CONTENTS Contents and Staff

Page 3 Race For the Cure Page 4 Business Page 6 Wine Pages 8-9 Dining Pages 10-11 Travel Page 12 Theater Page 14 St. Patrick’s Day Info Page 15 Nightlife Pages 16-17 Music Pages 18-19 Romance Page 20 Mr. Rogers Pages 21-37 Humor Pages 22-23 St. Patrick’s Day Humor Page 38 City Search Page 16 - Mon River Ramblers Page 39 Classifieds

Publisher: Joyce Campisi Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III Production Manager: Rob Hoffman Photographer: Joey Rocket Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber Dennis Kostley Administrative Assistant: Tammie Miller Feature Writers: Paul E. Kimble, Trish Imbrogno,Christopher Harper,

David Mayle, Diane Ference, Nannette Page 8 - Marzoni’s Staropoli, Suz Pisano, John Rauser Page 20 - Mr. Rogers Contributing Writers: Bill Mace Jean Mace, Dottie Wilhelm, Lori Hon, Boris Pekol, Michelle Maggio Webmaster: Benjamin Auman Cover Photography: Provided by Family Communications Distribution Manager: Warren Rudolph Nightwire 622 Second Avenue Pittsburgh, PA. 15219 Phone: 412-755-1055 • Fax: 412-755-1056 Page 16 - Ceann [email protected]/www.nightwire.net

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2 • March 2008 FITNESS Race For The Cure - Spaghetti Warehouse

he Pittsburgh Affiliate of Susan G. Komen for the Cure and wine or domestic beer and bread. The same menu is available TSpaghetti Warehouse in Pittsburgh are teaming up in the without wine or beer for a cost of $15. Tax and fight against breast cancer. gratuity is included. A portion of the The Spaghetti Warehouse Restaurant—located in proceeds will benefit Komen Pittsburgh. the Strip District at 26th & Smallman Streets—will Reservations are required. bake the World’s Largest Lasagna to be unveiled at “Spaghetti Warehouse has developed two the 2008 Komen Pittsburgh Race for creative and easy ways for community the Cure on Sunday, May 11. The members to get involved in the fight 35’ x 35’ culinary giant will weigh against breast cancer,” says Kathy Purcell, 9,850 lbs. and feed 22,000 executive director, Pittsburgh Affiliate of people. Nearly 250 Susan G. Komen for the Cure. “By simply volunteers will dish out $2 purchasing a meal, guests will bring us one step slices on Race day, with proceeds benefiting closer to finding a cure.” Komen Pittsburgh. “Komen Pittsburgh is an essential resource for the local For those who prefer to bulk up on community, and Spaghetti Warehouse is proud to support carbohydrates before the Race, Spaghetti them with the 2008 Pittsburgh Race for the Cure,” says Chris Warehouse will hold a Pre-Race Pasta Beers, Spaghetti Warehouse. Power Kick Off on May 9 and 10 at the Strip For additional details about Spaghetti Warehouse’s World’s District location. For $20, guests can enjoy Largest Lasagna and the Pre-Race Pasta Power Kick Off, call an entrée, salad, soft drink, glass of house 412-261-6511, or log onto www.komenpittsburgh.org.

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March 2008 • 3 BUSINESS 2020 Vision by: Paul E. Kimble

hat will your business look like in the year 2020? for small business exporters to Peru by phasing out existing WWill it exist at all? Have you ever asked yourself tariffs, providing a secure legal framework for investors and these questions? Last month I outlined my reasons for strengthening protection for intellectual property, workers and being bullish on the local economy. This month I’m the environment. In addition, it solidifies the benefits of two- starting a series on emerging trends and the way free trade to both countries. Steve Preston, of the U.S. opportunities they present for business owners. Small Business Administration, praised the passage of this Globalization has already established itself and is one agreement by saying “Small businesses are the engine that trend business owners can no longer afford to ignore. drives our economy. In order to ensure their success, we must Consider this: U.S. exports of goods to the rest of the help them overcome obstacles to growth. Free and fair trade world exceed $1 trillion annually. Small and medium- opens opportunity to small businesses and entrepreneurs by sized companies account for more than one-third of increasing their ability to compete in a global marketplace.”3 U.S. exports. China in particular presents a fantastic Look for similar Free Trade Agreements with Colombia, opportunity to expand overseas. China Panama and South Korea to be approved by Congress this boasts the fourth-largest year. economy in the world, at A downward trend in the value of the U.S $2.26 trillion. While this dollar presents additional incentive to figure is just one- look for overseas customers. Here seventh the size are some examples. Baltimore- of the U.S. based Ellicott Dredge won large economy, contracts in Iraq over several China’s European competitors in large economy is the part due to favorable currency world’s fastest exchange rates. The company growing. does high quality work, but China’s emerging their bids coming in middle class, about 50% lower didn’t dubbed “Chuppies” hurt. Fit Couture, a covet gadgets, Houston-based producer appliances, personal care of exercise clothing, takes products, clothing, and more, advantage of the parity of the and they appreciate the quality of American U.S. dollar with the Canadian consumer goods. dollar, something that hasn’t occurred in According to the Department of Commerce, between more than 30 years. The company expects to to add about 2000 and 2006, U.S. exports of goods to China 1,000 Canadian accounts and an additional 200 from Europe. increased from $16.2 billion to $55.2 billion—an annual Fit Couture produces high quality merchandise and the growth rate of 22.7 percent. U.S. exports to China grew company is confident that once new customers try their more than five times faster than U.S. exports to the rest products, they'll remain customers even if the dollar begins to of the world during that same period.1 Nearly 17,000 make a comeback against other currencies. small and medium-sized companies now export to So what’s your 2020 vision? If you’re not thinking globally, China, more than five times the number exporting to your competitors are. So say “ni hao” (that’s Mandarin for China in 1992. China is now the fourth largest export hello) to the rest of the world and grab a piece of the global market for American Small and medium-sized commerce pie. companies and the fastest-growing major market.2 1 U.S. Department of Commerce, "U.S. Trade in Goods The passage of the Peru Trade Promotion Agreement (Imports, Exports and Balance) by Country last year presents another opportunity to enter the overseas market. More than 81 percent of U.S. 2 U.S. Department of Commerce, "The Role of Small and companies that export to Peru are small or medium- Medium-sized Enterprises in Exports to China: A Statistical sized, accounting for $774 million in exports to Peru in Profile," December 2005, p. 3-4. 2005. This agreement will improve market conditions 3 U.S. Small Business Administration News Release 07-77,

4 • March 2008 Put Your Business on the FastTrac®!

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w ww.f asttra c.org WINE Good Buys On Great Wines

his month we thought we would bring you some great "Rich, ripe-cherry themes in the nose are joined by Twines featured for some great prices. The Pennsylvania suggestions of currants and milk chocolate, and the like- Liquor Control Board State Stores has acquired some fantastic minded flavors that follow show a fine sense of pulpy young wines thru their Chairman's Selection™ program. The wines fruit at their heart. The wine is fairly full and weighty without below are currently available.. becoming heavy, and its modest tannins provide just the right bit of spine. Withal a very appealing Merlot whose many Alderbrook Dry Creek Valley Old Vine Zinfandel Quoted at pieces are seamlessly fit, it will please in the near term but has $21.00*...... Save $10.01 - Now $10.99 enough stuffing to get better with a few years of age."Winery *The Wine Enthusiast 89 points: 'This is one of Alderbrook's Notes "Bright cherry and raspberry pervade this complex more successful wines. It's layered wine. Cinnamon, classic Dry Creek, ripe and clove, leather, cigar box, zesty, with a pleasing balance and chocolate serve as of peppery fruit, alcohol and delicious counterpoints to tannins. Achieves real claret- the red berry fruit. A serious like structure, while never wine with excellent color losing Zin's wild and woolly and firm yet silky tannins." side.' Dec 2005…Wine and www.artesawinery.com Spirits 88 points: 'Light in color, this claret-weight zin is Bodega Norton Privada smoky as grilled sweet 2005 peppers and jammy with fruit. Now $12.99... Regularly Pour it with barbecue.' Feb $24.99 Save $12.00 2006 Winemaker Comments: "Ruby red colour of Artesa Cabernet Sauvignon remarkable intensity. Reserve 2004 2004 Now Excellent aromatic $19.99 ... Quoted at $40 save complexity with notes of $20 ripe fruit, spices and fine From the fantastic cabernet touch of smoke and coffee. vintage of 2004 comes this Unctuous on the palate. gorgeous Napa Cabernet Excellent concentration." Sauvignon. The deep intense color of this wine portends Artesa Chardonnay the pleasure to follow. Intense Reserve 2005 ripe cassis and blackberry Now $15.99 ... fruit is enveloped in roasted Quoted price $30, PLCB coffee, nutmeg, clove, price $15.99 Quoted price cinnamon, vanilla, and $30, PLCB price $15.99 leather. The ample tannins are GOLD MEDAL, 2007 San silky smooth and mouth Francisco CHRONICLE filling, making the wine rich WINE Competition "Rich from start to lingering finish. and vibrant, with nice oak The balance of tannins and and fruit balance, the '05 acid, with the intensely Artesa delivers a power jolt extracted core fruit, will enable Bodega Norton Privada -2005 From Nightwireʼs Private Reserve of delectable flavors; enjoy this wine to last 10 – 20 years. with crusted, herbed pork The PLCB was able to secure this fantastic price by sampling tenderloin." the wine out of barrel and placing our order before the wine WINERY NOTES: "The Reserve Chardonnay from Artesa is the was even bottled – it's that good! Don't miss this delicious result of a barrel-by-barrel selection of the richest, most wine with grilled steaks or sausage with root vegetables and complex lots, the highest expression of the vintage. Gorgeous potatoes, or lamb roasted with herbs or braised in a stew. aromas of ripe pear, citrus zest, baked apple, cinnamon, vanilla, and toasted almonds follow through in the mouth with Artesa Merlot Reserve 2003 89 points in California Grapevine ripe apple, vanilla, and spice with a rich, creamy texture and Now $17.99 ... Quoted at $30 ... Save $12 lively citrus finish." www.artesawinery.com CONNOISSEUR'S GUIDE TO CALIFORNIA WINE 89 points:

