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Issue 933 - Weekly Thursday 19th March 1998 Budget praise: can Labour do no wrong?

The Guardian claimed that the Chancellor MattPannell had shown hints of both “Red Gordon and Editor Flash Gordon”, and even the Daily Mail praised Mr Brown for his ‘Purity and Zeal.’ Tuesday’s budget statement by the Liberal Democrat leader Paddy Ashdown Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon was broadly positive, though Mr Brown, he Brown, was yesterday greeted with almost said, had been “too timid” with his extra universal praise. Commentators and news- public spending. The inflation forecast of papers from across the political spectrum 3% would effectively chop £750million greeted the package, calling it “fair and from public spending, “cancelling out the ambitious”. The Chancellor had no mea- new money for Education and Health.” sures aimed specifically at students, though a so-called ‘University Challenge’ package The budget’s main proposals include: Tax of £50 million is to be introduced, enabling relief for low income families, with the aim Universities to bid for grants, designed to of encouraging work. Chancellor Gordon Brown with his budget on Monday ‘turn scientific discoveries into commercial- ly viable projects’. The changes which will affect students most Protect your antiques on directly (students not generally being wor- According to Conservative leader William ried about tax on their £50,000 savings Hague, who had the first chance to voice his accounts) are: criticism of the budget, “Under this Labour the mean streets of Surrey government, after the taxes that have taken nBeer: Up only 1p per pint. So don’t let Danny Symington’s view is that people place over the last ten months, the typical them blame Gordon when they raise the John Dear family is £798 worse off in a year. Nothing beer prices in Chancellors next year. wishing to sell antiques should do so the Chancellor has done today remotely n through a recognised dealer and they should Petrol: Up 23p per gallon When we hear the word,”crime”, various compensates for the price people have paid n not let strangers into their houses. Sound Diesel: Up 29p per gallon images startle our brains. Murders. Rapes. over the last 10 months for a Labour gov- n advice from a man who clearly deserves a £500 million extra on public transport Indecent assaults. Muggings. Drug addicts ernment.” He went on to claim credit for promotion. (mostly going on the London underground) taking their crack, smack and other things the economic conditions which had enabled n DS Symington doesn’t stop there. For Cigarettes up 21p per packet that rhyme with “ack”. There simply can’t a balanced budget to emerge in the first example, consider this scenario. Time is be any crimes worse than these ,can there? place: “This government were lucky when tight, and you rush off in your Volvo estate One area of worry for commentators Or can there? A recent fax from Guildford they started; they inherited the fastest (or Sherman tank) to drop the kids off at seemed to be the danger that interest rates police gave us wind of a new terror. Yes, the growth of any major European economy, school. You jump out and walk little Simone would have to rise in order to restrict an streets of our beloved Guildford are being they inherited unemployment falling fast.... and Norbert into the playground . When you overheating economy. This could in turn soiled by a different sort of crime. Quickly, It was the Chancellor’s duty to preserve a return to your car, something is wrong. Oh increase the strength of sterling, already turn off the lights and hide under a duvet, golden economic legacy, and step by step, no! Your brand new Gucci handbag contain- high on the international currency before you are caught by the menace of he has been dismantling it.” exchanges. Good news for British tourists ing that rare photograph of Leon Trotsky phoney antique dealers! has been stolen! Dummkopf! You forgot to abroad (and LIS students on placement) this These criminals in waistcoats often call Yesterday’s newspapers did not share his lock the car! What can be done to rectify could hit exporters, as prices of manufac- unannounced on householders and offer to scepticism, however, with the Sun claiming this problem? Symington has the answer, tured goods in the UK effectively rise for value family furniture. Once inside a house, that the measures would “hit all the right “Even if they are leaving the car for only a those purchasing from overseas. William they use highly persuasive jargon to trick targets”, and the Independent adding that few moments, we advise drivers that the Hague immediately pounced on this: “For owners into parting with their heirlooms for the budget “will change lives for the better.” doors are locked, and valuables are kept out industry, he [the Chancellor] has created the insultingly small sums of money. The “deal- The Mirror suggested that Mr Brown had of sight.” The advice merely points out that worst of all worlds, higher tax and higher er” may convince the owner that their furni- “Managed to give to the poor, without tak- Guildford is a relatively safe area of the interest rates... businesses are being cruci- ture is riddled with woodworm to make the ing from the rich....No budget in memory country. So, in the immortal words of fied by the exchange rate!” crapulent offer seem more reasonable . has done more for the low-paid and poor.” Crimewatch, sleep tight and don’t have According to the fax, Detective Sergeant nightmares. News 1 n Features 3 n Letters 4 n Music 6 n Entertainments Guide 7 . Cinema and Arts 8 n Union News 9 n Notices & Personals 9 n Sport 12 . ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:32 Page 2 (1,1)

2 News Thursday 19th March 1998 n He’s a suit, but not as we know it James Buller’s News in Brief Vatican Apologises To Jews New Union Manager gets his grilling

After more than 50 years the Jewish com- (the Vatican claims the Christian church A fortnight ago, the for 2s 6d, the amount it would Chris Evans / Zöe Ball? cost to buy as scrap, but I had it Zöe Ball, without a doubt. munity has received an apology from the saved thousands of Jewish lives), it does appointment of valued last year at £900. Times / Guardian? Vatican, for failing to oppose the holocaust seem to acknowledge that more could have Dennis Frost as Guardian in World War 2. The Pope during the war been done. This is the latest act by John General Manager of Give three words, which you Dale Winton / Anthea Turner? years, Pius the Twelfth is said to have had Paul II, who has spent his 20 year papacy the Students’ Union think best describe yourself. Neither of them. Anthea Nazi leanings. Although he is not criticised striving to improve Jewish relations. was announced. Our Enthusiastic, welcoming… Turner is so inane. She doesn’t interview reveals open… friendly, something like help the women’s liberation From Hair To Infinity...and beyond! that. argument at all. some welcome Approachable? Yes, that’ll do. Trevor McDonald / Michael 4.5 Million people are to pay $50 each to alien race that found the probe could find radical tendencies.... Buerk? send a sample of their hair into outer space. out about us (and even potentially clone Name the best TV programme Michael Buerk I suppose. But The 1lb package of hair, CD ROMS (and a the donors) from the DNA stored in their Andy Goodacre you watched last week. both of them are a bit lame. I Late Review, Thursday, BBC2 prefer John Snow. drive) will be blasted towards a far away follicles. (Lets hope they’re nice to them!) Features Editor solar system in 2001. The hope is that any 11:20pm. I also enjoyed the McDonalds / Burger King? BBC2 series ‘Having It All’ Again, neither. When the first Alton Towers Falls Into Oblivion Name: Dennis Frost about parenting. McDonalds opened in Britain in Woolwich High Street in The newest ride at the Midlands theme park teeters on the brink for a few seconds, Age: 45 1972, I was outside picketing has just been unveiled. Called “Oblivion”, before starting a sheer vertical drop subject- You can change two things in them. I don’t like either of Family:Partner, Christine and the 160 second, £12 million ride takes riders ing them to more G Force than astronauts the whole world. What are them. baby daughter Sophie, 7 they? Socialism / New Labour the equivalent of 16 storeys up. Then it upon take off. months. I’d like to see the Serbs and Socialism Croats sort out their differ- Cooker / Microwave Blunkett clobbers Oxbridge colleges What job were you doing before ences. And the Northern Cooker, although that’s a diffi- this one and why did you Ireland problem. cult one. Education Minisrter David Blunkett hoped other Universities. The money will be choose to become Union BBC2 / Radio 4 to bring an end to the row over funding for phased out from 1999 onwards, though the General Manager? Radio 4. I was brought up Oxford and Cambridge Universities on Universities will be able to bid for extra I was senior staff writer for ‘Who would you most like to without a television, and I do Tuesday. Oxbridge staff had been fighting money set aside for preserving ‘excellent’ three years on Classic have a one-2-one with?’ think Radio 4 is very good. to preserve their unique funding system, teaching practices, and for the upkeep of Motorcycle magazine, an inter- Mo Mowlam. She is so honest Titanic / The Full Monty nationally read magazine which brings in over £2000 per student historic buildings. - MJP and frank, and a breath of fresh The Full Monty about… Classic Motorcycles, air. I imagine some of the pro- Tesco / Sainsbury’s more than the average amount spent on having learned journalism from tagonists in Northern Ireland Sainsbury’s Is That A Contraceptive In Your Pocket or... scratch. Before that I had must think so too. I’d to ask This Morning with Richard and worked in three other student her just how close they were to Judy / Oprah Winfrey? unions, both as General Technology has finally done it-electronic up to a month. Normal service resumes a peaceful settlement. This Morning with Richard and Manager and in other posts. I Judy contraception (and no it isn’t electric shock within two months however with no long took the Surrey job at a time John Major / John Redwood? therapy!). The Chinese pager size device term ill effects, according to the Chinese when there was a number of To which country in the world John Major transmits pulses, which in one hour kill all inventor. vacant student union General would you least like to go? Chelsea FC / Battersea Dogs of a mans sperm, making him infertile for Manager jobs. I had very much East Timor, in the Indonesian Home? enjoyed working with students sub-continent. It is so Oh, Battersea Dogs Home defi- and student politics before, and oppressed at the moment, I nitely – I hate football. was glad to get back into it. think I’d find it too upsetting. Mohammed Al-Fayed / Queen Elizabeth II? What does the Union General Should USA attack Iraq? Queen Elizabeth II. I’m no Manager do? No. They should let the UN great monarchist, but I do think Two things. The first is the take the lead. Although I think she is professional in what she more typical managerial role, Saddam Hussein is a psy- does. And Mohammed Al- being in charge of all the staff chopath, I think the Iraqi peo- Fayed is a bloody loose can- through a hierarchical system, ple will have to overthrow him. non. being responsible for the opera- Bitter / Lager? tions of the Union, ensuring all What do you most fear? Bitter the bars and catering facilities The breakdown of the open CDs / Vinyl? are running OK, and making civilisation which we are at Vinyl sure that the Union provides as present lucky enough to experi- Public Transport / Walking? good a service to its students as ence. Walking probably, although I it can. am much in favour of public For each of the following pairs, transport. What was the first album you say which one you prefer...... NHS / BUPA? ever bought? NHS. The first single I ever bought was Lazy Sunday by the Small Faces. I think the first album I bought was Sgt Pepper’s, although it may have been Revolver. I can definitely remember buying Sgt. Pepper’s though, and I still think it is the best album they made.

