The Strength of Self-Acceptance

Michael E. Bernard Editor

Theory, Practice and Research Editor Michael E. Bernard Melbourne Graduate School of Education University of Melbourne Melbourne, Australia

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2013936250

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Springer is part of Springer Science+Business Media (www.springer.com) Albert Ellis, for his theory and professional practice spanning more than 50 years that has inspired so many people across the world to conquer self-depreciation (as much as humanely possible) and through self-acceptance to live less fearful and more self-actualized, fulﬁ lled lives. Christopher Peterson, for his seminal work in identifying universal positive human characteristics that contributes to well-being and for his recent support for self-acceptance as a character strength contributing to happiness and ﬂ ourishing.

The Strength of Self-Acceptance

As [Jesus] went out into the street, a man came running up, greeted him with great reverence, and asked, “Good Teacher, what must I do to get eternal life?” Jesus said, “Why are you calling me good? No one is good, only God.” (Mark 10:17,18) The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. (C.G. Jung) At 30 a man should know himself like the palm of his hand, know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures—be what he is. And, above all, accept these things. (Albert Camus) My deﬁ nition of success is total self acceptance. We can obtain all of the material possessions we desire quite easily, however, attempting to change our deepest thoughts and learning to love ourselves is a monumental challenge. (Victor Frankl) It’s not worth our while to let our imperfections disturb us always. (Henry David Thoreau) Our healthy individuals ﬁ nd it possible to accept themselves and their own nature without chagrin or complaint or, for that matter, even without thinking about the matter very much. (Abraham Maslow) When the individual perceives himself in such a way that no experience can be discriminated as more or less worthy of positive regard than any other, then he is experiencing unconditional positive self-regard. (Carl Rogers) I do not have intrinsic worth or worthlessness, but merely aliveness. I’d better rate my traits and acts, but not my totality or ‘self.’ I fully accept myself, in the sense that I know I have aliveness and I choose to survive and live as happily as possible, and with minimum needless pain. I require only this knowledge and this choice—and no other kind of self-rating. (Albert Ellis) We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. (Dalai Lama XIV) Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. When you accept yourself, the whole world accepts you. (Lao Tsu)

vii

Contents

Part I Theory and Research

Humanistic Psychology and Self-Acceptance ...... 3 Louis Hoffman, Abraham J. Lopez, and Michael Moats Self-Acceptance in Buddhism and Psychotherapy...... 19 Daniel David, Steven Jay Lynn, and Lama Surya Das Self-Acceptance and Christian Theology ...... 39 Stevan Lars Nielsen, Aurora Szentagotai, Oana A. Gavita, and Viorel Lupu The Value of a Human Being ...... 65 Albert Ellis (deceased) Psychologically Flexible Self-Acceptance ...... 73 Tami Jeffcoat and Steven C. Hayes Unconditional Positive Self-Regard ...... 93 Tom G. Patterson and Stephen Joseph Unconditional Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion ...... 107 Windy Dryden Self-Acceptance and Happiness ...... 121 Aurora Szentagotai and Daniel David Measuring and Characterizing Unconditional Self-Acceptance ...... 139 Martha J. Falkenstein and David A.F. Haaga

Part II Practice

Self-Acceptance in the Education and Counseling of Young People ...... 155 Michael E. Bernard, Ann Vernon, Mark Terjesen, and Robyn Kurasaki

ix x Contents

Self-Acceptance and the Parenting of Children ...... 193 Oana Alexandra Gavita, Raymond DiGiuseppe, and Daniel David Self-Acceptance and Successful Relationships ...... 215 Michael S. Broder Self-Acceptance in Women ...... 229 Monica O’Kelly Self-Acceptance and Chronic Illness ...... 247 Jennifer A. Gregg Self-Acceptance and Aging: Using Self-Acceptance as a Mediator of Change in CBT with Older People ...... 263 Ken Laidlaw

