BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Pandas"

written by Eric Loren Montgomery

PRODUCTION COMPANY NAME 5950 Canterbury Dr. SPEC SCRIPT C-102 Culver City, CA 90230 03 22, 2015 COLD OPEN 1 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - BULLPEN - JAKE'S DESK - MORNING 1 JAKE, ROSA, ADRIAN,and AMY are sitting at their respective desks when-- SCULLY, out of breath sprints in followed by HITCHCOCK equally out of breath. Hitchcock hands are covered in red sauce and Scully’s are covered in white foam. SCULLY Guys! There was an explosion! AMY Oh God is that blood? Amy gags. ADRIAN Are you guys making splatter art without me? ROSA What the hell is that? Adrian gets face to face with Rosa. ADRIAN Sometimes the people we hurt most on the street, make the most beautiful art. Jake, disgusted by the sexual tension; steps between them and turns to Hitchcock. JAKE According to Snap-a-insta-twit-ride- eats there was a kidnapping at the Brooklyn Zoo-- TERRY sprints into the Bullpen. TERRY Why the hell are ya’ll sitting around for? We got a situation! There’s strawberry syrup, whip cream everywhere and a Panda kidnapping! ADRIAN Strawberry syrup? I can work with that. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 2.

JAKE Hashtag Street sundae! Jake raises his hand for a high five, no one responds. CHARLES runs into the Bullpen covered in strawberry syrup and whip cream. CHARLES Guys! Outside! Street sundae! Charles high fives Jake, whip cream splatters in Rosa’s face. ROSA Pimento, grab your brush, we’re about to make splatter art.

END OF COLD OPEN BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 3.

ACT ONE 2 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - NOW 2 Two trucks are turned on their sides and a black van smashed into a wall. The TRUCK DRIVERS are being attended to by PARAMEDICS. Rosa and Amy are interviewing the Truck Drivers. TRUCK DRIVER 1 I didn’t see who was driving the van but I do know whiplash cream sideswiped my truck! Truck Driver 2 throws a feeble punch at Truck Driver 1. Rosa steps in with an arm bar. ROSA Knock it off before I break it off! Amy calmly lowers Rosa’s arm bar. AMY Did you see the Pandas? TRUCK DRIVER 2 Pandas? No I didn’t see no damn Pandas, but I did see strawberry short brakes over there crash into my truck! Truck Driver 1 lunges at Truck Driver 2 but Amy pushes him away. Rosa pushes Truck Driver 2 away. TRUCK DRIVER 2 (CONT’D) You better be glad lady Judge Dredd is holding me back! TRUCK DRIVER 1 I’ll see you at Dessert Con! I’m going to banana split your-- Jake, Adrian, and Charles are checking out inside of the van for clues. OFFICERS are tagging the pet cages for evidence. JAKE Why are we investigating an animal kidnapping? Isn’t this out of jurisdiction? CHARLES It happened right in front of the precinct and technically the Brooklyn Zoo is in our jurisdiction. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 4.

JAKE Who kidnaps Pandas? CHARLES These aren’t any Pandas, these are rare Red Pandas. Ailurus fulgens. Adrian loses it for a beat and grabs Charles by the shirt collar. ADRIAN Are you threatening me Boyle? Jake separates Adrian’s hands from Charles’ collar. JAKE Easy buddy, he’s just a fan of exotic animals. CHARLES Their names are Bo and Mae-Mae, and looking at these cages our little friends are out there in the city all alone. ADRIAN Figgis had a thing for homemade exotic candies. He made his Maltese Tiger watch The Life of Pi on a loop and collected the tears and made crystal candy. CHARLES That’s just cruel. 3 EXT. FIGGIS HIDEOUT - FLASHBACK - NIGHT 3 Adrian finds a small candy box with his name on it, he opens it. There’s a note inside, he reads-- ADRIAN “To Paul my crying tiger, hidden hitman.” Adrian removes a piece of candy from the box unwraps it and holds it up like a jewel. ADRIAN (CONT’D) Maltese tiger tears. He looks around and takes a lick and is instantly transported into a sweet euphoria. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 5.

