Transfo rming transport Discovering Titan Regal rock Let the games begin All the latest news from the Huygens’ mission to the Kings of Leon impress our Our new section launches with Square Mile, page 3 mysterious moon, page 4 reviewer, page 16 Half Life 2, page 26

The student newspaper of Imperial College ● Established 1949 ● Issue 1309 ● Thursday 9 December 2004 ● www.felixonline.co.uk

On your bike Why travelling by good old- fashioned push-bike is ben- Exam anguish as students suffer ill eficial to you and the environ- ment. uCOMMENT page 10 effects of short Christmas break Lots of letters Student discounts, sandwich By Dave Edwards Stephen Message, a fourth not asking for anything that able to learn the information representative, told Felix: prices, tolerance, Christmas Editor year student in aeronautics, hasn’t been given in the required. “Let this be a lesson for trees and international stu- told Felix: “It’s absolutely past,” adding that in previous Prof Hillier added that “the future years of the impor- dents are among the topics Fourth year aeronautics crazy for revision time to be years three or more weeks only realistic option is to tance of forward planning, for covered this week. students face the difficult this short. I don’t know how have been available for revi- move the exams back by two both the aeronautics depart- uLETTERS page 9 prospect of having only the they can honestly say that we sion before the fourth year days”, but even this may not ment and the College. two-week Christmas break to can revise for six 20-lecture finals. be possible due to students “The general consensus is Brilliant band revise for their final exams. courses in two weeks.” Professor Richard Hillier, attending job interviews that we have been given a The Imperial College Big Due to timetabling issues Lectures run up until the head of the aeronautics and the fact that the exams highly stressful and unfair Band take the gold award at and the way this year’s end of this term, on Friday 17 department, said that he had are shared with third year task at a pivotal stage of our the National Concert Band College term dates have been December, and the first exam “enormous sympathy about students who start projects degree, which could have Festival. arranged, they will have to is scheduled for Tuesday 4 the need for revision time” almost immediately after- been avoided in the first uCL UBS AND SOCIETIES spend the entire ‘festive’ sea- January, the first day of the but believed that two weeks wards. place at the cost of just a lit- page 13 son revising for five or six new term. was “a realistic timescale” Sam Wolfenden, the fourth tle extra timetable planning 20-lecture courses. Mr Message said: “We’re in which students should be year aeronautics department and thought.” RSM to Radio 1 Felix invites Ian Betts back to College to find out how an Imperial graduate has become one of the most NHS set to waste talked about names on the London trance scene. uNIGHTLIFE page 18 £20bn, says Imperial The best of 2004 Our esteemed film editor professor’s report chooses his top five movies of the year. Plus competitions By Dave Edwards social housing programme.” and reviews of three of the The report said that a good week’s new releases. £20bn per year will be wasted example of reform could be uFI LM page 23 on the National Health Service seen in accident and emer- (NHS) by 2010, according to gency departments, which a report by Nick Bosanquet, have been given only an extra THIS WEEK Professor of Health Policy at £30m per year but have great- News page 2 Imperial College. ly improved waiting times by Business page 3 According to The Times, changing working practices. the report concludes that the Prof Bosanquet has a long Science page 4 NHS is improving, but at a track record of healthcare Comment page 8 high and unnecessary cost. analysis, having advised the Around Campus page 11 It finds that a reformed serv- Health Select Committee What’s On page 15 ice could have been provided and the World Health Music page 16 for around £90bn per year, Organisation. The report was Nightlife page 18 instead of the £110bn that is published by the think tank likely to be spent by 2010. Reform. Arts page 21 Prof Bosanquet said: Books page 22 “International evidence Film page 23 shows that reform can be a Games page 26 pretty powerful way of get- Coffee Break page 28 ting more output from exist- Sport page 30 ing capacity. If we had had limited extra funds, plus reforms in the way the This is the last Felix of system works, we could term. The next issue is have had a superb NHS published on Thursday for 9% of GDP. Instead, 6 January 2005 we shall be spending On the road again 10.5 to 11% of GDP, Merry Christmas an extra £20bn. That to all our readers Bo’, the 102-year-old motorised mascot of the City & Guilds College Union, made the would be enough journey from London to Dartmoor. Report: page 12 to fund the entire Felix 2 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Issue 1309

Editor Dave Edwards

Business Editor Numaan Chaudhry

Science Editor Darius Nikbin

Music Editor Andrew Sykes

Nightlife Editor Simon Clark

Arts Editor Paola Smith

Books Editor Martin Smith

Film Editor Alan Ng

Games Editor Alex McKitrick

Felix Beit Quad Prince Consort Road London SW7 2BB Telephone: 020 7594 8072 Email: [email protected] Web: www.felixonline.co.uk Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711 Copyright © Felix 2004 Printed by Sharman and Company, Peterborough

NEWS Brown and the budget How the national press reacted to the Chancellor’s pre-budget report

By Emily Gwyer that the Chancellor put for- of these bills have no chance ward were all based on the of becoming law before the This week saw the announce- family: to increase paid mater- House is closed for the elec- ment by the Chancellor of the nity leave to nine months, to tion. Basically, he could say Exchequer, Gordon Brown, of extend nursery places and whatever he wanted. his plans for the next year the Sure Start scheme, and to The Financial Times also in the pre-budget report. give single parents an extra warned that the chances of This might seem a bit dry, £40 per week if they go back to tax rises after the election but it sets out the way that- work. All very voter-friendly. are high, and The Observer the Labour party will run the The Sun described the pointed out that Brown is country for the next year, and Chancellor as “spraying £50 nearly always right, unlike as this is an election year, notes at babies, mums and his “self-righteous and nearly possibly the next four years dads” – nothing to complain permanently wrong critics”. as well. The Budget report about there, you would think. The proposals were very was very political indeed this The proposals are also, how- popular, however, and very year, which hints that Labour ever, really rather expensive. Brownite in their focus on will be using the economy as This surprised a lot of people family policies and away from the centre of their general who were expected some sort the law, order and terror- election campaign. of mention of the fact that the ism cocktail that had been The pre-budget report was economy appears to be down- the Queen’s Speech a week widely described as being turning, and that Brown before. This excited a lot of unexciting, focusing as it did might not meet his famous commentators into thinking on causes that nobody could but strict self-imposed Golden that this was Brown’s mani- moan about. The Telegraph Rule – that spending matches festo and he was going to set did, admittedly, have a go, but investment over the electoral out his stall for the leadership it was a bit half-hearted: “If cycle. But those commenta- of the Labour party. this is the man who is likely tors had obviously forgotten Perhaps they are being a to personify Labour’s next that this is an election year bit premature, but it does incarnation in power, it is vital and therefore all facts which appear that Brown will have to know what he proposes to are not 100% positive and to do something soon, seeing do with the national wealth spinnable for the Government as Blair has declared that he whose growth he believes is are brushed under the carpet. would like to serve throughout his achievement. Yesterday, In addition, it was pointed out the entire (four year) term. he gave a clear and ringing that the fact that this is an So it may be that we see some answer to that question: he election year means that this action from Brown before the intends to spend it.” is a very short parliamentary election, if he believes that it The most important ideas session and therefore many may be his only chance. The Sun described the Chancellor as “spraying £50 notes at babies, mums and dads” Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 3

Business [email protected] Latest from the Square Mile From Ukraine to the heart of London, Numaan Chaudhry has it covered

Viktor vetoed ble at the anticipated time and money lost through the Tens of thousands of scheme. To make things Ukrainians rejoiced at worse, or better as the case the overruling decision by may be, children at the age Ukraine’s supreme court last of seven will receive an addi- Friday to dismiss last week’s tional £250 funding by the elections. government, on top of the Instead, the court declared £250 given to newborns. If December 26 the date for the that’s not enough to get you re-vote, thus putting Viktor moving, £1720 is up for grabs Yanukovych, who will from when claiming child tax cred- hereon be referred to as it, for those whose income Yank, and Viktor Yushchenko, falls short of £13,000. who will be referred to as Yush, back into the ring for Christmas boom the presidency. expected Yush hailed the court’s rul- ing as a triumph over Yank’s The Santa Claus rally is the attempt to crush democratic term coined for the tradition- power by rigging the elec- al rise of stocks across the tions. The previous president, board. Ask any expert and Leonid Kuchma, was intent they’ll tell you that Christmas on restarting the entire is the best time for invest- election from scratch in an ing. I concur. From an influx attempt to bring someone of retirement money to pen- into the contest alongside sion managers trying to boost Yush and Yank. their performance, all con- Vladimir Putin, the billion- tribute to rising stock prices. aire Russian prime minister, If you haven’t got the mes- offered no reaction to the news sage... invest now! as he hid his fury behind a veil of adjectives aimed implicitly Lazard IPO delayed at the US, the driving force behind the re-elections. Putin Lazard, one of the most pres- had backed Yank from the tigious, renowned and amaz- start of his campaign and the ing (you can tell I love these judgment was seen as a blow guys) advisory services, has to their mutual relationship. extended the ultimatum to Bruce Wasserstein as to Dollar makes U-turn when the firm is to go public. The IPO, which would value Last week saw the dollar slip this beautiful organisation to a meagre 1.34 against the at $1.6bn, would raise suffi- euro, 101.9 against the yen cient funds to extend its glo- and a 1.94 against the pound bal reach and compete with sterling. The fact that crude the likes of Morgan Stanley, oil prices have dropped to Merrill Lynch, Citigroup and $44 from their record high of JPMorgan. $55 in September was a cru- cial factor in uplifting the US Fishy findings trade deficit and hence the dollar currency. The Government made Although there’s no rea- another blunder earlier this son to believe that this drop The beginning of a long mission: Transport for London prepares itself for a 30-year transformation of its infrastructure week by contradicting itself should continue, since OPEC on its advice on fish consump- is trying frantically to slow rency actually hopped to a CSFB eliminates advantage of their structured as free from any outside pres- tion. supplies and build invento- new high of 4.16 against the ‘duplicates’ products over the competi- sures and be knowledgeable Apparently, because of the ries, oil’s volatility could dic- euro. Polish prime minister tors. in all of the various types of volume of fish consumed tate otherwise. Marek Belka last week raised Credit Suisse First Boston, Clearly, CSFB has two public and private investment in the UK, depleting fish- The zloty also looked strong- doubts about the zloty’s abil- the subsidiary of Swedish options: get rid of one unit or categories. This ‘depolarisa- ing grounds are becoming er than ever. Despite sound- ity to sustain its levels. giant Credit Suisse, out- combine them. It goes without tion’ from any specific type of more common and we should ing like a south Australian lined plans earlier this week saying that if you’re applying service should give the cus- reduce our intake to less than kangaroo, the Polish cur- TfL – Red Alert to remove certain divisions to either of these areas for tomer a better selection of two portions a week. But within its global operation in an internship (it’s now too products to choose from. Government health officials Brace yourselves (no pun order to harness its growing late for full time), you should stated that we should eat at intended) for Transport for losses. Among these, equity reconsider your options. You can do it... least two portions a week. London’s (TfL) latest initia- research and securities Luckily, nothing was said tive. A £200m new bond issue origination are notorious for “I’m a multi-tied If you put your back into about burger consumption, is to be sold in a bid to improve reproducing work of the same independent adviser” it! Ice Cube’s response to so this affects none of us. our capital’s transport infra- nature. Gordon Brown’s pre-budget structure. The bond, due to Equity research consists of This is the statement many report sums up my feelings Chaudhry’s ratings mature in 2034, will be sold at a bunch of specialists, nor- thousands of financial prod- exactly. By ‘putting your back a spread of 0.5 over UK gilts, mally in an industry sector, ucts specialists will be into it’, you could be entitled I foresee GlaxoSmithKline the standard priced govern- region or product group, who forced to rant daily after new up to nine months off work, Beecham, who are anticipat- ment bond. advise potential clients on rules were introduced on according to Brown’s plans ing approval for a new drug The 0.5 spread has been which equities, or shares, to Wednesday last week. to increase paid maternity with the FDA, to jump in criticised as low, considering invest in. The new legislation leave. stock price. The drug sup- the double-A rating carried Securities origination gurus demands that distributors of Although this will form reg- posedly eases intestinal pres- Gordon Brown seemed by TfL and the relatively poor structure securities, a form special services, including ulation at the beginning of sure by preventing some fat happy with his annual infrastructure of the trans- of collateral, and try to win unit trusts and pensions, will next year, small businesses getting absorbed in the blood PBR on Friday last port network. over business by proving the need to declare themselves are already starting to grum- stream. Felix 4 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Science [email protected] This is Titan In January 2005, the Huygens probe will attempt to land on the largest moon in the solar system. What it will find there remains a complete mystery to scientists. David Osumi-Sutherland reports on the countdown to Titan

It’s raining methane today. A oily sludge. dramatic storm is throwing up The truth is, Titan is one of huge waves of methane that the most mysterious objects lash the ice cliffs. From out of in our solar system. It is per- the orange clouds descends manently shrouded in a thick a metal disc suspended from orange smog that, until last a large parachute. Inside the month’s close encounter with disc, sensors hum analyzing the Saturn orbiter Cassini, the chemical and physical has completely obscured the properties of the atmosphere surface from human view. while cameras record the Cracking Titan’s secrets may tumult below and the view have wider implications for out to the horizon. The disc scientific knowledge than approaches the ocean emit- merely filling in a gap in our ting a pulsing sound, sensors knowledge of the solar sys- alert to echoes from the sur- face and the ocean’s depths, “The truth is that Titan before disappearing into the is one of the most crashing surf. Bad science fiction? mysterious objects in Possibly. But it’s also a plausi- our solar system. It is ble scenario for the Huygens mission to Saturn’s moon permanently shrouded Titan in January 2005. The in a thick orange basic elements – methane smog...” rain, a hydrocarbon ocean with huge waves, and cliffs of tem. Titan’s atmosphere of ice – were outlined by one of nitrogen and hydrocarbons Artist’s impression: Saturn appears through the veil of Titan’s thick atmosphere which is composed of mostly nitrogen the British scientists involved is intriguingly similar to that and methane. The Huygens probe, having deployed its heat shield and parachute, hurtles towards the surface in the mission, John Zarnecki believed to have been present of the Open University, during on the early earth. Perhaps around 160km above Titan’s Cassini during the transmis- confident that the windows these problems, the wait long a press conference in London studying Titan will give us surface. Over the next two sion so that it recedes from will not simply steam up with for the first images should last June. They are all rea- a window on our own plan- hours, as it descends to the Huygens more slowly than hydrocarbon condensation. not be long. Tomasko and col- sonable guesses based on et’s past. While the extreme surface, Huygens will beam originally planned. This will He notes that, because the leagues plan to work through the rather limited data avail- cold of the surface (a chilly back images and data from reduce the Doppler effect probe will be warmer than the the night on their mosaics so able: Titan is certainly cold –180ºC) rules out the pres- analyses of the atmosphere (the same effect that causes atmosphere, it will in effect that they can release their enough for methane and the ence of ‘life as we know it, to its mothership, Cassini. the pitch of an ambulance have heated windscreens. He two best images at a press other simple hydrocarbons Jim’, the processes going on If the probe survives hitting siren to drop as it speeds also predicts that the clouds conference on 15 January. present to be liquid and for at the surface are anyone’s the surface, whatever that away from you), raising the that shroud Titan will have What will those pictures water only to be present as guess right now. turns out to be, another set frequency of the signal being a bottom, giving a clear view show? Tomasko doesn’t want ice. Zarnecki has even collab- The moment of truth. of sensors will rush through received by Cassini into the from as high as 50-70km. to speculate. By his own orated with oceanographers Friday 14 January 2005, an analysis of what it has hit, range it can detect. One of the biggest chal- admission the first glimpses at Southampton to predict 1.45pm, Germany: sending back data as quick Titan’s atmosphere is both lenges for the imaging team of Titan’s surface, gathered what waves would look like A group of scientists from as they can, as no-one knows a blessing and a curse for is simply to make sense of by Cassini during its recent on a liquid methane ocean around the world are waiting how long the probe will sur- the Huygens mission. Having the data they get. “There are fly-by, are frankly mystifying. on Titan (big, apparently). On nervously for news from Titan. vive. After that, the scientists a much thicker atmosphere no lack of challenges,” says While some features are vis- the other hand, some have If all is going well, Huygens back on earth face an agonis- than Mars makes slowing ible – dark regions and light noted that the same data will have just jettisoned its ing wait while Cassini turns the probe easier than slow- “Titan’s atmosphere is streaks – no-one seems to are consistent with the less heat-shield, opened its first and transmits this precious ing a lander like Beagle II. both a blessing and a have much of a clue what romantic sounding possibility parachute and started to take data home. As Beagle II spokesman any of these features are. of a surface coated in a thick, pictures of the view from For many of the scientists Colin Pillinger puts it: “At curse for the Huygens Tomasko seems more com- waiting nervously in Germany, least going into Titan, it is an mission...” fortable predicting what we this will be the culmination atmosphere that is going to will not see. He notes thinks of over ten years of work. stop you.” Tomasko. “The probe is going that the lack of any bright For the past seven years, But dealing with that to be swinging, turning and reflection of sunlight (spec- Huygens has piggybacked atmosphere poses other prob- being blown by the wind.” All ular reflection) in Cassini’s on the spacecraft Cassini’s lems. “We’ve got pretty good of these factors need to be recent images suggests that two billion mile trip through at designing instruments taken into account in order to the ocean theory is wrong. the solar system. Since July, to work in space, but with fit successive pictures togeth- However, some dynamic Cassini has been orbiting Huygens we’re entering a er into panoramic mosaics process seems to be going on Saturn, collecting data on new atmosphere for the first of the landscape below. The at the surface. The lack of any that planet’s famous rings, its time, giving us a whole host of swinging and turning will be obvious craters also suggests moons and its magnet field. new problems to deal with”, measured by a sun sensor that the surface is constantly What nobody knew at the explains Martin Tomasko, sitting underneath two slits being remodeled, but by what launch was that Huygens’s head of the team responsi- on top of the probe: whether process is anyone’s guess. transmitter had a flaw that ble for Huygens’ imaging the sun sensor is in shad- One thing seems sure: if could have killed its mission equipment. Data from the ow or exposed will depend the mission goes to plan, in before it started. A routine recent Cassini fly-by suggest on the angle and spin of the January 2005 we should have test of this transmitter during that the atmosphere doesn’t probe. Once the probe is out pictures of a very alien land- the journey to Saturn revealed contain corrosive chemicals of the cloud, making mosaic scape indeed. a fault that would have put that could damage Huygens’ images should become eas- ● For further informa- the signal reaching Cassini instruments. But there is a ier. “If we can see distinct tion, visit the NASA and from Huygens during its danger that components of features in our images, we ESA mission websites: descent outside the frequen- the atmosphere could simply can use these to put mosa- saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/ cy range Cassini could pick stick to and obscure the win- ics together, rather than rely- home/ind1ex.cfm and up. Fortunately the mission dows from which Huygens’ ing on reconstructions from www.esa.int/SPECIALS/ A mosaic of nine processed images taken of Titan on 26 co-ordinators found a simple imaging systems peer. the movement of the probe,” Cassini-Huygens/index. October reveals the mysterious light and dark patches solution: they plan to re-route However, Tomasko is quietly explains Tomasko. Despite html Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 5

SCIENCE [email protected] Surely wind energy is the perfect solution By Elena Lengthorn and argue that the concern ten to 3¢ on some long supply enough oil reserves remain- Science communication should be with lack of take-up. US contracts. So wind power ing to be exploited to meet Townies’ schemes are taking is now cheap, widely avail- current demand for another Wind energy – these seem place in the countryside as able, clean and in abundance 40 years. Some of the exploi- to be dirty words at the that is where there is space – and the weakness of irregu- tation methods will have to moment! There has been so available. I’m positive that larity is being overcome by change, but these are tech- much press about the inad- few in the city would mind using taller turbines and uti- nologically possible. Demand equacies of wind energy as having a turbine attached to lising the National grid. for energy is going to con- a power supply that a gen- the roof of their office block Gas-electric hybrid cars, tinue to rise steadily as it has eral feeling of negativity and or home if that were pos- such as the Toyota Prius, been at 2% per year for the doubt has descended over sible! could also exploit wind last 30 years – and after all this renewable option. In 1991, the US Department resources. They drive 55 the oil has been exploited, It is fairly easy to jump of Energy published a miles to the gallon and Lester carbon could still be king on the ‘wind = bad’ band National Wind Resource Brown of the Earth Policy with coal and then natural wagon, what with turbines Inventory in which it point- Institute in Washington sug- gas to dominate the global reaching 260 feet into the sky ed out that between them, gests that adding a second energy picture. and being erected in tranquil Kansas, North Dakota and battery and a plug-in capac- For wind to rule, the rural settings. David Thomas Texas have enough harness- Wind farming: the cost has fallen to its lowest ever ity could increase their elec- Government and policy-mak- of the Mail on Sunday sug- able wind power to serve the tricity storage ability. This ers worldwide must show gests that townies (the likes national electricity require- Europe is the wind energy tial was utilised, it could would further reduce their even more commitment to of Imperial dwellers) should ments. This detail was writ- world leader, but the UK still provide all of the region’s gas intake another 20%, giv- the principle of renewable quit diverting our environ- ten over a decade ago, when seems reluctant to embrace residential electricity by the ing an overall cutback of 70%. energy, raise taxes on carbon mental guilt into schemes turbines were a meagre 120 its potential. Last year, the same time according to a 2004 The plug-in hybrids could fuels and subsidise the devel- that the rural communities feet. The modern, taller, tur- European Wind Energy assessment by the Gerrad become part of the storage opment of alternative power are being made to suffer. Mr bines operate at lower speeds Association projected that by Hassan consulting group. system for wind energy. harnessing. Thomas suggests that there more efficiently and are able 2020 half the population of The cost of wind-generated There are still, according My biased townie view is is no evidence that wind to harness more reliable and Western Europe’s electric- electricity has fallen with the to Peter Odell, Professor that is would be best to make farms have any real benefits. larger wind regimes at high- ity would be provide by wind kilowatt hour cost to its low- Emeritus at Erasmus wind king, the sooner the bet- Here I have to disagree, er levels. energy. If the offshore poten- est ever, down by a factor of University Rotterdam, ter all round. Different operating systems, different needs

By Amadeus Stevenson tronic hardware inside your According to market reports, Microsoft’s operating systems are used on Physics department computer. You want to play over 90% of home users’ computers. The latest version is Windows XP Cher’s Greatest Hits? Your which in most cases you’ll be using around college and will have pre- When you buy a compu- operating system will contain installed on any new computer you buy. ter, chances are it’s a PC, software to read the MP3 and or to put it simply, it’s run- send the audio data in a form envelopes without too much Cons source” software, which ning Microsoft Windows. You which your sound card will difficulty. Being by far the Has the largest number of releases its source code to might even think that the def- understand, through to your most widely used operating exploits, viruses and worms the community. This way you inition of a home computer speakers. Your whole end system for home PC users, of any of the operating sys- don’t know how the software is a thing with a “Start” but- user computer experience is it has an enormously large tems listed here – partly due is written, and hence can’t fix ton that crashes during your based around your operating choice of software, including to its popularity, but also due bugs easily or reliably. Also lab report write-up. However, system, and there is fierce Pros games. For the same reason, to poor security. As many a changing system settings can there’s a lot more out there in rivalry from different camps Easy to use. Once installed hardware manufacturers who disgruntled user will know, be tiresome, and sometimes computer never-never-land. as to which operating system and set up, which is fairly make graphics cards, sound crashes can be frequent, and you don’t know what the As we’ve seen in previous is the best. This week I’ll try painless to do in most cir- cards and all the bit and bobs frequently reinstalling can machine is really doing. articles, the operating system to give you an idea about the cumstances, it’s easy for peo- you could want to use on your be required. Tends to eat on a computer is the software main alternatives, and wheth- ple of almost any technical computer have this market in up system resources and is Conclusion (written in a programming er they’re suited to what you background to be able to surf mind when producing items commercial software, so the Standard essay writing/gen- language as source code) want to do. It’s important to the internet, write an email – so all of them will work on inner workings are protect- eral school use? Get yourself which interfaces between keep in mind the idiom: if it or letter and print it out after- Windows (well, they’re sup- ed by Microsoft. This is the a relatively cheap PC with you, the user, and the elec- ain’t broke, why fix it? wards. You can even print posed to). opposite philosophy of “open Windows.

