Quentin Blake Exclusive cartoon and interview Page 19

Issue No 676 Friday April 25 2008 varsity.co.uk

The Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Stephen Hawking: we must go “to infinity and beyond”

wiped out most of the indigenous berg. “Robotic missions are much Joe Gosden population, Hawking advocated cheaper and may provide more Associate Editor the of placing colonies on both scientific information, but they the Moon and Mars as a prelude don’t catch the public imagina- On the basis that, had we not to colonising the planets around tion, and they don’t spread the discovered the New World in other stars. Calling for a massive human race into space, which I’m 1492, we might not “have a Big investment in funds to make such arguing should be our long-term Mac or KFC”, Stephen Hawking advances possible, Hawking ar- strategy,” Hawking said, adding has advocated a programme of gued that the world could quite that scientists must devise a new expansion in space exploration easily afford to devote 0.25 per propulsion system to take on a that should aim for “a base on the cent of global GDP to space ex- planetary hunt outside our Solar Moon by 2020 and a manned land- ploration, asking “isn’t our future System in 200 to 500 years. ing on Mars by 2030”. worth a quarter of a percent?” The Gonville and Caius College The speech, made to mark the The renowned scientist has pre- genius also gave three possible 50th anniversary of the founda- viously argued at length that, by reasons for why alien life has not tion of NASA, saw Hawkins liken establishing bases on planets oth- yet been found in the universe. our current understanding of the er than earth, mankind can insure Firstly, he suggested that any world in which we live to “Europe itself against the potentially cata- kind of life is very rare in space, before 1492”. Choosing to ignore strophic implications of either cli- secondly, that intelligent life is the minor detail that the Vikings mate change or nuclear war. even rarer, and thirdly, that in- actually beat Columbus to Amer- Hawking told the audience as- telligent life, where it does exist, ica by some 500 years, Hawking sembled at George Washington often destroys itself very quickly. went on to explain “people might University, Washington DC, that “Personally, I favour the second well have argued it was a waste the Moon would be an excellent possibility, that primitive life is of money to send Columbus on a place to start because it is “close relatively common, but that intel- wild goose chase, yet the discov- by and relatively easy to reach.” ligent life is very rare,” he said. He added, “the Moon could be a “Some would say it has yet to oc- base for travel to the rest of the cur on earth.” solar system.” The fifth planet Hawking was born on January » in the solar system, Mars, would 8, 1942 to Frank Hawking, a re- be “the next obvious target” for search biologist. Always interest- 2020 colonisation because of the co- ed in science, he enrolled at Uni- Year hawking sets for pious presence of frozen water versity College, Oxford with the colonisation of moon and the possibility that life may intent of studying mathematics, have existed on the planet at but soon switched to Physics. Af- some point in the past. Arguing ter receiving his BA degree at Ox- that “if the human race is to con- ford University in 1962, he stayed tinue for another million years, to study astronomy before leav- we will have to boldly go where ing for Trinity Hall, Cambridge. no one has gone before”, Hawk- Almost as soon as he arrived at » ing criticised the slow progress Cambridge, he started developing 0.25 of NASA’s plans for human land- symptoms of amyotrophic lateral Percentage of global GDP ings on Mars, which will only be sclerosis which would cost him which Hawkings says should be implemented in the early 2030s. the loss of almost all neuromus- devoted to space exploration He explained that modern space cular control. At the celebration explanation needed goals to give of his 65th birthday on January it the sense of purpose that Presi- 8, 2007, Hawking announced his ery of the new world made a pro- dent Kennedy’s Moon target did plans for a zero-gravity flight in Ja s on Taylor found difference to the old”. in the 1960s. 2007 to prepare for a sub-orbital Choosing to ignore the other, Hawkins also said it was im- spaceflight in 2009 on Virgin Ga- somewhat inconvenient histori- portant that humans took part lactic’s space service. Billionaire John’s Punt Society publishes cal truth that, when the Spanish in space exploration, rather than Richard Branson pledged to pay landed in the Americas, the dis- relying on robots, a view shared all expenses for the flight, which guide to punting eases that they bought with them by Nobel laureate Steven Wein- cost him an estimated £100,000. » Page 6 Debate Restaurant Interview Should the world step in to James Quaife’s final review - Britain’s first female porn director explains save Zimbabwe? traditional eatery DragonDragon why feminists should embrace the adult industry » Page 10 » Page 18 » Page 21 News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Power Sayeed, and Isabel Shapiro Friday April 25 2008 2 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

In Brief Prince donates £8m to Testosterone traders

Cambridge scientists have shown that city traders with higher tes- tosterone levels can expect to open new Islamic Centre earn more. Dr John Coates and Professor Joe Herbert measured annual instalments, would form a Craig Hogg testosterone levels in traders at Fund whose income would enable a City of London bank and found a range of developments in the that those traders with higher A Saudi Arabian Prince is to do- new Centre. testosterone levels in the morning nate £8 million for a new Islamic There will be a particular focus were most likely to make money on centre at the University. on the role of Islam in the United the day’s trading. One trader hit a Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal, who Kingdom and on media perception six-day “winning streak” and made has an estimated £15 billion for- of the faith. It will also augment more than double his daily profit, tune, plans to make the donation Cambridge’s existing strength in during which time his testosterone to fund a centre in his name for the field by attracting leading Is- levels went up by 74%. But Coates the study of the role of Islam in lamic academics to the city, pro- suggested that there comes a point the Middle East and globally. moting the subject through semi- when traders have too much testo- If the University’s plans are nars and publications. sterone and start to take irrational approved, the cash will be used In recent years the Prince, risks. This is when the bubble to establish the HRH Prince Al- known for his wide range of phil- bursts and the market crashes. “I waleed Bin Talal Centre of Islam- anthropic activities worldwide, think this molecule is partly re- ic Studies. It would replace the has made a number of donations sponsible for financial instability”, University’s existing Centre of to academic institutions. He in- he said. Coates also suggested that Middle Eastern and Islamic Stud- vested £10 million to establish firms should employ more women centres at Harvard University in and older men to reduce the influ- Cambridge, Massachusetts, and ence of hormonally charged young Georgetown in Washington. He males. “Last year, he also agreed to finance the con- struction of a new Islamic wing sectors, including banking, the in his desire to spread knowl- From Russia with love became the first at the Louvre Museum in Paris. media and leisure industries”. He edge about Islam, Professor van person to buy an Closer to home, the Institute of bought the Savoy Hotel in Lon- de Ven said, “I do believe that A Cambridge professor has been Arab and Islamic Studies at the don for an estimated £200 mil- Prince Alwaleed is genuine in his awarded a Grand Gold Medal by Airbus A380 Super- University of Exeter received a lion in 2005. Last year, he became commitment about promoting a the Russian Academy of Science. £1 million endowment from the the first person to buy an Airbus better understanding of Islam in Professor Simon Franklin, Head of jumbo for use as a Prince. A380 Superjumbo for use as a pri- the West and, importantly, vice the Department of Slavonic Stud- private jet” Talal, nephew of King Abdullah vate jet. versa. He has [already] estab- ies, won the Lomonosov Medal of Saudi Arabia, learnt the basics Professor Hans van de Ven, lished American Studies Centres for “outstanding work on the of commerce at Menlo College, in Chairman of the Faculty of Asian at the American University of ethno-political and cultural his- San Francisco, in the seventies. and Middle Eastern Studies, said, Beirut and the American Univer- tory of Russia and the significant ies, and be sited at the Sidgwick He made his fortunes after in- “Islamic Studies at Cambridge sity of Cairo.” contribution to the study of early Avenue campus. vesting millions of dollars in the badly needs this boost of fund- The donation has been met with Russian written culture and early The new program will build on then struggling Citibank. ing. There is enormous student praise by the University who de- Russian literature.” The medal, Cambridge’s strong commitment The 53 year old prince is de- and scholarly interest in Islamic scribed the donation as a: “most named after Russian scientist and to the study of the religious tra- scribed by the University as “a Studies which this donation will generous benefaction”. polymath Mikhail Lomonosov, has ditions of the world. The benefac- leading international business- help us meet.” Asked whether he been awarded each year since 1959 tion, which would be paid in four man with global interests in many believed the Prince was sincere for outstanding achievements in the natural sciences and the hu- manities by the USSR Academy of Sciences. Only two of these medals are handed out annually, and only one to a non-Russian citizen. Pro- Student found Caius don arrested on fessor Franklin, of Clare College, said, “It still feels unreal; it came as a complete surprise to me.” dead at Newnham child porn charges Evolutionary thinking Varsity Reporter Ms Ogden’s death has come as a Varsity Reporter department, was first arrested The University have made more the huge shock to all who knew her at on suspicion of the offences at 90,000 pages of manuscripts, field the University. his home address in June 2007 notes, photographs and sketches A student at Newnham College In an email to students, Newn- A fellow at Gonville and Caius and later charged on March 18th connected with Charles Darwin has been found dead in her lodg- ham Senior Tutor Dr Terri Apter College has appeared at Cam- of this year. He has been on spe- available online. The documents ings. informed them that “we have just bridge Magistrate’s Court after cial leave from Gonville and Caius and images are part of the Darwin It has been ascertained that been given the very sad news that allegations of possessing, making, College since the beginning of Online project, which claims to be Miriam Ogden, a 23 year old med- tragically Miriam Ogden has been and distributing child pornogra- this academic year. the largest Darwin bibliography ical student in her fifth year at found dead in her lodgings.” She phy. A University spokesperson con- and manuscript catalogue created, was keen to assert that “there do Dr Nicholas Hammond, Uni- firmed that the College had been and includes the original version of not appear to be any suspicious versity Reader in Early Modern notified at the time of Hammond’s his theory of evolution. A spokes- circumstances.” French Theatre and Thought, was arrest in June 2007, almost a year person said, “The vast collection “Miriam was On behalf of the College, Dr Ap- charged with 15 counts of making ago. He also said that the course includes his first recorded doubts ter offered her condolences to Ms indecent pictures of children, two of action decided upon in re- about the permanence of species. an outstanding Ogden’s friends and family. She counts of distributing pictures sponse to the arrest and charging It also contains his wife Emma’s student, colleague said, “Miriam was an outstand- and one further count of pos- of college staff is undertaken “at recipe book, with delicacies such as ing student, colleague and friend, sessing more than one thousand the college’s discretion”. The Col- Ilkley pudding.” Many of the items and friend who who has contributed a great deal photographs and 22 pornographic lege has refused to comment, but were previously available only to during her time at Cambridge. videos at the hearing, which took Sir Christopher Hum, Master of scholars with access to the Cam- contributed a great She will be greatly missed. Our place at the Magistrate’s Court Gonville and Caius, has confirmed bridge University Library. thoughts are with her family and on April 3rd. At this preliminary that Hammond is currently tak- deal during her friends.” She added, “As a mark hearing, Hammond entered no ing “a leave of absence” from the time at Cambridge” of respect we have naturally can- plea either way. The trial has been College. Meanwhile, all students celled Formal Hall this evening.” were informed of the issue in an Dr Diana F Wood, the Director email sent by the Senior Tutor of Medical Education at the Uni- earlier this month. the all female College, died dur- versity Clinical School where Ms “Hammond’s In his role as Director of Stud- ing the early hours of Wednesday Ogden was a fifth year student, ies at Gonville and Caius College, 52 Trumpington Street students stress that Cambridge CB2 1RG morning. said, “this is a tragic loss. Miriam Hammond is a very well liked and A statement issued by the was a much-loved student who he is innocent until respected figure. Students have FREE CHELSEA BUN Cambridgeshire Constabulary played an active role in medical told Varsity that they will be With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop confirmed that “officers were school life. She will be very much proven guilty” sticking by their DoS, and stress OR called to the sudden death of a missed by students and staff in that “he is innocent until proven FREE MORNING 23 year old woman at a property the clinical school. Our thoughts guilty.” As a specialist in seven- in Marmora Road, Cambridge, are with her parents and family adjourned until May 15th for the teenth-century French thought COFFEE/TEA just before 1am on Wednesday at this difficult time.” committal hearing at Cambridge and theatre, he has also been a (9am-12pm) With any cake or pastry in the restaurant morning.” It also stated that “the A spokesperson from the Uni- Crown court. Until then, Ham- very valuable and popular mem- death is not thought to be suspi- versity was unable to comment mond has been granted uncondi- ber of the MML department. He on presentation of this voucher cious.” The police are no longer further on the circumstances of tional bail. has published books on Pascal, and proof of student status involved but the circumstances of Ms Ogden’s death until a Coro- Hammond, who teaches at the D’Aubignac, and 17th-century the death remain unexplained. ner’s Court report is released. Modern and Medieval Languages French literature. Friday April 25 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 3 Clegg’s Conservative past » Cambridge University Conservative Association claims Lib Dem leader as former member

Martin McQuade ship for just £4, given his previ- least chequered of recent times. Senior Reporter ous annual membership of the so- Former leader Charles Kennedy ciety. Mr. Clegg has yet to reply. was forced to resign over allega- Clegg’s University friend and tions of alcoholism, as was mar- Leader of the Liberal Democrat confidant Malcolm Gaskill, now ried MP Mark Oaten, only this Party Nick Clegg has been ex- a leading authority on the his- time after his penchant for rent posed as an active member of the tory of witchcraft, claims it was boys was exposed by a former Cambridge University Conserva- most likely the ladies who drew male lover. Neither is Clegg the tive Association during his time Clegg to CUCA. “The prospect first CUCA member to go on to as a student at Robinson. of attending good drinks par- represent another party in par- The revelation came from ties and meeting posh girls ap- liament; former CUCA chair- former CUCA chairman and fellow pealed to my nineteen year old man Tam Dalyell represented la- Robinson alumnus Greg Hands. self, which may well be why bour from 1962 through to 2005. Whilst reading through docu- Nick joined as well”, he said. It is not Nick’s burning politi- ments of past CUCA membership Nicknamed “Cleggover” by cal ambition but rather his skill details, Hands, now Conservative the tabloid press after his ad- treading the boards that fellow MP for Hammersmith, found evi- mission in a GQ interview with students remember best. “I don’t dence of an annual subscription Piers Morgan that he had slept remember that he was ever es- paid by an “N. Clegg” in 1986-87. with “no more than” 30 women, pecially politically orientated”, A spokesman for the MP has Clegg will see this as the latest claims one contemporary. “He al- issued a statement saying, “Nick in a long line of embarrassing ways seemed more interested in is one hundred per cent adamant revelations about his past, in- the theatre. Nick was a brilliant that this is not true.” But Hands cluding his time spent perform- actor”. Clegg’s party will probably has urged Clegg to “come clean, ing community service in Munich be hoping that any more revela- and move on”, adding that “there’s after drunkenly setting fire to a tions of his “acting up” at Univer- nothing to be ashamed of in hav- greenhouse full of priceless cacti. sity will be few and far between. ing been a member of CUCA.” The Lib Dems, of course are no Standing CUCA chairman Mike strangers to controversy, with Morley of Trinity College has Clegg’s past being one of the written to Clegg inviting him to

“there’s nothing to be ashamed of in having been a CUCA chairman Mike Morley (left) brandishes the member of CUCA” evidence of Nick Clegg’s (right) membership in 1986-87. But the Liberal Democrat leader “is one rejoin the association, offering hundred per cent adamant “reduced price tickets to our so- that this is not true”. cial events, including the May week garden party and termly chairman’s dinner, as well as speakers Stanley Johnson and Lord Blackwell”, even offering to upgrade him to life member- Admissions Office launches new price comparison website

Michael Stothard mate their fi nancial eligibility to that Cambridge offers represent attend the University. The Trust’s the investment of signifi cant sums research revealed that “alarming over the years. The existence of A quiz has been launched by the misconceptions about Oxbridge” these resources has led, in some Cambridge Admissions Offi ce with are shared by secondary school cases, to the notion that the uni- the objective of dispelling myths teachers, 56% of whom believe Ox- versity must be an expensive place and misconceptions about the fi - bridge to be more expensive than at which to study and live.” The Win prizes for nancial costs of a Cambridge de- other universities. A Cambridge assumption of unaffordability has gree. University spokesperson explained become particularly widespread Eight questions, available on that “the outstanding resources in certain state schools, contribut- winning arguments the University’s website, ing to their under-repre- challenge prospective stu- sentation in applications dents to estimate the cost to Oxbridge. “In fact”, of living, tuition fees and said the spokesperson, Win: availability of bursaries in “the opposite is the case: comparison to other insti- Cambridge is able to of- tutions. In all three meas- fer substantial support MacBook Air ures, Cambridge fares well: to its students, especial- tuition fees (£3,145) show ly those from less well- iPhone little deviation from the off backgrounds.” national standard, and with The online admissions iPod Touch guaranteed college housing test represents part of throughout the degree and the University’s wider practically no expense from efforts to broaden access iPod public transport during to Cambridge. By tar- term time, a degree from geting potential candi- Cambridge can in fact prove dates who are currently cheaper than elsewhere. discouraged by infl ated The admissions initiative perceptions of the cost follows the Sutton Trust’s The online quiz will dispel of Cambridge, the Uni- More at: discovery that many poten- myths about the cost of a versity hopes to better tial applicants overestimate fulfi l its mission to “at- debatewise.com/competition the economic undertaking Cambridge education tract and admit the best of study at Cambridge and applicants, irrespective subsequently underesti- of background”. Andrew Gilligan, Former News Reporter

Prince of Wales Former Contributor ?

