FAKE SEINFELD SCRIPT - "THE TAPPER"

Written by

David W Litwin FADE IN:

INT. PUBLIC RESTROOM - DAY A large group of men jostle for position as GEORGE and JERRY relieve themselves in front of a row of six urinals. It’s crowded and uncomfortable. Only Jerry and George speak. JERRY I really think I have a chance. GEORGE With that girl seated behind us? JERRY No, with the Yankees’ relief pitcher, of course with the girl behind us! I think she thinks I’m witty. GEORGE You’re not witty. JERRY I beg to differ with you, I am the probably the only comedian in this restroom. GEORGE You’re not witty, your funny. JERRY Well, I think I’m both, but to you, what’s the difference? GEORGE Funny people get people to laugh, but witty people get people to think. JERRY (annoyed) And I’ll guess then you can figure out what I’m thinking right now. George and Jerry finish relieving themselves at the same time. George, however, does something strange as he finishes. Jerry looks over at him with a puzzled expression. 2.

EXT. STADIUM VENDING AREA - DAY George and Jerry stand in line getting drinks at the vending counter. Jerry still has a puzzled look on his face. George orders a beer. They walk inside the concourse. George Looks over at Jerry. GEORGE What? JERRY What was that thing you just did in the bathroom? GEORGE What thing? JERRY That tapping thing. You tapped when you were finished. GEORGE So...? JERRY It was embarrassing. What is this, the middle ages? You don’t need to punish it. It did its job. GEORGE So what do you do? JERRY Shake, like the rest of the human male population. GEORGE What are you talking about? Plenty of people tap. George and Jerry sit back down at their seats in the stadium. KRAMER site next to them. Jerry hands Kramer a beer. Kramer grabs it with great enthusiasm. Jerry smiles at the pretty BLONDE WOMAN behind him. KRAMER So what’s going on? JERRY Well I just discovered that George is a tapper. 3.

Kramer shakes violently. Looks over at George with great passion. KRAMER What are you thinking man?! That’s a fragile instrument! You could DAMAGE that thing! (a beat, to George) I thought I knew you. Kramer’s commotion is apparent. It is somewhat distracting to the other fans. Jerry looks back at the pretty BLONDE WOMAN in a seat behind him. JERRY Sorry about this, we just learned my friend here is a tapper. BLONDE WOMAN Ah... we women don’t have to worry about that. JERRY Well, then you’re lucky. BLONDE WOMAN Yeah... but we have childbirth. JERRY Ah, Touche. Jerry and the Blonde Woman continue to talk as Kramer looks at George with disgust. George sulks in his seat.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jerry enters the apartment alone. He throws off the baseball cap and puts the game program down on the table. His phone rings. JERRY Hello?

EXT. BUSY MANHATTAN STREET - NIGHT Elaine walks on the street, holding her cellphone. She attempts to talk above the street noise. 4.

ELAINE Jerry? Hey it’s Elaine. How was the game? JERRY (v.o.) It was great, where are you? ELAINE I’m on the street. Look I need a favor, I have an work thing tomorrow night and I need a date, can you make it? JERRY Yeah, tomorrow... Oh, not going to work. I’m going out with someone tomorrow. ELAINE Who? Who do you know? JERRY Just a woman I met at the game today. ELAINE Really? Elaine shuffles through people, only to walk by a rather PERVERTED LOOKING MAN, who stares her up and down. She looks back at him with a digusted look. ELAINE (CONT’D) (to man) NOT INTERESTED!!! Unaware of her surroundings, she bumps straight into a tall, well-built man dressed impeccably in a suit. He turns around. He’s gorgeous, with strong Latin features. Elaine instantly changes. ELAINE (CONT’D) Interested... very interested. The man looks puzzled, but smiles. LATIN MAN I’m sorry? Elaine dropped her phone on the ground when she was bumped. The Latin Man notices. 5.

