BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" written by Eric Loren Montgomery PRODUCTION COMPANY NAME 5950 Canterbury Dr. SPEC SCRIPT C-102 Culver City, CA 90230 03 22, 2015 COLD OPEN 1 INT. 99TH PRECINCT - BULLPEN - JAKE'S DESK - MORNING 1 JAKE, ROSA, ADRIAN,and AMY are sitting at their respective desks when-- SCULLY, out of breath sprints in followed by HITCHCOCK equally out of breath. Hitchcock hands are covered in red sauce and Scully’s are covered in white foam. SCULLY Guys! There was an explosion! AMY Oh God is that blood? Amy gags. ADRIAN Are you guys making splatter art without me? ROSA What the hell is that? Adrian gets face to face with Rosa. ADRIAN Sometimes the people we hurt most on the street, make the most beautiful art. Jake, disgusted by the sexual tension; steps between them and turns to Hitchcock. JAKE According to Snap-a-insta-twit-ride- eats there was a kidnapping at the Brooklyn Zoo-- TERRY sprints into the Bullpen. TERRY Why the hell are ya’ll sitting around for? We got a situation! There’s strawberry syrup, whip cream everywhere and a Panda kidnapping! ADRIAN Strawberry syrup? I can work with that. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 2. JAKE Hashtag Street sundae! Jake raises his hand for a high five, no one responds. CHARLES runs into the Bullpen covered in strawberry syrup and whip cream. CHARLES Guys! Outside! Street sundae! Charles high fives Jake, whip cream splatters in Rosa’s face. ROSA Pimento, grab your brush, we’re about to make splatter art. END OF COLD OPEN BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 3. ACT ONE 2 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - NOW 2 Two trucks are turned on their sides and a black van smashed into a wall. The TRUCK DRIVERS are being attended to by PARAMEDICS. Rosa and Amy are interviewing the Truck Drivers. TRUCK DRIVER 1 I didn’t see who was driving the van but I do know whiplash cream sideswiped my truck! Truck Driver 2 throws a feeble punch at Truck Driver 1. Rosa steps in with an arm bar. ROSA Knock it off before I break it off! Amy calmly lowers Rosa’s arm bar. AMY Did you see the Pandas? TRUCK DRIVER 2 Pandas? No I didn’t see no damn Pandas, but I did see strawberry short brakes over there crash into my truck! Truck Driver 1 lunges at Truck Driver 2 but Amy pushes him away. Rosa pushes Truck Driver 2 away. TRUCK DRIVER 2 (CONT’D) You better be glad lady Judge Dredd is holding me back! TRUCK DRIVER 1 I’ll see you at Dessert Con! I’m going to banana split your-- Jake, Adrian, and Charles are checking out inside of the van for clues. OFFICERS are tagging the pet cages for evidence. JAKE Why are we investigating an animal kidnapping? Isn’t this out of jurisdiction? CHARLES It happened right in front of the precinct and technically the Brooklyn Zoo is in our jurisdiction. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 4. JAKE Who kidnaps Pandas? CHARLES These aren’t any Pandas, these are rare Red Pandas. Ailurus fulgens. Adrian loses it for a beat and grabs Charles by the shirt collar. ADRIAN Are you threatening me Boyle? Jake separates Adrian’s hands from Charles’ collar. JAKE Easy buddy, he’s just a fan of exotic animals. CHARLES Their names are Bo and Mae-Mae, and looking at these cages our little friends are out there in the city all alone. ADRIAN Figgis had a thing for homemade exotic candies. He made his Maltese Tiger watch The Life of Pi on a loop and collected the tears and made crystal candy. CHARLES That’s just cruel. 3 EXT. FIGGIS HIDEOUT - FLASHBACK - NIGHT 3 Adrian finds a small candy box with his name on it, he opens it. There’s a note inside, he reads-- ADRIAN “To Paul my crying tiger, hidden hitman.” Adrian removes a piece of candy from the box unwraps it and holds it up like a jewel. ADRIAN (CONT’D) Maltese tiger tears. He looks around and takes a lick and is instantly transported into a sweet euphoria. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 5. 4 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - BACK TO SCENE 4 ADRIAN I’ve never tasted something so bittersweet. JAKE Weren’t tiger tears banned in the 90’s? ADRIAN That’s why I took a personal vow to free that tiger. CHARLES Did you? ADRIAN No. Figgis never kept a pet for longer than a week. Wait, I know this van. Jake taps the windshield of the van. JAKE Who drives with a tinted windshield? ADRIAN Rob and Ben! CHARLES Who is that? ADRIAN Figgis’ top drivers. They specialize in animal smuggling and illegal party favors. JAKE Triple lead! Find the Rob-Ben, find the pandas and find the Figgis. ADRIAN You think it’s that easy? Figgis doesn’t get found, he send me to find you. Paul Sneed ain’t no-- JAKE Pimento? