Published by Americans for The Link Middle East Understanding, Inc.

Volume 45, Issue 1 Link Archives: www.ameu.org January-March, 2012

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure. — Paulo Coelho, “The Alchemist”

By Maysoon Zayid

y name is Maysoon The following is my story in three chap- Zayid. I am a Palestin- ters! Please keep in mind I am a comedian ian-American, come- first, foremost, and for life. Some facts have dian, actress, writer and producer. been been changed to protect the innocent. (Continued on Page 3. When The Link asked me to write an article, I was excited to be in such a great publication. When they told me the topic, my excitement turned to dread. They wanted the article to n

be about me and by me. All I could w o r B

think was, “How do I do this with- a s e e L

out sounding egomaniacal— and in y b

o t less than 400 pages?” o h P — Maysoon Zayid on Countdown with Keith Olbermann. The Link Page 2 AMEU Board of Directors About This Issue Jane Adas (Vice President) Deheishe, on the outskirts of which, aptly, he called “Book.” Only a Elizabeth D. Barlow Bethlehem, is a refugee camp. The few copies were printed, and the one he Edward Dillon children here, as elsewhere on the sent me from his home in England now occupies a proud spot in my home’sfar Rod Driver West Bank, grow up under the long- from imposing bookshelf. John Goelet est military occupation in modern-day history. More than 50 of the 5,000 books were David Grimland ones Geoff himself had authored. Several Richard Hobson (Treasurer) Maysoon Zayid knows these chil- of these have been adopted for university Anne R. Joyce dren. And through her nonprofit or- and college courses, and several have been ganization, Maysoon’s Kids, she Hon. Robert V. Keeley translated into a dozen or so languages. knows how to help them. He also penned hundreds of articles and Kendall Landis ( reviews for the general and technical Robert L. Norberg (President) The best medicine, it seems, is still laughter. In a 2009 interview with the press, including three feature articles for Hon. Edward L. Peck Guardian of London, she noted: The Link . Donald L. Snook “These children are so strangled here. We talked often on the phone, although Rosmarie Sunderland With comedy they can take the pain we never met. Next time you’re in Lon- James M. Wall and channel it, get it off their chests.” don, he’dsay, we’ll go to the pub and down a pint or two. It never happened. In that same interview, Maysoon AMEU National So, when I received the news from his recalled asking one particularly trou- Council wife that my friend had died, I went to my bled teenager, who had just gotten out Hugh D. Auchincloss, Jr. bookshelf, took down “Book,”proceeded of an Israeli jail, to tell the class about William R. Chandler to the fridge for a bottle of beer, and for the worst memories of his time inside. Kathleen Christison the best part of the afternoon, I reac- Soon the boy was talking about the quainted myself with his cherished assem- Paul Findley bad prison food, the awful smells, blage of friends. Moorhead Kennedy even the worst cellmates. Then some- * * * Ann Kerr thing happened. Through a combination of Nancy Lapp comic timing and skillful storytelling his Due to AMEU’s own limited shelf George E. Mendenhall routine came together, and an evolution space, we are offering, on page 14, at sub- Mary Norton occurred. This “prison-skinny”boy went stantially reduced prices, a number of books from our own research library. Don W. Wagner from fear, to bonding with the audience, to getting more open. Miriam Ward, RSM * * * “That’swhat standup is,”says the come- Finally, we invite our readers to visit Executive Director dienne from Cliffside, N.J. “It humanizes our recently redesigned website: www. John F. Mahoney you.” ameu.org. Our initial website 15 years ago Somewhere in the pages that follow, was an amateur creation of Bob Norberg. AMEU (ISSN 0024-4007) The professional redesign was done by grants permission to Maysoon Zayid will tell us that she hates another Norberg volunteer, Bob’sson Jeff, reproduce material from The kids. who has assumed all site maintenance re- Link in part or in whole. Don’tbelieve her. AMEU must be credited and sponsibilities. Among the features you one copy forwarded to our *** will find on the site, in an easy-to- office at 475 Riverside Drive, One of Geoff Simons’smost prized pos- download format, are Maysoon Zayid’s Room 245, New York, New sessions was his library of over 5,000 vol- article, Geoff Simons’sthree articles, and, York 10115-0245. Tel. 212- umes, representing just about every liter- indeed, all of our articles going back to 870-2053; Fax 212-870- 1968. 2 0 5 0 ; E - m a i l : ary genre there is. When he was diagnosed [email protected]; Website: with cancer a few years ago, he decided to John F. Mahoney www.ameu.org. write a book about his “intimate friends” Executive Director The Link Page 3

