Life as a Reluctant Immigrant: An Autoethnographic Inquiry by Dionel Cotanda A dissertation submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy Department of Communication College of Arts and Letters University of South Florida Major Professor: Arthur P. Bochner, Ph. D. Carolyn Ellis, Ph. D Eric Eisenberg, Ph. D. Madeline Cámara, Ph. D. Date of Approval: July 22, 2019 Keywords: autoethnography, displacement, exile, identity, memory, narrative, survivor, ambiguous loss, unfulfilled dreams. Copyright ©2019, Dionel Cotanda ACKNOWLEDGEMENT Throughout this dissertation I give thanks to many of my professors and fellow students whose knowledge and support helped me in the process of writing it. Now I want to dedicate this dissertation to the members of my committee and my family for the continued and unwavering support they provided during this long process. My mentor, teacher, and friend Dr. Arthur P. Bochner rekindled my passion for learning, never doubted I would finish, and stood by my side every step of the way. Dr. Carolyn Ellis gave me permission and encouragement to bring my emotions forward using autoethnography as a method. Dr. Eric Eisenberg exposed me to issues of identity and displacement and encouraged my desire to pursue infinity in all directions. Dr. Madeline Cámara not only provided support for my endeavor, but also insights on Cuban culture and literature. I also want to include my maternal grandfather, father, and mother who left Cuba to be with me; my wife Marina who has been an integral part of my life for sixty years; our daughters Ileana, María, and Lourdes who brought a light of hope to our life as exiles; our granddaughters Alexis and Sarah whose love and admiration we cherish; and our sons-in-law Amador and Sixto who play an important role in our lives. TABLE OF CONTENTS Abstract .......................................................................................................................................... iii Introduction ......................................................................................................................................1 Cuban Consciousness...........................................................................................................2 Exile .....................................................................................................................................3 Chapter One: Life in Cuba ...............................................................................................................7 My Early Memories .............................................................................................................7 Rise of Castro .....................................................................................................................10 La Revolución ....................................................................................................................12 Pledge of Allegiance ..........................................................................................................17 Lust at First Sight ...............................................................................................................20 Bearing Witness .................................................................................................................24 A coupe d’état to Democracy ............................................................................................28 Departure............................................................................................................................40 Chapter Two: Life Outside of Cuba ..............................................................................................43 Arrival ................................................................................................................................43 An Interlude: An Unrealized Future ..................................................................................44 The Wedding ......................................................................................................................45 The Fiasco ..........................................................................................................................46 Hope ...................................................................................................................................48 Training to Help Bring Democracy Back ..........................................................................50 Kennedy’s Sons .................................................................................................................52 A Promise Made ................................................................................................................53 An Interlude: A Reflection.................................................................................................55 Training Ends: A Request to Fight Communism ...............................................................56 The Reluctant Immigrant ...................................................................................................58 A Puzzling Question ..........................................................................................................59 The Entrepreneur ...............................................................................................................61 Chapter Three: Back to School .....................................................................................................64 The Making of a Bostrom Young Scholar .........................................................................67 The Presentation.................................................................................................................69 Rhetorical Artifacts: Method, Purposes .............................................................................70 Cuba, Castro, Exile ............................................................................................................70 Castro: Rhetoric of the Actual–The Present ......................................................................72 Cuban Exiles: Rhetoric of the Possible – The Future ........................................................81 i Conclusion .........................................................................................................................86 Chapter Four: Identity, Displacement and memory .......................................................................90 Chapter Five: ¡Déjame ir! “Let me go”: Father’s Death, Lingering Memories.............................97 An Epilogue .....................................................................................................................116 Chapter Six: Remembering, Forgetting, Forgiving: On Losing Mother .....................................119 Chapter Seven: A Reluctant Immigrant .......................................................................................137 A Meaningful Life ...........................................................................................................140 An Ambiguous Loss: An exile’s memory work ..............................................................141 Legacy ..............................................................................................................................146 Epilogue: My Unfulfilled Dream .....................................................................................149 References ....................................................................................................................................152 Appendix A: Methodological Research Process for Dissertation................................................163 Table of Recordings .........................................................................................................165 Appendix B: Interview Questionnaire .........................................................................................166 ii ABSTRACT In this dissertation, I draw on memories inspired and heightened by compassionate interviews in order to produce a unifying narrative of interactions with family and friends prior to and following my exile from Cuba in 1960. I use autoethnography and narrative inquiry to understand how I made the decision to leave Cuba and the life I have lived in exile for almost sixty years. My dissertation focuses on what it means to live as a reluctant immigrant and how historically constituted power relations define the identity of many Cuban exiles. I discuss and contrast the politics of passion and the politics of affection. The politics of affection undermine the goals of the politics of passion; the moral imperative of what ought to be is not achieved and becomes an antecedent of the necessity to exile. The story I tell draws attention to memory, identity, displacement, the experience of ambiguous loss, the sadness of unfulfilled dreams of return, and the decision to live in exile as a survivor not a victim regardless of my disenchantment and resistance to the Castro Revolution. iii INTRODUCTION A literature born of exile is a literature that by force has to rely on memory and imagination more than any other since the cultural reality of an exile writer is no longer available to fuel his or her creativity (Alvarez Borland 1998, p. 157). 1 In this dissertation I will attempt to understand the experiences leading to and following my departure from Cuba. I want to make sense of the events leading to my decision to leave Cuba and how that decision shaped