The Big Idea Series Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic Working Parenthood Was Hard Enough Before Covid-19 — and Now We’Re in an All-Out Crisis

02 Article A Way Forward for Working Parents THE 08 Expert Panel Y our Questions About Work, Caregiving, and Covid-19, Answered BIG 13 Guide 8 Ways to Build an Employee Resource Group for Parents IDEA 15 Article Dads, Commit to Your Family at Home and at Work 19 Article The Free Market Has Failed U.S. Working Parents 26 Article What Working Parents Need from Their Managers Reprint BG2005 30 Article From Hands-Off to Helicopters Published on HBR.org November 2020 36 Guide How to Talk to Your Kids About Work During the Pandemic

The Big Idea Series Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic Working parenthood was hard enough before Covid-19 — and now we’re in an all-out crisis. It’s time to reimagine what’s possible for ourselves, our families, and our society. by Daisy Dowling Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

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A Way Forward for Working Parents How to feel more confident, connected, and in control — during the pandemic and beyond. by Daisy Dowling

Bad. Guilty. Failing. Lonely. Do those words strike a I think it’s safe to say that in 2020 we’ve reached a chord? I’ll make a gentle guess that they do, because working-parent low. in my one-on-one coaching sessions with working I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over. I’m deeply parents over the past several years, I’ve heard those grateful for what I have — health, family, work, shel- four words more than any others. ter — and I’m acutely aware that others have it much And that was before Covid-19. tougher. Yet as I write this, with my laptop balanced Over the past eight months, managing work and on the corner of my kitchen counter, one eye on cli- kids has accelerated from a complex, persistent chal- ent emails and the other on my seven-year-old, who’s lenge into an all-out crisis. We’ve had to handle full- completing a math worksheet, I wish I could find a time jobs, full-time care, and full-time oversight of trapdoor that leads away from this situation, offering our kids’ education, without the benefit of our reg- a magical escape. If you’re facing the terrible strain of ular support systems. One of my clients returned to combining a career and caregiving, I’m sure you feel work from her first parental leave in March and has the same. worked an around-the-clock schedule since, without It’s natural to feel beaten down and nostalgic for any childcare. Like so many other parents, she won- pre-pandemic life (who isn’t reminiscing a little about ders how long she can, as she puts it, “hang on.” Other 2019?), but we can’t let those feelings and desires lure parents I’ve coached and interviewed are trying to us into short-term thinking. We’re working, and we’re figure out how to manage frontline jobs and distance parenting. We’re in this. And we have to find ways, learning, or to hold on to their income while assum- however small, to make it less miserable — to take

Cover: Alex Eben Meyer Cover: Alex ing 24/7 care for a child with special needs. back some measure of control.

We also need to start shaping what working par- only 25% of American working families; the rest are enthood will look like when the pandemic subsides, dual-career or single-parent. Maybe in the past family as far away as that may sound. This new normal has members spent the bulk of their working years with been stressful, unmanageable, and overwhelming — a single employer; but statistically speaking, you’ll but we can’t go back to the old normal, because no probably be in your current role for only four years — matter how rosy it might seem right now, pre-2020 and you may be feeling pressure to network and wasn’t good for working parents either. In this terrible manage your LinkedIn profile during what would situation, and with so much in flux, we need to take otherwise be family time. Remember also: If your a new, distinct approach — one that can help fashion role models had kids prior to 2007, they didn’t have our own working-parent experiences. to work and parent amid the always-on expectations In this article I will describe what Working Parent- and 24/7 pressures created by the smartphone. In hood 2.0 could look like and lay out several simple, other words, being a working parent doesn’t just feel feasible first steps toward it — steps that will also harder than your template tells you it should be. It provide a bit of immediate relief. As counterintuitive actually is. As the pandemic has so clearly revealed, as this may seem, I’m going to focus here on individ- we carry an extraordinarily heavy load, yet even in ual approaches and actions. Widespread, structural extremis, we’re left on our own and left holding our- supports for working parents, such as parental leave selves to unrealistic expectations. and affordable day care, are absolutely essential, and That imbalance is one of the main triggers of bad, we’re clearly lagging on those. (See “The Free Market guilty, failing, lonely feelings. It usually presents, and Has Failed Working Parents,” on p. 19.) But extricat- compounds, something like this: During what’s sup- ing ourselves — and helping extricate one another — posed to be family time, you get an important mes- from feeling bad, guilty, failing, lonely is essential to sage from a colleague. When you turn away from your weathering the rest of the crisis and to pushing for the children to answer it — for the umpteenth time this bigger changes that our families, our organizations, week — you feel both under pressure and at fault: I and our communities need. have to respond, but here I go again, ignoring the kids. Before we dive into 2.0, let’s look at how we got The challenge also comes in the other direction: into this mess in the first place. With that understand- You’re pulled away from work to look after a sick ing, we’ll be ready to start getting ourselves out. child or to supervise homework, for example. As the challenges pile up, your values — your iden- The Bad, Guilty, Failing, tity — start taking a hit: Why can’t I figure this out? I’ve always been a hard worker. I should be able to handle Lonely Trap this. Other people can. (Reminder: They can’t.) One of the most damaging misconceptions I hear As you find yourself unable to “solve” the situa- from working parents — and I hear it every single tion, the tension and self-criticism ratchet up fur- day — is that they’re struggling while other parents ther: What kind of mother/father am I, making these are managing or thriving. Let me say this clearly: It’s kinds of career choices and giving my kids short shrift? not just you. The kinds of practical problems you face The kids need me, but my colleagues are watching; I’ll and the deep, disconcerting feelings you have about never get promoted, delivering like this. Now, roiled them are both common and completely normal. by negative emotions, you start to draw big-picture As one of the few people who have spent years in a comparisons: My parents sat down for dinner with us unique ringside seat observing the current realities of every night; why can’t I manage? I used to be focused at working parenthood, I’m guessing that those realities work and a more present parent, and in this pandemic are not what you’re measuring yourself against. I’m neither. Instead, when you think “working parent,” you It all started with a single email, but now — wham! — may think of your parents or grandparents, and how here you are, feeling ground down, fed up, con- despite working hard to earn a living, they sat down flicted, and alone. And if you’re part of a group that to dinner with you every night. Or of the more-senior isn’t always actively included in the working-parent leaders in your organization who somehow seem to dialogue — if you’re a dad, LGBTQIA+, or the parent make working parenthood work. Or even back to old of older children, for example — the feeling of isola- TV shows you watched growing up, in which parents tion can be even more acute. were apparently able to balance the personal and the That’s a crummy place to be, and when we’re professional without undue strain. this distracted and depleted, it becomes extremely Those impressions led you to believe that this is difficult to be the very best parents we can be or to possible if I work hard enough or that good parents eat deliver a great performance at work. And if all 50+ with their kids, or something similar. But your life is million of us U.S. working moms and dads (or similar most likely very different, in many ways, from that ranks in another country) stay collectively pinned firmly ingrained working-parent template. In those down under bad, guilty, failing, lonely or suffering TV shows, maybe one parent worked and the other from an acute case of Why can’t I make this work?, focused on the home front. Today that’s true for how powerfully or effectively can we support one

HBR.org The Big Idea 3 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

another or advocate for those much-needed policies working parents (and with colleagues who don’t have and programs? children); (3) a broadening of the working-parent I want to be crystal clear here: I’m not suggest- “we” — more connections with working parents of ing that we’re somehow to blame for the current various kinds; and (4) perhaps most crucial, a bias to- working-parent state of affairs, and I’m not letting ward visibility and action. corporations, government, or other institutions off These elements are only a start but also eternal. the hook. But I do believe that as individuals and as They can help us get through the remainder of the working-parent peers, we can contribute to the solu- Covid-19 era. They’re also crucial to making working tion by shifting our own approach. Back in Working parenthood work, for all of us and over the long haul. Parenthood 1.0 we buckled down and pushed our- As you read, a few may strike you as more achievable selves to make things work, no matter what the cost. or less, and all four together may feel overwhelming. Let’s stop doing that. Instead, let’s become more real- My advice: Focus on what’s achievable now. That istic and authentic in our dual roles, and at the same might be one action or a few. Whatever the case, time better stewards and advocates for ourselves and think about how you might take them forward — for one another. yourself, for your bosses and colleagues, and for your organization. What Working Parenthood 2.0 For yourself. To short-circuit bad, guilty, failing, Looks Like lonely, you need to ramp up your own sense of con- Below are glimpses of how 2.0 could work and how, fidence and control. There are certainly many ways through a few specific and powerful first moves, we to do that, and if you’ve already found that exercise, can begin to make combining career and family more a spiritual practice, mentoring, or any other habit or straightforward, feasible, and satisfying. community helps keep you energized and in charge, I think of 2.0 as having four essential elements: (1) then by all means stick with it. Like most of my a frank and no-apologies view of yourself as a single, coachees, however, you’ll probably benefit from two whole, and complete person — even while perform- additional, deliberate approaches. ing two distinct and important roles; (2) more open, Create distinct boundaries between work and fam-

Alex Eben Meyer Alex frequent, and satisfying connections with other ily. For years we’ve trained our sights on work-life

HBR.org The Big Idea 4 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Try a small step, such as putting your phone away for 20 minutes each evening, and then gradually erect additional borders over time.

integration, the well-intentioned idea that you flag, even in rocky situations. Let’s say you missed should bring together the two spheres of your life bedtime because you had to jump on yet another call in a more seamless way — say, by attending a child’s or work overtime, and your kids got really upset. As sports tournament while keeping a watchful eye on the guilt surges, tell yourself: My kids come first, and the messages rolling in from work. Unfortunately, I make it my priority to be there for them. Because of and particularly now during the pandemic, the seams events at work — the work I do to support our family — have all but disappeared. It feels as if there’s no divi- I had to miss bedtime tonight. That doesn’t change sion between work and parenting: We spend the ma- my commitment or who I am. I am a devoted mother/ jority of our time in hypervigilant split-screen mode, father, and my kids come first. In re-staking, you ac- scrambling to simultaneously parent and deliver the knowledge the conflict and the full reality of what professional goods, all while wearing ourselves down just happened, but you stay in charge of the emo- and feeling less than effective at both — and that tional territory. Of course, if you find yourself con- hurts. It’s time to (re)draw our boundaries. stantly working overtime and re-staking around it, In the coming days, pick a line between career and you’ll want to pull back. That’s an honest reorienta- kids, and do your best to stick to it. That line can be tion, not defensiveness. real or virtual. If you’re working remotely, maybe you If you find it hard to re-stake in the moment, fore- check messages only at your desk, think of yourself cast a little. Look over your calendar for the coming as professionally “on” only while wearing shoes that week and spot where you may naturally feel a little aren’t sneakers, or decide to disengage from work at guilty or conflicted — by that deadline on Wednesday, a certain time each evening. If you’re working a long for example. When the time comes, and the negative day or night onsite, think about using the trip home feelings appear, you’ll be in a better position to de- to clear the mental space to be fully present for your claw them. kids. Create a tangible reminder if you can: One of my clients touches a small piece of artwork as if it were a With your bosses and colleagues. If this pandemic light switch when moving from work into parenting has had one positive outcome, it’s a greater (if co- or personal mode. erced) openness about what combining career and You may have to make many such transitions every caregiving really looks like. Pre-pandemic, you may day, but each time you do, try to allow yourself to be have deliberately limited the amount of “parenting fully there, whether in a meeting, on a call, or eating stuff” you took to work and felt sheepish about your dinner with the kids. If that sounds aspirational, break kids’ interrupting calls. Now that’s no longer feasible, it down: Try a small step, such as putting your phone so most of us have become more direct, forthcom- away for 20 minutes each evening, and then gradually ing, and unabashed with our coworkers and bosses erect additional borders over time. You’ll still have too about parenting needs. As a result, we’re beginning much to do, but building those dividing lines should to realize that we’re not alone in our challenges and come as a relief. Separate things out, and you’ll feel struggles. Now we can take the next few steps toward more attentive, competent, and you in each sphere. being visible and in this together. Re-stake. You’ve probably been advised to “ditch Bring working-parent issues up in a career-related, the working-parent guilt.” But that’s impossible. rather than a task-related, context. So your boss has Guilt is the natural emotional by-product of acting, seen your four-year-old running around the house even in a small-scale way, in opposition to your during a video call. That’s one thing. But how will genuine, closely held values. If you believe My kids you raise the “working-parent issue” in your next ca- come first but skip the bedtime routine to make (yet reer conversation or performance review or feedback another) work deadline, you’ll feel strain and self- meeting — or job interview? In the past you proba- recrimination. You can’t “ditch” that feeling, be- bly wouldn’t have. Those moments would have been cause doing so would involve either renouncing completely professional. your children as the center of your life or somehow You can certainly continue that way — but why becoming impervious to your own emotions, like a keep on with the “parenting is unmentionable unless sociopath. a baby is crying in the background” game? Maybe in What will help take the temperature down, and year-end conversations, when discussing your ac- what you can do, is re-stake: Firmly plant your values complishments, you could slide something in and