Where did you go on your last holiday? I didn’t go on holiday last sum- mer, with the baby being born, but in 1996 I went to Spétses, one of the Greek Islands. What car do you drive? An Austin Metro. I drive a bor- ing car but an exciting motor- bike.

What motorbike do you ride? A Velocetts classic motorcycle.

What is the best bargain you ever bought? When I was 16, I bought a sta- tion clock for 2s 6d. It was sold Dennis Frost, Students’ Union General Manager as from last week ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:33 Page 3 (1,1)

n Thursday 19th March 1998 News & Notices 3 Talent tension mounts Cannabis debate Oh no, it’s kicks off on campus ands are shaking, songs are being on the stage once a year. Seriously, though, written and practised and talent is a big thank you to everyone who has entered On Sunday the 28th of September 1997, a the Silly Spot! rapidly emerging. The standard of this year, and best of luck to all those who national newspaper printed a front page H headline that read ‘The time is right to the entrants to this years talent competition go through to the final. so far has been really amazing. So many decriminalise cannabis’. Blimey, thought I, e are shocked and disgusted by people come out of the woodwork to shine this is a bit bold coming from one of the some of the things we have seen The final will be an all day event, on country’s quality newspapers. As I started at recent silly nights. In the past reading the article, I couldn’t help but think W Sunday, 22nd March, starting at 1 PM in the few weeks, us vestal virgins have seen Main Union. It will be a great day, full of that the editor of the Independent on cheese coming not with bread, but with hel- music and debauchery, as it’s also Beer Fest Sunday had taken leave of her senses mets. I like a bit of Cheddar and it’s my that day. Entry is free all day, so you can decideding she no longer wanted her job. I sheep that likes the mould. Now, we hear come and hear the best of the bands, whilst imagined that she was clearing out her desk that in week 10 there is going to be a BAD enjoying some marvellous ale. I can assure at that very moment. The Sun said, the next TASTE silly party, with no jelly or ice you that it’s well worth coming to hear the day, ‘The Independent on Sunday has gone cream, but sick and deprived individuals. finalists - it’s going to be a tough decision to pot’, and backed Home Secretary, Jack Apparently they will not just be wearing on who goes through, but whoever it is, it’ll Straw’s hard line stance on the issue. I reck- hideous items of clothing, but will dress up be a fantastic show. Prizes include £150, a oned that the campaign would last two, per- in a vulgar manner. Why do we want to see gig at “The Star” pub in town, HMV vouch- haps three weeks. How wrong can one be? people dressed as necrophiliacs? We want ers, Firkin Beer vouchers and hopefully nice young men with tank tops on and young some free tickets to this years Guildford Almost six months on and the Independent ladies with pretty bows in their hair, who Festival. on Sunday’s campaign continues to gain love kittens and flowers. support from politicians, police officers, The format of the day will be: finalists play doctors, celebrities and readers. If you are thinking of taking part in this dis- 1 PM - ??? depends on how many items go eased night, just to get cheap doubles & a through to the final...followed The forthcoming Student Council Meeting mixer (for £1), then you will have no morals by an evening extravaganza of where a debate is going to be held on the what so ever and will never reach enlighten- the winners of the talent com- cannabis issue. Whether you believe that ment. Blah Blah Blah...... De Dah. petition supporting our main anyone found in possession of a small Rise up oppressed virgins! Reject alcohol, feature, Rootjoose. Come amount of cannabis should be shot, or that make a stance against vulgarity, but if you along for a taste of the BEST it should be an ingredient of school dinners, don’t know about certain sexual practices; entertainment of the year, or somewhere in between, I urge all of you ask! brought to you by UnPlugged. to attend as we have invited some excellent speakers to address the meeting. These Harriet Simms include Greg Poulter, the deputy director of Love from the vestal virgins & their pet the drugs agency ‘Release’. SHEEP ‘Dave’ in action on Tuesday night. The band will appear in Sunday’s final. STOP PRESS: Are you the next Quentin Tarantino? If you will be in Guildford in June and want to help produce a film, see notices (p10) ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:33 Page 4 (1,1)

4 Letters/Editorial Thursday 19th March 1998 n

Your Letters Pornography complaint was ‘naive’ Dear Editor, argument, as offence is no reason to censor Another U-turn on student finance? anything. I suspect there are people who are Letter of the week - to have some confirmation of this from the Interesting points made in the letter in Bare offended by the fact that women wear short skirts and skimpy tops when going out. By 4 cinema tickets await author Student Loans Company or the Facts issue 931 (‘Ban Pornography Within Government. the University). Personally I am not offend- the logic of your argument because people Dear Editor, ed by pornography, in many ways I am in are offended the women should cover them- Also, I would like to add another slant to the favour of it. I am also an exponent of free- selves up, especially as they only wear the Back in the depths of time, I remember at recent discussion our witty rogue publica- dom of expression and I would argue that clothes because they have been taught by NUS campaign against the privatisation of tion the Naked Truth. It would appear that we need to liberalise the obscenity laws in men that men find them attractive when student loans, which I think had support 2 sabatical candidates at Sheffield Halam this country. I remember in my first year we they dress in this way. from a certain mainstream political party. Uni have taken the idea one step further: had pictures of men without their shirts on You also imply in your letter that there is a With the campaign now having turned they have been barred from elections after in our KUB and the women, I would causal link between pornography and towards the more severe threat of tuition they bared all on their posters. Mr Hogg, assume, would ask for these to be banned assaults on women. There is some evidence fees, it has gone unnoticed that the same 21, who was standing for president was pic- around campus as they portray men as to prove this, but there is also evidence that party has now privatised a third of the stu- tured naked with a bag of strategically- objects of desire. Would you also ask for pornography has a cathartic effect and does dent loans debt. Control has been given to placed chips with the slogan: “The whole fashion publications to be removed from the in fact stop some people from attacking NatWest, who will receive a subsidy of Hogg, the man who gives you the Naked university as they objectify women (in a women. Attacks on women are due to £60m per annum to run the loan book. In Truth!” passive way) and often contain sexual power imbalances in society, so why not theory the terms of the loan agreement will images? stand by your convictions and ban relation- remain the same, although it would be nice Richard Hiscoke Your main argument is that as some women ships on campus as they will always be are offended by something then it should not unequal until society is equal and therefore I’m sick of fees debate, writes ‘fascist’ be banned. What about the women that are they will be exploitative. pro-pornography and are trying to produce You say it is for the sake of all students that Dear Editor, became busy once the evening began. In an alternative pornography with pro-women pornography should be banned, what gives you the right to dictate your opinions as if Congratulations on all of the coverage that order to qualify for the cheaper £1 for a dou- ideals? Or is your argument that pornogra- they are held by everyone? How would you you have given to the struggle over fees. ble drinks you had to sign the petition stat- phy is bad if it is exploiting women? In feel if your freedom to complain was However, this being the Surrey student’s ing that you were against fees. Such great which case you would not object to pornog- removed because someone found your newspaper you should surely be publishing confidence in the Surrey student’s opinion! raphy in which women are seen as domi- views offensive? stories that interest the Surrey University When I said that I wished to have a stamp nant, or even Gay and Lesbian pornography, As I said, I agree with a lot of the sentiment, students. I was in the Union on the but didn’t want to sign the petition, I was and therefore that should be allowed to be but I do believe that your tactics are nieve. Wednesday “no-fees strike day”. Despite informed that I was in fact a Fascist bastard. openly displayed around campus. the best efforts to publicise the event there At the simplest level I would object to your Nick Turner were very few people present. It only Richard Saulet Pornography: why not concentrate on real issues? Middle East issues: some ‘objective’ comment Dear Editor, age, ability etc) but in order to achieve this Dear Editor, mentation of the peace process but I am con- In response to the ‘ban pornography’ letter we need to concentrate real discrimination I have been reading in the last few weeks in vinced the peace will eventually prevail. in BareFacts 931, I feel that it is just anoth- in the workplace and community. I don’t our newspaper several articles expressing Israel cannot afford losing one war and is er example of pedanticness and stupidity in think that a few silly pictures match up to systematically pro-Iraqi and Anti-American therefore extremely cautious in its dealings. the cause of political corectness. Do people the major problems faced by many people views. It is about time that someone sheds As to the current Iraqi crisis let’s not fool have nothing better or more important to on a daily basis. a somewhat more balanced light on the ourselves...without the US military threat the latest agreement between Kofi Anan and worry about that what is on somebody’s cal- issue, in particular what regards the State of I have only briefly described my views on Saddam would never have been signed. endar? Okay, with all due respect to the Israel. this subject and by no means agree with I think that one should objectively analyse a young ladies involved, they didn’t say quite I cannot understand how people dare com- pornography. I respect women every bit as situation before forming his opinion. I am how ‘pornographic’ these pictures were pare countries like Israel and Iraq. Israel much as I respect men, and this Mr H is not a blind supporter of the USA but have to (and most people will agree there has to be might not always have complied with all clearly living in a different century. I just recognise that their role has been determi- a limit), but I can see nothing offensive with UN resolutions, like many other countries, wish people would use a little common nant even if there are obvious economic seeing a naked or semi-naked person (be it but it has never been threatening its neigh- sense and realise that they are not going to interests at stake. As to the Israeli- female or male). After all, everyone has a bours with chemical and bacteriological like everything everybody else does, in Palestinian issue, if two opposite personali- bodty and we all know what one looks like. weapons. It is not led by a brutal dictator which case ignore it and get on with your totally disinterested in the faith of his peo- ties like Rabin and Arafat have the courage People seem to spend too much time, work, own life! ple. His stubbornness regarding the UN to meet and negotiate we have good reasons and money sorting out such issues as above, inspections prevents the UN from lifting the to be optimistic but at the same time patient. as if they are frightened to tackle real and Robert Nicholson embargo. Only he can put an end to the One could also argue that the current con- important issues. I am a hundred percent in population’s sufferings. So let’s stop blam- flict has its source in the fact that the Arab favour of equality in all respects (sex, race, ing the outside world and play Saddam’s countries refused the UN partition plan of Palestine in 1948, not Israel. Lets however game! Israel is the only democracy in the Three cheers for the strippers region. The essence of democracy is plural- look into the future since there are many ism and democratic elections. The new people of good will on both sides who are Dear Editor, Harry’s Bar I was disturbed to notice a mid- elected government might have different striving for peace! dle aged man removing his clothing in front and maybe criticiseable views on the imple- I have just read last weeks Bare Facts of a ‘young lady’. This continued, and as it Name & URN supplied (Thursday 12 March) and there appears to did a crowd began to build, the majority of be somewhat of an uproar regarding whom were female. The behaviour was to pornography on the university campus. say the least degrading to all of those Unfortunately I am not aware of the full involved. What was worse was that I was facts as I was unavoidably away from cam- forcibly ejected from my seat by two rabid pus during the period that all the commotion females, who were egging this degrading appears to have occurred. The reasons were scene on with shouts of “Get your tackle of course purely personal but I can confirm out”, as well as numerous other comments that they involve a dog, two pigs and a of a similar ‘vein’. What can be said? I can rather happy horse. No more need be said, only assume the man involved will be suit- but I can confirm that the result is now ‘rid- ably reprimanded, and all those ladies ing’ high in the Danish Porn Chart. Moving involved will: on swiftly, it seems a little strange that women (possibly the more trendy left ones (a) Give a big cheer. with the title Ms) are horrified by pornogra- (b) Tell those ‘women’ who have obviously phy. If this is so I can only assume that dou- had a sense of humour by-pass to ‘do one’. ble standards exist somewhere. Why do I (c) ‘Keep it up’, because it did provide quite say this? Trust me, if you were at last weeks a giggle. FNO you to would understand. As a young P.S. Copies of the photos are available, and gentleman (ish), I was somewhat shocked bulk discounts can negotiated. by the goings on that took place. Enjoying a quiet pint at around 11.30 p.m. near to Name & URN supplied ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:33 Page 5 (1,1)