Index ...... 281 Contributors

Michael E. Bernard Melbourne Graduate School of Education , University of Melbourne , Melbourne , Australia Michael S. Broder International Institute for the Advanced Studies of Psycho- therapy and Applied Mental Health, Media Psychology Associates, Philadelphia , PA , USA Lama Surya Das Dzogchen Meditation Center of America , Los Angeles , CA , USA Daniel David Department of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, Babe ş-Bolyai University, Cluj-Napoca , Romania Department of Oncological Sciences, Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York, USA Raymond DiGiuseppe Department of Psychology, St. John’s University, New York, NY , USA Windy Dryden STaCS , Goldsmiths University of London , London , UK Albert Ellis (deceased) Albert Ellis Institute , New York , NY , USA Martha J. Falkenstein Department of Psychology , American University , Washington , DC , USA Oana A. Gavita Department of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy , Babeş-Bolyai University , Cluj-Napoca , Romania Jennifer A. Gregg Department of Psychology , San José State University , San Jose , CA , USA David A. F. Haaga Department of Psychology , American University , Washington , DC , USA S t e v e n C . H a y e s Department of Psychology , University of Nevada , Reno , NV , USA

xi xii Contributors

Louis Hoffman School of Psychology and Interdisciplinary Inquiry (Existential, Humanistic, and Transpersonal Psychology), Saybrook University, San Francisco, CA , USA Tami Jeffcoat Department of Psychology , University of Nevada , Reno , NV , USA Stephen Joseph School of Sociology and Social Policy, University of Nottingham , United Kingdom Robyn Kurasaki Department of Psychology , St. John’s University , New York , NY , USA Ken Laidlaw Clinical Psychology , University of Edinburgh , Edinburgh , UK Abraham J. Lopez School of Clinical Psychology, Saybrook University, San Francisco , CA , USA Viorel Lupu Iuliu Hatieganu University of Medicine and Pharmacy, Cluj-Napoca , Romania Steven Jay Lynn Department of Psychology , Binghamton University , Binghamton , NY , USA Michael Moats Zhi Mian International Institute of Existential-Humanistic Psychology , Monument , CO, USA Stevan Lars Nielsen Counseling and Psychological Services , Brigham Young University , Provo , UT , USA Monica O’Kelly School of Psychology and Psychiatry , Monash University , Clayton , VIC , Australia Tom G. Patterson Department of Psychology and Behavioural Sciences , Coventry University , Coventry , United Kingdom Aurora Szentagotai Department of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy , Babeş-Bolyai University , Cluj-Napoca , Romania Mark Terjesen Department of Psychology , St. John’s University , New York , NY , USA Ann Vernon Department of Educational Leadership, Counseling, and Post-Secondary Education, University of Northern Iowa, Cedar Falls, IA , USA Introduction to the Strength of Self-Acceptance: Theory, Theology and Therapy

The rationale for this book is the exploration of how different theologies (e.g., Christianity, Buddhism), psychological theories (humanistic, cognitive-behavioral), and therapies (e.g., REBT, CBT, ACT) view self-acceptance as a catalyst for the alleviation of emotional misery as well as an energizer supporting growth towards happiness and fulfi llment. The idea that self-acceptance can be a stimulus for personal change and development has a long history in Eastern and Western religion and culture as well as in psychological literature as propounded by Maslow, Rogers, Ellis as well as by “third wave” cognitive-behavioral and self-regulation approaches (e.g., Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 1999). Williams and Lynn (2010) have provided an in-depth historical and conceptual review of “acceptance” as Baumeister (1999) accomplished in his study of “self.” Self-acceptance as character strength has been left on the sidelines by some in the fi eld of positive psychology who have delimited positive character traits associated with happiness and well-being (see Peterson and Seligman, 2004, listing of 24 Character Strengths and Virtues). At the Second World Congress on Positive Psychology held in August 2011, Christopher Peterson and Michael Bernard (Editor) discussed self-acceptance. Christopher Petersen agreed that self- acceptance was a universal character strength that had been overlooked. To demonstrate his interest, he was to write the foreword to this book which due to his recent death has not been possible. A rationale for this book is also a desire to see self-acceptance recognized as an important character strength. The theological, philosophical, and psychological discourse that is expansively presented by contributors to this book and the extensive research history that includes the development of many scales of measurement speak the importance of the construct of self-acceptance. Moreover, self-acceptance meets a majority of the criteria outlined by Peterson and Seligman (2004) by which a human quality or characteristic qualifi es as a positive strength or virtue including: contributes to the individual’s fulfi llment, is morally valued, does not diminish other people in any way, occurs in a variety of situations and behaviors (trait), is distinct from other positive traits, is embodied in “consensual paragons” (stories, fables) and the extent of negative behavior when the quality is absent.

