Two Decades of Reflections by a Gay Fertility Doctor
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HEAD SPINE TWO DECADES OF REFLECTIONS BY A GAY FERTILITY DOCTOR TWOA Collection DECADES of Published Essays OF REFLECTIONSon LGBT Family Building BY A GAY FERTILITY DOCTOR A Collection of Published Essays on LGBTGuy Ringler Family M.D. Building Guy Ringler M.D. HEAD SPINE TWO DECADES OF REFLECTIONS BY A GAY FERTILITY DOCTOR A Collection of Published Essays on LGBT Family Building Guy Ringler M.D. CONTENTS INTRODUCTION MY PERSONAL JOURNEY 10 How A Strip Mall Gay Bar In Detroit Helped Me Come Out The Advocate, October 2016 1 13 Gay Fertility Doctor On Twenty Years Of Helping To Build LGBT Families GLAAD, June 2015 LGBT FAMILY BUILDING BECOMES A REALITY 18 Here are the 5 steps for gay men to start a family through surrogacy LGBTQ Nation, March 2019 2 20 Looking Back On Two Decades Of Helping Gay Men Have Kids Huffington Post, September 2014 24 The Shifting Meaning Of Valentine’s Day For Gay Families Huffington Post, February 2016 27 Back-To-School Brings Reminder Of Pride To This Fertility Doctor Huffington Post, September 2015 30 What I Really Want For Christmas: How To Tell Your Family You’re Having Kids Huffington Post, December 2014 REPRODUCTIVE MEDICINE CAN HELP ALL LGBT PEOPLE 35 Poz People Can Still Have The Family They Have Always Dreamed Of The Advocate, November 2014 3 38 Why Trans People Should Take A Pregnant Pause Before Transitioning LGBTQ Nation, November 2016 41 This Is What She’s Dealing With During Her IVF Cycle Good Men Project, June 2016 45 Don’t Let Low Sperm Count Undermine Your Manhood Good Men Project, August 2016 48 Lesbian Couples Can Have Children Who Are A Part Of Each Of Them LGBTQ Nation, September 2017 52 Unsung Heroes: Surrogate Mothers To Same-Sex Couples The Advocate, May 2018 - 4 - LGBT FAMILY BUILDING AROUND THE WORLD 57 How I’m Helping The Chinese Gayby Boom 4 The Advocate, April 2015 61 Having A Child On The Way Smooths Coming Out Conversations In China The Advocate, June 2017 65 A California Doctor Is Helping Build Gay Families In Japan The Advocate, January 2016 68 People In Spain Have Access To More Family-Building Options Than Many Realize LinkedIn, September 2017 70 Fatherhood Is Finally Within Reach For Some Gay Men In China The Advocate, April 2019 WE MUST CONTINUE TO PURSUE NEW FREEDOMS 77 We Can’t Use 1915’s “Biological Reality” To Assess 2015’s Marriage Equality 5 Huffington Post, June 2015 80 Get Ready For Embryos From Two Men Or Two Women Time, March 2015 82 Why We Are Orlando Huffington Post, June 2016 - 5 - INTRODUCTION Dr. Guy Ringler When I started my work in LGBT family building over two decades ago, I questioned whether the children of two gay dads might be adversely impacted by not having a mother to help raise them. I had experienced a wonderful and supportive upbringing by two parents – a mother and father – and wondered what it would be like in a household without a mother. Did we have an obligation to provide each child a mother and a father? After some of my deepest soul searching, my conclusion was that all we needed to guarantee these children was one thing: love. Over that time it has been wonderful to see so much of the rest of the world find its way to similar conclusions. We have seen incredible ad- vances in the field of reproductive medicine with a tremendous increase in the chances for many people to have children. The success rates of fertility treatments are higher today than ever before. Those inspiring advances have paralleled once-unimaginable progress for the rights of gay men and women to live their lives freely. Increas- ingly people around the world are accepting gay men, lesbian women and transgender people into their homes, their workplaces and their lives. As we find our way into the mainstream of modern culture, more barriers get broken down every day. The new freedoms available to LGBT men and women include the abil- ity to marry their partners and to have children of their own. To marry the person that you love and to have children together are basic human rights that everyone should be able to experience. Increasingly, that is our reality. As our societies evolve and reproductive rights grow to include many gay men and women from around the world, our families grow bigger and more diverse. Clinical studies have now shown that children raised in households with LGBT parents fare just as well as (if not better than) children raised in two-parent/two-sex households. As the children from gay families grow up in our