n Thursday 19th March 1998 Advertisement 5 ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:33 Page 6 (1,1)

6 Music Thursday 19th March 1998 n

when they do have new lyrics. The drone of repetition does produce an interesting hypnotic ALBUM OF THE WEEK SINGLES effect in itself. The band have a very raw qual- ALBUMS ity to parts of their music but this isn’t a bad CAFFEINE - You Spin Me Round (Like A thing. In essence, both band and music get pro- UNITED DJ’S OF AMERICA - San Record Baby) (Fluffy Freako) gressively more weird. 7/10 G.T. Francisco / Chicago (Frisco Disco) Wow is this good, easily the best cover version House isn’t normally my favourite since they were invented. 9/10 F.F. TRANSISTER Look Who’s Perfect Now thing but here, the American vibes are (Virgin) pure, groovy and funky. They are mel- ARAB STRAP - Here We Go (Chemikal Indescript, random and slack. You’ll hear it, low tunes which go well in the back- Underground) hum along, forget about it but still hum along ground or as the centre of sound. In fact Uncomplicated, late night melancholia of next time and remember those Molko-esque this is the best collection of house I’ve ‘Here We Go’ is breathtaking whilst the ram- vocals being sweetly bitchy. 7/10 H.B. heard in a long time. Line up of D.J’s: blings of ‘Trippy’ are involved but amusing. Q, Mateo and Matos, Peter Funk and Either way it’s a relaxing experience - like a LYNDEN DAVID HALL - Do I Qualify? Southern Comfort. A brilliant CD from chilled out Whipping Boy. 8/10 D.J. (Cooltempo) the god old US of A. 9/10 C.H Apart from this being recorded in my home- IAN BROWN - Corpses (Polydor) town, this is a solid single. The Def Squad URUSEI YATSURA - Slain By (Che) This single is a lot darker than this last one remix is something to look out for. Hard fat Looking at the cover, you cannot be with low guitars and lyrics. Sounds a bit like beats. But as always there is something lacking sure what to expect. the CD starts off in the Auteurs did a couple of years back. 8/10 to make this a badass track. 7/10 I.U. the same way, the first two songs are I.P. completely different leaving you not BLONDE REDHEAD - Limited sure whether to dance, tap your feet or THE BLUETONES - Return To The Last Chance Saloon (Superior FELINE - Sun In My Eyes (Chrysalis) Conversation (Touch and Go). just lose it. Thankfully the album settles Quality) One of the few bands in which the lead singer When listening to this I get the weird feeling into a blend of class indie guitar music When reviewing the first single which was released from this album, is also the bassist. The vocals are dark but that it’s something I’ve heard before. Well if with a bit of jazz thrown in. Never one ‘Solomon Bites The Worm’ I thought it was brilliant. The album is even bet- sweet, making the group sound a bit your a mass Bagpuss and Placebo fan then it for the rule books, Urusei Yatsura have ter. The best track by far on this album is ‘If...’ (which is being released in Republica-esque, only better. Definitely a probably would, as the lyrics sound like come up with something that could be April) Other tracks which also stand out as being especially good are group to look out for. 8/10 E.C. Placebo’s ‘Swallow’, while the music sounds considered pure class, but will probably ‘Sleazy Bed Show’, ‘4-Day Weekend’ an of course ‘Solomon Bites The like the magical, mystical mouse organ. So be underrated. 8/10 F.F. THE HIGH LLAMAS - The Sun Beats “Heave Charlie mouse, heave!” 5/10 D.N. Worm’. There isn’t a poor track though on the album. As said on the press release “‘Return To The Last Chance Saloon’ is an album about and for Down (V2) V/A- Brassic Beats Vol. 3 (Skint) anybody who has ever loved, or been in, a band” and it’s true. If you have Meandering, bubbling, Reggie Perrin organ STATE OF MIND - This Is It (Ministry of This 12 track compilation from the liked anything that The Bluetones have done before go out and buy this blended with even dreamier vocals and topped Sound) coolest contemporary dance label album. 9/10 G.D. with melancholic strings. Are the ’Llamas In a similar vein to previous releases on this around. This supplies us with tracks touched with genius? 8/10 D.J. label, more standard garage fare. Complete from Fatboy Slim, Bentley Rhythm Ace floors up and down the land with ELO nine remixes of songs from the ‘Blur’ with an all-star remixer line-up from the likes and the hotly tipped Lo-Fidelity and Livin’ Thing, ‘Boogie Nights 2’ album, which is arguably their finest THE STALKER - Blast (Fierce) of Nu-birth, M&S - not too much bootie shak- Allstars. All the tracks are of a high looks set to do the same thing with K C album to date. There are three mixes of Orlando Voorn has finally given me hope in ing goin’ on here. 5/10 I.U. standard, full on party music, big beats & the Sunshine Band and Hot ‘Death Of A Party’, and two, the best the American dance styles. This second part to going off everywhere. New exclusive Chocolates ‘You Sexy Thing’. This CD mixes on the album, of ‘On Your Own’. the EP ‘Blast’ easily buries the first, and PORTISHEAD - Only You (Go Beat) tracks are from Space Raiders, Req, sure is “a wide load” 8/10 G.C. Thurston Moore’s noisy deconstruction breaks the US mould. Two first class stormers OK, so this is Portishead, a band who have Indian Rope Man, Cut La Roc and of ‘Essex Dogs’ is also interesting, the that no respected DJ should have to do with- become pretty huge and then seemed to disap- Hardnox, which can all be described as V/A - The Ultimate Drum & Bass: rest is frankly bobbins. The second CD out, complete with booming basslines, and pear. It’s a bit of a pity that they bothered to faultless, if you are in the right mood. If Part 1 and 2 (Massive) however is much more like it, six songs fantastic samples. Rinsin’! 8/10 M.B. come back really as the mixture of scratching you want cool uplifting tunes coming Some serious drum n bass. Excellent recorded live in John Peel’s garden. Beth’s weedy voice and at times music that from your CD player you can’t go collection. An essential must for all This is blur at their best, frenetic and PRINCE BUSTER - Whine and Grine deserves to be in a Bond movie gets a bit wrong with buying this. 8/10 N.W. DnB lovers. You just can’t go wrong. taut and quite simply rockin’. Probably (Island) tedious after a few mixes. 4/10 D.N. Both parts of the album contain 54 one for completists only, but that sec- It’s the one from the Levi’s ad and as such is COSMOSIS - Synergy (Transient) tracks. I had to pace myself when lis- ond CD is damn good. 6/10 R.W. desperately uncool to like, but it’s clever mar- THE SMILES - Say Something (A&M) This second album by the cosmic guys tening to these to ten tracks a day. Look keting picking up on a fashion for ska that This is the debut, limited-edition single from is the follow up to the critically out for ‘X-clusive’, ‘Renegade and SQUIRREL NUT ZIPPERS - Hot makes it so very now, although it’s from 1967. recently signed band ‘The Smiles’, overrated, acclaimed ‘Cosmology’, which was Keith Ray’ and of course, ‘Drum & (Mammoth) Makes absolutely no sense to me, but that’s its uninspiring, standard indie pop. The more I championed by DJs worldwide. Superb, Bass’. 7/10 I.U. This band certainly have one great asset charm. Splendid dub version too. 7/10 H.B. listened to it, the more I hated it. Well pro- energetic, full on, peak of the night gui- - their name. It is worth buying this just duced by Hugh Jones of Dodgy and Bluetones tar driven psychedelic trance with THE BOOM - Movin’ Out because of this (it’s the name of a brand JUNKIE XL - Saturday Teenage Kick fame, but this can’t hide the song’s lack of a Cosmosis blasting out of your speakers, (Slowdime) of sweet in America). The packaging (Roadrunner) tune. 4/10 N.W. control of your mind is out of the ques- A mixture of punk, blues, R&B and also has a lot of promises including Another single that suits its title. This is good tion! 8/10 G.C. jazz, featuring a saxophone-led, trom- interactive tracks on the CD ROM. The dance stuff for a small gathering (not a party, DAVID HOLMES My Mate Paul (Go Beat) bone accompanied and trumpet filled interactive part is fun and well present- honest) and the lyrics are rather fun. For exam- Are all the DJs from this genre now starting to STEVE STOLL - Blunted Boy sections with a big-band swing feel. ed. It gives you loads of video clips and ple:- ‘All obsessed with the taste of flesh’ and sound the same. Is there a certain code book Wonder (Nova Mute) The guitar work provides the blues interviews and the opportunity to ‘Do you know that bad girls go to hell? You saying that there’s a certain fashionable sam- Logical progression from his last dynamic backed up with the thick and scrawl on the band logo. Everything must take strength’ are good examples. A ple/style which needs to planted in every sin- album, less industrial, Mr Stoll seems smooth bass lines, while beat-heavy and would be fine if I was into 40’s music, whole section out of the song ‘100’ is entirely gle tune released. There must be, as this single to draw more from current Detroit and soulful drumming top it all off... quite but I’m not. The music is stepping given over to lyrics like this. Great fun! 7/10 is basically the catchy bit out of ‘Rude Boy global influences. Nice range of styles good if you’re into this sort of thing. straight out of the forties undiluted. G.T. Rock’ by Lionrock mixed with one hell of a displayed on the tracks, from dreamy 7/10 G.C. Have this group got a time machine?? simple, crappy sample repeated over and over. sequences to electro and grinding, and The members of the band are also LIBIDO - Revolving (Fire) 4/10 K.M. slightly acidic techno tunes. The whole SUBSTANCE - Spectrum (Ruff diverse and come from many unseemly A laid back guitar tune featuring smooth repet- album is nicely constructed and subtle Neck) walks of life such as a biomedical engi- itive riffs and a delicate male vocal. There is a WAMDUE PROJECT - Where Do We Go but still remaining firmly rooted in The album is a good reflection of DJ neer and a former Democratic party northern tinge to this although it is easily supe- (Eruption) techno clubland. 8/10 C.H. Dazees style. There is a strong Bristol member. This is catchy stuff but only rior to Oasis et al. A fair tune but not a great Gentle Trip-Hop break beats skid along, going influence and the jungle is unrefined. buy if you like that sort of thing. 6/10 one. 7/10 A.T. nowhere, as a soulful voice yearns, presum- V/A - Boogie Nights 2 (EMI) Wobbly beats are an essential feature G.T. ably, for the end of the song. 3/10 D.J. ‘Boogie Nights 2’ follows up on the and the funky vibes make it groovier. DAWN OF THE REPLICANTS - Hogwash phenomenal success of ‘Boogie Nights Very entertaining stuff. 7/10 C.H. RICHARD DAVIES - Telegraph Farm (EastWest) SUNHOUSE - Monkey Dead - The Soundtrack’, and features music (Blue Rose) “It’s all hogwash... nothing but hogwash”... (Independiente) taken directly from the film but which BLUR - Bustin’ And Dronin’ (Food) I hate to say this, but this is the worst Only joking, that’s just an example of the The tracks are slow mellow and monotonous, was not included in the first CD. This double CD was initially intended album which I have reviewed this year. lyrics from ‘Hogwash Farm’. I like this but it they all seem to run together into a depressing Having caused a sensation on dance- for the Japanese market. The first CD is Having said this, there is nothing really is perhaps, a little too long for full apprecia- puddle and end up sounding like a very dull wrong with any of the tracks, it is prob- tion. I could accuse this band of repeating too version of REM. 2/10 E.C. ably just a matter of taste. It was a many lyrics but at least the ideas are good struggle to be able to actually listen to the whole album. I wouldn’t really rec- INGLE F HE EEK S O T W ommend this album to any one, I don’t BACKYARD think that I will be listening to this BABIES - again. 3/10 G.D. Look At You (Coalition) REGULATOR WATTS - Regulator A mighty slice Watts (Slowdime) of in-your-face The first half the singer screams down raunchy rock- the microphone and tunes are non-exis- ’n’roll, think tent. The second half is just sparse gui- Guns’N’Roses tars with the odd bit of drums. Both without the halfs are crap. 2/10 I.P. bloated egos, mixing with This weeks music bought to you by - The Ramones Daniel Jones, Frank Fraulo, and the New Mathew Beal, Honey Butcher, York Dolls, DUST JUNKIES - Done And Dusted (Polydor) Christian Hunter, Ikaraam Ullah, topped with a The only band to even come close to filling the Union on a Sunday night finally Ian Purvey, Denise Nicholson, slice of The come through with their debut album. Starting off with ‘Nothing Personal’, the Gabriel-Oliver Chamero, Wildhearts. whole album is centred around a hip hop vibe with rasping rap lyrics about nothing Great. 9/10 in particular. All the singles are here but unless you have them you won’t recognise Emma Clarke, Kevin Marston, R.W. which tracks they are. There are no fillers and no mindnumbing solos, especially Nick Walsh, Georgina Tarrant, impressive when it is obvious that the guitarist is very good. Think Black Grape Andrew Thomas, Gemma Decent, with a harder edge and you’re getting close. Original and funky. 9/10 A.T. Rob Winder ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:33 Page 7 (1,1)

