doctors door knob and a moment later he returns to the room, I watch as his hand grabs the door knob covered in spit and then I get up and walk out of the nasty doctor’s office.

Allergies huh? Then I guess this doctor doesn’t have to worry about contracting anything, does he? I drive an hour home in horrible construction and traffic, beside myself with sickening suffering and horror. I now realize I am getting no help from any doctor without having insurance and I scream. The doctors are traumatizing me and I don’t want to go to them anymore.

It’s up to me to find a way to get the gigantic parasite out of my belly. I give the parasite a name, I call it Harod. I also name the tapeworm in my back muscle, I call it Caesar. I sip on hot coffee with cream and then guzzle some carrot juice, I had read online that carrots kill worms. I am not feeling well at all. My back is aching and my brain feels like it is vibrating and being squeezed. I heat up a 99 cent TV dinner in the microwave and swallow 2 more Humaworm capsules. My hands are shaking and dry and the window air conditioner in the small apartment is too loud. Everything is bothering me today and I am feeling disappointment and anxiety. I am tired of everyone’s trivial excuses for not helping me. I am being wronged and I am dizzy and afraid. I decide to take a long, hot shower and in the shower I scrub my dry skin with an apricot scrub, I accidently rub the apricot scrub into my eyes and my eyes are now burning, I ignore the pain and do a quick shampoo and shave my legs and then exit the shower and pull on a silky red and blue peacock print sun dress and lay on the old checkered couch. I need to purchase car insurance so I start looking up insurance quotes online, while spitting blobs of mucus into a jar. I am too stressed to buy the car insurance today so I set the phone down and stare a greenish gold ugly curtains came with this silly apartment. ”Jesus, I am So In Love With You” plays softly on the cd player, and for an out of character moment, I wonder if there really even is a God. Then my phone beeps two beeps, it’s a text from Kirk.

I pack my cut kit and head to his house, taking a long look in the mirror before I leave, I see a reflection of a timid and kind girl with pretty golden hair and a look of terror on her face, the image startles me. I ignore it and hop in my car and arrive at Kirks around 9pm. He greets me with a solid, long, hard hug and I feel a sense of calm wash over me, he then lays me on the bed and makes love to me softly. He gets up and asks me if I am hungry, he reheats some left over linguini and makes us both a very large plate and a nice salad with cut up apples. After eating we lay down on the bed again and Kirk stares at me directly and holds his gaze and for the first time I really see his face, and he’s gorgeous. He has the longest eyelashes and a chiseled face with sweet brown eyes and a dimple on his chin. He normally wears plastic framed black glasses and this is the first time I have seen him without his glasses on. I also notice that my gorgeous Kirk has two lazy eyes! Without his thick rimmed glasses he is cross eyed! It doesn’t make any difference about anything, at this point I am in love and even his flaws are adorable to me. There are sparks in his kisses tonight and I like it. We make love again and the love making is different this time, I am

puzzled by this, I am experiencing a pleasure I have never experienced before. I lie in his arms for a while as he falls asleep, then return home in the middle of the night and fall into a deep sleep myself.

Kirk text’s me in the afternoon asking me to come to his home again for dinner, I ask him if could please come to my apartment instead, he tells me “no” because he “likes his house”, I tell him “everyone likes their own home.”

After an hour of arguing I text Kirk “goodnight,” and he texts back “night nothing!” and half hour later he is at my front door. We make love and fall asleep and in the morning he is wanting more, we make love again and then he sits on my old torn up lazy boy recliner sipping coffee and making notes in his note book while I am sitting on the old checkered couch talking to him, Kirk looks up and tells me he has heard nothing of what I said. That explains a lot. I change the sheets on my bed and he asks me if I want to go to breakfast, I decline and so he leaves. I sit on the couch and spit infection into a jar and chain smoke, and I am feeling very, very weak. Later Kirk text’s me a picture of a pot of spaghetti boiling on his stove top and the words, “come for food”. I can feel Harod slithering up my back and I am terrified. I ask Kirk again to try to cut the worm out of me and he agrees to try again. I lay on my bed and play a movie called The Miracle Maker, a cartoon Claymation about the life of Jesus Christ, tears start to swell in my eyes and two salty tear drops fall onto my cheeks and drizzle into my mouth, the tear drops mix with the horrid taste of bile or worm goo and the taste is wretched, I text Kirk and ask him to come over and get this parasite out of me right now, he complains and tells me he just made spaghetti, I scream to God, “what’s wrong with your people?” No one has any concept of urgency!

The Rug

I go for a drive and see a new roll of carpet by the side of the road in front of a huge mansion, I despise the tile in my apartment and think I could lay the carpet over the linoleum so I stop and put the roll of carpet into the back of my car. The next thing I know mosquitos are flying all around the inside of my car stinging my flesh over and over again, I race home and pull the carpet out of the car and a cloud of mosquitos fly all around me biting me on every inch of my exposed skin. I am terrified and run into my apartment , there are red bite lumps all over my body, stinging and itchy. I pour peroxide all over my body and take a bath, when I lay down the tapeworm inside me is wiggling and biting me and I experience a horror and level of suffering that can only be called living hell.

My daughter calls and suggests I make an appointment with a holistic doctor, so I find a holistic doctor online who is Catholic and make an appointment.

The Herb Doctor

My daughter and her aunt have been pressing me a long time to try holistic medicine. I find a Holistic doctor on the internet, Saint something holistic healing. I am excited, the religious name makes me believe that the doctor will be hearing from God as to how to treat me.

The doctor is from Cuba , he seems knowledgeable enough and wears a white doctors coat and stethoscope around his neck. He’s a large man, with dark hair and dark eyes, who tells me he’s been well schooled. I tell him about my parasite problem and he tells me in his own country he has seen worms come out of people’s noses and eyes. We bad mouth traditional doctors for a few minutes and he promises he can help me.

I hand him my diamond and emerald necklace and tell him I have no money or insurance. He agrees to have the necklace appraised and take it as payment. He hooks me up to some kind of machine that he says will tell him exactly where the parasites are in my body. The machine spits out some kind of paper with zig-zag lines all over it. He gasps, and shakes his head, and tells me the parasites are in my entire body. I of course already know this, I can feel them wiggling.

He has shelves and shelves of herbal medicine bottles in his office and takes several bottles off the shelves and hands them to me. Tells me you can’t buy this stuff off the street, this stuff is strong, and will do the trick. ( I find out a month later that the exact same herbs can be bought at the local health food store for $10!)

I take the 5 bottles of herbs home. The dose consists of 12 pills a day, for 30 days. The pills are bitter and hard to swallow, but I take them for the 30 days. I chew on enzymes and Spanish black radishes, and feel no different after the 30 days, so I return to the Holistic center for a new consult. The doctor tells me my necklace is not worth his fee and hands it back to me and asks for $300. I have a few hundred dollars left in my account and hand him my credit card.

The doctor takes me in a shady back room of the office and has me lay down, he calls his assistant in and they put several bottles of pills on my belly button and shake the bottles, then they lock arms around me and chant something. And I am terrified. This religious doc and his assistant are doing some kind of strange black magic thing over me and I am here alone. They finish their chant and the doctor tells me all the parasites are gone. I argue with him and tell him NO THEY ARE NOT, but he is relentless.

He then lifts up his pant leg and shows me a worm trapped under his skin in his leg! I can see it clearly. My holistic doctor has parasites that he cannot get rid of his own self!!

I run out of the office as fast as I can, shocked and hysterical. NO ONE is ever going to believe this nightmare that won’t end.

Today the horror will be the same, the large worm in my back is slithering up and down and painful. I gnash my teeth almost constantly and my jaw aches from it. I pour some peroxide in the wound in my side, it is healing well. The days are getting unbearable and I pray for death. I read an article about a woman with a large worm in her intestines and she places a piece of candy in her mouth to coax, the worm out, the worm slithers up her throat and the woman chokes to death. Apparently there is no solution for worms. I make a hot bath with oatmeal and soak for a long time, thinking again how lucky others are to die swift deaths like in a car wreck or plane crash, dying from an incurable disease, suffering and unable to defend myself is pure horror. I cannot undo my mistakes, and I can’t go forward, I am stuck, very, very weak, and terrified. The voices of my family and friends who wouldn’t help me haunt me, their lack of support, their cruel words, like daggers to my soul, my mind tries to process their hatred and evil words and cannot, I am beyond angry and hurt, and I can still hear their laughter. I emerge from the tub and my back and neck are very stiff, my phone rings constantly with collection agencies from the E.R. visits, and I am on my last nerve.

I went to the doctor for every single symptom over the years, the dry skin, the dark circles under my eyes, the feeling of something moving inside me, the dizziness, the anxiety and insomnia. No doctor ever could diagnose me, but I have, it’s definitely parasites, and they eat holes in your organs in time. Doctors only prescribed more steroids, and more antibiotics making the parasite infection worsen. I spit into my spit cup, I need a muscle biopsy and surgical removal of the worms, but I will never get these things without health insurance, the doctors they give the poor are a joke, and they treat you as if you are worthless. A tiny tear drop emerges from my left eye and a sweet song plays on the CD player sings softly to my aching soul. For a moment I let it all go to Jesus. There’s a text from Kirk on my phone, and he’s being rude and in a fighting mood, I don’t know what happened that dreadful night when he saw his sister beheaded by a train, but knowing Kirk, I now think he pushed her in front of it!

The Poison

I find a box of rat poison in the cabinet and pour some out into my hand, I wonder if rat poison will kill the worms, I lift the poison in my hand to my nose, it has no smell, so I pop a couple of the niblets in my mouth, my phone rings, it’s a friend from another state, I tell her my plan with the rat poison and she tells me that rat poison will cause uncontrollable internal bleeding and that a doctor won’t be able to stop the bleeding, I quickly spit the niblets out back into my hand. We hang up and I take my garlic herbs and some awful tasting oil of oregano. Then I sit outside on my swing and look at the beautiful purple and orange Florida sunset. Kirk is texting me to come to dinner and I am telling him” no”, “come on”, he says, and I chuckle at his whining. I notice my toenails are paper thin and covered in a chipped pink polish, Worms deplete you of calcium. Kirk text’s “I like you, and please come for dinner again”, I tell him “I am not hungry, except for maybe a kiss.”

The Demon On The Paper

Fifteen minutes later he arrives at my door with sausage and onions and his famous apple salad, and a little puppy he is dog sitting. I try to put a movie in the DVD player for us to watch, but Kirk wants sex right now. As usual we end up in the bed room and I fall asleep in his arms with the pup at the foot of the bed. At 7:00 am Kirk and I are already arguing, he leaves for work and I light a white candle and stare again at the ugly green/gold curtains. I pick up a sheet of blank white paper lying next to me and run the blank paper over the flickering flames of the candle, this leaves a smoky image on the paper that my gramma told me once was like a looking glass into the spirit realm. I stare at the smoky smudges and I see it, the demon, the ugly, witchy looking image , the lurking demon’s image is smoldered into the paper. He’s old must be 200-300 years old!, with long stringy hair down pass his shoulders, but completely bald at the top, he has a long crooked witches nose and slanted black evil eyes and a huge, huge contorted mouth. These “smoke images”, where one can see the unseen are really real!

The image is terrifying and seems to be looking right at me. Then I notice the candle has melted and contorted into a weird shape, I look closer and see very clearly the image of a duck in the melted wax, this is not just a duck, but a duck with a huge razor in its mouth, much like a dream I had . I smash the candle with my hand and whisper aloud, “there’s definately something evil in here!” I sip on a cup of coffee and feel Harod, the largest of the parasites move inside my belly, The parasite is fighting the meds and herbs I took to kill it. I thought Kirk would be able to save my life, but I can see now that that’s not going to happen. “I need a Savior” plays sweetly on the CD player. I am in a lot of pain today and I can barely stand up. Kirk text’s me something about him being out of money and disappears for the weekend. He obviously thinks I am very dumb.

I try very hard to not think of Kirk, but can’t stop seeing him in my mind’s eye. His long legs, his sweet lips, his one lazy eye that goes cross eyed and makes me laugh. I spend the weekend in bed watching movies with conflicting feelings for Kirk, and manage the strength to let him go. On Monday Kirk reappears, and tells me he’s bipolar and that he spent the weekend sleeping. Jeez, am I really to believe that? Kirk is a carpenter, in his early fifties and the sexiest man I have had in my bed since my twenties. He is also big in the church and we have much in common. Unfortunately I am too ill to win his heart, so he plays me and I need to concentrate on my health, not on Kirk.