(Continued from Page 1.) to me and why it needs to be combated by all non- Survival of the Un-fittest violent means necessary. In the America I grew up in, folks had no problem with the fact that I was I was born on Labor Day. At the exact same time Muslim. They did, however seem very concerned that my mom was going into labor, her doctor was that I would die during the month of Ramadan getting drunk as a skunk at a picnic. Dr. R. had de- from fasting. I would assure them I had enough livered all three of my sisters and apparently they fat to live off for at least three months. had just slid out for him. He figured he could roll up completely wasted, deliver me, and be back in time I had an incredibly happy childhood in New for the ice cream. I came out fist first. Dr. Drunky Jersey. When I was six, my father taught me how panicked, and proceeded to display his homage to to walk. Most people with CP don’twalk at all. Jack the Ripper. He cut my mom six different times My brain is literally damaged. Messages sent from in six different directions. The first cut gave me my my brain to my body go in all the wrong direc- first breath, but I was still stuck. I couldn’ttake my tions. For example, if you want to make a fist, next breath for another 3 minutes. Three. Full. Min- your fingers bend and you make a fist. In my case, utes. my mouth twitches, my leg wiggles, and eventu- ally I make half a fist. Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. It’snot a birth de- fect. You can’tcatch it. No one put a curse on my One of the best parts of having CP is the fact mother’suterus, and I didn’tget it because my par- that I shake all the time. Try it, it’sexhausting. ents are first cousins, which they are. It only hap- People often think I’mdrunk, which is really an- pens from accidents like what happened to me on noying, especially when I’mdriving. that September 7th at Englewood hospital in NJ. I’veoften been referred to as a “highly func- Cliffside Park, NJ is my hometown. I was raised tional” disabled person. I’mnot sure what that there and I plan to be buried there. It’slike Little means, but I attribute it to my upbringing. My House on the Prairie meets The Sopranos. It’sone parents simply chose to ignore the fact that I was tiny square mile, predominantly blue collar Italian disabled. They treated me exactly like my three Catholic, and located 2.2 miles from Times Square older sisters. If my sisters were mopping, I was NYC. Our claim to fame is that the George Washing- mopping; if my sisters went to public school, they ton Bridge, which connects Manhattan to Mainland would sue the school and make sure I went to USA, lets out in our town. public school too. I couldn’task for better par- ents. Growing up, there were only six Arabs in Cliff- side, and they were all my family. Now, there are 20 I’venever had conventional physical therapy. Arabs in town, and they're still all my family. I don't My parents couldn’tafford it so they sent me to think anyone ever noticed that we weren't Italian. tap class. A veterinarian told my father if he (Note to reader: I look Italian.) couldn’tafford PT, dance was the next best thing. It was the only physical therapy I did until 2006 The America I grew up in most definitely had when I started doing yoga. Yoga, the polar oppo- racism but not in my small town. I have been in site of tap, is something I was never interested in every single church in Cliffside Park. My friends because I associated it with hippies. A fellow ac- would take me to midnight Mass on Christmas and tress convinced me to try it and it absolutely show me off telling parishioners, “She’sfrom where changed my life. I learned to walk by tap dancing Jesus was born.” We were never treated as an but I learned to live by doing yoga. As boring as “other.” it is, the stretching has greatly reduced the pain This was before 9/11 and before Rick Lazio and tremors associated with my CP. I could walk thought it was appropriate to use hating Muslims as and dance, but before doing yoga I was never able a campaign strategy. It is why the current rise of to stand for more than a couple of seconds. Now I Islamophobia (or Islamic hate) has been so shocking can stand on my head. The Link Page 4

I can also walk in heels. This baffles people; they rayed Checkers to see what was inside of him, but can’tunderstand why I would torture myself. It’s instead they decapitated him and pulled out his very simple. I grew up in New Jersey and being chic heart. Then they handed him back in pieces. I will is very important to us. All my friends wore heels never forget dropping his head as I struggled to and therefore so would I. My friends also spent their keep all his parts together. My grandmother, in an summers at the Jersey Shore. I did not. I spent my effort to console me, reattached Checker’shead. Un- summers in a war zone. fortunately, the cross-stitching queen of Deir Deb- wan had only red thread. The result was horrifying. Welcome to Palestine That would be the first of many memorable run-ins. Before I ever went to Palestine, I knew Palestine. When I was 14, both of my grandmothers passed It was all my dad ever talked about. Every summer away, and I refused to go back. I was 22 when I fi- my parents would send us back to our village Deir nally returned. My mission: to find a husband. My Debwan to live with my grandparents; because my cover: working with disabled orphans in refugee mom hated kids and my dad was afraid that if we camps. didn’tgo to Palestine every year, we would forget our roots, and grow up to be Britney Spears. For those of you who’venever been to a refugee camp, they don’thave horseback riding, arts and The first summer I ever went, I was five. I crafts, or roasted marshmallows. They have trash packed all my favorite things: my wonder women piled sky-high, sewage streaming through the underoos, my stuffed bunny Checkers, and my most streets, and narrow, winding alleys that make it im- favorite thing in the world— my Michael Jackson possible to tell where the shooting is coming from. glove. I shouldn't have taken anything. My grand- And there are kids— millions and millions of bored, mother was like the Muslim Robin Hood— but in- hungry kids. And I was going to be their Oprah. I’d stead of stealing from the rich, she’dsteal from me bring them medicine, shoes, and Doritos, while si- and give every single thing I owned to the poor multaneously catching myself the most gorgeous refugees. I spent days trying to explain to her that refugee man ever. We’dfall madly in love, get mar- although I felt sorry for the poor starving refugees, I ried, adopt differently abled babies, and live happily could not comprehend what use they would have ever after. for my sparkly glove since it wasn’teven a pair. By the way, I hate kids. The first time I ever Having my stuff stolen by grandma and learning walked into an orphanage this thing ran up and the importance of charity was the fun part of Pales- hugged me with a Fraggle puppet growing out of its tine. The not so fun part was having to deal with the head. I mean, you could pet it, and it would giggle. Israeli army since I was five years old. I like to call it So I decided I would work with teens. I went there Jersey vs. the IDF. My first run-in was with Israeli like an idiot thinking I could be Michelle Pfifer from airport security. Every summer my three older sis- Dangerous Minds. I was going to teach them theater ters and I would land at Tel Aviv airport. For those and they were going to stop throwing rocks. When I of you who don’tknow, there is no way to enter Pal- got there I realized these kids didn’tneed art, they estine without crossing an Israeli border first. (Yes, I needed shoes. am aware of the Rafah crossing, but it’sclosed, like all the time.) The Israelis would search us with a fine In April of 2001 I founded Maysoon’sKids, a not toothed comb because four little girls traveling alone -for-profit charity funded primarily by my friends were obviously terrorists. on Facebook and Twitter followers. Our mission was to address the needs of the growing population I had gotten used to being strip-searched at the of disabled children in the West Bank. airport, but when I was eight I was subjected to far worse. They beheaded my bunny, Checkers. It was We don’tgive people money, we’re very much not self-defense. It was murder. Checkers was a blue hands on to “teach a refugee to fish.”Due to the po- and white stuffed bunny with a beating heart that litical climate, I am not allowed to travel to Gaza, traveled with me. The Israelis could have easily x- which is why we work exclusively in the West Bank. The Link Page 5

