CoDA Serenity Pages September 2010 Volume 3, Issue 8

Editor’s Corner…Sarah T.

Something to My grandmother passed over. They were not years. Ponder… away this week and while I stories of joy from her mourn her loss, I am also marriage or pride in her It makes me sad but it also reminded of how much kids. Instead, they were teaches me a lesson. What are you she suffered as a result of stories of her sister that There is no validation in holding on to that her bitterness. wronged her and how her holding on to hurts. There is nothing good to come you need to let go children never appreciated My grandma wasn’t a her and of the neighbor from holding back of? “cookie baking” grandma, who trampled on her forgiveness. All it does is but she was fun in her own garden. hurt me, not them. Instead, way. Turns out that she I need to let go and move was also very She was never able to on. Live my life for today dysfunctional but for many forgive and forget and it in and concentrate on the years I was too young to large part contributed to beauty of the present notice. her death by eating away moment for there may at her from the inside out. come a day when my When you talked to my The anger and moments are all used up grandma during her final resentments robbed her of and I don’t want to have days, you would hear the any joy she could have wasted a single one. same stories over and had in those last few

Notes from the Board…

EVENTS! Thank you to all that Service work can take on wisdom and insight to came to the CoDA a variety of forms – the newer members of CoDA Service Board Round-up in August! It chairing a meeting, our groups. Your Meetings – 12 p.m. at the was a small group but reading the topic, experiences are 12 Step House: we had a great time and making coffee, cleaning invaluable and we need 9/26, 10/31, 11/28, 12/26? shared in a lot. up, or calling a your participation. newcomer. These are all One important lesson ways in which you can If you’re not sure where from the day was to give give back to the CoDA to help or how, contact back. Service work is an community. any board member or important part of our meeting GSR. recovery. When you take Some of you may feel the time to give back to like you’ve “been there, And most importantly, others, you will done that” and moved KEEP COMING BACK!! ultimately receive on. We understand and abundance more back. hope you come back. You provide important

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Inspiration…Intention…Information

“Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves.” - Robert Frost

Who is standing in your way?

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

Source: SparkPeople

All experience is an arch Today, I will solve the Today I will pay to build on. the wrapping looks like, we put ourselves in a problems of today. I attention to what -- Henry Brooks Adams position to discover might have become needs to be solved unexpected treasures. We can learn something so focused on solving today. We live life to the fullest, from any experience, all the problems in my and we learn who we even one that is painful. In life that I haven't “Time to Fly Free” by Judith are as we grow. In that fact, we often learn more R. Smith way, all experience is noticed the little from painful experiences positive in building our problems that arise than from pleasant ones. new lives. each day. When we say or do

something foolish or Today let me learn hurtful that causes us Do I have anything something that will help Living in the Present embarrassment or guilt, that needs to be me grow in wisdom and pain gives us a reason to maturity. completed or One day at a time, learn and behave resolved today? I will This is enough. differently next time. It From “Body, Mind and Spirit” by take a moment each Do not look back and may hurt to be arrested Anonymous day and work on what grieve over the past. for drunk driving, but the I need to do just for For it is gone. . . pain of that experience And do not be troubled may be the beginning of that day. Even though about the future. solving long-term recovery for someone For it has not yet come. who is addicted. Live in the present, and The past is a problems is “ necessary, so is make it so beautiful. foreign country; That it will be worth We can't change the solving the smaller remembering. experiences we have, but they do things daily problems. Not we can learn from them. differently there.” allowing things to pile The 12 Step Prayer Book Our life is a gift that Volume 2 by Bill P. and Lisa D. up keeps me from comes wrapped in what -Leslie Poles Hartley we experience each feeling overwhelmed. moment. When we accept this gift and open it willingly, no matter what

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Creating the Best Year of Your Life - Plan it! Chapter 4

From the book “The Best Year of Your Life” by Debbie Ford

Every great achievement begins with a plan. But before you can make this life going forward the best it’s ever been you must first look back on the years that have come before and examine all of [Do It!] the obstacles that remain in your path. Think of it as cleaning the slate. You have to get rid of the old to make room for the new.