Michael Winner Who Next Former Editor

Join the Varsity Michaelmas Team because only the best will do. Applications for posts on the Varsity team in Michaelmas Term 2008 are now invited. See www.varsity.co.uk/jobs for more information. Applications to be Editor or a Section Editor for the May Week issue (out on June 20th 2008) are also invited. Closing date for all applications 5th May 2008

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Varsityprofile » Adrienne Cameron

scale selling marshmallows at mar- isabel shapiro ket stalls and playing it safe with the classic rose and vanilla varieties, but » Adrienne Cameron first moved to she has since branched out and her Cambridge from Melbourne, Aus- range now includes an impressive 18 2000 tralia in 1995 to study for a doctor- flavours, from Mexican Mocha to the ate in Early Modern German His- best-selling Raspberry Tang. marshmallows produced every tory at Clare Hall. While Adrienne can still be found week Since then, after years work- in the Market square every week- ing as a corporate developer, her end, her business is rapidly expand- career took on a sweeter note ing and she is looking to find a com- when she got into the confection- mercial kitchen and a trained artisan ary business, bringing her back to confectioner from Europe. Despite Cambridge where she now sells still working from home, Adrienne supplies the prestigious London re- » tailer Fortnum and Mason who mar- keted the gourmet marshmallows as 17 “the margarita different flavours developed part of their recent re-launch. to date marshmallow is Since starting the stall in Cam- bridge two months ago Adrienne going down a storm” has found many regular cus- tomers and she has tapped into the student clientele with some marshmallows in the market every boozier delights – currently the Sunday. Her interest in confec- margarita marshmallow is go- » tionary was born out of a longing ing down a storm. Adrienne is for the “rocky road” sweet, an old extremely protective over the £50 ozzy favourite which had no Brit- recipes, seeing them as her “intel- worth of m\arshmallows up for ish commercial equivalent. lectual property”, and explaining grabs for cambridge student After years of spoiling her sweet- that confectionary is ‘somewhere toothed friends and family with her between an art and a science’, culinary concoctions, Adrienne “mar- but she is always open to sugges- ried her personal interest in con- tions for future flavour combina- fectionary with her business head” tions. In fact, she has promised and in November 2006 she started £50 worth of marshmallows to the » her company Bags of Delights after student whose idea for a Cam- testing tastes in regional markets bridge-themed confection makes 2 over the previous 12 months. The it through to production. Duck fla- months in the marshmallow enterprise started out on a small voured marshmallow, anyone? business

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News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Power Sayeed and Isabel Shapiro Friday April 25 2008 6 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news ‘Migration fund’ to sponsor John’s publish police translation costs arise from a need for more provision, Their statement said, “If you or your punting manual Olly West and not from a signifi cant rise in crime family or friends travel abroad this levels, is supported by the situation summer, to countries where you do Martin McQuade looking like a professional won’t The Cambridgeshire police force of other public services, and notably not speak the language, and fi nd come easy. Senior Reporter is to benefi t from a government those of health and education. Indeed, yourself involved in their public serv- “Punting is simple once you know “migration fund”. education is an issue of particular con- ices – perhaps as witnesses or victims how but until then it can be embar- The constabulary have welcomed cern: it was reported this week that of a road traffi c accident – hope that With May week approaching rassing”, says Aeron Preston, who Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s as- 95 different languages are spoken in their legal and health services have fast and an increasing number of helped edit the guide. “I know be- surance that police chiefs will have Cambridgeshire classrooms. the same commitment as the Chief Cantabrigians taking to the Cam cause on my second attempt I ended access to a £15m-a-year fund aimed at Bethan Rees, manager of the coun- Constable of Cambridgeshire.” aboard the river’s infamously up in the water in front of a load of topping up public services in areas of cil’s Cambridgeshire Race Equality Mrs Spence’s calls appear to diffi cult-to-master form of water tourists taking pictures. It doesn’t rapid population growth. and Diversity Service (CREDS), ech- have now been answered, although transport, St John’s punting soci- get more humiliating.” Last year, Cambridgeshire’s Chief oed Julie Spence’s calls for extra mon- specifi cities remain unclear. She ety have come to the fore and pro- This may be the last term that Constable Julie Spence hit the na- ey. She said, “There is never enough said, “The Home Secretary is look- vided a helpful guide to preventing students at the University have tional headlines for controversial funding available. We could do with ing to set up a migration transition punting peril. the opportunity to enjoy an in- comments on the problems caused by double what we get, but Cambridge- fund to look at how we deal with a The illustrated manual, available dependently operated river tour, the number of foreign workers living shire is not very well funded.” sudden surge of immigration in an to view on the society’s webpage, with a large number of “mobilers” in the area, which BBC home affairs The Chartered Institute of Lin- area. We do not know yet what the takes the aspiring punter from mov- going out of business as a result correspondent Andy Tighe described guists also supported the Chief Con- fund is going to look like but the ing off in a punt through to the com- of the new waterways regulation, at the time as “unusual”. stable’s claims and is keen to ensure Home Offi ce wants to consult us on plexities of steering the boat - a feat branded anti-competitive by many The “migration fund” will help that immigrants are receiving a fair how they distribute money to miti- said to be particularly challenging of the smaller operators, who claim with rising translation costs, for deal from British public services. gate the impact.” for arts students, who are advised to that Scudamores will be the only which the Cambridgeshire con- consult “a local engineer about the operator left if current council stabulary faces a £1m bill, following moments of inertia”. Most impor- legislation is carried out fully. Tim Spence’s assertion that the force was tantly, the guide offers advice as to Campbell, who heads a campaign being “short-changed”. The county how best avoid looking like a tourist to try and save the independent claims to have received 50% of the or worse, an Oxford student. punters, argues that “regulation recent infl ow of Polish migrants and With the potential hazards in- bans the mooring of independent has the fastest-growing migrant cluding splinters, drenched chinos punts at Jesus green, and imposes population in Britain. or simply a bruised ego, the guide stringent limits on the activities Much of this is due to Peterbor- will come in handy for those fl ock- of mobilers, so there may not be ough’s position as a centre of the ing to the river this term, though many left this time next year.” food-processing industry, a major employer of the migrant population, and the high number of farming- related employers based in Cam- Top four punting tips bridgeshire who are actively seek- ing Eastern European workers in Make sure you stand at the raised part at the back of the order to cover labour shortages. punt – not the front, that’s how they do it at the other However, a report carried out by 1 place. the Association of Chief Police Of- fi cers (ACPO) has found that there has been no rise in crime rates re- When you drop the pole, it’s easiest to always do it on the lated to the recent surge in migrant same side: whilst you could try and alternate from side to workers, thus dispelling one of the 2 side, it won’t work very well (it’ll just make you hit alter- commonly held misconceptions sur- rounding immigration. nate banks of the river). Grahame Maxwell, the ACPO’s spokesman on migration, agrees Push it the right way each time, and it cancels out any with Mrs Spence’s sentiments re- overall turning effect (If you watch a professional punter, garding the need for more funding. Chief Constable 3 He said, “There was agreement that Julie Spence made you can sometimes see them doing this), and generally the issues arising from immigration, for headlines when she less you steer the better. policing as much as for other public complained about the services, relate more to effective problems caused by If the people in the punt sit nearer to the middle, it’s much service provision rather than direct foreign workers impacts on crime levels.” easier to steer.

CAMBRIDGE NEWS CAMBRIDGE 4 The assertion that the problems

LIMITED SPECIAL OFFER TWO TICKETS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE Raymond Gubbay presents www.raymondgubbay.co.uk Oxford proctors turn to Facebook THE RUSSIAN STATE OPERA OF SIBERIA for incriminating evidence

Caedmon Tunstall-Behrens available material.” It was disgusting.” MADAM BUTTERFLY Martin McCluskey, President of Students have also questioned SUN 4 MAY AT 7.30PM - MON 5 MAY AT 3.00PM & 7.30PM the Oxford University Student Un- how the money collected by the Sung in Italian with English surtitles ion, has urged students to change University from the fi nes is used. Proctors at Oxford University are the privacy settings on their Fa- Whilst the University states that fi ning students for misbehaviour, cebook profi les to avoid further “the fi nes collected each year go to- using photographic evidence of “spying” from proctors. The Union wards a good cause within the Uni- rule-breaking gathered from Fa- has also set up the Facebook group versity”, the Student Union claims cebook. “We believe Facebook should that the amount collected in the Following complaints of antiso- stand up to Oxford University.” last year rose by 465% to £11,065. cial behaviour amongst students The group’s webpage lists the The Union has also complained that from University staff and mem- Facebook membership terms and fi nes are issued without justifi ca- bers of the public, proctors made conditions which it feels have been tion for the sum demanded, and is the decision to browse students’ breached by the University. therefore asking that the Proctor’s profi les in order to identify those Fines are issued mainly in re- Offi ce produce a schedule of fi nes who have breached University sponse to post-examination cel- and charges so that students are A FULL TOURING COMPANY OF 90 CAST AND ORCHESTRA rules. Emails which cite links to ebrations. Festivities, which in- aware of the sum they will have to WITH STAR SOLOISTS FROM THE BOLSHOI OPERA incriminating photos on Facebook clude “trashing” other students by pay for various offences. are then sent to students to impose spraying them with champagne, Speaking about Cambridge’s Box Office 01223 357 851 fi nes ranging from £80 to £500. foam, eggs and fl our, are said to own approach to disciplinary meth- Book online www.cornex.co.uk A statement issued by the Uni- have got rather out of hand in re- ods, a University spokesman said, versity defended its use of the so- cent years. One Oxford student “We use the normal way, that is, SPECIAL OFFER 2 TICKETS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE * cial networking site as a means of said of last year’s activities, “it the tutorial system, and so have no Enjoy two tickets for the price of one on the top two ticket prices for selected performances of Madam Butterfly. monitoring antisocial behaviour. was mayhem. People were throw- need to resort to Facebook.” An- Standard Ticket Prices (3pm - Matinee) - £30.00 £27.00 (7.30pm - Evening) - £34.00 £31.00 It said, “Proctors took the steps ing things and spraying cham- other said, “We wouldn’t encour- Call the Box Office now on 01223 357 851 quoting "Puccini Offer" when booking. available to them to identify and pagne everywhere. There was age using Facebook for vetting All tickets must be booked by Wednesday 30 April discipline the culprits. Where the quite a bit of mess - I saw some purposes.” * Conditions: This offer applies to the top 2 ticket prices on Monday 5th May only. Offer is subject to availability University Proctors used evidence people running round with a pig’s Oxford University proctors were and is not available to book online. Offer closes 30 April 2008. from Facebook it was only publicly head, putting it in peoples’ faces. unavailable for comment. Friday April 25 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 7 ‘I’m never coming back to this horrible place ever again’ » ARU respond to YouTube complaint by sending the critic home

couldn’t have been better”. ARU have objected to comments from Sugai and others about ARU’s Chancellor, businessman and Con- servative donor Lord Ashcroft, which suggest that Lord Ashcroft’s job was “cushy” as a result of the large sums he had donated to the University in the past. On March 17, Sugai received a let- ter from ARU offi cials asking her to remove the allegations within 48 hours or face suspension. The com- ments were not removed and Sugai Robinson was suspended for “serious unfound- ed allegations against a senior mem- Waiter for later ber of staff”. After three weeks she Naomi Sugai relented, commenting on the Youtube Exotic turned erotic for one rev- complained about page, “unfortunately ARU are trying eller at a friend’s fancy-dress the poor organisation to take legal action against me for party. Having polished off a of her course on a “defamatory” comments written on three-course feast, our flamin- YouTube video here and on my Facebook group so I go-clad heroine was left feeling will have to delete any comments that hungry - and went off in search could be construed as “defamatory” of some extra nosh. Fifteen min- even if it is not me that has written utes later, however, when some them. I guess there is no such thing as fellow guests chose to retire freedom of speech anymore…I want to another room, they opened to fi nish this course as soon as I can the door only to discover their and then I am NEVER coming back feathered-friend not waiting for Richard Power Sayeed that some students were forced to plaints that get made as they get to this horrible place ever again.” them, but on her knees begging News Editor choose between regularly missing registered with the OIA (Offi ce of Sugai said that her suspension, for a protein supplement from a lectures and leaving their jobs. She Independent Adjudicator for higher which took place over her Easter waiter. As one old proverb goes, claimed that the University even education) and it makes them look holidays, was “more of a symbolic they may have pissed on her pa- An Anglia Ruskin MA student study- misled students about the length of bad”. The University has denied that scare tactic”, and that she removed rade, but at least they didn’t shit ing a £4,750-a-year management the course, which “was advertised as its complaints procedures is unclear the comments when the University on her floor. course was suspended and threat- being a year long, but is actually year and claims that “all the criticisms that threatened her with legal action. ened with legal action after she com- and a semester”. Sugai said that the were raised were discussed with her She said, “it is pure censorship and Trinity plained about ineffi cient administra- problems with the course had caused and her students group, and solutions I cannot believe it”. Asked whether tion at ARU. her to come close to “mental break- put in place.” she was worried that she might be In February, Naomi Sugai added a down”. Most of the dozens of comments undermining her course, the value of Piss artist video to YouTube complaining about When she tried to lodge a formal left by those who watched the her qualifi cations, and the University the poor organisation of her course complaint about her course, Sugai YouTube video are supportive of generally, Sugai argued, “it’s good A foppish vintner was celebrat- and encouraging other ARU students claims she found further evidence of Sugai, and feature similar complaints for other unis to see that someone ing another successful evening to post videos detailing any similar poor organisation. She told Varsity about ARU courses. A viewer called complains publicly and they’re doing of wining and dining a group of experiences in order “to gather some that complaints procedures were un- twat1986 wrote, “ARU are amaz- something publicly. I want it be a good ladies of leisure when the vol- evidence to take this case to trading clear, that she was given incorrect ingly disorganised. Some of the course for me and other people in the ume of liquid fun he’d ingested standards”. The video, which has forms by Anglia Ruskin Students’ course material seemed to have been future.” Bobby6142, writing on the overwhelmed him, and he fell to been viewed over 5,000 times, alleg- Union and that she had to wait three made by a fi ve year old.” However, YouTube wall, disagreed. “Basically earth in a secluded corner of an es false advertising on the part of the weeks before she could speak to an some viewers are less impressed by what Naomi has done here with all exclusive ‘gentlemen’s’ club. So University. Sugai also complained administrator about her concerns. Sugai’s complaints, and criticise her this bad publicity is shit on everyone far, so peaceful...until his rowdy that classes were cancelled and time- Sugai claims that ARU “try and use of YouTube to air her grievances. involved! Well done, I hope you’ve en- companions noticed his state of tables changed without warning, so minimise the number of formal com- Imhappy08 claims, “my experience joyed your tantrum!” he said. hibernation, began to listen to their own heaving bladders and put two and two together, sprin- kling the result all over his sleep- ing form. He awoke several hours later, drenched in salty liquid goodness, and with an unaccount- Cambridge scientists discover the global able urge to go to the loo. Oxford migration pattern of the infl uenza virus Brown sauce Kevin Koo a marker to track the evolution of when data from these climate return. Acting as a kind of evolu- the virus on a global scale. Analy- zones were interpreted together, tionary graveyard, Europe, Oce- A blast from the past from our Science Editor sis of the distribution of different the scientists found a predictable ania, and the Americas play host friends at the other place. The strains of the virus around the pattern of migration. The varia- to the new strains for one fl u sea- Oxonion protagonist, on his way A team of Cambridge scientists world revealed how genetically tion in rainy and dry seasons in son, after which the virus dies out. back from a night on the razz, felt have identifi ed the travel pat- related the strains were; the more Instead of re-circulating within an unforeseen turtle peeking out terns of infl uenza virus A (H3N2), related the strains, the greater the population between epidem- from its cavity. Without facilities the most common cause of the sea- the likelihood of seasonal migra- ics, the virus fails to persist, as in sight, however, and fearing the sonal fl u. tion. Despite early fi ndings that Epidemiologists observed in a decreased number slippery amphibian might make a Killing an estimated half million new viral strains tend to emerge of HA variants. break for it, he made a dash for people each year, the virus infects fi rst in Asia, a long-standing ques- claim that these These findings will help global his digs, forcing the critter back one in six people worldwide and tion caught the attention of the health experts predict flu out- in its shell with a free hand. On undergoes frequent genetic trans- researchers: are fl u epidemics the fi ndings will help breaks with greater accuracy. arriving back, a flight of stairs formations that complicate vac- result of viruses persisting and Immunization efficacy may also presented a formidable challenge cination efforts. Reporting in the mutating locally or of new viral health experts benefit because flu vaccines must - and he recorded his stumbling journal Science, Colin A. Russell strains ‘seeding’ regions outside predict fl u outbreaks be updated each year to provide progress with a series of stained in the Department of Zoology and their origin? defense against new viral strains. handprints. On realising that the his colleagues have found that the The results of the study dem- with greater Given this new research, select- turtle had all but become a snake, genetic variants of the infl uenza A onstrate that the seeding hypoth- ing which strains to include in he made a dash for the shower, virus originate in east and south esis is a stronger fi t to the data. accuracy. the vaccine could be facilitated leaving behind a surprise for his east Asia before spreading to Eu- Inter-epidemic strains, which are by testing the latest circulating friends in the morning, as well rope, Oceania, and the Americas. found outside the peak of seasonal strains in Asia. Epidemiologists as for the unfortunate owner of Infl uenza A virus contains a pro- fl u, do not show greater genetic can take advantage of such mod- a nearby volume, which he used tein called hemagglutinin (HA) resemblance to the previous local different parts of Asia results in a els to improve surveillance and as a handy wipe. Lest there be that induces a defense response in epidemic than externally circu- staggered onset in fl u epidemics, reduce mortality. Research by any question as to the perpetra- the human immune system and is lating strains. Neither temper- which allows the virus to circulate the scientists continues to collect tor of this crime, the culprit left also a hotspot of genetic mutation. ate nor tropical regions in Asia and evolve year-round. However, data and test more precise meas- a trail of sticky footprints, which Sequencing HA samples from 2002 exhibit a stronger link to strains once the virus travels away from ures for influenza and other infec- led shakily to his door. to 2007, the scientists used HA as that had persisted over time. Yet this hotbed, it does not appear to tious diseases. Something to say? Friday April 25 2008 8 EDITORIAL&LETTERS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Le t t e r s [email protected]

O Filmmaker, Where Art Thou? Smith, and other private filmmaking endeav- ours which would be too numerous to list Sir, here in full. Cinecam also works closely with Futureshorts, one of the leading and most Issue 676, 25 April 2008 Cinecam, the Cambridge filmmaking society, innovative short film labels in the UK. was on the receiving end of an impassioned But despite our best efforts Cinecam has tirade in Lent Term’s final issue of Varsity. faced problems time and time again. This is Ravi Amaratunga, in his article ‘Lights, partly due to mistakes the society has made, CUCA’nt be serious Camera, Inaction’ (Issue 675) spoke of crisis and partly due to the apparently very limited regarding the fate of the Cambridge film- interest from students. Where are the film- CUCA have usefully uncovered Nick Clegg’s ‘secret’ history as a member of their maker. He is right in a certain respect: he makers? Why are we struggling to get people involved? The last 48hours competition was Association during his time at Cambridge. The ecstatic Chairman celebrated the find raises some very real questions and problems that Cinecam has faced not just this year, but a disaster: the competition was kept open de- by writing a letter to the Liberal Democrat leader, hilariously inviting him to renew his throughout its existence. spite overwhelming disinterest out of respect membership, which expired some twenty years ago. But before I address these issues I have to certain members (that is, Amaratunga, It was a staggering feat, both in terms of its utter meaningless and its fabulously sinister some refuting to do. Amaratunga’s article, who – despite proclaimed intentions, failed to show up). underlying sentiment. From a political point of view, it should come as no surprise relevant and inquiring as it is, contains some gross inaccuracies regarding Cinecam. Not Amaratunga’s distant (and unhelpful) whatsoever that a student interested in politics should subscribe to a political society, of least in repeatedly referring to Lisa Wong relationship with Cinecam is representative whatever orientation. He would not have been under any obligation to agree with the as the President of the society. I am not: I of a pattern of behaviour that the society speakers provided, and it is naive to assume that he did; he might simply have taken am the Publicity Officer, as even the laziest has consistently faced. For all the anger that has been directed towards Cinecam over the advantage of the opportunities presented by membership. And if Clegg did feel an Google search would show. Amaratunga also accuses me of avoiding email correspondence: years, about our ‘failure’ to provide a com- affinity to CUCA, so what? Most of New Labour spent their undergraduate years fighting a fact with which his inbox will disagree. munity for filmmakers, there has been little for the far left. People should not be judged by their distant pasts. I should stress what Cinecam actually is. evidence of action from the student popula- But CUCA’s seemingly trivial and light-hearted unveiling belies a much darker and Cinecam is a network. We seek to connect tion to do anything about it. those interested with filmmaking and publi- With his enthusiasm and connections to more poisonous problem. As innocent as it might sometimes be, trawling through the cise their projects, and we welcome members other filmmakers Amaratunga could have put pasts of figures in the public light is wholly unnecessary. With the advent of Facebook, from our University, ARU, and Cambridge his energies into helping, or least engaging there is a more permanent, and potentially a more damaging, record of youthful residents alike. We want to enable anyone with, instead of damaging an already strug- gling society. Cinecam has always suffered misdemeanour which will surely be plundered in years to come; newspapers are already with an interest in making films to do so, and we loan out our equipment (which consists of from unfounded expectations. reporting city companies using the medium to assess potential employees. far more than the one camera which Ama- Perhaps there is too much healthy competi- When private secrets are revealed in a public manner, those involved must often waste ratunga mentions in his article) under very tion amongst filmmakers for them to want to time and energy defending themselves. Prominent figures should only be accountable generous conditions. We organise events - the be part of a community. People, understand- ably, want to get the very few jobs that there for the field in which they have made themselves responsible, and unless allegations are most well known being the ‘48 Hour Film Competition’ - talks by industry professionals are in the UK film industry or out to prove serious, they should not have to worry about their pasts being made public. and screenings of student films. themselves. Only the confident filmmaker, willing to share his talent with and learn from others, is the person who ends up getting in- volved in a network like Cinecam’s. Cinecam will need a very dedicated and energetic team Delloited, I’m sure next year to make the society as vibrant and This year, however, our event schedule active as it could and should be. Amaratun- Unless you have been living in a bin, you will notice that city firms seem to like has been emptier than usual. Amaratunga ga’s article made clear that there are people who want to get involved out there. Elections to sponsor things at Cambridge. Deloitte have even decided to sponsor an entire mentions that he has only been aware of two 48hr competitions. He should also have been for next year’s committee will be on 1st May. lifestyle supplement, complete with an employee blog (this week: “We have all been aware of exterior projects that Cinecam has Please, if you’re interested - get in touch. involved in tax audits...”), as well as funding half the pub-quiz nights in colleges. supported such as WORLDwrite, an educa- Although we are all, of course, very grateful for the money, surely this is getting a tion charity; the assembling of a production Yours faithfully, team for the short film ‘‘Illimitable space’; a bit much. By requiring demonstration of “a wide array of interests and positions documentary on the work of artist Anthony Lisa Wong of leadership” on resumes, city firms only denigrate the quality of student societies. The number of JCR and society Presidents marching, lemming-like into the sweaty arms of banks and consultancies, contributing nothing but gaining everything from presidencies won without contest has become a depressing feature of Cambridge life. Thanks to the elder generation refusing to die, our working lives may last for 50, even 60 years. Surely thinking about them now will only prolong the pain. And finally... Secure Thank you to the entire Varsity team for their hard work and dedication. Their your uncanny ability to push back deadlines to the eleventh hour but still deliver the goods has never been less than unbelievable, and they’ve been great fun to work success with to boot.

Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies to every Cam- bridge college and to ARU each week. Editors Tom Bird and George Grist [email protected] Associate Editors Joe Gosden and Ed Cumming associate@ ...with challenging varsity.co.uk News Editors Clementine Dowley, Richard Power Sayeed and Isabel Shapiro [email protected] Comment Editor Asad Kiyani [email protected] Features Editors Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton features@ work placement varsity.co.uk Arts Editors Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley [email protected] Sport Editors Henry Stannard and Luke Thorne [email protected] projects for ambitious Science Editor Kevin Koo [email protected] Fashion Editors Beatrice Perry and Olivia Sudjic fashion@varsity. undergraduates co.uk Visual Arts Editor Anna Trench [email protected] Theatre Editor Alex Reza [email protected] Literary Editor Ned Hercock [email protected] Film Editor Ravi Amaratunga [email protected] Music & Listings Editors Daniel Cohen, Oli Robinson and Verity Simpson [email protected], [email protected] Classical Editor Toby Chadd [email protected] Food & Drink Editor Guy Stagg [email protected] Lifestyle Editors John Lattimore and Luciana Bellini [email protected] If you’re a bright, ambitious Chief Subeditor Jane Hall [email protected] Chief Photo Editor Jason Taylor [email protected] undergraduate who wants to Chief Photographers Dylan Spencer-Davidson and Lizzie Robinson [email protected] challenge your university skills, Business & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Company Secretary Patricia Dalby test out your career ideas or increase your [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof Peter Robinson, Tom Walters, Amy chance of a first-rate graduate job, then Goodwin (Varsoc President), Chris Wright, Michael Derringer, Joe Gosden, Natalie Woolman, Lizzie Mitchell, Elliot you need to know about Shell Step... Ross, Tom Bird, George Grist

NEWSPAPERS Varsity Publications, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 SUPPORT 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications WWW. SHELLSTEP.ORG.UK RECYCLING also publishes BlueSci, The Cambridge Globalist and The Mays. ©2008 Varsity Publications Ltd. Recycled paper made up 80.6% of the raw All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system material for UK or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or newspapers in 2006 0844 248 8242 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Mortons Print Ltd — Newspaper House,RECYCLING Morton Way, Horncastle, Lincolnshire LN9 6JR. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section? varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] DEBATE 9

De b a t e How grim is Zim?

Robert Mugabe has led Zimbabwe up the path to decolonisation, and then down the road to ruin. In the current election fiasco, voters seem to have said he should go, and he was on the verge of giving up on election night, but is still there, and still looks as devilish as ever. Should the international community help push Mugabe out of power?

Lindsey Andrew Kennedy YesWheelhouse No

n 2000, Robert Mugabe, self-proclaimed alter enough to elicit a second round, or eve- on-interventionism comes in for a an abysmal state, inflation of over 100, 000%, champion of racial equality, democracy ryone just forgets about this pesky democ- lot of bad press these days. Those 80% unemployment and the like. It is also and personal liberty, held a referendum racy business. Despite concern expressed by arguing against it have the advan- widely known that Mugabe tends to lash out to decide whether or not land should the African Union, and extensive discussion tage of being able to draw on the when cornered. Because of the complaisance Ibe forcibly taken from white Zimbabwean with the Southern African Development Nnegative imagery of appeasement. Images of other African countries, he has so far farmers and redistributed without recom- Community, little headway has been made. of Chamberlain at Munich in 1938, of the confined himself to incoherent streams of pense. The decision was greatly at odds with The MDC’s General Secretary, Tendai Biti, UN in Rwanda during the genocides, and invective aimed mostly at Britain. A trade Mugabe’s request twenty years earlier that has appealed to the wider international com- of George Galloway’s appalling sycophancy embargo would most likely only cause him the farming families remain in the country munity for support and assistance, claiming when meeting Saddam Hussein in 2002, are to turn against his own people, sequester- and play a part in building its “national uni- that domestic and regional negotiations have all purported examples of somnolence and ing what scant resources remain to prop up ty”. Mugabe further declared that he would “failed”. inactivity in the face of aggression. his regime while the rest of the country is be led by the will of the Zimbabwean people, Of course, the last thing Zimbabwe needs The fact that after a decade or so of vote- driven further into desperate poverty. that the party “must continue to strike is a show of patronising condescension by rigging, that Robert Mugabe hasn’t even fear in the heart of the white man, our real its ex-colonial masters. For one thing, even bothered to try and steal the national and enemy”, and launching a violent campaign if viewed in its most forgiving light, our presidential elections this time, brings his to drive out white farmers and reclaim the involvement in Iraq was about as beneficial role as a malevolent force into sharp focus. Any solution is going to property. All of which would, presumably, to the majority of the population as charging To do absolutely nothing in the face of such have to come from within have carried much more political clout had in on a white steed and bellowing, “Rapun- reckless tyranny would be unconscionable he actually won the referendum. zel! Rapunzel! Sorry love, I can’t quite reach and it is not what is advocated here. Rather, Zimbabwe itself. The fact that only 20% of the elector- your hair, so I’m going to just bomb this it is to show that calls for direct political or ate turned up to vote, 55% of whom voted tower and hope for the best!” military intervention are based on ill-con- against land redistribution, has made it More importantly, as the BBC’s Peter ceived ideas that if acted upon will be to the rather difficult for Mugabe to justify the Greste has observed, Zimbabwe has become detriment of all involved. It is clear that any solution is going to economic collapse which followed. Inflation an easy target for Western leaders to os- On what grounds should we intervene? In have to come from within Zimbabwe itself in is now over 100,000%, the IMF and many tracize and condemn in order to raise their order to dispose of a man whose monstrous order to have unquestionable legitimacy and Western countries have reduced or with- humanitarian credentials without risking ego has usurped the rule of law in favour of sovereignty in the eyes of all Zimbabweans. drawn financial support, and the impres- useful things like oil contracts, whilst criti- officially sanctioned brutality and whose ar- Many people within the nation do actually sive improvements to living standards, life cism is widely interpreted by Zimbabweans rogance has destroyed the economy of what support Mr Mugabe, despite it all, and any expectancy, health and education made in as confirming the West still cannot accept was once the most prosperous country on external interference would only play into the first few decades of Mugabe’s presidency the idea that Africans should be allowed the African continent? That’s easy to work his hands. have been entirely reversed. to shape their own destinies. Mugabe has out but isn’t the problem of greatest import. But there is hope yet. The victory of the Most worryingly, democracy in Zimba- attacked Bush for his hypocritical breaches What we have to consider is what action Movement for Democratic Change in the bwe is being increasingly stifled by violence of human rights during the “War on Terror”, would be most appropriate with regards to parliamentary elections last month, won in and intimidation. Human Rights Watch has asking, “can the international community the local situation. the face of constant intimidation, shows that reported state-sponsored beatings, torture, accept being lectured by this man on the Military intervention lacks a coherent change is afoot. The president has apparent- threats and forced evictions of those known provisions of the universal declaration of objective, and suitable means. How would ly lost the support of the security services, or suspected to support the opposition human rights? Definitely not!” it be done? With peacekeepers from the an essential part of his election stealing Movement for Democratic Change, whilst Mugabe certainly has a point. Sadly, it’s United Nations or African Union (AU) to ef- ensemble, and there were dark mutterings the Zimbabwe Electoral Support Network the only point he seems able to make, and fect regime change? Where would they come of discontent among some generals before has expressed concern that the ruling does little to alleviate or excuse the suffer- from? The West can be discounted immedi- voting began. The man in charge may be a Zanu-PF have tried to starve voters into ing of Zimbabwean people. Moreover, if Mu- ately. NATO is preoccupied in Afghanistan, megalomaniac, but the kingmakers are prag- compliance by withholding government- gabe no longer has any legitimate authority and the US and Britain have lost the moral matists who know that a wrecked economy supplied food and farming equipment. Much in Zimbabwe, then his views on intervention authority to intercede after the Iraq deba- means less funds to embezzle, and the end of the population is reportedly discouraged are irrelevant, his cabinet is effectively an cle. And at this stage of proceedings Mugabe may yet be in sight for Robert Mugabe. And from voting at all, through a combination of occupying force, and it is MDC leader Mor- is hardly going to consider it important to so we must wait. violence, miseducation and overcomplicated gan Tsvangirai who warrants our support. try to keep in the West’s diplomatic or politi- It is an uncomfortable thing to do as voting procedures. Mugabe has contravened a myriad of cal good books. democrats, but when faced with untenable Despite this, Mugabe has by no accounts international codes and regulations to which What about one of the surrounding unsta- alternatives, it becomes our imperative. won the last election, now refusing to release he has repeatedly promised commitment ble and at times barely legal African the results until either - for this alone he should be brought to democracies? How about Namibia, the numbers magi- account. Now that he is refusing to formerly the fiefdom of President cally adhere to his own democratic system, Sam Nujoma and now governed by illegally asserting his presidency, and his anointed successor Hifikepunye risking the outbreak of civil war, it Lucas Pohamba, both staunch is imperative we support a govern- supporters of Mr Mugabe? Or ment which has been elected by South Africa with its ANC the people, and is actively seek- hegemony and rumours of ing the assistance of the West. encroaching unrest with a discon- certingly anti-white streak at its heart? Probably not. In any case, the AU lacks the stomach or the teeth for direct intervention. Mugabe remains a war hero to many for his lead- ership in the fight against white minority Rhodesian rule. Political action? Sanctions? It is widely known that the Zimbabwean economy is in Comment Editor: Asad Kiyani Friday April 25 2008 10 COMMENT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/comment

Emma Lough Democratic Dramatics Politicians are failing to play their part in promoting democracy

odern politics is substance. Like an empty sweet actual intent. Faced with a cast the size of a raisin. The British In our politically correct world coming to resemble wrapper: it is alluring but su- of buffoons selectively deaf to the government recently suffered a it would be assumed that pretty a second-rate panto- perficial. Acton’s estimation that public voice, who solely consid- wave of criticism for its proposals much every discriminatory term mime. Where we might “power corrupts and absolute ering the issues that immedi- to extend the detention period is quashed and rejected by society. Mexpect articulate performances power corrupts absolutely” has ately threaten their power, it is of terror suspects to 42 days. This should, in particular, be true to a willing audience, what we proved universally applicable, hardly surprising the electorate Should we be appalled at the pos- of the Cambridge community, full have is a dithering cast whose immune to divisions of time or have withdrawn to a strategy of sibility of a 6 week detention pe- to the brim of well-educated and pitiful caliber invites a bombard- place. hostile criticism. Quite simply, if riod when countries like America, informed individuals; surely we are ment of criticism. Were we back Nobody can handle power with politicians choose to block their surely vulnerable to greater all too knowledgeable and well- in medieval times, we could brain total integrity, and politicians - ears, we’re going to have to threat and boasting a darker his- rounded to take any forms of preju- Mr. Brown with a pear, or per- who are by nature power hungry tory human rights violation, sur- dice seriously? Of course, prejudice haps a turnip. In modern Britain, leaches – should be monitored vive with a period of only 2 days? can be found in all walks of life but however, rotten fruit is out, and by public criticism all times. “Politicians have Or should we console ourselves on a more general level, discrimina- the press, polls and petitions Remembering the latest dona- with the knowledge that we do tion is much closer to home than are in. But how constructive is tions scandals and Derek Con- constructed a not have a Guantanamo Bay to you may think. Where? Just look to our incessant hostile critique of way’s underhand use of political burden our conscience? the ‘Chav’. political affairs, and do we have finances to gloss the lifestyle of culture of spin and So while we bask on the The glorious Chav, a staple of any alternative? his student son, recent political global stage as a “developed” British society. A Burberry-wear- Most of us at heart probably practice suggests a prevailing no- deception in a ruse and “advanced” nation, we must ing, smoking, mouthy, uneducated believe, or did until recently, that tion that accountability is merely designed to delude not discount the danger that white individual. This description, we are part of some unspoken so- for the “little” people (that means our ripened western democracy set in stone by the likes of ‘Vicky cial contract in which we behave teeny weeny you and me who for the voting public of might start – perhaps already Pollard’, embodies various traits ourselves as citizens and “au- the most part follow the laws, has- to decompose. It is vital to that are attributed to the typical thority” acts impartially, fairly while sheepish politicians squirm the government’s keep a critical eye on any form of image of a ‘chav’. You may laugh, and with some honesty. What a between the boundaries they lay government, and even more so, even agree. But look closer, the mistake. down). actual intent.” on the present incumbents who white working class is the one We need to eliminate this false This underlies a momentous are shamelessly flippant with group it has become socially accept- sense of security, and reform our breakdown of trust between the their democratic credentials. able to discriminate against. perception of the state from one two sides of the democratic coin: shout. Democracy never has, and An air of elitism permeates of a big friendly bear to the sly parliament and the voting public. Political criticism is part of a never will, conform to its ideal, through this discrimination; the cat it actually is. While we may vote these clowns vicious circle. We need it to sus- but to keep the system on track ‘chav’ figure and the connotations As Churchill so famously noted, into power, there is very little we tain a working democracy, but we demands unbroken public com- that surround this stereotype un- “democracy is the worst form of can actually do to manipulate the should be simultaneously aware mitment. Criticism is key to the fortunately dissemble any attempts government except all the oth- political process once they have of the relative political luxury to accountability required to sustain at class and social equality. How can ers that have been tried”. Our positioned their behinds on the which we are accustomed. While and improve our political process, these barriers be broken if the only system is not flawless or un- green leather seats of parliament. we take the liberty to nit-pick but unrelenting public hostility is example of the ‘working class’ we blemished and demands constant Our only outlet, it appears, is to our own political system, we not the most constructive means. are exposed to is in the form of a critical reevaluation in order to hurl abuse: a tactic presently dis- forget the fact that much of the In this vicious circle, however, ‘chav’? This depiction and perpetua- uphold its best, or at least most playing our most advanced form world’s population can’t even it is the governing players who tion of a harmful stereotype results acceptable, features. of political engagement. While claim the right to do so. Dictators need to change their ways, per- in a failure of social inclusion too, In a modern democracy (at this may be counterproductive, were not a mutation of interwar fect polish their performance and and the compositions of Cambridge least in theory) accountability the problem fault lies with gov- history and repressive authori- cleanse the political stage. and Oxford University are excel- should define the relationship ernment, and not the governed. tarian leaders still wield power in Only then will a rightly skepti- lent examples of this failure. between those in power and Politicians have constructed numerous modern states. cal public be content to unclench Conversations frequently arise those with power (albeit in a a culture of spin and deception We need only cast our eye as their fists, and lay down their in Cambridge regarding ‘Chavs’, diluted collective form). Without in a ruse designed to delude the far as Kenya to see the fruits of turnips, and engage with a posi- whether concerning tales of how accountability, democracy has no voting public of the government’s modern “democracy” shrivel to tive interest. ‘they’ stole grandmother’s purse or just regarding a general dislike of what a ‘chav’ exemplifies. It is, for the majority, a common subject, but Dan would conversations be spoken in Grabiner the same manner regarding black Celebrity Britain people? Gay people? Would it be ac- ceptable to talk over a hall meal of Our obsession with fame equates to an acceptance of laziness how one of ‘ those black people’ has pinched your grandmothers’ purse? No, it would not. That is racism. Yet to speak about a ‘chav’ in s Simon Cowell et al. ensuring that the fittest do indeed mous”. Not “be a footballer” or “be but a fringe benefit – fringe detri- such a manner is tolerated. It return to our screens survive, often via a public vote. So an actor”, just “famous”. The rise ment perhaps – and the body of is almost unbelievable that it is for a second series of the Leona Lewis’s, the Paul Potts’s of websites such as beonscreen. work he has accumulated is not the perfectly acceptable to be class Britain’s Got Talent, en- and, dare I say it, the Simon com (“your ticket to appearing concern of the mother who berates discriminatory in contemporary Atertainment of the point-and-laugh Ambrose’s have experienced their on television shows”) is in tune her daughter for coming home British society. variety is the order of the day. The fair share of toil, both in the years with the rise of the obsession with without the million-dollar contract. It is even more unbelievable majority of acts include a delu- before and the weeks during these celebrity, providing information On top of ignoring the challenges that it is tolerated in a university sional misfit showing exactly how absurd shows, and winning surely on how to apply for shows, MTV’s which successful sportspeople or that prides itself on its ‘intellectual’ “talented” they are, shambolically indicates that they do indeed pos- I Want a Famous Face embody- showbiz personalities have usu- merits. One would hope that these embarrassing themselves to the ing the most disturbing end of the ally overcome, we also appear to merits extended to the field of social hysterical delight of the audience spectrum. The majority of teachers be deluded about what instant tolerance. (“OFF! OFF! OFF!”). described the celebrity fixation as fame actually is. Instant fame is A Cambridge student may be But the more serious cause for detrimental to pupils’ aspirations. short-lived. Even the winners of educated enough to recognise ra- concern lies in the stories of those Primary school teacher Elizabeth Big Brother are forgotten, and cial, religious and gendered preju- we don’t see - those not horrendous Farrar is quoted in the study bar the occasional appearance on dices but when it comes to class or spectacular or moving enough stating that “many pupils believe 100 Worst TV Moments Ever, the discrimination, that is apparently to deem entertaining. The fact that academic success is unnecessary, media and the public toss them not the case. Is this due to the lack the only ambition of an increas- because they will be able to access negligently into the pit of disre- of working class students in Cam- ingly large proportion of young fame and fortune quite easily gard, ready for the next group bridge University or is it merely a people in Britain is “to be famous” through a reality TV show”. which series 9 will duly bring. reflection of society’s discriminatory is the product of reality shows pro- The talented child who lazes, Thankfully, most people see past discourse? viding a swift and painless route expecting to win Miss Apprentice the Endemol fame and fortune It is both. The Cambridge envi- onto a red carpet groaning under Idol is almost as worrying as the façade, and Britain’s Got Talent is ronment, largely composed of white the weight of the new throng of seventeen-year-old who envies really a show about British people middle class students is not an ac- “instant celebrities”. Jade and the other housemates, who think they are talented … curate depiction of the composition As guest editor of the Today counting the days until they are minus those who are. The majority of society. Due to various difficulties Programme, Damon Albarn made eligible to apply for instant fame of the 32% of students who model working class students face regard- his views on the Cowell machine ses the X-factor. themselves, or the girl quoted themselves on Paris Hilton will ing access into Cambridge, the and the “instant celebrity” proc- But it is the effect of this on in the study whose life ambition grow out of it, but there are many university is unique in providing ess clear, pointing to the years of the child’s mindset which is so is “to be a WAG”. While 60% of people who need a reality check. a community that consists (for the toil Blur endured before earning destructive, and one only needs to British pupils aspire to “be David The programmes are not manu- wide majority) of one ‘middle’ class. their right to success. But aren’t examine the aspirations of British Beckham”, what we seem to have factured for the contestants, but In the end, the truth seems to lie X-Factor, The Apprentice or even children to see it. The Association forgotten is that being David Beck- solely for entertainment purposes, in Alan Ayckbourn’s statement - Big Brother democratic, non- of British Teachers and Lecturers ham is not a career. He has earned and the next Winehouse doesn’t ‘Place three Englishmen on a desert partisan routes to stardom? Free (ATL) survey conducted earlier his status through talent and toil. need Simon to whisk her into the island and within an hour they’ll to enter, the competitions employ this year showed over a third of Smiling at the cameras on the red industry – talent and drive can do have invented a class system’. Darwinian selection processes pupils to primarily aspire to “be fa- carpet is not George Clooney’s job, that for her. Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] COMMENT 11