n Thursday 19th Marh 1998 Entertainments Guide 7 GIG GUIDE It is always advisable to confirm with the venue before travelling. Cineline - (01483) 578017 19.30 FILM:The Client Fri/Sat (20th/21st ) Athletico - London Camden 18.00 The Simpsons Underworld (0171 482 1932) The Man in the Iron Mask 21.00 Blackadder II Ferry ‘Cross The Mersey - Guildford 12:45, 15:55, 18:55, 22:00 21.30 Never Mind the Civic Hall (01483 444555) Gattaca Buzzcocks The Hybirds, The Smiles, Sol - 13:50, 16:30, 19:10, 21:50 20th Reading Alleycat (0118 956 1116) As Good as it Gets

Friday 18:00 TFI Friday 12:25, 15:25, 18:30, 21:40 Titanic 21.00 Dalziel & Pascoe Athletico - London Blue Note 12:15, 12:55, 16:20, 17:00, 20:30, 22.35 FILM: My Cousin Beekeepers - London Camden Barfly 21:10 Vinny (0171 482 4808) Good Will Hunting 21.00 It’ll Be Alright on the Finley Quaye - London Shepherds Bush 12:35, 15:30, 18:30, 21:30 Night 8 Empire (0171 287 1331) The Butcher Boy 22.00 FILM: Rob Roy Snug, Carrie, Headcopter - Reading 12:50, 18:45

21st 21.00 FILM: Postcards from Alleycat (0118 956 1116) Amistad the Edge “Jackpot” - London Subterania (0181 960 4590) 21:20 Saturday Fallen 14:00, 16:45, 19:30, 22:20 22.00 The Clive James IN Rootjoose, “Talent Show Kiss the Girls YOUR Winner” - Guildford, Surrey Show 13:00, 16:15, 19:20, 22:10 UNION University Flubber 21.00 Father Ted Dust Junkys - Portsmouth 12:45, 14:55, 17:05 (sat only) Wedgewood Rooms (01705 863911) 21.00 Robin Hood: Men In Fairytale (Sat only) 22nd Tights Rinse (Drum and Bass Night) - 13:00, 15:10 Sunday Reading Alleycat (0118 956 1116) Paws 11:45 (sat only) 10.30 Can’t Cook Won’t Cook 22.40 On Side A - Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms (01705 863911) Sun 22nd - Thurs 26th 18.00 The Simpsons Riser, Punkin Instigators, Optics - Reading Alleycat (0118 956 1116) The Man in the Iron Mask

23rd 18.00 The Monkees 21.00 Witness 12:45, 15:55, 18:55, 22:00

Monday Gattaca 14:30, 18:20, 22:50 (Sun) 10.30 Can’t Cook Won’t Finitribe - London Blue Note 12:50, 15:30, 18:20, 20:50 Cook Matchbox 20 - London LA2 (0171 434 (Mon-Thurs) 22.20 The Oscars 9592) As Good as it Gets 23.15 Seinfeld Obsidian, Release, Amoeba - Reading 12:30, 17:00, 20:10 23.40 The Larry Sanders Alleycat (0118 956 1116) Show Warm Jets - Portsmouth Wedgewood Titanic 14:00, 15:20, 19:00, 19:25 (Sun)

24th Rooms (01705 863911) 23.00 The Jack Docherty Wilson, Poor Rich Ones - London 13:15, 14:00, 15:20, 19:00, 19:25

Tuesday Show Kings Cross Water Rats (0171 837 7269) Good Will Hunting 12:10, 14:55, 17:40, 20:30 The Butcher Boy 10.30 Can’t Cook Won’t Cook 17:30 (Sun) 11:55, 17:30 (NB Not Wed) Lo Fidelity Allstars, Space PICK Amistad OF THE Raiders - Reading Alleycat 21.00 E.R. WEEK (0118 956 1116) 20:00 (Sun) 22.00 First On Four 14:15, 20:00 (NB Not Wed) 25th 22.30 Friends Fallen 14:20, 17:40, 20:30 Wednesday Kiss the Girls A - London Kings College 10.30 Can’t Cook Won’t 18:10, 20:40 (Sun) Cook Arab Strap - London ULU Athletico Strip - London Islington Hope and 12:30, 15:15, 18:10, 20:40 Anchor (0171 354 1312) (Mon - Thurs) 18.15 Third Rock From the Kangaroo Moon - Reading Alleycat (0118 956 Flubber Sun 1116) Dust Junkys - London Garage (0171 607 12:00, 14:05, 16:10 (Sun only) 1818) Fairytale 26th 23.30 The Jack Docherty Show Mercedes - London Kentish Town Bull And 12:30, 14:50 (Sun only) Gate

