ISSUE 09 01 MAY 2017 Contents FEATUREs
There’s An interview with Brian Lowe NEWs & OPINION always at Youthline Otago page 18 someone to 06 News by Lucy HUNTER talk to 12 New in Briefs 14 Politics
15 David Clark
16 Sport
38 Letters to the Editor
by Louise LIN page 22 Where Dunedin drinking Mount water comes from Grand No Information Beyond the Headline
Journalism’s Existential Crisis page 26 Hi from by Joe HIGHAM Grandad page 44 The letter you don’t
want to get
by Mat CLARKSON Issue 09 | MAY 2017 Contents COLUMNs Ethel & Hyde: A call for questions from our good and evil agony aunts. If you want to sort out your problems and/or make them worse, you should write to [email protected] Poetry Corner: Brighid Morgan on a book. You’ve read this one before Comic Time Cooking Up Love: Will they, or won’t they? Vitalogy: Loopy old hair-type categories Science Tank Hell Hole Hole Hell Booze Reviews Want to do something special today?
40 40 41 41 42 43 46
39 39 Shandy of the Day Day Musings Of A Jerk English Breakfast Meet & Lady Gray Hair Indicative of Character Politicians Politicians Science Denying This Book Will Life Your Change Animal Attic Animal No Probemo Problem!
[email protected] Centre image by Nikki Cain. Submit your artwork for our pull-out poster to Provisionally Listed:
CULTURE The Bloggs—Nicola Jackson Ba(e)gels Dawn Horizon: Zero Beauty and the Beast, Power Rangers, Marvel’s Iron Fist, Improv: The Musical Swing Time—Zadie Smith Music— Reg Norris rants about the demise of record stores, explores some of the best songs released recently by local artists, and reviews Fazerdaze’s new Morningside. album, Art Food Games Film & TheatreFilm Books ‘Morningside’ (specifically ‘Friends’) by Fazerdaze 24 37 36 35 33 32 30
Editorial 5
THE CRITIC TEAM
EDITOR LUCY HUNTER EXECUTIVE EDITOR JOE HIGHAM DESIGN NATASHA MURACHVER FEATURES DESIGN CERI GIDDENS CHIEF REPORTER JOEL MACMANUS SUB EDITOR CHARLIE O’MANNIN NEWS INTERN ANNA LINTON
SECTION EDITORS
ART EDITOR MONIQUE HODGKINSON BOOKS EDITOR JESSICA THOMPSON CARR FILM EDITOR LAURA STARLING FOOD EDITOR LIANI BAYLIS GAMES EDITOR BRANDON JOHNSTONE MUSIC EDITORS BIANCA PRUJEAN & REG NORRIS POLITICS EDITOR GEORGE ELLIOTT SPORT EDITOR CHARLIE HANTLER
Not For Profits CONTRIBUTORS LOUISE LIN, MAT CLARKSON, ZAHRA SHAHTAH- MASEBI, SAM FRASER-BAXTER, JACK TREVELLA, SASKIA RUSHTON-GREEN, NIKKI CAIN, DAVID This week’s Critic includes a couple of features on mental local and central government, as their vulnerability CLARK, JUSTENE ALLEN, LUCY NORTHWOOD, health in Dunedin. When visiting Youthline Otago we impairs their ability to advocate and lobby effectively. BEN CRAVENS, FLORENCE DEAN, ALEX CAMP- were struck by the modesty of the operation—we sat in Where money is, money tends to go. BELL-HUNT, CHRIS HACON, BRIAR SMITH-WAD- a small room with a second-hand table and two mis- Another example, which we covered extensively in DELL, CHELLE FITZGERALD, BRIGHID MORGAN, matched chairs. In the corner was a beanbag, on the Critic, occurred last year and involved the government CONNOR SEDDON walls, posters for the helpline and other not-for-profit threatening to cut all funding to the Otago/Southland organisations. Hepatitis C Resource Centre, the only service of its kind DISTRIBUTION SAM LLOYD & WAHAHA FLAT The government has recently announced a monu- in the South Island. The cost of running the centre is just ONLINE CONTENT MANAGER AMAN JAMWAL mental pay rise for disability, care, and support workers $40,000 per year, which includes all overheads and in New Zealand. Around 55,000 workers in the female Health Promoter Alison Beck’s modest salary. ADVERTISING SALES dominated sector will go from an average hourly wage North Dunedin MP David Clark’s column this week is TIM COUCH, PETER RAMSAY, of $16 to between $19 and $23.50 per hour. This is a on Mental Health in Dunedin. He discusses the results [email protected] wonderful step in recognising the importance of this of a recent report on New Zealand’s mental health ser- work. Paying workers a living wage makes a job more vices, which recommends an urgent funding increase appealing, and will likely see an improvement in the for mental health services. He claims that around $1.7 lives of the people these workers are caring for. High billion has been taken from our health system over the turnover of staff means that new people are leaving past six years. Students are just one of the groups suf- Issue 09 | MAY 2017 while their skills are still developing. Happy staff will fering directly because of this funding shortfall. There READ ONLINE stay in difficult jobs longer. Their invaluable knowledge have recently been funding cuts to the University of CRITIC.CO.NZ and experience in care work will not be wasted because Otago’s mental health services, provided through the ISSUU.COM/CRITIC_TE_AROHI of frustration at low wages. fantastic Student Health, which will mean that many GET IN TOUCH As with all publicly funded services, some receive students are unable to afford adequate therapy for mental [email protected] enough funding while others fall by the wayside, such illness outside of their six subsidised sessions. FACEBOOK.COM/CRITICTEAROHI TWEET: @CRITICTEAROHI as Youthline Otago. Central government’s balancing act It’s not exclusively the Labour Party that have policies (03) 479 5335 is undoubtedly a difficult task, but it’s hard to understand that are sympathetic to the mental health sector, and, P.O. BOX 1436, DUNEDIN any budget that excludes funding for a group who pro- with just five months until the general election, take vides often lifesaving help for young people who are at some time to research who is pledging to fix the neglect Critic is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). a point where they consider ending their own life to be of our most vulnerable citizens. Disclaimer: the views presented within this their only option. Often the most vulnerable demograph- publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, PMD, or OUSA. ics in society receive the worst amount of funding from Press Council: people with a complaint against a magazine should first complain in Lucy & Joe writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Critic Co-Editors Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington. 6 News Keeping Tabs On The Exec Uni News Protestors March Against Construction of Animal Testing Facility
by Anna Linton
A recent protest on University of Otago The $50 million investment has grounds saw more than 70 people been shrouded in secrecy since it was voicing opposition to the construction announced in early August last year. by Joe Higham of an animal testing facility on Great The hefty investment comes in the King Street.Headed by the New wake of funding cuts in various other Zealand Anti-Vivisection Society departments across campus, most (NZAVS), and supported by several notably the Division of Humanities. national and international organisa- NZAVS argues that animal based Funding applications from Autism submission OUSA received. They in- tions, the protest was held on ‘World research is increasingly becoming New Zealand and the Rotary Club cluded a TL;DR summary - or ‘too Day for Lab Animals’. The protestors out-dated and “bad science”, and, sparked discussion about whether long; don’t read’ - which noted “pizza marched in the hope of halting con- according to the group, presents an the budget allocation for charitable is the glue which holds most clubs struction and convincing the univer- unwise investment in addition to its causes should be dedicated to only together, pls [sic] fund it.” Baird said sity to commit to using the facility for ethical concerns. student-centric charities. Colleges that it was a “bang on submission,” non-animal based research, rather The university has responded by Officer James Heath said that we although that view was not shared than as an animal testing facility. asserting their commitment to reduc- should “only be finding charities by other members. Recreation Officer The facility is due for completion ing the use of animal research, and working in the student interest,” while Caitlin Barlow-Groome said it’s “very in October 2018, and various animal finding alternatives. Deputy Vice- President Hugh Baird agreed with hard to track” these uses of money, activism organisations have respond- Chancellor Professor Richard Blaikie Admin VP William Guy, who reminded as clubs could “get pizza and then ed by committing to fighting its use told Critic that “building the Research the executive officers that OUSA does bugger off without proof” of doing so. as an animal testing facility for the Support facility does not signal an play a part in the local community, Baird replied with, “that’s why we do foreseeable future. extension of our animal-based re- and their charitable contributions it in good faith,” also stating that the Tara Jackson, Executive Director of search … [rather] replacing aging fa- should reflect that. Education Officer executive can, and do, use their own NZAVS told Critic “We want the cilities with a modern building … [to] Bryn Jenkins wondered what hap- funding to buy things like pizza, al- University of Otago to invest in the future proof Otago’s status as a world- pened to the group’s decision at the though Jenkins then said “but we have best, most reliable and accurate re- class scientific institution”. beginning of the year to proactively a constitution and a higher level of search—this is non-animal based and NZAVS and OSAATS are trying to find charities to donate to, which was accountability.” Guy then asked human relevant research”. raise awareness of the issue through met with a change of subject. Baird whether “we should change the A widely distributed petition the upcoming OUSA referendum. A concluded the discussion by saying grants policy as a result of this sub- against the facility has seen wide question submitted by Oska Rego, “we don’t have to spend the money mission?”, to which Jenkins replied support from both students and President of Students’ Animal Legal in the charity budget though.” “no, but actively engage with Dunedin residents. An NZAVS student Defence Fund, will allow Otago stu- The provisional amendments to them (ODA) to explain why it’s not component has formed, the Otago dents the opportunity to have their the OUSA’s Grants Policy were sent changing.” Students Against Animal Testing say. That question is: “Should OUSA out to affiliated clubs and submissions Barlow-Groome attended Jack Society (OSAATS), aimed at demon- lobby the university to cease devel- were requested from those clubs to Bisset’s funeral on Wednesday 19th strating student opposition to the opment on the facility until transpar- gauge whether or not they were April, leaving a note offering support site’s construction. ent consultation on financial, ethical, agreed upon outside of the executive. to the family, along with flowers and Australian celebrity animal activist and scientific value and implications One of the proposed amendments a card on OUSA’s behalf. Bisset, a James Aspey made an appearance to of investing in animal-based re- includes limiting the range of purpos- 17 year old Otago University student show his objection to the centre. search”. President of OSAATS, Azura es that clubs can grant money who was living at City College, died Placards used in the protests con- Patterson says their focus will be on for, something which the Otago on Saturday 15th April after an tained supportive messages and lo- encouraging students to vote ‘Yes’ to Dance Association (ODA) disagreed epileptic seizure. gos from 16 national and international that referendum question. The result with in their submission—the only organisations objecting to the facility. of the referendum is non-binding. Issue 09 | MAY 2017 7 - - News it is still committed to the Cadbury World attraction, asit attracts around 110, 000 visitors a year. Currently, Cadbury World employs 35 workers on a permanent part-time basis. hoped that is theIt developments new will help create more jobs—it has been proposed that these jobs would first be offered to those who had been made redundant by the factory closure, but how many jobs will be created remains unclear. Mairremains confident that the“rede velopments can be a meaningful legacy in Dunedin,” as the attraction plays a key part in the growing tourism sector and it is estimated annual visitor rates will be 180,000. to boosted While the potential boost to the tourism sector is a good thing, the effect of the factory’s closure to Dunedin’s economy, through lost jobs and the flow-on effects to the community, cannot be ignored. Whether the redevelopments help will buffer this impact remains to be seen. In light of this and other recent contro versies associated with Cadbury, such as being bought by Kraft Foods, their use of palm oil, and a reduction in the size of their products, it begs the question: will people still want to partake in the Cadbury Magic and flock to Cadbury World like Mondelez hopes?