xiii xiv Introduction to the Strength of Self-Acceptance: Theory, Theology and Therapy

The term “self-acceptance” sounds simple but anyone trying to defi ne it learns that it is not. Generally, self-acceptance is conceptualized as an affi rmation or acceptance of self in spite of weaknesses or defi ciencies. However, there is vast difference of opinion as to what is the “self” that is being accepted and the nature of acceptance. While there is no scientifi c consensus concerning the defi ning attributes of “self,” there is some agreement that the self is wholistic including one’s characteristic traits, memories, thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors and that the self is fl uid over time. Baumeister and Bushman (2011) identify three components of self: (a) self-knowledge (self-awareness, self-concept, self-esteem, and self-deception), (b) social-self (relationships with others, social roles, group membership), and (c) agent self/executive function (decision making, self-management). The self has been described as a theory of our existence, an abstraction of who we are (e.g., Popper & Eccles, 1981 ). The issue of whether there is any benefi t or disadvantage to the human tendency to provide an overall evaluation of the complex, ever- changing self on a good-bad continuum is widely discussed in the self-acceptance literature. “Acceptance” is an equally challenging construct to defi ne. Etymologically, acceptance means the act of taking or receiving something willingly or favorably ( Webster’s Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary 1994). Williams and Lynn (2010, pp. 8–10) have illuminated fi ve different ways that acceptance has been described over the millennia: (a) nonattachment —accepting that objects of experience wax and wane, and that to allow them to come and go naturally is preferable to any attempts to control or retain them; (b) non-avoidance —refraining from pointless running away when no physical threat is present; (c) nonjudgment —a conscious abstention from the categorization of experience as good or bad, right or wrong, describing stimuli rather than evaluating stimuli; (d) tolerance—to be able to remain present and aware even when stimuli are frustrating or undesirable; (e) willingness— exercising a choice to have an experience. The acceptance literature has identifi ed two domains of acceptance—“self-acceptance” and “acceptance of others”—with theory and research pointing to the positive association between the two (e.g., Sheerer, 1949). In contemporary literature, self-acceptance involves a realistic, subjective, awareness of one’s strengths and weaknesses. Self-acceptance can be achieved by stopping criticizing and solving the defects of one’s self, and then accepting them to be existing within one’s self; that is, tolerating oneself to be imperfect in some parts (Shepard, 1979, p. 140). According to Hayes, Strosahl, Bunting, Twohig, and Wilson (2004, p. 7) “acceptance involves taking a stance of non-judgmental awareness and actively embracing the experience of thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as they occur.” Self-acceptance shares some elements in common with Roger’s (1951) positive self-regard and Neff’s (2003) self-compassion and her discussion of kindness to self; however, the explicit absence of self-evaluation in self-acceptance distinguishes the constructs. While self-esteem and self-acceptance are strongly correlated (e.g., Ryff, 1989), recent research and theorizing have suggested that it may be important to differenti- ate self-acceptance, as an aspect of psychological health, from high or favorable self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to how much one likes or values the self, is based on Introduction to the Strength of Self-Acceptance: Theory, Theology and Therapy xv congruence with personal standards or on comparisons with others (Coopersmith, 1967) and has been defi ned as a person’s global sense of worthiness and goodness (Rosenberg, 1965). Deci and Ryan (2000) distinguished between stable or trait and contingent or unstable (state) self-esteem. Trait self-esteem represents an overall evaluation of self-worth lasting over time involving a person’s attitudes towards themselves being self-determined and based on intrinsic motives. Contingent or state self-esteem refers to how good one feels about oneself at a particular moment in time based on temporarily meeting external, evaluative standards or conditions of worth. Crocker and Park (2004) argued that the pursuit of self- esteem is typically focused on state self-esteem instead of trait self-esteem. Individuals often try to experience positive affect by boosting their state self-esteem above trait levels and to avoid negative affect by not allowing their state