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Seeing Ourselves as God Does

! TABLE OF CONTENTS Click on the study title or! article you’d like to see: Study 1: WHERE DO WE GET SELF-WORTH?

Study 2: LONGING TO HEAR GOD’S VOICE

Study 3: HARNESSING STRESS

Study 4: FINDING CONFIDENCE

Study 5: THE JOY OF BEING CONTENT

Study 6: HEALTHY BODY, HEALTHY SPIRIT

Study 7: EQUAL OPPORTUNITY FRIENDSHIPS

Study 8: THE MORE FRIENDS THE MERRIER

Study 9: AMONG FRIENDS

Study 10: CULTIVATING FRIENDSHIPS

Study 11: WORDS OF WISDOM

Study 12: MAKING UNLIKELY FRIENDS

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LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 1 Where Do We Get Self-Worth? In a culture that idolizes physical beauty and physique, where do we find our personal worth?

When physical beauty, intelligence, athletic ability, or talent is the basis for self-esteem, the average person can have feelings of inferiority, emptiness, longing, and worthlessness. Shea M. Gregory, in an article for TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, humorously shared her struggles with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. She ultimately realized her value was not based on physical appearance, but on God’s love and sacrifice for her. This, in turn, helped her to focus on the inner beauty that God develops in his children, rather than the outward appearance seen by man.

Upon what should our self-worth be based? What gives us value as human beings? How can we focus on inner beauty in a culture seemingly obsessed with physical beauty? Is it possible to find our worth in God alone?

Lesson #1

Scripture:

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Where Do We Get Self-Worth? Page !2 Exodus 4:1–17; 1 Samuel 16:1–13; Psalm 139:1–18; Isaiah 43:1–4; Romans 5:8, 8:37–39

Based on: “Pretty Woman,” by Shea M. Gregory, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, September/October 1997, Vol. 19, No. 5, Page 78 !

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Pretty Woman” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). When we compare ourselves to others, or a culturally perfect standard of acceptance, we can begin to have doubts about our own worth and acceptability. The term self-esteem is usually used to define how we view ourselves. The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as “pride in oneself.” Our culture stresses the importance of building self-esteem, saying we need to build ourselves up in pride to feel good about who we are. We attempt to do this by self-improvement methods. However, this often leads to discrepancy between who we are and who we want to be, and our views about ourselves can actually be diminished. Current trends of extreme makeovers, liposuction, plastic surgery, Botox, and airbrushed supermodels can add to our dissatisfaction. As believers, we need to focus neither on our self-esteem nor pride in our abilities, accomplishments, or outward physique, but rather on our self-worth and value as seen through the lens of God’s Word.

Discussion starters:

[Q] What does our contemporary western culture tell us about a person’s value?

[Q] What advertisements, commercials, or television programs come to mind that stress the importance of physical beauty, intelligence, or athletic prowess? How do media affect how we view ourselves? What benefits are there to these messages? What disadvantages or damage can these messages cause?

[Q] What do you think gives a person value? Explain the basis for your conclusion.

[Q] With what issues of self-esteem or self-worth have you struggled? What gives you feelings of self-worth, self-acceptance, or worthiness? Is there a common thread of experience that leads to these positive feelings?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: God affirms us by loving us unconditionally. Read Isaiah 43:1–4, Romans 5:8, and Romans 8:37–39. Shea M. Gregory says that in her struggle with self-esteem, she yelled at her brother, “What do I have to do to get a little affirmation around here?!” All of us long for affirmation that we are valuable and loved. In the search for this affirmation that we are loved, however, we can fall into the trap of attempting to make ourselves acceptable or worthy. What Shea Gregory found is true for us as well. God loves us unconditionally. He loves us even with all of our faults. He loves us with an unending love, and nothing can ever separate us from that love. He loved us enough to die for us. In that great love of God, we can find our true worth. Our value is not in what we look like, how smart we are, or how many muscles we have developed. We don’t have to have strong abs, perfect teeth, or buns of steel. We have value because God says we do. We are precious to him and honored. He loved us enough to go to the cross to die for us; because of that we know we are valuable and loved.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Where Do We Get Self-Worth? Page !4 [Q] In longing to be loved and affirmed, with what fears do you struggle? What behaviors can these fears produce? How can these behaviors be damaging? How does God’s perfect love cast out fear? How does this help us to accept ourselves and be happy with the person God created us to be?

[Q] Why is it important for us to know God calls us by name? What does it mean, in Isaiah 43, that we are his? How does this make you feel?

[Q] We can fall into wrong thinking that God loves us because we are good, yet in Romans 5:8, God says that he died for us while we were still sinners. How does this give us assurance that God’s love for us in not dependent upon us?

[Q] Romans 8 tells us that nothing can separate us from God’s love. What have you feared might separate you from God’s love? Why do you think God lists specifics of what cannot separate us from his love? Which of these is most meaningful to you? Why?

Teaching point two: God made us, and all his works are wonderful. Read Psalm 139:1–18. David said we were knit or woven together by God in our mother’s womb, and that God’s eyes were on our unformed body. These words imply a step-by-step process that demonstrates God’s attention to detail. Our Creator loves us so intimately that he cares about every detail in our lives. He knows what we are doing every moment of every day. He understands our thoughts and is familiar with all our ways, including our habits, idiosyncrasies, and motives. He knows what we are going to say before we do, and anywhere we go he is already there. God is holy and perfect in all he does. He makes no mistakes; yet often we, his creatures, look at ourselves and are displeased with what he created. Psalm 139 tells us we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” David said he knew that “full well.” Today’s generation does not seem to have that same assurance that we are created well. Instead of believing the world’s image, which points out what they see as flaws, we should believe God’s truth that we are wonderfully made. God made us all uniquely and creatively, yet we seem to strive to fit the idea of beauty imagined by man. Not only does this criticize God’s work, but it lowers our feelings of self- worth.

[Q] Which of your attributes have you wished you could change? Why? Think back to specific situations where you began to wish these attributes were different. What precipitated your longing to be different from what you are? Are there situations where working to change your attributes would be a good thing? Give examples.

[Q] What does Psalm 139 say about how God made us? What are the implications from this passage about his attention to detail? What do you think God’s thoughts are about how he made us? How should that affect our thoughts?

[Q] Different cultures have different ideas about what is beautiful. How do we form our ideas about what is beautiful? Why do we develop standards of beauty? What standards of beauty from around the world would our culture not consider beautiful? What are the implications from the idea that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”?

[Q] Why does God create us all uniquely? Think about nature. How does diversity actually increase beauty? How does diversity glorify God, the Creator?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Where Do We Get Self-Worth? Page !5 [Q] How would life be different if we accepted each other the way God created us, believing that we were “fearfully and wonderfully made”? How would we feel differently about ourselves? About others?

Teaching point three: God does not focus on our earthy bodies, which are temporal and quickly wither and fade, but on our souls, which are eternal. Read 1 Samuel 16:1–13. God looks past our exterior to the inner issues of the heart. He focuses on our thoughts, motives, and intentions. He cares about developing our souls, which are eternal, much more than he cares about our physical appearance, which he says quickly withers like grass. Do we have a heart that wants to follow and obey him? Do we love him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength? Do we love others as much as we do ourselves? Do we use the attributes, talents, and skills he has given us to puff ourselves up or to glorify him and love and help others? The inner beauty of a soul that seeks hard after God will last for eternity.

[Q] Why did Samuel think Eliab would be the one God would choose as king? What physical features might Eliab have had that Samuel thought might be beneficial for a king, or that might have impressed Samuel? Why did God tell Samuel not to focus on outward appearance?

[Q] Why do humans focus so much attention on the outward appearance? What specific physical characteristics do we see as important, and why? How can a person’s outer appearance keep us from focusing on his/her inner qualities?

[Q] Why did God choose David instead of Eliab? What heart qualities do you think God was looking for in a king? In us?

[Q] We tend to focus a lot of time and attention on improving our outward appearance. Why do we do this? Our outer appearance can be improved some, but even those improvements are temporal, because our bodies quickly deteriorate and die. Time is truly the great equalizer for physical beauty. When we focus on developing our soul, character, and thus our inner beauty, we are making improvements that are eternal. When we examine ourselves, what qualities should we be working to improve? How do we do this?

[Q] How can remembering that God looks at our heart, not our outward appearance, help us in our feelings of self-worth?

Teaching point four: Fear of failure, lack of confidence, and procrastination are all by-products of low self-worth that can keep us from accomplishing God’s will in our lives. Read Exodus 4:1–17. In this passage, Moses struggled with fear of failure, lack of confidence, and feelings of inadequacy. These strong emotions kept him from accomplishing what God wanted him to do. First, Moses dealt with fear of not being believed or respected, and then he focused on his physical limitations. When Moses told God his list of reasons about why he could not possibly accomplish all God wanted, God did not try to convince Moses that he didn’t have inadequacies, nor did he tell him to work on improving his inadequacies before God could use him. Instead, God reminded Moses that he knew all about his shortcomings, because he had made him, and that he was capable of working out any difficulties Moses faced. God promised to help Moses. Moses, however, continued to focus on his inadequacies despite God’s reassurances. God is not limited by our inadequacies. Moses was focused on completing the task in his own strength, instead of relying on God to accomplish his plan. When our fears are stronger than our trust in God, we are disobedient.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Where Do We Get Self-Worth? Page !6 [Q] What fear of failure did Moses have? What feelings of inadequacy did he deal with? Why do you think he was lacking in confidence?

[Q] How did God reassure Moses? Why do you think Moses persisted in his belief that he was inadequate, despite God’s reassurances? What was God’s response to Moses when Moses continued in his insecurities, despite God’s reassurances? Why do you think God responded this way?

[Q] What blessing would Moses have missed by letting his fears control him?

[Q] How can our dissatisfaction with ourselves or lack of confidence keep us from God’s assigned work? What would you like to do for God’s kingdom that you have not had the confidence to tackle?

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

When we focus on loving God and others rather than thinking about ourselves, our feelings of inadequacy and inferiority diminish. Feelings of inferiority or lack of self-confidence can keep us from the work God has called us to do. When we rely on God’s strength instead of our own, we will use our talents, abilities, and all God has given us for his glory.

[Q] What talents or abilities can you use for God’s glory that you have previously been afraid to use?

[Q] What talents or abilities can you use to love God’s people that you have previously been afraid to use?

[Q] What blessings have you missed because you have allowed your feelings of inadequacy to keep you from all that God has for you?

Optional Activities ♦ Develop a plan, together with short-term goals, to accomplish something for God that you have been afraid to do until now. ♦ As a group, think of a service project that would include some element of risk. Then do it. ♦ Have each person in your group write her name on an index card. Pass the card around the group. Use this as an opportunity to edify one another by recording inner qualities of beauty, strength, or character you see God developing in each person. Conclude with prayer, asking God to help you see yourself through the filter of his Word and to give you the courage and confidence you need to take risks for his kingdom.

—Study prepared by Julie Kloster, speaker and freelance writer

Additional Resources

• ChristianBibleStudies.com • Self-Esteem: Devotions by Christian Musicians

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Where Do We Get Self-Worth? Page !7 • The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Jay E. Adams (Harvest House Publishers, 1986; ISBN 0890815534)

• Christ-Centered Self-Esteem: Seeing Ourselves Through God’s Eyes, Charles C. Gerber (College Press Publishing Co, 2001; ISBN 0899006493)

• The New Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, Dennis Rainey (Thomas Nelson, 1995; ISBN 0785278249)

• The New Hide or Seek: Building Self-Esteem in Your Child, James Dobson (Baker, 2001; ISBN 0800756800)

• Self Esteem: The Cross and Christian Confidence, Allister & Joanna McGrath (Good News Publishing, 2002; ISBN 158134371X)

• Self-Esteem: Seeing Ourselves as God Sees Us, Jack Kuhatschek (InterVarsity Press, 2002; ISBN 0830830650)

• Overcoming the Rating Game: Beyond Self-Love Beyond Self-Esteem, Paul Hauck (Westminster/John Knox, 1992; ISBN 0664253105)

• Wanting to Be Her: Body Image Secrets Victoria Won’t Tell You, Michelle Graham (InterVarsity Press, 2005; ISBN 0830832661) ! !

By Shea M. Gregory, for the study, “Where Do We Get Self-Worth?”

When I was a little girl, I used to wonder if, before we were born, we stood in line in heaven and requested our lives. “Ah,” I imagined a large angel with an imposing wing span speaking to me, “you’re going to be a girl. Very well, what would you like? Long legs? A great figure? Fame? Fortune?” Innocently I answered him, “If you please, sir, I’d like … a nice personality.” And with no time to reconsider—Zap!—I was born and here I am. Less than five feet tall, not-so-straight teeth, blotchy skin, and enough of a figure for two women. Once, I asked my brother if he thought I was pretty. He glanced up at me from his sheet music and told me to go away. “Darnell, I’m serious,” I whined. “Am I pretty?” Realizing the only way to get me to leave was to answer me, he took a deep breath and looked me over from head to toe. “Your face is all right,” he said finally. “You have a quirky personality. You’re okay.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, my voice rising. “So, what you’re saying is, I’m too fat and I act like a fool!” “That’s not what I said,” he answered calmly, returning to his work. “That’s not what you said? That’s exactly what you said!” I spit out at him. “You said no guy will ever want me because I’m ugly and I’m stupid! What do I have to do to get a little affirmation around here?!” I yelled, storming from the room. So this was my life. Throughout it I struggled with feelings of ugliness and inadequacy. My friends had good looks, skinny ankles, and straight teeth. They got asked out on dates. I got dates on a fruit tray at Christmas. They became homecoming queens and cheerleaders while I wallowed in a state of below averageness, longing to be an airbrushed model, waiting to wake up beautiful. Then one day I met Jesus. A girlfriend had invited me to church. As I sang along with the rest of the voices lifted in worship, I was overcome by a sense of guilt and

Copyright © 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Pretty Woman Page !2 unworthiness. This wonderful God we were singing about, how could he love fat and ugly me? But during the service I began to realize that God does love me—just as I am. That day I accepted God’s love and sacrifice for me. Over time I’ve gained the assurance that he loves me more than I can imagine and that I’m truly beautiful in the way that matters most—on the inside. But my old negative feelings about myself didn’t immediately disappear. Some days, they came in droves, and I struggled to battle them off. Like the time I met with my friends Diane and Leona for lunch. I was thirtysomething, reaching my sexual prime, unmarried, and retaining water. It wasn’t a good day. We met at a local restaurant and the topic of conversation quickly turned to men. “So, how’s Eugene?” Diane asked. Leona waved her hand. “Oh, please, no,” she answered. “You’re not seeing him anymore?” I asked. “Girl, that was two weeks ago,” she replied, “and we weren’t really seeing each other. We were just, you know, talkin’.” “Oh,” Diane and I replied in unison. “No!” Leona stressed emphatically and started naming other guys she’d met recently. “What I want to know is how and where you meet these men?” Diane queried. Leona sighed heavily as if disgusted by it all. Personally, I was on the edge of my seat, ready to take mental notes. At the first opportune moment, I’d run to the bathroom and write it all down on a square of toilet paper. She took a slow, laborious bite of her sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. Please answer the question, I thought to myself. I was holding my breath. My future hung in the balance between Leona’s answer and pastrami on rye. She took too long. I reached over and moved her plate to the other end of the table. “Spill the beans, now!” I hissed. Leona pouted as if I’d hurt her feelings, then rolled her eyes. She’d seen this look before. It was ugly. My glare spoke envy. It exposed my desperation and longing, all the feelings a mature Christian woman should have been able to rise above. But this Plainer-Than-Jane was sick and tired of being quirky. I wanted a man. “Where are the men? How do I get one?” I whispered. Leona pursed her lips. But I held my ground. No info, no sandwich. I won. “You know how it is,” she said. “You walk out the door and men ask you out on a date.”

! ! ARTICLE Pretty Woman Page !3 What?! “Oh,” I replied softly. Obviously I lived in the wrong neighborhood. I looked to Diane. After a few moments she remembered she had food in her mouth and closed it. “You girls know what it’s like,” Leona continued. “You can’t even walk to the car these days without having men stop to talk to you.” “No, Leona,” I said flatly. “I don’t know what it’s like.” “Oh, girl, yes you do,” she insisted. I watched Leona. She was drop-dead beautiful from head to toe. Her movements were soft and flowing, her voice soft, sultry. Every hair was in place and her fashionable clothes fit perfectly. I tried to remember the last time I’d visited a beauty salon and thought of the four-year-old bra I was wearing, held together with a carefully placed safety pin. I felt very inadequate. “Do men ask you out every time you walk out your door?” I asked Diane later that afternoon when she dropped me off at home. “No,” she said. “Me neither. Do you think I should move to a different street?” My friend looked at me searchingly. Looking at me like that, she reminded me a lot of my brother. Waving good-bye, I got an idea. It came to me suddenly, like a craving for chocolate. I ran to the house and into the bedroom, stripped, and stood naked in front of the mirror. After the initial shock wore off, I peered at myself from every imaginable angle, trying to catch my best side. If I can accentuate my best angle, I’ll be asked out all the time, too, I thought to myself. Finally, however, I gave up and did humanity a favor by putting my clothes back on. Self-esteem depleted, I hung my head and was ready to fling myself onto the bed in despair when I saw my Bible next to my pillow. I opened it to Psalm 139. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” is what the psalmist said in verse 14. “I know God, but … ,” I began to protest; then the words of 1 Samuel, chapter 16 came to mind. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (v. 7). I was thoughtful for a few moments. Then, hesitantly, I got up and peeked back in the mirror. All of me was still there, every lovin’ inch. “Well, God,” I said, still looking at my not-so-perfect, ample reflection, “Your Word says I’m special, so it must be so.” The face smiling back at me winked knowingly. I said a short prayer of thanksgiving and did the best thing I could have possibly done for myself at that moment. I went shopping. Leona’s married now. She says she was just walking down the street. “You know how it is downtown, girl. You walk past a store and all the guys come out. They ask you out; they ask you to marry them. So one day …” ! ! ARTICLE Pretty Woman Page !4 I’ve walked down that street a hundred times and no shop owner or clerk ever asked me anything, not even what time it was. It was hard, but I forced myself to face reality. They must’ve all been busy with customers when I went past. Obviously, they hadn’t read 1 Samuel lately. I asked my brother recently, “Darnell, am I pretty?” He smiled. “You’re a precious pearl,” he said, “a beautiful, godly woman.” Guess we’ve both improved over the years.

—Shea M. Gregory is a freelance writer living in California.

“Pretty Woman,” TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, September/October 1997, Vol. 19, No. 5, Page 78 ! !

! ! !

LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 2 Longing to Hear God’s Voice What to do when life is dark and heaven’s quiet.

Sometimes no matter what trials we face, we hold onto God’s promise that he will never leave us nor forsake us. Other times we wobble a bit but reach out and take the Father’s hand when things become shaky. The times of greatest struggle come after we’ve prayed, pleaded, and pursued God with all our strength and we hear nothing.

Are there times in our lives when God does leave us? Is God’s silence evidence of his inactivity? What should we do when it seems God is silent? This study will attempt to answer some of these questions.

Lesson #2

Scripture: Genesis 37, 50:20; Numbers 23:19; Psalm 42:8, 46:10; Isaiah 43:2; Acts 16:25; Hebrews 13:5; 1 John 3:2

Based on: “When God Is Silent,” by Verla Gillmor, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, March/April 2003, Vol. 25, No. 2, Page 44

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Longing to Hear God’s Voice ! Page !2

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “When God is Silent” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). In our day-to-day living we encounter people who are going through difficulties. We may be one of those people. And yet, with our Bibles open on our end tables and Christian radio stations at our fingertips, encouragement is near. One day we look back and marvel at how far we’ve come by God’s grace, until there comes a dark period in our lives when we send up prayers that seem to ricochet off the walls. We pray and pray, hearing no response, and inevitably start questioning if God really cares. With each passing day our seeds of discouragement grow into resentments, triggered by comparisons of what looks like worry-free Christians to the right and left of us. We painstakingly listen to answers God has given them, as we quietly hurt inside with feelings of abandonment and unanswered questions. If only we could believe what God promises in Scripture, that he will never leave us nor forsake us. And yet, we feel alone.

Discussion starters:

[Q] What are some examples of unanswered prayers in your life? What particulars did you pray about? Were they for you or for someone else?

[Q] Think of some dark time in your life. What did you find most helpful?

[Q] What was the longest period of time you experienced God’s silence? Share some of the advice you received from others and your response to it.

[Q] Describe how your relationship with God changed when you were going through a dark time in your life.

[Q] What are some of the words you have shared to encourage someone going through a rough time?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: We are never alone. Sandra P. Aldrich, in her book Will I Ever Be Whole Again?, talks about the death of her husband and feeling spiritually abandoned. She demanded to know why God wasn’t talking to her. She recalled holding her children when they were injured. She didn’t speak but merely held them against her heart, surrounding their hurt with her love. As she cried out in her own pain, she realized that was what the Lord was now doing for her. Read Hebrews 13:5. God promises he will never leave us nor forsake us. We have to hold onto the promises of God when we see nothing. He cannot go back on his promises, or he is no longer is God. Read Genesis 37. In the story of Joseph, when his brothers devised a plan to throw him in a pit and get rid of him because of their jealousy, God remained with Joseph. Again and again

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Longing to Hear God’s Voice Page !4 Scripture tells us the Lord was with Joseph. God doesn’t back away when things get rough for his children. God is not a fair-weather friend. Read Isaiah 43:2. God explains that no matter what happens to us, he will keep us safe. It is comforting to know that no matter what is on the road ahead of us, we do not walk alone. He promised.

[Q] At the beginning of her article, Verla Gillmor said, “When I thought nothing was happening, God in fact had me in training.” What are some of the experiences in your life God used for your training grounds? Did you know you were in training at the time? If not, what did you think was happening?

[Q] “God is faithful.” Share some situations where you struggled with that truth in the midst of your trials. What turned the struggle around for you? Is there a trial you currently face that is challenging your faith? Talk about it.

[Q] Although Scripture tells us we are never alone, describe a time when you felt alone. What gave you comfort at that time?

[Q] Gillmor makes reference to how King David felt abandoned by God but nonetheless knew he was never out of God’s sight. Mention a time when you felt out of God’s sight. Were you? How do you know?

[Q] Gillmor also talks about solitude and how silence shifts the emphasis of a relationship away from words and transactions to intimacy where no words are necessary. What would it take to have that kind of relationship?

Teaching point two: God can be trusted. Read Numbers 23:19. God will do whatever he says he’ll do. We can count on the fact that he will always be with us. And when we can’t hear him, we are given the opportunity to trust him. Read Psalm 42:8. David’s relationship with the Lord was one of trust. Though he experienced times when the Lord felt distant, David knew God kept his Word. We are to remember in the night what God has told us in the day. David knew how to do that. He was constantly meditating on who God was. Floyd McClung Jr. explains in The Father Heart of God that if we want to learn to trust God and know him as our father, as David did, we need to humble ourselves before him. When things go wrong, we can either look for God’s reasons or become hard and proud. The apostle Paul also knew how to trust God. Read Acts 16:25. Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God. That is not surprising until we realize where they were singing their praises. How could Paul and Silas sing in prison? They could because the Lord was worthy of praise. He is always worthy of praise; it has nothing to do with what is going on in our lives.

[Q] Does your trust level reflect a mature relationship, one that is in process, or one that needs work? What is preventing you from moving to the next level?

[Q] If you were in Paul and Silas’s situation, what would the prisoners be hearing from you? Share a time when you were joyous in your trials.

[Q] Describe some ways God has built up your trust muscles. Share specifics.

[Q] If you’re a parent, share an example of when one of your children learned to trust you.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Longing to Hear God’s Voice Page !5 Teaching point three: The dark is necessary. Read Genesis 50:20. When Joseph was in prison, he was told two different times that others would speak on his behalf to get him out of there. They forgot, so he continued to sit in prison for a crime he never committed. Theodore Epp in Joseph, God Planned It for Good, states how easy it would have been for Joseph to have thought God had forgotten him. But there is no indication that Joseph felt sorry for himself. He patiently waited to be released from prison in God’s time. He was learning many spiritual lessons by the things he was suffering. Joseph decided against bitterness. It’s easy to let the circumstances in our lives determine what kind of people we will become. Some people have gone through horrendous situations and yet you could never tell by looking at them. Instead of lines of bitterness etched on their faces, there are laugh lines. Somewhere along the way they decided to trust God, causing them to grow. Joseph was that kind of person. He said to his brothers, who had purposed to get rid of him, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.” Joseph saw God and his purposes as bigger than anything that crossed his path. Joseph saw God as sovereign. Since God is producing fruit in our lives, we merely need to submit to his gardening methods. We wish it could be like the magical story Jack and the Beanstalk, planting seeds and getting instant results, but not with the fruit of the Spirit. As God teaches us patience, he does it with trials; as he teaches us joy, it is in the midst of sadness. He grows love in us by surrounding us with the unlovely. And yet, when his purposes are complete, we will look like his wonderful Son. Read 1 John 3:2. Day after day we go through different experiences, but God uses each one to conform us to the image of his Son. Every experience is a tool in the Master’s hands; not one is wasted. If we trust in God when it is dark, we will grow.

[Q] Gillmor said in her article that while she was waiting on God, her prayers became less about getting answers and more about connecting with God himself. Where are you in your prayer life? Do you think God wants to hear our petitions? Why or why not?

[Q] What has attributed to your biggest growth spurts?

[Q] How would Joseph’s life have looked different if he chose not to forgive his brothers? How does our unwillingness to forgive affect our growth?

[Q] What valuable lessons have you learned from your dark times? What would you like to see God teach you through such times?

Teaching point four: Silence is not always golden. Read Psalm 46:10. There are times we are to sit quietly. There are other times when the silence we are experiencing is our doing. One reason it can seem God is silent is because he’s not saying what we want to hear. When a child has asked to go to a friend’s house and the answer is no, the child can block out everything but the desired response. Maybe we are the ones giving the silent treatment. David was a man who loved God and was honest with him. We can do the same. God’s shoulders are large. We can come before him and tell him exactly how we feel. Disappointments don’t have to grow to the point we distance ourselves from our Maker. We can turn to God’s Word for encouragement, instruction, and enlightenment. The more we learn his Word, the clearer we see, and the better we hear. Our inability to hear him may be the direct result of our closed heart. Saturating ourselves with the truth can bring to light any wayward thoughts we possess.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Longing to Hear God’s Voice Page !6 [Q] Share a time when you were angry with God. Was yours a silent anger, or did you tell him how you felt? What was helpful to you at that time?

