Seinfeld Script - "The Tapper"
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FAKE SEINFELD SCRIPT - "THE TAPPER" Written by David W Litwin FADE IN: INT. PUBLIC RESTROOM - DAY A large group of men jostle for position as GEORGE and JERRY relieve themselves in front of a row of six urinals. It’s crowded and uncomfortable. Only Jerry and George speak. JERRY I really think I have a chance. GEORGE With that girl seated behind us? JERRY No, with the Yankees’ relief pitcher, of course with the girl behind us! I think she thinks I’m witty. GEORGE You’re not witty. JERRY I beg to differ with you, I am the probably the only comedian in this restroom. GEORGE You’re not witty, your funny. JERRY Well, I think I’m both, but to you, what’s the difference? GEORGE Funny people get people to laugh, but witty people get people to think. JERRY (annoyed) And I’ll guess then you can figure out what I’m thinking right now. George and Jerry finish relieving themselves at the same time. George, however, does something strange as he finishes. Jerry looks over at him with a puzzled expression. 2. EXT. STADIUM VENDING AREA - DAY George and Jerry stand in line getting drinks at the vending counter. Jerry still has a puzzled look on his face. George orders a beer. They walk inside the concourse. George Looks over at Jerry. GEORGE What? JERRY What was that thing you just did in the bathroom? GEORGE What thing? JERRY That tapping thing. You tapped when you were finished. GEORGE So...? JERRY It was embarrassing. What is this, the middle ages? You don’t need to punish it. It did its job. GEORGE So what do you do? JERRY Shake, like the rest of the human male population. GEORGE What are you talking about? Plenty of people tap. George and Jerry sit back down at their seats in the stadium. KRAMER site next to them. Jerry hands Kramer a beer. Kramer grabs it with great enthusiasm. Jerry smiles at the pretty BLONDE WOMAN behind him. KRAMER So what’s going on? JERRY Well I just discovered that George is a tapper. 3. Kramer shakes violently. Looks over at George with great passion. KRAMER What are you thinking man?! That’s a fragile instrument! You could DAMAGE that thing! (a beat, to George) I thought I knew you. Kramer’s commotion is apparent. It is somewhat distracting to the other fans. Jerry looks back at the pretty BLONDE WOMAN in a seat behind him. JERRY Sorry about this, we just learned my friend here is a tapper. BLONDE WOMAN Ah... we women don’t have to worry about that. JERRY Well, then you’re lucky. BLONDE WOMAN Yeah... but we have childbirth. JERRY Ah, Touche. Jerry and the Blonde Woman continue to talk as Kramer looks at George with disgust. George sulks in his seat. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jerry enters the apartment alone. He throws off the baseball cap and puts the game program down on the table. His phone rings. JERRY Hello? EXT. BUSY MANHATTAN STREET - NIGHT Elaine walks on the street, holding her cellphone. She attempts to talk above the street noise. 4. ELAINE Jerry? Hey it’s Elaine. How was the game? JERRY (v.o.) It was great, where are you? ELAINE I’m on the street. Look I need a favor, I have an work thing tomorrow night and I need a date, can you make it? JERRY Yeah, tomorrow... Oh, not going to work. I’m going out with someone tomorrow. ELAINE Who? Who do you know? JERRY Just a woman I met at the game today. ELAINE Really? Elaine shuffles through people, only to walk by a rather PERVERTED LOOKING MAN, who stares her up and down. She looks back at him with a digusted look. ELAINE (CONT’D) (to man) NOT INTERESTED!!! Unaware of her surroundings, she bumps straight into a tall, well-built man dressed impeccably in a suit. He turns around. He’s gorgeous, with strong Latin features. Elaine instantly changes. ELAINE (CONT’D) Interested... very interested. The man looks puzzled, but smiles. LATIN MAN I’m sorry? Elaine dropped her phone on the ground when she was bumped. The Latin Man notices. 5. LATIN MAN (CONT’D) You have dropped your phone... Allow me to get it. The Latin Man bends over to pick it up. Elaine is aware of his phenomenal backside physique. Through the phone Jerry is yelling. JERRY Hello... ? Hello?! The Latin Man hears the voice in the phone. LATIN MAN I’m sorry, you were talking with someone? ELAINE Oh, he’s nothing. LATIN MAN Que? JERRY HELLO!? ELAINE I mean, it was nothing. Jerry continues to yell into the phone as Elaine hangs it up quickly. She tosses her hair with her hand playfully. ELAINE (CONT’D) I’m Elaine... INT. COSTANZA HOME - NIGHT George arrives home from the game. He enters the house quietly. His father walks in abruptly. FATHER Where have you been? GEORGE At the ball game. It went into extra innings. FATHER And you couldn’t have called!? Your mother made Paella! 