There are several text’s coming through on my cell phone from Kirk, all stating he loves me, but I know he is lying, lying for sex, and I feel way to too old for his games.

I make some crackers with cheese on them, since I’ve been ill everything tastes like Elmers glue. I search the internet day and night for a cure for the parasites and try one herb or medicine after another, but nothing works. Upon much research I figured out that Harod is a Hepitica Gigantica, a dangerous fluke worm, a Tremetode. I cough up blobs of clear jelly with a worm eggs in the center of the muck and by the size and movement inside me I know he is very large. And the horror intensifies so badly I can barely move, I am now paralyzed with fear. I need Kirks help so badly, but he just won’t stop playing games, and I wish with my whole being that he would just grow up.

The Dance

I drink an entire bottle of merlot and a shot of rum and in my drunkenness there is only one thing I want, and that’s Kirk. I want to go to the bar and listen to music, and I want to slow dance and I only want to dance with Kirk. I text him and ask him to meet me at the local bar, and he says he will. I slip on a mini dress with large purple flowers on it and head for the bar. The bar is packed full of people and there’s a band playing loudly and people dancing all around me. I sit on a bar stool and wait for Kirk. He arrives late wearing a slick silk blue shirt and very tight black jeans. I think he’s the sexiest man I have ever seen, and while I’m sitting on the bar stool he is in my arms standing above me, and kissing me and we can’t keep our hands off each other. A slow song comes on and he grabs my hand and leads me to the dance floor where we dance the most erotic dance I will ever have in my life. When the song ends he says “let’s get out of here,” and I hungrily say “lets go.”

We head for Kirks house and devour each other like wolves. Then we head over to my apartment and make love again and again. He tells me he loves me over and over again and showers me with kisses all over my body. It’s now 5 am and I am wanting to sleep, but Kirk is not done, he enters me for the 4th time, and no one is getting any sleep tonight.

At 8:00 am I make coffee and Kirk wants to make love again. I have had so, many orgasms I lost count and he has me in a trance of desire, passion and pleasure and we make love one more time before he heads off to work. He text’s me from work saying “meet me at the beach bar tonight for drinks.”

I sleep most the day feeling tired and hung-over and come 9:00 PM I head to the beach bar to meet Kirk. It’s a local upscale bar and there must be 200 people inside. I find a small empty table outside and wait for Kirk, he arrives late again wearing a silky pink shirt and the same sexy black jeans. I sip on merlot and Kirk drinks a beer, and we dance to “Knocking on Heavens Door.” This night ends the same way as last night, making love for hours and I am in love. A few hours after Kirk leaves for work and then text’s me “I’m on top of the world,” and I text him back a smiley face. There’s a gospel song playing on the cd player and the lyrics play loudly and fill the room with “we’ve got a choice to make.” When Kirk gets off work we meet for dinner and eat crab legs 3 nights in a row. Every night is filled with the scent of buttery crab legs and sex, and worm medications and a new treatment I started of applying DMSO topically with sulfer and coconut oil. Kirk offers to try another magic flower lotion but that’s about it for his help with my health. Still I long for him daily and he satisfies me over and over again.

The Days Go By Like Chocolate Cake

I start an online business reselling stuff I buy at thrift shops and yard sales and manage to pay my bills as the months with Kirk roll by. I dream of Kirk lying in a bed of black snakes, and I begin to wonder if he really loves me or if it’s all just sex. He says that he loves me, he says he will take me to another state for surgery, he even says he “likes me fat,” as I have gained 20 lbs since he and I first met. We go to the lake and have a bon fire, and I look upon Kirk, wearing a bright yellow football jersey in the moonlight and he glows. We fish and eat pancakes in the middle of the night. It’s raining lightly outside as I fall asleep in Kirks arms night after night. I feel very loved but still dream of black trucks and deceiving snakes. I love Kirk and only Kirk, I desire only him, but is my sub conscience trying to tell me something? I take a hot bath in Epsom salt hoping the salty water will seep into my fat and muscles and kill the parasites, but still I suffer daily. These are definitely the best and worst of times. A much loved Bette Midler song plays on my CD player and I cry. My health is failing badly, but I am emotionally healing.

Louie Kitty

There are several stray cats here at my new apartment and I take a liking to a white little cat with black hair on top his head that makes him appear to be wearing toupee. I feed the cat daily and let it sleep on the foot of my bed. I name the kitty “pretty kitty”. However one day while I was walking by my neighbor’s house I told the neighbor I found this stray cat and the name I named him. The neighbor looks at me strangely and informs me that the cats name is Louie, apparently the owner was evicted from the apartment complex and left the cat here. So the the cat’s name is Louie, not “pretty Kitty”. I bond with the cat and adopt him.

I hadn’t seen my kitty Louie in two days, and then today he shows up at my back door, and he is limping. I bring him into the apartment and take a closer look, his paw is completely mangled and bloody. Half his paw is missing. I call Kirk in a panic, he says to pray. I am so tired of praying, I can’t pray anymore. I remind Kirk that prayer without deed is dead and I rush my little kitty to the nearest vet hospital. They tell me his paw needs to be amputated! And they want $1200.00! I tell them I cannot afford that, and so they send me home with antibiotics and kitty pain killers and charge me $100. for the meds. They ignore the fact that there is cat blood smeared all over my white blouse and my arm, Louie’s blood is also smeared all over the front seat of my car, I return home saddened and shocked. Poor Louie.

Everyone is saying I should put the kitty down, all because of a wounded paw, and I am appalled. I can’t do it. Kirk says he will come over and help me with Louie and also bring me some batteries for my zapper and some herbs and wine. He never shows up. He is of no help to me at all and I am angry again. I don’t understand everyone! Compassion has died. God must be angry. There’s no way I can handle anymore of this poverty and lack of compassion for me or for animals. This by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life.

I call a different pet hospital and they ask me to bring my kitty in right away, I throw kitty in the car and drive 45 minutes away to and find a pet hospital filled with people and injured or ill animals. The little tiny clinic is filled to capacity and I ask for the paper to surrender my kitty so he can get surgery. I had been told on the phone that if I surrender the cat they may do the surgery for free, so I fill out the form and as I am handing it to the office clerk she tells me they will euthanize the cat! I pull the surrender paper out of the ladies hand and quickly put it in my purse and tell her to give me my cat back, she won’t. She says they have to look at the cat first and that if the cat is in too bad of shape they will euthanize it and they tell me to sit down and wait my turn. I sit for 2 hours in the crowded office crying and panicking, and making frantic phone calls for help. I witness so many broken animals I am going into shock again. I just want my kitty back and to go home, but they won’t give me my kitty back! Finally the owner and surgeon says it’s my turn, she has looked at my kitty and has good news! They only need to amputate the fingers of his paw, not the whole leg! She says she can do this Tuesday, and for only $50.00 and tears stream down my face. I call a friend and beg him for the $50.00 and he says ok, he will help! So Tuesday little kitty gets his toes amputated, and will heal and live. But he can never be an outside cat again. I stare at the scripture on my refrigerator and try not to be afraid.

JOHN: 14:27

PEACE I LEAVE WITH YOU, MY PEACE I GIVE UNTO YOU, NOT AS

THE WORLD GIVES, GIVE I UNTO YOU. LET NOT YOUR HEART BE

TROUBLED, NEITHER LET IT BE AFRAID.

I hop in my Volvo and drive to the low cost vet clinic over an hour away.

Louie the cat is petrified scared and is screaming silent screams. He knows he is going to the doctors and is traumatized. He cries out most the way there and my heart cannot take it, as I sit in traffic and drive on construction laden roads in the 90 degree July heat, sick and alone I struggle to care for Louie. He had the surgery a few weeks ago, they removed his three middle toes. Now this is my 4th doctor visit for him.

They get me in rather quickly and remove poor Louie’s cast and put a guard collar on him so he cannot chew at his stitches. The sight of his raw stump for a hand overwhelms me and I feel weak at the knees. I race home in the traffic and Louie’s ex owner arrives to help. She brings me lots of cat food and some money to help with the costs of his meds. Louie lays in his cat carrier, so scared and sad, and it breaks my heart. He sleeps most the day, for weeks at a time.

Louie is healing well, he made it through surgery and I think he is somewhat depressed because he cannot go outside ever again, nor will he ever be the same, but he is a beautiful full white tuxedo cat with black hair and a black tail and he is a beautiful creature and against all the voices telling me to put him down, Louie lives.

Little Louie stares at me with his big green eyes for hours on end. He is at my mercy and his eyes ask me what’s happening. I tell him he will be ok, and scratch his face. I have fallen in love with the sweet little cat but the old owner says she want’s Louie back, and so after Louie makes a full recovery, with both love and sadness in my heart, I give Louie back to his original owner.

Unstoppable

There’s a Christian movie playing at the local theatre one night only, Kirk and I want to go, so we make a date. My electric has gone out and I just got out of the shower and my hair is very wet. I text Kirk and ask if I can go dry my hair at his house. He says I can. I go and dry my hair and put some curls in my hair and fix my makeup. Kirk is at work and we are to leave for the theatre at 7:30.

Kirk arrives home and is going like an energizer bunny. We hop in his Mom’s Lexus and head for the theatre. Kirk is not paying attention and gets lost. We are now 9 minutes late for the show and I am getting a bit nervous. We finally arrive at the theatre and find out that the show has been sold out. Both of us extremely disappointed.

We start to walk away and Kirk says to me, “you want to sneak into the movie Anyway?” I scream “yes!” I pull him by the arm back to the ticket counter where we buy 2 tickets to a different movie that is playing at the same time. We give the tickets to the clerk and he says the movie is to the right, but the real movie we want to sneak into is on the left, so we stall a little and get popcorn and use the restrooms, and when the clerk is out of sight we race to the left and into the movie. At first glance there are no empty seats, so we circle around to the other side and there in the front row is one seat, and the

2nd to the front row is another empty seat. Kirk and I take the seats and watch an incredible movie called Unstoppable. After the show we go to Kirks house and talk some more, and my back appears to be healing. I have been bent over for 3 years, but as Kirk prays and we minister to each other my back miraculously becomes straighter and straighter.

I leave Kirks at 4:30 am after making love twice and cuddling. Kirk tells me the next day he has been healed of manic depression. Sadly, my back is slightly bent over again. Though the sulfer/DMSO/coconutoil/ivermectin lotion I make every day for months has severely slowed the worms, my back still aches constantly.

Barry

My car has broken down and Kirks friend is suppose to fix it for me but keeps canceling. The rain in Florida won’t seem to stop. It’s been raining for 4 months, and no one can work on my car in the rain. Kirk uses his dad’s car and lets me drive his beat up old van for a while. Life for the next two to three weeks is chaos. Kirk’s friend cancels on fixing my car me and my car takes weeks to fix. Kirk and I go back and forth, fighting, then making up, breaking up, then ultimately making up again.

I have a friend sleeping on my couch that’s homeless and Kirk is pissed off. He insists I go to his house every night and won’t come to my apartment. This friend use to be my next door neighbor and is very timid and kind and down on his luck so I agreed to help him out and let him stay on my couch for a few days. Kirk and I make gospel CD’s to give away and have fun listening to praise music together at his place, but we are not really getting along very well. My nerves are shot and I am feeling sickly from pouring Moxidectin all over my body to control the worms. The Moxidectin has stunned the worms, but not killed them. I am also still drinking wormwood and green black walnut hull tea daily. I carry the concoction around with me everywhere I go, drinking the horrible tasting drink all day long.

Trying to help my homeless friend is taxing and he is smoking all my cigs and drinks all my wine and I have and I am getting frustrated and have spent so much energy in helping him that my own problems are stacking up.

Kirk has signed himself and me up for a bible college class that we start tomorrow and I cannot sleep cause of the stress. I had agreed to let my homeless friend Barry sleep on my couch for three days. The three days turn into thirteen days and it is making Kirk very angry, and so the neighbor girls agree to take him in for a while. After nine days they say they cannot have him there any longer and so I take Berry to a hotel near the homeless shelter in East Naples. I had put Barry’s needs above my own and it hurts my finances so I had to let him go out on his own.

With Barry gone, Kirk spends the night for several days, and it’s a beautiful thing. I missed the first day of bible college because of exhaustion, and so Kirk goes without me.

For the next week Kirk and I make more gospel CD’s of praise music to hand out on the beach. We go to several church sermons, and Kirk tells me he loves me for a few bliss-filled days!