Linux is the name of the kernel, or central part, of a free operating system There are 3 main types developed from 1991 by Linus Torvalds and the internet community of open of BSD, all derived source developers. from Berkeley Software Distribution, a split from Office are available, as well Cons high resolution; not to men- UNIX System V. It’s open as all the tools you’d need for Won’t have all the hard- tion the modem is unsup- source like Linux and graphics, audio, maths and ware support that Windows ported and requires chang- has many similarities. even games. Some distribu- has, although manufactur- ing. Depending on your tions are easy to install and ers are clueing up to the distribution, may require use – trying to emulate the growing use of Linux – you copious amounts of writing Cons Windows ease of use factor. only have to check the sys- commands on a black back- It’s not GUI. Well not until Make great web/email serv- tem requirements list on ground to get the mouse you’ve installed it, the X ers. Will run fine on older many computer items to working etc. Window graphical system, Pros machines which might not be see Linux listed underneath Pros needing to know the syn- Free, open source so gen- able to cope with the require- Windows and Mac. Can be a Conclusion Extremely lightweight, chronization frequencies erally better security. Quite ments of Windows. Users very large pain in the arse Coding boffin? Get Linux on not at all heavy on system of your monitor, got your a large user base so lots of tend to be enthusastic so when you can’t find driv- an old PC and you’ll be tink- resources. Very secure, mouse working, installed a software available for free there’s lots of support (see ers for your printer and the ering for hours. has least amount of serious window manager, installed – alternatives to Microsoft Imperial Linux User group). monitor refuses to show in bugs. Generally good hard- linux emulation, java under ware support. Superb serv- linux emulation, then a bloat- Unlike the other operating systems listed, MacOS X only runs on Apple’s com- ers. NetBSD, one particular ed office package to make puter systems. This means to use it you have to buy their systems, which are type of BSD, has been ported your powerpoint presenta- expensive. Their latest operating system is based on a BSD kernel, and has or transferred to run on an tions at the risk of grinding converted many users by its beauty and the fact that it works smoothly. incredible range of compu- your computer to a halt. It’s ter architectures (over 50) not ideal for game playing, Pros is true for their operating £1000 for a desktop, but you including Playstation 2 and although there are a few 3D It’s really pretty. I mean real- system. It’s uncluttered, easy get what you pay for. Dreamcast. As with Linux, games available, but BSD ly. Very easy to use, less com- and straightforward to use if you want to change some- based machines make great plicated than any of the other so there’s less to confuse a Conclusion thing on your system, such servers. operating systems. Stunning novice user. Graphic design? Mac’s your as your IP address or what graphics, a great range of best option, but a good PC system services you have, Conclusion software and major games Cons with Windows will have the you’ll just have to edit one Coding boffin: this is the are available. With Apple, Expensive. Very expensive. designing software you need. or two files with a command OS for you. Others needn’t design is everything, and this You’re looking upwards of line editor and you’re done! apply. Felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

SCIENCE [email protected] News The weather forecasts that will save lives William Gates explains how the NHS is planning to use weather in brief forecasts to save hospital beds and lives

Australia to meet Although many, myself includ- of the total cost to the NHS ed, look forward to Christmas caused by COPD – about £270 Kyoto target but with almost juvenile glee million. refuses to sign and excitement, for others There is, however, a pros- Christmas is not the season pect that has the potential Australia is on track to meet to be jolly. And no, I am not to alleviate some of the bur- targets set by the Kyoto Treaty talking about the expenditure den that this problem exerts. to cut greenhouse gas emis- (which has already begun to A pilot scheme is to be run sions but will still not sign the hit home for me) nor the pros- next year in the South-West pact because it ignores key pect of being ogled by over- Peninsula Primary Care areas of the fight against glo- zealous relatives. Rather, Trust of the NHS. The aim is bal warming in developing it is the weather that plays to use weather forecasts to nations. Environment Minister the villain in the end of year predict when the frequency Ian Campbell said United Christmas pantomime. of exacerbations of the condi- Nations talks on global warm- Four per cent of over-40s tion of COPD sufferers will be ing should look beyond the of both sexes suffer from at greater incidence. This will 2012 Kyoto deadline for ways COPD – Chronic Obstructive allow the NHS to prioritise to tackle climate change. Pulmonary Disease – a the COPD problem and allow disease that can affect the it to be better prepared to breathing processes of the cope with a greater incidence ‘Super rocket’ aims sufferer, leading to some cat- of admittances of COPD suf- for January astrophic symptoms. Fatality ferers. is a very real possibility, The new method of treating Europe’s ‘super rocket’, the even for sufferers who are COPD, being spearheaded by Ariane 5-ECA, will be back in admitted to hospital for treat- the pilot scheme, is to identify action in January 2005, says ment. Shortness of breath, the level of sufferer that is at its operator Arianespace. The increased sputum purulence, significant risk, using weath- launch will be the vehicle’s a common cold and wheezing er forecasts to help with this first since its maiden flight are the most common symp- identification. Weather con- Christmas may be the season to be jolly, but for many people forecasting cold weather ended in an explosive failure in toms associated with the ail- ditions that increase the could mean the the difference between life and death December 2002. The qualifica- ment. number of exacerbations are tion flight was originally sched- The statistics are stagger- essentially cold tempera- as being those who are at for the NHS to invest in other patients to find beds more uled for November, but was ing. Of those who suffer from tures. These are associated greatest risk of further exac- areas. In the South-West easily. This conceivably has then put back after a review degradations in their condi- with viral infections which erbation. There are five stra- Peninsula PCT alone, in 2002 knock-on effects of reducing highlighted a number of out- tion (these degradations are may precipitate the exacer- ta levels of patients according COPD cost the NHS nearly waiting times in Accident and standing technical issues. called exacerbations), about bations and also cause physi- to risk. £15 million, using up 52608 Emergency, for example. 20% are admitted to hospital. ological reactions – such as The forecast is issued twice bed days, as there were 239 Yet further problems Of those, 15% of admittances vasoconstriction reducing weekly, and it identifies those admissions per 100,000. The remain. For example, the Mission cleared for result in mortality within 90 blood flow to the lungs in pref- who might be at risk. For most optimistic estimation is condition of the patient may Titan plunge days. Those who survive can- erence for the other organs to example, a forecast of “Very that these in-house consulta- exacerbate further after the not be considered safe either reduce heat loss – which can High Activity” would cause tions will reduce admission medical staff or what have The Huygens probe is on tar- – 27% were readmitted with- have derogatory effects on every COPD sufferer to be rates by up to 40%, saving you have left the patient at get and all set for its encoun- in 90 days having suffered condition. Similarly, air pol- contacted to be warned of the £6m and 21043 bed days in home. What if this further ter with Titan, the mysterious another exacerbation. lution can be responsible for risk and the suggestion of pre- exacerbation causes a seri- large moon of Saturn. The The drain this has on the exacerbation, hence causing ventative measures be made. “The reduction in cost ous degradation in the con- 2.7m-wide robot lab has passed NHS is astronomical. I was a greater risk to city COPD Plans are made to ensure will also liberate much dition of the patient? Then its final systems check-out and left speechless by the scale sufferers. that staff can cope with the there would be another scientists have confirmed the of the problem. Each year, COPD affects different expected increase in admis- funding for the NHS to time delay before they could rendezvous can go ahead on 14 COPD contributes to in the people to different degrees. sions, and so that they are invest in other areas” receive medical assistance. January as planned. region of one million bed days Patients are stratified more ruthless in discharg- Also what if patients were (and 23% of all respiratory according to their level of ing those with lower risk so this PCT alone. discharged from hospital too bed days), costing the NHS susceptance to exacerba- patients who are at greater The medical staff will be soon during a time of “Very Brazil finds new about £600m. COPD alone tions. Those in the “Frequent risk can benefit from more sent out to someone’s home High Activity”, and their con- Europe-related is responsible for 12% of all Admission Group”, who have immediate treatment. following an emergency dition worsens? emergency medical admis- been admitted to hospital The crux of the scheme is to call of someone suffering Similarly, what if the Met dinosaur species sions. The aforementioned three or more times in the treat many sufferers at home from an exacerbation. Once Office Predictions are wrong? exacerbations cost up to 45% last 12 months, are regarded to reduce hospital admis- at the patient’s home, it is Weather predictions can be Scientists have found well-pre- sions. These home visits by then decided if the patient notoriously unreliable. What served fossils of a new dinosaur nurses and health workers requires admittance to hospi- if the weather conditions species that lived 225 million are safe and effective, an tal according to the serious- which cause exacerbations years ago in southern Brazil alternative way of manag- ness of their condition. For occur without prediction? The but had its closest relatives in ing patients who suffer from example, if they are severely NHS would then be unpre- what is now Europe. The find- exacerbations who would breathless with impaired con- pared for the greater than ings shed light on the migra- otherwise need to be admit- sciousness and a deteriorat- expected COPD related prob- tion of dinosaurs across the ted to, and possibly have to ing condition, then the patient lems, which may reduce the single continent that existed at stay in, hospital. Antibiotics would be admitted. If the con- effectiveness of the in house the time. Luciano Leal, a pale- can be used to treat puru- dition is not immediately seri- scheme – what if there are ontologist, said the Triassic lent sputum and oral pred- ous, then in house treatment not enough medical teams to period dinosaur was “among nisolone can be prescribed would be carried out and the go around? the oldest finds in the world.” to help alleviate breathing patient be left at home with Ultimately, this pilot scheme difficulties. Essentially these guidelines and prescriptions. has the potential to become a visits will allow the patient to Essentially this appears to huge success in despite of New York school be treated in an environment be a very convenient arrange- these problems. The bene- bus driver fired that they find more comfort- ment. However, there are fits of a successful pilot are able, and will reduce admit- certain aspects that I would there for all to see, and for over stem cell talk tances to hospital of people question. Firstly there is the many to benefit from. At a who may need to stay and idea of money. The cost of time when the NHS is going A school bus driver who chat- subsequently occupy beds. the in-house treatment will to great lengths to increase ted about stem cell research In the current hospital situa- still be high, and at times efficiency, this seems to be with her pupils was fired for tion, in which beds seem to be of low incidence of exacer- another brick in the wall. inappropriate behaviour. The permanently in shortage, this bations this might seem to Yet the problems will need Buffalo News said Julianne can help patients who suffer be an unnecessary fee. Yet to be addressed. Teething Thompson, 42, was fired from from other ailments and who it is, in my opinion, more a problems are to be expected, her job in Grand Island, New categorically need to be in question of the number of bed but by next Christmas they York after parents complained hospital for treatment to find days that are freed as a result should have been ironed out. about her discussing the issue COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonery Disease) is the bed they need. of the in house treatment, If not, then there will be many with pupils the day before the characterised by abnormalities in the lungs that make it The reduction in cost will which would undoubtedly who suffer during this time of presidential election. difficult to exhale normally also liberate much funding be reduced and allow other merriment. Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 7

SCIENCE [email protected] MODS, media and misinterpretations The Imperial physics department is patenting a revolutionary data storage technology. Anushri Patel met the head of the research team, Dr Peter Török , to find out more The new MODS – Multiplexed technically sound, has had its this effect is even greater for everything on one disc and Optical Data Storage – discs date of release pushed back MODS discs, especially as the saving valuable space on the could potentially store up to due to these reasons. Before a wavelength of light involved shelf. one terabyte of data each. new data disc comes into the is significantly smaller He also stressed that the Although not yet mastered, market, a universal standard (around 405nm). This does project is very much col- the team have ‘demonstrated must be agreed by the com- not mean, however, that the laborative, with a number of what can be done’. To achieve panies which will produce it, whole technology can be people significantly involved, the maximum storage capac- which can take a great deal of dismissed and in actual fact including his PhD student, ity, the MODS discs will be time. The BluRay consortium the BluRay disc is likely to Mr Peter Munro. The other double sided and dual lay- was set up for this very pur- be similarly scratch sensi- members of the team are Dr ered, and instead of storing pose, to establish a univer- tive. Hard drives are in fact Martin Salt, Professor Hans one bit per pit like conven- sal standard for the BluRay far more delicate than discs, Peter Herzig and Mr Carsten tional CDs and DVDs, MODS media. The other factor is hence having to keep them Rockstuhl from the University discs can store eight bits due that the companies will want contained. The advantage of of Neuchatel in Switzerland to the asymmetrical nature of to make as much money as MODS discs when it comes and Emmanouil Kriezis the pits. they can out of previous tech- to data protection is that a from Aristotle University of Dr Peter Török will be nologies before they render large number of discs can Thessaloniki in Greece. attending a meeting later on them obsolete and embrace be produced for low cost, so The team have applied for this year to find out if the new ones. This can be seen by MODS: the team at Imperial have created a new method duplicate copies will be easy funding to EPSRC and are discs are viable for mass the fact that only now is VHS for storing 1TB (one terabyte) of data on one optical disc to produce. currently in the process of manufacture, and is confident Dr Török emphasised that writing a European grant that their fabrication will be “there have been a lot the market once the compa- of Colossal Storage, believes whilst you could fit a large application to fund their easy and cheap. Research of misinterpretations nies have milked all they can that the concept will fail amount of data on one disc, research further. The latter and funding permitting, Dr from BluRay. because the design is prone for example a few series of one is a collaboration between Török estimates that the discs and misunderstandings Once it has been estab- to complex errors, and that The Simpsons, it may not the Imperial physics and elec- will be available on the mar- surrounding the new lished whether it is techno- it may just be better to con- necessarily reduce the cost trical engineering (led by Dr ket within five to ten years. discs...” logically and financially pos- tinue to store large amounts of the MODS on the market. Eric Yeatman) departments, Although he emphasised sible to mass-produce MODS of data on a hard drive, but Whilst they are still cheap to the Technical University that “there have been a lot of being withdrawn from sale, discs and share data, the Dr Török believes that this produce, movies and music of Delft, the University of misinterpretations and mis- and DVDs are being given team hope to further research is only partially true. Any will still be subject to addi- Neuchatel and Aristotle understandings” surround- greater emphasis. BluRay whether a writing/rewriting data system relying on fitting tional charges. “You don’t buy University. Dr Török has also ing the new discs, and this can only come out once facility can be made available. a large amount of data in a the disc [in that case], you set up a website to reveal the timescale is “largely affected the companies have made Dr Török mentioned that they smaller space will always be support the large number of facts behind popular claims, by political and financial fac- enough money from the sale do have the capacity to reach prone to error for a number of people behind the produc- as well as further details tors as well as technological of DVDs, or they are forced that status, but again it is reasons, even when compar- tion”, so all episodes of a TV behind the new technology. factors”, a fact missed out by to market their product by heavily dependent on further ing DVD and CD discs. The series on one MODS disc will This can be found at www. a large majority of articles the competition, and conse- funding. same thickness of scratch on cost no less than a box set of imperial.ac.uk/research/ covering this technology. quently MODS discs will most 30-year data storage pio- a DVD takes out many more DVDs, but there will be the photonics/pt_group/peter_ The BluRay disc, although likely be able to come on to neer Michael Thomas, owner bits of data than on a CD, and added convenience of having torok_research.htm. Blind car thief 0, tree 1 [insert interesting research story here] always been shrouded in mys- the NHS’s plans to address tery due to its dense atmos- COPD by using information phere. Although it is highly from weather forecasts. unlikely, there have been sug- Finally, Anushri Patel inter- gestions that some sort of life views the man behind the could have possibly evolved on MODS, Dr. Peter Torök, and its surface. The latest images, demystifies some of the stories however, have already been a that have been going around revelation. in the media about the new David Osumi-Sutherland’s one terabyte disc developed article looks at what the scien- at Imperial College’s physics tists have already discovered department. DARIUS NIKBIN and what they are looking for So finally I’d like to take this SCIENCE EDITOR on Titan. He also looks at the opportunity to thank some potential pitfalls of the mis- of the people who have been This is the news: seven foot sion. Felix Science will contin- working on the section this high fiberglass statue known ue to cover Huygens’ progress term. Thanks particularly to as ‘Fat Boy’ disappears from- in the New Year. the editor, Dave Edwards, Cape Cod, woman offered $78 Also this week, Elena whose professionalism and for father’s ghost on ebay, Lengthorn takes a brave step encouragement have helped police in Cayuga County claim and defends wind energy. push the science section man who stole golf course did As European countries get foward, as well as the paper it “piece by piece”, and final- greener and greener, shouldn’t as a whole. ly, blind Romanian car thief Britain be following the pat- Respect also goes to: strikes again, this time driving tern set by our continental Emma Williams (biochemis- a car 25 miles before smash- counterparts? As the article try), Andya Primanda (NHM ing into a tree. explains, times have changed and biological sciences), Tom Welcome to the final week and wind energy has devel- Simonite (science commu- of Felix Science in 2004. This oped a strong case for itself. nication), Rosie Taylor (sci. week we feature a host of arti- Amadeus Stevenson contin- comm.), William Gates (bio- cle on themes varying from ues his epic journey through engineering), Iain Taylor (sci. Chronic Obstructive Pulomery the perils of day-to-day tech- comm.), Alex Antonov (maths), Disease (COPD) to one of the nology (having already cov- Amadeus Stevenson (phys- I, Science. latest Imperial College inno- ered hacking, cracking, ics), Anushri Patel (physics), vations to hit the news, the adware, and spyware), and James Berry (biochemistry), MODS disc. this week reviews the operat- Kate Wighton (sci comm) and We start off, however, with ing systems on offer nowadays Giovanna Larice (biochemis- the build-up to the Huygens – no, you are not restricted to try), as well as all the other landing which we’re all hoping using Windows (in fact, I hap- contributers who have written will be successful in 2005. I am pen to be working on a Mac for the science section. A science magazine for Imperial College absolutely fascinated by all right now). To all the readers: happy this. Titan is the largest moon Will Gates has a Felix Science Christmas and an enjoyable contact [email protected] in the solar system but it has exclusive with his coverage of new year. Felix 8 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Comment [email protected] The cost of living