4 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - BACK TO SCENE 4 ADRIAN I’ve never tasted something so bittersweet. JAKE Weren’t tiger tears banned in the 90’s? ADRIAN That’s why I took a personal vow to free that tiger. CHARLES Did you? ADRIAN No. Figgis never kept a pet for longer than a week. Wait, I know this van. Jake taps the windshield of the van. JAKE Who drives with a tinted windshield? ADRIAN Rob and Ben! CHARLES Who is that? ADRIAN Figgis’ top drivers. They specialize in animal smuggling and illegal party favors. JAKE Triple lead! Find the Rob-Ben, find the pandas and find the Figgis. ADRIAN You think it’s that easy? Figgis doesn’t get found, he send me to find you. Paul Sneed ain’t no-- JAKE Pimento? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 6.

ADRIAN I’m sorry. I’m a detective, my name is Adrian Pimento, it says so on this little note card I made for myself. Gina even lamented it for me. Adrian reads his note card. JAKE Are you sure? ADRIAN Yes, I’m Detective Adrian Pimento. JAKE No about this Rob and Ben hunch? ADRIAN Yeah. Adrian fiddles with the pet cages and reveals name plates that read: “Property Of Rob And Ben” ADRIAN (CONT’D) Boom! Rosa and Amy approach. AMY We didn’t get anything from the truck drivers. ROSA What’s up with Pimento? JAKE He knows the kidnappers and they work for Figgis. It’s a triple double. ROSA So. But why is he making out with the van? Adrian is rubbing his face on the van window. Charles joins him. ADRIAN Can you feel it? CHARLES Yeah, this is great. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 7.

ADRIAN Yeah this is definitely the van. CHARLES You were able to feel it through your face? ADRIAN No. My beard is itching and plus there’s the license plate. Adrian points at the license plate. Charles jots down the number. CHARLES I’ll run the plates back inside and see if we can get something. ROSA I’ll come with you. Adrian steps into Rosa’s airspace. ADRIAN Or you could stay here and continue the investigation. ROSA This scene is already too hot. ADRIAN Well there’s always the paperwork. Jake can feel the awkward sexual tension. Charles and Rosa walk away. CHARLES I love paperwork, let’s make it a threesome. ROSA Let’s not. Charles scratches his face and wonders if it had anything to do with the van. AMY Are you sure about Pimento? JAKE Nope. Adrian is sniffing the ground and finds a piece of chocolate. He picks it up, sniffs it and takes a bite. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 8.

ADRIAN It’s just chocolate everyone, don’t freak out. JAKE Adrian might be a little crazy but he’s a good detective. Adrian sniffs around again and picks up a small object, puts it in his mouth and spits it out. ADRIAN Definitely not chocolate. Amy gags. JAKE So he’s a lot crazy but considering he’s like our little Winter Soldier-- AMY The who? JAKE Captain America’s sidekick who they thought was dead but got his brain scrambled and was a super spy, had this cool robotic arm and you have no idea what I’m talking about. Amy looks at Jake dumbfounded. AMY I’m going back inside to try and track down these drivers, maybe there’s something in the database. JAKE You’re so smart and that’s why I love you. AMY I love you too and would love to stay out here but I can’t take Pimento acting like he’s a finalist on Survivor. Adrian is rubbing whatever he picked up off the ground on his face. JAKE I can handle Pimento, remember how difficult it was for me? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 9.

AMY I actually don’t, you threw yourself a Jason Bourne theme party. 5 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT 5 Jake, Charles, Rosa, Gina and Amy are standing at the bar. JAKE Thanks for coming everyone. GINA So how exactly is this supposed to work? I binge watched all of Jason Bourne movies, even the one with Jeremy Renner. CHARLES Yeah, I was curious which film is this party inspired by. I even wore the ear piece you put in the gift bags. JAKE I didn’t make any gift bags. CHARLES So what is this in my ear? Charles rips the faux ear piece from his ear. Jake turns away from the bar sensing something. AMY Is something wrong? Jake takes a few steps forward and Terry bear hugs him from behind. AMY (CONT’D) Jake! Jake struggles to get away but he can’t. JAKE Give me a pen! This isn’t how we rehearsed this! 6 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - BACK TO SCENE 6 Jake tries to rub the memory out of his neck. JAKE Terry was so much better in rehearsals. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 10.