6 • March 2008 March 2008 • 7 DINING Marzoni’s by: Suz Pisano

the center & crunchy on the outside. The sweet caramelized onions made me want to go home & make these in my own kitchen. A nice compliment to the beers we were sampling were the Fried Pretzels (($6.95/3) served with Honey Mustard & Nacho Cheese sauces for dipping. I bet most of these are served at the bar because they went great with beer. The next appetizer we shared was the Ahi Tuna ($9.95), a generous portion of sesame seared rare tuna seasoned with pickled ginger, wasabi, soy sauce and spicy plum glaze. This is a nice light bite and definitely a great appetizer to share- the tuna is more like a really rare and tender steak than seared seafood. Patrick, our server, presented us with a beautiful pizza to try. The pizza at Marzoni’s is baked in the brick oven and each one is created by hand with fresh mozzarella, diced ripe tomatoes and chopped basil. Delicious! And with micro-brewed beer double delicious! Marzoni’s offers a choice of white or wheat crust, both made fresh daily plus 10 other choices and a design your own option if you don’t see one to your liking. Now after sampling all of these items, Sean Daugherty the General Manager came out to greet us and told us that we’d be sampling even more dishes! It’s onto dinner entrees….. But first he thought we’d like to try the Crap Dip ($9.95). Creamy and loaded with Blue Crab it’s served with Italian bread. After a few bites of this delicious concoction, we were ready to try some pasta. (Not really….we were getting quite full, ahh… the regrets of a food reviewer!) We were presented with a beautiful plate of Coconut Shrimp and Crab cakes. The shrimp were deep fried, coated with coconut and served with a spicy orange marmalade. The crab cakes were chock full of crab, not a lot of filler. These entrees were condensed on a single plate for us to sample but are both available on the menu separately, Crab Cakes ($12.95 or he Nightwire crew loves discovering new and $17.95). At unique establishments to bring you and this T Marzoni’s month is no exception. We visited Marzoni’s Brick you’ll Oven & Brewing Company on Rt. 8 in Alison Park. often This brew pub offers wonderful pizzas, an find awesome selection of microbrews and quite an extensive menu of soups, appetizers, Italian specialties, steaks, seafood, salads & sandwiches. Let’s get to the good stuff….. Marzoni’s manager, Randy Smith was our gracious host and personally chose the menu items for our dining pleasure. He started us off with Mushroom Asiago Soup ($2.49 cup & $3.95 bowl). It was filled with fresh mushrooms, creamy and nicely accented with the sharpness of the Asiago 2 cheese. Marzoni’s offers different soups of the price day but Wedding Soup & Pasta Fagiole are available options every day. Next we tried a Lemon Basil Chicken on the Salad with Mesclun greens, honey roasted almonds, menu following Feta cheese, homemade croutons and caramelized some of the entrees. red onion marmalade made this salad a favorite at our They offer smaller portion sizes for the lighter appetites- a table. The homemade croutons are a nice touch nice feature when you’re not as hungry. Chef Sean chose 2 created out of their pizza dough; they remain soft in

8 • March 2008 DINING

pasta entrees – Smoked Chicken Ravioli ($10.95) and Cajun Chicken Pasta ($11.95). The Chicken ravioli are topped with fresh spinach, mushrooms, smoked bacon and parmesan cream sauce. The bacon adds a nice touch to this creamy delicious dish. I was glad to take these home for later! The Cajun pasta is a wonderful blend of roasted chicken, sweet sausage and bacon tossed in a spicy gorgonzola cream sauce. This dish offers an option of white or whole wheat pasta. Beware- it’s a rather large portion but great for leftovers! Just when we thought we couldn’t possibly taste one more bite- Randy brought us a gigantic piece of Red Velvet Cake! ($6.50) definitely enough to share. Desserts are Marzoni’s Brick Oven & Brewing Company certainly offered www.marzonis.com Sean Daugherty and Randy Smith and change weekly. If Open Daily 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. this cake is any indication 4643 Route 8 of the quality and presentation Allison Park, PA 15101 of dessert- then save room, you won’t want 412-486-9291 to miss out! Marzoni’s is open daily from 11am to 11pm. The menu is also available for take-out and they have 2 banquet rooms to host your next event. The service is awesome (Thanks to Patrick!), the food is great, and the beers- well you’ll have to try them. With several micro brews on tap, we chose to save that for our next issue so that we could elaborate. Look forward to a beer review by our friend & dining mate Tom Doyle’s write up. Check out Marzoni’s website @ www.marzonis.com. Go there, have a beer & as usual- tell ‘em Nightwire sent you!

March 2008 • 9 TRAVEL Spring Break 2008 by: John Rauser

pring break season is upon us, and $350. Florida is your least expensive Swith average fares for travel in option from the East Coast; tickets to March up 10-12% over last year, here Miami and Orlando can be had for well are some tips you can use to book a under $300. great trip at a reasonable price. From the West coast, a ticket to When to go - Traditionally, schools Hawaii can be had for an average of schedule a week long Spring break in about $470, in sharp contrast with the March. $800 or so it will cost you from East In 2008, most college students will coast origins. From the West coast to take their Spring break in mid-March. Western Mexico, both Cabo San Lucas Travel during these weeks will be the and Puerto Vallarta are reasonable with a most expensive, with prices peaking for typical ticket costing around $375, only travel on Friday March 21. If you aren’t slightly more expensive than the cross tied to a school schedule, I would advise country trip to Florida, which will run you avoiding mid-March. When it comes to about $360. the day of week you fly, travel on Friday, When to buy - Right now is a good time Saturday or Sunday is much more to be booking your Spring break travel. expensive. Traveling on a Tuesday often Prices have been falling in recent days, costs $40-50 less than on the weekend. in particular for itineraries that avoid the If you don’t need to be back at work or most popular travel days of March 14-16 school, a 7-night Tuesday to Tuesday and 21-23. For these peak travel days, trip can be a lot cheaper than the prices are likely to continue upward, so equivalent Saturday trip. buying soon is probably wise. For off- Where to go - Cancun, Mexico is peak travel days you are probably safe extremely popular for Spring Break, and waiting to book your travel, but be sure is among the most expensive of the to book a month in advance, prices are Mexico / Caribbean destinations, with likely to start climbing quickly once typical March departures costing $400 inside 30 days-to-departure. Domestic to $500 from most Northern US cities air travel costs within the US remain (tickets can be had for about $350 from reasonably constant all year, apart from Southern California or Florida). From the the occasional rounds of special fares East coast, a more reasonably priced that arise. destination is Nassau in the Bahamas Air fares can also vary depending on where a typical ticket clocks in at about the day of week you travel and even the

10 • March 2008 time of day you fly. And sometimes the cheap seats on a nonstop flight might sell out more quickly than seats on a route with a change of planes en route. Strategies: Book early if traveling at a popular time of year. Wait until an airfare sale comes along if traveling at any other time; but if none has occurred by 25-30 days prior to travel, buy your tickets anyway at the best fare possible. Choose the days of week you travel on carefully. Not only might there be a surcharge on some days, but some days will have fewer cheap seats on them. Choose the times of day and routing you travel on carefully. Often non-stop flights may have fewer cheap seats, and if you travel at less popular times of day (avoid early morning and late afternoon/early evening) there are sure to be more cheap seats available.

