“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.“ ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Ankles Away y darling broken bride, the brave and “patient” Melinda Peterson is healing heels over head from her ankle-replacement surgery on our new articulated beds. The steady Mstream of loving friends (from as far away as New Zealand) bearing edibles, pain-killers and laughs is unending; and her progress is so successful that after she was “recast” this week, she will soon be “getting the boot” – the so-called “Frankenstein Boot” – and will then be able to begin serious rehab sooner than we thought possible… Thanks to you all for your loving support and thoughtful messages; you have given Melinda and me many reasons to celebrate this Thanksgiving!

“Hope is a projection of the imagination; so is despair. Despair all too readily embraces the ills it foresees…” ~ Thorton Wilder DRIVE, SHE SAID “Time will be up, when the humans forget!” y neighbor was “Living in the past is for working in his cowards.” ~ Football yard when he coach Mike Ditka wasM startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed THANKS GIVE-ME to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. efore you start carving, He said with excitement, think about this: The “You appear quite elderly to wild turkey is the Bheaviest flying bird in the world be driving.” HOLD THE TURKEY that flies; and although eagles “Well, yes, I am,” she replied and geese are monogamous for proudly. “I’ll be 97 next Roast beef on whole wheat, please, life, turkeys are monogamous month, and I am now old With lettuce, mayonnaise and a center slice for about a minute. enough that I don’t even Of beefsteak tomato, need a driver’s license To attract hens, tom turkeys The lettuce splayed, if you will, anymore.” He asked, “How vibrate their body, which causes In a Beaux Arts derivative of classical acanthus; do you know?” their feathers to become erect, And the roast beef, thinly sliced, folded except in Utah, where it is “The last time I went to In a multi-foil arrangement prohibited. Male turkeys are my doctor, he examined That eschews Bragdonian pretensions, called “toms,” female turkeys me and asked if I had a Or any idea of divine geometric projection are called hens, baby turkeys driver’s license. “I told For that matter, but simply provides are called poults, and teenage him, ‘Yes’ and handed it A setting for the tomato. turkeys are called trexters. Tom to him. He took scissors And form a medallion with a dab turkeys have beards – a single out of the drawer, cut the Of mayonnaise as a fleuron, black, hair-like feather on their license into pieces, and And—as eclectic as this may sound— breast. Hens sometimes have threw them in the waste If the mayonnaise can also be applied beards but rarely get asked out basket, saying, ‘You won’t Along the crust in a Vitruvian scroll, on dates. Wild turkeys sleep in need this anymore.’ So, I And as a festoon below the medallion. trees, but commercially raised thanked him and left!” That’d be swell. turkeys cannot fly… because “You mean like in the Cathedral St. Pierre in they’re raised to be gobbled. “It’s easier to Geneva?” fool people than Yes, but the swag more like the one below the For their first meal on the moon, to convince people rosette astronauts Neil Armstrong and they’ve been fooled.” At the Royal Palace in Amsterdam. Edwin Aldrin ate roast turkey ~ Mark Twain “You got it. Next!” in foil packets and washed it down with Tang for the first Thanks to the ravenous Paul Gorman, Y’62 Tangsgiving. Turkeys, however, TICK-TOCK TALK as opposed to our other fowl- feathered friends, eat a wider owdy, Phil,” variety of things like fish, snakes, writes Planeteer Ian Zalewski, responding to my baby birds, insects, fruit, grasses, grains, acorns, mice, and crow, piece on perspectives... “I was walking around a like me. ‘Hlarge event in 1998 for a spoken word project asking people Wild turkeys were almost wiped out in the early 1900s, but about time. ‘What is time?’ ‘How do you tell time?’ ‘What does today there are wild turkeys in every state except Alaska, time tell you?’ And I ended d’whole pizza d’resistance with a since they all moved to Hawaii. So carve generously, ten-year old boy’s answers to ‘When will time be up?’ There because the breast of domestically raised turkeys is so was a windstorm brewing, and he spat, “AT THE END!” and large that the bird often tips over -- especially in Los ran away... Angeles and Las Vegas. So, why don’t we eat Turkey tails? “But then he gave a second answer, and I enticed him to READ MORE come back and say that into the mic, and he said: n CONTINUED “Anyone who has the power to make you ”When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, believe absurdities has the power to make you I feel bad; and that’s my religion.” commit injustices.” ~ Voltaire ~ President Abraham Lincoln.