AMY If I come up with anything, I’ll let you know. Jake watches Amy walk away and notices New York Rap Star DESIIGNER suspiciously loitering around the crime scene. JAKE He looks suspicious, hey Ben! Desiigner stops for a beat stares at Jake. JAKE (CONT’D) Hey, have you seen a couple of Pandas? Desiigner takes off running and Jake takes off after him. 7 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - COPY ROOM - NOW 7 Terry is pacing back and forth, occasionally looking at his phone. Gina, shuffling something in her hands walks in and bumps into him, dropping whatever was in her hands. GINA Dang Terry! Watch out. Gina attempts to push Terry but he doesn’t budge. TERRY What the hell Gina? Terry takes a step back. CRUNCH! Gina falls to the floor in agony. GINA Man, I’ve been waiting all morning to eat that! TERRY A piece of candy? GINA A piece of candy? That was a Maltese Tiger tear, one of the rarest pieces of candy in the world and you just crushed my dreams with those ugly dress boot shoe fusions you think are so cool. Terry looks down at his shoes, he does think they’re cool. He shows his phone to Gina. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 11.

TERRY I’ve been checking our social media feed and we’re getting crushed. GINA Like the way you candy crushed my dreams? TERRY You’re good at social media. GINA Not just good, certified. Took a class on periscope and graduated on Snapchat. Gina takes Terry’s phone and scrolls through a few posts. GINA (CONT’D) This is bad. I don’t know if these twitter fingers can fix this. People love animals and we did just lose the most popular pandas in Brooklyn. We hear animal squeaking noises. Terry and Gina look up. TERRY What the hell was that? GINA It’s Brooklyn Terry, rats are a part of the eco-system. TERRY Fix this P.R. mess and call the exterminator again. We hear more squeaks, Terry leaves. 8 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLT’S OFFICE - NOW 8 HOLT is staring at Hitchcock and Scully. HOLT How did the van manage to drive scott free through our precinct without either of you doing anything? HITCHCOCK Who’s Scott Free? (To Scully) Scully shrugs his shoulders. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 12.

HOLT We’re going to need something soon, this looks bad. CHARLES (O.S.) We’ve got something. Charles and Rosa enter. HOLT What is it Boyle? CHARLES Pimento...Pimen-taaahh. Charles feels his face and realizes the left side of his face is frozen. HOLT Is everything okay Boyle? SCULLY You don’t look too good? CHARLES I think I’m having an allergic reaction to the van. Terry enters followed by Gina, who immediately points at Charles face. GINA (laughing) You got a crying Jordan meme face! Speaking of memes, you should see how creative these “Brooklyn Nine-Nine be like memes” are. Gina holds up her phone. TERRY Is that Kung Fu Panda? HOLT Diaz, before Boyle’s face went into allergic shock, what was he trying to articulate? ROSA Pimento can I.D. the kidnappers. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 13.

TERRY Can we trust Pimento? Yesterday I caught him licking the floor in the break room. 9 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - BREAK ROOM - FLASHBACK 9 Terry walks into the break room and sees Adrian licking the floor. Adrian looks up at Terry. ADRIAN Just making sure the department is secure. Taste can more reliable than sight. 10 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLT’S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE 10 ROSA The drivers are named Rob and Ben. They work for Figgis. HOLT Excellent. We find these suspects and perhaps they lead us to the red pandas and ultimately Figgis. AMY (O.S.) Which is why-- Amy walks in with a stack of files.