6. MOTHER (from other room) Did you tell him I made Paella! FATHER (yelling to other room) Yes! I told him you made Paella! GEORGE I don’t want Paella! MOTHER What did he say!? FATHER (yelling) He said he doesn’t want you’re Paella! MOTHER He doesn’t want my Paella? Ask him what’s wrong!? FATHER What’s wrong son? GEORGE (stammering) Nothing’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about it. George tries to walk away, but his father stops him. FATHER If you’re not gonna eat your mother’s Paella, then you’re gonna talk about it! GEORGE Jerry... he made fun of me today. FATHER I never liked that boy. What was it? Your height, your hair? GEORGE What? No! (a beat) He mocked me for being a tapper. FATHER What is wrong with this culture? Tapping is the most effective way to ensure cleanliness. (MORE) 7. FATHER (CONT'D) How dare he make fun of a man for wanting to be sanitary! GEORGE Forget it. FATHER I’m a tapper, your grandfather was a tapper. General Frank A Costanza, the heralded general in the Union Army WAS A TAPPER! George’s father looks at him with fire and zeal. FATHER (CONT’D) Son, if you stop tapping, I’ll disown you. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Jerry walks out of his apartment, dressed to go out. At the curb the BLONDE WOMAN stands next to an elegant white Mercedes. Jerry walks toward her. JERRY Nice car, I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. BLONDE WOMAN Very funny, it’s a company car. JERRY You keep good company then. BLONDE WOMAN You’re witty. JERRY (under his breath) I knew it. BLONDE WOMAN Why don’t you drive? She tosses him the keys. Jerry steps to the passenger side door. JERRY Allow me to get the door, milady. 8. Jerry reaches for the door handle, only to see a small arc of electric current hit his fingers. Jerry steps back slightly and shudders. BLONDE WOMAN What’s wrong? JERRY Nothing, I’m sorry. The Blonde Woman reaches out with her hand on Jerry’s check and give him a quick kiss on the other cheek. BLONDE WOMAN You’re cute too. Jerry reaches over to the driver’s side door, only to find the car shocks him one more time. He recoils his hand back. JERRY Stupid Car... Jerry enters the vehicle. The Blonde Woman looks at him. BLOND WOMAN Did you say something? JERRY What? Oh, I said, “super car.” JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jerry and George sit on the couch watching television. The door rings. George goes to the door to get it. Elaine enters, looks at George. ELAINE What’s up, Mr. Tapper. George looks at Jerry. GEORGE You told her!? JERRY Hey, she has a right to know who her friends are. ELAINE So Jerry, how’d the date go? Kramer opens the door and walks into the room. 9. KRAMER I have a friend over, do you have any beer? JERRY (to Krsmer) Fridge. JERRY (CONT’D) (to Elaine) It was great, she’s fun, beautiful... and she thinks I’m witty. Jerry flashes a quick look to George. George sinks a little in his chair. ELAINE So what’s the problem? JERRY Why does there always have to be a problem? Elaine flashes Jerry are “are you kidding me” sort of look. JERRY (CONT’D) Okay, it’s her car. ELAINE Too trashy? KRAMER Car smell funny? JERRY What? No! It... It just shocked me a little bit. ELAINE (baby voice) Too much for your wittle fingurs? KRAMER I love that feeling. I used to wear wool socks on my grandma’s bear skin rug, and then go up to her metal lamp and (shaking violently) BAM!!! Kramer recoils back, almost drops the drinks. He repositions. 10. KRAMER (CONT’D) Makes you feel alive! ELAINE (sarcastic) So you gonna see her again then? JERRY Of course... In fact she invited us all to her country club tomorrow afternoon. ELAINE Sorry, I can’t. I have to get ready for MY date...? JERRY What, with whom? ELAINE With the man I bumped into that night when we were talking on the phone. He’s rich, and gorgeous and Latin. And he has the most elegant name: Leonardo Niño. (a beat) We hung out all night and we’re going out tomorrow. AND he wants to meet all of you on Friday night for dinner and drinks at La Contanda.