02 Article A Way Forward for Working Parents THE 08 Expert Panel Y our Questions About Work, Caregiving, and Covid-19, Answered BIG 13 Guide 8 Ways to Build an Employee Resource Group for Parents IDEA 15 Article Dads, Commit to Your Family at Home and at Work 19 Article The Free Market Has Failed U.S. Working Parents 26 Article What Working Parents Need from Their Managers Reprint BG2005 30 Article From Hands-Off to Helicopters Published on HBR.org November 2020 36 Guide How to Talk to Your Kids About Work During the Pandemic The Big Idea Series Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic Working parenthood was hard enough before Covid-19 — and now we’re in an all-out crisis. It’s time to reimagine what’s possible for ourselves, our families, and our society. by Daisy Dowling Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic For article reprints call 800-988-0886 or 617-783-7500, or visit HBR.org A Way Forward for Working Parents How to feel more confident, connected, and in control — during the pandemic and beyond. by Daisy Dowling Bad. Guilty. Failing. Lonely. Do those words strike a I think it’s safe to say that in 2020 we’ve reached a chord? I’ll make a gentle guess that they do, because working-parent low. in my one-on-one coaching sessions with working I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over. I’m deeply parents over the past several years, I’ve heard those grateful for what I have — health, family, work, shel- four words more than any others. ter — and I’m acutely aware that others have it much And that was before Covid-19. tougher. Yet as I write this, with my laptop balanced Over the past eight months, managing work and on the corner of my kitchen counter, one eye on cli- kids has accelerated from a complex, persistent chal- ent emails and the other on my seven-year-old, who’s lenge into an all-out crisis. We’ve had to handle full- completing a math worksheet, I wish I could find a time jobs, full-time care, and full-time oversight of trapdoor that leads away from this situation, offering our kids’ education, without the benefit of our reg- a magical escape. If you’re facing the terrible strain of ular support systems. One of my clients returned to combining a career and caregiving, I’m sure you feel work from her first parental leave in March and has the same. worked an around-the-clock schedule since, without It’s natural to feel beaten down and nostalgic for any childcare. Like so many other parents, she won- pre-pandemic life (who isn’t reminiscing a little about ders how long she can, as she puts it, “hang on.” Other 2019?), but we can’t let those feelings and desires lure parents I’ve coached and interviewed are trying to us into short-term thinking. We’re working, and we’re figure out how to manage frontline jobs and distance parenting. We’re in this. And we have to find ways, learning, or to hold on to their income while assum- however small, to make it less miserable — to take Cover: Alex Eben Meyer Cover: Alex ing 24/7 care for a child with special needs. back some measure of control. ©2020 Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation. All rights reserved. Work, Parenting, and the Pandemic We also need to start shaping what working par- only 25% of American working families; the rest are enthood will look like when the pandemic subsides, dual-career or single-parent. Maybe in the past family as far away as that may sound. This new normal has members spent the bulk of their working years with been stressful, unmanageable, and overwhelming — a single employer; but statistically speaking, you’ll but we can’t go back to the old normal, because no probably be in your current role for only four years — matter how rosy it might seem right now, pre-2020 and you may be feeling pressure to network and wasn’t good for working parents either. In this terrible manage your LinkedIn profile during what would situation, and with so much in flux, we need to take otherwise be family time. Remember also: If your a new, distinct approach — one that can help fashion role models had kids prior to 2007, they didn’t have our own working-parent experiences. to work and parent amid the always-on expectations In this article I will describe what Working Parent- and 24/7 pressures created by the smartphone. In hood 2.0 could look like and lay out several simple, other words, being a working parent doesn’t just feel feasible first steps toward it — steps that will also harder than your template tells you it should be. It provide a bit of immediate relief. As counterintuitive actually is. As the pandemic has so clearly revealed, as this may seem, I’m going to focus here on individ- we carry an extraordinarily heavy load, yet even in ual approaches and actions. Widespread, structural extremis, we’re left on our own and left holding our- supports for working parents, such as parental leave selves to unrealistic expectations. and affordable day care, are absolutely essential, and That imbalance is one of the main triggers of bad, we’re clearly lagging on those. (See “The Free Market guilty, failing, lonely feelings. It usually presents, and Has Failed Working Parents,” on p. 19.) But extricat- compounds, something like this: During what’s sup- ing ourselves — and helping extricate one another — posed to be family time, you get an important mes- from feeling bad, guilty, failing, lonely is essential to sage from a colleague. When you turn away from your weathering the rest of the crisis and to pushing for the children to answer it — for the umpteenth time this bigger changes that our families, our organizations, week — you feel both under pressure and at fault: I and our communities need. have to respond, but here I go again, ignoring the kids. Before we dive into 2.0, let’s look at how we got The challenge also comes in the other direction: into this mess in the first place. With that understand- You’re pulled away from work to look after a sick ing, we’ll be ready to start getting ourselves out. child or to supervise homework, for example. As the challenges pile up, your values — your iden- The Bad, Guilty, Failing, tity — start taking a hit: Why can’t I figure this out? I’ve always been a hard worker. I should be able to handle Lonely Trap this. Other people can. (Reminder: They can’t.) One of the most damaging misconceptions I hear As you find yourself unable to “solve” the situa- from working parents — and I hear it every single tion, the tension and self-criticism ratchet up fur- day — is that they’re struggling while other parents ther: What kind of mother/father am I, making these are managing or thriving. Let me say this clearly: It’s kinds of career choices and giving my kids short shrift? not just you. The kinds of practical problems you face The kids need me, but my colleagues are watching; I’ll and the deep, disconcerting feelings you have about never get promoted, delivering like this. Now, roiled them are both common and completely normal. by negative emotions, you start to draw big-picture As one of the few people who have spent years in a comparisons: My parents sat down for dinner with us unique ringside seat observing the current realities of every night; why can’t I manage? I used to be focused at working parenthood, I’m guessing that those realities work and a more present parent, and in this pandemic are not what you’re measuring yourself against. I’m neither. Instead, when you think “working parent,” you It all started with a single email, but now — wham! — may think of your parents or grandparents, and how here you are, feeling ground down, fed up, con- despite working hard to earn a living, they sat down flicted, and alone. And if you’re part of a group that to dinner with you every night. Or of the more-senior isn’t always actively included in the working-parent leaders in your organization who somehow seem to dialogue — if you’re a dad, LGBTQIA+, or the parent make working parenthood work. Or even back to old of older children, for example — the feeling of isola- TV shows you watched growing up, in which parents tion can be even more acute. were apparently able to balance the personal and the That’s a crummy place to be, and when we’re professional without undue strain. this distracted and depleted, it becomes extremely Those impressions led you to believe that this is difficult to be the very best parents we can be or to possible if I work hard enough or that good parents eat deliver a great performance at work. And if all 50+ with their kids, or something similar. But your life is million of us U.S. working moms and dads (or similar most likely very different, in many ways, from that ranks in another country) stay collectively pinned firmly ingrained working-parent template. In those down under bad, guilty, failing, lonely or suffering TV shows, maybe one parent worked and the other from an acute case of Why can’t I make this work?, focused on the home front.