Make a list of the There is nothing more important for each of us to do on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis than unresolved projects, to bring closure to the events of our past and completion to all our outstanding tasks. Closure is the tasks and relationships doorway from the past to the future. It helps us create the strong and solid foundation upon which that are keeping you we can build an inspiring future. tied to the past and blocking you from Most of us are unaware of the resignation that is brewing just beneath the surface of our expressing your consciousness. The voice of resignation is different for each of us but usually sounds like, “Why greatest self. Identify bother? It’s never going to happen. I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve it.” Because we are the actions you will unaware of it, we spend countless hours and attention trying to cover it up and fill that void inside of need to take to bring us. Instead of making peace with our past, we develop addictions, create drama, and attract closure to each upsetting incidents in order to change our focus and avoid the painful feelings. incomplete issue from your past. Imagine To dismantle this, we must first take a short journey into our past and uncover the ways in which how good it will feel to we’ve deceived or disappointed ourselves or others. We must see how we’ve sabotaged ourselves. have a clean slate on We must understand that if we were meant to drag the past around with us each day, it would be which to create the called the present. If you think you need someone else to help you get closure than chances are best year of your life. you’ll never get it. We can’t count on anyone else to give us something that we must give ourselves.

Physical incompletions – like clutter, half-completed projects, and unfinished to-do lists – prevent us from having a clean slate on which to create what we want. They weigh us down physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Think of them as bloodsuckers draining your self-esteem, your “Spectacular feelings of worthiness, your drive, your passion, and your confidence. If you could see them, achievements wouldn’t you quickly remove them? are always preceded by When you have closed the book on your past, you will experience a sense of deep satisfaction. You painstaking can move forward with energy, excitement and a fresh perspective. You will see with newfound clarity exactly what is possible for you. preparation.” Closing the door on our past lays the foundation for a bright new future and allows new doors to -Roger Staubach, open before us. It leaves us deeply rooted in our personal integrity and powerfully grounds us in the present moment.

What Melody says…from “More of The Language of Letting Go”

January 18 “If I could just go back and do things through.” I was sitting outside on the different, life would be so good now. “ “Silly me,” I thought. “Life is pretty good now.” patio one morning. My mind Later that morning I read a meditation card wandered back to 10 years about clinging to the past. It said, “It’s time to Let yourself have all your feelings about the ago. My son was still alive face up to the fact that the past is gone, and past. Then let them go. Don’t let the past stop then and my daughter as at any effort to repeat it is a sure way to stay you from seeing how beautiful and precious home. Our love, our family stuck in old blueprints that you would have each moment in your life is now.

was so strong. I wanted to go already outgrown If you hadn’t been so busy “God, help me let go of yesterday so I can open back there. clinging to what you have already been my heart to the gifts of today.”

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Dear Self,

I am sorry that I have consistently ignored your needs and wants. I have put other people’s needs before yours and, as a consequence, you have developed resentments.

I am sorry that I have blamed you for things, not realizing that you were doing the best you could. I know that you were very confused and hurt and didn’t know what to do. I will try not to let people use you ever again.

I am sorry that I have labeled you lazy when you were depressed. I will try to do something good for you when you are depressed now. I will take the time to think of the good things about you and I will try to remember you are a good person, despite the fact that you mess up sometimes.

I am sorry that I judge you continually and watch for your every fault. I know that you do not claim to be perfect, or even close, but I still have been disappointed in you every time you do not perform perfectly. I have called you stupid and lazy when you were tired and depressed. I have called you ignorant and unprepared when you were inexperienced. When you were afraid to meet people, I called you selfish. My perfectionist tendencies have made you anxious and tense much of time and for that I apologize.

You don’t have to be right all the time. You don’t have to Miss/Mr. Efficient or neat or a super athlete, or Miss/Mr. Beautiful, goody two shoes all the time. I will try to love you and accept your faults as much as I can. In this atmosphere of acceptance, you will probably be able to relax and enjoy life. I will make your needs my important priority. I will let you accept praise and compliments with grace. You deserve them. I will make sure that you get all the help I can find for our continued growth of body, mind, and spirit. I will make time for exercise, continued education, meditation and prayer. Your happiness will be my first priority.

Most importantly, I will seek the help of my Higher Power in loving you as you are. I have not been able to do it in the past, but my Higher Power will show me its will for me and the strength to carry it out.

Love, Me

-Anonymous

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." “’I only do stuff until I get dizzy & then I lay down on my back & The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: watch the clouds’, she said. ‘It "Which wolf wins?" sounds simple but you won't believe how many people forget The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed." the second part.’”

