4

The Issue University of No. 899 Surrey Students' Paper 7th February 1997

A HARD DAY'S VOTE Editor's Bit

"Good evening and welcome to Pizza Hut, my name is Melanie and I will be CONTENTS your waitress for tonight." his sound like because they love their job. something It is a totally différent way 3 NUSCONFERÊNCI straight out of a of life, they take a pride in 5 UNION NEWS T their job. The restaurants è CAREERS cheesy American advert and bars are spotless, the but when I worked for staff are contented - they 6 ENVIÄOMENTALNEWS Pizza Hut this was how don't need a code of con- we were told to greet duct to tell them how to be- customers. When serving have. 7 GCR ARE BACK customers we had to Okay so they are net ail follow the FAST code of like that but that doesn't 14 QUADROPHENIA-THE RE-RELEASE conduct (Friendly mean to say we couldn't 17 SPLATFEST Attentive Speedy and take a few tips from the Thoughtfixl). Europeans rather than blindly following what the REGULARS Americans do. A new survey by Sandi 4 THE RETURN OF THE LETTERS Mann, a research psy- Well, Ms Mann doesn't 9 THE RETURN OF ÜZ M chologist at the University agree with my method. 13 CROSSWORD/CARTOON of Saltbrd, suggests that She thinks that faking it is suppressing emotions by a good thing as long as 16 PERSONALS being nice to customers people develop ways to and fellow employees at manage the stress it creates work leads to high levels - yeah they do, they direct Distress. it at the customers. 13 EAS9CETBALL ANO TABLE TENNIS RESULTS Many companies insist on This new way of working 19 SKI REPORT - NEWS FROM THE PISTE staff being happy at work. has, of course, got a new 20 COMPniTION Let's face it, it wouldn't be name, it is called'émotion the same if you went into management' and is be- the Disney Store and was coming very big in the greeted by someone who States. Ms Mann suggests appeared to suck lemons that companies should al- for Britain. At the same low workers 'downtime' time, if there is no sincerity when they can express University of Surrey Students' Paper in what they do then don't their feelings or in other bother. words time to give their subordinates 'a good Union House, University of Surrey, I have never been one to heavy bollocking' - mmm Guildford, Surrey. GU2 5XH 'fake it' as people who that's seems really con- have met me will know. I structive. Telephone: 01483 259275 bumped into a couple of Fax: 01483 34749 guys in the Star last week Anyway we have yet to see Advertising: 01483 259275 who remembered me as how many British compa- E-mail: [email protected] (he bar maid with attitude nies décidé to adopt this http://www.surrey.ac.uk/Union/barefacts/ from ihe Hogs Head'! method of staff conduct. The results we have seen in Edttor - Melanie Dean I have got no time for these American stores so far in Features Editor - Tania Rocks codes of conducts that this country don't seem to Music Editor - Rob Winder more and more companies be too impressive. Sports Editor - Mark 'Ginga' Cusack are introducing. I can see Technk^al Editor - Jeff Blacktiam the reasoning behind it but The whole thing is a pile of Ptiotograptier - Matt Panrteil if the employees aren't be- pants ! ! ! Sorry, that was my Cartoonist - Stuart Parker having in that manner in down time. Editorial Contributions: Andy Gale, Bruce Ctiapman, the first place then maybe Now Bare Facts has no Matt Panneli. Liz M and ottiers... they shouldn't be em- gimmicks, so feel free to Muski iievlews: Numnuts, Vicki Snelgrove, James Hemingway. ployed. If you 'fake it' - it Paul Amani, Al Mooney, Mario Dias and Gabriel-Oliver Ctiamero read on and enjoy... shows. Bare Facts is an independent newspaper, published by the Mel XXX University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. Go to bars in France or It- The views expressed within the paper are those of the Editor, the Editorial board and the author, and do not necessarily represent aly and they are nice to you the views of the University of Surrey Students' Union or The because they want to be, University of Surr^. USSU Communications Office 1997 News Something You Should Know The Low-down on NUS Conférence and the Election for NUS Delegates.

f you're not yet aware it's now what actions Universities and Col- wish to discuss namely the envi- élection time and one of the lèges should be taking on specific ronment will be discussed during Iareas we will be called to cast issues. This year Conférence will sector conference. This is where vote on is who to send to NUS be debating what its policies are on further education institutions and Conférence in Blackpool. Many of Higher Education funding, the higher education institutions splin- you will be unaware as to what Dearing Report, Further Education ter off to discuss issues of particu- and action to be taken against fas- lar concern to them. conférence is and why the people cism and racism. This University we send to conférence is has submitted amendments to two I hope I've done my bit to en- important. To fili ih this of these proposed issues in orderto lighten you and don't forget we information gap, I thought l'd give highlight the specific issues faced need more delegates. Wny not you a bit of blurb. by nursing and midwifery stu- stand during the by-election? dents. Issues which NUS has so far New voices and new opinions will jrovide a more representativc NUS Conférence is held every overlooked and failed to pass guid- ance on. 5ody of influence and I assure you year and is attended by repre- that you will have fim. Provided ' sentatives from afEiliated collèges Some of you will be aware that you don't take the loonies too se- and Universities up and down the these are not the issues that Surrey riously and don't get too irate with country. We bave the right to send specifically wanted to discuss. the política! point scoring Confer- six delegates one for every thou- This is because issues prioritised ence is a rewarding experience sand students, although we cur- for discussion are decided demo- and you will have an excellent rently have only three candidates cratically according to how many time. standing. Conférence is called to institutions prioritised each. Nev- Brummy. decide what NUS policies are and ertheless one issue that we did

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TURN ON TUNE IN AND FIND OUT Letters

were wearing it in the first drum, and then washing them Finally, some letters and both of them place. Better than your effort, in the shower (at 3 o'clock in take an unusual approach. i.e. none at all. the morning?), whilst some latecomers from Bo's drunk- The first is a letter from students who enly stagger past your win- loved the 70's FNO but weren't im- Dear Editor dow singing Üie Spice Girls, and the person next door is pressed by the amount of students who Student life, we come to uni- versity, and are told that we having the time of their life dressed up. will "have the time our life". testing out the bed springs with the new girlfriend. Ad- The second is from a student who thinks Is this the case for 100%ofthe students out there? Well, it mittedly, these things don't always happen all at once, but that any level of noise is acceptable and isn't for me. that people who complain are just selfish. you can see my point. Some of us enjoy being inde- pendent, and relish the free- Have you ever been one of the dom associated with being in above? Personally, I've been our own place amongst peo- ail of the above on more than Dear Editor, hadn't dressed up, was be- ple in the same age range. one occasion. The thing is, though, I expect that sort of RE: 70's FNO cause they had nothing to There are others who miss wear. Well, that's not too home, their friends, thing to occur at university. If My mates and I were gutted at tricky to solve. Do you reckon mummy's home cooking. I was the tired individual in the lack of participation at last that all of our 70's clothes What is the difference, and question, I would turn my ste- weeks 70's FNO. We had jumped out at us from our how do you cope with the way reo on to drown out the thump been planning ail week and cupboards? No. We went to people are? from above; I'd sing along to were reaily looking forward places called charity shops, the Spice Girls; and wait in My personal problems don't 10 it. We'd kitted ourselves and yes, there are some m respect for "Yes! Yes! I'm include the subject of this ar- out in our flares polyester Guildford if you look hard coming, darling!" from next ticle, mine are unsolvable. shirts, make up, blue eye enough for them. I recall that door, and then congratulate One of these problems is peo- shadow and other 70's para- last year, around the time of the person in question the ple who can't abide any form phernalia. the 'Bad Taste Disco', there next day. In a nut shell - I of noise. was nothing of bad taste left would take all of this with a We traipsed for miles in our pinch of salt. in those charity shops, diffi- Noise is music, is people talk- 70 ' s get up, through the ci- cult as it is to picture, but, I vilian streets of Guildford, ing, is a number of different There are, however, others know that one for a fact, as I things associated with our from our current second year, went back to my home town who are not so easy-going, off campus abodes. A few daily lifestyles. How do you who study on a Wednesday (60 miles away) and found have a day without making or people even attempted to cy- some things there instead. night; prefer to read "A Short cle, their bellbottoms bellow- hearing any form of noise? As History Of Germany" instead a reader, who is most likely a having a boogie at FNO; and ing so high in the breeze, that So come on, make an effort. even trusty cycle clips student, would you say that watch witii glee when every- Just ask the second or final couldn't hold them down. We today you hadn't made any one bounds off to SHAG, years how good the Toga par- ignored the abuse and looks noise? Is it at all likely that knowing that the house will of horror received from be- ties, Drag disco's and bad today, through your normal be silent all night, and study- mused motorists and passers- taste parties etc. are when routine, you have made ing will be a pleasure. Why?? by, and made it in tacked to everyone joins in. To coin a enough noise to annoy some- Are this people the A.S.S? the Union, only to discover- phrase: BRILLIANT! one who lives next door, No, they're not even the Ab- above you, below you, or any- to our horror- we had got the It's not as if those who live on solut Swedish Society, these wrong night. Or so we where in your vicinity? You are people who would prefer campus (lucky gits) have to wouldn't know unless some- thought... walk very far to the event. to read electronics than pop one told you, would you? into Chancellor's for a Smor- . . . Out of the many people We want these kind of events gasbord. Are they instead the there on Friday, approxi- to carry on, at least until after Now picture the situation: Anti-Social Swine? No, they mately 20 had dressed up and out final year. If no-one par- you are a music lover. When aren't, they are merely one of made an effort. Between us, ticipates, then they will be you were at home you played life's little annoyances for we could name them all. stopped and everyone will music 24 hours a day, 7 days fun-loving party-goers like miss out. a week, you woke, worked myself With so much going A while ago, there were many and slept to music. Your en- on, why do nothing? complaints that the USSU Thank you, take heed, and tire life was music. You come Ents. Committee hadn't or- have FUN in the fiiture! to university, expecting to be Question: Should we worry ganised any themed FNO's. MelSerk among like-minded people, This semester, they have, and most of which would enjoy about noise infringement? a big THANKS is in order, PS To the person who aimed their music as much as you do Answer : Grin and bear it. but if no-one is going to sup- this comment at one of us yours. No problem! Well, as port these events by joining in whilst in the loos. Quote 'Oh a matter of fact, this can be a Scorpio the fun, then they will wither doesn't she look sad! Doesn't great problem to certain indi- out of existence, and no-one she know that blue eye- viduals. Just imagine you're else in the future will be able shadow went out of fashion trying to get to sleep and the to enjoy them. years ago?' Unquote. Well, person upstairs sounds like yes dearie, it probably went she is dragging dead bodies When asked, several people out of fashion in the 1970's! across the floor, in time with said that the reason they Which is probably why we the regular thump of a bass Union News