March 2008 • 11 THEATE R Hair Spray - March 18-22 Heinz Hall

t’s time to let your hair down and dance the night overnight, is transformed from outsider to irrepressible teen Iaway! HAIRSPRAY, Broadway’s musical comedy celebrity. But can a plus-size trendsetter in dance and fashion phenomenon that inspired a major motion picture is vanquish the program's reigning princess, win the heart of coming to Heinz Hall as a special performance of the heartthrob Link Larkin, and integrate a television show without PNC Broadway Across America – Pittsburgh series, denting her 'do? Only in HAIRSPRAY! Welcome to the '60s! presented by The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust, Pittsburgh HAIRSPRAY is based on the New Line Cinema film written Symphony and Live Nation. This fantastically fun and directed by John Waters, who served as a creative musical, winner of eight 2003 Tony Awards including consultant on the musical comedy. It features a book by Mark Best Musical, is currently enjoying its 5th record- O’Donnell and Thomas Meehan. HAIRSPRAY features an breaking year on Broadway. And now, the people of original score by Academy Award-nominated Marc Shaiman Pittsburgh will be swept away to 1960s Baltimore in (who co-wrote the music and lyrics for the acclaimed animated this smash hit musical, piled bouffant-high with laughter musical, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut) and lyrics by and romance – and enough deliriously tuneful songs to Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman. This production of fill a nonstop platter party. It’s HAIRSPRAY, live on HAIRSPRAY is based on Jack O’Brien’s original direction and stage in living color! Jerry Mitchell’s original choreography, recreated by Matt Lenz Everyone is raving about this delightful musical, and Danny James Austin, respectively. Scenic design is by including the critics. “A great big fat gorgeous hit,” David Rockwell; the set coordinator is Michael Allen; costume claims Clive Barnes of the New York Post. “Completely design is by William Ivey Long; lighting design is by Kenneth irresistible! Get those tickets now!” declares syndicated Posner and Paul Miller; the sound is by Shannon Slaton; wig columnist, Liz Smith. “So many numbers bring down and hair design is by Paul Huntley; and the musical supervisor the house, it’s a wonder the theater is still standing,” is Lon Hoyt. HAIRSPRAY is produced by NETworks says Jeremy Gerard of New York Magazine. Presentations. In HAIRSPRAY it's 1962—the '50s are out and HAIRSPRAY will play March 18-22, 2008, at Heinz Hall. Tickets change is in the air. Baltimore's Tracy Turnblad, a big are $20.50-$62 and may be purchased by calling (412) 392- girl with big hair and an even bigger heart, has only one 4900. For group sales, phone (412) 392-4819. Tickets may passion—to dance. She wins a spot on the local TV also be purchased at the Box Office at Theater Square or at dance program, "The Corny Collins Show" and, pgharts.org. The HAIRSPRAY web site can be found at www.hairsprayontour.com.

12 • March 2008 March 2008 • 13 INFO St. Patrick’s Day Info

The 2008 Pittsburgh St. Patrick's Day Parade will be celebrated on Saturday, March 15, 2008 - 10:00 AM

held outdoors and features performances by several local Irish performers, including Michael Murphy & the Shannon River Band - a perennial crowd pleaser. In addition, there will be the annual Raising of the Glass, a symbolic Irish toast to the wish for good health and good friends in the year ahead, and St. Brendan's Crossing stepdancers to watch inside the mall area. Mullaney's Harp & Fiddle Irish Pub is one stop that should not be missed. Three entire days of festivities are in store for those celebrating everything Irish. Beginning at 9:00 p.m. on Thursday, March 13th, a production of Finnegan's Wake will be offered. Featuring music and songs by the band Red Hand Paddy, this is an extremely popular and fun show. Mullaney's does not accept reservations and advises that in past years, guests have begun arriving as early as 5:00 p.m. On Friday, March 14th Mullaney's again features Red n memory of an gorta Mor "The great Hunger" in 1847 in Hand Paddy from 11:30 a.m. until 2:00 p.m. For both Saturday IIreland, The Pittsburgh St. Patrick's Day Parade has joined (parade day) and Monday, March 17th (St. Patrick's Day) they with the Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank in have Irish music planned throughout the day: Mark Guiser collecting food for the less fortunate. The Hibernian Hunger from noon to 4:00 p.m.; Whiskey Limerick (formerly known as Project and the Pittsburgh St. Patrick's Day Parade Susko Brothers) from 4:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.; and Red Hand Committee ask you to remember the hungry. Please bring Paddy from 8:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. These groups are all non-perishable items for the Food Bank! Collection sites are playing inside the pub. Outside under the big tent, listeners at Mellon Arena, Mayor Caliguiri statue at the City-County can catch the great tunes of Guaranteed Irish from 7:30 p.m. Building, and by the reviewing stand at the Steelworkers’ until midnight. Building on parade day, Sat, March 15. In addition to the great music, revelers can partake in The purpose of the St. Patrick's Day Parade is to celebrate traditional Irish dances, and eat and drink from the pub's the freedom to be Irish - to enjoy the holiday to its fullest. authentic Irish menu. Mullaney's is located at 2329 Penn Whether or not you're truly of Irish decent, you'll be grandly Avenue in the Strip District, an easy walk from many of the welcomed at any of the Pittsburgh St. Patrick's Day Events. As points on the parade route. the old saying goes, "Everyone's Irish" on St. Paddy's Day, Market Square, located downtown near the buildings of and finding ways to celebrate your newly found heritage are PPG Place, traditionally has been a setting for St. Patrick's pretty easy. Day celebrations as well, with live entertainment, a variety of Celebrations officially kick off on Friday, March 14, 2008 bands, and various vendors, including fun events for children. with the Crowning of Miss Smiling Irish Eyes at the Rivers Club A representative for Market Square Association, the group that in Oxford Center. The next morning, Saturday, March 15, 2008 runs the event, has commented that their schedule is not yet at 10:00 a.m. is the start of the Pittsburgh St. Patrick's Day available as details are still being worked out. Parade. It has been held since 1869 and is now the biggest- drawing parade for adults and children in the city. Even in foul weather, the parade marches on. As recently as 1993, Pittsburgh experienced its worst snow storm in over 100 years, and yet the parade was held. With many marching bands, floats, and area groups representing Pittsburgh's long- standing Irish heritage, this is an event not to be missed. After the parade you'll find several options for continuing the fun - with or without the usual green beer at hand. The annual Blarney Bash post-parade party will be held at Station Square beginning at noon and runs until 5:00 p.m. This free event is

