CONTENTS AND STAFF Contents Page 3 Travel Tips Page 5 Outdoors - Trails Pages 6-7 Pittsburgh Wine Festival Page 9 Entertainment Page 11 NFL Draft Party - McFaddens Page 12-13 Dining - Taste of The Nation Pages 14-16 Music - Rise Against Pages 17 Night Tech Page 20-21 Dale Chihuly at Phipps Pages 22-37 Humor and Jokes Page 38 Horoscopes
Staff Publisher: Joyce Campisi Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III Production Manager: Rob Hoffman Photographer: Nate Schritter Todd Brunozzi Jill Kummer Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber Dennis Kostley Account Manager: Nicole Cincala Feature Writers: Suz Pisano, Trish Imbrogno, Jackey Day, David Mayle Contributing Writers: Bill Mace Jean Mace Dottie Wilhelm Lori Hon Webmaster: Benjamin Auman Distribution: Take One USA
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2 • June 2007 TRAVEL Travel Tips By: David Mayle
Saving Money On Airfare 1) Maximize Your Frequent Flyer phone. Why pay $10 for something you can do yourself? Miles - FF programs offer miles for hundreds of other things besides just flying. Before you make any purchases make sure 7) After Booking A Flight Keep Checking The Prices - to check the FF programs that you are enrolled in for any Some airlines such as AA will actually give you a credit if offers that may be available. Even if it's only a few miles if it's the price drops on a fare after you book it so it pays to something you are going to purchase anyway why not get keep checking the fare even though you have already those miles? You would be shocked how many miles you can purchased a ticket. I don't know if any other airlines will rack up from bonus programs. I'm able to cash in miles for 2 do it but it never hurts to ask. to 3 trips a year and 25% of the miles I accumulate come from bonus offers rather than actual flights. Saving Money On Hotels 1) Avoid "Big Name" Chain Hotels Like The Plague - The big name chain hotels can 2) Search For Flights To Your Desired Destination From cost more than 10 times as much as a local hotel and I Alternate Airports - Let's say I want to go to Lima but PIT to can tell you firsthand that you DO NOT get what you pay LIM is $1000/roundtrip. I will start searching for flights to Lima for. You will get a far better deal at a hotel with a lesser from Miami, Atlanta, NYC, etc. looking for a bargain fare. known name. How to find a good, cheap hotel is When I find one I will then find a flight from PIT to wherever somewhat of an art but if you know how to use a search and compare the price of booking the segments separately to engine like google you have all the tools you need. I the roundtrip cost from PIT. The reason is that the online generally look at the hotels website first and then try to search programs such as Travelocity often don't combine find independent reviews to support their claims. So far I flights from all airlines. They will always put flights from Delta have found hotels this way in Lima, Cusco, San Jose, and Avianca together, for example, but they won't always Medellin, and Managua and haven't been disappointed combine them with all airlines. A good example is recently I yet. I have also yet to spend more than $50/night. was looking at flights from PIT-LIM. The "best price" on Travelocity was $1200. By finding a flight on LAN from MIA to 2) Call Or Email The Hotel For A Better Rate - Big LIM and a flight on USAirways from PIT-MIA and booking them chains generally won't do this but the small hotels will. separately I was able to save $600. Just remember that this only works if you're staying more than a few days. One hotel that I stay in has a 3) Be Flexible With Your Travel Dates - You can almost "published" rate of $106/night. I pay $48 because I stay always find lower prices if you are willing to travel on non-peak a week and emailed them asking for a better rate. days. Leaving on a Thursday and returning on a Monday can save you hundreds of dollars if you can be flexible. 3) Be Nice To The Hotel Staff - This pays dividends on return trips. I just got a free room upgrade to a suite on a 4) Pay Attention To The Planes When You Are At An Airport future trip simply because I'm nice to the hotel staff. - Every time I go to an airport I make a note of what planes I Honestly, I'm not nice to people because it gets me see from airlines I'm not familiar with. The reason is a lot of the better hotel deals but it's a nice side benefit of being smaller airlines are not hooked in to the major airlines nice. ;) networks. On my last trip to Lima I noticed a lot of planes for AeroCondor at the Lima airport. When I got a chance I looked 4) Watch For Hidden Charges - You can rack up a up their website and found they offer very low fares on flights small fortune in charges by just using a hotel phone to inside of Peru. make local calls. Another common tactic is charging you for items from the minibar whether you used it or not. 5) Always Check The Airlines Website For A Lower Fare - All Always pay attention to your bill when you check out of a of the major travel websites add a fee for booking flights hotel but this is an absolute MUST when in Latin through them. The same flight is almost always cheaper if you America. can book it directly through the airlines website plus you usually get bonus FF miles for booking directly through their 5) Check For Deals On Travel Websites - This can be site. hit or miss but one great site I found for Peru is go2peru.com. They have incredible deals on hotels there. 6) Book Airfare By Phone Only If You Absolutely Have To - Continental, for example, charges $10 to book a flight by
June 2007 • 3