Thursday Paws 10.30 Can’t Cook Won’t Asian Dub Foundation - Portsmouth 12:15 (Sun only) Cook Wedgewood Rooms (01705 863911) Bluetones, Mover - Guildford Civic Hall (01483 444555) 18.00 The Simpsons Morcheeba - London Shepherds Bush Empire 21.00 Blackadder II (0171 287 1331) 21.30 Never Mind the Pocket Devils - London 100 Club (0171 636 Buzzcocks 0933) 27th Tribute To Nothing, dBH, Lockdown - Friday Reading Alleycat (0118 956 1116) 18:00 TFI Friday Warm Jets - London ULU Union Club opening hours Bluetones, Regular Fries - London Every weekday: Shepherds Bush Empire (0171 287 1331) Hurah, it’s the end of Fluke - London Holloway Rocket Sunday 22nd - Bullitt, term. Good luck with the 7pm-midnight Pizza + Fu Manchu - London Garage (0171 607 1818) Event Horizon dissertations, exams, Helyn Rose Bar Breakfast 8:30-11am “Jackpot” - London Subterania (0181 960 Helyn Rose Bar Lunch 12-2pm 4590) and postgrad research Hari’s Bar (drink & snacks) 11am-7pm Semi Junction, Waif, Jerc - Reading Alleycat Monday 23rd -Chasing (0118 956 1116) 28th projects. Amy, The Devil’s Advocate Chancellor’s lunch 12-2pm My Life Story, Drugstore, Inter, Twister - Chancellor’s afternoon tea 2:30-5pm Farnham Maltings (01252 726234) Saturday ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:33 Page 8 (1,1)

8 Arts Thursday 19th March 1998 n THE LEVELLERS Film Review: As Good Guildford Civic Hall, Friday 13 March 1998. Review - Ian Purvey he last time I saw the Levellers was back in As It Gets (15) T1993 and it was the first gig I went to so therefore it seemed amazing. Now five Bruce Chapman years on I’ve seen them again, in a large cavernous venue which unusually sounded Jack Nicholson, Helen damn good, whereas similar Hunt, Cuba Gooding Jr venues I find tend to sound rather flat. They started their Bitter, twisted, homopho- set with ‘The Game’, which bic, xenophobic, indescrib- was not what I’d of expected ably un-PC yet jaw aching- considering its off the 1991 album ‘Levelling The Land’, ly funny dialogue is what with this first song a mosh comes from the mouth of started down the front when they got the Levellers band had hardly left the stage. slush fiction writer, Melvin However all night the proper logo lights projecting onto it. The encore started with a cou- Udall in Nicholson’s come- mosh tended to be small and As this tour is not actually an ple of slow songs before get- back vehicle, As Good As only consisting of 30 or 40 album tour they played a lot of ting onto ‘Carry Me’ (recently It Gets. endearing dog does the film a bad thing! people , which was bad news their old stuff, around half of re-released as a B-side of Dog really kick in. Through for the crowd surfers as they the ‘Levelling The Land’ Train, not played tonight) and Melvin suffers from an looking after the mutt (that If you’re a PC Points of frequently got dropped, with a album, and playing classics ‘Dirty Davey’. That was the obsessive-compulsive dis- he had previously posted View watcher this is As further couple of hundred like, ‘Hope Street’, ‘15 Years’, end of the first encore. They pogoing politely. The crowd ‘Battle Of The Beanfield’, and soon came on for a second order. This basically means down the garbage chute) an Good As It Gets, as there’s really is quite a big mix with ‘Liberty Song’ (the last song encore in which they played that he is Phoebe from act of kindness is witnessed enough mileage in this to your 30+s and you under 16s in the main set), in which ‘Just The One’, followed by Friends meets Andy and Melvin slowly becomes keep you going until the all enjoying the same band. On somebody managed to get up ‘The Devil Went Down To Kauffmann wacko and more human and the audi- cows come home. If, how- stage the band jump around a on stage before being rushed Georgia’, which was a great utterly tactless with every- ence witnesses yet further ever, you’re a regular kind lot and give it some energy off the side by security. The end to the evening, only the one he meets - this guy good deeds. of guy or gal, this is a mar- rather than just standing on the main set finished way to early Levellers could cover a coun- must have size 12 feet vellous dialogue and char- spot for 40 minutes banging (before half ten) for there not try music song and give it judging the way he manges Nicholson plays the nutter acter driven comedy that’s out the tunes like some bands. to be an encore and indeed such energy. to put them in it. The main in this fresh romantic com- knocking on the door of The backdrop was quite nice there was so quickly that the brunt of his rantings are edy very convincingly. Titanic / Good Will gay neighbour Simon and Sneering, yet at the same Hunting / LA Confidential URUSEI YATSURA sassy waitress Carol (Hunt), time smiling, he manages to and Boogie Nights for who gives as good as she portray freak and friend Oscar honours. The only With Magoo and Six By Seven. Hanover Grand, 12 March 1998. Review and Photo Andrew Thomas. gets just to let off the steam very well. Hunt demolishes thing that lets it down is the ith an early start Magoo were play- that builds up from caring her performance in action- couples in the back seats ing to a half empty venue at 7pm. for her sick son. fest Twister, but she could- snogging factor! WMagoo’s take on punky pop was n’t have done anything but. appreciated by the crowd and expectations were raised as to what to expect from the next Only when Simon is hospi- Gooding Jr is the same 9/10 band on. talised and Melvin has to character from Jerry 6 by 7 are an experimental noise group that care for his ugly, yet Maguire, but that’s not such like to base entire songs on one note or chord. The vocals were shouted or screamed and just added to the earache. The crowd attempted to appreciate the sounds but you could see the relief when 6 by 7 left at half past 8. At 9m Urusei Yatsura took the stage. Playing much of the new album and throwing in a few old favourites the capacity crowd pogoed like crazy! With a top 40 single finally under their belts (‘Hello Tiger’, which exploded in at 40!) Urusei Yatsura are slowly moderating their noise and concentrating on the tunes. This still left room, however, for the gloriously shouty, ‘Kewpies Like Watermelon’. With much of the new material showing great potential they can expect to see their next single climb the dizzy heights of at least 38! THE BETA BAND Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms, 9 March 1998. Review - Nick Walsh any people will not have heard of The on stage and just start banging the drums, getting a Beta Band. They are out of all the ‘hotly groove going. Then the bass kicks in and they enter Mtipped’ bands who had their asses kissed in one of their songs, it was introduced but in a by the popular music press, the band which showed mumbled sort of way like a lot of the songs so I the most promise. They have had two e.p’s didn’t get the title. The Beta Band are such a weird released. The first ‘Champion Versions’ produced band it is almost impossible to describe what was by Verve guitarist Nick McCabe, that impressed the going on, there were two drum kits onstage, a set world with its stoned acoustic guitar plus strung of decks, on which one guy was mixing on, congas, out beats. The second record the ‘Patty Patty e.p.’ bongos, guitar and bass and countless other instru- released last week, got single of the week in the ments used to generate weird sounds. For instance NME, and was more of the same sonic magic. at one point in the set, the singer/guitarist wanted Before the gig, I didn’t know just what to expect, to play a bit of slide guitar, so he did it with a getting all the sounds which are going off on record sword. This may sound wacky with it fitted per- and being able to recreate them all live is no easy fectly within the mood of the evening. The set last- thing. So I went into the gig with a very open ed three quarters of an hour, but it seemed shorter mind. The DJ warming up for the night was one of as everyone was so absorbed in it. Off the ‘Patty the bands mates, playing classic tunes from the Patty e.p.’ they played ‘Inner Meet Me’, ‘The likes of Dr. John, N.W.A. and Led Zeppelin. The House Song’ and ‘She’s The One’, all recreated advantage of having a DJ starting, is it gets you in faithfully in a live context with almost everything the mood for the band on next and in this case giv- on the record played, but better because you are ing a insight into the bands tastes, showing, that actually there watching it. Everyone’s dancing they are aware of classic music, but not ruled by it. along whilst witnessing one of the best gigs they The venue, a small and cosy room, packed out with have ever viewed. If there is one band in Britain people (mostly journalists) coming to see the band which must be seen, then The Beta Band is it. on the first night of their first tour. The band enter ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:33 Page 9 (1,1)