HBR.org The Big Idea 5 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

even get a little credit: In 2020 I worked as many At the organizational level. As an individual par- hours as last year, and did so while managing signifi- ent in any organization — particularly a large one cant personal challenges as the parent of two children. or one where there’s been little dialogue about You’re not complaining or bragging; you’re still busi- working-parent issues — it’s easy to feel power- nesslike, while acknowledging the reality of what less. Nevertheless, you can help your company or you did. Maybe that feels awkward — but so did the institution improve its support of parents in a few first time your toddler wandered onscreen during a important ways. Zoom meeting. Encourage benefits bundling and transparency. Most If you’re worried about your job, or you’re in a sec- organizations are adept at designing and structuring tor or a chain of command where pushing the enve- benefits relevant to working parents — but less effec- lope simply feels like a nonstarter, think about a less tive at communicating them in a user-oriented way career-risky way to fold the topic into bigger-picture and in destigmatizing their use. Even if a flex-work professional conversations. Have a closed-door con- policy and backup day care are available, chances versation with a mentor about your longer-term plans are that your manager doesn’t know the details, for flexibility. Or ask a slightly more senior colleague you’ll have to ask multiple people to get the infor- for advice about managing a career and kids; even the mation you need, and the enrollment forms live hid- crustiest coworker softens up when approached for den in various corners of your company’s intranet. I personal advice. The point is to help normalize a topic routinely ask coachees what family benefits they’ve that may have been considered taboo. used or have available to them, and 95% of the time Be inclusive. A common habit I’ve seen in even the answer is “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure how working-parent-friendly workplaces is focusing to sign up” or “That’s just for people who are really all the effort and attention on what I call “visible” in trouble.” Transparency has improved during the working parents — those who have asked for some pandemic, but it’s helpful to clear things up even kind of flexibility, are just back from leave, or have further. Otherwise, too many moms and dads may young children. That makes sense: It’s natural to go without the practical support and reassurance focus on the parents we think need help the most. they could access or spend too much time and en- The tricky bit is that working parents come in all ergy getting it. packages — male, female, gay, straight, biologic, adop- You may not work in the benefits department or in tive, with older kids rather than babies — and most corporate communications, but you can — very con- are feeling the pinch even if they don’t talk about it. structively and tactfully — try to enlist their support. There are also the colleagues who aren’t yet parents Send an email to your HR rep suggesting that a single but already have their eye on how, longer term, it will “working-parent resources” splash page, with click- be possible to make career and family work. throughs, forms, explanations, and contact numbers So think about how to bring them in. If your or- for all relevant benefits, would be useful and appre- ganization has a working-parents’ network (see ciated. Several organizations I work with have sent “8 Ways to Build an Employee Resource Group for companywide messages from senior leaders summa- Parents,” on p. 13), ensure that invitations are broadly rizing what’s available. Such pull-it-together commu- distributed and explicitly welcome “all parents, cur- nications save tons of organizational time (including rent and future” (for example). If you’re interviewing the HR person’s). a prospective hire, mention your own kids and make In a more active, grassroots way, offer to talk with it clear that you’re happy to talk about what life at newer parents in your department about your expe- your organization is like for caregivers. If you’re rience using the backup day care center, or let HR looking for working-parent mentors, or want to be- know that you’re open to speaking at an info ses- come one, deliberately seek out conversations with sion. Learning what to pack in the diaper bag before parents who have profiles and roles different from drop-off or how well managed you found the center yours. If you’re a new mom, try asking a dad, or a will provide a nervous new parent much-needed parent with teenage kids, for advice. direction and reassurance. If you’re in a small or an Effectively, you’ll be taking that old adage about entrepreneurial organization, try politely flagging having a “personal board of directors” and going for lower-cost, useful resources that your employer it, working-parent style. One of my coachees, a female might consider offering. Maybe your startup can’t attorney, was surprised when a male partner-level provide subsidized, center-based backup childcare colleague gave her “the best” advice on making the but could cover employees’ annual subscription to a transition from one child to two. Regardless of the local on-demand sitter service. difference bridged, a new perspective can be quite Contribute to — or start — a working-parents net- useful; and just as important, you’ve created a bond. work group. Employee groups (often referred to as af- For both your own benefit and that of other parents, finity networks, resource groups, or ERGs) for working widen the circle: Find ways in which to underscore parents are quickly becoming commonplace in large that we’re all in this together. and midsize organizations. If yours didn’t have one,

HBR.org The Big Idea 6 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

As you provide practical help to other working parents and help normalize their concerns, you’ll feel more personally empowered too. or plans for one, in January 2020, chances are good reframing, modeling, and advocacy required to make that it does now. At its best, such a group can be an the changes I’ve described here alternately bold and easy, free way to connect with other parents whose doable or risky and overwhelming. What if I draw professional experience is similar to yours; to get ad- firm professional boundaries and get judged for it, vice, tips, and encouragement; and to stave off the or my business suffers? What if I connect with other sense of I’m in this alone. That said, many groups lack smart working parents but we fail to come up with a distinct focus or a sense of how to provide members good collective solutions? What if we all do our best with the most immediate value. and nothing changes? You can play a powerful part here. If your organi- Then, from the next room, I get the encouragement zation doesn’t yet have a group, consider spearhead- I need to at least try this, to make a start. Because ing one. Invite the other parents you know — and the we’re still mid-pandemic, and my kids are distance other parents they know — throughout the organiza- learning, my seven-year-old is dialed into math class tion to meet at a specific time and share tips and tricks via my creaky old iPad. The teacher is explaining for a common working-parent challenge such as time number bonds: how to stack different components management or finding new care arrangements. If and add smaller bits together and use different routes you keep the invites inclusive and the conversation to reach an intended answer. practical, the group will probably gain traction. Thirty years from now, I don’t want my daughter If a group already exists, consider offering to host trapped in bad, guilty, failing, lonely, and you don’t a targeted, solutions-oriented session. Book a time want your kids to feel that way either. We want them and invite network members to join you to discuss to achieve their very fullest potential, as profession- the most useful smartphone apps for working par- als, parents, and people. And we’re going to have to ents, for example. Or if you’re an accountant, offer to start using new components and taking different explain those child-related tax credits. (Let’s face it: routes today to help them — and us — get there. Few of us really understand them.) Or invite a “friend of the company” with a career in education to dis- Daisy Dowling is the founder and CEO of cuss some aspect of the remote-learning challenge. Workparent, a specialty coaching and advisory You could help set up a Slack channel for adoptive firm focused on working parents. She is the parents; create a small subgroup of volunteers will- author of Workparent: The Complete Guide to ing to take “phone a friend” calls from colleagues just Succeeding on the Job, Staying True to Yourself, back from leave; or set up an informal peer-to-peer and Raising Happy Kids, forthcoming from mentoring program for parents thinking about career Harvard Business Review Press in May 2021. advancement and transitions. As you provide practical help to other working parents and help normalize their concerns, you’ll feel more personally empowered too. If you or your network group’s leaders are looking for more advice about group composition, leadership, and activities, you can find it in “8 Ways to Build an Employee Resource Group for Parents,” on p. 13. . . . If all this feels hard to take in or seems like a lot to ask of yourself right now, I’m right there with you. Any one of these changes feels big; together, they’re daunting. As I sit hunched over my improvised work- from-home desk eight months into this pandemic, it’s hard to imagine wearing regular business clothes — much less feeling vigorous and on my front foot testing out new moves as either a professional or a parent. Even as someone who coaches other working parents for a living, I find the introspection,

HBR.org The Big Idea 7 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Your Questions About Work, Caregiving, and Covid-19, Answered Advice from experts on taking care of yourself, dealing with uncertainty and guilt, and more. by Laura Amico

At the start of the pandemic, when my husband the workday, filing an assignment, and waking and I were shifting to working from home while up the next day to do it again are pretty big wins. caring for our preschooler and toddler and pro- But can I, can we, be doing better? Should we be? curing enough milk, eggs, and disinfecting wipes To find out, HBR asked parents around the to keep everyone fed and safe, I began using an world who are employed outside (figuratively automatic email reply to alert my contacts that speaking, at least) the home: What is difficult I might not be as immediately available as I was right now? What do you need help with? You’ll before. find their responses below, collected from HBR’s At first it was a generic message that responses LinkedIn group, and arranged by theme: might be delayed. But as the pandemic wore on, • Taking care of yourself and keeping all the trains moving got more and • Dealing with interruptions more complicated, I began using the space to • Layoffs and job hunts capture the weirdness of working parenthood • What kids are learning about work during a pandemic. And so, if you emailed me, • Dealing with uncertainty and guilt you heard about my dog-phobic four-year-old pleading for five puppies for his birthday, or We then took those questions to a panel of ex- naming my new office chair (“swishy seat”), perts to get some answers. Participants included: or very adroitly referring to our home as a “fun • Julia Beck, founder and CEO of the It’s house.” Working Project “Life is weird right now,” I closed every au- • Amber Coleman-Mortley, iCivics director of tomated message. “Please bear with me.” social engagement and a podcaster at Let’s It was a plea — a shout, really — to let peo- K12 Better ple know that there was nothing normal • Brad Harrington, executive director of the about how my life had shifted overnight. Boston College Center for Work & Family The joy of these messages was how I heard • Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist, on back from so many of my colleagues: “Yes, Instagram @drbeckyathome same.” Followed closely by, “But seriously — • Laila Tarraf, chief people officer, Allbirds what are you doing about school/work/time management/guilt/etc.?” Life is weird right now, they all affirmed. But Honestly, I didn’t have — and still don’t have — here’s how to survive it. (Questions and advice

Robert Ball any idea. Most days, making it to the end of have been edited for clarity.)

HBR.org The Big Idea 8 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

to still-difficult-yet-tolerable. Every 1. Taking Care of hour on the hour, stop your work, Yourself place your feet on the ground and a There was a lot of pressure on parents hand on your heart, and repeat this to be perfect employees as well as mag- mantra: “This is a really tough time to ical moms and dads before the pan- be a parent. I am doing the best I can. I demic. Now, it’s even more intense. am doing enough. I am enough.” It’s not just the Pinterest board for Second, think about small doses of Halloween costumes, it’s also staying self-care; this could mean a special bath on top of the school assignments, mak- wash for your showers, a three-minute ing lunches and snacks every day, and meditation, or a 10-minute walk by worrying about what social isolation is yourself. Your body needs to restore doing to your toddler or high schooler, given how depleting each day is. Honor all while transitioning to video calls that need. and estrangement from colleagues. There’s also more work stress, between regular interruptions, real or threatened job losses, and irregu- At Allbirds, we’ve continued to en- lar schedules. This is what we heard courage flexibility for all employees, about from readers more than any- but especially for working parents thing else. As Nedra Hutton, in Round with young children at home. We’ve Rock, Texas, put it succinctly: How do blocked out calendars between 8 and 9 you stay sane? I feel like I am failing am to make sure parents can get their everywhere. kids set up in the morning, and we have Across the world in India, an anon- one afternoon a week where we do not ymous reader wrote: My company schedule any meetings at all. We’ve is letting go of employees all over the tried to encourage our parents to block globe. What if it were to happen to me? out their calendars throughout the day It worries me so much that I steal time when they need to be focused on their out of my sleeping hours to give all I children, whether that’s an hour at can to my work because I don’t want to lunch, or thirty minutes at 3 pm when shortchange my toddler on the time he school gets out, or 4 or 5 pm when the deserves. Then I hear everyone saying Amber Coleman-Mortley: When kids want to go outside and play. to exercise and take care of your health. you’re feeling the chaos swirl around Companies cannot create healthy It’s all so daunting. you, take time to close your eyes and boundaries for individuals, however, I empathize with these two read- inhale and exhale. I find myself re- and it is up to each and every one of ers a lot. There is so much to do and peating the “Serenity Prayer” in my us to determine what we need to do to so much worry embedded in all of it. moments of anxiousness. It helps. I take care of ourselves. Self-care comes What can we do? also try to remind myself that there in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and if was an immense amount of pressure you’ve got the ability, time, and mo- on working parents to live up to unre- tivation to jump on your Peloton or alistic standards even before Covid-19. go for a run, then great. And if all you You can disrupt that pressure by focus- can muster right now is taking a deep ing on routines that ground you in well- breath, closing your eyes, and walking ness, gratitude, and self-care. Which away from your computer, blocking off unrealistic rituals, habits, or values can breaks during the day to stretch or take you let go of? Is it having dinner at 6 pm a walk, then that is also great. every night? Or a fixed 8 pm bedtime? Can you relinquish some of the rigidity of routine with attainable rituals like 2. Dealing with family discussions, more hugs, better Interruptions eating habits, family game night, flex- Chances are, all of us have been on ible bedtimes, or reading for pleasure? a conference call or video meeting where a child has made a “guest ap- Laila Tarraf: Let’s try to cut each other pearance.” Our readers asked about some slack. The lines between work dealing with this sort of interruption, and home have blurred, which re- which may be momentarily cute but Becky Kennedy: First, start showing quires all of us — employers and em- can have long-term impacts. yourself an hourly dose of compassion. ployees — to establish stronger bound- Vineeta in Mumbai asked: Because of Self-compassion has the power to aries and practice self-care in a much the pandemic, I’m working from home

Robert Ball transform our worries from intolerable more intentional way. with a one-year-old baby whose feeding