OUTDOORS Trails By: Trish Imbrogno It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood (finally!), and the last thing you want to do is spend it in the gym! If you have a bike or enjoy walking or running, there are a thousand things for you to do outdoors in and around the Pittsburgh area. We are fortunate in this area to have great scenery both in the urban areas as well as out of the city. There are trails that run along the rivers in the city, if you like to see the urban landscape. On the other hand, if you’ve spent your day and week in the city and want to see some foliage, there are trails for you, too! Some trails are suitable for biking, while others are better spent on foot. If you are planning an afternoon on the trails, there are few general rules you’ll want to observe. Also, check with the individual trail to confirm restrooms, fountains and other access points every few miles on the trail from pertinent information to insure your experience is a good one! Coraopolis to Bethel Park. Some parking lots are • Stay right except to pass. available. Visit www.montourtrail.org for maps and more • Warn before passing. information. • No motorized vehicles (unless otherwise designated). Frick Park. If you want to feel like you’re in the forest • Stay on the trails. without leaving the city, then Frick Park is the place for • No camping or fires (unless otherwise designated). you. Full of heavily foliaged trails for walking, running • Leash your pet. and biking, you’ll forget you’re in Regent Square. There • Take your trash, cigarette butts and other debris to is activity on the trails year round, including pets and receptacles (if available) or off the trail with you. owners. If cycling, please be aware that many of the South Side Trail. Length: 5 miles. Surface: pavement, trails in the parking are heavily foot traveled, and crushed limestone. Location: along the Monongahela River on remember to share the trails! Trailhead: On-street the South Side of the city. Trailhead: Turn north (towards the parking is available on Reynolds Street across from the river) on 18th Street, cross the railroad tracks to a large Frick Art and Historical Museum. There is also a lot at parking lot and boat launch. Travel a few blocks south where the lower end of Fern Hollow (end of Lancaster Ave.). the trail begins under the Birmingham Bridge. Bring water, as A 140-pound person burns approximately 83 fountains are unavailable! calories/mile walking at a moderate pace (3 mph). By North Shore Trail. Length: 8 miles. Surface: pavement, picking up the pace to a run (6 mph), they burn around gravel. Location: from the former Western Penitentiary and 114 calories/mile. The same person burns upwards of Brunot Island north to Millvale. You can continue from Millvale 100 calories biking at a moderate pace for 15 minutes. on a rail line access road as far as Shaler and the 62nd Street There are only 3500 calories in one pound, and adding Bridge. Trailhead: If you’d like free parking, avoid the stadium exercise to your day is a great way to burn them off to area and park off of Preble Ave in the West End. There is also lose weight. The weather is wonderful, so get outside free parking in Manchester (end of N. Franklin St.) or at the and get healthy! Millvale Riverfront Park (near the 40th St. Bridge). This is a very abbreviated listing of the over 50 trails Montour Trail. Length: 46 miles. Surface: pavement, in our area. To locate more trails in the Pittsburgh area, crushed limestone. Location: Coraopolis to Clairton. Over 40 visit www.localhikes.com! miles of the trail are currently complete. Trailhead: There are
June 2007 • 5 WINE AND BREW 2007 Pittsburgh Wine Festival
...one of the “top ten wine festivals in the country.”
The Fifth Annual Pittsburgh Wine Festival was held shouldn’t be missed, so for those of you that couldn’t April 26, 2007 at Heinz Field with 120 wineries be there, here is some of the highlights from this years participating. This “World Class” event was made event which raised money for the University of possible by a combination of The Pennsylvania Liquor Pittsburgh Cancer Institute. Control Board, Comcast, The Pittsburgh Wine Festival, For the wine enthusiast to the novice wine drinker UPMC, PNC, Classico, Giant Eagle Market District, this was an opportunity to sample wines from some of WTAE, WQED, Hoeschstetter Printing, Table Magazine, the most prestigious wineries in the world. Not only Renaissance Hotel, Pittsburgh Transportation Group, were we privileged to taste, but they charmed us, Spiegelau and the Laurel Highlands. This charity event entertained and educated us to make discerning has been recognized by publications such as The Wall choices and enjoy the fruits of Bacchus, the Roman god Street Journal, New York Times, USA Today, Wine of wine! Enthusiast and The Quarterly Wine review, which called At this year’s event, a surprise marriage proposal was this event one of the “top ten wine festivals in the witnessed by all, captured on the overhead reader country.” We totally agree, this event is one that board, the surprised girl said “yes” and the room broke Continued on Page 7
6 • June 2007 WINE AND BREW
into a round of applause. Giant Eagle Market District provided cheese, crackers, fruit and delicious chocolate treats. Wine glasses were provided by Spiegelau. Orr’s Jewelers provided black goodie bags for all attendees. If you missed this event, you need to make sure you make plans for next year’s festival. Nightwire will be there and we hope you will be too. I think the pictures say it all.. everyone had a great time for a good cause!
June 2007 • 7 8 • June 2007 ENTERTAINMENT Pins Over Pittsburgh - Games N Nat Just when we thought it couldn’t get any better, Miriam and Bill Jones have out done themselves with the addition of duck pin bowling. They renovated the upstairs and added duck pin bowling alleys complete with automotive pin setters. This state of the art technology provides us with electronic scoreboards and ball returns all while providing a touch of the past with a modern twist. Stepping back in time with the memorabilia, Miriam has collected through EBay auctions, thrift shops, and through the generosity of family and friends. This duck pin bowling alley named “Pins Over Pittsburgh” because of the awesome view of the city from this space has become “the place to party in the city.” The steps leading up to the bowling alleys are adorned with animated duck pins on every rise and on the side wall is a table top, which has been transformed to a mural of Miriam’s dad bowling from a 1940’s keychain picture viewer by the artists at Mad Momma Designs on East Carson Street. There is no better place in the city a private party — with the pool tables, skee ball, air hockey, video games, pin ball, Duck Pin Bowling bowling, private party room and delicious food, catered by the staff at Games N Nat or you can purchase food from the snack bar. Plus, the best part its BYOB. On this particular night, the partygoers hired a band, which was playing in the back room. Everyone was having a great time — this place is definitely your place for fun on the South Side without the headaches of parking on East Carson Street. There is a spacious lot and on street parking is plentiful. Games N Nat is located on Josephine Street. We highly recommend that you stop in and check it out. Throw a few balls and see how much fun you can have acting like a kid again! Affordable private parties for either adults or children can be arranged by calling 412-481-2002 or visit their website at www.gamesnat.com for more information.