[Q] Share reasons why it may be difficult to read God’s Word when he seems distant.

[Q] Who else in Scripture became angry with God? How did they resolve their anger?

[Q] Mention other things we do when we are unable to express our anger to God.

[Q] Share a time when someone was angry with you for a period of time. How did the situation get resolved?

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

Whether the silence is real or imagined, there are times in our lives when it seems God is silent. To live the abundant life Jesus talks about in Scripture, we need to keep our communication open with the Lord. Relationships are two sided. We need to read God’s Word, where we will learn about him and his attributes; we need to spend time with his people, which will further reinforce what we know about him; and we need to be open with him, actively pursuing him. In answering the question of why some find God in a way that others do not, A. W. Tozer tells us the will of God is the same for all. He has no favorites in his household. What he has ever done for any of his children, he will do for all of his children. The difference lies with us. (The Pursuit of God, Christian Publications, 1993).

[Q] What is standing in the way of God being the biggest thing in your life?

[Q] What would it look like to actively seek God? Where are you on a scale of 1–10?

[Q] What are some obstacles to you being still before God? How does the world work against this?

[Q] Who can you think of right now that may be going through a dark time in their walk with God? What could you share with them about the value of our trials?

—Study by Anne Peterson, a published poet, speaker, ! and ongoing student of God’s Word. Additional Resources

• ChristianBibleStudies.com -Where Is God in This Mess? -When God Says No -The Elijah Chronicles

• Waiting: Finding Hope When God Is Silent, Ben Patterson (InterVarsity Press, 1991; ISBN 0830812962)

• Waiting for Morning: Hearing God’s Voice in the Darkness, Cindy Crosby (Baker, 2001; ISBN 0801012228)

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Longing to Hear God’s Voice Page !7 • When God Is Silent, Barbara Brown Taylor (Cowley Publications, 1998; ISBN 1561011576)

• When God Is Silent, Charles Swindoll (Thomas Nelson, 2005; ISBN 1404101470) • When God Sees Me Through, Anita Corrine Donihue (Barbour, 2000; ISBN 1577489772)

• When Prayers Are Not Answered, Elizabeth Rockwood (Henrickson Publishers, 1997; ISBN 0310217415) !

By Verla Gillmor, for the study, “Longing to Hear God’s Voice”

Not too long ago, it seemed as though God had packed up, moved far away, and left me no forwarding address. I was unable to sense his promptings and overall presence as I searched for him during trying times. I felt abandoned, confused, and terribly alone. The year actually had started out on an opposite note. In January, I’d realized a lifelong dream—the publication of my first book. The spring months were jammed with talk-show interviews and a stepped-up speaking schedule. Blessings were everywhere. In the midst of it all, God gave me a vision to start a new ministry for Christians in the workplace. I was on a roll. With great excitement, I raced through all the open doors. My quiet times were rich, God’s directions were clear, and all the lights were green. As long as God kept guiding, directing, leading, and blessing, I felt I could handle all the pressure and change. Then, a recession in the summer of 2001 slowed my small consulting business. I was worried because I now had the added expenses of launching a new ministry. I hoped that by fall, everything would be back to normal. Little did I know the events of September 11 were right around the corner. After 9-11, “bad-to-worse” took on a whole new meaning. The economy reeled. Clients stopped paying their bills and called off future projects. Speaking engagements were canceled. The stress caused my fibromyalgia to flare and a relentless cycle of pain, fatigue, and depression followed. To top it all off, my health insurance provider filed for bankruptcy. Daily I approached God with growing concern. “Okay, God, I’m sure you’ve got a plan. Show me what I’m supposed to do here. I need you now more than ever. I’m a middle-aged woman on my own. I’m physically hurting, emotionally spent. How should I deal with this?” The silence was deafening.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE When God Seems Silent Page !2 My prayers became more strident: “God, this is not the time to play hide-and-seek. I’m facing some serious anxiety here. Now would be an especially good time to hear from you!” When I thought nothing was happening, God, in fact, had me in training. For more than two decades, the Holy Spirit had filled my head and heart with comfort, encouragement, leadings, inklings, instructions—even in the rockiest of times. But for the next six months, God was totally mute. What’s going on when God’s silence seems palpable? What on earth is he up to? The hard reality is, some things are best learned in the dark. Here’s what God taught me through that tough time of his silence.

Silence Is Not Absence I come from a long line of “talkers.” When I was growing up, our house was quiet only when no one was home. I recall one time chattering to God about my endless litany of needs and wants, ending with, “Are you listening, God?” As clearly as if he were sitting next to me in the flesh, I heard him say in my spirit, Yes, child, I’m listening. Would you like to listen for awhile? I got the message. Over the years, I practiced listening more to God’s voice. But nothing prepared me for his silence! On more than one occasion, Old Testament King David felt abandoned by God. But he knew that despite his feelings, he was never out of God’s sight: “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? … If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you” (Psalm 139:7, 9-12). David reassures us that we are not alone. God is relentlessly faithful. So how do we convince our frightened hearts when life crumbles around us and God becomes silent? We enter into the silence with him.

The spiritual opportunity: SOLITUDE. You have to feel totally accepted and comfortable with someone to sit with a person in silence. It can be intimidating. Silence shifts the emphasis of a relationship away from words and transactions to intimacy where no words are necessary. Are you that comfortable with God? Would you like to be? Since I felt my many words were fruitless, I sat in my favorite chair, read a brief portion of Scripture, or listened to a worship tape to calm my heart. Then I’d simply say, “Lord, I’m here and I’m scared. Please let me feel your presence.” And I would sit … in silence. Sometimes I cried. Eventually my spirit calibrated to God’s and peace settled over me—enough peace to get me through another day. When all the racket of life stops and God’s presence fills every molecule of space around us, our hearts grow calm and strong. Fear seems pointless. Circumstances lose

! ! ARTICLE When God Seems Silent Page !3 their power over us. The silence becomes an opportunity to fall in love with the person of Christ, rather than the things he says or does for us.

Silence Checks Our Trust Level There’s not much trust required if someone stands beside us coaching us every inch of the way. It’s like a parent running alongside a child who’s learning to ride a bicycle. We want to know the parent is there because we have no confidence we can ride the bike alone. But we’d look pretty silly if we were 40 and mom or dad were still running alongside our bike. At some point in our journey with him, God may decide to take his hand off the bike, so to speak, to see if we remember what we’ve learned. It’s preparation for the road ahead, which may be bumpy or difficult. It’s God taking us to the next level, building our commitment and perseverance. It’s also a way to reveal those things we’re trusting in more than him. For years my friend Esther prayed for a spouse, and God seemed to ignore her. “My heart’s desire always has been to marry a preacher and to minister together,” she says. “But when I hit 30 and there was no husband on the horizon, I kept asking God, ‘Why am I not married? Is there something wrong with me?’ There was no response. It hurt.” Then one day Esther had an “aha!” moment. “I realized I was trusting marriage and a husband to give my life meaning more than I was trusting God to do it. I had made marriage a litmus test of God’s love for me.”

The spiritual opportunity: SURRENDER. Esther surrendered her marriage agenda to God and gave him permission to do whatever he wanted with her life. Suddenly a whole world of opportunity opened for her. Today she travels the globe training pastors and children’s ministry leaders. “I’m doing exciting things now I couldn’t have done if I were married. And I learned I didn’t have to marry to do ministry. I haven’t permanently said good-bye to marriage. God didn’t tell me I’d never marry. But I had to learn God’s plan for my life involved more than just marriage.” Esther’s breakthrough came as a result of God’s silence. Jesus understood this principle. The most significant events in his life took place in the dark when all he saw was God’s back. Yet his instructions to his disciples were unwavering: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me” (John 14:1). Every day God calls us to keep trusting—to get out of bed and spend another 24 hours washing dishes, doing laundry, loving our family, believing he has everything under control—even when he seems silent.

! ! ARTICLE When God Seems Silent Page !4 Silence Doesn’t Mean Nothing’s Happening Ever try to watch a seed grow? The problem is, you can’t. It remains hidden under the dark garden soil until the seedling’s ready to break the surface and appear. Sometimes things buried in us need to surface, but they’ll only do so after we sit still long enough to let them break through. Perhaps they’re deep issues that have undermined our lives for years. Silence forces them to emerge. One of the old issues that surfaced for me was a fear of financial meltdown. When I was a child, my father had more financial ups and downs than a roller-coaster ride. So my precarious circumstances triggered my preoccupation with feeling financially insecure. I was looking for quick answers to calm my fears, but God wanted me to wrestle with a much bigger issue: Who, exactly, was my provider? Was it my clients— or God? Of course God expected me to work hard and do my part. But if I was doing the best I could, what could I expect in return?

The spiritual opportunity: SCRIPTURE MEMORIZATION. God’s silence and my situation drove me deeper into his Word to search for what I could expect of God in circumstances such as my own. In spiritual desperation, I had to break a sweat and dig. I selected comforting promises, recorded them on 3x5-inch cards, and taped them everywhere—on my bathroom mirror, on my dashboard, over the kitchen sink. And I prayed the promises back to God: “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread” (Psalm 37:25); and “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. … Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:25, 26). When I thought nothing was happening, God, in fact, had me in training. You pay more attention when you’re lost in a wilderness. I’d only been interested in quick fixes. But God was building my character and making me more effective for the kingdom. He can do the same for you.

Silence Forces Us to Get Real with God My friend Mikki had been married 13 years when she sensed a growing chasm between her husband and her. “It was as though someone put a glass wall between us,” she says. “I could see my husband and hear him, but I couldn’t feel him.” Her husband denied there was a problem. For eight years Mikki asked God to reveal what was going on and to make her the wife her husband needed. While God related to her deeply and intimately about every other thing in her life, he was totally silent about her marriage. “It was a torturous time,” Mikki says. “But it brought me to a place of brokenness before the Lord. I couldn’t make God tell me what was happening to my marriage. I couldn’t make him fix it. I believe he was teaching me to give up control and submit to his timing and plans.”

! ! ARTICLE When God Seems Silent Page !5 Eventually her husband’s eight-year-long affair came to light and he filed for divorce. When the truth was revealed, Mikki snapped in anger at God. “I thought if I was faithful, surely God would restore my marriage,” she says. “I remember throwing my Bible on the shelf and saying, ‘I’m done with you, God. Stay out of my life!’ Sometimes you have to get raw and real with God. If something hard has happened, it’s okay to be honest with him.”

The spiritual opportunity: AUTHENTICITY AND COMMUNITY. To my friend Mikki’s surprise, getting real with God brought her closer to him. Almost right away Mikki was able to confess to God she was sorry for blaming him. After all, he was the only one who had ever loved Mikki unconditionally. Christian friends then came alongside to see her through the hard part of rebuilding her life. They reminded her repeatedly of what was true and false about her and about God. But mostly they loved her, listened to her, and gave her the gift of their presence. “I remember sitting on the floor crying at a friend’s house. I said, ‘I’m trusting you to trust the Lord for me for now—to have hope until I get mine back.’ The verse I clung to was Psalm 119:50: ‘My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.’“ When God falls silent, how long will the silence last? It takes as long as it takes— and it will seem dark and lonely the whole time. But in the same way dawn always follows night, so, too, your darkness will end. For me, the silence ended as unexpectedly as it began. While waiting to hear from God, I noticed my prayers became less about getting answers than about connecting with God himself. I remember when I first realized I was receiving a fresh word from God—the first word I’d heard in a long time. One day as I was journaling, I felt the Holy Spirit gently ask whether scaring myself about all the “what ifs” had done any good other than to scare me. He reminded me I’ll have everything I need to live the life he’s called me to live. If a need isn’t met, then maybe it wasn’t a real need, or something I wasn’t supposed to be doing in the first place. The message was a precious sign God had been at work—shaping me even when he seemed far away. And so the two of us began again the daily conversations that would see me into the future he had planned for me. If you let God’s silence do its work, you will come out the other side knowing that you’re not alone, that God longs for deeper intimacy with you, that he’s worth trusting for the journey, and that you’re stronger than ever.

—Verla Gillmor, a TCW regular contributor, is a writer, speaker, business consultant, and author of Reality Check: A Survival Manual for Christians in the Workplace (Horizon Books). Contact her through her website, www.lifechasers.org.

“When God Seems Silent,” TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, March/April 2003, Vol. 25, No. 2, Page 44 !

! ! ARTICLE When God Seems Silent ! Page !6 !

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LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 3 Harnessing Stress How can we channel stress to work for God’s glory and our good?

Stress can cause a host of emotional, spiritual, and physical problems. None of us, however, can avoid stress completely. The key is not to eliminate stress, but to handle it in a way that is godly and productive. Holly G. Miller, in her article for TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, said if stress is carefully harnessed, it can create positive results in our lives. These results include increased productivity, greater effectiveness, and renewed energy.

How can we harness stress to make us more productive? What is the difference between stress and worry? How do we deal with the stresses of life without it affecting our physical, emotional, and spiritual health in a negative way? Is it possible stress can be good for us? How can we glorify God despite our stressful circumstances? This study will explore these issues.

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Harnessing Stress Page !2

Lesson #3

Scripture: Joshua 1:1–18; Esther 4:6–17; Matthew 14:3–23; Romans 8:28; 2 Corinthians 11:22–12:10; Philippians 4:4–9

Based on: “Positively Stressed,” by Holly G. Miller, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, July/August 1998, Vol. 20, No. 4, Page 74 !

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Positively Stressed” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). We live in a stress-filled society. Multitasking is a way of life. We are often trying to balance our job with raising kids, attending extracurricular activities, carpooling, community service, volunteering, and working in the church. When we add to our busy schedules health issues, caring for others, and the trials of life, we can feel overwhelmed. Stress is inevitable. It is often caused by circumstances that we cannot avoid or control. Worry, however, is a spiritual and emotional response to stress that drains energy and can create a host of problems. When we cast our cares on Jesus, he gives us the strength to endure and persevere through difficult times. In this way God is glorified, and we can accomplish God’s will in our lives, despite the circumstances. By God’s grace, we can channel stress to work for us instead of against us.

Discussion starters:

[Q] What causes stress in your life? How do you handle it? How does stress affect you spiritually, emotionally, and physically? Why does stress affect you this way?

[Q] How is stress different from worry? Do you think it is possible to have stress without worry? Why or why not?

[Q] Do you think it is possible for stress to be beneficial? Explain your answer. How can stress be harmful? How do we differentiate between harmful and beneficial stress? What behaviors do we exhibit when stress is harmful? When it is beneficial?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Meditating on God’s Word reminds us that God is always with us, and that he gives us the courage and strength to accomplish his will in all circumstances. Read Joshua 1:1–18. Joshua was faced with a monumental task. He had stepped into the role previously held by Moses for 40 years. He was expected to lead the entire Israelite nation into the Promised Land. Joshua was dealing with a group of people who had a history of grumbling, disobedience, and rebellion. The Israelites had refused to enter this land under Moses’ leadership and had consequently wandered in the desert for 40 years. Given this potentially overwhelming task, Joshua was told to be strong and courageous. He reminded Joshua to meditate on God’s law day and night, so Joshua would be diligent to obey it. God promised to be with Joshua wherever he went, and he promised to never leave nor forsake him. God also commands us to be strong and courageous. He does not want us to be trembling, terrified people, nor does he want us to be discouraged by circumstances. He reminds us that he is always with us, and he gives us his Word to guide and comfort us along the way. He promises to never leave or forsake us. Often we stand at the river of promise God offers. We are afraid to step out and take the risk to follow him into the Promised Land; instead, we choose to wander in the desert of our doubts and disbelief. God calls us to be conquerors. When we

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Harnessing Stress Page !4 meditate on his Word, rely on his strength, and have the will to obey, God will give us the courage to conquer whatever he calls us to do.

[Q] What is the difference between meditating on God’s Word and simply reading it? How does meditation help us apply God’s Word to our lives?

[Q] Why was it important for Joshua to be reminded to be obedient and to have courage? How might Joshua have been feeling? What contributed to that?

[Q] How did Joshua call the Israelites to demonstrate courage and obedience? What was their response? Why was it important for Joshua to call the people to obedience and courage, as God had called him? How might their unity of purpose have helped them conquer the Promised Land?

[Q] Joshua harnessed his stress and began the task by breaking it down into manageable steps. How does breaking down a task and focusing on one step at a time help us reduce stress? How do we do this without losing the big picture?

[Q] Joshua also delegated responsibility to those under him. How do you think this might have helped him? How might it have helped the Israelites? How do we decide what and when to delegate?

[Q] God promises believers that he is with us wherever we go and that he will never leave or forsake us. What does that mean to you? How does this promise help you to have courage in times of stress?

[Q] Have you ever had a time when fear kept you from conquering something God called you to do? Be specific. What blessings may you have missed? What could you have done differently?

Teaching point two: Acceptance of God’s sovereign will, no matter what the circumstances, gives us peace and courage to face whatever comes. Read Esther 4:6–17 and Romans 8:28. Esther was under tremendous stress. The lives of her people, the Israelites, were in her hands. In order to help them, she had to risk her own life. Mordecai, Esther’s cousin, kept her accountable so she would not back away from her calling. Mordecai told Esther God would save his people one way or another, but if Esther did not obey God’s will by carrying out her part of his plan, she and her family would perish. Esther’s life was at risk no matter which choice she made. She found courage and strength through prayer. In her phrase “If I perish, I perish,” we witness her trust in God’s sovereignty. God wants us to trust him completely. Getting to this point requires much prayer. Esther recognized this. She solicited the prayers of those around her who shared her faith. God wants us to be willing to risk everything, including our lives, for his kingdom. When we get to the point of complete surrender to God’s will, peace floods in, and we have the courage to face whatever comes.

[Q] What was Esther’s first reaction to Mordecai’s request that she go into the king’s presence and beg for mercy for her people? How did Mordecai hold her accountable?

[Q] Holly Miller suggests that when we are under stress, we should find someone who will be strong enough to hold us accountable. How can having someone to whom you are accountable help you complete a task? How can it spiritually help you in difficult times?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Harnessing Stress Page !5 [Q] How does prayer help us accept God’s sovereign will in our lives? Why is it important to ask others to pray for us? How has prayer helped you during stressful times?

[Q] How did Esther exhibit her trust in God’s sovereignty? What must she have known about God? Romans 8:28 says that God promises to work all things for the good of those who love him. How does this help us trust God? How does it help us endure difficult times?

[Q] How did Esther harness her stress to accomplish God’s will in her life?

Teaching point three: Finding time to be alone with God is essential to our spiritual health and is rejuvenating to our mind in times of stress. Read Matthew 14:3–23. John the Baptist had been beheaded. When Jesus heard the news he “withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place” (Matt. 14:13). When his boat arrived at the shore, the crowds were already there ahead of him. With great compassion for the people, Jesus set aside his own grief and proceeded to heal the sick and feed the multitude. At the end of the day, however, Jesus sent away the crowd and the disciples so he could go up to the mountainside by himself to pray. Time alone with God spiritually renews our strength. Solitude gives us a chance to immerse ourselves in God’s Word, pray, and find healing in his presence. We come to our Abba Father, Daddy God, and lay all of our worries at his feet. He reminds us of his great love for us and reassures us that we are his own. He renews our strength so that we can soar above the problems of the world, like an eagle soars above the earth. We worship him in spirit and in truth and are brought back to the place where our heart trusts in him completely, casting aside the cares of the world. We seek his wisdom, and he gives it as he promises. We are then equipped to meet life’s challenges and struggles.

[Q] Upon hearing about John the Baptist’s death, why was the immediate response of Jesus to withdraw to a solitary place? Why do you think Jesus chose to pray alone, instead of with the crowd or with the disciples? Why is spending time alone with God essential? How does it help you in times of stress? How does time alone with God differ from corporate worship? Why are both important?

[Q] Once we have spent time alone with God, we need to allow ourselves diversions from the stress. Our physical bodies need time to rest, and our minds need time to recover and relax. Even God rested when he created the world; certainly we do not need less. What happens when we do not take time to rest? What do you do to relax during stressful times?

[Q] In her stress management seminars, Charlotte Sutton suggests prioritizing activities into categories of critical, important, and unimportant to help with time management. How could prioritizing help us find time for solitude and rest? What would be on your critical list? What do you consider unimportant? What would you say are the priorities of Jesus? What should our priorities be?

Teaching point four: When we have a heart attitude of thankfulness and trust in God, we will have joy, even in the most difficult situations, and we will bring glory to God. Read 2 Corinthians 11:22–12:10 and Philippians 4:4–9. Nothing seemed to keep Paul down. His purpose in life was to glorify God, and he did this in the face of great persecution. In Philippians Paul told us to rejoice always, regardless of our circumstances. Paul was even thankful for insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties, because he knew they made him rely on God’s strength instead of his own.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Harnessing Stress Page !6 Having a heart of joy in stressful times can seem like an insurmountable expectation, and it would be impossible in our own strength. By God’s grace and power, however, we are able to have joy regardless of our situation. When we pray instead of worry; let our minds dwell on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy; and have a heart of thanksgiving, we will have deep joy. Joy is not happiness. Happiness is dependent upon circumstance, but joy is not. Joy is that deep understanding of God’s love for us and complete trust that he knows what he is doing, even when we do not understand. It is recognizing God’s all-surpassing power to help us through any circumstance and knowing that God will never abandon us.

[Q] How can you explain Paul’s attitude in the midst of so much persecution? Why was he thankful for difficult circumstances? What can you be thankful for in difficult circumstances?

[Q] Philippians 4 tells us not to worry. How is stress different from worry? How do we keep ourselves from worry? How can stress be good for us spiritually? In order for stress to benefit us, what must our heart attitude be?

[Q] When have you experienced joy in difficult circumstances? Upon what was your joy based? How is joy different from happiness?

[Q] According to Philippians 4, what brings us the peace of God? How can peace transcend all understanding? How do you think peace guards our hearts and minds? Share a time when you experienced God’s peace in a stressful situation.

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

Though we often cannot control our circumstances, we can control our responses to them. If we harness stress through God’s power, he will use stress to make us more like Christ. Stress then becomes an agent to accomplish God’s will in our lives. In the process, God is glorified.

[Q] How can our response to stress glorify God? How can it be dishonoring?

[Q] How can stress benefit us practically?

[Q] How can we keep stress from affecting us in negative ways? Optional Activities: 1. Using your calendar as a reference point, prioritize your activities. Based on the principle of tithing, does at least a tenth of your time belong to God? 2. Set goals to help you manage your time effectively. Be sure to include time for solitude with God. Find a person to hold you accountable. 3. Make a list of 50 things for which you are thankful, then pray through it.

—Study prepared by Julie Kloster, speaker and freelance writer

• ChristianBibleStudies.com • Can Stress Heal? Kenneth H. Cooper, M.D. (Thomas Nelson/W, 1997; ISBN 0785283153)

• Handling Stress, D. Warrick, Dd Warrick (Nav Press, 1991; ISBN 0891095284) • Keep It Simple for Busy Women: Inspiring Ideas to Reduce Stress and Enjoy Life More, Emilie Barnes (Harvest House Publishers, 2002; ISBN 0736905537)

• Straight Talk on Stress, Joyce Meyer (Time Warner Book Group, 2003; ISBN 0446691488)

• Stress: Peace Amid Pressure, David Powlison (P & R Publishing, 2004; ISBN 0875526608)

• Women and Stress: A Practical Approach to Managing Tension, Jean Lush (Baker, 1999; ISBN 0800756177) ! !

By Holly G. Miller, for the study “Harnessing Stress”

For years we’ve heard about the dangers of stress. The warning goes something like this: Allow tension to sneak into your life and don’t be surprised when indigestion turns into ulcers, fatigue results in burnout, and innocent nail-biting leads to serious binge- eating. But wait a minute. Some experts now are claiming that stress has another side. They say that when carefully harnessed, it can serve as a positive—not negative—force in your life. It can boost your productivity, keep you interested in what you do, and make you more interesting to the people around you. “Stress can create an adrenalin charge,” says Charlotte Sutton, an associate professor of management at Auburn University who frequently teaches stress management seminars. “We move faster, are more effective, and have more energy. A lot of people tell me that without stress, they don’t get very much done.” Here are some tips on how to tap into the upside of stress in your life.

Hire A Stress Manager “Being overwhelmed wasn’t an option,” recalls Julie-Allyson Ieron about her reaction to the news that a publisher wanted her to develop a book titled Names of Women of the Bible. The problem was that Julie had a full-time job, and all writing assignments had to be tackled on weekends and holidays. Added to this pressure was a tight deadline—five months to finish the book. The opportunity had the potential of panicking this first-time author, so instead, “I broke down the project into manageable bites,” says Julie. “I decided to write about 52 women, which required 52 outlines that would result in 52 chapters. I looked at the calendar and figured out how many chapters I needed to research, outline, and write each weekend to complete the job on time.” Then she “hired” a stress manager to keep her on schedule—someone who was strong enough to hold her accountable to her goals. “I called in my mom and showed her my writing schedule,” she says. “I gave her permission to keep tabs on me. Most

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Positively STRESSED Page !2 weekends, that meant she would drop in two or three times as I was working. If she saw that I was puttering around, she would gently nudge me back to my writing.” They agreed on two conditions: First, Julie wouldn’t complain when her mother reminded her of her work quota; second, her mother would be gentle and loving in any admonition she delivered. “She helped me stay on task and get the allotted work done each day—no more and no less,” says Julie. “When I reached my weekly goal we would go out to dinner, watch TV, or find some other way to kick back. Once or twice I tried to push myself past my limit and found I sacrificed effectiveness. I knew that would serve no purpose other than to burn me out before the project was done. My mother helped me pace myself.”

Adjust Your Attitude The Bible teaches us to “be strong and courageous; do not be terrified; do not be discouraged” (Joshua 1:9). Often the way we size up a demanding situation determines whether the stress we experience serves as our ally or acts as our enemy. If we think we’re unworthy to meet a challenge, that feeling of unworthiness will produce negative stress. If we remember we are God’s creation, we’ll welcome the opportunity to use our God-given talents. Our enthusiasm will produce positive stress that will push us to perform at our peak. “Assume a positive viewpoint,” suggests Dennis E. Hensley, author of Positive Workaholism and an associate professor at Taylor University. “Rather than saying ‘No one will hire me for this job because I’m too old,’ a senior applicant can adjust her attitude and say, ‘I have more experience than anyone else interviewing for this job!’ Rather than saying, ‘No one takes me seriously because I’m so young,’ a newcomer to the job market can say, ‘I’m fresh out of school with state-of-the-art skills, and I have youth and energy on my side!’ Phrase everything in positive terms and stress becomes an asset, not a liability.”