A common student complaint is that conference income. Ultimately, the over the years. But every time a Students who are allocated poorer the cost of living in halls is too high. residents have to make a large con- STATE OF hall is refurbished, the rents have to quality rooms should be compen- Rents are too expensive and it is tribution. go up to pay for it. This means that sated with a rebate. Students who often more economical to live in That was the backdrop to last THE UNION when Southside is knocked down at can’t afford to pay should similarly the private sector – often even after year when Katherine McGinn (then the end of June 2004, there will be a receive a bursary to enable them things like gas/electricity bills, laun- Deputy President Education & serious reduction in medium-priced to live in hall. This should be sep- dry and contents insurance (all free Welfare) and I faced the Rector’s accommodation and a big overall arate from government loans etc, or subsidised in halls) have been Committee on Student Residences increase in average rent prices. because it would appear that the taken into account. Is this really for the annual rent review. The So a new approach is needed. most hard-up students fall into two true? Estates people responsible for look- The College needs to recognise categories: those for whom the state It’s certainly true that some ing after the buildings maintained that whilst Beit is always over-sub- means testing doesn’t work (eg they rooms in halls are priced at quite that they needed an increase of scribed (and so the rents can seem- are just above the threshold for full high levels. Paying around £140 a upwards of 10% in order to keep ingly keep going-up) there are many support or their parents’ income week (after amenities and other things in order. We successfully students who can’t pay the full cost. has been mis-assessed) or they are charges) for a room in Beit can argued the case that students were More importantly, ‘poorer’ students from overseas and not in receipt of seem excessive when private sector increasingly being priced out and should not be given lower quality a scholarship. That way, everyone flats are available for less than that. that they needed to be contained. accommodation as it is demean- would be able to live in hall and Nevertheless, the College has a real In the end we secured an average MUSTAFA ARIF ing and also results in ghettoisa- wouldn’t be forced into a particu- problem: there is no government real rise of only 4.5%, although the UNION PRESIDENT tion (with some halls being seen as larly shabby one based on the ability money to fund halls of residence cheapest rooms stayed at the same ‘rich’ and others as being for ‘poor’ to pay. Meanwhile, those who can which, by law, have to be self-financ- price whilst the most expensive had students). pay their share would do, to keep the ing. In actual fact, the College gets large increases. the Union has in holding down rent I think that all students who come system operational. away, where it can, with cross-sub- Yet the maintenance problems are prices in the short term is only going to the College should be given a That’s a personal view, based on a sidies but basically the halls have real. Only yesterday, my own hall to cause problems for students in fixed price for living in hall, which pragmatic appraisal of the political to break even. The cost of building of residence had problems with the the long-term. Just look at the crum- should be the full cost – let’s say and economic situation. I suspect and maintaining halls of residence drinking water supply – unusual for bling state of Southside and Fisher £150 per week. From that, there it will be be controversial – I look has to be met somehow. Only so Garden Hall, but quite common for Hall, both suffering from shoddy should then be subsidies (paid for forward to reading your views in the much money can be raised from those in Southside. Any ‘success’ maintenance and underinvestment within the residences system). letters pages. Feel like a smoke? When the Government acted to problem before or if you have a his- most cases don’t mix. If you smoke Self control tips reclassify cannabis, there was a lot tory of mental health problems in ADVICE SERVICE cannabis on a regular basis, you of confusion over its legality. The your family, cannabis can trigger may well be missing lectures, unmo- ● Avoid overdoing it, by having days truth is that cannabis is still illegal, them. There is also concern that tivated by university life, and/or just off between using cannabis. This and if you are using it over a long people who use cannabis a lot when sitting indoors all day. will also help you to lose any toler- period of time it can affect every they are young may be vulnerable to It is also important to remember ance you might have built up from aspect of your life. mental health problems later in life. that if you are found to be smok- regular use This article aims to help you and ing cannabis in University halls of ● Don’t buy extra, thinking you’ll tell you some facts about cannabis Debt residence, then you will probably be save some for tomorrow. You prob- that you might not know: evicted and may be asked to leave ably won’t One of the most common problems the College totally. ● Break up your pattern of use Dependency with cannabis is spending too much – this will make it easier to control money on it. Try to see how much The law and reduce the risks During the last few years it has money you are spending each week ● If you are trying to cut down and become clear that cannabis use can on cannabis and think about all the Cannabis is a class C drug. It is ille- stop, avoid any places, people or result in dependency and lead to other things you could buy with the NIGEL COOKE gal. The maximum sentence for pos- events that remind you of cannabis. problems. Ask yourself this: Are you money. STUDENT ADVISER session is two years in prison and an Plan to do something else at the spending too much time, energy and unlimited fine. The maximum penal- time of day you usually have a joint money on weed? Does a lot of your Relationships you earache about your lack of moti- ty for supplying cannabis is 14 years ● Try to identify all the things you day revolve around dope? Do those vation? Are you just smoking canna- in prison and an unlimited fine. associate with using cannabis and close to you complain that you are Cannabis can make people boring, bis because your partner does? People aged 18 or over are no make an effort to avoid them until stoned all the time? If your answer lifeless and isolated. Smoking dope If these things are happening to longer automatically arrested for you feel OK about not smoking to these questions is yes then you all the time can lead to problems you, it may be time to review your possessing cannabis, however you may be dependent on cannabis. at work, in your personal life and at cannabis use. will be arrested if you are caught If you have any comments on this college. regularly, you smoke in public article or are worried about your Mental health Do you have a vibrant social life or College life places, or you use cannabis near cannabis use, please don’t hesitate are you staying in most nights and premises where children and young to contact the Union Advice Service If you have had a mental health watching TV? Is your partner giving Studying and smoking cannabis in people go. on 020 7594 8067 or [email protected]. The world today By Ian Lawrence in that I just carried on walking, the sions were that people were exag- this man had access to a telephone, me to be in a state of shock and police seemed to be dealing with it gerating about the violence and the but he didn’t phone the Samaritans, write this rambling article, despite Today I had to step around the body and I hadn’t actually seen it happen, crime, that the newspapers used a did he? Maybe his friends were that fact I haven’t written an essay of a man on my way to campus, so I just went to uni, sat through a lot of hyperbole and only reported suspicious and were rushing to his in years. trying to avoid getting blood on my lecture and came home. the bad events. These two deaths house to stop him, or maybe he had Even the most cold-hearted of you shoes. I’ve never seen a dead body On the way home, the police had have blown that impression out no friends. couldn’t help to be shocked by this if before, but in the last week two peo- cordoned off the area in a very effi- of the water. I now leave my halls The only thing we can do is to you saw it. My friend and I tried to ple have died violently in the streets cient manner. This is disturbing in a wondering what will happen today, watch out for each other, keep an laugh it off, but we both knew this near me. What is happening? strange way; the police knew exactly wondering who will die. Will it be eye on the lonely people, or even the was just to distract our thoughts, to The apparent cause was that the what to do, they had a procedure someone I know? Will it be me? ones who are always surrounded, avoid thinking the big thoughts that man had jumped off the roof, but the for it. I mean, it’s comfortable that I don’t know what drove this man to are they really happy? Suicide is I thought on the way home, alone. To police had to investigate it as a mur- the police are professional, but why suicide, or whether he was pushed, an intensely selfish act. Think of question our own mortality. I leave der. They asked me if I’d seen any- should they have to deal with this but surely there must be something the anguish this man has caused you with my final thought – don’t one upstairs. Not being a city boy, sort thing so often? that can be done to prevent this sort to the people who saw him fall, to think you’re unshockable, because it didn’t occur to me to look. It says I only came to London a couple of thing happening. Support groups his friends and family, who will prob- when something like this happens, something about the times we live of months ago, and my first impres- obviously aren’t enough. I’m sure ably blame themselves. He caused it really, really gets to you. Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 9

COMMENT [email protected] Unfair trade? Adam Langley responds to last week’s Comment article on Fairtrade products Jamie Brothwell seems very keen base prices) then I’m afraid that Instead of this Jamie, perhaps that we should all buy fair trade the FLO “seldom” certifies groups we should be lobbying for the elim- products, to the point of creating a so small [Simen Sandberg, quoted ination of EU subsidies such as bureaucracy to check that we do. in The Christian Science Monitor, the Common Agricultural Policy I’m perfectly happy for him to April 13th]. (though not through the Union of pay any price that the suppliers The problem with the primary course, because everyone agrees and growers agree to, including one Fairtrade produce, coffee, is that that the Union should limit itself to which is above the market value. too much of it is being produced those issues which affect students But before there is a “campaign for worldwide. In Brazil and Columbia, as students, don’t they?) increased consumption of Fairtrade producers were encouraged to The idiotic effects of the CAP goods” (funded by our infinitely- switch from cocaine to coffee. In an have entered into common usage: bounteous Union I suppose), people effort to rebuild Vietnam, aid went “butter mountains”, “wine lakes” should be aware of the problems of into setting up coffee plantations so etc. In 2001, 7m tonnes of sugar Fairtrade. that the farmers could be self-suf- was exported [Oxfam, 2002] from When buying Fairtrade coffee ficient. This led to an over-supply of the EU, and the EU taxpayer paid you are charitably giving to cer- coffee. a total of $2.1bn to subsidise this tain selected groups of produc- The average coffee production per dumping on the world markets. ers. Selected, that is, by the Fair year increased 28% from 1990 to The development of internal trade Labeling Organisation, which charg- 2002 [ICO figures], but the values Coffee: “too much of it is being produced worldwide” (especially within Africa) and the es $2431 plus $607/year plus $1 per jump wildly – not the sign of a sta- cessation of dumping under-priced 110 pounds of coffee sold to be certi- ble market. All this over-supply, of farmers who Fairtrade is supposed ever at the mercy of the charity of goods on the world market is the fied as a Fair Trade producer. And course, caused the price to drop to help. those who buy Fairtrade and of the way to help these farmers. Hitching if you’re a small producer (that is, and the less efficient producers to But Fairtrade gives the efficient FLO, which soon gains the power them to our charity, which is sup- less than 44,000 pounds of coffee per suffer. The inefficient producers in producers less incentive to cut to select who will and who won’t ported only by the public’s wonder- year – $55,440 per year, by FairTrade this case were the small, primitive costs and keeps those farmers for- survive. ing attention, is not. Letters to the Editor Imperial should be primarily now think is overrated) and because NUS. I told him this was illegal; he optional free piece of fruit. The French Law is neither toler- for the British I was not intelligent enough to get didn’t seem to care. So my point is this – if an inde- ant nor intolerant. We missed the into a good science college in India, HMV’s website tells a differ- pendent sandwich shop 2 minutes point. In fact, France is a laic coun- Dear Editor, and off-course because mummy and ent story. http://www2.hmv.co.uk/ from the Huxley building can pro- try, in which any religion have nei- daddy are rich. I feel it is similar for hmvweb/navigate.do?ctx=1099;- duce the same sandwich and others ther right nor links with the state I have for the last two years had a lot of the International students 1;-1;-1&pPageID=1103 says “If you like it for around £1.50 how can our autorithy. France supported last the impression that our Rector has that come here. are a NUS cardholder, HMV.co.uk supposedly subsidised union charge year its laicity. been running Imperial more like a If I had to do it all over again, are giving away 10% off purchases an extra £1? The cost of living in I agree with Victoria that the corporation with profit as its incen- I would not come to a university until 30th September 2005. If you London is high enough as it is, with- French Republican Pact let some tive than an academic institution. run by a hard core capitalist. It is do not have a NUS cards you will out our own student services trying French unsatisfied. I agree that reli- Last week’s front page article on wrong to have the ex-head of a huge need a HMV Student card to receive to rob us blind. gions autorithy criticised the rein- the massive proposed increase in corporation that has the reputation your discount. You can get a HMV forcement of this Law. But Victoria’s International students confirms this of a merciless profit maker as the Student Card from any HMV store Yours faithfully, statement was not supported by her along with other measures such as head Imperial. If he wishes to run in the UK or Ireland on presentation instance. his ridiculous re-branding exercise Imperial like a business, the govern- of valid student photo ID.” A hungry Northerner I ask her tolerance for the French and his love for new buildings and ment should withdraw its charity It would appear that HMV’s staff laicity. In trying to support her belief, constant refurbishment. status. So lets start by cutting the are ill-informed of company policy, she offends mine with this pick on I came to Imperial as an interna- useless costs and we shall take it and so I will also be writing to HMV Tolerance? our decision. tional student thinking that I was from there. Note, the above views to inform them of this. If I had not a part of a small minority of inter- are primarily for undergraduate been so persistent, I may have been Dear Editor, Best regards, national students who would add studies, I imagine the research com- denied the discount. something to the cultural and social munity works differently. When are the retailers going to I would like to complain about this Jeremy CH Rossiny life of the students. I now feel that I realise that NUS membership is no article on your last issue (Thursday Conducting Ion Ceramic Membrane am actually a part of an ever grow- Veer Singh longer valid as a verification of stu- 2nd December 2004). ing quantity of people that are deny- Physics dent status? I was very pleased to see an arti- ing British students a place at a cle dealing with the unease to be Christmas trees good academic institution. Imperial Oliver Sinden christian in th 21st century and is a British university supported by Student discount difficulties Maths think that this article had the point. Dear Editor, taxpayer’s money and hence should Unfortunately, the author Victoria primarily source Britain with much Dear Dave, Pollock tried to support her ideas I have been noticing the growing needed engineers, doctors and Union sandwich prices with charism, but a bad instance with numbers of Christmas trees every- scientists etc. If all the places in I have just had a rather difficult the French law banned any ostenta- where. I even saw one shop on the English universities are taken up experience obtaining my student dis- Dear Felix, tious faith signs in the French state high street which had about four by foreign students, who then move count at HMV. Upon presentation of school. By this way, she broadcast of them, big ones as well. It really back to their country, where will my Imperial swipe card, the cashier Last Friday I was persuaded to go to nonsense about French statement disturbed me to think that so many Britain’s professionals come from? told me that it was for memebers of our so called Student Union for din- and obviously did not realize that trees are being cut just to give us a Where should British students go to the NUS only. I protested, informing ner (or lunch as you Southern people she contradicts herself. bit of aesthetic pleasure. In the case university? him that this was illegal, and asked call it). After deciding against some This instance have been made to of shops, the trees are just another Besides how can the Rector justify to speak to a manager. The manager dodgy looking chilli we went to the support her statement that the soci- tool to sell more and make more not only supporting top-up fees but told me the same, and asked me if I sandwich bar in dBs. Advertised for ety were tolerant until people decide money by putting everyone in the also turning Imperial into a cash had any other student ID cards. £1.50 was a chicken tikka baguette, to pursue tolerance as a definite “festive spirit”. What is Christmas and carry business when at the Opening my wallet, I spotted the which seemed reasonable enough. objective. And Victoria had not the really about anymore? same time he plans to spend up to HMV student discount card I had But on closer inspection we real- point on this part of her article. After thinking about it further, it £400 million in the coming few years picked up at Freshers Fair and ised that this was the price for the The 1905 French Law have been seems even more absurd that it is on things which are not necessar- forgotten about, and triumphantly filling alone – it would cost another written to allow children, whose reli- supposed to celebrate the birth of ily essential. For example, spending presented it. I was informed that I £1 on top of the £1.50 for the sand- gion was not christian, to have the Christ. We are killing something in £17 million on a sports centre is should only have been given this if wich, as apparently at our subsi- opportunity to access a state school. celebration of the birth of something unnecessary when we have on of the I had a NUS card. I told them that dised union it costs £1 for a plain This law supported egality among else. Perhaps having a small tree or most famous parks in the world on HMV staff were giving them out baguette. Horrified at this, we went children when they entered any plant in a pot or a large one if can our doorstep. here, and he relented, and gave me to ‘Sandwich World’ on Gloucester state schools. Last years this law afford it will be more appropriate. His proposals also mean that it the discount “just this once”, telling Road where the very same chicken has been discussed again to rein- Lets celebrate life. doesn’t matter if two people have me it was company policy to only tikka baguette was available freshly force the law in order to give a free the same intelligence, the ‘rich kid’ give discounts to member of the made for a total of £1.50, plus an access to the “laic” state schools. Happy Christmas, gets the prize. I have not come to Imperial because India does not Veer Singh have good science institutions, it Send your letters to [email protected]. This is the page where you can make your voice heard on just about any topic. Physics has some that outrank Imperial. I Letters may be edited for length but not for spelling or grammar, and are printed at the Editor’s discretion came because of its name (which I Felix 10 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

COMMENT [email protected] Why cycling is the answer Ben Jefferys explains why travelling by good old-fashi oned push-bike is beneficial to both you and the environment Transport is a hot topic in London. Most people live too far from work to walk. Public transport can be expensive for students and unpleas- ant for everybody. Driving is out of the question for the majority of Londoners due to clogged streets, lack of parking and the high cost. The morning news consists of a catalogue of catastrophe on road and rail. It is little wonder that the mayoral elections are dominated by transport issues. But there is a way out of this locomotive rat race: cycling. Many cyclists talk as if their chosen mode of transport is the solution to the world’s problems – and it is easy to see why. Cycling is cheap. You can get a brand new bike and associated gear for under £200 from Halfords or Decathlon, and even less if you buy second hand. Alternatively you could get something a bit more luxurious for around £400 from a local bike shop – still far cheaper than your average Travelcard, but it will last a good few years. And you won’t be paying to stand stationary in a tun- nel for half an hour with your face in someone else’s armpit. Cycling is fast. Transport for London figures suggest that cycling is the fastest mode of transport in central London. You can travel four miles in just 20 minutes, compared to half an hour by tube or an hour by bus. And cycling is door-to-door – chances are most of your com- mute is spent walking to and from “Many cyclists talk as if their chosen mode of transport is the solution to the world’s problems – and it is easy to see why” stations. Cycling gets you fit. The obesity parks and along waterways – your tiny fraction of your journeys will be traffic. Kensington and Chelsea before your swipe card will work. epidemic is in full swing, and you choice. wet. You can choose to take the day local authority offer free cycle safety Elsewhere in London, the Mayor can be sure that sitting on a bus eat- And finally, of course, cycling is off and get back on the tube (you’ll courses – email road.safety@rbkc. has handed cyclists a small army of ing crisps is doing nothing for your environmentally and socially respon- remember why you started cycling) gov.uk. You could prepare yourself excellent cycle racks, so you can do physique. Regular cycling halves sible. It is unlikely you’ll end up kill- or just get some waterproofs and for the open road with Cyclecraft by your shopping or go to the cinema your chances of suffering from heart ing anyone with your bike, unlike carry on regardless. John Franklin (ISBN: 0117020516), in confidence. The parking in High disease. The Government recom- cars which result in the deaths of Some people are worried they’ll a book which is widely regarded as Street Kensington actually won a mends that adults get 30 minutes of 3500 people in the UK each year. get to College reeking of sweat and the authority on cycle safety. My design award last year. moderate exercise five times each Every other mode of transport bar fumes. You might be lucky and have personal top tips are: don’t ride in A cycling group is being set up week. Cycling to College will give walking uses energy derived from odourless sweat – just wear clean the gutter, ignore cycle lanes, be at Imperial, which will campaign you all that and more, without wast- fossil fuels. Those who aren’t con- clothes every day, use a deodorant, aware of what is going on around for better facilities and generally ing precious time and money in the vinced by global warming (both of and your popularity will be main- you, use lights, and observe the support cyclists. The first stage is local gym. you) will nonetheless have experi- tained. Alternatively take a shower Highway Code. a mailing list, http://mailman.ic.ac. Cycling is fun. While initially the enced the unpleasant side-effects at College instead of at home. A The last hurdle is parking and uk/mailman/listinfo/bike-users. Old, prospect of getting on a bike is of walking along London’s choked map of College showers is being security. Cycle parking at Imperial new and future cyclists are encour- daunting, it rapidly becomes eas- streets. Biofuels are here today: two prepared – every department has has taken a nosedive over summer. aged to subscribe, ask advice and ier and more rewarding. There’s slices of toast and a coffee goes in, one or two tucked away somewhere. The handy parking outside your offer wisdom. nothing more satisfying than arriv- and out comes enough energy to get See these pages for news in the department has gone, replaced by Your student years are the best ing at your destination having you to College (and a little bit of, er, coming weeks, or ask your head of motorcycle and car parking. You time to start cycling, when body got there under your own steam. exhaust). Imagine London’s streets department. must now use a swipe-carded cage and bank balance are likely to be You’ve cut through the traffic, flown without the noise and smell and Danger from cars and buses is up some stairs under the Big Blue less than healthy. When you disap- past the bus queues and bypassed danger of motor vehicles. You can also quite off-putting for novices. A Faculty building. pear to your career in merchant the crowded stations, using your make it happen. prerequisite is that you are a com- The racks are tough to use, but banking, you might end up chugging natural strength, skill and dexterity What’s the down side? There’s petent cyclist when on traffic-free with some creativity and practice around in a BMW or sweating it to get from A to B. You can make always a down side. People are put routes. Take it easy for the first few they are almost as secure as street out on the tube. But chances are it an exhilarating everyday extreme off by bad weather: in fact, London is weeks and you’ll build up experi- parking, and they are undercover. you’ll find it hard to kick the cycling sport or a scenic ride through the driest part of the UK and only a ence of how to deal with London’s You must register with Security habit. London transport etiquette By Vikas Kaura day in and day out, I see the same terparts do. Even though trains are state to have a comfortable journey but can you blame me after observ- thing – the elderly get pushed to the less frequent, I know the majority of at your expense? Well it seems so! ing the normal London tube users’ I should not be writing this in a state back at the platform and crushed in Geordies would give up their seat or Although, rather than painting a behaviour? of anger, however, I will. the middle on the trains rather than even just wait at the platform for the completely negative picture, I did To conclude, I would urge eve- Why is it that Londoners (well, having seats vacated for them. next train if we were to see 70-year- also see a rarity: on the same train, a ryone to try to smile on the tube those on the tubes) are so socially What is it about London that olds struggling to get on. young lady swiftly vacated her seat, – it makes your journey a lot better, inept? Is it so hard for a 20-year-old makes people think less than cer- Is it too much to ask of people to allowing an old lady to sit down. The trust me. Break this vicious circle of to give up his seat to an older gen- tain ‘lower’ species of animals? stand for 15 minutes of their life or old lady was so happy and thankful. defensive body language and mis- tleman with a walking stick? Well Back in Newcastle I am sure, put their plans on hold for a minute I presumed that the girl was either ery. Just think, how you would feel I guess so, as this is what I have although we sound very uncivilised, or two by catching the next tube? a ‘northerner’ or from abroad. It when you are in your seventies and just observed and it is not a one-off we conform to a much better moral Is it such a hinderance on your life is a sad situation when people are fragile, yet a youth of 20 cannot show case. I use the tube every day and, standards than our London coun- to allow an older person in a fragile rendered to think along these lines, you some moral decency. Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 11

Around Campus [email protected] Beerienteering and the Silwood beer monkey PHOTO: MIKE GARRATT By Andy Brown It all started with the ‘beeri- money left over? The answer Silwood Park Correspondent enteering’, one of the freshers is the beer monkey. It is highly events we run here. Freshers unlikely that you calculated It may have come to your are given rather hastily drawn exactly how to spend your attention that most of the maps of hidden beer in the money whilst at the bar in recent articles which have 50 hectares of land we have that club or that your kebab been submitted to Felix from here. They’re then sent on cost exactly what you had Silwood have revolved around their way to find over 100 cans left after you left the club. the consumption of alcohol. of beer before merrily return- The fact is that the beer mon- This is indeed the case for ing to the bar many hours key stole your loose change. most universities. However, later wet, covered in mud, and He can follow you home and one thing that must surely attached to various fragments can choose to strike at the be unique to us is rabbits. of vegetation. This was swiftly moment your guard is let Millions of them, everywhere. followed by the Silwood Beer down, from your neighbour’s Wye has its sheep, London Festival. Both these events bush or from behind the lamp has red buses and Silwood were based around the con- post next to you. He will never has more rabbits than a fox sumption of alcohol, and dur- harm you, he will just leave could dream of. Beaten down ing both, various members of you perplexed as to how you every year by outbreaks of the Silwood community were managed to spend all of your myxomatosis, they are always visited by the Silwood beer money despite a vague rec- keen to show their resilience monkey. ollection of visiting a cash and bounce back by doing I believed the legend behind machine at some point during what rabbits do best. As well the beer monkey was well the night. as our fluffy friends, it has known, but I have been prov- Along with the beer mon- Silwood students after some ‘beerienteering’. Apparently recently come to my atten- en wrong by the blank looks key is the more commonly tion that the woods of Silwood spread across the faces of known and experienced ‘beer et’, that warm invisible coat home. This is why you cant ting “er, I cant remember”, “I Park are inhabited by another those in the Silwood bar when goggles’, a mind-altered state that guards you from the cold remember how you got home got the beer scooter home” is well known mammal: the beer I put forward this theory. experienced by both male and on your walk home after a the night before and is why a more than adequate expla- monkey. I would like to share Ever wondered why, when females, leaving you wonder- night out drinking, and the when asked the following nation, ensuring that you got with you my knowledge of this you get home from a big night ing: “Oh no, did I?” ‘beer scooter’ which safely morning “where did you go to home safely and had a good creature. out, you have literally no There is also the ‘beer jack- transports you from club to last night?” rather than admit- night out. Felix 12 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Clubs & Societies [email protected] Bo’ goes to Dartmoor