n Thursday 19th March1998 Notices & Personals 9 Personals

■ Don’t break the law, change the ■ Dave and Giles playing table ■ Oh my God it’s gonna be so bad Twenty bloody quid I heard. FOR YOUR LIFE!! ■ H “I’ve had enough sexual law. Saturday 28 March tennis, at four in the morning? It’s like you can’t believe!!! ■ Worn a skirt recently Cushway I ■ When will DJ donuts make a encounters for one day... and now ■ Abbi, Hangover and buffalo = enough to make anyone flip. ■ Hi!! I am a big fat turtle!!! hear all love Moneypenny live appearance in onestop? I’m dripping!” four stitches ■ This week ( and last week) I ■ Green Shirt for Prime Minister! ■ Posh Spice, how long does a ■ How do they make the hole to ■ “Do you want to come, for a bit ■ Hey gorgeous Nav...... HAPPY have been mostly wearing womens ■ If you are at someone else’s back massage take. put the jam in DJ DONUTS? of tart, in 1A?” BIRTHDAY!! clothing!! house, wet,and wearing only a ■ Cathy the alcoholic has now ■ This week i have been mostly ■ “Oi, Jarvis, Get yer “Cock-up- ■ Jo - when’s the offy open?? ■ The Gulshan? BETTER THAN towel, make sure you go in the become Cathy the pizza monster. eating DONUTS!!!!!!!! Her” next time but hey, remember ■ Krust 2. Helen 13. The gap is THAT, THE BOMBEY SPICE!! right room ■ John Chews Doors continues his ■ Prolong your race lesson 1: the talcum powder!” getting longer. LOST - MEMORY FROM LAST ■ Did anyone hear about Chris’s incredible record of coming sec- Avoid anyone named Schumacher ■ Hey, “big ears” Could you not ■ The more I think, the more wor- FEW FRIDAY NIGHTS, IF cosy cross-dressing co-habita- ond!!! ■ I don’t care. That is our ball you face the fat on the burgers on rying I get FOUND PLEASE CONTACT tion?? (no lard though) ■ Katy is dispicable are playing with. Saturday ■ ■ ■ ■ Swpitwist BRAVEHEART!! The Cub loves the Bug! Ali is SHANDYBOY!!!!!!!! Smegnet alert !!! Mark has ■ ‘cos you ate too much fat on ■ ■ ■ ■ To be, or not to be. That is the Silly just once a week, but Hello house of 95 Addison Meera, does Havi want to use power. Operation 1.1.1.3 Friday Night??!!. ■ question. Whether ‘tis nobler in MAD all March! Road, SS. your mobile phone or something?! Happy 21st Birthday Andy ■ Hey gorgeous Nav...... HAPPY ■ ■ ■ Naz, stop attracting all the ban- R.!!!!SS the mind to suffer the slings... Mad March Measures - Are you FMF, Where are you? Where BIRTHDAY!! ■ Missing Minibus. Last seen left seeing double? did you go this weekend?SS gali guys at Bo’s!!Next time tell ■ My bollocks are multi-talented, ■ So you think you are going to on hill. ■ Go Mad for £2.25 at the Rat’s ■ Dave.C.M, I love you; your them to f**k off! you forgot to mention that they ■ ■ Chetan where are you? sing, dance and play guitar. have a great Birthday party Nav? I want to be a foot Castle - Bargain! lover H. ■ stool!!!!!!!!!!! So i can get a job.... ■ pushtara ! Do you want to be ■ Chinese for all courtesy of ■ SIMON! The sexiest Nurse ■ Sexy on Wandle 2 - how’s One WEYSIDE BIRD looking ■ Oh my God it’s gonna be so bad my personal bodyguard? Love... Andrew !!! around! Can’t wait to meet you ! progress with you know who??? for a funky bloke....Anyone up for like you can’t believe!!! ■ Karina! Davai vypiem za nashe ■ LARGE TIMES Sucks !!!!!! Give me 1 more week just after ■ Tanya!, why don’t you like the it...? ■ LARGE TIMES Sucks !!!!!! zdorovie!!! You know who I am, ■ Girl: Hi, I’m Wood, Bloke: Is exams! White House anymore? xxx ■ 2nd year Psychologists - united ■ Dangerous Sports Club equals don’t you? that Wood as in a Plank ? ■ S.E. - Leave the Beautiful North ■ Kate, is it easy resisting your in stress...... !!!! parachute club AGM, see notices ■ Kareem! Vice President of the ■ Cath Court Metal man prepares alone!! - Y.R.A. Civ Eng floor mate? ■ WEYSIDE BIRDS...look out ■ I must out sometime (fnar fnar) Russian society is waiting for you weaponry to subdue rival ■ Loudmouth in International ■ wEnd plays pool better when london!!!!! love from Dexter (you know my in WC. Bring the contract. ■ Cath Court metal man and Dex Marketing - SHUT UP!! she an ickle bit drunk! ■ Ginger pete - I LOVE real name) ■ Kat’s finally a fully fledged stu- limber up for the battle of the ■ Look out Div.3 - here come the ■ wEnd SEX... in a TELEPHONE YOU!!!!!!!! ■ Weyside Birds 4 Daryl (+ little dent. She’s off her trolly!!! From Goths! Shaymen! BOX... With our reputation... at ■ Roses are red Violets are blue friend in Onslow Road) 27. ■ Dexter looks desperatley for a ■ Have you met the Virgin Mary - 12am... Oh Well! Sara likes rugby players and Becca ■ ■ No one’s doubting your nasal ■ NURSE STEPH, HAPPY safe corner (or should!!) she’s blonde alledgedly wEnd K. is gorgeous no matter Does too!! ■ ■ integrity - Kryten ‘HALF WAY TO FORTY’ Ooo aarr Davey Coulthard, I Johnnie Boy was in the build- what she thinks!! ■ Weyside birds at Bo’s - shock- ■ ■ Marcus, you’re 2nd year SOMS BIRTHDAY. LOVE EM AND said ooo arr Davey Coulthard. ing. Nice one chap!! Bilingual matthew, fluent in ing behaviour ■ ■ !!!! MICHELLE Lesson One for making a race Smurf and his late nite phone Bollocks ■ Hey Dazza - We think you’re ■ calls - whatever next? ■ Oi Bunny Bird, WHERE’S MY Alan & Duncan - Locksmiths of it. Go through the pits every great. You the man ■ Helen. You and Jon are wearing and handymen for all occasions. 10th lap. ■ Those 2nd Year EconomIcs PORRIDGE?!? ■ Jo - when’s the offy open?? the same sweaters AGAIN. ■ DF - “Always ready for a large ■ MATTHEW whats that I can ladies are...swEEt!!! ■ Nice one GI, and about time ■ Weyside Birds 4 Daryl (+ little (Paddington) one”. smell ... Bullshit ■ Newly opened-the Fake too! ■ Handy tip: Don’t bother with ■ Wanted for DJ Donuts: New ■ SPIDERMAN, MIKE THE American Accent Club! Come to ■ come see the violence inherent friend in Onslow Road) ■ the new series of “Telly Addicts”. Coat, present coat need not apply CHEAT AND HOMO ANDY Hazel Farm and sign up with in the system...don’t you oppress HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my best It’s getting far too easy... I want to be a foot stool!!!!!!!!!!! ■ ALL GOT BERNIE ON FRI- Aswani! me - just let me bloody snore! friend NAV....Have a ball on your ■ Silly just once a week, but So i can get a job.... DAY!!! ■ Give a hoot, don’t pollute.. use ■ so MEV, how many geezers B’day! From ur “true” friend!!! MAD all March! ■ Stop Putting the personals about ■ Hi from all the L.I.S people to public transport.. like the Hazel before Easter? ■To the G4 of Worplesdon ■ You the teenage witch, dress up me in 3 F*****g times a those back in Guildford. Farm bus! ■ Thanks to the student who kind- Rd.....Kick some S.C Ass!!!!! smart!!! “?” week!!!!!!! ■ Jim why haven’t you written to ■ HOW MANY MORE BLOKES ly provided the references from ■Looks like Liz and Chris had a ■ Hi!! I am a big fat turtle!!! ■ Wanted for DJ Donuts: New spam yet? CAN YOU PULL BEFORE professor Miles on dyslexia. Ypu really good Friday night out! ■ Girl: Hi, I’m Wood, Bloke: Is Coat, present coat need not apply ■ MATTHEW, whats that in your EASTER MEV? saved my dissertation! ■Looks like Chris has worked his that Wood as in a Plank ? ■ I want to be a foot pants .. Talking Bollocks ■ Spanking = Ginger Spice or ■ Beware Mr Ellis you are being ‘Ice man’ into the Grange! ■ Spiderman, Mike The Cheat stool!!!!!!!!!!! So i can get a job.... ■ oH nO, Not nEarlY again! School Uniform Spice ??? watched!!! ■Liz and Chris - you were made ■ ■ And Homo Andy ■ You the teenage witch, dress up ■ the crash of the day award goes G, the union’s the same, so it’s Newcastle will win the for each other xxx ■ Found 1 bottle of extra Virgin smart!!! “?” to.... back to school on a friday then ??? Premiumship so watch out you ■So Julie hot date with that guy ■ ■ Olive Oil “Dirty, Sweaty B*ll*cks”, but BOING! BOING! BOING! Chris, moral victories don’t count Lot!! you pulled on Thursday? Don’t ■ ■ ■ Emma - please can I watch TV then I am Irish - Emmet Browne Hope you and your Mum had a in poker!!! BP Nicole, now that Ian is here worry love he wasn’t that ■ ■ Sam you slag!! don’t make too much noise bang- in your room, I’ll bring my own “Avez-avez-un-vesh-vesh, I’d good Birthday last weekend! DODGY...... much, love Krustie. duvet rather have a Kim” - Matt ‘98 ■ It’s nearly all over now! FP. ■ Does anyone know the quan- ing in the shower! ■ Run out of loo roll? Just look ■ There’s this bloke and he’s got a ■ Hey, what’s 1000 miles between tumbitchumboobalator? for a hampster! pork pie on his head... friends? ■ I wonder which four films green ■ To be, or not to be. That is the ■ Happy Birthday Little JO!!!!!! ■ Hope you and your Mum had a shirt went to see this week? question. Whether ‘tis nobler in ■ Sandra, Angela & Sara at good Birthday last weekend! ■ Once we’d cut the burnt bits off the mind to suffer the slings... Ministry of Sound?? Warning, ■ It’s nearly all over now! FP. it was fine, and the butter icing and arrows of outrageous fortune, wild girls loose. ■ Hey, what’s 1000 miles between was superb, and Ruth loved it. or to misquote a verse of ■ Hello? Is that the AA? The friends? ■ GREEN SHIRT GREEN SHIRT Shakespear. You know who I am! M25’s moved to Guildford railway ■ There was a flood down Mr GREEN SHIRT! WE LOVE ■ Marcus, you’re 2nd year SOMS station! Valleys, on drag night, straight into YOU!!! !!!! ■ Get some morals Essex-boy! a Somerset River in 25AA19. ■ Run dexter run dexter run run ■ To the new sabbaticals:well ■ Stop nicking our food you ■ House available, for 4, Spring run, bang! bang! bang! goes metal done!!! Essex ba**ard! Semester 1999, call Bimbo, ext. mans gun! ■ How’s your fat bird Mr Pink? ■ SCORE SCORE SCORE 4842... ■ Short fat troglodide twat, found ■ My foots better but I haven’t got SCORE SURE SURE SURE!!! ■ How much for 20 kilos of 20 that safe corner yet? any do-nuts now. UM ■ Alright D.C. got any bat gas!! Newton concrete ALC ‘E’? - ■ Dexter - drop her and RUN Notices

