THe shadiest magazne on the planet

Poor Excuse Magazine 1 Poor Excuse “Guys, let’s make this summer Magazine the greatest summer of our lives!”

-Jeffrey Epstein Issue number two Cover by Henry Cragg NEWS NEWS Sun To Seek Treatment For Ghost of John McCain Speaks Out, Hopes Major Depression Following Mass To Distance Himself from Meghan McCain's Proliferation Of High-SPF Products Incessant "My Father" Comments By Luka Stojcic By Claire Briggs and Seth Marumoto

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA UNITED STATES NAVAL ACADEMY CEMETERY ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND ources close to the Sun— the star at the At this point in the interview, the Sun became ppearing directly above his tombstone, Wheeler noted, however, that while Scenter of the Solar System— have been heated. “You think you’re saving yourself with Athe spirit of Senator John McCain spoke McCain’s visit was a surprise, it wasn’t incinerated and services will be held for them in those high-protection sunscreens? Let me tell out today in order to address a multitude of nearly as shocking as his comments about you: I see you put that shit on, I’ll come down the coming weeks. Poor Excuse, however, was comments made by daughter Meghan. In Meghan. Sources claim that McCain’s able to bypass the danger of being in such close on you like a goddamn plague. I will channel a surprising move, the late senator pushed ghost went on to defend 2020 presidential proximity with the most vital source of energy on all my rays into one continuous, uninterrupted back against his daughter’s constant use of Earth, and conduct an interview with the Sun over beam of pure fucking hate and fry to you a candidate, Senator Amy Klobuchar, whom Skype. The Sun, after much deliberation, has crisp.” The Sun attempted to calm itself down his name, stating, “While I greatly appreciate Meghan criticized on Twitter for using vowed to seek treatment for major depression, and took 3mg of Ativan, illegally obtained on my daughter Meghan’s attempts to keep my her father’s name on the campaign trail. following the mass proliferation of high-SPF the Light Web. memory alive, I would like to ask that my “While I’m at it, it was pretty hypocritical of products. name only be used in relation to political her to attack someone for bringing up my “I don’t want to kill you,” the Sun admitted. matters by people who really knew me.” name so much,” said McCain. “It’s a crock of shit,” the Sun said in our first “I know I’ve killed a lot of people by just phone call. “You don’t need SPF 100 sunscreen, existing, but, please, show me some common Onlookers report that the senator asked his Wheeler added that “It didn’t seem like alright? There is a negligible difference between decency.” The Sun reported feelings of self- audience to record his remarks and forward he liked his daughter all that much.” SPF 30 and SPF 100— the only thing you’re loathing, anxiety— along with instances of DID the footage to various broadcasting services, doing by opting for the SPF 100 is spending (Dissociative Identity Disorder). “I feel like the specifically Fox News. Sources allege he After a 30 minute war story, McCain finally Moon even though I’m the Sun,” the flaming- more money, and, more importantly, alienating also asked that The View, of which his finished his remarks and surprised the me— you know, the hot plasma you need to hot sphere lamented. daughter Meghan is a cast member, refrain crowd by announcing his Senate reelection survive?” A few days after our conversation, the Sun had from addressing the footage, or his general campaign, “McCain 2020: The Right The high-SPF products on the market today obtained an appointment with a renowned persona. Spirit for the Job.” have taken a toll on the Sun’s self-esteem. “It psychoanalyst, the preeminent therapist for a “I was just there to grieve my husband, I hurts,” said the star. whole generation of stars. “Jesse Eisenberg, certainly wasn’t expecting to see the ghost Update: In response to this article, Ms. McCain’s Mark Ruffalo, Kirsten Dunst. He’s seen them of Senator John McCain,” said witness publicist has said that she is, for the first time “Please don’t block me out entirely.” all. I’m hoping he can help me too.” Linda Wheeler, 75. ever, unavailable for comment.