“No man is an island, entire of itself”, said John Donne in Medita- tion XVII, and by Jove, he was right. Even idlers - distant, solitary, immaculately fragranced figures that we are - still feel the occasional pull of a tide that draws us inexorably back into the oceanic vastness of the human race. It is irresistible, impossible to ignore: as inescapable as tectonic drift. But enough with the geographi- cal metaphors (crayon-pushing tossers that geographers inevi- tably are), the point is this: there are certain events where all of us, idler or busybody, are subjected to the same inevitable collective fate. One such occasion? The dreaded Exams. You are no doubt already beset by exam-related worries on all sides, and I have no desire to add to them. Besides, as an idler, I have to maintain an attitude of laissez- faire nonchalance at all time, lurk- ing finals or not. It would be unseemly for me to show signs of stress. Panic would be unthinkable. I’m positively the last person you’ll find tucked away in the library, cramming like John Prescott in the Marks and Spencer cake aisle. No. Never fear. I am not wor- ried, and neither should you be. Lillian You see, in times of crisis, I turn to Li those figures I admire – my “idle The Truth about Tibet idols”, if you will (do excuse me, times are tough) - to provide me with the guidance I need when The West is misunderstanding recent events in Tibet and China things get a little bit hectic. Here are three of my faves - and I hope they can inspire you in the same way they inspire me. he recent Tibetan protests have done of investment poured into Tibet by the central response to CNN reports which vastly exag- 1. King Leonidas of Sparta. little to further the cause of Tibetan government are not enough to reduce the gap gerated the scale and intent of the Chinese Now, one may not think of suffrage. If anything, it has set things between Tibet and rest of China. The frustra- military intervention. Conspiracy theories are Leonidas as a classic idler per back by antagonising China and mis- tion of poverty and the golden opportunity of rife in the Chinese blogosphere (yes, it does se, but look closer, and you’ll see Trepresenting events in Tibet. From a Chinese worldwide Olympic publicity have only added exist), where the whole ordeal is seen as the all the classic elements are there perspective, there is a feeling that the West fuel to the fire. latest move in the West’s attempts to suppress in industrial-sized spades. The doesn’t understand the issue, never took time The hard truth is that Tibetan independence china as a growing world power. striking personal style, the wise- to understand the issue, but stands ready to will not make the Tibetan people better off. The Chinese see the West as hypocritical, guy quips, the immense physical hand out judgment on the issue. Economically, the Tibetan people rely on the reaping the benefit of buying cheap goods from attractiveness - the man is clearly It’s easy to dismiss China as a oppressive Chinese – 90% of Tibet government spending developing China but judging its human rights one of us. dictator in Tibet but really, the human rights comes from the central Chinese government. record as that of a developed nation. It preach- “If you want them, come and records of China in Tibet is mixed. On one The fastest growing sector of the Tibetan es morality while encouraging mob demonstra- get them!” A motto for us all, hand, high estimates of 800,000 people were economy is tourism, which would grind to a tions that attacked a wheelchair bound torch right there. This is a man, ladies killed over 20 years from 1959 onwards and standstill as soon as China withdres its flood of carrier and wags its finger about censorship and gentlemen, who quite literally immense damage was done to Tibetan cultural tourists. Out also goes access to higher educa- while filling the airwaves with cropped photos fights for the right to stay exactly heritage during the Cultural Revolution. But tion in mainland China (where the Tibetans and misleading captions. where he fucking is. China suffered a loss of at least two million The West seems to lament China as an op- 2. George W. Bush. during the same turbulent time. pressed brainwashed mass, too controlled by a Extensive napping, a righteous On the other hand, the Chinese government single party government to withstand criti- desire to stay out on the ranch has abolished a feudal system and poured “The Chinese see the West cism. There seems to be little interest in deal- rather than coming into work, much needed money into establishing educa- ing with Chinese as ordinary individuals and and an avowed love (if reasonable tion, healthcare and infrastructure in rural as hypocritical, reaping the engaging on an equal basis. The fact that the mistrust) of salty snacks prove the Tibet. In the last 30 years, the standard of life Olympics represents the Chinese people more Commander -in-Chief to be an idler in Tibet has increase rapidly – with life expect- benefit of buying cheap than it represents the Chinese government has par excellence. ancy jumping from 35.5 years in 1950 to 67 in goods from developing not been made clear, and criticism sounds more If he was still a drinker, he’d be 2000. The issues of human rights in Tibet, and like cultural imperialism. the best darn golfing buddy you in China, will surely be addressed (and needs China but judging its human China’s failings of inflexibility and a series of could possibly hope for. Shame to be addressed) for China as a country to unfortunate public relations events has done about that presidency though, eh? move forwards. Yet after a century of poverty rights record as that of a nothing to help the situation. Insistence that 3. Bartleby the Scrivener. and political turmoil, issues such as clothing that the Dalai Lama is the puppet master be- Let down somewhat by the fact the rest of the population have been higher on developed nation.” hind this theatre of humiliation, heavy handed- that he is fictional, Bartleby the the agenda. ness with the demonstrations with the dubious Scrivener is otherwise the great- Clarification is also needed on the recent ri- guards in blue, leads to saving face as the main est idler in the history of human ots in Tibet and the Chinese military response. are favoured with lower entry requirements) objective of the day. achievement (or non-achievement The riots in Tibet were just that – riots, and and immigration of more skilled workers. Tibet There are no winners with these protests. in his special case). the crackdown of the Chinese government will be left with a damaged economy at a time The Tibetan people blare out a skewed view His passive-aggressive mind- should be viewed in this context. As James of much needed stability, especially when they to the rest of the world, the West agrees and fuck of a mantra, “I’d prefer not Miles of The Economist, one of the few west- have to sort out the prickly task of separating damages fragile international relationships, to”, safely steers him clear of all ern journalists in Tibet at the time, reported, a ruling government from a ruling religion. and the Chinese people and government excessive duties and responsi- only non-Tibetan businesses and people were Even if the recent protests have been rais- become more adamant about not being seen as bilities. In fact, in the end he’s so targeted in violence; the injured were Han ing awareness in the wider world, the audience weak rather than listening to either. apathetic that he can’t even be Chinese. it’s targeted at – the Chinese people and gov- The effects of these are already being felt, in bothered to cling onto life – do- The main cause of the riots wasn’t oppres- ernment – have long switched off, unplugged the hostility of Chinese immigrants whenever ing the gracious thing, he simply sion, but a growing dissatisfaction with the the TV and thrown it out the window. The Tibet is mentioned, the waves of pro China shirks off every conceivable faster economic development of the better- western media coverage in the recent weeks protests around the world, and the boycotting pressure, and slips away into the educated Han Chinese in Tibet. The growing have instigated a wave of nationalism in China of French businesses in China. This may be impending blackness. gap between rich and poor is a common story that has drowned out the moderates. the issue that finally forces the reticent China Come exam day, you may feel in China but the Han Chinese have become an The Western media has become a symbol to take centre stage and start speaking, but the same. Remember these heroes easy scapegoat due to their growing presence of Western bias. In Chinese slang, ‘Don’t be what’s going to be said may not be what we’ve though, and ensure that you go in Tibet in the last few years. Even the billions too CNN’ means ‘don’t ignore the truth’, as a been waiting to hear. down in style. is for BusinessB Manager. Be it

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COPYRIGHT QUENTIN BLAKE

“It’s a sort of celebration of being alive” QUENTIN BLAKE PAGE 19

e Varsity Awards Page 14

Feminist porn Page 20

Guilty pleasures Page 21 Arthur Russell Page 23 VIEW Features Editors: Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton Friday April 25 2008 14 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features The Varsity Awards A very subjective list of institutions and individuals deserving of praise this year 2008 JANE HALL

Best Pub Best Restaurant e Champion of e ames Unbeknownst to the Varsity team, who live in an office without windows, Snug weather gets warmer, which it the past few days have been, at a brick wall. However, we feel it still will, distance is no excuse. times, sunny and warm. This throws deserves praise for its immutable The Burgers are second-to- this choice of winner into conten- charm; the ultimate old-man-pub For those of you who live in the none, as are the fruit juice tion, since the outside sitting area centre of town, and are deeply experience. If you’re looking to be cocktails. The hang-over cure of in The Champion (King’s St) con- outside whilst drinking, as no doubt entrenched in a Cambridge champions. sists of one broken table and two some of you might me, try the up- conception of distances (i.e. The very small chairs squashed against Fitzwilliam is an inordinately stairs balcony at B-Bar. long way away), then Snug’s location on Lensfi eld Rd might be off-putting. However, as the Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 15

Best Members’ Club thesps. The Hawks’ Club, however, has cheap drinks, e Hawks’ a massive television with Sky Plus, and fantastic food courtesy of Donna Martin, all at a very reasonable price. The Ospreys’ have had some troubles regarding their To be avoided on evenings when formal swaps are being premises. The Pitt Club struggles with music licenses, held, unless one is partial to self-congratulatory (often drinks licenses, broken loos and a reputation worthy self-aware) jock behaviour, and accompanying blue-tack. of Lindsay Lohan. The ADC, if we are being charitable enough to include it in the category, is certainly ruled out for the fi rst prize given the general attitude towards

Best Cafe ANNA TRENCH Savino’s Savino’s makes excellent coffee. It always has loads of by exceptionally nice Italian newspapers for you to read, people. It’s not expensive, including The Sun. It is run nor is it remotely gimmicky. Best Student Impersonator Tarique Akhtar

Somewhat of a one-horse race. The closest competitor to the crown is perhaps the homeless person who allegedly managed facebook account is to believed, Akhtar to live in a bathroom in New Court, Trini- has also played the role of ‘Harvard ty, for almost a term two years ago. Akhtar student’, and ‘Stanford student’. rose to celebrity after it was discovered Complaints were launched against that he had been posing as a member of the impersonator after a number of Trinity for a year, helping himself to li- sexual advances on female students; brary, computing and JCR facilities. If his a big give-away he was not a genu- ine Cantabridgian.

Best Celebrity Rumoured to be coming to Cambridge in 2008

Hermione Grangertime being a successful model, A newcomer in the category of and attending St Trinian’s (a Celebrities Rumoured To Be fi ctional school). Coming To Cambridge, Hermi- We have higher hopes for one “Emma Watson” Granger Watson/Granger, who plans snatched the award this year, to start at Homerton next much to the disappointment Michaelmas, at which point of those backing Lily Cole for she will hopefully stop spend- the prize. Miss Cole, alleged to ing time with Johnny Borrell, have been joining our hallowed who is just awful. ranks for most of the past decade, has instead spent her

Best ing about e Grand Arcade e Apple Store

For those of you with Apple comput- London to fi nd a Genius, but now ers, i-pods, and the suchlike, there you can fi nd a Genius in Cambridge is probably no need to expound too. upon how good it is to have an Ap- The new Topshop is much better ple Store in Cambridge. But I will than the old one, but it’s not as anyway. If your computer breaks, good as an Apple Store. The Grand you take it to the Genius Arcade also boasts a Jane Norman Bar there, and you can fi nd and a Swarovski Crystal shop. The a Genius who will help you. Apple Store did not have much You used to have to go to competition in this category. Fashion Editors: Olivia Sudjic & Beatrice Perry Friday April 25 2008 Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: 16 VIEWFashion [email protected] varsity.co.uk/fashion varsity.co.uk/fashion [email protected] VIEWFashion 17

maxi MAY mini for may balls big and small

Libby wears: Maxi dress, Marimekko for H&M, £39.99; Coat, model’s own Claire wears: Mini dress, Hervé Léger, £550 All shoes stylist’s own Photographers: Katy King & James Pockson Features Editors: Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton Friday April 25 2008 18 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features

Restaurant Review through a melt-in-your-mouth- The roast potatoes, possibly Cumming On mouthful that I felt the fi rst the most complex of all foods to James Quaife twinge. And what a twinge, and get right, were just so nice that Politics I don’t mean that in a good way. words can’t describe them. They I jumped up, excusing myself were crunchy, nice and good. DragonDragon to my confused (but healthy) And not untasty either. Al- ’m not the only person all the routine mudslinging friend who remained sat down, though when the bill rocked up feeling invigorated by the there have been some genuine 13, University Road and rushing past a waiter who our smiles were turned upside IUS presidential stuff. Over moments of comedy: the word for a moment I thought was a down. Fucking good tats and the holiday my ten year old ‘misspeak’, for instance, when ★★★★★★★★ real knight of the realm (!) I rumpy pumpy beef are tasty as brother, observing the colours the meaning is ‘lie’. I think we started the journey to the loo. hell, but also expensive. They’re of my father’s rug-challenged can all agree that ‘misspeak’ Although the knights may have the best taste on earth [nobody skull, exclaimed: ‘Hillary’s sounds friendlier: it suggests I LITERALLY LOVE FOOD my been very good at fi ghting (one disagrees], but they cost the beating Obama’. that there was some kind of friend confi ded as we sat down of them boshed a feisty eater in earth too, and what’s worse, Aside from the robust imper- purer, inner truth, cruelly in our seats. Too right. This the head with their shield, leav- they gave me a chronic case tinence (the kids in ‘Bedknobs distorted by the evil mouth. week took us to DragonDragon ing the diner less than intact!), of the brown river blues. Ten and Broomsticks’ would never Almost as good are McCain’s (as always, its a restaurant[!]) they were not so good at direc- minutes later I was winging my have gotten away with a line ‘senior moments’ on unimpor- whose British cuisine we tions! I drew on a loo paper my sweet way to Addenbrookes, in like that), it at least shows tant issues like the difference thought would be appropri- loo odyssey so you, the reader, the back of an ambulance. how the contest has captured between Iran and Iraq. Senior ate considering that its Saint But being in hospital aint the imagination, even amongst moments are justly celebrated George’s day this 22nd of April. gonna stop this reviewer from an age-group which genuinely for their hilariousness, but People give English food a lot of writing his review. Thinking believes ‘Soulja Boy’ to be your mother posting her car- shitty stick, but you can safely about how tasty that grub was musically talented and free of keys has fewer global implica- say it’s the very best in the I can almost forgive it for giving retardation. tions than, say, a war. When it world. Where else would you me a case of what the doctors It’s easy, really. Get a hip comes down to it, do you really get a steak, some sausages, or now say is e-coli. If anybody young black dude, a haggard want Harold Bishop’s cake- chicken? Think beef. Think pies. wants to come and visit, give white sour-faced whale, talk fi lled fi nger on the button? Roast potatoes. The munchies me a call on 55555. I’m not go- about how great both are. Unfortunately I suspect the are seriously setting in. We got ing to be going anywhere any Then make them fi ght each answer is yes, particularly in a right proper muddle try- time soon. The doctor says I’m other for years for the right when the alternative is, basi- ing to fi nd the place, but once the crowiest cock he’s ever laid to lose to a deranged ‘Nam cally, an older, thinner version you see it you are pretty much his hands on. Too right, doc. I vet who looks like the violent, of the Carlton character from there, so don’t be put off by the want to thank Tom Evans for lecherous younger brother the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. walk. giving me such an opportunity of the Emperor from Star I’d vote for Will Smith, who’s The waiters were imagina- to write in this column. It’s so Wars. All the elements are in never made a bad movie, but tively begarbed in full knight nice to have people come up to place. It’s perfect PR for the Carlton was always getting regalia, replete with helmets me in the streets and say some- democratic system, really. bitched on. As for the white and swords, which they playful- thing other than ‘hey glasses One wonders why they didn’t whale, I’ll say only this: ly used to carve a massive hunk head, taste this!’ I’ve tasted the think of it before. Actually I would you trust someone of beef. It was rough and ready can better understand. world. And I’ve loved Every. say perfect, but I mean almost who thought it was a good on the outside, but don’t let that I think the drawing shows it Cocking. Minute. (!) perfect, because there are idea to delegate her husband, fool you sucka! Because inside it pretty damned well, so I won’t some fl aws with it, the most the President of the United was soft-ballet-slipper-pink, and prattle on about that. Suffi ce to James Matilde Quaife 13th important of which is the fact States’s, sexual needs to the ruddy yumsky. It was half way say, I nearly cacked my kegs! May 1987 – 20th April 2008 that Obama and Clinton have work experience? There are both been so ravaged by their some responsibilities which ambition that they have gone must simply be taken on the entirely mad. chin, and I don’t like her pri- Obama started this mad- orities. Face Off Final ness, probably, when he seized Its irrelevant anyway, be- on Hillary’s (in hindsight cause the strongest candidate e College which received the most votes in this year’s competition is gravely erroneous) ‘anti-hope’ by miles was the dangerously mantra, and cunningly fl ipped crackers black Republican Magdelene: Face Off Champions 2008 it on its head to make him- Alan Keyes, whose entire be- self the candidate of ‘hope’. ing was given over to right- Abstract concepts are great eous indignation for the ten things to run on, because minutes he was around, before they mean nothing. However, his anti-discrimination ticket what Obama has proven is resulted in him being, er, that by twinning the ab- discriminated off stract concept with another the radar and descriptive noun, picked at out to pas- random, you can mean even ture. He less than nothing. I like deserved the guy, but his bestsell- a go, if ing book of ideology, ‘The only so Audacity Of Hope’, could we might just as easily have been have seen called ‘The Complexity of what Dream, or ‘The Danger Of vengeance Creed’. ‘The Belligerence of he was Humour’, anyone? If he’d capable of gotten Robert Ludlum wreaking Tom is a 2nd year Economist on the case in time (i.e. on the elec- and Alice is a 1st year Architect before Robert Ludlum torate. died in 2001), they could have called it something even funkier. ‘The Chica- go Com- promise’, perhaps. Or ‘The Hono- lulu Hope- fulness’. In amongst Alan Keyes: mental LAST ROUND’S RESULT: King’s 2% Caius 98% Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 19 ‘I’m in the funny business’ Synonymous with the work of Roald Dahl, Quentin Blake is one of Britain’s best-loved illustrators. Anna Trench interviews the man whose drawings enlightened a generation