Past projects include art and wellness programs, We also partnered with Playgrounds for Pales- summer camp lunches, eye exams and glasses, tine, an incredible organization that builds play- Mommy classes, providing physical therapy equip- grounds in the Occupied Territory for children who ment to rehab centers, tutoring seniors preparing for would have absolutely nowhere else to play. It is the college, and providing shoes clothing and milk lo- realization of the basic human right to play. Our cally made for orphans. goal was not only to build a playground, but to In June of 2011 we were proud to have our first build one that was completely disabled-accessible. Maysoon’s Kids university scholarship recipient We found a local builder and built it outside of the graduate with a Bachelor’s in Social Work from Silwad disabled center. I chose Silwad as the loca- tion for the playground because they excelled in

Making puppets with the deaf in Deheishe Refugee Camp.

Bethlehem University. Currently we are partnered with three different organizations. Our first partner- teaching their student population rather than just ship is with the Friends Quaker School in Ramallah. playing them Bugs Bunny videos. The students also Friends is currently the only school in Palestine that cross-stitched me a Pokeman Squirtle, but that in no mainstreams differently abled children. Otherwise way swayed my opinion. We are hoping to build a they are left to glorified babysitting U.N. facilities second accessible playground in Yatta, an impover- where they learn nothing. It is our goal to provide ished suburb of Hebron that has another exceptional scholarships that cover the entire K-12 education of disabled center. Our final partnership is with the a differently abled student with no other financial Bethlehem orphanage. means to attend. Our dream is that schools all over I have seen the landscape of Palestine change Palestine will mainstream, but for now we just want drastically over the past 30 years. The beaches I to get as many kids into Friends as possible. went to as a child with my grandparents are no longer accessible to Palestinians. The wall was built The Link Page 6 before my eyes. I remember crossing Kalandia and One thing that drives me insane is the way the having to step over the first concrete block and Palestinian-Israeli conflict is portrayed in the media. thinking, “Why is this here? This is so annoying.” I Let’ssimplify the whole thing. The issue is bigotry had no idea that only a few years later Ramallah and and oppression. The solution is equal rights for eve- Bethlehem would be completely cut off from Jerusa- ryone. The theory that these people can’tcoexist is lem by this crazy thing that is three times the height ludicrous because they already do. The majority, yes of the Berlin Wall. the majority, work together, study together, hitch- hike together and even date. The only issues are One of the fringe benefits of the wall is that it those who insist on religious exclusivity and, being comes with checkpoints. Checkpoints are like being heavily armed, denying freedom to everyone else. stuck on the longest line at Disney but there’sno ride And that, my friends, is why they’re fighting. at the end, and there’sa fairly good chance you’re going to encounter violence. I have been shot at at a The American Dream checkpoint, but not hit. Which makes all the differ- ence. I have always loved comedy. I watched Carol Burnett, I Love Lucy, and Candid Camera relig- That was my second run-in with the Israeli army. iously. As a child I would listen to Fraggle Rock on a When I first used to cross the checkpoints I was to- scrambled HBO channel I didn't get, but could tally obnoxious and fought with the soldiers over the clearly hear. One day, when Fraggle Rock finished, injustice. I mean they weren’tgoing to hurt a differ- it was followed by a comedy special called “Bill ently abled American, were they? March of 2003 eve- Cosby Himself.” To this day, I have never heard a rything changed. Rachel Corrie a blond-haired, blue more flawless set. But Cosby was definitely not my -eyed American was run over by an Israeli bulldozer first exposure to comedy. Cosby was my first experi- and I immediately stopped sassing soldiers. ence with stand-up. Soon I was reading comedy I also spent many months living under curfew. books. My Mom gave me Bombeck's, "If Life Is a Curfew means if you go outside you get shot. I got Bowl of Cherries, Then Why Am I in the Pits?" to stuck eating peanut butter and Cheerios for three read on a flight to Palestine when I was 10. Yes, 10. I whole days once. My stomach was a mess. I am for- still love that book. Eventually, I graduated from ever grateful that I didn’thave Twitter at the time books to tapes, and that's when I heard Adam because I would mostly definitely be in political Sandler for the first time. prison if I did. I have no idea where I got his tape from but my My most recent run-in with the Israeli army was favorite part was Adam Sandler acting out what it in June of 2006. I was flying back to New York to do would sound like if various members of society go- a show that night when Israeli security held me for ing about their normal day were suddenly sense- three hours. I was strip-searched and left to bleed on lessly beaten. The series of bits was aptly titled “The myself in a wheelchair that I use for travel. The Senseless Beating of… ” If you have never heard woman in charge who refused me access to my be- these tapes, you must find them because they are be- longings was named Inbal Sharon. yond hysterical, though I cannot explain why. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that years I will never forget her name because she proudly later I would get to work with him or that I would gave me her card. I am an American citizen who end up becoming a comic myself. holds no other allegiance. A simple Google search shows that I am absolutely not a security threat. Yet, I went to college during the time of Affirmative I was forced to board the plane with nothing but my Action. I got a sweet scholarship deal to Arizona passports and a credit card and denied access to State University because I fit every quota: ethnic, fe- sanitary products. Onboard, the Continental stew- male, and disabled –the whole package. My parents ardesses gave me their clothing. It was beyond sick- agreed to let me go because my uncle lived in Ari- ening and yet I go back every Christmas, every sum- zona, and they knew the dry heat would be really mer, every chance I get. I have no choice. good for my CP. The Link Page 7