LATIN MAN (CONT’D) You have dropped your phone... Allow me to get it. The Latin Man bends over to pick it up. Elaine is aware of his phenomenal backside physique. Through the phone Jerry is yelling. JERRY Hello... ? Hello?! The Latin Man hears the voice in the phone. LATIN MAN I’m sorry, you were talking with someone? ELAINE Oh, he’s nothing. LATIN MAN Que? JERRY HELLO!? ELAINE I mean, it was nothing. Jerry continues to yell into the phone as Elaine hangs it up quickly. She tosses her hair with her hand playfully. ELAINE (CONT’D) I’m Elaine...

INT. COSTANZA HOME - NIGHT George arrives home from the game. He enters the house quietly. His father walks in abruptly. FATHER Where have you been? GEORGE At the ball game. It went into extra innings. FATHER And you couldn’t have called!? Your mother made Paella! 6.

MOTHER (from other room) Did you tell him I made Paella! FATHER (yelling to other room) Yes! I told him you made Paella! GEORGE I don’t want Paella! MOTHER What did he say!? FATHER (yelling) He said he doesn’t want you’re Paella! MOTHER He doesn’t want my Paella? Ask him what’s wrong!? FATHER What’s wrong son? GEORGE (stammering) Nothing’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about it. George tries to walk away, but his father stops him. FATHER If you’re not gonna eat your mother’s Paella, then you’re gonna talk about it! GEORGE Jerry... he made fun of me today. FATHER I never liked that boy. What was it? Your height, your hair? GEORGE What? No! (a beat) He mocked me for being a tapper. FATHER What is wrong with this culture? Tapping is the most effective way to ensure cleanliness. (MORE) 7. FATHER (CONT'D) How dare he make fun of a man for wanting to be sanitary! GEORGE Forget it. FATHER I’m a tapper, your grandfather was a tapper. General Frank A Costanza, the heralded general in the Union Army WAS A TAPPER! George’s father looks at him with fire and zeal. FATHER (CONT’D) Son, if you stop tapping, I’ll disown you.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT Jerry walks out of his apartment, dressed to go out. At the curb the BLONDE WOMAN stands next to an elegant white Mercedes. Jerry walks toward her. JERRY Nice car, I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. BLONDE WOMAN Very funny, it’s a company car. JERRY You keep good company then. BLONDE WOMAN You’re witty. JERRY (under his breath) I knew it. BLONDE WOMAN Why don’t you drive? She tosses him the keys. Jerry steps to the passenger side door. JERRY Allow me to get the door, milady. 8.

Jerry reaches for the door handle, only to see a small arc of electric current hit his fingers. Jerry steps back slightly and shudders. BLONDE WOMAN What’s wrong? JERRY Nothing, I’m sorry. The Blonde Woman reaches out with her hand on Jerry’s check and give him a quick kiss on the other cheek. BLONDE WOMAN You’re cute too. Jerry reaches over to the driver’s side door, only to find the car shocks him one more time. He recoils his hand back. JERRY Stupid Car... Jerry enters the vehicle. The Blonde Woman looks at him. BLOND WOMAN Did you say something? JERRY What? Oh, I said, “super car.” JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jerry and George sit on the couch watching television. The door rings. George goes to the door to get it. Elaine enters, looks at George. ELAINE What’s up, Mr. Tapper. George looks at Jerry. GEORGE You told her!? JERRY Hey, she has a right to know who her friends are. ELAINE So Jerry, how’d the date go? Kramer opens the door and walks into the room. 9.

KRAMER I have a friend over, do you have any beer? JERRY (to Krsmer) Fridge. JERRY (CONT’D) (to Elaine) It was great, she’s fun, beautiful... and she thinks I’m witty. Jerry flashes a quick look to George. George sinks a little in his chair. ELAINE So what’s the problem? JERRY Why does there always have to be a problem? Elaine flashes Jerry are “are you kidding me” sort of look. JERRY (CONT’D) Okay, it’s her car. ELAINE Too trashy? KRAMER Car smell funny? JERRY What? No! It... It just shocked me a little bit. ELAINE (baby voice) Too much for your wittle fingurs? KRAMER I love that feeling. I used to wear wool socks on my grandma’s bear skin rug, and then go up to her metal lamp and (shaking violently) BAM!!! Kramer recoils back, almost drops the drinks. He repositions. 10.