self-esteem to fall below trait levels (Crocker & Park, 2011). Low levels of self-esteem (and self-acceptance) are associated with a variety of mental health problems (e.g., Crocker & Park, 2004; Swann, Chang-Schneider, & Larsen McClarty, 2007). High self-esteem, which can contribute to narcissism, a sense that one is great and more worthy than others, has been found to contribute to relationship problems and violent behavior (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, & Vohs, 2003). Self-acceptance has been argued as a healthier psychological attribute than self-esteem. At the forefront of the psychotherapeutic community arguing for the importance of self-acceptance to mental health and the pernicious effects of self-esteem has been Albert Ellis (e.g., Bernard, 2011; Bernard, Froh, DiGiuseppe, Joyce, & Dryden, 2010; Ellis, 1962, 2005). In The Myth of Self-Esteem, Ellis (2005) stated that self- acceptance is a single idea that can make you radically different in many ways and that you can choose to have it or not have it. Here are some things Ellis (2005, p. 34) has written about self-acceptance. “People’s estimation of their own value, or worth, is exceptionally important. If they seriously denigrate themselves or have a poor self-image, they will impair their normal functioning and make themselves miser- able in many signifi cant ways. When people do not value themselves very highly, innumerable problems arise. The individual’s judgment of his own value or worth has such an impact on his thoughts, emotions and actions, how is it possible to help people consistently appraise himself so that, no matter what kind of performance he achieves and no matter how popular or unpopular he is in relations with others, he almost always accepts or respects himself.” Here’s how Ellis proposed how to help people feel worthwhile: (a) defi ne yourself as a worthwhile person because you exist, because you are alive, and because of your individual character strengths and abilities that make up your uniqueness, accept yourself whether or not you achieve or people approve of you, accept yourself with your errors and do your best to cor- rect your past behavior and (b) don’t give any kind of global, generalized rating to yourself ; you only evaluate what you think, feel, and do. Of consequence to the study of self-acceptance is the distinction between conditional and unconditional self-acceptance. Rogers (e.g., 1957, 1995) described how children’s developing sense of self-acceptance is determined by the extent to which the love and approval received from their parents is conditional or unconditional. When children are raised where love is conditional upon their living up to parental xvi Introduction to the Strength of Self-Acceptance: Theory, Theology and Therapy expectations, they are more likely to judge themselves in terms of conditions of worth on which their self-valuation is contingent. That is, they are more likely to be self- evaluators basing their self-worth on the opinions of others or their achievements in different domains. In contrast, Ellis (1962) has argued that the tendency towards negative self-evaluation and depreciation has less to do with the environment children grow up in and more to do with the strength of their biological instinct towards irrationality. Without question, self-acceptance is a scientifi cally valid construct. Over the past century, a variety of measurement scales of self-acceptance have been developed, the more recent ones meeting standards of validity and reliability (e.g., Berger’s 1950 Expressed Acceptance of Self and Others Scale ; Gough’s 1957 California Psychological Inventory, Self-Acceptance Subscale ; Shostrom’s 1964 Personal Orientation Inventory, Self-Acceptance subscale; Ryff’s 1989 Scales of Psychological Well-Being, Self-Acceptance subscale; Chamberlain & Haaga’s 2001 Unconditional Self-Acceptance Questionnaire; Patterson and Joseph’s 2006 Scale of Unconditional Positive Regard). The fi eld has moved from measurement differentiation of self-acceptance from other-acceptance to an examination of the relationship to self-esteem and other related psychological constructs (e.g., self- compassion) associated with well-being. Recent scale development (e.g., Patterson & Joseph, 2006; see Bernard’s Child and Adolescent Survey of Positive Self- Acceptance appearing in this book in Bernard, Vernon, Terjesen, & Kurasaki, 2013) has focused on the self-evaluative and self-regard aspects of the construct of self- acceptance as well as the relationship of self-acceptance to positive dimensions of happiness and fulfi llment. Positive correlations of self-acceptance have been obtained with positive indicators of mental health and adjustment including leadership effectiveness (Denmark, 