14 • March 2008 March Nightlife All event times subject to change. Please NIGHT LIFE contact venue for show times and dates. Nightwire is not responsible for incorrect or misprinted shows, times, dates, or venues. Who Met God, Barker‘s Beauties 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Tix: $15 adv, Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Tix: $17 dos Sassy Marie’s $8 adv, $10 dos Sat 03-29-08 91.3fm WYEP Presents Gary 422 Foreland Street Thu 03-06-08 The Black Dahlia Murder w/ Louris w/ Vetiver Doors: 8:00pm, Music: Pittsburgh • 412-246-0355 Animosity, Braindrill, Belie My Burial 9:00pm - Ages: +21 | Tix: $20 adv/dos 1 - Eldorado Kings Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages | Tix: Sun 03-30-08 PGHPOP Festival ft. Stars 7 – Phoenix Jazz Project $12 adv, $14 dos Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Tix: 8 – Dwayne Dolphin Fri 03-07-08 The Black Lips w/ Quintron & $16 adv/dos 14 – Billy the Kid Miss Pussycat, Br’er Fox Doors: 7pm, Mon 03-31-08 Bound By The Road Tour ft. 15 – Allegheny Drifters Music: 8pm - All Ages | Tix: $12 adv, $14 Devildriver w/ Napalm Death, Walls of 19 – Neon – Swing X-perience dos Jericho, 36 Crazyfists, In Vitro Doors: 21 – The Mavens Sat 03-08-08 The Paul Green School of 6:00pm, Music: 6:30pm - All Ages | Tix: 22 – Jimmy Adler Rock All-Stars with Special Guest JON $20 adv, $22 dos 28 – Lonesome No More ANDERSON playing the music of YES 29 – Tony Mollick Project Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Tix: Club Café $28 adv/dos Sun 03-09-08 The Donnas w/ 56-58 South 12th Street Moondogs Red Wanting Blue, Leslie Doors: 6pm, Pittsburgh • 412.431.4950 378 Freeport Road Music: 7pm - All Ages | Tix: $15 adv, $17 Sat 03-01-08 The Bridge w/ Cornmeal Blawnox • 412-828-2040 Mon 03-10-08 Pillar w/ Building 429, Doors: 7:30pm, Music: 9:00pm – Ages: March 1 (Sat) , Brewers' Row (rock), 10:00 Wavorly, Brooke Barrettsmith, BraeSide +21 | Tix: $12 adv/dos PM Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages | Thu 03-06-08 Nathan Angelo w/ Rob March 6 (Thu) , Michael Burks (blues), 8:00 Tix: $13 adv, $16 dos Blackledge PM Tue 03-11-08 Remember Thy Name, A Doors: 6:00pm, Music: 7:30pm – Ages: March 7 (Fri) , Happy Ending, Hook and Small Town Conspiracy, Sister Vigilante, +21 | Tix: $10 adv/dos Tobacco Road (rock), 8:00 PM 100,000 Missing, Count Me In Doors: Fri 03-07-08 New Music March Series Live March 8 (Sat ), Mark Stutso CD Release 6:30pm, Music: 7:00pm - All Ages | Tix: $8 Broadcast on 91.3fm WYEP featuring Patty Party, with Norman Nardini & Glenn adv, $10 dos Sat 03-15-08 Aiden w/ Madina Larkin Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 8:00pm – Pavone 9:30 PM Lake, My American Heart, Farewell to Ages: +21 | Tix: $24 adv/dos March 14 (Fri) , Hip-Hop Nite (hip-hop), Freeway Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Sun 03-09-08 Alex Skolnick Trio 9:00 PM Ages | Tix: $12 adv, $14 Doors: 7:00pm, Music: 8:00pm – Ages: March 15 (Sat) , Anthony Gomes (blues), Sun 03-16-08 Grace Potter & the Nocturnals +21 | Tix: $10 adv, $12 dos 9:30 PM / The Benevento-Russo Duo Thu 03-13-08 Antigone Rising March 20 (Thu) , Hip-Hop Nite (hip-hop), Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - Ages: +21 | Tix: Doors: 7:30pm, Music: 9:00pm – Ages: 8:00 PM $15 adv/dos +21 | Tix: $15 adv/dos March 21 (Fri) AND March 22 (Sat), Brian Tue 03-18-08 91.3fm WYEP Presents Drive- Tue 03-18-08 Sally Anthony Doors: Auger's Oblivion Express (jazz), 8:30 PM By Truckers w/ The Whigs 7:30pm, Music: 9:00pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: March 29 (Sat) , Guitar Zack & No Slack Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - Ages: +21 | Tix: $8 adv/dos (rock), 9:30 PM $20 adv, $22 dos Fri 03-21-08 New Music March Series Live Wed 03-19-08 The Starting Line w/ Bayside, Broadcast on 91.3fm WYEP featuring Bill Mr. Smalls Four Year Strong, Steel Train Deasy 400 Lincoln Ave Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages | Tix: Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 8:00pm – Ages: Millvale • 412.821.4447 $18 adv/dos +21 | Tix: $13 adv, $15 dos Sat 03-01-08 Rusted Root Thu 03-20-08 Clutch w/ Murder by Death, Sat 03-22-08 Will Hoge’s Acoustic Duo Doors: 7pm, Music: 8:30pm - Ages: +21 | Maylene & the Sons of Disaster, Hex (early show) Tix: $25 adv/dos Machine Doors: 6:00pm, Music: 7:30pm – Ages: Sun 03-02-08 Emery w/ Mayday Parade, Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages | Tix: +21 | Tix: $15 adv/dos As Cities Burn, Pierce the Veil, Cry of the $25 adv, $28 dos Sat 03-22-08 An Evening with Toubab Afflicted Doors: 6:00pm, Music: 6:30pm - Fri 03-21-08 Armor for Sleep w/ A Cursive Krewe (late show) All Ages | Tix: $15 adv/dos Memory, Automatic Loveletter Doors: 9:30pm, Music: 10:00pm – Ages: Mon 03-03-08 The Honorary Title w/ The Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Tix: +21 | Tix: $12 adv/dos Teeth, The Dead Trees $15 adv/dos Fri 03-28-08 New Music March Series Live Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages | Tix: Sat 03-22-08 Man Man w/ The Broadcast on 91.3fm WYEP featuring Tyler $12 adv/dos Extraordinaires, Ball of Flame Shoot Fire Ramsey Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 8:00pm – Tue 03-04-08 The Hush Sound w/ Secret Doors: 7pm, Music: 8pm - All Ages | Tix: Ages: +21 | Tix: $10 adv/dos Sat 03-29-08 Handshake, Paper Rival, Charlotte $12 adv/dos Tift Merritt (two shows) Doors: 6pm, Music: Sometimes Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Thu 03-27-08 Hotel Cafe Tour ft. Ingrid 7:30pm, Doors: 9:30pm, Music: 10pm – Ages | Tix: $12 adv, $14 dos Michaelson, Joshua Radin, Cary Brothers, Ages: +21 | Tix: $15 adv, $17 dos Wed 03-05-08 Bang Camaro w/ Ninjas Dan Wilson, Meiko, Priscilla Ahn Doors:

March 2008 • 15 MUSIC Mon River Ramblers - A Picksburgh Favorite! Photos by Trish Imbrogno

fruition. Shortly thereafter, Jeff’s brother Jim was enlisted to take up the part of lead vocals and acoustic guitar and the rest is history. Late night jam sessions turned into weekly practices and open mic jams turned into a long and exhausting search for a bass player. About a year after, the three founding members found their match through a friend of Luke’s who knew of a friend moving back to Pittsburgh from Texas who used to play bass in a funk/rock band. After a couple of jam sessions, Robin joined the band and within a couple months he was slapping away on a brand new upright bass. Then, as fate would have it, Gene happened to stroll down Liberty Avenue in Bloomfield and catch the Ramblers during one of their impromptu street pickin’ sessions and express his newfound passion for bluegrass fiddle. Similar to what happened with Robin, after a couple of jam sessions, he was the fifth member of the band, sawin’ away on his fiddle. The band was complete, although the Ramblers are still on the hunt for a dobro player. Once the band was formed, The Mon River Ramblers began playing their unique blend of steel-city slamgrass all throughout the streets of Pittsburgh in early stages of 2006. Moving from their humble beginnings of pickin' on street corners and avenues around the city, the Ramblers began to get noticed and started pickin' in bars and venues around the hen a person thinks of bluegrass, the first thing that Pittsburgh area. Through their experience of pickin' all over the Wcomes to mind is Nashville, Kentucky, or possibly even city (inside and out of venues and bars), the Ramblers have the father of Bluegrass music, Bill Monroe. One thing that polished their sound with a unique blend of bluegrass unlike definitely does not come to mind is bluegrass music coming any other act today. Their mix of traditional bluegrass roots out of the city of Pittsburgh. infused with breakneck slamgrass pickin' keeps their music The MON RIVER RAMBLERS are a progressive five-piece moving at full speed and never slowin' down. acoustic bluegrass band looking to change that notion and put The Ramblers’ music is a mixture of original homegrown Pittsburgh on the map for progressive bluegrass music. The compositions, soaring harmonies, and an innovative approach Western Pennsylvania bluegrass scene has always been one to improvisation that reflects the band’s experience living the deeply rooted in the traditional form of the music. Mac Martin, city life. In their short, but prosperous career, the Mon River who is part of the bluegrass hall of fame, plays in the Ramblers have played all over the city of Pittsburgh, Ohio, and bluegrass band Mac Martin and the Dixie Travelers. They North Carolina. Most notably, after a recent performance at the represent the pinnacle of what Western Pennsylvania Butler Ice Jam, which brings together over 35 bluegrass bands bluegrass music is known for, flawless and traditional. from around Pennsylvania and over thousands of fans from all Enter the Mon River Ramblers, a young, up and coming over the country, they received a standing ovation after their bluegrass band that is steadily picking up steam and fans all headlining set from a crowd of well over 300 people on the over the Pittsburgh area. Based out of Bloomfield, minutes opening night of the festival. from the heart of downtown Pittsburgh, the band consists of Be sure to stay posted to their website Jim Kuzemka on lead vocals and guitar, Jeff Kuzemka on www.myspace.com/monriverramblers for upcoming shows, lead/harmony vocals and banjo, Robin Brubaker on harmony music, and all other things Rambler related. vocals and upright bass, Luke Stamper on harmony vocals and mandolin, and Gene Gelblum on Fiddle. Upcoming Shows: The Mon River Ramblers formed when Jeff Kuzemka and Saturday, March 29 • Saturday Light Radio Show • Luke Stamper were introduced by a mutual friend in early Pittsburgh, 2006. Through a mutual appreciation of acoustic bluegrass Saturday, April 5 • Coyote Howlers Café • Bloomfield music and after playing together at a couple late night jam Sunday, May 25 • North Country Bluegrass Festival • sessions, the idea of forming a bluegrass band came to Portersville, P A