NOP will be conducting a survey on thole. We still meet every Friday at 1pm The G&S Society are having their AGM on 23rd May (end wk 14) Tickets £20 or £26 Telecoms today. All survey personnel will upstairs in the Union. All abilities welcome. Monday 23rd March at 7.30pm in including transport. Contact Alex Langley, carry identification, and would appreciate Anyone interested in doing the RYA level TB18. ext 4739, Email cv31al your co-operation, though you’re not oblig- one beginners course after Easter, please Badminton Club AGM, Tuesday week 14 ed to answer any questions. contact Adam (above). Decriminalise Cannabis March. Sat 28th (28th April), Grant Mitchell Room, 7pm. March, assemble Midday at the reformer’s There will be a meeting to discuss possible Reminder to all Final Year Economists: tree in Hyde Park, for march to Trafalgar Netgamer AGM, 29th April, 7:30 LTB modifications to Hazel Farm in response Please return yearbook forms before the end Square. Keep ‘em peeled for more details. Email [email protected] to many of the recent complaints. This of week 10. Graduation photos meeting will be at 8 p.m. on Tuesday 24th For Sale BC-06 Photo Cartridge for Are you graduating this year? Do you want March, (Week 10) in the Hazel Farm English tuition required! BCC240 Canon colour printer. James B, a photo the moment of presentation of your Common Room. Overseas student is looking for help with 4216 degree(i.e.you actually getting your certifi- writing English. 2-3 sessions a week if pos- cate.) Other photos are taken anyway, so Mens Hockey Club AGM, 24th March, sible (paid). Contact ext.4183 room No. 2 Postgrad Association barndance, Fri 20th would this be too intrusive? Please Email 8pm, after training at the Varsity Centre. All (after 7 pm) March, tickets £3. Hall Bar, 8pm. Contact your views to the Union President members please attend. PGA via pigeon hole for details. (su-pres) or fill in a Union suggestion slip. Room available in student house off Games Soc EGM to elect a new Treasurer. Northway about 15 mins from campus. Rent EGM - Postgrad Association. To elect a Room Available next year. House on Wednesday 25th March, 1pm, upstairs in the £195 pcm until July All mod cons, newly new President and Vice-President, 6pm Canterbury Road, 15 mins walk. All mod Union. Contact Eric Freeman for details. refurbished etc. Phone (01483) 504629 Wates House, Tuesday 24th March cons. £48 per week plus bills. Will be shar- 566272. ing with three girls. Phone Antonia x4358 Oscar Film Unit E.G.M.: Election of new Christian Union are holding a quiz night on or Claire x4219. University Swimmers. There will be no Treasurer, Tuesday 24th March 1998, LT H Friday 20th March from Do you want to be involved in producing a swimming 9-10pm at the Spectrum on the at 6p.m. Anyone wishing to stand for the 7.00pm-9.00pm In the Library restaurant, film this summer? It will be on Campus following Monday nights: March 23rd, position of Treasurer please leave a note in free refreshments and entry and you’ll learn useful skills. Meeting in the May 11th. the OFU pigeonhole ASAP. also prizes to the most knowledgable teams. Grant Mitchell Room at 6pm, 24th March , or ring Wendy on ext 4705 WINDSURFING CLUB. Windsurfing Volunteers needed to help blind student Fancy a bit of International Rugby after tops for sale £32.50, mostly navy blue, some type up coursework, fill in application forms the exams? The Sanyo Cup at Twickenham Korean Society AGM, 27 March 6pm other colours available. Contact Adam, ext. and other general administration. Any help will feature the star-studded World XV ver- Wates House. Contact Young-Tae Cho 4241, cv42ab or via the windsurfing pigeon welcome. Please call Supriya, Ext 4240. sus 1998 English Club Champions on Sat 236149 ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:34 Page 10 (1,1)

10 Features Thursday 19th March 1998 n Dr Russ replies Graduation Ball Committee: Dear Russ It’s all shaping up nicely Is it worth using a recruitment agency to try to find employ- ment?

Dear Jenny The arguments over Over the years I’ve come across many different views about value for money at recruitment agencies. They range from “I wouldn’t touch the Charter Ball will them with a barge-pole” to “There’s no way I would have not be repeated at got my job without their help”. So why are they so contro- this year’s Charter versial? I believe there are two reasons. The first arises Ball because it will from a misconception. Graduates often worry that it will be be the best ever, expensive to use an agency. Actually, it is illegal for an argue Sally Kentfield agency to charge you for their services. They make their and ‘Wilf’ from the money by charging the employer who asked them to deal Charter Ball with the vacancy in the first place. So, first worry over Committee.... with. The Graduation Ball com- The second reason has more substance. Many new gradu- mittee have been organising ates have found agencies to be rather unhelpful when they and arranging since last have first contacted them. This is because agencies are November. We have already mainly interested in people who have experience relevant to had our plans approved by their client’s needs. New graduates often don’t have quite the relevant Union Club what they are looking for, hence the cold shoulder. managers and we are work- ing closely with them to Fortunately, University of Surrey graduates who have a ensure that the event will be Hopes are high for live music outdoors.... Professional Year under their belt aren’t in this position. They have something to offer and agencies are likely to show much more interest. Remember, though, that at the end of the day agencies only want to make money from placing you. They are quite likely to encourage you to accept a job offer even if you’re not entirely happy with it.

I’m often asked how to track down agencies who deal with particular jobs. Fortunately, there is a very comprehensive directory called the FRES Yearbook of Recruitment Agencies in the Careers Service which lists them all accord- ing to their areas of specialism. Another way to find out the particularly active agencies is to scan the advertisement pages in appropriate journals e.g. Personnel Today or Computer Weekly. The chances are that the agencies adver- tising there will tend to specialise in that area and you can give them a ring to see what else they’ve got on their books. ...and if the noise regulations are too tight, it will be housed in a marquee Finally, you may like to know that in some years as many as miss out on all the entertain- 10% of Surrey’s graduates obtain their first job through a ments which will be hap- recruitment agency. For me this is convincing evidence that pening. Members are they are worth using. allowed two guest tickets each so please obtain your Russ Clark ticket sooner rather than Careers Service later so not to be disappoint- ed. of the superb quality befit- ting the culmination of 4 By Comparison ...... years spent studying at this Surrey Colours Ball £40 University. We’re still wait- Dinner & Disco (Evening) ing for the final thumbs up Surrey Grad Ball*** £50 from Senate House on some Bands, Discos, Ents, Food aspects of the plans. Our (All night) aim (financially) is to break Newcastle Grad Ball £40 even on the event. Next Disco at local nightclub week in BareFacts we will (Evening) be printing a copy of the Oxford Trinity Grad Ball budget to show where the £90 Bands, Discos, Ents, large costs are, and what Food, Drink (All night) happens as more tickets are DeMontford Grad Ball £30 sold. Disco £40 Disco & Food (Evening) This ball will be the best New College Oxford Grad Graduation Ball ever, and Ball £115 Bands, Discos, we have already started Ents, Food, Drink (All work on Grad Ball 1999! Night)

The tickets will be on sale during weeks 11 through 15. (*** in our opinion, best all You will receive the event round night of entertain- programme with your ticket ment for the lowest money allowing you time to digest possible) the information and there- fore ensure that guests don’t ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:34 Page 11 (1,1)

n Thursday 19th March 1998 Features & Notices The OFU Easter holidays are looming... Crossword No. 69 How about a week away from Surrey AND the chance to Easter add to your CV.

Through the Leonardo Project (led by the University’s Bonanza Educational Liaison Centre), there are 3 opportunities available to any under-graduate or recent graduate to visit On Sunday 22nd and Monday lar comic book called GERMANY, FINLAND or DENMARK for a week during 23rd of March there will be “Bluntman and Chronic” the Easter vacation. movie mania as we bring to (based on Jay and Silent Bob Return flight will be paid as will half board and a subsis- you 4 films an 2 days. On from Clerks). Holden falls in tence allowance. Sunday we will be showing love with Alyssa, also a You will be required to take part in some research the skills Bullitt and Event Horizon. comic book artist and who that SMEs (small and medium sized enterprises) seek from happens to be a lesbian. graduates. You will have the chance to see how SMEs oper- Bullitt is a classic Steve Holden’s new relationship ate in Europe and perhaps have the opportunity of some Mcqueen car chase movie. with Alyssa strains his life work experience at a later date. He plays the part of Frank long friendship with Banky For more information, please contact Jackie Newman or Bullitt who is selected by a and soon the relationship Rodney Bates in the Educational Liaison Centre or contact dodgy politician to guard a between Holden and Alyssa us on ext: 3177. mafia informant. Bullitts hits trouble due to Holden not friend is shot and the witness being able to deal with STUDENT COUNCIL is left at deaths door by 2 hit- Alyssa’s Down: Across: 1. Lotteries (7) men who seem to know past. 1. To mature (5) Thursday 26th March - Week 10 2. The Pope (7) 4. A sunshade (7) exactly where the witness 6 PM in Lecture Theatre D 3. Tidy (4) 8. Kind of pigeon (3-4) was hiding. Bullitt begins a The Devil’s Advocate stars 4. Young domestic fowl (6) 9. Damp (5) search for the killers and the Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino. Agenda 5. Chew the cud (8) 10. Animal’s Den (4) leak but Mr politician is not Reeves plays Kevin Lomax, a 6. French river (5) 11. Lack of generosity (8) best pleased and tries to shut ruthless young florida attor- 7. Type of water-lily (5) 13. Most secure (6) 1. Apologies for Absence 12. Alienate (8) down the investigation. The ney that has never lost a case 14. A dazed state (6) 2. Minutes from previous meeting 15. Kind of hunting-dog (7) 18. Large baboon (8) film is Event Horizon, the and is recruited by the most 3. Matters Arising: Charter Ball Report 16. Looks at (7) 20. Heather (4) year is 2047 and 7 years have powerful law firm in the 17. Old Testament prophet (6) 4. Union Officer and Sabbatical Reports 22. Type of crow (5) passed since the mysterious world. He and his wife move 18. Merriment (5) 23. Caretaker (7) disappearance of Event to the city but soon she begins 5. Elections 19. At no time (5) 24. Welsh town (7) 21. Cut with scissors (4) Horizon, a spaceship that was to dislike the place and his 6. Motions: (i) Clubs and Societies motion 25. A European capital (5) sent to explore the outer lim- job. She urges him to quit and 7. Hazel Farm Update its of the solar system. Now it go back to Florida. The 8. Debate on decriminalisation of Cannabis Last weeks solution is time for a rescue mission longer he works however, the 9. AOB Across: 7.quench 8.square 9.skip 10.phantoms 11.strident 13.bard 14.volt 16.tartness 18.listless 21.rick 22.études 23.lopped and with its return comes more his wife makes sense, Down: 1.junket 2.unspoilt 3.shipment 4.Asia 5.hurt 6.tremor something even more myste- but is it too late to get out? Come along to take part in heated debate, meet your new 12.throstle 13.bankrupt 15.opiate 17.socket 19.tidy 20.East rious as the crew discover the Union Officers, and have your say in Union Business. Crossword compiled by Jeff Blackham real truth behind its disap- Reserve your tickets via the pearance and something even post box in the union post more terrifying. room or purchase a special GI’s battle to ticket for the bargainous price Mondays films will be of only 3 quid for 2 films. Chasing Amy and The Devil’s Advocate. Chasing This Wednesday we are reach County Amy is another fantastic film showing Swingers which is a directed by Kevin Smith of brilliant story of a guy who is Clerks fame, and stars Ben helped back into the social Cup final Affleck and Matt Damon of scene by his friends after Good Will Hunting fame. leaving his girlfriend. Go and Holden and Banky are best see it cos its good. Saturday 14th March extreme height of virtually friends and authors of a popu- 1998. every member of the Oakhall 1: University Oakhall team, except the of Surrey FC A 2 keeper! Outstanding perfor- mances came from VOB* he USFC A Team, Nairn Salter at left midfield, commonly known as bravely staying on the pitch the GI’s (Graduates after what looked like a ‘Cheeks’ Nightclub advertisement - supplied on Zip T match-ending ankle injury, & Industrials), beat Disk (unmarked, Mac format) as last week Caterham-based Oakhall 2- and Jon-Paul Samuels, at 1 in the Surrey County right back, who managed to Lower Junior Cup Semi- contain one of the fastest final today, to go through to number 10’s to have lined the Final in April. up against us all season.