Miriam and Bill Jones
June 2007 • 9 10 • June 2007 NFL DRAFT PARTY McFadden’s Restaurant and Saloon by: Jackie Day Appetizing and lively, with a side of racy weekend- entertainment, McFadden’s newest Pittsburgh locale on the North Shore is the restaurant chain’s perfect addition to its already infamous Irish-pub-party status. A bevy of weekend socialites poured through the saloon’s doors from dinner through last call. Adjacent to PNC Park, a portion of the crowd came to redeem their free drink from attending the Pirates-Reds game that night. Others who attended heard rumor of athletes making an appearance to celebrate the Steelers’ draft rounds. Then, of course, you had your following of the scantily-clad Coors Light girls who were passing out tee shirts, baseball caps, key chains and blinking buttons while serving up cold bottles of Coors. One group said they followed the crowd. “We just kind of migrated here; it seemed like the place to be,” says Cheri. According to Tommy Casabonna general manager of Pittsburgh’s McFadden’s, this night’s throng was not an anomaly, “The place is packed like this every weekend.” This sentiment was backed by one of the pub’s cooks, JG Singleton, who took a break from the kitchen action for a glimpse of the show. “It’s normally like this, only louder,” he called through the din. “And usually there’s girls dancing on the bar,” (which inevitably followed). Singleton, who recently relocated from South Carolina, said the team spirit at McFadden’s keeps him on board. “I love working here. It’s fast-paced and fun. It’s one big team –no one is better than anyone else,” he said putting a co-worker in a head lock, Pittsburgh’s unique expanse, however, also provides “Even the managers; if we roll up our sleeves and get dirty, sprawling floor space and a cascading ceiling that make they get dirty, too.” it capable of doubling as either a warm cultural dinner The interior of the North Shore locale, like that of the other spot or a stadium-size after-game party place. seven chains, reflects “Ye Olde-Irish-pub” ambience of the Also owing to the Irish-feel is a 100-foot mahogany original New York City base that got started in 1977. island bar and rich green colored booth seating accented by dark hardwood trim and brass rails, accompanied by cultural food items: Shepherd’s Pie, Irish Potato Soup and an Irish “Paddy” Melt add a touch of Ireland to traditional American menu selections. If a restaurants locale depends upon location, location, location, then McFadden’s here in Pittsburgh on the North Shore has hit it big. They are stationed between PNC Park and Heinz Field, adjacent to the city’s largest parking lot and are nestled along the Monongahela River where the cityscape sparkles against the surface of the evening water –a view from the saloon’s waterfront patio is breathtaking. Keep in mind, while all McFadden’s locations, including Chicago, Columbus, D.C., Boston, Worcester and two in Philly, capture that traditional NYC saloon style, you won’t leave forgetting the McFadden’s mantra: “We’re not your grandfather’s saloon.”
June 2007 • 11 DINING Taste of the Nation Photography byTodd Brunozzi and Jill Kummer
Pittsburgh’s Annual Taste of the Nation was held at the William Omni Penn on May 16th. The hotel's Grand Ballroom was the setting for Pittsburgh's participation in this nation-wide fundraiser featuring the talents of finest up-and-coming captains of mixology and cuisine to help the hungry. Taste Of The Nation brings together over 4000 of the nation’s top restaurants in more than 70 cities to serve original dishes paired with the world's best wines and spirits. Each unique event takes on the personality, culture and cuisine of its host city, with formats ranging from food and wine tastings to seated dinners and outdoor barbeques. This year Pittsburghers got to Mingle with special guest chef Floyd Cardoz, genius of New Indian cuisine, the Executive Chef of Tabla, New York. Guests enjoyed special appetizers and cocktails and all the tasty morsels from all the participating restaurants. Music was be provided by jazz pianist Harry Cardillo. Share Our Strength's Taste of the Nation®, presented Kaya by American Express is the nation's preeminent culinary benefit supporting anti-hunger and anti-poverty efforts. Every spring, thousands of community leaders — from chefs and restaurateurs to public relations professionals and accountants — donate their product, time, and talents to raise both awareness and funds for anti- hunger, anti-poverty efforts. Last year, Pittsburgh raised over $45,000 for local and statewide hunger relief, education and advocacy programs including Just Harvest Education Fund, Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank, and the Pennsylvania Hunger Action Center. Some of the participating and purveyors of fine food and beverages were: 17th St. Cafe - Bigelow Grille - Café Zao - Carlton – Casbah - Chef Floyd Cardoz of Tabla - Dozen - Eleven - The Firehouse Lounge - Iovino's Café -Jamison Farms -Kaya - The Library - Mediterra Bakehouse - Nine on Nine -The Palm Court Lounge at the William Omni Penn - Pennsylvania Macaroni Co. - Raise Your Spirits - Seviche - Six Penn Kitchen - Soba - The Terrace Room at the William Penn - UUBU 6 - Vanilla Pastry Studio - Willow Restaurant - Willow Room – Chateau de St. Aubin – Nestle’s – Chambord and may more!