4 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 5 Tico and Brandy The twin goldfish Tico and Brandy, easily the LIFESTYLE: PETS June 13 - July 1 2004 healthiest of any of the goldfish I had in my youth, died at the crisp, refreshing age of A History of fish violence almost a month, a personal record. Mom said I By Sam Pribyl could pick two this time because I was so upset with my little brother for slaughtering Garth, so have a confession to make. I have killed. Not I chose the two coolest ones I could find. They Ianyone you know, or would have ever heard were always hanging around each other, and of. In fact, not people at all. But every goldfish seemed to like the company. But on a fateful I ever had as a child ended its life with fateful July night, when the tank needed cleaning negligent homicide. In reconciliation for the sins of my past, I have decided to dedicate overnight, they spent the night in an outdoor this obituary to all of them, in sequential order. water basin on our back patio, where they were promptly eaten by a toad. We had had a big Bubbles frog infestation after a flood at the time, and Bubbles, the orange-tinted goldfish with some the remnants of their kind still lingered, waiting April 24 - May 1 2004 serious attitude, is dead at just over a week Mr. O’Grady to pounce at every opportunity to eat pets and old. Bubbles provided hours of entertainment crush young boys’ happiness. Tico and Brandy to his caretakers, though his skills were honestly July 11 2004 will be sorely missed. fairly minimal. When my parents brought him home, I expected I would be able to teach him This was actually my stupid kid brother’s fish tricks. This was not the case, as Bubbles mostly which he got for his birthday or whatever, but it spent his time swimming back and forth in the died on the car ride back home. Nice fucking fishtank. His hobbies included swimming and going, Keith. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? He that’s it. Honestly, what a disappointment. Just named it Mr. O’Grady because he thought it the same old shit every day. Some would say resembled one of our neighbors by the same he got what he deserved. Bubbles was found name. Ironically, the real Mr. O’Grady passed belly-up in the tank as a result of malnutrition, suddenly in his sleep not two days after the which led to both Bubbles’ death and a lecture demise of his fishy counterpart. about responsibility for me. Garth Kevin Kevin, who was not a goldfish, passed May 7 - May 9 2004 Garth, who was obviously way cooler than Unknown - July 27 2004 unexpectedly after another attempt to chow Bubbles ever was, has passed on at the ripe down on some more fish food, apparently by age of two days. Donning a sweet-ass white some kind of freak attack. On a warm July stripe down his side and with a can-do, no frills night, Kevin, who had previously been indicted attitude, Garth was the envy of many a goldfish in the murder of two twin goldfish, Tico and and the pride of many a man. A second chance Brandy, was found floating belly up in our patio for me after I convinced my parents to go back water basin, with my brother’s new fish Dofey to PetSmart for another fish, Garth represented swimming circles around it. Carved into Kevin’s everything I could have asked for in a fish. But slimy body read what, after careful inspection, then my dumb kid brother had to go and pour seemed to spell the phrase “4 TICO.” When an entire fucking can of fish food into the tank, questioned, Dofey (whose name derives and Garth ate it all and fucking died. At least from the fact that my brother can’t even spell he died with a full belly and a smile on his face. “Dopey” correctly) said nothing, and continued He will be sorely missed. swimming.

6 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 7 Francine, a tabby cat who would frequent our Francine back porch often, was found dead just beneath Dofey August 14 1996 - our water basin, water dripping from her fur, July 20 2004 - Present August 14 2004 on her eighth birthday. Owned by the newly widowed Mrs. O’Grady from next door, Francine quickly became the bane of my mother, whose allergic reactions to the cat had led to much frustration between herself and the O’Gradys. Immediately suspected as the killer, my mother denied all links to Francine’s death, citing a credible alibi. No one understands exactly who drowned Francine to this day, although we did find traces of her fur clamped in the tiny jaws of the nonchalant Dofey. Francine is survived by a grieving and dementia-ridden Mrs. O’Grady, who recently moved to a home for the elderly.

Charlie, a beautiful Red Ryukin, was found dead of apparent suicide May the 5th of 2005. Charlie Originally intended as a partner for Dofey after Dofey has not passed, but I felt his situation worth mentioning. Now my mother read an article that said goldfish September 28 2004 - exceeding twenty feet in length and weighing in at 880 pounds, Dofey can feel loneliness, Charlie mostly kept to has gotten out of control. First outgrowing several fish tanks, then a May 5 2005 himself, recognizing Dofey as the king of the kiddie pool, and finally placed in a government facility, Dofey has castle. The decorative fish tank castle, that is. It was white and bore tall towers, bought at a apparently escaped custody, according to local authorities, and has not novelty store in Southern Florida, and quickly been seen since last Tuesday morning. Readers may remember Dofey’s became Dofey’s sole domain. Charlie learned last public appearance, in which he ascended his industrial tank via the fast not to infringe on Dofey’s turf, and stayed power of flight and took out several radio towers before broadcasting to his side of the tank. However, approaching an unintelligible manifesto across all AM and FM stations in the Tri- the final days before his death, some observed Charlie’s attempts to ingratiate himself into State Area. Authorities have encouraged me to let you all know that Dofey’s castle, which were not received warmly. Dofey is considered armed and dangerous, and that you should all Charlie died of a stab wound months after his stay indoors with your doors locked if at all possible. inclusion into the tank, though the weapon was never found. When questioned, Dofey, I confess I have seen Dofey since his escape, but only through one who had by this point developed primitive speech patterns, mentioned that Charlie had of his famous astral projections. He spoke to me, and asked me to been feeling down lately, and that it must have repent the sins of my past. When I asked what he meant, he showed been self-inflicted. Criminologists found the me images of long-forgotten goldfish of years past. I hope this obituary accusation unbecoming, especially because serves as penance. I strongly advise, nay, plead, with all of you to do Charlie could not have disposed of himself the same, and to welcome Dofey as our new fish overlord should it all and then the weapon, but dismissed Dofey as a suspect after several rounds of interrogation. come to that. 8 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 9 ARE YOU My mom? POETRY Criterion Climax