communities, attend our schools, and become our future leaders, we all benefit from the diversity and the inclusiveness. - 6 - INTRODUCTION Dr. Guy Ringler Some of my surrogate mothers have shared their stories with me of interacting with people in their local communities, telling them that they were carrying the babies of gay couples. These proud and committed women have told me how enlightened and supportive most people have been when hearing of their great work in helping to build families for gay people. The love for children allows many people to set aside their personal and cultural differences on how a family is composed. People want to support families. I’ve seen many gay men from China delay telling their parents that they’re gay until after they’ve brought their children home. The parents are very supportive of the children − their grandchildren − and do not care very much how they were conceived. The love for the child wins out. I have been blessed to help same-sex couples around the world − in Japan, Spain, England and so many other places − build the families of which they have always dreamed. While there is still a long way to go in many corners of our planet, the embrace of families led by gay men and women is increasingly becoming worldwide. As I look back over my work in this rapidly evolving field, I have an immense sense of pride to have participated in the development of such a diverse group of families. In these pages you will find some of my most powerful revelations, stories and lessons I’ve learned in those two-plus decades working with people – LGBT and otherwise – who have taught me as much about family as I have brought to them. There is a wonderful quote displayed on the Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan, where I did my undergraduate studies: “Children are the purest form of the human race because they are the freshest from the hands of God.” It is right and proper to nourish, love and care for these pure forms of people, and I look forward to working with so many other loving people to bring more children into this world. - 7 - - 8 - MY PERSONAL JOURNEY A Strip Mall Gay Bar In Detroit Helped Me Come Out The Advocate, October 2016 Gay Fertility Doctor On Twenty Years Of Helping To Build LGBT Families GLAAD, June 2015 - 9 - A STRIP MALL GAY BAR IN DETROIT HELPED ME COME OUT The Advocate, October 2016 When I was a young medical student in the early 1980s, the gay world was a complete unknown to me. Growing up, I had no gay friends that I knew of. There were no Will & Grace or Mitchell and Cameron on TV. In Michigan, where I went to school, sex between two men was, shockingly, illegal. In medical school in Detroit planting the seeds for my future, having just finished my undergraduate work at the University of Michigan, I was as closeted as could be. Keeping my sexuality a secret to virtually everyone through high school and college was paramount. I could never come out. I had learned how to hide myself in books and to suppress my sexuality for years while studying to gain admission to medical school. I was excellent at avoiding my sexual identity issues. Nothing, I had decided, would interfere with my goal to become a physician and a respected member of the community. If I had to bury the potential of complete personal happiness, so be it — my professional life was too important. That was what fear of public reprisal did to so many gay men, particularly professionals, my age. In the ’80s and ’90s it was not only “not cool” to be gay, it was politically high-risk for career aspirations. Being an aspiring doctor, I imagined people’s irrational fears would run to protecting themselves, as well as their children, from a gay man. How could I ever be a trusted doctor in the community if I had sex with men? Being gay was still worse than a dirty word. Even before we knew what AIDS was — in the very early ’80s it was just called the “gay cancer” — gay men lived in fear of public reaction. Yet as I approached my mid-20s in Detroit, I realized more and more that I couldn’t keep hiding myself from everyone, or life and happiness would pass me by. Fortunately, the secret gay world was alive and flourishing. - 10 - The first gay bar I ever visited was called Backstreet, in a strip mall in Detroit. It was located in an area known for crime, so the parking lot was well-lit and bustling with security guards — guards I did not want to see me walking in or out of said bar. I would walk quickly, head down, from my parked Volkswagen Rabbit to the bar entrance on a Saturday night.