Fire Brigade Visit Guests on Fridays? Back to the 50s? Club Committee, which discusses trading policy within Union A recent inspection of Union The new bar area looks set to House by the fire brigade to House, will discuss the re-introduction of guests on Friday nights at its next meeting on Wednesday. have a 50s feel to it following approve the new fire limit on discussion at the last Club the building once the exten- The guest register was suspended for Friday nights last year Committee meeting. There sion has opened has resulted after a queue of 400 students collapsed into a near-riot whilst were two proposais brought in a number of requirements there were abnost 300 guests in the building. At first an attempi forward, the first being a "Pi- being placed on the. Union was made to limit guests to one-per-member, but when this ano Bar" theme, and the sec- management. exaggerated the problem because the queue was slowed down ond that of a 1950s approach as guests were checked off the lists, the absolute décision was with memrobilia on the walls Stag Hill residents will no taken with the condition that there would be a review when the etc. A name has not yet been doubt be delighted to hear new extension was opened. decided, so suggestions that double-glazing will now would be grateflilly received. be fitted to the windows There are other issues which need to be considered in conjunc- Until then, it remains, "the along the dancefloor so as to tion with this décision, such as how to ensure the queues are new bit"! fire-proof them because of kept to a minimum and whether improvements can be made to their proximity to the new the procedure of actually signing in guests on that day. fu-e exit. This will undoub- tably result in less noise pol- Your comments and suggestions on this subject would be National lution for them. There are, welcomed. Please contact the Président onX9227 (Esternai: however, stili some worries 259227), via thepigeonhoie, on email suslsb, or pop down to Conference about the temperature in the the offices. building on busy nights, USSU has submitted two which is already being amendments to the policys closely monitored. Opportunìties Use your vote! that will be discussed at Na- tional Conference at Easter, In case you had not noticed, The second condition im- Calore both relating to nursing and the students' union is cur- posed was the removal ofthe midwifery students. A A big thanks to the former rently running élections for plastic bins because of stu- number of Colleges from Treasurer, Wilf, ex-Stage next year's sabbatical offi- dents observed using them as around the UK have already Manager and Sally Kent- cers, the delegates for this ashtrays. The Union pur- stated that they would be field, ex-Intemal Affairs Of- year's NUS conference at chased more bins last semes- Willing to support these ficer who have now ali Easter, and a referendum on ter, and they are actually amendments, so the Union is resigned due to time con- NUS affiliation. Voting is metal containers. fairly confident that the is- straints upon them. Their every day next week - see sues contained will be dis- Otherwise, there were no se- work was greatly appreci- posters for détails of timing - cussed. rious problems, so Union ated by the students, socie- and is very easy to do. House (not including Chan- ties and clubs they deak with cellors) will soon have a fire as well as by the rest of the certificate for 1500 people. Executive Committee. Dates For Your Diary These positions now need to be fiiled, along with a few Week 5 others. No experience is Monday evening: Wessex Area Council in Poilìng Station needed with any of these po- Reading. Contact the President sitions - just enthusiasm and The Borough Council's Po!- an interest - and training will Tuesday 6 p.m.: Sports Standing Commit- icy and Resource Committee be provided. Please see the tee requested more time before Président for further détails. discussing whether the Uni- Wednesday 1 p.m.: Club Committee, Grant versity should become a Positions Vacant: Extemal separate polling district Affairs Oñicer(mainly deal- Mitchell Room, SU thereby able to have its own ing with NUS and national Thursday 6 p.m.: Union Executive Commit- polling station. This would campaigns); Internai Affairs allow those students regis- Officer (dealing with soci- tee, Grant Mitchell Room, SU tered as living on site to vote ties and clubs); Treasurer Friday 1 p.m.: Student Affairs Committee, without the leaving the cam- (looking after the pennies pus! The Students' Union and advising clubs and soci- Grant Mitchell Room, SU have worked with the Uni- ties); General Secretary (co- The next GENERAL MEETING is in Week 6 versity to put forward this re- ordinating the work of the quest as part of the "Rock the Union officiais); Bare Facts (18th Feb) at 1 p.m. - hopefully In "the new Vote" campaign, aimed at Secretary; Women's Offi- bit" encouraging more young cer; Entertainment's Chair- people to register and use Comina soon... person. their vote. The P&R will Postgraciuate Association Presenta - The meet again in February Cari Cookson aka Cooky has First Social Meeting of The Year where this item will appear made a return as Stage Man- on the agenda, and USSU ager, be it only for a few Monday 17th February 5-9pm at Wates will be trying to contact the weeks until someone else House members of the committee can take over. He was unan- beforehand to discuss the imously elected at the Gen- Look out for mailings arriving in your de- reasons for the request. eral Meeting on Tuesday. partment News

Pepsi Co. Agree to Doing Well at Selection Move Out of Burma Last week Pepsi Co. finally agreed to pull out of Burma. Centres They have stopped opera- tions in their plants and wtU 2 Personality and Ability Tests close tfie factories by May 1997. ITiis marks the end to a ^eat success in the cam- thing. Not all of the tests derstand what you are asked paign that has been active ou know the since October 1996. Third feeling well. which employers use are to do. Make the most of this taken under exam conditions. opportunity to ask questions Worid First and NUS have YYou've just sat Some tests are designed to while you can. Once the test been campaigning vocifer- down to take an exam. measure different aspects of starts it's out of the question! ously for Pepsi to pull out of There's nothing you can your personality such as your You'll have practice exam- Burma, due to tìieir atro- do now. The invigilator is sociabiiity or your assertive- ples to try. Don't worry about cious human rights record, and the lack of democracy jusi about lo hand out ness. These are not usually holding everyone up if you timed and there are no right fmd these difficult. It is vital in the country. Burma is papers. The adrenalin answers. It is best to answer you get the gist of what is currently under military starts flowing. What if these as honestly as you can required before the real ques- dictatorship, and the demo- you can't answer any of and not try to give the answers tions start. Thereafter, aim to cratically elected leader of the questions? What will which you think the employ- work - quickly and accu- the counùy, who won by a you do if you blow it? As ers want you to give. rately. Some tests start easily vast majority has been put and lull you into a false sense under house arrest. if it wasn't enough to Now we come to the kinds of of security. Don't be fooled! have to go through this tests which are timed. These They often get more difficult NUS have been involved trauma time after time at are usually called aptitude as the test proceeds and you because NUS Services Ltd school and at University, tests and have a different pur- realise you don't have as have a major contract with you've just heard that pose. They are used to meas- much time as you thought. Pepsi Co. to supply Pepsi to you've been invited to a ure your ability in some area. a!l Student Union Bars, ours selection centre which For example, how good are Finally, as I said last week, try is no exeception. Through you at working with figures, to stay caim even if you think pressure from Student Un- will include that dreaded can you recognise patterns, you've done badly. Tests only ions all over the country word once again - tests. are you good at reasoning form part of the selection lobbying NUS Services Ltd Yes, employers are increas- with words, and so on. The process and you can aim to to seek ways to pull out of ingly using them to try to key to doing well in these is improve your overall per- the contract, they went into measure what people are re- to take full advantage of the formance through doing well negotiations with Pepsi Co. ally like. But let me first put preparation time. When the in other exercises. which has brought about instructions are read out to your mind at rest over one Russ Clark this dramatic turnaround by you, make quite sure you un- Careers Service Pepsi.