expected to meet a man who if we could get a better picture”. from Quentin Blake, a man who Downing he was charming and he must enjoy it immensely, looked like one of his charac- Famously, Dahl sent his own seems to understand the impor- informative, but what I really standing up next to the light box Iters – scratchy and colourful, Norwegian slippers in the post to tance of his drawings for millions wanted was to see the place and imagining he is these mad scruffy and beaming, possibly Blake as inspiration for the BFG’s of children and adults, it is actu- where he put his characters characters. Although we know doing a cartwheel. But the man shoes. Blake has illustrated over ally very powerful. “Vitality,” he on paper. I wanted to see him Blake for his drawings, he used who greeted me on the steps of 300 books by a dozen authors, concludes. “That’s what it is.” at his drawing board, what to paint a lot, and has a separate Downing library was quietly including Evelyn Waugh. But Although Blake insists he is pens he used and where he studio for it. He shows me a dressed; he smiled, he did not Waugh, he says, was “very diffi- in the “funny business”, one of kept them. So I invited myself book full of huge watercolours of grin, and when he shook my cult because he’s just too funny. If the most popular, and certainly to his London studio. Through women reading. They are loose hand we did not fly away into the you’re working with someone you the most powerful, book he has the door I was greeted by old and expressive in blues and sunset on a giant multicoloured let them have the limelight and illustrated, is not funny at all: cut-outs of Daumier’s work from greys. In comparison to painting, bird. In fact, Quentin Blake was you do a bit when it’s quiet – but Sad Book by Michael Rosen is magazines. This time Blake con- illustration is often belittled. “It’s rather ordinary, although his Evelyn Waugh’s just funny all the about the death of his teenage formed more to my expectations: a minor form, but not inferior,” eyes certainly twinkled. time. So I felt a little superfluous.” son. Blake says he feels “slightly unshaven, in a brightly-coloured he says. But if anyone is going to We sat in the sun on a tiny Humour is crucial to Blake’s embarrassed talking about it… I stripy shirt with what is left change that, it’s Quentin Blake. bench. Over fifty years ago, Blake work. His energetic characters of his hair standing slightly Before I leave, he generously read English here, presided over cannot help but make you smile. on end. We sat in his studio, gives me two books, one of which by F.R. Leavis. When I ask for “I’m in the funny business,” he “Humour is an enormous room at tree top is about his time as Children’s some wild anecdotes of student says. “I don’t do gloomy things. level. In the centre of the room Laureate. He took his position adventures he mumbles, “Oh, I When people theorise about hu- just seeing what is a large light box where Blake as the first Children’s Laureate just crept around writing essays mour it’s always about other peo- stands up and draws. His desk very seriously, working tirelessly and doing drawings.” After Cam- ple’s misfortunes – banana skins people do” is full of mugs of pens and for two years to promote chil- bridge he attended Chelsea as a – but it’s not entirely about that. pencils and brushes, and in one dren’s literature and drawing. I part time student and eventually Certain humour is just seeing want to talk about the business corner is a cluster of exotic bird left with the feeling that what went on to be head of illustration what people do.” Blake admires of illustrating – but it’s too real.” feathers, used as quills. Quentin Blake does is more than at the Royal College. Almost all the eighteenth-century satirists It’s an honest, sparse book. Rosen At Cambridge Blake refused a “celebration of being alive”; the books he has illustrated are Daumier and Cruickshank, and “had done it so that you could al- to draw for Varsity because the it’s a means to enable others to collaborations between words Ronald Searle, whom he met do- ternate dark and white… he gave editor Michael Winner was “bent celebrate being alive too. and pictures. Indeed, Words and ing national service, and told me me the candles and I sort of found on turning it into the Daily My favourite book by Quen- Pictures is the title of the es- he would like to illustrate some the end.” There are few children’s Mirror”. For the current Varsity, tin Blake is a story he wrote sential guide to how and why he Dickens at some point, like Phiz. books that deal directly with however, he kindly agreed to do and illustrated, called Jack and works, published in 2000, with But Blake’s work is not social bereavement, and Sad Book is for our editorial cartoon. He usually Nancy. They get swept away by illustrations ranging from his A satire. “There is an adults as much as for children. It works to scale but the drawing an umbrella to a tropical island Level days right up to his most element of social is not depressing or patronising; he presents me with is huge. He where they live with a parrot, recent books. His reasoning at observation,” he it is confused and angry, raw used watercolour pencils with a before eventually being rescued the time was “If I go to an art agrees with me. and beautiful. Sad Book is not wash. The crow-like Cambridge by some jolly sailors. I tell him school I might stop reading, but “But it’s not gloomy: it is about dealing dons are hilarious. Although he I always imagined Jack and if I read English I won’t stop what we’re with death, and as Blake works with words, his characters Nancy were me and my brother. drawing – I kind of get both.” And there for, says, it is “about get- never directly speak, but the And surely that’s partly the he was right, because Blake has not the attack.” I ask ting over it”. bodily gestures of these chatter- point; we imagine ourselves as successfully made his living his whether his work, with When I met ing beaks say more than enough. his characters. My enthusiasm whole life out of drawing, from all those eccentric characters Blake at Blake sketches a rough first was not universal. Blake saw a when he was published in Punch and wild adventures, is about es- and then draws over the barely letter saying that his American aged fifteen up to now. “Also,” he capism. He agrees, but does not visible image on the light agents had shown the book to continues, “because it’s books and seem entirely convinced. Later I box. Images come first, two unimpressed teachers, who because the words are important ask what he thinks the purpose stories later. When he said “We don’t think we can use I discovered I’m interested in the of drawing is. “It’s a sort of cele- draws he is thinking of it; everybody thinks it’s just kind editorial aspect of it – how you fit bration of…oh, I don’t know…” several things at once: of dumb. Although actually we the words and pictures together.” he laughs awkwardly, “… “the characters, how don’t know what children think Quentin Blake likens his role to being alive.” If this had it’s going to fit on the about it.” Perhaps those teach- that of a theatre director: “Here’s come from anyone page, and where that’s ers had no imagination, the text of the play – how do we else I would have going to go.” You get or perhaps Blake bring it about?” When he was considered it an the feeling that really is in a tiny working with Roald Dahl almost trite Blake only minority: an adult they would meet up and comment. ever draws who knows see if they could slightly But com- what he what children “change the text to see ing likes, and really think.

All illustrations COPYRIGHT QUENTIN BLAKE Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday April 25 2008 20 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts ‘You don’t have to do missionary’ e daughter of a businessman Anna Span became Britain’s fi rst female porn director in 1997 and soon won praise for her naturalistic sex-tapes and for her pioneering exposition of the ‘female point of view’. Zhiying Tsjeng chatted to her about buttplugs, Dirtpipe Milkshakes and believable scenarios

ithin the fi rst fi ve min- comes across as one of your more held camera, or the domain of who are appear, miraculously considering we’re so used to view- utes of interviewing the eminently sensible best friends, gullible, damaged young women naked and willing, in front of a ing porn as degrading and violent WUK’s “hottest porn director” (as the sort who will inform you, in (who are all implausibly blonde camera) says to a surveyor in her towards the fairer sex. Span cites problaimed by Arena magazine), your drunken Saturday night and lack pubic hair). Laddish fl at: “We’re red hot-blooded fe- Max Hardcore, an American I fi nd myself disappointed by state, that Lemsip and brandy humour of the “Ho ho ho! What males, yeah? We have needs just director notorious for violent sex several things: I have not been are not healthy alternatives to enormous breasts you have!” like any other women.” The man acts in his fi lms like ‘choking’ summoned by a man with a antibiotics. dominates. Film titles range looks vaguely terrifi ed, before (where a women is choked as she moustache to the ‘casting couch’; The offi ce we sit in could be any from the charmingly imaginative his libido gets the better of him. performs fellatio on a man), as di- there are no semi-nude porn offi ce in suburban Kent; if not for (Dirtpipe Milkshake is one) to the It’s reminiscent of a Wednesday rectors she emphatically does not stars milling around discussing the glass buttplug on the shelf just plain wrong (Bi-Pole-Her). night at Cindies. In other words, take after. She doesn’t, however, their crack addiction; the porn behind us, we could be in the Span, on the other hand, grad- this is probably about as realistic see it as a worrying indictment of director in question is wearing a offi ce of an interior decorator. The uated from Central St Martin’s porn is going to get. the industry: “There are fashions very restrained V-neck sweater buttplug in question is Span’s with a degree in Fine Art (Film Watching Span’s fi lms is a in porn, like everything else, and and has an Andreas Gursky print award from the Feminist Indie and Video). Her dissertation fi lm pleasure: the actors in it seem to behind her desk. The print is not Porn Awards, and sits alongside was styled by Ben Westwood, genuinely fancy each other; they of naked people. It is of a super- various other international porn Vivienne Westwood’s son. One of naturally fl irt, smile and laugh. “If somebody market aisle. awards, which might tip you her fi lms is called Hug a Hoodie. Span says she made a “conscious In fact, Anna Span is about off about something: Span likes This could as easily be a satirical decision” to make porn this way gets off on having as far from every porn cliché what she does, and she is very, look on ‘yoof culture’. As it turns – while her fi lms aren’t exactly you can think of. Her father was very good at it. out, it actually is – hilariously, going to win an award at Cannes their head down the fi nance Porn has a bad reputation: one of the hoodies in question is anytime soon, they feel natural, director of an it’s usually called Cameron – but it just so relaxed and fun. She says that a toilet, good for engineering the profes- happens that the hoodies have little details like “eye contact, lots company, and sion of choice lots of sex as well. One more foreplay and oral sex” make them. I have no she is funny, for slightly of the characters (and the difference – and they do. No smart, and very sweaty men these are characters, wonder her fi lms sell better in problem if there is articulate. She with a hand- mind, not just people female-friendly shops like Har- mony: they’re unintimidating, genuine consent.” inclusive, and actually show what women like – fi t men, pretty it’ll go out of fashion eventu- women, and believable scenarios. ally. But if somebody gets off on This is in sharp contrast to most having their head down a toilet, British porn, where sex is formu- good for them! I have no prob- laic, camera angles are unnatural lem if there is genuine consent.” and set, and performances are, She quotes Jacques Lacan, the for lack of a better word, plastic. French psychoanalyst: “Whatever Her approach to shooting porn gives you pleasure gives you as an organic process that pri- power. If you deny yourself pleas- oritises the entire sexual experi- ure, you disempower yourself.” ence has won her plenty of fans, What about the idea that including some pretty improbable many of these women are forced ones: gay men, for example, are into these situations? The US big fans of Hug a Hoodie. industry is much more “extreme” Despite the odd demographic than the UK’s, she says – “I hiccup in fanbase, Span has been certainly wouldn’t tell anybody marketed as the only British to do what they wouldn’t want fi lmmaker showcasing a genuine to do. It’s about ethical business. female point of view. She’s com- Anyway,” she says with a glint pletely open about what she does, in her eye, “there’s a wanker in and introduces herself to people any industry. People prostitute as “Britain’s fi rst female porn themselves in most jobs anyway. director” – a tag that usually Look at the City!” I think about provokes intrigue and downright this for a while: Span, despite excitement, especially among the tongue-in-cheek irony, has a women, who tend to launch certain point. If you’re going to straight into descriptions of what prostitute yourself for a job – and porn they’d like to see. The only we’re speaking metaphorically, people who didn’t approve were not literally – you might as well her parents – although they too get laid while doing it. have slowly begun to accept their In fact, Span has this to say to daughter’s chosen career. the anti-porn feminists: “They JANE HALL It can be diffi cult to see what hand over sex to men. Yes, there porn for women even entails, is a lot of misogynistic porn out Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 21

Another Thought Guilty Pleasures Isn’t it embarrassing when someone finds Fleetwood Mac on your iTunes?

onsider the situation – the title and a few nonsensical you’ve left your computer whisperings, with a drum unattended,C and a friend starts machine and some tinkling from fi ltering through your iTunes a computerized harp thrown in. library. A thought crosses your On the subject of indulgence, mind: do you stop them in their we should have a quick once tracks or do you give up the over of In The Air Tonight by pretence and let them realise Phil Collins; those advertising you’re actually a bit of a loser? geniuses just know that it fi ts “What the fuck is this? Fleetwood Cadbury’s chocolate perfectly. Mac?” “Umm, yeah, well the But then again you could just as thing is…” And then follow the easily cry to it as dance to it: just myriad of excuses. Your Dad used to play it in the car, it’s now ingrained in your childhood “ ere’s a reason memories. Or “God, I don’t know who put that on there, actually, why Fleetwood I think it must have been my uncle.” Or even “That’s not my are used to adver- computer. It’s stolen.” That’s the problem with guilty pleasures; tise M&S food; there, but the only way to engage Women are still concerned with ing it’s not what real life is like – where does the blame lie? How with that is to put out another al- being sexy for men. The power we porn is a performance, a fantasy.” far do you go to hide them? And they provide the ternative, not deny the whole lot.” don’t know is the power of female If Span gets her way, you’ll be most importantly, do you feel like In fact, Span used to be anti-porn sexuality, and of women being seeing a lot more of her online as you’ve betrayed old Phil Collins? most delicious herself. She had always been in- sexually fulfi lled.” In other words, well: “There’s a lot of piracy, and It’s like that episode of Peep terested in porn – she remembers we still live in a world where the DVD sales are dropping. Half Show: you have to shit on your cheese” being a small child and walking female sexual experience and of the industry is now amateur heroes to be welcomed into the listen to that drum riff and Phil’s into a newsagent, and looking at orgasm is not prioritised, and this – literally every man and his connoisseurs’ fold. bizarrely echoing voice. It follows the top shelf was like “looking at is exactly what Span’s porn tries dog is out there with a camera.” “She’s like a cat in the dark, a simple recipe, just like those somebody else’s secret garden”. to rectify. Accordingly, Span is moving into and then she is the darkness” is boy bands when, roughly three The turning point came when No wonder Span views porn the digital age and relaunching a classic sample from Fleetwood quarters of the way through she was on Old Compton Street, becoming more mainstream as her site – www.easyote.co.uk – Mac’s mysterious love song a ballad, they rise from their deconstructing her feelings of a good thing: “The more normal- with pay per view online content. Rhiannon. It almost reaches the chrome stools and perform a anger, and realising that she was ised it gets, the more women can I wish her well, and as I get up height of poetry – really crap classic key change. actually jealous that men had approach it, feel okay with it, and to leave, she drops a bombshell: poetry. But who can deny this The thing about guilty their Soho, their top shelf, their have an infl uence on what is pro- she’s getting married. This is motley crew their lyrical foibles? pleasures is that they not only place of safety in which to fanta- duced.” In fact, Span is currently about as far removed as it gets You just have to appreciate it, recreate certain eras of your life; sise and imagine – and women setting up an amateur fi lm com- from the idea of a nympho porn maybe because it conjures up the aforementioned car journeys, had nothing at all. petition for women, which will director (as suggested by my images of car journeys when you the ends of school discos (Bon Span has been in the business open next year. “Britain still has friends when I told them whom were too young to even know Jovi roaring out of a tinny for over ten years, and things are a ‘behind the bike sheds’ mental- I was going to interview). I ask where you were going, let alone speaker), and the times when slowly changing. The industry ity towards sex. We’re behind her if she’ll stop doing porn when to question your parents’ musical you have a ‘traumatic’ break up has traditionally been male-dom- Scandinavia and most of Europe she has children: “I’ll keep doing judgement. There’s a reason why and decide, like Fleetwood, to inated, and when she started, she in being relaxed about sex, and in porn – it’s not a bad thing, you Fleetwood are used to advertise “go your own way”. But they also had “absolutely no contemporar- terms of gender equality. It still can keep it separate.” M&S food; they provide the most create affi nity between like- ies to take advice from. Even sex exists, but you can’t single it out.” So: friendly, funny, feminist, delicious cheese on the market. minded souls; for every twat that shops used to have 95% male Doesn’t porn just perpetuate clever, in love, the owner of an Darlings of Magic FM, along sneers at those hidden gems in customers… Now it’s changing, that? “Attitudes towards women internationally-acclaimed busi- with Phil Collins, Sting, Simon your music library, there’ll be one they’re more couple-friendly.” have been terrible before porn ness, and producing great, fresh and Garfunkel and Crowded bright young thing that smiles She still struggles with the new was widely available, it has fi lms that women get off on. That House, they’re simply undeniably along with you in a knowing idea of female sexual liberation, more to do with society’s attitude just so happen to star several good. Magic FM’s tag line is fashion. And then you realise though. “There’s a danger of sex towards women.” Span thinks very attractive people, who all simply “magic indulgence”; and that you two people are a bit like becoming a luxury commodity,” that porn has a largely positive end up naked. Could it get any that’s just what it is, indulgence. Simon and Garfunkel, fi nding she says, citing the ludicrously effect; it shows you “don’t have to better than that? It’s all very Magic moments, mellow magic a bridge over troubled water. expensive Coco de Mer glass do missionary for the rest of your inspiring. I’m already planning and more. Let’s be honest, when You’re like Ronan Keating and dildo with a mink fur tail and life. It’s guys who can’t fi gure out my own series of Cambridge porn you listen to guilty pleasures, Stephen Gately: love the guilty Agent Provocateur lingerie. the difference between real life fi lms: Fuck a Fellow? Shag Your there’s low factor of intellectual pleasures for a reason, let that “That’s not breaking any bounda- and porn that it’s going to affect Supervisor? Bed the Bedder? I’ll input and a high output of reason be love. ries – we already know women negatively.” In other words, it’s let you know. In the meantime, feeling over meaning. All the Verity Simpson look better in nice underwear! like “going to a cinema and say- I’ll be surfi ng the Internet. lyrics consist of are repetitions of and Anna Trench Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday April 25 2008 22 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts Music is dead! Long live music!

Does iTunes signal the death of music? Not if Josh Farrington can help it. Here he gives us a wry run-down of the bands we’re all going to be talking about this summer

ver the years, many differ- far. They sound something like sun-soaked acoustic rever- ent spaces on the calendar former touring partners Los ies. Rumour has it an album Ohave been solemnly marked off Campesinos! what with their will be with us in summer as “the day the music died”. For boy-girl vocals and breakneck – right now it’s just bootlegs many, it was the 1959 plane guitar paciness, but there’s only (remember kids, every time crash that killed Buddy Holly, three of them, so I guess that you download something il- Ritchie Valens and the Big Bop- makes them like an elite three- legally, not only do you hurt per. For others it was 1969, and person SAS assassination squad the artist involved, you also the Altamont Festival in Califor- compared to Los Campesinos’! make a child in the third nia, where The Rolling Stones ramshackle piecemeal infan- world die) and some upcom- oversaw the death of the Sixties try division. They’re coming to ing live appearances. and the Hippie era as Meredith Cambridge in early May, and Hunter, a young black man, they may just be the most excit- Times New Viking was stabbed to death by a gang ing thing to happen to this town Much loved by Vice maga- of Hells Angels in the shadow since the opening of the Grand zine and other sources of the stage. More recently, we Arcade. of Nathan Barley-esque might see it as John Lennon’s hipness, but don’t let that shooting (1980), Kurt Cobain’s George Pringle put you off: these lot are the suicide (1994), or Duffy (still Of course, if you have any indie bollocks. Not only is their alive, alas). Personally, I reckon nous whatsoever, you’ll already name a brilliant font-based it’s when Limp Bizkit and Korn be au fait with all this stuff (in pun (and as any passing dropped All In The Family on fact, it’s probably already passé), ASNaC will tell you, Viking the poor unsuspecting world – a and if you are familiar with it, > Roman), they also manage song so bad it makes me wish we you’ll certainly have an opinion to sound like the American could go back and uninvent the on George Pringle. Hailing from Midwest shouting through process of recording sound. Oxford, this 22 year-old diseuse a toy microphone whilst The point is, music has been (look it up) crafts evocative and trashed out on children’s dying since it was born. These fluctuating electronic beats (on cough medicine. Some call might look like the end days, an iBook G4 named Truman it “shitgaze”, but frankly what with small record labels nonetheless), which provide a that’s disgusting. What this dying under waves of illegal backing for her spoken-word is, is uncompromising lo-fi downloads, big boys like EMI stream-of-consciousness lyrics garage rock with a veneer of collapsing in turmoil, and even (I’m calling it electroBeat poetry, shoegaze, heaps of melody, Glastonbury (seemingly the yeah?). It’s glamorous, caustic, and a sense of humour (the nation’s most loved event after heartfelt and cynical, and divid- first track on their last Christmas and new series of ing opinion faster than Maddie album Present the Paisley Doctor Who) failing to sell out, jokes. If the music the DJ keeps Reich was called Imagine but the Apocalypse isn’t quite playing says nothing to you about John Lennon Dead). Buy upon us yet. your life, listen to this instead their whole discography Under the gasping death rat- and hear all about shit parties, now before your little tle of the music industry, one can misguided makeovers, art house brother does. hear all sorts of exciting novel films, Street Fighter II, and “a sounds pounding out a tribal detailed scientific investigation Rage Against the Ma- tattoo from the depths of a fresh into light reflected on glass”. Like chine new musical womb. Here are Virginia Woolf for Generation Y, These aren’t new at all, five reasons to make like Dawn but without the big nose and pos- but who cares, it’s RAGE Porter, and get a front-row seat sible anti-Semitism. AGAINST THE FRICKIN’ down at the birthing pool. MACHINE. Back to rock Conor Oberst you like it’s 1999, Tom Johnny Foreigner Not exactly new, but neither is Morello’s guitar and the A band so good they literally the notion of a Democrat get- gang are bringing their make me snort pee out of my ting into the White House, and vitriolic righteousness eyes, and I don’t say that lightly. we’re all pretty chuffed about out for a tour of the world Emerging seemingly fully the possibility of that happening. and elsewhere (taking in formed from the musical wastes Oberst is better known as the Reading and Leeds festi- of Birmingham, they’re spear- front man of Bright Eyes, and he vals on the way), sizing heading a midlands revolt that is, as anyone who’s ever engaged up their political funk- does immediate and gratifying me in conversation will already metal rap-rock shtick penance for the areas’ most know, the greatest lyricist in the against The Man and recent offerings, the Twang and world today, possibly ever. The that all over again. If you the Enemy (I use ‘offerings’ man’s a poet, a preacher, an art- hate the Establishment here in the sense of your pet ist, a tortured soul, a lost boy, a (and quite frankly, fellow dog bringing you a dead bird as hero, a washed-up drug addict, middle-class Cambridge an offering, then looking at you a born-again hippy, a prophet, a students, who doesn’t?) with that face that says, “Yeah, protestor, a god. He’s performing and love gargantuan I just brought you a dead bird! under his own name with a fresh Jimmy Page sized riffs, Pretty disgusting, huh? I really backing band, and the new mate- this is the band reforma- hope this spoils your day.”). Pi- rial is as strong as anything he’s tion you’ve been waiting geon-holing is useless, but what ever done, pushing aside the edgy for. “Fuck you I won’t the hey: “yelp-rock” and “fight- and alcoholic angst of earlier do what you tell me” pop” are the best I’ve heard so material, in favour of Californian indeed. Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 23