I went to ASU to become a lawyer. My plan was I didn’tget the part. Sherry Brown got the part. get a BS, study international law at Columbia Uni- I went to the head of the theater department, hys- versity, and then free Palestine. First semester fresh- terically crying, as if someone had just shot my cat, man year, I had to take an art elective. I was incensed and asked her why. She claimed I couldn’tdo the because it's such a waste of time. I mean, who needs stunts. All I could think was, “Excuse me? If I can’t art to free Palestine? I asked around to find the easi- do the stunts neither can the freakin’character!”This est, least time-consuming art class. All of the Honors was the role I was literally born to play, and they kids that lived in my dorm (yes, I lived in the Honors give it to this non-palsy actress! I confronted Sherry dorm because I am a proud life-long geek) said, Brown and explained to her that this was worse than "Take acting. It’sa ridiculous class where you get to doing blackface and that she should give me back be a tree or an ice cream cone.” my part or everyone in the world would hate her. I signed up for the class, and the next morning I She started crying and blubbering and acting like she was in the Dean of Fine Arts Office changing my ma- was the victim. I was furious and I wasn’talone. The jor from International Law to Acting and thinking, next day the drama kids flipped out. They love any “Oh My God! My mother is going to beat me to chance to fight injustice and be dramatic. A full-on death with a slipper!” riot broke out on campus in my honor led by none other than my arch-nemesis, Sherry. Suddenly she My older sisters, in order are: a Loan Officer at a was Captain of Team Palsy, and on that day we bank, a Doctorate in Pharmacy, and the Woman Who coined the term, “Cripface.” Speaks on Behalf of Palestine at the United Nations. Acting was beyond black sheep. The best thing about I graduated and moved back home to New Jer- Arizona (and there were very, very few good things sey. Marshall Mason, still the greatest teacher ever, about it), was that famous people like to retire there introduced me to his founding partner at Circle Rep- and teach at ASU so they can use the pool. As a re- ertory Theatre, Tanya Berezin, who became my act- sult I ended up with Marshall W. Mason as my act- ing coach. She wasn’tjust my acting coach, she also ing mentor, one of the greatest New York directors in coached the New York City soap operas. Why is this history. He had had a desk full of awards and was a important? Well, my life-long dream has been to be beyond brilliant teacher. on General Hospital, and here I am a year after graduating college sitting at the Daytime Emmys be- I was like the pet lemur of the theater depart- tween Barbara Walters and Susan Lucci. My very ment. Everybody loved me. I did all of the less-than- first TV appearance was as an extra on “As The bright theatre students' papers for them, and I got World Turns.” My friend Terri had gotten me the A’sin all of my classes— and theirs. Every time I gig. I assumed I would be promoted from Diner played Laura from “The Glass Menagerie”my teach- diner to wacky best friend, but that never happened ers would weep. But I had one recurring problem: and I remained a glorified piece of furniture, also every semester, I would audition for the ASU theater known as an extra. season, and every semester I wouldn’tget cast. I was confused how I could get A’sin all my acting classes Dejected after 19 months as an extra, I asked but couldn’teven get the role of Girl #2 in the school Tanya what I should do. She recommended that I play. become a comedian. She had been in the business for a really long time and in her experience non-perfect Finally, my senior year, my big break came. ASU women only get cast from doing comedy. I thought announced that the main stage play would be “They about it and she was right. Whoopie Goldberg, Rosie Dance Real Slow in Jackson.” It was a play about a O’Donnell, and Mimi from the Drew Carey Show girl with CP. I was a girl. And I had CP. When this had all gotten their start in stand-up. I decided why role came along, I started shouting from the rooftops: not and immediately signed up for a stand-up com- ”I have Cerebral Palsy! I’mfinally going to get a edy class at the world famous Caroline’son Broad- part! Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty I way. am free at last!” God forgive me, I cannot remember my teacher’s The Link Page 8 name, but he was excellent. Not only did he teach us there were people wrapped around the block for the the basics of comedy, but also he got me up on stage second. We were totally in shock and had no idea within the first week. It was required for class. Any- there was such a market for Arab-American comedy. one who has ever done comedy will tell you going to Al Martin, who ran The Improv at the time and Open Mic is like waterboarding— survive that and now runs Broadway Comedy club in New York City, you can survive anything. saw the potential and told us we could come back The class ended with us performing live at Caro- any time. To this day, ten years later, we still do the line’son Broadway to a packed audience of friends Big Brown Comedy Show at Al’sclub. The show fea- and family. My section was filled with soap stars tures “others,” which means anyone who’sbrown, and Italians. Boy can Italians laugh. I remember talk- regardless of faith, and is hosted by Aasif Maandvi ing about Riverdance causing me seizures and how from the Daily Show. Mormons were just Muslims who had gotten con- After a couple of years of doing the Arab comedy fused. The club owner was so impressed I ended up thing, Dean hunted down our counterparts in L.A. being hired for a gig at my very first performance. The Arabian Knights were a Palestinian, an Iranian, The gig was driving famous comics from New York and an Egyptian. They were doing what we were to New Jersey to do shows. In return I got 25 bucks doing on Broadway, on the Sunset Strip. We de- and seven minutes to open for them. I will never for- cided to do an East Coast meets West Coast show in get the look of horror on Bill Michaels face when he Washington, D.C. at the D.C. Improv. The lineup realized that a girl with Cerebral Palsy was driving was Maz Jobrani, Aron Kader, Dean, me, and some him at break-neck speeds down the New Jersey Egyptian guy. The guys from L.A. went on to be- Turnpike come the Axis of Evil comedy tour and Dean and I I also don’tknow the name of the man responsi- became guest comics with them all over the country. ble for me meeting my comedy partner in crime, I had been performing for almost three years at Dean Obeidallah, a moment that totally changed my that point. The majority of my gigs were Arab stu- life. It’snot because I can’tremember it, it’sbecause dent groups at universities and banquets. The Arab- the kid changed his name so many times. I met him American banquet circuit is fierce. Within two years in my acting class with Tanya and I believe his name of my first show I was performing for two thousand was Adam Greenberg, and then it was Adam Green, people at the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination then Hunter Green, then Adam Hunter. I never had Committee convention in Washington, DC. I became the heart to tell him there was an MTV VJ with that a road warrior, traveling up to forty weeks a year. I name because he had already printed up his head- drove to gigs everywhere, from Detroit to Florida, by shots. myself. To this day I’mamazed a serial killer never Anyway this Green guy ran a comedy room at ate me. Gladys's Hamburger Harry in Time’s Square and One of those tour stops landed Dean and me in invited me to do a set. It was my 3rd show ever. I was Washington D.C. on July 4, 2003. I remember the sitting, waiting to go on, in front of our massive au- date because there were fireworks. We sat by the dience of nine, five of whom were Swedish and did- pool and came up with the idea of creating the New n’tspeak a stitch of English, when Dean walked in. I York Arab American Comedy Festival. Dean felt like instantly knew he was Arab because I can sense as comics we were getting the best press in the Arab- those things. We exchanged e-mails and that was American community, so why not draw attention to that. the fact that we’re not all terrorists by having a festi- I didn’tsee Dean again until one year after 9/11 val. when he e-mailed me out of the blue saying that the We had no idea how much effort it took to plan a Network of Arab American Professionals was put- festival. The first year it was a nightmare finding ting together an Arab-American comedy show. He performers. We were begging actress’sboyfriends to suggested me because apparently I was the only do the show. The New York Arab American Comedy other Arab he knew. The first show sold out and The Link Page 9

