Amends

First Step

Face your own feelings first. When you have done something wrong towards someone else, it's not always self-evident. If you have a temptation to disguise your shame and complete understanding of your own wrongdoing behind aggression, defensiveness, or self-pity, then you are protecting yourself at the expense of connecting with others and at the expense of acknowledging that you have caused harm. Ask yourself the following questions. If you answer yes to any of them, you're still in need of working through your feelings:

• Are you trying to cover up feelings of shame because you are afraid of being a lesser person if you acknowledge your wrongdoing? • Are you aware of your mistake but have convinced yourself that you need to fight your way out of this to preserve your reputation? • Are you worried that this is a battle between self-respect and respect for others?

Step 2

Understand what it takes to make amends. Move beyond the desire to cover up your shame, or to switch off any feelings of shame. Care enough to want to make amends, which includes being honest and keeping an open mind.

• Change your frame of mind. If you're still feeling angry, wronged, unforgiving, or just plain fed up, changing your frame of mind to reach a state of personal acceptance of the need to make amends will help you. • Acknowledge that it is OK initially to feel anger about whatever happened but don't use your anger as an excuse. And definitely make a choice to move beyond anger - remember that this is about your mistake, not your allegedly besmirched reputation. • Face your own resentments before attempting to make amends. There is no point trying to make amends when you carry too much emotional baggage of your own. Facing your own sense of resentment is a practical, positive, and constructive way forward because it allows you to get to the heart of what's setting off your buttons. Resentment is unhealthy, so give it a rest. • Give yourself time to cool off and let the passing time heal wounds. Don't leave it too long, however, for the longer your anger festers and the longer the other person's mistrust of you is confirmed, the harder it will be to reconcile. • Accept that your own bad behavior happened and that it is now time to clean up the mess the behavior left behind. Acceptance is not about condoning - it's about recognizing things for what they are.

Step 3

Write down the reasons for why you need to make amends. It is important to transfer the emotions from your head into reasons on paper. This will help you to sort through the worries, the realities, and your own interpretations of the situation.

• Acknowledge the wrongdoing you have committed. Don't be arrogant or stubborn - instead, be honest. • Stand in the other person's shoes. What do you think would be their perspective of what happened between you? Would they be feeling the same resentment, anger, annoyance as you? Or would they be feeling hurt, perplexed, confused, and frustrated? Again, be honest - this enables you to step outside your own hurt and perception of whatever happened and to try and see it more objectively. • Even if you think there is shared blame, reach a point where you are able to be the bigger person about it.

Step 4 Look over your reasons on paper. What leaps out in particular? Can you see patterns emerging? Have any of these same issues or behaviors arisen with other people you know also?

• For example, you might find a pattern of behavior where you have behaved selfishly around this person or other people on several occasions. The actual event isn't as important as your negative motivation, so try to hone in on that aspect because you will want to convey that you have understood this to the person to whom you will be apologizing.

Step 5

Prepare what you want to say to the other person. It is always wise to rehearse difficult conversations prior to having them, as this will help your auto-pilot to kick in if your emotions get the better of you. Look back over your list, think through the ways in which you could have done things differently, and find solutions for your future way forward. Then prepare some notes in your head, or on paper even, as to what you'll say when you talk to the other person again. Keep the following things in mind:

• Be prepared to take responsibility for what you did. It's a good idea to elaborate on what you did wrong at the outset and to accept that you did the wrong thing. This sets the tone of remorse for the rest of the conversation. You can start simply with "I an sorry I hurt you. I was wrong to... think/say/do, etc.". Acknowledging their hurt will go a long way to easing tensions. • Realize that if this is not the first time you've hurt someone else, and the other person has heard your apologies before, that a mere "sorry" won't cut it. Sorry can be too easy a word to utter when it's not backed up by real change. Think about how you will make it clear that you really do express sincere regret and are genuine when you promise never to act this way again or to repeat your mistake.[1] Step 6

Resolve on some solutions. Expressing your genuine regret will mean a lot more if you provide measurable promises to change.

• Start by offering ways to provide restitution. For example, if you broke something, offer to buy a new something; if you called a person terrible things, give them a long list of all their positive attributes and explain that you felt jealous of their accomplishments; if you ruined an event for them, offer to stage another one to make up for it, etc. Whether it is money, time, expertise, attention, etc., that you can offer to make things better, then do so. • Offer to explore with the other person the ways that they feel amends would be best made. If they offer realistic responses, this can provide a good pathway to reconnecting. This option won't always be an appropriate one, so consider the context of the mistake. Be especially careful if you're worried that the other person might take this as a chance to behave manipulatively – you're here to make amends, not become their eternal slave. • Explain the ways in which you intend to make changes to your own behavior. If there are any demonstrable ways you can use to back up this promise of change, use them. For example, you might tell the other person that you'll never ride an ATV again since the accident you had that killed the other person's prize sheep, and show them the advertisement for the vehicle's sale. • Be very honest in telling the other person what you have learned from this experience. This helps the other person to realize that you truly did learn a lesson, that you are contrite, and how effective a lesson it was. • If needed, you might also consider going so far as to provide an out for the other person should you fail to keep your promise – this is a last resort approach and its effectiveness will really depend on the extent and depth of your mistake. For example, you might say "If I break this promise to you, you are free to sell my Star Trek collection." Step 7

Decide to meet with the person, face-to-face. While it might be possible to make amends by email or telephone (and probably is the only means if you live far apart), it is far better to meet in person to make amends. This displays a willingness on your behalf to be near the person again and to make direct, meaningful contact with them.