Kingg You haven’t heard of Arthur Russell, but you probably should have. Daniel Cohen Arthur introduces a hero of alternative music

rthur Russell’s life, and the Over the 70s and early 80s, best possible way; soon a cowbell a less grating Antony Hegarty. oncile such intimate music, best characters that populated it, different genres that have helped onslaught is unleashed, and in it Bergsman, whose own voice can suited to solo listening, with the Amake it worthy of the biopic treat- define contemporary music were one can hear hints of the dance be heard on Young Folks and the exuberant dance productions, let ment. He collaborated with people born, or at least shaped, in the music of the future. On other work of the Concretes, describes alone all the other threads. Chro- as diverse as beat poet Allen Gins- city: punk, new wave, disco, hip- key songs like Go Bang and Is it as “so catchy, yet so stiff and nology doesn’t provide any an- berg, groundbreaking DJs Larry hop, electro. At the same time, It All Over My Face, remixed by shaky – it is almost annoying, very swers – Arthur was not embarking Levan and François Kevorkian, free jazz musicians and experi- François Kervorkian and Larry fragile like it is going to break on different career developments, Talking Heads frontman David mental composers were battling Levan respectively, Arthur melds any minute”. On his solo material, but producing much of this music Byrne, composer John Cage, and against structure and convention, experimentation and detail with the main accompaniment was at the same time. Some of the an aspiring rapper who would extending music further beyond an original, distinctive melodic his cello. Philip Glass wrote that songs heard on World of Echo in later become Vin Diesel (though recognizable forms. Arthur was sensibility. On Go Bang, someone Arthur “was a guy who could sit sketch form, like Treehouse and not all at the same time). Despite not actively engaged in all of sings “I want to see all my friends down with a cello and sing with it Let’s Go Swimming, were also this, he failed to achieve any real these scenes, but he personified at once”, and this serves as an in a way that no one on this Earth recorded as longer, remarkably success in his lifetime, and his the musical interaction taking different dance singles. Listening influence is better heard today place better than anyone. By to these alternate versions side-by- – it can be found in the music of following him on his different “Arthur was a guy who could sit down side is fascinating, and it reveals the DFA, Hercules & Love Affair, excursions, one gains insight into that Arthur was unwilling to split and the whole disco/punk-funk this extraordinary concentration with a cello and sing with it in a way up his songwriting. “Arthur’s mu- revival, and among artists like of creative energy, and Lawrence’s sic,” says Steve Knutson, “was not Jens Lekman, Panda Bear, Dirty biography uses Arthur to help re- that no one on this Earth had ever done about genre, it was simply Arthur Projectors, and Victoria Bergsman. tell the story of downtown. Arthur music.” As a fan of pop acts like His fans care deeply about his mu- joined a rock band, the Flying before, or will do so again” ABBA and Fleetwood Mac, and sic, and the more influential ones Hearts, featuring Byrne and com- the democratising power of their have played a key role in letting poser Rhys Chatham. Around the aim for these songs – there is had ever done before, or will do so music, Arthur would have hated it be heard. Lekman compiled, same time, he curated the 1974-5 something irrepressibly fun and again”. Sometimes, the cello pro- for distinctions to be made within and contributed to, last year’s 4 season at the Kitchen, an impor- sociable about them. They quickly vides rich ambience, or a rhythmic his output, particularly the idea Songs By Arthur Russell covers tant experimental performance evoke images of the world that effect, the melody coming mainly that some aspects were worthier EP. Steve Knutson, having worked space, where he collaborated with spawned them – Larry Levan’s from the vocals. His playing didn’t than others. His music broke for years at seminal hip-hop label Cage, and came to the attention Paradise Garage, David Mancuso’s always betray his conservatoire down boundaries between the Tommy Boy, founded Audika of Philip Glass. Loft parties, vitalic, polysexual training, but, with his beloved ef- carefree and the po-faced. With Records a few years ago with the He was best known for his disco New York before AIDS hit. Yet fects, conjured unexpected sounds his cello, he could create A Little sole purpose of releasing Arthur’s – electric blues, or a shoegaze Lost, a concise, pop gem; on dance music, much of it for the first soundscape. This is exemplified on cuts like the thirteen-minute In time; this, along with Soul Jazz “He had his eccentricities: every full 1986’s World of Echo, a solo album the Light of the Miracle he sum- compilation The World of Arthur on which Arthur is credited with moned spiritual ecstasy. He didn’t Russell, has been most important moon, he would get a haircut and go into ‘Vocals, Hand Percussion, Cello, so much subvert ideas of high and in reviving Arthur’s reputation. and Echoes’. With its fragmentary low culture as bypass them. After important coverage in the the studio, even if he didn’t have new feel, the album is like a musical Despite the wealth of details New Yorker and The Wire, interest sketchbook, and is not, at first, concerning Arthur’s life, little is shows no signs of slowing down: songs to work on” an easy listen; ideas are jumped known of his personality; this British academic Tim Lawrence between quickly, though on longer will be rectified by the biogra- has written a biography, Hold On productions. This was not the Arthur tended to keep a distance tracks like The Name of the Next phy and documentary. He was a to Your Dreams, and a documen- disco of Chic or Donna Summer, from these places – he would turn Song and Soon-To-Be-Innocent gentle man, and had his ec- tary about Arthur, Wild Combina- although Arthur played the glitzy up to hear how his songs sounded Fun-Let’s See, it gets into a trance, centricities: every full moon, he tion, was recently premiered at Studio 54 at least once, with his over their soundsystems, before with bowed, distorted riffs softly would get a haircut and go into the Berlin International Film Fes- cello hanging from his neck like quickly returning home. There is washing against the listener. the studio, even if he didn’t have tival. Thus a man who was nearly a guitar. Arthur’s music under real personality to this music – What is most appealing about new songs to work on. He was forgotten at his death has belat- his Loose Joints and Dinosaur even a goofiness, as with the Ham- World of Echo and Another also a perfectionist, recording edly become a hero of alternative L monikers, sometimes referred mer Horror cries of “Baaang!” on Thought, a compilation of more his songs in many different ver- and experimental music, and his to as ‘disco (not disco)’, operated Go Bang. As Blake Zidell, director accessible solo material released sions, and leaving behind more is a story worth telling. somewhere between that and the of the documentary, says, “there’s after his death, is their simplic- than a thousand tapes of his Arthur was born in Oskaloosa, more alternative music of New an insistence on clinging to child- ity, despite the reliance on effects. music. This is what allows Knut- Iowa, in 1952. At eighteen he left York. It was around this time like innocence and fun.” The melodies, though original, are son to maintain a steady, stream for San Francisco. He spent some that he very nearly joined Talk- Arthur’s solo works, only familiar; they have an already- of releases – next up is Love Is time in a Buddhist commune (he ing Heads, and Byrne contributed partially exposed at the time of heard quality. In its honesty, it is Overtaking Me, a compilation would remain a lifelong Buddhist), guitar to one of his best dance his death, reveal yet another side like folk music, and I, like Blake of Arthur’s folk/pop and country but when it was time to hand in songs, Kiss Me Again. The song to his music, while maintain- Zidell, “feel close to Arthur when songs. In a musical culture that his possessions, he couldn’t part has aged very well – over a simple ing this sense of personality. His he’s singing”. Bergsman puts it devotes so much energy to reis- with his cello. He left, and met beat, rubbery bass first competes disco tracks featured his vocals well: “he was truly genuine”, and suing and crate-digging, Arthur Ginsberg, whose poetry he accom- with a tense, brittle rhythm guitar, sporadically, and often as a kind of this is conveyed powerfully in is yet more proof that many panied onstage; the pair made sev- before the song opens up to ac- whispered chant. His proper sing- his solo songs. Again, images are artists are underappreciated in eral recordings together. Not long commodate pianos, and soulful, ing voice is instantly recognizable evoked, but this time of Arthur their lifetime, and that great- after, he moved to New York, which distressed female vocals. The song – it has an airiness to it, a total himself: a man in love with music, ness can still be rediscovered. To was entering an amazingly fertile goes through numerous develop- lack of self-consciousness. There playing his cello in his apartment, really find out about the man, period for music; he would remain ments – at one point it sounds aren’t many points of comparison: late at night. you have to listen to his music. there until his death in 1992. like an 80s AM radio hit, in the at times Nick Drake, occasionally It may seem impossible to rec- As he sang: let’s go swimming. Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday April 25 2008 24 REVIEW [email protected] varsity.co.uk/reviews

view from the Wolfson Howler groundlings Wolfson College MC: Chris Lander Comedy ★★★★★

The final Wolfson Howler of the top of the Cambridge last term was one of the fin- stand-up pile, while Keith est nights of comedy Cam- Akushie was particularly bridge has seen this year. impressive. Wordplay’s his Chirpy MC Chris Lander’s forte and he wittily delivered brainchild sees student com- observations of a blind obser- ics performing alongside “one vational comedian (“What’s So. Exam term and the ADC’s of the big guns” from the the deal with braille paper?”) shut up shop? A theatrical waste- circuit, with past headlin- and plugged his self-penned land stretches out before us, with ers Robin Ince and Andrew “physics meets Hip Hop no dramatic delights to entertain Lawrence stalwartly sup- drama, E=MC Hammer”. The and educate? Not so! All eyes ported by Footlights regulars Durham Revue’s Ed Gamble are on the Corpus Playroom and and the odd visiting student brilliantly characterised the the Round Church over the next comic. rambunctious ‘Salson Crumb weeks for an exciting programme The freshly shorn and - The Best Romantic Novel- of thespian thrills. much-less-geeky-looking ist In The World’, and the Martin Crimp is popular, with Nate Dern’s now infamous Howler would have been a both Cruel and Tender (week Lost Vagina Monologue has stonker even without Cana- one) and Fewer Emergencies become a bit of a cult hit in dian comic Glenn Wool’s (left) (week four) on at the Playroom. Cambridge (as, it seems, has piledriver of a headline set. Cruel and Tender is a new offer- Dern himself), and there was The Howler is fast becoming ing from Crimp, and is a modern no lukewarm reception for the standard by which other take on Sophocles’ Trachiniae, this opener. Essex girl Abi Cambridge stand up comedy while Fewer Emergencies is Tedder, raised on “Lambrini will be judged. There really about the violence that threat- and rape” and as hilariously is no excuse not to go. Get ens our modern lifestyles, and self-depreciating as ever down there. received rave reviews when it continued her ascent towards Ben Hayward ran at the Royal Court in 2006. Also in week one, Stephen Fry’s Latin! Or Tobacco and Boys is about a teacher who has a love affair with a pupil, and was When You Cure Me written whilst Fry was at Cam- Homerton College Small Studio bridge specifically for the Corpus Playroom. Dir: Kiran Gill The Union Flag at the Play- room (week two) is also new Theatre writing, directed by the author: ★★★★★ well worth a look. On in the same week, Journey’s End is set in the Somme in 1918, a study into the There is a notice on the door Their conversations skitter from strains of life in the trenches and of the Homerton Small Studio: the banal to the traumatic, as a celebration of resilience. ‘Warning: contains scenes which Rachel haltingly tells the story The intriguing Scaramouche viewers might find upsetting’. of her rape. Initially played with Jones or the Seven White Masks When You Cure Me is certainly a slightly stilted bashfulness, is the story of a clown from not an easy play to watch, but Eberhardt grows in stature as Trinidad who takes off his masks viewers should by no means stay the play progresses. Bulmer is (metaphorical or literal, who away. Shortly before the play painfully mesmeric, alternating knows?) at the end of an extraor- opens, seventeen-year-old Rachel between carefully unemotional dinary life; keep it in mind when was brutally raped and beaten by descriptions of her attack, flashes you’re sick of revision in week an unknown attacker. The shock of frightened anger, and hesitant three. It runs alongside Mamet’s of this has made her lose the use sexual advances towards Peter. Oleanna, which asks whether the of her legs, and now she lies in When You Cure Me is directed sexes can ever really understand her bedroom watched over by her by Kiran Gill, who is also Homer- each other. boyfriend, Peter, and sometimes ton College’s Welfare Officer The Playroom bill is rounded by his friends James and Alice. – all proceeds are being given to off with two classic playwrights in The four actors make a very RASAC (Rape and Sexual Abuse week seven. Sartre’s most famous strong team, portraying young Support Centre). Her staging of play, No Exit, will be known by friends coming to terms with the play is a result of a search most for its declaring “hell is Rachel’s attack with enforced for a way of raising awareness of other people”, while Pinter’s Old maturity and occasional vodka- sexual abuse without resorting Times has been placed deliber- swigging bravado. For long to “the traditional informational ately alongside. stretches the play is a two-hand- poster” or “a dramatisation of To celebrate Milton’s quadricen- er, with Katy Bulmer and Mat- an ‘issue’ ”. When You Cure Me tenary, his Comus is being staged thew Eberhardt giving moving achieves Gill’s aims in an effec- in Christ’s during May Week, performances as the damaged tive, disturbing manner. directed by Annilese Miskimmon, Rachel and the sensitive Peter. Elizabeth Dearnley who has worked with the English National Opera and at the Proms and Glyndebourne. Also directed Mahler’s music is every bit as exciting, opulently symphonic However, despite all the thrill by a professional, Simon Godwin, conflicted and complicated as view of the work, closer in Barenboim’s forward momen- John Kinsella’s Comus: An Anti- Mahler Mahler himself, and particu- spirit to Barbirolli’s Dionysian tum generates, there is some- Mask is on at the same time. larly in his ninth symphony recording and in stark contrast thing missing from the outer On the more musical side of Symphony No. 9 – probably his best – he wrote to Karajan’s classic perform- movements. As Alban Berg things, Holst’s Savitiri is on at music which not only permits ances as Apollonian essays on pointed out, this is the work the Round Church in week seven, Daniel Barenboim/ differing interpretations, but beauty. of a man desperately wanting which promises to be a very Staatskapelle Berlin positively demands them; it The Staatskapelle Berlin to live in the face of death, but atmospheric production and a is music ‘better than it can yields nothing to the more Barenboim’s reading of these great opportunity to see opera for be performed’, to paraphrase famous Berlin Philharmonic, movements is all too lively, a fraction of what a professional Artur Schnabel. Daniel Baren- particularly in the wind and too alive, for the struggle and show would cost. boim recently expressed dis- brass, who give all they’ve got. tension within really to be felt, If operatics aren’t really your taste for discussion of Mahler’s This, along with Barenboim’s unfortunately diminishing thing, the term ends with the music in terms of his (neu- thrilling ability to sculpt the catharsis this symphony ADC May Week musical High rotic) personality, and there Mahler’s symphonic climaxes, brings in other performances. Society in Emmanuel Fellows’ Classical is certainly none of the angst makes for a performance of the Still, this is an unusually well- Garden: a great way to see it off or Weltschmerz of Bernstein’s central movements up with the played and stunningly well- in style. ★★★★★ recordings here. Neverthe- very best, with a grippingly recorded performance. Alex Reza less, Barenboim’s is a live-wire brutish Rondo-Burlesque. Carl Fulbrook Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/reviews [email protected] REVIEW 25