- -
The redevelopments cost will $3 million Mondelez to In dollars, according and, ternationalPlant Manager Judith “$1 Mair, million has already been invested with local suppliers in the structural refur bishing of the Old Dairy building”. The Cadbury factory announced that it would be closing in February this year, surprise. by taking Mondelez cited many increased costs and distance to market as reasons why it was not possible to continue production in Dunedin, even though the factory was still making a profit. The factory was Dunedin’s fourth largest employer. The closure, which will happen by early 2018, marks the end of a 90-year manufacturing presence in New Zealand, and resulted in at least 360 redundancies. The manufacturingjob site will be moved to Australia. However, Mondelez International that maintained - - - otago.ac.nz/courseadvice How’s the year going? Thinking of making changes to your course of study for second semester? Course advice is available anytime, and at any point during your studies. To make an appointment see
Local News Local as they engage in the new attractions.” can “see and feel the history of the site weathered, industrial look” so visitors and said they are “keen to maintain the described the old building as “amazing” International’s spokesperson Jake Hatton times as big as the present site. Mondelez old manufacturing building—a site five current Cadbury World into the factory’s positive. Part of the potential re-devel the expanding include would opment and the stakeholders has been largely initial feedback from both the community According to Mondelez to International,According the no final decision having been made. the concept development stage, development the concept with and the attraction, with plans still being in series of plans that will look at upgrading tional, are looking to revamp their Duned in tourist attraction. They have released a Cadbury owners, World Mondelez Interna a $3 million Upgrade a $3 To Give Cadbury World Cadbury World Give To Mondelez International International Mondelez by Zahra Shahtahmasebi Zahra by 8 News
end of [2014]. You are talking about one for 2018, four years after that.” He then referred to reports of hospital rebuilds in Australia of similar scale which Local News were entirely completed within four years, including planning. “Why can you not commit to building a What the Hell is Going On full level six tertiary hospital in four years given that it has been done several times successfully with the Hospital Rebuild? just across the ditch?” Mr Blair was unable to commit to retaining the A Short History hospital’s level six status, but did assure the audi- ence that neurosurgery and cardiac surgery services would be retained at the new facility. Dr Clark has been eager to jump on the growing by Joel MacManus frustration among Dunedin residents throughout this process. He told Critic that “The government’s refusal to kick-start the rebuild of our hospital speaks to its priorities. Decent, high quality, health- The Dunedin hospital rebuild has been continually take eight to ten years. Then in June 2015, faced care should be above party politics - but an inde- stalled for the last two years, dragging along with with a $27 million deficit, the government proceeded pendent assessment shows the current government more reluctance than a student finishing a research to fire all the elected members of the board and has underfunded the health sector by more than assignment. replace them with an appointed commissioner. $1.7 billion since 2008.” Another roadblock appeared this week with news This was meant to only last until the 2016 local body For now, details of the rebuild remain scarce to that the Ministry of Health apparently doesn’t know elections, but the plan was non-existent. Mr Blair says what parts they can afford to rebuild or how big the scrapped at the last minute, that a detailed business case project is going to be. They had planned to seek and so the central govern- for the exact nature of the public-private partnership (PPP), a plan which ment remains in the control rebuild will be ready by the would involve private sector companies in the costs of organisation. middle of 2018. and benefits of the rebuild process. Unfortunately, This meant that all the Mr Newell says the inabil- this has not even come close to fruition, as the SDHB’s plans were scrapped and a new organisation ity of the SPD to lock down basic information about Ministry’s lack of specific plans mean that a ‘market was formed to oversee the hospital rebuild: the private vs. public funding, a start date, or even the sounding’ to estimate value and investor interest Southern Partnership Group (SPG). About a year location of the rebuild has allowed “half-truths and had to be put off indefinitely. later this new streamlined group of government rumours” to foster. He hopes that the upcoming This is just the latest in a number of missteps experts announced their estimated rebuild time, election will force the parties to be more specific and miscalculations. In April 2014, multiple leaks which was seven to ten years. about their plans for the hospital, “We’ve got 5,000 were reported in the hospital’s surgical theatre, Then, in 2016, the Treasury started sticking its people in there at any time, it’s essential services causing equipment to be desterilised and proce- head in. Health Minister Jonathan Coleman tried to for this reason. This is our chance to make some dures to be put on hold. An Official Information Act push things along and encourage the SPG to speed noise and let them know we’re not going to settle request revealed more failures, including power the process up. The Treasury told then-Finance for second best”. outages to entire wards and an incident with an Minister Bill English that this was a terrible idea, The DCC recently passed a resolution to lobby elevator free falling five floors. saying “The [Southern Partnership Group] and the government to keep the hospital in its central city Ian Powell, Executive Director of the Association Ministry [of Health] are coming under pressure to location, with Mayor Dave Cull particularly noting of Salaried Medical Specialists (ASMS), pushed hard expedite timelines for the business case process. that the proximity to the university made the lo- to start the rebuild process, saying “Patients deserve We see this as a major risk to a successful outcome.” cation “the best you can do”. They also launched a better facilities and so do the senior doctors and Dunedin City Councillor Damian Newell described S.O.S. (Save Our Site, Save Our Services) campaign other staff working at the hospital, so we’re urging the feeling within the council as “a general frustra- asking Dunedin residents to write to Bill English the Government to make a decision as soon as tion with the lack of communication, everything’s and Dunedin North National MP Michael Woodhouse possible … It’s hardly the standard of facilities we’d been so slow. We’re trying to nudge things along demanding a commitment to retaining a “top flight expect in New Zealand’s health system. We need to gently, but it’s a delicate balance. There’s no one to teaching hospital.” This in turn led to Michael make sure the hospital is fit for purpose, and is safe blame really, we all want the best for the city and Woodhouse accusing the council of being a front and modern so it supports the delivery of high the university, which is a core part of the city, but for the Labour Party. quality public health care by our clinical staff.” the process is just moving at a snail’s pace.” In short, nobody knows what the fuck is hap- Reports found that the clinical services building Labour’s Spokesperson for Health, Dunedin North pening or when it’s happening, the people that do did not meet industry standards for infection con- MP David Clark takes a more accusatory stance. At know aren’t saying shit, nobody’s talking to each trol, electrical wiring, or even laundry processes. A a public meeting in February he accused SPG Chief other, we’re behind schedule, have no idea of the significant earthquake in the area could render it Andrew Blair of causing unnecessary delays, saying budget or even what the plan is, and all the while largely unusable. “I asked Tony Ryall [Former Health Minister] per- our essential healthcare services are crumbling The Southern District Health Board (SDHB) then sonally when there would be a business case for around us. Hoo-rah. put out a draft plan for the rebuild, which would the hospital, and he said there would be one by the Issue 09 | MAY 2017 9 - - - - News In line with the state government’s decision to to decision government’s In line state the with state current the by fatality the to response The When prompted for more specifics, the univer the specifics, more for When prompted The decision to use repellent devices may go go may devices repellent use to decision The The government has also held a senate commit has also held a senate government The This could potentially be because, prior to the the to prior be because, This could potentially Politics University Otago former example, For government is an evident shift in political tact. inshift is politicaltact. an evident government large-scale involving led responses Government nets, and shark barriers, as shark such strategies in recent criticised been fiercely have hooks baited and public. the both scientists by years that reactions mitigating heated the to way some while in Australia, fatal attacks accompany often solution an effective towards working meaningfully in future. the attacks of shark risk the reduce to responded by saying “We can’t talk about individual individual about talk can’t “We saying by responded de employment individual members’ staff teaching the that answer Tony’s in clear tails…it’s of needs the meets in department the capacity enrolments.” current any our beaches make don’t actually they because told Kelly Dave Minister Fisheries state’s the safer,” attack. the following reporters the exploring fatality, the to response in inquiry tee repellent shark of personal andefficacy regulation to pulses electrical subaquatic use which devices, water. of areas certain from sharks deter management measures, of lethal shark clear step an official policy release to is expected state the of repellent subsidies state-funded the surrounding deterrent, a popular Shield, shark Shark devices. funded a state AUS$500-$700; between costs expected. is AUS$200 of subsidy Division of Humanities departments was under was of Humanities departments Division and deficits spiraling with year, last July in taken as the being provided enrolments lacking student not was of Politics mainDepartment the cause; departments. affected five among those asked university the process, MoC the of beginning be willing would they whether division in the staff gauge to redundancy of voluntary offer the take to also It‘s cut. to needed they staff many how actually were departments some that possible a as process MoC the in included being from saved offers. such up taking staff of result at redundancy voluntary took Edwards Bryce Dr a and finished process, the of beginning the at end the of at university the long tenure decade month. last McPherson Megan of Communications sity’s Head - - “We made it clear in opposition that we don’t see don’t see we in that made opposition it clear “We The policy was abandoned in late 2014 following 2014 in abandoned late policyThe was following Brouwer, of Laeticia death tragic the Following Ballantyne’s reassuring yet vague statement statement vague yet Ballantyne’s reassuring five for process (MoC) Change of A Management has stated that they will not deploy drumlines to drumlines will to not deploy they that has stated and kill sharks. catch drumlines, deploying in merit automatically the hooks as a means of pro-actively killing large killing large of pro-actively ashooks a means the reducing that believed government The sharks. reduce would in area the sharks number of large attacks. shark severe of likelihood the and uncer public scientific backlash widespread No of strategy. the efficacy the surrounding tainty cull. during the caught were Whites Great government Australian Labour-ledthe Western enrolments. The Department turns 50 this year and and year 50 this turns Department The enrolments. in the Staff celebrating. worth history has a proud is that and teaching research deliver department that no doubt whatsoever and I have world-class, and vi will be as strong future Department’s the past.” its as brant it although does move, the does or not deny confirm department the going that forward suggest to seem a or without replacement. with will be strong remains strong and will meet the needs of current and will of needs current the meet strong remains - -
The university isn’t prepared to disclose their their disclose to prepared isn’t university The It is not publically known at this stage which which at this stage known isIt not publically 17-year-old Laeticia Brouwer was surfing with with surfing was Brouwer Laeticia 17-year-old - govern Australian Western led 2014, a liberal In
International the teaching capacity in the [Politics] Department Department in [Politics] the capacity teaching the Chancellor for the Division of Humanities Tony of Humanities Tony Division the for Chancellor changes, recent “Despite that saying Ballantyne plans for the vacant position, with Pro-Vice Pro-Vice with position, vacant the plansfor staff member has taken up the offer. the up taken has member staff ing tight-lipped on whom, if anybody will be be will if anybody whom, on tight-lipped ing them. replacing of voluntary redundancy, with the University keep University the with redundancy, of voluntary Critic understands that a second staff member from member from staff a that second understands Critic an offer has taken of Politics Department the Uni News Uni strategy, which saw the deployment of large baited baited of large deployment the saw which strategy, ment implemented its controversial ‘shark cull’ cull’ ‘shark controversial its mentimplemented related fatality in Western Australia since 2004. since Australia Western in fatality related severe blood loss and later died in Esperance died and in later blood Esperance loss severe shark fourteenth the is death Brouwer’s Hospital. Australia when she was mauled by what is believed is believed what mauled by was she when Australia experienced Brouwer Shark. White a Great be to her father near Esperance in South Western Western in South Esperance near her father weeks ago.weeks death of a teenage girl in the Australian state two two state in Australian the girl of a teenage death The Western Australia (WA) Government has an has Government (WA) Australia Western The the following will not cull they that nounced sharks by Sam Fraser-Baxter by
by Joe Higham by Common Sense Prevails Sense Prevails Common
Otago University Coy Over Over Coy University Otago in Australia’s Bloody Battle Battle Bloody in Australia’s Politics Staff Member Politics Plans to Replace Dept. of Dept. of Replace to Plans With Sharks 10 News International
Second Blackest Black Paint in the World Not That Black “It doesn’t even smell that nice”
by Lucy Hunter
Critic recently obtained a small bottle of they are not Anish Kapoor, and that they “Stuart Semple Black”, which was meant will not share the paint with him. to be a replica of the world’s black- However, Kapoor got his hands on the est material, “Vantablack”, of which Pinkest Pink and posted a picture of his controversial artist Anish Kapoor has middle finger dipped in the paint to his exclusive rights. Instagram account with the caption “Up Vantablack absorbs about 99.6 percent yours #pink”. of light, meaning that theoretically an Since Kapoor already has Vantablack, Some of our ideas for the black paint object covered in it looks like a cut out which actually does cool stuff, it is un- included painting Executive Editor Joe silhouette rather than a three dimension- likely he will want any of this. Higham, then seeing if we could trick an al object, giving the illusion that you could The much-anticipated Stuart Semple exorcist into thinking he’s a ghost. “disappear into it,” according to Kapoor. Black arrived in the Critic office, but, However, due to the disappointing results Artist Stuart Semple took umbrage though it is pretty black and matt, it does of our office testing, we don’t think the with Kapoor’s monopoly of the material. not make objects disappear into a silhou- exorcist would even get a decent fright. He created Stuart Semple Black, a cher- ette. It just looks like matt black paint, “I thought it would look like a hole cut ry-scented replica of Vantablack, along and feels horrible to touch. in the fabric of reality,” said an observer, with pigments he called the “Pinkest An office stapler (pictured) was “but I guess that’s not how reality works.” Pink” and “Most Glittery Glitter”. painted with the Semple paint, but rather Features Designer Ceri Giddens was His pigments are available to every- than disappearing into a tiny black seen thrusting her painted fingers into body in the world, apart from Kapoor. hole, it just looks like a stapler with a people’s faces, commanding that they On purchase, buyers must promise that black top-half. sniff the black cherry scent.
Youthline Otago is looking for volunteers for the Youthline Helpline If you have a passion for helping others and a willingness to undergo Youthline offers a our extensive training and personal development programme, confidential and non we would love to hear from you. judgmental support service via our 24/7 Helpline.
If you can’t commit to the When you need someone Helpline but keen to support to talk to and listen or the work we do, contact feeling overwhelmed, us to find out what roles you can contact us on: and projects are underway 0800 376633, free text 234, that may better suit your email [email protected] or webchat at: requirements. www.youthline.co.nz
In Dunedin, we also offer face to face appointments. Please send all enquires to: Contact OUSA Student Support for further information [email protected] face.com/youthlineotago or email [email protected] Issue 09 | MAY 2017 11 - - News Little seems to have licked his his licked have to seems Little policy ACT’s think you Whether matters is you understand who has has who understand is you matters who policies through, their thought real to false solutions is providing scape is and merely who problems, gain ground to goating immigrants polls. in the some sizeable diplomatic and diplomatic eco sizeable some nomic issues. it in air, the that finger, decided raised in windthe direction is the blowing this and month, ofimmigration ‘leadership’ the show it to onto latched create. to pressure under is he hand other on the has said Seymour problems both address would “ACT one policy:with councils letting keep This building projects. from GST some local infrastructure fund new would to councils incentivising also while housing development.” new allow of immigration both issues convoluted better and housing/infrastructure Labour,than National, and others really What you. to up entirely is promise holds the answers to the the to holds answers the promise - - BACK! DEAL IS SKI4FREE JUCY'S EPIC JUCY'S Score up to six consecutive days of FREE skiing at of FREE skiing days Score up to six consecutive with JUCY!* hire a vehicle when you Wanaka, Cone, Treble SKI4FREE.CO.NZ & Conditions apply. *Terms THE BEST THE BEST IN THINGS LIFE ARE FREE! The sense ACT is speaking comes comes speaking is ACT sense The nalist Lloyd Burr’s recent opinion opinion recent Burr’s Lloyd nalist ‘Which immigrants entitled piece out pointed which ban?, Labour will cut Little’s planthat immigration to likely is thousands” of “tens by causing without beto impossible National for beginning for National a ‘bidding war’ Labour making with on immigration, in an attempt promises’ ‘meaningless look stronger. to on squarely being focus their through as opposed infrastructure providing This is es immigration. reducing to jour Newshub following so pecially - - - - Surprisingly, it is ACT’s David David ACT’s is it Surprisingly, But maybe Little, English, and and English, Little, maybe But Immigration Minister Michael Michael Minister Immigration Despite the populist sentiment populist the sentiment Despite in having net immigration With present themselves as capable and and as capable themselves present leaders. strong most the is speaking who Seymour chastising on this issue, sense proach to immigration and these and these immigration to proach the strike to designed changes are the reinforcing balance between right Skills of Essential nature temporary employ and visas encouraging work invest and Kiwis more on take to ers them.” upskill to training in the wrong. issue this whole have others are they that likely very is It to in order this rhetoric promoting atives as recently as 2013 (it was was 2013 (it as recently as atives 2013), in 2012, and—2,500 —3,300 in a point. have may he oozing out of Little’s statement, he he oozing out of Little’s statement, preface down a watered didprovide “New that comment, the agreeing to and is all immigrants needs Zealand - cul rich and skills the for better the bring.” they ture 2016 on nationally 6.5 percent creased being inand neg the net migration Labour win the election, Little has has LabourLittle win election, the “tens by cut immigration to promised of thousands.” Woodhouse explained that “the “the explained that Woodhouse ap first has a Kiwis Government - - - in the direction of in the direction Little seems to have have to seems Little licked his finger, raised his finger, licked immigration this month immigration that the wind is blowing that the wind is blowing it in the air, and decided and decided it in the air,
The government have recently recently have government The Many connect the two, with immi with two, the connect Many With net permanent and long-term and net permanent long-term With No, he does not. he does No, Point On Immigration Policy? Policy? On Immigration Point Does Andrew Little Have a Have Little Andrew Does Opinion by Joe Higham by think our current settings.” Should settings.” Should think our current - re and pause to need we ever, than out of touch with New Zealand, ex Zealand, New out with of touch plaining more “now, as that a country Leader Andrew Little has leapt on, on, has leapt Little Andrew Leader is government the as proof move the $48,859 per year, a move Labour Labour move a year, per $48,859 complainingit’s not sees He enough. Migrant Category (SMC) to at least at least to (SMC) Category Migrant earn to able to qualify for the Skilled Skilled the for qualify to able to earn ‘problem’ by increasing the amount amount the increasing by ‘problem’ must migrants temporary of money Auckland’s burgeoning population. burgeoning Auckland’s up the limited supply of houses and and of houses supply up limited the of as cause the being scapegoated grants often being blamed for using being using blamed for often grants ever worsening housing crisis. crisis. housing worsening ever continuing population boom and an in, especially in light of Auckland’s Auckland’s of light in especially in, country are throwing their two cents cents two their throwing are country of 6.5 percent on the same period last last period same the on 6.5 percent of politicians upthe and down year, the year up to March 2017, an increase increase 2017, an March to up year the migration (arrivals minus departures) minus departures) (arrivals migration for 72,000 approximately at sitting this trend is already well underway. underway. well already is trend this our country for the next three years, years, three next the for country our gration rhetoric, and with five months months and five with rhetoric, gration will be who leading know left until we As with any election year, political political year, election any As with up immi their ramp to tend parties tried to address the immigration immigration the address to tried POST-FACT WORLD WORLD WATCH New South Wales, One of us aaaalways tells the truth, Australia and one of us aaaalways lies A 12-year-old boy was arrested after driving 1,300 kilometres by Hammers used to be used as cutlery himself in the family before they were replaced by forks car. The boy, who was London, England on his way to Perth, was A London woman cheering on marathon runners stopped by police after I wouldn’t go out with anyone you took a picture and quickly realised she may have they saw his bumper know captured a bit too much. The runner had somehow dragging across the managed to expose himself to the cheering crowds ground. A detective and someone managed to take a photo of the claimed, “Despite being Business cards were invented before woman discovering what she had caught on camera. 12 years old, he is about businesses (so that monkeys could The picture shows the woman looking at her phone six foot tall”. feel professional) horrified with her mouth wide open in disbelief.