• If you are seeking to make amends with family members whom you have not seen for a long time, consider meeting them on neutral territory rather than in one another's homes. This will remove any usual tensions that being on one's own territory can raise. • If you can't meet in person, consider writing a letter rather than typing one or emailing. It's far more personal to put your pen to paper and to express your feelings in your own handwriting.

Step 8

Begin your apology. Tell the other person that you wish to make amends for your mistake and start your discussion with them, drawing on what you're already rehearsed and the feelings you've worked through. Keep in mind the following:

• Start by connecting with them visually if you are together. Eye contact is an important sign that you mean what you're saying and not avoiding them, or the truths of the wrongdoing. • Aim to leave this discussion on making amends with a stronger relationship than before your mistake. If you head into it with this state of mind, that you really care to re-establish your connection with this person and want things to be not only as good as they were once, but better, then you're off to a great start. • Watch your body language, tone of voice, stance, and attitude. If you are truly sorry, all of these elements should help to convey your genuine apology. • Avoid using "you" statements; always refer to "I feel", "I think", "I believe", "I thought I", etc. It's not their wrongdoing up for discussion. • Avoid adding in little lines about feeling justified. That puts you right back into combat mode. • Avoid making assumptions about their feelings or perspective. While you have tried to stand in their shoes if you followed the suggested step above, you have still done this using your own knowledge and understanding of the world. Grant them the space, time, and freedom to air their grievances, sadness, annoyance, etc., and pick up your cues from here. Even if you feel that some of their understandings of the situation are inaccurate, it doesn't help things to tell them they lack any reason to feel that way – accept that they feel this way and deal with it kindly. • Resist putting any qualifications or ultimatums on their behavior. You can't negotiate within their inner space – only the space in-between is open for shared unity and if you swamp them with demands, you'll spoil everything and be back to square one.

Step 9

Keep it simple and to the point. A long apology will start to ramble and double back on itself. Make your points clearly, sweetly, and effectively. Neither of you want to be hanging around all day suffering this level of discomfort.

Step 10

Resolve to move on. Whatever the outcome of your attempts to make amends, it is important not to wallow in self-pity, or to seek to attach blame to the other person. Far better to accept that things happen and if you can't set them right, at least you did your very best. Even if you do make amends successfully, it is important to remind yourself not to bring up the matter again in future, as both of you have chosen to move on from it.

• Focus on what's ahead for both of you and don't keep reliving whatever happened. • Even if you don't make up with the other person because they have made a decision that things are completely broken between you, make a decision to never hurt another person in this way again.[2] • Use your experience from your mistake to have compassion for others who make the same mistake. Not only do you understand them better now, but it's possible you'll have enough experience to help them work through to reach a positive outcome, without condemning them.[3] • Self-forgiveness (which is at the heart of making amends) enables you to live in the present rather than the past, so even if things don't work out, be grateful for this gift. By forgiving yourself, you will heal.

Tips

• Be at peace with your own mistakes before making amends-- it will help other people move beyond the mistakes too. • Arguments are a part of life in most relationships. When handled well, the outcome of a misunderstanding or an argument can actually bring you closer together, and can help both of you be more understanding and forgiving of one another's limitations. If you see the negative interactions in this light, you'll be more ready to embrace them as lessons about yourself and as opportunities for relationship growth, than as an interaction to be avoided at all costs.

………..

1. ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials, p. 293, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X 2. ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials, p. 294, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X 3. ↑ Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials, p. 294, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Amends Stephanie Dowrick

Copy and pasted from her website.

* Writer * Public speaker * Spiritual and social commentator * Retreat leader * Interfaith minister * Stephanie Dowrick, PhD is that rare writer who combines psychological insight and training with a compassionate social and spiritual vision and an ability to communicate in person and on the page. She offers an exceptional breadth of experience and reflection in her writing and teaching, from years spent as a...

Reverend Dr Stephanie Dowrick is Australia’s leading author in the area of personal and spiritual development. Her work is distinguished by its originality, compassion and accessibility. She has had the rare distinction of writing five No.1 bestselling books. They include Intimacy and Solitude, Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love, The Universal Heart and Choosing Happiness: Life & Soul Essentials.

She is also the author of Everyday Kindness, and of In the Company of Rilke, the only spiritual study of the work of the European poet, Rainer Maria Rilke. Her newest book is Heaven on Earth: Timeless Prayers of Wisdom and Love, which is in many ways a companion volume to Seeking the Sacred: Transforming Our View of Ourselves and One Another. Seeking the Sacred was called by Claire Scobie in the Sydney Morning Herald a “chalice of wisdom”. Heaven on Earth has been highly praised, including by Dr Mark Burrows who called it “a book to cherish” and Dr Marj Britt who wrote, “Stephanie Dowrick emerges as a mystical poet with a radiance of her own in the company of those whose words she has chosen.”

Her books have been translated into many languages.

Stephanie Dowrick was born in New Zealand and lived in Europe for many years. She was founder and first Managing Director of the prestigious independent London publishing house, The Women’s Press, which published some of the most influential writers of the twentieth century. She has lived in Sydney with her family since 1983. She is also a trained psychotherapist and for many years had a small private practice, until the demands of ministry and public speaking more generally made that impossible to continue. She was for some years wellbeing presenter for Breast Cancer Network Australia, and was an Adjunct Fellow with the Writing and Society Research Group at the University of Western Sydney (where she graduated with a PhD degree).

Stephanie was the very popular “Inner Life” columnist for Good Weekend Magazine from 2001- 2010 (Sydney Morning Herald and The Age), and for many years was a frequent guest on ABC Radio. She continues to contribute actively and thoughtfully to public and social media, including the Universal Heart Book Club which she co-founded in 2012, and her very active, inspirational Facebook page.