AMY (CONT’D) I’m searching through our physical and digital database for any proof that Rob and Ben aren’t just Fig-mentos. TERRY What? AMY It’s what Jake calls the imaginary people Pimento talks to. HOLT Excellent work Santiago. AMY Thank you sir. Amy exits carefully balancing the stack of files. Charles starts to wobble back and forth. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 14.

HOLT Boyle you might want to see a health care professional. Charles passes out, Terry catches him. GINA Oh dang.

END OF ACT ONE BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 15.

ACT TWO 11 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLT’S OFFICE - NOW 11 Hitchcock takes a napkin from his shirt and dabs Charles on the forehead, leaving behind a red mark. TERRY What is that? Rosa wipes the red smudge from Charles’ face and looks at Hitchcock. ROSA Give me that. Rosa snatches the napkin from Hitchcock, unfolds it and shows it to Terry. TERRY Between the hot sauce stains and guacamole it looks like directions, written in crayon. GINA Or it could be diner art, I love some good diner art. Terry holds up the napkin, written in bright red crayon is “MEET UP WITH JIMMY”. 12 EXT. BROOKLYN NEIGHBORHOOD - STREET - NOW 12 Jake is running behind Desiigner but he realizes that he won’t catch him. JAKE Freeze! Suddenly Pimento tackles Desiigner and takes him to the ground. ADRIAN Why did you run? Jake catches up. JAKE Are you working for Figgis? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 16.

DESIIGNER I don’t know no Figgis, ya feel me? I’m out here with my own swag. Adrian helps Desiigner up. ADRIAN He’s not a Figgis type of guy. JAKE How do you know? ADRIAN Listen to him. DESIIGNER It is but it is, ya feel me? JAKE If you don’t have anything to do with Figgis, why did you run? DESIIGNER Ya Dougie parked the X6 around the corner, ya feel me? JAKE Where are the Pandas? DESIIGNER Panda. Panda. Ya feel me? Jake huddles with Adrian. ADRIAN Why does he want us to feel him? Is he hitting on us, I mean I know the beard has sex appeal but-- JAKE No he’s just speaking New York swag. I’m only catching bits and pieces but I think he wants to help us. Jake turns to Desiigner. JAKE (CONT’D) We’re not going to arrest you. DESIIGNER Ya feel my funk. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 17.

JAKE But we do need your help, ya feel me. No snitching, straight hittin’ and living. DESIIGNER I feel ya. Desiigner follows behind Jake and Adrian. ADRIAN (whispering) What does straight hittin’ and living mean? JAKE (whispering) I don’t know but I think it worked. 13 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - BULLPEN - NOW 13 Terry, followed by Holt; carries Charles into the Bullpen and puts him into a chair. Charles’ face has doubled in size. TERRY Everything’s going to be okay buddy, just hold on. Charles mutters incoherently. Holt examines Charles. Hitchcock, Scully, Rosa and Gina stand around like students watching a Doctor perform surgery. HOLT There have been cases of the skin actually exploding due to swelling. I’m no doctor but this looks too serious to wait for the paramedics. TERRY But what about Bo and Mae Mae? HOLT We’ll find them. You’re going to have to take Boyle to E.R. Charles is moaning in pain. ROSA I’ll take him. TERRY Diaz you can’t carry him to the car and into the E.R. Dammit I guess I’m going. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 18.

14 INT. BROOKLYN GENERAL HOSPITAL E.R. - WAITING ROOM - NOW 14 Terry and Rosa push Charles through the waiting room in a wheelchair. TERRY (frustrated) I can’t believe this. Terry surveys the packed room looking for a place to park Charles. ROSA It’s Boyle, what’s there not to believe? TERRY We need to hurry up and get back, I’ll just let the receptionist know we’re on official police business. Terry approaches the Receptionist window behind the counter is an irritated RECEPTIONIST. RECEPTIONIST What’s the emergency? TERRY My co-worker had an allergic reaction. Receptionist hands Terry a stack of papers. RECEPTIONIST Fill out this paperwork and bring it back when you’re done and you get a number. TERRY Ma’am we really don’t have time to fill all of your lovely paperwork out. We’re on official police business. RECEPTIONIST So is everyone else here, that isn’t related to a Kardashian, working for the President, on a mission from God or a Facebook friend of Mark Zuckerberg. I’ve heard it all. Fill out the paperwork. Terry reluctantly takes the stack of paper and walks back to Rosa and Charles. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 19.