Sticks and stones may make two clones, but birds are mean and dirty JERRY—PE 1 I don’t trust it 2 Rarely. They’re in Samoa If you put your nail-clippings in your 3 Goat testicles postbox and put up the flag, the 4 It’s wasteful. Everyone has a tap postman will take them and leave 5 America you a shiny penny ASH—Zoology 1 Quite a lot – 80 percent If you let palm trees keep growing 2 They’re all deceased they become hand trees 3 Haggis 4 It’s unnecessary 5 Q: How do you make holy water? A garden fork can be used to eat A: You boil the hell out of it really big spaghetti JESS—MFCo 1 50 percent If you cry for long enough you will 2 Every few months feel better 3 Stroganoff 4 Rip off—it falls out of the sky 5 Q: What did the piece of sushi say to the Surgeons are known as “Mr” bumblebee? A: Wasabi because they never receive any formal training CHRIS—Journalism 1 2 percent 2 As often as I’m able to Windows are not related to doors 3 Tinned salmon—the bones and grey bits BUNCH FIVES OF genetically but form an entirely 4 If you’re bourgeois enough, good! different genealogical family tree 5 I love you
It’s 4 o’clock JOEL—Zoology & Theology 1 5 percent 2 Twice a month Snakes are sausage rolls 3 Olives 4 No need to pay for it 5 Not good at telling jokes off the cuff Issue 02 | Mar 2017 03 477 9959 03 477 FACTS & FIGURES 36 Moray Place Dunedin 36 Moray Nelson Mandela was not not was Nelson Mandela the US terror from removed list until 2008 watch of matchcom, The founder his lost Gary Kremen, a man she met girlfriend to on match.com lost once Dolly Parton lookalike a Dolly Parton artist a drag to competition will float orange A whole but will sink if you on water, peel it trade more Bananas have than AK-47s regulations babies born in nine In 2013, named Cheese the UK were will be there By 2019, on Earth figures Lego more than people of Weinstein Harvey has been thanked Miramax 12 times at the Oscars—once God than more were When the Pyramids mammoths still built woolly Earth the roamed Until 1858, all British written passports were in French By Jack Trevella
By Charlie O’Mannin
Poor agnostics Poor
gender relations gender ODT champion of justice champion of justice going through puberty through going be written in Sumerian in Sumerian be written WATCH
once again, to hedge their bets hedge again, to once A throwback to the golden age of of age the golden to A throwback Next, the ODT presents their latest latest their presents the ODT Next, fill an assigned quota of surreal angst angst fill an assigned quota of surreal Sometimes I think that the ODT has to has to Sometimes I think that the ODT And finally a headline that may as well well as And finally a headline that may martial mountain cave arts in a remote every week. Either that or they spell out spell out Either that or they week. every Wool has spent the last decade learning learning has spent the last decade Wool a hidden message for help. Or the ODT is is Or the ODT help. for message a hidden To start this week, the ODT have decided, decided, have ODT start the week, this To I don’t even know anymore. It’s too much. It’s too anymore. know even don’t I s Q’
Tell us your us your Tell funniest joke How do you feel feel you do How for about paying water? bottled What is the worst What is the worst in the world? food How often do you you do often How your speak to grandparents? How much of your of your much How get you news do media? social from
Hyderabad. Hyderabad. Chennai, Mumbai and Chennai, Mumbai and to disrupt flights into disrupt flights into to sent the email, hoping sent the email, hoping new email address and and new email address agree to. He created a a He created to. agree girlfriend had made him him girlfriend had made of a holiday to Goa his Goa his to of a holiday in an attempt to get out out get to in an attempt discussing a hijack plot, a hijack plot, discussing had heard a group of men of men a group had heard authorities claiming he claiming he authorities sent an email to airport airport to sent an email A cheating husband husband A cheating Hyderabad, India India Hyderabad,
By Jack Trevella
3
2 5
4 1 14 Politics
International
France’s ‘Radical Centrist’ The mythological homeland of European revolution Macron to Face Populist and generations of chain- smoking post-modernists Le Pen in Election’s has had its political status quo shaken. Second Round
by George Elliott
Newcomer centrist Emmanuel Macron their symbolic ownership of a partic- France) ticket, won 19.58 percent of and hard-right populist Marine Le ular alley-way tweed café. There’s no the vote and is seen as the repre- Pen will face off in the second round reason those yuppies can’t be just sentative of the French left in the of France’s presidential elections on as fired up as those in the hinter- elections. Since the results of the the 7th of May after no candidate won lands posting their resentments and first round, Mélenchon’s camp has a majority last week. Macron came anxieties. Hillary Clinton could only said that “not a single vote” from its away with 24.01 percent of the vote, dream of this. members should go to Le Pen but while Le Pen was a million votes be- stopped short of fully endorsing Ma- hind at 21.30 percent. The traditional Though having a literal Rothschild in- cron, who is a “a marketing product mainstream parties in France, the vestment banker as your rival is also full of vacuities” according to once Republicans and the Socialists, were a dream for Le Pen, who will label Insoumise voter. left behind with 20 percent and 6.4 Macron a globalist loyal to Brussels, percent respectively, ending 60 years not Paris. Macron has also been Le Pen is a dodgy fascist, so you’d of political domination. Opinion polls attacked as a continuation of France’s think it wouldn’t be a hard choice for show Macron will likely beat Le Pen very unpopular incumbent president, those on the French left. Howev- this weekend – but hell, a reality TV François Hollande. er, with the left vs. right spectrum star is the leader of the free world. Importantly, Macron’s party has no being seemingly replaced with a seats in the French parliament and globalist vs. nationalist paradigm in Emmanuel Macron once worked for a will need to win some in the June the world’s developed democracies, French banking entity under the um- parliamentary elections and arrange the left, and more specifically the brella of financial giant Rothschild & partnerships with other parties if he remnants of the labour movement, C— yes, that Rothschild, the fetishist is to have the power to enact policy have found it difficult to find a home devil in anti-Semite conspiracy theo- changes. The same goes for Le Pen’s and a unifying raison d’etre. A new ries. Yet his one-year-old movement, National Front, an anti-immigration generation in the working class areas En Marche! (“turned on”, “on the and anti-EU nationalist party which which once backed the Socialists march”, “forward”) is being perceived only has one seat in the National have been captivated by Le Pen’s by members and commentators alike Assembly. nationalist message. On the flip side, as an organic beast; En Marche! is those who voted for Mélenchonm the (neo)liberal order’s response to Some commentators have speculated may look at the most vocal support- the peoples’ movements of illiberal that far left supporters will vote for ers of Macron’s campaign: France’s strongmen (and now woman) à la Le Pen; in a move reminiscent of the news media, the old Socialist/Re- Donald Trump and Macron’s rival, US Democratic Party establishment’s publican guard, the megabanks and Le Pen. En Marche! is for the urban scare narrative of BernieBros voting German chancellor Angela Merkel, citizen who liked Simone de Beauvoir for Trump. Jean-Luc Mélenchon, who and think ‘I’m tired of this—this is on Facebook, is a volunteer liaison ran on the La France Insoumise (“Un- more of the same’. for refugee families, and treasures tamed”, “Defiant” or “Unsubmissive” Issue 0907 || APRMAY 20172017 15 Politics Mental Health Mental I hear from those who have been about the university university the about been have who those from I hear illnesses related time anxiety some that andfor stress are this for reasons The prevalent. more becoming are on placed expectations growing the though complex, a part. play likely people young David ClarkDavid A major part of the problem is that government funding has not kept up funding up has not kept is government that A major of problem the part difference the about, service, that needs care you or someone When you, 24/7) 0800 543 354 (available • Lifeline: 24/7) (available 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) Helpline: Crisis • Suicide 633 0800 376 • Youthline: 24/7) 0800 543 754 (available • Kidsline: 11pm) to (1pm 0800 942 8787 • Whatsup: 24/7) 0800 111 757 (available helpline: • Depression The Report recommended an urgent funding increase for mental health mental health for funding increase an urgent recommended Report The has additional been some funding staffing mental health, for there Although I believe needed. urgently is system health mental our of review A thorough Demand on our mental health system across New Zealand is growing. There There growing. is Zealand New across system health mental our on Demand released was services on our mental health a significant report Recently called the People’s Mental Health Report. The Report drew on 500 personal personal 500 on drew Report The Report. Health Mental People’s the called facilities in mental health for need the illustrated that stories our pressure extreme the in showing our way communities. goes some It under. is system health mental of mental the independent oversight with of a body reinstatement services, urgent an had), Commission Health Mental former the (like system health services, of mental health and provision independentstructure inquiry the into mental health. around and a programme national education estimates analysis Independent sector. in healthcare need the growing with years. six past the over system health our of out stripped was $1.7 billion that then It’s no been funding surprise services. have should that That’s money sector. health the thisthat funding has had across impacts shortfall is workforce meeting demand.to mentalit health The does not close come and Auckland facilities in Wellington both Recently, under pressure. increasingly people couldn’t find trained they enough beds because close temporarily had to them. staff safely to and stock taken have we when Only issue. this address urgently to need we will It comprehensively. fix begin to system the we can laid out priorities underfunding. of years given surprises, too—no money require between difference the be can doesn’t that one and works that a service between matters. health Mental death. and life Helplines: 111. call risk, at is else someone or you like feel you and emergency an is it If Just about everyone I speak with knows someone who has had a mental health health a mental had has who someone knows with I speak everyone about Just who circle friend or family their in someone about a story have Many issue. this up—a backs recent need. Evidence get helpthey the to has struggled one that in a mental sixwith common adults is diagnosed showed survey lives. their in stage some at disorder health mental accessing people of number the in increase a 60% been has decade. past the over services - - - - - In a move likely to receive criticism criticism receive to likely In a move Nikki Kaye, who had a recent battle battle had a recent who Kaye, Nikki sands of new homes. homes. sands of new important country’s most the from unions, and NZEI education the PPTA, identified accom has already Kaye online learning modating private She priority. as a future providers We’ve changing. is world “The says, to school every almost connected and data uncapped fast-connection a learn from that leverage to need we that’ll So definitely ing perspective. a focus.” be ment’s efforts to build of thou to tens ment’s efforts a education, over takes cancer, with a Parata Hekia caused that portfolio as years, the over controversy of lot teachers’ with debates fierce faced she and pol standards new over unions be faced will immediately icies. Kaye plans to new government’s the with both change funding about for two- the of and schools replace thirds decile system. now be handled by Social Housing Social be Housing handled by now the Considering Adams. Amy Minister be a will significant crisis housing feel must English September, in issue comfortable with Adams becoming of govern the and face the leader - -
The reshuffle saw Nick Smith re Smith Nick saw reshuffle The That said, Brownlee’s long political long political said, Brownlee’s That Gerry Brownlee isn’t the most most the isn’t Brownlee Gerry
National by George Elliott George by house-building efforts, which will will house-building which efforts, moved from responsibilities regarding regarding responsibilities from moved and Land government’s the Crown seen as a bit rough around the edges. edges. the around as a bit rough seen world of foreign affairs, even if he’s he’s if even affairs, foreign of world “rat-like cunning”, as Rob Hosking Hosking Rob as cunning”, “rat-like the navigate to able be will it, put defence minister means he, with his his he, with means minister defence experience and the international andinternational the experience as made during hiscontacts tenure you took that attitude quite frankly.” frankly.” quite attitude that took you you’re frustrated, but I’m pissed off off pissed I’m but frustrated, you’re comments to a Kaikoura farmer after after farmer a Kaikoura to comments “Sorry earthquakes: recent more the Christchurch rebuild and his blunt and his blunt rebuild Christchurch ‘blunt but effective’. One remembers remembers One ‘blunt but effective’. the of handling Brownlee’s restraint, and patience. Even Bill Bill and Even patience. restraint, as Brownlee has described English tators often note his lack of finesse, his note lack of finesse, often tators diplomatic bunch of the and commen Affairs Minister. Affairs Education Minister; Gerry Brownlee Brownlee Gerry Minister; Education Foreign as McCully Murray replace will departure of two senior officials. Nikki officials. senior Nikki of two departure as Parata Hekia will replace Kaye a safe refresher for PM Bill English’s English’s Bill PM for refresher a safe the to response balanced team—a The reshuffle has been perceived as as has perceived been reshuffle The of this year’s general election. election. general of this year’s and Murray McCully depart ahead depart ahead McCully and Murray cabinet as ministers Hekia Parata Parata Hekia cabinet as ministers Last week saw a shake-up in in a shake-up saw Last week
Cabinet Reshuffle Foreign Affairs in Safe in Safe Affairs Foreign
Kaye Takes Education Education Takes Kaye & Brownlee Takes Takes & Brownlee 16 Sports
1 Matthew Bell (Domestic Average: 35.93, International: 24.30) Just like your standard Bell innings, I’ll keep this Folkloric Heroes: short and ugly. He started in 1994 the way he meant to continue – dismissed hitting his own wicket, and went on in that fashion for three seasons before making his first century. He stayed true to form by NZ Cricket’s missing his intended test debut in India 1998 (says a lot that he was in the team this soon, we’ve had some pretty shit openers) with a classic dose of Delhi belly - such a battler thing to have happen. All-Time Long story short, he was in and out of the team for the next couple of the years before returning briefly Battlers XI in 2007 and being terrible again.