Take This Quiz To Find Out! By Riley Warmoth

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10 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 11 By Cori DeTurk ENTERTAINMENT “Prior to this movie, I would’ve never “¡Hola amigos! Can you say, ‘Best Picture?’ This known “gold” was another term for black reconceptualized adaptation of our beloved tar heroin! It was definitely a mature turn childhood cartoon is a beautifully unsettling, idyllic Critic’s corner: for the adventurous children’s star, but it horror masterpiece that will shake your spiritual hips Here at Poor Excuse Magazine, everyone’s a Critic. certainly held its own against this summer’s to the beat of a bloody sledgehammer. Ari Aster sticks other action blockbusters. Watching Dora the landing yet again. As a critical darling, Dora kill Diego, the leader of the drug cartel and the Explora set the bar sky-high for Aster. However, her own cousin, was an especially shocking ditching the entire premise, plot, characters, and turn - as was her sexual relationship with all other aspects of the story, Aster’s unique vision Backpack. I know this is a movie that my has given Nickelodeon Movies a new status in the kids will never forget.” -Claire Briggs horror industry. 6.5/10” -Cori DeTurk “I really thought that another “An absurdist masterpiece. When Dora “ I’ve been a massive R. Kelly documentary was cannot find the Lost City of Gold, Dora fan since I was uncalled for, but following because it is “lost”. Very Jarmuschian” a little boy, and my this victim’s story shed experience with this film -Riley Warmoth light on a whole new set of was in no way bad, but issues.” -Olivia Oreskovich MY GOD...the direction they took this series was “She did it. She finally ate Boots.” “Dora and the Lost City honestly pretty shocking. of Gold is the next Pulp -Erik Charbonneau I knew Michael Bay Fiction.” -Keiva Bradley was producing it, but I gotta say, I did not “How does one lose a expect the ritualistic city of gold? There seems murder sequence to be no valid reason to about half way into the leave the city in the first film. However, I really place. Attempting to bring enjoyed Danny Devito’s in an audience under the portrayal of swiper.” pretense that losing an -Jacob Staudenmaier entire city constructed o you remember Dora Marquez, our favorite little exploradora? Well, solely of gold is possible “Following the trend Dshe’s all grown up now and brings weapons to school! is not only irresponsible, of animated shows we but it is disrespectful to NEVER asked to be intelligent movie goers. “Ugh, I’m so sick of studios taking content remade. Just because In this installment of Critic’s Corner, the Poor Excuse Team gives comedy a In this essay, I will-” that people like and transforming it into you can, doesn’t mean break to dawn their Maps and search for meaning in Dora and The Lost -Ryan Hopkins other content people like.” -Evvy Hofmeister you should.” -Abby Braccia City of Gold. “Dora’s all grown up in this one. My favorite “Nicolas Cage did it better” -Marc Brockwell part is when she taught us all how to say, “How fitting that we never see the eponymous The Ananlysts you see before you today are scholars of cinema, frequenters “close the camps” in Spanish!” -Joey Capestany city itself, the film so preoccupied with its of film, and manic for movies so rest assured that the reviews you are about “Never did I ever consider Boots to be an own dewy-eyed attitudes toward runaway to read were compiled by only the most qualified critics in the nation. icon of masculinity. Not one bit. Nor did I colonialism and the systematic slaughter of expect Sylvester Stalone to accept a role in indigenous people, as if cultural genocide and a children’s movie. But, by some act of God, racial oppression were appropriate vehicles for Also, none of us have seen the movie. the new live-action Dora movie managed to the deployment of slapstick comedy. It’s a bold, subvert both of these expectations, making for brave picture, and I’m nominating it for a Luka an extremely enjoyable viewing experience (one of ten such merits granted to films in a that promptly led me to question my sexuality.” given year deemed by me to be aesthetically or -Luka Stojcic -Grayson McKim intellectually significant).”