HBR.org The Big Idea 9 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

and other demands cannot be postponed Read your employee manual to see that fathers are somewhat more sus- or preplanned. In my industry, working how it addresses the needs of parents. ceptible than mothers to conforming from home was not a norm before the Are you utilizing the services and pol- to organizational cues about what is pandemic. How can I not be perceived icies available to you? Is there space expected of them in the workplace — as unprofessional if I drop or postpone a for creativity around work hours? How whether these are signaled by their call for sudden baby needs? Would it be are the other working parents man- colleagues or are men’s perception of better to be honest about reasons, or will aging life right now, and is it possible what is “appropriate” behavior in their I be considered a resource who cannot be to create a support group where you workplaces. relied upon? share best practices, tips, and coping Whatever the case, men must step Andria in Centreville, Virginia, also mechanisms? If you don’t have a sup- up and be outspoken allies. Work with asked about managing interruptions: port group at work, try searching your your partner to make the right deci- How can I possibly be productive while industry on Facebook; there are many sions for your family and state your being interrupted and monitoring chil- groups you can join to find support. convictions clearly to your colleagues. dren constantly throughout the day? Lastly, consider how you manage In so doing, you’ll also be making a con- My focus is shifting every 30 minutes, availability on your calendar. Block tribution to greater gender equality. and it is causing real attention burnout. off a few slots each week to prevent Any advice? random meetings being scheduled at Becky Kennedy: I love Kasia Urbaniak’s inopportune times. ideas around responding to inappro- priate questions by asking a question back, as a way of changing the narra- 3. Sharing the Burden tive and power dynamic in the relation- at Home ship. I think that to be truly impactful I really love/hate this question from and effective, the dad here can say an anonymous reader in London, who something like, “Why do you think my wrote about employers’ and colleagues’ wife should do that instead of me?” or gender expectations around caregiving: “Why do you assume that I don’t have My wife does a similar job to me. In childcare responsibilities?” or “What fact, it’s a more senior position. When makes you think I don’t do my fair I am on calls and need to either finish share around the house?” This works early or accommodate childcare, I have really well because it forces the ques- been asked too many times, “What is tioner to address their stereotyping. your wife doing?” or “Can’t your wife do that?” It’s frustrating to hear that this is 4. Layoffs and Job happening, yet we know that moth- Hunts ers are taking on more of the caregiv- We heard from many readers who have ing hours at home. What can people, lost their jobs during the pandemic. Julia Beck: The attention burnout you like this dad, do in these situations? One of them, Lisa Eisensmith in are describing is quite real, and detri- (See “Dads, Commit to Your Family at Lancaster, New York, asked: I was laid mental. We all need time to think, ide- Home and at Work,” on p. 15.) off from my full-time job at the end of ate, and process. Working in a space July. I have two school-aged kids and that is also a school, laundromat, and they are doing part-time in-person restaurant (to name a few) makes that learning this year and part-time vir- impossible. tual. Meanwhile, I’m looking for a new My short answer is to find space job. How do I address this situation in an where you can’t and won’t be inter- interview? If I do get the position, how rupted. Removing yourself from all of do I address the school situation with the constant variables improves pro- the new employer? ductivity and protects your mental We also heard from readers who health and well-being. are concerned about their positions at their companies, given their par- Amber Coleman-Mortley: Communi- enting responsibilities. An anony- cation with your supervisor and your mous reader in Dallas, Texas, wrote: team are paramount. Be clear about We arranged our lives to make work your needs and request clarity regard- the top priority by sending our kids ing theirs, then spend time working to school and after-school care in or- through a strategy that will best sup- der to not interrupt the workday. Now port everyone in an equitable way. Brad Harrington: It’s time for men to we are forced to divide our loyalties as Are there small adjustments that can address outdated gender bias like this. the demands of online school and vir- help, such as staying off-camera and Our research at the Boston College tual work are more intense than ever.

Robert Ball on mute until absolutely necessary? Center for Work & Families has shown I’m concerned that companies will

HBR.org The Big Idea 10 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic prioritize hiring and promoting em- might find that their manager and issues and explain that work is how ployees without kids and leaving the organization are, for the most part, we support our families financially. parents behind. newly understanding. After all, when If you enjoy what you do, share that These two questions really go to employees find ways to creatively joy with your child. If you are not the heart of how parenting and work- compromise, employers do too! enjoying work, discuss how you ing has shifted so dramatically, while pursue life passions and enjoyment our workplaces themselves (and their elsewhere. norms and priorities) maybe haven’t. 5. What Kids Are How should you manage this tension? Learning About Work Becky Kennedy: Rather than getting There was an interesting thread in really good at getting things right the Laila Tarraf: Few companies view par- the responses about how kids are ex- first time, make it your goal to get re- ents as less desirable than nonparents; periencing work right now. (There’s a ally good at repair. This means instead Covid will eventually go away, and I discussion and art activity for parents of telling yourself, “I won’t yell at my would think that most companies take and kids to do together in “How to child today,” tell yourself, “I will repair a longer-term view. Talk to Your Kids About Work During if I yell at my child today.” Here’s what When interviewing for a job, I the Pandemic,” on p. 36. ) a good repair looks like: “Hey, sweetie. don’t think it serves you to conceal I was really struck by these two Earlier today, I yelled at you. You were your parenting situation, especially if comments. The first is from Roxana right to notice that and I’m sure that your role will start out being remote. Contreras in Lima, Peru: I have no- felt bad. Just like you sometimes have Perhaps you can broach the subject ticed that my child (three years old) is big feelings, Mommy does too, and with prospective employers by ask- associating “have to work” with a “sad I’m working on staying calmer even ing what kinds of practices and pro- moment,” even when I tell him that I when I’m having a hard time. I love tocols they currently have in place. love what I do. He just wants to play, you so much.” Most companies have had to adjust and it is difficult for him to understand how they work, so asking questions that Mom and Dad can’t play whenever around expectations and how exist- he wants. 6. When Guilt Runs ing employees are balancing family Similarly, Derya, in Dubai, asked: Rampant and work will give you a sense if the My daughter sees that when I am work- Many readers wrote in wondering company is a good fit for you. ing, I am stressed, unhappy, anxious. I about how to handle guilt. constantly blame myself for not being Andrew, in Orlando, Florida, wrote Julia Beck: Working — during a pan- able to hide my emotions from her and about the guilt he feels in sending his demic or not — requires full focus and that I respond to her angrily whenever son to school when he worries that it an ability to turn on the creativity with- she enters the room and I am on a call. is unsafe; Laura, in Alberta, Canada, out limitation or anxiety. Your overall I worry that she will link work with un- wrote about the guilt she feels know- home environment might not be ideal happiness or stress or anger. How can I ing what her kids are missing out on for launching a job search or attending tackle my emotions? And am I teaching during the pandemic; others wrote an important meeting, but can you find her that working is unpleasant? about feeling personally guilty about or make moments when it is? making a decision to quit their job in For example, Peggy, a San Francisco– Amber Coleman-Mortley: For any order to manage their household. based fintech executive, told me that toddler, work or any activity that Many more responses echoed the her go-to spot through the job search doesn’t involve them will seem like feelings of this anonymous reader in was her car parked in a peaceful spot an obstacle. Three is a challenging age Ashburn, Virginia, who wrote: There is on the Embarcadero where she would to learn how to wait and respect other a constant sense of guilt juggling a full- work for two to three hours a day. When people’s time and space, but it’s none- time demanding job and making time she landed a position, she worked out theless doable and important. for the kids, which eventually leads to low-cost deals to find the space she My advice is to set a time limit and us giving 200% at work and at home — needed away from kids as she estab- ask your child to come back and check and it is mentally very exhausting. lished herself within her new organi- up on you or give you a hug when the I feel this so much. What can we do zation (a friend’s vacant apartment, timer goes off. Sometimes young chil- with those feelings of guilt? What do for example, or well-priced Airbnbs). dren just crave closeness; if possible, they mean? Is it possible to not feel Eventually, she found a way to work create space for your toddler to work guilty right now? from the backyard of her home. alongside you on a tablet for a specific Many people are going to be sur- amount of time. Becky Kennedy: Here’s what’s import- prised by how much the flexibility Regarding negative emotions as- ant to keep in mind: When the world introduced by Covid will become a sociated with work, the most import- changes, we have to change. Well, ac- norm. Given this pivot, the reader ant question is: How do you view the tually, we do something more complex: who wrote about arranging childcare purpose of work in your life and for We adapt. Adaptation is the process around uninterrupted work hours your family? You need to reconcile by which an organism becomes better might begin to think about what ar- that before talking to your child. As suited to its environment. If you are ranging childcare and work around our children get older, we should making different parenting decisions family needs would look like. They have conversations about these than you did months ago, this is a sign

HBR.org The Big Idea 11 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic of your ability to adapt. It’s a sign of takes, but when I’m alone with my own family life, my child’s education, and strength, and it’s necessary for survival. thoughts I worry about all the uncer- our health to suffer, and, for the first tainty of our lives. How do I deal with all time in my adult life, I resent being a Brad Harrington: Given the circum- the uncertainty? I’m struggling, and all I working parent. stances we are all facing now, guilt is have is me to depend upon. the last thing any of us should be feel- Amber Coleman-Mortley: No one is ing. Our workplace needs us, but so do Becky Kennedy: Here’s something getting straight A’s or a promotion for our children, and often their needs are powerful to know about anxiety and being a “great mom.” Just be the best more pressing — and, frankly, over the worry: Anxiety comes from underes- that you can be at a given moment, long term, more important. timating our ability to cope with some which changes throughout the day, the Never has there been a more import- future unknown. week, the month. It means accepting ant time to show understanding and We often try to overcome anxiety by that “control” is no longer a parenting empathy for those in challenging sit- addressing the uncertainty — trying to goal. The goal might be growth or just uations. Managers and organizations plan things out and preempt problems. surviving through the day. need to offer flexible work arrange- But since we can’t control the future, Here are a few suggestions: ments wherever possible. That in- this doesn’t work. A better strategy • Get any old-enough kids involved cludes working from home if kids can- is to work on our coping abilities and in helping out around the house. not go to day care or school. Maybe it’s our estimation of how effective they They won’t perform the tasks you impossible to work Monday through will be. The next time you feel a pang delegate perfectly, but you’ll have Friday, 9 to 5, right now, but letting of anxiety, try this for self-talk: “I can to learn to be okay with that. people manage their hours differently cope with hard things. I always have and • Get creative with learning time. Can can be a big help. If you are fortunate I always will” or “I will be able to cope family members — older cousins, to have a partner, such arrangements with that if it happens.” Remind your- aunts, uncles, grandparents, or could allow spouses to spell one an- self of your resilience. family friends — spend 20 or 30 other over the course of the week. minutes on Zoom or FaceTime Laila Tarraf: When I find myself going reading to your four-year-old? Amber Coleman-Mortley: Disappoint- down a rabbit hole, I try to notice what • Consider how your kids benefit ing our children is going to happen, is going right, and what there is to be from you being a working parent. whether there’s a pandemic or not. No grateful for, even if it’s just clean air What can you teach them about matter how hard we work, our kids may and a roof over my head. the love, patience, and ingenuity still grow up and feel that they should If you’re in a place in your life right that is required to balance a career have received one more hug, toy, or now where you can’t talk yourself out and a family? Eliminate negative smile. That is a reality that all parents of anxiety and don’t feel like you can messages and people from your must live with. rely on friends or family to help you, life. Are those perfect Pins and Once you begin to grapple with that, consider reaching out to a mental Instagram photos fueling your you can put the feelings of guilt in per- health professional or a support group. feelings of inadequacy? You have spective. Explore what is at the root the power to unfollow, hit the off of your guilt. If you’re attempting to button, and disengage when it create a world where your child feels 8. Avoiding comes to upsetting content and no pain or experiences no discomfort, Resentment people. good luck. This is completely unsus- An anonymous reader in Washington, tainable for you, and it sets your child DC, wrote: I pride myself on being de- Remember that this period will rep- up for unreasonable expectations of pendable and reliable — to my family, resent only a small percentage of a very the world and even their future part- my employees, and the students my com- long career and family time line. Yes, ner. If your guilt is rooted in your ego or pany serves — and capable of wearing working parenthood is messy and im- how you measure your worth, begin to multiple hats throughout the day. This perfect. But it is also very rewarding. explore your value as a constant in the pandemic has forced me to question ev- universe not contingent on whether erything that I once prided myself on. Laura Amico is a senior editor at you’ve completed a task “successfully.” I can’t teach my four-year-old daugh- Harvard Business Review. ter to read while hosting a Zoom webi- nar. I can’t have an earnest conversation 7. Dealing with with a funder while my daughter cries Uncertainty in the background. And I can’t adhere An anonymous reader in Boynton to my family’s doctor-prescribed diet Beach, Florida, wrote: My son had while shopping for our groceries online. Covid in April. Thank goodness that he But that’s what this pandemic expects survived that. He was quarantined at of me. home with me being his sole caretaker. I’m afraid to give less than 100% at I’m a single mother with no support work for fear of losing our largest source system or family. I need to be strong for of income and our health insurance. my son, and I will be no matter what it So, out of necessity, I’m allowing my

HBR.org The Big Idea 12 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

8 Ways to Build an Employee Resource Group for Parents Focus your efforts and make them stick. by Daisy Dowling

Covid-19 has created a working-parent crisis (see phenomenon, and in many organizations they’re “A Way Forward for Working Parents,” on p. 2). informal and grassroots in nature. This means Since you’re reading this, you’re probably an HR there’s simply no playbook for the complex pro- practitioner, senior leader, or enterprising parent cess of starting up and running one. who wants to get your organization’s employee Yet the stakes are high: chances are good that resource group (ERG) for employees with children you’re either personally committed or under up and running — or make the one that’s already institutional pressure to do something for col- in place more visible, active, and useful. But you’re leagues who are combining children and career. probably also (circle all that apply): And if your organization exits the pandemic without getting anything in place, it could be- • Not sure what to do, practically speaking come a risk for your employer brand. (Do you re- • Concerned about overpromising or about not ally want to be known as a company that, in the meeting employee expectations face of this crisis, didn’t demonstrably support • Thin on resources (time, money, staff) its caregivers?) • Uncertain of best practices or what other Instead of hesitating any further or pushing companies are doing yourself to come up with a comprehensive five- • Debating how the group should be structured, year plan, let’s map out your next steps, keep- sponsored, or marketed ing things efficient and simple. The eight ques- • Already managing several ERGs and unsure tions below are our prompts. These aren’t the how this one should fit in only considerations in setting up a high-impact And thus you’re left hesitating — and you’re not group, of course, but they are core and immedi-

Alex Eben Meyer Alex alone. Working-parent ERGs are a last-few-years ate. And whether you’re the sole human-capital