I am still not feeling well at all, the worms are back up and wiggling, revived from the wormwood and zapping. They are making their goo inside me and causing my stomach to bloat badly. I feel hopeless. Prayer hasn’t worked, and the meds didn’t work. People say this is the disease of “Gods wrath”. It cannot even be diagnosed, so I cannot get disability, and there’s no help from anyone, or any doctor. Wretched thoughts run through my mind as I examine the damage to my life that this illness has caused. I have bad acid reflux and the constant taste of battery acid in my mouth. Kirk comes over and makes love to me and I feel a little better, but I fear I am not well enough to keep him interested or to keep my life going. My car is now running, but is duck taped together and there is no a/c and it is 89 degrees outside and unbearable.

Money is tight and God has not heard my cries for surgery or a cure. I am so ready to quit. I think of buying enough street drugs to kill me in my sleep, I watch U tube videos of Budd Dwyer’s public suicide and decide I could not pull the trigger on a gun. The terror seems never ending and I want to lay face down in the mud.

Kirk comes over and he is quite drunk, he practices preaching to me and we argue most the night. In the A.M. he leaves early and sends me some poem about walking in the road of light together as friends. Kirk is implying that we are just friends, and this makes me very unhappy and the un-stunned worms are back to mating and egg laying inside my belly several times a day.

Helping my homeless friend has left me in financial trouble and my hands are trembling. I feel deep inside that Kirk is going to break up with me soon and this also frightens me. I haven’t worked much at all this month and cannot relax.

Tonight Kirk and I will make more gospel CD’s to hand out and maybe I will feel better after doing a small part in ministry, giving out praise music for the Lord.

The months are blowing by, and still no relief from life’s challenges or from a massive worm infection. Kirk still will not believe me about the parasites and I am very frustrated. I continue to chain smoke and smear coconut oil and DMSO all over my body.

Kirk and I both have colds so we buy Nyquil and cuddle and watch Rodney

Howard Browne surmons for a few nights together. He tells me he loves me, but it is weak and sounds fake. This upsets me a lot and is causing me to feel depressed. Kirk is asleep in my bed as I blow my nose in a Kleenx several times. We realize we both have the flu and Kirk is also becoming depressed. I can hardly function, I am extremely dizzy as I drive to the thrift shops looking for things to resell online but come up short for my bills. Kirk gives me the $200 I am short on my rent and thank God, the stress eases up. How could I ever even imagine letting him go?

I sip hot coffee from a coffee pot I borrowed from the neighbors and work on my online shop listings. The worms have been brutal all week once again as I pop wormwood pills and try to electrocute them with my tens unit. I am now looking at both a dentist suction machine to suck the worms out, or a heart start shock device to shock the worms. Both run about $200. Is it even possible I can make a cut in my belly and suck the worms out with the dentist tool? Or shock them with the heart start machine? I have to keep trying different venues, as the meds are not killing the worms.

Kirk will be awake soon, for church. I hate seeing him so sad, the down side of his mania. I kiss the sweetest little beauty marks he has on his upper lip and cheek, as he sleeps and fall in love with him again and again.

Manic Depression

For the next week Kirk is depressed, he won’t eat and he loses close to 20lbs.

He sleeps for days on end, until Sunday arrives. He goes to church in the morning and we go together for the night service. I didn’t want to go, I still have the flu on top of worms and I am bitter and grouchy. I tell him I want to stay home but he insists I go. The regular praise band is not there and I sit on a back pew sweating profusely. Luckily it is a short sermon and we head back to the house. Kirk makes a tuna salad and I work on stickering the CD’s we made with labels. I am grouchy, and Kirk is grouchy also. We make love, and then head for my apartment. I feel Kirks’ discomfort here, in my dirty, cluttered apartment and I feel defensive.

We watch a movie called The Miracle Maker, the story of Jesus and argue.

Kirk says he cannot tolerate my chain smoking any longer. He sits on the couch texting someone, and when I come up to be next to him he clicks onto a different screen, it is now apparent he’s hiding something! Most likely he is texting another woman. My gut hurts and I go outside on my swing and rock back and forth, drinking red wine and sweating like crazy. We both decide to call it a night and go to bed. I am very upset and Kirk rolls away from me to the other side of the bed. For the first time in months we sleep apart instead of cuddling all the night. In the morning he gives me a small hug and then leaves for work. I sleep till nine or so and wake up still feeling awful. I am tired of life, tired of arguing, tired of people and the worms are up and gooing toxins throughout my body. I feel helpless, hopeless, and do not text Kirk for the first morning in 4 months. He doesn’t text me either.

Life goes on, and Kirk and I draw close and then pull away as always. Something in him has changed though, his kisses are getting ever more tender and sweet. He is still shooting mean words at me now and then, and while I was downloading gospel music to make a Christmas CD he comments that I am buying too many songs off I tunes and “wasting his money”. I am very offended and scream nastily at him and take $20 out of my wallet and throw it at him. It ends up on the floor. He picks it up and puts it in my purse, and I take it out and throw it at him again, and again it ends up on the floor. I then storm out of the house and go home to my little pink apartment. I listen to a beautiful gospel Christmas CD I had just made, and feel the Holy Spirit for a few wonderful moments. Then very strangely an overwhelming rage comes over me.

The Club

I slip on some high heels and drive to the rich part of town, to the fancy, high class bar. There’s a band playing and they’re very good. I order merlot and dance in my bar stool at the bar. The music sooths my heartache and the fun of the scene is cheering me up. I stay for the entire night and at 2:00 head to my car. My tight sandels have made a blood blister on my foot and I remove my shoes on the way to my car. Security sees me, from a distance, and cannot see that I am taking off my shoes, they just assume I am stumbling and come over to me while I am getting in the car and proceed to tell me that I am too drunk to drive, that they saw me stumbling. Ugh! They tell me I have to take a cab. I tell them I do not have money for a cab and one of the security officers reaches in his pocket and hands me $20. I get into a cab and tell the cab driver to please go to the nearest 7/11 so I can get some coffee.

I call Kirk and it is now 2:30 am. I tell him the story and ask him if he can come get me. He surprisingly answers the phone and says he will come for me. I grab a cup of coffee at the 7/11 and then call Kirk back and tell him , that I am going to drive to his house, which is only 5 minutes away. I arrive at Kirks at 3:00 am. He is sleepy and a bit angry with me. He tells me it’s time to move on. His words hurt like a knife through my heart. I run to my Volvo to go home and he follows me and hollers at me to please stay. I have the car door open and one foot in the car. I holler across the driveway, “ you told me to move on”, “did you really mean that”. He says” no,” “he didn’t mean it that way,” and again asks me to come in. I hop in my car and drive away.

The next morning I am extremely hung over, and I don’t text Kirk all day.

About 2:00 in the afternoon Kirk text’s me, “are you alive?” I text him “yes,” and that I am sorry. He comes to my apartment later that night and makes sweet love to me and we sleep in each other’s arms. And life goes on another day with Kirk like sweet and creamy chocolate cake.

Boots

With Louie happy at his old owners house I adopt a new little stray kitty named Boots. She’s a tiny cat, all black with white socks on her feet. I’ve been feeding her and she’s been sleeping on my bed for months. In the morning Kirk is helping me box up some things I have sold online, I have to be at the post office by 12:00 to mail the packages. When Kirk finishes taping up the last box we throw them in my car so I can head to the post office, it is a beautiful warm Florida day. When I turn the key to start my car I hear a huge thump, and the car won’t start. I turn the key again and again and hear the engine squealing, I decide to get out of the car and see what is going on. Upon exiting the car I see black and white fur all over the green grass. I scream inwardly, “no, no, don’t let that be my cat Boot’s.” I scream for Kirk and he comes quickly to the car and opens the engine hood. Sure enough my cat is stuck in the car engine and torn to pieces, but still alive! I holler for my neighbor to please come help Kirk, my neighbor takes a look in the engine and see’s Boots stuck in there and tells me to go away. He and Kirk then pull my precious, sweet little kitty from the engine and put her in a shoe box. She is almost cut in half and her furs half shaved off from the fan blades of the car.

I sit on my couch screaming and crying loudly. Kirk covers Boots with a handkerchief in the box and hands her to me, and we run my kitty to the closest vet. The vet tells me the surgery for the cat will be $5,000. Franticaly I look up more vets online and take my half alive kitty to another vet, she’s in the box on my lap as Kirk drives. I open the box and see my kittys big green eyes going dead, I cry and beg my kitty to not die. Her eyes have turned to plus signs and she is calm. The plus sign eyes image burns deep into my mind and heart forever.

The vet at the second animal hospital tells me I can make him payments, but it is almost 5 pm and they are getting ready to close so he won’t do the surgery until tomorrow. We leave kitty with the kind vet and stop for tacos on the way back home, I cannot stop weeping and am not hungry, I sit with my face cuddled into my hands and cry.

The next morning the vet calls and tells me that my kitty Boots did not make it through the night. I am so sad I am speechless. They tell me I can come pick up my kitty to bury her, so Kirk and I hop back into the car and drive back to the vet. They hand me my kitty frozen, wrapped in paper in a plastic bag.

Kirk stops and buys lye and we borrow a shovel from my neighbor and bury Boots outside by the water. Kirk digs a large hole and sprinkles the lye on my kitty so her remains will dissolve quickly. I toss a cross into the grave and a neighbor girl comes out to say a prayer with me. Then Kirk covers the grave with shovels of dirt. I feel so weak I can hardly stand. I sit on a log and cry some more. I saved Louie, but I could not save Boots.

I learn that Boots had a female kitty that is her daughter from a litter a year or so ago, they use to play together outside in the sunshine. The other cat’s name is Sparkles. I now adopt Sparkles and know she will sense that her mommy won’t be coming back soon. The Sparkles cat cries a lot, I think she’s been traumatized before I took her in. I had been feeding both cats for months, but they both stayed out side most of the time, and now I let Sparkles live inside with me forever. She’s a large cat with orange and brown spots and stripes, she looks like a little tiger, and she becomes my new best little cat friend. People tell me that cats usually crawl into engines to stay warm, but it was a very warm, sunny day. Why Boots was in my engine at the exact moment I needed to go to the post office remains a mystery. I go outside to the grass and scoop up all the cat fur on the grass, feeling completely numb.

Kirk the Horrible After many, many months of bliss with Kirk, he starts to become very mean. I had forgotten that he is bipolar. He turns on me and starts calling me a pig. Like a tornado the insults come day after day and my heart is breaking and I feel like I am going into shock again. My bills become pass due and my life begins to slip as Kirk and I become distant. He starts to disappear on weekends again, he’s pretentious and narcissistic, and so I take on a new lover, a young handsome man who looks like Jesus, named Willy. The calls and text’s from Kirk become less and less and a month or so passes. I hear my phone beep and it’s a text from Kirk saying “I miss you.” I text him back

“you broke my heart,” and he replies “well too bad.” My apartment is dirty and smoky as I try to understand what’s going on and spend most my days in the bed, or sitting on the couch in a daze. The device I bought called a zapper, that is supposed to kill/zap parasites has burned several painful holes in my skin. My mind is constantly thinking of the bliss filled days spent with Kirk. I see Willy a couple times a week and that helps with the loneliness, but my heart is still Kirks. Kirk is an incredible man, graceful and gifted and loving, but his other side, his mean side is pure as evil. He text’s me at 1: it’s Kirk, he rushes in and throws me on the bed and makes love to me wildly. I fall asleep in his arms once again and dream of red slick ice. In the morning he leaves and never once says he loves me. The next day he text’s me again, saying he wants to come over.” This time I tell him no. He comes over anyways, and sits with me outside on my swing, he asks me if we can go inside and I say “ok, but not for sex.” I am wearing a tight pink silk dress and my breasts are extremely swollen, and Kirk can’t keep his eyes off me. We go inside and immediately are having sex again on my large king size bed. In the morning he leaves and I take a long hard look in the mirror, I look like death, huge dark circles under my eyes and blotchy skin and now 30 LBS over weight. I realize Kirk could never really love me, he is just too good looking and healthy and is just addicted to sex. So I push Kirk away again and continue to see Willy. Willy is an alcoholic, he has just gotten his 7th DUI and is facing jail time, but he is gentle and sweet and a good distraction from Kirk. Kirk and I now only talk once a week and he is still being cruel and mean. Kirk tells me that “he never loved me”, that he “bent the truth”, he irriderates over and over that “he does not love me.” On the flip side, Willy is telling me every day that he loves me and there’s a problem, I do not love Willy, and I am becoming sicker and sicker, the parasites are slowly killing me, clogging my gall bladder and my bile ducts, sucking on my liver and kidneys, making me very ill, vulnerable and weak, and Willy is always way too drunk to help so I don’t even bother to ask. Kirk convinces me that he needs to come over and talk and I tell him okay.