TEAM BO’ to the garage by the time of garden of a friendly family in our departure, but we set off the village of Curry Rivel. To anyway. This worked out for be more precise, the family By James Devine the best, as we were able to were in fact the current resi- divert Dave as he raced to dents of a house which had A long time ago in catch up with us. We sent him been inhabited by the original Hammersmith, there lived a to collect a large quantity of owner of the 1904 car. Team man called Colonel Browne, alcohol, which came in handy Bo’ pitched a couple of tents who had a friend called Mr for the weekend. (one for Bo’ and one for us), James. Together they used to Newly qualified towing- before departing on the bus build cars under the name of Jedi Dan Lehmann drove the for the village of Longport. James & Browne. minibus plus trailer through We spent the evening enjoy- For the most part, they were the traffic and torrential rain, ing hospitality of local public pretty ordinary. Only two whilst most of the team slept houses, before posing for a James & Browne cars which like babies in the back. After a photo outside of the amus- rolled off the Hammersmith quick stop for essential re-fuel- ingly named Longport Tackle production line are still in ling (BK Whopper Burgers all Shop and returning to our existence, one of which is round), we arrived at a ran- adopted front garden for Boanerges (also known as dom Little Chef and decanted some after-hours port drink- Bo’), built in 1902. Bo’ from the trailer. It took ing. Bo’ (as many of you may about an hour to secure the Soon the sun was ris- know) is currently owned by exhaust pipes, which had fall- ing over the rolling hills of Imperial College and is the en off the day before during a Devon. Bo’ was wheeled out official motorised mascot of particularly energetic tuning of the tent and given an all- the President of the City & run down Kensington Church over polish. Special mention Guilds College Union. The Street. should go to the expert pol- other car lives in Devon, ishing skills demonstrated by currently owned by a Mr “Team Bo’ began Simon. Dan Lehmann even Proctor, who inherited it got out a special white mark- from his father and grand- preparing the er pen to write ‘Dunlop’ down father, a former employee of the side of Bo’s tyres, much to Driving down a country lane: Bo’ and the team the James & Browne motor City & Guilds the amusement of everyone company. else. At about this point, Mr sary process of taking the returned to our campsite to managed the occasional lap As some of the more senior mascot for Proctor arrived in his James whole thing apart. make themselves presentable of the car park, in between members of the college may & Browne, which for some In the afternoon, we drove for the evening. Mr Proctor explaining the car’s history remember, there were big cel- another long reason is much quieter than the two James & Browne cars had kindly arranged for us to to visiting tourists and inter- ebrations to mark Bo’s cente- Bo’, but we still heard him down into the centre of Curry dine on the ‘Dartmoor Belle’, ested passers-by. nary at the National Motor journey...” coming. Rivel for their annual village a special volunteer staffed At the end of the morning Heritage Museum, in Gaydon. A fair number of Team Bo’ fête. Initially we were given rail service which operates session, we snuck Bo’ off into As these were attended by We cruised for a couple of were still nursing sore heads a parking space on the vic- on the Okehampton Line. a corner of the car park to Mr Proctor and his James & laps of RNAS Yeovilton and from the night before, but ar’s immaculate newly con- This was no ordinary train give Dan Reader, next year’s Browne, it seemed only fitting posed for photos of Bo’ next Bo’ was looking fantastically creted driveway. After about – we had a whole first class Bo’ Driver, a first opportunity that, on the occasion of his to a Harrier jump jet. Just as shiny, all just in time for a 40 minutes, Bo’ had left his carriage to ourselves and at the controls. He soon man- car’s centenary, a delegation we were getting close to flying photographer from the local oily mark on the floor, so we enjoyed a sumptuous three aged to find first gear, and from Imperial should go and (on four wheels) down proper newspaper to turn up. Guilds decided to move up towards course dinner with lashings eventually second as well, pay him a visit in Devon. And country lanes, the gear selec- regalia at the ready, we posed the village green before our of wine. Good, clean (genu- before racing around the car so the adventure began... tion mechanism imploded for several photos with both oil leaks got us into trouble inely first class) fun. Even park at the breakneck speed A week after the ordeal during a three point turn. cars parked side by side, with the clergy. Having the the usually serious Matt was of 10 miles per hour. After of the summer term, the Driver James (in his dubious before driving up and down only two surviving James & amused. After dinner, we the driving lesson had fin- devoted members of Team wisdom) decided that it could the nearest country lane, Browne cars together for the retired to the train’s custom- ished, we parked Bo’ outside Bo’ returned to College and be more thoroughly fixed if attempting to run the photog- afternoon certainly provided built function carriage, where the station and disappeared began preparing the City & the linkage was totally dis- rapher over as he took pic- an exciting edge to the village the onboard jazz quartet were inside for lunch. Guilds mascot for another mantled by the roadside. As tures of us heading straight fair, the other highlights of playing requests and the bar Upon returning to inspect long journey. We decided to soon as it had been stripped towards him. He insisted on which included a tombola and was serving large measures the car, we found that honor- load Bo’ onto a trailer for the from the car and split into a standing in the middle of the traditional maypole dancing. of Glen Morangie whiskey. ary Team Bo’ member and trip down to Dartmoor, as he large number of delicate look- road, only to leap head first Once the frivolity of the fair Bo’ had been safely garaged ex-C&G president Shrenik wasn’t designed to face the ing pieces, it started to rain. into the Hawthorne hedge- had died down, our accompa- for the night with Mr Proctor, Patel was curled up in the Friday morning rush hour. 40 very wet minutes later, row each time we got close. nying Team Bo’ alumni took so after the evening’s enter- back seat, fast asleep. As After squeezing every tool in James had managed to put Bo’ soon tired of posing Bo’ out for a quick spin down tainment, Team Bo’ retired the evening approached, we the entire garage into a union the linkage back together. for photos. The gear selec- the village lanes, with Paul to the nearby Okehampton loaded Bo’ back onto the trail- minibus and hitching up the When Bo’ was back in run- tion mechanism promptly at the helm, ably assisted by youth hostel. Sunday was er and started on the long trailer, complete with car, we ning order, the rain immedi- imploded once again. This Pete in the role of co-driver spent as part of a static display journey back to College. All set off for Devon. ately stopped and we drove on time James just realigned and Jez hanging on in the of veteran and classic vehi- in all, a very successful and Unfortunately, team mem- towards the ‘campsite’. This the linkage, rather than going back seat. The current stu- cles at the recently restored enjoyable adventure with our ber Dave had not made it just happened to be the front through the totally unneces- dents amongst the team Okehampton Station. We motorised mascot! News from the choir

CHOIR The term began with Commemoration Day. The productive rehearsals, there Christmas pieces. site, www.union.ic.ac.uk/arts/ excellent recruitment at the choir sang at both ceremonies, was also time to explore the Everyone is welcome to choir. Freshers’ Fair, and with 180 performing the Hallelujah grounds and socialise. come and join the choir, and The Choir concert is on By Lucy Abbott members the choir is now the Chorus from The Mount of As we are now in advent, if you would like to come Friday 10 December at 8pm largest it has ever been. Our Olives by Beethoven, which it is the time of year when and join us next term to sing in the Great Hall. Tickets The Imperial College Choir Freshers’ welcome event, was well received by the audi- choirs start to sing carols, Brahms’s Requiem, then are £4 for students and £8 has had a busy term in Champagne & Nibbles, was ence. and the chamber choir will be please email the chair at for non-students on the door, preparation for our forth- particularly enjoyable, giving To supplement our weekly performing at the Imperial [email protected] for further but are cheaper in advance, coming concert on Friday 10 everyone the opportunity to rehearsals on Thursday eve- College carol service at Holy information. If you would like and can be purchased from December. We are perform- meet new people and sample nings in the Great Hall, we Trinity church on Wednesday to hear about future choir Ainslee Rutledge in the Blyth ing an exciting programme, some fine cava! travelled to Silwood Park for 8 December. As well as the events, please email lucy. music centre on the 5th floor including the well known One of the annual autumn a day of intensive rehearsal in traditional carols for every- [email protected] to be of Sherfield, or on the 1st floor Mozart Requiem and Bach’s term highlights is singing beautiful and calm surround- one to join in, the choir will added to the events mailing of Sherfield every lunchtime Magnificat. at the Royal Albert Hall for ings. As well as plenty of also be singing some special list, or why not visit our web- this week. Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 13

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Imperial Big Band take gold

BIG BAND Music in Manchester. This is Berkeley Square. The band’s a huge achievement for any performance was described university or college band, by the adjudicators as refined By Ruth Roberts and an unbelievable suc- and idiomatic. and Tom Woodcock cess for one without a music The stylish conclusion department. was Gordon Goodwin’s In the beginning God cre- The band performed a Count Bubba. Solos from ated the double bass. And Tom Woodcock and Andy God heard the double bass, “What are those Thorpe (trombone), and Chaz and that it was good. And Robertshaw (alto sax) were God said, “Let there be piano idiots in the commended. Jan Marchant and drums”. And God called led the trumpet section “with his creation ‘rhythm’. And he back row playing a great sound”. thought smugly to himself, It was perhaps the most “This is pimp”. there?” focused (and sober) perform- “I’ll add trumpets, and trom- BERT AMBROSE ance the Imperial Big Band bones. And in front of these have ever given. Obviously angels of music, I will place varied repertoire of three however, when a break came cherubim and seraphim with arrangements. The first was up in the schedule, they head- saxophones. I shall send the Nat Adderley’s Work Song. ed straight to the pub. prophet Jon to strum the gui- Soloists Pete Hopcroft (alto Both Imperial College Big tar and to shout approval at sax) and Martin Cloke (piano), Band and the University of this band of seraphs. A singer along with Ant Dearden Surrey (UNIS) attained gold will spread my word, and that (bass), were individually con- standard in the open big band word shall be ‘swing’…” gratulated for their perform- category, the adjudicators On Sunday 29 November, ances. describing both bands’ per- Imperial College Big Band This was followed with a formances as “at least equal took part in the National change of pace as singer to the quality of the National Concert Band Festival, held Ruth Roberts led the vocal Final last year”. UNIS were at Colchester Institute of ballad A Nightingale Sang In the gold medallists of the Music and Performing Arts, nationwide competition last and won the gold award. This “I don’t know, year. Imperial Big Band and The Big Band at the 2004 summer ball was one of seven divisional UNIS Big Band are now competitions taking place I haven’t tried making plans for a joint gig once a week but it was evi- through the rhythms and ter that set them apart from across the UK and as such, in Guildford, followed by a dent from their performance harmonies in a way that the rest. the next step will almost today” recording session the next that an intricate knowledge of you can’t get from reading On Wednesday 15 December, certainly take the band to day. the pieces and a life-long music. Their enthusiasm and the Big Band will be perform- the National Finals at the MAYNARD BURNS, when Imperial College’s Big habit of listening to the jazz enjoyment of the music gave ing a Christmas-themed gig Royal Northern College of asked how high he could play Band practice together just masters propelled them them the quality and charac- in dBs. Strong contenders for ULU trophy

CHESS CLUB friends. The Dinner will be sightseeing while exercising have beaten King’s College defeat at the hands of the on Friday 10 December 2004, your mind with a few games both at home (4-2) and away Imperialists comes as a fat at 7pm in Kwality Tandoori of chess), an Imperial College (5-1). We were pleased when surprise to all of us. I’ve also By Anup Sinha Restaurant (38 Thurloe Championship (here the win- we outclassed LSE 5-1 at heard that Imperial won in Place, SW7 2HP). Please ner and runners-up will get a home. After our strong suc- the Middlesex league against The Chess Club is going from email [email protected] if you prize) and matches against cession of results, we fielded LSE 8-0! This means Imperial strength to strength this year. would like to come. Oxford and Cambridge (to a team mostly comprised of is a strong contender for the We have been able to recruit Our members will have see who is at the top of the first year students, who had trophy. I’ve also heard that six players with a BCF rating the opportunity to play a game). We are going to elect a expressed their will to play LSE’s team is comprised of more than 150. But we are grandmaster in January. We new committee member soon for the team. We happened to solely of players with a rating still looking for more players, also offer free entry to some to help us with the amount of lose the game 4-2. But, it was of more than BCF 140, which of all skill levels, to further tournaments. If you are not work we are undertaking. still a fairly good result, as we is a scary thought...” strengthen our squad. already a member, it only Since the last edition of Thames Valley University, played five players (out of six) The current committee The Chess Club meets costs £5 to become one. Felix, we have won further 8-0 against LSE, 7-1 against who had never represented members are doing an excel- every Wednesday at 7pm in Other events we are plan- matches, to stay top of both Harrow, 5-3 against Hendon Imperial College Chess Club lent job with their organisa- the Union Building (top floor, ning to organise include a the Middlesex League and and 6-2 against Kings Head. I before. tional skills. Please email seminar room 3). summer trip to Greece (this the ULU League. don’t think I need to say more Donald Pang, the organiser [email protected] with your We are going to have the should provide an excellent In the Middlesex League, about the performance of our of the ULU Chess League queries, and visit www.union. inaugural Christmas Dinner opportunity to use your sum- we have won all our match- players here. (from UCL) commented, ic.ac.uk/chess for further for our members and their mer holiday to have fun with es convincingly: 8-0 against In the ULU League, we “Well, LSE’s crushing details. Stop violence against women

AMNESTY SOCIETY with a razor and knife... Her In the UK alone, recorded organization in the world, Thursday and Friday lunch- other programmes planned earlobes were sliced off, her acts of violence include hon- recognizes violence against times) and a talk by Maryam throughout the year. Watch nose reduced to a reddened our killings, forced marriage, women as a serious viola- Namazi on the violation of out for upcoming events By Farah Vohra stump of bone and her eyes rape, sexual violence, traf- tion of human rights. This the rights of women (watch such as the ‘Christmas Card replaced by empty sockets.” ficking, female genital muti- year, Amnesty has chosen to out for more information on Campaign’, the ‘Control “He caught me and tied me She was three months preg- lation, physical abuse and highlight this issue by run- this). Arms’ campaign, the up and then he started cut- nant at the time. others. ning a ‘Stop Violence Against Imperial students can show ‘Human Rights and War on ting my face. He never said a [Source: Constable, “The ● 167 women are raped each Women’ campaign from the their support by attending Terror’ campaign and the word except, ‘This is your last Price of ‘Honour’”, The day 25 November (International the events and actively par- ‘World Human Rights Day’ night...’” Gazette (Montreal), May 22, ● One woman in nine is Day for the Elimination of ticipating in our campaign by protest. This is the case of Zahida 2000] severely beaten by her male Violence Against Women) signing petitions, respond- The members of Imperial Parveen, a 32-year-old This is just one of many partner each year (Stanko et until 10 December (World ing to urgent action letters, College’s Amnesty society Pakistani woman who was cases of violence perpetrated al, 1998) Human Rights Day). giving donations and getting meet up every Thursday at severely beaten by her hus- against women. Statistics ● On average, a woman is The Amnesty International your hands messy and leav- 12noon on the top floor of band for allegedly having show that ‘at least one out of assaulted 35 times before her Society here, at Imperial, ing your mark on our ban- the Union building. For more an affair with her brother- every three women has been first call to the police (Jaffe, has chosen to mark the occa- ner (literally!) All you have information, or to join our in-law. In blind anger, her beaten, coerced into sex, or 1982) sion by organizing a variety to do is turn up at a tabling society, just turn up at one husband “bound her hands otherwise abused in her life- Amnesty International, of events, including tabling session. of our meetings or contact and feet” and “slashed her time.’ [Amnesty Pamphlet] the largest human rights sessions in the JCR (this Amnesty has a host of [email protected].

Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 15

What’s on [email protected] CLUBS AND SOCIETIES THURSDAY 12 DECEMBER LEOSOC: CHRISTMAS CARD MAKING 9 DECEMBER UNION EVENTS 7pm Running an event? MEDICAL SCHOOL Room 407, Electrical FILMS CAROL SERVICE Engineering Building THE MOTORCYCLE 6pm Have some fun making origi- Tell us about it! DIARIES St Augustine’s Church, nal Christmas cards and help 6pm Queen’s Gate people at the same time. The Felix will print your listings free of charge. Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad Start Christmas week with cards we make are used by Just email [email protected] and tell us: Contact: [email protected] carols by candlelight and Amnesty. • the name of the event readings from professors and Contact: • who is running it CLUBS AND SOCIETIES students, followed by mulled [email protected] • the time MEDICS DRAMA wine and mince pies. AUDITIONS Contact: UNION EVENTS • the location 6.30pm onwards [email protected] STA TRAVEL QUIZ NIGHT • the cost (if any) Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross 8–10.30pm • a brief description of the event Hospital Beit Quad • a contact email address Auditions for the main play, MONDAY FREE The Crucible, at Charing The quiz is a bit of a tradition Cross. There are around 20 13 DECEMBER at the Union, with cash and favourites. BLADE TRINITY (15) parts in total, six of them beer prizes on offer. Get a Contact: [email protected] FRIDAY Fri to Thurs: 12.30pm, 3.20pm, main. So whether you fancy UNION EVENTS team together and see how 6pm, 8.45pm. Fri and Sat only: a leading role or want to help MISTLETOE AND much you really know. UNION EVENTS 17 DECEMBER 11.30pm. with costumes, lighting, set MAYHEM: THE MEDICS Contact: [email protected] MEDICS SPORTS NIGHT THE POLAR EXPRESS (U) or backstage, please come to CHRISTMAS BALL Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross UNION EVENTS Fri to Thurs: 1.10pm, 3.30pm, the auditions. Pacha UNION EVENTS Hospital WINTER WONDERLAND 5.45pm, 8pm. Sat and Sun Contact: Get ready for a night of fun PARAMOUNT COMEDY A huge clubs and societies BOP only: 10.45am. [email protected] a frolics at one of London’s ON TAP night in the style of Freshers Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross THE INCREDIBLES (U) most prestigious nightclubs – 8pm Fortnight. Celebrate Hospital Fri to Thurs: 1pm, 2.15pm, UNION EVENTS Pacha. With £4000 behind the Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross Christmas with your club! The last and biggest bop of 3.45pm, 5pm, 6.30pm, 7.45pm, COMEDY NETWORK bar, top DJs and free sheesha, Hospital Contact: the year. Come and celebrate 9.10pm. Fri and Sat only: 8pm you might think Christmas The last and undoubtedly best [email protected] Christmas at the Reynolds 10.30pm, 11.45pm. Sat and dBs, Beit Quad has come to soon. Tickets comedy of term. Arrive early with Father Christmas and a Sun only: 10.30am, 11.30am. £4 are £15 and are on sale now. to avoid disappointment. snow machine! BRIDGET JONES: EDGE With Dan Antopolski. Available from South Ken SU Contact: THURSDAY Contact: OF REASON (15) Contact: [email protected] office, Charing Cross bar and [email protected] [email protected] Fri to Thurs: 12.40pm, 3.10pm, Wilson House each night this 16 DECEMBER 5.40pm, 8.30pm. Fri and Sat FILMS week. CLUBS AND SOCIETIES UNION EVENTS only: 11pm. HERO Contact: SINFONIETTA CONCERT FILMS CHRISTMAS SHOWCASE CHRISTMAS WITH THE 8.45pm [email protected] 8pm SHARK TALE 8pm–2am KRANKS (PG) Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad Great Hall, Sherfield Building 6pm Beit Quad Fri to Thurs: 1.45pm, 4.15pm, Contact: [email protected] £2–£5 Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad £6 6.40pm. Sat and Sun only: TUESDAY Music by Wagner, Schubert Contact: [email protected] End the term with hip-hop, 11.10am. and Copland. drum ‘n’ bass and bangra. THE MERCHANT OF FRIDAY 14 DECEMBER Contact: [email protected] UNION EVENTS Contact: [email protected] VENICE (PG) ACOUSTIC NIGHT Fri to Thurs: 1.30pm, 6.50pm. 10 DECEMBER FILMS Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross THE FORGOTTEN (12A) CINEMA ALL-NIGHTER WEDNESDAY Hospital ALL WEEK Fri to Thurs: 9pm. Fri and Sat UNION EVENTS From 6pm An evening of live acoustic, only: 11.10pm. SCHOOL DAZE Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad 15 DECEMBER jazz and open mic at the FILMS: VUE CINEMA, AFTER THE SUNSET 8pm–2am 6pm Shark Tale Reynolds. FULHAM BROADWAY (12A) dBs, Beit Quad 8.25pm I, Robot UNION EVENTS Contact: Student discount ALL WEEK Fri to Thurs: 9.30pm. Fri and £3 10.50pm Wimbledon CHEEKY [email protected] THE PHANTOM OF THE Sat only: 11.50pm. Vodka and mixer £1 in dBs 12.45am Man On Fire 8pm–1am OPERA (12A) NAPOLEON DYNAMITE while stocks last. 3.30am Layer Cake Beit Quad FILMS Fri to Thurs: 12noon, 2pm, (PG) Contact: [email protected] 5.30am Sky Captain: The £1 MAN ON FIRE 3pm, 5.10pm, 6.15pm, 8.15pm, Fri to Thurs: 10.15pm. Sat and World of Tomorrow Flirty current chart music 8.15pm 9.20pm. Fri and Sat only: Sun only: 11.20am. Contact: [email protected] and party classics. plus the Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad 11.20pm. Sat and Sun only: RIDING GIANTS (12A) SUNDAY Big Band playing seasonal Contact: [email protected] 11am. Fri to Thurs: 4.30pm. Competitions Win a mobile phone worth £120 ‘Tis the season to get jolly and snap happy! Take a photo of your mate this holiday when they’re looking worse for wear and Virgin Mobile will reward the most mischievous photographer with their very own Sony Ericsson T610 camera phone worth £120. To celebrate the launch of Virgin Mobile’s great new infotainment service, BITES, and its scandalous ‘Worse for Wear’ gallery of the all time best pictures, we’re encouraging you to get creative on your festive booze fuelled evenings out and send us the evidence. We’re talking underpants on your head, lipstick moustaches and squirty cream bikinis – as if you need any encouragement! BITES is an exciting new boredom busting service which offers downloads, competitions, gossip and a laugh straight to your phone. Free to use until February 2005, BITES is the perfect antidote to boredom, offering bite-sized entertainment on demand. For more information visit www.virgin- mobile.com/bites. Virgin Mobile customers call 22522 to set-up on BITES.