Festival premiered in November 2003 to sold-out au- of Ashtar I made fun of then-President Yasser Arafat, diences. What started out as a three-day fest is now who at the time was under siege at his nearby com- a weeklong event attended by thousands. Now in its pound. I had no idea I was being risqué or saying eighth year, it features a Who’s Who of Arab- anything that would get me in trouble. See, that’s American performers from film, television and part of the job of a comic. We talk about things no Broadway. Instead of searching for people we now one else does. Nothing is off limits. So it didn’toccur have to turn them away. A whole generation of to me that I couldn’ttalk about the government or young Arab-Americans, who never thought of get- that I shouldn’tuse words like, sharmuta. [Whore, ting into the arts, did so because it was a platform to slut, bitch — Ed.] showcase their writing, acting, or comedy skills. I performed completely uncensored because the Dean and I have proudly volunteered from day one. idea that there would be censorship never occurred It is definitely one of the things I am most proud of. to me. At the end of the show I got a standing ova- It has become way bigger than Dean and me and the tion. As I was leaving, a guy walked up to me and level of talent is exceptional. said, “You know they’re going to have you killed for In 2006 we took the festival to California and be- saying that.”I asked him, “Who?”and he laughed. I came the go-to website for Hollywood casting direc- thought he was kidding. I had never heard of Naji al- tors seeking Arab actors. They cast “Munich,”“The Ali. [A Palestinian cartoonist, noted for his political criti- Kingdom,” “Sex in the City,” “Law & Order,” and cism of Israel, who was mortally shot in the face in London “You Don’tMess with the Zohan” off our website, in 1987.— Ed.] www.arabcomedy.org. Two years later Dean joined me in Ramallah for a I didn’tonly tour the United States. In 2002, I huge outdoor show at the Qattan Foundation. This began performing stand-up comedy in Arabic in the time there were reporters. They asked us what the Middle East. Some people say that I’mthe first per- biggest difference was between doing comedy in son to ever perform stand-up in Palestine. I’mnot New York City and doing comedy in Ramallah. My one of those people. I always believed that someone answer, “New Yorkers get stuck in traffic, here peo- else did it first even if I’ve never heard of him or her. ple get stuck at the checkpoint.” The first time I did stand-up in Arabic was in In August 2008, Dean and I did our first major Bethlehem in 2002. Sadly there is no video record of show in Amman, Jordan. I had performed there be- this show. All I have to show for it is a blurb in a No- fore but I guess I had been under the radar. We did vember 2002 issue of This Week in Palestine. I was the show to a sold-out crowd and at the end the cen- volunteering at Ibdaa in Dheisheh Refugee Camp, sors descended upon me mercilessly. I was told I and everyone kept asking me what I did in my real could not joke about the government even though life, to which I would respond, “Itell jokes.”No one the prince himself said I could. We were also told we believed me so I decided to do a show. could not talk about Palestinians being the majority, and we could not under any circumstances say the I performed at an arts center, Dar Annadwa, to a word sharmuta. I was shocked. At first I refused un- packed house of the Bourgeois of Bethlehem as well til I was informed that that meant I would not per- as a handful of refugees who had ventured out. They form. The audience was there, so the show must go laughed, I had a blast, and I had no idea I was doing on. something so different. Censorship did not stop in Jordan. It became A couple of months later, I partnered with the standard. Nowhere was it worse than in Egypt. A.M. Qattan Foundation to do a show in Ramallah. While doing a show there in 2009 I was physically This was publicized. This wasn’tjust friends. It was attacked by the Minister of Tourism (a woman by the the middle of the Intifada and during on-and-off cur- way) and banned from ever performing in the coun- fews. try again. Why? What was my big transgression? I We held the show at Ashtar Theatre. People sat did a joke about Egypt Air being so filthy that it on the floor because it was so packed. From the stage made my lice get fleas. That’sit. Banned for life. (I The Link Page 10 am hoping to go back to Egypt, now though, because and monthly stand-up comedy shows quickly I heard there’sa new government.) Every time we popped up in Beirut, Amman, and even Tahrir would be told by the censors the list of what we Square in Egypt. could and couldn’t say, I would tell the comics, In December of 2008, Dean partnered with the “You’vegot to come to Palestine, there’sno censor- Amman municipality to create the Amman Comedy ship there. You can say whatever you want, but not festival. The festival brought huge names like Russell at