16 • March 2008 MUSIC

Saturday, March 17, 8PM at the Hard Rock Café – Station Square..

March 2008 • 17 ROMANCE Singles in the City by: Nannette Staropoli

s founder of Fusion Private Club, Nannette Staropoli has was worth your $25? Were the minutes spent together as Athe ultimate little black book for social activities and events meaningful for them? Should you insist on the event and is ready to share advice with Pittsburgh readers about “guarantee” and sign up again next month? being single – from where to go and what to do – to personal Lock and Key parties are relatively new to the dating scene. advice on being single in the city. Comments, suggestions or To get started, female guests are handed a lock and male questions, contact Nannette at [email protected] or guests receive a key. Men and women are encouraged to try visit fusionprivateclub.com. a variety of locks and keys to find a match. Once you find a Creating A New Generation of Daters match, you head to the Lock & Key Distribution Station and From speed dating and lock and key parties - to internet exchange your old hardware for a new lock or key. Cash, dating , finding your mate has changed. locks, and keys – it doesn’t get much more romantic than that. Dating is different today. It’s almost hard to recall the days of Last but not least let’s touch base on Internet Dating. Long connecting with someone at car hops, dances, or the local forgotten are days when only geeks were attached to church bazaar. Twenty years ago, you didn’t turn on your computers. Today we turn to computers for everything from computer to meet someone, nor turn to “dating games” such banking to buying clothes. It’s only natural that internet dating as speed dating or lock and key parties. dominates the singles scene. What isn’t natural is to sit If you aren’t familiar with the later, speed dating is a time- behind a computer screen for hours on end searching, typing, based dating game that allows you about 15 different 4 to 8 and hoping someone “winks ”. Nor is it natural that someone minute one-on-one dates. During those minutes, you are “wink” when you know if they were in a true social setting, tasked with making an immediate connection and need to they would barely make eye contact with their waiter, least of decide whether you are interested in someone or not. A loud initiate dialogue with you? I’m unsure why internet dating has buzzer sounds between rounds alerting you it’s time for created a new generation of courageous daters. Have you another timed interval with a prospective mate. At the end of considered spell check with internet dating? Natural? I don’t the night, you are faced with many decisions. Was the event think so. After all, there’s no spell check when you meet

18 • March 2008 AA  A A   A A someone in person. It’s not to say that dating “games” and internet dating lack    their share of success stories. My own mother met her A A husband by running a personal ad 10 years ago and they are A AA A still living happily ever after. My suggestion is we create a generation of new daters that find a mate the natural way – by  A  A getting out and doing things you enjoy. The great news is that AA AA Pittsburgh cares! Companies are interested in helping facilitate connecting like-minded singles. The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust has plans to include singles mixers, and The Riverhound’s soccer team will include singles pre and post game activities ( *" just in time for their new season. Try spending less time looking and more time getting out and trying new things, or heading to activities you already enjoy. You will not only increase your odds of meeting someone in a natural way, but YOGA1113 )* ()'& *( * have fun too. For those of you that like to mix it up, Fusion 3( $''( has a schedule filled with dating games throughout the year #)*'(# '+*" # and during Singles week, an annual nationwide event that takes place in September. Either way, enjoy the journey. 1122 8811 Happy Dating, 41122/48811..AA Nannette ,,,.( *" --'!)*+ #'.'%

Etna South Side 338 Butler St. 1 410 E. Carson St. P ittsburgh PA 15223 P ittsburgh PA 15203 412.784.TAT2 412.488.TATS

March 2008 • 19 FEATU RE Won’t You Be My Neighbor? Days

program, it just has to be special to you.” Throughout WYBMND (March 15 – 20), organizations ranging from libraries (Carnegie Libraries of Pittsburgh and others throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania), to museums (The Children’s Museum of Pittsburgh, the Westmoreland Museum of American Art, the Senator John Heinz History Center and The Carnegies) to other venues (The New Hazlett Theater, The Pittsburgh Opera, the Pittsburgh Zoo and the PPG Aquarium, the National Aviary and Gilda’s Club Western Pennsylvania) have signed up to participate. Highlights of the celebration also include performances by musicians including members of the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra. “What’s been so encouraging,” says FCI President Bill Isler, “is the enthusiastic response from leaders at the cultural treasures in our region. By offering free or reduced admissions, they are providing opportunities for children and families that may change and enrich their lives in unexpected, wonderful ways. Through the generosity of these caring ‘neighbors,’ children will be able to enjoy puppet making, musical presentations and other activities.” “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” Days Tickets for Kids® Charities is joining the WYBMD March 15 – 20 celebration by partnering with its 800 social service agencies And while you’re at it, Won’t You Wear A Sweater on March 20? and dozens of participating cultural and civic organizations. The goal is to assure that deserving children and families ince 1968, when Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood made its throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are included in the Snational public television debut, Fred Rogers began each numerous events and activities taking place to commemorate episode with his simple signature question in song: “Won’t You Fred Rogers' impact and enduring legacy. Be My Neighbor?” For more information about “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” This year, more than 30 Southwestern Pennsylvania Days (WYBMND) visit www.misterrogers.org. organizations are planning to show just how neighborly they can be as the first-ever “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” Days celebration takes place March 15 – 20 as part of Pittsburgh’s 250th anniversary. “It started simply enough,” explains Margy Whitmer of Family Communications, Inc. (FCI is the nonprofit company founded in 1971 by Fred Rogers.) “We wanted to recognize Fred in a way that would reflect his deep appreciation of what it means to be a caring neighbor.” So, “’Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” Days – WYBMND for short, although not by much – was born as a means of promoting neighborliness throughout the region. “We’re also planning something special on what would have been Fred Rogers’ 80th birthday on March 20,” says David Newell, FCI’s public relations director and Mr. McFeely. “We’re asking everyone everywhere – from Pittsburgh to Paris -- to wear their favorite sweater. It doesn’t have to have a zipper down the front like the one Mister Rogers wore on the

20 • March 2008 HUMOR

The Year 1907 counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then This will boggle your mind. The year is 1907. Only 100 pharmacists Said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907: bowels,and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' • There were about 230 reported murders in the • The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years old ENTIRE U.S.A! • Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. • Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. Second Opinion • A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is eleven dollars. situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old • There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S.., and only 144 miles gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The of paved roads. evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to • The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink. • Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman million people, hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he • California was only the 21st most populous state in the calls out, "Is there anybody there? "At once a great voice Union. seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the • The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in • The average wage in the U.S. was 22 Cents per hour. measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. • The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small $400 per year. tree and you will descend safely to the shore below." The old • A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down year, at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again • A dentist made $2,500 per year, and says, "Is there anybody else up there?" • A veterinarian $1,500 per year, • A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. • More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home. • Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! • Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.' • Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. • Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. • Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. • Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. • Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were: Pneumonia and influenza – Tuberculosis - Diarrhea - Heart disease - Stroke • The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. • The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30! • Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet. • There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. • Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. • Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. • Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the

March 2008 • 21 FEATURE St. Patrick’s Day Humor Pub Accident Brains Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a just two little slits for his eyes. newspaper article about which nationalities’ brains were for 'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy. 'I staggered out of sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman’s or a Scotsman’s the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me brain could be bought for $500 but an Englishman’s brain cost through a plate glass window.' 'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a $10,000. That proves, said the Englishman, that Englishmen good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have are much cleverer than Irishman or Scotsmen. No, it doesn’t been cut to ribbons!' said the Irishman, it just means an Englishman’s brain has never been used. Her Body's a Temple Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to Pat & Mick spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what touched this big spinning thing here like this... Darn! There was your toast?" So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest goes another one!" of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Scorcher Murphy Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied pull him by the ears to make him come". Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." Best Bar in The World The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinn’s. At Quinn’s, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink." Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!" A Brain Teaser For You! Three guys go into a hotel to share a room. The desk clerk tells them the room is $30.00, so they each put in ten dollars and go up to their room. Later, the clerk realizes he made a mistake, and the room is only $25.00. So, he gives the bellhop five dollars to take back to them. But the bellhop is a little crooked and figures they can't split five dollars between the three of them evenly, so he gives them back three dollars and pockets two. Each guy paid ten dollars and got one dollar back, so each guy paid nine dollars. Nine times three is twenty-seven, plus the two the bellhop kept makes twenty- nine. Where's the other dollar??? I don't know the answer, but perhaps a leprechaun could tell you ....if you can catch one!