HBR.org The Big Idea 13 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic practitioner at a startup, part of an ERG What’s the right medium? Given how actually do for you.” If senior leader- committee at a large multinational, or your organization gets work done and ship is supportive of working parents, have any other role in shaping a work- where you are eight months into the have a member of the C-team make ing-parent group, they’ll help you pandemic, think about the best ways welcoming remarks at the next online hone in on key decisions, push past to reach your working parents. If long session. In other words, use your ERG obstacles, and get into action mode. hours and Zoom calls are the norm, to make positive messages louder. maybe caregivers won’t want to be on- What’s a reasonable right-now goal? screen for a seminar session, and a Q&A What can we do in the next two Your ERG can’t end the pandemic or on a messaging platform is a better bet. weeks? Pick specific actions that would solve all the working-parent problems Maybe peer-to-peer outreach or small be the most immediately feasible and it has created. But it can set some spe- group discussion among parents fac- the most powerful in developing your cific goals and start moving toward ing similar challenges (distance learn- ERG. Then commit to getting them them. For example, it might suc- ing, parenting toddlers) will be more done — soon. cessfully make clear that leadership powerful than large group events. The Still daunted? Remember: the an- is committed to helping employees guiding words here are accessible, easy, swers to these questions don’t have to through the crisis; identify ways your effective, and fast. be perfect or final. In fact, you’ll want colleagues are “making it work” — and to revisit them over time to keep mo- share those techniques so they become What are the top working-parent mentum, keep the network relevant, common knowledge; or, for mothers needs right now? Distance learning, and continue providing value. Your and fathers who are working remotely, scheduling, boundary-setting, and response to “What’s the right me- connect them to one another so they self-care are likely top of mind for your dium?” will likely change as the Covid have a stronger support network. colleagues. But there may also be other situation does, for example. And re- concerns — less discussed but equally visiting the last question will help you What efforts are already working? present — like how to talk to managers avoid the all-too-common situation Identify what’s going well, and scale and colleagues about caregiving pres- of launching your network with a big, up from there. Maybe there’s an in- sures, or how to feel and stay in charge senior-leader-heavy splash…and then formal dads’ group that has been of career matters heading into 2021. losing momentum (and credibility) meeting for a few years over lunches Ensure that you’ve got a finger on the after. With your attention on the right in the conference room. If so, broaden pulse of the group. That could happen things, you’ll be able to make your it out by organizing informal caregiver by surveying people anonymously, working-parents group a sustained discussion hours over Zoom. Maybe gathering insight from frontline man- success. there’s a working-parents Slack chan- agers, setting up a focus group, or, nel that people use regularly. Set up best of all, simply asking a few care- Daisy Dowling is the founder and subgroups for parents who are manag- giver colleagues about their needs. CEO of Workparent, a specialty ing distance learning, grappling with Whatever issues they raise, organize coaching and advisory firm focused eldercare, or facing other challenges. the ERG’s efforts and programming on working parents. She is the And if speaker-led events in your around them. author of Workparent: The Complete company’s ERGs have proven popu- Guide to Succeeding on the Job, lar, do more of them — and focus on What resources can we access or Staying True to Yourself, and Raising parents’ right-now concerns. borrow? All right, so maybe you don’t Happy Kids, forthcoming from have the budget to bring in outside Harvard Business Review Press in Is the face of the effort inclusive speakers or the time to set up a new May 2021. and relatable? You might be fortu- company intranet page. But what nate enough to have an active ERG about putting together a panel of em- with one or more senior executive ployees who have changed care ar- sponsors. That’s great; it sends a rangements during the pandemic and powerful message from the top. What are willing to talk about their experi- it might not do, however, is allow ences? Or having someone from IT do a all employees with children to see session on the best apps and tech hacks themselves in the effort. Remember, for parents and caregivers? Or pointing working parents come in all types: your membership toward a distance male, female, biological, adoptive, learning survival guide? There are any gay, straight, from every conceivable number of ways to provide value with background, from all parts of the or- your current budget and head count. ganization, and from every income level. If the ERG’s leadership doesn’t What can we amplify? If your orga- reflect this range, it may be time to nization has good family benefits in add a sponsor, create (or broaden) an place, the working-parent ERG should ERG committee, or seek out different actively showcase them, such as with event hosts — and to deliberately use a distribution to members on “what language that signals inclusion. the employee assistance program can

HBR.org The Big Idea 14 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Dads, Commit to Your Family at Home and at Work Men want to step up. Here are four places to start. by Haley Swenson, Eve Rodsky, David G. Smith, and W. Brad Johnson

In Salt Lake City, Richard, a food distribution U.S. parents face the pandemic with a tattered representative, started keeping a journal on his social safety net, no federal childcare infrastruc- phone to remember the little moments he has ture, and no mandatory paid leave or sick days to spent with his kids since he began working from help them ride out the pandemic (see “The Free home while his wife, Melissa, works as a nurse in Market Has Failed U.S. Working Parents,” on p. a Covid-19 unit. 19). A recent index ranked the U.S. second to last Lloyed, a software developer and startup in terms of being supportive of raising a family. founder whose wife is an emergency room physi- The often “invisible,” difficult, and important cian and professor, says that one of his key take- work of caring for kids and households has be- aways from the current crisis is the importance of come more visible than ever, including in our family. “Bonding with the kids — not just taking own homes. them to school — and providing emotional support The coronavirus pandemic reignites a trend for my superhero partner after [her] long shifts is that started decades ago: Fathers in the United definitely something I’ve come to appreciate.” States are increasingly recognizing the value of So much has changed for families across the participating in everyday work caring for, edu- United States over the past six months. Some cating, and raising their children. But changing parents now work from home, while others brave long-standing social dynamics doesn’t happen their way to essential workplaces. Childcare pro- overnight or without conscious effort. So far, viders are closing, schools fluctuate between women, and specifically working mothers, have remote, hybrid, and in-person options, and been hit hardest by the economic downturn, both emergency benefits like paid leave are expiring. because they tend to work in the most affected

Alex Eben Meyer Alex Unlike their peers in other wealthy countries, industries, like retail and hospitality, and because

HBR.org The Big Idea 15 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic they often have to choose between keeping their jobs and caring for their Mothers Are More Likely to Take on kids. It is critical that men engage as Daily Tasks Compared to Fathers fully as possible in sharing the work at home. This should start with an honest Without dads doing a more equitable share of this assessment of where progress is happening, and where it has stalled. work — especially during the pandemic — moms will continue to strule with that “double shift” of paid and Where Dads Are — and unpaid labor, which both maintains gender inequities Aren’t — Contributing and creates psychological distress and burnout. A pre-pandemic study from the Better Life Lab at New America found that Percent who say they do these fathers were already valuing their fa- childcare activities on a daily basis: milial role like never before. The study, which included a nationally represen- FATHERS MOTHERS tative survey of men and women from across the United States and five online focus groups, set out to determine Make meals or feed children what aspects of fathering participants 76% deem “very important” — and the answers are surprising. Though the no- 94% tion of dads as financial providers has traditionally prevailed as their main Comfort, soothe, and provide emotional support contribution to their kids, this priority fell toward the bottom of the list. At the 73% top were “showing love and affection” 89% and “teaching the child about life.” And the vast majority of fathers re- Provide transportation ported engaging in a variety of parenting tasks on a daily basis, from cooking 70% meals and handling certain household 83% chores to providing transportation and soothing and nurturing them. Other research has shown that since the 1970s, Play with children fathers have tripled the amount of time 65% they spend in the unpaid work of tend- 70% ing to their kids and home. While this is certainly progress, fathers, on average, still do only around Handle household chores half of the unpaid work that mothers 59% do. While parents of both genders in 75% the Better Life Lab study said they played with their kids on a daily basis at about the same rates, moms were Manage schedules or activities more likely to take on all the other 54% tasks every day. Without dads doing a more equitable 74% share of this work — especially during the pandemic — moms will continue to Discipline children struggle with that “double shift” of paid 52% and unpaid labor, which both maintains gender inequities and creates psycho- 67% logical distress and burnout. So where do fathers need to step up? Take part in educational activities The biggest gaps between what moms and dads say they do for their kids is in 51% helping with education and managing 71% schedules and other activities. This finding reflects something researchers have long noted: Some parenting tasks Source: Better Life Lab at New America, 2020

HBR.org The Big Idea 16 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic are less visible and come with a higher the time-intensive housework and conversations at work. Despite the “mental load” than others — and childcare traditionally shouldered by stigma associated with men taking ad- mothers are more likely to be respon- women shouldn’t be a life sentence vantage of parental leave, family sick sible for them. One recent study found for one person or determined by a leave, and flexible work arrangements, that women reported doing more “cog- gender role. This will result in a fair now is the time for men to initiate con- nitive labor” for the family — such as rather than even split — and studies versations with managers and bosses anticipating needs (The kids are due for have shown that perceived fairness about access to these benefits. annual physicals), monitoring prog- by both parties is a stronger predictor If you don’t know if you’re ready ress (Are they up to date on all of their of a healthy marriage than the actual to advocate for yourself, build a coa- boosters?), identifying options (What division of domestic labor. lition of fathers within your organi- day are they free for appointments?), What does this look like, in prac- zation to create consensus and speak and making decisions (We’ll make the tical terms? Approaching these con- with a collective voice. Talk to your appointment for the Friday after next). versations with your partner using an work colleagues. Josh Levs, author of This work is time-consuming and of- ownership mindset is key to fairness. If All In, suggests that it’s very helpful ten exhausting. Worse, fathers report it’s your job to handle your kids’ extra- when men just strike up a conversation little awareness of it, which can have curricular sports, it’s not just showing with women or other men in the work- deleterious effects on marital relation- up every Saturday to the Little League place and say something like, “Hey, ships and mothers’ paid work. As 2020 field. It’s also submitting medical I’m having trouble figuring out how comes to a close — with many families forms, picking up uniforms, ordering to get my kid to school before work. still lacking full-time, in-person child- cleats (and then returning them when How do you do it?” And when you de- care and schooling due to the pan- they don’t fit), remembering to pack cide to approach your boss, know your demic — this problem has intensified. the kids’ sunscreen and water bottles, company’s policies, have a plan, and and arranging carpools for practice. be realistic in setting boundaries Solutions for Families and expectations. What will it take to get more men in- Collaborate with your partner in volved in household work, both vis- advance on short-term and long- Solutions for ible and invisible, now and after the term decision-making. Making pandemic ends? First, men need to intentional choices and customizing Organizations recognize what they’re not doing and your defaults about who does what Individual actions can help a great add it to their to-do lists. Here are some decreases daily decision fatigue deal, but they’re not enough. Just as actions that fathers can take to help and allows you to make intentional important is support from organiza- themselves and their families: choices together. Specifically, tional leaders. Companies must rec- contracts between couples can be ognize that, for individual well-being Acknowledge the aspiration execu- used to set expectations in advance. and the health of our society, an hour tion gap. While most fathers believe There is life-changing magic in this holding a child’s hand at the pediatri- they’re sharing equitably in unpaid kind of short- and long-term thinking. cian’s office should be valued as highly work at home, evidence clearly shows Life becomes a lot easier if you know as an hour in the boardroom. Here are that they’re not. Initiate an honest who is setting the dinner table before some ways that bosses can help work- conversation with your partner about anyone is hangry. ing dads be all-in allies at home: who does what, and how much time things take. According to research in Support your partner’s career un- Don’t assume that fathers have a Fair Play, a book written by one of our conditionally. Research shows that stay-at-home partner. Many men coauthors, Eve Rodsky, the biggest in the long term, successful dual-ca- have full-time working partners or are hurdle to these types of conversations reer couples trade off in prioritizing single parents. Managers often apply is being hesitant to initiate an invita- one partner’s career over the other’s an outdated ideal-worker norm that as- tion to sit down with your partner for throughout their working lives to- sumes modern fathers don’t have fam- fear of being “rejected,” “dismissed,” gether. In particular, male partners ily responsibilities. This pressures dads or “misunderstood.” Using a gamified in hetero cisgender relationships, into prioritizing paid work and neglect- invitation tool can bring levity and re- who may be used to more traditional ing their home life. Managers who un- move emotion from the conversation. gender roles and scripts, can initiate derstand this will be more likely to set conversations about how to plan for clear boundaries around professional Aim for equity, rather than a 50/50 these moments to show support for responsibilities so employees aren’t split. Eve also argues that the focus their partners’ career demands and forced to choose. should be on each partner “own- responsibilities. If you find career One example is setting blocks of ing” a set of domestic responsibili- demands are higher for your spouse, time when meetings can be sched- ties — from conception to planning adjust your own career and support uled, so working dads have the flexi- through execution. Discuss and them unconditionally. bility to be involved in childcare and agree in advance on the value of each homeschooling. It’s also important task. Then decide who should do Speak up at work. Sticking to your to understand and explain when what based on availability, capabil- long-term vision for equity in your and why a task is truly urgent — if it ity, and an understanding that doing partnership may require difficult has dire business consequences, for