the Israeli airport.” One by one they performed Peters and Gabriel Iglesias to Jordan. It also featured there and saw for themselves. Arab comics from all over the globe. I headlined the American reporters would say to me, “You could first all-Arabic language stand-up comedy show in never say these things in front of Arabs, they would Amman in Jordan’shistory at the second comedy kill you,”and I would say, “Not in Palestine. In Pal- Festival. It remains one of my top three shows. estine you can say anything, and I have.” I was on my endless tour, when I got a call from Freedom of speech began to come under siege in Adam Sandler's casting director for the movie, “You the Holy Land. Article after article was popping up Don’tMess with the Zohan.” Sandler had seen my about journalists and artists being shut down and stand-up and really liked the way I joked about my even arrested. I became more adamant than ever that father so he decided to write me a part in his movie. I comedy must remain uncensored. I was given the went in and read for the part of Dahlia, which was unique opportunity to introduce stand-up to my eventually played by Emanuel Cheriqui. The casting generation in Palestine. No one ever told me what to director claimed she loved me but they always do do, and they certainly weren’tgoing to start now. and I knew I would never get the part. Three months What was the point of all these revolutions in the later, while sitting at my friend's house in Hebron in Arab Spring if we would have less freedom? the West Bank, I got a call from Happy Madison Pro- ductions, saying that the director, Dennis Dugan, On Valentine’sDay 2011, I performed four shows wanted to see me. I freaked out because I was in Pal- for the Freedom of Comedy Tour that featured local estine and he was in California. comic Adi Khalefa. The first show was at the Ramal- lah Friends School. It was a sold-out fundraiser for I told the Assistant, "Listen, I'm really sorry. I'm the Maysoon’sKids/Friends’Inclusive Scholarship in Palestine, but I could fly back and be there in 2 Program. At that show all the jokes were halal days, or I could do something by satellite.”I think he (permissible), not because someone told us to do so, felt bad for me because it was obvious I was about to but because as comics sometimes we choose to self- cry, so he connected me to Dennis Dugan. We chat- censor depending on the audience. This was obvi- ted for about 5 minutes, and then they told me I had ously a family show and we wanted them to have the part. There I was, in the middle of Palestine, be- fun. The second show was held at a pub, also in Ra- ing given the chance of a lifetime by one of the most mallah. It was a totally different. Nothing was off famous Jewish comedians of all time. You can't make limits. Not Saeb Ereket, not sharmuta. We said eve- this stuff up. rything we wanted and more. I was thrilled that We started shooting in the summer of 2007. My comedy in Palestine remained uncensored. first day on set was inconceivable. I walked onto the While touring the Middle East an interesting side Warner Lot and into what was known as the video project organically sprung up. Aron, Dean and I be- village where actors would hang out before going on gan teaching stand-up comedy workshops anywhere set. I walked in and saw Adam Sandler, Kevin James, we had a show. The idea was to show local audi- Kevin Nealon, Rob Schneider, and Dana Carvey. I ences that stand-up comedy is universal, and that it was in comedy heaven and the best part was I wasn’t can be a fantastic form of non-violent resistance. even dead yet. Adam introduced me to the other co- medians with a glowing review of my standup. When we first started teaching the workshops Working with Sandler is easily one of the best ex- the concept of stand up was completely foreign to periences of my life. He is an excellent teacher, a gen- our attendees. The learning curve was out of control erous humble funny man, and has the best catering The Link Page 11 in the world. I also got to work with Robert Smiegel was Riz Khan’s final guest on AJE, a station he the legendary SNL writer and Fonzi from “Happy helped launch. I was a delegate representing the Days.” Ten years later Tanya’s strategy of doing great state of NJ at the 2008 Democratic National stand-up so I could make it in Hollywood had come Convention where Barak Obama was nominated. It to fruition. A year later I got to walk the red carpet at was astounding I was chosen since I was a Hillary the premier of our movie at Mann’sChinese Theater. Clinton delegate. I’massuming it was yet again one And that is my true Hollywood story. of those cases where I fit every quota and they had to pick me. Nevertheless, I was blessed to bear witness During my time at Zohan I also got to meet my to that moment in history. I got to tap dance on all time most favorite musical obsession ever, Dave Broadway with Arabs Gone Wild and attend Sun- Matthews. I walk on set about a month into shooting dance. The