ROSA What happened? TERRY This. Terry holds out the paperwork. Rosa takes it from him. ROSA I can fill this out. Done. TERRY I’m impressed Diaz, you know Boyle that well? ROSA Nope. I just marked everything with an “X”. Rosa takes the paperwork over to the Receptionist. ROSA (CONT’D) Number. RECEPTIONIST You think you’re tough? Try dealing with patients with half a face trying to tell you what their emergency is. Here’s your number, don’t try and trade it and don’t ask for another. Rosa snatches the number from Receptionist and walks back to Terry and Charles. TERRY What’s our number? ROSA Three-- TERRY Maybe she wasn’t as bad as she seemed. ROSA No, three hundred. TERRY Oh dang. END OF ACT TWO 15 15 BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 20.

ACT THREE 16 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLT’S OFFICE - NOW 16 Holt stares at Hitchcock and Scully. HOLT Do you remember anything? Hitchcock stares at Scully. SCULLY Nope. Amy enters the office. AMY Captain I think I found our guys. Amy puts photos of ROB and BEN on Holt’s desk. AMY (CONT’D) I crossed referenced some security footage, traffic cameras and arrest records of perps with the names Rob and Ben. HOLT Good job Santiago. AMY They actually were spotted about an hour ago trying to buy bowls from a local restaurant, so they must still be in the area. HOLT What about the pandas? AMY Nothing. Holt picks up the pictures of Ben and Rob and hands them to Hitchcock. HOLT Now, can either of you I.D. these suspects? Hitchcock and Scully stare at each other. 17 17 BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 21.

18 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - FLASHBACK - MORNING 18 Scully and Hitchcock, happy as hell; are sitting on the curb eating giant breakfast burritos and drinking super-sized sodas. SCULLY Hot sauce me. Hitchcock squeezes a packet of hot sauce into Scully’s mouth. Scully reacts to the intense heat. SCULLY (CONT’D) Soda me! Hitchcock checks both cups, empty. HITCHCOCK I got it. Hitchcock pours hot sauce in the cup. Scully snatches it and takes sip followed by a sigh of relief. SCULLY You’re a genius. The black van speeds behind them followed by the sound of a loud crash and an explosion. 19 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLT’S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE 19 HITCHCOCK The hot sauce melts the ice. AMY That can’t really work? HOLT No it doesn’t. Heat associated with spice is a chemical reaction and has nothing to do with temperature. Scully and Hitchcock stare at Holt dumbfounded. AMY Come on guys, you have to remember something. HITCHCOCK Wait, I do remember something! Hitchcock reaches in his pocket and finds a set of keys. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 22.

AMY Where did you get those from? 20 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - FLASHBACK 20 Hitchcock and Scully are staring at the accident in awe. HITCHCOCK What should we do? SCULLY Dessert. BEN and ROB, the Panda kidnappers; are walking towards the Hitchcock and Scully carrying pet cages. ROB For the love of Colonel Sanders. Rob is struggling when Hitchcock gives him an assist and they put the cage down on the sidewalk. Ben follows suit. HITCHCOCK Easy there buddy. ROB I just crashed. Rob falls to his knees and lays on the ground. BEN He’s got low blood sugar. HITCHCOCK My partner does too. Hey, we’ve got breakfast burritos. Hitchcock hands Rob the breakfast burrito. Rob BEN See if you would have eaten like I told you to, you wouldn’t have crashed. SCULLY Same thing happens to me when I don’t eat. ROB Hot sauce me. Scully squirts hot sauce in Ben’s mouth. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 23.