HBR.org The Big Idea 17 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic example — and when a more flexible are going and fine-tuning along the should not bear the weight of the on- deadline may be acceptable. way,” says Joan Williams, coauthor going pandemic alone. In the absence Role-model what parenting looks like. of What Works for Women at Work. of a robust public infrastructure to help Recognize that what you say and do “Often, that’s enough to show a recal- them weather this storm, or to nudge as a leader impacts others. When you citrant manager that what you are sug- men into more active roles at home, celebrate people who work late nights, gesting in fact will work well.” working fathers and employers in the long hours, and weekends, you’re Doing this can even pay off for U.S. have a unique opportunity to cre- sending a clear message about what parents outside your workplace. ate change themselves. Fathers say you expect. According to PL+US, an organization they’re ready to engage more at home, In the book Good Guys (written by that advocates for national paid fam- and the pandemic has created an ur- two of our coauthors, David G. Smith ily and medical leave, one of the most gent need to have men and women and W. Brad Johnson), senior male effective things leaders can do is share alike involved. The time for action is leaders who were considered good their business’s learning about effec- now: Gender equality can’t wait for the role models at their offices consciously tive approaches for supporting families pandemic to end. talked about their families and had pic- in the workplace. By doing so, policy tures of them on display in their work- makers can benefit from your expertise Haley Swenson is an expert on space. Alexis Ohanian, the founder of to inform the laws and programs they work, gender, and inequality and Redditt and CEO of Initialized Capital, put in place to help everyone. the deputy director of the Better talks openly and proudly about his role Life Lab, a work-life justice policy as the husband of tennis star Serena Support options for affordable ac- program based at the nonpartisan Williams and the father of their daugh- cess to childcare. Especially in the think tank New America. She is the ter, Olympia. When Olympia was born, current Covid-19 crisis, accessible author of the recent report “Engaged he took 16 weeks of paid parental and affordable childcare options are Dads and the Opportunities for and leave. Overhauling family-supportive critical to businesses. Be a vocal ad- Barriers to Equal Parenting in the policies at his companies has gone vocate in your company’s efforts to United States.” hand in hand with normalizing work- find feasible solutions that work for ing fatherhood in those same compa- dads and moms. This will become Eve Rodsky is a lawyer and the nies and beyond. more important over time, as access founder of the Philanthropy Advisory These men didn’t hide their par- to childcare will be necessary for re- Group, which advises high-net- enting priorities, responsibilities, and cruiting the youngest generation of worth families and charitable commitments. Rather, when taking workers. Survey results from Next100 foundations on best practices for time off for them, they made a point and GenForward show that affordable harmonious operations, governance, to announce it as a way of regularizing high-quality childcare is a top priority and disposition of funds. She is the behavior. for Millennials and Gen Zers. the author of Fair Play: A Game- What might potential solutions look Changing Solution for When You Champion flexible work arrange- like? Since May, for example, the parent- Have Too Much to Do (and More Life ments, paid sick leave, and generous, ing benefits company Cleo has collabo- to Live). paid parental and family leave. If rated with Urban Sitter to work directly your company already offers these with employers to provide employees David G. Smith is a professor benefits and programs, find out how support in finding a qualified caregiver of sociology in the College of they’re working for fathers, mothers, or co-op for their children. Additionally, Leadership and Ethics at the United and other caregivers. Encourage male companies like Apple and Microsoft are States Naval War College. He is the leaders to take advantage of them, subsidizing backup childcare for some coauthor, with W. Brad Johnson, of as they tend to be perceived as being employees or even reimbursing em- Good Guys: How Men Can Be Better only for women (often penalizing ployees for their own caregivers. Allies for Women in the Workplace them in the process) and therefore Further, if your company has influ- and Athena Rising: How and Why stigmatizing for men. ence with state or federal government Men Should Mentor Women. Then, take it a step further: Track policy makers, ask senior leaders to and review how often these benefits lobby for childcare programs that W. Brad Johnson is a professor of are used. You may discover that some help more parents return to work. In psychology in the Department of managers don’t allow their employees June, for example, 41 local and state Leadership, Ethics, and Law at to use them, despite company policy. Chambers of Commerce wrote to the United States Naval Academy Once you can see where the policy is Congress asking for financial relief and a faculty associate in the being ignored or underutilized, it’s for the nation’s childcare providers, Graduate School of Education at easier to see where changes need to around half of whom say they may be Johns Hopkins University. He is the be made. “If the company policy is forced to close permanently. coauthor of Good Guys: How Men to allow flexible work arrangements, Can Be Better Allies for Women . . . but your manager says no, one ap- in the Workplace, Athena Rising: proach is to suggest that you pilot the These issues mark only a few of the in- How and Why Men Should Mentor new arrangement for a few months, credible challenges families confront Women, The Elements of Mentoring, with a few check-ins to see how things as 2021 fast approaches. And women and other books on mentorship.

HBR.org The Big Idea 18 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

The Free Market Has Failed U.S. Working Parents New federal policies for paid leave, quality and affordable childcare, fair work schedules, and living wages are more important than ever. by Caitlyn Collins

Amid the grim landscape of the pandemic and generation. Their solutions differ, but other the U.S. election, I see one bright light: American societies agree that the public sector has a re- parents have finally realized that the government sponsibility to help reconcile work and family can and should do far more to support them at demands. work and at home. I study the experiences of In the United States, by contrast, our empha- working parents in different countries, so friends sis on free markets and our fixation on personal keep asking me, “Is it this bad everywhere?” My responsibility means that we lack any coherent answer is no. Absolutely not. work-family policy to support caregiving. We Other Western industrialized countries have have no universal health care. No universal child- long understood the idea that supportive social care. No universal social insurance entitlement. policy improves the well-being of their citizens. No guaranteed basic income. No paid parental After all, citizens are former, current, and fu- leave or illness leave. No federal mandate to ture workers and taxpayers. Every nation de- compel employers to offer supportive policies to pends on people’s paid labor in the workforce workers with dependent care responsibilities —

Sarah L.Sarah Voisin/The via Getty Washington Post Images and unpaid labor at home to produce the next not even a single vacation or sick day.

HBR.org The Big Idea 19 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

This free-market approach has failed Yes, working parents can find indi- combination) more than 50% of their families spectacularly. Americans are vidualized solutions — or, more likely, previous earnings, and in several they among the most stressed-out people on temporary work-arounds — and com- get 100%. In some places, entitlements the planet. The happiness gap between panies can certainly do more to help. to paid maternity leave extend to more parents and nonparents is wider here But there is an aspect of these strug- than six months. Mothers in the United than in any other country belonging gles that only public policy can solve. Kingdom get nine months of paid to the Organisation for Economic Co- For parents eager to push for change — leave at about 30% of their previous operation and Development (OECD). and for organizations serious about earnings. Paid paternity leave across We have one of the biggest wage gaps supporting them — which national the OECD tends to be shorter than between employed women and men, policies are important to lobby for? maternity leave. The average is eight and it’s even wider when we look spe- The evidence points to laws address- weeks, but eight countries offer 13 or cifically at women of color; this ineq- ing four basic needs. more weeks. Japan and Korea have uity diminishes the economic resources the longest paternity leave, at about available to women’s families. And our 52 weeks. Japan’s payment rate is the children are suffering. One in five live in 1. Paid Leave to most substantial for this lengthy leave, poverty: a staggering one in three Black Manage Family at roughly 58% of previous gross pay. children and one in four Hispanic chil- Health and Well- Research shows that paid leave dren, compared with one in 10 white Being policy is not an economic drain; in children. Roughly one in seven house- fact, it saves companies money and is holds with children report not having All workers will inevitably need time therefore good for the bottom line. It enough to eat on a regular basis. off to tend to important family and also reduces turnover and improves The pandemic has made a bad situ- medical issues, and to spend quality morale, productivity, loyalty, and ation worse. time together. To be successful, this retention. Some U.S. employers rec- Families are feeling the stress. When form of paid leave has to be accessible ognize this and offer paid parental schools and day cares closed, essential to everyone; cover all families; and leave, but not nearly enough: Only workers — disproportionately women be sustainable, affordable, and cost- 20% of workers currently have access of color — were forced to find other effective for taxpayers, employers, and to it through their jobs. Among low- options for their children or quit their workers alike. In the U.S., it should take er-wage employees, that figure drops jobs. Those able to work from home three forms: to 8%. And, even with companies that found themselves juggling their work do offer paid leave, a major shortcom- and their kids’ needs, including over- Family and medical leave. The only ing is that most do not explicitly set seeing virtual education. And em- federal work-family law currently on aside job-protected, paid time for both ployed mothers have been hit hardest. the books is the Family and Medical mothers and fathers (that is, maternity In April and May, mothers working Leave Act (FMLA). Passed in 1993, after and paternity leave). from home reported feeling anxious, nine years of political wrangling, it al- Why is this distinction important? depressed, and lonely at significantly lows eligible workers up to 12 weeks of Because when a policy is left gender higher rates than fathers in the same unpaid, job-protected time away from neutral, it is typically women who take position. A new working paper reveals their work to care for a new or recently the leave. This means that women are that losing access to childcare and par- adopted child or a seriously ill family more likely to become primary care- ticipating in homeschooling increase member or to recover from a personal givers of children from the outset and mothers’ risk of unemployment and illness. This law was a landmark vic- experience disproportionate economic reduced work hours. Colleagues and I tory, and Americans have used it at consequences for doing so. Setting found that U.S. moms with young chil- least 200 million times since. But 44% aside time for each parent has lasting dren have reduced their work hours of U.S. workers remain ineligible be- positive effects: Men who take pater- four to five times more than dads cause FMLA only applies to businesses nity leave show increased involvement during the pandemic. The Bureau of with more than 50 employees and to with their kids in subsequent years. A Labor Statistics reports that four times workers on the job for 12 months and high-wage replacement, something as many women as men are leaving the 1,250 hours. Many more can’t afford to the FMLA and some company plans workforce. Also deeply disturbing is take unpaid leave. lack, also enables and incentivizes par- that economic and racial disparities are When it comes to paid leave for ents — and especially men — to take widening in the pandemic: The wealth mothers and fathers, specifically, the this time. of America’s billionaires has soared United States stands alone among One policy solution is the FAMILY during Covid-19, while food insecurity OECD countries for its lack of feder- Act, which would create a national has tripled among households with ally mandated maternity leave, and it family and medical leave insurance children. Black and Hispanic families is one of seven that offer no paternity program funded through a payroll are twice as likely to struggle to afford leave. Mothers are entitled to about tax, much like Social Security. First food as similar white families today. 18 weeks of maternity leave, on av- introduced in 2013, and finally pro- This deliberate privation is unten- erage, in the OECD. Most offer addi- gressing to a U.S. House Ways and able. And it’s time for us — voters, tional parental and home care leave. Means hearing in February 2020, the workers, and the employers who rely In most countries moms receive (from FAMILY Act would give workers 66% on them — to do something about it. the government, their employers, or a of their monthly wages (to a cap) for up

HBR.org The Big Idea 20 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Parental Leave for Mothers and Fathers Around the World In most OECD countries, mothers receive around 18 weeks of leave, with a percentage of their wages paid. Fathers receive signiﬁcantly less time off. The United States is an outlier for its lack of paid leave altogether.

Paid leave available to mothers, 2018 (weeks) Paid leave reserved for fathers, 2018 (weeks)

MATERNITY PARENTAL AND PARENTAL AND LEAVE HOME CARE LEAVE HOME CARE LEAVE TOTAL PAID LEAVE TOTAL PAID LEAVE AVERAGE PAY RATE PATERNITY LEAVE AVERAGE PAY RATE Estonia 166.0 50.8% Estonia 2.0 100.0% Slovak Republic 164.0 32.4 Slovak Republic – – Finland 161.0 25.1 Finland 9.0 62.9 Hungary 160.0 42.6 Hungary 1.0 100.0 Bulgaria 110.4 63.1 Bulgaria 2.1 90.0 Romania 108.7 – Romania 5.3 – Latvia 94.0 54.9 Latvia 1.4 80.0 Norway 91.0 47.3 Norway 10.0 94.2 EU average 65.8 – EU average 6.3 – Korea 64.9 38.8 Korea 52.6 29.3 Czech Republic 63.3 74.1 Czech Republic 1.0 61.0 Lithuania 62.0 100.0 Lithuania 4.0 100.0 Austria 60.0 82.3 Austria 8.7 75.8 Germany 58.0 73.4 Germany 8.7 65.0 Japan 58.0 61.6 Japan 52.0 58.4 Croatia 56.0 73.1 Croatia 8.7 42.1 Sweden 55.7 62.1 Sweden 14.3 75.7 OECD average 53.9 – OECD average 8.1 – Slovenia 52.1 92.9 Slovenia 4.3 90.0 Poland 52.0 80.0 Poland 2.0 100.0 Canada 51.0 52.1 Canada – – Denmark 50.0 53.0 Denmark 2.0 53.0 Italy 47.7 52.7 Italy 0.8 100.0 Greece 43.0 49.5 Greece 0.4 100.0 France 42.0 42.9 France 28.0 19.2 United Kingdom 39.0 30.1 United Kingdom 2.0 19.2 Luxembourg 37.3 84.8 Luxembourg 19.3 70.6 Belgium 32.3 40.4 Belgium 19.3 25.7 Portugal 30.1 67.7 Portugal 22.3 56.3 Chile 30.0 100.0 Chile 1.0 100.0 Iceland 26.0 68.2 Iceland 13.0 68.2 Ireland 26.0 26.7 Ireland 2.0 26.7 Australia 18.0 42.9 Australia 2.0 42.9 New Zealand 18.0 46.8 New Zealand – – Cyprus 18.0 75.1 Cyprus 2.0 75.1 Malta 18.0 86.3 Malta 0.2 100.0 Costa Rica 17.3 100.0 Costa Rica – – Netherlands 16.0 100.0 Netherlands 0.4 100.0 Spain 16.0 100.0 Spain 4.3 100.0 Turkey 16.0 66.7 Turkey 1.0 100.0 Israel 15.0 100.0 Israel – – Switzerland 14.0 58.4 Switzerland – – Mexico 12.0 100.0 Mexico 1.0 100.0 United States – – United States – –