2 Michael Papps (38.01, 16.40) No matter how many runs he scores, Papps is destined to be remembered for being the dude who Brett ‘Binga’ Lee clocked on the scone twice in two overs. After a battling 86 in his debut test Kane Williamson. Martin Crowe. Richard Hadlee. Ross Taylor. innings against South Africa, Papps broke his fin- These are but a few of the names that have been carved into ger, the first in a long line of injuries. The wee fella national cricket history as heroes for the right reasons. got another chance against South Africa in 2006, Unfortunately, in a nation of roughly 4.5 million people, and with and just like a true battler threw it away to keep a professional cricket population of about 100, you’re bound to bullying domestic attacks, becoming the first ever have some real battlers throughout your brief history. By god man to 10,000 Plunket Shield runs this season. have we had our fair share, and this is truly exemplified by the fact that I find it significantly more difficult to put together this XI than I would an all-time XI (Turner, Sutcliffe, Williamson, Crowe, Taylor, McCullum, Cairns, Hadlee, Vettori, Bond, Boult for anyone wondering). 3 Craig Cumming (38.25, 25.94 To provide some clarification for readers, a ‘battler’ is a well-es- somehow) tablished Kiwi and Aussie slang term for that classic mate we all Look, I know he’s an opener, but quite frankly this have who means well but just always manages to fuck things whole team could be made up of them. Just like Bell, up and look like a real muppet. If you can’t figure out who it is Cumming took a while to see the black cap. Starting among your friends, then, bad news, it’s you. his career in 1995, he didn’t don the fern until 2004 Without further ado, I present to you our folklore heroes. To while on tour in Australia. Cumming gave a glimpse qualify, they must have played at least one test for NZ (quite a of what was to come with his struggle to 74 on debut, few didn’t get a further roll of the arm). and it only got worse from there. Years on, he finally got another chance against South Africa, and copped a shot to the jaw from South African speed- by Charlie Hantler ster Dale Steyn. Just a shame it didn’t stop him commentating. Issue 09 | MAY 2017 17 Sports Domestic Bowling Bowling Domestic 120, 31.88) 8 27.26, 62.88) 43.15, 46.52 – honestly, 43.15, 46.52 – honestly, Andy McKay ( Brent Arnel ( Mark Craig ( why he was selected) hard to see Brooke Walker ( Walker Brooke Average: 32.46, International: 79.80) 32.46, International: Average: xI 8-188 on test debut in Jamaica, when Patel and and Patel when Jamaica, in debut test 8-188 on as known became he unavailable, were Vettori Australia, tour ever to spinner worst the arguably spot his lost he there From overs. 71 in 8-513 taking and Santner, has had Mitchell ato back injury ever Caps. Black the carrying not from since. Definitely We all knew the ‘pie man’ was going to show up up show to going was man’ ‘pie the knew all We taking After scene. international the on unlike here, Once kicked out of junior cricket at the age of ten at agethe out of of ten junior kicked cricket Once this of threat no was there fast, too bowling for time madehappening the it the Arnel on by to batsmen In fact, opposition scene. the international be To out. kicked he were a tear shed have would in his back fracture a double stress fair Brent, to three for crease bowling the him from removing 120km/h His this. in part a major played years of keen the long in memory the will live skidders fan. cricket to men two the of worst the definitely is ‘Beaver’ a this nickname in circles; nationalcarry sporting McKay Walker, to Similarly that. at second distant let’s so fast chuck ‘he bowl can classic your was being able Caps, Black the him for in’ selection only man The 140 clicks. at bowl consistently to and him of a combination but test, one the played the Like ignore. to deadly too simply was Arnel for hope a great presented McKay him, before ten battlers, all like but pace), express his (with NZ on. kicked never One-half of this team’s unbelievably dangerous dangerous unbelievably team’s this of One-half got-to-have-a- classic your was Walker duo, spin Unfortunately, beneficiary. inleggie team the behind country’s the stuck himself found Brooke only and Vettori, Daniel all-time, of spinner greatest new filming was Dan-the-man when a look-in got orsub-continental the commercials Specsavers Sodhi, Ish pressure, No backup. for called pitches ever greatest country’s the probably is man this but leg-spinner… 10 9 39.61, 21.31) 29.36, 22.93) 1000 social media 1000 social media 39.88, 25.44 ) 39.88, Jimmy Neesham ( Jimmy Neesham posts, nowhere near as many runs) near posts, nowhere Kruger Van Wyk ( Kruger Blair Pocock ( Peter Fulton ( Fulton Peter 5 4 One of the many to recently come over from South South from over come recently to many the of One won’t Kruger cricket, chasing international Africa of likes the as light same the in remembered be McCullum Brendon Once and Watling. Elliott, Wagner anymore, play to hedecided couldn’t be bothered a long line of wicket through went Caps Black the of and title this man has honourable the keepers, With bunch. a terrible of worst the being probably to power the have doesn’t who a man of look the cricket tip-and-run on thrived Wyk Van a six, hit as plays and now career, his domestic throughout Districts. Central for captain a specialist ball to the boundary before turning to Waugh to to Waugh to turning before boundary the to ball that had you too, you I remember yeah, “oh saw, and went you then old girlfriend…and fucking ugly dumb her cunt.” you married persisted. The highlight of his career was sledging sledging was highlight of his The career persisted. at looking completely Waugh; Mark great Aussie and said at Pocock pointed Waugh at crease, the sea a Australia toured You you. I remember yeah, “Oh Blair too”. then shit were You ago. years of couple next the dispatching this, of a bar having wasn’t Again, I know he’s another opener, but delivering he’s I Again, know opener, another but delivering than more is all-time of sledges greatest the of one making After here. his at cement spot five to enough of lethal attack his Australia’s debut against etching 1993 and in Warne and McGrath, McDermott, the 28, and 34 of combo battling genuinely a out and mantra clear their to true stayed selectors Look, at this point I’m really not sure I need I need sure not I’m really point this at Look, can We Peter.’ ‘two-metre about much say to Sporadically laugh. and back sit just probably 2004 and between team test the of in-and-out anyone convince to much did never 2010, Fulton a ton scored he when 2013, until shit wasn’t he from encore The Park. Eden at innings both in up 18 remaining his in 50 thrice pass to was Fulton and Indies innings, of West might the the against even and thin wore joke the before Bangladesh, to long enough laughing for stopped selectors the squad. the him from exclude Stats are irrelevant; I just don’t like you James. James. you like don’t I just irrelevant; are Stats 7 six
Issue 09 | MAY 2017 - - Lowe isn’t sure why this is, he says, “it’s “it’s says, he is, this why sure isn’t Lowe young affect that andGlobal local worries are steadily increasing in New Zealand. Zealand. New in increasing steadily are and studying things people are one of those be- He answer.” definitive the got one’s no and more feeling are people young lieves of a number for society our in pressure more ten way same the in exist didn’t that reasons did recently he says Lowe ago. years fifteen of He 14-year-olds. of group a with workshop a known have 14, I wouldn’t I was “when says 14-year-olds Now politics. American about on impact his and Trump about worrying are Trump day the training was Lowe world.” the who there a girl was and there got elected, workshop. the stop to had they upset so was that worried They’re Zealand. New in “We’re are people Young out.” break to going is WWIII - warm global TPPA, the about worried also The issues. environmental and pollution, ing, is start disorders eating with boys of number to have they think all “They girls. match to ing think They a six-pack. have and muscular be fat, there’s if so abs, their see to need they - wom and Girls wrong.” something there’s - lon a lot for pressure same this felt have en things these accentuate “We says Lowe ger. much putting so are media. the We through hav but we now, people on young pressure building it en’twith resilience matched their well-being.” and sources also course, of are, directly people job no with university to go People stress. of - ze and short-term on working guarantee, When shambles. a just “It’s contracts. ro-hour - - “That’s working – the destigmatising of the destigmatising – “That’sworking The growing need for Youthline Otago’s Otago’s Youthline for need growing The garding suicide risk, self harming behaviours, behaviours, harming self risk, suicide garding stuff.” of sort that depression, issues, health mental sexualities,] [different – but it is etc. a violence, positive domestic like services using they’re that mean does others, and Refuge Woman’s Crisis, Rape ours, are numbers our except good, also is which cope to have we and roof the through going in reach people increase that.” the with But in rise a reflects also services these to out ing a is says Lowe which issues, health mental and Presentations phenomenon. worldwide diagnosis of anxiety and disorder depression of national the a helpline, is to so important people. of number massive ominous, seem but it could be may services Lowe a is our sign that improving. society - destig to on going work of a lot “there’s says - educa of lot a There’s health. mental matise realising are people more means This tion.” help and out for that reach to need they that more becoming are People that. do to ok it’s assuch people groups, of minority accepting and gender identities sexualities.of minority comfortable more feeling are people Younger need they feel things if they these discussing says, Lowe Still, them. hiding than rather to, gay, are you thinking are you if easy, not “It’s young says He transgender.” or lesbian, or understand to support seeking people are they if out” “come to how and are, they who groups with statistics the know “We to. need re stats –people horrific transgender like - - - -
However, just because things are tight, it it tight, are things because just However, He says: “There’s so much happening in the the in happening much so “There’s says: He physical – mentalformation, years teenage It’s stuff. of sort that all change, social change, ado with get can involved you a time where change.” adults and and effect young lescents Otago Youthline cause, a worthy such For “I liken granted. for funding its take can’t – There’s a on treadmill being to fundraising Lowe. says going,” keep to have you end, no on ran organisation entire the year Last has Brian year, This $90 thousand. around $100 up get that to managedto but thousand, Around work. hard of masses through only the from is funding Youthline’s of a quarter currently It of SocialDevelopment. Ministry says, Lowe and year, by year renewed gets going we are of period this always “there’s works he people The not?” we are or it, get to sup strongly are government the from with they but does, Youthline work the of portive Govern around. work to constraints have change. and spending focuses ment priorities fundraising from comes money the of rest The he handles says and Lowe donations, which manager. the as own, his on mostly go people young of needs the mean doesn’t the “finding they’re says Lowe fact, In away. Otago’s Youthline for demand The opposite.” each 10 percent around by up goes services It’s skyrocketing. been has need “The year. organisations.” non-profit the all for same the were 15,000 people around ago, years A few it ex year Last nationally. using service the 20 percent is Otago 26,000. Youthline ceeded Youthline focuses on supporting young people between focuses on supporting Youthline Otago is the Youthline 26. Brian Lowe the ages of 13 and the only administration person are He and one manager. employed full time. are members, neither of which staff his university days and has al- since Lowe has volunteered helping this age group. ways been drawn to
An interview with Brian Lowe at Youthline Otago. By Lucy Hunter. Otago. Lowe at Youthline with Brian An interview There’s always someone to talk to to talk someone always There’s I was young, I was virtually guaranteed a job. life, “we’re throwing a lot of that out the win- A few years There is not one high school kid now who is dow. We’ve got a generation who understand guaranteed a job or even knows what that job they’re part of a global society, but they don’t ago, around might look like. The world has changed.” know which local community they belong to So much of what we hear about the young- anymore and how they fit and belong within 15,000 people er generation is that they don’t care about that community.” anything, they’re selfish and self-obsessed. At university, young people face a new set were using This is at odds with Lowe’s stories about of challenges that the Youthline Helpline ser- young people being very worried about vice hears a lot about. This year, for the first the service global concerns, social, and environmental time, Youthline Otago did a half-day’s train- issues. “They’re being made to care about ing at Cumberland and Aquinus colleges to nationally. these international and local problems that, help the RAs support people with mental dis- when you’re 14, you can’t do a lot to change.” tress, typically anxiety and depression. Lowe Last year it Lowe believes our younger generation is says that typically the RAs don’t know what the most socially aware generation that has to do because they’re not at all trained to deal ever existed. But while it’s great that they’re with people with mental illness. The pilot exceeded worried about the planet and its people, their training sessions covered what to do if a stu- compassion could be making them unhappy. dent is struggling with mental distress or ill- 26,000. The generation gap shows in the respons- ness: “how to address it, how to destigmatise es from older people to the problems of the it, how to support people, and how far you can young. “You get comments like ‘They just go before you need to reach out for help.” They need to harden up’, ‘When I was a kid, we just covered depression, anxiety, and suicide risk. had to suck it and put up with it’ and ‘What’s a Lowe gave an example of someone Youth- bit of bullying?’ Actually, it’s not that simple.” line had supported who had moved into a Other things Lowe says older people have college but didn’t have any close friends. trouble getting their heads around include is- They decided to be openly gay, and rather sues of sexual identity and gender, and body than supporting them, the people around image. “You talk about eating disorders and them made their life hell. They were bullied they say ‘we were taught to eat what was on on social media and in the college, and phys- our plate’. It’s not that simple, I’m afraid. It ically assaulted. “Where does a person like isn’t going to work, in fact we know it doesn’t this go? They don’t know anyone, they’re in work.” These people have fundamental is- a new town, at a new uni, they’re struggling sues around who they are and their self- with their own sexual identity and have worth, and it comes out as an eating disorder. been brave enough to come out with it, and We have to look at the causes. the reaction has been appalling, to the point A lot of these new worries are influenced where people they don’t even know are hav- by social media, which Lowe thinks has both ing a go at them, because of course it’s going positive and negative effects on the wellbe- round the halls.” They called the helpline and ing of youth. “The bullying that can take place the volunteer there gave them support, af- through social media is horrific.” He says the firmed what they’d done, and referred them trend of people making their lives look bet- to people who would be positive about them ter than they are makes users feel insecure, and their experience. A lot of people think but there is also a new trend where young reporting that behaviour to the authorities people disclose more negative stuff online will make it worse, “because you’ll be a nark. too. “That doesn’t help either. It also triggers But it’s not ok. Everyone has to stand up for people who are in that same state.” Lowe it. Who do you know who is supportive? Can says that there is a whole generation of peo- you identify people who are standing up for ple sleeping with their smartphones under you? Can you seek their support, get them to their pillows so they don’t miss a text. “So I’d help you out?” add that we also have a sleep deprived gen- The Youthline Helpline aids students eration.” When it comes to the basic elements working through stress and other issues. of human wellbeing – sleeping well, eating Many times this enables them to stay in their well, exercising, and building a healthy social studies and their work, and can build on their Issue 09 | MAY 2017 - - Lowe says that with the right support support right the with that says Lowe Youthline collaboration, new Inan exciting here because they’ve used their sessions sessions their used they’ve because here They’re long. too is time waiting the or up I them. after look to need you students; your with up caught really hasn’t system the think we a reality there’s I think generation. this understand.” don’t incredi people are approach, and right the optimistic and mostly are They resilient. bly themselves for best the want hopeful; they - depress “The whanau. and family their and be ing bit is – funding constantly the issue money, raise to having treadmill, this ing on a is It there. is need the that prove to having tail my chasing I’m money. of amount tiny - sup helping We’re up. it keep to week every lives people’s saving we’re and people port and that. things like interventions through would people why to justify have we Then fundcontinue to us. It’s frustrating.” Services Support Student andOtago OUSA for space a counselling up set to looking are who those support to students university Support Student OUSA approach to choose enhance would This assistance. for Services with work to ability Services’ Support OUSA students option for another and give students the enhancing thus from, choose to able be to - ap around’ ‘wrap better a provide to ability hope organisations clients. Both for proach next the in running and up this have to weeks. few - - - - Lowe believes our believes Lowe generation younger socially is the most that generation aware existed. has ever The Youthline Helpline often refers people refers YouthlineHelplineoften The and over back over people come Some Student the on a submission in put Lowe sions for students, but after that your coun your that but after students, sions for you. for sessions extra for apply to has sellor get to traumatised really be to got “You’ve you’re if go you do where So ACC. to access sessions, your up used you’ve and depressed These hour? an $100 afford can’t you and anxious. or depressed mildly not are people So I problems. real having are people These a situation, funding I think or capacity from people.” young failing we’re think to needs their to according agencies other to doctors, example, for support, get appropriate Cri counselling, Rape Support, Queer OUSA planning, family services, health mental sis, including police,the supports, and family and siblings. Helpline the Sometimes parents client a person first be will the counsellors problems. their them tell and to talk will they depression, has someone if “Say again. a year over for service our using be could that get past to enough strong until they’re they’re distressed, are people When period. to talk to someone Having lonely. really often Youthline progress.” to step first a big be can confidentiala andnon-judg offers Helpline - some want just people some space; mental them. to listen to one president OUSA to year last review Health - work not it’s that believed “We Harris. Laura coming students gotwe’ve – ing effectively services when they otherwise couldn’t afford afford couldn’t otherwise they when services funds six ses counselling Health it. Student - - Youthline Otago also offers counselling also offers Otago Youthline Youthline Otago runs training sessions sessions training runs Otago Youthline wait bepeople picturing you may Though and psychotherapy services to young people. young to services andpsychotherapy gives It year. a sessions 500 do about They such find to ability the olds 18-26 year the ing by a phone on the wall, the most common common most the wall, the on a phone by ing text by is Otago Youthline to contact of form on the is well messenger Instant message. phone by followed two, number being to way someone’s and email. hearing I had assumed but service, the of part a big be would voice of generation whole a “There’s says Brian us, ringing of think never would who people wouldn’t they ring, did they if fact, in and, kept are trainees The say.” to what know up turn sometimes volunteers “New busy. through get they think I don’t but a book, with of it.” chapters many too twice a year for new volunteers. The training training The volunteers. new for a year twice “We’ve intense. is and days eight for goes - with to able are people sure make to got re sufficient andhave pressure the stand own resilience and wellbeing. For example, example, For wellbeing. and resilience own expectations with here come “Some students get We them. on impose parents their that but be to doctors, supposed are who students pressure The grades. the getting not they’re go has to who person on puts athat young I’m grades, the getting ‘I’m not say and home come people Many know.” you – a write-off’ anyone. know don’t and university to our clients.” support Volunteers to silience in time their at stories distressing hear can Otago. Youthline 22
