Topics for Discussion

How Children Helping Children to Honor and Heal from the Past, Be Truly Grieve Present in the Present and Dream of a Wonderful Future • Foundation: All Adoption is built on Loss • What is Trauma NYSCCC Conference • Our own experiences with loss May 10-12, 2007 • Children and grief – developmental stages Sue Badeau • The Grief/Anger/Behavior link [email protected] • Children grow up – childhood losses impact adult lives and choices • Strategies for coping with loss throughout life

“Any creature that bonds grieves Imagine . . . . when it experiences separation—whether it be an elephant kicked out of the herd, a duck that has lost its mate or a mother who sends her child off to college. As humans, we are biologically designed to form kinship bonds through which we learn the lessons of love, caring and intimacy. When those bonds are broken, a piece of us breaks or is traumatized by that loss. Then we go through life hungry for what is missing. When we avoid the experience of grief, we lock ourselves up in the loss; we carry around an unhealed wound.” Tian Dayton,

1 All Adoption Begins with What is Trauma Loss • “A real or perceived threat to • Stages of Grief outline survival, which overwhelms a – Shock person’s coping ability and – Denial results in a feeling of – Anger helplessness, total loss of – Guilt and Shame control and instinctive arousal – Rationalizing or Bargaining which may be a chronic or one – Depression or Despair time experience.” – Acceptance/Integration

Trauma Changes the Brain VISIBLE

• “Experience in childhood organizes the developing brain, while experience in adulthood alters the organized brain.” DelPelchin Children’s Center

• These changes are VISIBLE on the inside, but may be INVISIBLE on the outside

2 When the Brain is Invisible FLOODED • State of FEAR • Impulsive behavior – Fight • Easily frustrated – Flight • Belief that the whole world is scary, – Freeze unsafe, unpredictable • Memory gets scrambled • Poor memory • The “Feelings Thermometer” goes • School challenges “Whats in the haywire backpack?” • “Don’t touch me!” and “Don’t get • Trouble expressing self, low self close to me!” esteem

There is Trauma, and then there “Choose Your Pain” is Trauma . . . . . • Single traumatic • Multiple traumas event

• “We are all in this • “Nobody knows the together” trouble I’ve seen”

• Trauma is not • “This is my life” normal

• Swaddled in support • “Kick me when I’m down”

3 Changes in World View Misperceptions of events

Coping with Loss Grief or Depression?

• Think of one or more • Grief is normal, depression can be dangerous significant losses in your • Grief is a process, it is dynamic, you move own life through it • What were your feelings? • Depression is static, you can get stuck • What was your • Grief is a dark tunnel with light at the end behavior? • Depression is a dark maze, you feel you may • What helped with the wander forever, helpless, in the dark healing process? • Unless someone takes your hand and helps • What hindered healing? you find your way • How are feelings associated with grief or loss communicated in your family, culture or religion?

4 Young Children & Grief Young Children and Grief:

Common Reactions Loss is temporary • Fear • Anger • Confusion • Regression is common • Trauma occurring early in life can rewire the brain’s circuitry to respond to everyday stress as if it were lifethreatening.

Grief and the School Age Young Children & Grief Child • How Parents • Child may re-visit the stages of Can Help: grief – Maintain routines • Onset of abstract thinking causes – Familiar objects child to re-frame previously held – Comfort items, foods beliefs about adoption – Stories, puppets • Child becomes more conscious – Model feelings of right and wrong. Guilt (blame – Holding, turned inward) or anger (blame “babying” turned outward) may be powerfully felt.

5 Possible Behaviors in Response Parenting Responses to a to School-Age Grief: School-Age Child’s Grief • Stomach aches, eating disorders, sleep • Regular, normal, routine with disturbances. structure and consistency • Will not acknowledge feelings or loss, may • Hugs, touching, Reassurance become "overly busy" to avoid feelings. of love, affection • May "punish" himself/herself by acting out • Comfort: Soft, easily digestible foods, "bad" behavior. Layers of clothing flannel sheets • Cries easily, may become withdrawn • Provide opportunity to talk, but do not • Easily distracted which can cause force difficulty with school, loses things easily, argues with friends, lack of attention to • Provide quiet times alone hygiene/dress