Casbah
12 • June 2007 DINING
Willow
Bigelow Grille
UUBU6 Dozen Cupcakes
June 2007 • 13 MUSIC
Tim McIlrath vocals, guitars
Chris Chasse guitars
Joe Principe bass
Brandon Barnes drums RISE AGAINST
Anyone that knows Rise Against is aware that the Witness, continues to build upon the solid punk Chicago-based band is anything but a single-minded foundation the band started upon it’s inception. The musical outfit. An astounding fusion of unhinged power, Sufferer & The Witness is a striking collection, with Rise ear-grasping melodies, stimulating lyrics and the ability to Against using elements from spoken word, expanded reach audiences in both underground and mainstream balladry ,and simply prodding forward with a faster, circles, they have redefined punk rock's rules throughout harder, louder ethic,. In fact, not only does this latest its successful career through a variety of compositions. In effort find Rise Against infrequently referencing its own fact, the act's prolific songwriting and captivating shows extensive back catalog, it's also a homecoming for the on stages both at home and abroad over the past six band's key production team. years have yielded career sales of over a half-million For twelve weeks in early 2006, McIlrath, bassist Joe albums. Principe, guitarist Chris Chasse and drummer Brandon Influenced by a blend of '80s hardcore and '90s indie Barnes were holed up in the college town of Fort Collins, rock, Rise Against released its debut, The Unraveling, via Colorado, working once again with producers Bill indie label Fat Wreck Chords. Less than two years later, Stevenson (Black Flag, Descendents) and Jason the band completed its sophomore effort, Revolutions Per Livermore at the Blasting Room — the same production Minute. In December 2003, Rise Against signed to Geffen team and studio used for Revolutions Per Minute — and Records and started the production of its third album, again enlisting the backing vocal talents of Chad Price Siren Song for the Counter Culture. (ALL, Drag The River). "We're a band that's done everything from hardcore "We just wanted to come home again," says McIlrath songs to poppy songs to acoustic ballads that get played of the band's return to the Blasting Room, "to go back to on the radio," says vocalist/guitarist Tim McIlrath. "We where we felt most comfortable, most creative and really managed to hit all over the spectrum, so we'll go amongst friends. We put ourselves into an environment into a recording with no fear about trying anything." that would allow us to write the record we wanted to Rise Against's fourth album, The Sufferer & The write. When you're a band for awhile, you realize the continued on page 16
14 • June 2007 June 2007 • 15 MUSIC
important people and elements in your camp. And pre-production, McIlrath picked up a guitar and played the looking back, they were definitely some of the most song. Stevenson immediately took notice and asked McIlrath important people in our career." to record it. With all band members' parts in place, a local The Sufferer & The Witness immediately launches into string section was added, as were backing vocals courtesy of "Chamber The Cartridge," featuring the snare drum Emily Schambra from Chicago peers Holy Roman Empire. rudiment intro of Barnes. McIlrath notes that Thematically, The Sufferer & The Witness exposes a variety collaborating with Stevenson and Livermore — both of of McIlrath's observations. "Looking back on all the songs we whom are also extraordinary drummers — helped to wrote on this record, there seems to be a lot that are about the enhance and develop Barnes’ sound and bring it to a strength of conviction, but with an awareness of our whole new level on this record. "We came in after he had shortcomings," says McIlrath. "It's important to realize that done some drums and we were just blown away," says nobody's invincible. It's important to know just who you are in McIlrath. the world and who you are in yourself, and make sure that you Tugging at its hardcore roots, "Survive" shatters the pay attention to that." tempo barrier with its tight riffing, while "Bricks" is a "I feel like we still haven't completely tapped all the ideas minute-and-a-half burst of double-timed, mosh pit that we've had with this band since its inception," adds inducing fury, primarily penned by Principe. The song, McIlrath. "We're still going for that perfect Rise Against record, with its key phrase "we'll never die," addresses a we're not bored with what we're doing at all. We're still excited mortality motif that can be found within the album. about all our songs, with everything we've done." The strongest surprise of The Sufferer & The Witness And for a band that has built its career through a substantial is "Roadside," a gorgeous ballad augmented by a string touring history, having shared stages with an eclectic array of section that finds Rise Against shattering the rudimentary acts including Agnostic Front, Alexisonfire, Alkaline Trio, Bad hardcore punk mold once again. Originally written as a Religion, Killswitch Engage and Sick Of It All, performing its part of another song McIlrath had composed, newest material on the road seems almost full circle. "Roadside" soon became its own entity. "Actually, I sat "I feel like we're back to a place where we were when this on it for years," he admits. "I played it for Joe years ago band started, when the only thing that mattered was the music and we were never quite sure what to do with it and how and the shows," he says. "It's all just back to really caring it fits into what we do." about playing guitar, singing and playing shows. It's a really However, while in the studio with Stevenson during cool place to be."
16 • June 2007 NIGHT TECH GoPass AVL-900
GPS Position Tracking Function
With this function, the authorized person – the one who knows the password of the tracker, can GoPass -AVL 900 know the geographic coordinates, location, speed, direction, and other related information of the car anytime in any place. The report methods can be via SMS short message service, or via GoPass' sneaky new device isn't a foreign GPRS. You can also select a one time report or concept, but the AVL-900 definitely ups the ante continuous report (tracking function). by not only allowing the installer to track the vehicle's every turn via GPS / GPRS, but it sports Voice Monitoring Function an integrated microphone to let the curious listen in. Although parents may gleam and teens may You can monitor the situation inside the vehicle fume, this portable tracking system packs a SiRF remotely from mobile phone by sending a SMS Star III GPS receiver, supports quad-band GSM command to this device, without interfering the communications, and can report positions on a persons in the car. With this real-time surveillance timed interval or send an alert to your cellphone if function, you can monitor the situation of your the vehicle is moved (read: stolen) while you're loved one and/or your car, live & real-time. away. The company claims that you won't be charged any monthly fees for the voyeuristic Geofense (Park) Function luxuries, and if seeing a moving dot wasn't close enough to being in the backseat, you can simply This device comes with a unique Geo-fence (Park) text the device or ring it up to enable a listen-only function. When park your car or leave valuable conversation to what's happening within. asset at a certain place, you can press "Park" Moreover, the AVL-900 will even let you monitor button to guard it. The tracker will send a SMS the movements from your smartphone, and while alarm message to the car owner or the preset we know the suspicious parents in the crowd have phone numbers, when someone moves the car or their credit cards ready, there's sadly (or the asset w/o permission out of the predefined fortunately, depending on perspective) no pricing area range. It is ideal for car's security, or availability deets to hand out just yet. management, and asset monitoring.