by Louise Lin stare entranced at the rows Here, the water is getting ‘floc- bottom to the top. Yes; I can see the sewers. Well, better out than in. I of water tanks. The surface of culated’, a process that gets rid of scrapers, they’re pretty intense. found the process faintly unnerv- Ithe water is brown and shiny the dissolved organics naturally Chain links the size of my fist. Is ing, things turning off and on with- – bubblebath coated in Gladwrap. found in stream water that makes that rust making them red-brown, out warning. Greg later showed me This is where our drinking water it pale yellow. By mixing in alu- or dried floc? The scrapers are the how everything was controlled by comes from. Right beneath my minium sulfate (“alum” in water length of a table, spaced out at reg- computers – a few letters in the feet the alchemical transformation treatment shorthand), the organics ular intervals across the chain loop keyboard would shut the whole from ‘stream water’ to ‘tap water’ un-dissolve and clump together like an industrial steampunk Ferris plant down. is taking place. Mt Grand Water into little particles called flocs. Air wheel. The scrapers are moving. I Treatment Centre, the main source bubbles bring the flocs to the sur- hadn’t noticed at first. Agonising- Our drinking water is collected of Dunedin’s water supply. face, where giant scrapers scrape ly slow. Like the minute hand of a from Deep Creek and Deep Stream. them away. clock. You really gotta focus. Globs The water comes through these The room of flocculation tanks of floc cling to the scraper. Slowly, super long pipes that connect from is a big building, a four-car ga- Flocculation is a complicated pro- slowly the scraper slides closer Central Otago to Dunedin, mostly rage at least. Tanks full of water cess. It’s affected by different pH to the edge of the tank. Finally it underground. The pipes weren’t line the room from one end to the levels and the water itself is con- happens. Sploosh! Floc cascades as fat as I was expecting. Maybe other. We are standing on a metal stantly changing. Greg is patiently over the edge, startling in its mo- 30cm in diameter, which is decent, mesh walkway above the tanks. A explaining it to me. Science. pH. mentum. Concentrated, it looks but this is all of Dunedin we’re once-yellow plastic duck catches Chemicals. I am mostly looking less like brown bubbles and more keeping hydrated here. my eye, bobbing on its side in one round in fascination, distracted by like thin mud, or runny diarrhea. of the early tanks. Small monitors, the strange environment. Half- Funny how all waste products look Mt Grand is ugly-beautiful. Clearly glowing yellow-green, blink num- way down the room, the water in kinda the same. It’s thinning out it has been built for utility – no one bers at us with mechanical reas- the tanks looks abruptly different: now, looks more like dirty water. has bothered to decorate for those surance. The water is murky. The milky-white, not dark. This must Swish – a giant showerhead turns nosy Critic writers. The walls of the air smells of algae. be the air, bubbling the floc at the on, washing the floc out to the office building are off-white, black Issue 09 | MAY 2017 23 - - Feature with this stuff. I know what it looks looks it what know I stuff. this with Duh. like. it lives our in present so is Water - a sec Take invisible. become has pipes imagineond to all water the ourstreets, runningunderneath of pipesin and complex networks There tanks. holding and pumps res bus stops, behind pumps are town Our parks. our in ervoirs a beautiful council is operating of complex invisiblely system keeps all it And stream-to-tap. flowing. - mactic. What was Imactic.expecting? What I was with interact I water. - it’s realise I day. every water town treated brekkie, my cook teeth, my brush showers my take and loo, the flush The treatment plant was a maze ofwas a maze plant The treatment and tanks and doors side different the learn to trying I stopped stairs. a content while, after geography mysterious to room from led be to tank. mysterious to tank room, and CO2 with dosed is water Our - pH, chlo the out balance to lime for fluoride and germs, kill to rine The whatever. or teeth healthy are tanks lime the around floors lime. spilled with white splashed finished the see to I get Finally more Climb I’m excited. product. We’re drizzle. more through stairs, lifts Greg sort. some of a rooftop on It in. peer I tank. the of hatch the a Smells Clear. water. like looks.... anticli bit of chlorine. It’s rather - hind them, water. This is the un- the is This water. them, hind tanks of water the view derground air of A jet earlier. viewing I was a nozzle out from stream bubbles curling and wisping smoke, like air the are These dissipating. and water the turned that bubbles the out points Greg white. milky dust like looks It particles. floc little floating.It’smotes fascinating; porthole/window another through being floc of layer the see can we - Un bubbles. air the by up carried is empty. water the derneath, see much else. I ask Graham what what Graham I ask else. much see Sticks, catch. mostly filters these birds. dead fish, dead leaves, – corridor a down me takes Greg concrete. solid ceiling walls, floor, the around wire pipes orange Thin are There sci-fi. Industrial walls. windows porthole-esque round The this room. throughout dotted age. with Be cloudy are windows - I follow Greg up dizzying flights of flights dizzying up Greg I follow check out the to metal stairs mesh it’s and drizzly It’s filters. of lot first because a little I stumble and cold one in notes take to I’m trying so climbing we are “Why hand. pipes the out Turns I ask. high?” filters first the so gravity, by fed are Makes up. ones highest the are Finally it. about I think now sense, out gushes Water top. the at we’re I can’t waterfall. a mini pipe, the of dirt spiderwebbing indirt the spiderwebbing cor jolting it’s a office the Inside ners. glass, shiny clean change, austere I’m walls. bare carpet, vacuumed briefing. safety for a office the in see can I window office the From light concrete, It’s tank. a water age, with dark gone darker grey like side the over running rivulets a cacophony mascara, tearstained in beautiful aesthetics, of different dissonance. its
25 26 Feature 27
Donald Trump’s ascension from business tycoon and re- ality TV star to President of the United States of America No has been, to put it mildly, fucking scary. Throughout the gross and depraved spectacle that was his campaign he stuck to certain narratives that ultimately helped to make that campaign successful. One of these was that the media, and journalists in particular, are “disgusting” and “dishon- est”. This distrust in the wholesale dissemination of news Infor through traditional and recognised channels is the foun- dation of Kellyanne Conway’s now infamous “alternative facts” jibe, as the Trump campaign and administration attempts to refocus the public’s gaze on their alternative versions of the truth. No matter what Trump or his cronies tell you, though, journalism is a pivotal profession wheth- mation er you’re in Washington or Wellington or everywhere in between. You may or may not have noticed, but news media is struggling, big time. Traditional journalism has been declining for years with newspapers facing some of the lowest sales figures in their history. In the United Kingdom, Beyond traditionally a thriving market for newspapers, total daily newspaper sales fell in 2014 by an astonishing 7.6 percent, equating to approximately half a million fewer papers sold. This is not an anomaly; in fact, 2014 had a relatively small decline. In 2013, five national papers saw annual declines of over ten percent, with The Independent falling by as much the as 35 percent, causing it to move to an online only version in March 2016. Closer to home, the four largest daily New Zealand newspapers (The Dominion Post, NZ Herald, Otago Daily Times and The Press) were circulating 9 percent fewer newspapers in 2016 than 2015. For industries dependent on advertising revenue, fall- Head ing sales comes with falling revenue, and thus the industry has to change and adapt. Unfortunately, instead of positive adaptation, many have attempted to appeal to the lowest common denominator in a desperate attempt to improve their sales figures and remain afloat. A lot have sacrificed their integrity for clicks, and in the process have sold their line: soul to the journalistic devil. Others have remained reso- lute in continuing to provide the same standard of content Issue 09 | MAY 2017 as they always have, not kowtowing to this new sector of news media, but are having to find innovative ways of ap- pealing to people. The Guardian Newspaper’s editor from 1995-2014, Alan Rusbridger, faced profound problems with the de- cline in news media and spoke openly about them. Before Journalism’s he resigned, he said that “something alarming has been happening in recent months and all our eyes ought to be on the West Coast giants — especially, but not only, Face- Existential book — that are cleaning up quite extraordinarily.” News provided through Facebook is algorithmically selected for Crisis by Joe Higham 28 Feature
include the fact that 62 percent of Americans use social Make sure your media for news, a figure that increases to 84 percent for 18-24 years olds, it becomes a whole lot more worrying. news is credible, Online ‘clickbait’ news has wedged its foot in door. Their information makes tabloid newspapers look like War and Peace. This change is not simply a shift from one’s preferred and not a bucket newspaper to the online version; clickbait is taking over, and their readers’ brains are turning to mush. of faeces thrown As one of the co-editors of a magazine that targets the age range where the consumption of this information is at its peak, I feel I could be doing a better job at bridging that at a computer gap and peaking the interest of that group, but competing with click-bait articles is not easy, even for well-estab- screen and called lished media outlets. Click-bait news sites like Buzzfeed and Upworthy seek not to increase their readership, but journalism. rather their viewership. They don’t pride themselves on the veracity of their content (unless there are legal impli- cations), but rather the amount of traffic through their site, because of the potential profit that can be gained from ad- vertising revenue. Using age-old journalistic techniques, like sensationalist headlines, they hook you in with bull- shit information, only to present you with content that scaremongers you into giving a shit, when in reality the you using a vast amount of data you’ve directly provided information is either poorly researched or provides only to them, which is convenient, but simply entrenches your half the story. viewpoint, as you only see articles they know you’re al- Due to content increasingly being accessed through ready inclined to read. social media, regular readers of clickbait frequently don’t It’s true that journalism has and always will be a look further than the headline, because, if they wanted to changing field. Relatively recently the broadsheet (larg- read news, they would just use actual news sites. Having er-sized newspapers who provide more intellectual con- this type of news on social media does one of two things: tent) and tabloid (smaller-sized papers who focus on sen- firstly, users see the headline and form their opinions sationalised stories and celebrity gossip) distinction was based solely on that because they don’t want to be sent to a unheard of, and when tabloid journalism - especially in third-party website, or secondly, and only marginally bet- the United Kingdom - arose and later flourished it brought ter, they click on it and read the information. There is noth- with it disdain from traditional broadsheet readers, who ing to be gained from reading, or even seeing the headline didn’t wish to see the newspaper business descend into an of, their content. It contributes nothing to your life except orgy of illegality, misogyny, and sensationalism. However, wasted time and regret. I am not saying this to get you to clickbait journalism is a more monumental change than read Critic – ultimately read whatever news you want - but the introduction and development of tabloid newspapers, make sure it is credible, and not a bucket of faeces thrown as it presents an existential challenge to journalism itself. at a computer screen and called journalism. As the accessibility of news through social media ramps If you were to click on the article you would be taken up, the only people who will lose out are the public. Accord- to a site like Buzzfeed or Upworthy, who have website lay- ing to Pew Research, twenty years ago only 12 percent of outs that look like a ten year old kid with ADHD was told US adults got their news online; now, that figure stands at to just “be quiet and draw on the paper.” Clickbait sites an astonishing 81 percent. That may not be shocking due prey on your concentration by splattering the screen with to the growth of the internet in those twenty years, but it a wide array of articles and pictures to keep you hooked to highlights the changing face of how people get their in- the site. The more intriguing headlines in view mean the formation. That is not scary on the face of it, but when you more likely the reader will click again, and thus the more Issue 09 | MAY 2017 29 I wasn’t I wasn’t I knew sure flavour the I cookie of until prefer Buzzfeed thankfully fucking me. told - - - Clickbait headlines are ultimately false; they imply that that imply false; they ultimately are headlines Clickbait youeither will leave thisof content The consumption - (ad month per USD$100 writers their paying begun cently editor I than made but as still less news freelance, mittedly every for USD$5 with along sake) god’s for Critic at year last more used being is practice This stories. their on 500 clicks - indus service the in unlike and industry, the in more and - stan the increase to well work can commission where try, increase only predictably will it journalism in work, of dard and make and facetiousness, fatuousness sensationalism, of at expense the articles and more more create journalists and accountability. accuracy much needed - real in when way, material some in true is information the on websites these use do you If factual. partially only it’s ity to lead will it affairs, current of grasp a gain to basis daily a of national, global, understanding and confused a warped are events global important When affairs. current local and In Shopping Dead as such “Ten headlines with mistreated infer confidently can you [sic], Mall” Shopping Munich At not particularly are itself and outlet author the the that it’s because subject, the of seriousness the with bothered have to easy so something yet mistake, a glaring such this with Couple corrected. or subsequently done correctly stories and next factthe this around to is article positioned You Leave Still That’ll Moments Creek’ “17 ‘Dawson’s as such Rather You Would “Which Cookies Wrecked”, Emotionally and Pools”, In Off Cooling Animals “19 Delightful and Eat?” to disservice a does that website a on article an have you myself restrain did I honest, be I’ll intellect. reader’s the I sure I wasn’t clicking because article cookie on the from - thankful Buzzfeed until prefer I cookie of flavour the knew media forms as traditional me. seriously, fucking But told ly their keep to decade last the over been struggling have have sites clickbait amid falling expenditure same profits, plan. this business outcame new with of leftfield informed more no or affairs) current about it’s (if shocked and cookies about it’s (if it reading before were you than of fearful reader the leaves simply It Creek). Dawson’s of people. A fear ideologies, and places, groups events, read you articles more The misplaced. whole, the on is, that opinions stick begin to these more the sites, these from or political ide in conversations themselves and manifest to have you eventuality, this prevent to want you If ology. consumption. news your (non-clickbait) to sites add more af current of understanding a better you give will so Doing Dawson’s to comes it when dark the in you leave but fairs, decide. you trivia; Creek money the site makes. Slant, an Slant, online makes. site magazine, the has re money 30 Culture
Music Provisionally Listed: ‘Morningside’ (specifically ‘Friends’) by Fazerdaze
review by Reg Norris
Never judge an album by your laptop speakers.
And NO I’m not talking about digital vs. analogue or the fucking original, the intended thing, is lost, occasionally replaced by warm sound your petroleum based non-renewable vinyl records something that is extraordinary. Most music is pretty ordinary make. But let’s have a quick chat about that before we begin. and can pass through all these filters still smelling like evapo- Once upon a time, and by time I mean ten years, not even half rating cat piss in decaying carpet. a generation ago, you could swing by your local record store on the way home from uni and buy a good condition used record Something happened. that you actually wanted for about fifteen bux. I was on the dole and could buy up to my heart’s content and still have enough In the last twelve months there have been some really great money to barely eat and almost pay rent. How times have songs, not just good, but strikingly memorable songs released changed. They’re fucking pricey now. Even with the not so shitty by local artists. Here they are, the best ones, sing along if you pay from my shitty job I have to budget for these kinds of pur- know the words. chases and compromise. Fortunately, because of the skyrock- ‘Sink’ by Street Chant. eting price of hard copy music, what I wanted last week is usually ‘Play it as it Lays’ by Astro Children on the shelf the next, but something else would be there to take ‘You’re a Stranger to Me Now’ by IE Crazy (new album out on its place by then so you have to CHOOSE. MUZAI now) Let’s get one thing straight. I still encourage you all to buy records, CDs, music boxes, whatever your poison is. Dunedin Top songs, all of them best served live. I want to add a song to only has a few record stores left and only one of them has an this list. Conditionally. Let’s review. acceptable range of new music. Support them. Forgo your rent by helping them pay theirs. It is not all about you. Fuck you and Fazerdaze. Yes, Fazerdaze. New album, well I guess debut, your limited subscription tip of the iceberg Spotifuck playlist. If ‘Morningside’ is out on Flying Nun, or will be by the time this I hear you sprucing Spotifuck’s benefits of “having everything issue of Critic is in your bathroom/toilet. I really wanted to go I want to listen to” I will inject liquid cement into even the most into this one with an open mind. The last radio single thing ‘Reel’ remote passages of your ear canals. from the first EP released in 2014 really bothered me. Why? Anyway, the internet. It’s useful. We love it. Yawn. Everything Because reminded me of the Smashing Pumpkins song ‘1979’. I’m sent to review comes into my inbox packaged in tiny little I loved this band. Seriously. I knew all the songs. I had my mum em pee three files. Which is fine. I can download them. I do. They embroid over my permanent penned science class project love take up valuable space on my hard drive. Hell, I even transfer heart logo on my too baggy discount denim jeans. I was sixteen. those files to my personal listening device so that material is I was in a Smashing Pumpkins cover band. Awful! Now their readily available and shittily reproducible in every space in my music, and other music that sounds like their music, makes me life. The house, the car, my work place. There it is: MY LIFE. Yawn. nauseous. I still see the occasional t-shirt. I am your gagging But what are YOU hearing? With access to all these different future self. Inspired by ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’ you now means of reproduction the very essence of a recording can be own a domesticated pet rat. That is a joke. I am old. But I’ve mysteriously transformed to a point where the reference, the seen it happen. Culture 31
I started listening to ‘Morningside’ through my lil inbuilt is called ‘Friends’, it’s got this cheeky rubber band intro and a phone speaker. What I heard was lightweight mechanised pop great verse vocal melody, I can hear the words, it’s an apology with a distinct home-made flavour. Simplicity is the point here. and I’m a sucker for a good apology song. Then, out of nowhere, The electronic drum beats punch in and out economically and this unexpected crushing electric chorus bursts forth and I’m when the guitar’s not in chordsville it plucks out a ‘Disintegration’ out of my chair and pacing again and thinking about the other Issue 09 | MAY 2017 era Cure counter melody over the keys. It’s a climbing frame to great songs I mentioned earlier and so surprised and grateful, hang the vocal melodies on, all of which are buried in a tomb the song it reminds me of comes out of its cave and it’s ‘I Wanna of reverb. It sets up a great contrast with the dryness of the Be Adored’ by the Stone Roses, and I loved that song and I still instruments but it really comes at the expense of the lyrics, like it and I don’t feel like being sick. It’s dynamic. It’s great. It’s which, once you extract them from this digitised quick sand, the rewarding oddity on ‘Morningside’. are really believable confessional character studies. Something’s Then I listen to it on my home stereo and I’m confused. working here. I’ve been humming bits and pieces from ‘Jennifer’ Something is wrong. It’s the bass frequencies. They’re present. and ‘Take it Slow’ for the last few days. But it’s all a bit elevator. I didn’t expect them to be there. I don’t want them to be there. Except for one song. Kinda. It changes the entire character of the song. I sit back down. I’m listening to these songs, they’re starting to blur into one I play it back on my cell phone and it all comes back another, then suddenly this familiar vocal melody spits out of together. the phone. I start pacing around, confused, my memory isn’t ‘Friends’. It’s a great song. quite as good as it used to be, but I need to remember. This song Provided you listen to it on cheap speakers. 32 Culture Books