HITCHCOCK Hot sauce me too buddy! Scully squirts hot sauce on Hitchcock’s face instead. SCULLY Sorry, we’re out of napkins. BEN Here you go buddy. Ben hands Hitchcock the “Meet Jimmy” napkin we saw earlier. We hear animals squeaking. SCULLY What was that? ROB Sorry, I must be hungry too. Rob, Ben, Hitchcock and Scully stare at the flood of strawberry syrup and whip cream flowing out of the trucks. The Truck Drivers are arguing with each other. SCULLY Free dessert! BEN We need spoons! SCULLY We can go grab some. ROB And bowls! We’ll get the bowls! BEN Hey can you hold these for me? I don’t have any pockets and I don’t want to lose them. Ben hands a set of keys to Hitchcock. 21 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLT’S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE 21 Holt hands the photos to Hitchcock and Scully. HOLT Please tell me you can identify these suspects. Hitchcock and Scully stare at the pictures, flipping them over, looking at them sideways. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 24.

SCULLY Nope. 22 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - BULLPEN - NOW 22 Adrian and Jake bring Desiigner into the bullpen and spot Gina scrolling on her phone. JAKE Gina we need your help. GINA Take a number. JAKE But you’re not doing anything. GINA Are you serious? We’re having a major social media meltdown. The Nine-Nine trending for all the wrong reasons. DESIIGNER I feel ya funk. GINA Two Pandas got kidnapped from the Brooklyn Zoo and dropped into our hood and we can’t find them or the kidnappers. JAKE And this guy might know where they are and who took them. DESIIGNER That’s a fact, it is what it is. GINA Is that right? Well I need to handle this social media swag. DESIIGNER It’s time to smile and get to work, catch me? Desiigner takes Gina’s phone and takes a selfie. GINA Caught. DESIIGNER Man I’m the macho like Randy. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 25.

Gina takes a few selfies with Desiigner. JAKE This is why we need you, We can’t understand anything he’s saying. ADRIAN Come on Gina, do us a solid, just ask him whether or not he can I.D. the suspects. GINA And what do I get? ADRIAN The last piece of my Maltese Tiger Tears. GINA Lies. ADRIAN I know you love tiger tears. I tasted the residue on your coffee mug. GINA And you know that candy was banned in 1999 because it was proven they were made from real Maltese Tiger tears. And I had to special order a box from EBay. ADRIAN It’s real, a personal gift from Jimmy Figgis. GINA Show me. Adrian reaches in his pocket and removes a small piece of candy. ADRIAN I was saving this to celebrate the day we bring in Figgis. Gina snatches the candy from Adrian. GINA We got a deal. JAKE Thanks Gina. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 26.

Gina turns to Desiigner. GINA Red X6 look like a Panda. DESIIGNER Look like a Panda? GINA Hittin’ off licks, the coppas go Oscar for Pandas. Hope you understand me. DESIIGNER I got broads in Atlanta. Mixin’ dope, and the Fanta. Ya feel me? Adrian and Jake are speechless. Gina smiles. GINA He saw the whole thing but he doesn’t know where the pandas are. He can definitely I.D. the perps. DESIIGNER Hittin’ and living ya feel my funk? GINA He also said you promised him some recreational medicine for his trouble. JAKE How did you get all of that? BEN (O.S.) Excuse me. Adrian and Jake turn around to see Ben and Rob. BEN (CONT’D) We’re looking for our keys. ROB I think one of your coworkers has them. BEN And we brought bowls. ADRIAN Rob and Ben! BEN Paul? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 27.

Rob squints his eyes and points at Adrian’s badge. ROB Why do you have a badge? Are you like the guy in the Departed? BEN Yeah, he’s like Ben Affleck. ADRIAN No I’m not! And it wasn’t Affleck it was Matt Damon. JAKE They are pretty much the same guy. Oh my God they’re Hitchcock and Scullying us. GINA You’re right. I’m getting that empty space feeling in my brain, Pimento quick say something weird. ADRIAN Sometimes I like to surf little paper boats in gutter water. I’ll even imagine myself as a little sailor on a voyage home-- GINA Okay, that’s not weird it’s just sad. Jake turns to Desiigner. JAKE Are these the guys who stole the pandas? DESIIGNER Let’s go with it, ya feel me? Jake turns to Gina. GINA Those are definitely the kidnappers. BEN We’re not kidnappers, we’re drivers. ROB Anyone interested in some party favors? We’ve got a whole box in our van...where’s our van? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 28.