He sits on my ripped leather chair and I on the couch and he tells me he’s giving up sex and hands me $200 to help me buy more things to sell online.

Then he abruptly leaves. I guess this is his way of saying it’s over between us forever. He comes and goes in and out of my life for the next few months, I have begun to bleed vaginally very hard and heavy for weeks at a time and after a while there are no more texts from Kirk, and I seldom see Willy. I go back to sitting on my swing all day in the heat and focusing on how to kill parasites. I am in severe pain and feel close to death, when a text comes in from Kirk stating that “he is extremely upset and depressed and has to see me. He asks me to come over to his house for a swim in his neighbor’s pool. I decide to go, a cool swim is enticing, and I need the exercise. Once at Kirks house he pours me a glass of merlot and we sit at his little table on the porch and talk as he explains his manic depression to me. I hand him a small crystal blue bird of happiness I had found at the thrift store earlier that day, and tell him “as long as he has possession of the happiness blue bird, depression cannot touch him.” He really likes this and a sweet smile covers his face. It’s starting to storm outside and we both hop into the neighbor’s pool, me in a black one piece bathing suit and Kirk completely naked, we splash around the pool like little kids and laugh and make love in the pool. Both of us are happy again like we were many months ago and I lay happily in his arms as he falls asleep. After he falls asleep I hop in my car and head back to my silly pink apartment, and Willy calls saying he is going to kill himself. I race over to Willy’s house and try to explain to him that I am in love with Kirk, he points to the shot gun on his wall and tells me “he’s finished.” I cannot help Willy, I gave my little crystal bird of happiness to Kirk, so I head back to my apartment feeling very confused. The next day is Sunday and Kirk picks me up for church. After church we go to my apartment and make love again and again, and then he says to me “you and I will never walk down the aisle.” I am taken aback by his words, and realize that once again I have fallen for the wrong man. He also tells me that “he better never catch me cheating on him!” We swim in the pool together every night for months, playing and drinking red wine and on August 3, 2013 at exactly 2:19 pm, Kirk tells me we are a couple again. I continue to battle parasites and fall hard for Kirk again. This time we eat shrimp and swim every night and Kirk never says to me “I love you.” I am in a lot of physical pain, but my love for Kirk is euphoric and numbs the pain while we are together. Our relationship is again completely one sided, I shower him with love and let him use me for sex, until one day on my birthday Kirk gets a new roommate, a female roommate. I’ m at kirks house waiting to be taken out to dinner for my birthday, when Kirks new roomy arrives to put a deposit on the room. Kirk is acting cocky and flirting with the girl right in front of me and I am appalled. I pick up my things and storm out of the house with Kirk yelling behind me “where are you going?” Kirk has done this before, I remember him ogling and looking down a girl’s shirt at church and exchanging sweet smiles with the girl while I was standing right next to him. And I’ve finally had enough.

After about a week or so I receive an email from Kirk, I am unsure how the email got through, I thought I blocked him from calling, texting or emailing me. Puzzled I open the email, it reads “I’m back, and I need sex.” I tell Kirk that “he makes me sick”, and to “leave me alone’. He replies back “but I love you.” I ignore his email and lie and fall asleep for two solid days. When I awaken

I start to drink bourbon and sprite all day long and by nightfall I am very intoxicated. I email Kirk “hi”, and he emails back “where are you?” I tell him “I’m at home,” and he replies “I will be there in 10.” Exactly ten minutes later Kirk is at my back door with a handful of love bird flowers. I put the pretty flowers in a vase and the Kirk and I make love and fall asleep. In the morning he is gone and I text him, “last night was a mistake.” Then I turn my phone off.

The Love Birds

It’s a hot summer day in mid- July and I sit starring at the love bird flowers on my coffee table, for some reason looking at the flowers is making me feel ill and my gut wrenches. So I snatch the flowers from the vase and head outside to the back of the apartment and I toss the love bird flowers over the fence into the dry, desolate woods where they belong. Satisfied I lay on my king size bed and think of all the games and lies I endured during Kirk and my relationship, I recall every broken promise and start to cry and pray, and I picture the Lord Jesus covered with light saying to me “I keep my promises.” A tender song called Just As I Am plays sweetly on the CD player and the image of Kirks love bird flowers going over the fence plays in slow motion over and over again in my mind. I close my eyes and try to ignore the large Trematode slithering up my back.

THE END

PART TWO

I said I would try to be friends with Kirk, but it’s already not working out. He is way too high maintenance and still a player and he isn’t helping me with the parasites or the doctors anymore.. Even though he has stopped drinking he is ridiculous. His attitude toward women is to just play and toy with them forever. The initial attraction is still there, but other than that there is nothing I want to hold on to. My sister sends me a country song called Break Up With

Him, but there is nothing to break off except a few stupid emails. I am very lonely and still very ill. The worms inside me just grow bigger and spawn more larve, and my physical health remains dire. I have put together a new cut kit to extract the worms myself and I am trying to get the doctors to do a DNC for my heavy period bleeding. I need the worms extracted by a doctor but doctors do not seem to have a clue about diagnosing scattered worms, and God is not even releasing the money to me to get any procedures done anyway. I am now on Obamacare but cannot afford my deductible. The evil in the medical system continues to terrify me. The nasty girls that make the doctor appointments won’t even allow me to make an appointment until my deductible is paid. I have a choice between food and bills and rent or doctors.

I don’t know how I am holding on with no support. I’ve been dizzy for 11 months, my stomach burns from all the meds over the years and I look and feel horrid.

I don’t know if I should expect to continue to get worse or if God will ever send help. All I do know now is that Kirk is not going to be the one to help me. Is this the end of my story? Is this all there is left? A brokenness of body, mind, spirit and heart?

Every day is grueling and I cannot sleep for days at a time like I use to, I am wide awake. At the very least I am reminded through this last escapade with Kirk that I still do have a heart. A very open one, a very hurt one. It felt like daggers thru my heart so painful last night when I told him to not email me anymore. He has not listened and emailed me just a moment ago, I immediately deleted it. And my heart burned again for few mere seconds.

When the heart aches, the mind cannot function! I just realized this again. There is no greater feeling or pain and the heart screams for the one it loves.

All contact with Kirk stops now. I have a feeling I am gonna get saved by the Holy Spirit of Jesus again, with my heart so open and wounded, it feels like ground up hamburger meat in my chest, surely Jesus will come again? Maybe then I will get a healing? I want to cry, but I hold back the tears, I am so sad for myself and for the lost years of sickness and betrayal. I am no longer young and pretty, this causes an even bigger bridge to cross or mountain to climb, as my body surrenders to old age.

The Goat Coat

It is now January, Kirk and I have hardly spoken. There was one day that I did agree to meet with Kirk, back in December he contacted me and asked that I meet him for a drink and see him to get the Christmas gift he bought for me, because after all it is Gloria’s (Jesus’s) birthday and we should celebrate. He sent me pictures via email of a fur coat made of goat hair and told me to meet him at the Fish restaurant down the street and to not wear a coat because the goat hair coat was for me.

I laughed uncontrollably, I live in Florida and even in the winter it is hot, what on earth am I going to wear a goat hair coat for? Besides it being 75 degrees outside, the coat was ridiculous and gaudy and cheap. But I couldn’t stop finding humor in it and in Kirks choice of gifts for me, and I was thankful for the full throttle gut laughter. I decided I would meet with him and accept the goat coat so that I could have a good bout of laughter every time I looked at it. I arrive at the Fish restaurant around 8 p.m. Kirk is sitting at the bar waiting for me when I arrive. I take a bar stool next to him and he orders me a glass of red wine. He asks me if I want to order an appetizer and I tell him I am not hungry so he orders some shrimp for himself and sips on a beer. He has new plastic thick black glasses on and looks very nerdy, which I like. But I can see his eyes behind the thick rimmed glasses and I am very shocked to see his dark brown eyes showing an intense look of sadness and fear. He tells me he has been sleeping for 3 months and is depressed, and then he leans toward me and tries to kiss me, but I pull back and tell him no. I ask him for the coat, and he lies and tells me he forgot to bring it. I sigh and inwardly realize I’ve been duped.

Kirk is off to a very bad start tonight as the bartender places a plate of peel and eat shrimp in front of Kirk. He eats his shrimp and I sip my red wine and we talk about things that don’t really matter. When he’s done eating I tell him I want to go outside for a cigarette and Kirk follows me to a little plastic table outdoors by the water, the Fish restaurant is on the water and it’s a beautiful moon lit night. Kirk is obviously very drunk and behaving badly, telling me he wants to party all night and take me to the dance club. He tells me he is becoming aroused by seeing me again.

I tell Kirk that the restaurant closes at 10 and that I will be going home soon. Kirk says he’s going inside to get another beer so I light another cigarette and watch as the fish jump in the water next to me. Kirk does not come back so I snuff the half smoked cig out in the ashtray and go inside. There is a man at the bar and Kirk is sitting next to him talking to him, apparently he knows the man. I did not appreciate being ignored and left outside or being tricked and told I had a Christmas gift to lure me to meet him when he had full intentions of arriving empty handed. I sit on the bar stool next to Kirk and the man and explain to him that I am leaving. Kirk runs his hand across my bare leg and I push his hand away and get up and walk out to the parking lot and get in my car. Kirk is screaming at me to not go, but I ignore him and speed off. Immediately on my phone there are angry texts from Kirk telling me that I am “icky”, and how could I just leave him like that. We text fight for only a few moments and then I do what needs to be done again and again, I place a block on all phone calls and texts from Kirk again and drive home to my silly, pink apartment alone.

I turn another corner with Kirk, on this night I receive three emails from his email address stating that I am fat and something about a girl he once dated. I am tired and my back is aching and the worms are wiggling so I don’t feel like fighting with Kirk tonight so I don’t respond. In the morning I get another email from Kirk saying that his new girlfriend hacked his email and read all our conversations. Most of the conversations were of me telling Kirk “no”, and it should be obvious to the new girl that he is a cheater and a chronic liar.

I can sense him now lying through his teeth and trying to put the blame on me.

I tell Kirk that “I am not playing into any of his trashy games” and I block his emails as spam. He emails back a final sentence ,” sorry to bother you.”

And it’s finished. Kirk has had a new girlfriend and all the while trying to make me his lover again. He is like a wild pig that cannot learn. He has deceived me and the church, and for introducing him to the good people of my church I am truly sorry and filled with regret.

Oh Love

I decide for the tenth time to try to break it off with Kirk, I even went so far as to change my phone number, however when I realize how much time it takes to call and change my number with everyone and every account I immediately call the phone company and change my number back. The day I switched my phone back to its original number, an old text comes through, Kirk text’s “can I do anything for you”. I don’t reply, another text comes in that says “guess not, goodnight. “ Kirk and his way with words. Someone told him once that he was the best salesman he had ever met and Kirk says he is going to sell God to the people’s hearts.

I sense danger, but for someone dying of worms I wonder if it matters, I seem to always be in perpetual danger but I feel safe in my little pink apartment and I can rest. The large worms are out today and laying eggs, filling me up with a heavy mucus. I cough up worm larve in horror. I think new worms have hatched despite all my efforts. This is definitely my death. I don’t think going to Mass General or any hospital will help at this stage, I feel a tad of vertigo coming on as the worms swim in my brain and scalp. I look in the mirror for hours on end in a daze. I am 40 lbs overweight now and got a bad haircut and the lines around my lips are getting deep from chain smoking.

I manage to look pretty for about two to three hours of the day, with fresh make up and a curling iron and hair dye, but outside those few hours I look like death. I tried to sleep again and cannot, so I order anxiety meds online, spending all I make on meds and doctors. Next week I will spend more money at the horrible dentist getting cavities filled. It will be awful, the novocaine shots, the numbness, the drilling, but hoping I will be out of this horrid pain from the 5 cavities.

I watch a video on U Tube where they pull a 3 foot worm out of a man’s nose and watch him scream “oh God, oh God as they do it. It definitely feels like the end of the world. I call my daughter twice, she doesn’t answer, and I email my son, he doesn’t return the email. The fantasy of being alive and healed and doing ministry with Kirk goes dim. All of the meds I have taken are disgusting in taste and give me a sour stomach and have not worked.

I try again to fall asleep, but I can’t, it’s thundering outside and I am having a major panic attack. I miss Kirk and realize that a man like him could never be faithful and though he doesn’t want me to sleep with anyone else, while he himself will not follow the same rule. How did I get involved with such an asshole?

