Amends First Step Face your own feelings first. When you have done something wrong towards someone else, it's not always self-evident. If you have a temptation to disguise your shame and complete understanding of your own wrongdoing behind aggression, defensiveness, or self-pity, then you are protecting yourself at the expense of connecting with others and at the expense of acknowledging that you have caused harm. Ask yourself the following questions. If you answer yes to any of them, you're still in need of working through your feelings: • Are you trying to cover up feelings of shame because you are afraid of being a lesser person if you acknowledge your wrongdoing? • Are you aware of your mistake but have convinced yourself that you need to fight your way out of this to preserve your reputation? • Are you worried that this is a battle between self-respect and respect for others? Step 2 Understand what it takes to make amends. Move beyond the desire to cover up your shame, or to switch off any feelings of shame. Care enough to want to make amends, which includes being honest and keeping an open mind. • Change your frame of mind. If you're still feeling angry, wronged, unforgiving, or just plain fed up, changing your frame of mind to reach a state of personal acceptance of the need to make amends will help you. • Acknowledge that it is OK initially to feel anger about whatever happened but don't use your anger as an excuse. And definitely make a choice to move beyond anger - remember that this is about your mistake, not your allegedly besmirched reputation. • Face your own resentments before attempting to make amends. There is no point trying to make amends when you carry too much emotional baggage of your own. Facing your own sense of resentment is a practical, positive, and constructive way forward because it allows you to get to the heart of what's setting off your buttons. Resentment is unhealthy, so give it a rest. • Give yourself time to cool off and let the passing time heal wounds. Don't leave it too long, however, for the longer your anger festers and the longer the other person's mistrust of you is confirmed, the harder it will be to reconcile. • Accept that your own bad behavior happened and that it is now time to clean up the mess the behavior left behind. Acceptance is not about condoning - it's about recognizing things for what they are. Step 3 Write down the reasons for why you need to make amends. It is important to transfer the emotions from your head into reasons on paper. This will help you to sort through the worries, the realities, and your own interpretations of the situation. • Acknowledge the wrongdoing you have committed. Don't be arrogant or stubborn - instead, be honest. • Stand in the other person's shoes. What do you think would be their perspective of what happened between you? Would they be feeling the same resentment, anger, annoyance as you? Or would they be feeling hurt, perplexed, confused, and frustrated? Again, be honest - this enables you to step outside your own hurt and perception of whatever happened and to try and see it more objectively. • Even if you think there is shared blame, reach a point where you are able to be the bigger person about it. Step 4 Look over your reasons on paper. What leaps out in particular? Can you see patterns emerging? Have any of these same issues or behaviors arisen with other people you know also? • For example, you might find a pattern of behavior where you have behaved selfishly around this person or other people on several occasions. The actual event isn't as important as your negative motivation, so try to hone in on that aspect because you will want to convey that you have understood this to the person to whom you will be apologizing. Step 5 Prepare what you want to say to the other person. It is always wise to rehearse difficult conversations prior to having them, as this will help your auto-pilot to kick in if your emotions get the better of you. Look back over your list, think through the ways in which you could have done things differently, and find solutions for your future way forward. Then prepare some notes in your head, or on paper even, as to what you'll say when you talk to the other person again. Keep the following things in mind: • Be prepared to take responsibility for what you did. It's a good idea to elaborate on what you did wrong at the outset and to accept that you did the wrong thing. This sets the tone of remorse for the rest of the conversation. You can start simply with "I an sorry I hurt you. I was wrong to... think/say/do, etc.". Acknowledging their hurt will go a long way to easing tensions. • Realize that if this is not the first time you've hurt someone else, and the other person has heard your apologies before, that a mere "sorry" won't cut it. Sorry can be too easy a word to utter when it's not backed up by real change. Think about how you will make it clear that you really do express sincere regret and are genuine when you promise never to act this way again or to repeat your mistake.[1] Step 6 Resolve on some solutions. Expressing your genuine regret will mean a lot more if you provide measurable promises to change. • Start by offering ways to provide restitution. For example, if you broke something, offer to buy a new something; if you called a person terrible things, give them a long list of all their positive attributes and explain that you felt jealous of their accomplishments; if you ruined an event for them, offer to stage another one to make up for it, etc. Whether it is money, time, expertise, attention, etc., that you can offer to make things better, then do so. • Offer to explore with the other person the ways that they feel amends would be best made. If they offer realistic responses, this can provide a good pathway to reconnecting. This option won't always be an appropriate one, so consider the context of the mistake. Be especially careful if you're worried that the other person might take this as a chance to behave manipulatively – you're here to make amends, not become their eternal slave. • Explain the ways in which you intend to make changes to your own behavior. If there are any demonstrable ways you can use to back up this promise of change, use them. For example, you might tell the other person that you'll never ride an ATV again since the accident you had that killed the other person's prize sheep, and show them the advertisement for the vehicle's sale. • Be very honest in telling the other person what you have learned from this experience. This helps the other person to realize that you truly did learn a lesson, that you are contrite, and how effective a lesson it was. • If needed, you might also consider going so far as to provide an out for the other person should you fail to keep your promise – this is a last resort approach and its effectiveness will really depend on the extent and depth of your mistake. For example, you might say "If I break this promise to you, you are free to sell my Star Trek collection." Step 7 Decide to meet with the person, face-to-face. While it might be possible to make amends by email or telephone (and probably is the only means if you live far apart), it is far better to meet in person to make amends. This displays a willingness on your behalf to be near the person again and to make direct, meaningful contact with them. • If you are seeking to make amends with family members whom you have not seen for a long time, consider meeting them on neutral territory rather than in one another's homes. This will remove any usual tensions that being on one's own territory can raise. • If you can't meet in person, consider writing a letter rather than typing one or emailing. It's far more personal to put your pen to paper and to express your feelings in your own handwriting. Step 8 Begin your apology. Tell the other person that you wish to make amends for your mistake and start your discussion with them, drawing on what you're already rehearsed and the feelings you've worked through. Keep in mind the following: • Start by connecting with them visually if you are together. Eye contact is an important sign that you mean what you're saying and not avoiding them, or the truths of the wrongdoing. • Aim to leave this discussion on making amends with a stronger relationship than before your mistake. If you head into it with this state of mind, that you really care to re-establish your connection with this person and want things to be not only as good as they were once, but better, then you're off to a great start. • Watch your body language, tone of voice, stance, and attitude. If you are truly sorry, all of these elements should help to convey your genuine apology. • Avoid using "you" statements; always refer to "I feel", "I think", "I believe", "I thought I", etc.