June 2007 • 17 18 • June 2007 Join us for Pup Nights at PNC Park YOGA Bark & Brew Happy Hours Canine Movie Nights TRIBAL Canine Coffee Klatches BELLY Bark in the Park Dog Walk DANCE Doga & other classes for you and your pooch MODERN Love DANCE Must Dogs. And that’s not even all. Learn more. CAPOEIRA Call 412.847.7000 SPECIALIZED MASSAGE breathe
The Caryl Gates Gluck YOGA Resource Center at 1113 East Carson Street AnimalFriends 3rd Floor Only 10 minutes North of Downtown! Historic South Side 562 Camp Horne Road Pittsburgh, PA 15237 412.847.7000 412/481.YOGA www.ThinkingOutsideTheCage.org www.breathe-yogastudio.com R
June 2007 • 19 photos by Nate Schritter
We were absolutely and truly blown away! As I began to found in more than 200 museums worldwide. write this feature I struggled for the words to express how I As you enter the conservatory, your adventure is just truly felt, but somehow, I just couldn’t top what Jean Horne beginning, as you will be greeted with an overhead from the Tribune-Review wrote on May 14th, “Spectacular! unbelievable signature sculpture titled Goldenrod, Teal and Fantastical! Breathtaking! The Chihuly at Phipps: Gardens & Citron Chandelier. Measuring 12 feet tall and seven feet wide Glass exhibit makes you reach for all the obvious descriptive it has been created specifically for Phipps, and will hand adjectives in an impossible attempt to describe its staggering suspended below the 50-foot peak of the welcome center’s beauty. It deserves it all.” And that dear readers pretty much doomed ceiling. This piece is breathtaking and truly says it all! I just couldn’t come up with any better way of magnificent, it will leave you absolutely breathless and in total describing this exhibit. awe of Dale Chihuly. It took a nine-person team 11 days, aided by Phipps staff At every turn in the Conservatory and Botanical Gardens in and volunteers, to install five tractor-trailer loads full of art Schenley Park you will be dazzled, amazed and surprised by glass in the Victorian glasshouse. Known for his flamboyant this truly unique presentation of sculptures that rise up from colors, monumental sculptures and outdoor displays, world- the gardens in a endless frenzy of unique colors and shapes. renowned glass artist Dale Chihuly and his crew have filled These glass fantasies are so perfectly integrated that they Phipps with a spectacular 14 million dollar exhibit designed appear to have flowered into the gardens. Blending foliage exclusively for the conservatory. It took nearly five years of and glass into amazing and breathtaking sculptures. The planning and thousands of hours in preparation. Pittsburgh is undulating shapes and colored reeds rise and soar upward only the seventh city chosen to host this dramatic exhibit. into the skies. Chihuly was quoted as saying “I want my work Dale Chihuly is known for his innovative glass sculptures ad to appear like it came from nature so that if someone found his work is immediately recognizable for its grand scale and it….they might think it belonged there.” He has truly use of vibrant colors. Chihuly’s spectacular creations can be accomplished this at the Phipps.
20 • June 2007 Glass forms with names like Macchia Forest, Half Sun, Tumbleweeds, and Ikebana are displayed in almost every room at Phipps against its dazzling array of exotic plants. Special lighting has been installed to bring out the color of the glass and extended evening hours provide visitors with an experience dramatically different than a daytime visit. You will want to plan a daytime visit as well as a nighttime visit. It is truly 2 different shows you won’t want to miss either of them! My first experience with Dale Chihuly’s work was in Las Vegas several years ago in the lobby of the Bellago Hotel. Upon entering this hotel, I stood there for well over 30 minutes in adoration and true amazement of his work overhead. The Phipps show is truly a showcase for his work and we in Pittsburgh have truly been honored to have such a great exhibition. At every turn, you will be dazzled and your senses will truly come alive. This is one show that you simply cannot miss. During the Chihuly exhibit, Phipps will be open daily from 9:30AM to 5PM and 7:00PM to 10:00PM on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday evenings. For more information on this show you can visit www.phipps.conservatory.org or call (412) 622-6914.
June 2007 • 21 JOKES, JOKES, JOKES Traveling Companions AAADD- know the Symptoms... An old lady, a young woman, an Englishman and an Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Irishman are travelling in the compartment of a train Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! Recently, together across the British countryside. Each of the four I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated of them is ignoring the other three. Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel and the decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs darkness comes the sound of a kiss, then the sound of washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on a slap. the porch table that I brought up from the mail box When the train leaves the tunnel, the Englishman has a earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the black eye. car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in The old woman, thinks to herself, "What a fine young the garbage can under the table, and notice that the lady! She has good morals! And how self-possessed - can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table look at her sitting there acting as if nothing happened!" and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the the Irishman go for the old lady instead of me?" garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take The Englishman is thinking to himself, "That Irishman is my check book off the table, and see that there is only a clever fellow! He steals a kiss and I get slapped for it!" one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the The Irishman is thinking to himself, "I'm a clever fellow! I study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find kiss the back of my hand, slug an Englishman in the the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for face, and get away with it!" my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is Ghost Sex getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye- lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his -they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in discover my reading glasses that I've been searching ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with About 40 students raise their hands. water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but question further...Have any of you ever made love to a quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm come up here and tell us about your experience." can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my and began to make his way up to the podium. When he check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was I thought you said " Goats." busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.... Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
22 • June 2007 HUMOR
Breakfast in Moleland One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom country. responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, right now cause there is a “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and her father what mommy said. said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.” A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but that he can type that letter now." couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole The child told her father, returned to her mother and said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.” announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." Pittsburgh Girls Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they A New You had been giving their new wives duties. A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their time up"? God said, No, you have another 43 years, 2 house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman third day he came home to see a clean house and the decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow dishes were all washed and put away. lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy The second man had married a woman from Utah . He tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. was hit by an ambulance and killed. Arriving in front of He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge ambulance?" God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even dinner on the table. recognize you!" The third man had married a Pittsburgh girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, Blonde Joke: Helllllooooo dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so meals on the table for every meal... and besides that, she she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She should be willing and able to perform well each night in carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes bed. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic eat, load the dishwasher, and start the lawn mower. became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before Gotta love those PITTSBURGH girls!! a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled cle yelling, "What Code word for Sex is going here?" My car broke down, Officer," says the A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to woman, calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. Officer. "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
June 2007 • 23 JOKES JOKES JOKES Stuff To Make You Laugh
Hospital Chart Topper 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (Actual writings from 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. hospital charts) 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 1. The patient refused autopsy. 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. GET OUT OF THE CAR!
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of states she was very hot in bed last night. Sarasota, Florida. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her over a year. vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the HAVE A GUN, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT! GET OUT OF third day it disappeared. THE CAR!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also and ran like mad. appears to be depressed. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the 8. The patient has been depressed since she began driver's seat. seeing me in 1993. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why, .. it 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five mentally alert but forgetful. spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop lunch. laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly 12. She is numb from her toes down. woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent No charges were filed. home. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable. 14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. Should children witness childbirth? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. mommy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was told. Her mom pushed 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The of her life, until she got a divorce. paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Little Connor began to cry. The paramedic then 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr for physical therapy. old what she thought about what she had just seen. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and first place...Smack his bum again!" (If you don't smile at this accommodation. one there is no hope for you!)