moment that stands out the most how- and Adam tells me, “Hey, you like Dave, right? He’s ever, was performing for the man who floats like a here today.”I think he’skidding because he’sAdam butterfly and stings like a bee, has Parkinson’sand Sandler. Later I walked on set, saw the video moni- shakes just like me— Muhammed Ali. It is also the tor, and realized he was not kidding. Dave Mat- only time my father has seen me perform live. thews, the man I followed to 193 shows, the man I swore to my friends I would someday meet and be- In 2011 the most random thing that could happen come friends with and tell all about the injustice in did. I became a full-time contributor on Countdown Palestine, was now on the other side of the camera. with Keith Olbermann. Before I ever appeared on Countdown I had watched Keith Olbermann, but not I was thrilled to pieces that Karina, one of the religiously. I was, however, fully aware that being on greatest makeup artists ever to live, had done my Countdown was a huge deal. I will never forget makeup that day. When Dave was done shooting his walking into 30 Rock. It was another one of those scene, Adam turned to me and said he wanted to moments like stepping onto the Warner Brothers lot. personally introduce me because he knew how much This was better because not only was I at 30 Rock, I loved Dave. He gave me an amazing introduction but it was Christmas. From the windows of the and Dave said my name. I started bawling as if Countdown studio I could see the entire Rockefeller someone hit my cat with a machete. I fell to pieces. It Christmas tree. I’mobsessed with Christmas since I was obvious that Dave thought I was special. One of come from the place where Christmas was born. I am the makeup girls, Kathleen, tried to save me. She of- referring of course to Palestine not New Jersey, just fered to take our picture. Dave put his arm around to be clear. me, which caused me to crumple, and he had to hold me up. I was eventually put in time-out. That is what I remember most from my first epi- sode of Countdown— the tree. I walked in all done Driving home from the set, I was livid. I had the up, like I’mgoing to the prom, ready to meet Keith. chance of a lifetime and I cried. I don’tcry unless Instead I was shuffled into a room with just me and a something heavy falls on me, yet I had turned into a TV monitor that had me on it. It got worse. The chair blubbering mess. And now everyone hated me. The I sat on rolled out from under me and when I asked next day I walked on set and I saw his tour bus. for a different chair, the cameraman looked at me Dave saw me and in true Zohan magical fashion and said, “5,4, 3, 2, and we’re live.” So now I’msit- Dave Matthews sang my name. We hung out the rest ting on a spinning rolling chair watching myself of the shoot together and I got to tell him all about slowly roll out of the screen. I had to grip the desk I Palestine. Months later Dave was in Jersey for a con- was sitting at with both hands just to stabilize my- cert and I called him, knowing he would never an- self. I did not let go until the interview was done. swer, except he did because Dave Matthews is the best and dreams do come true. I remember very little from that interview other than gripping the desk and telling Keith Olbermann Somehow through this insane journey I have how much I loved that Christmas tree. That was also ended up in some spectacular places. I was invited the day I learned the importance of using my arms by the legendary Tim Sebastian to Doha, Qatar to when I speak on television. I was wearing a black debate women being superior to men on the BBC. I The Link Page 12 turtleneck and because my arms were frozen in posi- of my appearance I found gems like “Yo she re- tion holding me in the shot, I appear to have no tarded?”“Why is she tweaking, yo?”and my favor- arms. It was an absolute nightmare. ite, “Poor thing. What does she suffer from?”At one point, some genius suggested we add Cerebral Palsy When I got home the Internet was abuzz about to my job description. They wanted it to read my appearance on Countdown. Everyone had the “screenwriter, comedian, palsy.” I declined and let same question, “What is wrong with her?”Here’sthe the insane that go party on Twitter continue guess- thing, this was my first TV experience discussing ing my affliction while secretly praying they would anything but me, which means Cerebral Palsy never someday figure out Google. came up. The crowd went nuts. Access Philly even wrote an article saying that rarely do you see a dis- Unbelievably Countdown invited me to return. abled person talking on TV about anything other This time I was in-studio face-to-face with Keith, and than being disabled but that night on Countdown it the crew had kindly taped down my chair. In a had happened. I was groundbreaking and didn’t strange twist of fate I ended up being Keith Olber- even know it. mann’s last in-studio guest at MSNBC. Luckily when he moved to Current he took me with him. In