KRAMER (CONT’D) Makes you feel alive! ELAINE (sarcastic) So you gonna see her again then? JERRY Of course... In fact she invited us all to her country club tomorrow afternoon. ELAINE Sorry, I can’t. I have to get ready for MY date...? JERRY What, with whom? ELAINE With the man I bumped into that night when we were talking on the phone. He’s rich, and gorgeous and Latin. And he has the most elegant name: Leonardo Niño. (a beat) We hung out all night and we’re going out tomorrow. AND he wants to meet all of you on Friday night for dinner and drinks at La Contanda. GEORGE La Contanda?! I can’t even get reservations at La Contanda. ELAINE Yeah, that’s surprising for you. JERRY Okay, then who’s coming tomorrow? George? GEORGE I’ll be there. JERRY Kramer? KRAMER I wouldn’t miss that car FOR THE WORLD! 11.

EXT. COUNTRY CLUB ENTRANCE - DAY Jerry’s friends are in the Mercedes with the Blonde Woman. She pulls up to the front entrance. The well dressed valet steps up to get the door. The Blonde Woman waves him off. BLONDE WOMAN Jerry is such a gentlemen. (to Jerry) Can you get the door? GEORGE Oh he’s a gentlemen... Jerry? JERRY (talking under breath) Of course I’ll get it. Jerry exits the car, walks to the other side. THE DOOR HANDLE comes in full frame, glistening as it is viewed. Jerry approaches slowly. In slow motion an electric arc travels from the handle to his hand. Jerry recoils back in slow motion. The car door opens. BLONDE WOMAN gets out, pats Jerry on the cheek. BLONDE WOMAN You are sweet. Jerry smiles at her, but it turns to a scowl as soon as she exits frame. Kramer gets out of the car with a big smile on his face. He looks over at Jerry, gives him two huge thumbs up! with his fingers.

INT. COUNTRY CLUB DINNING ROOM - DAY The group gets ready to sit down at the table. Kramer leads the bunch. He walks up to a table of patrons. He talks with as much dignity as he can muster. KRAMER (TO TABLE) Hello my good men. Good show to you. 12.

JERRY (whispering) What you doing? Kramer waves at various tables. KRAMER I’m bonding. The group goes to sit at the table, the attendants behind them push in their chairs. Kramer is uncomfortable and jolts. GEORGE I’m going to the restroom. JERRY This is a shake only club. GEORGE People still tap, I’m gonna prove it to you!

INT. FANCY RESTROOM George has finished and walks up to the granite sinks. A well dressed BATHROOM ATTENDANT waits on him. There are numerous lotions and colognes on the counter. George samples various colognes. George grabs mints, gels and anything else he can grab. He looks over at the attendant. The man stares forward, pretending not to notice. George looks back at the man, then at the urinals, then at the man. A smile of inspiration crosses over his face.

EXT. SIDEWALK JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jerry and the Blonde Woman sit in the car. BLONDE WOMAN I had a great time. Your friends are... interesting. JERRY That’s a good word for it. BLONDE WOMAN It’s late. I’ve got work in the morning. (kissing Jerry) ) Grab my door for me? 13.

JERRY Actually, I thought you might want to just slide over. BLONDE WOMAN Ha! You are so witty. JERRY (under breath) Yeah, that’s it.

EXT. LOVERS LANE - NIGHT Jerry and the Blonde Woman are in the car. She plays with his hair. SHEILA I’ve never met a man as sensitive as warm as you are. Sheila leans in. SHEILA (CONT’D) And with such soft lips... She leans in to kiss him, as she gets close to his lips an arc of electric current shoots from her lips to his lips. Jerry screams in pain. Sheila looks at him. SHEILA (CONT’D) What’s wrong? Jerry looks over. Sheila is bathed in electric current. SHEILA (CONT’D) Kiss me, Jerry. JERRY No. Sheila leans closer. SHEILA Kiss me! She reaches out. Electricity shoots from her fingers. JERRY NOO!!! 14.

INTERIOR JERRY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jerry wakes up from his dream, drenched in sweat. JERRY (CONT’D) AAAHHHH!!!