A Vision for Guildford

Last weekend 1 was invited to groups and report back to the participate in a local confer- group on each different task. ence working towards a. vi- I think the most entertaining sion for Guildford in the part was putting together Sfbe cgirlie Show future. The conference was creative presentations for our

Thanks RAG! Surrey/USA SURREY/USA EXCHANGES A bit hand to RAG Exchanges 1997-98 for a wonderful Anyone who missed the week of fun and frol- General Information meet- ics! Well done guys ing on January 22nd is wel- come to come to the follow and gats! up on WEDNESDAY 12th Application forms FEBRUARY at 2.00 p.m., LTh B. and further information on Find out about the applica- Have your say! tion procedures for Univer- sity of Maryland, University There are still places on Club of North Texas, Michigan MSU UMD UNT Committee which are open State University, University to ail students. Club debates of Nevada Las Vegas and CSM UNLV the trading policy and related Colorado School of Mines. issues within Union House. Meet the students who have There is no need of experi- been to or come from the ence, just a willingness to USA - they will tell it as it is! on make an active input through constructive discussion in CLOSING DATE FOR the meeting and keeping an ALL USA EXCHANGE Wednesday 12th February '91 ear out for student comments APPLIC ATIONS:- I and suggestions. Further in- WEDNESDAY 12th • formation is available from MARCH 1997. You have j the Président. The next meet- exactly one month to get or- 2.00 p.m. LThB ing of Club is on Wednesday ganised! 12th February at 1 p.m. in the Grant Mitchell Committee Further information avail- able from Margaret West- Further info: Room. Everyone is welcome to attend as observers if you wood, International Office contact Margaret Westwood, ext 9177 do not want to actually join (ext. 9177, or e-mail: or email - m.westwood @ surrey.ac.uk the committee. [email protected] ). Advertisement University of Surrey Annual Concert at Guildford Cathedral by kind permission of the Dean & Chapter

Magnificent music in the imposing setting of Guildford Cathedral

Saturday 15 February at 7.30 pm

University Symphony Orchestra and the combined choirs of the University and Roehampton Institute with Barnet Choral Society

Holst The Hymn of Jesus Elgar Sea Pictures Walton Belshazzar's Feast Conductors Sebastian Forbes, Colin Durrant

Admission by programme £8, £5 (students) available at the door, or in advance from the Music Department: 01483 259317 Bare Spot Escorts - Easy Money or Dead Money By LizM

icture the scene: I didn't want to pull informa- interview, she passed me on to escort, he was asked how he you're alone, you tion from magazines or books her colieague called Alan. had gotten hold of that about this subject so I decided Alan was very nice, very number, told they were not in Pare desperately in to try and do some research on soflly spoken with a fatherly the business of supplying es- debt, you can't afford my own. 1 scoured the Lon- type voice - the most reassur- corts and then hung up. Inter- your rent or even to eat don free magazines and news- ing. Alan asked me more esting. and you're near breaking papers for companies questions about myself - my advertising for "escorts". hobbies, what 1 liked to eat. Since that call I have a shudder point. You search the What I discovered scared the He told me that he is very pro- down my spine everytime 1 newspapers for a job but life out of me. Small, insig- tective of his "girls". I asked think of this. Had 1 gone (as there aren't any and nificant adverts were printed when he would like to see me no doubt endless desperate suddenly you see a small with îittle narrative, a télé- for an interview and he said girls had) I could have been drugged and raped - after ali, advert stating: phoné number but no address. that night. 1 asked for the ad- Pair enough, so they don't dress but then he stopped me. no-one knew where I was or "Male/Female Escorts want every Tom, Dick and He told me that they have a with whom. They could have Requíred - Top Rates Harry tuming up - or so I special way of doing things. I held me captive and taken por- Paid". You look in the thought. I decided to change was to get the tube to Beisize nographie photographs of me as bribery to make me do what mirror and you decide my name and profession and Park on my own and call their call a few. The first one I number again from there and they wished. Or then again I you're presentable. You called (according to the télé- they would send somebody to could have been sold to a for- pick up the teiephone and phoné number) was based in get me. I asked why I couldn't ei^ country for "body parts" cali the advertised Notting Hill. A well-spoken take a fnend and was told that or just continually abused and number. STOP. This is gentleman answered the télé- they didn't have the space. I fmally murdered. This is a re- ality. Over ten thousand peo- where the nightmare phoné. I told him my name, hung up. On a himch, 1 got a my âge and what I did for a maie friend of mine to call the ple mysteriously disappear begins for thousands of living. He asked me where 1 number and ask for an escort each year...I wonder how students across the lived and for my home télé- to see how they "protected" many went for an "interview" country. In 1994 over phoné nimiber (I lied). On re- their "girls". On asking for an with the likes of Alan. 6,000 students decided ceiving this information, he asked me a bit about myself - UNIVERSITY OFSURREY that being an "escort" my height, my hair colour, my was an easy way to eam "vital statistics". I told him desperately needed and he sounded pleased. I CALLING ALL FIRST AND SECOND money al what t.hey chose this opportunity to ask a YEARS thought was at little or no few questions such as who were his clients; "Very re- cost to themselves. spectable forçign business- men" was the answer. I asked IF YOU THINK YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN "An Escort" can be defined as how I got paid; "On the com- A CAREER WITH a companion - a PLATONIC pletion of a successfiil transac- companion in return for tion I will pay you cash". I THE ROYAL NAVY money. Escorts are presented asked him to assure me that there was no sex involved - he AND/OR as being good-looking, THE ROYAL AIR FORCE charming and inteliigent com- answered; "my dear, in this panions. How hard could it business there is always that be? You dress up, you go out little bit extra - don't be YOU CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR AN for dinner (paid for) you sit fooled. If you are looking for INFORMAL CHAT WITH THE and talk to somebody for a few simple escort work I am afraid UNIVERSITY LIAISON OFFICERS WHEN THEY hours (you may even enjoy to tell you that no such thing VISIT US ON yourself) you receive your exists. You Sound like a nice money and you go home. girl, take my advice and stay THURSDAY6FEB - ROYAL NAVY Simple? Not quite. Stories out of this game." Easy have emerged of students be- money or Sex money? FRIDAY IO FEB - ROYAL AIR FORCE ing raped, abused, even mur- dered as a result of this "easy money". Why? Because they Another call was to an Call inio the Careers Service(next io the Accommodation don't realise they are little fish "agency" in Beisize Park. A Office) as soon as possible to see in a world full of sharks. well-spoken woman answered Nadine Hunter who will be able Sharks that bite and sharks that the teiephone and gave me the to arrange a time for you kill. same initial questioning. When she decided that 1 was good enough to be seen for an -CAREERS SERVICE Single Reviews