Ignite The Spark We may never qualify for the Olympics, but we can all learn a lesson from world- class athletes who clamp headsets over their ears as they wait their turn to compete. Whether they’re listening to a favorite motivational speaker or a tape of inspirational music isn’t important. What matters is that they’ve identified their personal strategy for pumping themselves up and getting their butterflies to fly in formation. These instant pick-me-up techniques blot out distractions, help them focus, and infuse them with a spurt of positive energy. What works for you? Some people carry a favorite Scripture verse or a few lines of poetry to review immediately before plunging into a stressful situation. Others rely on a funny cartoon that causes them to laugh, and the laughter releases an adrenalin rush that carries them through an ordeal. Each of us needs to determine our individual way of igniting the spark that fires our positive emotions.

! ! ARTICLE Positively STRESSED Page !3 Give Yourself Time “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t carry some kind of planner with me,” says Julie Ieron. “I trust my planner to carry the details, and this frees my mind to concentrate on the important things in life.” It also reduces negative tension caused by arriving late, forgetting appointments, losing phone numbers, and scheduling obligations on top of each other. One key to harnessing positive stress is having time to prepare for demanding situations and time to rejuvenate between them. More than 40 percent of adults who participated in a recent survey admitted they felt they were on a treadmill and couldn’t get off; almost double that number said they would like more time to “stop and smell the roses.” A carefully designed calendar that shows a month-at-a-glance can ensure adequate smell-the-roses time. It also indicates days that contain too much or too little stress. “Choose a planner you can customize,” advises Julie. “It shouldn’t be too complex or time-consuming to maintain, and it shouldn’t make you feel guilty. Instead, it should free you to do the things God created you to accomplish. Make sure it helps you unify your spiritual, church, home, and family lives rather than merely keep track of professional obligations.” As you study the month ahead, try to gauge the stress level of each day and each week. Equalize your obligations so that too much stress doesn’t leave you drained on Monday and too little stress doesn’t cause you to feel stagnant by Wednesday. Just for fun, create your version of a perfect day. What activities does it contain? Try to include as many of these activities as possible in your schedule.

Exercise, Exercise, Exercise “If you get into a negative stressful situation, sometimes you have to stop, step back, and start again,” says Dr. Ken Cooper, who touched off the fitness boom in 1968 with his book, Aerobics, and whose latest book is Can Stress Heal? “I use stress to make me productive, but when I’ve reached a point where I can’t be creative anymore, I take a walk or work out in the gym. Then I come back and am productive again.” For Cooper, now sixty-seven, a typical workout includes ten minutes of stretching, a two-mile run, a seven-minute walk, and a series of strength exercises. It’s fortunate for us that what he does is less important than why he does it. Exercise breaks the routine, grabs our attention, rids us of tension, and refreshes us as we mobilize our positive stress for the next challenge. What kind of exercise is best? The country’s leading fitness activity is also its simplest: walking.

Choose Your Rewards In her stress management seminars, Charlotte Sutton asks participants to jot down their activities of the past three days and organize them according to priority. Each activity is assigned a label: critical, important, and unimportant. Too often the activities that students categorize as “unimportant” are those that serve as rewards for

! ! ARTICLE Positively STRESSED Page !4 a day well spent or a job well done. These “unimportant” activities reduce negative stress and replenish positive energy. “We all need down time,” says Charlotte. “Whether it’s music, a warm bath, an hour of television, or a movie with a friend, we need diversions from whatever is stressful in our life.” But we should choose our rewards carefully because like stress, they come in two varieties—positive and negative. Rewarding ourselves with an outfit that we can’t afford or a dessert that we don’t need may provide a positive lift that dissipates into negative stress when the bills come in or the pounds go on. “Often just getting a job done and off your ‘to-do list’ is a major reward,” says Charlotte. If a genuine reward is in order, she suggests using the occasion to make a new friend. “Invite someone to share the relief and pleasure you feel at having completed a job. Go up to the person and say, ‘I’ve just finished an important project. Will you go out and celebrate with me?’” It is possible to make stress your ally, not your enemy. So take advantage of that adrenalin rush and be positively stressed—for a change!

—Holly G. Miller is a TCW contributing editor, adjunct professor of communication at Anderson (Indiana) University, and author of several books.

“Positively Stressed,” by Holly G. Miller, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, July/August 1998, Vol. 20, No. 4, Page 74 ! !

! ! !

LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 4 Finding Confidence Confidence comes from knowing who we are in Christ as we live for his purposes.

Verla Gillmor writes, “If your raw data is flawed, you end up with a faulty conclusion. The same is true with how we see ourselves. If we lack self- confidence, maybe we’re working with flawed data.” It’s easy to see the evidence of this flawed data: perpetually worried expressions, stressed- out kids, wasted gifts, credit card bills with too many charges for the clothes and beauty products that promised to make us look perfect. This can’t be the life God created us for.

How can we know and enjoy the special gifts God has given us? What does it mean to be God’s beloved? How can we cultivate godly confidence? These are the questions we’ll explore in this study.

Lesson #4

Scripture: Psalm 71:5–6; Proverbs 3:25–26; Song of Songs 4:1-7; Jeremiah 17:5–7; John 16:27;

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Finding Confidence Page !2 Romans 8:38–39; 1 Corinthians 12:4–26; 2 Corinthians 5:17–19; James 2:14–17.

Based on: “Need a Confidence Boost?” by Verla Gillmor, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, May/June 2000, Vol. 22, No. 3, Page 44 !

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Need a Confidence Boost?” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study) Concerned about the low number of women completing graduate programs in computer science, researchers at Stanford University and University of California, Berkeley, started asking questions. They found that women were more likely than men to admit they didn’t feel prepared for an exam, more likely to consider poor performance a personal failing, and less likely to pursue academic opportunities. Over half of the women who dropped out of the Berkeley program cited lack of self-confidence as a major or secondary factor in their decision. Across the board, women struggled more than men with confidence issues, even if their academic preparation and performance were equal to or better than the men’s. This reality isn’t limited to the computer science field. Low self-esteem affects up to one third of the American population and has been linked to such problems as abusive relationships, anxiety, depression, divorce, eating disorders, obesity, and sexual promiscuity. These problems aren’t limited to women, but women are twice as likely as men to experience a key symptom of low self-esteem: depression. Couple that statistic with the fact that anti-depressant use has more than doubled in this country since 1998, and it becomes obvious that there are a lot of hurting women out there.

Discussion starters: Ask the questions Gillmor poses at the end of her article.

[Q] What judgments do you make about yourself that are, in fact, untrue? What’s something wonderful about you that you’ve undervalued?

[Q] How do you typically respond when someone brags about you? Is it hard for you to receive a compliment? If so, why?

[Q] Do you fail to stick up for yourself when someone challenges what you know to be true?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Confidence comes from absolute trust in God. Read Psalm 71:5–6. This verse shows that our confidence cannot be in anything on this earth, but only in God’s affection for us, which began before we’d done anything good or bad—even before our mothers knew we were coming. Our very first identity is as children of God. Read Proverbs 3:25–26 and Jeremiah 17:5–7. Earthly circumstances and people will always disappoint us, but we can count on God to be consistent and true in the midst of difficult times.

[Q] Disappointment in self often begins in early childhood. What is your earliest memory of someone being proud of you, or of being proud of yourself? How about an early memory of someone being disappointed in you? Which memory is stronger?

[Q] What does being called a “child of God” tell us about our status, capabilities, limitations, and nature in God’s eyes? Read 1 Corinthians 12:4–11. As children of God, we inherited some of his traits. These spiritual gifts are a “family resemblance,” affirming our identity.

[Q] What personality traits did you inherit from your father and mother? If you have children, what personality traits have they inherited from you? How do these similarities knit you together as a family?

[Q] What trait(s) from the list in this passage do you think you inherited? Have you ever taken a gifts inventory test or discussed the subject with a leader in your church? What traits do you see in other members of your study group?

Teaching point two: You are loved. Read Song of Songs 4:1–7, John 16:27, and Romans 8:38–39. The first passage might come as a bit of a shock, but through most of church history, Bible interpreters have agreed that the lover in Song of Songs represents God and the beloved represents us. The more familiar New Testament verses clarify the way God feels. Insert your name in place of the word “us” in verse 39 of Romans 8, so the truth of it will sink in.

[Q] Have you ever received a love letter or a particularly romantic gift? How did it make you feel?

[Q] Is it strange for you to think of receiving love notes from God? What emotions does such an idea evoke? Is there any way we can send love notes back to him?

[Q] Hymns and praise choruses often center on the theme of God’s love for us and our love for him. What are some of your favorites?

[Q] Gillmor writes of being asked, “Are you anybody?” at a fundraising event. How would you answer that question? How might God answer for you?

Teaching point three: You have an important role to play in God’s kingdom. Upon the foundation of a secure identity and the feeling of being loved, we build self- confidence through accomplishments. These accomplishments don’t make God love us any more than he already does, and they don’t need to be the kinds of things that get written up in the local newspaper. Rather, the good works God desires flow naturally from who he has created us to be. Whether or not anyone else notices, these accomplishments have a profound effect on us and others around us. Read 1 Corinthians 12:12–26. As you can see, these works include a commitment to the body of Christ, which depends on our particular contribution to it. Unless we are allowing God to use us to minister to other Christians, we are content for the body to limp along somewhat crippled. Satan doesn’t want us to see our value to the rest of the body of Christ. Read 2 Corinthians 5:17–19. Every Christian has been given the mission to reconcile the world to God. We may do that through taking any opportunity God gives us to talk about him. Until we take up this mission, we are not fully living out the purpose for which God has made us.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Finding Confidence Page !5 Read James 2:14–17. Faith that is hidden does no one any good. As we act out our faith in deeds of love and compassion, God is glorified, and we find new confidence as we see God use our efforts.

[Q] How does living for eternal purposes boost our confidence?

[Q] Damage to one part of our bodies can sap our strength and hamper our effectiveness. What happens to the body of Christ when one part isn’t functioning up to its capacity? What happens when one part tries to do too much?

[Q] We believe in salvation by grace, through faith, alone, but not in passive Christianity. What do these passages say about good works? Do the passages challenge any of your assumptions about faith?

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

In 1901, British Christian author G.K. Chesterton wrote (using the masculine pronouns common in his day), “There runs a strange law through the length of human history—that men are continually tending to undervalue their environment, to undervalue their happiness, to undervalue themselves. The great sin of mankind, the sin typified by the fall of Adam is the tendency, not towards pride, but towards this weird and horrible humility. This is the great fall, the fall by which the fish forgets the sea, the ox forgets the meadow, the clerk forgets the city, every man forgets his environment and, in the fullest and most literal sense, forgets himself. This is the real fall of Adam, and it is a spiritual fall. … Most probably we are in Eden still. It is only our eyes that have changed.” We know pride is a sin. But the wrong kind of humility—the kind that always sees the negative, devalues God’s spiritual gifts, and prevents God’s people from doing his work—can be just as destructive. And negative thinking seems to be especially problematic for women.

[Q] How can we distinguish good humility from bad humility? Confidence from pride? What’s an appropriate balance between the extremes of self-hatred and self-worship?

[Q] Looking back at 1 Corinthians 12, what part of Christ’s body do you imagine yourself to be? What are some ways you can uniquely serve your family, your church, your community, or the world?

[Q] Think of a time you accomplished something (big or small) for God’s kingdom. Did that sense of accomplishment bolster your confidence? What can you do this month to build on that success?

—Study prepared by Elesha Coffman, graduate student and former managing editor of CHRISTIAN HISTORY magazine.

Additional Resources

• ChristianBibleStudies.com Self-Esteem: Devotions by Christian Musicians Where Do We Get Self Worth?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Finding Confidence Page !6 • His Princess: Love Letters from Your King, Sheri Rose Shepherd (Multnomah, 2004; ISBN 1590523318)

• More Power To You: Building Confidence and Self-Esteem, Diane Smith Helder (Walch Publishing, 2002; ISBN 0825126991)

• Reality Check: A Survival Manual for Christians in the Workplace, Verla Gillmor (Christian Publications, 2001; ISBN 0889651957)

• Self-Esteem: The Cross and Christian Confidence, Alister & Joanna McGrath (Good News Publishing, 2002; ISBN 158134371X)

• Self-Esteem: Seeing Ourselves as God Sees Us, Jack Kohatschek (InterVarsity, 2002; ISBN 0830830650)

• Wanting to Be Her: Body Image Secrets Victoria Won’t Tell You, Michelle Graham (Intervarsity Press, 2005; ISBN 0830832661)

• “Emotional Well-Being,” http://muextension.missouri.edu/xplor/hesguide/humanrel/gh6652.htm

• “Lack of Self-Confidence,” http://cse.stanford.edu/class/cs201/projects-00-01/women-faculty/confidence.html ! !

By Verla Gillmor, for the study “Finding Confidence in Our Purpose”

Recently I turned to a friend who was riding in my car and asked her, “What do you like about yourself?” We rode in silence for several minutes. Finally, she turned to me and said, apologetically, “I can’t think of anything.” I was stunned. My friend is intelligent, charming, and compassionate—yet she couldn’t see any of that. I know she’s not alone. Low self-esteem has become the number-one issue plaguing Christian women. Despite God’s assurance that he’s absolutely crazy about us, most of us can’t believe he means us. It’s like the cynical editor who tells the cub reporter, “If your mother says she loves you, check it out.”

Check Out Your Sources I was a reporter for 12 years. One of the first things I learned in researching a story was “garbage in, garbage out.” If your raw data is flawed, you end up with a faulty conclusion. The same is true with how we see ourselves. If we lack self-confidence, maybe we’re working with flawed data. The reality is, in hundreds of subtle ways, our culture, family, friends—even our thought life—conspire to undermine our confidence. We grow up in families void of affirmation, encouragement, and respect—the building blocks to self-confidence. Then we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of a world that lionizes Size Two Hollywood starlets and Barbie-doll figures. Our paycheck, our title, our designer labels, or some other artificial yardstick gives us temporary entrée into the world of The Accepted. But in our hearts, we know it isn’t real. How do we find our way to the truth? In the J.B. Phillips translation of the Bible, Romans 12:3 reads, “Try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities by the light of the faith that God has given to you all.” Our relationship with Jesus sheds new light on who we are and what we do. Before we can “hear” it, though, we have to identify the “dirty data” we’ve believed. We need to expose ways in which we’ve inadvertently contributed to the problem:

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Need a Confidence Boost? Page !2 Comparison traps. I’m technophobic. My brother got all the genes required to understand operating manuals, to repair things, or (gasp!) to make sense of computers. When I first had to learn how to use a computer for my job, I was convinced it was the end of life as I knew it. I remember with painful clarity a beginner’s computer class where the instructor told us to “press any key.” I searched in vain for the “any” key. By the end of the class, I was certain I wasn’t smart enough to drive myself home, much less dress for work the next day. This was despite the fact that I managed a home, a family, a job, and a professional staff. Why was it so humiliating? Because I compared myself to the 10-year-old girl next door who effortlessly surfed the Net to research her term papers while I struggled just to log on. Instead of simply concluding that technical prowess is not one of my strengths, I concluded I must be stupid. It was a lie. The art of the put-down. People respect us as much as we respect ourselves. That’s why the absence of self-confidence can telegraph to others not to believe in us. For years I struggled to receive a compliment graciously. If someone complimented my hair, I’d discount it. I’d say my hairstyle made my face look fat or that my hair was a mousy color. What I really meant was, There must be some mistake. I’m not worth your regard. I don’t like myself and can’t really believe you do, either. The trouble is, if we persist in putting ourselves down, eventually people start to believe we’re right. Self-doubt. Sometimes the problem isn’t faulty data. We have an accurate picture of ourselves or a situation, but we capitulate the first time someone challenges us. Several years ago, I discovered a grape-sized lump on my left breast. My doctor scheduled outpatient surgery right away. A month later, when I resumed periodic self- examination, I felt the same lump in the same hard-to-reach place. I was certain of it! When I called the doctor to suggest he might have missed the lump in question, he insisted I was wrong. It could not possibly be a lump, he said, because he had removed it. After all, he was the doctor. I got off the phone, doubting what I’d felt with my own hand. But fear of lethal consequences gave me the courage to insist he re-examine me, at which point he reluctantly acknowledged that, yes, it did seem to be the original lump. He removed it in a second surgery.

Reclaim the Truth It’s time to go on the offensive and regain the confidence God wants for you. Here are a few ways to get started: Name the lies—and give them to God. Make a list of the falsehoods others have said about you (and what you’ve believed about yourself). Be specific. Then, agree with God that it’s not how he sees you. Tell him, “God, I know you made me—and you don’t make junk. These lies have got to go. I want to see myself the way you see me. Please begin the process of changing my mind.” ! ! ARTICLE Need a Confidence Boost? Page !3 Eugene Petersen, in The Message paraphrase of Romans 12:2, urges us to reject the flawed thinking of our culture and those around us: “Don’t become so well- adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out.” Grieve the loss of what you’ll never have and never be. I once knew a woman who believed the lie that she was a victim. She wasn’t in an abusive situation; she wasn’t poor or ill or alone. But she felt as though the world always let her down. Eventually, she confessed to God the truth—playing the victim was easier for her than dealing with her own emotional “junk.” But that was only the first step. Next she had to grieve the loss of a “crutch” she couldn’t use anymore. She had to find a whole new way to live. In my case, I had to confess the lie that I was stupid because I didn’t understand technical things. Yet, even after acknowledging that I’m actually a pretty intelligent person, I still had to grieve the fact that no amount of classes or training would ever completely solve my technical ineptitude! Another lie I believed about myself was that I’d been selfish for having only one child. The truth is, I nearly died giving birth to my daughter, and my husband didn’t want to adopt. Still, I spent years feeling like an inferior mother—like I should have trusted God to protect me in subsequent childbirths. I now believe that—in my case—one child was God’s will for me. I’ve rejected the condemnation. Nevertheless, I had to grieve that I’d never have the houseful of children I’d always wanted. Replace the lies with the truth. God’s Word is full of information about your identity and position as a believer in Jesus Christ. Let the wonder of God’s perspective on you soak in. Do you fully realize what it means to be … Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) Precious to God (Isaiah 43:4) Cared about since your conception (Isaiah 46:3) God’s child (John 1:12) Jesus’ friend (John 15:15) Chosen by Jesus (John 15:16) Loved dearly by God (John 16:27) Free from condemnation (Romans 8:1) A temple—a dwelling place—of God’s Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16) Redeemed and forgiven of all your sins (Colossians 1:14) Maybe you’d prefer God say he’s crazy about dishwater blondes who are 20 pounds overweight. Then you’d know he meant you. But God didn’t get that specific in describing Eve! All he tells us about her in Gen. 1:27, 31 is that she was made in his image and it was very good!

! ! ARTICLE Need a Confidence Boost? Page !4 He feels the same way about you. Celebrate you! During my years as a radio news anchor and reporter in Chicago, I occasionally was called upon to participate in annual fundraising telethons. Telethon producers would round up as many media types as possible to answer phones. Most were TV news anchors with recognizable faces—the thought being they would attract viewers who would then pledge dollars to the cause. Because I worked for one of the major network affiliates, at times I was pressed into service, even though I worked in radio. During one particular event, I stood off-camera, waiting to be told what to do. It happened during a season in my life when I was trying to figure out who I was and whether I truly liked myself. I’d been in counseling and had been studying God’s Word to learn about my identity in Christ. A twentysomething junior producer came over to me, clipboard in hand, and looked me up and down with obvious disdain. He scanned his list of “celebrity guests,” then said, “Are you anybody?” My mouth dropped open in disbelief. “Well … no … I’m not anybody,” I said. Suddenly, the absurdity of his comment hit me and I started to laugh. “You know, once I was nobody. Does that help you? But, listen,” I whispered, leaning toward him, “Now I’m somebody! I’m just not somebody you know.” He shook his head, clueless, and walked away. You, too, are somebody—somebody worth the sacrifice of what was most precious to God—his only Son. God may be the only person you’ll ever know who loves you unconditionally. But once this truth soaks in, God’s opinion becomes the only one that really matters.

—Verla Gillmor, a TCW regular contributor, speaker, and writer, lives in the Chicago area.

“Need a Confidence Boost?” by Verla Gillmor, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, May/June 2000, Vol. 22, No. 3, Page 44 !

! ! ARTICLE Need a Confidence Boost? ! Page !5

Reality Checks Pinpoint the ways you may be sabotaging yourself by answering the ! !following questions: ! What judgments do I make about myself that are, in fact, untrue? What’s ! something wonderful about me that I’ve undervalued? ! How do I typically respond when someone brags about me? Is it hard for me to receive a compliment—and why? ! Do I fail to stick up for myself when someone challenges what I know to be true? ! —V.G.

! ! !

LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 5 The Joy of Being Content Learning to smile with what you have.

We have more, but enjoy less. No matter how hard we work or how much money we accumulate, on the whole we are not happier. Why is that? Somewhere along the line we have entertained the notion that we are entitled to more. Thoughts like this make us discontent.

Can contentment be learned? What prevents us from being thankful for what we have? Ultimately who is to blame when we are discontent? We will discuss these questions in this study.

Lesson #5

Scripture: Exodus 16:11–18; 2 Samuel 11:2–4; Psalm 84:11, 145:15; John 21:17–22; 2 Corinthians 12:10; Philippians 4:11–13; 1Timothy 6:8

Based on: “Seeing Green,” by Nancy Beach, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, September/October 1999, Page 82 !

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The Joy of Being Content Page !2 PART 1 Identify the Current Issue

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Seeing Green” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). Contentment is not a pie-in-the-sky, unattainable thing. God wouldn’t give us instructions to do something without giving us the ability to follow through. He encourages us many times in Scripture to be thankful, to be grateful, to be content. Could it be that the world is working against us attaining a healthy level of gratitude in our lives? Tim Kimmel says, “Keeping the average family unsatisfied is vital to our economic system. In order to lure me to a particular product, an advertiser must create a dissatisfaction for what I have—or a nagging desire for what I don’t need” (Little House on the Freeway, Multnomah Press, 1987). Although we live in this world, we are to follow a different set of rules. And the maker of those rules knows the temptations we face on a daily basis. In Simplify Your Life, H. Norman Wright explains, “We have ad campaigns telling us how we need more stuff to fulfill our lives and make us ‘happy.’ We need campaigns to tell the ad campaigns we don’t believe what they’re saying and that we won’t buy into it. This means going against the voices in our culture.”

Discussion starters:

[Q] The media send daily messages that perpetuate discontent. Why?

[Q] Name the messages we encounter in life that foster discontent.

[Q] How can we constructively fight these messages?

[Q] How can possessions affect our values? Are there excess things you can remove from your life that would help reveal your true values?

[Q] Everywhere we turn we see signs that encourage us to strive for more. Is it possible to have needs that are unmet, yet be content?

[Q] Describe someone you know who is a model of contentment. Has this person always been this way? What attitudes does this person have that helps him or her be content?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Contentment is a choice. We are not the first who have struggled with contentment. We follow in the footsteps of our ancestors. Even Adam and Eve, when given everything in the garden with the exception of one tree, craved what they didn’t have. Read Exodus 16:11–18. Consider the Israelites and their desire for a change in their diet. It wasn’t enough that God fed them; they wanted to order off the menu. All through Scripture we see people who wanted more than they were given. God addressed that very issue when he gave his commandments. We are told to refrain from coveting, wanting what someone else has. Read Philippians 4:11–13. Paul chose to be content. That would be less challenging if we knew Paul sat with his choice of food, lodging, and ministry, but that wasn’t the case. Read 2

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The Joy of Being Content Page !3 Corinthians 12:10. Paul explains that even in undesirable surroundings, he was content. How could he be content in adverse conditions? Why are people on the other side of the world, who have so much less, often happier than we are? The only way any of us can develop an attitude of gratitude and rest in a state of contentment is to realize everything we have is from God.

[Q] In what ways are you like the Israelites, who grumbled because they didn’t appreciate what God provided for them? When do you find yourself grumbling?

[Q] With which statement do you find yourself agreeing most? 1) Since God has given us everything, my ungratefulness is sin. 2) Contentment is attainable, but only with God’s help. 3) There’s nothing wrong with comparisons if I don’t become envious. 4) Having fewer things will make me godly. Why did you choose the statement you did? Do you find yourself agreeing with more than one statement?

[Q] Paul mentions times when he was content in extremely undesirable circumstances. How is that possible? Give details of a time you found yourself at peace in adverse conditions.

Teaching point two: Comparisons ruin contentment. Read 2 Samuel 11:2–4. David coveted what was not his. Whenever we decide to sin, it starts in our minds. Pride tells us we deserve whatever it is we are coveting. Another word for coveting is lusting, and what we lust after covers a large gamut: food, sex, things, positions, even spiritual gifts or ministries. Read John 21:17–22. When Peter wanted to know if John (the disciple whom Jesus loved) would suffer too, Jesus rebuked Peter, basically telling him to concentrate on his own obedience and not to worry about John. It’s God’s choice, not ours, what he wants for us. Contentment is difficult when we are looking around, making comparisons. There is no winning with comparisons. If we see someone who possesses more than we do, we are tempted to feel envious of that person. On the other hand, if we see someone who possesses less than we do, we are tempted to feel superior to the person.

[Q] What did David want that he didn’t have? What did it lead to? What was the final result of his lust?

[Q] In her article “Seeing Green,” Nancy Beach says that “envy occurs when you compare yourself with someone else, and in the comparison feel deprived or lacking.” Name some times in your life you felt lacking. How did you respond?

[Q] Beach further explains, “Envy devalues our self-worth and the uniqueness of God’s creation, gradually distancing us from him and others.” How does this occur? Share a time in your life when you felt distanced from God as a result of your envy or covetousness. What did you do to rectify the situation?

[Q] Beach writes, “One way to fight envy is to talk to the person you are envious of.” Mention a time you struggled with envy. What exactly were you envious of? How did you get victory over it?