INT. LA CONTANDA RESTAURANT - NIGHT In the crowded restaurant lobby, Elaine, George and Kramer stand waiting. Leonardo walks over from the hostess’ podium. LEONARDO I am sorry, they are saying we have to wait a few moments. I have given them my name. I apologize. ELAINE (to George and Kramer) See, Jerry never apologized for nothin’. LEONARDO Yes, where is your friend Jerry? I am looking forward to meeting him. ELAINE He should be here any moment. Kramer looks Leonardo over. KRAMER You look like a CONQUISTADOR! ELAINE Yep, any minute. Jerry walks up to the group. ELAINE (CONT’D) There he is. Leonardo reaches out his hand. LEONARDO Jerry, great to meet you. (looks behind Jerry) Where is your date? 15.

JERRY Oh, we are no longer seeing each other. LEONARDO I am sorry to hear that. Elaine takes Jerry aside. ELAINE You dumped her over her car? I can’t believe you are that shallow. The hostess at the table speaks up. HOSTESS L Niño, table is ready for L Niño. Elaine looks around as various people laugh at the name.

INT. RESTAURANT - AT TABLE The group is gathered, with many plates of food in front of them. It’s obvious they’ve eaten most of their meals. LEONARDO I am enjoying your company very much. You have to visit my estate, we will ride the horses. Why don’t you all come tomorrow. JERRY (jokingly) Well, I’ll have to check the WEATHER. George and Jerry laugh. LEONARDO This is how funny? JERRY Oh, it’s an inside joke. LEANARDO Ah, you Americans and your humor. You will make it then? GEORGE I have to work. 16.

JERRY You have to work? Where are you working?

INT. COUNTRY CLUB BATHROOM George is dressed as washroom attendant. He surveys the various people using the facilities. He leans over, writing in a journal a tally of tapping vs. shaking marks.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY Jerry calls Elaine. JERRY Hey Elaine, what time are we supposed to go today? ELAINE Yeah, we’re not going anymore. JERRY What? What happened? ELAINE I decided he wasn’t my type. JERRY He was truly tall, dark and handsome. That’s anyone’s type. ELAINE I don’t want to talk about it. JERRY You aren’t seeing him because of his name, are you? Oh, that’s shallow. ELAINE It’s your fault! JERRY How is it my fault? ELAINE Did you see how everyone laughed when they called his name. And you: “I’ll have to check the weather,” I knew you would never let it go. 17.

JERRY I would probably be a dark cloud over the relationship. ELAINE There you go! See? You would never give it up. JERRY Well there are only a fixed number of weather jokes... I’m sure I would be out of material in a few months.... or maybe every seven years or so. ELAINE I hate you. JERRY Hey, I didn’t mean to rain on your parade.

INT. COUNTRY CLUB BATHROOM George stands as an attendant in the restroom. There is a MAN at the urinal. George notices that as the man finishes; he taps. George goes out of his way to help the man. GEORGE Hello sir, it is an honor to meet you. Would you like some cologne? Take it, take the whole bottle!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jerry and Elaine are the apartment, the television is on. George bursts in the door. GEORGE I did it! I met a tapper at work today. ELAINE What is he talking about? JERRY George got a job as a bathroom attendant at the country club. 18.

ELAINE You are a sick, little man. GEORGE Mock all you want. But if there is one tapper than there are certainly more! George looks at Jerry. GEORGE (CONT’D) And what’s more? (a beat) I saw Sheila today, the Blonde with the Mercedes. And she’s got a new car. JERRY What?! GEORGE Yep, a black Range Rover. You may have missed out on your perfect woman. (to Elaine) How was the horseback riding? ELAINE We didn’t go. JERRY She stormed out on him. ELAINE You are not funny... or witty. JERRY Enough about L, what have I done with Sheila? GEORGE And this vehicle, doesn’t shock you. JERRY How would you know? GEORGE I walked up to it today. Nothing. ELAINE You were loitering around her car? 19.

JERRY Take me there. ELAINE You two have serious issues.