SINGLIÜS OF TUli: the excellent 'Even Better TIGER - On The variations, this is a pretty in- Than The Real Thing'. fectious little tune. James. M'ilìlìi Oliveira. Rose (Island) TJ.REHMI - The After the bland, unoriginal, Fueionist (Nation Britrock of'My Puppet Pa!', 5PACE - Dark J0CA5TA - Go Tiger return with tìiis re-re- Clouds (Gut) Recorde) (Epic) corded cut from 'We Are Puppets'. Although, still a lit- Cool blend of soft rock-pop If the world was fair this tle lacking in the vocal stakes, would be No. 1 for a year. An Soaring guitar pop from one with a Latin background... of the best acts around. Al- this has an exciting retro gui- check out the Mexican trum- incredible fusion (hooray!) of tar lick, and ftises U2 and The ambient drum and bass, tribal ready on the radio so buy it pets in the first track! ! A bril- and make it the hit they de- Wannadies to great effect. liant single. Oliveira drumming, bhangra and even One hell of an improvement. folk music, so complex and serve. Rob. ••••••• James. brilliant it has to be heard to •••••••• be believed. Yummy. Al. THE ALOOF- Wish NO DOU^T - Don't DAFT PUNK- Da You Were 5peak (MCA) Here...(Eastwest) THE 3EEKEEPER5 - Funk (Virgin) An acoustic-guitar driven 80s Do You 3ehave Like No, not a Pink Floyd cover, style power ballad. With an Hailed as THE dance act of rather imagine the Specials That At Home excellent female singer, this 1997, this is the first major and Portishead getting pissed is very infectious and radio- label release from Daft Punk. (Deggars Banc^uet) and deciding to make a record friendly, which probably ex- Quite simply electro for the the next day when they're Brilliant! Up beat power-pop plains why it's been a huge '90's, this should remind you hungover. CD 1 gives you from the Derby based five world-wide hit. Knowing the of being out on the lino with five versions of this atmos- piece. Melody and energy UK's record-buying public your mates, practising wind- pheric single, with the album creates a iireai record. Rob. though (students excused), it mills and headspins. But the mix being the best, whilst CD will probably flop. James. trick is they've made such a 2 provides a showcase of the •••••••• Lee quality sound. band's live act, which isn't bad either. Lee U2 - Discotheq^ue ••••••• (Island) EEL5 - Novocaine For The 5oul MAN6UN-6he U2 are back in stunning form! Makes My Nose BENNET- Mum's After a 3 year gap (since (Dreamworks) Bleed (Parlophone) Gone To \ce\aY\à Zooropa) in which they ha- Pop-tinged lo-fi from Califor- ven't produced much its great nia. Trippy in a Beck-style. Currently on tour in the U.K. {KoadR^umer) to see they can still produce Most Enjoyable. Rob. (supporting Suede), this is the excellent music. The singles •••••••• Not many records are inspired latest release from Mansun. by a TV supermarket adver- two tracks 'Discotheque' and Whilst not as immediate as 'Holy Joe' are similar to tising campaign. 'Mum's 'Stripper Vicar' or 'Wide Gone To Iceland' is about fish 'Achtung Baby' tracks, Open Space' this continues in fingers, frozen prawns and though tiiey have a more the same vein with big guitars strawberry gateaux, not that disco rhythm to them... like and big orchestrations, and cold and isolated weird island bodes well for their debut al- in the North Atlantic. As pop bum. Lee. songs go this is bubbly and bright, with an annoyingly catchy chorus, a cross be- 5UBCIRCU5-Ö6'd tween Supergrass, Dodgy and Russ Abbott if you will. The (Echo) comedy factor makes this a better single than it probably Soft and melodic rock... re- is, althou^ the people at Ice- m inded me loads of the excel- land might not agree. Num- lent 'Nothing Man' by Pearl nuts. Jam. Definitely worth a lis- ten... or two!!!. Oliveira

SOURCE DIRECT - Black Domina COMET GAIN- (Science) Strength (Wiija) Sinister and exciting drum A weird pop ditty this, with and bass from the up and enough parts to fit in pieces of coming Source Direct, a gor- 80s pop, 60s soul, guitars and geous mish-mash of sounds and a bassline to die for. Al. some Latin American brass. •••••• V2 - Discotheque The lyrics aren't great but, with the number of pleasant

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THE SEARCH IS ON FOR BRITAIN'S .BRIGHTEST NEW COMEDY STA If you thinkyou've got what it takes to stand up and be funny cali 0171 432 3230 to register your entry in The Daily Telegraph Open Mie Award or fili out the form overleaf and sene it to: PO Box 13048, London WC2H 7BH. You couid win £1000 plus a booking on The Newcastle Brown Ale National Comedy Network, following in the footsteps of Jenny Eclair, Harry Hill, and Fist of Fun's ^tewart Lee and Richard Herring.

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ON YOUR WAYTO COMEDY STARDOM! ilht í3ailB S^rlcßraph In 1997 the third annua! Oai^elegraph Open Mie Award will run at 50 canuses across the country. The best 450 entrants will be given a chance to perform a five minute open DPEI\I spot at their nearest Newcastle Brown Ale National Comedy Network Venue*. Those who make it through the regional semi-finals will enjoy an all expenses paid trip to the Edinburgh Festival for the Grand Final. The winner, chosen by a celebrity panel, will receive £1000 plus a booking on the Newcastle Brown Ale National Comedy Network.

To enter or for more information, simply complete the form below and send it to: The Daily Telegraph Open Mie Award, PO Box 13048, London WC2H 7BH or for further information AWARD take a look at the electronic telegraph http://www.telegraph.co.uk/ *StibiecttoavailabÌlity RULES OF ENTRY FOR THE DAILY TELEGRAPH OPEN MIC AWARD

1. The compétition is open to ali UK re$idents aged 16 or over wtw have not t>een previously paid for a stand up comedy gig. excludiog empioyees at Ttu lelesr^ Group Ltd. or Avalon PaMmtions, th^r agents or familles. 2. The open spot should not aceed 5 minutes and the material used must be the originai work of the entrant, Entrants will receiw no pa^i^for lh^r open s(Kit. 3. Whiist every effort will be madeto make availablethe most convenient venue for the open spot, this cannot be guaranteed and Hrants must cover ^elfovm travelling expenses uniess previously agreed, Every effort will be made to contact ali competitors as soon as possible with the results after the open spot. 4. The winner will be announced at the 1997 Edinburgh Festival Fringe. TItejudges décision is linai and no correspondenée-will be entewi into. 5. The winner of The Daily Telegraph Open Mie Award should be available fw Publicity purposes, Parts or ali of the fegiofta) rmals/Gramt Final msy be recorded for rwfio or television broadcast without payment to the competitors. The broadcaster will have sole right to broadcast these recordings for the period of one year from the publication of the results of the doffijwtítúin. 6. By taking partinlìie Daily Telegraph Open Mie Award it is understood that you have read and agree tocomply«^ the iute«fMtif-