Swing Time by Zadie Smith
she deals with culture shock, new friends, and a stressful pop-star for a boss, while memories of her friendship with Tracey come back to haunt her. It is a long but comfortable read, set out care- fully and told with brutal honesty. At first I found the narrator distant and naive, perhaps a bit too detached. The depiction of the pop star persona of the character Aimee, who employs the narrator, is familiar and irritating, from a distance I could see all my favourite pop singers presented in this one character. Smith calls attention to the colossal amount of bullshit that these stars churn out, jump- ing from issue to issue, vapid and vague, detached from everyone else; the contrast between Aimee and Africa is disturbing. While Aimee does things only for herself, review by Jessica Thompson Carr for a while I thought the narrator just as bad, if not worse, because she seemed merely to follow After being touted by several friends as one of the the rules, obeying constantly without question. She best writers alive today, I finally decided to pick appears vulnerable and petty at times, which both- up Zadie Smith’s Swing Time. She’s an incredibly ered me for a while, until the end, when she makes accomplished writer, having won numerous awards one firm decision and finally chooses a path. for her five published novels, including the Orange This book makes you reminisce about that Prize for Fiction, the Commonwealth Writers’ Best best friend you swore you’d always keep, but Book award, and the Ainsfield-Wolf Book award. alas was doomed to drift apart from. It will make This novel can’t help but attract people from you consider why your parents do what they do; the get-go. Behind a bright yellow cover it tells the who they are as people rather than as role models. story of an unnamed protagonist and her childhood I hung on to every sensitive word until the best friend Tracey, who are both of mixed race. very end, the story returning eventually to the Following their passion for tap dancing, the girls act of dancing. Swing Time comments on a million grow up in the eighties in a rough side of London, things: race, celebrity culture, girlhood, friendship, and form a strong relationship through family motherhood, passion, death, and identity. It left distress and schoolyard incidents. It is immediately me with the feeling that you never really grow clear that our protagonist lacks the confidence that up, and that the concept of ‘adult’ is as fanciful Tracey leaks from every pore, and she takes control as Santa Claus. as the leader of the friendship. This is the first book I have read of Smith’s and The story flicks back and forward with each I am eager to latch on to every other word in her chapter, to incidents in the past, then the situation repertoire, confident, after this read, that she may in the future, following the narrator to Africa, where well be one of the best writers alive today. Issue 09 | MAY 2017 33 Culture Still, if the franchise is going to adapt (or “morph” if you will) in in will) you if “morph” (or adapt to going is franchise the if Still, For viewers new to the franchise, the film will likely stand up on on up stand likely will film the franchise, the to new viewers For Anyway. This reboot gives us the origin story of the Power Rangers, Rangers, Power the of story origin the us gives reboot This Anyway. more way is tone the but show, the as same the is premise the So (2017) Rangers Power entire first season on Netflix, you may have been taken aback by by aback taken been have may you Netflix, on season first entire rapping the didn’t (not least things you remember weird various the was me of part and way, own its in perfect was it still, But pumpkin). However, show. original the like just be would movie this that hoping can’t just past the and TV, kids’ for era a unique ‘90s was the be recaptured. and suggests entertaining very age, was modern the this movie of franchise. the good future the things for Man. Where do I begin? Maybe I’ll quickly outline the three reactions reactions three the outline quickly I’ll Maybe I begin? do Where Man. like I didn’t third first The order. chronological in film, this to I had I liked third second the TV show, the to different so was it because and surreal, comically almost was it that much so differed it because again. show the resemble to started it because I liked third last the teenagers ordinary five just are they them meet first we when so and are gain superpowers, suddenly they attitude. day One with earth the defend to Zordon magical floating the head by enlisted own their of help the with Repulsa, Rita space-witch evil the from franchise, the with familiar you’re If dinosaur-robots. personalised justice. it do really don’t words not, if already; this all know you’ll Hollywood in rage the all are reboots Gritty angst-ridden. and dark the but - kids ‘90s of nostalgia the to catering is as days, these it’s that contrast surreal a such is here two the between overlap we’ll opened, been has door the that Now hilarious. of kind actually Street Sesame and Step By Step of reboots gritty get probably too long. before original the fair, be to And, film. a solid it’s because merits, own its the rewatched you me, like If, well. aged entirely hasn’t TV series directed by Dean Israelite by directed rating Campbell-Hunt Alex by review So, when I finally did rock up to Reading, I suffered a brief sinking sinking a brief I suffered Reading, to up rock did I finally when So, And that’s just it: Belle’s true freedom comes from maintaining maintaining from comes freedom true Belle’s it: just that’s And Our two eponymous heroes meet when Beast has the overreaction has overreaction the Beast when meet heroes eponymous Our two We meet the power female lead—bookish Belle, a small-town girl girl small-town a Belle, lead—bookish female power the meet We
(2017)
the Beast the Beauty and and Beauty Film so, frees him from the prejudices of his privileged upbringing. privileged his of prejudices the from him frees so, her inner freedom while trapped in Beast’s palace and palace she, in in doing Beast’s trapped while her inner freedom with her father, Belle demonstrates she doesn’t need saving. doesn’t she saving. need demonstrates Belle her father, with a rose. With Belle, Beast learns compassion and empathy. And while And while and empathy. compassion learns Belle, Beast With a rose. her rescue to decides Gaston admirer self-absorbed seedy, Belle’s of the century, imprisoning Belle when her father attempts to take take to attempts her father when Belle imprisoning century, of the pieces of singing furniture. of singing furniture. pieces feelings of entitlement—Beast is cursed to look as to hideous as he is is cursed of entitlement—Beast feelings adorable becoming either, inside. curse didn’t the His friends escape up is poncey prince “Beast”. Accustomed to a lavish lifestyle and and lifestyle a lavish to Accustomed “Beast”. prince poncey is up little French village, we find she is creative, kind, and clever. And, for And, kind, for and clever. findvillage, is she creative, we French little Next do? girl this can’t What sing. can Watson Emma concerned, any living in a lonely world. During a musical tour around her adorable her adorable a around During musical tour world. in aliving lonely Trudeau. Seriously. Seriously. Trudeau. feeling in my puku—what if I’d ruined it for myself? My excitement excitement My myself? for it I’d ruined if puku—what my in feeling The This of film magic and is romance. epitome the WRONG. right? Justin to could be getting married… feeling comparable only level was higher than Seth Rogen. I could only be let down, down, let be only could I Rogen. Seth than higher was level what a good life it was. it life a good what re-watching, those enchanting teaser trailers became my life. And my became trailers enchanting teaser those re-watching, the cast (it’s so riddled with A-listers it would use my whole word word whole my use would it A-listers with riddled so (it’s cast the and watching, fam) off, them and soz religiously rattle countto of joy. I was reborn as a Beauty and the Beast detective—googling detective—googling Beast the and a Beauty as reborn I was joy. of action remake with my homeslice Emma Watson, I shed a single tear a tear I single shed Watson, Emma homeslice my with action remake was different. This time I got in on the hype. This time I was the hype. hype. the I was time This hype. the on in I got time This different. was live and Beast the be going to a Beauty was When I out found there I prefer to go into a movie with zero expectations. I avoid reviews reviews I avoid expectations. zero with movie a into go to prefer I time This feel? ya down, let no hype, No responsibilities. I avoid like review by Florence Dean Florence by review rating rating directed by Bill Condon by directed 34 Culture TV Series Theatre Marvel’s Improv: Iron Fist The Musical (2017) (last Friday)
created by Scott Buck rating
review by Brandon Johnstone
I really, really wanted to love Iron Fist. I count myself as a huge fan of the comic book character, almost entirely due to the Fraction/ Brubaker run on Immortal Iron Fist a decade ago. Frustrated by the tempest of controversy leading up to its release (largely due to fears last week at Late Night Improv of appropriation of Asian culture), I assured myself that good writers with saurus: could use this as an opportunity to examine these very valid concerns. Gym Class: The Musical! But evidently those good writers were missing in action. Any mis- In this improvised musical about the trials and tribulations of high handling of Eastern culture was largely avoided by simply not school gym class, soon-to-be classics such as “I don’t want to be confronting the issue, rather choosing to almost entirely skip over here”, “You’re a loser” and “Read the faaaax” were sung, colouring protagonist Danny Rand’s (the titular Iron Fist) time in the extra-di- the coming-of-age story of four outcasts, teamwork, books and mensional Himalayan city K’un-Lun. As a result it’s almost entirely basketball. Who ever said you need to travel to Broadway to witness impossible to relate to Danny in any meaningful way—we don’t know an epic musical? what built him, we don’t know his struggles (despite the fact that he won’t stop mentioning them), we don’t understand the world he was a part of for the majority of his life. He only becomes likable when his incessant, unearned optimism is broken and the show finally Coming up This friday: admits that Danny Rand is just the worst. Family Feud We’re offered only a basic glimpse of the Iron Fist superpowers Come see experienced and new improvisors battle it out! (martial arts and an ability to channel chi and punch real good). Frustratingly they’re almost never fully functional due to his emo- ➡10:30 p.m. Friday 5th May at the Fortune Theatre tional instability. There’s a reason most Incredible Hulk films have been terrible: watching someone with superpowers complain that they can’t use their superpowers is pretty insufferable. It’s not all bad though; the show is watchable thanks to some excellent performances, particularly from female lead Jessica Henwick as Colleen Wing, and the absolute show-stealer Wai Ching Ho as the villainous Madame Gao. The show does see an upturn in quality in the second half, when the side characters come into their own and become more interesting than the central plot. Thankfully, the current creative team won’t be heavily involved when we see Danny next in The Defenders, and we can only hope for an improved second season. Hopefully, with confident writers, we might be able to examine the glaring issues behind a rich, white man saving a mystic Asian world, without being super super racist about it. Issue 09 | MAY 2017 35 - Culture Horizon: Zero Dawn is an excellent example of of example excellent an is Dawn Zero Horizon: The sidequests can get repetitive, but not as over get can repetitive, sidequests The or BioWare the of likes the as so whelmingly and NPCs between and titles, interactions Bethesda reward. XP or cash a just beyond satisfying are Aloy another Games it Guerrilla doesn’t take Hopefully but calibre, this of title next their create to years six it worth it’s that proves really Dawn Zero Horizon: than experience a polished for longer a bit wait to pre-planned its on you to shipped game a have to it’s ready. long before date release strikes. You realise pretty quickly however that that however quickly pretty realise You strikes. larger of army an against up be to going you’re than powerful much, much more machinesare that actions plan your carefully to taught You’re are. you - environ your using combat, into dive you before - over maybe traps, set and around sneak to ment balancing you, for fight to riding a machine or two when tough becan frustratingly Combat scales. the you when satisfying but hugely not prepared, you’re where a conflict of out way your strategise is refreshing and truly outgunned. It outnumbered brute simply you let to refuses that a game play to situation. out of any way your force be can experience open-world an powerful how a sense with imbued you’re correctly: handled when you in everything almost of agency and freedom dull of number endless an offered not you’re but do, equipment and loadouts. near-identical sidequests - - Early in the game you’ll be squaring off against against off squaring be you’ll game the in Early In his conversation with Druckmann, Hulst Hulst Druckmann, with In his conversation ropecaster used to tie enemies in place with ropes. tie inenemies with to place used ropecaster small, nimble but can machines chomp at that you a of melee couple with dispatched quickly be pretty ever actually going to work? What are we doing?’ doing?’ we are What work? to going actually ever - ma overpowering big this at arrows firing You’re Guerrilla Well, work?” ever that will How chine. of ammunition an arsenal offering made it work, of exploiting idea central the around based types classic the beyond far Going weakness. enemy’s an your use can you archetype, weakness’ ‘elemental each against them turn foes, stun to equipment oppo your from artillery heavy rip other, or even and bow the Beyond them. against use to nents weapons, rudimentary other acquire you’ll arrow or a rounds, explosive fire to as slingshots such you want her to be clever, you’re given witty re witty given you’re clever, be to her want you things and out along you, with figures She sponses. plot. the drive to down dumbed intentionally isn’t It’s too. has generally she a puzzle, solve you If as developed as well a character play to wonderful game. a video in is she at one combat, point which included the Horizon’s machines submachine with hostile blasting player fit, good a wasn’t this that obvious became It guns. and of bows in favour scrapped thankfully and was this “‘Is challenge: a new presented This arrows. touched on some of the earlier incarnations of of incarnations earlier of the on some touched - - - - Horizon: Zero Dawn revolves around the young young the around revolves Dawn Zero Horizon: Aloy is quite probably one of the most likable likable most the of one probably quite is Aloy something more heart driven, it’s sincere, and when when and sincere, it’s driven, heart more something matching these three alignments. When you want want alignments. When you three these matching choose you when is, really she angry, be to her sive. Most of the time you can choose a response a response choose can you time the of Most sive. dialogue and relatable reactions in all encounters. in all encounters. reactions dialogue and relatable or aggres her as sensitive intelligent, play can You main characters in an AAA video game recently. in an AAA game recently. video main characters interesting with well, exceptionally is written She part in the ‘Proving’, a tradition of the Nora tribe, tribe, Nora the of a tradition ‘Proving’, the in part ifwin. should in she her acceptance will result which she was outcast, Aloy trains her entire life to take take life to her entire trains Aloy outcast, was she fighting and learning. Driven by her desire to be be to her desire by Driven fighting and learning. find and tribe out to why local Nora the accepted ings and provides a kind of augmented reality, reality, a kind of augmented ings and provides in her hunting, her an advantage in gives turn which ogy, worn on the ear, which analyses her surround her analyses which ear, the on worn ogy, down into a bunker belonging to the “old ones”, ones”, “old the to belonging bunker a into down - technol of piece a small is This a ‘focus’. finds and ancient Greek ruin now. Early on a young Aloy falls falls Aloy a young on Early now. ruin Greek ancient the “old ones”, and treat the buildings the and technol “oldthe ones”, and treat an one that might treat ogy reverence the with refuse to make use of lie underfoot. The world’s world’s The underfoot. lie of use make to refuse things as belonging to these to inhabitants refer scrapers, while bunkers full of technology the tribes tribes the technology of full bunkers while scrapers, Aloy’s world is set in a version of our distant future. future. distant our of a version in set is world Aloy’s sky and dilapidated overgrown feature Backdrops archer and huntress Aloy, who is brought up by a a up by is brought who Aloy, and huntress archer tribe. Nora the of outcast an as Rost named man development and encountered a number of a number of and encountered development hurdles. creative open world adventure that took over six years in in years six over took that adventure world open scared: Killzone is a far cry from their newest title title newest their from cry a far is Killzone scared: beautiful and a bright Dawn, Zero Horizon: “gritty beauty”. It’s not surprising that Hulst was was Hulst that surprising not It’s beauty”. “gritty exclusive series Killzone, a linear first-person first-person a linear Killzone, series exclusive as describes Hulst what of full and dark shooter, commit to Horizon: Zero Dawn. Hulst replied, “very “very replied, Hulst Dawn. Zero Horizon: to commit PlayStation its for known is Games Guerrilla scared”. Games, and asked him how scared Hulst was to to was Hulst scared how him asked and Games, Neil Druckmann of Naughty Dog recently sat down down sat Dog recently of Naughty Druckmann Neil with Hulst Hermen of Guerrilla for a conversation rating: rating: & Brandon Johnstone & Brandon reviewed by: Laura Starling Starling Laura by: reviewed made by: Guerrilla Games by: made
Games Horizon: Zero Dawn Dawn Zero Horizon: 36 Culture Food
Ba(e)gels
by Liani Baylis
Bread is life. Bread is Bae (do we still say that?). However, it is also something with which we all have a love-hate relationship. On the one hand, it’s frickin’ delicious and yet on the other, I find myself screaming “my skinny jeans don’t fit any- more, you bastard!” as I reach for yet another slice of buttery marmite toast. Today, let’s celebrate our inner basic-bitch and embrace the beauty that lies in that fat, puffy, chewy deliciousness that is a bagel. Bagels are the tits, but even Pam’s bagels are gonna set you back a fair bit for four. Making your own is not only way cheaper, but making bread is also really therapeutic. So put that essay off for a bit longer, get covered in flour and relax! Why not pair these bagels with last issue’s poached eggs and really treat yo’self?
Instructions 5. Cut the dough into even portions (9, 12 or 24) and roll each slice into a sausage. 1. Pour the sugar and yeast into a bowl of warm Ingredients water and stir. Leave to sit until the yeast becomes 6. Bring some water to boil and preheat the oven active and frothy. to 180°C 4 cups of strong flour 2 teaspoons of dry active yeast 2. In a large mixing bowl, mix the salt and flour 7. Dip either end of the sausage in water and make 1 1/2 cups of water, warm together and make a well in the middle, then pour a complete circle by pushing the ends into each 1/2 teaspoon of salt the yeast mixture in. other to close the seam. 1 teaspoon of sugar 1 egg, beaten or 4 tablespoons of dairy-free 3. Mix with a knife until it comes together, pour 8. Using a slotted spoon (or whatever you’ve got milk to glaze out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for —you know the drill), place two bagels in the pot about 8 minutes until elastic and smooth. at a time and boil for 45 seconds. Flip them over and repeat. 4. Once the dough has generously doubled in size (after about an hour), roll it out into a thick sausage 9. Place on a paper towel, glaze and garnish with (original recipe comes from my food blog on a floured surface. sesame seeds or whatever you fancy. www.leftovercarrots.com) Cook in the oven for about 25-30 minutes.