22 • March 2008 FEATURE St. Patrick’s Day Humor

90 St. Patrick’s Day Toasts 52. Bloodshot eyes are smiling! 1. When the booze is inside, the pain goes elsewhere. 53. Not everyone can be born a Brit! 2. Here's peat in your eye! 54. Gaelic keeps the vampires away! 3. May the love of your heart leave without returning. 55. I'd rather be Irish than sober! 4. Kick the little people in the arse! 56. Don't spit on my brother's enlarged liver! 5. Have a magically delicious evening! 57. Hey, we do beer every year - tonight, sparkling cider 6. Wine lets out the truth, but it washes off with a little club for everyone! soda. 58. Drink up, and water the filth! 7. A good run is better than a painful rectum. 59. Flip off those fancy lads across the water! 8. More Guinness, less air! 60. May you defuse the car bomb in the nick of time! 9. May the cat suck your Shamrock shake. 61. If the head cannot bear the glory of the crown, better 10. Don't bother with the beggar's son, he's probably gay. get your teeth knocked out. 11. If God wanted us to take baths, He wouldn't have made us 62. Let's slur our guttural consonants until they're Irish. incomprehensible! 12. Snakes, snakes everywhere! 63. Are we not lads?! 13. A windy day is not the day for pissing. 64. Scabies! 14. A man lives long in his native place - as long as it's not 65. I prefer stuffing over potatoes. Ireland. 66. Stick a County Cork in it! 15. I'd rather fight than switch! 67. There's a wake goin' on somewhere! 16. Stay away from Galway Bay! 68. That's not a shillelagh in me pocket - I'm happy to 17. Pull me other finger! see you! 18. It is not a secret if it is known by Irish people. 69. Irish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener! 19. An early riser angers me to no end. 70. To the poor sods who haven't coupled since the 20. A light heart lives long, but your liver will give out long Coronation! before then. 71. Hey, hey, at least we're not French! 21. Call 911! 72. Morning is the time to pity the sober. Those bastards 22. You must live with a person to really hate a person. must face my wrath! 23. May God and Mary preserve you in Tupperware. 73. Close cover before striking! 24. Erin go braless! 74. They all look bonny to the well-lubricated man. 25. When the cat is away, the mice will get smashed. 75. If you're Saxon and you know it, clap your hands! 26. Manly, yes - but I like it too! 76. Big time thanks to O'Douls for providing the beer! 27. Better the warmth of a sheep than the coldness of a wife. Would you believe it's non-alcoholic? 28. Flan for everybody! 77. May misfortune cookies may follow you the rest of 29. Alkie-Celt-er plus! your life, but may you never learn to read them. 30. The devil invented scotch whiskey so that the Irish may 78. Marry a homely girl and you marry the whole home. propagate. May your life, your love, your wine and your jokes be 31. The person of the fanciest talk is probably gay. cheap. 32. A narrow neck on the bottle keeps you from throwing up in 79. To your friendships, may they outgrow your tumors! it. 80. Dance as if no one were watching, Sing as if no one 33. I'll kill any man who kisses my wife, especially myself! were listening, And Live today day as if it were your 34. May my wife beat me about the head and shoulders when last, 'cause I'll kill you if you don't stop singing and I get home. dancing! 35. Kiss my Derry air! 81. May the Irish hills caress you and cop a feel when no 36. Go green, and wipe yourself good! one is looking. 37. The slums of Belfast are calling! 82. The reason the Irish are always fighting each other Is 38. A prosperous and pleasant Christmas and new year! they are so very drunk. 39. Hey, hey, IRA! 83. May the floor rise up to meet you! 40. Toss it down the right orifice, laddie! 84. How lucky can we be if we're Irish! 41. Spuds forever! 85. I complained that I had no shoes...Until I met a man 42. May a lassie at Shenanigan’s find your slurred speech who had really ugly shoes. amusing. 86. A prayer that all the poor leprechauns be employed 43. Never piss in a pot o' gold! by George Lucas! 44. Me too, U2! 87. A man that can't say an unkind word, should meet 45. May you fall on something with few corners. an Irishman. 46. To your real Dad, wherever he may be! 88. Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never 47. Cabbage farts now - avoid the rush! meet! 48. Don't toss your guts in the confessional! 89. May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your 49. May the Force be with you! head be always strong. 50. Seventeen jiggers or bust! 90. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the 51. To the homeland, even if it smells like shite! devil knows you're dead.

March 2008 • 23 HUMOR

Talking Pennsylvanian de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. Once a Pennsylvanian, ALWAYS a Pennsylvanian! About There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, Pennsylvanians: You've never referred to Philadelphia as pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the anything but "Philly" and New Jersey has always been elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. "Jersey " You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Pee- When youget out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my ay). How many other states do that? "You guys" is a perfectly doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting acceptable reference to a group of men and women You know all these buttons with my elbow? "What ...... You coming how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?"(Did you eat yet?) empty handed?" You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-barre , Schuylkill , the Pocono's, Tamaqua, Tunkannock, Bala Inventions Cynwyd, Duquesne and Monongahela. There now follows a list of inventions. They were the And we know Lancaster is pronounced Lank aster, not Lan brainchildren of the Cleveland man who was history's kaster. You know what a Mummer" is, and are disappointed if unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up you can't catch at least highlights of the parade. with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" is, and what it means if enough, look at other things he produced: An inflatable he sees his shadow. The first day of buck and the first day of dartboard - A chocolate kettle - A soluble life-raft - A self- doe season are school holidays. At least five people on your righting aspirin - A solar-powered torch block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long. You know what a "State Store" is, and your out-of- A Blind Pilot is Flying This plane? state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time at the mini-mart. Words like "hoagie," "crick," "chipped ham," we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody "dippy eggs", "sticky buns," "shoo-fly pie," "lemon sponge on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that to you. there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to That's PA slang for purse! You can eat cold pizza (even for get off the aircraft, we would re board in thirty minutes. breakfast) and know others who do the same Those from NY Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was find this "barbaric." You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown you know it comes in several colors: You know the difference before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the between a cheese steak and a pizza steak sandwich, and seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also know that you can't get a really good one out side PA, except tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot Atlantic City on the boardwalk. You live for summer, when approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off season. You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Paradise , and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Mars, and my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for Slippery Rock are PA towns. (and the first three were me please?" Now picture this. All the people in the gate area consecutive stops on the Reading RR). You know what a came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and township, borough, and Commonwealth is. You can identify saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The drivers from New York, New Jersey, Maryland or other pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits. not only trying to change planes but also trying to change A traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage airlines! on the highway in Lancaster County. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. You carry jumper cables in Blonde Dry Cleaner Joke your car and your female passengers know how to use them. A blonde walks into her regular dry cleaner and drops off a Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are blouse. As she leaves the clerk says "Come again" and the filled with snow. As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles blonde says "No, its mustard this time." that were taller than you were. You know beer doesn't grow in a garden but you know Can't Live Without 'em where to find a beer garden. You also know someone who A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I lives "down the lane". You actually understand all this and clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, want to share this with other Pennsylvanians or former officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun Pennsylvanians! YEAH ! THAT'S "PA" AND WE LOVE IT !! needs calibrating.' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't The Italian Elbow have cruise control' As the officer writes out the ticket, the An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to keep your mouth shut for once?' The wife smiles demurely