EXT. COUNTRY CLUB PARKING LOT - DAY Jerry and George drive up into the parking lot. GEORGE There’s her new car. Jerry gets out, George drives a little further. Jerry reaches out to touch the handle. Nothing! Jerry here’s a voice. VOICE (O.S.) Jerry? Jerry turns around. It’s Sheila. JERRY Uh, hey Sheila. Look I can explain. SHEILA You came back to apologize didn’t you? JERRY Yep, that’s it. Look I was a fool. SHEILA Yes, you were. JERRY Can we try it one more time? SHEILA Sure. Look I’ve got to run. I’ll pick you up tomorrow? JERRY Great!

EXT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY Jerry walks out of his apartment. Sheila is waiting at the curb... in the white Mercedes. 20.

SHEILA Hey Jerry, ready to go? JERRY Uh, yeah, but where’s the car? SHEILA What do you mean? JERRY (whining) The black Range Rover? Didn’t you buy a new black Range Rover? SHEILA Oh, that was a friend’s car I borrowed while my car was in the shop. (a beat) Can you be a dear and get the door for me? Jerry tries to pinch himself. JERRY Wake up, wake up! Sheila looks over at him. SHEILA What are you doing? Let’s go.

INT. COUNTRY CLUB BATHROOM George stands in the bathroom dressed in his attendant clothing. He looks at the man at the urinal. Into the room enter two men in official looking suits. They walk up to George. MAN 1 Sir, we need you to come with us. GEORGE Why? What’s going on? MAN 2 Sir, please don’t make a scene. MAN 1 We’ve had complaints that you have been eyeing the guests as they have been using the facilities. 21.

MAN 2 That’s sick sir. MAN 1 We need to escort you out of the building. George gets nervous, steps back. GEORGE Look, this is all a big misunderstanding! MAN 2 Let’s go sir.

EXT. COUNTRY CLUB BATHROOM George is being carted out by the two men. George is resisting. GEORGE I just wanted to know who tapped! I just wanted to know who tapped. The two men cart George out the front door.

INT. MERCEDES ON JERRY’S STREET Jerry and Sheila sit in the car. Jerry is sulking. SHEILA So where should we go? Fidos or Giovannis? Jerry looks over at her. JERRY I’m sorry, but this just isn’t working out.

INT. POLICE STATION George is sitting in the station with an officer at a desk. The officer is staring at George with extreme skepticism. George is a mess. Another officer enters the scene. 22.

OFFICER 2 We tried to contact your friend, Mr. Seinfeld, but we were unable to reach him. Do you have anyone else that can vouch for you? George looks up. GEORGE Elaine! Call Elaine!

INT. HOTEL LOBBY Elaine sits on a couch in a hotel lobby. She’s talking on the phone. ELAINE A George Costanza. Caught for peeping? Yeah, Officer, I’ve never heard of him.

INT. POLICE STATION OFFICER 2 I’m sorry, she says she never heard of you.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY Elaine can hear George screaming through the phone. A voice breaks over the noise. VOICE Excuse Me? Elaine looks up. A very handsome man stands in front of her. He is well dressed with red hair and very Scottish features. MAN I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you are. Elaine hangs up the phone as George continues to be heard screaming. ELAINE You aren’t so bad yourself. 23.

MAN Look, I’m here for a convention, and I’ve got a press conference, but I would love to take you to dinner when I’m done. ELAINE (playing with her hair again) Well, that sounds wonderful. MAN (reaching out his hand) I’m Hamish, Hamish McCheeys ELAINE Elaine, Elaine Benes. Two very official looking men walk up to the MAN. OFFICAL LOOKING MAN 1 Mayor, we need to go now. HAMISH Just one moment. (to Elaine) So around 8pm, here in this lobby? ELAINE (now distracted) Wait a minute... your name is MAYOR McCHEEYs? Hamish nods. ELAINE (CONT’D) Yeah, I’ll call you. Elaine gets up, starts to walks away. HAMISH But you don’t have my number! Elaine walks away and does not even look back, she reaches her hand up as if to say, “Yeah, I’m done here.” FADE OUT. THE END