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 6. ADRIAN I’m sorry. I’m a detective, my name is Adrian Pimento, it says so on this little note card I made for myself. Gina even lamented it for me. Adrian reads his note card. JAKE Are you sure? ADRIAN Yes, I’m Detective Adrian Pimento. JAKE No about this Rob and Ben hunch? ADRIAN Yeah. Adrian fiddles with the pet cages and reveals name plates that read: “Property Of Rob And Ben” ADRIAN (CONT’D) Boom! Rosa and Amy approach. AMY We didn’t get anything from the truck drivers. ROSA What’s up with Pimento? JAKE He knows the kidnappers and they work for Figgis. It’s a triple double. ROSA So. But why is he making out with the van? Adrian is rubbing his face on the van window. Charles joins him. ADRIAN Can you feel it? CHARLES Yeah, this is great. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 7. ADRIAN Yeah this is definitely the van. CHARLES You were able to feel it through your face? ADRIAN No. My beard is itching and plus there’s the license plate. Adrian points at the license plate. Charles jots down the number. CHARLES I’ll run the plates back inside and see if we can get something. ROSA I’ll come with you. Adrian steps into Rosa’s airspace. ADRIAN Or you could stay here and continue the investigation. ROSA This scene is already too hot. ADRIAN Well there’s always the paperwork. Jake can feel the awkward sexual tension. Charles and Rosa walk away. CHARLES I love paperwork, let’s make it a threesome. ROSA Let’s not. Charles scratches his face and wonders if it had anything to do with the van. AMY Are you sure about Pimento? JAKE Nope. Adrian is sniffing the ground and finds a piece of chocolate. He picks it up, sniffs it and takes a bite. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 8. ADRIAN It’s just chocolate everyone, don’t freak out. JAKE Adrian might be a little crazy but he’s a good detective. Adrian sniffs around again and picks up a small object, puts it in his mouth and spits it out. ADRIAN Definitely not chocolate. Amy gags. JAKE So he’s a lot crazy but considering he’s like our little Winter Soldier-- AMY The who? JAKE Captain America’s sidekick who they thought was dead but got his brain scrambled and was a super spy, had this cool robotic arm and you have no idea what I’m talking about. Amy looks at Jake dumbfounded. AMY I’m going back inside to try and track down these drivers, maybe there’s something in the database. JAKE You’re so smart and that’s why I love you. AMY I love you too and would love to stay out here but I can’t take Pimento acting like he’s a finalist on Survivor. Adrian is rubbing whatever he picked up off the ground on his face. JAKE I can handle Pimento, remember how difficult it was for me? BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 9. AMY I actually don’t, you threw yourself a Jason Bourne theme party. 5 INT. BAR - FLASHBACK - NIGHT 5 Jake, Charles, Rosa, Gina and Amy are standing at the bar. JAKE Thanks for coming everyone. GINA So how exactly is this supposed to work? I binge watched all of Jason Bourne movies, even the one with Jeremy Renner. CHARLES Yeah, I was curious which film is this party inspired by. I even wore the ear piece you put in the gift bags. JAKE I didn’t make any gift bags. CHARLES So what is this in my ear? Charles rips the faux ear piece from his ear. Jake turns away from the bar sensing something. AMY Is something wrong? Jake takes a few steps forward and Terry bear hugs him from behind. AMY (CONT’D) Jake! Jake struggles to get away but he can’t. JAKE Give me a pen! This isn’t how we rehearsed this! 6 EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - STREET - BACK TO SCENE 6 Jake tries to rub the memory out of his neck. JAKE Terry was so much better in rehearsals. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE "Pandas" Spec Script 05/25/15 10. AMY If I come up with anything, I’ll let you know. Jake watches Amy walk away and notices New York Rap Star DESIIGNER suspiciously loitering around the crime scene.