BEN Where are the keys? Adrian cuffs Rob and Ben. ADRIAN Right this way gentleman. BEN Thanks for the silver bracelets Paul. 23 INT. BROOKLYN GENERAL HOSPITAL - E.R. - WAITING ROOM - NOW 23 Charles sits in his wheelchair trying to sip a cup of water. Rosa gets impatient and shoves the straw in his mouth. while Terry watches the T.V. TERRY They still haven’t found the pandas. ROSA Why do you care? They look like big raccoons to me. CHARLES (slurring) Raccoons? Ailurus fulgens-- ROSA What did you say? Rosa grabs Charles’ wheelchair and threatens to tip it over. TERRY Easy Diaz, he’s just talking about the pandas. I took the kids to see the cubs when they were born. I looked into little Bo’s eyes, we connected. ROSA Like Pimento. TERRY Hell no. Pimento’s eyes look like he plucked them from someone else’s head. A NURSE comes into the waiting room. NURSE Three hundred! TERRY Finally let’s get out of here. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 29.

Terry, followed by Rosa wheels Charles into an examination room. The Doctor walks in and gasps at the site of Charles. DOCTOR What the hell happened to your face? ROSA Isn’t that your job? DOCTOR I’m just a Doctor, I don’t answer questions, I come up with them. So tell me what happened to your face? CHARLES (slurred) I rubbed my face against a van. DOCTOR I can’t understand you, it sounds like your tongue is in a blender. TERRY I think he had an allergic reaction. DOCTOR I can see that Dr. Muscles. With what? Or who that’s the two thousand dollar question. ROSA You mean million? DOCTOR Nope, two thousand is the average cost for an E.R. visit. Anyways your blood work came back and you’re allergic to Ailurus fulgens. TERRY Red pandas? DOCTOR So Dr. Muscles isn’t as stupid as his muscles say he is. ROSA Boyle when did your face turn into a skin balloon? CHARLES (slurring) When we got back to the bullpen. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 30.

24 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - BULLPEN - FLASHBACK - MORNING 24 Charles and Rosa enter the Bullpen. Holt comes out of his office. CHARLES Sir, I think we have a lead. We have a license plate number and a couple of names. HOLT Start working we need to get this situation under control as quickly as possible. CHARLES On it sir, I just need to use the little officer’s room. Charles walks away. Rosa stares off. HOLT Diaz? ROSA What? HOLT I’m going to try and get some info from Hitchcock and Scully. ROSA Want me to help? HOLT No, I don’t want to scare them. ROSA I’m the best interrogator we’ve got. HOLT But I need all our best detectives on this case. Help Boyle with those leads. Solve the case. ROSA Where is Boyle? 25 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - RESTROOM - MOMENTS LATER 25 Charles washes his hands. He looks in the mirror and notices a small smudge on his face from the van. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 31.

CHARLES Smudge alert. He soaps up his hands and wipes his face, getting soap in his eyes. CHARLES (CONT’D) Head and Shoulders! Charles reaches around for a towel but grabs a RED PANDA instead. He dries his face. CHARLES (CONT’D) These new paper towels are really soft. Wow. Charles tosses the Red Panda into the trash. He starts to feel the effects of the allergic reaction. 26 INT. BROOKLYN GENERAL HOSPITAL - E.R. - BACK TO SCENE 26 TERRY I know where the Pandas are. Diaz stay with Boyle. Terry sprints out of the room. The Nurse comes in with a huge needle. Charles starts to freak out. DOCTOR It’s just a Epinephrine Injection. Rosa holds Charles down. The Doctor sticks Charles with needle in the leg. 27 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - LINEUP ROOM - NOW 27 Rob, Ben and a three FILLERS stand in a lineup with Holt, Gina, Hitchcock, Scully, Jake, Adrian and Desiigner on the other side of the glass. JAKE Mr. Desiigner can you identify the suspects? DESIIGNER Yeah ya feel me. Two for the price of one. Desiigner points at Ben and Rob. HOLT Pimento are those the suspects? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 32.