The GI’s took the lead twice The final will be at ISIS with goals in each half, a League Molesley’s ground, volley from Matt Seaman at 7.30 pm on Tuesday 28th and a delicate far-post April. header from Neil Harvie, all the more unusual given the Tony Sammut ed980319.qxd 21/04/98 15:34 Page 12 (1,1)

12 Sport Thursday 19th March 1998 n Campusport Run Forest, Run!

British Trampoline Federation students from Surrey University - Caroline o its 7 a.m. Sunday morning and one member of the group even managing to Elementary Coaching Course Smith (Nursing) and Louisa Phillipson we’re out of bed to go and watch the put his pulling skills to good use – nice one A four day coaching course (total 24 hours) (Chemistry). After performing their com- SReading half marathon, at this point Rob! has been arranged from Friday 1st - Monday pulsory and voluntary routines the very you might think we’re mad, but not as mad 4th May inclusive, 9.00 a.m. - 5.00 p.m. close scoring resulted in Caroline Smith tak- as the lads actually running it! The mad men The runners reported the last 4 miles to be Anyone interested should contact Sally Edie ing the Silver Medal and Louisa being concerned (Alex Langley - organiser, Adam an uphill struggle, this was reflected by the at Campusport on Extn. 9891. The cost, placed a creditable sixth position. Caroline Bowen, Bimbo, Wurzel, Cookie, Mike relieved look on their faces when the finish including membership and exam fee is is also a member of the Portsmouth Collins, Ross Nichol, Jamie Balfour and line was in sight. However tired, all man- £113. Trampoline Club and is ranked 7th in the Rob Orton) were running to raise cash for aged a cheesy grin for the camera – well- British Over-18 Ladies at National level. “charity mate” (Imperial Cancer Research) done lads! Thanks to Cazza for not only get- Interdepartmental Presentations She was placed 1st in the Nissan and all completed the gruelling task, impres- ting us there but also offering endless enthu- Please come and join us for the end of year Championship in Switzerland last year and sively in under 2 hours. siasm for all marathon runners! Finally, a I.D. presentations on Wednesday 25th has ambitions to be included in the top 5 of special thanks to all of those who sponsored March, 1.00 p.m. at the Varsity Centre. The the British National Finals this year. Our support tactics included going to the group. Rev Dr Robin Harvey, who was appointed Well done to you all! Burger King, which was coincidentally the Anglican Chaplain in January, will be pre- nine-mile mark. When they finally arrived Birds (Sarah Crisp, Helen Davies and senting the trophies and awards to the teams Week 10 - venue changes for aer- we cheered raucously and regardless of their Ruth Scanlan). and individuals who have taken part in the obics classes exhausted state all were in good spirits, with programme. A four day coaching course (total 24 hours) See you there. has been arranged from Friday 1st - Monday 4th May inclusive, 9.00 a.m. - 5.00 p.m. Surrey take silver at the British Anyone interested should contact Sally Edie Universities’ Trampolie at Campusport on Extn. 9891. The cost, Championships including membership and exam fee is In February Surrey University hosted the £113. southern region British Universities Trampoline Championships and 6 of our Interdepartmental Presentations students qualified for the Novice and Please come and join us for the end of year Intermediate Finals which took place at I.D. presentations on Wednesday 25th Bath on Sunday 8th March. These students March, 1.00 p.m. at the Varsity Centre. The were Cathy Ferguson, Abigail Kaye, Rev Dr Robin Harvey, who was appointed Christopher Wilkes-Green, Graham Bird, Anglican Chaplain in January, will be pre- Natalie Ford and Anthonia Bayliss. senting the trophies and awards to the teams These regional finalists were joined by the and individuals who have taken part in the ‘Open’ category at Bath which attracted a programme. further seventy competitors from as far See you there. north as Edinburgh University to the Welsh Universities and in the south, Kent and Latin American Evening - Friday Plymouth. Many of these competitors were 20th March. Don’t forget! open and national British Trampoline A lyrical evening of lambada! Federation ranking including two first year Marathon runners before embarking on their historic run Jiu Jitsu club hits Manchester Dickie’s sporting

he weekend started at 4.30am dropped in the general area to ask can-without-throwing-up breakfast. column Saturday morning, for the long directions ourselves (even the locals This was fine until some psycho decid- trip up to Manchester for the seemed confused!!). The journey was ed we should do about five warm-ups T french tries. Incredible that Jitsu nationals. The session started at worth it though - the social was in part at training: Hannah was travel sick just such an incident can go 10.00am and for a change we made it of a very nice hotel and the queue for from jogging!! At least one person Dickie Saulet unpunished. half an hour early. The day started the bar reminded us of home, even if was seen running towards the toilets Spots Editor with a training session which was the barmaid didn’t know what after a few minutes but we all survived Meanwhile the national good, as we meet our friends from “snakebite” was. The bouncers and spent the morning trying to recall press has got its heckles up other clubs and introduced ourselves to appeared far more friendly than some who we met last night. ast weekend. over the latest F1 “saga”. other people we would meet again later around Guildford, however (or maybe Incredible amazing. How dare David Couthard in the evening. they were smart enough _not_ to pick After another uneventful journey (no L be a sportsman and a man of a fight with several Jitsu black-belts fights with minis or bridges, take note his word? What a diaster to The competitions that afternoon saw around)!! The club chat-up line of, Hiking!) home, we were glad of a well- Where to start? Who else see that someone has such most people dying, except for Lee who “I’m not fat, I’m not ugly but I am cute earned rest ... until the gradings. was as gripped as I wsa values. Whilst it cannot be made it to the 2nd round of his heats and cuddly” worked its usual wonders watching the Irish coming denied that no one expected and Pom who made it to the semi (none), at least for the male members Once again, those who managed to so close to beating the arro- such a thing to happen, all finals. Once we finished we made it of the group (women don’t need chat- wake up in time to get the (imaginary) gant French? Gutted I was. this rubbish that F1 is no back to our hotel and went out to eat at up lines - especially Hannah!!). The minibus to grade all did very well, What I cannot believe is that longer a race etc is surely Fatty’s. We recommend you go a day evening still hadn’t ended at 3:30 am especially Pom and Siobhan who a pivotal moment of the going over the top. It can- before you are hungry as the service when the remaining member tried to achieved the highest marks in their game went unnoticed by the not be forgotten that this is a was ten times slower than reaching the make her way home after “buying” a colour belts. So it’s congratulations to: referee, the linesmen and team sport after all. bar on a FNO. round of water and realising she didn’t Jeremy Staines, Clare Greenaway, more astonishingly the know where our hotel was. She Dave Hamilton, Ioannis Katsaros press. I am talking about Further congratulations to The official evening entertainment was arrived back safely thanks to (John), Maria Lackberg, R the moment that France’s both Surrey teams who were once again in a nightclub, hired out Portsmouth Jitsu club and a knowl- Rochanaroon (Pom), Mike Robinson captain knocked out the promoted this year. just for Jitsukas ..... edgable cabbie, only to discover Dave and Siobhan Corbett. Irish hooker, Keith Wood. Hopefully this is just the and Des were still conscious and in the Those who have a small start and other teams will be Due to Dave’s (in)famous navigating bar having one last attempt to pull for If you’re interested in learning more idea of what Wood is all inspired to reach the same skills (just ask the Hiking club) we the night. about Jiu Jitsu, leave a note in the about will not be surprised level of achievement. started by re-visiting our own hotel pigeonhole or look at our web site: that he has not complained, before finally finding the way to cen- Needless to say, everyone awoke 1. but his substitution coincid- tral Manchester. Even then, the night- alone and 2. in their own bed the next http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Societies/jitsu/ ed with the first of the two club remained elusive and we were morning, for an eat-as-much-as-you- A grim week for the sports mafia. Still no match results (not even the tiddly winks team, dammit), and still no news from them (except the hero runners, footballers, and jiu-jitsu club. And not forgetting the staying power of Dickie’s column). There’s no special comment in capital letters from master-sportster Cazza. And they haven’t brought back the chairs, either.