24 • June 2007 PONDER THIS
Cowboy and His Horse: chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and Two young cowboys are sitting on the porch of a saloon lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the when they see a dusty, old, decrepit cowboy come riding message, and gave her the chicken legs. up on an equally old horse. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she The old man is pretty creaky when he gets off his horse didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a and ties it up to the rail. Then the old cowboy walks around chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher to the back of the horse, lifts it's tail, sticks his finger in the her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her horses butt, pulls it out and then wipes it on his lips. some chicken breasts. The young cowboys are exasperated. "Hey, wadya go On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. stick yer finger in the horses butt for and then wipe it all Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her ov'r yer lips?" husband to the store... "I got chapped lips", replies the old cowboy. See bottom of page for ending to this joke... "Does it help heal 'em?", askes the other young buck. "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em." New Drink Communication Problems A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor Fact we have a new drink, invented by lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to A gynecologist patron of ours. communicate with her husband. The real problem arose It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." whenever she had to shop for groceries. The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
10 reasons why women are like motorcycles
1. They both get better with age right up until the time and if he does without permission, he probably ain't your they start to fall apart friend any more
2. Ugly ones are still fun to ride, you just don't want your 7. If the cops ever catch you really enjoying one, you're friends to see you most likely going to jail
3. The harder you ride them, the more noise they make 8. No matter how many you have, or had, you always got your eye open for one more 4. Both are best viewed from a 3/4 rear view 9. Both look better with a fresh wax 5. You can always trade up, but brother, believe me it's gonna cost you 10. Both are fun to get dirty, neither are much fun once they are dirty
6. You ain't likely to give your friend permission to ride her,
We wonder about you sometimes! you about wonder We
husband speaks English! Now get back to work. work. to back get Now English! speaks husband
Answer: What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her Hellooooooo, thinking? you were What
June 2007 • 25 26 • June 2007 This is not a joke... If you can pass, you can safely turn HUMOR on your ignition key again and cancel your annual eye Ain’t Retirement Grand examination... However, you should be able to find them in 20 seconds, if not…you better go and have Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After your eyes examined! Time yourself….. having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go Can you find the "C" ??? (Good exercise for the eyes!) and do something to occupy his time, like join a club OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO or get a hobby. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO When he got home his wife asked about his day and he OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO "What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO "Yeah, look I even got a membership card." OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO "Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO "Oh, great! now what am I going to do? I signed up OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO for 5 jumps a week! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Brooms: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO while they got to know each other so well, they decided OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the Find the 6! groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk 9999999999999999999999999999999999 broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. 9999999999999999999999999999999999 Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going 9999999999999999999999999999999999 to hurt. 9999999999999999999999999999999999 "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" Sounds 9999999999999999999999999999999999 to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999699999999999999999999999999999 Airplane Passengers 9999999999999999999999999999999999 A guy was seated next to a little girl on the airplane 9999999999999999999999999999999999 when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. 9999999999999999999999999999999999 I've heard that Flights go quicker if you strike up a 9999999999999999999999999999999999 conversation with your fellow passenger." 9999999999999999999999999999999999 The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to Find the N! talk about?" MMMMMMMMMMMMM "Hhmmmm... How about nuclear power?" said the MMMMMMMMMMMMM guy. "OK" she said. "That could be an interesting topic. MMMMMMMMMMMMM But let me ask you a question first. A Horse, a Cow, MMMMMMMNMMMMM and a Deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer MMMMMMMMMMMMM excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, MMMMMMMMMMMMM and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do MMMMMMMMMMMMM you suppose that is?" The guy thinks about it and says, MMMMMMMMMMMMM "Hmm, I have no idea." The girl replies: "Do you feel MMMMMMMMMMMMM qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't MMMMMMMMMMMMM know shit?"
June 2007 • 27 TODD HUMOR Leather Shoes He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs store. Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, it's all he can think about. and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community if they are pregnant?" Holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first grass in the morning, they're pregnant . If they're in time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, the mud, they're not." "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" The next morning the pigs were rolling in the Startled, Sophia replies, mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do family station wagon again and proceeded to try you know?" again. This continued each morning for more than a Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 week. Boccelli leather shoes. The next morning he was too tired to get out of How do you like them?" bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" or in the grass." Rosa answers, "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?" wagon and one of them is honking the horn." He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. Best Mother in Law Joke How do you like them?" A married couple was in a terrible accident where Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is the man's face was severely burned. The doctor being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. told the husband That they couldn't graft any skin Midway through the dance his face turns red. from his body because he was too skinny. So the He states, wife offered to donate some of Her own skin. "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear However, the only skin on her body that the doctor no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!" felt was suitable would have to come from her Carmela smiles coyly and answers, buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight." would tell no one about where the Skin came from, Gennaro gasps, and they requested that the doctor also honor their "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. $300 Boccelli leather shoes!" After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more Pig handsome than he ever had before! All his friends A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he and relatives just went on and on about his youthful decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So you did for me. How Can I possibly repay you? My they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need to let the pigs mate. every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
June 2007 • 29 JOKES, JOKES, JOKES
50 Years Together the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years laying there so provocatively. 'What are you doing?' he asked. together Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a 'This is my love dress, ' she whispered, sensually. Sunday dinner in their honor. 'Needs ironing, ' he said. 'What's for dinner?' "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son His funeral will be held Thursday! number one... "Sorry I'm running late... Had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have Time to get you both a present." Essential Workplace Vocabulary "Not to worry," said the dad.. "the important thing is Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and that we're all Here together today." elsewhere)!!! Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look Great, Dad, I just flew in from L. A. And 1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing didn't have time to get You a present... Sorry." why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to responsible. be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is 2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a sending me out of town and I was really busy lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. Packing... So I didn't have time to get you guys anything."Again the father said, "I really don't care, at 3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to least the five of us are together today." absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss After they had all finished dessert, the father put rather than working hard down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I 4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years 5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles. your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... We just never found the time to get 6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops married." something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're over the walls to see what's going on bastards?" "Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones, too." 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer The Love Dress to the couch potato. Woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked 8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being 'I'm waiting for my husband to come home from stressed out and work, ' the daughter-in-law answered. whiny. 'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been 'Love dress? But you're naked!' rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from 'My husband loves me to wear this dress, ' she extensive use. explained. 'When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she photocopies from one's workplace. undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on continued on page 33
30 • June 2007 Casey’s 32 • June 2007 HUMOR