Source: OECD

HBR.org The Big Idea 21 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic to 60 workdays or 12 weeks a year for Paid Vacation Time Around the World pregnancy and childbirth, to care for a new child or a seriously ill rela- Most workers in OECD countries receive around 20 tive, to address an acute personal illness, or to manage circumstances re- days. The United States is an outlier. lated to a loved one’s military service deployment. Days of statutory paid annual leave The FAMILY Act would build on state programs like those in United Kingdom 28 California, New Jersey, and Rhode Luxembourg 26 Island with successful track re- cords. Eight states and the District Austria 25 of Columbia now have paid family Denmark 25 and medical leave programs, and Finland 25 Colorado just voted to join them. France 25 All of these plans offer more benefits Sweden 25 than those proposed in the FAMILY Act along one or more of these im- Iceland 24 portant dimensions: wage replace- Malta 24 ment rates, additional family mem- Portugal 22 bers covered, increased employment Spain 22 protections, and a longer duration of Norway 21 leave. The valuable lessons learned from these state programs can help Australia 20 federal lawmakers update the bill be- Belgium 20 fore passing it. And more than eight Czech Republic 20 in 10 voters support a national paid Estonia 20 family and medical leave program. Germany 20 After passing the FAMILY Act, lawmakers should introduce a gender eq- Greece 20 uity lever to incentivize dads to take Hungary 20 family leave. For instance, Sweden Ireland 20 offers 480 days of paid parental leave Italy 20 at 80% of wages, and of these, 90 days Latvia 20 are reserved for fathers and 90 days for mothers. Today, some portion of this Netherlands 20 leave is used by virtually all Swedish New Zealand 20 mothers and nine in 10 fathers. As one Poland 20 Swedish woman explained to me, “Our Slovak Republic 20 generation, I don’t know any couple or Slovenia 20 friends where the dad won’t stay home or doesn’t wish to stay home. They see Switzerland 20 it as their right and all: ‘Half the time Bulgaria 20 is mine.’ Kind of like that.” Ideally, the Croatia 20 length of family leave in the United Cyprus 20 States could be extended incremen- Lithuania 20 tally so that mothers and fathers would each get to take six months of paid Romania 20 leave after becoming parents — a sweet Chile 15 spot that research shows achieves the Korea 15 benefits and avoids the drawbacks of Israel 12 overly long absences. Turkey 12 Sick days. More than 145 other coun- Canada 10 tries have national paid sick leave stan- Japan 10 dards; the United States is one of only Costa Rica 10 two industrialized countries without Mexico 6 one. Though 76% of civilian workers United States – have access to paid sick leave, not all do, which means that many U.S. res- idents forgo paychecks and risk their Source: OECD

HBR.org The Big Idea 22 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic jobs when they fall ill or need to care penalized. The average worker uses The average cost of full-time care in a for an ailing loved one. Workers often only about half their allotted vaca- licensed facility for a child up to age have no choice but to show up sick to tion annually, and 52% of workers re- four was $9,589 a year in 2016 — more their jobs or send sick kids to school or ported having unused days at the end than the average cost of in-state col- day care. Both tactics pose major risks of the year in 2017. That’s 705 million lege tuition and 85% of the median to public health and to families’ eco- days. A federal policy that employers monthly cost of rent. The annual cost nomic security: One-quarter of adults and managers promoted and made of hiring a nanny is three times the av- say they’ve lost a job or been threat- use of themselves might hasten a erage cost of one year at a public uni- ened with termination for taking time cultural shift, ensuring that workers versity. For a parent earning minimum off work when they are sick or need to don’t fear for their jobs when they wage, childcare eats up two-thirds of care for a sick dependent. Some fear take time off to rest. their annual income. that in the pandemic, discrimination The length of the vacation en- Without universal childcare, fam- against caregivers is on the rise. titlement elsewhere varies, but in ilies who turn to the market for for- For nonserious illnesses in other most places employees get at least 20 mal care find large differences in cost, OECD countries, paid days off are working days, or four weeks, a year. quality, and availability. Many parents usually offered in the form of an an- Canada and Japan have a required rely on informal means when market nual entitlement: a set number of minimum of 10 days, while Australia, options are prohibitively slim, unde- sick days for themselves, and more Germany, and New Zealand offer 20. sirable, or unaffordable. These tend to care for dependents. In Germany, In the UK, it’s 28. to be of lower quality. Studies show for example, workers get as many Previous attempts at state and that white children are far likelier to personal sick days as needed at full federal proposals to set a minimum be enrolled in higher-cost and there- wages, and parents get 10 days per standard for vacation days for work- fore higher-quality day care programs year to care for a sick child at 70% ers in the United States have failed. than children of color, so our lack of pay. One mother in Berlin laughed New York City was considering a plan a federal childcare program is a clear when I asked about her sick day pro- before the coronavirus pandemic hit, driver of racial inequities and disparate visions: “Just the word ‘sick days’ but it has not made any progress. A outcomes. alone just is crazy to me! Because reasonable goal for federal policy Most OECD governments recognize there’s no limit on sick days here. If makers might be to catch up to the the value of early childhood education you’re sick, you’re sick!” next least-generous nations, Canada and care, and most make substantial Some U.S. cities and states have and Japan, with 10 paid vacation days investments accordingly. Childcare is enacted paid sick day legislation suc- a year. That’s only half the OECD aver- typically publicly subsidized: Public cessfully with no adverse economic or age, but it would be something. sources account for 83% of total ex- business effects. The Healthy Families penditures on pre–primary school ed- Act would set a national standard. It ucation and care across the OECD. In would allow workers at businesses 2. Affordable, Quality Sweden, the maximum monthly rate with 15 or more employees the chance Early Childcare to enroll a child in a day-care facility to earn up to seven paid, job-protected for even the wealthiest families is $160. sick days a year for themselves or to During Work Hours In Germany, that figure is $192, and in care for a family member. Those em- The importance of high-quality child- Italy $393. Across all OECD states, 32% ployed at businesses with fewer than care cannot be overstated. Ample re- of children from birth to age two are 15 people could accrue seven unpaid search demonstrates that quality care enrolled in early childhood education sick days annually. promotes the long-term social mobility and care for an average of just under 30 and psychological and economic wel- hours a week. In two-thirds of OECD Vacation days. Employees need time fare of children and parents. A recent countries, at least 90% of four-year- away from work to rest and recuper- study showed that each dollar invested olds are enrolled in public childcare, as ate in order to stay healthy. Parents in U.S. early childcare programs pro- are 70% of three-year-olds. and families need time away from the duces more than $7 of discounted re- The Child Care for Working Families daily grind of work, care, and school to turns over children’s lifetimes. Act is a promising bill that would en- connect with children and other family And today, most American families sure that all U.S. parents have access members. The United States is the only rely on this type of care. Sixty-eight to affordable, high-quality childcare. advanced economy in which workers percent of children under the age of six Several cities and states already of- have no statutory minimum annual have all available parents in the work- fer universal, publicly funded pre-K leave entitlement, paid or unpaid. force have all available parents in the starting at age three or four, and these Again, though many individual em- work-force, and roughly 12 million programs can serve as a model. They ployers offer paid vacation to workers, children under five required outside prepare kids for kindergarten, make one in four American workers receive care before the pandemic. sure that they’re safe while parents are no vacation days. Yet in the absence of a public pro- working, and dramatically reduce fam- To make matters worse, many of gram, childcare is a universal source ilies’ financial burdens. Federal law- those who do earn vacation time of stress for U.S. parents. It remains makers should think of quality, afford- are reluctant to use it out of fear of wildly expensive, second only to able childcare as a constitutional right, damaging their standing or being housing costs in families’ budgets. not a privilege, and expand pre-K to all

HBR.org The Big Idea 23 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic three- and four-year-olds in the coun- Where Long Work Hours try. Once we’ve accomplished this, the Are the Norm provision should be extended to children from birth to age two. A higher percentage of the U.S. workforce is on the job for more than 40 hours per week compared to the 3. Fair Work OECD average. And a higher percentage of men work Schedules That 40-plus hours per week than women. Accommodate Percentage of workforce working Routine Family Time 40 or more hours per week

Working parents need control over MEN WOMEN their schedules and adequate flexibil- Bulgaria 98.1 % 96.4% ity to meet routine needs. Unstable Hungary 96.2 91.4 and unpredictable work schedules Latvia 94.4 86.0 harm employees’ financial security, Lithuania 94.0 83.6 by making wages more volatile; they Poland 93.9 83.7 also can negatively affect family dy- Romania 93.9 90.4 namics, since just-in-time scheduling practices make it hard to plan ahead for Luxembourg 93.1 59.7 childcare. Uncertainty around routine Slovenia 92.5 84.2 work schedules is even bad for work- Estonia 91.7 78.5 ers’ health; it is associated with worse Malta 91.1 63.5 sleep and greater psychological dis- Greece 87.0 72.5 tress and unhappiness. Turkey 86.7 67.4 Further, while millions of lower-in- Israel 86.1 61.6 come U.S. workers don’t get enough Colombia 85.7 64.7 hours to reliably meet their families’ Korea 85.3 70.6 material needs, highly educated, pro- United States 84.9 68.3 fessional workers report persistent Czech Republic 84.7 75.6 overwork. Together, these practices Iceland 82.5 56.7 tend to shift more of the risks and costs Portugal 81.9 68.2 of doing business from employers onto Slovak Republic 81.8 68.0 workers. Chile 81.7 66.6 Outside the United States, broader Costa Rica 81.5 64.1 labor protections are commonplace, Switzerland 80.9 37.9 thanks in part to higher rates of union- New Zealand 79.7 48.4 ization and established collective bar- gaining agreements. Today in the U.S., Mexico 78.9 59.7 union membership is the lowest in a Spain 77.5 48.7 century. Most countries have statutes Croatia 76.0 71.5 on the books to enhance employees’ Japan 75.6 43.1 ability to shift or reduce their working OECD countries 75.3 51.5 hours, especially those caring for chil- Italy 72.6 38.3 dren or dependent adults. Work hours Sweden 71.1 50.9 don’t look quite so crazy elsewhere: Cyprus 68.9 51.4 Almost 50% percent of employees in Germany 66.3 33.0 France work 35 to 39 hours a week. In Canada 64.8 35.4 Denmark and Norway, the majority of Austria 62.2 36.2 adults work 30 to 35 hours a week — United Kingdom 61.6 28.7 women and men alike. Australia 57.8 28.3 Employers can help facilitate fair Ireland 56.5 25.2 work hours, of course, by offering Finland 53.5 22.1 more varied start and end times, ad- Netherlands 50.9 12.7 vance notice of shift schedules, and Belgium 45.3 20.5 the right to refuse mandatory over- France 41.0 23.5 time hours. These should include part-time workers as well, who de- Norway 21.1 9.8 serve the same sort of parity in wages, Denmark 18.0 7.7 benefits, and labor protections that they enjoy in other countries. Source: OECD

HBR.org The Big Idea 24 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

But for sufficient and universal fair wages, millions of families, repre- ability of every American to engage in changes, we need national policies that senting 18% of children under age 18 — paid work and have a fulfilling family include the following: that’s 12.6 million kids — live below the life. Reforms in these areas are also poverty line. critical. Fair workweek laws. Several cit- Cities and states can set higher But we have to start somewhere. ies, including Chicago, New York, minimum wage rates, but the federal The sociologist Erik Olin Wright once Philadelphia, San Francisco, and rate is long overdue for an increase. wrote, “The degree to which people Seattle, as well as the state of Oregon, It hasn’t changed since 2009 and has are deeply dissatisfied with the exist- have passed laws to regulate sched- since lost almost 10% of its purchas- ing conditions of life depends in part uling practices, especially for hourly ing power. According to a report from on whether they believe viable alter- employees in sectors like retail, fast the Economic Policy Institute, rais- natives are possible.” The rest of the food, and hospitality. These are good ing the minimum wage to $15 by 2024 OECD shows us that a better set of pol- for business: When workers enjoy ad- would lift millions out of poverty, icies exists. equate, stable, predictable, flexible including 38.6 million adults, 23.8 So let’s advocate for those alterna- hours, their employers see increased million full-time workers, 23 mil- tives — as parents, partners, workers, productivity and sales, improved per- lion women, and the parents of 14.4 employers, and citizens. It’s time to formance, reduced absenteeism, and million children. And a majority of push politicians for real and lasting lower long-term labor costs. We need a Americans support an increase. change. During their working-age national fair workweek policy. The proposed Raise the Wage Act, lives, 86% of U.S. adults become which passed the House in July 2019, parents. Imagine the sheer political Right-to-request laws. San Francisco, would follow the lead of several cit- power of that group if they thought New Hampshire, and Vermont have ies and eight states — California, of themselves as a constituency with passed provisions that grant most or Connecticut, Illinois, Maryland, shared goals. all private-sector workers the right to Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, It will take major changes in our request scheduling accommodations and, just last week, Florida, to take this country’s laws. But the pandemic has such as part-time work and flexible step — boosting the minimum wage to shown us that it’s time to act. work schedules without retaliation. As $15 an hour for regular employees over a result, more than 1 million employees a seven-year period. The law would The author would like to thank Vicki have increased flexibility on the job. also phase out the subminimum wage Shabo and Brigid Schulte of New Nationally, the Schedules That Work for tipped workers and tie future mini- America’s Better Life Lab for their assis- Act, last introduced in the U.S. House mum-wage rates to changes in median tance on this article. of Representatives in November 2019, workers’ pay. would give employees the right to re- Caitlyn Collins is an assistant . . . quest changes to their work schedules professor of sociology at without fear of punishment, ensure Some of these policies are more pal- Washington University in St. that employers consider these re- atable to lawmakers and employers Louis. She is the author of Making quests, and require employers to of- than others. But there’s no denying Motherhood Work: How Women fer more stable, predictable working that the policies outlined above — paid Manage Careers and Caregiving hours in certain occupations. leave, childcare, fair work schedules, (2019, Princeton University Press). and living wages — are good for em- Twitter: @CaitlynMCollins 4. Living Wages to ployees along a host of indicators that Meet Basic Material also facilitate their ability to get their jobs done well. Those programs that Needs are government funded would also People need fair wages so they can se- provide support to gig, freelance, or cure the necessities — food, shelter, contract workers; entrepreneurs; and and safety for themselves and their people working for very small busi- families. Other wealthy countries have nesses. The result, according to data established legal wage floors high from other countries, is a virtuous above the U.S. federal minimum wage, circle in which workers are happier, which is currently a miserly $7.25 an more engaged, and more productive; hour. Nowhere in the United States organizations benefit from improved does a full-time worker making this performance, which offsets costs; and amount earn enough to afford the ba- our society becomes more fair, just, sics. The minimum wage for waiters, and humane. bartenders, and others earning tips has Of course, lots of other policies af- been the same for more than 25 years: fect employed parents, too. Health $2.13 an hour. And roughly one-quar- care, education, immigration, hous- ter of minimum-wage workers are ing, energy and the climate, gun safety, parents with dependent children to civil rights, reproductive rights, and support beyond themselves. Without the criminal legal system all shape the