sentially English eccentricities. There are still flashes of The Young The Young Knives would prob- inspiration in songs like Coun- albums ably like to join their ranks. To ter and Fit 4 U, but the witty every right-minded person be fair to them, they are a band bathos, the irony of some of the should own Knives who enjoy wearing tweed, and older songs has gone. They’re just whose guitarist calls himself ‘The taking things a bit too seriously, Superabundance House of Lords’. This eccentric and a whole album’s worth is streak was somewhat endearing just a chore to listen to. Up All and made them stand out from Night provides a diversion in its the indie crowd with their debut self-deprecating asides at mi- album Voices of Animals and nor celebrity – “everybody looks Young Men. Unfortunately, it’s famous…everybody is special in now starting to feel slightly con- their mind’s eye” – but it’s not trived and begins to grate. The quite enough. Musically and vo- Music The Queen, bubble and squeak, angular riffs begin to get jarring cally they still sound limited, but Eastenders, endless cups of tea, song after song, while the wit with fewer flashes of lyrical wit, it ★★★★★ the enduring popularity of Cilla and lightness of the first album seems more obvious. Black; these are all quintes- is lacking. Henry Donati Ben Folds Five Whatever and Ever Amen Supergrass Beyond Measure: I have ranted about it on these pages before, but your enjoy- Conversations across science and art ment of an album or a song Diamond Hoo Ha is massively dependent upon Kettle’s Yard where you hear it. So, some Music Exhibition music might sound best loung- ★★★★★ ★★★★★ ing on the Backs on a heavy midsummer day, but then some music might sound best through headphones on an icy style, we get a series of songs lamp-lit street. In the wrong that just sound like a bad Led context, even the most perfect Zeppelin tribute band. Occa- song can just seem crap. sionally a song such as Rebel So, as I write these words, I in You will capture some of am sitting in a self-consciously the manic but jaunty energy shabby coffee shop in the Mis- of their earlier, better, songs, sion district of San Francisco. but it isn’t worth buying an This is important, not because album for one mediocre song. I want you to think I am all When they sing in the man- cool and transatlantic (at least ner of Johnny Cash of stolen not entirely), but because it cars, bloody knuckles, toilet has massively influenced my walls, shotguns and late night choice of album. I was going boozing sessions all you can to write about the album Set hear is middle-aged postur- It’s hard to take Supergrass se- Yourself on Fire by Stars; but ing. The jerky opening guitars riously. Since they blasted onto the thing is, whilst every right of The Return Of… are good, the Britpop scene in the 90s minded person should indeed but then, a band such as the with their unmistakably catchy own a copy of that album, it Strokes have already been songs such Caught by the Fuzz is completely at odds with my there, and done the same and Alright, they have forever current surroundings. That’s thing, but better. been associated with chirpy, an album for misty autumnal And then there is the incon- carefree pop music. However, evenings but I’m currently sur- gruity of a song such as Ghost with their latest album Dia- rounded by baking Californian of a Friend, which sounds as if mond Hoo Ha they seem to sidewalks. So, flicking through they have become a Christian try and squash such youthful my iPod and looking for some- anti-folk band. Supergrass associations; from the opening thing suitable, I find myself have always managed to pull skuzzy guitar of the first song compelled to write about What- together an eclectic mix of to the title of another, Whiskey ever and Ever Amen by Ben influences, moving in one song & Green Tea, they attempt to Folds Five. through a potted history of evoke the sweaty mosh pit of a It is essentially a fantastic British post-punk pop music. rock stadium or the decadence summer album with absolutely But here these influences seem of “dirty streets” (Bad Blood). no duff songs. From the manic to overwhelm them, and it Unfortunately this just doesn’t Dodecathdrons, Archachartina ing photographs of preopera- piano of One Angry Dwarf and seem to ring true. ultimately falls apart. shells, conoids, cyclides and tive drawings on a baby’s face. Emma Hogan Two Hundred Solemn Faces to Instead of their signature sterometry: I didn’t even know In all, Kettle’s Yard had filled the vaudeville-on-acid, swing these words existed and I still its exhibition space with the clarinet and brass driven, Ste- don’t know what they mean, kind of stuff that would have ve’s Last Night in Town to the having successfully avoided, actually got me interested in pitch-perfect melancholic pop of my whole life, anything science as a fourteen year old. Brick (the perfect soundtrack to remotely mathematical or But I don’t think it’s too late. an accidental teen pregnancy), it scientific, and planting myself Without reading the blurbs is an album of indie-pop gems. firmly on the side of the arts. it’s often impossible to guess And the crowning glory has But what the current exhibi- whether the works on show to be Evaporated. What a song! tion at Kettle’s Yard shows is are by artists, physicists or In the kingdom of piano-driven that the line dividing science engineers. What comes across pop songs it would definitely be and art is very thin indeed, so well is the fact that all the king. It has that extremely and every artist, whether a these professions understand rare quality of a song that is draughtsman or a sculpture, at and explore their thought immediately captivating but some point can’t avoid cross- processes by doing and mak- then never dies; I must have ing it. ing. Christopher Wren’s 1697 listened to it over five hundred Beyond Measure is a measuring device looks almost times and it has never lost its crammed exhibition of sprawl- surgical. The wooden models potency. That is the sort of pop ing ideas. Walking around that exploring atom shapes quality and durability that one is amazed by the visual look like building blocks chil- Simon Cowell’s bleeding women excitement on offer, from a dren play with. When I went can only dream of. mathematician’s textiles ex- there were several children Every right-minded person ploring hyperbolic surfaces, to running around and loving should own a copy of Whatever beautiful nineteenth century it. It was heartening to know and Ever Amen by Ben Folds drawings of lunar surfaces, they probably understood Five, and if you disagree, I’m to nu-rave paper prototype less of the geometry than me, sure it is just your surround- models, to exquisite zigzagged but when there are so many ings. I am guessing it is cold snail shells. There are pages beautiful colours and shapes and windy in Cambridge as you ripped from architects’ sketch- at every corner and even a read this. In which case dig up books, scientific graphs of Jazz chance to make your own the Stars album I mentioned. scores, computer generated snowflake, that doesn’t really Or make your way to Califor- images of bizarre floating matter. nia. Whichever is easiest. protein structures and unnerv- Anna Trench Oli Robinson Want to be listed? Friday April 25 2008 26 VIEWListings [email protected] varsity.co.uk/listings fi l m theatre music other going out Persepolis Latin! Or Tobacco The Fratellis Quentin Blake Ben Westbeech (Live Arts Picturehouse, various and Boys Sun 27th, The Junction, 19.00, Wed 30th April, Cambridge DJ set) times Tues 29th Apr- Sat 3rd May, Sold out Union, 19.30, Union Fri 25th March, Clare Cellars, Corpus Playroom, 21.30. membership required 21.00-00.30, £4, student ID The Fratellis are, without a Written in 1980 by Stephen shadow of doubt, the worst After getting stuck in a bit pick Fry (everyone’s favourite band I have ever seen. It of a D ‘n’ B hole, the Clare Cantabrigian...), Latin! was wasn’t just the derivative and Cellars have a new ents team, tailored made for Corpus tedious pub-rock drivel they and they promise hipper, more Playroom. Now it’s making emitted, or even the arrogant diverse fare. First up is this of a return, and it’s full of incompetent delivery; but the Giles Peterson protégé, who Director Marjane Satrapi the usual Fry fare - public crowd. They were on the hails from Bristol. He seems gives the viewer an school boys, a gay love affair same bill as the Horrors (who to have imbibed the trip-hop the insight into her childhood, between pupil and master, of Western brethren Massive set during the Iranian are a joke band so its ok) and This man drew your childhood. Attack, as well as soul, jazz, and a bitter but informed the Maccabees (who were ac- revolution. You may think rival. Oh, and cricket, of Without him, Roald Dahl and dance music. His original animation fi lms are not your tually good) but the crowd only wouldn’t have been the same. approach to DJing has him week course. Should be a ruddy had eyes for the Fratellis. And thing, but trust us, this one good show. He’s illustrated over 300 spinning records and singing really works, and proves they loved it. Every soulless, books, and you can read an over the top. DJ Frankly Sick that this genre can subtly chauvinistic, mind-numbing interview with him on Page will start things off with some and successfully mix comedy minute of it. I have never felt 19. Come along and mourn ‘sick shit’ (fi dget, minimal, and emotion. so alone in my whole life. your lost youth. baile funk). friday Persepolis When You Cure Me Marti Pellow Beyond Measure: Ben Westbeech Arts Picturehouse, 12.00, Judith E. Wilson Drama The Corn Exchange, 19.30, £7.30 conversations across art and Clare Cellars, 21.00-00.30, £4 14.15, 19.00, 21.15 Studio, 19.30 science Deception L’amfi parnaso Greasy Scottish man famous for Kettle’s Yard, 11.30-17.00, free See pick of the week Vue, 13.40, 16.20, 19.00, 21.40 Round Church, 20.00 being wet and feeling it in his In Bruges fi ngers (and in his hair). Looks at how geometry is Vue, 13.20, 16.00, 18.50, 21.20 used by artists and scientists. saturday25 The Last Mistress When You Cure Me Yo Yo Yo Litvinenko French Tapestry and Uncle Listings says: think Arts Picturehouse, 16.00, Judith E. Wilson Drama The Graduate, 19.30, £3.00 Illustration about your degree, kiddo. 20.45 Studio, 19.30 Fitzwilliam Museum, 10.00- Still Life L’amfi parnaso Generic Rock from a band 17.00, free Arts Picturehouse 17.00 Round Church, 20.00 named after a Russian spy who Forgetting Sarah Marshall died. They have a fi nger on the Vue, 12.50, 15.30, 18.20, 21.00 beating pulse of now. Yep.

sunday Young and Innocent The theatrical void is upon us The Fratellis Noszferatu: Dutch There’s something on at The 26 Arts Picturehouse, 14.30 again. The Junction, 19.00, sold out Connections (Sunday Coffee Place, I believe, but its owners My Brother is an Only Concert) have rather overlooked its Child See pick of the week. Kettle’s Yard, 12.00, £4/£6 unsuitability for Google. Arts Picturehouse, 14.00 The Anglo-Dutch collective 27 Dresses explore the music of the Hague Vue, 10.30, 15.20, 20.40 School.

monday Persepolis You could get drunk and Britten Sinfonia Field Matshall Lord Vincent Fat Poppadaddys 27 Arts Picturehouse, 12.00, watch Mean Girls... West Road Concert Hall, 20:00, Cambridge Union, 19.00 Fez, 22.00-03.30, £3 before 11, 14.15, 19.00, 21.15 £5.00 Concessions. £4 after Deception Field Marshall Vincent is a Vue, 13.40, 16.20, 19.00, 21.40 There is only one Britten piece former Chair of the Military Son of Rambow on the bill. I call that false Committee of NATO. Arts Picturehouse, 14.00 advertising. tuesday28 Offside Cruel and Tender Miss Dee Made For Export: Chinese Kinki Arts Picturehouse, 11.00 Corpus Playroom, 19.00 The Graduate, 19.30, £4 Nineteenth-Century Flower Ballare, 22.00-03.00, £3 Three and Out Latin! Or Tobacco and Boys Drawings Vue, 12.40, 15.10, 18.00, 20.50 Corpus Playroom, 21.30 What does the world need? I Fitzwilliam Museum, 10.00- You, The Living know; more female divas. Yes! 17.00, free Arts Picturehouse, 17.00 This one sings along to midi fi les. Yes! Yes! wednesday 29 You, The Living Cruel and Tender Lethal Bizzle Quentin Blake Part of the Fairniture Arts Picturehouse, 17.00 Corpus Playroom, 19.00 The Junction, 19:00, £12.00 Cambridge Union, 19.30 Kambar, 22.00-03.00, £3 The Last Mistress Latin! Or Tobacco and Boys The Pins ‘n’ Needles/Fee Fi Arts Picturehouse, 16.00, Corpus Playroom, 21.30 Lethal Bizzle’s real name is See pick of the week Fo Fum crew return with 20.45 Maxwell but one day he found a some of the best student 21 really sharp Bizzle on the street DJs dropping grooves and Vue, 14.20, 17.20, 20.15 and kept it in a shoe box. bangers. thursday 30 In Bruges Cruel and Tender Adele This House regards Jordan as a Spponfed: D:Bridge, Nutone, Vue, 13.20, 16.00, 21.20 Corpus Playroom, 19.00 The Corn Exchange, 19.30, feminist icon and Logistics Happy-Go-Lucky Latin! Or Tobacco and Boys £15.00 Cambridge Union, 18.30, mem- Fez, 22.00-03.00, £5/£6/£7 Arts Picturehouse, 13.30, Corpus Playroom, 21.30 bers 16.00, 18.30, 21.00 This is the bleeding edge of in- Features Edwina Currie, and Drum ‘n’ Bass DJ D:Bridge novation in music. I LOVE it. Independent sex columnist marks the release of his new 1 Catherine Townsend. album, ‘The Gemini Principle’. More... Comedy Going Out Free Stuff Russell Brand Indie Soc’s Rebellious Kettle’s Yard Free Exhibition, Saturdays, 9pm, Jukebox every day Radio 2 Sat 26th April Revising for exams I know, I know, I hated Rus- All day, every day, sell Brand too. I saw him in The Graduate Edinburgh 5 years ago and 19:30 Without a break, thought he was a complete arse. until you weep And believe me; I really, really A free club night at the wanted to hate this radio show. Graduate for those who cant Desperately wish- But I can’t. It is genuinely, bare Cindies. Expect lots of ing it was mayweek hands-down, fantastic. It is the CSS, The Fall, Stone Roses All day, every day, closest that pop culture gets to and The Chalets. Dress Without a break, genuine art. Full Stop. I can- Code: Converse. until you weep not recommend it more. Award winning swimming pool design from Patrick Kingsley www.gallerypk.co.uk

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Great Works of Art in Cambridge #9: All Saints’ Church Jesus Lane

ll Saints’ Church, opposite Je- nate the patterns on the north wall sus, is arguably one of the best before retreating back across the keptA secrets in Cambridge. This is tiled floor. not particularly surprising, given Another aspect worthy of atten- that Cambridge is a city which tion is the East Window, whose Old probably has too many churches. Testament subjects are designed by From the outside it is one of those three members of the Pre-Raphael- churches which makes one wish ite group: Morris, Edward Burne- that the Victorians hadn’t been so Jones and Ford Madox Brown. keen on religion; it is large and These are stylish figures mostly in grey and unattractive. Its tall spire blue and yellow. The stained-glass pollutes the Cambridge skyline windows are like the church as a alongside the equally unworthy St whole: seeming ugly and pointless John’s Chapel. It does, however, from the outside, but glorious from have one great attraction. And it’s the inside. It is refreshing to visit not the altar, or the paintings, but a church which is more style than the walls. content: one gets the sense that William Morris was commis- is doesn’t really matter who the sioned to design the walls at the figures are, the important thing is east end of the church, when it was that they look great. Don’t miss St first built in 1870. They are large George, looking very pleased with golden stencilled diaper patterns himself on the top-right corner, interwoven with monograms. Cam- whose posing wouldn’t look out of bridge craftsman Frederick Leach place in Vogue. painted much of the rest of the It doesn’t deserve to be the best inside and his son completed the kept secret in Cambridge. It should job in 1905. be seen by other people than There are very few visitors, most- disoriented tourists. It is largely ly lured in by the ‘Church Open’ unused, except for the occasional sign outside, and the only sign of concert, and the visitor is left alone life is an organist who practices to admire the designs without be- there. During the early afternoon, ing bothered by the expectation of slanting rays of sun pierce the any kind of piety. stained-glass windows and illumi- Orlando Reade

JASE TAYLOR Sport editor: Henry Stannard and Luke Thorne Friday April 25 2008 28 SPORT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/sport Sports Round-up

Blues Tennis Golf Blues just miss out Consul and David Normoyle, a US This left the BUSA team trophy wins and 3 losses, seeing them draw This year saw the 119th Golf Varsity Golf historian playing the game of An emphatic 10-0 victory over up for grabs, Cambridge drawing their part of the fi xture. Match held at Royal Liverpool Golf his life. As the day drew to a close Durham sealed the Blues’ place in Manchester in the fi rst round at The Men’s Varsity match dates Club on Friday 28th and Saturday it became clear that the entire the BUSA Premier League, whilst home. The team of Jonny Tassell, are confi rmed as July 1st and 2nd 29th of March. The pre-match talk result hinged on this one match. an 8-2 defeat away to Bath saw their Rob Blythe, John Western and Ben at the National Tennis Centre in revolved around the strength of the Having been at one point 3 holes cup dream come to an end. Cole started well, with notably Roehampton, London. Tassell, the Oxford side with the dark blue ranks down with 6 to play, Normoyle sum- It has been a successful year so far strong doubles victories. Quick Blues captain, after a meeting last having been swelled by the arrival moned a reserve of mental fortitude for Cambridge, topping the Mid- singles wins from Cole and Blythe week commented, “We are incred- of Claudio Consul, the 2002 German to somehow fi ght back and square lands league after an 8-2 victory at closed out a categorical win, Tassell ibly lucky to strike this agreement and 2004 Italian Amateur Cham- the match on the 35th green. Head- home to Nottingham. John Western and Western making it 10-0 overall. to hold the match at the LTA pion. Cambridge, however, went ing to the last hole, and under enor- and Jonny Tassell continued their Bath stood in the way of a semi-fi nal headquarters. Playing at such a into Varsity on the back of a series of mous pressure, Normoyle sent an unbeaten runs, earning Cambridge berth against Oxford or Loughbor- venue will benefi t the players and be promising Lent term performances, enormous drive down the centre of a playoff spot at home to Durham. ough and, despite their best efforts, a memorable experience for all who inspired by the intense coaching re- the fairway, whilst Consul’s drive Despite the match anticipated to this proved a step too far. attend.” Playing in this environment gime implemented by Tom Woolsey. caught the wind and headed towards be the biggest fi xture of the season, In other news, Oxbridge was dealt should bring out the best in the The Friday foursomes (alternate the Out of Bounds, only to land just the Light Blues cruised home with a defeat in the annual fi xture away two sides and make for an intense shot format) saw some atrocious short of danger, in the left rough. a crushing 10-0 victory over the to the All England Lawn Tennis and competitive sporting spectacle, weather conditions, with a strong Seizing his opportunity, Consul northerners, catapulting them into Club at Wimbledon, although Cam- following last year’s victory for wind and driving, often horizontal fi red a superb long iron to the cen- the Premier League for 2008/09. bridge can be happy with their 3 Cambridge at Queen’s Club. rain lashing the course. It was per- tre of the green. Normoyle mean- haps this constant battering that while caught his approach heavy, contributed to Cambridge’s sur- thereby allowing Consul to clinch render of a promising lunch-time the narrowest of victories for Oxford John’s completed their lead, eventually fi nishing the day and leave Cambridge devastated. fourth consecutive League 3 points to 2 down. The talismanic and cup double with a 36-5 Consul had proved his worth with News from Henley win over Catz at Grange Rd. a series of clutch shots down the stretch, as he and partner Edward At the women’s boat race this Oddy defeated the Cambridge year our girls were sadly gunned top pair Amir Habibi and Ruar- down in bad weather by their more aidh Stewart on the fi nal green. powerful Oxford counterparts in Despite the disappointing end both the 1st and 2nd VIIIs race, as to Friday, the next day’s singles were the men’s lightweights. For- started extremely brightly. Need- tunately for them, however, face ing to win six out of the ten matches, was saved by a sterling perform- Captain Tom Woolsey led by exam- ance from the women’s lightweights ple, dominating his Oxford counter- who found a well of inner strength part to secure a commanding 8&7 and belief to sprint past the opposi- victory. Remarkably, eight of the tion at the death. remaining singles were also settled On the tideway Goldie also lost early on. The one exception to the by a signifi cant margin, having fad- rule was the encounter between ed midway through the race. BEX ROBERTS

Games & puzzles Varsity crossword no. 485 Kakuro ments. (5) Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in 1 1 2 3 4 4 5 6 7 the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never 20 To start with it’s always curly use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur hair. (4) in the same row in a separate run). 9 21 Bad moods, running out of © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore booze? (3, 7) COMPETITION Win a bottle of wine from our friends at Cambridge Wine 8 10 9 23 28 3 4 16 23 Southern sailor (Dominic) gains Merchants. Last week’s winner was Charles Bird. 19 celebrity status. (7) Re-arrange the letters by rotating the discs to create six 11 10 11 25 Go mad and turn Rio around. separate six-letter words leading in to the centre. Email your (3, 4) answer to [email protected] 24 11 12 26 Pranced initially right over Jackets meadows particularly enjoying 14 14 dunes. (6) 12 17 27 A mythical creature hiding in A N 21 15 13 16 14 15 the summer mangroves. (6) A F 6 13 G O 23 17 17 18 Down: L H ? H 7 14

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D 24 25 5 Manage the race. (3) P vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 6 Sneak peek at one after priest is © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 23 24 25 in church seat. (7) 7 Polite battles? (5, 4) EDELSHAIN MADE BY ADAM 3 5 2 7 1 6 4 10 Goths won’t move to an empty place. (5, 4) Sudoku 2 4 6 7 7 3 7 28 26 27 13 Synthetic material is made of The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only petrol, yes? (9) one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the 5 6 5 2 1 5 7 digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 15 When fertility ends, males have © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore nothing to stop. (9) 6 4 4 5 3 2 3 Across: 11 Collect the meat or be decapi- 17 Boring and monotonous sound 7 1 tated. (3, 3, 4) on instrument. (7) 9 4 3 7 1 3 1 4 5 1 1 Stop! The German is German. (6) 12 Lazily I would have lazy ends. (4) 19 It is needed to hear a murder? (7) 4 There is a 50% chance that its 13 Worker in the Post Offi ce Christ- 22 God of the north is a prick. (5) 2 3 5 6 2 5 3 6 1 6 cancer. (6) mas play. (5) 24 Half of eleven? (3) 8 Police operation after gangster 14 Teams who changed a little bit. (8) 4 9 7 5

1 3 7 4 5 5 2 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com gives us an alcoholic drink. (7) 16 Two Greek characters are miss- 2 1 6 Game of the Season 9 United Nations has never ing a list of letters. (8) changed distress. (7) 18 Vocally pummels the require- Set by Ed Thornton 3 4 6 7 Last issue’s solutions © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 4 6 5 9 7 1 2 3 8 3 22 31 25 1 2 1 6 4 3 7 3 17 7 8 1 2 6 3 5 4 9 6 9 8 1 2 22 8 9 4 3 6 2 1 5 7 18 16 2 9 3 4 8 5 7 6 1 2 9 7 9 7 5 4 3 6 2 5 1 9 4 6 7 2 8 1 5 3 Answers to last week’s crossword (no. 484) 3 12 1 2 4 8 6 4 2 4 7 1 3 3 2 7 1 5 6 9 8 4 Across: 1 comedy, 4 lava-lamp, 9 misuse, 10 thumbs up, 12 fl attery, 13 adhere, 15 recap, 16 laptop, 19 forego, 20 hello, 23 accept, 24 festival, 26 electric, 27 recoil, 28 reserved, 7 5 4 10 4 5 1 8 3 9 4 6 2 7 7 3 5 3 1 5 7 3 3 4 4 2 29 wholly. 13 6 5 4 8 1 7 3 9 2 3 1 2 7 2 3 5 6 1 7 3 1 3 9 5 4 2 8 7 6 12

Down: 1 campfi re, 2 mismatch, 3 desktop computer, 5 ache, 6 armed to the teeth, 7 answer, 8 pepper, 11 trolley, 14 opposed, 17 olive oil, 18 foul play, 21 career, 22 screws, 25 8 9 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com 9 3 5 1 7 7 6 6 4 8 7 2 6 3 9 4 1 5 side. Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 29 Bulwarks of the Blues » Varsity looks at the best of the university sporting world in an awards roundup through the lens of Sophie Pickford of www.sophiepickford.com

Team of the Year College Team of the Year

Our undefeated Lacrosse girls St John’s quadruple-double winning rugby team might well be the best Blues are so good that next year no undergraduate will team in history, winning a BUSA be able to recall a game that they have lost. This league and cup double, as well as year’s undisputed highlight, however, was surely comprehensively stuffi ng Oxford the Durex-tight defence that they displayed, surviv-

SOPHIE PICKFORD three times in one season. ing Jesus’ onslaught to draw 3-3. JAMES TAYLOR Individual Performance Team Performance

Both Rugby teams pulled off outstanding victories against all the odds in their respective Var- sity matches., coming back from SOPHIE PICKFORD Light-Heavyweight boxer James horrendous seasons to record Mahan lit up this year’s Varsity decisive victories at the crunch. match, demolishing his opponent Best Rookie with a knockout in the fi rst round. You wouldn’t want to run into him in a dark alley, would you? SOPHIE PICKFORD Best Coach SOPHIE PICKFORD Mens Sana in Tobias Garnett. Corpore Sano TobiasAn undergraduate Garnett broke down stereotypes byin being the Blue the fi Boat?rst undergraduate to In between studying rowSurely in the not. Blue Boat for years. for a PhD in genetics, veteran Aussie Tom James has found time to row three times in the Boat Race.