Teaching point three: Greed is the opposite of contentment. When John D. Rockefeller was asked how much money it would take to make him happy, he responded, “Just a little more.” The children’s story The Fisherman’s Wife portrays this lack of

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The Joy of Being Content Page !4 contentment. A fisherman caught a magic fish that granted him three wishes. When he shared his experience with his wife, she looked around at her meager surroundings and demanded he ask for a larger house. The husband complied, but shortly his wife demanded an even larger house. This story captures the dark monster in each of us—greed. We just want more. Remember sitting across the table from your brother, sister, or friend eyeing the piece of cake before you? You were told you could have it if you shared. The well-known rule was: if one cuts the piece, the other gets to choose. Funny how the other piece always looked larger. When I bake cookies, I’m amazed at the rate they disappear. I realize what I want is an eternal cookie jar, one that never empties. God has wired us for life with him, and when we are in our heavenly home, we will finally be satisfied. Here on earth, we also must realize he is the only one who will satisfy us.

[Q] What is tempting you to believe you will be happier once you possess it? Share a time you longed for something. How long did the joy of getting your prized possession or achievement last?

[Q] Complete one of the following sentences: If only I had … or, If only I could be more like … As you continue in your walk with God, do you see yourself as becoming more satisfied, or less? Explain your answer.

[Q] Kimmel (Little House on the Freeway) says, “An unsatisfied heart in a life with much blessing is sin.” What state is your heart in now? Share some of the blessings God has bestowed on you. Why is it so easy to overlook them?

[Q] Share a childhood memory of when you were ungrateful. What was the situation? What was the outcome?

Teaching point four: Contentment comes only if we believe God has our best in mind. When our focus is on anything this world offers as a means of satisfaction, we will be disappointed. God chooses what he gives us. When we are dissatisfied, we are saying that what he has chosen for us is insufficient. Read 1 Timothy 6:8. We are to be satisfied if we have the bare necessities. Paul, who earlier told us of his contentment with weaknesses, hardships, and persecutions, wrote the Book of Timothy. Like Paul, we too can learn to be content. One of God’s names in Scripture is “Jehovah Jireh,” which means “the Lord will provide.” We struggle when what God gives us differs from what we wanted. Or perhaps we don’t agree with God’s timetable. We are tempted to listen to the advertisements around us, believe we deserve whatever it is we want, and pull out our plastic. Read Psalm 145:15. When God gives us our desires, he decides the timing. We find that hard to accept at times, becoming anxious and sometimes taking things in our own hands. Waiting on God is paramount to being content. Resting in God, knowing he is all knowing, good, and more than capable of meeting our needs, provides the perfect environment for the seeds of contentment to grow. Then, when weeds of anxiety and doubt try to sprout up, we can rest in God’s truth. Read Psalm 84:11. There are times God chooses to withhold something because it would not be good for us. Here again, we need to know his character so we can trust him when we don’t understand.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The Joy of Being Content Page !5 [Q] Share something in your life you are waiting for. How long have you been waiting for it? How will it change your life? On a scale of 1–10, where waiting well is 10, where are you regarding this situation?

[Q] Share a time God withheld something you prayed for. Did you find yourself strengthened by the wait, angry by his decision, or are you still wondering about it?

[Q] Tell about a time you withheld something from someone. What were your reasons? What was the outcome?

[Q] What can you do to help you focus on God’s goodness the next time you are waiting? How will that help you in your spiritual walk?

[Q] Give an example of a time in your life when you were patient. What were you waiting for? Was it worth your wait?

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

In Get Serious, Tony Evans says, “One of the tragedies today is that we don’t have enough Christians who know how to give thanks for what they already have.” He goes on to say, “You may not have much, but if you have a compassionate Christ who can get to an all-powerful Father, you have everything you need” (Crossway Books, 1995). God, the Creator of the universe, made each of us and put us here on earth. He promised to take care of us and meet every need we have. The All-Sufficient One listens as we pour out our requests, and he answers lovingly in his timing and in his way. When we agree, we thank God; when we disagree, we may get quiet. And yet, when we have another need, we know where to go. The longer we get to know him, the more we will trust him. And the no’s in life will become easier to hear. Not that we will ever like the word, but we love the One who speaks it. Contentment is a result of a mature life. It isn’t a matter of getting what you want, but instead, wanting what you get. And the more we practice it, the easier it will become. Gratefulness, thankfulness, and contentment will emanate from us as we become like Jesus.

[Q] Name five things God has given you that you are thankful for. How have they blessed your life?

[Q] What tangible things can we do to promote a grateful attitude in our hearts? Share something that has helped you in this area.

[Q] What can’t you get enough of? Describe what you think heaven will be like. Compare and contrast heaven with the Garden of Eden.

[Q] If you have children, how do you cultivate gratitude in their lives?

—Study prepared by Anne Peterson, poet, speaker, and ongoing student of God’s word.

• ChristianBibleStudies.com When God Says No It’s All About Joy Does God Always Bless Believers? Too Much Stuff Prosperity and Faith A Biblical Perspective on Money

• Cultivating Contentment, Jill Briscoe (Cook Communications, 2003; ISBN 0781439523)

• Keys to Contentment: A Study of Philippians, Sharon Steele (Gospel Light, 1998; ISBN 08307211304)

• The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, J. Burrohs (Banner of Truth, 1998; ISBN 0851510914)

• The Way of Solomon: Finding Joy and Contentment in the Wisdom of Ecclesiastes, Rami M. Shapiro (Harper Collins Publishing, 2000; ISBN 0060673001)

• Women of Faith: Cultivating Contentment, Luci Swindoll (Thomas Nelson, 2004; ISBN 0785251529) ! !

By Nancy Beach, for the study, “The Joy of Being Content”

You know the type: the woman who effortlessly sews her own window treatments, makes her own candles, or prepares gourmet meals “to die for.” I call these women the “Martha Stewarts,” and I actually have some friends who fall into this category. One friend put in the plumbing when she and her husband remodeled their home. Another’s such an outstanding gardener, I’m convinced she makes her own dirt! One friend of mine, Ted, married a Martha Stewart. Not only can Cindy, his wife, mother four young children, create a fabulous home, sew everybody little matching outfits, and cook like Julia Child, but she’s loving, generous, fun, and pretty. In short, she used to make me sick! I noticed that when Ted and Cindy first got married, I felt depressed whenever I left their home. That’s because in the domestic arena—cooking, decorating, gardening, and crafts—I feel somewhat insecure. But as the years have gone by, I’ve recognized my sadness and my tendency to use sarcasm when I was with Ted and Cindy as masks for envy. According to the dictionary, envy’s defined as: “desire for something possessed by another.” Envy occurs when you compare yourself with someone else, and in the comparison, feel deprived or lacking. Unfortunately, it’s an all-too-human tendency to look over our shoulder to see who gets the office with the window, who has a new sweater on, who has the most gifted children, or who gets to go to the Caribbean while we freeze in Chicago. Too many of us live in a perpetual state of discontent, whimperingly wondering, Why you and not me? While envy is a normal—and unavoidable—emotion, that doesn’t mean God treats it casually. The reality is, he’s so set against it that he prohibited it: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor” (Exodus 20:17).

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Seeing Green Page !2 Most of us don’t spend our energy envying other people’s oxen, but we do envy their hair, car, income, personality, achievements, lifestyle—even spiritual gifts. Although the sin of envy doesn’t get as much press as adultery, murder, or stealing, its effects can be disastrous. Envy devalues our self-worth and the uniqueness of God’s creation, gradually distancing us from him and others. If you’ve been seeing green lately, here are some practical suggestions on how to change the way you look at things. Call a spade a spade. Admit to your feelings, but remember, envy has many disguises—constructive criticism, self-pity, even fake praise. How do you know if what you’re really feeling is envy? Ask yourself: ♦ Do you get upset when acquaintances advance professionally or socially? ♦ Do you belittle the accomplishments, talents, or appearance of others? ♦ Do you feel tempted to sabotage a person to whom you feel inferior? ♦ Do you feel secretly pleased when a friend, even a loved one, suffers a setback? Examine yourself carefully. If what’s really going on is envy, say it out loud: “I’m feeling envious.” Once you own up to envy, you can receive God’s forgiveness for it and the strength to change. Stop hiding, start talking. If possible, talk to the person you envy. Bring your secret out into the light, and see if you can work together to dispel it. Chances are, you’ll even discover that person envies something about you! This inevitably happens when women talk about hair. Those of us with straight hair envy curly hair. Those with short hair envy long hair. With men, it’s really simple: They all just want hair! Do you know what else you’ll learn when you get up close to the people you envy? Often you’ll discover their lives aren’t as wonderful as they appear. You’ll find they struggle with things about which you had no idea. Get off the comparison track. I run laps at my local Y.M.C.A., and its track has three lanes: the inside for walkers, the outside for speed demons, and the middle for the rest of us. Sometimes I notice that when a fast person comes along, I become competitive. I’m not going to let her beat me, I think, so I begin running faster and faster. The trouble is, I run too fast for my own pace, and by the end of my run, I’m completely out of steam. I’m learning I don’t have to compare myself with the really fast runners—or the slower ones, either. I just need to run my race. If you’re a Christ follower as I am, we’re running a race to build God’s kingdom in our hearts and in the world. But runners who look over their shoulders take the risk of stumbling or falling before they make it to the finish line. ! ! ARTICLE Seeing Green Page !3 Tap into the positive. The destructive side of envy is self-hatred, resentment, and covetousness. But if you can convert your envy into something positive, such as admiration, you can become motivated to emulate instead of envy someone else. For example, my college roommate, Laura, inspired me to begin exercising. Laura was a runner, and at first I envied her consistency. But when I transferred my negative feelings into emulation, I decided to follow Laura’s example. Reevaluate what you want in life. If what you envy is attainable, such as a firmer, fitter body, start working out! But if what you want is unattainable—all the voice lessons in the world won’t make me a singer—learn to accept your limitations. Keep in mind you don’t have to be good at everything. Savor your uniqueness. The truth is, our Creator longs for us to be content with how he made us and with what he chooses to give us. When I envy the Martha Stewarts of the world, I waste precious energy focusing on what I can’t do instead of celebrating what I can do, such as lead and encourage others in my church. It’s impossible to have a grateful attitude when you’re envious; you’re too busy feeling deprived. But God designed us each as “one of a kind”—and no other human being exactly like you and I will ever walk the face of this earth again. Crank up the celebration. Have you ever noticed how it’s easier to mourn with those who mourn than rejoice with those who rejoice? That’s because envy is divisive, spoiling our ability to enjoy others. Single people envy marrieds; married envy singles. Those who don’t have children envy those who do. Sometimes I’m tempted to envy the freedom and solitude of my friends who don’t have young children—until I remember how at peace I am with my choice to have a family. Remember that a friend’s victories are your victories. So when she receives a promotion, a new car, or diamond earrings, learn to say, “I’m so happy for you” without gritting your teeth. Don’t let the stab of envy rob you of the joy of shared celebration. Discover the crux of true contentment. In Psalm 73, the psalmist laments how much the godless people around him had. He was disillusioned until he met God and realized that what he had was far more important. Verses 23–28 describe a heart that wrestled with envy yet ultimately arrived at peace and contentment: “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into your glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Our culture drives us to seek significance in all the wrong places, so for most of us, it’s a lifelong battle to keep returning to the simplicity of desiring only God. But God longs for you and me to have hearts at peace. He knows how deadly envy is, and he asks us to get rid of it for our sake, the sake of our relationship to him, and the sake of our relationships with others.

! ! ARTICLE Seeing Green Page !4 I’m making progress with my “Martha Stewart” envy. I visited Ted and Cindy recently, and had a wonderful time. I deeply appreciated Cindy’s hospitality, her beautiful home, and outstanding meal. Gradually I’m accepting with joy who I am— and who I’m not. Don’t let envy color your world. If you’ve been seeing green, admit it to God. He’ll help you find contentment.

—Nancy Beach is the programming director and a teaching pastor at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, Illinois. She and her family live in the Chicago area.

“Seeing Green,” by Nancy Beach, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, September/October 1999, Page 82 ! !

! ! !

LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 6 Healthy Body, Healthy Spirit What do hydration and adequate sleep have to do with living water and the peace that passes understanding?

Western culture sends some strange messages about bodies, especially women’s bodies. They are to be thin but not skinny, toned but never sweaty, tanned but UV-protected, sexy but devoid of any signs of pregnancy. To make matters worse, as Ruth McGinnis points out in an article for TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, our media role models employ armies of stylists to help them look perfect at all times. No wonder we’re tempted to look in the mirror and say, “Yuck!”

What does the Bible say about our bodies? How can we gain a godly perspective on beauty? Most important, how does our physical health relate to spiritual health? These are the questions we’ll explore in this study.

Lesson #6

Scripture: Genesis 2:4–7, 20–25; 1 Samuel 16:6–7; Psalm 139:13–14; Proverbs 31:30; Isaiah 53:1–5; Luke 8:43–48; Romans 5:1–5; 1 Corinthians 9:24–27, 15:39–46; James 1:2–4; 1 Peter 3:3–4; 2 Peter 1:5–7

Based on: “Discovering a Healthier You,” TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, September/October 2002, Vol. 24, No. 5, Page 76

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Healthy Body, Healthy Spirit ! Page !2

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Discovering a Healthier You” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN (included at the end of this study). In October 2003 a female student wrote an anonymous column for the Duke University student newspaper, hinting that Duke’s expectations of “effortless perfection” from women in the campus community had driven her to the brink of suicide. Too scared to discuss her sense of failure with anyone, she hoped the newspaper would break its policy against anonymous articles and print her cry for help. Editors agreed, and “effortless perfection” became the campus watchword, spawning numerous letters to the editor, lectures, forums, and initiatives aimed at easing stress on women’s bodies and minds. Women encounter different stresses once they progress beyond college. Job schedules and family commitments make it exponentially more difficult to find time to exercise. Pregnancy and childbirth take a lasting toll on the anatomy. Healthy salads are replaced by the hot dogs and macaroni that the kids will actually eat. It’s far too easy for women to let their own needs— for sleep, nutrition, exercise, time with God—slide to the bottom of the priority list. But as McGinnis warns, “Nobody benefits from a woman who doesn’t take care of herself.”

Discussion starters:

[Q] How does the pressure of “effortless perfection” manifest itself in your world? From where do you feel this message the most? How do you deal with the pressure to be perfect?

[Q] When was the last time you felt really healthy?

[Q] On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your health today?

[Q] What images and emotions come to mind when you think of trying to get healthier?

[Q] What is one thing you wish you could do, but your body just isn’t up to the task?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: God cares about our bodies. Read Genesis 2:4–7 and 20–25, Psalm 139:13–14, Luke 8:43–48, and 1 Corinthians 15:39–46. These verses show God to be intimately involved in every phase of our physical existence.

[Q] What does it tell us about God that he puts so much effort into creating, sustaining, and ultimately resurrecting our bodies? What does it tell us about our bodies?

[Q] What do other elements of Christian belief and practice, such as the Incarnation, Communion, and baptism, teach about the importance of bodily life? Why, for example, is it so crucial—and so difficult for many people to understand—that God himself, in Jesus Christ, became an eating, sleeping, sweating, aching, even dying man?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Healthy Body, Healthy Spirit Page !4 [Q] Many non-Christian schools of thought, such as Manichæism and Buddhism, teach that the material world is evil and only the spiritual deserves attention. What are some likely consequences of these ideas? Can you think of any ways these ideas have infiltrated Christianity?

[Q] How should a body that God cares about be treated?

Teaching point two: Godly beauty isn’t always pretty. Read 1 Samuel 16:6–7, Proverbs 31:30, Isaiah 53:1–5, and 1 Peter 3:3–4. The Isaiah passage, a well-known prophecy of Christ’s sufferings, might seem brutal in juxtaposition with the other passages, but it underscores the same point: appearances can be deceiving.

[Q] What are some synonyms for beautiful in Western culture? What kinds of synonyms does the Bible suggest? How do the values encapsulated in the two lists of words contrast?

[Q] If Christ could have chosen any kind of body for his incarnation, why do you think he chose the one described by Isaiah?

[Q] If you were to consider changing your diet or exercise regimen, would you be more motivated by looking better or feeling better? Why?

[Q] Though the Bible provides a useful corrective to our culture’s fixation on physical attractiveness, it is wrong to assume that God disdains beauty. He did, after all, create the beauty in the world, and many prominent biblical women (such as Sarah, Abigail, Rachel, and Esther) are described as beautiful. What are some good purposes served by physical beauty? How can we celebrate those good purposes without falling into beauty worship?

Teaching point three: Health and godliness both require self-discipline. McGinnis acknowledges that committing to a healthier lifestyle will be hard work, but she argues that the physical and spiritual rewards are more than worth the effort. The New Testament makes this point abundantly clear in passages like Romans 5:1–5, 1 Corinthians 9:24–27, James 1:2–4, and 2 Peter 1:5–7.

[Q] Why is physical exercise such a good metaphor for spiritual discipline? Where does the metaphor break down? Does it work as well for women as for men?

[Q] What are some obstacles to attaining greater physical health? Which of these are also obstacles to attaining spiritual maturity?

[Q] Which is easier to hide: poor physical conditioning or poor spiritual conditioning? How will each deficiency catch up to you eventually?

[Q] What are the attributes and capabilities of a physically healthy person? What are the attributes and capabilities of a spiritually healthy person?

[Q] Sometimes injuries or disease make physical health unattainable. Thinking of people you know in this situation, how do physical infirmities affect their spiritual health? Why do some people lose ground spiritually when their bodies take a hit, while others grow spiritually stronger as they become physically weaker?

In his modern classic The Spirit of the Disciplines, Dallas Willard writes, “Faith today is treated as something that only should make us different, not that actually does or can make us different. In reality we vainly struggle against the evils of this world, waiting to die and go to heaven. Somehow we’ve gotten the idea that the essence of faith is entirely a mental and inward thing.” His solution is to rethink our theology of life and the body and to reintroduce disciplines, like meditation and fasting, that combine spiritual concepts with physical actions. Far from being a detriment or a distraction, he writes, “The human body was made to be the vehicle of human personality ruling the earth for God through his power.” We humans simply cannot commune with God or serve his purposes without engaging our bodies as well as our minds and spirits.

[Q] Among the practices McGinnis advises are going to bed and rising around the same time each day, taking time for walks, drinking more water, and engaging in activities you enjoy. How could following these practices enhance both your physical health and your spiritual health?

[Q] How should a distinctly Christian approach to wellness differ from the advice one might get from a fitness show or a secular women’s magazine?

[Q] How could you serve God better if you were physically and spiritually healthier? How could you enjoy life more?

[Q] What physical and spiritual health goals would you set for yourself in the next three months? How can you work on both sets of goals simultaneously? How will you keep yourself accountable for reaching them? What will be your reward?

—Study prepared by Elesha Coffman, graduate student and former managing editor of CHRISTIAN HISTORY magazine. !

• Christian Bible Studies • Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster (Harpercollins, 1988; ISBN 0060628391) • Greater Health God’s Way, Stormie Omartian (Harvest House, 1999; ISBN 0736900616)

• Health 4 Life, Jody Wilkinson (Gospel Light, 2002; ISBN 0830730516) • If God Is in Control, Why Do I Have a Headache? Bible Lessons for a Woman’s Total Health, Debbie T. Williams (New Hope Publishers, 2004; ISBN 1563098199)

• 10 Questions to Diagnose Your Spiritual Health, Donald S. Whitney (NavPress, 2001; ISBN 1576830969)

• The Spirit of the Disciplines, Dallas Willard (Harpercollins, 1990; ISBN 0060694424) • “Effortless Perfection?” http://www.chronicle.duke.edu/vnews/display.v/ART/ 2003/10/24/3f990e408e48f?in_archive=1 ! !

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ! ! ARTICLE Discovering a Healthier You Christian wellness professional Ruth McGinnis offers tips to help you feel better and more balanced physically and spiritually.

By Amy M. Tatum, for the study, “Healthy Body, Healthy Spirit.”

Does finding the motivation, energy, and extra minutes in a day to stay healthy seem impossible in this spread-yourself-too-thin world? You’re probably thinking, How could I possibly have time to go to the gym between work, dinner, and my kids’ soccer practice? And even if I had time, where would I start?

To help you get on the right track to better health, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN talked to certified personal trainer and professional musician Ruth McGinnis, author of Living the Good Life (Revell) and Breathing Freely: Celebrating the Imperfect Life (Revell). Ruth shared her expertise on how to take better care of yourself—and, surprise!—even urges you not to feel guilty if you don’t have time to hit the gym. Check out her practical tips to rejuvenate your vitality and live more abundantly starting today.

If you haven’t been taking care of yourself, how on earth do you find the motivation to begin? First of all, nobody can motivate another person. You have to have that inner desire for a healthier life. But one motivation that works for almost everyone is fear—the fear of losing your range of motion, the fear of high cholesterol or high blood pressure. When you’re in your 40s, as I am, you start to realize maintenance is crucial. If you don’t start maintaining the health you’ve already got, look out, because it doesn’t get easier. Investing in your health isn’t a luxury. Often I’ve found a woman with a husband and kids to care for feels guilty making that investment in herself. But when you start to lose muscle mass, gain weight, and feel tired all the time, you can’t give something you don’t have. Nobody benefits from a woman who doesn’t take care of herself.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Discovering a Healthier You Page !2 So how do you get started? It’s not easy, especially for women with small children and hectic lives. But the first big important step is getting enough sleep. Keeping regular sleeping hours is crucial, because the more disciplined things, such as eating right and exercising, are harder to implement if you’re exhausted. Go to bed at the same time every night and get up at about the same time every morning. That’s a tried-and-true method for improving your sleep. The problem is, many of us get involved watching television, or suddenly have a spurt of energy to clean the kitchen at the end of the day. Those things distract the body from preparing itself for sleep. Look at the way you manage your hours, especially late in the day, and make wiser choices to help you get to bed earlier and to give yourself more time to wind down so you can sleep.

Any suggestions? Turn off that television and computer! Artificial light from the computer stimulates your nervous system, so it makes it harder for you to fall asleep. Some people take a bath or read; others turn down the phone ringer. Turn off bright lights and lower the noise level even for 30 minutes. Our culture expects us to run ourselves ragged on an inhuman schedule. Lots of truly exhausted people still have trouble falling asleep because their mind’s still going. Maybe they’ve worked hard mentally but haven’t exerted their body all day, which makes it tough to get a good night’s sleep.

Many of us sit all day at work. How can we exert ourselves more? You have to look for opportunities to move around. For example, if you work on the second floor, use the stairs instead of the elevator. One of the greatest exercises for your backside is to go up stairs two at a time. By lifting your leg that much higher, you really engage your rear-end muscles. Over a period of time, the difference between taking the stairs versus taking the elevator has a significant impact on how much muscle you use and how many calories you burn. Building and maintaining muscle mass, especially later in life, is extremely important. Also, taking a 15-minute walk during your lunch hour or break time can have huge benefits. Even if you don’t have time to change clothes and go to a gym, you still can accomplish something by just going out and walking. Grab a friend, and make it fun.

You’re suggesting we change the way we think about an exercise regimen? Exactly! A regimen doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym or a weight-loss program to experience some benefits. Those things are great, but a regimen can be as simple as being aware of crucial areas—staying hydrated, getting sleep, being more active, eating right—and applying small steps daily to make a difference in your health.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Discovering a Healthier You Page !3 Our generation grew up during the fitness revolution. We’ve been taught we need to have an ideal fitness regimen. But what’s been lost in that message is that even if you don’t have time to do an optimal fitness routine, there’s still lots you can do everyday to make a huge difference in your health. Integrating little spurts of activity during the day, even if it’s just taking the stairs, helps. Many health clubs today have terrific deals for women to help with exercise and motivation. Several offer free childcare. Try visiting different gyms to find the one right for you, or partner with a friend to exercise together. One of my former clients, who wanted to feel more fit, didn’t want to join a health club. Instead, she signed up for ice-skating lessons. She got regular exercise and worked all the muscles in her body—plus she loved it! Discovering something you love to do, even if it doesn’t sound like a typical fitness routine, is a great way to maintain your motivation.

What if your energy wanes in the late afternoon or evening? I know what you mean. At the end of the day, lots of women say to themselves, I should go on a walk before I have to start dinner, or do push-ups and crunches, but they feel too fatigued to do it. That’s where you have to take a leap of faith and believe that making the effort actually will make you feel less tired and will help you sleep at night. There’s a mental game you can play to help get motivated. Think to yourself, I’m just going to put on my walking shoes. Then, after you do that, tell yourself, I’m just going to walk for 5 minutes because I’m so tired. Usually those 5 minutes turn into a 20-minute walk. I can’t count the number of times I’ve done that for myself. Also, being dehydrated can cause you to have low energy. Most people don’t drink the eight to ten glasses of water they need daily. Always keep water with you so you’re hydrating your body.

Once a woman’s motivated to live more healthily, where can she turn for encouragement to keep going? Turn to Scripture for encouragement. Psalm 121:1–2 says, “I lift my eyes to the hills —where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” That’s my motto. I remind myself of all the things I can’t control, and of who is in control. Also, there are Scripture references that remind us God didn’t design us to be couch potatoes. For example, Isaiah 40:31 says, “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” God designed us with an incredible body. He designed us to thrive, to dig into our human resources and use them. That verse in Isaiah reminds me that investing in my physical well-being can be a spiritual pursuit.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Discovering a Healthier You Page !4 How so? When I’m too busy, it’s hard for me to balance my spiritual life, to connect with God. That’s why quiet time for reflection is monumentally important. A lot of times, I’ll make a concentrated effort to pray for the concerns of my heart, then stop and listen to God. It’s interesting to be present with God without an agenda. Being open to receive comfort or an answer or direction takes time. But I’m just like everybody else—I wake up in the morning with expectations for the day. I know I’ll have challenges in terms of time management, and disappointments in areas I can’t control. I went through a process of relinquishing control before I felt as though I could surrender to God. I’m trying to make that leap from my will be done to thy will every day. Every morning I get up, surrender my schedule to God, and try to celebrate each day.

That’s tough to do in our culture. When I turn on the television and see people who’ve had the benefit of a make-up artist, hair stylist, special lighting, or cosmetic surgery, I realize our culture has lured us into believing people with outer beauty have it all together. What we really need are role models to share that there’s beauty in the aging process. We read about the celebrity culture and the amount of time they devote to looking perfect. We need to be reminded how very empty that is. In the process, they’re losing time they could be investing in other areas of life, such as relationships. And ultimately, we fight a losing battle with aging. Your body’s going to change, and your skin’s going to get bigger than your body. You’re not supposed to look 20 when you’re 50.