Kirk The Horrible 2

I go on a drinking spree, drinking shots of vodka and a lot of red wine. Kirk and I start to text and somehow the texting turns ugly. He tells me that I am pig again. I will not tolerate any more cruelty. I will not talk with Kirk again. I toss and turn most the night. Waking up at 5am, I sip coffee and wait for the post office to open. My heart is heavy most the day. Though I dreamt of a picture of Jesus and a jumping deer. These meaning victory and compassion and Grace. At the post office I receive a letter from disability, my court hearing is coming up. I must see 3 doctors before I go. I need a GYN appointment. this week, a bone doc for my injured S/I joint in my back that I got from falling in the tub and then falling off a chair and injuring my back in the identical spot, which to no surprise, is a very, very rare injury. Now I have a rare neglected disease of worms and a rare injury, great.

I start dating a new man named Dan who I had met at the local bar weeks ago. It doesn’t last long with Dan, He is the most selfish man I have ever met in my life, and I find out rather quickly that he’s impotent.

I stay in bed most the day, there’s a rain storm outside and I fiddle around the house managing my online stores and cleaning. I fall asleep at 10 pm and awake at 6 the next morning. Getting my court papers in order and preparing for the doctors is a must do for today. And I am dreading it. And The worms have been being very bad. I am feeding them a new med called Chloroquinine. Harod the huge trematode is out squirming about wildly for three agonizing days. I make a mixture of Epsom salt and coconut oil and gulp the mix down, the salt makes my heart beat rapidly most the day and night. I pound anxiety meds to stay calm. I am almost completely out of anxiety meds now. I am $250 behind on my phone bill and just too tired to be upset over Kirk.

Apparently last night I woke up in a rage and tore up my bible and threw it in the outside trash, this morning I go and dig it back out. I place a sign on my outside door saying, “ sick, sleeping, go away!” I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Another day came and went and I did not get my court papers together, I slept the entire day, ignoring all phone calls and un-showered.

My heart still aches for Kirk, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. I am rolling my own cigarettes now to save money, I roll about 8 packs of cigarettes and chain smoke. I eat garlic, and meds and coconut oil and salt. My back hurts, tremendously with squiggling worms trying to dilute the poisons and salt, they fill me with their worm defense goo and I feel so heavy

I can hardly sit up or stand. The harsh, self-rolled cigarettes burn my throat, but I just keep smoking them. Dan calls and I agree to go to the dog track with him tonight to see the dog races, the fresh air and fun will do me good.

I inspect my scalpel and need to order a numbing agent to do the cut myself. The meds will not touch the large worms. Dan gave me some heavy duty thread and a needle, to stitch a dress, unknowing that I am going to use it to stitch myself up after the cut. My dilemma now is whether to do it before or after my disability hearing.

I feel the heavy trucks on my back again and again and decide I do not like people, cannot tolerate them, and I am not wanting anyone in my life anymore.

Everyone is crazy. And I don’t like it. I have been running for my life 3+ years now, tired of the hustle and bustle of the crazy cold world. I decide I am trying too hard, moving too fast and decide to slow down and take one day at a time.

My pajamas have holes in them and my apartment is run down and dirty and the slum lord that owns the apartments won’t fix anything. The hard water here causes a continual black ring around the toilet and the white tile is so old even cleaned it looks dirty. The kitchen cabinets are falling apart, and none of the appliances match in color. It’s no wonder Kirk thinks I am a pig, he did not know me before I was ill, when I was a neat freak, when I had a beautiful clean apartment in a nice part of town. Even as run down as this apartment is, I am signing a lease to stay another year. There is no way I am up for another move. Oh how I wish Kirk was not such a mean spirited man. There are so many things I loved about him. But my dreams for tell only danger with him and with a reluctant heart I force myself to shut him out again and again. We exchange a few short emails but he moves on with his new lover so I concentrate on work and finding a cure for parasites.

Without Kirk in my life I gain another 10 pounds, which puts me at a whopping 50 LBS over weight. I become lonely and distraught and age rapidly from lack of love and constant fear.

My dreams are now filled with huge mac trucks coming around blind corners and running me over. I see a couple doctors for my sinus problems and uterus problems and I become extremely frightened. I don’t like my new doctor, he doesn’t listen to me and my vertigo has returned with vengeance. I am dizzy 24 hours a day and become even more distraught and sickly. Kirk still emails me he misses me and tells me his new lover is the roommate girl I had met that night on my birthday. This news makes me feel very ill and my gut aches and I vomit in the toilet.

Barney

After spending months in living hell trying to let go of Kirk and start a new life and battle the parasites, I finally have a day of peace, I feel very calm for some un known reason. I decide to go out to the local club and have a drink and listen to music and destress. I pull on a very tight cotton black dress and my breasts a huge and popping out, I have gained so much weight everything is tight on me. The night club is full of people, mostly couples and I sip on a vodka and cranberry and watch the people dance for about an hour. No one is buying me drinks and that is un usual for me, I order a 2nd vodka cranberry and drink it down more quickly this time and then head outside for a smoke. As I am sitting on the wood bench outside the club a man just pulls into the parking lot and starts to enter the club, he sees me sitting alone and asks me if I would like to go inside with him and says that he will buy me a drink. I smile as he tells me his name is Barney. We go inside the club together and he buys me a couple drinks and we laugh and dance, when I drink the worms get drunk and are still for the night.

It is getting late and the bar is closing and Barney asks me if I would like to come home with him, he tells me to follow him to his house and we go to our cars and while driving and following him I become a little scared and change my mind and make a u turn. I find myself driving fast to Kirks house instead of following Barney. I email Kirk a few times and there is no response.

So I just decide to go in to his house. Kirk is watching a Jesus movie and

laying in bed when I arrive. We talk for a little while about the ministry he is trying to build and I spit bee’s at him and tell him he is going to fail. Kirk doesn’t like this at all. He starts to undress me and we make love for a long time. Kirks familiar body against mine feels like heaven and I tell him I love him, and to my surprise he says, “ you know I do love you too.”

We watch some more of the movie and I lay in his arms for a little while and then I get dressed and tell him I have to go. He asks me to stay, but I decline. Back at my apartment I email Kirk and tell him I am sorry, that we should not be having sex, we are suppose to be trying to get along as friends. He emails me back “don’t worry, I prayed for forgiveness.” And I don’t hear from Kirk for the rest of the night. I cook chicken soup and sleep most the day, hung over and feeling kinda happy. Barney calls me several times and I finally call him back. He asks me what happened and why I didn’t follow him home and then asks me to come to dinner tonight at his restaurant. I decline and tell him I can’t because I am hung over and he tells me to take a cold shower and if I can’t meet him tonight then to meet him tomorrow.

I take a long bath and still feel a little nauseous so I decide to go back to sleep. I check my email one last time, and there is no email from Kirk, and I am a bit disappointed, but relieved at the same time, I think Kirk and I starting a fling again would be a very bad idea. I think I will see Barney tomorrow instead.

Barney turns out to be a creep, and I end it quickly with him. So now I am all alone again. I decide to consentrate on worm killing and I meet a girl online who also suffers from this disease, her name is Summer.

Summer is quite a bit younger than me with two small children and a terrible

Tapeworm, ascarias and trematode infection in her legs. She has been sick for over a year. She left her husband and kids to go live with her mom. She feels death is near and frantically tries every med she can to kill the worms. Unfortunately she doesn’t have the patience to stick with any protocol and so decides that dying would be better. She believes her two children have contracted the disease and is filled with remorse and guilt. She needs to prove to the doctors that she has this disease so her kids can in turn also be treated. Since she is no longer taking any med treatments she hires a pathologist to do her autopsy to determine and prove to doctors and family that she indeed does have worms. So far on her journey with doctors they have all labeled her as psychotic and delusional. Even with her insurance she has been unable to prove to doctors that she has parasites that have moved outside of the colon.

In this day and age very little is known about this disease, it is rare and there have been little to no studies on it by the medical system. Summer and I have much in common and talk daily. I continue to pound dog meds and Summer starts a suicide mission by death of starvation. She tells me that if she doesn’t eat for 40 days her body will die. She is on day 8. I have little faith that she will be able to carry out the 40 days, but she arranges her funeral preperations anyway. We become very good friends and though we disagree a lot we can symphasize with each other’s illness. The worms eating away at our muscles and sucking the nutrients from out livers, the horrid wormy mucus we spit daily and the awful wriggling inside out bodies.

Summer does endless research on how to prove worm infection to doctors to no avail. Doctors are of no help what so ever, there are no tests and no scans to prove this disease, it is a neglected disease.

Summer buys a rope and tries to hang herself unsuccessfully. She talks nonstop on different suicide methods for months on end until she finally settles on the starvation suicide. I on the other hand make weekly trips to the pet mart spending every last penny I have on medications. I fight to live, she fights to die.

She tells me about certain blood tests that can prove this disease, large blood palates and things the doctors endlessly ignore.I become extremely lonely and I only hear from Kirk once in a while.

He tells me he has fallen in love with a women in Massachusetts and is moving there to be with her. His words cut through me like knives. I let him go, I tell him to go. He also tells me that the church he tried to get going has gone belly up and that he’s lost $30,000.

He says he has lost his business and lost the church and is broke and extremely depressed and therefore leaving to start a new life with a new girl. I feel a huge sense of relief, finally the love affair with Kirk and my obsession with him is over. And God is just. Kirk deceived me, and the church deceived him.

Kirk tells me he will email me once in a while and I tell him to not bother. With Kirk out of my life I am now able to breathe and consentrate on my health again. We meet one last time before he goes, he invites me over for a night swim, just like the days of old, only this time Kirk refuses to swim and I splash around the pool alone. I give him a piece of my mind about the horrible way he treated me and he just sits on a chair by the pool with his arms over his head and bent over with his head between his legs. He lets me vent for hours.

He looks very sexy in his shorts and all the sudden the lust demons take over once again. We make love on the lounge chair by the pool one last time. Feeling drunk and remorse I hop into my Volvo and head to my silly, pink apartment.

The Breakdown

Kirk’s harsh words repeat over and over in my mind. “You’re a pig, I don’t love you.” I try to explain over and over to everyone again how sick I am, but no one listens. It’s now been over five years I’ve been ill.

The bills won’t stop, life won’t stop and I am dying a slow torturous death and I can’t hear Kirk’s sweet voice anymore. The heartache stings like a knife being twisted in its core. I tell myself I don’t love Kirk, I loved sex with Kirk. I am out of sleeping meds and don’t sleep the entire night. The worms are aggressive because they aren’t being drugged by the anxiety meds either. My life continues to fall apart, the weight heavy on my shoulders. Car insurance renewal time, rent due, phone bill past due, electric past due, and I need a new zapper, a super duper strong one, and I need more meds, and they cost hundreds. I am going through gas in my car like never before, at $4.00 a gallon, running on empty, no one to love, Dan and I hardly speak, his pretentiousness was too bothersome, rattling my nerves just being near him.

The girl next door that I use to go to church with got a DUI, her life collapsed, her and I exchanged ugly words, and another friendship is destroyed. She moved away this weekend. I am not speaking to anyone. I am so alone. Just me and the worms. The relentless worms.

The eyebright eyewash I bought has cayenne pepper in it, my eyes burn and sting like my heart. I do several serious sinus washes for the worm in my sinuses, my nose bleeds and stings, l and the worms wiggle nonstop, driving me mad.

I’ve finished two tubes of Ivermectin and Harod fought back hard. I think Harod won again. I’m having sever vaginal spasms and pain, my cervix burns,

I am also chain smoking the hand rolled harsh pipe tobacco cigarettes I made, the air is so thick in my filthy apartment I can’t breathe, my lungs burn, and I just keep pounding down the stenchy smoke. I rub coconut oil in my eyes, coconut oil is suppose to kill worms, it blurs my vision, and I’ve had zero sleep. I am nauseous from the herbs, and Meds. I keep all the doors and windows closed and want to talk to no one. Hope is gone. I’m terrified day and night, the only escape from the stress was sex with Kirk, now he is gone forever.

