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“Remedial Chaos Theory” Episode #303 Written by Chris Mckenna

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“Remedial Chaos Theory” Episode #303 Written by Chris McKenna Directed by Jeff Melman Final Draft 9/29/11 SONY PICTURES TELEVISION INC. © 2011. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this script may be performed, or reproduced by any means, or quoted, or published in any medium without prior written consent of SONY PICTURES TELEVISION INC. 10202 West Washington Boulevard, Culver City, CA 90232 COLD OPEN FADE IN: 1 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - NIGHT 1 A door swings open to reveal a smiling TROY and a creepily oversmiling ABED in matching blazers and ascots. TASTEFUL JAZZ plays inside. TROY / ABED (to morning show theme) Troy and Abed’s new aparrr-tment! ANNIE and BRITTA stand in the hall, holding gifts. ANNIE / BRITTA Hiiiiii (creeped out by Abed) iiiiiiiiii. 2 INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS 2 Annie and Britta enter, ad libbing “What a cute place!” There are framed photos of Troy and Abed on the wall. BRITTA Wow, you guys look so fancy. ABED We read a book on how to be the perfect party hosts. Rule Number One: dress to impress. TROY Rule Number Two: avoid touchy topics like “The Negro Problem.” (then) The book was written in the ‘40s. SHIRLEY pokes her head out of the kitchen. SHIRLEY Oh good, you guys are finally here! BRITTA Finally? ABED Shirley showed up at three. Abed, Annie, Britta, and Troy share a knowing look. (CONTINUED) "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 2. 2 CONTINUED: 2 SHIRLEY Time flies when I’m baking! TROY (clenched teeth) No, it doesn’t. ANNIE Oh! The door downstairs was propped open with this. She holds up a brick. ANNIE (CONT’D) This is really unsafe. Anyone could have just wandered into your building. A thief, or a vagrant, or a guy who writes things on strips of greasy newspaper and slides them under your door while you’re at school. (off their looks) Or a solicitor. An INTERCOM BUZZER goes off. ABED Or the rest of our guests. TROY (takes brick) Be right back. Troy hurries off. Abed leads Britta and Annie down the hall. ABED Let me give you ladies the grand tour. Bathroom, kitchen, who cares, and this: (gestures) Is my scale model of the rolling boulder scene from “Raiders.” With actual rolling boulder. Abed activates the diorama. A model boulder rolls down a ramp and into his hand. ABED (CONT’D) Pretty cool, huh. BRITTA Super cool. And sexy. Super sexy cool. (CONTINUED) "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 3. 2 CONTINUED: (2) 2 ANNIE (through smile, sing-song) Overselling it. Shirley approaches with a homemade pizza on a tray. SHIRLEY I made pizza! ABED But... we ordered real pizza. SHIRLEY Nothing more real than homemade. You didn’t have some of the ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese. ABED (glaring) We ordered... real... pizza. Everyone gets uncomfortable. Shirley backs away to the kitchen. Troy enters with JEFF and PIERCE, who holds a gift. TROY Bienvenido de la casa Chez Tro-Bed. Jeff looks at the Indiana Jones diorama. JEFF Very nice. “Indiana Jones and The Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.” TROY (laughs, a little hurt) Chop busted, my fellow adult! PIERCE (looks around) It’s nice. I mean, it’s not mansion nice, but it’s nice. Hey, didn’t you used to live in a mansion, with me? TROY Yeah, but this place is a little more my speed. And century. PIERCE Doesn’t bother me. I’ve hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits. (CONTINUED) "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 4. 2 CONTINUED: (3) 2 Pierce holds up a bottle. PIERCE (CONT’D) Jeff. Check it out. Serbian Rum. So strong it’s banned there. Banned in Serbia, Jeff. Let that concept sink in. JEFF You enjoy, I’ll be leaving early. ABED Oh? JEFF Yeah, sorry, I got an invite to the opening of a new club, (produces 3 x 5 card) Look at this place, it’s like it was designed for me. ABED It was. I made that in photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so you’d keep tonight open on your calendar. JEFF (re: invite, mournful) There’s no such thing as the “Single Malt Platinum Boobs and Billiards Club?” (realizing it’s dumb) I guess I never said it out loud. ABED Tonight, we offer something far more than boobs and billiards. JEFF What. TROY One word, two syllables... JEFF Don’t say “charades.” Abed and Troy gesture to a table set up for: ABED / TROY Yahtzee! (CONTINUED) "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 5. 