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles Louisiana: that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying... watching them. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in 13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers Mississippi: beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from The young man from Mississippi came running into the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? "The young man 15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. West Virginia: A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on 16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food "Bout whut?" joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. North Carolina: 17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of after hitting send on an email by mistake). flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as 18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. 19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, passing through a Cube Farm. "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the Living in the South front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee: And My favorite: The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an You can say what you want about the South, but you invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some never hear of anyone retiring and moving North! mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much Unanswered Question would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and Dearest friends, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love I am writing to you to ask for your help in shedding those Tennessee women. light on a perplexing situation I find myself contemplating. I have selected you as the group to aid Alabama: me because you have known me for a year and I value A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired your opinion.Your religious experiences are varied and off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned that is important to the problem with which I am faced. alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. Over the years, we have all observed the seemingly "Where's Henry?" the others asked.." Henry had a stroke of random factors that affect all of our lives, sometimes some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the without apparent rhyme or reason.We have seen some successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and marriages dissolve over nothing and others grow carried the deer back?" they inquired. " A tough call,"nodded stronger under adverse conditions. We have seen fate the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" play a role in who survives critical illnessescontinued and on pagewho 35
June 2007 • 33 34 • June 2007 HUMOR succumbs to them.We have all seen good people suffer great misfortunes while some people of low character thrive. In our Traveling Salesman lifetime, we have seen Churches and Religious institutions all One very dark and stormy night a traveling salesman around the world become revised, televised, energized, and was driving along a country road. The rain was so heavy even scandalized. he could hardly see two feet in front of him. He decided We are all well aware that a higher power has control of that he should stop for the night but didn't know where. nearly all things. Personally, I have stood in the doorway of a Just then he saw a faint light in the distance and headed 7/11 in Dallas amid a shootout between the police and a toward it. It was a big old country house and the lights gunman and walked away unscathed. On a golf course, I saw were on. a lightning bolt strike a man dead while those of us nearby "This is great!" he thought and, mustering up the where untouched. courage, opened the car door and ran for the house. He We all watched as Hurricane Katrina ravaged some areas of the coast and left other nearby homes standing intact. The knocked hard on the front door. An elderly lady answered enormity of these random and seemingly unfair applications of with her left breast hanging out and she was rubbing it. good or bad fortune is at the core of my dilemma. Shocked the man ventured a look in and saw an equally I have studied sacred writings of all major religions elderly man walking down the stairs holding and umbrella searching for an answer, and now I pose the question to you. and masturbating furiously. He thought that this was a I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe little too weird even for him and ran back to the car. could take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind. A couple of miles down the road he was lucky enough to see another light and thought that his luck may be A Grandmother's Letter better here. He stopped the car, worked up his courage Dear Grandson: and ran for the front door. He knocked and waited. An I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few old man answered the door. changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have "Excuse me but I'm worried about driving in this storm become a frivolous old gal. and was hoping you could put me up just for the night," I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. he explained. The old man was sympathetic "Normally I As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. would but I've got all my relatives staying with me from Then I go to see John. the city. But about two miles back down the road is an Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. elderly couple with plenty of room". When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of "I've been there" said the salesman "And they are the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he really strange. takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really She has her left breast out rubbing it and he is holding tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. an umbrella and masturbating." What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. "Oh don't worry about that" the old man explained, Love, Grandma P.S. The preacher came to call the other "They're deaf and dumb. She's telling him to go milk the day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I cows and he's telling her to get stuffed, it's raining." told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'." The Chimpanzee Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant Yacht Club happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club, "Hey, baby, the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the would you help me 'raise my mast'?" books: the Bible, and Darwin's "Origin of Species". "No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning." Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?" The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."
June 2007 • 35 HUMOR Age French Fighter Pilot Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, like to get old is when we're kids? Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited beautiful day, and love is in the air. about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" you?""I'm four and a half." Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's You're never 4 and a half ....You're four going on 5. lips. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. back. You jump to the next number. "How old are "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have you?""I'm gonna be 16." red wine!" You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. She smiles and they start kissing. Then the great day of your life: you become 21. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, Even the words sound like a ceremony. You kiss me lower." BECOME 21....Yes!! Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Then you turn 30. Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN white wine!" 30. They resume their passionate interlude and things really Then you're PUSHING 40... stay over there. steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, You REACH 50. kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and 40; you REACH 50. Then you MAKE IT to 60. lights it on fire. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, Wednesday... WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!" "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." An Englishmanm Scottsman, and And it doesn't end there.... Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was an irishman: JUST 92." An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an Arithmetic: impression on their audience. He's teaching her arithmetic, The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his He said it was his mission, colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. He kissed her once, he kissed her twice When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he And said now that's addition, was doing. And as he added smack by smack, "Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated In silent satisfaction, breasts and thus, ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated She sweetly kissed him back, balls and thus, gentlemen. So my speech started - Ladies and And said now that's subtraction, Gentlemen". Then he kissed her 'n she kissed him, On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to Without an explanation, himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started And both together smiled and said. his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above That's multiplication, his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Then dad arrived upon the scene, "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my And made a quick decision, chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying - Deer He kicked the kid three blocks away, Ladies and Gentlemen". And said that's long division. Continued on page 37
36 • June 2007 HUMOR
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and to try it again." started his speech by making an antler symbol above his She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 masturbating furiously. lb, you have fiddled and farted around, and you've When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was missed your plane to Chicago." doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest, then my groin and then masturbating, I was starting my Penny Pincher speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying great pleasure.. the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. Larry Laparise As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a we need to pause and remember what life is all about. man by the tip he leaves." There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better the song "Hokey Pokey," died this past week at age 83. of him. "Oh, really? It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the Tell me, what does my tip say? casket. They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." rest... Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough. Flying Nun "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner true, too." and saw one of those weighing machines that tells your weight "And the third penny tells me that your father was and fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to also a bachelor." see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out A Whales Tale came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb, and Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming you are going to Chicago, Illinois." side by side in the ocean. She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. his father. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" fiddle." When they were close enough, the male said, "Why The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That From nowhere a cowboy appeared, came over and set his will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under playing beautiful music. the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the incredible. I've got to try it again." sea and broke into a million pieces. Back to the machine she trotted. She put her nickel in and The pair of whales started to swim off when they another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to lb, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. wind." The male whale was furious and said to the female Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, with that, she swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" tripped getting off the scale and suddenly broke wind. That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the sea men."