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Meditations Random meditation picked from each of these sources to see what our Higher Power wants us to ponder! “Put It on Paper”….The Best Year of Your Life Cards, by Debbie Ford

Incomplete actions take details it’s been send? up space in our holding? · Are there scraps of Items of Note: paper bearing useful awareness. When we retain information on ACTIVITY: information scattered all over your 7th Tradition unfinished to-dos in our This is the time to put “A CoDA group ought to be minds rather than on a everything you’ve been home/car? fully self supporting, calendar or scheduling holding in your head · Are there items to be declining outside system, we become onto paper. Use the returned or bills to contributions” easily distracted from following questions to pay? the truly important trigger your memory. The continued existence of tasks. After you’ve captured CoDA is dependent on your generous donations. · Are there these answers on paper, assign a date by Remember to give what you If you’ve been feeling appointments you can to the 7th tradition at which each item will be confused, unfocused or need to make? your meeting. Have extra? scattered, this activity · Are there phone complete. Then give for the person who will give you some calls or emails you can’t afford it this week. much-needed peace of need to return? mind. Just think: What · What other forms of GSRs – remember to give else could you be communication do from your meeting to the treasurer! We need to dreaming, planning and you need to deliver? support local CoDA! creating if your mind Do you have cards were relived of all the or thank yous to ~ Welcome newcomers!

We are glad you’re here! Got questions about CoDA? We recommend attending the Newcomer’s Meeting, Power Every Day I Pray Thursdays at St. Paul By Iyanla Vanzant Lutheran Church, 7:00 p.m. Thought Cards Prayer for Peace in Difficult Tasks ~

- Louise L. Hay Interested in joining the Dear Higher Power: Omaha CoDA mailing list? My Life is a Please remind me that I can do anything for a little while. You will receive a weekly I can do unpleasant things. inspirational email as well as mirror I can do difficult tasks, surrounded by difficult people, under occasional reminders about unpleasant circumstances. upcoming events. To sign The people I can do everything I’ve convinced myself I’m afraid to do. up, send an email to in my life I can feel unsure. [email protected]. are really I can feel my faith waning and my strength draining and still ~ mirrors of accomplish something worthwhile. When I feel like running away or turning around, please remind CoDA Service Board me. me. meeting minutes are available for public view by When I am making excuses, please remind me. This affords contacting the Secretary. When I am whining and complaining, please remind me that me the no task is too small, unimportant or insignificant. Remind me opportunity that all I do for you today will be rewarded tenfold tomorrow. to grow Remind me that I can do anything for a little while. And while I am doing all that has been given me to do, remind and me to give you praise for the ability to do anything at all. change. And so it is!

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The Steps…excerpts from the “Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps” by Melody Beattie

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible expect when to do so would injure them or others.

The Making Peace Step

Purpose:

This Step is about making peace with ourselves and others. That is the purpose of amends. This Step helps us own our behaviors and takes a major leap forward in establishing boundaries – the difference between us and another person. This Step allows us to forgive others that have harmed us. This Step allows us to forgive ourselves for harm that we have done to others. Attitude, honesty, and openness count here. In peace and harmony we begin to clean up our discord in our relationships with others and most of all ourselves. After we make an amend, it is not the other person’s responsibility to clear away the guilt and shame that we have felt about the thing for which we are making the amends – that is our job. The anger and rage we have against ourselves was slowly killing us. By making peace with the relationships in our lives and taking responsibility for our behaviors and making amends, the anger, rage, guilt and shame begin to lessen. We become healed.

Essential points:

· The first amend to make is to forgive those that have harmed us – to let go of the resentments and guilt. It is important that we feel the feelings before and let them go which moves us to forgiveness. We can also establish boundaries to prevent the harm happening again. · The second list is those that we have harmed. Our goal is do whatever work we need to do to be done with our shame and guilt. · As we make our amends, we can be gentle with ourselves and forgive ourselves and let go of the incident. · We can learn to examine our behaviors and figure out what we did and did not do. We can learn to discern when we need make an amends and when our codependency is prompting us to say we are sorry. · Denying a wrongdoing towards others or ourselves does not make the behavior or the guilt go away. This Step does. · This Step is not to be feared. Trust it. Let the guilt go and we will be rewarded with a spiritual bonus. As one man put it, “We will receive the grace we need to live comfortably with ourselves, others, and our pasts”.