To enter, hand your photo in to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad, or email it to [email protected] Felix 16 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Music [email protected] Stars delight, Brian disappoints The eclectic Canadians’ third album is a fantastic example of what pop should be, whereas Br ian “I used to be in Westlife” McFadden’s solo attempt is somewhat poor

too many drinks last night, yes / conservative. ALBUM REVIEWS that’s why I made you stay” sings Yes, it’s his new ‘mature’ album; Torquil, like it’s the most romantic however it mainly stays safe with Stars sentiment ever. slow, meandering musical compo- Set Yourself On Fire You need to hear this record. sitions: music that makes Keane (Arts & Crafts Records) Seriously. It’s moving, at turns sound like the Kinks. The overall HHHHH both funny and bleak, and it’s full songwriting is uninspired as well, of more great melodies and clever which is not surprising as he co- Stars are yet another band to come lyrics than most bands manage in wrote the album with Robbie out of the eclectic Canadian collec- an entire career. You owe it to your William’s ex-songwriter. All songs tive that spawned KC Accidental, ears, your heart, and that little gooey fall into one of two categories: the Broken Social Scene and Metric, the bit in your brain that loves great pop happy songs about love, or the sad basic premise being that loads of music. songs about love. And with each art-school musicians (Do Say Make Andrew Sykes one having a nice slop of schmaltz Think members, for example) get Music Editor applied to it, you’ve a recipe for together in random little groups a whole album consisting of dull, and make deliberately different unmemorable songs, with a few that music from their ‘home’ bands. Brian McFadden are recognisable purely for being When these beard-stroking, arch Irish Son excessively bad – Sorry, Love Daddy post-rock kids go pop, the results Brian McFadden: “Now I’m a serious solo artist, I need a beard!” (Sony Music UK) being a prime example, a real heart are astonishing. Marketing: “But it makes you look a tit” HHIII wrencher written as a goodbye note Stars is based around the “he said, from a father who decides to do she said” vocal interplay of the fan- mundane facts of a breakup room and dead-on observations will make Jim Morrison’s back! Well, he isn’t a runner. Except it wrenches the tastically named Torquil Campbell to breathe: “There are bills here for you laugh (or cry) it off. actually, but from looking at the funny bone rather then the heart and Amy Millan. You can consider you / that’s cos nothing is free.” Special mention must go to The front cover art for the ex-Westlife (and if someone I knew decided to them the most pop end of the col- Ageless Beauty is a wall of guitar First Five Times for being the best star’s latest album you can tell write his goodbye like that, I’d be lective; there’s precious little in the noise, reminiscent of Broken Social song ever about the first five times that’s the look he’s going for, as the glad he’s gone). way of wigouts, krautrock clicks or Scene’s Almost Crimes, which you have sex with someone – it’s rugged former boy band charmer There are a few reasonably inter- any of that crap. They aim to take progresses slowly and predictably, achingly true, heartrendingly funny now makes his attempt at a credible, esting songs on here though – the over the genre founded by later Amy’s soft, schoolgirl-esque vocals and just plain genius. A bouncy ‘grown up’ record. But coming from opener, Irish Son, is a surprisingly Pavement and Stephen Malkmus floating ethereally over the top, acoustic riff drives Torquil through a safe, chart-friendly musical back- articulate tune about the strict reli- – the wry, witty pop song, mixing before a surprising, offbeat flurry of his reminiscing, before a buzzing ground, you know he’s not going gious upbringing in his home coun- experimentation with clever lyrics hypermelodic guitar noise signals bassline and heavy drums take us to push the boundaries too far, and try, if let down by the cheesiness and hook-laden choruses. the huge chorus to come crashing to a much darker place: “And every he’s definitely not going to call him- of the tune. Same with Lose – Lose Opener Your Ex-Lover Is Dead is in while she joyfully proclaimes “We day / it’s changed since then”, sing self the new lizard king, take loads Situation, although it’s back to love a tounge-in-cheek, heart-in-mouth will always be alive!” A My Bloody Amy and Torquil together in glori- of drugs and run around naked again, mind (and – gasp – he even description of the end of a relation- Valentine homage it may be, but its ously sad harmonies. onstage, unlike the aforementioned swears a bit!). Walking Disaster is ship, set against horns and Death a damn good one. I could talk for hours about how Doors front man. also a decent energetic little tune, Cab-esque guitar lines. The whole What I’m Trying To Say comes great this album is. Every song is Or will he? Songs like Demons and taking its inspiration from recent thing has a vague resemblance to across like the Postal Service aping a small slice of pop perfection in its He’s No Hero, with its lyrics of doom bands like Snow Patrol. Fairy Tale Of New York; it catalogues Superchunk; bleepy keyboards and own right; witness swelling horns and alcoholism (sample: “Have you But that’s it, and the rest is just love gone sour in the same offbeat syncopated basslines track a bit- and soft organs on Sleep Tonight, ever, been lost in a different world the same boring dirge, albeit a bet- way. In fact, the whole record is tersweet tale of love and heavy drug driving, bouncy basslines and eight- / where everything you have known ter set of dirge then what was pro- about relationships being destroyed, use with yet another killer chorus: ies synths on the hopelessly upbeat / has gone…”), it gives the impres- duce with Westlife. I would only rec- falling apart, or reminisced over. “I am trying to say / what I’m trying paen to love Set Yourself On Fire, sion that the squeaky-clean image ommend buying this as a Christmas Check out The Big Fight; gentle to say / without having to say / I love or the rush of Pavement guitars of Westlife hides a history of misuse present for that older relatives who Rhodes piano and a slow, gentle you”. Cheesy is never far away when that precedes an ode to longlost and depression. Well it would do, thinks Dido offers enough excite- jazz feel allow Torquil and Amy’s you’re trying to chronicle romantic schooldays and Friend’s Reunited- if the actual musical compositions ment in music today. call-and-response vocals about the entanglements, but the clever wit style meetings, Reunion. “I had six included in it weren’t so dull and Matthew Hartfield Kings of Leon showcase their new, self-written material However, who cares about originali- SINGLE REVIEW ty when a riff this good pounds away with all its garage rock scratchy Kings of Leon excellence? Four Kicks After repeated listens I still have (HandMeDown Records) no idea what Caleb is singing about. HHHHH The chorus goes something like, “You whipped, you switch play pie- Listening to this gets one in touch sale, I get my guns from south, who with one’s primal urges. I had to take to the yard like a cock fight, for restrain myself from shaking loose kids who’s strutting now?” If anyone and getting in touch with my inner has any idea what this means, then ape whilst screaming out, “RAWK!” please send your answer on a post- Darker, edgier and yet more card to: Couldn’t Care Less With A melodic than anything on Youth And Riff This Good, London, England. Young Manhood, this also manages For all the incomprehensible lyr- to take over your life in its “what ics, I guarantee that you will be just happened there?” two minutes shouting along about whipping your and ten seconds. Yes! Only two tackle out at a pie-sale (I will not minutes ten seconds; that’s how long be held responsible for any mental the Mars Volta take to tune up. It damage this may incur) by the third follows the formula of The Bucket listen. Oh, and did I mention how with its driving verse and then good the riff is? half speed broken down chorus. Matthew Hoban Kings of Leon: tunesmiths of the highest order; great beards too Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 17

MUSIC [email protected] Feature: Four Day Hombre Shocker! Good Five lads from Lancaster who make sky-scraping, epic rock in their home-made studio return with their new EP Charlotte EP REVIEW single

Four Day Hombre panned, Mr M (Alamo Records) Chemical HHHHI Sometimes the best way to describe Brothers any band is through comparisons. Sometimes, though, pigeon-holing does them an injustice. Such is the regress situation with Four Day Hombre. During the A&R frenzy following the release of their Radio 1 approved SINGLE REVIEWS debut single The First Word Is The Hardest, there were many compari- Chemical Brothers sons made: Elbow, Muse, Haven, Galvanise Mogwai, Jeff Buckley, The Smiths... Four Day Hombre: talented and sadly overlooked Virgin Records the list goes on indefinitely. As you HHHII can already see from that variety, enter spine-tingling harmonies of lot like Elbow. But then it explodes drops down to just piano and vocals this old pigeon-holing business isn’t the man-screaming type. The song into a big, bold, and loud chorus. in a truly spine-tingling way to The Chemical Brothers have as easy as it’s cracked up to be. ends in a cacophony of noise before They manage to avoid the old post- finish. returned to their roots. This is basi- Lead track on this three song EP, the brilliant addition of the lead rock ‘quiet bit, loud bit’ formula by A brilliant release from a band cally musical language for “We’ve Mr M, starts with piano and delicate guitar’s lead being pulled out and bringing it back down for the end- trying to make it on their own (see run out of ideas and now we’re going semi-falsetto vocals, creating some thrown on the floor. So it goes indie ing. interview, below), may Four Day to nick stuff from our more success- dark atmospherics before the addi- intro, Muse-style chorus theatrics, The Boy With The Mended Heart Hombre continue to confuse music ful albums”. tion of some nifty slide-guitar. It and ends in white noise. See the begins with snare drums and upbeat journalists for years to come. However, the Chemicals have not builds gradually, creating an amount problem? piano, again with very atmospheric, James Millen gone back to big beat but the inspi- of tension before the chorus. Then Drink starts slowly, and sounds a delicate yet sky-scraping vocals. It Alternative Music Society President ration behind that genre. They’ve gone back to their hip-hop roots, even employing A Tribe Called Quest’s Q-Tip (anyone remember Can I Kick It?). The big bass is still Life is cheese there but there is a distinct lack of drive in this track. The repetition of the line, “Don’t hold back!” in the track does not Felix managed to catch up with Simon Wainwright, pin him to a chair translate into the music, where every part of this record feels predictable, and ask him about Radio 1 airplay, their new self-run label, and cheese so much so that the climax doesn’t feel that climactic. Everything just of Lancashire and Yorkshire...gives After spending a year or so out do it yourself.” Since they’d already happens and does not demand atten- INTERVIEW you a certain, erm, outlook. A cer- in the unsigned wilderness, Four collected lots of creative people and tion, nor is there the experimenta- tain appreciation.” Day Hombre emerged from their were “doing everything in-house tion with sounds as with previous Four Day Hombre The core members met at basement studio with a incredible, anyway – all the artwork, the web efforts (including the fantastic Star Simon Wainright, vocals/guitarist Lancaster University, “doing vari- self-produced single. Simon talks stuff, the marketing” they decided Guitar). All in all, this new single Quote: “Try again. Fail better” ous other musical activities”. Not frankly about the aftermath: “When it was time to do it. “We thought we from the Chemical Brothers is as having any real music qualifications, we first got all the airplay on Radio 1 might as well just make it official, average as this review. Four Day Hombre isn’t these lads’ they formed a band “because we with The First Word Is The Hardest put on our waterwings and jump Matthew Hoban first band. They’ve had years of desperately wanted to make great our phone just went mad with every in at the deep end. We’re all strong being involved in bands “of varying music... it was the only avenue we A&R man, or A&R man’s monkey, swimmers.” styles and success – from clubland could explore. Ash (drums) was an calling us up and saying they loved Though the label was set up pri- Good Charlotte and beyond”, explains Simon. old mate of Ed’s (keyboards) and he us and could they have a full demo marily as a way of releasing their I Just Wanna Live “There’s a lot to be said for cut- initially came down to just lay down and were we playing London and own records, there are plans to sign Epic Records ting your teeth and learning your some loops. The rest, as they say, is would we like to meet up... It was more bands. Simon sees it as a IIIII trade in the working men’s clubs history”. incredible and for a while it felt like future direction for the label, not we ruled the world and all glory for at least two years: “If we’re in a No, no, no, no, no! If faced with would be ours... in a narcissistic kind position to get other bands record- the prospect of having my testicles of way.” ing at that point then we’ll definitely removed by starved badgers or lis- In the end, though, the band turned do it.” tening to this song more than once, down the offers, worried about how He has a few sage words of advice then I’m afraid the life of a eunuch the future would pan out if they for young bands trying to get their awaits me. They have really taken did: “In the end we weren’t offered music heard: “Try again. Fail again. the whole punk boy band thing to a lot – we didn’t really fit any par- Fail better. Keep playing, at all times a new level, a level where they just ticular niche and couldn’t be associ- just keep playing.” He has high become a boy band. ated with any bandwagon.” Simon hopes for the exposure potential of If you wanted to know what N*Sync explains that they were seen as a the web: “Get something on the would sound like if they didn’t shave long shot by most of the labels, and internet. For better or worse, it is for a couple of days and were beaten “major labels won’t back long shots the future.” with sacks full of coal as children, at the moment – the stakes are so Four Day Hombre relied mainly then by all means indulge yourself high, the chances of success so slim upon their own recording and pro- with this. Think of me as your sacri- and the budgets so offensively large ducing skills, as Simon explains. ficial lamb; I listen to this perversely that unless you’re a sure-fire seller “Take the plunge and invest in some grotesque excuse for music so you or a photocopy of the latest big thing recording gear, no matter how basic. don’t have to. In fact, I deserve a cult then you don’t really stand much of a It allowed us to develop our sound who worship me, judging from how chance.” It was a case of “not want- and take away the pressure of one- truly awful Good Charlotte are. ing to give up our creative freedom day recording sessions.” Wise words If they insist on making this kind – we were very independent, even indeed. of faeces-smeared life-draining then.” Lastly, asked to compare his ’music’ then they should now be Setting up a record label was an music to a Tesco Value product, called Bad Charlotte. Bad. So they almost logical step from there: “Over Simon chooses “cheese of a nota- just wanna live, well then they the last year we’ve released two ble strength” before finishing with should give people a reason not to singles and had numerous record the prophetic “life is cheese; ask kill them. Come on boys, good men contracts in our hands, and we’ve anyone.” have died for less in fishing and become painfully aware that if you Sartre, eat your heart out. cooking accidents. Four Day Hombre: all tiny midgets. No, really want anything doing properly then James Millen Matthew Hoban Felix 18 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Nightlife [email protected] Ian Betts: from RSM to Radio 1

were you called? daze, just staring around, not really Christmas Party at KoKo [formerly INTERVIEW We were called (hangs head in knowing what to do. I had to leave, it Camden Palace] this Friday which Regular readers may recall that pre- shame) Easy Meat. was too much to take in. That whole is going to be awesome. They’ve viously I have enthused about the experience is definitely the pinnacle completely refurbished CP and it merits of DJ and former Imperial Easy Meat?! so far! looks so plush, all the Heat DJs student Ian Betts and his produc- I know, I know, it wasn’t my choice, will be there, the atmosphere will tion Love Resurrection. I invited I was out-voted three to one. But And then there was Love be fantastic and it’s just going to be Ian back to College to find out how we weren’t that bad, we played a Resurrection... brilliant. If you get there early there you go from being an Imperial headline gig at the Mean Fiddler Indeed. I’d had the idea for a while, will be some tickets on the door. I’m graduate to one of the most talked once and the Garage another time. and then when I got my studio I had also taking bookings for April and about names in the London trance We split up after a year or two when the chance to give it a go. People May already, there’s Heat Evolution scene with bookings from here to one of the guitarists went to Cardiff, seemed to love it, and because I only in January as well as Knowwhere Thailand. and then I joined another, more gave it to a very few select people, that month. Heat have some mas- folky band. The music background it was mostly me who played it so it sive things planned for next year, FELIX: Welcome back then! probably helped with picking up the became associated with me, which things that will blow what they’ve How are you? DJing. probably helped. It finally went to done so far out of the water, so look IAN BETTS: Very well thanks! But press a couple of weeks ago. 750 out for those. pretty busy. With a full time job, So how did you get into trance were printed and it sold out in about DJing and the production stuff if you were an indie kid? 10 days apparently. I think we’re So you’re planning on running always on the go, it can get a bit Well dance music didn’t really exist going to get another 750 done, it’s with the DJ thing? Don’t fancy hectic, but I can’t really complain. when I started uni and it only began Betts: knows where he’s headed been licensed to a couple of MoS heading back into promotion? to pick up after I left. Basically, type compilations in South Africa Not really, now the DJing is working Nice of you to spare us the when I was working at the factory, And that’s when it all kicked and they use it in most of the jingles nicely I think I’ll stick with it. I’m time then. You were here a some of the guys went to a bar one off? on their equivalent of Radio 1, and still going to be doing a lot of pro- while ago weren’t you? evening and then just said “Hey, Oh yeah! Damo loved the set as well as you say, you can get it in HMV duction work too, there’s about five Yeah, from ’89 to ’92, I did geology in lets go to a club”. We went along, it and I got asked back to play a few Japan. things in the pipeline, I’m back off the RSM. I think I’ve been back once just clicked with me, and I’ve never more gigs for Heat, I started play- home now to get in the studio with since I graduated, that was about looked back! ing out on a more regular basis, my Not to mention Radio 1 in this Marc [French, Heat DJ] and there ten years ago. name got around and I was asked to country... may be a Heat LP sometime next What about the DJing? be the other Heat resident back in That was also awesome. I’d played year too. Notice anything different? That was even later. I had been buy- February. at Knowwhere on the Friday night Not really. It all looks remarkably ing records for a while, all the stuff I just before Dave Pearce and used it Any advice for the kids that similar to back then. The [Beit] was hearing out at the weekends, I’d And now you’re one of the big- as my last tune. As usual the reac- want to get into DJing? Quad is a bit tidier and looks like buy it just because I loved it. I had gest trance DJs in London. tion was incredible, he noticed, so It’s clichéd I know, but it really is it might have had a bit of a paint, no intention of playing it seriously, Ha ha! People always say this to I gave him a copy, rather hopefully. all about practise, practise as much and there used to be a games room DJing never crossed my mind, I just me, but I honestly don’t see it. It’s Then on Sunday night I was driving as possible, and try to be differ- where those toilets are, but this [the had a basic turntable. And then it really strange, like being in the eye home listening to Dance Anthems, ent. Promoters hear hundreds of Union Bar] looks almost exactly as got to a stage where we thought that of the storm where everything is I was about a mile from home and demos a week so you have to stand I remember it, and I knew it quite the scene had changed too much, just going on around you. I guess I heard the beat coming in, I went out – playing anthems will get you well! There’s also that big white the clubs weren’t as good as they because it’s happened so gradually crazy, I had to pull over and catch nowhere. Do your own productions, frame thing on the road up here. were in the old days etc. and I never really intended it to take my breath until it finished, it was remix stuff, be different. These days, off, I haven’t noticed anything that incredible. about 75% of what I play is either The Tanaka Business School. Some things really don’t different. my own original work or remixes/ Oh right. That wasn’t there when I change then? You did some radio work your- reworks that I’ve done. And talk to was here. It doesn’t quite look fin- Exactly. So they said to me, you’ve Oh come on! Heat resident self didn’t you? them, go to their events and get to ished...? got a load of records, why don’t [they only have two], headline Well, I did a show on [internet radio know them. They are more likely to you start playing? It seemed like a sets for Twisted, Cream at Am- station] TranceAirwaves for a while. respond to you if they see you out Strange you should say that. reasonable idea so I bought myself nesia in Ibiza, tunes played on I sent them an email and demo and about than if you just send them So, you did geology, and now a pair of belt-driven hi-fi turntables Radio 1... you aren’t exactly asking if they wanted any DJs, a CD and never follow it up. you’re a world famous DJ. Not and taught myself to mix on those. It ‘local’ any more. and they said yes. Sadly it doesn’t exactly a common career path was only a hobby back then though, Those things were all astonishing. exist anymore, those kind of things OK then, finally, what did you is it? I never considered taking it any fur- I did a three hour headline set for cost money, especially when you’re think of the DJ Mag Top 100? It’s not quite like that. I only really ther, didn’t dream of it. But I picked Twisted at the Fridge, and it baffled streaming terabytes of data, and I think this year’s results show just DJ part time. During the day I’m it up, and about three years later in me. I fully expected no-one to turn they just weren’t getting the invest- how global the poll is now, and the an IT consultant for an American ’99 I started my own promotion so up and the place was absolutely ment needed. It’s a shame because growing popularity of dance music bank. I left uni with a massive debt that I could start to play out to real rammed, I suppose that’s when I internet radio is a fantastic resource in America. I also think a lot of and ended up getting a job in a meat people. started to think “Hmmm, maybe and I think it is definitely the way DJs place too much importance on factory to pay it off. While I was there’s something in this?” forward. The potential audiences making it into the list – the Top 10 there I bought myself a computer And it all kicked off from The Amnesia gig came about are huge and it’s mush easier to get is pretty much impenetrable at the and taught myself IT and it kind of there? because Heat were doing a week internet radio going than a proper moment. The DJs got where they developed from there. The DJing Not at all. Like I said, back then it of co-promotions out there. Damo radio station. are through hard work but they have came much later. And I wouldn’t say was just a bit of fun, literally a hobby. suggested me to Cream, I sent them also turned themselves into widely ‘world famous’. It only really started to gather any a demo and they booked me for the So what have you got lined up recognisable ‘brands’ and so will momentum about 18 months ago. opening set. I played before Armin for next year? always feature highly in such polls. So what were you like as an I was made redundant just before van Buuren! Well, I’m going back to do a small I do respect PvD and Ferry Corsten undergraduate? that, and I got a pretty decent redun- tour of Australia some time, a few because they are consistently good, Many drunken nights spent in dancy package, so I decided to buy a What was that like? dates around Sydney, Melbourne, and Ferry is one of the most innova- Southside, and RSM bar nights on load of new kit. I got myself set up Strange. I was perfectly fine for the Perth. Apparently there’s already a tive producers around. The list does Wednesdays with the chaps and with a studio at home, bought myself whole day and directly before the buzz and they expect tickets for a highlight which genres are most their drinking games. some proper decks and started gig, people kept asking me if I was boat party to sell out pretty quickly. popular though; trance is that big getting gigs and doing it more nervous but I actually wasn’t. I knew I’m going to Thailand to do a Full outside London, it’s up there with Good grief, things really seriously. Around March last what I was doing, why would I be? Moon party for Heat, there’s a big house, even in England, you don’t haven’t changed! year, I played a gig for Heat at It all went great, it started off with outdoor event in Cape Town with a find many hard dance clubs outside Ha ha, probably not, no. I was into Turnmills and Steve Hill [Kiwi leg- a couple of hundred people there 4000 people arena that I’ll probably London. my indie and rock stuff back then end, DJ, producer, record label whose faces I mostly knew, which be doing and Steve [Hill] is always too, I almost got involved with Felix boss] was there, as well as Damo was nice. By the end there were a on the look out for stuff in Oz and Thanks very much for taking and the radio station, but I never got [HeatUK head honcho]. I played few thousand people there. Armin NZ. They’ve asked me back to Ibiza the time to speak to us. Any- round to it. I played drums and gui- Love Resurrection as my first tune liked it, I had a chat with him, shook next season. thing else you’d like to add? tar in a band though, and we used and the place absolutely went off, his hand, all fairly usual, and then I Just that it’s the KoKo club this to practise in the basement of the Steve ran into the booth asking what left the DJ booth. All of a sudden I Any chance of seeing you in weekend and then Heat NYE at Union in this dingy little room with it was, and when I told him it was my realised what I’d just done, that I’d this country? Brixton, tickets are selling fast so if grotty carpets and a smoky kind of own tune he immediately wanted it just finished playing to five thousand Ha ha! Of course. I’m playing the you fancy coming along then I sug- stench. for his new record label and called people in the best club in the world main room at Brixton Academy gest you get in there quick. me every day for the next week ask- and they’d loved it. I stood by the for New Years Eve with Heat and Were you any good? What ing about it. bar for about two hours in an utter The Gallery, plus there’s the Heat Dominic Farrell Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 19