But we can make choices to stay healthy. Yes. A healthy lifestyle is a lifetime pursuit. It’s not something you just get one day and have forever. Put a healthy lifestyle together in a way that works for you, and don’t feel bombarded by the messages from the fitness world, infomercial world, and talk- show world. My message isn’t a thrilling, cutting-edge breakthrough. It’s not the kind of regimen that’s going to make headline news, because it’s simply a reassuring message that the basics have worked and continue to work. That’s why I love the ice-skating story so much. When I heard about that woman’s workout routine, I thought, Good for you for finding something that’s a passion for you. We each have a better idea of what’s good for us than we give ourselves credit for. And pop culture is largely to blame for that, because we have these insidious messages always coming at us to tell us we’re not thin enough, not young enough, not rich enough, not organized enough. Martha Stewart makes me break out in hives. She should see my kitchen floor—it’s always a mess! But there’s so much freedom in being able to see the beauty and uniqueness of your own life and body. Investing in your well-being is investing in your life. Putting on a

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Discovering a Healthier You Page !5 pair of shoes and going for a walk is a wonderful way to make you feel healthier. But to be able to practice being who you are and celebrate your unique gifts—to be able to discern what matters and what doesn’t, and to be committed to a meaningful life— that’s what life’s all about.

For more information about Ruth and healthier living, check out Ruth’s website at www.ruthmcginnis.com.

“Discovering a Healthier You,” TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, September/October 2002, Vol. 24, No. 5, Page 76 !

Tips for Getting Fit 6 THINGS YOU CAN DO DAILY TO IMPACT YOUR WELL BEING ! Avoid falling for fitness-revolution hype. Between unrealistic body ! types, skimpy clothing, and all the machines purporting to keep you fit, ! there are many reasons to feel discouraged. Observe fitness industry images with detachment; remind yourself the best reason to exercise is to stay healthy, and you already have everything you need to be physically active. Keep track of your efforts. Record your activity so you can fine tune your approach to exercise by discovering what works for you. Another benefit: It’s motivating to see results from the efforts you make toward better health. Make deals with yourself. When you don’t have the desire to tackle a 20-minute walk, give yourself permission to do 5 minutes, and let yourself off the hook. Usually a 5-minute walk will turn into 20 minutes. Getting started is the most important step toward physical activity as a way of life. Find a fitness professional. It’s possible to hire a qualified trainer without breaking the bank. Most can design a safe and effective exercise program for you, work with you for a few sessions, then follow up when needed. Try to find a fitness professional with certification from ACSM (the American College of Sports Medicine), NASM (the National Academy of Sports Medicine), ACE (American Council on Exercise), or another nationally recognized fitness trainer organization. Make exercise enjoyable. Choose an activity you look forward to doing; otherwise, it won’t become a consistent part of your life. For me, running with my sister or my dog is always more compelling than running alone. Give yourself permission to start over. When it comes to exercise, nothing’s more defeating than an all-or-nothing attitude. Remind yourself, I can negotiate my goals and my good intentions as often as necessary.

LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 7 Equal Opportunity Friendships It’s a joy to have all kinds of friends.

Where is it written that friends have to be carbon copies of us? When we were children the predominant factor in choosing friends was geographical location. Whoever lived nearby was a potential friend. But as we grew up, our worlds became larger. When we reached adulthood, we found we could become friends with people of different cultures and ages. Can we learn from those who are older than we are? Do we have anything to offer those who are younger than we are? Can we be friends with those who don’t share our beliefs? This study will look at what these friendships can offer.

Lesson #7

Scripture: 1 Samuel 18:3; John 15:5,15; Acts 10:1–33; James 2:23; Titus 2:3–5

Based on: “Unexpected Friends,” by Camerin J. Courtney, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, November 1996, No. 6, Page 66

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Equal Opportunity Friendships ! Page !2

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Unexpected Friends” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN (included at the end of this study). As young children, we were often thrown together with other children because their parents were friends with our parents. If this mix happened when we were young enough, we learned to get along. Another criteria we used to pick friends was their belongings. The child who had a swing set in his or her backyard did not lack friends, nor did the lucky one with a swimming pool. As we grew older, we began to pick friends for different reasons. Many times we chose friends on the basis of our common interests. It made sense that we had friends that liked the same things we liked and hated the things we hated.

Discussion starters:

[Q] Share what your first friend was like. How old were you and how long did the friendship last?

[Q] What was the craze when you were growing up? Did you have toys that drew other kids to your house? What toys would cause you to feign friendship?

[Q] What kinds of things did you enjoy doing with your friends when you were little?

[Q] As a child, did you have any friends who were truly different than you? How did you meet them?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Friendship is God’s idea. Read James 2:23. Friendship was God’s idea, as in this verse where he called Abraham his friend. Since he created it, he can provide it. Although our paths may sometimes have broken friendships along the way, we can also experience friendships that are fulfilling, significant, and long lasting. Read 1 Samuel 18:3 about two friends. Having a relationship with Almighty God can teach us how to have a relationship with one another. In this case David and Jonathan were close friends. Jonathan would have done anything for David, and he proved it. Friendships can be close and fulfilling. When Jesus came, he, too, had friends. They were a motley crew he chose one by one from different walks of life. Though each was different, Jesus loved them all. Read John 15:15. Jesus calls his disciples friends. The whole idea of friendship was God’s idea.

[Q] If you could choose one character from the Bible to be a friend, other than Jesus, share who it would be and why.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Equal Opportunity Friendships Page !4 [Q] What characteristics of a good friend do you think Abraham possessed? Why would God call him his friend?

[Q] What is the difference between a friend and a servant? Why did Jesus make this distinction?

Teaching point two: Passing on life experiences can be enriching. We are accustomed to sharing our life experiences with family members, but another gratifying opportunity is to share some of those same experiences with younger friends. Read Titus 2:3–5. God instructs older women to teach younger women. Who among us has not felt grateful when someone has taken the time to warn us about something she has experienced (if it’s said in the right way)? Befriending a person, investing in their lives, and then sharing some of your journey can be a wonderful experience for both parties. Having younger friends can also give us a perspective we wouldn’t have otherwise. It lets us into a circle we had already moved out of. Sometimes being with people who do not possess the relationships you possess can create in you a newfound gratefulness at what God has given to you. It’s easy to take for granted what we have had for a while. For instance, seeing the struggles of being single can make your spouse look better to you. Camerin Courtney writes, “I realized how much I would have missed if I’d allowed myself to be paralyzed by the mistaken notion that young mothers don’t have time for friends, or that older women have nothing to gain from friendship with someone half their age. God’s blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Once we discover that, reaching out to people of different ages or stages in life becomes an adventure.” In some churches there are small groups who meet according to stages in life. There are other groups who are eclectic; people from all walks of life come together to study God’s Word and share life experiences with one another. Attending one of these groups would afford you the opportunity to get out of your circle and merge with others.

[Q] Is a mentorship the same thing as a friendship? What are the similarities, the differences?

[Q] Share some advice someone older than you imparted that enriched your life. How did it impact you?

[Q] Do you have an opportunity to form friendships with those who are younger than you are? What are some of the challenges this might present?

[Q] Can you think of a person or couple younger than you who might benefit from a friendship with you? What practical things could you do to get this started?

Teaching point three: Cultural lines can be crossed for friendships. Today, whether you live in the United States or in Europe, there exists the opportunity to meet and get to know people from other cultures. Those in the military are mixed together, often finding long-lasting friendships with people from different backgrounds. William Cowper said, “Variety is the spice of life that gives it all its flavor.” What an opportunity we have to learn about other cultures with our colleges full of international students. How interesting it is to learn the different traditions and beliefs each culture holds. How fun to experience different foods from other cultures. Though differences exist, there are similarities as well. Smiles are universal. They convey much to a person who is far away from anything familiar.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Equal Opportunity Friendships Page !5 Cultivating a friendship with someone from another culture can be rewarding. There are friendships formed here in the United States which blossom into lifelong interactions. E-mail and snail mail are anticipated month after month. Getting a Christmas card from another country is exciting. It’s the grown-up version of a pen pal. Courtney said, “Though people from other walks of life may be less convenient to get to know and even a bit intimidating, I’ve learned they make wonderful friends.” Perhaps we need to rethink the idea that friendship should be comfortable all the time. Who knows what could be waiting for us on the other side of a cultural line? Read Acts 10:1–23.

[Q] What cultural line did Peter have to cross to go see Cornelius?

[Q] Have you ever had a friendship with someone from another culture? What did you find most interesting about it?

[Q] What culture are you drawn to? What is a practical way you could meet someone in that culture who could become a potential friend?

[Q] What would be the greatest challenges in cultivating a cross-cultural friendship? Brainstorm how you could overcome those challenges.

Teaching point four: It’s okay if some friends don’t share your beliefs. It’s one thing to have a friend from a different culture, or a friend who is at a different stage in life, but sometimes our friends don’t share our religious beliefs. Is it possible for two friends with opposing views about God to remain friends? Sadly, some friends part ways over the issue of God. It’s funny how we all start out the same, not knowing about God, but then cut off those who don’t know him when we do. Granted, there are times that we change lifestyles and therefore lose friends. Still, it is possible to have friends that do not have the same beliefs. And when we do stand on opposite sides, we can be the one to lift them in prayer. If we listen to their struggles, laugh with them, and take part in their lives, we may be invited to share our stories with them. We are simply blind people who now see, and that’s what we want to convey. Sometimes we who find God feel it is our sole responsibility to drag our friend to a saving knowledge of Christ, forgetting for a moment that is not how we came. Others have come to know about God and kept it a secret for fear of disapproval. The story was told about one such conversion. When a young woman (I’ll call her Betty) heard about salvation and accepted it for herself, she immediately ran to tell her friend next door. Upon hearing the news her friend replied. “Oh, I’m a Christian too.” To which Betty gently responded, “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Being friends with someone with different beliefs is possible; Jesus did it. Bill Hybels and Lee Strobel said in Becoming a Contagious Christian:

A person’s coming to Christ is like a chain with many links. There is the first link, middle links, and a last link. There are many influences and conversations that precede a person’s decision to convert to Christ …. God has not called me to only be the last link. He has called me to be faithful and to love all people. We don’t know where someone is as far as hearing about God and his son Jesus Christ. We can be obedient by sharing our story when God leads us to. We can be one of those links to our friends. Continue reading about Peter and Cornelius in Acts 10:24–33.

[Q] How did Cornelius reach out to his friends (v.24)? How might you follow his example?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Equal Opportunity Friendships Page !6 [Q] Do you have friends who do not share your religious beliefs? What challenges has this presented in your friendship?

[Q] Was one of your friends instrumental to your hearing about Jesus? In what way?

[Q] Share about an unsuccessful attempt to share your faith with a friend. What was the final outcome? Did your friendship survive?

[Q] Have you had the privilege of sharing your faith with someone who accepted Christ? Share your experience.

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

We have looked at this thing called friendship thoroughly. We have talked about how our friends don’t have to be duplicates of us. We can have friends who are older and wiser, younger and not as experienced, from another culture, and we can even have friends who do not share our beliefs. The Lord can show us how to be friends to those he brings into our lives. Not everyone we meet will be a friend, but we can be instrumental in introducing her to the friend of sinners. Read John 15:5. It has been said that there are friends for reasons, for seasons, and for life. Jesus is our friend for life. Maybe God has someone in your life that needs a friend like you. We can actually ask the Holy Spirit to guide us toward future friends. Friendship is an equal opportunity for all.

[Q] Friends enjoy each other. What does Jesus enjoy about you?

[Q] What is one area from our study that has stretched your thinking?

[Q] As you look back on your friendships, share one in which you especially saw God’s leading. What made this friendship so special? Alternate Activity: Ask each participant to write the word FRIEND vertically on a piece of paper. Ask them to write a word for each letter depicting a characteristic they would like their friends to see in them. We are all a work in progress, but this is something we can pray for each other when everyone is finished.

—Study prepared by Anne Peterson, published poet, speaker, ongoing student of God’s word, and regular contributor to Christian Bible Studies.

Additional Resources • ChristianBibleStudies.com -Developing True Accountability -Friendships That Benefit Parenting -Authentic Fellowship

• Celebrating Friendship: Women of Faith Series, Traci Mullins (Zondervan Corp., 1998; ISBN: 031021338X)

• Friends: How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship, Ade Adesina (Destiny Image, 2004; ISBN: 8890058889)

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Equal Opportunity Friendships Page !7 • The Friendships of Women, 10th Anniversary Edition, Dee Brestin (Cook Communications, 1997; ISBN 1564766322)

• Join me For Tea: Infusing Friendships with Love and Laughter, Emilie Barnes (Harvest House Gifts, 2001; ISBN: 0736906681)

• Virtues of Friendship and Loyalty, William J. Bennett (Thomas Nelson, 2001; ISBN: 0849917255) !

By Camerin J. Courtney, for the study, “Equal Opportunity Friendships”

Three years ago, nearly all my friends resembled me: twenty something, never married, career minded, childless. Yet, when I moved from my college town of Des Moines, Iowa, to Chicago for my first job, this changed dramatically. Suddenly I was dining out with mothers of toddlers, going to antique fairs with women in their 40s, and attending aerobics classes with stay-at-home moms. It was great, but strange. To be honest, women who wield diaper bags intimidated me. They knew this whole other lingo (nuks and sippy cups) and lived by a completely different schedule (4:00 a.m. feedings!). And I’d just assumed women who were old enough to have birthed me wouldn’t want to hang out with me. But I was wrong. And as women of other ages and stages in life got to know me, they revealed similar fears: Would a young single woman find a mom of teens interesting? I would, and I do. When we all got past our fears and reservations, some great friendships developed. Though people from other walks of life may be less convenient to get to know and even a bit intimidating, I’ve learned they make wonderful friends. Whether you’re in your twenties or forties, married or single, childfree, a mother, or a grandmother, here’s why it’s worth pursuing friendships with women outside your comfort zone.

They know stuff you don’t. One of the first people I got to know at my new job was Jan. She was a single, forty- year-old woman who worked in the office next to mine. I learned she was into gardening, interior design, and Color Me Beautiful. And, more importantly, she was willing to share all this information with me, her twenty-two-year-old coworker. Within months Jan had me pegged as an “autumn,” and told me which colors looked best on me in my slowly expanding work wardrobe. A year later, she helped me move into a new apartment and even stayed around to help arrange the furniture and

Copyright © 2005 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ! ARTICLE Unexpected Friends decorations. As a young woman establishing my career and setting up my first “home,” Page !2 I soaked in every ounce of advice and wisdom. But probably my most valuable conversations with Jan were about dating. It was great to have a friend who offered both the wisdom of years of dating experience and the current knowledge of what it’s like to be single. Just as valuable as Jan’s advice was her example. After dating for a couple decades, she was still surviving—in fact, thriving—in a full, active life. On several occasions I simply needed to know this was possible.

They help dispel stereotypes. The evening news, movies, and magazines would have us believe all Generation Xers are whiny slackers who are short on personal hygiene and long on contempt for the world. I’ve met more than one woman who’s bought into this stereotype and expressed surprise when she discovered I’m a normal, functioning human being who falls into this age bracket. As frustrated as the Gen-X stereotype makes me, I must admit I’ve bought into a few stereotypes of my own. For example, I used to think when you grow older, you slow down and life becomes a bit boring. That was until I met Gloria, a sixty-three- year-old woman in the exercise class I lead. She’s one of my most dedicated students. And when she does miss a class, it’s usually because she’s learning about painting, pottery-making, bread-baking, or ballroom dancing in a class somewhere else. And there’s Barb, my fifty-something coworker who, along with her sixty- something husband, is constantly flying overseas for vacations in places like the Holy Lands and Bermuda. These women are more than just stereotype-defying models of older age; they’re my friends. And through our conversations I’ve learned older women have a lot more spunk than I’ve ever given them credit for. I’ve often told Barb, “I can’t wait until I grow up and can jet-set around the world like you.” She just smiles and replies, “I’ve earned it.” And through our friendship I’ve come to view aging with anticipation instead of anxiety. I’d better rest up—it sounds like my most active years are yet to come!

They offer joy from the past and hope for the future. I’m one of two single women on my immediate staff of eighteen people. Consequently, whenever I mention a man’s name or talk about an outing that remotely resembles a date, I’m met with many raised eyebrows from my female friends in the office. When I receive flowers, I don’t know who’s more excited, my married coworkers or me. Some singles might cringe at this “nosiness,” but I don’t mind much. These are the same women who let me sit in their offices and overanalyze every movement, word, and expression of my current flame, or bemoan the fact that there aren’t enough decent single Christian men in this world. ! ! ! ARTICLE Unexpected Friends And I realize there are certain advantages to being single that married people can Page !3 no longer enjoy—like the rush of a new relationship. While some days I’d love to trade in my singleness for the mature love of marriage, I let these married friends share in my current excitement. “We’re just reliving our single years through you, you know,” Louise, a thirty-four- year-old coworker, told me one day after I’d answered a barrage of questions from her and several others about a special date. I know, and I kind of enjoy it. Letting my married friends vicariously enjoy the best of being single is the least I can do to show my appreciation for their relationship advice. And besides, that’s what friends are for. On the flip side, being around so many married friends gives me a clear-cut vision of how great marriage can be. Recently I traveled to North Carolina to spend a four- day weekend with my friend, Christa, and her new husband, Mark. Christa and I had been friends in Chicago for a little over a year before she married and moved out east. While she lived here and was dating Mark long distance, Christa and I spent many hours sitting around her dining room table talking about her dreams of marrying him. My trip gave me the chance to see up close the fulfillment of her seven-year dream. Over four days of gabbing, shopping, and hanging out at the beach, I was bowled over by contagious newlywed love. They called each other “babe” and “hon” and kissed every time they’d been apart—even if was only for a half hour. Having a front-row seat to this blossoming marriage gave me a renewed hope that sometimes dreams do come true, and it really is worth the wait for God’s perfect timing.

They remind you that the grass is pretty green on your side of the fence, too. A few weeks ago on a Saturday morning, Louise and I set out on a search for a cheesecake outlet store. We’d read about it in a local guidebook and our common love of cheesecake united us on a mission: to find, to buy, to indulge. Louise’s two sons—Scott, eight, and Alex, two—went with us. I’d almost forgotten how much fun being around kids can be. As Scott told me about what he was learning in school and Alex played peekaboo with me, I could hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder. But as the morning wore on, I was also reminded of how much work little ones can be. When we got out of the car to go into the store, we had to locate mittens and boots that had been flung in the back of the minivan in an act of two-year-old defiance. We lugged out the stroller … and a blanket … and a favorite toy. As I watched Louise mediate sibling warfare, the ticking got fainter and fainter. Later that afternoon, when I ran a few errands by myself, I noticed the ease with which I whizzed in and out of the car. The only thing I had to lug around was my purse. And there in the middle of the grocery store parking lot, I silently thanked God for this child-free time in my life. Perhaps someday I’ll enjoy the special title “Mommy” and all the blessings that go along with it—but for now I need to appreciate the blessings of freedom and ease.

! ! ! ARTICLE Unexpected Friends I’m afraid I’ve done my share of making others appreciate their lot in life as well. Page !4 Over dinner recently, I rehashed my single struggles to my married friend Annette. “He’s a wonderful guy, but what is being in love really supposed to feel like? My head’s telling me one thing and my heart another.” Following some helpful insights, Annette sighed and said, “Boy, am I glad I’m married.” To anyone else this might have sounded insensitive, but I knew Annette was communicating that she understood the depth of my struggles. And, besides, I couldn’t blame her. I’d painted such a dismal picture of dating, what married person wouldn’t be relieved her dating days were done? I knew that if nothing else productive came out of this conversation (other than some great venting!), at least Annette’s husband would be greeted by a very appreciative wife that evening. When I think back over the past three years, I realize how much I would have missed if I’d allowed myself to remain paralyzed by the mistaken notion that young mothers don’t have time for friends, or that older women have nothing to gain from friendship with someone half their age. God’s blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Once we discover that, reaching out to people of different ages or stages in life becomes an adventure. Stepping outside my comfort zone has never been more rewarding. !

“Unexpected Friends,” by Camerin J. Courtney, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, November 1996, No. 6, Page 66 !

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LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 8 The More Friends the Merrier Cultivating a group of friends.

Thousands of people lack the courage to take the risks involved with making friends, and so they suffer alone. How can we cultivate friendships that are inclusive? What are the benefits to having more than one friend? These are the questions we’ll be asking (and answering) in this study.

Lesson #8

Scripture: Proverbs 11:14; Ecclesiastes 4:12; Matthew 9:9–13; 12:46–50; 19:13–14; Luke 19:1–7; John 14:2

Based on: “Girl Power,” by Camerin Courtney, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, July/August 1999, Vol. 21, No. 4, Page 42 !

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The More Friends the Merrier Page !2 PART 1 Identify the Current Issue

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Girl Power” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). We all experienced it when we were younger. We saw a group of kids that were having fun, and we took a chance. Slowly, deliberately, we made our way over to their game. We swallowed the frog in our throats, stammering out the question, “Can I play?” Then we waited for what seemed like forever to hear the melodious answer, “Sure!” When we matured, the scenario looked similar as we observed a group of people we wanted to join, but when we tried to speak, nothing came out of our mouths. We were certain we wouldn’t be welcome. They would have invited me already if they had wanted to, we tell ourselves. It is possible to feel lonely in a room full of people. The truth is, many people are lonely. Taking a moment to scan a crowded room can fill you in right away. Not everyone is connected to someone. Read Luke 19:1–7. When Jesus was in a crowd, he noticed someone who was by himself and reached out to him. It’s a stretch to reach out to some people. When we have things in common with people, it makes it easier. When we don’t, we have to work at it. Jesus didn’t have anything in common with Zacchaeus, but he still sought him out. In fact, it wasn’t popular for Jesus to even make a movement toward this man. Jesus didn’t care what other people thought—just what his Father thought. Larry Crabb said, “Ordinary people have the power to change other people’s lives. The power is found in connection, that profound meeting when the truest part of one soul meets the emptiest recesses in another and finds something there, when life passes from one to the other. When that happens, the giver is left more full than before and the receiver less terrified, eventually eager to experience even deeper, more mutual connection” (Connecting, 2005).

Discussion starters:

[Q] Share a time when you wanted to join a group of any kind but your fears got the best of you. What was the result?

[Q] Are you aware of those who seem to be on the outskirts of a group? What practical thing can you do the next time you are in a group and notice someone on the fringes?

[Q] Share if you are an introvert or an extrovert. How has this helped or hindered you in getting to know other people?

[Q] Have you experienced the kind of connection that Larry Crabb described? Explain.

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Christianity is non-exclusive. When we were children, we would vie for our parents’ attention. Siblings were rivals. Getting time one on one with a parent was always special. Jesus spent this kind of time with his

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The More Friends the Merrier Page !3 disciples, for example John, “the disciple that Jesus loved.” But Jesus did not exclude people. Read Matthew 19:13–14. Even children were not prevented from coming to Jesus. And back in Jesus’ day, children were not given the status they hold today. It’s easy to exclude people, whether we’re aware of it or not. It takes more work to have a conversation with several rather than just one. You have to listen twice as hard. But the benefits could be double. If we are to help expand the kingdom of God, we can start in our backyards. It’s a practical way to love one another. Camerin Courtney said, “As women we know the benefits of friendship: support, free advice, accountability, laugh therapy, prayer, free rides to the airport, last-minute babysitters, shopping companions, lunch buddies, people to balance out weaknesses—and the list goes on. The great thing is, these benefits increase exponentially when you add more than one friend to the picture.”

[Q] Share a special time when you got to spend one-on-one time with one of your parents. What did you do?

[Q] Name a couple of reasons we choose to do things with just one person instead of inviting another along.

[Q] How many of your friends know each other? Share if you have done anything as a group.

[Q] From the list of benefits Courtney gives in the quote above, name the ones you would rank as the top three.

Teaching point two: Relationships take time and effort. We live in a busy world. People hardly walk anywhere. Whether you see someone in a store or in a car, they usually have a cell phone attached to their ear. We have work, families, and church. How can we have time for relationships when we have only 24 hours in a day? It’s true: relationships take work as well as time, but the benefits far outweigh the cost. If we don’t make the time and effort necessary to have friends, we are the ones that will ultimately lose out. People can share our joys as well as our sorrows, if we let them. Many of us have family members that are friends, but we should have friends outside our family as well. It is not a 1-2-3 formula where you just make a decision, and presto, you have friends. But nonetheless, it is an investment that will yield great returns. And if you do have one or two friends, why not add another to the mix? One temptation will be to think, Why add any more people to my life? I have enough friends; I am content with the way my life is right now. The danger in this thinking is that you are closing the door to what God may have in store for you. Instead, why not be open to whatever he has in mind? After all, he sees the whole picture. If you are closed to adding any more people to your life, confess your rigidity to God. He is the great stretcher of our minds. Read about how Jesus viewed others in Matthew 12:46–50.

[Q] Contrast friendships today with friendships in years gone by. What were some of the benefits of living in a slower society when it came to having relationships? What principles can we borrow from that earlier time period?

[Q] Name the biggest challenge you would face in expanding your list of friends. What would be the biggest benefit?

[Q] Which would you rather receive: an e-mail, a phone call, or a letter? Mention a particular one of those that was special to you and why.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The More Friends the Merrier Page !4 [Q] Think of three people God has in your life right now who could become friends. Share some practical steps you could take to encourage this.

Teaching point three: Having abundant relationships means taking risks. You may think this is too scary: What if they don’t have a good time? What if they don’t get along? This sounds too risky. Courtney said, “You don’t know the gang potential of a group of friends until you try. Sure, it may bomb. But the possibility of a circle of close-knit friends is well worth the risk of a lousy lunch or an awkward shopping excursion.” One way to minimize the risks is to start slowly and plan outings that are less threatening. Getting a group together to watch a chick flick may be less intimidating than making plans for something requiring more participation. You choose how often you all get together. Some women organize get-togethers every couple of months; others may plan just a yearly event. One determining factor could be the stage of life of the women. Read about the risk Jesus took to reach out to others in Matthew 9:9–13.

[Q] What risk did Jesus take in reaching out to Matthew and his friends?

[Q] Share a time when you felt intimidated in a social gathering of people. What was expected of you? How did it turn out?

[Q] What stage of life would lend itself to getting together more often in groups? Explain your answer.

[Q] Give at least three reasons why people don’t pursue friendships with more than one person. Do you claim any of these reasons for yourself?