I buy a new TENS unit, an electrotherapy device, I pour Ivermectin and DMSO on my body and then slap on the TENS unit to keep the worms from moving and fighting back. This makes me glad, the worms cannot release their icky goo when I wear the TENS unit, it keeps them stunned. They cannot fight the meds I am pouring on that soak into my fat and muscles! I wear the TENS unit for ten hours a day, it’s a device with wires and 4 electro pads that delivers electricity through your muscles, it’s meant for pain but I wear it to keep the worms still. I wear it everywhere , I have wires sticking out under my dress and keep the main unit part between my breasts so I can have my hands free. Many people comment on it everywhere I go, they tell me “what a cool looking phone you have,” and I tell them it’s not a phone, one lady at the thrift shop I am shopping at see’s the device between my very large triple D breasts and brakes out in laughter, she tells me she remembers the days of old when women use to keep their change purses in their bras. The TENS unit runs on a 9 volt battery, I stock up on batteries from the dollar general and keep these worms stunned until I can find the cure for this awful disease.

The Scary Truth

When I was 44 I thought all Christians were at home reading their bibles and praying. I truly thought all Christians were good, and seeking Jesus and trying to keep Gods will. After 10 years of experiences with real people, I have discovered instead that most are all lost, selfish, disrespectful and are not listening to one word in the bible. The churches are corrupt, the hospitals are evil, doctors are not listening and killing people of all status because they do not listen, and are only pretending to know everything. Even so, we cannot live without doctors for necessary surgery and we put out trust in them hoping they do not kill us.

The truth about the medical system; Doctors will not help you if you go to their office alone. If you are sick and alone you most likely will not make it through treatment, testing and recovery, so they will not waste their time with you. You are left to fend for yourself, ill and alone. Most likely you will end up on the mean streets, sick and die. If a friend, relative or church has not been through the hell of surgery or long time illness they will not help you, if your church is poor, you will not receive enough help to survive the ordeal.

When I first became ill I told everyone that though I did not have insurance, I had a loving God and that was all I needed. I was wrong. Not many are getting miraculous cures in the real world.

The cost of living will continue to rise weather you are sick or not.

Landlords will not waive the rent or even so much as lower rent one dime because you are ill, no matter if they are Christian or not, no matter if you have been a tenant for years or not. Rent will increase every year, and things will be business as usual even if you are half dead.

This is a warning to all about the evils of the medical system, and the dangers of all of them. The story of one woman’s agony, fighting the medical system alone, with a disabling, neglected disease. I actually received more help from atheists and Buddhists than from Christians who were oh so happy for me that I was going to die and “going to be with Jesus,” before my time! I am forced to take a serious look at my faith and circumstances and really question my faith and beliefs, as I fight to live the enemy of God forces me into contemplation year after year.

Living ill and distraught and poor;

Sometimes I do not know if I can even write the horror I have endured, it’s almost just as scary writing it as it is living it. Living in a sick world with very primitive and poor living conditions unable to care for myself as usual and the world judging me is much like many stories in the Bible. It’s been over 2000 years since the crucifixion of Christ and the hearts of man have not changed, we are not a civil world, the barbaric cruelty is the same now as the yesteryears, only people are dressed nicer, wearing fancy clothes and expensive jewels in an attempt to “appear” to be civil.

The likelihood of anyone doing anyone else a favor without wanting something in return is next to nothing. The likelihood of someone who even merely feels scorned retaliating is almost 100% . I hold on to the word of God year after year about vengeance and such and in utter truth I sadly have to say that waiting for the Lords vengeance on those who have abused you is one of the hardest of Gods laws to keep. Not many can do it, thus the thirst for revenge is high in the world today. Most likely you will not see the God make things even in your life time. Though the Bible does say that God will even the score, and that you will see it, other than Kirk’s collapse I have not. Not in one single case of betrayal by friends, churches, lovers, ex loves, malicious doctors, greedy takers, not one iota of justice have I witnessed. Only injustice after injustice. Injustice that has piled so high on my shoulders, it has brought me almost to my death.

The mental games;

One of the strangest things I have encountered since being ill and weak is how others with severe mental problems voice that the sane person is the mental one. Beware of those ones. Much like in the movie Shutter Island, the crazy don’t know they are crazy. Also like in the movie The Sixth Sense where the dead don’t know they are dead, the mental will be the first to say you are the crazy one as they pop more and more psychotic meds and play with your head to the point you start to believe their evil lies. The only way to win this war of the minds, of good and evil is to terminate the relationship with those who are clearly mental. Terminate it fast and clean before they suck into a game you as a sane person do not want to play. This includes evil doctors who say you are mental because you have no insurance and are in their offices seeking help you cannot afford. To a wealthy doctor, the mere fact that you believe they will still help with your ailments and you cannot afford their services is considered mental! As a kindhearted, tender person one would expect mercy from the rich and powerful, this is a fools game. With wealth and power comes greed period. You will find no mercy. And your ignorance of this could destroy you as one doctor protects the other and they all follow suit and the label of mental the evil doctor has put in your file will follow you for life in their systems. If this has happened to you, you will need a lawyer to get the lies removed. So now you are sick, labeled mental, and need surgery, meds and a lawyer. I would put further attempts at getting medical attention on hold and go for the lawyer. You will get nowhere in the medical system anyway with the label of mental. You can be young or older and completely disabled or bedridden from a parasite illness and your test results will amazingly say unremarkable, leaving you a sheet of lies after lies to cope with. The only other option is to possibly leave the state and everything you own, in hopes a different doctor in another state will help you despite the fact that you are labeled mental and in perfect health according to your test results. Don’t think for one minute the testing centers and labs aren’t in cahoots with the doctors to get you to go away. One person with a slew of medical issues is worth millions of dollars in insurance funds that go directly into the doctor’s pockets, and one law suit of malpractice can drain those very pockets, the doctors will do everything in their power to not help you so that you cannot sue them. Even if you to die. Doctors see death every day they’re immune to it, and I recall Jesus’s words, “they did it to me, they’ll do it to you!

I am running around Florida with an infectious disease and have no money. The hospitals here will kill me, or let me die. I have zero support. I am experiencing severe muscle spasm from the worms and not one doctor believes me. I must really start praying hard, or I will die homeless. Everyone is so busy playing games, no one taking me serious. The bible says to flee to the next city when one prosecutes you, but I have no money to flee with. I go in and out of shock and cannot focus clearly.

I am in big trouble. My life is in serious danger, and I don’t know my next step. Maybe the saliva test, but having a hard time getting a doctor to even order it. They are trying to say I am crazy. Or a drug addict. This is not good. God Of My Fathers when will you battle for me? When Lord? When? Please Lord, please. Help me! Mother Dear Oh Pray For Me plays on the radio, St. Mary, mother of God, please pray for me!

First thing I need is money, and to try to stay one month ahead on my rent. Is this really happening? I was such a good girl, so in love with your son, why is this happening? How do you keep a moving train from coming at you, how do you keep a ship from sinking? Alone and terrorized. Alone and terrorized. What are we doing Lord? My GI doctor did a colonoscopy awhile back and said he didn’t see any tapeworms, even though I told him over and over that the worms have moved outside my colon. I asked my doctor if he had any experience with parasites at all and he dropped me. I want to run, and I have nowhere to go, nowhere to go. Just stay hidden and rely on Gods provision, stay quiet and suffer silently and keep doing what I am doing? I am trapped in the devils plan, unable to work, burping up what feels like battery acid.

Starve the worms, and then feed them only poison, drink a lot of water. I dream of huge heavy trucks slamming into walls and red velvet coats around my body meaning my body is in serious danger. On this path I will die. Show me your path oh Lord, set my feet upon your path. Please! Where do I go? Or do I stay? I am bleeding vaginally and in a lot of pain. What do I do? I have taken every herb I could afford for the worms. I learn Harod is a toad, fluke worm thing, and I need to find new herbs for toads, snails, worms, that live in humans.

No hospital. Hospital = death , death in a bad, hellish environment. They will just keep pumping me full of steroids, and steroids make the infection worse. No doctors, no hospitals, they don’t have a clue about this disease and they are making me look crazy. I fall deep into fear, and fear brings with it torment.

I keep repeating in my mind “I have a toad living inside me”, a huge one, and at least 7 other worms growing in me . Let no one know what you are doing, let some time go by, build some money and stay alert, and keep away from Kirk!

I have no support, I am in huge danger. My body want’s to lay down, my mind does not. “Let go of all of it, give it all to God,” I say aloud. A toad

God? Why? I scream daily. Only love will release the hurt, and no one to love. No one. I am utterly alone, and it’s too frightening to accept.

I don’t want to die. I study parasites on the internet, worms cause blindness, and my eyes severely burn, paralysis, and my muscles are twitching, and death. And I don’t have a coffin. I make a mental note to look for a coffin tomorrow at the thrift shop, oh my God, did I really just think that?

That I could find a coffin at the thrift store? I start to laugh, and I start to cry. Okay, I’ve had my melt down, now it’s time to kill these worms and regain my life back!

My friend who also suffers from this disease, the one who is commiting suicide by voluntary not eating calls and tells me I can have all her parasite meds. God has answered my prayer, and the fight for my life is on!

The worms are hurting me tonight. I have been attacking them hard with the Ivermectin and Praziquantel and cloves and enzymes and Albendazole. I have killed most the smaller worms, but there are at least 8 large ones I cannot get. I do research on Hepitica Gigantica, the huge fluke worm I named harod, and I look up a picture of this worm on the net. It is the worst of the worst of worms, all muscle and deadly, with huge suckers for mouths. I spend countless hours online on health forums and discover that there is no way to eradicate this worm, that it takes years and years if not a life time of meds and herbs just to stay alive, and any person afflicted with this disease can never really have a normal life, seclusion is inevitable, and if on the meds long enough hair loss and liver damage. I slow down on the meds and am now to do a liver flush. I drink 3 quarts of apple cider laced with baking powder for three days and then mix olive oil, 3 lemons, and dr. pepper together and apparently drinking this will completely detox my liver and gall bladder.

A forum I frequent puts me in touch with a doctor in Texas who is sending me a new medication without me paying him until I can. WOW! His act of kindness touches my heart. The medicine called Triclabendazole is hopeful to kill flukes. I await anxiously for the meds in the mail, chain smoking and watching horror movies. The medicine arrives quickly but it is not near enough to kill a fluke worm and the kind doctor want’s $400 for the rest of the meds.

My disability lawyer calls and informs me that my disability was not approved. I am sick, sick, sick and cannot handle the goopy slimy spit anymore, the acidy, toxic feeling and mucus that is never ending, the painful wiggling of the very large worms, who have made my body their home. They are spreading out to my arms and legs and my muscles twitch and Charlie horse and I still can hardly stand up from the weight of them in my back. They are packed in my back muscle like sardines and apparently from what I have read, there are no doctors that know how to kill them in the muscles.

While on the internet last night I stumbled upon a book called Final Exit. It describes medications for assisted suicide for people with terminal illnesses and no hope.

I have begun research in this, as I know my condition is terminal, and unless I want to live secluded and weak, with no love and wolves all around me, disabled and broke and depressed, and in shock and horror, I may have to take this into my own hands. The world will let me suffer gruesomely till the end, they will laugh as they take my last dime, and leave me sick and homeless. This is unbearable, but very, very real. I watch several videos of men and women drinking a deadly concoction of Nembutal, death with dignity it’s called, these people are in wheel chairs, suffer paralysis and denying God as they sip the deadly cocktail and await death, which comes within half an hour of drinking the poison.

From the research I have done, this deadly medicine is only available in

Mexico without a prescription and people with terminal illness are traveling to Tijuana, just across the border to get it to end their nightmare on earth and years and years of suffering. The Spanish country provides a choice to die painlessly, while American doctors provide humiliation, homelessness, long suffering and scorn and mental labels for the poor in death. What an ugly race we are. I realize that most Americans have strokes after going through our medical system. They die from the stroke, instead of the illness. Shame to our doctors and health care system. Maybe a possible non white president whom we have re-elected for another 4 year term will change things! I read that this president started United States health care as mandatory because hospitals were letting sick or injured people die because of lack of insurance.

I also learn that death with dignity is legal in five American states, Montana, Oregon, Vermont, Washington state and California. In those state it has to be prescribed by a doctor, unlike Mexico where it can be bought over the counter.

Oct 3, 2014

I do a massive amounts of Alinia with Praziquantel and Piperazine Citrate . It made a huge Impact on the large worms, stunning them to where they are hardly moving! I can still feel the 6” large ones making sort of a soccer goalie maneuver inside my abdomen and sides, one worm on each of my sides stretches out and lines up, another one stretches out across my belly fat, it’s something they do to coerse Harod to come out and lay it’s eggs, but Harod stays hidden and gurgling and does not come out. I feel pin prickly needle like sensations throughout my body and I am very weak from all the meds. I take a

4 day break from all meds.