YOUR SATURDAY STARTS HERE... Seasonal, local, healthy Bacon Butties, & affordable Crepes, Gourmet Porridge, Every Saturday morning Detox Juices, & dunedin railway station Fresh Fruit & Vege www.otagofarmersmarket.co.. Issue 09 | MAY 2017 37 - - - Culture Highlights of the space include the series of of include series the of space the Highlights exhi an such Bloggs excellent The What makes *Unless you hate bodies and gore (understandable). (understandable). bodies and hate gore you *Unless understandable). (less colours happy Or masks covering the far wall, each brightly painted painted brightly far each the wall, covering masks different of and histories stories the on and calling of‘bones’ illus aseries and traditions, countries as images andpresented anatomical with trated of hu the drawing and a large artefacts, museum musculature, detailed with complete man form on a down lying as though displayed horizontally bed. protruding form, and colour of use fearless the just not is bition and of art the act of exploration nor thorough the it is Jackson’s Rather, representation. anatomical disparate seemingly of together weaving intelligent create to and insight subtlety enough with ideas logical and illuminating is Bloggs The connections. it—go I loved and unique and fresh and surprising check it out*. - NICOLA JACKSON THE BLOGGS The exhibition’s title, The Bloggs, evokes the the exhibition’sThe Bloggs, title, evokes The The Bloggs Bloggs The plumber, pays all his taxes and has a dog called called a dog has and taxes his all pays plumber, team to coupling interesting an therefore It’s Rex. bold human and such with of an everyday thisidea of and colour imagery. presentation confrontational physically of what questions prompts Jackson go us about human,makes might we classi how fyingquestions our such and human how form, might tie in and art with culture. fluidly spilling over from the works on the walls to to walls the on works the from over spilling fluidly filling Everything objects space. the unframed the or start clear no with intense, and bold, bright, is and world end point. of human Themes anatomy imagery with apparent, immediately are cultures human with bodies dominating the preoccupied reminiscent and urns masks Egyptian-style works. and interesting varied provide of Asian theatre on. displayed be to images these for surfaces everyday standard, your Blogg’, ‘Joe of concept a as or office an in works probably who bloke —Nicola Jackson —Nicola - Stepping into The Bloggs is like stepping into a a into is stepping Bloggs The like into Stepping review by Monique Hodgkinson Monique by review showing until 5 June until showing Dunedin Public Art Gallery, free entry entry free Dunedin Public Art Gallery, Art plants, artworks and furniture are arranged as as arranged are furniture and artworks plants, definition the of art space, in a though domestic mother had a seriously eclectic sense of style and and of style sense eclectic hadmother a seriously cabinets, Various anatomy. human for a fetish room in your grandmother’s house, if your grand house, if your grandmother’s in your room Kahlo-style living room and anatomical exploration, exploration, anatomical and room living Kahlo-style far. 2017 so of exhibitions favourite my of one and Bloggs by Nicola Jackson, simultaneously Frida Frida simultaneously Jackson, Nicola by Bloggs colours and slightly disturbing human bodies in a in a bodies human disturbing slightly and colours This is The of unapologeticvibrancy. kaleidoscope Gallery is a small room exploding with rainbow rainbow with exploding room small a is Gallery Currently tucked away in the Dunedin Public Art Art Public Dunedin in the away tucked Currently 38 Letters to the Editor
HORO-NOPE PROBABLY NOT DO YOUR RESEARCH, HIGHAM
Hey! Dear Critic, I’m an international student and my school news- Joe Higham’s article on the monarchy showed a paper thing sucks ASS at home. Just wanted to slap-dash lack of research. let you guys know I thoroughly enjoy “Critic” and The French first abolished their monarchy in 1789 I write a review of it every week for my not 1799 but then restored it several times. Since LETTER OF THE WEEK flatmates. then two emporers and three kings have reigned One thing I really wish I could see: HOROSCOPES!!! in France for 62 years. Please?? Joe claims that only eight other nations outside OF BOURBON & BOGANS the commonwealth are monarchies. In fact there Yo-Yo are 22 monarchies elsewhere in the world, spread across Europe, the Middle East, Africa and Asia. They include such progressive democracies as Sweden Dear Sir/Madam and the Netherlands, who would never replace their kings with a partisan politician as head of state. I write to you in protest of your arrogant and THANK YOU KIND STRANGER unintelligible “Booze Reviews” writer who hides David Crooke his name behind the cowardly false identity To whom this may concern, ‘Swilliam Shakebeer’. I have particular issue I lost my phone, eftpos card and student ID this with his offensive denigration of the connois- morning. I don’t know how to thank the person seurs of the fine beverage Billy Mavericks, of who honestly handed my phone and cards in or which I am proudly one. He described Mavs the great guy from Campus watch who escorted RESPONSE TO drinkers as having “dropped out of school in me to different places until they were found. DAVID CROOKE’S LETTER year 11” and “their facebook dp is a lowered It was really nice of him to go out of his way to Hilux”. I will have you know sir that I completed help me until I found it. All in all, I appreciate the Dear Reverend David Crooke, most of NCEA Level 2, and my Facebook picture services set up to help us find our belongings. Thank you for your letter; it’s always nice to receive is a suped up 1999 Nissan Skyline”. feedback on articles! He then has the absolute gall to rate this Thankyou, It speaks volumes that your reposte of the article delectable drop a patronising 2/10 in the taste MeeHwa Atimalala only involves dates and and does not touch upon category. I demand that a correction be pub- the substantive argument I was making. lished and this rating be adjusted up to at least Ever since mankind conceived of the fairytale of a 7. He claims that Billy Mavs don’t have a ‘God’ and then promoted themselves to be a mon- proper ratio whisky to coke. I ask of you, what archy, humanity has been significantly poorer for it. possible ratio could be better than the highest Critic found this sad critter outside our office. If my article showed a slap-dash lack of research, one legally allowed? then your piety shows a slap-dash lack of both Billy Mavericks have brought be so much joy logic and reason. in my short life that I am tearing up just writing this. Billy was there when I got my first blowjob Joe Higham in the toilets at a Speedway race. Billy was there when I was 12 and tried weed for the first time. When I had to go to my girlfriend’s school ball and it was awkward because she’s 8 years younger than me, Billy was there for me. CONDOLENCES I expect an apology in writing. Critic would like to send our sympathy to the Yours Sincerely, friends, family, colleagues and students of B. Maverickson Professor Jae Jung Song who died unexpectedly but peacefully in his sleep last Sunday night.
Critic would also like to send our sympathy to The letter of the week wins a the friends and family of City College resident $30 BOOK VOUCHER Jack Bisset, who died after complications from From the University Book Shop an epileptic seizure. The penguin was not allowed to enter campus grounds. Issue 09 | MAY 2017 39 Columns But I did I did But Around two in the morning I sat in I morning sat the two Around
loaf of brilliance. One measly email, from YOU … yesssss, … yesssss, YOU from email, measly One brilliance. of loaf Do itYOOOOOUUUUU. now. NOW. with just one problem you heard some other troglodyte of a a of troglodyte other some heard you problem one just with inane their of one Link, the or a lecture, in about talking student cunning and creative a with fix to able be will I that problems, Hyde says: Hyde how Oh PERSONAGE. PUTRIFYING OF PIECE FETID HELP ME YOU because silenced voice my with in here trapped I am suffering, Imagine outlet. only my are problems Your lives. perfect your of puff of a politically cream wearing, awith crochet being trapped I MIGHT OR A PROBLEM, IN SEND bat. wielding handbag correct, all for mind your in linger will scream my that assured Be DIE! email, one just in sent just had you wish you making eternity, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Hannah asked anxiously, anxiously, asked Hannah this?” do to want you sure you “Are up and rubbed my face, frustrated that it was taking so long for for long so taking was it that frustrated face, my rubbed and up he where stood bear polar The around. I looked off. drift to me fat and slime their of full remained jars the a tree, as stiff was, on check to I turned us religiously. loomed over andspider the and rising falling. chest asleep, Beside dead Hannah and was she stiff, still one dead dead, quite still vulture, the crouched herhead at me. looking straight eye Jess Thompson by unfurling her sleeping bag. “We can’t exactly leave now without without now leave can’t exactly bag. “We her sleeping unfurling in. ourselves tucked We I replyed. trouble,” into getting me. My watched they because watching, there Inot lay sleep, growling bear polar dirty the clearly see I and could adjusted eyes the jars, green slimy in snakes and lizards the legs, hind his on incorner, the and vulture that wall on the mounted giantspider dive. to ready as back though at us angazing down with arched Hannahbut slept, I could not.
No No Problem! Problem! Problemo Problemo Animal AtticAnimal
annah and I had stayed there once on a school trip. a school on once there stayed I had and annah do thing at they night museum the the know, You about astronomy and go a learn into tent you where through their glass prisons. prisons. glass their through
Somehow we were successful, the entire museum blacked out out blacked museum entire the successful, were we Somehow of us, surprisingly, made it up to Animal Attic without problems, made it problems, Animal up without to of Attic us, surprisingly, The a floorboard. of a creak hardly with stairs the up creeping daylight, in even visitor, every unsettles square, and large room, black in the was figure Every but at night it times is creepier. ten as coins stared and bright round Eyes of itself. night, a shadow we decided to reminisce and packed our backpacks with two two with our backpacks and packed reminisce to decided we afternoon a late for went bags and snacks, then some sleeping visit, until out, time. hanging closing around When call the rang hid. and World Discovery to went we two The below. up echoed from of night watch the and steps the and then they tuck you up in your sleeping bag and tell you you and bag tell up sleeping in your tuck you and they then So downstairs. have they mummy one the about stories spooky H - se of start the at correspondence of burst a wee was There Ethel says: Ethel the address given. address the It is all anonymous of course. Just email your problem to me at at me to problem your email Just course. of anonymous all is It more than you imagine. I look forward to hearing from you soon. soon. you from hearing to forward look I imagine. you than more mester, but it seems to have dried up somewhat. I know you are are you I know somewhat. up dried have to seems it but mester, but time just a could of busy, help minute your all dreadfully shower, bad advice from renegades, or anything really. really. anything or renegades, from advice bad shower, load, homesickness, floordrobe, parties, The Cold, the oven, the the oven, the Cold, The parties, floordrobe, homesickness, load, flat-mates, lab-mates, peers, health, sexuality, relationships, relationships, sexuality, health, peers, lab-mates, flat-mates, mould, hunger, budgets, hair odour, colour, body shoes, work- write in to me for some practical advice about solutions and legal about and legal solutions advice practical some me in for to write landlord, your This could with be aboutramifications. issues All you wee buttons out there having some problems should should problems some having out there buttons wee All you Ethel& Hyde 40 Columns Science Poetry Corner VAPOUR IUM presents SCIENCE TANK This Book Will Change Your Life
Committed to providing the best quality vape gear in New Zealand, Australia and beyond. Our Hero is in his mid teens, but speaks says, “The world of science is about Politicians empirical evidence, not beliefs. as though he is much older. Our Hero When it comes to climate change, Denying the evidence is robust and over- wears a hat, a scarf, a gold watch, a pair whelmingly clear.” of high-tops, at all times. Our Hero is Science The fault is partially ours as voters. Citizens around the world need to almost certainly in love, but with by Ben Cravens demand science literacy from their politicians, and boycott candidates whom? Our Hero can be happy, but Ask anyone and they’ll be happy to who have unscientific policies. This tell your their opinion on healthcare trouble all stems from the popular never content. Our Hero can’t wait to or immigration. This makes sense perception that only scientists need because most of the time arguments to know science. It’s all too common get out of This Town. Our Hero cannot can be made for both sides of any to hear people say they can’t work out policy issue. However, lately there has how to divide up a bill, or that they see himself through outside eyes. Our been an alarming trend of established didn’t “get” science at school. truths being heckled by the scientif- Somehow this is the norm, whereas Hero is white, middle class, cis, male, ically illiterate. Suddenly a false if somebody struggled to read or write straight, and wishes he was more equivalency takes place, in which we would be surprised. In reality, not facts become partisan issues up for knowing basic science is just as dan- interesting. Our Hero’s mother pokes debate. The most troubling example gerous as being illiterate. The world is global warming. There’s no such today is dependent on science and and pries; Our Hero’s father wants him thing as an “opinion” about global technology, and becoming even more warming. Either you accept the over- so as time passes. to play more sports. Our Hero will take whelming professional consensus, or Unfortunately we can’t trust our you’re wrong. How did facts become politicians to be informed for us. If you 400 pages to learn that he is not always political issues? look at the educational backgrounds One of the worst offenders in recent of our political leaders, they are all the main character. memory is Scott Pruitt, Donald businesspeople or lawyers. They are Trump’s head of the Environmental in situations where they need to be Protection Agency (EPA). He has pub- informed about science to make good licly stated that he does not think decisions about policy, and yet a lot —Brighid Morgan carbon dioxide emissions are the of them stopped their science educa- primary cause of global warming, tion after high school. It’s easy to tell putting him diametrically opposed if a politician knows their stuff or not. both to the scientific community and Look at their public stances on issues to the agency that he leads. In the past such as climate change, vaccinations, he has said that he would like to dis- GMOs, nuclear energy, or water qual- mantle the EPA, and he has sued it 14 ity. If they deny the scientific consen- times. Hiring Scott Pruitt to protect sus on these things, they’re unfit to the environment is like appointing make policy decisions that affect Bill Cosby to watch your drinks. As generations to come, and they are not the former EPA chief Gina McCarthy worthy of your vote. Issue 09 | MAY 2017 41 - - which which
Columns I imagine many of you will will I of you imagine many NO PANTS DAY PANTS NO we will wake up, attend, head head attend, up, wake will we — May 1-7 the Day (fingers crossed for warm weather) warm for crossed (fingers 6 MAY—BEVERAGE DAY MAY—BEVERAGE 6 - un celebrated is day this seems (It in Dunedin) awares DAY MAY—LEMONADE 7 is about entrepreneurship apparently stands. kids lemonade in with young 3 MAY— fall and day, the of end the at home fact of the ignorant completely asleep of thousands world, the over all that, not been celebrated. have rugs lumpy Rug Lumpy correctly, read you Yes, exists. actually Day 4 MAY— marathon. Wars Star a in partake unlocking laptop your When you’re to access your legal perfectly copy of pause to you I want Jedi, the of Return a joy the moment for and appreciate Day Password let not Do passwords. of is 4 May folks. again, yet by you pass Day. Proud and Petite also 5 MAY I can’t help feeling that there are are there that feeling help I can’t not are that ‘special days’ lonely enough. celebrated DAY. GOOSE MAY—MOTHER 1 felt I have life, my in times Countless appreci my show to desire astrong of this geese mother the ation to occa the had haven’t just but world, so. do to sion have a ‘few’ drinks, and some might might some and drinks, a ‘few’ have Day of of Day by Briar Smith-Waddell by with shandy” the glint of the lemonade started off grateful you grateful you - catch bottle of hours now, now, of hours es your eye eye es your and you smile smile and you and think how that you are “for a couple a couple “for This under rated delight is fantastic is delight fantastic This under rated a famed pass time. Though enter into into enter time.a Though pass famed as, caution with ansuch arrangement large volume, alcohol low its due to to quantities be must consumed light symptoms: desired the achieve and vomiting, dizziness headedness, and life decisions terrible by followed people in which reality an abstract than in the attractive more appear world. real you were younger and felt like an an like and felt younger were you let you parents your adult because it is Although near a shandy. have night a whole sustain to impossible do they shandys, with booze the on to drink pregame excellent an make of the initial the struggle through help standard per Dollars beers. few first and buy depends you that beer on the mix. to required lemonade the the drink the mixing are you Because a achieve still and be awful can beer outcome. pleasant drink a refreshing if requiring option with A “shandy afternoon. a sunny on of hassomewhat become boyz” the beer and alcohol fanatics this simple andbeer fanatics alcohol this simple and delicious, a drinkis refreshing a simpler time to when throwback - Shandy: your saviour saviour Shandy: your the morning after Shandy, a simple mix of half beer, beer, half of mix a simple Shandy, The simple shandy comes to your your to comes simple shandy The Froth level: level: Froth Christmas with Family uncles. cool your half lemonade, is the Phantom half lemonade, is Phantom the of alcoholic the beverage Menace on by and hated rated Under world. sun. The shit chat from the night night the chat shit sun. from The accompanied banter into turns before long tunes. Before favourite your by your of six finished you’ve realise you is but a hangover and your beers faithful shandy The memory. distant on been now You’ve job. its done has now, hours of couple a for beers full catch glintthe of lemonade bottle the think and smile you and eye your es started you that are you grateful how shandy. off with human excrement on the kitchen floor. on kitchen the human excrement with up topped beer your of half in your feel chilledsome lemonade. You fade; beginto instantly hangover as veins your though courses energy down up washed fry a cook large you realise you Now shandy. another with and daemon the one beer down you’re is be nothing to dreaded once you as another you make you feared, harsh the into way your make slowly fridge will likely leave a puddle of a puddle of leave willfridge likely rescue; you findand a pour tall you glass rescue; -