HBR.org The Big Idea 25 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

What Working Parents Need from Their Managers A balance of predictability and flexibility. by Ellen Ernst Kossek, Kelly Schwind Wilson, and Lindsay Mechem Rosokha

Even during a pandemic, managers are under the right strategies — namely those that balance pressure to deliver results. They need to effectively predictability and flexibility — for helping you lead their teams and drive performance while and your employees succeed. also supporting the work-life needs of employees, Managers of hourly, frontline employees in par- whether they have been called into in-person ser- ticular should pay especially close attention, since vice or are now completely remote. Working par- these workers are often the most in need of predict- ents, in particular, are struggling to balance their ability and flexibility, but are the least likely to get jobs with homeschooling and childcare. it, as they juggle childcare and leaving their home Our research suggests that relearning how to for work during the pandemic. Yet regardless of manage people — especially those with kids at who you’re managing, there is plenty of evidence- home — in this crisis is one of the most signif- based advice on how you can apply a strategy of icant challenges bosses face today. It’s also an predictability and flexibility for your team. enormous opportunity: If addressed wisely, it can boost a team’s well-being, culture, and performance now and into the future. To achieve those The Manager’s Dilemma positive outcomes, it helps to first understand the Consider what’s currently being asked of manag-

Courtesy of Little Day Out and Preschoolmarket dilemma you’re facing. You should also employ ers. First, you can’t ignore Covid-19 and the effect

HBR.org The Big Idea 26 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic it’s had on employees’ lives. If you at- try to block times for interaction and essential for managers to regularly tempt to enforce rigid deadlines and focused communication and, when connect with each employee, espe- frequent meetings, you’re failing to those don’t work, employ backup sys- cially working parents. Unfortunately, acknowledge the additional anxieties tems. Some suggestions are below. too few bosses do this in a structured and demands that people — and, again, way. To start, set up recurring, consis- especially working parents — face. Outline “core hours.” Managers can tent, and personal one-on-one meet- Research shows that managers who help create order by organizing core ings (by videoconference or phone if are overly strict on face-to-face time hours or “windows of availability.” you’re not doing essential work on- and create arbitrary deadlines with- This involves gathering scheduling in- site) with all your team members both out employees’ inputs — particularly put from all team members, including to discuss their work priorities and to in teleworking situations — increase asking how to best accommodate fam- ask open-ended questions about how employee stress. They also alienate ily needs. Depending on the group’s well they’re balancing job and family moms and dads, who may quit if forced structure and individuals’ respective demands. to choose between work and family. tasks, you might set the same core The latter is crucial: Research shows Similarly, for hourly workers, there hours (for example, 10 am to 2 pm) that it is not enough to support em- may be times when they need to step when everyone is available for collab- ployees professionally. To reduce away from the work floor to take an un- oration. Teamwork conducted during work-family conflict, you must spe- expected call from a child, teacher, or this “collective time” should be fo- cifically address those issues and fig- sitter, even if it isn’t formal break time. cused with clear goals. For example, ure out the resources people need to You can establish a norm of flexibility Microsoft has encouraged managers perform well both on and off the job. by offering to step in to cover for them, to shorten meetings to 30 minutes to You’ll want to build family-supportive or make it acceptable for peers to do ensure that people stay engaged. supervisor behaviors into these con- so. An environment in which people Another option is to have each team versations. Four key ones studied feel like they have little control over member cover a different set of core in companies around the world are personal and professional boundaries hours (for example, 8–11, 11–2, 2–5) emotional support (asking employees rarely leads to successful performance. so someone is always available for cli- about these issues and showing em- At the same time, you can’t be too ents or customers. Virtual tools such pathy); instrumental support (such as lenient. You can’t act as if predictable as instant messaging can help people soliciting input from employees about routines and targets don’t matter at all. communicate with colleagues on dif- their preferences for adjusting sched- Nor can you give carte blanche, super- ferent schedules and during noncore ules); role-modeling (demonstrat- lax “idiosyncratic deals” (such as per- hours. While it might not be possible ing personal strategies you’ve used sonally negotiated work arrangements to honor all scheduling requests, it is when having to manage competing and hours) only to working parents. If important to consult employees, ex- demands); and creative work-family you do so in ways that are perceived plain how and why any decisions are management (discussing solutions that as ignoring other employees or forcing made, and also give people the liberty help the parent but still ensure that the them to pick up the slack, it could cre- to do any solo projects when it is con- work gets done effectively). Our re- ate team rancor. venient for them. search shows that, while nearly 100% Managers must therefore embrace of managers rate themselves as sup- two strategies that on the surface Create a buddy system. Studies show portive of employees with families, might seem to conflict: predictability that formalizing backup coverage is an only half of their subordinates agree (that is, the structure of set schedules, effective way to support employees with this assessment. An easy way to deadlines, routines, and backups) and who are dealing with shifting family improve this disconnect is to set aside “flexible flexibility” (that is, a willing- needs. You can assign each team mem- time for personal discussions and en- ness to shift working parents’ tasks and ber a “Covid buddy,” who will commu- sure that you always ask everyone on processes, reduce lower-priority work, nicate key information when meetings your team — both parents and non- and incorporate planned slack time to are missed due to last-minute family parents — how everything is going buffer deadlines). conflicts. Managers should initiate and with work and life and whether there oversee the pairing process but solicit is anything you or the company can Add Elements of employee input whenever possible. If do to help. two parents are put together, an added Predictability into benefit is the potential for informal Learn to Be Flexible the Workday peer support, as they’re likely to talk First, consider how to make work as not only about work but also about on Flexibility predictable as possible without un- family. In essential-work organizations Predictability works only up to a duly burdening parents. Research that typically require employees to be point. Inevitably, something unex- shows that employees, especially on-site, you might proactively train or pected will come up. An employee those with family demands, prefer set hire floater workers to rotate for people will need to skip his core hours to or preplanned schedules because they who unexpectedly need time off. deal with a child who is sick or sud- can then better manage their nonwork denly has too much energy to sit for lives. With Covid-19, schedules are Schedule regular one-on-ones. During Zoom classes. A project will be pulled often in flux, but managers can still this continuing crisis, it is even more forward, a client will call with an

HBR.org The Big Idea 27 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic emergency request, or you discover a particularly if you’re working while Managers also need to be straight- snag in your supply chain. Managers managing childcare or homeschooling forward about what happens during must therefore be “flexible on flexi- yourself — makes that strain visible. time off. They should make it clear bility.” This might seem challenging Making changes to your own schedule, that if employees aren’t expected in some settings, particularly retail and talking about them openly, also to work, their team should not ex- and food service, where just-in-time showcases flexibility as a solution. pect responses to email. Further, no scheduling is often the norm. Here are This approach pays off: Research one should call or text an employee some strategies to consider. on the power of peers shows that the while they’re not supposed to be more managers use flexibility, the more working; these types of communica- Ensure sustainable workloads and likely their employees will feel they can tion tend to be much more invasive hours. The concept of “flexible flex- use work-life flexibility without fear because they’re harder to ignore. ibility” started with a study of high- as well. Emergencies happen, but you should talent, overworked professionals define in advance what constitutes (mostly women with families) who ne- Experiment with policy rules. In one to make sure that everyone is on gotiated reduced hours (with a tempo- pre-pandemic times, managers often the same page. rary commensurate pay cut) to enable stuck to their organizations’ flexible more time for everything from family and remote work policies. There were Preempt penalties. It is also important to other life interests. Managers part- clear rules about who could do it, and to ensure that there are no repercus- nered with these employees to create where and when. But now is the time sions for employees who request flex- more sustainable workloads and fre- to experiment. For example, if your ibility during the pandemic. No one quently checked in to make sure no company used to have a mandate that should be held back from raises, pro- one was logging more hours than was employees had to live within 75 miles motions, or new opportunities because healthy. We suggest that you consider of the office, but now no one will be they needed to modify their schedule this approach for all employees right coming in for at least a year, you could or use all their vacation days and sick now. certainly allow a young parent to work leave. One solution is to adjust perfor- This can involve eliminating low- at their own parents’ home in another mance standards — for example, by value work — for example, jettisoning state to take advantage of free and giving parents extra time to meet cer- a report no one reads anymore or al- safe babysitting. If staff were once tain criteria. Some universities are ex- lowing a frontline worker to request required on-site every day, perhaps tending tenure clocks for assistant pro- reduced hours at the beginning or end people can now take care of in-person fessors; consulting or law firms could of the day, when customer demand work Monday to Wednesday, while do the same. Another solution, partic- tends to be lighter anyway. Other pos- administrative duties are performed ularly for sales employees, is to set up sibilities include allowing two valu- remotely on Thursdays and Fridays. a compensation relief committee to ad- able working parents to do a tempo- Consider developing a team flexibility just sales quotas or temporarily change rary job share. Time-based flexibility charter, which includes a list of new compensation structures (for instance, can also help; consider split shifts, mutually agreed-upon rules for work- from solely offering commission-based where parents work in the morning, ing during the pandemic. And some pay to having a combination of base pay help their children with school in the employers — including those with and commission bonuses). And in afternoon and early evening, and then hourly workers — are piloting com- hard-hit service industries such as hos- go back to their jobs at night or on the pressed three- or four-day workweeks pitality, which are facing steep drops weekend. Some people may want to of longer but fewer work days, making in customer demand, some employ- work six days a week at fewer hours it easier to juggle childcare with a rela- ers are committing to six-month job or four days at longer ones. You might tive and reduce cost and burnout. security recall rights that give laid-off also shift performance goals to be workers assurance of the first rights to weekly or monthly, rather than daily Increase the usability of leave rehiring. Others are offering unlimited or weekly, which gives people the policies. Only 17% of U.S. workers sick leave for hourly workers. This may discretion to accomplish those tasks have access to paid family leave, and keep employees motivated and loyal, during the hours that suit them best. 24% percent of workers — including and offset feelings of defeat during Encourage employees to speak up if many hourly and essential workers — these economically challenging times. they need accommodations. still lack paid sick leave. But even peo- These are just a few examples of ple who have these benefits rarely use how important it is to be flexible not Be a good role model. You can take them to the full extent because of un- only in scheduling but also in adapt- the lead in your team to remove social derstaffing, the inability to get time ing relevant human resource policies barriers to using work-life flexibility. off approved, the stigma of not always and practices during the pandemic. The idea that “Misery loves company” putting work first, or fear of job loss. . . . is confirmed in studies showing that Especially now, managers must ensure it’s important to communicate to that employees feel safe taking paid Changing how you lead your team — employees that work-life struggles leave (followed by unpaid leave when on top of trying to hit performance are common and that everyone, in- needed), not least because it could help targets in an economic crisis — can cluding yourself, needs a reshuffle at prevent the spread of Covid-19 if an em- seem daunting. But you can’t man- times. Sharing your own concerns — ployee or family member is infected. age the same way you did a year ago.

HBR.org The Big Idea 28 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

These strategies can help you manage predictably and flexibly, and will help you and your employees, especially those with kids, overcome today’s pressures. They should also help you build a stronger team that is able to perform well both during the pandemic and beyond.

Ellen Ernst Kossek is the Basil S. Turner Professor of Management at Purdue University. She currently studies how work-life boundaries, flexibility, and remote work impact women’s inclusion and career equality.

Kelly Schwind Wilson is an associate professor of management at Purdue University. Her research focuses on the work-family interface, interpersonal relationships, and leadership.

Lindsay Mechem Rosokha is a doctoral student at Purdue University studying organizational behavior and human resources. Her research interests include interpersonal exchanges, diversity, and leadership of employees in work and nonwork domains.

HBR.org The Big Idea 29 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

From Hands-Off to Helicopters A brief history of working parenthood in the United States. by Jennifer Traig

When it comes to raising children and managing This was true before the pandemic, and it’s ridicu- a career in the United States, there are few institu- lously true now, with our children as our cowork- tional or community supports in place (see “The ers and us as their teachers and playmates and Free Market Has Failed U.S. Working Parents,” on full-time caretakers. No wonder we’re tired. p. 19). But there is no shortage of advice. Parenting How did we get here, where we’re logging long books, mothers-in-law, colleagues, judgy peers, hours at work; overseeing our kids’ education, and random senior citizens at the market all lie in athletics, and other activities; and managing the wait to tell you what you’re doing wrong and how household — all at the same time? you should be raising your child: Breast is best. You can’t be a parent and be on the partner track. No screen time. Asking for a reduced schedule is Centuries of Alloparenting career suicide. Put some socks on that baby! Popular use of the verb “parenting” dates only American parents now work more hours and to the 1970s, and with good reason: Much of the spend more time with our children than we have time, throughout history and around the world, at any time in recent history (college-educated parents weren’t the ones doing it. Preoccupied parents spend twice as much as they did in 1965). with the larger task of survival, they outsourced day-to-day childcare to slightly older children, relatives, and hired help — particularly in Europe. Schoolchildren cross at the corner of Jackson and Hyde in San Francisco on Sept. 4, 1952. (Photo: Joe Rosenthal/San This kind of communal child-rearing, known as Francisco Chronicle via Getty Images) alloparenting, was largely impromptu. When no

HBR.org The Big Idea 30 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Sir and Lady Baden-Powell at the christening more time with their children than Management suggests how common of their infant, being held by the wet nurse. had ever been the norm. American this was — the 1861 best seller told (Photo: PA Images via Getty Images) parenting was largely overseen by fa- mothers not what to do themselves, thers, as women weren’t considered but how to instruct the staff. one else was handy, parents relied on trustworthy enough to steer children’s full-body swaddling to keep infants moral development. To historian C. 1800s–Early 1900s: safely immobile. Sometime after the John Sommerville, the Puritans were Hands-On to Hands- Middle Ages, however, more-formal “the first modern parents”; to anthro- institutions emerged. In France, a net- pologist David F. Lancy, “the first anx- Off work of placement bureaus dispatched ious parents.” In any case, they were By the late 19th century, American infants to live with wet nurses in the invested and involved (albeit with a parents were again encouraged to do countryside until they were two or great deal of help from servants and much of the parenting themselves. three (or sometimes as old as seven). enslaved people). Families were smaller and children be- Of the 21,000 infants born in Paris in The Industrial Revolution brought came, in sociologist Viviana Zelizer’s 1780, for example, 17,000 were dis- major changes to America and Europe, phrase, “emotionally priceless” crea- patched to country wet nurses. however, as men spent longer hours tures whose care was too important Things were different in America. at work and women took charge to outsource. The 20th century was to Because of their religious beliefs, and of the kids — or increasingly hired be the “century of the child,” and in because there were fewer resources nurses and nannies to. The popular- Ellen Key’s 1900 book of the same than in Europe, Puritan parents spent ity of Mrs. Beeton’s Book of Household name, she called on mothers to be “as