A friend I met online offers to send me injectable Praziquantel and Albendazole. I am excited to try the injectable meds, my urine is cloudy and dark yellow from the harsh meds. He is mailing me the new meds, it will take a week or so in mailing.

I figure out that now my spinal fluid is blocked. I am experiencing extreme vertigo and a worm has moved across my back and into to my spinal fluid, and using too many sinus rinses has reopened a hole in my sinuses.

My spinal fluid is blocked and I am also leaking spinal fluid from my nose. A neurologist is desperately needed, but lack of money makes the appointment impossible. I will need a spinal tap, and nasal scope to have this diagnosed and there are no doctors I trust. The dizziness is unbearable, and the pressure headaches. I haven’t worked for a week. My finances are grave. My mind goes toward the Israelite slaves in the movie The Ten Commandments, the slaves were trapped against the sea with their enemies chasing them, “into the hands of God” says Moses in the movie.

I need to stay in bed, keep my head in a laying down position, so the spinal fluid can reach my brain, but I am tired of being bed ridden almost 5 years now, so I stay up and when I sleep I have only dreams of danger. I dream of my body covered in red, and a black streak across the left side of my brain. I puff on an E-cig, I am also chewing Nicotine gum, I am now trying hard to quit smoking.

My arms and legs go numb constantly and my colon has stopped working again. I learn of coffee enemas and vinegar enemas and start taking tons of papaya enzymes and keep my colon moving.

I receive the injectable meds in the mail and fill several syringes with the liquid meds. I am scared and my hands are shaky but I plunge the needle into my sides and belly and release the medicine into my worm filled body. I do this every day for weeks on end and have huge swollen lumps at all the injection sites and the worms seem unfazed. I decide to not do injections anymore and to drink the liquid meds instead.

Chip Taser

I decide to go to a different bar than I usually go to and I meet a very friendly man there named Chip. He’s a tall skinny man with a moustache and a look of deep sadness on his face. He is very pale with dark circles under his eyes, but seems very kind. Chip and I talk for many hours. I learn that he is going through a divorce that has left him very depressed and that 6 months ago he was sitting in his car with a gun to his head and that he did pull the trigger, but the gun misfired and that after the first misfire a stranger walked up to his car and talked him out of any further suicide attempts. He left his home, his, wife, his animals and all his possessions and drove here, to beautiful S.W. Florida and has been here for 6 months, trying to put the past behind him. Chip and I become fast friends and I tell him of my parasite ordeal and he suggest he come and stay with me for a while and help me figure it out and I say yes.

Chip pulls out his cell phone, and searches the web for something that puts out electricity that we can get right away, he looks at mini taser guns and studies how they work, and we are very excited and hopeful that the taser current may kill the worms. We sleep a little side by side on my king bed and Chip is a gentlemen and doesn’t touch me.

Chip gets up early in the morning and heads to the local pawn shop and purchases a mini taser. He texts me, I got the cure in my hands and will put it into your hands. Chip is wonderful, I don’t know him very well or where he came from, but I think he is an angel.

I wait for Chip to come home with the taser, my hands are a bit shaky and I haven’t showered in 2 days. I think about Kirk a time or two throughout the day, but he and I don’t talk or text anymore and the break up seems to be under control without too much heart ache. Chip is a writer and a very gentle soul and he writes several of the most beautiful prayers I have ever read. He is healing from his depression and re-connects with God here, and that makes me extremely happy. We buy a small bottle of red wine and some crackers and do communion here at the apartment. “Blessed are thee, oh Lord our God, who brings forth bread from the earth.” We Raise up the cracker and break it, and say together, “this is your body that was broken for us”, we eat the crackers,

“this is your blood that was shed for us”, we take a few gulps of the red wine”, “we do this in remembrance of you, our kind king, Jesus, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost”. Chip then takes the taser and shocks himself to test the strength. I focus on his expression on his face to see how badly the taser stings. His eyes are wide open but there aren’t any tears or anything that would suggest too much pain. He tells me it hurts but he thinks I can take it. I lift up my shirt and he places the taser right on Caesar the tapeworm in my back and shocks me there. It hurts more than I thought. He continues to taser my back several times and then we sit and wait and see if Cesar is dead. Unfortunately Caesar revives from the shock and is wiggling as usual. Chip returns the taser to the pawn shop the next day. We both agree that the extraction is going to be necessary.

After returning the taser Chip arrives at my pink apartment with a brand new turkey baster from Bed, Bath and Beyond, and some wound closure tape, he is focused and ready to do the extraction. I show him my cut kit and explain to him the rules about not calling 911 or taking me to the ER. I am still in a terrified state and go over the details for way too long, to the point of exhaustion, and we do not do the cut.

Having Chip here has been a huge blessing, I feel safer and am grate full for the company. Chip is a wonderful, sensitive man and we share our lives stories and he searches his mind for an answer that will save my life. He is prepared to do the cut the next day.

The next day we unpack the cut kit again and Harold is biting me hard, all the other worms are wiggling aggressively and now there seems to be several laying eggs and I cannot take anymore. Chip takes the biopsy punch to my back fatty pocket where a smaller worm buzz saws my muscle day and night and stabs me with it, the biopsy punch has lost its sharpness and won’t go through the skin! He pushes harder and chip is a strong man, but still it won’t go in, it won’t puncture the skin, he tries twisting it but it doesn’t cut, so I ask him to try using the scalpel. He tries to make a hole with the scalpel but the scalpel will not cut through the skin either! He pushes harder and I can feel the pressure he is applying but it’s not cutting. Maybe it was dulled from soaking it in peroxide? I don’t know- what’s wrong and Chip is bewildered, he looks at me with utter fear on his face and we are both completely puzzled. Okay, maybe there is too much muscle there in the back fat? We decide to try another spot. We choose to re-open the side punch that Kirk made long ago. Chip stabs me with the punch in the side, and again the punch will not penetrate my skin, he tries the scalpel and no luck. His hands are trembling and I think he is going to cry, I ask him to try some more with the turkey baster, it has a sharp point on the tip and he stabs me with it and it goes in about an eighth of an inch and I can feel him twisting it around just under my skin, nowhere near deep enough, Chip tries to sharpen the scalpel blade on a pumice stone that I had in my shower to use to scrape calluses off my feet, it’s still too dull, so we stop and decide to buy a new punch and scalpel and try again another day.

The worms knaw on me ferociously for the next 48 hours and I am spitting worm by product in huge blobs as they lay their eggs.

I lay on the bed and Harod is moving around a lot, I ask Chip to place his hand on my belly and try to feel Harod jump, Chip is kind and patient and places his hand on my belly and sure enough Harod jumps! Chip is the first person to feel Harod other than me . Chip takes his St. Mary and cross necklace off his neck and places them on my belly, these necklaces are very old and were given to him a long time ago, they are blessed many times over he explains, as I lay there with the necklaces on my belly my belly begins to rise, it slowly gets bigger and bigger like a balloon! Harod is doing something and It appears like my belly will explode, and then my belly starts to descend slowly back to normal size. Chip and I look at each other in terror.

Chips sensitive heart cannot take seeing me so sick, he borrows some money from his boss and we drive to the pet mart to get more dog wormer. He buys 2 packages, thinking that a stronger dose will work. I gobble them down with a tuna sandwich and wait. I have a few superficial cuts on my back, there is a perfect circle with a line going through the middle of it, it looks exactly like Saturn. I fill a needle with peroxide and inject it into both my back fat pocket and side to try to keep away any infection. The cuts are not deep and sting only a little. We are both very disappointed and very saddened.

Chip’s kind heart still believes in human compassion and he asks me if he can take me to the hospital E.R. because he thinks he can talk to someone there that will show us some mercy and help. I am touched deeply by his compassion but know that the people of the E.Rs’ here in S.W. Florida are like aliens with no hearts and try to explain to him that I have been 13 times and there was never anyone that showed me an ounce of compassion. He says he has a way with people, and they listen to him, however, Chip has no clue of the greed and evil here, he has only been here in Florida 6 months. Chip is determined to keep me alive and talks to me about possibly trying to get into a new doctor.

We decide to try drinking some gum turpentine and hop in my car to go get some. I look in the rearview mirror and I am looking ghastly, my hair is in knots from driving with the windows down so I tie it up in a ponytail and when we get to the store I ask Chip to go into the store and get it, it’s only $6. He gets the turpentine and we drive through Burger King and I get a cheese burger and onion rings and Chip mixes some of the turp into a water bottle, it smells like turpentine and is ghastly strong. I take a few bites of the cheese burger and it still tastes like battery acid but I gulp it down. Once home I go into the bedroom and lay down and close my eyes and think about the cut some more, when I open my eyes I see a huge tarantula spider crawling on the bedroom wall right beside my picture of Jesus, Chip is in the living room and I scream for him to please come in here fast. I show him the spider and ask him to grab a can of bug spray on the dresser and he sprays the tarantula and it falls onto a blanket next to the dresser stunned. Chip grabs a paper towel and catches the spider and quickly flushes it into the toilet. We both just stare at each other in silence.

Chip is still on the internet on his phone 24/7 trying to find a solution, he reads about tobacco killing worms and then he runs to the 7/11 and gets chewing tobacco and I swallow it down, it’s smelly, bitter and tough and I choke on the large string leafs. I go to the cabinet and get a new bottle of distilled vinegar and wash the chewing tobacco down with the vinegar. I cough and gag. Chip says he wishes he could feel my pain, so I place a large ball of the chewing tobacco in the palm of his hand and hand him the vinegar, his eyes get big, and he looks at me and swallows them both down.

We decide to watch a Jesus movie together, I am excited to share this heavily anointed movie with him. The music and story of Jesus Christ gently sooths his soul and mine and we connect on a spiritual level . And Jesus, in the form of the Holy Spirit is here, in my little, humble, silly, pink apartment.

Chip leaves for a while and I decide to take a shower, the towels on the shower rod are dirty so I reach for some clean ones on a shelf next to the shower, accidentely knocking down the hair dryer next to the towels, the hair dryer slams to the ground, and I am still in the shower, and I can smell the hair dryer smoking on the bathroom floor, and I am soaking wet and alone. I jump out of the shower and in shock just stare at the hair dryer that is on the floor, smelling the heat and fumes of it smoldering. I don’t know what to do. I text Chip, he tells me he is in the driveway and will be right there. Chip comes in and has again a puzzled look on his face, he looks at me and picks up the hair dryer calmly and throws it in the trash outside. We both just stare at each other in silence and then he says he is scared to leave me alone in the apartment, ever

Chip asks me to be his girlfriend and I tell him that I just went through a very emotional break up with Kirk, and that I don’t feel ready to be his girlfriend or to become sexually involved with him. Chip falls deep into his own depression again and tells me that he has to go to the mental hospital because he cannot shake off his feelings of suicide. My gosh, everyone I meet is suicidal.

Chip leaves the next day and checks himself into the VA mental hospital.

Apparently they don’t keep him very long and two days later I receive a text from Chip, it’s a picture of himself in his garage with a shot gun in his mouth, and the words “bang, bang, lights out.”

I am startled by the photo and it’s frightening me. Chip text’s me that he want’s to do a double suicide and shoot me and then shoot himself. I don’t want to die and I cannot get Chip to snap out of it, I end up blocking him from texting me and don’t hear from Chip for a very long time.

Cleaning Up Summer is sending me different meds to try and they should be here soon. I decide to clean up my apartment, the days are long without Kirk in my life and Chip gone. I find an old gallon of white paint and paint my bathroom walls and half of the living room, my back is aching badly from the broken S/I joint but I keep going. I go through my closets and drawers and throw away 7 bags of trash and I box up 9 tubs of junk for a future yard sale.

Like most girls who have ended a love affair I eat chocolate ice cream every night and dye my blonde hair a golden light brown, then the next week I dye it a yellow blonde. I still take my cut kit out once in a while and stare at it, and I never have the courage to do it alone.

My phone rings and it’s the IRS, they inform me that someone has tried to steal my identity and file a tax return in my name to get a refund. They tell me they have put a stop on the fraudulent tax return and tell me that I am being audited. I paid my $360 tax bill already and now they are saying I owe them

$968 in self employment taxes. I don’t know what I am suppose to do, I can barely pay my bills and afford food. I stare once again at my picture of Jesus on my wall and say nothing.