24 • March 2008 HUMOR

and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger." when it did.' "Well," sighed Tara, "we'd better think of something fast. It's As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal starting to rain, and sun roof is open." radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dang it all woman. Can't you keep Two Wishes... your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 42nd that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and my license out of my back pocket.' especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, said the wife, I didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt want to travel around the World with my darling husband" The when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an this way, Ma'am?' I love this part....'Only when he's been opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going drinking.' with my mind and not my Heart. " "I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife What Is Old? and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - the make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" husband became 92 years old. "OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new The Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful should alligator shoes and you're barefoot. remember; Fairies are Female, you know.... "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD " IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. 6 Truths of Life 1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it. 3. The first truth is a lie. 4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You will soon share this with another idiot. 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. Blonde Ambition Two blondes, Tara and Sam, were feeling excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key form the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Tara asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it?" "No that won't work," Sam answered, "People will think we're trying to break in." Tara suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?" "No, said

March 2008 • 25 HUMOR

Disorder in the American Courts These are from a book called Disorder in the American WITNESS: None. Courts, and are things people actually said in court, ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? word for word, taken down and now published by court WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need reporters who had the torment of staying calm while a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? these exchanges were actually taking place. ______ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: By death. WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of it? the impact? ______WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? ______WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? your memory at all? WITNESS: Guess. WITNESS: Yes. ______ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant memory? to a deposition notice which I sent to your WITNESS: I forget. attorney? ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. of something you forgot? ______ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband performed on dead people? said to you that morning? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? ______WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What ______school did you go to? ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever WITNESS: Oral. been involved in voodoo? ______WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the ATTORNEY: Voodoo? body? WITNESS: We do. WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: You do? ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I ______was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a ______person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______And the best for last: ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. you check for a pulse? ______WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? taken? WITNESS: No. WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? ______WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive was August 8th? when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: Yes. WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a ______jar. ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, WITNESS: Yes. nevertheless? ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

26 • March 2008 March 2008 • 27

HUMOR

6 Reasons Not to Mess with Children (1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The Q. What's a mixed feeling? teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your swallow a human because even though it was a very large new car. mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Q. What's the height of conceit? Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher Q. What's the definition of macho? asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. "Then you ask him." (2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? children while they were drawing. A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God Q. What is a Yankee? looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." (3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? Commandments with her five and six year olds. After A. They both like a tight seal. explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? how to treat our brothers and sisters?" A. Their balls are just for decoration. Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill." Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and (4) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher "aaaaaaah"? was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group A. About three inches. picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'." A. The grip. A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? (5) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the A. It's not hard. blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class A: Kick his sister in the jaw. said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." A: 45 minutes. (6) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the A: Breasts don't have eyes. apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, love? A. The swallow. "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? Timeless Humor...Q & A A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch!

March 2008 • 29 HUMOR

Upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard Dear Tech Support: at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched noticed that the new program began unexpected child back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his Golfing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his Thanks, Troubled User..... head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT REPLY: Dear Troubled User: ALREADY?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on This is a very common problem that men complain about. the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run Politics EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad return to Girlfriend 7.0 .. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head the program files from the system once installed. You cannot of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings- We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the Alimony/ Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 People. The nanny - we will consider her the Working Class. and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the And your baby brother - we will call him the Future. Now think background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the bed. The next morning the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I program Nag Nag 9.5 .. Once this happens, the only way to think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The President is WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to deep do-do. the operating system! Job Interview Best of luck, Tech Support While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said Catholic School and Little Zachary to the Maguire brothers: 'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.' Papers were tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning produced and the boys set to work answering the general centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and manager collected and marked the papers. enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, 'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his giving Mick the job.' 'Why's that?' asked Pat. 'Well,' said the face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

30 • March 2008 HUMOR

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was Remember: turn signal fluid.' 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written 11. Definition of a teenager? an impressive new book. It's called ...... God's punishment...for enjoying sex. Ministers Do More Than Lay People.' 12. As you slide down the banister of life, may 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink the splinters never point the wrong way and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and The Story of the Eagle your boss, the Pope only expects you The eagle has the longest life-span of its' species. It can to kiss his ring. live up to 70 years. But to reach this age, the eagle 4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant must make a hard decision In its' 40's. Its' long and flash and it is gone. flexible talons can no longer grab prey which serves as 5. The only time the world beats a path to food. Its' long and sharp beak becomes bent. Its' old- your door is if you're in the bathroom. aged and heavy wings, due to their thick feathers, 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, become stuck to its' chest and make it difficult to fly. the seat folded up, the drink spilled and Then, the eagle is left with only two options: die or go that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. through a painful process of change which lasts 150 7. It used to be only death and taxes days. The process requires that the eagle fly to a were inevitable now, of course, there's mountain top and sit on its' nest. There the eagle shipping and handling, too. knocks its' beak against a rock until it plucks it out. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking After plucking it out, the eagle will wait for a new beak the trash out, gives the impression that to grow back and then it will pluck out its' talons. When he just cleaned the whole house. its' new talons grow back, the eagle starts plucking its' 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just old-aged feathers. And after five months, the eagle vending machines and a large trash can. takes its famous flight of rebirth and lives for 30 more 10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my years. Learn from the Eagle… Spread Your Wings and mechanic might try to rip me off. Fly!!

March 2008 • 31 HUMOR

On The Phone With MA! Bull and Turkey Italian Mother: "Hello?" A turkey is chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got tonight?" the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my Italian Mother: "You're going out?" droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." Daughter: "Yes." The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually Italian Mother: "With whom?" gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. Daughter: "With a friend." The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the Italian Mother: "I don't know why you left your second branch. Finally after a week, there he is proudly husband. He is such a good man." perched at the top of the tree. Unfortunately he is spotted by a Daughter: "MOM, I didn't leave him. He left me!" farmer, who shoots him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Italian Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. out with anybodies and nobodies." Daughter: "MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I A Blonde's Brain at Work bring over the kids?" A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same Italian Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, except your father." girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave don't." right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra Italian Mother: "What are you hinting at?" gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring goes home to find her husband having sex with the female the kids over tonight.." boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return Italian Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the What will your husband say if he finds brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again out?" sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." Daughter: "MA its My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, Lighter Than Air he probably never slept alone!" A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet. "I Italian Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip loser's place?" a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time Daughter: "MOM, He's not a loser." see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds." When the Italian Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's woman with children is a loser and a amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" parasite." The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to Daughter: "MA, I don't want to argue; should I bring drop dead that third day." "From hunger you mean?" Asks the over the kids or not?" doctor. "No," replies the blonde, "from skipping." Italian Mother: "Poor children with such a mother." Daughter: "Such a what?" Stag Night Italian Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic stag night? husband left you." A: The cake jumps out of the girl Daughter: "ENOUGH MA!!!" Italian Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably Army Girl scream at the loser too!" Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the army. You get a new Daughter: "Great MA, Now you're worried about the haircut, new clothes and all information is given to you on a loser?" need to know basis. Italian Mother: "Ah, so you see he is a loser and I spotted him immediately." Car Smash Lovers Daughter: "Goodbye, mother." A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, Italian Mother: "Wait! Wait! Don't hang up! When are but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their you bringing them over?" cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then out!" the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It Italian Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"

32 • March 2008 HUMOR

must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!' night? ''Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly with you completely!' The woman goes on, 'And look, though broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!' 'Well, OK!' tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the so you gave her a black eye. ''Crap!' says the man. bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back. 'Your turn,' 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is says the man. 'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just tidy and my breakfast is ready? ''When Mum dragged wait for the police.' you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy Blonde Accessories hands off me, I'm married!'' Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? 3 Blind (drunk) Mice A: Her ankles Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and Blind Faith says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot table. He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you. mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away. 'Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ "Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with friends. The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing home to shag the cat." his own breakfast. 'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last