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£5/£7.50 Album Reviews

3LUR- 31ur(Food) ALBUM OF 1 Dlü WIÜKK The last shot fired, the battle won, the glorious spoils to the victors and what of the con- curred Blur? Well they THE EGG - Albumen quickly scurried off into to (Indochina) some dark and distance comer to lick their wounds and plan Oh yes! A good start to the their revenge. But vvhat of year. Quaiity stuff from this? A change of tactics! No new(ish) band The Egg, an longer a fiill-on charge into the eclectic blend of jazz, funk face of so called 'Britpop' but and dance (in places). This is a cunning attack down the a highly excellent experience flanks, a new approach, fresh that gets better every time you ideas perhaps? So sees the hear it, no matter what mental fifth and eagerly awaited self State you Ve in. Mellow and titled album 'Blur' emerge smooth this is defínitely a CD from those one time bastions for some serious XmasMark. of pop. Gone have the brass sections, the eccentric English characters and the ever so pris- tine production, instead influ- ences from the likes of thy Blues/Funk/Rock progres- nitely worth your money!! Pavement and Beck culminate sion from the Black Crowes, if The main difference between COMPETITION - to yield an album of what can ever there was one. If you this band and similar ones like Win a Daft Punk only be described as experi- liked 'Place Your Hands' or 'Tortoise' 'Ui', 'Run On' is mentalist and very alternative. 'Come Back Brighter' this is a that these guys most defínitely stencjlling kit or The recent chart number one CD Worth investing in. As add a rocky element to their poster. How did 'Beetlebum' is by far the most well as the toe-tapping, en- art-work. I found some of the Daft Punk get their commercial song on the al- ergy-charged tracks, Reef are initial tracks very similar to name? Answers to bum, and the other 13 tracks more than capable of pulling Satriani's slow tracks on 'The Bare Facts. range from the bitter sweet of off slower ones, which take Extremist'... (Q- Who the hell 'On Your Own' to the de- the forra of Lenny Kravitz is Joe Satriani? ... A- The ranged 'Essex Dogs'. Have style ballads, (although the greatest rock guitarist of ali Blur gambled that their army falsetto voice that Gary time!!!) Oliveira. INCUeUS - Enjoy of fans will follow suit in this Stringer favours for such num- change of direction or do they bers grates after a while). The Incubus (Sony) just not give a shit? Let the only criticism I have is that the basic song formula is slightly DAFTPUNR- This CD really isn't as dubious battle recommence. Mad for as it looks, but I suspect I'm it! Numnuts. ovemsed-but hell, that's pe- Homework (Virgin) dantic foryou. Vicki. probably onto a loser trying to The new album from Daft promote arap-metal álbum. At Punk is a culmination of 'gui- their most accessible, Incubus tar-techno acid house fìmk' (if sound like a combination of PAVEMENT- MAKE UP - After the record company are to be the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Brighten the be lie ved) which does work Faith No More and Freak- Dark (Diechord) surprisingly well. The conti- power ('You Will Be A Hot Corners (Pomino) Dancer'), at their least, like a My first album of the year, and nental based band have man- aged to achieve an unusually combination of Rage Against It's 1997 and Pavement are thank God, a good one! The originai sound, with obvious the Machine and Helmet viewed in a new light, the band previous album by this fiinky- influences ranging from the ('Shaft'- not for the faint that Blur have claimed as a rock band received a fair dose likes of Jimi Hendrix to the hearted). major influence on the sound of criticai acclaim,.and bythe Chemical Brothers. Their of the 'Blur' album. In this looks of things, this live piece European background pre- The last two tracks on the ál- light Pavement deliver a is not going to be outdone by sents US with a fresh and much bum are probably the easiest mighty fine album indeed. The its predecessor. What really needed new face to the modem on the ear and arguably the songs are more immediate stands out of this album is the dance music scene. The album most refreshing-entertaining than those on their previous singer: what a showman!! is packed full of class tunes, fiinky-Acid Jazz in place of album 'Wowee Zowee' and Managed to get me laughing ranging from hard stomping cmnchy metal. However, with where in the past they have quite a few times!! Should do bass fed tracks to more up-lift- only 6 tracks to the CD, there's often been compared to the quite well on the independen! ing piano chorused songs and really little chance of gétting Fall, this time the more obvi- scene. Oliveira. has enough depth and variety bored. Vicki. ous influences are Lou Reed ••••••• to make you search for more. and Bob Dylan in places! This Maybe this is the road that album along with 'Blur' and dance music will travel down the Eels album should see Io-fi TRANS AM - V/A - 3eav\e and in the future or maybe it's just at the forefront this year. Rob. Surrender To The another hyped-up release. Butt-head Do Ni^ht (City Slan^) Numnuts. America (Geffen) Subtle ambience jazzy music REEF - Glow (Sony) A variety of MTV-types blended in with some cool, bookended by two highly By ali accounts this is a crack- melodious rocky tunes... this amusing pastiches. The álbum ing album. A thoroughly wor- instrumentai album is defì- o Live Reviews BUSH, Portsmouth Pyramids Centre 31/1/97 ush, a band Their live show suggeststhat known more for Bush is just a vehicle for frontman GavinRossdale, the Btheir success in rest of the band are fairly rao- the States than here, tionless on stage and tend to begin their world tour fade into the back^ound, yet proper with a sold out Gavin although fairly incom- municative works the crowd show on a cold windy weil, the girls scream at every night in Portsmouth. move he makes. During the They have often been future single 'Greedy Fly' criticised for their sonic G wen Stefani from No Doubt similarity to Nirvana and stands next to me filming the band and particularly Gavin Pearl Jam. on a camcorder, this is fol- lowed by the best track on the Bush stroll on to the stage and new album 'Cold Conta- are welcomed as heroes, I gions'. 'Glycerine' is per- have not seen a band get this formed solo by Gavin, his sort of reception for years, voice sounds excellent. There they have a top 5 album and are some noticeable riffs that are obviously moving a long sound a Uttle like Nirvana or way to becoming accepted on the Pixies to be more honest, a much greater level in the and at times Gavin's voice is UK. 'Personal Holloway' similar to Eddie Vedder's, al- starts proceedings as it does though Bush live certainly on tlic cuiTcnt kazorblade don't have the passion of Suilcase album., ihis is rap- those bands, 'Machine Head' idly tollowed by their US • ends the main set to another breakthrough track 'Every- bout of fliiious crowd sxirfîng. thing Zen' and the crowd Overall a good show with a substance. I can't help think- goes completely wild... the The encore ends with my fa- great sound which I would ing that Bush are lucky to be stage front bouncers having vorite from 'Sixteen Stone', say was far more similar the multi-million sellers they difficulty coping with the 'Little Things' whichhasper- overall to Radiohead than are, but they are at least pro- crowd surfers. haps the dosest Nirvana Nirvana, as are some of the gressing and developing tiieir sound of any Bush song. newer songs in style if not own identity. NME BRAT BUS TOUR 3 Colours Red, Symposium, Tiger and Geneva The principle behind the 'Nerve Gas' and 'Pure' hard They are a révélation and are It can only be downhill from NME Brat Bus tour is a good rock come punk numbers that the outstanding, by a long here on in, and indeed Tiger one; take four bands from dif- baffle a lot of the crowd. way, band of Üie night, de- bring the atmosphère down férent sptheres of the current However, th^^ seem to be go- spite ail being just out of with a crash. Maybe it is their "alternative" music scene and ing through the motions school. Pop-punk in a Ash- lack of any real songs or the put them out on a two week somewhat, though they are with-more-fun way. Great fact that they are off their tour which promûtes both much better than at their own songs, heaps of energy, the faces that lets them down. themselves and the NME by shows late last year, maybe it ability to entertain, with them Their synth-noise appeals to association. On entering the is the challenge of playinig to ail bouncing around the stage their section of the crowd and venue it is pretty obvious that a mixed crowd? The high- and singer Ross Cummins even they seem less than sat- there are four différent groups lights, as ever, are 'Sunny In regulär dives into the crowd. isfied, only guitarist Julie of fans here, one for each England' and 'Copper Girl', 'Drink The Sunshine' is bril- Sims seem to make any effort band, and in the main as the the best songs they have and liant as is 'Disappear'. Their at a show, vety disappointing. evening progresses the they really should be the sin- fans go completely nuts, and groups alternate to the front to gles. Unlike '60 Mile Smile', they are the only band of the Geneva bring the maturer support "their" band and to which will be the next single four to draw other people into section of the crowd forward the back to stand and talk dur- and is the weakest song in the the enjoyment. They realiy for their adult-oriented-indie, ing the other bands. Not quite set. I hope they continue to should have headlined. The the singer has a great voice the desired crossover that is improve and get back to being night was theirs for the tak- but the songs failed to grab the desired effect of this tour. the firecracker of a band that ing, and take it they certainly me. destroyed ail before it a year did and the punked-up 'Hard Overall a great start to the It is ironie that the most suc- ago. Days Night' was the killer evening was let down at the blow. I haven't enjoyed a cessful act of the four, 3 Col- end. Symposium certainly band l'd not seen before this ours Red, kick proceedings Symposium were the only made many new fans, the much in years. off, but I guess the order was band that I knew little about, other bands probably not decided before the tour apart from a track on "The started. They slam in to Evening Session" last year. Crossword

Crossword Across 6. Consume (3) I. A Derby borse, forexample 7. Darkish (5) (5) 12. Amuse (9) 4. Go down (7) 14. Gather together (7) 8. A weapon (3) 16. Painter's board (7) 9. Inflammation of a joini (9) 17. Perplex (6) 10. Annoys (7) 18. Custom (5) II. Hostile person or people 20. Chief citizen (5) (5) 22. A small extremity (3) 13. Royal personage(6) Last weeks solution 15. Part ofashoe (6) Across: 1. liberate 5. miss 9. 18. Place offering accommo- meiry 10. relieve 11. sullen dation (5) 12. acted 14. school 16. recali 19. Naval VIP (7) 19. exalt21. excess 24. instant 21. Winged msect(9) 25. whole 26. kiss 27. fearless 23. Perform (3) Down: 1. lump 2. borough 3. 24. A firame used for support royal 4. throng 6. inept 7. (7) speedily S.oldage 13.asterisk 25. Wash in clean water (5) 15. outlay 17. assuage 18. set- Down tle 20. assess 22. cower 23. 1.Motorist's aid(4-3) mess 2. Expression of dissatisfac- tion (9) Compiled by Jeff 3. Quantities of paper (5) Blackham 4. Loathe (6) 5. Performer of Operations (7)

The The win- BARE SIDE ners of the Introspec- Too mxCH G-LyCEß\ME. DfìVE? tive of House Tri- ple CD are:

James Bar- wood Becky Chan- dler Suzanne Scott and Andrew Kitney Come on down to the Bare KEVIN LOSES ANOTHER LAB PARTNER JP Facts Office in the S.U. and collect your prize! Reviews Quadrophenìa rguably one of the better films Aever to see the light of day, Quadrophenìa gl amori ses the legendary antagonism and battles between Mods and Rockers. Franc Roddara's expose of angst-ridden Mod Jimmy's twisted world is as relevant today as it evér was.