ing, however the beer you have in the the in have you beer the however ing, You need something cold and cold refresh something need You - un you making face, your warming mouth. and full of cotton comfortable starting to get back on the horse as as get horse on back the to starting curtains your through beats sun the strongest willed of the group are are willed group of the strongest again is stifling while you lie in bed lie in bed you while is stifling again The shortly. comes hoping death simple thought of starting to drink drink to of starting simple thought Imagine you’re on your third day of a a of day third your on you’re Imagine lot, of the the bender, hardest the some pleasant nostalgia. some pleasant ade all tied together with with all tied together ade - of cheap beer and lemon Refreshing combination combination Refreshing Tasting notes: notes: Tasting
by Swilliam Shakesbeer Swilliam by Shandy Drinking 42 Columns
Comic Time
Musings of a Jerk
by Chelle Fitzgerald
Tell us your inner thoughts via drawing and send your comics to: [email protected] Columns 43
Each week, we lure two singletons to The Captain Cook Hotel, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email critic@critic. co.nz. But be warned—if you dine on the free food Cookin’ Up and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you. Love
English Breakfast Lady Grey
The Cook tavern (a place previously famed for its debauchery, cheap burgers Monday, got a Tinder message: “Hey, I need someone to go on the Critic and a D-floor sticky enough to ensnare and dislocate the ankles of many blind date with, would you be keen?” I instantly had horrifying visions of a revelling drunkard) loomed heavily in the distance as I stepped my way how terrible his write up would be (“super boring, worst date ever”, y’know), tentatively towards the crossroads of Great King and Albany Street. A typical and then messaged him back being like “yeah, sure!” Fast forward to Dunedin chill was in the air and my heart was pounding with trepidation Tuesday evening… I rounded the flatmates up for what I figured were some as I plodded ever closer. It was here I was fated to meet and sup with a fair obligatory pre-drinks. I’m sure that all nights that begin with drinking (hopefully) maiden at the 7th hour past noon. liquer out of easter eggs are bound to end well… I cursed as I checked my watch… 10 minutes early. Unsure of what to do The inevitable “oh shit what am I doing” crossed my mind as I walked with myself I loitered outside a while. Town was quiet, eerily so. At one in… there were a couple of kinda rough looking guys with questionable point the clouds parted to reveal a glowing moon, the jeering face of which mullets sitting at the bar, staring at me intently. “Oh f*ck nope back out”. seemed to mock me from above. Several unearthly shrieks pierced the Luckily a smiling face popped out from behind them and waved. silence and I peered into the gloom. Sure enough, a pack of shambling, I slid into the booth, now some dangerous mix of nervous, tipsy, and emaciated individuals were slouching towards me… Health Scis; no doubt utterly stoked because o.m.g is he gorgeous. Aaaand there’s a British accent. leaving the library after another day of furious study. To avoid any inter- Take me home now. I headed to the bar to get a drink, only to be told “yeah, action with these potentially aggressive beings I sought solace in the bar. we’re running kinda low on red wine”. Not a sentence I want to hear in any With a knowing smile from the beer-wench, I was handed a pint of ale situation. Okay wait, they still have pinot. Crisis averted. then shown to a booth where I half expected a priest to pop up and begin Back to the booth. I’m not even sure if there’s anything we didn’t talk confession. Luckily that didn’t happen because it would have taken all about… we were those annoying people that had to be politely reminded night. Instead my date arrived, accompanied by a smile and a bubbliness to hurry up and look at the menu. More food than you have ever seen which I found infectious. The initial greetings were sufficiently awkward, arrived. PSA: go to the Cook and get the chips. You will regret nothing. however things were to shape up…. The conversation began to flow like At some point everyone else must have left, probably around the same the steady waters of the mighty Clutha River. In fact the convo was going time they turned the lights on and started sweeping the floor… Promptly so well that we took way too long to order, but finally settled on the cheese left and apologized for being those annoying people that stayed for way platter, a couple of salads and of course some CHIPS. We talked about the too long. Walked back towards our houses. “Do you want to come in for tea?” usual things, travel, uni, music and what TV series we were currently Brain: “NO. FIRST DATE RULES. GO HOME.” Me: “Yep!” Issue 09 | MAY 2017 watching. We also talked about some less conventional things like parrot Tea somehow turned into playing a game that requires randomly pointing chlamydia, Schaudenfraud and people with colour-blindness. at an entry in some kind of med book to find out how you’re going to die… As the hour began to draw late we both realised the bar was closing up Chlamydia psittaci, apparently. Chlamydia caught from parrots. (Notably around us, so we decided to leave. However our chat carried on as we different from the kind you catch from non-parrots). This is going well. vacated and sauntered through the crisp Dunedin evening. Later on we Fast-forward from parrot chlamydia to kissing. Christ knows how we may, or may not, have gotten to know each other more intimately over a segued that one… *More brain yelling about first date rules*. I woke up cup of night-time tea…. there this morning, so rules schmules. Chlamydia psittaci, you’re one hell Cheers Twinings…. Oh and Critic of a wing-man ;)
Present your 2017 Radio One card and get a coffee & bacon buttie for $10* *valid until 5pm
Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with events and information feeding Dunedin students for 165 years 03-474-1935 | 354 Great King Street, North Dunedin facebook.com/TheCaptainCook 44 Fiction Fiction 45
Hi From Granddad J
words by Mat Clarkson art by Saskia Rushton-Green
Hello! It is your Granddad here! Just dropping you a Law, and there is to be no more talk of cloacas,” and line to let you know how we are getting on at home! they both backed down. It was just like the time you First, a little family news. Grandma has gone to visit and your sister tried to tell me that Lemmings do not her sister in Taupo, as you know I cannot stand that actually jump over cliffs to their deaths. You said the woman ever since she pointed out my going bald photographers from Disney pushed the lemmings in 1988. I remember it well because your mother off. I am still mad about this, by the way. The video had just returned home with a bad mullet, as was is there, and it is real! Why would you try to cover up the rage back then, and Grandma’s sister said “well the tragic demise of the poor creatures! Your grand- David’s head looks like a pig’s titty” (meaning I was mother and I are still mad about this. going bald at the back), and this has painted my I took the scenic route through Rotorua just to see memory of her until this day. the sights. It is true what they say about the smell So I’ve hit the road! I’m driving the old caravan (smells like poo), but it’s possible that the odour was to Hamilton and back. It’s mostly to keep myself coming from the septic tank, which is full and I don’t busy until Grandma returns, but also to let the old know how to empty it (your Grandma does and has girl loose, as it’s been ages since she’s felt the wind never showed me). Come to think of it, most of the through her undercarriage (the caravan, not your trip has smelled very foul, but that could be the smell Grandma ha-ha, I am only joking do not worry). It of Rotorua being blown around by strong Northerly has been very good to get away from those Dutch winds. It is probably that. I also took some apples neighbours of ours, as it seems to be clog season and from an apple tree by the side of the road, some- Sven is whittling clogs from an old stump and blast- where I can’t remember. It looked like it was on a ing out oom-pah music with no shirt on. I despise public domain, but once I had a shirt full these kids that man but I still act like I’m his friend because he appeared from behind a hedge and told me that the is much larger than I, and could easily best me in a apples were their Dad’s prize winning apples, and brawl. I picked up a nice couple from Germany who that he started growing them after his divorce and were hitchhiking! I do not usually do that sort of are now the sole source of his self- esteem. But I was thing, but the open road can be a lonely place. They having none of it because the tree was pretty close to were very nice, and we talked about a great many the road and there was no proper fence. I still high- things. We got into a fairly heated argument though, tailed it out of there before he found out though. If because when a bird did a big shit on the window as I knew how to empty the septic tank I would have Issue 09 | MAY 2017 we were driving I said, “how could such a small bird offered to dump it on his trees for fertilizer, as pay- bum make such a big mess!” And the German lady ment for the apples I took. But the guy was probably tried to tell me that birds do not have bums, but rath- in cahoots with his council and a genius at knowing er a ‘cloaca,’ from which both poos and wees come, where sewage is and is not allowed. I remember but I was having none of it. Birds have bums, all an- when this country used to be free. imals do. Eventually I had to say “whose car is this? I hope all is well with you in Dunedin, and you This is my vehicle and within its walls my word is are not getting up to mischief. I look forward to your reply please. Love from Granddad ☺
P.S ‘Pig titty’ was the first thing I ever looked up on the computer at the library and they don’t even look like my head that much. Shows what she knows! -Love Granddad ☺ 46 Culture Columns Vitalogy
If the hair is course, black, and sticks up, there is not much sociability, and much that is stubborn, sour and harsh, in the character.
Coarse, red hair indicates much fire and energy, with unusual strength and firmness.
Auburn hair, with a florid face, gives purity, intensity, and great capacity for enjoyment or suffering.
Fine, silky, pliable, easily dressed hair indicates delicacy, sensibility, and goodness.
Hasty, impetuous and rash people have crisp, curly hair, but if it is straight and smooth, even and glossy, a warm Hair indicative of character* heart, a clear head and superior talents are indicated.
The character of persons is sometimes indicated by the White hair, as a general rule of thumb, indicates a good, colour of the hair. easy, lazy fellow.
The bilious temperament, black hair and dark skin are The hair naturally parting in the middle and falling on generally found associated. These indicate strength of either side indicates womanly refinement, purity, and character and sensuality. delicacy. When the hair extends and lies on the forehead in rings, it indicates a frank, open, and genial nature. Fine hair and dark skin show purity, goodness and strong mind. The light-haired people are the thinkers, the poets, and the artists of the world. Stiff, straight and abundant black hair and beard are usually combined with strong, unyielding, straight-for- Dark-brown hair combines the two, and is the most ward and rather bluff character. desirable.
Fine, brown hair indicates exquisite sensibility, with To sum-up: a strong will for what is good and right, when unper- Black hair, physical strength. verted. White hair, mental vigour. Red hair, a fiery temperament, passion and devotion. If the hair is straight and lies flat on the head, the Wavy hair, a pliable, yielding, accommodating disposition. temperament is melancholy, but you may safely rely on Straight, stuck-up hair, stubbornness and fidelity. that person, be it man or woman. Very smooth, close-lying hair is “Oily Gammon”.
This information was taken from Vitalogy, a real medical book published in 1923. This column is for entertainment only and should not be taken as advice by anyone, ever. President’s Column
Hey team,
Hope all is well and everyone is trucking along as the second So when your alarm wakes you early on a Monday morning, half of the semester is well and truly underway. and dread of your 8am lecture washes over you, just remember how lucky we are to be granted the opportunity Last week, as I’m sure you are all well aware was ANZAC to be able to turn up to class and excercise our freedoms of day. I’d just like to start by saying a massive thank you and thought and the pain and horror that many experience for us congratulations to all who took part in it. Well done also in to be afforded these opportunities. particular to the events team at OUSA who put a lot of hard work in to make sure the event is what it is. I wish you all the best for the upcoming week and have no doubts you will all be making the most of a bit of extra time ANZAC day is a pretty special day here in New Zealand and before exams roll round and sleeves have to be rolled up. is a good opportunity to a take a moment to reflect on the sacrifice of all those who have gone before to ensure that we Cheers Hugh Baird are able to live the lives in which we do. OUSA President
Battle of the Bands: Get ready to rock! RADIO ONE 91FM & NZ ON AIR presents the 2017 OUSA of the Heat 1 is THIS FRIDAY. All you need to do is show BATTLE BANDS up at Re:Fuel at 8.30pm with $2 and be ready to be blown away by some student talent. Check out our Facebook event for more details.
LAST CHAnCEbotb.ousa.org.nz TO ENTER register online at
HEAT 1 HEAT Friday 5 May DOORS OPEN FROM 8:30PM | ENTRY $2
In association with
Congrats to Bjorn! He scored himself a winter goodies pack by subscribing to the OUSA Communique Newsletter. Sign up for your weekly chance at winning. Sign up at bit.ly/ousanewsletter5
OUSA Student Referendum FORUM Monday 22nd May at 1pm in the Main Common Room Ask questions, eat pizza, exercise your rights! Vote online in the OUSA Referendum from 29-31 May at: voting.ousa.org.nz GET SWEET LOOT WITH A 2017 ONECARD ACTIVATE YOURS ONLINE AT R1.CO.NZ/ONECARD
ALTO CAFE NOOK FLASH YOUR 2017 Bacon & Egg Sandwich or BLT + Regular Treatment, cut & blow wave for $69. Cut, ONECARD AT ANY Coffee for $10, Mon - Fri 7am - 11.30am blow wave, colour & treatment for $150. 1/2 head foils, cut, blow wave, toner & treatment OF THESE FINE BIGGIES PIZZA for $164 $8 off any pizza purchase.* BUSINESSES AND OUTSIDE SPORTS BOWL LINE 15% off rental, 15% off workshop, and 10% off SAVE CA$H MONEY! 2 games of bowling for $15* retail (full price items only)*
AMAZON THE CAPTAIN COOK HOTEL PARDAL HAIR STUDIO 10% off full-priced items, not in $10 for coffee and a Bacon Buttie, anytime Student woman’s haircut $40, re-style $50, conjunction with any other offer, only before 5pm available in store. mens haircut $25, $99 Half head of foils, treatment, cut and blow wave*. CORNERSTONE INK TATTOO STUDIO BURGER KING 10% off per hour 2 Cheeseburgers for $3* PHONE SURGEONS 10% off all phone, tablet & computer repairs FORTUNE THEATRE CAPERS CAFE 2-for-1 tickets on Wednesday night PITA PIT 2 for 1 gourmet pancakes* performances* Buy any petita size pita and get upgraded to a regular* CELLO HELL PIZZA 5% off Logitech, 10% off Labour, 10% off Spend $20 or more and receive either free network & data cables. Plus iPad/iMac/ POPPA’S PIZZA MacBook educational pricing. wedges, garlic bread, or a 1.5L drink* Free garlic bread with any regular or large pizza* HOT YOGA COSMIC 5 classes for $50* 10% student discount PURE BEAUTY 20% off eyelash extensions, $25 spray tans, INCH BAR Student Brazilian with free eyebrow shape LUMINO THE DENTISTS $1 off Emerson’s draught pints $69 new patient exams and x-rays, plus $35 10% off further treatments* LEGIT LTD ROB ROY DAIRY 50% off stickers MEGAZONE Free upgrade to a waffle cone ever Monday Buy two games of mini golf or laser tag & Tuesday* and get a third free LIQUID ASSETS JUICE BAR 12.5% off all juices SUBWAY Buy any six-inch meal deal and upgrade to a RAPUNZEL’S LONE STAR Monday to Friday, 1/2 head of foils footlong meal deal for free* including toner for $99, women’s cut Up to 25% off selected beverages when you from $39, men’s cut from $29* book a function with us. $20 selected Beer SUPER SHUTTLES Pitchers. $15 Margarita Jugs* $20 to/from the airport STIRLING SPORTS 12.5% off all non-sale items MOBIL ANZAC AVE T.M. AUTOMOTIVE 2 x 500mL Lift Plus for $4 $50 Warrant of Fitness fee THE POOLHOUSE CAFE & BAR NANDO’S VAPOURIUM $9 for 1-hour pool table hire* Free regular peri-peri chips with every flame- Get 20ml free with any starter kit grilled chicken, wrap, pita or burger. Free VOID CLOTHING chips upgrade with combo meals* 10% off all non-sale items
*terms and conditions apply, see r1.co.nz/onecard for details