Activity:

What is the biggest guilt you have right now? Using the Steps as a formula, how can you deal with that so that you can be done with the guilt?

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

~Alexander Pope

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Greater Omaha CoDA Patterns and Characteristics of Service Board Codependence · Chair: Jason G. , 402-677-8308 [email protected], These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self- · Vice Chair: Karin F., 554-8687 evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers. · Treasurer: CJ T., 402-706-0950, [email protected], Denial Patterns: · Secretary: Roger A., 402-575- · I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. 0909 · Literature: Lisa, 402-515-7533 · I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. · State Delegate: Sharon F. · I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well [email protected] being of others. · Community Contact: Lynn [email protected] · Community Technical Contact: Low Self Esteem Patterns: Sarah T, 402-305-9052 · I have difficulty making decisions. [email protected], · I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."

· I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. The following books are recommended by CoDA World · I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. for use in recovery from · I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over codependence: my own. · The CoDA Big Book (available · I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. from your local CoDA Literature representative. Also ask meeting GSRs as some Compliance Patterns: meetings keep copies on · I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or hand). others' anger. · I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. We also recommend any book · I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. by Melody Beattie, particularly · I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am "Language of Letting Go", afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. "Codependent No More" and · I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what "Beyond Codependency" others want. (available in the Self-Help · I accept sex when I want love. section of most new or used book stores)

Control Patterns:

Helpful Websites: · I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. · CoDA World Website: http://www.codependents.org · I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. · Local CoDA: http://www.codaomaha.org · I become resentful when others will not let me help them. · Hazelden: · I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. http://www.hazelden.org · I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. · I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. · I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

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Codependent’s Anonymous (CoDA) Meeting List Metro Omaha Area

We suggest you reach out and call other people in CoDA and Keep Coming Back!

Details* (all meetings are non-smoking) Day Time Contact Monday Magic Monday 7:30pm Roger A. – 402- 575-0909 12 Step House, 7306 Grant St. (small room upstairs) CoDA and Beyond – Women Only Tuesday 7:15pm Marcia S. – 402-573-1454 St. Paul’s Methodist Church, 5410 Corby St. Susan F. – 402-738-9684 Cocoon Club Tuesday 7:30pm Mary C. – 402-980-8258 or Church of the Master, NE corner of 114th and Center [email protected] (park in small north lot) 12 Step House, 7306 Grant St. (large room upstairs) Wednesday 8:00pm Bill K. – 402.573-5933 Independence from Codependence Thursday 7:30pm Siena Francis House Siena Francis House, 1702 Nicholas St. 402-342-3357 Newcomer’s Meeting – Q&A session* Thursday 7:00 pm Lisa – 402-515-7533 (if no newcomers then regular open meeting) Dave W. – 402-515-4693 St. Paul Lutheran Church, 5410 Corby St. (Please park in the small North parking lot, just off of NW radial and enter through the back doors) 12 Step Study* 1st Friday of 6:00pm CJ T. – 402-706-0950 or UNMC, 42nd and Emile each month [email protected] (Park on level 2B of garage & follow signs to Sarah T. – 402-305-9052 or Conference Room 2628) [email protected] Adventures in Recovery Friday 7:30pm CJ T. – 402-706-0950 or UNMC, 42nd and Emile [email protected] (Park on level 2 of garage & follow signs to Sarah T. – 402-305-9052 or Conference Room 2628) [email protected] Saturday Serenity Saturday 11:30am Sharon F. – 402- 321-3445or 12 Step House, 7306 Grant St. [email protected] (small room upstairs) Greater Omaha Service Board Meeting* Last Sunday 12:00pm Jason G. (GSRs & Board members required, others welcome) of the month [email protected], 12 Step House, 7306 Grant St. 402-677-8308 (small room upstairs)

*Special Meetings: Ø Newcomer’s Meeting: Question and answer session for newcomers, providing them a chance to see what CoDA is all about. Meets every Thursday. Ø 12 Step Study: a chance for all to work the steps and discuss. Meets the first Friday of every month. Ø Greater Omaha Service Board Meeting: business meeting to discuss issues, plan events, etc. Meets the last Sunday of the month. GSRs and board members are required, all others welcome!

LOCAL WEBSITE: http://www.codaomaha.org NATIONAL WEBSITE: http://www.codependents.org