Sandwiched between the post-war euphoria of the fif- ties and widespread drop-out culture of the sixties, Jimmy (cheeky, chiipy Phil Daniels) is just another coniìased teen- ager trying to come to terms desperate need to fit in. His Brighton alleyway as vio- govemment. Young people with the world, helped by his single-minded pursuit of lence reigns aroimd them. are saying that they're bored with things as they are, which gang affiliation and an unrea- Steph (a youthful LesUe Ash) Roger Daltrey (The Who) sonable amount of pill-pop- leads him into a number of is why I think Britpop has recognised sufficient cult ap- happened". Hmmm. An ping. scrapes, lending him a puppy- peal arising from his album of ish charm that fmally wins oblique reference to Phil Today's adolescents will still the same name to finance "Blur" Daniels' ^est appear- hCT over. Cue the infamous Quadrophenìa. Freed from identify witii his feelings of shagging scene in a fictitious ance in the Parklife video. confusion, boredom and the the usuai Hollywood con- straints. Director Roddam ex- Toyah Willcox (one of the plained the universal appeal multitude of stars who burst of the tale. to prominence through the « m fooi lacY NI miì film, including Sting and that "The füm has many things to bloke fi-om 'The Bill') adds we ARe COMDUCTillG A ÌTUDV OM "AÌTHPIA AMD fOO\) say about freedom without her tupenny's-worth, "Frane ALLGRGY IN ADULTV.WC ARG IN NGGD Of HGALTHV experience and responsibil- made us go off with originai feMALG ADULK (WITH NO PGßVONAL AND FAMILY ity. There's only a short time Mods and Rockers to parties HITTORY Œ AHMMA GCZenA, HAV OR ANV in life where you're able to in their houses, to leam how express yourself and find out fOm Of ALLGEGV) A9 CONTßOLl to do the dances and leam who you are.... When you about the drug culture". Nice make any film it should be work if you can get it. "A lot THG 9TUDY INMOWeÇ TH€ fOLLOWING, timeless". He pompously of US were living quite wildly compares his masterpiece to at the time, buming the can- 1. amo OUT A QueniONNAitìe 'Crime and Punishment' , die at both ends". She adds Q, PROMIDINC A ÏÏ1ALL BLOOD 7AnPL€ (5M0 fOR themoral dilemmas expressed slyly, "Lesile Ash hasn't ANALSMÇ Of FOOD ANTIDODI€ì applying to every generation. changed much". [Although î fear I may have quoted here out of context]. PLEAÌG CONTAQ THG KiaOWING \f- IIHTGÜGUGD. So it's not just a riotous romp of a film then? My feeling is that NOOß AINI nOHD mOff "I wanted to say: 'Guys! Re- Quadrophenia is still a pretty PHD ÇTUDGNT lax. We know work is shit and good film, best enjoyed as a

Ranson (15) Shine (12) Wednesday) at 12.30, 3.20, Saturday Morning Friday and Saturday at 12.30, Friday and Saturday at 5.20, 6.00, 8.40 Picture Show 8.00, 10.40 1.40, 3.30, 4.40, 6.30, 7.45, That Thing You Do (PG) Sunday to Thursday at 6.10, Twister (PG) at 10.50 9.30, 10.30 Friday and Saturday at 1.10, 8.45 Alaska (PG)at 10.45 Sunday to Thursday at 1.30, 7.00 2.30,4.30, 5.30,7.45,8.30 Dragonheart (PG) at Extreme Measures (15) Sunday to Thursday at 12.10, 10.55 Evita (PG) Friday and Saturday at 2.00, 5.40 Wind In the Willows (L) 4.45, 7.30. 10.15 Friday and Saturday at 3.00, Matilda (PG) at 10.45A Goofy Movie Sunday to Thursday at (12.15 6.00, 9.00 Friday and Saturday at (10.45 (U) 10.40 not Tuesday), 3.00, 5.45, 8.30 Sunday to Thursday at 2.00, Sat only), 1.15,4.00 All tickets just £1! I! 5.00, 8.00 Sleepers (15) Sunday to Thursday at 12.15, Films For All Flv Away Home (U) Friday and Saturday at 6.20, 2.40 Seasons Ali week at (12.30 not Thurs- 9.40 The Ghost and The Dark- Sunday to Thursday at 5.00, day), 3.10, 5.30, 8.00 ness (15) Wednesday 8.05 Carla's Song (15) Friday and Saturday at 10.25 Brassed Off (15) Friday and Saturday at 3.50, The Frighteners (15) Playing Friday and Saturday at 1.15,3.45,6.15, 8.45 9.40 Fridav and Saturday at 1.10, only 3.55,7.05, 10.15 Sunday to Thursday at 2.35, 101 Dalmations(U) Sunday to Thursday (not 8.05 All week at 12.30,2.50 & Personals

Don*t forget, next week's Valentine Person- • Chris, Damien? Damien, • DODGY BIRD CLUB Chris? Tough choice, but WELCOME THE als l'm confident you'II make DODGY BLOKES TO E-mail barefacts@surrey,ac.uk with your the right decision! THE FOLD STAY DODGY AND KINKY special message • So Emma, is there some- thing you're not telling • MuIIens - life drama no. US? We didn't think the 457: Blown out again! stock. Order now! I!! Tel • Lucy's taking the piss matemity dress was When will I leam? - BIG TIME! 4751 needed just yet! Bunny P '97 • fraggle rocks! • WANTED: TWO CHAR- • Waming - never 'jiggy- • Look out, Look out TER BALL TICKETS. • the three are still jig' with a bouncer, Kalinga's about... Helen, ext.481I alive! ! we will NOT be they're just too big!! • So Diana - where did Rob • Yorkshireman seeks deZtrOyed. • She suck my duck, and I hang his coat? broad shouldered swim- • Noel- What was it- A toss lick her puppy • BEER FARTS SO DOES mer for romantic encoun- or a toast? ters • Wow! That's a big can of ED • they should rename the coke you have!! • My fiiend Posters makes • So, Steve, When are you tune ,one guy,seven girls • Happy birthday to crusty circuit traiing harder than and Cooky going to get a and a few days. baby??? and Arethathatiia! love ali it was • DOUBLE CHINS CLUB the w.f c. xxxxx • Well I guess its "Bon- • Lena, Get Well soon. An- to join mail meSlcb, but ton. -Enough Sympathy...? oniy when he's pissed • eeaehhhhh.it's not fair...i jour" as Dei-Boy would hate you say? • Umminpppahhhhüüüi!!!!! will he stroke you chin!! • Mum, sis-s and sis-k - !!!!!!!!!!! • hallo,ma ñames micheal • She does it straight off the love u load sis r xxx roach clip [OK?] • Elephants are amazing payne...and i'm a nosy • Wanted - a playmate and • Take That Star sacked for • FISH rule the World, but neighbour... partner for Catweazel and • Haven't 1 taught you any- indecent exposure only one is real. Sophie thing Sharen - you never • To the boring fart society - • Praise Tthe Lord! hang your dirty linen in • "r ve just thought of we've run out of Person- • There's a new hairstylist public something!!...A click acti- als, please give us on campus! vated bra strap! ! !" (to be something interesting to SPACEMAN. said with a Michael Calne write about! M+M • try,try and try again.for i • Good old Shazü Give the accent) will succeed. party a glimpse of 'next • Who you gonna call? weeks washing'ü • i would just like to say we • hi HAPPY "NIU YEAR" UNIVERSITY OF SURREY • are considerably riCHER to all SSS members) than you... • Sarah - Nice arse! (So say • We are off to Thorpe securityü) - fellow Park...hoooorah! nurses, see you in the CAREERS INFORMATION FOR WEEK 5. SPRING SEMESTER • Andy, you FUN my wive? loo's next week! ! • Boy meets girl, girl has • Oy! Scruffy dancing PRESENTATIONS boyfriend.. typical queen! For your first time in Bonjanglez, Archers PHILIPS SEMICONDUCTORS • W+W? C+C? What does and Lemonade had a won- it all mean? M+M derfiil effect: Simon could Tucs li February • I am considerably richer not leave his shirt open! at 6.30 pm in Wates House than youow! • Dominic - we miss you - Tor Electronic/Electrica l/Software Engineers • And on the back of their M+M Computer Scicntists, Physicists and Mathematicians car, was a FISH. • To the kinkiest - don't let the barstards get you Refreshments available at the above prescntations. • Pamela Anderson look-a- Please sign up in Carters if you are interested in atteading. like spotted swaying down!!! Happy 20th around Bellfields - but are Birthdat - from the they bosoms or bombs?! Raunch! • "Delicate, but with a fiill LUCENT TECHNOLOGIES • Beware all Civil Engi- Thursday 13 February neers! Mad Welsh Hippy face" sure think James at63Q pm in LT F working her way through • So you won't strip for a the course private party, but you Provides télécommunications systems and solutions • Sorry -1 guess the cottage show your arse to every- Looking for Electronic/Electrical/Mechanical Engineers cheese was a bad idea! ! one at the FNO - cheers Love Rieh xxx Dadx Pkase sign up in Careers if you wish to attend • TTianks for the Marmite • Catwomen - whats for af- girls! ters? - Bunny Paprika '97 • NEW RANGE ofluxury • Oh my god, she's a SOFA's soon to be in WHALE! [OK?] -CAREERS SERVICE Notices