Maysoon Zayid with her father Musa (left) and Muhammed Ali.

June of 2011 I landed my first official non-extra non- Here’sanother thing I didn’tknow: people on the documentary TV gig. It’s amazing to be part of Internet are scumbags. They say children are cruel something that big from the very beginning. After but I was never made fun of as a child. My brides- my first appearance on Countdown I had signed up maids were the same girls who were my best friends for Twitter so I could read all the mean things people at age five. They never made fun of me. Neither did were saying about me. Instead I found that Keith Ol- the kids in Palestine. I’mnot sure why, but no one bermann had a rabid huge following and I was part ever did. Suddenly on the Internet my disability was of something bigger than I ever imagined. I was fair game. In the comment section of the online clip The Link Page 13 reading my name in press releases alongside I decided to write a comedy about a small town names like Matt Taibbi, Michael Moore, and Don- dance teacher who happens to be disabled, Arab, ald Sutherland. I was given someone to do my and Muslim; but those things are the least of her hair and makeup. I’mconvinced that my obses- problems. The script was chosen by the Sundance sion with hair and makeup is what keeps me from Middle East Writer’s Lab. One of the main chal- ever being nervous on air. This is the ideal gig for lenges is convincing producers that the lead charac- me. It combines three of my favorite things: com- ter must be played by a disabled actress, preferably edy, politics and makeup. I also absolutely love me. I am sick of seeing able-bodied actors in dis- the challenge of having to come up with new ma- abled roles, from Daniel Day Lewis to Claire Danes. terial on the spot. This is the news, so sometimes I One of the things I hope to change in the future don’teven know the topic until an hour before we is the acceptability of using Cripface. Cripface is go live. It’sexhilarating. The situation at Current when an able bodied actor does the worst job possi- TV is also ideal. Keith has given me complete free- ble pretending he’sdisabled for a role. Then said dom to say anything on my mind. I really can’t actor is given an Oscar. This needs to be changed. It imagine a better crew or mentor and hope I re- is as insulting as blackface. There are amazing dis- main at Current for years to come. Maybe even abled actors for these roles, why not give them a on my own show. chance? I have decided to independently produce it Today I continue to tour, produce the comedy because, as Tanya Berezin said, “Hollywood’snot festival and appear on Countdown. As for what big on casting ethnic disabled fluffy people.” I am comes next, my passion project is a movie that I pretty sure that when I win my Oscar that will wrote called “Law.”I wanted to write something change. Until then, I’mjust going to keep telling that challenged the image Hollywood had created jokes and fighting the good fight for Palestinian for people like me. I wanted a differently abled equality. character who wasn’thealed or pathetic, an Arab Author’snote: If you had enough time to read this en- who wasn’ta terrorist, a Muslim who wasn’tbelly tire article, please consider volunteering for May- dancing or wearing a burqa, and a story line that soon’sKids at www.maysoon.com/charity. made sense and mattered.

Author Maysoon Zayid and friends at the orphanage in Bethlehem. The Link Page 14 . . . B t d s l r W . a

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