NIGHTLIFE [email protected] Paul van Dyk less than perfect DJ Paul van Dyk and club Gatecrasher are two of the biggest names around on the trance scene, but did they cut it last Friday at Heaven?

rather than trance. Still, he played cally if Nick Riley had deliberately CLUB REVIEW some ace tracks – Tilt’s The World (or been instructed to) played at a Doesn’t Know, and the brilliantly slower pace to make it easier for Gatecrasher urgent Jump The Next Train by PvD. Towards the end there was a Heaven Young Parisians. bit of the old magic. He finished off HHHII And then, the time had come – his set with a mix of Jump The Next 1am, the start of PvD’s set, and Train, nice and acoustic through the On Friday 26 November, the colossal that undeniably emotional, glorious vocals and then off like an express juggernaut that is Gatecrasher rum- sound. I crept forward to the front train, with everyone leaping about bled its way into London’s Heaven, to make sure it was him, and there’s like lunatics. and in the driving seat was the man an undeniable thrill in seeing that I have to say the place did look himself, variously known as God, deadpan face that’s looked out at extremely nice though – a big Your Majesty, or just plain Paul van you from so many record sleeves sparkly silver Gatecrasher lion up Dyk. and CD cases. It was less of an on the wall and a huge, enthusiastic I’d been looking forward to it for uplifting and euphoric set than I crowd. What makes it such a shame ages – the guys I met on the beach would have expected – more uncom- is that PvD and Gatecrasher do in Ibiza were coming down from promising, with a definite tech influ- have this colossal number of loyal Manchester, and in short, I was ence, but nothing wrong with that. followers that will hand over their thoroughly overexcited. There were plenty of big tunes as hard-earned 15 quid (or £22 on the Back in March of this year, club- well, like Sander van Doorn’s Dark door) and come anyway. Surely they land was looking distinctly wobbly. Roast, and many, many of his own deserve better. It’s sad to rely on the Trance had been flat on its back – For An Angel, Wir Sind Wir, Time old faces and brand recognition. for the whole of last year, and I’d Of Our Lives, and Crush – and this Let’s hope that the great man started to think maybe I’d grown is kind of when the trouble started. was simply having an off day and out of dance music. It was going to I recognised almost everything I we can put this behind us. I’ll still be a wrench, but bear in mind I’m heard him play, and I didn’t hear definitely go next time and I’ll be 27, and the time is going to come for anything I didn’t know that I des- as excited as I was this time. On all of us. Anyway, I went to this exact perately wanted to find out about. a brighter note, the next couple of same event in the exact same venue He played Space Brothers’ One months are looking to continue the back in March, and Paul van Dyk More Chance, for heaven’s sake, run of quality events that we’ve been was so frantically awesome, I joy- Paul van Dyk: having an off day? which is positively ancient and, I’m spoiled with this year: Lange, Smith fully ditched the idea of retirement sad to say, in my opinion a tiny bit & Pledger and Simon Patterson at and here I still am today. tion, the steps down to the tunnel, metal detectors, and overall, that cheesy. Paul just seemed to have TranceGeneration, Matt Darey’s So, I was expecting great things the orange glow of the lights, queues deep bass thump that you can hear given himself a bit of an easy ride. I Decade album launch at December’s from Friday, and indeed there’s of that unmistakable breed – club- and feel in the pit of your stomach. still love the man to bits but it really Knowwhere, Massive @ Heaven, nothing quite like arriving at Heaven bers, in their sexy trousers with zips Oooh... clubbing anyone? won’t do. I don’t know, perhaps he Lashed, and brand new trance night to bring you to an absolute pitch of up the side and trainers and funky Nick Riley warmed up for PvD, was ill, or having a bad day, but if Ultra Utopia in January. No sleep feverish excitement – the sweep of t-shirts, clutching their tickets in and played a surprisingly low-paced you’re performing, you’re going to for a while then. the road down the side of the sta- hot little hands, the bouncers, the set – sort of a proggy deep house be judged. I even wondered cyni- Josie Harral Festive fun Term is nearly over, thank god, and as 2004 draws to a close, the nightlife scene is hotting up. Here’s the Felix guide to the best of the Christmas and New Years Eve parties Christmas is coming, and its not just house night. most years) plus Justin Robertson, Into the New Year Frantic New Year’s Day the goose that is getting fat and has Lottie, Mutiny and more. If you’re clubbing for NYE, you prob- Koko people slobbering at the thought A Night Of True Playaz ably won’t be heading home to bed £15-20 of it. Wednesday 29 December Heat UK & Gallery – HeatNYE with a cup of cocoa after all the Rob Tissera and the NuEnergy col- With lectures out of the way there’s Fabric Brixton Academy excitement at midnight, so why not lective headlining a cracking after- no excuse for not making the most Hype, Zinc, Blackmarket, Brockie, £25-40 carry on into the new year? party for those who just don’t want of your nights out, and as Christmas Ratpack and many more all come Tall Paul, Fergie, K90 and many to go home. approaches the clubs are laying on together to fill all three rooms of many more at what will undoubtedly Trade New Year’s Morning plenty of parties over the festive giant Fabric with hoodies, caps and be one of the biggest and loudest Spectacular Twist New Year’s Day season, climaxing with one of the the glorious sound of drum and parties. Turnmills The Fridge best, or at least most expensive and bass. £15-20 £10 most hyped nights in the clubbing Fabric NYE BK and Fergie headline stalwart Ian M and Karim provide some of calendar, New Year’s Eve. Don’t just New Year’s Eve £35 Trade’s morning-after-party the hard stuff. take my word for it, though – have a New Year’s Eve is traditionally a Craig Richards, Freestylers, Terry Simon Clark look around and see what’s on offer, big one on the club scene. Whilst Francis and DJ Vadim. Fabric regu- because there’s bound to be some- there’s nothing better than being in lars galore at one of the biggest thing that’ll appeal to you. the middle of a rammed dancefloor clubs’ party. as Big Ben strikes, choose care- Christmas Parties fully (and quickly), as clubs charge Faith Competition Christmas is a great time to get a hefty tariff for special nights, and The Egg, York Way out and about and experience some tickets sell out quickly. £25 nightlife, especially since you prob- A slightly more eclectic, less full-on Win Ian Betts Heat CDs ably won’t have to get up in the Renaissance NYE party but still one that promises to mornings! In the run-up to the end The Cross, York Way deliver, with a line up featuring the If you’ve read our interview with is answer this simple question, a of the year, there are plenty of spe- Dave Seaman, Hybrid and Paul UnaBombers, Farley & Heller, and Heat DJ and Imperial graduate Ian trivial test for trance trainspotters: cial events on offer: Jackson headline a night for those Nancy Noise. Betts on the opposite page, you’ll who like to make progress. be drooling at the mouth for some What is the title of Ian Betts’ Heat UK Xmas Curtain Raiser Miss Moneypenny’s NYE of this. recently released single? Saturday 11 December The End New Years Eve Rouge, 144 Charing Cross Road Mr Betts has kindly given us sev- Koko £30-35 £30 eral CDs of his set at Heat back Come on, it’s not hard, the Layo & Bushwacka in the main room CJ Mackintosh, Jim Shaft Ryan. in June, to give away to you lucky answer is hidden somewhere in MissDemeanours Boxing Day and Sancho Panza in AKA people! this week’s Nightlife pages. Turnmills Imagine NYE So if you want to get your sweaty Drop us a line at clubs.felix@ic. £12 Together NYE The Rocket Complex little paws on some mind-blowing ac.uk with the answer and we will Lottie, Jon Carter, Ashley Beedle Turnmills £20-30 trance from one of the scene’s fast- sort you out with one of of the CDs. and Justin Robertson are back at £40 Pendragon, Pickle and Gathering ests rising stars, all you have to do Easy. Turnmills for round 2 of this popular Chemical Brothers (they’re here join forces for crazy psychadelia. Fancy doing some volunteering? Why not get active in the community whilst you’re at Imperial College London? It doesn’t matter if you work or study in Imperial – volunteering will have always something to offer you! We have over 250 volunteering opportunities in our database, so there should be a project for you.

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email phone check out volunteering 020 www. Imperial Volunteer Centre @ 7594 imperial.ac.uk/ imperial.ac.uk 8141 volunteering South Kensington campus Union Building Beit Quadrangle East Basement Linking opportunities Prince Consort Road IN PARTNERSHIP WITH IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION London SW7 2BB Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 21

Arts [email protected] Can you feel the love? Lynsey McInnes has her faith in the West End restored by The Lion King

menagerie of fantastically clad men pieces and magnificent costumes. The Lion King and women, providing a snapshot In fact, The Lion King deserves Not closing any time soon of the jungle kingdom. This first viewing if only for a montage of Lyceum Theatre, WC2 tableau sets the scene for the magic its costumes. Each player has been Students can get the best seats in the to come. There are men on stilts transformed into a fantastic char- house for £17.50 on the day dressed as timid giraffes, four men acter, including the conniving hyena caged into an elephant suit, a lithe stooped over and dressed in a grey Having previously subjected myself young woman roaming the stage as cape, a mask suspended from its to two other West End musicals a panther, and hordes more perform- forehead which bounces maniacally – Les Miserables and Fame – and ers in varying stages of animal dis- as it pounds the stage. Then there come out feeling thoroughly violat- guise. These fill the stage in a flurry are the synchronised jungle trees ed, it was with some trepidation that of uplifting song and dance and glue of agile dancers decked out in vivid I attempted a third, The Lion King, your eyes to the unbelievable display green leotards and sporting trails last Wednesday evening. being unveiled before you. of green silk who spin and pulsate Both previous musicals had been From this impressive begin- across the stage. In a bizarre musi- expensive mistakes – two hours of ning, the well-known story unfolds cal interlude, towering giraffes fill shoddy, half-hearted performance, with the introduction of evil Scar, replete with tired clichés, medio- the old King Mufasa and his young “A stunning piece of cre song and badly choreographed cub, Simba. While Scar excels in dance. Despite these unpromising his role as the evil uncle, from a musical theatre...” initial experiences, I had not heard start as the underdog scathing of a bad word spoken about The Lion the present regime to his demise the stage, kitted out in multi-col- King – indeed oft proclaimed the into a ridiculous leper, he is enter- oured silk cloaks emblazoned with musical of all musicals (an ambigu- taining throughout. Conversely, both patterns and swirls, and launch into ous compliment in my mind). So, Mufasa and the young Simba are toe-tapping song and surprisingly taking a deep breath, I crossed my weak leads. Neither come close to nimble dance. Such examples are fingers and hoped for the best. meriting stage space with the glori- just a taster of the weird and won- And the best is indeed what I got. ous backdrop of animal magic with derful creatures one is exposed to in The Lion King is a stunning piece of which they share each scene. Both the course of the show. No doubt you musical theatre (note: musical thea- are unconvincing main characters will find your own favourite among tre, not musical with all its nega- and fail to invoke sympathy for their the throng. tive connotations). From the sleek plight. Mufasa overemphasises his Perhaps you are now asking live orchestra, effective staging and role as benevolent king and young whether I’ve been paid to advertise reverberating song to the phenome- Simba, with his tacky grin and false the show, by the quantity of superla- nal costumes, everything about this amity, simply grates on the nerves. tives splashed across this article. show signals a professionalism and Somehow, and luckily, such short- I haven’t. The Lion King really is dedication quite obviously lacking comings fail to impinge on an other- an outstanding piece of entertain- in many other West End perform- wise spectacular performance. One ment and should be seen by every- ances. is led to ignore the hiccups of indi- one. Whether you want to take leave The show opens with the chant vidual artists and become immersed of your intellect and embrace the of an African woman, bouncing off instead in the wonderland expertly familiar songs and well-known story the walls of the theatre, filling every evoked by a talented team of set and or prefer to marvel at such an amaz- crevice with rich, vibrant sound, and costume designers. Throughout, one ing theatrical production, or indeed knocking all other thought from your is aware that no expense has been do both, you will undoubtedly come head. The stage then fills with a spared to produce authentic set- out satisfied. Go now! Gentleman in a rather impressive lion costume on stage at the Lyceum Wanted: one giant No singing, no dancing: (size not important!) Brass do West Side Story Iain Heaton invites you to join in and do your bit for the panto with style and great rhythm Can you say “Fe Fi Fo Fum”? are great! If you are interested in I think I’d be right in saying that (who for the most part looked a Excellent! You could be just who we being a giant, and fancy grinding up almost all of us are vaguely famil- bit bored, but were probably just are looking for! people’s bones to make your bread, iar with Bernstein’s classic West lost in concentration trying to keep Every year, Dramsoc puts on a then email Tom the director at Side Story. You know, it’s the one track of a thousand different things number of plays for your amuse- [email protected]. with the same storyline as Romeo at once, with the exception of Joel ment. One of the chosen pieces this and Juliet, except the action is no Farland on the drum kit when he year is the pantomime, Jack and ● If you’re really not the partici- longer in Verona but in New York got a chance to show us all what the Beanstalk (the first pantomime pating type, remember that there and the feuding parties are now he could do in style). The perform- Dramsoc has ever done!) It is to are still some arts events going on the natives and the invading Puerto ance was confident and they nailed be performed in the Union Concert in college right up until the end of Ricans. The story is a classic, and all the rhythms and themes that Hall on January 18 to 22. Well, that term. so is the music. Last Wednesday, a we’d all come to hear. The range of was the idea anyway, but there is The Choir have their concert privileged few had the pleasure of dynamics was impressive, bringing one slight problem: the lack of a tomorrow in the Great Hall, start- hearing Imperial Symphonic Brass the music to life in a hugely expres- giant to live up Jack’s beanstalk! ing at 8.00pm. Their programme and Percussion play the arrange- sive way. The mambo, cha-cha and That’s right, Dramsoc has run out includes the latest version of ment for brass of the music from the America were all full of Latin spirit, of actors (don’t worry, there are still Mozart’s not quite finished Requiem, show by Eric Crees. and the finale had some truly heart- plenty of techies so the Union can Remember: no pain no gain! Bach’s Magnificat and Beethoven’s The audience was privileged not breaking moments. continue to run smoothly). So this is However, the Union’s insurance Hallelujah, this particular version only due to the nature of the venue, The performance was full of jazz, where all you talented people come policy is probably not up to this coming from the Mount of Olives. the Union Dining Hall, but also, of swinging right along, and was over in. Instead of simply watching the type of stuntwork The Mozart is a hugely powerful course, in the quality of the perform- far too soon! This was a brief con- pantomime you can be in it! piece and you’ve all probably heard ance. The Crees arrangement, origi- cert enjoyed by all attending that Now before all you little people be keen and be willing to attend at least a snippet or two of it and nally for the London Symphony’s has definitely won the Brass more stop reading, the giant can be big rehearsals, which happen every should really hear a complete per- Brass ensemble, is renowned for fans. Make sure to keep an eye out or small (irony is a brilliant thing)! Thursday or Tuesday evening (you formance. being amongst the toughest, if for posters on the walkway advertis- It doesn’t matter whether you have will not be required to attend all Sinfonietta have their concert, in not the toughest, arrangement of ing future concerts – you will not never done any acting before in rehearsals). Rehearsals are very the same location, on Tuesday; be Bernstein’s music. regret taking the time to go. your life; this isn’t Shakespeare, this relaxed and friendly (and often prepared to be blown away by some The brass did themselves proud, Paola Smith is pantomime! All you need is to involve alcohol) and the cast (so far) Wagner and Copland! not to mention the percussion, Arts Editor Felix 22 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Books [email protected] Money causes rotation of Earth Unfunded and without a safety net, Tom Simonite discovers the future of research

He sees this as the unique and projected return from their invest- agined new findings by almost all Pioneering Research: defining character of the human ment in research. the recipients of Venture Research A Risk Worth Taking animal, the key to its success. Unfortunately research is an funding, a change of management by Donald Braben The ‘back of an envelope’ account inherently unpredictable business. at BP in 1989 led to the closure of (John Wiley & Sons Inc) of human history, from the evolu- Few of the most important and the Unit. HHHHI tion of Homo erectus to the indus- influential scientific breakthroughs The book can be characterised trial revolution, is also hard going. could ever have been forecast by as one side of a discussion on the Donald Braben paints a sorry pic- Despite acknowledging that better any committee. An investment in future of science. The continued ture of the current state of scientific histories of humanity are in no short research is like no other. expansion of professional science research. He asserts that without supply (Jared Diamond’s excellent Braben’s theory is that we should has led to the development of radical changes to the way it is Guns, Germs, Steel is one that is stop second-guessing research and bizarre bureaucracies to allocate funded, motivated and practised, recommended), Braben proceeds do away with bureaucratic obses- resources. Researchers find them- civilisation itself is under threat. nonetheless. sions with safety and control: “The selves having to play the game to Braben lays out his thesis effec- I have to admit that the ardour geese that lay the golden eggs are these rules and this will necessarily tively in the introduction, drawing of your intrepid reviewer wavered increasingly being farmed and impact the nature of the research the reader to commit to the book somewhat after the opening chap- focused, it is no wonder that our carried out. Braben’s book does a and his ideas. He explains that ters. Fortunately things soon get magical geese have become egg- back on track; Braben is far more bound in recent times.” He claims “Science became a “Civilisation itself is authoritative and interesting when that a drastic overhaul of the way writing on the problems posed by that research is funded and man- victim of its own under threat” the success of science, the failings aged will fix this problem. More of science policy and his proposed novel products of research will drive success” while science and technology are solutions. economic growth and safeguard the basis of civilisation, they are Historically, researchers gener- growth, and technology advanced humanity. worthy job of highlighting these taken for granted – the source of the ally worked alone or in very small rapidly during this time. However, Braben has a powerful example of issues, and how they have arisen, advances that have transformed our groups, and were self-directed. subsequently, science became a vic- his ideas in action, in BP’s Venture but the solutions he suggests are world is rarely considered. Now this At the turn of the 20th century, tim of its own success. Research Unit, of which he was not the only ones. There is undeni- source – truly innovative research – this began to change, industrial- The number of working scientists founder and chairman. During the ably a situation to be dealt with, is threatened by widespread obses- ists grouped together researchers increased greatly, and this pre- 1980s, the oil giant ploughed mil- but many possible interpretations sions with safety, control and pre- to create new opportunities, and sented the authorities with the twin lions of pounds into this initiative. and solutions. Braben’s reasoning dictability. “Humanity has reached governments soon also developed problems of which research to fund, The intention was to identify sci- and his Venture Research Initiative a crucial point in its development.” research infrastructures to sustain and how to fund it. Braben pins the entists with the sort of innovative illustrates a possible route, but oth- Despite the early promise of the their industrial societies. cause of the crisis facing research ideas that would not usually get ers surely exist. introduction, the opening chapters The result was sustained suc- and humanity on the policies used funded. The usual lengthy goal- This book is a stimulating read. are sadly rather awkward. Braben cess – industrial development and to allocate funding in an ever more motivated, peer-reviewed proposals Hopefully it will kindle wider dis- takes too long developing his defini- economic growth continued apace. crowded profession. Governments were scrapped. The novelty of the cussion of the way that research is tion of ‘dissent’, the tendency to find Economists dub the period covering and industry alike have sought to science was paramount and face-to- managed and how more of those the status quo unbearable and hope the fifties, sixties and early seven- maximise the effectiveness of their face discussion with applicants was elusive golden eggs can be found to for and plan future improvements. ties as ‘the golden age’ of economic resources, allocating on the basis of used. Despite successful and unim- the gain of humanity. Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 23

[email protected] Film Film listings: see The best of 2004 What’s On, page 15 Alan Ng, Film Editor, presents his top five films of the year

1. Spiderman 2 a realization that being Spiderman adult themes as responsibility and 2. The Last Samurai Japanese past; its production design, is a burden that Peter Parker is not sacrifice. sets and costumes were astonish- Few sequels surpass their predeces- entirely willing to bear. The movie When it did come round to the It was an absolute travesty that this ing. The battle scenes were stirring sor. Spiderman 2 went past and demonstrates what’s wrong with a fight scenes, they were superb. Doc movie didn’t win any Oscars. Cruise and elegantly mounted. They were well beyond anything Spiderman lot of other superhero epics: they Ock’s arms looked brilliant, with the should have got recognition for his less about who wins and more about accomplished. focus on the superpowers, and short- change from puppetry to CGI unno- best performance to date. Instead of what could be proven by dying. Spiderman 2 was what a superhe- change the humans behind them. ticeable. the usual showman, he was a more Beautifully designed, intelligently ro movie should be. It wasn’t camp, Some might say that the movie It could have been such a one- pensive character with a lot of inner written, acted with conviction, this nostalgic, it wasn’t wall-to-wall spe- was far too slow, but that’s what I dimensional blockbuster. Instead it torment. was an uncommonly thoughtful cial effects and it wasn’t pickled in was so impressed with – how intelli- chose to be far more intelligent, and The movie wonderfully recreated epic. Much more than just an action angst. It was simply and poignantly gently Spiderman 2 dealt with such left me wanting more. the patterns and textures of the flick.