ADRIAN Yup that’s Rob and Ben. HOLT Hitchcock, Scully? HITCHCOCK Hey it’s our street dessert buddies. Hitchcock and Scully wave at Ben and Rob. GINA You know that can’t see you? Hitchcock walks forward and hits the glass. GINA (CONT’D) Do you still need me? HOLT No, I think we’re good. Thank you sir. (to Desiigner) DESIIGNER Big ups. I like your funk ya feel me. HOLT Feeling you. Desiigner gives Holt a high five and exits. JAKE Captain Holt has swag. HOLT I can be cool Peralta. We hear animals squeaking. Jake, Gina, Adrian and Holt look up. GINA It’s just a rat people. ADRIAN That doesn’t sound like a New York rat. Adrian sniffs. ADRIAN (CONT’D) Don’t smell like it either. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 33.

GINA I think I need to call that exterminator. Gina makes the call. GINA (CONT’D) Hi, yeah we need an exterminator at-- Terry comes running into the lineup room and leaps to knock the phone out of Gina’s hand. TERRY No! Terry leaps up. TERRY (CONT’D) I know where Bo and Mae Mae are! Terry punches the ceiling and pulls the red pandas down. GINA Omigod, they’re like big red raccoons. Terry hand Adrian one of the red pandas. ADRIAN No one is going to hurt you little buddy. 28 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - LATER 28 ANIMAL CONTROL loads the red pandas into a truck. Terry, Gina and Adrian wave at them as they drive off. GINA Goodbye red raccoons. ADRIAN I need a hug, bring it in big guy. Adrian and Terry hug. Adrian sniffs Terry’s neck. ADRIAN (CONT’D) Smell can be more accurate than sight and taste-- Terry pushes Adrian away. TERRY Okay that’s enough. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 34.

GINA Okay Pimento, where’s my Maltese tiger tear? ADRIAN As promised. Adrian tosses a piece of candy to Gina. GINA You’re a strange saint Pimento. Charles and Rosa pull up in a car, Charles hops out. Rosa steps out of the car and locks eyes with Adrian. CHARLES I missed the pandas! TERRY Those pandas almost killed you Boyle. ADRIAN Come here buddy. Adrian hugs Charles. Charles starts to hive up. CHARLES Pimento you’ve got red panda in your beard! Diaz we have to go back to E.R.! Charles jumps back into the car. Rosa grabs Adrian by the hand. ROSA Come on. I need help filling out paperwork. Gina unwraps the candy and places it in her mouth expecting sweet europhia but getting-- GINA Pimento tears! Gross! Hitchcock and Scully prepare to say goodbye to Rob and Ben. BEN Thanks for holding on to our keys. SCULLY Sorry we didn’t get to eat that street dessert. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 35.

ROB Yeah we brought bowls. An FBI TRUCK pulls up and FBI DRIVER loads Ben and Rob into the truck. SCULLY We’ve got to find those bowls. Jake Amy and Holt watch the FBI truck drive away. AMY Ben and Rob didn’t know anything. HOLT They wrote their instructions on a napkin, gave the keys to their van to Hitchcock and Scully and basically turned themselves in. JAKE Hitchcock and Scullying us. HOLT Yes but this felt like a diversion. AMY Or a test. JAKE Rob and Ben know that Pimento is here, which mean Figgis does too. 29 INT. FBI TRUCK - MOMENTS LATER 29 FBI DRIVER throws a key to Rob and Ben. ROB Thanks. DRIVER Did you see Paul? BEN Yeah he’s there. ROB And he has a badge. DRIVER Good. Driver points a gun at Rob and Ben. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 36.

BEN Man. We didn’t even get dessert. Driver pulls the trigger.

END OF SHOW