Parenting Responses to a Parenting Responses to a School-Age Child’s Grief School-Age Child’s Grief • Choose consequences that do not • Allow child to make connections imply guilt with a lost past (i.e. scrapbook, • Help child recognize feelings behind visit to relatives, hometown, etc.) behavior, use expressions like, • Use stories or movies to "If it were me, I would feel" draw out feelings or "Lots of kids might feel..." • Be the child's advocate • Work on building self_esteem, using at school without condoning specific examples rather than generic the negative behavior. praises • Avoid having evaluations done during • Provide opportunities for activities this time. Watch out for labeling (i.e. which focus on the child's skills, learning disabilities) talents, and interests

6 Adolescence: Teens Reactions to Loss and A Period of Unending losses Grief • Loss of childhood • Automatic Pilot • Loss of my body • “I can handle it” • Loss of school • Fear of leaving • Loss of friends home - sabatoge • Loss of siblings • Set up rejection • Loss of boyfriend/girlfriend (get “thrown out”) • Turning to drugs • Each new loss has the • Increased sexual or alcohol potential to trigger a re-living of prior activity • Suicide ideation, losses • Running away depression • Private tears

Grief can Lead to Anger How Parents Can Help Feeling SAD >>>>makes me feel MAD>>>> which leads to acting BAD • Talk about dreams, nightmares • Use movies, music as discussion starters • Provide control opportunities • Make something with your hands • Help teen identify what they need • Balance “being there” with respect for privacy

7 What is Anger? What is Anger

• A response to the world not going as you • The flip side of depression or guilt – wish – If you get up in the morning to go to while depression and guilt are often work and your car will not start, this can make emotions that are turned inward, anger is you angry. Any time things do not go the way the emotion turned outward we would like them to go, we can get angry. • A shield to prevent intimacy – anger • A response to unrealistic expectations – If keeps others way – If you are having an you expect a two year old child to sit still for angry day, you probably notice that people an hour in church and the child does not do it, stay away from you. Anger prevents you you may be angry, but your anger is based from getting close to others. on an unrealistic expectation – sitting for an • A mask for fear or sadness – Anger can hour is not realistic for most two year olds. be a mask for other feelings that are harder • Energy to say “ouch” when hurt – Being to express or even acknowledge, such as hurt or confused, emotionally or physically sadness or fear. This is often especially can be a sad or depressing experiences. true for males, and adolescents. Fortunately, anger helps us react to this pain • An emotional AND a physical experience. in a healthy way by saying “Ouch!”

Coping with Grief, Loss, Anger . . . . Loss and the Transition to We end up feeling out of control Adulthood • A need to gain a • Denial of sense of Conflict: “I can mastery and control do it myself” • A need to have • Fear of Failure true choices about important • Sabotage of matters Success • A need to learn how to make good choices and avoid poor judgements

8 “The Great Divide” Revisiting Loss Before and After the Loss Throughout Adult Life The loss of a parent is a • Adult major event in the life of relationships – a child, changing that – Fear of intimacy child's view of the world – Fear of and affecting his or her commitment life into adulthood – Too few or too The impact of this loss can take many many forms in adult life -it can be rage, – Sexual problems driving ambition, fear of intimacy – • Becoming a we will look more closely at some of parent these – Fear of bonding

Revisiting Loss Building Resiliency Throughout Adult Life • Jobs (expecting • At least one the bottom to fall supportive adult out) • Positive outlook • Relationship with • Problem solving skills money, things • Hobby, interest, curiosity • Panic attacks, • Goal, hopes, dreams severe anxiety • Being needed by others • Sleep problems • Positive memories, images to hold onto

9 Some Thoughts About Change Approaches to Coping with Change The History of Humanity is Based on the Ability to Confront These are not mutually exclusive and Adapt to Adversity * A change around you generally results in • Try to "fix" it, make it better or solve the some change within you problem - change the external circumstances * Seasoned transplant recipients • Fight Against it will tell you that adaptation • Seek calming or comforting to the transplant will continue • Ask for help throughout life • Adjust (internal change) to * Every change - even a positive one - brings new circumstances about stress • Do nothing

Coping with Grief, Loss Throughout Life 8 things people need - Sense of Self, Identity - to know or grapple  Develop a personal set with “Who Am I?” of "Stress Busters“ - Freedom - to have choices and sense of control over one’s life  Include physical & - Purpose - to have a sense of meaning in life verbal/emotional outlets - a “raison d’etre” - Productivity/Creativity - to be able to do  Create opportunities work, produce, create for mastery & control - Intimacy - to touch and be touched - Connectedness - to be cared about, heard,  Build repertoire of self-expression skills understood  Develop effective problem solving skills - Value - to be appreciated, respected Seek Support from others who share - To be Needed - to be able to give to others similar life experiences

10 When it all comes together, there is Mystery, Magic and Hope

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