Game of the Season

James Waters coached this year’s wom- en’s Blues hockey side to BUSA glory, JAMES WATERS coming out on top in their league with

some scintillating stick work. SOPHIE PICKFORD Sport editor: Henry Stannard and Luke Thorne Friday April 25 2008 30 SPORT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/sport

Gamblers Unanimous Lacrosse net championship

Ed Peace & » Blues beat Birmingham to seal an unbeaten season with Niall Rafferty victory in the BUSA final The chances are you’ll have had a good Easter if you’re Welsh, a Manchester United fan, or an admirer of Carla Bruni’s fi gure. You’ll have had a terrible vacation if you’re trying to get a mortgage, an international jet-setter who passed through Terminal 5, or a follower of Gambler’s Unanimous. Our betting woes reached an all time low on Grand National Sat- urday when Cloudy Lane, prob- ably scared stiff by the volume of bright-orange female fl esh on display at the Liverpool track, fi n- ished just out of the places in sixth. This week, our banker travels across the pond, where the NBA is heating up as the play-off sea- son gets underway. The Eastern Conference has been dominated by the Boston Celtics, who have won 66 matches, losing a mere 16 times in the process. The Celt- ics owe their success thus far to the dream team of Garnett, Al- len and Pierce, who could propel the Celtics to their 17th NBA The Blues midfi eld pour Championship. With the Eastern conference therefore all but won, through in attack as Ros our source in Boston has no doubt Lloyd looks for a pass that the Celtics, under coach Doc Rivers, can maintain their blis- tering form to be crowned the CAMBRIDGE Birmingham took 12 minutes to chipped in with a second of the semi-fi nal that preceded it (a 15-3 NBA Champions of 07/08. Whilst get on the board, but came back day with just fi ve minutes of the thrashing of Oxford). Birmingham the odds may refl ect the Celtics’ 11 with vigour, led by their England second half gone. Birmingham scored again, but for the rest of supremacy, at 15/8 it’s a banker. internationals, resulting in a late responded to make it 8 - 6, but the game the Blues defence held The ‘prediction’ casts its eyes OXFORD Birmingham comeback at the end Birmingham struggled to match fi rm, Carnegie-Brown ably sup- towards the Crucible theatre 7 of the fi rst half. Meanwhile the Cambridge through the midfi eld ported by Hurt, Gotla and Lep- in Sheffi eld, which comes alive Birmingham goalie and her de- pard, delivering Cambridge their for two weeks every year when fence had plugged the leaks be- 11 - 7 winning margin. The Blues it opens its doors to the World Varsity Sports Reporter fore they turned into a fl ood, the were BUSA champions, for the Snooker Championships. The man only goal Birmingham conceded fi rst time in the club’s history. to back this year in Sheffi eld is fl y- The Women Lacrosse Blues after six minutes was a defl ected Hearts were pounding, Their captain said, “Although ing Scotsman Stephen Maguire, wrapped up a perfect season on off a defender’s stick. Suddenly, legs were aching, but we had our international stars, who can cap a superb season with 13th of March, defeating Birming- Birmingham had pulled it back to what made our team so good was his fi rst ever world title. The 27- ham University 11 - 7 at Mount St 5 - 5. the season wasn’t going its strength in depth. There was year-old Glaswegian has already Mary’s College, Sheffi eld, to add Half time in the BUSA fi nal. to fall apart. no weak defender the opposition won the Northern Ireland Trophy the BUSA championship fi nal to Scores even. Hearts were pound- could target, no single attack they and China Open, and ended run- their Varsity win and Southern ing, legs were aching, but the could mark out - when they tried ner-up to Ronnie O’Sullivan in the Premier league title. season wasn’t going to fall apart gaps opened up everywhere. I’m UK Championship. What’s more, Former England U19 Kate Mor- in the last 30 minutes. Character- so proud of all of them.” Maguire’s received a favourable land led the Blues with a hat-trick. istically stern words from Blues as the game wore on, Michaels, The Blues Lacrosse Team draw, which has been further im- Her fi rst goal capped an early captain and goalie Alex Carnegie- Knight, Garvey and Walshe show- have had a season to remember l; proved by the early exit of Mark four-goal Cambridge run started Brown at halftime re-energised ing excellent fi tness and devas- BUSA Champions, Varsity win- Selby. The Scotsman had stormed by midfi eld playmaker Ros Lloyd her team, and they came out of tating pace. Morland wrapped up ners and South Premier League into a 8-1 lead against Anthony before the three minute mark, the blocks quickly to grab another her hat-trick, fi nishing over an Winners. They were unbeaten Hamilton when we went to press, after the scoring had begun with healthy lead. Vullinghs picked up onrushing Birmingham goalkeep- all season, 15 games with a goal and if he can build some momentum, a trademark opener, Fauvet to her second goal of the game, fi n- er, before Emily Knight made it difference of +150 including four on-fi re Maguire can reign at 9-2. Lloyd. Jackie Vullinghs and El- ishing a fast break after just 18 10 - 6. It was perhaps fi tting that matches against Oxford, and with Though most racing punt- lie Walsh followed up with scores seconds. Morland put away a long Ros Lloyd would fi nish the Cam- only three of the Blues graduat- ers are now looking ahead to the separated by less than sixty sec- mazy run from the midfi eld three bridge scoring after being so im- ing they’ll be planning to do it all fl at season, there’s still plenty of onds. minutes later, and then Walsh pressive in both the fi nal and the again next year. value to be had backing horses over the fences. Lothian Falcon, Freddie is in his third year, study- and fast pitches... Blues squad have represented the trained by part time builder Pe- ing Management at Corpus. UCCE so far, many more than ter Maddison, is the pick of the Captain’s in recent years, and we have one entries for the Bet365 Gold Cup How does the season work in exam Surrey-affi liated player. With a Chase at Sandown on Saturday. Corner So, how much training have you term? squad of 16 there is real competi- The horse was expected to put in managed? We’ve already had one match, and tion for places, particularly in the a bold showing in last weekend’s Cricket After trials in the Michaelmas will have another seven or eight batting department, and we will Scottish National, but was with- term the squad has been training before the fi rst of three Varsity also cause people problems with drawn at the last minute because Freddie Owen twice a week, working on fi elding matches, a 20/20 in Oxford, on our spin attack. We can certainly of concerns over the ground. With and indoor net sessions. We make June 6. As well as the University approach the Varsity matches the going expected to be more to use of the excellent facilities at teams - the Blues and the Crusad- with confi dence and hopefully turn his liking this time round, there’s Fenners for individual skills ses- ers (2nd XI) - Cambridge is also around the poor run of results good reason to steam into the 10-1 sions on top of team sessions. home to a University Centre of there. being offered by PaddyPower. Cricketing Excellence, which is The Banker combined with Anglia Ruskin. 15-8 Boston Celtics to win NBA What’s your cricketing back- The top players will represent Championship £4 ground? the UCCE as well, meaning 3-day I was captain of the school team, fi rst-class matches against some The fi rst of the Cricket Varsity 9-2 and played for various junior counties and games against the matches takes place at the Parks, Prediction county age groups and the minor other top BUSA universities. in Oxford, on the 6th June, with Maguire to win world counties development team. Exams can be a problem when the one-day match at Lords on the £3 snooker championship I have also been playing club clashes come up, but our large 17th June, in May Week. cricket for the past few seasons. squad should overcome this. The fi nal Varsity match, a four-day The Long shot 10-1 As an opening batsman I’ll be match, which has fi rst-class status, Lothian Falcon to win £1.50 looking to post some big scores, is on 7th July, again at the Parks. Bet365 Gold Cup Chase e/w but since the university season is How’s the squad shaping up? RUNNING TOTAL: £47.38 over by mid-June this will have to This is the strongest squad we’ve be done without the help of hard had for a few years. Six of the Friday April 25 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 31

The Hunsberger moment Blues left high, if not dry We fi nished our second practice on Wednesday, 26 March at >> Oxford defy weather and waves to take the boat-race about 4:00 in the afternoon. There Henry Stannard Barney Williams’ honour. Analyti- were three days Sports Editor cal overkill threatened, but never Dejected Blues troop left until the quite managed to spoil the coverage Boat Race Probably the worst place to watch thanks to his uncondescending and back to the boat house and just the Boat Race if you care who wins, informative presenting style. three more chances to practice on let alone if you have to report on it, Unless you have been living in a the river. And while the practice is from the riverbank. With ITV cave, you will know by now the itself had been great, a sense of providing, no joke, BAFTA-nom- Cambridge boat lost by rather a lot. tension lingered in the air, for inated coverage of the event to 7.6 Sixth lengths to be precise. With Rob Baker – one of the coaches – million viewers, it is probably bet- the crew decided underdogs with answered a phone call underneath ter not to don a wafer-thin beer the bookies already, Shane O’Mara’s Hammersmith Bridge that left him and whiskey jacket and, due to the heartbreaking late withdrawal on ad- quiet for the rest of the trip home. event organisers’ lackadaisical ap- vice from doctors at Addenbrookes, While we showered and got proach to public conveniences, piss and replacement Ryan Monaghan dressed for that evening’s press long-johns if interested in knowing being called up to stroke in his stead, festivities, no one except the presi- the result. Watching from the Ham- meant that the new crew were left, dent, Dan, had any idea of the news mersmith bend, it is mildly embar- if not in complete disarray, then cer- about to be bestowed upon us. rassing to have to call someone who tainly not in any way resembling No one realized that Duncan had only yesterday you tried vainly to array either. Having dieted like rushed Shane to the hospital the cajole into coming along “for the ex- boxers before the weigh-in as part evening before with an uncontrol- perience”, with your hands rapidly of a system of mind games aimed at lably high heart rate. Maybe it developing icicles as you clutch the lulling the potentially over-confi dent was naiveté, perhaps an effective handset, forcing a conversation with Oxford crew into believing that vic- example of the power of denial, but the grim determination of a desper- tory was guaranteed, they suddenly we had just assumed he missed ate fresher tethered to a compsci on found themselves in a real crisis. practice due to minor illness. a college pub crawl for the remain- As Spencer Griffi n-Hunsberger has But there was no mistaking the ing eight minutes of a race that is as described so well in his columns mood in the changing room as we good as over. leading up to this year’s race, the emerged from the showers. Rob ITV’s viewers also had the marvel- crew that can steer a course in front sat us down, looked us all in the lous opportunity to witness at fi rst of their opponents wins the moment eye, and simply said “Shane can’t hand Oxford’s Presi-cox, Nick Bro- they align ahead of them, and the race”. There are a lot of words I die. An horrifi c lovechild of David boys in light blue only stopped an in- wouldn’t want to hear that close to itial Oxford charge ending the race the Boat Race - those three, in that with a Herculean effort of their own. order, are likely near the top of the Thereafter they managed to storm list. Ultimately Cambridge ahead under Hammersmith Bridge, And with that our focus for the causing serious jitters amongst a rest of the week changed dra- had used up too much dark blue crew that assumed that matically. Every member of the energy in fending off the race would be over by now. Ul- team - particularly Richard and timately, however, Cambridge had Ryan, who stepped into newfound the early attack used up too much energy in fending vacancies in Goldie and the Blue off the early attack and in getting Boat, respectively – did a phenom- themselves in a position from where enal job moving forward without they could win the race. Oxford in- lamenting the blow already dealt. Brent and Mr Magoo, his microphone creased the stroke rate to peg back Spirits were unnaturally high in was hooked up to tellyland, meaning tiring opposition, overtaking before the remaining days and some of our that the whole world could hear his the end of the bend and sprinting practice pieces were the best ever toe-curlingly awful attempts at mo- ahead to land the knockout blow. produced. tivation. Christ alone knows how he Rowing is a cruel sport. Unlike any SOPHIE PICKFORD In the midst of it all was an became their President, but on as- other team activity, the team com- individual with dreams recently suming the role he made himself the prised of the best rowers, coached counterparts were, which is why considered too thick to attend Cam- shattered by the untimely diagno- central human-interest story for this correctly, always wins. There is they lost. Their technique may have bridge, following big-game bottler sis of a heart arrhythmia and atrial year’s race, having been dropped no potential for freak twenty yard been recognised to have been supe- cum economic political philosopher fi brillation. While we practiced two years ago and lost to (horror screamers to level the scores, or rior, but in the end they were out- Joe Roff and countless past rowers on the Thames, Shane sat alone in of horrors) a girl last year. Couch much scope for individual error. As gunned by a juggernaut Dark Blue on the X5 to Oxford. Although it Addenbrooke’s, undergoing testing potatoes also got live feed from ridiculously simple as it sounds, the boat. In what is becoming a regu- will matter to them not one jot, the better to understand just how seri- Andy Townsend’s Tactics Truck, Cambridge VIII were not physical- lar occurrence in both rugby and Cambridge VIII should be proud of ous his plight was. rebranded in Oxford ex-president ly as good at rowing as their Oxford rowing, six of Oxford’s eight were a sterling, yet vain effort. One of the toughest moments of the week came on Thursday afternoon, as I was walking our boat out of the boathouse. “Excuse The new crews settle me, have you seen Shane?” queried a man along the banks. “No,” I in the last training ses- replied, “did you not hear the sion before the race news?”, stupidly assuming this man was just one of the individuals who watched the crews practice from the banks. “I’m his father.” Needless to say, I felt pretty fool- ish for not recognizing the Ameri- can accent and look of concern only a parent could convey. The rest is history, forever engraved in the wood panels of Goldie Boathouse. You can read elsewhere about the race itself, as it’s not something I’d particularly like to recount. The days lead- ing up to the race were the days I wanted to cover, not as an excuse, but in defence of the extraordinary group of individuals that made up this year’s Cambridge University Boat Club. Ultimately a craftsman will carve the word ‘LOST’ into a block of wood, fi nding its place beneath the year 2008 and a list of names. But this one word won’t come close to telling the story behind the race, one that I wanted to use my last ar- ticle to record. It’s been a privilege. Spencer Griffi n Hunsberger SOPHIE PICKFORD Friday April 25 2008 varsity.co.uk/sport

Rowing p 31 Boat Race SPORT Review Some success in Putney » Footballers defy the rain to gun down Keown’s Oxford in Varsity thriller CAMBRIDGE GOALS: STOCK (4), AMOS 5 OXFORD GOALS: SULLIVAN, KELLY, TOOGOOD 3

Andrew Robson Football Reporter A sensational 4-goal haul from Matt Stock inspired Cambridge to vic- tory in a hugely entertaining 124th Varsity encounter. But it was far from easy sailing in the torrential rain for Stock and the Light Blues with Oxford pegging them back on no less than three occasions to set up an barnstorming fi nal 15 min- utes where Stock’s fourth and a goal from substitute Matt Amos in the dying minutes would earn a deserved victory for Cambridge. Oxford made early in-roads with the impressive Homer Sullivan rounding three Cambridge defend- ers before seeing his shot blocked on 5 minutes. Despite Oxford’s ear- ly pressure, it was the Light Blues who took the lead against the run of play on the 13-minute mark. Jamie Matt Stock slides in his Rutt won a free-kick out wide and third of four in a Varsity- Pendlebury’s deep in-swinger was met by captain Anthony Murphy winning performance towering above the Oxford defence to gift Stock the easiest of his goals. The goal unsettled Oxford and insti-

gated a spell of Light Blue pressure; JOSH DAVIS Luke Pendlebury couldn’t provide a into the second period. Stock and tipped over the bar moments later. a real scrap in the area evaded both away by the impressive Dean. The fi nish to grace his instinctive burst Michael Johnson had barely re- As the rain worsened, both sides centre-halves and bobbled to Toog- save proved all the more valuable from midfi eld and more good work started when Alex Toogood’s sliced found it diffi cult to keep possession ood who slid in to lift the ball over when, from the resulting clearance, from Stock produced a cross inches scissor kick landed invitingly for for any length of time with the in- Dean to set up a grandstand fi nish. a fl ick-on by Amos and some woeful away from conversion on 20 minutes. left-sided midfi elder James Kelly creasingly greasy surface prohibit- With 15 minutes to go, a real defending from Oxford captain Paul In right winger Sullivan, Oxford to slide in and convert from close ing any patient build-up. With 20 mêlée in the Oxford area produced Rainford let in Matt Stock once had the stand-out player in the fi rst range. Oxford had started with real minutes to go, James Dean made an half chances for Stock and Mills more and the St. Catherine’s striker half and he bagged the equaliser on purpose, vigour and tempo and it excellent save to deny Oxford sub- and when the ball was only half coolly rounded the goalkeeper to the half hour mark. The wide man genuinely looked like they would go stitute Tom Howell, with Hakimi cleared, a succession of thunderous slot in a dramatic winner and his broke onto a loose ball in the fi nal on and win the game. But Murphy hacking the ball away from Toogood challenges from Murphy and then fourth of the afternoon. Finally, it third, his momentum saw him zip and his team can be hugely proud Lalande set Luke Pendlebury in was time to reach for the port and past Murphy and he fi red past Dean of their resilience; they managed to space 25 yards out; he produced a cigars when, deep into added time, with ease. But Cambridge would get their noses in front once again As the 90-minute mark sumptuous chip that was just dip- more excellent work from man-of- typify their overall performance just 4 minutes later. Johnson slid in ping under the bar before keeper the-match Stock produced a teas- by hitting back within 5 minutes Stock down the right channel, the approached Oxford Robinson got his fi ngertips to it. ing cross, which was converted of Sullivan’s leveller. Stock’s ter- striker showing pace and compo- were inches away from As the 90-minute mark ap- deftly with a near-post diving rifi c 18-yard lob gave the Oxford sure in equal measure to slide the proached, Oxford were inches away header from Amos. Moments later, goalkeeper no chance; doubling his ball under the advancing goalkeeper a winner from a winner; only some superb the referee would blow time on an tally and taking Cambridge into the for his hat-trick. It was now Cam- goalkeeping from James Dean en- outstanding victory for the Light interval with a slender advantage. bridge who began to turn the screw; sured otherwise. Toogood must Blues to retain the C.B Fry Tro- Despite a confi dent late fi rst substitute Will Lalande timed on the rebound. Toogood was not to have thought he had won it when phy amid chants of “Keown what’s half performance, the Light Blues his run into the box to perfection be denied, however, and he bundled his looping header, destined for the the score”’ from the Cambridge couldn’t transfer their momentum and was unlucky to see his header in the equaliser for 3-3 on 73 minutes; far corner, was superbly clawed contingent of a 2,000 strong crowd.