2 CONTINUED: (4) 2 Jeff grabs Pierce’s bottle rum and starts opening it. JEFF Is charades off the table? FADE OUT. END OF COLD OPEN "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 6. ACT ONE FADE IN: 3 INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER 3 Britta is fiddling with an iPod that’s connected to a stereo behind her. No music is playing. Troy shakes a dice cup. TROY Commmme onnnnn, and... Troy slams down the cup, lifts it up and looks at the dice. TROY (CONT’D) Okay. Now: (reads instructions) “How to play Yahtzee...” PIERCE (takes game box) Is there nothing from our youth these companies won’t repackage for a buck? Call it “Yahtzee” all you want, everyone knows this is Puerto Rican chess. The door BUZZER sounds. Annie jumps with a start. JEFF It’s just the pizza, Annie. ABED We can’t buzz him up. Someone has to go down. A beat, then everyone touches the side of their noses. Seven- way tie. The BUZZER again. Jeff picks up a die. JEFF Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go. People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand. ABED Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines. JEFF (sarcastic) Of course I am, Abed. (CONTINUED) "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 7. 3 CONTINUED: 3 As Britta finds a song, Jeff rolls the die. Two. JEFF (CONT’D) (counting from his left) One two. Annie. Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins. ANNIE Okay, fine. Guess I’m going down. She gets her wallet out, sets her purse down on the table in front of her seat, and exits. PIERCE All this talk of “going down” reminds me: did you guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom? Everyone winces and groans. PIERCE (CONT’D) What? It’s not name dropping if it comes up organically! SHIRLEY I’m gonna check on my pies. Shirley heads into the kitchen. Just as Sting sings the opening lyric: BRITTA (belts out) Rooxxx-- JEFF (cutting her off) No. Britta stops and turns off the music, annoyed at Jeff. BRITTA Bathroom? ABED Over here. Britta gets up and follows Abed. Troy watches her go. His eyes shift down to Annie’s open purse on the table. (CONTINUED) "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 8. 3 CONTINUED: (2) 3 TROY Uh, guys... What does a pregnancy test look like? JEFF It’s like a thin plastic stick with a thing at the end. TROY So this is definitely a gun. Troy uses a pencil to lift a gun from Annie’s purse. JEFF Whoa! Put that down. TROY (lowers gun into purse) Why does Annie have a gun? PIERCE That’s not a gun, it’s a girls’ pea shooter, I’ve had raw fish more dangerous than that. (giving gift) Here, Troy. Happy housewarming. TROY (ignoring Pierce) Jeff, what are we doing about this? JEFF I’m getting a drink. Jeff stands, smacking his head on the ceiling fan. Pierce laughs. JEFF (CONT’D) Owwww! What’s so funny? PIERCE People hitting their heads! Shirley enters from the kitchen with a tray of mini pies. SHIRLEY Don’t fight over them! (nobody cares) You can fight a little... "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 9. 4 INT. FOYER - SAME 4 Britta exits the bathroom, startled to find Abed right there, staring expectantly at her. She waits. ABED Smells weird. BRITTA I beg your pardon? ABED Smells weird. What did you do? BRITTA Abed, as a psych major, I understand you might not understand this, but you don’t ask someone a question like that. It’s not dignified. Annie enters the apartment with the pizzas. BRITTA (CONT’D) (ravenous) Pizza! (does a little dance) Pizza pizza go in tummy. Me so hung-ee, me so hung-ee. Britta and Abed follow Annie with the pizzas, walking right past Shirley, who tries, in vain, to offer them pies. 5 INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME 5 Annie sets the pizzas down. Britta dives in. Others join. ANNIE That pizza guy was intense. JEFF I’m sure he’s a real go-getter. ABED (eating pizza) I wonder what happened in all those other timelines. JEFF Abed, there are no other timelines. BUZZ! "Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 10. 6 INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES EARLIER 6 The pizza is gone - or rather not here yet. Everyone has fingers on noses, as before. Jeff picks up a die. JEFF Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go. People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand. ABED Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines. JEFF Of course I am, Abed. Jeff rolls the die. Four. JEFF (CONT’D) One two three four. Shirley. Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins. SHIRLEY Okay, but don’t let my pies burn! Shirley gets up and exits.
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