Notices AGMs Bruce Stinson, MA Student at Wimbledon School of Art will Greensoc EGM Contact Catherine on ext present his project: Thursday 20th Feb at 7.30pm 4740 for more détails 'Home împrovements' - an installation in the lecture theatre Teaching Block 20A Badminton AGM concourse at 4.30pm on Tuesday 1 Ith February. Ail students All are welcome, contact Thursday 13th February are welcome to come along and refreshments will be served. Mark on ext 2178 for more 6pm in the Grant Mitchell International Science Writing Compétition détails Room Ladies Hockey AGM For further information Chemistry and Industry magazine has launched its seventh Tuesday 11 th February at 7pm contact Ben on 574678. annual essay compétition for university students in departments Varsity Centre of Chemistry and related subjects. The writer for the best Drama Workshop Society informal essay on recent chemical research and its application Duke of Edinburgh Society AGM for the benefit of society will win £ 1,000 and his/her essay will AGM Tuesday 11 February - LT be published in 'Chemistry and Industry'. Monday 17th February 1997 A 6:00pm The second prize is £500 and there will be up to two runners up at 7pm Mountain Bike AGM prizes of £250 each. The deadline for entries is 18th April 1997. LTB Thursday 13th February For rules and guidelines, see a recent issue of 'Chemistry and Canoe Club 6pm in TB19 Industry', visit the web site at http://ci.mond.org, or write to 1 Ith February at Ipm Please ali try to attend as we Essay Compétition, Chemistry and Industry, 15 Belgrave Grant Mitchell Room need to elect a new comit- Square, London SWIX 8PS. tee Mountaineering Club AGM IA National Assembly Against Racism Wednesday 12th February at Any Problems E-mail Jon 2.30pm down at the wall on [email protected] National Demonstration in support of asylum-seekers in Roch- Archery AGM 11 th Feb ester prison, Saturday 15th February at 2pm outside Rochester Squash AGM 7pm TB12a prison. Friday 14th February at 6pm in order to step up the action in support of the hunger strikers Grant Mitchell Room Running Club Monday detained in Rochester prison a national demostration has been Call 235745 for more mfo lOth February 1997at6pm, called outside the prison. In addition to this national démonstra- Students' Union Upper Women's Waterpolo tion there are regulär weekly protests outside the Home Office Lounge Ring lan on ext. Monday 17th February at 7pm (50 Queen Annes Gate), 5pm to 6.30pm every Wednesday. For 4913 for more détails Grant Mitchell Room fUrther détails of these events ring the National Assembly Against Racism on 0171 247 9907 Splatfest 1; First Contact 08:00 hours. Union foyer Games ranged from simple spite several close calls the massacre with shots fired at 29/2/97 capture the flag to storm the orange team were not pulling anything that moved. Smoke The troops arrive tired, hungry fort. Ammo was spent by the back any points so by the last grenades littered the field (as ready for action(?) looking hundreds, especially in the few games we were 500-300 did bodies) we were cooking like a group of psycho case of "Arctic action man" down. in that game. G.l.Janes. our human machine gun who gave plenty of cover fire for 15:00 hours, still at Belsales Due to a stand off at the end, I 0H:25 hours. Union hill the orange team. We on the The penuhimate game was the oranges got the flag but Last of the stragglers aboard orange team stormed into the chosen to be played in the vil- were held off rather well by we're off. Dave begins to lead taking the first two games lage. It was to be a grab the three lemons so we couldn't wonder whether he does need and winning storm the fort by flag and take it to the opposi- equalize before the whistle a wheelchair after ail or at least a three second advantage. At tion's base game and oranges was blown. The fmal score an ambulance. that point our luck changed, needed the points. Somehow was lemons 600 oranges 475. we had managed to daim back 09:00 hours. Belsales weil we got cocky andlemon ¡6:00 hours, Belsales team pulled back by winning 100 points before this but we We arrive at the drop off point needed to get even. However The day over, our debts paid, in the middle of a farm fîeld in the village and then again our energy gone and some lin- back in the forest. Our 400- things just went to pot, with and start to regroup. Twenty people running out of ammo gering pains from well aimed minutes later after a safety lec- "nil point" lead over the lem- shots to the bum we left Bel- ons dropped to 300-400 and and smoke grenades scattered ture where potential trouble over the village. This did pro- sales with a coo! feeling of makers were identified l'm still confùsed as to why we adrenal rush. The bunny rab- lost 100points...Val? vide a very pretty scene of "Nigel!", our two teams pink and blue haze, despite bits of war went home know- picked and split up into or- this orange team lost. ing that the rematch would be anges and lemons. Moments After a hearty lunch and more soon... ammo being bought, we broke later the two teams split up and One more game to go! This out the smoke grenades. The ... Speaking of which it's vanished into the trees. What time a free for ail, if you got hit lemons were winning the gonna be another ail day happened next can only be de- you weren't out of the game game now, yet the oranges tac- apocalypse on 1/3/97. scribed as WW3 on speedIThe you just ran off and wiped off tics were improving just not first "SPLATFEST' had be- the paint. So long as you had Till then here's paint m yer gun. winning (thanks to much sup- ammo you could come back eye! port fi-om the marshals "your on! This was the best a total performance was crap!"). De- Double Dave 4k» Sport Scummy Baboon eil, what do tion, //"the photo's have been scum is defined as '1. Impu- were witness to the sheer bril- we have for developed. If not, watch this rities that rise to the surface of liance that England are capa- space. I was also promised a a liquid, a fihn of material ble of. Total and utter Wyou this report for the RAG rugby floating on the surface of Champagne Rugby (excuse week? The long awaited match ofthe XV Vs the H Stretch water. 2. people re- me while 1 just wipe the bile report of the Ski Club's & C Dept. I was going to garded as the most worthless from my mouth and take a trip to the tree valley's in write it, but didn't, as l'd part of the population.' thrashing from my Dad for probably mention my three, saying weel done). I could France. Kind of throws yes that's three, tries too 1 would assume that use of haáhour on about our try that ihe whole concept of much. Especially my first such a vernacular is referring wasn't given, and the most student poverty out of the where 1 ran throu^ five men. to the latter and not the for- ridiculous penalty try ever But congrats to the H & C mer définition. This leads me given, and how that would've window, really. But I see to a number of conclusions. that the Chair of said club boys, who weren't as soft as made the score 34:20, and not we thought they'd be and That, in a sport such as foot- 41:13, but 1 won't. Onpaper, has either been caught making a game of it. Good ball there is no respect or mu- on the day and on the pitch with their pants down, or club men! We certainly hope tual admiration for the England were the better team. has developed a taste for too see them involved with opposition, or, that the We just excel when we're on women's footy club in par- free range Bunnies with the Rugby club alot more. As your women. Ha! 1 feel mar- I think we showed, we're nice ticular have no respect or ad- ginally better for that. some flava beans and a boys, really. Just misunder- miration for a side that has nice Chianti. stood, that's ail. beaten them, and feel a par- 1 could twist the knife in the ticular disdain for them be- Welsh contingent by men- cause of that, or, that I am We have the results of the Ladies football have yet tioning another false dawn, again put their maie counter- prepared to waffle on about and saying that Cusack is, in Internationa] Basketball and an;^ing other than the cata- Table Tennis toumaments, parts to shame by giving us an fact, an Irish name, but that article. Although it does clysmic events of Saturday at would only highlight just and weil done to all .con- Twickenham. cemed. We have the Ladies worry me somewhat that how Shite Scotland seem to dainty, refined, English roses be at the moment. But our day hockey, which is extremely Woe is me. I feel embarrassed lucky to be in SEEING AS such as the Ladies Football will come. Eventually. club refer to the opposition as to say that it wasn't even a IT WASN'T TYPED. Yes, good performance by Eng- Anyone who got offended by along with Netball club they 'Scummers'. Now, being a social scientist and employ- land for three quarters of the the 'comic' articles in the seem unable to use a word match. Scotland had the bet- sport pages of Beer Farts, processor. Anymore hand- ing the empirical approach to study a social phenomena, I ter of it for the first half, albeit tough shit. You weren't written reports and they don't by their fingemails. But for wearing a Scotland Rugby get in, l'm afraid. feel suitably qualified to cali this not only grammatically ten minutes of the second half shirt and tartan troosers on incorrect, but also factually it was a close game. But, for Black Saturday. We should also have the those fatefiil 10 minutes, we guess the weighl compéti- incorrect, In the dictionary Ginga