1973), happiness, life satisfaction, (Chamberlain & Haaga, 2001), and mindfulness (Thompson & Waltz, 2008). There are two major historical streams of infl uence on modern-day practice of self- acceptance therapies; one theological, and the other psychological (see Part I of this volume). As an example of the theological stream of infl uence, Christian scripture is used in therapy to teach Christian clients self-acceptance through the example of God and the lessons of Jesus Christ including how sin does not reduce human worth. There are also direct links from Buddhism to contemporary psychotherapy. The Buddhist notion of radical acceptance consisting of a willingness to experience and accept what- ever is taking place in the moment has been incorporated in the cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorders (Linehan, 1993, 1995). The other stream of infl uence is humanistic psychology rooted in the work of Maslow (1943), Rogers (1951) and May (1983) that has addressed in theory and therapeutic practice the primacy of self-acceptance including necessary and suffi cient conditions for change. The human potential for self-acceptance can be developed in therapy as well as in education though the therapeutic and educational processes (e.g., explicit instruc- tion; socratic/didactic disputing of self-depreciation; unconditional positive regard of therapist; mindfulness) varies depending on the prevailing conception of self- acceptance. Self-acceptance enhancement has become an essential ingredient to comprehensive programs for dealing with a variety of mental health issues that arise with children and adolescents, parenting, relationship diffi culties, women’s issues, Introduction to the Strength of Self-Acceptance: Theory, Theology and Therapy xvii chronic illness, and aging (see chapters in Part II of this volume). It has been successfully taught in life skills, social and emotional learning, rational-emotive education, and psycho-educational curricula to young people as part of school- based prevention and promotion of mental health programs (e.g., Bernard, 2007; Knaus, 1974; Vernon, 2006). An issue that remains to be resolved in the self-acceptance literature concerns the extent to which as Albert Ellis proposes self-acceptance is a cognitive process that due to its nonself-evaluative property is affectively neutral. That is, unconditional self-acceptance eliminates much emotional misery. However, the lack of any ele- ment of positive appreciation of aspects of self-inherent in Ellis’ view of unconditional self-acceptance may not engender pleasurable and positive emotions that result from positive self-evaluation. However, it can be argued that positive judg- ments of one who is based on intrinsic characteristics (not based on conditions of worth) is compatible with the absence of negative, global, self-evaluative ratings, and contributes to stable, positive affectivity. There is agreement among leading self-acceptance theorists from diverse back- grounds that self-acceptance needs to be accompanied by both individual determination to self-improve negative behavior that blocks individual goal attainment (happiness, long life) and a social conscience where one’s action not only do not interfere with the rights and interests of others, but also contribute to the general welfare of the broader community. Interesting questions remain to be answered in this fi eld. • Is the origin of self-acceptance biological or social? • Can self-acceptance be developed before the age of 7? • Is self-acceptance acquired as a result of aging? • Can self-acceptance only be achieved after needs for love and accomplishment have been fulfi lled? • Does acceptance of all aspects of experience equate with unconditional acceptance of self? • Is nonjudgment of self compatible with positive self-regard? • Does achieving your potential bring about self-acceptance or does self-acceptance allow for one to achieve one’s potential? • Is self-acceptance a mediator or an outcome? • How is self-acceptance best strengthened? • Does strengthening self-acceptance in education or counseling lead to concomi- tant increases in positive mental health or does self-acceptance activate other psychosocial processes that themselves promote positive outcomes? Finally, the authors of chapters in this book not only share in common an in- depth understanding of their fi eld but they also communicate a passion for the importance of self-acceptance as a strength of character that is foundational to the journey towards self-actualization, happiness, fulfi llment, enlightenment, and peace.

Melbourne , Australia Michael E. Bernard xviii Introduction to the Strength of Self-Acceptance: Theory, Theology and Therapy

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