[Q] Share if you have any friends who do not get along with each other. How have you handled the situation?

Teaching point four: There is strength in numbers. Sometimes a good friend can lighten a load, but when a heart is really hurting there is strength in numbers. What if one friend is busy? Having a group of friends can more readily ensure someone’s availability. Read Ecclesiastes 4:12. Sometimes a group of friends can stand with you and give you strength when a difficult decision needs to be made. Read Proverbs 11:14. Many a time a person in turmoil has turned to friends and seen her situation more clearly than ever before. Courtney wrote, “Vulnerability isn’t always easy, but it fosters the kind of intimacy that leads to deep friendships. The ability of women to rally around someone who’s hurting is amazing. And that matches our desire for others to gather around us when we’re in need.” At times it’s easier to reach out to others than it is to let them know you are hurting. Having a group of friends could increase the chances that there will be someone you feel comfortable reaching out to. In groups, friends check on friends.

[Q] Share something valuable you have learned about friendships.

[Q] Share a time that one of your friends was one of your main supports.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The More Friends the Merrier Page !5 [Q] What advantages could there be to having many friends? Alternate Activity Purpose: To recognize the individual gifts we have in our present friends and to foster a sense of appreciation. Activity: You are nominating three of your friends for Friend of the Year. Some ideas for categories are: Friend in Need, Funny Bone, Tell It Like It Is, Shoulder to Cry On, Praying Hands, Party Planner. Write down three of your friend’s names and the award they are being nominated for with your supporting reasons. Then think of what the prize would be for your chosen category. For example, Jane Doe is nominated for the Funny Bone Award because she actually wore a window valance as a tutu in an improv skit at a women’s retreat. She deserves this award because she has demonstrated… The prize would be dancing lessons at the Gene Kelly Dance Studio. The awards can be serious or funny, the prizes outrageous. Then you can take turns reading your nominations.

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

Sharon Hersh said, “I have discovered that deep within every woman is a heart of longing for relationships. It is woven into the very fabric of the one in whose image we were made” (Brave Hearts, 2000). We desire relationships because that’s how we were created. And when we see the Lord our relationships won’t end but will continue on. Read John 14:2. Our friendships with believers will continue once we leave this earth. We will inhabit mansions Jesus is preparing for us. We will fellowship together forever. This is the time to develop those friendships. We have the privilege of learning to love one another while we are still here. We get the opportunity of inviting others into our lives, and ultimately, into God’s family. Friends are God’s idea. We can take his idea, developing it into a vessel to bring others into his kingdom. He has instructed us to love each other, submit to each other, and forgive each other. Friendship gives us the platform to put into effect the things God has asked us to do. Friends can multiply our joy and divide our grief. They can weep with us, rejoice with us, and storm heaven for us. And we can return the favor. We can love them with a love only God provides and invite them into our homes, lives, and hearts. One day, we will enter heaven. There we’ll sit with our Lord, our family members, and hopefully our friends. There is still time to look around. The people in our lives are not there by accident but by God’s design. If we look to him, he will show us how to reach out to others and invite them in. Our friendships don’t have to be an exclusive club—the more, the merrier.

[Q] What practical advice would you give someone who’s having trouble making friends?

[Q] Share the story of how God brought you and one of your friends together.

—Study prepared by Anne Peterson, poet, speaker, ongoing student of God’s Word, and regular contributor to Christian Bible Studies.

Additional Resources • ChristianBibleStudies.com

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE The More Friends the Merrier Page !6 -Developing True Accountability -Friendships That Benefit Parenting -Authentic Fellowship

• Brave Hearts: Unlocking the Courage to Love With Abandon, Sharon Hersh (Random House Inc., 2000; ISBN 1578562961)

• Celebrating Friendship: Women of Faith Series, Traci Mullins (Zondervan Corp., 1998; ISBN 031021338X)

• Connecting, Larry Crabb (Thomas Nelson, 2005; ISBN 0849945291) • Faithfulness: The Foundation of True Friendship, Jacalyn Eyre (Zondervan Corp., 2001; ISBN 0310238633)

• One Anothering, Richard C. Meyer (Innisfree Press, 1990; ISBN 0931055733) • Six Keys to Lasting Friendships, Carol Kent, Karen Lee-Thorp (NavPress, 2000; ISBN 1576831329) !

By Camerin Courtney, for the study, “The More Friends the Merrier”

My fridge front is plastered with pictures of me with four of my closest friends—Karen (my roommate), Julie, Lisa, and Ruth. There’s a photo of us crammed on a bench on Chicago’s Navy Pier, one of us in flannel PJs the morning after last year’s New Year’s Eve slumber party, and a shot of us decked out to go to a swanky German restaurant to celebrate Lisa’s birthday. These photos bring back fond memories of good times shared with my own little gang. As women, we know the benefits of friendship: support, free advice, accountability, laugh therapy, prayer, free rides to the airport, last-minute babysitters, shopping companions, lunch buddies, people to balance our weaknesses—and the list goes on. The great thing is, these benefits increase exponentially when you add more than one friend to the picture. When we combine Julie’s never-met-a-stranger personality with Karen’s sense of fun, Lisa’s ability to research any vacation destination or cultural event, Ruth’s get-to-the-point philosophy, and my easy sense of humor, we experience all manner of adventure we wouldn’t on our own. We all long for the kind of companionship that allows us to cry on each other’s shoulder at 2 A.M., or send each other into a giggle fit with just one sideways glance. But how do you establish those intimate friendships? How do you get a gang? Here are a few lessons I’ve learned from my relationships with the Fab Five—and other gangs of women friends.

Never Underestimate the Power of Prayer. I distinctly remember driving down a street in Des Moines before my big move to Chicago, the Windy City, and mentally preparing myself for the lonely days ahead. It’s gonna be hard. Brace yourself, I thought. Before I could degenerate into having a full- on pity party, another thought hit me: It doesn’t have to be so tough. It’s as if God tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me oh-so-gently that he controls the universe, including my relationships. I was humbled and encouraged by his loving reminder, so I poured out my heart: God, please provide some kindred spirits.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Girl power! Page !2 His provision first came in the form of Christa and Jan, two wonderful women I met in my office. As we interacted at meetings and staff coffee breaks, we discovered common interests in antiques, quirky romantic movies, Edy’s Grand Light French Silk Ice Cream, and earth-toned clothing. Our friendships soon blossomed. God had heard —and answered—my prayers. Lesson learned. And it was a lesson I needed. Within a year of each other, both Christa and Jan moved out of state. When I felt back at square one with loneliness as a constant companion, I clung to the fact that the God who’d provided these dear friends in the first place hadn’t changed. He would provide again according to his plan and time.

Get a Little Risky. The first time my roommate, Karen, and I invited her coworker, Lisa, and my friend-of-a-friend, Julie, to join us for dinner one night several years ago, we had no idea what to expect. Lisa and Julie had never met—and we hadn’t met each other’s friend yet, either. Not exactly the ingredients for a sure-fire great evening! While we could’ve sat in awkward silence all evening, munching our chips and salsa, we were pleasantly surprised by the smooth flow of conversation and laughter. You don’t know the gang potential of a group of friends until you try. Sure, it’s risky. Sure, it may bomb. But the possibility of a circle of close-knit friends is well worth the risk of a lousy lunch or awkward shopping excursion.

Make New Friends, but Keep the Old. My friend, Michelle, is part of a foursome who’ve been friends since 1979. The secret of their longevity? A commitment to get together for each other’s birthdays no matter what. One of Michelle’s friends moved across the country, another is now married with small children, the other is at seminary. But despite the fact Michelle now has a local circle of girlfriends and a demanding career in advertising, she still makes these longstanding friendships a priority. “These women are like sisters to me,” says Michelle. “The richness they bring to my life makes it well worth the effort to stay in touch.”

Remember: The More the Merrier. My Fab Five actually started as a Fab Four. Julie, Karen, Lisa, and I used to frequent local restaurants and share many a Blockbuster night together. Once, we even went on vacation together—laughing, chatting, eating, and shopping our way through San Antonio, Texas. What fun memories! Common ground can be a great foundation for a circle of friends. An awesome bunch of friends may be right under your nose! Then along came Ruth. She started out as “Julie’s friend.” They’d met at church, when Julie’s family “adopted” Ruth, whose nearest relatives lived hundreds of miles away in Puerto Rico. Julie invited Ruth to some of our get-togethers, and at first she

! ! ARTICLE Girl power! Page !3 was very quiet. But as we learned to decipher her Spanish accent and appreciate her tell-it-like-it-is spunk, we discovered a friend who added new flourishes to our crew. Now Ruth is our friend and we couldn’t picture our gang without her.

Find Some Common Ground. My gang and I are all single. My friend, Louise, and her group were all sorority sisters, now married, who still keep in touch. My mom and four of her closest friends have been playing bridge together for a couple decades. Common ground can be a great foundation for a circle of friends. Determine to notice the people around you this week as you go about your daily routine. An awesome bunch of friends may be right under your nose!

Celebrate! “We use whatever reason we can come up with to get together,” Louise says about her sorority sisters. Weddings, baby showers, holidays, and Pampered Chef parties are all excuses to gather and gab. Every summer these women hold a cookout for their families to get together. “Put food in front of us, and we can gab for hours!” says Louise. Despite the challenge of the typical soccer mom schedule, these women make time for each other, even if only three or four people can attend. “It’s wonderful to celebrate rites of passage together, and even just life in general,” says Louise. “Before you know it, we’ll be attending graduation parties for our kids!”

Get Real. A few years ago, when my gang and I were gathering to celebrate Julie’s birthday, I showed up in tears. My then-boyfriend of three years and I had just broken up that afternoon. I was miserable, but I wanted to honor my friend, and I knew I could use the company of these dear friends. So I shared my sob story, cried a bit, got a round of hugs, then went out to eat to celebrate Julie’s special day. Though my eyes were swollen and my heart was nearly broken, I felt safe and somehow hopeful surrounded by the love, laughter, and support of my gang. Through the years we’ve helped each other through “female surgery,” deaths in the family, dating disasters, and work nightmares. Vulnerability isn’t always easy, but it fosters the kind of intimacy that leads to deep friendships. The ability of women to rally around someone who’s hurting is amazing. And that matches our desire for others to gather around us when we’re in need. Sharing real life—warts and all—with each other fosters friendships faster than just about anything I know. And the rewards of my gang—all the laughter, deep sharing, prayer support, and silliness—are sweeter than just about anything I know, too. !

“Girl Power,” by Camerin Courtney, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, July/August 1999, Vol. 21, No. 4, Page 42

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LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 9 Among Friends How can God use our neighbors to meet our deepest needs?

Dealing with four young sons and two tragic losses, Beth Shadid seemed an unlikely candidate to start a Bible study. Yet as she looked to God for support, he turned her focus to the women in her neighborhood. Beth quickly learned the value of small groups, a biblical pattern of discipleship that has been bringing men and women closer to the Lord since the beginning of Christianity. More surprising, she also learned that sometimes the best way to get spiritual nourishment is to feed others first.

Who needs Christian friends? What role do small groups play in a Christian’s spiritual development? How can Christians work along with God to help other believers achieve maturity? We’ll explore these questions in this study.

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Among Friends Page !2

Lesson #9

Scripture: Exodus 3:7–14; Colossians 4:7–18; James 5:13–20

Based on: “Doing Life Together,” by Jane Johnson Struck, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, March/April 2002, Vol. 24, No. 2, Page 64 !

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Doing Life Together” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). Mobility is a fact of modern life. The average American moves 11 times in his or her life and holds 10 different jobs. Partly as a result of these regular upheavals, most markers of civic engagement have declined. In his oft-cited 2000 book, Bowling Alone, sociologist Robert Putnam noted that between 1970 and 2000 the amount of time people spent visiting with friends dropped 35 percent and the memberships of social organizations (like Lions and Kiwanis clubs) slid 60 percent. The days of small-town community, when family and lifelong friends formed a tight safety net, are largely gone. Many Americans do not even know their neighbors’ names. In times of tragedy—loss of a loved one, loss of health, loss of a job—this lack of social support can be devastating. Even in good times, though, holes in the social fabric affect everyone. As Putnam told the Atlantic Monthly in 2000, “School performance, public health, crime rates, clinical depression, tax compliance, philanthropy, race relations, community development, census returns, teen suicide, economic productivity, campaign finance, even simple human happiness—all are demonstrably affected by how (and whether) we connect with our family and friends and neighbors and co-workers.”

Discussion starters:

[Q] Who is the first person you would call (other than your spouse) in case of an emergency? How do you know that person?

[Q] How many people on your block could you name? How many neighbors’ houses have you been inside? How many neighbors would you consider friends? Close friends?

[Q] How many times have you moved and/or changed jobs? How have these transitions affected the number and quality of your relationships?

[Q] Besides mobility, why do you think Americans are less socially engaged now than they were 35 years ago? Optional activity: Ask each group member to sketch a map of her neighborhood, filling in information about her neighbors (names, children, pets, occupation, church affiliation, etc.) where known. Members can star homes they have visited, mark a cross on homes where at least one occupant attends church, and draw lines to neighbors with whom they have some connection. The map should highlight social resources and outreach opportunities while revealing how well, or how poorly, group members know their neighbors.

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Everyone needs support. Though this need seems obvious, people have all sorts of reasons for not seeking support: too busy, too shy, afraid of being let down, afraid of being a burden, and denial—“Really, I’m doing just fine.” The apostle Paul might have cited these or other reasons for going it alone—he had a

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Among Friends Page !4 confrontational personality, moved constantly, was wary of secret enemies, and besides, didn’t he have God to support him? And yet, as Colossians 4:7–18 illustrates, he knew he got by with a lot of help from his friends. Ask a volunteer to read this passage aloud.

[Q] Paul was in prison when he wrote this letter to the Colossians, but he obviously was not completely without resources. What types of assistance did Paul receive from the friends listed here? What does the passage tell you about the network of people who were responsible for founding the earliest churches?

[Q] Who has filled the following roles in your life: Tychicus (fellow servant, messenger), Aristarchus (friend who shares your suffering), Epaphras (prayer warrior), Nympha (female spiritual mentor)?

[Q] In verse 11, Paul notes that the Jews among his fellow workers have been a comfort to him. Being among people of a common background can be a special blessing. But Christians are not supposed to associate exclusively with their own kind—Jesus answered the question, “Who is my neighbor?” with the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:26–37). How does the support given by and offered to those who are unlike you differ from the support given by and offered to close friends? How are both kinds of support necessary for a full Christian life?

[Q] God could support us directly, through the Holy Spirit, but he chooses to work through other people. Why do you think that is?

[Q] What, if anything, prevents you from asking for support? What prevents you from offering it to others? How might you overcome these barriers?

Teaching point two: Everyone needs accountability. Again, this need seems obvious, but the concept of accountability has broader application than most of us realize. Read James 5:13–20, which instructs how to cultivate accountability and why it is worth the effort.

[Q] Several activities in this passage—hearing prayers, healing the sick, accepting confession, bringing a sinner to repentance—are commonly associated with God alone, but James indicates that all of these activities have a communal aspect as well. How are other Christians involved in these spiritual activities, according to James? Is your Christian community involved, together, in all of these activities?

[Q] The second part of verse 16 has been used, and misused, in many contexts. According to the surrounding verses and other passages of Scripture, what kinds of things can the prayers of the righteous accomplish? Will the prayers of the righteous always achieve the desired effects? Why or why not?

[Q] Though it is an integral part of Orthodox and Roman Catholic spirituality, confession has something of a bad reputation among Protestants. What are some pros and cons of confessing one’s sins to a pastor? To a close Christian friend or group of friends? How might the practice of confession in some form enrich the life of your church?

[Q] Involving other people so intimately in your spiritual life can be dangerous. Examples of small groups that went bad dot the timeline of church history, from heretical Montanists in the early church, to fanatical Melchiorite Anabaptists in 16-century Munster, to the Branch Davidian cult in Waco, Texas. In less dramatic fashion, small groups can become too dependent on a charismatic leader, too insular, or fall prey to subtle theological

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Among Friends Page !5 errors. What safeguards are necessary to assure that small groups foster healthy spiritual development?

Teaching point three: Everyone needs a challenge. Because Beth Shadid did not consider herself prepared to lead a Bible study, the leadership experience brought her to the point of saying, “Okay, God, if this is what you want me to do, there’s nothing more important in life than being available to you.” More than any book the group discussed, this lesson in humility and dependence strengthened Beth’s faith. Moses felt unprepared to lead, too, but read how God reassured him in Exodus 3:7–14. The question wasn’t whether Moses was up to the task, but whether God was.

[Q] Moses asks God two questions in verses 11 and 13. The first betrays a lack of confidence in himself, and the second betrays uncertainty about God. Which type of doubt is a bigger problem for you?

[Q] God gave Moses a definite task in verse 10. Have you ever felt so directly led by God to do something? If so, how did you respond, and what was the outcome? If not, why do you think God has used other means of directing you?

[Q] How would Moses’ life have been different if he had refused God’s assignment? Would Israel’s history have been different?

[Q] How has participation in a small group stretched you? If your small group experience has been comfortable, what other aspect of your spiritual life has been more challenging?

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

Knowledge about small groups is no substitute for the experience of belonging. In addition to the tips at the end of Jane Johnson Struck’s article, consider these questions:

[Q] Who in your social sphere could use more support? How might you, possibly along with some other Christian friends, offer that support?

[Q] To whom are you accountable on a regular basis? Does your current small group meet your accountability needs? If not, how might the group be modified to raise members’ accountability level?

[Q] What is the most significant challenge facing you today? How can your small group help you meet this challenge? If you cannot think of any significant challenges, where might God be calling you to stretch?

[Q] How might you become a force for knitting your neighborhood together? —Study prepared by Elesha Coffman, former managing editor of CHRISTIAN HISTORY. !

• ChristianBibleStudies.com -Developing True Accountability -Friendships That Benefit Parenting -Authentic Fellowship

• Better Together: Restoring the American Community, Robert D. Putnam et al. (Simon & Schuster, 2003; ISBN 0743235460)

• Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, Robert D. Putnam (Simon & Schuster, 2001; ISBN 0743203046)

• Creating Community: 5 Keys to Building a Small Group, Andy Stanley and Bill Willits (Multnomah, 2005; ISBN 1590523962)

• Leading Life-Changing Small Groups, Bill Donahue (Zondervan, 2002; ISBN 0310247500)

• Making Small Groups Work, Dr. Henry Cloud (Zondervan, 2003; ISBN 0310250285) ! !

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ! ! ARTICLE Doing Life Together Looking for the spiritual growth and emotional support a circle of friends provides? It may be as near as your neighborhood.

By Jane Johnson Struck, for the study “Among Friends”

It was September 1999, and Beth Shadid, then 39, had recently given birth to her fifth baby, Caleb, after losing both her fourth child, Micah, at birth, and her brother, Jim, to lung cancer in 1998. “The past year had been extremely hard for our family, with two deaths back to back,” says Beth, who has three other sons now ages eight and under. “So when fall came, we were celebrating Caleb, our surprise gift of new life.” Throughout those difficult times, Beth had grown close to her neighbor Dina, a mom of three. “Dina attended both our son’s funeral and my brother’s memorial service,” Beth says. “She was so kind and sympathetic. Our friendship really deepened, and I felt comfortable opening up to her a bit about my faith in Christ. She’d seen the strength I’d drawn from it.” Dina, who’d never attended a Bible study before, knew Beth had been involved in various women’s Bible studies throughout the five years they’d lived across the street from each other. So Dina asked Beth if she was planning to join a women’s Bible study that fall. “I didn’t think I could possibly pack up my newborn, plus my three other active little boys, and attend a weekly study,” Beth admits. “I recommended a women’s Bible study at a local church in case Dina was interested in attending one on her own. Then I said, ‘But I’d love it if someone got something started in our neighborhood!’” Surprisingly, that “someone who got something started in the neighborhood” turned out to be busy mom Beth—with the able assistance of Dina. Right off the bat, Dina was so excited about the idea of bonding with other women in the neighborhood that she suggested she and Beth start their own group. Before long, Beth, who’d never envisioned herself a facilitator of a neighborhood group with her busy, growing family, became exactly that. “I’m not a teacher or leader,” she admits. “I’ve been in church a long time and have a strong faith, and I love the idea of being able to share that with others. Yet I don’t see myself as articulate, so I wouldn’t naturally put myself in this position. But there’s something about having come out of pain, as I had, that makes you say even more, ‘Okay, God, if this is what you want me to do, there’s nothing more

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Doing Life Together Page !2 important in life than being available to you.’ As I prayed about starting a group, it felt like the right thing to do.” So Beth and Dina brainstormed ways to make a group convenient both for them and the other neighbors they hoped might join. “We decided we’d take turns meeting at each other’s home every other week. We thought we could at least handle that,” explains Beth. “We also decided to be casual about the whole thing and let moms bring their kids. I volunteered to check out hiring babysitters from a local Christian college so we could keep the kids in a play area in the same house.” But there was also the question of study materials. Realizing some of her neighbors, such as Dina, may never have studied the Bible before, Beth asked a few mature, trusted Christian women what might constitute an appropriate study to kick off the fledgling group. One suggestion that struck a chord: a workbook called Living in Jesus’ Name, one in a series of study guides from well-known author John Ortberg. “Basically Dina and I decided, ‘Let’s ask some neighbors if they’d like to get together and have coffee.’ We’ll tell them, ‘Here’s a book idea. What do you think?’” says Beth. Then Dina and Beth called around the neighborhood to see who might be interested in participating. Four—including a couple committed Christians— responded positively. “Everybody was easygoing about what to study,” Beth says, “so when the six of us met for the first time that October, we started working through Ortberg’s study book, which clearly walks you through what it means to be a Christian. It’s filled with lots of practical teaching and spiritual exercises.” A little more than two years since its launch, the group’s still going strong. In fact, that initial circle of 6 has grown through word of mouth to 18 members, with 12 regular attendees. “We’ll have someone come who’s been absent several weeks, and she’ll say, ‘I’ve missed this so much!’” says Lisa Barry, a fellow believer and one of the charter members who frequently opens her home to the group. What do the women do when they get together every other Friday morning from 9:30 to 11:15 A.M? “We chit-chat for the first 30 minutes,” says Beth. “Then we sit down, open our lesson, and talk about whatever jumped out at us that week. Sometimes I don’t have the time to prepare for the lesson beforehand as I’d like. That’s when I throw my hands up and say, ‘Okay, God, this has to be from you. It can’t be from me, because I don’t feel ready.’” While group members bring their Bibles to the meetings and talk about spiritual topics (currently they’re working through another workbook entitled Gifted to Serve, which discusses spiritual gifts), Beth and the other core members work hard to ensure no one feels uncomfortable or offended during the meetings, since the women attending vary in their level of interest in matters of faith. The first year, says Beth, they didn’t even pray together. “Just this last year, we’ve started closing in prayer, and usually Lisa Barry does that for us,” explains Beth. The group’s slowly evolved into part Bible study, part book club, part cross-cultural awareness, part old-fashioned support group for the women who attend. During the ! ! ARTICLE Doing Life Together Page !3 summers, which pose a challenge to regular attendance because of kids’ schedules and family vacations, the group opts to read condensed versions of classics such as Les Miserables or Cry, The Beloved Country instead of Bible-related materials. Beth, who has a heart for cross-cultural ministry, occasionally invites some of the women she encounters through other international organizations to speak at meetings. Last year, Beth, Dina, Lisa, and the others helped a Sudanese refugee and her two daughters adjust to their new life in the United States by assembling and delivering a “Welcome Pack” of basic household necessities—sheets, towels, plates, canned goods, and personal care items. And last December, Beth and the group organized a holiday gathering that included husbands—a first!—to help two orphaned Sudanese boys celebrate their first Christmas in America. “This group meets many different needs,” says Beth. “On one level, I sincerely believe we all want to learn more about the Bible, to explore what life is really about. But it’s also about women doing life together in a safe environment. Just getting together as women helps you realize you’re not alone in your situation, that we all have struggles with disciplining our kids or challenges in our marriage. It’s wonderful to be able to share not only the pain in life, but the great joys as well. It’s just such a fun group of unique women! Our sense of community has been one of its biggest blessings. “When my husband, Hythem, and I learned at 22 weeks that our baby Micah wouldn’t survive after birth, we didn’t know how to pray. So we simply said, ‘God, do something great through this.’ As we prayed that prayer, we sensed ‘something great’ could be others coming to know Christ through our experience. “While I don’t know if this group’s a direct answer to that prayer, I’ve had many opportunities to share my faith, to let others know how great God is,” adds Beth. “As we’ve grown together, I’ve seen other women become more open about how God’s revealing himself to them. I know that for Dina and a few others in our group, their faith has become personal over the past two years. And I’ve been encouraged to walk with God daily, to keep looking for his presence in my life every step of the way. There’s this exciting sense of God at work—all I did was jump aboard!” ! “Doing Life Together,” by Jane Johnson Struck, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, March/April 2002, Vol. 24, No. 2, Page 64 !

! ! ARTICLE Doing Life Together Page !4 How to Start a Group. … Even if You Think You Can’t! Don’t sell yourself short. As a busy mom of four boys who didn’t feel she had the necessary leadership skills, Beth had every excuse to nix the idea of helping start a neighborhood group. But she’s glad she responded to God’s nudging. So if you feel this is something God wants you to try, go for it—and watch yourself grow! The power of two. Do you know a neighbor who also may be yearning for a group? While you can go solo, Beth suggests finding a like-minded friend with whom to join forces. Partner together. And don’t forget to pray! Size it up. What works best for your schedules? Once-a-week meetings? Every other week? Babysitting provided? Figure out the needs of your potential group, then try to meet them. For example, if most women interested in attending your group are moms of small children, arrange for babysitting—that will make it easier for them to show up! Remember, keep it casual. Banish your inner Martha Stewart. “Every woman likes her place to look nice,” admits Beth, “but I think I’ve set the example there.” Meaning: Beth doesn’t sweat not having a sparkling home when it’s her turn to host a meeting. “My home’s a little messy, but come on in anyway,” she says. And what about serving fancy goodies to your crowd? “Usually someone volunteers to bring something, but we try not to worry about that!” says Beth. All you really need to do is perk a mean cup of coffee, and you’re in business. Have a plan. Beth’s flexible about how she leads the group; when an interesting opportunity crops up, such as hearing the life story of a visitor from another country, she’ll seize it and deviate from the group’s planned study. But make sure you have some kind of study material that’s grounded in the Bible. If you don’t have a clue how to start, ask a trusted Christian friend, your pastor, or your local Christian bookstore owner. Be real. Life isn’t always easy, happy, or tidy. Christians cry, hurt, and get lonely, just like everyone else. So don’t be afraid to show your real face to your friends, when appropriate. It’s the key to helping others show theirs, too. Make it a no-pressure zone. Do your friends feel uncomfortable praying out loud? Then don’t make them. Does a member have trouble keeping up with the lessons? Don’t make it an issue. Your goal isn’t to be rigid, but to build relationships that point women to a loving God.