International Basketball Tournament International Table Tennis Tournament Sunday February Sunday February Group A Group B (Winners in bold) Group Position Group Position Quarter Finals Turkish 4 Tamil 4 T. Agelides (CYP) v. M. Virtanen (NOR) Singapore 1 Afi-o-Carib. 3 J. Chang (INT.) v. K.Suthaharan (TAM) Intersoc 2 Cyprus 2 T.Ors (TUR) v. BadruI Amini (MAL) Norsoc 3 Hellenic 1 SaifuI Aznii (MAL) v. G.Stamatiou (HEL)

Senti - Finals Semi-Finals Singapore 0 v. Cyprus 8 T. Agelides (CYP) v. J. Chang (INT.) BadruI Amini (MAL) V. SaifuI Aznii (MAL) Hellenic 10 v. Intersoc 3- Final T. Agelides (CYP) v. BadruI Amini (MAL) Final Congratulations to Theodores Agelides from the Cyprus Hellenic 12 v. Cyprus 7 Society. Congatulations to the Hellenic Society. Weil done to all the teams and their reps, it was a great day's basketball. sport On The Piste? ake your from the establishment when threats started to come from ali sides towards the blokes, T and with the girls having to favourite song, fend off advances from Driv- savour every ers' Comer, especially Frank, note, every bar, every the drivers' mate, who was phrase, capture its true captured on film with our right beauty and emotion, honourable secretary. multiply it by a factor of Our last night saw a meal of 100 and you might come gargantuan proportions, so long as it involved fondue! dose to the sound of ski With only one day's skiing boots clicking into (and sharking) to go, some bindings on fresh, crisp, people donned their fms and alpine snow. Forthose of moved in for the kill. I just you who have shared this hope that our adorable chair- man does not have a pet rabbit experience, read on and and a rather large saucepan! smile; for those of you the middle of a bar making and after a few vin chauds, who have absoluteiy no stupid actions with their everyone feit at home on their With a briUiant week on the hands, interspersed with the two long planks of wood and pistes (whether it be on skis or appreciation for what I Äeme tunes to Hawaii Five O kevlar - weil so long as they backs), and even better après am talking about, read on and the Dambusters could stayed on piste and didn't try ski, leaving was naturally a tad and be enlightened. I am only mean one thing - Surrey to ski blind down a 40 metre disappointing, and it just of course talking about University Ski Club had ar- crevasse. leaves me to pass on a mes- rived. the skiing holiday in Val After showering - or not as the sage from our beloved social sec and say 'I love you ali!' Thorens, part of the After a night of drunken de- case may be - the evenings Three Valleys in France, bauchery, which led our were mostly spent trying to go Welsh contingent to wrap sel- to bars that none of the other at the beginning of lotape around their heads, lose universities were in, after one This is me the right honour- January. the odd toenail and become fateftil night at an inter-uni- able 'fat f**ker' treasurer, After a gruelling twenty hour very tired and emotional, we versity boat race compétition. saying thanks to you ali, and coach joumey, we arrived at awoke the next moming to Great objection seemed to be see you ali on the piste soon! Val Thorens in the late after- shown towards Surrey's glorious sunshine, and our By the way - who's got the noon, unpacked the coach and rather raucous and speedy first day's skiing. Hangovers bunny???????? cracked open the first beers in disappeared instantaneously drinking , with the likes of what was to be our pit for the in the fresh mountain air, and Royal Holloway and Ply- PS Will ali skiers who want next week. One beer led to Surrey hit the slopes of the mouth losing embarrassingly their deposits back please many, and many led to bun- Three Valleys. The cries of to a team, a ihird of which was come to our AGM on 13th nies; a friend to some, a night- "OH F**K! I can't remember made up of two of the fastest February, 5pm, Grant mare to others. A group of how to ski!" rang out across female drinkers l've ever Mitcheli Room. Thanks pissed English students sat in the pistes, but- by lunchtime, seen. A hasty retreat was made

Campusdance iNTERDEPARTMENIf AL SPORT (SPRING TUESDAYS 7.00 - 1997) 8.30 p.m. TBIO UNIVERSITY Over 200 teams have been en- INDIAN DANCE - a very new tered by the different depart- and exciting look at Bharata SPORTS DAY ments and units on campus - Natyam - a form of traditional would you like to play bad- Indian Dance. Alamail Palim Gallina ali Sports Repre- minton, basketball, football, an M. A. dance student teaches sentatives for bo h Depart- table tennis, cricket, korft)all, ler own very innovative tech- ballroom dancing etc. - if se nique mixing Indian with contact your departmenta] Western contemporary dance sports representative immedi- styles. If you don't participate ately to be included in the you are missing out on a fan- :eams. tastic joumey through the ide- POSTPONEDlfrpmHth als of Indian and Western ID SPORT IS FREE WITH A dance. So sign up today at the ÌDOSH or COMBINED Campusport Centre or come CARD - otherwise it's 50p for along and see for yourself students & £1 for staff. Please make sure you bring a change of footwear. Sport University of Surrey Really Fat Bistards Guess the weight of the nine primed athletes above is it— A) Lighter than their opposite numbers in the women's team. B) Two African Bull élé- phants. C) A bhie Whaies left testicle. D) The E.C butter mountain. E) The three Minis from the Italianjob. F) An imperial tonne. G) A Metrie ton. H) Lighter than the amount of shit Steve De-Wint speaks. I). 8 X The weight of Bella Emberg. J) A Union Mini bus. Prize to include - A shower K) A weeks sale of lard from ing that you have given some with the above naked athletes, final and big breasted women Teseo. men the knowiedge a women a snog with your sports offi- (or men as I have snogged has seen their naked flesh. L) Eight fat bastards and me. cer, giving Ginga colonie irri- him and it was not dissapoint- ing girls) are encouraged to gation and best of all a general (compétition oniy open to fe- enter) feeling of well-being know- males and Gingas decision is We Miss You Crusty! Surrey Challenge Surrey Uni Women's FC 0 The Royal Air Force Southamton Institute 3 ednesday cause havoc despite being 29th January only 14 years old (they were Thanks to the latest flu bug exceptionally weil for a first- and t.wo coimty players and, we be- floating around campus, a se- timer - pity her pint downing W lieve, were bred for the event verely depleted wimen's skills leave a lot to be desired ! netball teams sacrafice in test tubes!). footie team set out to defeat The match was followed by their evening at The Ists came on, and de- the mighty, if not fishy scum- the best atmosphère at the Bojanglez to venture mers yet again! In Óie first varsity for a long time - de- spite valiant efforts to dis- half there was little différence spite the sad exposure of into the unknown and creetly 'kneecap' the between the two teams until Kingston's rugby team spotty challenge the Odiham goalshooter, stayed -SuiTey were unlucky to con- hairy bods (is that what màde servicewomen and seven goals behind ail the scdc a chancc goal vvhcn iheir you throw up Eisa?) wives of RAF Odiham, way to the end of the third number 10 had a lucky break, quarter. However, the final making it 0-1 at half time. Fraggle made up for her lack in Hampshire, to a score ended up as an amazing of scoring ability on the pitch 'friendly' match. 45-45 draw (probably ail due Unfortunately Southampton in the imion - her "victim" too to the fantastically talented were the stronger side in the much of a gent to decline. Surrey goal attack!) The 2nds put up a brave fight second half and managed to and thanks to some strong in- slip two further goals past us By the time you read this A good night was had by ail tercepting by Rachel W. And while we failed to m^e the we'U have won the women's and we got to see men in imi- generally good teamwork, most of our chances at the boat race and made the other form with guns! M - Phoarg! they eventually won by 31 to other end. Special mention to women's teams very humble 27. Their opponents at the at- Nicky F Beck, for helping us out at the indeed (alledgely) tacking end managed to last minute and for playing Thumps xxxx