TICK TOCK, TOCK TRICK PARAPROSDOKIANS, PARLEZ-VOUS

efore daylight savings was made uniform in hese are Winston Churchill’s favorite word play, most of the U.S. in 1966, according to National in which the latter part of a phrase is unexpected Geographic, there was once an office building and often humorous: inB Minneapolis where different floors of the building were T Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear observing different time zones because they were offices bright until you hear them speak. The last thing I want to do for different counties. is hurt you ... but it’s still on my list. If I agreed with you, we’d “Silence is the ultimate weapon of power.” both be wrong. We never really grow up -- we only learn how ~ Charles de Gaulle to act in public. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. To steal ideas from one person LIKE A ROLLING LOAN is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. War does not woman walks into a bank in NYC and asks for determine who is right, only who is left. a $5000 loan. The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. In filling out an application, collateral?”A The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce?” The banker, stunned, asks, A $250,000 where it says, “In case of emergency, notify …” I wrote Rolls Royce? Really?” down “a doctor.” To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. She is completely positive and hands over the keys, as the Women will never be equal to men until they can walk bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, check her credentials; make and still think they are sexy. Going to church sure she is the title owner. doesn’t make you a Christian any more Everything checks than standing in a garage makes you out. They park it in a car. You are never too old to learn their underground something stupid. I used to be garage for two indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. weeks. “Those who ride on the back of a When she comes tiger often end up inside” ~ JFK back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 GIVE TIL IT HURTS interest. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of teven Thompson wrote this 5-star review for your business with us, but I have one question. We looked Amazon called “A Genial Fella Who Helped Create you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why Comedy As We Know It Today. (Xmas is COMING…) would you want to borrow $5,000?” S The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I I’ve never met Phil Proctor but I’ve spoken with him a park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to few times online in relation to our late mutual friend Kip be there when I return?” King. Long before that, I was aware of who he was and would recognize him when I saw him in various movie “The life I touch for good or ill will touch and TV projects. During the heyday of his comedy troupe, another life, and that in turn another, the Firesign Theatre, I had no idea what they were all until who knows where the trembling stops or about. I had discovered Monty Python like most of us in in what far place my touch will be felt.” the US, when they debuted on PBS in the early 1970s. I ~ Frederick Buechner n CONTINUED LEADERS IN LUNACY Firesign Theatre (left, clockwise from me): Me, Dave Ossman, Peter Bergman and Phil Austin; The Goonies (below, left to right): Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe, Michael Bentine, and Peter Sellers; and Monty Python (bottom, clockwise from top): Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Michael Palin, John Cleese, and Terry Jones surround Eric Idle, center.

discovered Python’s influence, “The Goon Show,” when a local college radio station ran it weekly here in the late ‘70s. It wouldn’t be until the 21st Century, though, before I actually listened to the Firesign Theatre, also influenced by the Goons and often described as an had to look up a few “American Monty Python.” things to make sure he was telling the truth and Essential to Phil Proctor’s own not just up to his old story, Where’s My Fortune absurdist tricks! Cookie? is, inevitably, the story of the Firesign Theatre. Turns out Firesign In fact, though, there is so was just a lingering much more to his personal stopover in Phil’s long journey and, if anything, it’s career as a child actor, twice as surreal as anything a Broadway and off- that group ever offered. I Broadway performer, literally part of various club acts, album cover designer, TV character actor, radio show host, comedy writer, and cartoon voice actor— among other things. But what an influential stopover it was, counting as fans Robin Williams, Chevy Chase, John Goodman, George Carlin, and many others who have gone on to make the world laugh just a little bit more. The Firesign Theatre’s humor is tough to describe with n CONTINUED any degree of accuracy, the words “absurdist,” “anarchic,” disappointments as he never quite makes a complete and “surreal” being probably the best words for them. In success in spite of many opportunities. Peter pops in and a way, their albums—with names like, Don’t Crush That out after Phil becomes an adult, and the two become fast Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers and We’re All Bozos On This friends and creative partners, in spite of Peter’s sometimes Bus, are like the underground comix equivalent of old-time selfishness. The Firesign Theatre—so named because all radio comedies and dramas. four members were astrological fire signs—sprang from When I finally listened to them, I realized that even that friendship. without knowing where they’d come The book’s title, Where’s My Fortune Cookie?, from, I had incorporated some of their is a clear reference to the Chinese restaurant catchphrases into my own language, incident but after a life of bizarre adventures on such as “Forward! Into the Past!” PLANETCLICK record, on radio, on stage and in the real world, While Firesign might work even better that title comes around again, surreally, at the whilst chemically enhanced, repeated end of the book, thanks to the by then late Mr. CLICK WORDS TO OPEN listenings reward the listener as you Bergman. start to realize all the audio tricks that In spite of his warts and all telling of the drugs, have gone into the various LPs. I don’t YELP ME the orgies, and the struggles and fighting on think I ever laughed actually but I smiled both sides of the metaphorical footlights, Phil appreciatively a lot at the group’s sheer TRUMPED Proctor comes across as he always has—a cleverness, intelligent writing, and genial, clever, nice, amusing man who can tell originality. GAS MUSIC one heck of a story and really make you care do much the same with this book. As about the characters you meet along the way. TWENTY-TWO I with anyone, Phil’s trip to now hasn’t If you’re a fan of Firesign Theatre or Proctor and been all sweetness and light. In fact, THINK/PRAY Bergman, it’s a must. If you have no idea who the book opens with a downright scary any of these people are, it’s probably past time (but verified real) incident where he TIME you learned who influenced so much of today’s and sometime comedy partner Peter comedy. Bergman end up nearly being killed BATS in a restaurant by the Chinese mafia! “I’m supposed to respect my elders, In an odd way, Phil Proctor’s story, at POWERS but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.” least from time to time, is also the late WOOF Peter Bergman’s story. Bergman was a ~ I forgot who sent me this bit more out there than Phil—politically, WISH societally, humorously—but the two HELP ME played off each other perfectly, so much JERRY so that when the Firesign Theatre was inactive for long periods at a time, FLY hanks to Allen Schill, James Palka, Proctor and Bergman would often Richard Laible, Barry Pearl, Art SAMMY tour or do TV specials or movies like Peterson, Jordon Davis, Joan AllemandT , Nick Oliva, Charles Moed, Victor the great J-Men Forever (made from SCOTTY redubbing old movie serials) or the fun Kopcewich, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., George misfire,Americathon . GAS Riddle, Shelly Goldstein for their contributions to this orbit – and a very happy 9th birthday to The early chapters here are my favorite, my grandson, Bowen Campbell! with Phil acknowledging over and over his personal influences throughout his “The illegal we do immediately; the nearly lifelong career in show business, unconstitutional takes a little longer.” even as he has to put up with bullies and false hope and ~ Henry Kissinger

“I have not failed, I just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas Alva Edison

FIRESIGN • BOOMERS

PLANET PROCTOR © Phil Proctor 2017 • layout and production Cristofer Gross / Theatertimes.org