3. Bad Santa on the job, he’s bonking customers 4. Infernal Affairs 5. Saw in the Plus Sizes dressing room, and Bad Santa was a demented, twisted, whether the children throw up on The movie that inspired me to write The best horror movie I ‘Saw’ this unreasonably funny work of comic Santa or he throws up on them is a about movies – I just had to try year. The final twist was so large kamikaze style. toss-up, no pun intended. to convince as many as possible and unforeseeable that I never saw Santa is a depressed, alcoholic This movie will offend your moth- to watch this. It was, and might it coming. The twists were aston- safecracker. The kid is not one of er’s virtue, with so many four letter still be, the best movie to come out ishing and the pain was palpable. your cute movie kids, but an intense words. It’s quite possible the most of Hong Kong. It combined exhila- The premise was fantastic and origi- and needy stalker. The elf is an politically incorrect movie I’ve seen rating action with liquid nitrogen nal. The execution was slightly less angry dwarf who has been working in a long time. existential cool, gleaming and shim- than breathtaking though; the two with Santa for eight years, cracking Whilst it was never going to win mering with the city of Hong Kong’s lead actors were slightly erratic. the safe in a different department any Oscars, or smash any records glass and steel. The plot twisted and This was made up for by the great store every Christmas. at the box office, this was sicken- turned, rivalling the best of thrillers camera work and ambience though, The elf is fed up. Santa gets drunk ingly funny. out there. Infernal Affairs was a really providing a claustrophobic gripping thriller with grandstanding feel. The costume of the villain is drama, muscle-clenching suspense genuinely nerve wracking. It made and two great action leads in Tony the hairs on my back stand to atten- Leung and Andy Lau. tion, and did such a good job of scar- ing me that I’m not even sure I want to buy the DVD. YOUR VIEWS Do you think this list is absolute trash? Were there glaring omissions? Or massive misjudgments? Tell us what you think Comments to film.felix@ic. ac.uk. Your views next issue Felix 24 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

FILM [email protected] Not as ‘kranky’ as it sounds ‘Tis the season to be jolly, so here come the usual festive treats. After the bomb of Surviving Christmas, Hollywood is looking to redeem itself

Christmas with the Kranks local police force, the local priest, I mean everyone) to hear that things Director: Joe Roth would be different this year. Starring: Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, That was courtesy of Blair decid- Dan Aykroyd ing she would spend the festive Length: 98 minutes season with her friends at school, Certificate: PG rather than with the folks. Quick HHHII thinking Luther decides it’s time to live a little (away from the cold) Yes guys, it’s the time of year when by taking his wife on a Caribbean we need to be jolly, forget all our cruise during the Christmas period troubles, and brave the clustered instead of slaving away preparing streets of central London to get our for the usual party. shopping done. It’s also the time The implications: no tree, no when those Hollywood moguls capi- gifts, no Mr Snowman, but plenty talise on the season by drowning us of angry neighbours doing all in all with the usual dose of Christmas their power to make the Kranks feel films – some ultimate turkeys and bad. Luther decides to fight back, others worthy smash hits. Will direc- until Blair does a U-turn at the last tor Joe Roth’s latest offering pass minute and decides to come home the test? Possibly. The unofficial king of Christmas “This film will blockbusters is back. No, I don’t mean the overweight dude in the certainly not be red suit (though he does make a small role in the film), I mean Tim shaking the seats of Allen. With Christmas blockbust- ers like The Santa Claus under his the Oscar bosses” belt, the former Home Improvement actor appears alongside an impres- for Christmas. Now what on earth could go wrong now? sive all-star line up in this feel-good Mum and Dad’s holiday plans are comedy. bust. With only 12 hours left before film will certainly not be shaking Former Ghostbusters actor Dan is: botox, Tim Allen, serious fake Allen stars as Luther Krank, a Blair arrives, they must quickly plan the seats of the Oscar bosses. So if Ackroyd does well in portraying the tan, Hickory Ham and a frozen cat. goofy family man living in a subur- their usual Christmas. you are looking for a film that will ringleader of the angry neighbours There is also some candy guy in the ban neighbourhood with his wife This film is typical of Hollywood’s have you gripped from beginning to doing their best to stir things up, shape of Blair’s Latino boyfriend, Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) and teen- fantasy Christmas offerings – the a month after the end, don’t bother cracking the usual jokes that have Enrique. age daughter Blair (Julie Gonzalo). background Christmas music, the with this one. made him the actor we all know All in all, this is a feel-good comedy The Kranks are famous among their carol singing neighbours and the I feel the only element that car- and love. that should lift your mood. Ideally neighbourhood for marking the fes- snow, to name just a few things. ries this film is the all-star line up. However, I won’t write off this film it’s a good film for your younger tive season by throwing their usual The plot does not appear to be very Tim Allen is an impressive actor entirely. There are a number of clas- siblings, but it’s not worth getting parties, so imagine how mortifying it practical in everyday life. It’s very and the on-screen chemistry with sic moments to savour. I won’t spoil “cranked” up about if you miss it. was to the entire neighbourhood (the lightweight and predictable. This Jamie Lee Curtis is undeniable. it all for you too much. All I’ll say Gbemisola Ayininuola History... Hollywood style. No change there then

The Merchant of Venice The acting can’t be faulted; howev- er, neither can it be praised – a bit of Director: Michael Radford a non-event, really – but Al Pacino’s Starring: Lynn Collins, Jeremy Irons, melancholy presence makes up for Al Pacino, Joseph Fiennes this and he dominates the film even Length: 132 minutes after his exit. His portrayal of the Certificate: PG moneylender is a sensitive one; he HHIII is both victim and villain. One of the best scenes is his rendition of the Shakespeare isn’t something you’d iconic “If you prick us, do we not expect to be made into a film these days – too many long words I guess “A film that lacks – but miraculously this one was green lighted for production. any visual style or On paper, this seems an interest- ing film, with Al Pacino and Jeremy personality that you Irons delivering amazing perform- ances, and some familiar faces in may have expected Mackenzie Crook (The Office) and Kris Marshall (My Family). All this after seeing Romeo not forgetting it was written by one of history’s greatest playwrights. and Juliet” “Please don’t ‘prick’ me again” Al Pacino plays Shylock, a Venetian Jew who lends money to Antonio bleed?” speech, which is guaranteed However, what you’re given is some- This film may conjure unhappy sibly to satisfy a wider and presum- (Irons). Bear with me here – Antonio to make you sit up and pay attention thing that is quite oppressive and memories of GCSE English for ably brainless audience, or to avoid isn’t actually borrowing money for in an otherwise slow paced, dull film. ugly to look at. It looked as if it were some, although it would fill in the controversy. himself but for his friend (although Irons does well in portraying the a substandard B-grade TV movie parts you fell asleep through. What The end result? A film that lacks he’d like him to be a bit more than homoerotic undertones in Antonio rather than something for the big was particularly annoying was any visual style or personality that that) Bassanio. Bassanio wants to and Bassanio’s relationship... but screen. Perhaps the use of the dark Radford’s repeated failure to make you may have expected after seeing sail to Belmont to try to woo Portia. sadly that’s all I can think of to sell and dank canals was a metaphor for use of the play as an analogy for Romeo and Juliet. It’s long – way too Bitter at Antonio’s insults, Shylock the film to you. the play’s blurred moral world. All world events today which so easily long – and goes torturously slowly. stipulates very specific terms if a Radford could have done much I can say is that nothing stood out. could have been done – one of the Do not go to see this film if you want default on the loan occurs. The loan more with the direction, but the Maybe that’s why I found myself fall- main themes is revenge and oppres- something easy on the mind, as you falls due and Shylock claims his scenes were poorly shot and loosely ing asleep during the film. Might I sion. After all, Shylock’s main moti- will need to pay a lot of attention to forfeit: a pound of Antonio’s flesh. linked to each other – it just didn’t add that this has never happened to vation for terrorising Antonio is the understand it. Although Al Pacino’s Nice. To aggravate the situation, gel. The film had the potential to be me before – I desperately wanted to appalling treatment he suffered as performance is great, I’d advise you Shylock’s daughter elopes with her visually spectacular with Radford like The Merchant of Venice, having a Jew. Radford could have empha- all to wait until it’s released on DVD lover and a sizable chunk of her sticking to the 16th century theme loved reading it in school, but just sized this, but instead he focuses on – you won’t be missing out on much. father’s wealth. and shooting in Venetian locations. couldn’t. the romantic aspect of the play, pos- Haj Alttahir Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 25

FILM [email protected] History... Hollywood Style. No change there then

Churchill: The Hollywood Show, for instance, which registers Years at around 0.6). But when measur- ing the laughs per joke ratio for Director: Peter Richardson Churchill: The Hollywood Years, I Starring: Neve Campbell, Christian found it to be closer to around 0.13 Slater, Harry Enfield – which is ridiculously low, especial- Length: 85 minutes ly for a feature length film. On this Certificate: 15 ‘scientific’ basis alone, the movie HHIII was a dismal failure. But forgetting the scientific meth- Harry Enfield, Vic Reeves, Bob Mortimer, Sally Philips, Rik Mayall, Ronni Ancona, Phil Cornwell, David “I have decided to Schneider and Mackenzie Crook. call upon scientific The cream of British comedy join Hollywood’s Christian Slater and method to deduce Neve Campbell to rewrite the histo- ry books for our dubious entertain- exactly how funny ment in Churchill: The Hollywood Years. this movie was” For the first time in the history of film reviewing, I have decided to call od for a moment, what could I say upon scientific method to deduce about a movie whose premise is exactly how funny this movie was. that the Winston Churchill we know In order to do this, I’m introducing and respect was actually an after- a new measure of ‘funniness’ that dinner speaker and character actor is simply measured by ‘laughs per called Roy Bubbles? What could I joke’. say about a movie that has a joke Now, the director Peter Richardson about Hitler driving a car straight Britain’s finest hour becomes Hollywood’s greatest story. Great is famous for writing the late-night into a wall? What could I say about TV comedy Stella Street – which a movie that tries to take one of the The Hollywood Years there are light entertainment thanks to the the first five minutes that this is not is an extremely ‘hit-and-miss’ pro- grimmest periods of modern history genuinely a few decent laughs to comedic talents of Harry Enfield, going to be a conventional experi- gramme whose laughs per joke and turn it into a comedic farce? be had. Although it is not in the Phil Cornwell (Dave Clifton from ence – once you have accepted that ratio usually registers at around You could say ‘congratulations’ same league as the sickeningly I’m Alan Partridge) and Vic Reeves, and somewhat changed your expec- 0.2 (about a fifth of the jokes are because despite being a patched-up, hilarious Bad Santa (which meas- who embellish the film with a few tations, then the rest is plain sailing funny). This is pretty bad going for nonsensical sequence of tenuously ures at around 0.75 laughs per joke), memorable scenes. and rather enjoyable. a TV show (compared to The Fast connected sketches, in Churchill: it will provide a decent evening’s So once you’ve realised after Darius Nikbin Memento Competition December 2004. With an abundance of never- before-seen DVD special features, Memento 3 Disc Special Edition is an utterly original mix of intri- cacy and flashback montages. Writer and director Christopher Nolan (Insomnia) has masterfully intertwined a complex yet enthral- ling story, revealed in an ingen- ious reverse narrative, to ensure that along with some exclusive extras, the Memento 3 Disc Special Edition will be remembered as the definitive edition of this cult classic and one of the most important DVD releases of the year. To win one of the copies, tell me: Who was Nolan’s first choice as Leonard? a) Guy Pearce There are three copies of Memento b) James Caviezel 3 Disc Special Edition to be won c) Alec Baldwin this week, courtesy of www.fox. Email your answer to film. co.uk. [email protected]. Usual Felix compe- Memento 3 Disc Special Edition tition rules apply. is available to buy on DVD from Alan Ng Pathe Distribution Ltd on 27 Film Editor

Visit www.myvue.com/student for OUT NEXT WEEK more details. Vue Fulham Broadway are giving Out on Friday 17 December at Vue you the opportunity to win posters Fulham Broadway: for these new releases. Just answer this question: Who plays Ella? ● Lemony Snicket’s ‘A a) Katie Holmes b) Anne Hathaway Series of Unfortunate c) Lindsay Lohan

Events’ Email your answers and which mer- chandise you would like to win to ● Ella Enchanted [email protected]. Usual Felix competition rules apply. Felix 26 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Games [email protected] Limitless... potential The new Games sectio n launches with the return of Black Mesa’s finest have already played through City war. You soon find out that everyone Half Life 2 17 will know that Valve have taken has heard of your name, and you Valve Software no chances with piracy, infuriating are now revered by your allies and Published by VU Games some users by forcing them to wait feared by your enemies. But that Certificate: 15 several hours before the game could doesn’t stop them from trying to HHHHH be authenticated by Steam, Valve’s kill you! And so the carnage begins. own built-in software. This Windows Whereas there has been a growth Imagine the scene. Agitated figures XP style system is seen by some as in role-playing shooters like Deus scurry around aimlessly through a shift to the future in games like Ex in the time since Nihilanth was an intricate maze of Victorian and HL2’s DVD-only retail release, forc- defeated, Half Life 2 encourages a Brutalist architecture. Meanwhile, ing those who hadn’t to go out and less stealthy approach than its pred- a meek middle-aged suit with a buy DVD drives. ecessor, and instead we are now big interest in biotechnology peers confronted by horde upon horde of down from the top of an anachro- zombies, cyborgs, ant-lions and fly- nistic monolith provided by a set of “Horde upon horde ing buzz-saws! mysterious benefactors. And down of zombies, cyborgs, Just as this epic is building on below a group of renegade physi- years of gaming greatness, it plays cists are plotting their next strike ant lions...” like a truly interactive movie through It’s time to run for your life. STRIIIIIIIIIIDER!!! against the system. Sound famil- fantastic backdrops. It takes you iar? It will do, once you’ve played So, to those who haven’t bought from the sordid ghettos and canal fun that can be had with this tool is cated environment as they have through the long-awaited awaited Half Life 2, a word of advice. Do. The chases of City 17, to zombie flicks limited only by your imagination, as strived to uphold the players’ right sequel to 1998’s game of the year! original game came out at a time in Ravenholm, to post-apocalyptic it lets you pick up and launch large to have fun. In effect, the game’s Yes, Half Life 2 has finally become when people were bitching between thrillers and creature features along objects around the place, thanks to adherence to primitive narration a reality, after last year’s great con- Quake II and Unreal. It managed to highway 17, to Normandy beaches the otherwise ultra-realistic phys- and a rich narrative create all the troversy surrounding the leak of blow away both of them, and even and prison dramas in Nova Prospekt, ics courtesy of the Havok engine. suspense that is needed to drag files by a German hacker. though the actual multiplayer com- back to urban warfare and finally The other weapons in your stand- the player through the game and to Exactly six years ago, the world ponent was largely forgotten, the into the evil citadel itself, where it’s ard arsenal haven’t changed greatly the conclusion that HL3 is all but a woke up to the sound of a crowbar support that Valve gave to budding as if the Borg assimilated the Earth from the first game, although they formality. meeting flesh, and now ex-Microsoft developers helped produce mods of 2199 with the Death Star! are better than ever. As a final note, Half Life 2 is avail- employees Valve Software, or like Counterstrike, which arguably People who want an intellectu- able either in the shops or through to be precise, the strange entity became more famous than Half Life “It’s as if the Borg al challenge will be disappointed Steam as several different pack- known widely as the G-man, has itself. Furthermore, Half Life was as HL2 pays homage to the glory ages. Counterstrike Source, ren- brought Gordon Freeman back to revolutionary in its scope and Marc assimilated the Earth days of arcade gaming, delivering dered as HL2, comes as standard a leaner, meaner world. Those who Laidlaw’s B-movie plot certainly extremely addictive gameplay in whilst Half Life Source, the original makes it all the more memorable of 2199 with the gorgeous realism that requires the game re-mastered plus a whole load now, which is why the makers have intelligence of a Headcrab rather of extra bumf, is available for extra expanded Dr Freeman’s journey Death Star!” than the PhD that Gordon never has through Steam. An X-Box release into a whole universe... or two! a chance to put to use. The game’s is planned for next spring, giving The game begins as the first one With all this evil trying to put an linearity allows for some beautifully the game a wider audience through ended, on a train. But this is a very end to Gordon again, it’s refreshing choreographed set-pieces while the console market, although the different kettle of fish to the Black that there is now an array of friendly never disembodying the player from PC version has been on monitor Mesa research facility. City 17 is characters there to help you along, the ever-mute Free-Man. screens since November 16 and will a fictional eastern European city, including the crazy Father Grigory, The makers have remembered probably be so in various forms for under the control of a mysterious who bestows you with the Zero- that game-play shouldn’t be blinded a long time to come! force called the Combine that has point energy device, also known as by shiny graphics or drowned by Alex McKitrick ruled earth since the seven hour the manipulator or gravity-gun. The immersion into an overly compli- Games Editor Teams, players, egos... the entire game on your PC

of your choice of over 5000 teams the media of your opinions on other Football Manager 2005 from over 50 countries. There are no managers and teams, thus starting Sports Interactive fancy graphics, just more statistics mind games à la Sir Alex Ferguson. HHHHH than a John Motson wet dream. As Whilst being an innovative addi- a result, anyone who reckons they tion to the game, it also throws Having played every version of the could do better than José Mourinho up some oddities – my housemates popular PC game Championship (at winning, not being a smug bas- and I were amused to read the lit- Manager, I was weary when the fol- tard) will become instantly addicted, any of homoerotic correspondence low-up to last year’s primary cause ruining relationships and careers between Beadle and Birmingham of missed lectures and near exam and, quite possibly, threatening glo- failure was announced. bal security. With a new name, Football Having only a week to review the “My usual routine Manager 2005, the series formerly game (including lectures) and fan- known as Championship Manager cying more fun than losing every was to eschew food was to be avoided at all costs. Yet week as manager of Wycombe and sunlight in after receiving a review copy of the Wanderers, I plumped for the choice game, I relented. And since then, of controlling Chelsea. As my man- favour of sitting in I haven’t stopped. Or gone to lec- agerial alter-ego Jeremy Beadle tures. worked his way through a season front of the computer of Premiership football, I slipped further and further into the depths for hours on end...” “More statistics than of addiction. My usual routine was to It doesn’t look like much, but it’s what footie geeks always dreamed of a John Motson wet eschew food and sunlight in favour City manager Steve Bruce, each tak- of sitting in front of the computer for ing turns to compliment the other in this series, and anyone with a love With quicker loading times and dream” hours on end. Whilst my team were what seemed to be a blossoming of football, the lure of taking over extra detail, FM 2005 is certainly busy eking out poor results and I relationship. one of the many teams from the another giant leap in the evolution For those of you with lives, igno- was becoming less popular with the For non-football lovers, FM 2005 colossal database is too attractive. of the series. But for God’s sake, if rant of this plague on the country’s fans, I contented myself with finding probably represents the nadir of As is the prospect of unearthing you want to come out of university menfolk, FM 2005 is surprisingly humour in the game’s little quirks. gaming pleasure, an endless display such gems as my personal favourite, with a degree, steer well clear of enough a football management sim- For instance, using the new media of useless statistics across a muted, the spectacularly-named TJ Mclory- this game... ulation, allowing you to take control interaction feature, you can inform Spartan background. But for fans of Cuthbertson. Tim Hoult Start before you finish.