March 2008 • 33 HUMOR

Robotic Bar Man Tomato is a Fruit A popular bar has a new robotic barman installed. A guy Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your not putting it in a fruit salad. IQ?" The man replies: "130." So the robot goes on to make conversation about physics, astronomy and so on. The man Round The Bend listens intently and thinks: "This is really cool." Another guy A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves IQ?" The man response: "100." So the robot starts talking to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the about TV, the weather and so on. The man thinks to himself: window and screams 'PIG!' Astonished, the man turns "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy comes into the bar. As and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and with the others the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?" The man crashes into a pig. replies: "80." The robot says: "So, how are the Patriots doing these days?" Chicken and Horse A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Who's your Daddy Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to A: It changes your blood type help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the Employee of the Month farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope Employee of the month is a good example of how someone around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the can be both a winner and a loser at the same time rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: "I think I can get you out." So he stretches over the width of the AnimalFriends hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself presents up." The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. St Peter's Quiz A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together. When they get Looking to Dig Up a Little Fun? Grab Your Favorite Four-Legged there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, and Bring them to Animal Friends it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question from 6-8pm on Friday, April 11 correctly, or else you can't get in." He looks at the for a Happy Hour and teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the Wine Tasting Event For a famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" suggested donation of $15 per person, "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic." So you and your dog will sample some of WKH ÀQHVW DQLPDOWKHPHG ERWWOHV RI St. Peter lets her into Heaven. Next he turns to the petty wine available. Cheese and bread will thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter be available to snack on. Registration asks. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I LV OLPLWHG WR WKH ÀUVW  UHVHUYDWLRQV think it was 1,500." St. Peter steps away and the thief All dogs must be over 4 months of age, and current on vaccinations. walks into Heaven. Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer No retractable leashes please. and says: "Name them." For De-Tails 412.847.7055 or email [email protected]. Lying Lawyer Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? AnimalFriends A: His lips are moving Caryl Gates Gluck Resource Center 562 Camp Horne Road | Pittsburgh, PA 15237

34 • March 2008 HUMOR

9 Words That Don’t Mean What You Think!! The English language is under assault by stupid people who Pristine - People think it means: "Spotless" or "as good use words they don't understand, and is defended by as new." pompous asses who like to correct those people. We're not Actually means: "Ancient, primeval; in a state virtually sure who to side with. So, here are some words that you'll see unchanged from the original." It's therefore perfectly used incorrectly on a daily basis, and a helpful guide as to just possible to have a pristine mountain of fossilized how big of a dick you'd have to be to correct people on it. brontosaurus shit, but if you were to buff that mountain Irregardless - People think it means: Regardless. to a lustrous shine, it would no longer be pristine. The Actually means: Not a damned thing. This is not a word. Now, meanings are close enough that correcting somebody we have no problem with making up words (if a particular sounds like grammar Nazi hair-splitting. That's a shame, scent can only be described as "fartalicious," we reserve the because there were lots of words that mean "clean" but right to call it so). The problem with this one is "regardless" none that have the exact same meaning as "pristine." If already means something isn't worth regard (that's why the you use pristine correctly yourself, you probably won't "less" is there) so adding the "ir" to it means... it's worth land yourself in too much trouble, unless someone buys regarding again? Who knows. If there's ever a time to speak your "pristine" house on eBay without realizing that it's up, this is probably it. Mainly because this is one of those an authentic 14th century dung hovel complete with words used almost exclusively by people trying to sound never-been-used plague rats. smarter than they are. Remind them that when using fake words to at least try to use ones that have some kind of Nonplussed - People think it means: Unperturbed, not meaning, if they want to avoid unnecessary cockulance when worried. speaking. Actually means: Utterly perplexed or confused. It comes from the Latin non plus (a state in which nothing Peruse - People think it means: To skim over or browse more can be done). The misunderstanding would seem something. to stem from people making semi-educated guesses as Actually means: Almost the opposite of that. Peruse means to the word's meaning, which kind of sounds like it "to read with thoroughness or care." If you peruse a book, you means "unruffled" or something like that. If your leave no page unturned. This makes sense when you consider the Middle English per use, meaning "to wear out or use up." Unfortunately, if you "consider the Middle English" very often when speaking, you're probably not exactly the life of the party. You could make the argument that the way people use it is so far off from the original meaning that it's worth fighting for, but there is almost no way to do it tactfully: "What are you doing, Chris?" "Oh, just perusing the report here before the meeting." "Well you better get out the microscope, retard!!" So, perhaps the best thing is to just lead by example and start using the word correctly yourself. But, this can create its own problems: "Hey Sharon, What's Chris doing?" "Oh, he said he was perusing that new report." "Then why is he hunched over it with his tongue out, re-reading the opening page for the ninth time?" "Gosh, I don't know. I guess he must be clinically retarded."

Ironic - People think it means: Any kind of amusing coincidence. Actually means: An outcome that is the opposite of what you'd expect. So, if a porn star moved to Virgin, Utah, that would be ironic. If the same porn star bought a house in Boner Knob, Montana that would not be ironic. We realize this is a technical point. But, it's almost worth taking a stand because the word has been abused to the point that it can mean anything. "She always said she wanted to marry a dentist! And then she married Bob, who is a dentist! Isn't that ironic?" "I went on my cigarette break, but there was a No Smoking sign! Isn't that ironic?" "I just pooped in your aquarium! Isn't that ironic?" We have to draw the line somewhere, don't we?

March 2008 • 35

HUMOR

roommate says: "The doctor called about your herpes test. (to a lady, perhaps), "I possess a deceptively large set of He sounded nonplussed." Then, yeah, it's pretty important balls," you could mean that your modest bulge belies the real that you know what he meant. Either the doc wasn't heft of your testicles, which are actually so pendulous that worried, or the doc was perplexed by the sight of some you're forced to strap them to your legs. However, you could strand of alien herpes he had never witnessed prior, also mean that you have tiny love eggs, and that your ball- depending on whether or not your roommate knows how to shaped jean protrusions are actually caused by the hideous use the word. Though, if any of your friends actually start malformation of your wang. This is obviously something you using words like "nonplussed" in conversation, regardless of want to avoid. If ever there was a case to be made for clarity the meaning, they may deserve a good punching anyway. of language, this is it. If you use it at all, make sure the context makes the meaning totally clear. "My balls are deceptively Bemused - People think it means: Mildly amused. large," you could say, "because I have just inflated my Actually means: Bewildered or confused. If you were to genitalia with a bicycle pump." What this also means is that say "I was bemused by your dead baby joke," you wouldn't technically the usage is never wrong ... or right. If you're the be saying the joke was funny. You'd be saying that you type who just likes to correct people to be a dick, well, this completely failed to understand it. It's hard to blame people one is a gold mine. for getting this one wrong, the word just sounds like it means, "sort of amused." We blame the people who School - Now and Then originally invented the word. You should probably let the Funny but so true - School 1970 vs. School 2008 new meaning take over unless, you know, you're a dick. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1970 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake Enormity - People think it means: Enormous. hands and end up mates. Actually means: Outrageous or heinous on a grand scale. 2008 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests War crimes are enormities. Extra-big bouncy castles are not. Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as This is one of those words you really don't need to be using evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out anyway, unless you're giving a speech at the U.N. Just and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. remember that if you say to your girl, "I hope you're Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. prepared for the enormity of my dick," you're implying that Video shown on 6 internet sites. your penis is responsible for several acts of evil on the scale Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other of ethnic genocide. This may or may not turn her on, students. depending on the girl. 1970 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class Plethora - People think it means: A lot of something. again. Actually means: Too much of something, an over- 2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counseled to abundance. It's the difference between: "Dude, I am death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra thinking of snorting a plethora of medicinal-grade funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school. barbiturates right now." And ... "Dude, I just snorted a Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and plethora of medicinal-grade barbiturates, and now there are his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. hundreds of terrifying arachnids crawling out of my body.” 1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes As with "enormity," you're courting a certain amount of to college, and becomes a successful businessman. dickery by using "plethora" at all; most of the time, you can 2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed get the same point across by saying "a big ol’shit load." to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister However, the original meaning of over-abundance is worth that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes hanging onto, because it seems as if there's no direct to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. replacement other than "too many big ol'shit loads," which Psychologist gets a promotion. doesn't have quite the same degree of pith. Interestingly, Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school. "plethora" once meant "an over-abundance of bodily fluids" 1970 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on so if you heard your doctor say this back in the 1700s, it the smoking area. meant they were about to stick a bunch of leeches on you. 2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons. Deceptively - People think it means: Nobody is sure. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them Actually means: Nobody is sure. Specifically, we're talking in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. about when the word is used with some other adjective. 1970 - Ants die. Like if somebody says, "The turd pool is deceptively 2008 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged shallow," does that mean it's deeper than it appears, or not with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings as deep? If you're not sure, don't feel bad. The American are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Heritage Dictionary asked their word experts and they said Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed they had no idea, either. So ... nobody knows. So, if you say to fly again.

March 2008 • 37

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