StarWipe Headlines COVER: Kelly Ripa Tells Us A Version Of The Story Where She's The Protagonist COVER: Celeb Diets So Crazy They Just Might Work QUIZ: Which Of These Stars Went To Harvard And Which Are Just Mouth-Breathing Dum-Dums? QUIZ: If You Were Ben Affleck Which Of These Films Would You Regret Most? TRENDWATCH: Waists So High It Seems They'll Never Come Down Again
Onion Headlines Horse Racing Inexplicably More Refined than Car Racing US Congressmen-Elect Eager To Leave Shitty-Ass Home State Daring New Show Features Good Guy Who Is Actually Bad Guy FIFA Chooses 2022 Snack Dad Teachers’ Appreciation Week Pales In Comparison to Entire Summer Off US Navy Sends 140 Adults To Spend Several Months Underwater For Some Reason (Submarine photo) Mere Human Thinks Spending $54 Online Gives Him The Right To Name A Star Chicago Yuppies Continue Long-Held Tradition of Pretending to Hate Wrigleyville POLL: New York City Ranked #1 City by New Yorkers First Grade Class Easily Convinced That They've Adopted a Whale LEAKED: NSA List of ‘Red-Flag’ Emojis World’s Oldest Tamagotchi Dies at Age 3 Clifford Dominates in Underground Dog-Fighting Ring “Kid Batman” Defeated by Arch-Nemesis, Luekemia Area Man Enjoyed Full Adult Life Without Ever Leaving Bass Pro Shop Struggling Screenwriter Burns USB Drive Of Original Works For Warmth World’s Best Girlfriend Amazed By Your Home Jeopardy Performance Mac OS X Update Dazzles With New Desktop Wallpaper Newly-Insured Americans Still Avoiding Medical Care
Newswire Pitches
Susan Sarandon Skips Party Entirely Hoping To Avoid Ex Just Like I Do http://pagesix.com/2016/05/18/susan-sarandon-skips-spin-opening-to-avoid-ex-boy-toy/ Sarandon missed Spin's San Francisco grand opening, hoping to avoid her Ex and his new squeeze, which is so cool, because that's exactly why I don't go to Skylark anymore.
ABC Reaches Out To Regis About Coming In For One Last Job http://pagesix.com/2016/05/02/abc-reached-out-to-regis-about-returning-to-live/
Eddie Izzard Marathons Generate $1m For Charity But Only Very Unrelatable Comedy Material http://www.people.com/article/eddie-izzard-runs-27-marathons-27-days-sport-relief Eddit Izzards ran 27 marathons in 27 days to raise money for charity, but generated no useable stand-up material.
Kate Spade Releases Minnie Mouse Collection Targeting Wealthy But Tasteless Consumers http://www.missopen.com/random/kate-spade-new-york-releases-limited-edition-minnie-mouse-collection/
Bruce Springsteen Promoting Truancy In California Schools http://www.etonline.com/news/184903_bruce_springsteen_gives_nine_year_old_fan_tardy_note_for_sch ool/ Terrible influence “The Boss” writes a tardy note for a 9 year-old fan.
The Sun Exposes Beyonce Clothing Line Sweatshops But Doesn't Provide Concrete Alternative Solutions http://pagesix.com/2016/05/15/beyonces-activewear-made-in-sri-lankan-sweatshop-report/
Feature Pitches
LIST: This Summer's Sexiest Tax Brackets Of course, "$413,201 or more" tops the list for single filers, but "$411,501 to $413,200" and "$189,301 to $411,500" are still getting us hot under the collar.
TRENDWATCH: Fashionable Fabric Tubes (Skirts, Tube Tops, Leg Warmers— Anything that's just a tube of fabric)
TRENDWATCH: Aztec Prints! Every example is paired with facts about the Mesoamerican civilization.
SLIDESHOW: You Won't Believe What Your Favorite Voice Actors Actually Look Like! It begins with typical side-by-sides of characters and actors, like Billy West next to Fry from Futurama; then some more surprising combinations like Linda Belcher/John Roberts, or Ash Ketchum/Veronica Taylor, or Tommy Pickles/Elizabeth Daily; then a few world leaders, like Queen Elizabeth and Obama, “voiced by” lizard people in disguise.
Which of your favorite stars do YOU think will join ‘The 27 Club’ this year? This slideshow would feature celebs who are 27 (or turning 27) like Daniel Radcliffe, Sasha Grey, and Haley Joel Osment, with a polling feature for readers to vote on whether or not their favorite celebs would die in the upcoming year, thus joining the cursed ranks. “The 27 Club” refers to the age many famous celebrities passed: Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, etc.
LIST: Top Celebrity Beefs Ranked by Beefiness Celebrity feuds ranked by sexiness: Sean Penn vs. Wyclef Jean, Shia LaBeouf vz. Frankie Muniz, Dave Letterman vs. Jay Leno, etc.
QUIZ: Pixie Cut Or Actual Pixie? Jennifer Lawrence, Tinkerbell, Anne Hathaway, Joan The Wad— who are the actual pixies, and who are just faking it?
Birthdays
Somewhere between her role as the lovable ingenue in The Princess Bride, and her cold-hearted psychopathic character in House of Cards, was a 14-year marriage to Sean Penn. Method actress Robin Wright is 50, and really getting into character.
At 7'4" and 520 pounds, he was an intimidating figure, but those who knew him said he had a big heart. Andre the Giant would've been 70 today.
If recent talks about playing the role of Lara Croft tell us anything, she hopes to be more of a Harrison Ford than a Mark Hamill. Star Wars: The Force Awakens star Daisy Ridley is 24 today!
This musician and activist may be best known for his contribution to the Spotify playlist of your insufferable friend who just got back from Hawaii. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole would've been 57 today, and no, we don't want to watch an iMovie from your trip, Jamie.
This pro-skater taught us everything we know about skateboarding: the ollie, the kick-flip, the benihana, the stalefish, the madonna, the tail grab, the kickflip mctwist, the 540 board variable, and the 900. Tony Hawk is 48 today, and you gotta hold A to crouch.
She may have come in 3rd on Dancing With The Stars, but she came in first when it came to capitalizing on Full House nostalgia. Candance Cameron-Bure is reprising her role as birthday girl, but this time, she's 40!
His 2014 film, Wish I Was Here, raised $3.1M from a Kickstarter campaign, demonstrating just how gullible Scrubs fans really are. Zach Braff is 41, and probably making the playlist for his birthday party himself.
These identical twins spent a combined 26 seasons in the NFL. Ronde and Tiki Barber are 41, or a combined 82 years old, today!
Although she’s often characterized for her disgruntled or smoldering facial expressions, she’s usually quite fatigued. The personification of ennui (Photo: Kristen Stewart) is 26 today!
She may be the only actress who is even more Dakota Fanning-esque than Dakota Fanning. Elle Fanning is 18 today!