—J.J.S. !

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Building Deep Connections Looking for a group that requires a higher commitment but builds deeper friendships? Then a “12 Women” group might fit the bill. Based on the biblical model of Jesus’ selection of 12 disciples, Barbara Jenkins, co-author of The New York Times bestseller The Walk West, birthed the concept in 1997 during a time of personal turmoil. “My husband had walked out on our family, and one of my children was caught up in alcohol and drugs. My world had turned upside down,” Barbara explains. She sensed a need for something beyond what her Christian counselor, church, and close friends were providing. “I saw in the Bible how Jesus changed the world with 12 disciples. I realized I could benefit from having a trusted circle of 11 other friends to help me carry these burdens.” Barbara wrestled with the idea of this biblically based group for six months. “Finally, I reached the point of saying, ‘God, if this is of you, I’ll do it. If not, just leave me alone,’” she says. When she shared the idea with a few women, they recommended others who were searching for such a connection. Before long, a diverse mix of 11 women had accepted Barbara’s invitation to participate. “I told them that if they were looking for deeper friendships, then ‘12 Women’ was for them,” says Barbara. “I laid out the guidelines: We were to be grounded in biblical truth; we’d commit to meet once a week nine months out of the year; we’d agree to be there for each other through thick and thin. And every week a different woman would be the facilitator.” Each “12 Women” meeting begins with a devotional, followed by a discussion time, then prayer. “We’ve had lively discussions about everything from money management to the Ten Commandments,” explains Barbara. “It’s not a gossip session,” she adds. “It’s a place where we see God working in our lives. Because of the level of commitment in our group, women lower their guard and become real. If someone moves or has to leave, they’re not replaced until the next ‘session’ begins. Only God could create this family of sisters that’s lasted so long!” Today Barbara’s initial group now meets quarterly. But other “12 Women” groups are springing up around the country or have been spearheaded by original group members. And Barbara and two women from the pilot group recently completed a training session in Brooklyn, New York, for “12 Women” groups. Barbara also created the 12 Women Foundation and a guidebook, 12 Women, Sisters for Your Journey, to help others form their own group. “My ‘12 Women’ group has helped me become more honest about who I am,” says Barbara. “Women have a hunger for connection, for seeing God at work in their lives. That’s exactly what a ‘12 Women’ group provides.”

—J.J.S.

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LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 10 Cultivating Friendships What does biblical friendship look like?

Developing and sustaining friendships takes effort and commitment, especially when you’re new to the area. In her article on cultivating friendships after a move, author Cindy Crosby provides practical suggestions for starting up new friendships and keeping in touch with old friends, no matter the distance. She suggests, both directly and indirectly, that the time and effort necessary to establish and maintain friendships is worth the investment.

This study asks: What is the value of friendship? What can be learned from biblical examples of friendship? What is the cost of isolating yourself from others? What do we learn about God through friendship? What does the world see in our friendships?

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Cultivating Friendships Page !2 Lesson #10

Scripture: Ruth 1; 1 Samuel 18:1–4, 1 Samuel 20; John 13:1–17, 17:20–26; 1 John 3:11–24, 4:7–21

Based on: “New Girl in Town,” by Cindy Crosby, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, January/February 2002, Vol. 24, No. 1, Page 38 !

Note to leader: Distribute copies of the article “The New Girl in Town” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN to each participant prior to the study. When you’ve just arrived in a new place, it can be tempting to remain anonymous, engaging others only when the mood strikes. There’s an illusion of freedom that says, “If you’re not known, you can do whatever you want without consequences. You don’t really need others to be spiritually okay.” Not only is this kind of thinking putting you in a dangerous place spiritually, ultimately these lies will leave you feeling unsatisfied and lonely. The triune God created us in his image to be in relationship; as believers we are called to know others and be known by them, speaking the truth in love. Jesus said that the two greatest commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself. While neighbor is a broad category, it certainly includes all whom we call friends. Even when you have resolved to make new friends (and keep the old), it can still be a challenge to succeed in doing so. Coordinating busy schedules, finding people with similar interests, connecting with others during the short time at church on Sunday morning, the perception of having too much to do—all of these factors and more can contribute to the difficulty of starting and sustaining friendships. Yet God desires us to be in relationship with him and with one another. In the school of friendship, we can experience love, grace, and healing. We can learn the power of forgiveness as we forgive others and they forgive us. We can encourage each other, hold each other accountable, and share each other’s burdens. As our friendships develop, we will grow in the knowledge of ourselves, others, and God himself.

Discussion starters:

[Q] What factors have you personally encountered that make starting up a new friendship difficult? How does your personality affect your desire to initiate friendships?

[Q] What fears might prevent you from taking the first step? Have you been burned by friends in the past?

[Q] How might pride influence your behavior toward others? Does it anger you when people don’t seem to make the effort to reach out to you?

[Q] What are the challenges in maintaining long-distance friendships? What are reasonable expectations for keeping in touch?

[Q] Have you ever decided to try going it alone? If yes, for how long? What did you feel like during that time? How was your relationship with God affected?

[Q] Where have you found your current friends? Do you tend to have lots of friendships, or just a few? What are the characteristics of a good friend?

Teaching point one: Christ models friendship for us in his relationship with his disciples. At the start of his ministry, Christ called 12 men into a close relationship with himself. He did not judge by outward appearance, as we are tempted to do—notably, none of the disciples were highly educated, perceived as religious, or men of high status. The only prerequisite for friendship was to come and follow him. Christ lived his life before his disciples with integrity, pointing them towards God and revealing himself as their Savior. Christ and his disciples shared joys and sorrows, traveled and ate together, and spent time in conversation and prayer. Sharing the wisdom God gave him, Christ taught his disciples and was patient with their lack of understanding. He also asked for their trust, even in challenging circumstances, like during a stormy night upon the sea (Matthew 8:23–27). To show his trustworthiness, Christ gave his disciples opportunities to serve others while relying on his help, as in the feeding of the 5,000 (Mark 6:30–44). Christ encouraged, comforted, and challenged his disciples, seeking their growth and spiritual development. He knew the needs and desires of each of those close to him, and he made his own needs open to them. Christ was willing to lay down his life for his disciples, for their sins and the sins of the world, in the ultimate act of sacrifice and forgiveness. Read John 13:1–17. On the same night that he knew he was going to be betrayed and finally deserted by all of the friends he treasured so dearly, Christ washed the disciples’ feet to reveal to them “the full extent of his love” (John 13:1).

[Q] Take a few moments to reflect on Christ’s life and interaction with his disciples. How did Christ demonstrate love for his friends? How did he point them to God? How can we do the same with our friends?

[Q] Too often we seek to be served by those close to us, wanting our own needs to be met instead of looking to the needs of others. What attitudes prevent us from serving?

[Q] What does Christ’s act of foot washing suggest about the connection between love and service? Is service optional? What does Christ promise to those who carry out his words? In what ways can you “wash the feet” of others?

[Q] What was Peter’s initial response when Christ came to wash his feet? Why is it sometimes difficult to let others serve us? In what ways can you let others “wash your feet”?

[Q] What enabled Christ to serve? On what did he base his identity and security? How does basing our identity on God’s love for us give us the freedom to love and serve?

Teaching point two: How we treat our friends is both a barometer of our spiritual development and a place where God can reveal his glory. Too often in evangelical circles there is such an emphasis on individual salvation that the communal nature of faith is overlooked. Yet loving God and loving our neighbor go hand in hand. Loving our friends gives us the opportunity to demonstrate and grow in our faith, learn who God is, and become more like Christ. Read 1 John 3:11–24 and 4:7–21. Bear in mind that this letter is written by John, “the disciple whom Jesus loved” (see John 21:7, 24). Who better to provide counsel for the early believers than one who was in an intimate relationship with Christ himself?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Cultivating Friendships Page !5 [Q] What is the relationship between life, death, and loving our brothers? What definitions of love are given in these passages? Who are our “brothers”?

[Q] In 1 John 3:18, John says, “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” What actions have you undertaken on behalf of your friends? Is there an action that you feel God has been prompting you to take lately?

[Q] What does it mean to love your friends in truth? How are we tempted to deceive each other? How can we be more honest?

[Q] How can we communicate the truth with love? In what ways can we hold each other accountable?

[Q] How should our love for God affect our behavior toward others?

[Q] What did God do to demonstrate his love for us? Because you have received grace from God, do you show your friends grace? How?

[Q] 1 John 4:16 states that “God is love.” We have the ability to see God in each other as we love. How has the love you have received from a friend taught you about God?

[Q] Why does John say, “There is no fear in love” (4:18)? How has fear damaged your friendships? What does it mean to be “made perfect in love”?

[Q] How is it possible for us to love others as God commands us to do in these passages? How has God been glorified in your difficult relationships? How has God sustained your friendships over the years?

Teaching point three: Self-denial, loyalty, and unity of spirit are three qualities of true biblical friendship. Among the classical philosophers, Cicero was among the first to pen an essay on friendship. He notes, “In the face of a true friend a man sees as it were a second self.” Following Cicero’s lead, St. Aelred, a Cistercian monk who lived in the 12th century, defined friendship as “oneness of Heart, Mind, and Spirit, in things human and divine, with mutual esteem and kindly feelings of approval and support.” True friends encourage us to be who we really are, who God intended us to be. They allow us to drop our pretenses, free us from the pressure of always having to defend our thoughts and actions, and enable us to use the gifts that God has given us. Examining the friendships of David and Jonathan and Naomi and Ruth reveals that the path of biblical friendship involves a commitment to the good of others, even at your own perceived or actual expense. Since we live in a culture that values self-fulfillment over long-term investment in people, we would do well to meditate on these biblical friendships. By putting the needs of others above our own needs and agenda, we can begin to learn how to live as Christ calls us to live. Read 1 Samuel 18:1–4 and 1 Samuel 20, then Ruth 1.

[Q] What factors about Jonathan and David make their friendship remarkable? What barriers did they overcome? What did Jonathan risk by befriending and assisting David?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Cultivating Friendships Page !6 [Q] Give an example of when you have felt one in spirit with a friend. What did you have in common? How did this friend make you feel?

[Q] A covenant is an agreement established between two parties. What do you think was agreed upon in the original covenant between Jonathan and David in 1 Samuel 18:3–4? What did Jonathan do to emphasize his commitment to the covenant? What covenant does Jonathan make in chapter 20?

[Q] In 1 Samuel 20, what actions does Jonathan take to fulfill his words to David, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you”? Do your actions back up your words with your friends?

[Q] At the parting of Jonathan and David, both wept, but why would David have reason to weep “the most”? How does Jonathan comfort him?

[Q] How does Ruth show compassion for Naomi? What does Ruth the Moabite stand to lose by following Naomi to Bethlehem? How is Ruth’s love sacrificial?

[Q] Would you be willing to follow a friend as completely as Ruth followed Naomi? Why or why not? Are you willing to make sacrifices for the sake of your friends? How?

Teaching point four: God intends for our friendships to be a witness to unbelievers, demonstrating the character and love of God. Within the Trinity, each person of the Godhead plays a unique role and possesses distinctive characteristics, yet the three are united in fellowship, love, and purpose. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit present unity in the midst of diversity, and suggest to believers how God desires his people to live. Living in harmony with fellow believers speaks volumes to a world committed to self-preservation and narrowly defined self-interest. Read John 17:20–26.

[Q] What is Christ’s desire for believers? Do you believe that such unity is possible? What are the conditions necessary for unity? What conditions lead toward division?

[Q] What is Christ’s desire for the world (v.21)?

[Q] Do you consider your friendships part of your witness? Has an unbeliever ever commented on how you treat your friends?

[Q] Do our friendships among believers look different from friendships among unbelievers? What should be distinctive about Christian friendship? What elements are counter- cultural?

[Q] How has the church historically lived out its mission to reveal God to the world? Where has it succeeded, and where has it failed? How can we in the church today be an effective witness to the world?

Aristotle wisely notes in Nicomachean Ethics that “without friendships no one would choose to live, even if they had all other good things in life.” Take some time to prayerfully consider all the friends that God has given you, thanking him for the role each friend has played in your life. Pray too about the friendships that have slipped away and those that are yet to develop, asking God to guide you toward those he wants you to spend time with.

[Q] What have you learned about yourself and God through each of your friends?

[Q] Make a list of Christ’s interactions with people, both his close friends and the strangers he encountered, taking note of how he treated each person. How can you model his behavior in all your relationships?

[Q] In what ways can we serve our friends to demonstrate our love for them? How can you tangibly show your friends this week that you care about them?

[Q] What are good boundaries in friendships? How can you tell a healthy friendship from an unhealthy one? Are there any issues you need to address within your friendships?

[Q] How committed are you to your friends? How willing are you to sacrifice your time or goals for the sake of a relationship? Ask God to reveal to you how you can be made more perfect in love, and write down the steps you would like to take in the coming months.

—Study prepared by Adrianna Wright, publicist and freelance writer

Additional Resources

• ChristianBibleStudies.com -Developing True Accountability -Friendships That Benefit Parenting -Authentic Fellowship

• Six Keys to Lasting Friendships, Carol Kent (NavPress, 2000; ISBN 1576831329) • Rediscovering Friendship: Awakening to the Power and Promise of Women’s Friendships, Elisabeth Moltmann-Wendel (Augsburg Fortress, 2001; ISBN 0800634454)

• Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship & Direction, David G. Benner (IVP, 2004; ISBN 083083270X)

• Safe People, Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Zondervan, 1996; ISBN 0310210844)

• Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer (Harper and Row, 1978; ISBN 0060608528) • Spiritual Friendship, Aelred of Rielvaulx (Cistercian Publications, re-issue 1989; ISBN 0879077050)

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Cultivating Friendships Page !8 • Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle, Translated by W. D. Ross (Oxford University Press, 1998; ISBN 019283407X). See especially books VIII and IX.

• Cicero: On Friendship, or Laelius (http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/cicero- friendship.html) ! !

By Cindy Crosby, for the study “Cultivating Friendships”

I stood hesitantly by the industrial-strength coffeepot, nervously juggling a Styrofoam cup of bland hot brew with my Bible and trying to make eye contact with potential female friends in the adult Sunday school class. Inside, I felt that intense aloneness that can grip you most in a big crowd. Most of the 50 or so class members huddled in their little groups, secure in their shared activities. However, I must have looked pathetic enough for one woman to break away and throw a morsel of conversation in my direction. “Is this your first Sunday here?” she politely inquired. I’d been in the class for a year. After a move to a different state, and a year in our new church, I hadn’t connected with anyone. Worse yet, I wasn’t even a familiar face, although I’d attended the class faithfully every Sunday. Somehow, I hadn’t figured out how to build relationships in a new place—and I was losing touch with my friends back home. Between 1999–2000 the United States Census Bureau estimates more than 43 million people—16 percent of the population—moved. Of these, almost 19 percent moved to a different state. In our mobile society, chances are good you’ll move at least once. If you move a lot, you may instinctively shy away from making new friends because you’re tired of investing in relationships, then packing your bags again. And you may find old friendships falling apart in the absence of day-to-day attention. So is friendship really worth the effort? Yes! Carol Kent, author of Six Keys to Lasting Friendships (NavPress), says it well: “How much we owe to friends! They bring out the best in us, and challenge the worst in a loving way. They get us through tough times and help us make difficult decisions. They help us relax and laugh, cry and heal, hope and dream.” When a job change moved us again a year later, I was determined to make some changes. I echoed Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind, “As God is my witness, I’ll

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE New Girl in Town Page !2 never be lonely again!” Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly what she said. But here are a few friendship lessons I’ve learned along the way:

Don’t Judge a Potential Friend by Her Manicure She was so together—blond hair cut to perfection, nails immaculately manicured, makeup artfully applied. I run toward no makeup, Birkenstocks, blue jeans, and ragged nails I can’t stop biting. When our husbands began meeting for breakfast regularly, I told mine flatly to enjoy his friendship with Jack, but I was sure Jan and I’d never be friends. I was wrong. When we cautiously explored a relationship by spending two nights at a women’s retreat together, we stayed up till 3 A.M. laughing so hard our sides hurt the next morning. Her children are a bit older than mine, so I’ve gained wisdom from her about parenting. And I’m a good listening ear for her challenges with her extended family. Moral of the story: Opposites can attract. Don’t necessarily rule someone out because she’s different than you!

Consider May-December Friendships When I attended a special-arts elective at our church, the speaker for the morning was a lovely, white-haired woman in her seventies who made a presentation on the value of good books. Being a book junkie myself, I raced up to her after the class and blurted, “Could we please have coffee sometime and talk?” Somewhat taken aback, she graciously agreed and gave me her phone number. The next week we met, and the age barriers fell away as we discussed everything from mysteries to fiction to a surprising shared love of ecology. By the time we parted, I knew I’d met a soul sister. Although there’s a 30-year difference in our ages, Florence has become a dear friend. Never rule out a potential friend because of an age difference. You might miss a blessing!

Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em I thought Melinda would be the perfect friend. We both loved the outdoors, we were in several church groups together, and we shared many mutual interests. Yet, although she was always kind, she was also always too busy to go out for lunch or too tied up to get together on the weekend. After the fourth re-buff, it hit me she wasn’t in the market for friendship—at least not mine. I felt completely rejected. That is, until I realized Melinda was in the middle of a marriage difficulty and only had the energy for people who knew her and her situation well. She had nothing left over for a brand-new relationship. Did it still hurt? Yup. But I moved on.

! ! ARTICLE New Girl in Town Page !3 Make New Friends … I work in a home office, where it’s easy to be minimally involved in outside activities. If you hibernate, as I did after my first move, you’ll likely find yourself battling loneliness. Try these tips instead: Ask someone for advice. By putting the other person in the position of “expert,” you set her at ease and make her less intimidated by the idea of getting to know you. Good questions include, “Where’s a good place to go walking?” or “Who makes a dynamite cappuccino?” Before you know it, your potential friend might be offering to meet you at the little café that serves “the best coffee in town.” Get involved in a church. If you’re a life-long Christian, this may seem like a no-brainer. Yet, if you do what we did—attend church services and Sunday school without getting involved—you’ll likely find yourself as I did: a stranger to everyone. Join a group. A great place to make friends is in a club or group of people interested in the same things you are. If you love to plant flowers, try a Master Gardener program. In my neighborhood, I’ve found new friendships within book groups. Try something new. The great thing about a move is being able to shake off everyone’s expectations of who you are, and start afresh. Always wanted to ski? Take some lessons. Thought about volunteering for Habitat for Humanity? Now’s your opportunity. And chances are, you’ll meet some potential friends along the way. Make a memory. A new friend and I made it a tradition to walk together for an hour once a week and to have breakfast once a month. This gives us a comfortable framework to explore a deeper relationship.

… But Keep the Old One of the most difficult things about moving is leaving behind close friends. Accept that some relationships you leave behind won’t endure without the day-to-day touch points you had before, and grieve those losses. (Of course, the flip side of this is you get to lose those difficult relationships you couldn’t quite figure out how to get out of!) Here are some maintenance tips that can help keep the long-distance friendship fires burning: Express your love, grieve your loss. Our tendency is to wall ourselves off from the pain of leaving. Before you leave, don’t be afraid to cry and tell your friends how much you’ll miss them. Stay connected electronically. My former college roommates and I rarely see each other. Yet, we stay connected by e-mailing each other about the big events in our lives.

! ! ARTICLE New Girl in Town Page !4 Drop in. When we travel, my husband and I try to connect with friends at different places across the country where we’ve lived. It may be as simple as stopping by to say hello, or as extended as a weekend spent at an old friend’s home. Realign old friendships. One of my friends was the music minister at my previous church. She couldn’t share many of her personal struggles with me because my husband was one of the elders. Now that we’ve moved, she has the built-in listening ear of someone who knows her situation but isn’t actively involved in it.

Now What? So, you may not have the kind of friendships portrayed in Divine Secrets of the Ya- Ya Sisterhood—fostered by childhood, forged through the college years, nurtured by living down the street from each other, lasting into old age. Get over it! Whether you move once or often, you can find deep, long-lasting relationships. Go on. Pick up the phone. Now’s the time to give new friendships a chance.

—Cindy Crosby, a TCW regular contributor and author of Waiting for Morning (Baker), lives with her husband and two children in Illinois.

“New Girl in Town,” by Cindy Crosby, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, January/February 2002, Vol. 24, No. 1, Page 38. ! !

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LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 11 Words of Wisdom What does the Bible tell us about speaking the truth in love?

Few things can keep us up at night like words that should—or should not —have been said. In “Tell It Like It Is,” Annette Smith shares times in her life when words between friends provided correction and fostered reconciliation. She also writes of careless words that caused wounds. Clearly, the world of words is too complicated to be governed by platitudes like, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” God gave us the power of speech for good reasons, and he also gave us detailed guidance in how to use it.

Why is it so important for Christians to watch their words? How can we discern when to speak and what to say? Where is the balance between loyalty to the truth and concern for the feelings of others? These are the kinds of questions explored in this study.

Lesson #11

Scripture: Genesis 1:3–5; Exodus 4:10–12; 2 Samuel 12:1–10; Esther 4:9–14; Proverbs 12:18; Matthew 9:1–8; Romans 10:14–15; Colossians 4:6; Ephesians 4:29; Philemon 1:4–21; James 3:2–6

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Words of Wisdom Page !2

Based on: “Tell It Like It Is,” by Annette Smith, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, November/December 2002, Vol. 24, No. 6, Page 86 !

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Tell It Like It Is” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). Chameleons blend in with their surroundings to avoid detection. Butterflies have eyespots on their wings to scare predators away. According to philosopher David Livingstone Smith, humans, like other creatures, lie to advance their interests and oil the machinery of society. Smith’s 2004 book, Why We Lie: The Evolutionary Roots of Deception and the Unconscious Mind, argues that fudging the truth is such an ingrained survival strategy that we do not even realize we are lying, especially when we lie to ourselves. The epigraph for Smith’s first chapter, a quote from Mark Twain, sums up our condition: “Lying is universal—we all do it; we all must do it.” One need not agree with Smith’s reading of evolutionary biology (or Twain’s legendary cynicism) to admit that lying is pervasive in modern culture. The 1997 Jim Carrey film Liar, Liar! drives home the point. Owing to his son’s birthday wish, Carrey’s character, a habitual liar, must tell only the truth for an entire day. This “curse” sinks Carrey as a trial lawyer and renders him unable to talk his way out of a traffic ticket, but it also snarls relations with his family and earns him dirty looks from the coworkers he usually compliments glibly. Unable to handle the consequences of transparency, he quickly decides that the safest course is to say nothing at all.

Discussion starters:

[Q] Would your life be different if you could not tell any lies for a day?

[Q] Have you been hurt more often by lies or by truths spoken out of turn? Describe a hurtful episode of one kind or the other.

[Q] With whom do you find it hardest to be honest? With whom does honesty come easiest? Optional activity: In pairs, have group members role play one or more of the following scenarios: a) Jennifer, who has been out of the workforce for eight years to stay home with her children, is interviewing for a job at the local newspaper. Her credentials are decent, but the interviewing editor doubts she will be sufficiently devoted to the job. Jennifer has a few questions about work-home balance herself, but she needs the paycheck. Can she sell her skills without stretching the truth? b) Kathleen and Rosa are friends, as are their teenage daughters. Kathleen’s daughter learns that Rosa’s daughter has become sexually active. Kathleen knows that Rosa would not approve, but she also knows that Rosa’s sexual past isn’t spotless. In conversation with Rosa, how can Kathleen express her concern about Rosa’s daughter without impugning Rosa’s parenting skills or making Rosa feel ashamed about her own mistakes? c) Amber’s husband has a weakness for grand business schemes and has failed as an entrepreneur twice. One day he came home from the stable but boring job she had begged him to take and excitedly shared his idea for starting an Internet café in a vacant storefront down the street. With one son in braces and another headed to college soon,

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Words of Wisdom Page !4 Amber doesn’t think this is an acceptable risk for the family to take. She wants to be realistic with her husband without rehashing his failures. d) Sondra’s daughter Libby, a college senior, comes home for fall break with a guy who does not strike Sondra as husband material. Though Sondra and Libby often clashed when Libby was in high school, especially on the subject of boys, they get along okay now. Saturday morning, before anyone else is up, Libby asks Sondra over coffee what she thinks of her new, serious boyfriend. What’s a mom to say?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Words have power. One little qualifier, “just,” has become an all-purpose speech-softener in contemporary English. Phrases like “I was just thinking,” or “It’s just my opinion,” or the insidious “I was just joking” get used to cover a multitude of verbal sins. The problem is, words are never just words, so wrapping them in fluff can do little to blunt their force. The Bible attests to the power of words in numerous places:

[Q] Read Genesis 1:3–5. In this account, God created the whole universe by speaking words. In what ways do our words create reality, albeit on a much smaller scale? For example, how do things such as wedding vows and presidential addresses change the lives of the people who speak and hear them?

[Q] Read Proverbs 12:18. This passage likens words to weapons. Many figures of speech echo this idea—a person with a sharp tongue might offer biting criticisms, fling barbs at opponents, make cutting remarks, or even perform a tongue lashing. How does it feel, physically, to deliver such remarks? How does it feel to receive them? In contrast, how does it feel to deliver and receive words of comfort?

[Q] Name the different ways words are used in Matthew 9:1–8.

[Q] As Jesus asks in Matthew 9:5: “Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’?” In what ways was Jesus uniquely qualified to make those statements, and in what ways are all Christians empowered to forgive and heal with their words?

[Q] Read James 3:2–6. Do you think James is exaggerating the destructive potential of words? If you agree with him that the tongue is a “world of evil,” what can Christians do to control it?

Teaching point two: Truth needs to be told. Like our other God-given abilities, the power of speech comes with responsibilities. Sometimes we may need to say things that make us uncomfortable. Read the examples below that explain necessary truth telling in Scripture.