In order to keep my Obamacare I have to file taxes again for 2015 and I will owe another $1,200. My Obamacare deductible has rolled over for the new year and is another $500. And I still owe $250. from last year. I still cannot make any doctor appointments and I am still so very, very ill. The thrift shops get greedy and do not put out nice purses for me to resell anymore, and I am feeling hot and then cold and know I have an infection from all the meds and injections. Things look dire and since I don’t know what to do I buy tons of horror movies and watch them over and over again and stay in bed for days, listening to Joyce Meyers and waiting for Summer’s meds to arrive.

Joyce Meyers Teachings

“New level, new devil.” “When you ask God for stuff, it comes with a new fear.” “When you fight with the tools given to you and win, you go to a new level.” These are Joyce Meyers words from her teaching CD’s. I am asking for money, and a lot of it for surgery, first I need to learn the world, and how people react to money. Without the lesson, people would take my money and play me for a fool, and they will laugh, while they destroy me. Through this illness I have learned the true wickedness of the human soul.

I listen to “Overcoming Fear With Faith,” by Joyce Myers. She talks about how I will have to rely on God for everything. She mentions how God clothed the Israelites, and how their clothes never wore out.

I remember a time I had spent in Tennessee when I first became ill, But that is another story, that trip to Tennessee, and what happened there. The things I saw there sitting on a swing, in the dust, sick, in 102 degree heat with goats farting in my face.

Kirks Jesus Necklace

Today I look at the pictures I took of Kirks necklace, the necklace in one picture has its eyes open, I look at it again, “that’s not how I remember the necklace” “in his necklace of the face of Christ, the eyes are crying and closed”. I look at a 2nd picture and indeed the eyes are closed. I flip from one picture to the next, taken at the same time, one second apart, and I am puzzled. I shake my head. What the heck? I think I saw the eyes move on my Jesus picture the other day too. Something strange is going on again in this pink apartment . I have had that picture on my wall for 12 years, and now the eyes are moving, what’s going on here? What level is this? What’s going on? And I feel like I am in some kind of horror movie. “God has his eye on you,” says Joyce right at this exact moment. “WHAT’S GOING ON!” I scream. “ God uses who the world mis uses. God uses who the world abuses.” “do not worry about what everyone thinks”. “Pay day is coming” she says.” You go through the fire and the flood, he sees in secret, and rewards in the open”, she says.

“You know he’s called you”. And I remember why I liked Joyce Meyers so much. I feel Kirk is my assignment, but he won’t listen. So I don’t know what to do with him. I can’t teach someone that will not hear. “If they won’t receive you in that house, go to another” I recall from the bible. Joyce says do not run from your assignment, or where ever you go there will be two more demons,” but even still I run from Kirk.

“God will take what Satan meant for harm, and use it for good,” says Joyce on the CD. Her words go straight to my heart. She says “God will use EVERYTHING in my life for good,” and I feel hope. The worms buzz in my fat in my back and legs and I am in a lot of pain today, but Harod definitely is stunned from the meds I’ve been drinking, he has not laid eggs in 4 days.

I think about Kirk and how we had discussed the Bible story of Jonah, a man who went the wrong direction and was cast into the ocean and into the belly of a whale. I asked Kirk if he had read the end of the story, the part where God gives Jonah a piece of fruit with a worm in it. Strangely, as I read the story, the words in the bible were jumping off the pages.

Joyce talks about David and Goliath, and tells us to not fight Goliath without the right armor on. I lost a lot of my armor, people took it from me. Now Harod is my Goliath. “ God chooses you because of your heart,” Joyce says, and I know my tender heart is sweet to God. “Ask boldly, but respectfully what you will of God”, says Joyce.” And pray in faith, through love”.” But there is no love”, I say to the computer CD. “You walk in love”, she says. “Pray boldly”, says Joyce. “ But I have a toad me”, I say to the computer CD, and I feel speechless. I am ready to pop Harod out, today, and go to the doctors with Harod in my bloody hand!

My muscles all spasm from the worms, and I bow my head. “God choose you because you love him,“ says Joyce. I feel like I am in the fiery furnace, and the fire is very, very, hot. I cough a huge blob of mucus up and don’t feel good and thinking I am too late, dying seems to be inevitable. I am very, very sick, and I can’t help but reminisce and wonder if my wrong choices have left me for dead. If I can get the doctors to open me up for any reason, the worms will come out. But the doctors won’t ever listen, and the worms somehow stay hidden from every scan.

The taste in my mouth is sickening, I eat some beef jerky and sugary cereal to try to mask it, but it just makes it worse. There’s a huge film of thick white bi product from the worm on my tongue, it has the taste and consistency of Elmer’s glue. Several people, as well as myself mistook the white coated tongue for thrush, however test’s done by doctors have ruled out thrush and doctors have given no explanation for my thick white coated tongue.

I don’t even know how I am still alive. I should be dead. I should be being eaten alive under the soil, in my grave, not alive. This is not right! “Very wrong” , I say out loud.

I go in and out of panic, and check my emails to see if Kirk has written. He hasn’t and I am glad. I miss him but I think him leaving was best for me. I imagine he’s still suffering from his manic depression, even with the big move and the new girl, I imagine he’s still being pounded by life and realizes he’s made a huge mistake leaving Florida, it’s winter now in Massachusetts, and Kirk is a beach boy. I imagine in a very short time Kirk will return to Florida and I imagine him having wonderful sex with his new girl. I also can imagine all the lies he is telling her and all the games he is playing with her head and I thank God he hasn’t written me.

I have to wonder why no one I am close to has ever gotten sick. The internet says this is a contagious disease, but everyone close to me is healthy. Even with all the mucusy spit, Kirk remains in perfect physical health. If a worm happened to be passed to him through my saliva surely he would be showing signs or symptoms by now. I suppose his good digestive system has just eliminated any possible small parasite I may have passed to him. But still I wonder if he will eventually fall sick. Kirk never believed I had parasites and would never take any herbs or meds anyway.

I am unsure if this disease will become an epidemic someday, as of now there are very few ways to diagnose it through the medical system and no known cure. Summer has two little children who contracted the parasites from her and those children are in school sharing drinks and foods with coughs and runny noses. If doctors don’t start acknowledging this disease I can only speculate what the future holds if this disease becomes wide spread.

There is no need for anyone to go to another country to catch this disease, there are hundreds of thousands of immigrants from underdeveloped countries right here in the U.S.A. going back and forth to their homeland and not being checked for worms. If doctors won’t take responsibility and learn about the disease then it is completely up to the infected individual to find a way to stay alive. All I can do is treat myself and share my personal experiments. On the online health sites there are about 60 people suffering from this disease, and all are screaming for help from the medical industry and getting none. There are only two or three people on the website that have claimed to be cured from a massive hyperinfection of parasites. The meds Summer is sending me are part of the protocol designed by those few people who claimed to be cured from massive parasite infections. Summer did a lot of research on parasite disease and I want to include this, along with the experimental protocol on the internet. The information on the protocol has been tried by only a handful of people and I myself am next to try the protocol since Summer is giving up the meds and choosing to voluntary stop eating and die. She blames the doctors neglect for her dire health, she was put on massive IV’s of steroids while she had a stool transplant for colitis and C-Diff and the steroids caused the hidden parasites to multiply rapidly, causing her to become bed ridden, disabled and lose her family and her life.

In my experience, parasites do not kill quickly, from what information is available online people can live 15-50 years with this disease, suffering their entire lives. Whether Summer can actually stop eating long enough for her body to die is yet to be known. She is 37 years old. The following information is of my own and others personal experiments and is information told as personal experiments only. It is not to be taken as medical advice. Anyone with symptoms of parasites is advised to and should seek medical attention from a licensed medical practitioner.

Summer’s Research and personal experience on Parasite Hyperinfection:

Plagued By Parasites, Truth or Delusional? My story and its personal impact, by Summer Lakes, May 2015.

I am a 36 year old Caucasian female, graduate in psychology, of a college in

Florida. I have been married 16 years and have small two children. In 2007 I had experienced severe diarrhea, I consulted two doctors. The first doctor diagnosed me with IBS, the second doctors diagnosis was Celiac disease. I was put on 42 weeks of broad spectrum antibiotics for refractory UTI’s. The diarrhea continued despite the medical treatment and my health was quickly declining. I moved in with my mom for support and help with doctors and was put on disability. I have little appitite , nausea, gastric pain and continued diarrhea, and I can feel things moving around inside my leg muscles and fat and I have expelled many parasites from my GI tract. I am seeing several doctors, infectious disease, a GI, my GP and a psychologist. I was misdiagnosed with delusional parasites without proper attention to details of my symptoms and lack of proper testing. Most importantly I am concerned with the health of my children, who seem to have fallen ill as well. I loved to camp and hike and go canoeing and kayaking. After I became ill and had a stool transplant I became permanently disabled and bedridden. I was desperate for help and no one, and no doctors were even considering I might have a parasite infection. I learned that the testing that was available was not very reliable and that less than 1 % of WHO medical research funding goes into parasite disease research. I found a private parasite doctor who tested me for protozoan parasites and the test came back positive, however my GI refused to treat me for the disease. Instead my GI put me on dangerous Remicade and steroid IV’s causing my immune system to shut down. I was on a feeding tube through my stomach for seven months. I returned to my parasite doctor and was diagnosed with whip worm, toxoplasmosis, trichinella, and salmonella. This doctor was not covered by my insurance and his fee for diagnosing me was $5,000. The doc gave me UV light blood transfusions, and my own blood and rectal ozonated transfusions. Due to the high cost and distance I had to stop treatment and I started taking Humaworm capsules. This

I believe caused major scattering.

In contrast to my diagnoses with this doctor a new doctor I started seeing concluded that I did not have parasites after running his own blood and stool tests. I later discover that in order for a tapeworm to be detected in the stool the sample must contain a live worm. Not all stool samples contain worms, they sometimes come out in nests or are digested, therefore a lot of conventional stool tests produce false negatives.

(www.ncbi.nim.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3957779).

Other research on parasite testing documents lack of funding for testing procedures, there were significant reductions to laboratories for medical testing, processing shortcuts become commonplace, and a thorough parasite exam becomes hard to come by. (http;//parawellnessresearch.com/articles- yourhealth-pt1.html) Failure to detect larvae in the stool sample does not indicate absence of the disease. And a cure cannot be given on the basis of negative findings. (www.cidoxfordjournals.org/content/23/5/949.full.pdf)

Many doctors believe that parasite disease does not exist in the United States. In contrast the CDC reports parasite infections affect millions of U.S. citizens every year, causing serious illness, seizures, blindness, heart failure and even death.” And that no one is immune. (www.cdc.gov/media/DPK/2014/dpk-npi.html) The CDC targets 5 neglected parasite infections in the U.S. and notes that little attention , prevention or treatment has been given to these diseases, and that some, if left untreated can be fatal. (www.ivdresearch.com/strongyloides)

The presence of parasites in the U.S. is confirmed by other doctors and is noted that it is a myth that this disease only exists only in underdeveloped countries. (www.amymyersmd.com/2013/10/10-signs-you-may-have-a - parasite) You don’t need to travel to the jungle to become infected.

(www.DoctorOz.com)

The bodies balance of parasites becomes extremely dangerous when you dampen the immune system with steroids. (www.consumerhealthday.com)

The lack of treatment by the medical profession on parasites is sad for those plagued in the modern era. The problem is that most physicians are not taught about parasite disease and it is often not recognized until it is too late. (www.comsumerhealthday.com) “their ignorance could cost you your life.” is quoted by www.alternative-doctor.com . “The Southeast United States has the most cases of toxocara.” quoted by www.DoctorOz.com/Why Aren’t Doctors Finding Parasites?

I learn that there is a test called an ELISA test for parasites, however my insurance doesn’t cover that, and that the ELISA test is most accurate if done in the first year of the infection. (http//www.aafp.org/apf/2004/0301/p1161.html)

Summer is now on hospice and has a life expectancy of two months if she continues her voluntary stopping of eating.

Internet Protocol

The meds and herbs that I am trying after almost 6 years of parasite hyperinfection developed by a fellow parasite survivor online. This is experimental only and again should be viewed as my own personal experiment only. This is in no way to be considered medical advice.

The Major medications I am going to try are Praziquantel, Piperazine Citrate, Ivermectin, Albendazole and Alinia. The herbs I am going to take in conjunction with the meds are cloves, co q-10, spirulina and Paragone. Also I am taking liquid minerals and ramping zinc. I will also take an antibiotic.

I started the protocol with large amounts of Pyrantel pamoate and my hair started to fall out quickly. So I am no longer taking any Pryantel. Most likely the larger Trematode Fluke worm will still need to be extracted. Additional reading about parasite disease and extraction ; http://www.ncib.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2683840/

PART THREE