June 2007 • 37 HOROSCOPES By: Kris Brandt Riske ARIES: THE RAM (March 20 to April 19) continues to energize your solar Seventh House of close You’re at your social best thanks to Venus, which enters relationships through June 23. Invite romance into your Leo, your solar Fifth House of pleasure, June 5. This life, especially in mid-June; if you’re single, the most alignment is also a major plus for your love life, whether likely location may be out of town while socializing with you’re single or committed. If you’re searching for friends after Venus enters Leo on June 3. romance, socialize with friends where you can meet other singles and ask a pal to introduce you to someone who SCORPIO: THE SCORPION (Oct. 23 to Nov. 22) might be a good match. Although the fast pace at work limits leisure time this month, that’s all the more reason to set aside a few TAURUS: THE BULL (April 19 to May 20) evenings to socialize with friends. If nothing else, plan a Your love life benefits from favorable planetary lineups weekend away to reconnect with pals or your partner. A that stir passion and romance. But deciphering the chance encounter mid-month could spark a whirlwind feelings of family members may be tough, especially at romance, but if you feel the zing with a co-worker, get month’s end, when Venus in Leo aligns with Saturn and better acquainted after hours. Neptune. Communication can be a challenge after Mercury turns retrograde June 15, so clarify your SAGITTARIUS: THE ARCHER (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) thoughts and words and avoid assumptions. If you meet You’re drawn to people as the June 15 New Moon in someone intriguing, keep the thought. It might be mid- Gemini, your solar Seventh House, focuses your attention August before you get together. on relationships. This influence favors love, family ties, and close friendships, and some singles commit to GEMINI: THE TWINS (May 20 to June 21) lifetime togetherness. Although the accent is on personal New love liaisons get off to a fast start in early July, while relationships, the lunar energy also highlights business coupes delight in passion and rediscover how much they partnerships and professional consultations. This month’s have in common. Your social life is equally active during other planetary lineups, however, advise some caution the same period and, with Venus entering Virgo on July 4, with these alliances. Check credentials. Protect consider hosting a holiday get-together. As Venus begins resources. to slow before turning retrograde, so does your social life. CAPRICORN: THE GOAT (Dec. 21 to Jan. 19) CANCER: THE CRAB (June 21 to July 22) You’ll fee closely connected to people this month, with Your summer social life gets off to a fast start June 24, Venus in Cancer, your solar Seventh House of when Mars enters Taurus, your friendship sign. Be alert relationships, through June 4 and the Sun in the same for networking opportunities as you meet new people, sign after June 19. This positive influence can benefit but choose your words with care. Mercury in Cancer both personal and work relationships as it emphasizes turns retrograde June 15, increasing the odds for a mutual understanding and support. Even so, take nothing misunderstanding. June has two Full Moons. The Blue for granted. Mercury, also in Cancer, turns retrograde Moon on June 30 in Capricorn, your solar Seventh House June 15, increasing the odds for misunderstandings and of close relationships, triggers talk of commitment for false assumptions. Your social life and your love life get a some single. If you’re among them, listen to your inner burst of energy June 24 when Mars enters Taurus, your voice and do what’s right for you. If you’re unsure, romance sign. Give TLC to your partner or turn on the postpone the decision. charm and attract someone new.
LEO: THE LION (July 22 to Aug. 22) AQUARIUS: THE WATER BEARER (Jan. 19 to Feb. 18) An active social life continue to be yours, thanks to the The Full Moon in Sagittarius on June 1 lights up your New Moon in Gemini, June 15. The week of the June 1 solar Eleventh House of friendship, and the Sun in Full Moon in Sagittarius, which guides your love life, Gemini through June 19 accents romance and could bring a new romance through or with a friend. Be socializing. Fill your calendar with dates, events, and alert if you travel around that time and, if you’re half of a more – take the initiative to meet new people. Among couple, try to dash off for a few days of togetherness. them could be a soul mate who becomes a lifelong friend or romantic partner. You also could click with a neighbor VIRGO: THE VIRGIN (Aug. 22 to Sept. 22) or someone you meet at a community event as Mars With Venus in Cancer through June 4 and the Sun travels in Aries through June 23. arriving in the same sign June 20, you’ll enjoy time with friends this month. But with Mercury retrograde the last PISCES: THE FISH (Feb. 18 to Mar 20) two weeks of June, quiet evenings and weekend outings You’ll be in the mood for summer fun, love and with your closest pals will be more appealing. This socializing with Venus in Cancer, your solar Fifth House month’s second Full Moon, on June 30 in Capricorn, of recreation and romance, June 1-5, and the Sun there could prompt you to move on if a dating relationship isn’t after June 19. Be sure to confirm dates, places, and working out. Do what’s best for you. times. If you’re on the lookout for a new relationship, month’s end could bring you face to face with someone LIBRA: THE BALANCE (September 22 to October 23) intriguing. But it might take until mid-August before you Love is almost anywhere you look for it, as Mars in Aries actually get together to explore the possibilities.
38 • June 2007
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40 • June 2007