[Q] Read 2 Samuel 12:1–10. Nathan rebuked David for his affair with Bathsheba and subsequent murder of her husband, Uriah the Hittite. As a prophet, Nathan had special knowledge of God’s judgment and David’s future. How can those of us who are not prophets discern when and how to rebuke others?

[Q] Read Esther 4:9–14. In Esther 4:14, Mordecai told Esther that she might have gained a royal position so that she could tell the king about Haman’s plot. What is one way you are

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Words of Wisdom Page !5 uniquely positioned—in your family, your neighborhood, your church, or your workplace —to share truth with someone?

[Q] Read Romans 10:14–15. We have a duty to proclaim the good news about Jesus. Specifically, this passage exhorts preachers to preach and other believers to support the preachers. How can the words of others (preachers, Christian writers, Christian musicians, etc.) help you to do the challenging work of evangelism?

[Q] When Moses made excuses for why he could not serve as God’s spokesman to Pharaoh and to the Israelites, God responded with a mixture of reassurance and rebuke. Read Exodus 4:10–12. What excuses have you made, verbally or silently, for not sharing a hard truth? Can you think of a time when God helped you speak or taught you what to say in a tough situation?

Teaching point three: When in doubt, love. The examples in Smith’s article show that sometimes friends need to be confronted, but other times, such as when they wear ratty sweaters, mum is the appropriate word. In either situation, the guiding principle is love. The Bible elaborates on this principle in Colossians 4:6, Ephesians 4:29, Philemon 1:4–21, and 1 Peter 3:15.

[Q] Read Colossians 4:6. What does it mean for speech to be “full of grace, seasoned with salt”?

[Q] Read Ephesians 4:29. What kinds of speech might contain “unwholesome talk”? By contrast, what kinds of speech build others up?

[Q] Read Philemon 1:4–21. How does Paul soften his request to Philemon? What elements of this letter might be useful in other types of confrontations—with angry spouses, wayward children, uncharitable colleagues, estranged relatives?

[Q] In contemporary American culture, evangelism is often equated with shoving your beliefs down someone’s throat. In your experience, is that equation fair? Is there a difference between witnessing as commonly understood and giving “the reason for the hope you have … with gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15)?

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

Smith writes, “Touchy topics are difficult to discuss for even the closest of friends. Yet, relationships involve flawed people who make mistakes and get into messes. Friends need to be able to count on each other not just for fun and affirmation, but for careful words of instruction and correction, too.” Perfection in speech is as unattainable as perfection in relationships, but progress in one area will naturally foster growth in the other. The key is to make sure truth and love operate together, the way God intended.

[Q] Think of one recurring situation in which you are tempted to lie or muffle the truth. How can you be more forthright in the future?

[Q] Could well-chosen words help you build or mend a relationship? What are those words, and how will you share them?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Words of Wisdom Page !6 [Q] How can you prepare to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have? Optional activity: Choose one of the verses in this study and memorize it.

—Study prepared by Elesha Coffman, former managing editor of CHRISTIAN HISTORY.

Additional Resources

• ChristianBibleStudies.com Friendships that Benefit Parenting Developing True Accountability Successful Relationships Course Like the Ones You Love Course

• Communication: Intimate Marriage Series, Dan B. Allender (InterVarsity, 2005; ISBN 0830821368)

• Communication: Key to Your Marriage, H. Norman Wright (Gospel Light, 2000; ISBN 0830725334)

• Friendship: A Way of Interpreting Christian Love, Liz Carmichael (Continuum, 2005; ISBN 0567080722)

• The Grace and Truth Paradox, Randy Alcorn (Multnomah, 2002; ISBN 1590520653) • Telling Each Other the Truth, William Backus (Bethany House, 2006; ISBN 0764201573)

• War of Words, Paul Tripp (P&R Publishing, 2000; ISBN 0875526047) ! !

By Annette Smith, for the study, “Words of Wisdom”

I’ll always remember when my good friend, Sheri, called me on the carpet about my attitude problem. I’m thankful now, but at the time … Sheri and I were sitting in her cozy kitchen sipping coffee and nibbling on bake-sale leftovers. “I saw Darla in Sears yesterday,” she said. “She’s lost a bunch of weight.” “Wonder how long it’ll take her to gain it back this time,” I said, reaching for a third macadamia nut cookie. “She always does, you know. Darla-of-the-fluctuating-weight and I once had been good friends. Not any more. For more than a year, we’d barely spoken. Even though Darla had made numerous attempts to mend the rift in our relationship, one caused by a misunderstanding involving our children, I continued to nurse a grudge against her. “Darla told me her eldest daughter just got accepted into medical school,” said Sheri. “Her middle girl’s engaged to an attorney, and her son’s in line to be awarded the high school’s art scholarship this year.” “Darla always thinks her kids are better than anyone else’s,” I sniffed. After refilling my mug, Sheri looked me in the eye and said, “Annette, we need to talk. Hasn’t it been long enough? What’s the deal with you still having such a hateful attitude toward Darla? Everyone who knows you can tell you don’t like her.” “It’s that obvious?” “It is. And Annette, listen to me.” My friend put her hand on my arm. “Whatever the problem is, you need to get over it. Your attitude isn’t right, and you know it.” Ouch. Sheri’s honest words hurt my feelings. But they also affected me in a way a dozen sermons on forgiveness hadn’t. She was absolutely right. My hateful attitude was wrong. We talked some more, and I was overcome with shame and remorse. That night I prayed for forgiveness for myself and for blessings for Darla and her family.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Tell It Like It Is Page !2 Later that week, with shaking hands and a pounding heart, I delivered homemade banana nut bread and a ribbon-wrapped cinnamon candle to Darla’s new house. That afternoon, over glasses of iced tea, Darla and I spoke careful words of apology and forgiveness. We avoided the specifics of what had caused our estrangement; it seemed pointless to visit that place again. What mattered to us both was our mutual desire to make things right. Today, Darla and I are real friends again, thanks to Sheri’s honest words.

Caring Enough to Correct I’m grateful my friend Sheri spoke up. The fact she loved me enough to confront me says volumes about our relationship. I realize it wasn’t easy for her to talk to me about my bad attitude and unloving behavior. Touchy topics are difficult to discuss for even the closest of friends. Yet, relationships involve flawed people who make mistakes and get into messes. Friends need to be able to count on each other not just for fun and affirmation, but for careful words of instruction and correction, too. Committing ourselves to a friendship means that because we care on a deep, intimate level, we have the courage to speak up even when a friend needs to hear tough words of truth. For with true friendship come joy and responsibility.

The Courage to Confront When Jasmine (not her real name) found herself teetering on the brink of an affair with a married coworker, she flew across the state to spend the weekend with her lifelong friend, Dee. Tearfully, Jasmine hinted to Dee about what she feared she was going to do if the situation continued. Although Jasmine employed veiled words and phrases, Dee understood exactly what she was saying. Yet embarrassed and afraid, Dee didn’t dole out the bitter-but- good-for-her medicine for which Jasmine had come. Dee was so rattled by her friend’s revelation, she couldn’t bring herself to take Jasmine by the shoulders, give her a firm shake, and demand, “What are you thinking? Run! Find a new job! Get away from this man!” Instead, Dee feigned tiredness and went to bed early, suggesting they go shopping and to a movie the next day. Taking Dee’s cue, Jasmine didn’t bring up the situation again. Sure enough, six months later in a tearful, long-distance conversation, Jasmine confessed to Dee that she’d had an affair. It was over and done now, but she faced a host of heart-breaking consequences. This time Dee was there to comfort, support, and forgive her friend. She listened, shared her friend’s tears, and offered words of wisdom and comfort. Dee was honest with Jasmine about her mistake and what she needed to do to amend the situation.

! ! ARTICLE Tell It Like It Is Page !3 One can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Dee had possessed the courage to confront Jasmine six months earlier. Would it have made a difference? There’s no way of knowing for sure. Jasmine rightly accepts full responsibility for her actions. Still, Dee was in the position to speak honestly with her friend, and she didn’t. To avoid talking truthfully to a friend about a situation that’s hurtful, dangerous, or out of God’s will, is to dishonor both the friendship and the friend. When we’ve been trusted with the blessing of a friend, we must love that friend enough to be willing to experience hurt, rejection, even anger. In the end, truth heals.

What’s My Motivation? Before addressing a difficult situation with a friend, motives should be examined. If there’s any self-righteousness, any feelings of one-upmanship, even the tiniest desire to get even with our friend for something she’s said to us, then we should, at least for a time, keep silent. Honesty, especially when it comes to touchy subjects, must be accompanied by pure, loving motives. If our words aren’t bathed in love, they’ll hurt rather than heal. Speaking honestly with a friend about a serious matter requires that we put thought and planning into our words. Doing so requires staying in tune with how our friend’s taking what we have to say.

Doing the Deed You realize the day’s come for you to confront your friend. What do you say? How do you start? Begin by bathing your friend in prayer. Ask God to give you the right words and to take away any wrong motives. Select a time when you and your friend will have privacy and won’t be interrupted. Begin by affirming your love and care for your friend. Then calmly and gently share with her your observation. Take care not to pass judgment or place blame. “I’m worried, Jill. You stopped taking your medicine. I see signs of your depression coming back.” “Katie, you’ve always said you’d never get involved with a man who isn’t a Christian, yet I see you becoming very close to Sam. I’m fearful you may be falling for him, and he says he’s not sure he believes in God.” Your friend’s response to your words will tell you what to say next. She may become defensive, angry, or appear hurt. Match your words to her response. If she’s open, talk in greater depth about your concerns. However, if she clams up, back off. Remind her of how much you care about her, and tell her if she feels like talking about the situation some other time, you’ll be there for her. Then give her a hug, tell her you’re praying for her, and change the subject.

! ! ARTICLE Tell It Like It Is Page !4 When to Zip the Lip When my friend Sheri confronted me about my attitude toward Darla, I was thankful to her for being honest with me. However, last week, when she told me my new hair color made me look all washed out and that it was past time for me to retire my favorite sweater—it was pilled, you understand, and stretched out—I was a bit less appreciative of her honest words! Topics that don’t involve moral, health, or safety issues are best left alone. A friend who’s gained ten pounds already knows it. She doesn’t need us to point it out to her, regardless of how helpful we think our words are. Some matters are simply of no consequence. When a friend out-and-out asks our opinion on a new recipe (chopped apples, Cool Whip, and ranch dressing?) or on the way we think her daughter’s hair looks fixed like that (Funny, really funny, is what pops into our mind), we’re wise if we can find something good to say before quickly changing the subject. It’s never okay to fib, but no one ever said we should say every truthful thought that pops into our head!

Honesty Is the Best Policy True friendships are a blessing from God. Starting today, determine to be honest with your friends—about how much they mean to you, how much you treasure your time together, and how much you value the relationship you have with them. For one thing, it’s the honest truth. A friend, a true friend, is one of the Father’s best blessings. Enjoy!

—Annette Smith, an author and speaker, lives with her family in Texas.

TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, November/December 2002, Vol. 24, No. 6, Page 86 ! !

! ! !

LEADER’S GUIDE FOR STUDY 12 Making Unlikely Friends Enrich your life by making friends with those who are different than you are.

Having been created in the image of a relational God, each of us needs a variety of relationships. One of the sweetest relationships we can experience is a close friendship. Typically, close friends are defined by their similarities, the common ties that bind or draw them together. Amy Nappa, in an article for TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, challenges us to look beyond similarities with others to find potential friendships all around us. This study encourages us to move beyond our comfort zones, to form unlikely and enriching friendships.

Lesson #12

Scripture: Exodus 33:11; Ruth 1:15–18; 1 Samuel 23:15–18; John 4:1–42; Acts 15:36–41; 1 Peter 5:1–7

Based on: “Different by Design,” by Amy Nappa, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, January/February 2003, Vol. 25, No. 1, Page 54 !

Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Making Unlikely Friends Page !2 PART 1 Identify the Current Issue

Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “Different by Design” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study). Friendships may come easier to some than to others. Perhaps you are willing, even anxious, to form friendships, but there seems to be no one around with whom you have something in common. In your search for friends, does it seem all but impossible to find someone to share time with? Consider moving beyond looking for your carbon copy and delve into the realm of the unfamiliar in search of your next friendship.

Discussion starters:

[Q] What close friendships have you experienced? What was, or is, especially positive or fun about one of those relationships?

[Q] Our society stresses individualism and independence. Do you feel that as a whole, people are losing the ability to form friendships with one another? Why or why not?

[Q] What qualities do you look for in a friend? Have you looked upon a certain individual and thought, “I’d really like to be her friend”? Or what about the opposite—have you ever thought, “There’s no way we’d ever have anything in common”?

[Q] Are your friendships mostly within or outside the body of Christ? Why? Have you given much thought to what God says about friendship?

PART 2 Discover the Eternal Principles

Teaching point one: Choosing to reach out to our opposites, or even our adversaries, may be spiritually challenging but full of blessing and renewal. Read Acts 15:36–41. This passage records Paul and Barnabas’s split over John (also called Mark). Colossians and Philemon have accounts of Mark being included in Paul’s group about 12 years later. Second Timothy tells us that Paul’s admiration for Mark grew so much that he asked Mark to come and be with him during his final days. The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 3:16 that all Scripture is God-breathed. Every verse is intentionally placed in the Bible to teach and guide us on our journey. Through Paul, Barnabas, and Mark’s stories, we learn of the importance of forgiveness and giving people a second chance. Most importantly we are always called to bless others and pray for them, even when we disagree with them. Read 1 Samuel 23:15–18. David chose not to hate Jonathan just because of his relation to King Saul, who was threatening David’s life. David kept his mind open to a man who was strongly associated with his adversary. As a result, David and Jonathan’s lives were positively impacted through an enriching friendship. By keeping our minds open, we are able to grow spiritually mature, loving others as Christ does.

[Q] In what way has God most revealed his love to you? How can you love others as Christ has loved you?

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Making Unlikely Friends Page !3 [Q] Can you think of anyone who is different than you are, but who sparks your interest? How might you reach out to her?

[Q] Is there someone in your past with whom you’ve had a disagreement, who may turn out to be a friend after all? How might you take a first step toward healing that relationship?

Teaching point two: Friendships can flourish across generations. Read Ruth 1:15–18 and 1 Peter 5:1–7. The Bible is full of stories of love and care for family members, including relationships among different generations. Some examples include Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi, Paul and his nephew, Abraham and his nephew Lot, and Paul and Timothy. Instructions on caring for each other in the body of Christ are also given in the Bible. Not all of us will see family members save us from life-and-death situations as Abraham did for Lot (Genesis 14, 18–19) and Paul’s nephew did for him (Acts 23). However, we can support one another by doing things together, sharing our lives and emotional needs with one another, and most importantly, praying for one another through different spiritual battles and milestones along life’s journey. Ruth and Naomi journeyed together, supporting one another. We can also establish friendships with people from different generations outside of our families. We can follow the guidelines for caring given to the elders and young men in 1 Peter 5:1–7. We can physically, emotionally, and spiritually support and encourage the elderly in our communities and churches, or mentor someone younger than us. Start praying today for 1) how God can use you as a friend to your extended family, and 2) for the opportunity to establish a friendship outside of your generation and family. Your life will be changed while impacting others, and friendships will flourish.

[Q] Does our society encourage caring for our family members? Explain your thoughts. Who in your family might need your friendship?

[Q] We can be inspired by how the apostle Paul took Timothy under his care and mentored him, including leading him to Christ during his first visit to Lystra. Timothy traveled with Paul on many missionary journeys as well. How might God use your friendships to further his kingdom?

[Q] Can you think of anyone of a different generation that you’d like to be friends with? How can you begin a relationship with this person?

Teaching point three: Our most enriching friendship is found in Jesus Christ, and we can gain wisdom from seeing how he loved his friends. Read Exodus 33:11 and John 4:1–42. God created his children with a longing for fellowship. Throughout the Old Testament, there are stories demonstrating the relational attributes of God. Some examples of God’s relational intentions include how all three persons of the Trinity walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden, Abraham’s covenant relationship with the Lord, and how the Lord spoke face-to-face with Moses as a man would speak with his friend. The New Testament documents the greatest demonstration of love, as God sent his Son Jesus to minister 33 years on earth. Jesus, having gone through everything we would experience, continually set an example of how to care for others. Most importantly, Jesus was and is the one and only perfect sacrifice to atone for our sins. Through relationship with Christ, we enter into relationship with God the Father.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Making Unlikely Friends Page !4 Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus spending time with people. He fed the hungry, healed the sick, blessed the children, befriended sinners, and spent time developing close friendships with the disciples, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Jesus was a selfless friend. In John 4, Jesus didn’t have his own agenda in befriending others. He showed love to those he met. We can be encouraged by Jesus’ example of making friends with an assortment of people. Perhaps we will be motivated to befriend our neighbor across the street that we hardly know, the parent sitting on the bleachers with us game after game, or the woman on the same committee at church. Maybe it is time to reach beyond comfort zones. We can love and care for people, growing friendships along the way, in a selfless, Christ-like manner.

[Q] List three things you have in common with the Samaritan woman found in John 4.

[Q] Who might be the “Samaritan woman” God has placed in your life? How might you strike up a friendship with her?

PART 3 Apply Your Findings

We are created to be relational beings. Sometimes relationships can be spiritually challenging, but they cause us to grow. We want to focus on the selflessness of Christ and his love and care for others. By doing so, we are able to see clear examples of how to befriend others—by aligning with people we have previously found difficult or different than us, by caring more deeply for and forming prayer relationships with older or younger family members, or by volunteering our time serving the elderly or mentoring the youth. There are various ways to reach beyond our comfort zones. By being willing to do so, we grow in Christ and will almost always experience a truly enriching relationship in return.

[Q] As a group, brainstorm ideas for both relational and service activities that can be done as a group or as individuals. !

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com LEADER’S GUIDE Making Unlikely Friends Page !5 Example Ideas for Relational Activities: • Group – Plan to host a ladies’ tea at your church or the place where your small group meets. Encourage each member in this study to invite someone new to attend the tea. • Individual – Invite someone new to your home for a meal. If it is close to the holidays, share your holiday dinner with someone spending the holidays away from his or her family. • Group or Individual – Write a note of encouragement to someone elderly in a local nursing home, someone ill in the hospital or recovering at home, a new mom, etc. Example Ideas for Service Activities: • Group – Plan to volunteer at a local soup kitchen, wrap presents in the mall during the holidays, or plan a fundraiser for a local charity. • Individual – Invite a junior or senior high youth in your church or community to meet weekly with you for 10–15 minutes of prayer and encouragement. Carry this relationship on throughout the teen’s school years. (You may also want to reverse this concept and select someone older than you to meet with and serve as your mentor.)

—Study prepared by Chandelle Claassen

Additional Resources

• ChristianBibleStudies.com Friendships that Benefit Parenting Developing True Accountability Successful Relationships Course Like the Ones You Love Course

• Becoming a Contagious Christian, Bill Hybels, Mark Mittelberg (Zondervan, 1996; ISBN 0310210089)

• Friendship: The Key to Spiritual Growth, John W. Crossin (Paulist Press, 1997; ISBN 0809137100)

• The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore, Marla Paul (St. Martin Press, 2005; ISBN 1579547451)

• The Friendship Factor, 25th Anniversary Edition, Alan Loy McGinnis (Augsburg/ Fortress, 2004; ISBN 0806635711)

• The Friendships of Women, 10th Anniversary Edition, Dee Brestin (Cook Communications, 1997; ISBN 1564766322)

• Relationships, Dr. Les Parrott III, Dr. Leslie Parrott (Zondervan, 2002; ISBN 0310242665)

• Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship and Direction, David G. Benner, Larry Crabb (Inter-Varsity Press, 2004; ISBN 083083270X)

• Virtues of Friendship and Loyalty, William J. Bennett (Thomas Nelson, 2001; ISBN 0849917255) !

By Amy Nappa, for the study, “Making Unlikely Friends”

When I first met Marie, I never would’ve imagined we’d become friends. It was my first day in martial arts class. My son, Tony, had been taking tae kwon do for several months, and I decided joining him would be good exercise and a neat way to bond. As I stepped onto the mat-covered floor, a small, dark- haired woman wearing a black belt approached me. She smiled warmly, extended her hand, and said, “Hi! I’m Something Something Something.” At least that’s what I heard. She had a thick accent. German? French? I fumbled nervously, “Excuse me?” Without losing her temper (or giving me a karate chop), she patiently repeated, “I’m Marie Something Something.” “Marie?” I asked. “Close enough,” she responded. Within a few minutes she had me doing push-ups and wild kicks. Over the course of the next few months, I learned her name was actually Marie- Paule Leonhardt, her accent was French, and she and I had just about nothing in common. True, we were both mothers, but her kids were grown while my son, Tony, was still in grade school. She enjoyed hobbies such as hunting (as in shooting elk), fishing (as in standing around in cold water), and camping (as in sleeping on the hard ground 30 miles from a decent restroom). Yet despite these differences, Marie and I became friends. One day, I mentioned to her that I thought it might be nice if we got together for lunch sometime; I was testing the waters to see if Marie had any interest in getting better acquainted. After all, we were the only mothers in the class, and Marie seemed friendly. She agreed to lunch, and we soon met at a local sandwich shop. That became the first of many lunches we’ve shared together. From these times I’ve learned about Marie’s rich European history and the whirlwind romance that brought her to America. I’ve discovered she’s incredibly hospitable, goes out of her way to show friends she cares about them, and is a talented cook. Despite my initial skepticism, God brought Marie into my life and allowed us to form a friendship that’s enriched my life.

© 2006 • CHRISTIANITY TODAY INTERNATIONAL Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com ARTICLE Different by Design Page !2 This unlikely friendship, and others like it, got me thinking. Why do I look for friends who are exactly like me? Why do I think only women my age, married to husbands who like the same sports as mine, with kids the same age as mine, who volunteer in the same places I do, and who have the same beliefs as I, can be my friends? When I examined my closed-minded ways, I realized I was ignoring potential friendships all over the place! I asked around and found I wasn’t alone. My friend Cassie told me about her first impressions of Joelle, and how she was sure they’d never be friends. “Joelle has a blunt way of speaking; she’s loud and freely shares her opinions,” Cassie explained. “I thought she might find a better friend in someone else—not quiet, shy me!” Yet after being thrown together in a variety of church-related situations, Cassie saw deeper into Joelle’s heart. She learned Joelle was firm when it came to standing up for her faith, had a great sense of humor, and sincerely listened when Cassie had concerns. Soon Cassie realized she’d found a friend. Another friend of mine, Monica, reached out in friendship to a developmentally disabled adult, Annette, whom she met at church. While others might have thought they wouldn’t relate to someone with a disability, Monica put aside those differences and offered Annette rides to and from church functions, invited her to family events, and remembered her with other gestures of kindness. Annette radiates joy every time she speaks of Monica and her children. She knows she has a friend! These unlikely friendships shouldn’t surprise me. After all, the Bible’s full of them! And what great examples these friendships are for us even today.

Family Ties The Old Testament women Ruth and Naomi never should have been friends. After all, they were in-laws! Ruth married Naomi’s son, and when both their husbands died, Ruth stuck with Naomi instead of returning to her own family, saying, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me” (Ruth 1:16,17). The Bible clearly shows these women trusted each other, cared for each other, and stuck it out through thick and thin. Just like Ruth and Naomi, we can find friends within our family. Many women overlook potential friendships with their parents, in-laws, grandparents, and children. My family members are my dearest friends of all—even my son, Tony. He’s a bunch of years younger than I am, and is into all kinds of things I’m not, such as sports, video games, and frogs. But Tony and I love to hang out together, whether we’re reading books, taste-testing cinnamon rolls at local breakfast spots, or dancing around the living room pretending to be rock stars. He offers me a new perspective on things and reminds me it’s more important to have fun than to do the laundry. (We all could use friends like that!)

! ! ARTICLE Different by Design Page !3 Adversaries into Allies The Bible also tells of the unlikely friendship between David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18–23). David clearly was God’s choice to be the next king of Israel. Jonathan was the son of the current king, Saul, and might have thought he should be the next king. Add in the fact that Saul hated David, and you’ve definitely got an unlikely friendship. Yet these two men loved each other as brothers. When Jonathan was killed, David went to the trouble of finding and caring for Jonathan’s only heir. Now that’s a friendship! David and Jonathan’s relationship reminds us we can find friends among those we consider our enemies. You might not think you have adversaries, but you probably have some strong feelings over certain issues and may avoid people with opposing views. What about someone from a different political party? Can you put those differences aside for the sake of a friendship? I have several friends with whom I don’t agree on many ethical points. Yet we’ve been able to agree to disagree and move on with our friendships. Whether it’s political parties or Harry Potter, set it aside and look deeper into the loving heart beneath.

The Best Friend of All Maybe the most unlikely friendship of all is the one between the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the village well (John 4). To begin with, she was a Samaritan and Jesus was a Jew. During Bible times, these groups despised each other—so they were off to an unlikely start. In addition, this woman had an unfavorable reputation and apparently didn’t have a lot of friends, since she was at the well when other women weren’t. Most Jews would have snubbed this woman. But not Jesus. He invited her to be one of his followers. An unlikely friendship indeed! In fact, it’s rather unlikely any of us would find a friend in our Lord. We’re imperfect, unholy, and have nothing in common with the Master of the universe. Yet he still desires us as friends! From this unlikely friendship, we’re reminded of two things. First, Jesus desires to have a relationship with us. He’s willing to put aside all the differences and enter into our life. We should welcome Jesus as quickly as we would welcome a friend bringing steaming lattes and a plate of brownies! Second, Jesus didn’t look only for friends who were like him. We should follow his example. Can you think of any possibilities? I thought of a group of college girls who stop by my house for snacks and a few hours of chitchat every now and then. I first met them when I was one of their high-school church leaders. Who would have thought that over time I’d come to know these young women as dear friends? They remind me there are still new things to discover and new paths to explore in life. And I hope my touch on their lives encourages them with an older, wiser perspective. Ever since I opened my eyes to unlikely friendships, I’ve found friends everywhere! Friends of all kinds enrich our life as we enrich theirs. Who’s God nudging your way? With his help, you’re bound to find a friend sooner than you think! ! ! ARTICLE Different by Design Page !4 —Amy Nappa, a TCW regular contributor and best-selling author, whose latest book is The Low-Fat Lifestyle (WaterBrook), lives with her family in Colorado.

TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, January/February 2003, Vol. 25, No. 1, Page 54 ! !

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