HBR.org The Big Idea 31 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt visits the for day care in general, and during the of thousands of children in its first four childcare school of Vassar in 1933. (Photo: Depression a quarter of the privately years, though some locations were Keystone-France/Gamma-Keystone via Getty Images) funded centers closed. segregated. This was at least partly by design, as During World War II, the Lanham the federal Aid to Dependent Children Act revived and expanded the pro- entirely and simply taken up with the program, passed in 1935, encouraged gram so that parents could join the child as the child himself is absorbed mothers to stay at home. Historian war effort: fathers to fight and moth- by his life.” Unfortunately, this was Mary Frances Berry argues that the ers to work. Over the course of the not a paying gig. Depression saw “a general assault” war, more than 3,000 Lanham Act day For the many women who still had on childcare: If mothers were free to care centers served approximately to work, childcare options were few. work, it was feared, they would take 600,000 kids of all backgrounds. A turn-of-the-century movement by jobs away from men. Even in 1933, Centers were heavily subsidized, with philanthropic institutions to open when the U.S. briefly offered a compre- the federal government covering 50% day nurseries for low-income fami- hensive childcare program for the first of operating expenses and local gov- lies helped some. But Black families time in its history, as a Works Progress ernment funding much of the rest. were largely left out, as most pro- Administration venture, the goal was Parents paid 50 cents a day (around grams were open only to whites. By not to help working mothers but to cre- $8 today). Some centers were open 24 1930, there were only 40 day care ate jobs for day-care staff. Still, it filled hours a day, six days a week, to sup- centers for Black children in the en- a vital need. With centers in almost port parents in manufacturing, and tire country. There was little support every state, the program served tens they provided not only affordable

HBR.org The Big Idea 32 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Two boys at a Black Panther Party–sponsored Families who needed childcare were the tax code. Bipartisan support program that offered free breakfast for children left scrambling, and some unexpected produced the child and dependent in New York City during the winter of 1969. (Photo: Bev Grant/Getty Images) parties stepped in to fill the void. In care tax credit, which was ostensibly California, the Black Panthers opened aimed at helping low-income fami- free day care centers for its “panther lies, but largely benefited their upper- care but also services such as grocery cubs.” A radical activist Puerto Rican middle-class counterparts. shopping, laundry, and meal prep. group, the Young Lords, helped open But the relief for working parents was day care centers in Spanish Harlem. 1980s–Early 2000s: short-lived; when the war ended, the In 1974, Vicki Breitbart’s The Day Striving to “Do It All” centers were shuttered. Care Book offered solutions including communes and group marriage. Over the next few decades, the pri- 1950s–1970s: Meanwhile, TV would serve as allopar- vate day-care system would expand Finding Care When ent for a generation of latchkey kids. dramatically as need was driven up For a brief moment in 1972, it by divorce and an increasingly female There Is No Day Care looked like the U.S. might address workforce. In 1950, 34% of women The shutdown was unfortunate for the issue, when Congress passed the worked; in 1980, 52% did. The num- working parents, coming right when Comprehensive Child Development ber of American preschool-age chil- the baby boom began. Families were Act to fund a national day-care system. dren in day care while their moth- less likely to live near relatives who But this would go nowhere. President ers worked full time rose from 6% might help. Live-in nurses were a thing Richard Nixon vetoed it as, essentially, in 1974/1975 (a U.S. Department of of the past, and an expanded private communist: It would “commit the Commerce report combined data for day-care system, a thing of the future. vast moral authority of the National the two years) to 26% in 2011. Today, With men back from the war, social Government to the side of communal day care is enormously expensive — norms and unions encouraged women approaches to child rearing over [and] often topping $10,000 a year for one to stay home, and the term “day against the family-centered approach.” family — and hard to come by. As Pew care” all but disappeared from public Day care then moved to a quieter, Research Center’s 2015 “Parenting discourse. less obvious site of U.S. policy making: in America” report noted, 62% of

HBR.org The Big Idea 33 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Dawn Sciabaras and her daughter, Torie, work The 1990s brought working par- résumés. This era also included the on Dawn’s computer during Sears’s “Take ents some relief, in the form of the publication of books like Amy Chua’s Our Children to Work Day” on April 26, 2001. (Photo: Tim Boyle/Newsmakers/Getty Images) Family Medical and Leave Act of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, 1993, which grants unpaid leave for which promoted the concept of par- family or medical issues like birth, enting with a laser focus on academic parents with infants or preschool-age adoption, or caring for a family mem- and musical success. Some parents children have a hard time finding af- ber with a serious health condition. looked for shortcuts, as the 2019 fordable, high-quality childcare. And More companies are offering paid college admissions bribery scandal even when they find it, they may feel paternity leave (30% in 2019, up from showed, with wealthy parents using bad for relying on it. Of fully em- 17% in 2015), which can increase the fraudulent means to help their chil- ployed mothers who have small chil- likelihood that new dads take time dren get into top-tier universities. dren, only 22% think that having a off. And since the 2010 Affordable fully employed mother is what’s best Care Act, companies must provide 2020 & Beyond: for kids. the time (in the form of a break) and In the 1980s some companies, like space (in the form of a room that is Parenting and Patagonia, began offering on-site not a bathroom) to allow nursing Working in a nurseries, recognizing that the lack of mothers to express breast milk. Pandemic reliable, affordable care was a stressor With more parents working and for working parents. And yet few com- focusing on professional achieve- Research shows the extraordinary panies have followed suit; according ment, the drive to be successful hours and efforts parents put in at to the Society for Human Resource seemed to bleed from work into work and with their families at home Management’s 2019 Employee home. Increasingly, hands-on “soc- haven’t seemed to benefit the chil- Benefits Survey, only 4% of U.S. com- cer moms” and “helicopter parents” dren. They may not have been good panies offer subsidized on-site care. scrambled to burnish their children’s for the parents, either: Since the 1970s,

HBR.org The Big Idea 34 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Seth, right, and Nicole Kroll work on their an estimated 18% of childcare centers Enough Alone. She holds a PhD in computers while their son, Louis, entertains have closed since March. Women are English from Brandeis University. himself at their home in Boston on April 14, 2020. (Photo: Craig F. Walker/The Boston disproportionately affected by these Globe via Getty Images) developments: Over 80% of those not working in order to care for children are female. parents have reported significant lev- Given that nature abhors a vac- els of unhappiness. And as a recent uum and loves an alloparent, this is study, led by Jennifer Glass of the an ideal time for a federally funded University of Texas at Austin, shows, childcare program to emerge again to the “happiness gap” between parents help working parents return to their and nonparents is bigger in countries jobs. Canada recently announced a where families receive less support major investment in childcare; let’s in the form of policies like paid pa- hope we’ll follow suit. In the mean- rental leave and subsidized childcare. time, working American parents (American parents will be unsurprised can only hope for the best, mute to learn that the happiness gap is larg- the Zoom call during tantrums, and est in the U.S.) when a toddler spills her apple juice During a previous massive disrup- on us after we’re already dressed for tion to our country — World War II — a work, try to view the sippy cup as federal childcare system played a vi- half-full. tal role in the country’s success. So, it’s troubling that the current crisis Jennifer Traig is the author of imperils the few options we currently Act Natural: A Cultural History of have. The pandemic has raised day- Misadventures in Parenting as well care operating expenses by 47%, and as Devil in the Details and Well

HBR.org The Big Idea 35 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

How to Talk to Your Kids About Work During the Pandemic An activity and a discussion guide. by Jacqueline Zeller

For some families, Covid-19 has meant working, The activity and discussion guide below of- living, and learning together in close quarters over fer some ways to start conversations around many months. For others, it’s meant caregivers these topics. As you read through the questions, leaving home to work in hospitals, grocery choose the topics that are most applicable to stores, and other businesses on the front lines of your family. Based on your child’s interests and the pandemic. However your family’s dynamic attention span, you may choose to discuss dif- has changed, it’s likely that your children are ferent questions over multiple occasions. It is developing new ideas about your job and, more important to adapt the discussion questions to fundamentally, what work is, how it functions in your child’s developmental level, temperament, today’s world, and what it means to them. communication style, and other qualities. For That’s why now is a good time to talk with your individualized advice, parents and caregivers children about your job and shifts in responsi- should reach out to their own providers. bilities. These conversations can help you better understand their perspectives about your job, Activity how they think about their possible futures in the Open the conversation with your child by saying workforce, and how best to support them today. something like, “I thought it might be helpful to You can also use this time to discuss healthy cop- talk about the changes you’ve seen in how I am ing strategies when work (and life) gets tough. working right now, and to give you a chance to ask questions you might have about what I do for HBR employees working from home, as depicted by their children. Senior Graphics Editor Macaulay Campbell, by work.” Then discuss the topics you have in mind, Maximilian (age 7). letting the conversation be guided by your child’s

HBR.org The Big Idea 36 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Senior Associate Editor Courtney Cashman, by • What are your favorite parts of are old enough to read can review the Mark (age 7). school? list and ask the questions that interest them. If your child is not old enough curiosity and questions. For topic This is also a chance to discuss to read, you can read aloud the ones ideas, see the Discussion Guide below. changes to work and school. You that you think are most relevant, Because younger children may be might ask: using developmentally appropriate more comfortable communicating • This time has brought a lot of language, and then answer them. (Of through play, you could instead begin changes to our work and school course, try to create an environment by inviting your child to draw or paint a schedules. What is harder or easier where your children feel comfortable picture of you working or them school- about school now? What helps you asking questions that are not included ing (remotely or in person). Ask the when things get harder? In what below.) child to describe their picture, and ask ways may I support you when you follow-up questions to better under- • What do you do for work? are having trouble? stand it. This exercise is a good way to • How did you end up doing that • Do you think the changes during hear your child’s thoughts on shifts in type of work? this time have brought about any your professional role, their schooling, • What do you enjoy about your job? positives to our family? and the family’s schedule. • When you were my age, what were This last question might best be you considering doing when you Discussion Guide answered by you and your child to- grew up? gether. For example, perhaps you see • What do you wish you knew at my The conversation with your child could each other more or have more meals age about work and school? cover a wide variety of topics. Here are together during the week. Maybe you • What is a challenge with work that some questions you may decide to ask: have had more opportunities to inter- you had to overcome? How did you • Do you know what I do for work? act (even virtually) with extended fam- do it? • What questions do you have for me ily or friends. • What is harder about your work about my job? You can also invite your child to ask because of the pandemic? How do • Do you know why the work I do is questions to learn more about your you deal with the challenges? important to me and others? work and how it has changed. If they • Why do you have to work instead • Do you know how I spend my time aren’t sure where to begin, the sugges- of spending time with me? while I am working? tions below can help. You could say, “I (Importantly, this question should • What do you do when you are in have some questions here that you not be introduced if it does not school? might want to ask me.” Those who reflect the child’s experience.)

HBR.org The Big Idea 37 Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic

Senior Associate Editor Susan Francis, by MJ about your safety. It is important to Disclaimer: This guide is meant to be (age 10). make room for these conversations informational in nature and not to pro- and to honestly and calmly respond vide professional advice or recommen- Tips for Your to your child’s questions without us- dations. These activities are for general ing catastrophic language. Normalize consideration, but caregivers should Conversations the feelings your child expresses, and contact their own providers regarding In conversations with children, it is reassure them that you are following individualized advice for their families important to communicate that you public health policies and workplace and children. Parents who notice sig- are available to talk or help when your protocols to keep you and your fam- nificant behavioral or mood changes child needs it. It is also important to be ily safe. You can also explain the im- in their children, or who need other calm and to validate your child’s feel- portance of your role, why it requires support, can connect with school and ings, while reinforcing that you and you to go into the office, and how your community agencies to get referrals and other adults are working hard to keep job helps others and the larger com- resources. them safe and help them learn during munity. Letting children know they this atypical time. can always discuss their feelings with Jacqueline Zeller, PhD, is a With the question “Why do you you and ask questions both keeps the licensed psychologist, school have to work instead of spending time door open for future conversations and psychologist, and elementary with me?” it is particularly important shows their caregivers are there if they education teacher. Her clinical to be attuned to your child’s emotions. need support. interests focus on prevention and You might respond to it by reinforc- Although not the focus of this guide, intervention efforts in schools, ing your love for your child while also it is very important to note that, in ad- promoting resilience in children, acknowledging your work respon- dition to shifts in work and school, and supporting educator and sibilities and the reasons your job is families may be experiencing the loss practitioner wellness. Dr. Zeller is important. Make clear that when you of loved ones, illnesses, the loss of part of the core teaching faculty work, it is not because you do not want jobs, or food and housing insecurity. at the Harvard Graduate School to spend time with your child. This It is important to leave room for chil- of Education, where she teaches discussion might also lead to opportu- dren to ask questions and get support graduate courses relating to nities to schedule regular family time around these stressors. Parents should counseling and consultation and without work distractions, if possible. reach out to get school and community coordinates school-university If you are unable to work from resources when their children or fami- partnerships. home, your child might have concerns lies need more help.

HBR.org The Big Idea 38 The Big Idea on HBR.org Timely topics explored with extraordinary depth and insight.

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