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JPMorgan is a marketing name of JPMorgan Chase & Co. and its subsidiaries worldwide. ©2004 JPMorgan Chase & Co. All rights reserved. JPMorgan is an equal opportunities employer. Felix 28 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004 Coffee Break It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid... because Coffee Break is here! We’re making the yuletide gay with our special festive edition, the last of the year. Lots and lots of points this week, so send your answers to [email protected] FUCWIT Answers: Super-Mega-Ultimate Xmas Lyric Quiz Issue 1307

We begin our special festive Coffee Break with the 1. Oh the weather outside is frightful Cryptic Corner 1 Super-Mega-Ultimate Xmas Lyric Quiz, or to be 2. The kids start singing and the band begins to play Fritillary: B - A type of lily catchy, SMUXLQ. We’ve took key lines from 31 of the 3. A face on a lover with a fire in his heart, A man 2 Kaki: C - A parrot best Christmas songs around. Some are pop songs, undercover but you tore me apart 3 Denigration: C - A defamation some are carols; some are worth listening to, others 4. He said, “Let’s run and have some fun, before I melt are turgid crap. There’s a point for each song title that away”. 4 International Beats you correctly guess. And if you just Google them, we’ll 5 Eminem - The Real Slim Shady know. 5. All is calm, all is bright Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A 6. Toys in every store 6 River 7. From now on your troubles will be out of sight 7 Modjo - Lady Good year / bad year 8. Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out 9. Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight? 8 The Libertines - Don’t Look Back It’s not just Christmas at this time of year – there 9 Into The Sun are plenty of other festivals and traditions going on, 10. Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? The Beatles - Norwegian Wood the most important of which is New Year, a chance 11. It’ll be cold, so cold, without you to hold 10 Radiohead - No Surprises to reflect on the past year’s achievements and get 12. Where tree-tops glisten, and children listen 11 Robbie Williams - She’s The One wankered. However, some people shall be celebrat- 13. They’ve got cars big as bars, they’ve got rivers of ing, and others will be drowning their sorrows. So a gold 12 Cryptograms little quiz is in order. Two points for each answer. 13 1. Downright Stupid 14. Well, you better watch out, you better not cry 2. Go up in Smoke Good Year 15. Should all acquaintance be forgot 14 3. Man overboard 1. Abi Titmuss has made a fortune this year, but what 16. The stars in the bright sky 16 4. Look both ways before you cross was she working as last year? 17. Par-rum-pa-pum-pum the street a. A nurse 18. Ding dong verily the sky 17 5. Nothing good on TV b. A weathergirl 18 6. Three blind mice c. A porn star 19. Oh, what a laugh it would have been, If Daddy had 7. Safety in numbers 2. George Bush won the election, good for him. He only seen 19 8. Next to nothing used to be a very bad boy. Where did he allegedly do 20. Logs on the fire and gifts on the tree 20 9. What goes up must come down coke that he really shouldn’t have? 21. The mood is right, the spirit’s up 10. Robin Hood 21 a. The desk of the Oval Office 22. Snow is falling, all around me 11. H2O b. Camp David 22 12. Unfinished symphony c. On duty in ‘nam 23. An outer space convertible too, light blue 23 Bad Year 24. ‘Tis the season to be jolly 3. Michael Jackson had an awful year, and could be 25. Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in ring-ting-tin- 24 FUCWIT LEAGUE going to prison soon for ages. But what was the name gle-in too 25 2004-5 of his monkey? 26. Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring a. Monkey 27. Well tonight thank god it’s them instead of you 26 Management Slackers 127 points b. Bubbles 27 c. Francis 28. Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open Smith & Wesson 113 points 4. David Beckham was a very naughty boy with his sleigh 28 mucky texts. But what farm animal did his (alleged) 29. Good tidings we bring, to you and your king 29 The Illegitimate Bionic Progeny of mistress wank off? 30. Hark now hear the angels sing, a king was born Jeremy Beadle 69 points a. A horse today 30 b. A cow 31. War is over if you want it 31 Team Bulwer 42 points c. A pig Araldite Sniffers 34 points ‘Fitty’ of the week Team Willy J 34 points Team Robin 31 points I would like to introduce a new sec- tion to Coffee Break, ‘fitty of the The B Team 22 points week’, so here is our first bit of totty. See you next time 16 points I’m sure you have all noticed him walking around the College. Who KPN2 11 points could miss those baby blue eyes, and newly bleached blonde hair. Yes Natasha Kundi 10 points eveyone, this weeks hotty is Michael Higns. Now there are no points in Send in your entries to this section I’m afraid, it’s for pure [email protected] enjoyment only, and I just want to add: don’t be angry bread. I would like to dedicate a bit of time to talking about Michael so you can Merry all see what an amazing person he is and why I have chosen him for fitty Christmas of the week. Michael enjoys horse riding, but above all his favourite and a Happy hobby is computer games, which he usually plays until the early morn- ing. He’s also a member of the TA, New Year so we are expecting a bit of a fit body under that jumper! He’s a second from the year physics undergraduate, and his favourite club is Breakin’ Bread. If Coffee Break we have any takers, email coffee. [email protected] and I’m sure we can team! sort you out with a date. Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 29

COFFEE BREAK [email protected]

Felix Giant Crossword 1309 by Snufkin

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Across 1. Copper slept with ready child models using this (4–5) 8 8 6. Does my pun upset “Snufkin”? (9) 11. 22across’s pop star concerned with silence (6,2,5) 11 12 12. Redgrave’s limitless scoring (5) Here’s a festive treat for you: not 13. A possible result of collapsing regimes (7) quite a jumbo puzzle, but perhaps 8 8 14. Ogre shadowed wizard and elf, initially, for Plant fam- a bumper one. The unclued entry ily (11) at 22 across is thematic, but don’t 13 14 15. Idaho city’s dreadful local poet (9) be scared – there’s not much of a 17. Ten-strong council bust crime dive (9) theme, and it’s pretty obvious. 4 8 8 18. Troublesome children go astray in hills (7) down is obscure, but can be easily 19. Not missing any of the athletics, whatever happens verified online. 15 16 17 (2,3,6) A final note about clue types, to 22. Unclued – see preamble (5,6) wrap up the present series of col- 8 8 24. Hop over crumpled cone in farmyard building (3–4) umns. Some clues, known as ‘&Lits’ 26. Spooner’s sodomizing deer for seasonal treat (3,6) (‘and literally so’), are so ingenious 29. Mother, or mother’s father (9) that their cryptic wordplay doubles 18 19 20 21 30. Susannah swimming around that French river (11) up as the definition. These are dif- 31. Egyptian king taking reasonable line, according to ficult to think up and hence rare, but 8 8 8 reports (7) perhaps the most satisfying of all. 33. Caterpillar perhaps hiding in cellar vault (5) You’ll find one here at 13 across. 22 23 24 25 34. Dogs hit riser twice, strangely (5,8) That’s all folks – see you next 35. It’s all downhill from here! (2,7) term! Snufkin 8 8 36. Unimaginative doctor developing measles (9)

26 27 28 29 Down Last week’s winner is Oliver 1. Cheer up important salesman with tableware (6-3) Butters, Physics IV. Well done! 8 8 8 2. Excuse a politician’s ego (5) Send your answers to coffee.felix@ic. 3. Festive ornaments and speeches at end of December ac.uk or bring this page down to the Felix 30 31 32 (11) office in the West Wing of Beit Quad. 4. Spurious Latin coined for shrew-mole genus (9) 26 8 8 5. Bloated creatures in cool rivers by army road (11) Everyone who provides us with a correct 6. At first, private dancer minced and strutted (7) solution will get an entry into our prize 33 34 7. Melancholy, as Gray was in a country churchyard? draw at the end of the year (9) 26 8 8 8. Speak out about French allegation (7) 9. Pine for the fjords? (9,4) Issue 1308 solution 35 36 10. Cockney eyes Santa’s presents (5,4) A G A T H A C H R I S T I E S 16. 9down, perhaps, put up before 22across’s birthday B O P E I A H T E E H C N E T (9,4) R E P O S S E S S E A B A S H 20. Nervous author initially dropped page with scribbled A T A P T B S A E K K E N S O signature (11) H O L D O U T T R E A L I S M 21. One may display membership in set-theoretical cir- A E A E R E G E V E S S M N A cles with this (4,7) M A G N I F I C O I M E A N S 22. Where 22across’s feet did walk in ancient time (9) S T R A A I N I S E B T R E S H E E N U D I R T C H E A P 23. Catch a lift? (5–4) T A A E U T E D E M H E R L Y 24. Helmet woven from cheap eider, mostly (9) O P T I M A L G F L A T T E N 25. Aggressive sibling’s mental illness (9) K O D C O R I E O T N F E A C 27. Student union missing deadline? Moan! (7) E M A I L I B I L L I O N T H 28. Grow uncontrollably in tangled rot and ruin (3,4) R R N N A E L T K N S I O L O 32. Mountain ridge visible through Poincar é telescope (5) G G E O R G E S S I M E N O N Felix 30 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

SPORT [email protected] UCL no match for Wye Seconds first

RUGBY had the ball, while the flair out of his commentary seat The Wye girls did them- and sheer speed of the backs with pure amazement! Liking selves proud. Rugby is a Wye Women’s 1st 78 gave the crowd some exhila- the netball moves, Hetty was team game, so without the at last in ULU UCL Women’s 1st 5 rating runs. deservedly given player of 100% effort displayed by Em scored two amaz- the match for her fantastic all, the fantastic score of FOOTBALL and Geike solid at the back By Suzanne Horn ing tries, managing to run five tries, her solid rucking 78-5 could not have been and Kimmo steamrolling his around all of the opposition, performance and simply raw achieved. Kate, Kayleigh and Imperial Men’s 2nd 4 way down the wing. After Wye weren’t lying about their obliterating the UCL defence. aggression. Alice braved the opposition SOAS Men’s 1st 1 ten minutes we finally broke winning streak. With a con- Winger Kipling also added The scrum was viciously and the cold to participate in through, Greedy weaving his vincing win over UCL, who some points to the score, contested at every chance by their first match of the sea- By Chris Jermyn way past their entire team to would have thought that Wye with her storming runs from both teams. But the Wye pack son. Well done girls. There slot the ball past the funboy had just gone a month with- set plays. Her talking on the lead by hooker Cat was awe- were almost too many tries On a crisp Saturday morn- ‘keeper. The goal settled our out a match? The team were pitch was excellent. Gobby’s some, turning the ball over to count. Let’s hope this will ing, Team Bouncebackability nerves and apart from a few on fire and ready to throw kicking was superb, convert- in the scrum on many occa- be the case in a week’s time made their way to Fortress smart saves from Von Orford themselves at any opposi- ing over half of all tries. sions through brute force. against the Virgins. Cobham to take on the School there was only going to be tion. However this isn’t to say Pike’s tackling and mauling Thanks go to our coach, of Oriental and African one outcome. The massive score shows our forwards weren’t excit- was on top form throughout the refereee, the two touch Studies. After more pressure, our complete dominance ing. Our sweaty Hetty man- the entire match. Lineouts judges, all our supporters and It was clear from the off Greedy bagged his second, in this game. The amazing aged to score a flurry of tries, were also strong with excel- of course our two cheerlead- who the better side was, the a Bergkamp-esque flick from rucking skills of our forwards all of which would have led lent jumping by Spaz and ers/water boys. Let’s keep up Seconds passing the ball Jermyn putting him through made sure we nearly always to Jeremy Guscott leaping Zena. the winning streak. around well with Has and to finish coolly. Some neat Easter dominating the mid- interplay around the box then dle and Leigh and DAL flying allowed Garro to turn on a down the wings. Still, in true sixpence and finish in the bot- Second team tradition, SOAS tom corner. scored first, Geike imperson- With five minutes to go, a ating a dying penguin by fall- long ball from goalkeeper ing over at the back to allow Orford and an uncanny Geike their centre forward to walk impersonation from SOAS’ through and score. The goal Hobbit centre back allowed didn’t faze us though as it was Jermyn to walk through their clearly only a matter of time defence and roll the ball into before our dominance paid the empty net. off, although for all of our pos- The Seconds can look for- session the score remained ward to a spring term with 1-0 at half time. confidence to ensure a third The second half started as season in the ULU premier the first half ended, with Will league. Vets get lucky... again

FOOTBALL keeper role. Chances how- ever were at a premium, and RVC Men’s 1st 1 even when shooting opportu- Imperial Men’s 4th 0 nities did present themselves both sides were strangely By Michael Nicholson reluctant to let fly. The only real moment of interest came The intrepid Fourths made when the Mullet got away the trek to deepest darkest from Shinguards after what Hertfordshire to face RVC, looked like a blatant push who had emerged from for- and found himself through on tress Harlington with an ill- goal. However, the veteran deserved draw in the previ- centre half showed speed to ous meeting between the two recover and get the ball away sides. with a well-timed challenge. Due to the total idiocy of the The second half provided RVC captain, the majority of a lot more in terms of goal- the Fourths went to the wrong scoring opportunities; unfor- ground, meaning that at kick- tunately they all fell to the off the sun was already begin- Vets. The Mullet twice man- ning to set. The only option aged to produce decent shots was to play a shortened game from tight angles, and Vanni of thirty minutes each way. managed to make a couple of It was an unfamiliar side outstanding stops. that took to the darkened The game was destined to pitch, with illness, injury, finish nil-nil until the very last and random trips to Bury moment, when the Vets got (Aldridge-Carlos) taking their the break of the ball in mid- toll. New signing JJ contin- field allowing their winger to ued at right back with Toony escape down the right. His moving across to the centre cross was met by the Mullet to partner Shinguards. The whose shot deflected off surprise choice at left back Toony right into the path of was Jai, whose place up front their onrushing midfielder, was taken by another new who had no problem finishing boy, Danny. into the corner. The lack of a warm-up led It was a sickening blow, to a horrifically scrappy first worsened by the referee’s half with neither team get- whistle before Imperial could ting into their stride. The even kick off again. I could go makeshift defence was cop- on a rant about how unfair all ing admirably, and Vanni was this was, but I won’t. We’ll just performing well in a sweeper/ win the Cup instead. Felix Thursday 9 December 2004 www.felixonline.co.uk 31

SPORT [email protected] Rugby Firsts overcome GKT and King’s

RUGBY duly converted and it was 7-0 left GKT with some good RUGBY penalty shortly after. Imperial Eventually incessant pres- to Imperial. possession on our 22. This then began to dominate, sure paid off, and following a Sponsored by Shortly after, Raph broke spurred them into action and King’s Men’s 1st 15 urged on from the touch line superb catch and drive line- through again and with great after some desperate defend- Imperial Men’s 1st 33 by afflicted captain Michael out and good work from débu- support from Andy Jasudasen, ing they crossed our line to Hicks and his subordinate tante Nathan, James Pedder faced a two on one with the make it 21-5. By David Jackson Achi. Some good work from glided in for Imperial’s fourth full back! Unfortunately Raph Worse was to come, when Jon Spencer offered Gabriel try. went himself, missing the they crossed again and with Imperial Men’s First XV were the invitation to finish in the Imperial’s defence was opportunity for another score the conversion made it 21-12 ill-prepared to face King’s, corner, which he took with then tested as Kings rallied and earning himself a dirty after forty minutes. with a plethora of new faces aplomb. for a late surge. Imperial prop pint after the match. The second half was now all in the line-up. King’s were shaken but not David Jackson was harshly Imperial Men’s 1st 21 Luckily, our attack kept pil- to play for as both sides had The pre-match warm up stirred, and subsequently sin-binned. The writer of this GKT Men’s 1st 12 ing on the pressure and it showed some great form dur- was shorter than a dwarf tying added a breakaway try of their report has it on good author- wasn’t long before Pedder ing patches of the first 40. As his shoelaces, however this own. Imperial increased their ity that he was incredibly By Michael Hicks touched down for Imperial’s expected, the game was now did not phase the Imperial lead however when Mark unlucky. second try, and converting to much more even and despite team by even a radian. Wills thundered over the line King’s made there numbers After a stunning display beat- make it 14-0 with only 15 min- best efforts, neither team put Quick rucking from a strong with King’s defenders clutch- advantage pay and converted ing Chichester 39-14 last utes gone. any more points on the board, but mobile Imperial pack ing at his garments. The half an overlap in the corner, week, Imperial Firsts faced a The score was then making the final score 21-12 allowed their backs to part time score was Imperial 21, much to the delight of their strong side in GKT. increased again when Achi to Imperial. the King’s defence in a King’s 10. rowdy supporters. Imperial Before the match, spirits went over for what was sur- Notable performances ‘Moses-esque’ fashion. Some The second half proved answered with a fifth and final were high and despite sev- prisingly his first try of the came from Jovan Nedic on slinky footwork from Imperial much the same as the first; try minutes after the restart, eral regular faces missing, year. Pedder was on form his first team debut and number seven Raphael fol- Imperial knocking at the when a cleverly worked blind the team was looking sharp. with his boot and it was 21-0 John Bound on coming out of lowed, and Imperial were King’s door with the fervour side move ended with Gabriel This showed on the pitch as, to Imperial. retirement to stand in for our jubilantly celebrating their of a ravenous wolf, but the off-loading to the omnipres- after a tense first five min- With the opposition’s heads honeymooning lock. first try. King’s defence wise to the ent Steve McLellan. The utes, Raph broke through the down and the game now look- This puts the First XV back This did not dampen regal danger, like three little pigs final whistle blew as Andrew back line to score a superb ing like a formality, some con- at the top of the league with spirits however: King’s with television screen entry Towers’ conversion attempt try near to the posts, Pedder fusion among the back three only three games left to play. pressed hard and converted a intercom on their cottage. was waylaid by the wind. Surgical strikes Results King’s Men’s 3rd 3 WEDNESDAY THURSDAY Imperial Medicals Men’s 3rd 0 dispatch St Bart’s 1 DECEMBER 2 DECEMBER RUGBY His follow-up conversion shot the defence like a German was just as clinical. Then Joe tank through French resist- BADMINTON BASKETBALL SUNDAY Imperial Men’s 3rd 77 ‘Panzer’ Sanders led a break ance. Further scores came St Bart’s Men’s 2nd 3 into St Barts’ rear echelon from Pete ‘KGB’ Sannikov, Surrey Women’s 1st 4 LSE Men’s 1st 38 5 DECEMBER and after great support put Will ‘The Corporal’ Mews and Imperial Women’s 1st 4 Imperial Men’s 1st 47 By Andy Wright the bomb on target. ‘Lamb Chops’ again. FOOTBALL On the next advance Ben Chris ‘Budgie’ Gosden FOOTBALL We found ourselves in South ‘Lamb Chops’ Thompson converted most attempts, GKT Women’s 1st 17 London about to play rugby. received the ball, after the and some excellent strike Imperial Men’s 4th 2 SATURDAY Imperial Women’s 1st 0 The mission: to destroy St opposition were duped by tackles were seen from Tom GKT Men’s 3rd 1 Barts, I repeat – to destroy Alex ‘Ballerina’ Fergusson, ‘The Hitter’ Peatman. It 4 DECEMBER VOLLEYBALL St Barts. and went through for a score. was a total victory, thanks Sussex Men’s 1st 4 After an initial advance Great play throughout the to good team work and dis- Imperial Medicals Men’s 1st 0 FOOTBALL Essex Men’s 1st 2 by the heavy armour of the squad led to more tries for cipline and to the planning Imperial Men’s 1st 1 Imperial forwards, a preci- Fergusson and Sanders, and leadership of Wing HOCKEY GKT Men’s 1st 2 sion strike from Nick ‘Iceman’ who used his forward-firing Commander Dan ‘Peanut Imperial Men’s 3rd 1 Warde opened up the scoring. beer belly to barge through Head’ Lindsley. Sussex Women’s 2nd 4 Imperial Medicals Imperial Men’s 5th 2 MONDAY Women’s 3rd 0 UCL Men’s 7th 2 6 DECEMBER RSM bombard the RUGBY St Bart’s Men’s 3rd 0 Imperial Men’s 6th 2 WATER POLO King’s Men’s 1st 15 Honourable Artillery Corps Imperial Men’s 1st 33 Imperial Men’s 7th 0 Imperial Medicals 1st 4 University of the Arts London UCL 1st 14 RUGBY Stefan Nubert and John perforating runs from cen- Imperial Men’s 3rd 63 Men’s 1st 6 Sykes) the firsts points finally tres Alex O’Rourke and Andy Queen Mary Men’s 2nd 5 RSM Men’s 1st 21 came from Imperial legend Irving. HAC Men’s 1st 7 Tim ‘the prowler’ Praill, who, Eventually, sometime after Bristol Men’s 1st 34 with his huge tackles and the kick that went straight Imperial Medicals Men’s 1st 8 Captain Eddy Poulding didn’t mountains of experience, was into water boy Fergusson’s know whether to laugh or cry kind enough to provide the face, Kim Grogan body check- GKT Women’s 1st 5 when he marched his group Royal School of Mines team ing his opposite winger and Imperial Women’s 1st 25 of rotting miners past a fit with a magnificent try which Quincy’s ‘double dummy looking HAC team sporting fly half Nick Warde converted side step’, Eddy Poulding TENNIS a fresh tan from their recent with exceptional ease. decided it was time to score tour of southern Iraq. Little Unfortunately for the RSM, two outstanding tries to St Mary’s Men’s 1st 3 did he know that the most the Honourable Artillery demolish the shell-shocked Imperial Men’s 2nd 7 valiant warriors would turn Corps were able to scrape HAC side. out to be on his side. a handful of pathetic points Special mentions should The kick off was shortly when, after a mistake from also go to rucking team bravo followed by savage screams the forwards, Chaps club (consisting of Tim Praill, from scrum half and vice president and full back Rob James Davies, Josh Wright captain Quincy Allan, in an Thomas was faced with a one and James Clark) for their attempt to somewhat intimi- on one with the HAC fly half. swift clearing out and hands date the opposition. The The fly half would certainly on approach towards the HAC screams, however, didn’t last have ended up in hospital pack, and to the side’s only for long, as Allan was forced had Mr Thomas not attended person who plays rugby on a to come off due to fatigue. the formidable ’22 dinner the regular basis for the Imperial After some ferocious driv- night before. medics, RSM vice-president ing from rucking team alpha Nevertheless, the mighty Mike Seager for being such a (Tom Hawkins, Joe Franklin, RSM struck back with superb cool guy. Felix 32 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 9 December 2004

Sport [email protected] Fairies show magical skills

NETBALL Sponsored by

Imperial 2nd 42 St George’s 2nd 10

By Celina Rughani

Once again, the Imperial Seconds, also known as ‘The Fairies’, have demon- strated their magic. They won not one but two matches in a row. With a flick of their wand, a sprinkle of some fairy dust and a damn fantastic team, the Seconds held down their high standards and arse- whooping antics! Both matches were against St George’s. The first was won by an outstanding score of 39-17, but the latest match confirmed that the Fairies are a force to be reckoned with, winning 42-10. Aiming to maintain their unbeaten record, The Fairies pulled together to show great skill and the determination to win. Besides the blistering cold and a few accidents that called for the first aid box, the matches were smooth and to their favour throughout. With the arrival of a new uniform, not only did we kick arse, but we looked hot, the skirts putting a new definition to mini! Overall a great perform- ance by The Fairies and the most positive we’ve been all term! And to all our support- ers out there: “Fairy love to you all,” as Hen would say! Imperial netballers in action against St George’s

Quick Crossword by Fishface

1 2 3 4 5 5 6 7 Across Down 1. Strange (6) 1. Military unit (4) 8 8 5. Bird (4) 2. Sport (7) 9. Logo (5) 3. Direct (5) 9 10 10. Ruin (7) 4. Capture (6) 11. Cloth (6) 6. Month (5) 12. Ice house (5) 7. Electric piano (8) Send your answers to 10 11 12 14. Flowers (6) 8. Item of clothing (1–5) 16. State of reduced sensibility (6) 13. Type of accent (US) (5–3) [email protected] or bring this page to the Felix office in 13 19. Period of time (5) 15. Invent (6) 21. Sport (6) 17. Student officer, esp. in private school (7) the West Wing of Beit Quad 14 15 16 17 24. Martial art (2,5) 18. Bird (6) 25. Thoughts (5) 20. Cooking style using hot seasoning (5) Issue 1308 solution 16 18 18 26. Breeze (4) 22. Country (5) B O Y B A N D C E N N U I 27. Defeated (8) 23. Manipulated (4) R A I L R C I A A E E U M 19 20 18 21 22 20 O V E R R U N R S L U M P W I L B I E I E E P T C I 23 N O D I V I N G S W R E N A S K P A S G R C N O E G T R A I L S G C H A N G E 24 25 R R I S S R O A A E E B B I S L E R E X E R C I S E 24 R N M C E L T I A Y N L R E J E C T E A U D I T O R 26 27 M G N I N G I M E N R A O E X T R A G L A S S O E R