12 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 13 ENTERTAINMENT The Handmaid’s Tale Summer reading list Set in a fantasy world in which hands are both sentient beings and the ruling class, a young woman recounts her By Claire Briggs and Seth Marumoto days cooking and cleaning up after them.

eed something new to read this summer? NWe’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite books of all time, from steamy Sons and Lovers beach reads to old classics and everything Two brothers overcome adversity and discrimination in this in between. As self-published book critics, controversial, non-fiction love story. we know a thing or two about what makes a good book. Books books books, we love books! Enjoy! Never Let Me Go A Farewell to Arms The autobiography of a pair of Siamese twins and their A devastating follow up to Soul Surfer documenting Bethany struggle for independence. Hamilton’s difficulty adjusting after a second shark attack takes her other arm.

Gone With the Wind A Clockwork Orange A book of verses by a formerly illiterate man turned poet The truth about the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines laureate. Flight 370.

Pride and Prejudice All the King’s Men A startling new examination of the rise of white nationalism A gay erotic thriller imagining Prince William’s explosive in the gay community. sexual awakening post-crowning.

The Underground Railroad Murder on The Orinet Express A projection of the future of transportation from inventor The whimsical happenings of a small Asian-fusion restaurant Elon Musk. in the South are halted after a woman is found dead on its roof.

14 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 15 Sophie’s Choice The Grapes of Wrath A memoir from former Bachelorette contestant Chad A murder mystery stemming from a bitter feud between two Monroe about finding love and loss on reality tv. neighboring wineries.

All the Light We Cannot See The Lord of The Rings Stevie’s Wonder’s insightful new commentary on issues The unbelievable true story of a small-town jewelry store faced by the blind community. owner whose startling success results in a cult-like following.

The Choice Things Fall Apart Stepping away from his usual clichéd romance novels, A child’s guide to navigating your parent’s divorce. Nicholas Sparks pens a revolutionary novel about a Jewish mother’s heartbreaking decision amidst the trials of the Holocaust.

A Little Life Charlotte’s Web Not only were they below average in height, but they died After her Facebook post gets over 200 likes, 45-year old young too. Charlotte believes the internet is hers.

Room No Stromo 336 pages of raw detail, highlighting everything from floor An old Italian man recounts his struggles as a young man to ceiling. to play the guitar.

Gone Girl Sequel to Here Boy.

16 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 17 NEWS “Who is really to blame here?” asked Deb “Pacco loved Chris Rock. Dave Chappelle Local Parrot euthanized after Merkin, Director of the Florida Office for too. All the Def Jam comics. He had a real Juvenile Affairs. “How old was Pacco? Five funny bone.” Baja Tom began to tear up. shouting Racial Slurs during years old? He was a minor and had no “I loved that bird, everyone did. I just… I Happy Hour concept of what he was saying. Someone just hope this doesn’t tarnish his legacy, or was teaching him these slurs. Personally, I the legacy of Baja Tom’s Bar and Grill, By Erik Charbonneau blame the Parrot’s Parents.” open from Two ‘till Two every day. Located on the Miami Beach Boardwalk next to the We spoke with Baja Tom himself on Friday Wetzel’s Pretzels.” morning. “I would never say something like that. He must have picked it up from the In the past 48 hours, nearly 300 tweets T.V. I should have payed closer attention to have been sent out using the hashtag, the media he was consuming.” #RIPPACCO. One user tweeted, “Never met the bird, but he seemed real fly. The slurs that were said will remain #RIPPACCO.” Another tweeted “Racism is censored as to not single out or offend any not okay. I get that. But Parrots have been readers, but witnesses report that the Parrot saying “Polly want a Cracker” for decades, had said phrases including, but not limited yet nobody seemed to care??? Says a to, “The *****s have got to go,” and “Fee Fi lot about our current political climate… Fo Figga, Boy I hate a *****,” both of which #RIPPACCO.” are direct quotes from Chris Rock’s 1996 stand up special, Bring the Pain.

MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA Photo of Pacco the Parrot (5) When you’re here, he community of Miami Beach was “See something, say something. That’s what Tshaken to its core Thursday evening after they teach us in Veterinary school,” said Dr. you’re familia. Pacco the Parrot, local mascot and public Beth Hammerstein, the Vet who delivered figure, began spouting obscenities at the the injection. “But sometimes saying patrons of Baja Tom’s Bar and Grill. something isn’t enough. I saw something, so I let the needle do the talking. The “I trusted him,” said disgruntled bar-goer, injection was quick and painless. It didn’t Marvin Cantrell. “I always thought of Pacco hurt me one bit!” Hammerstein added, “I as a friend, an ally even. But it’s obvious always carry a vial with me in my purse. It that he was never with the cause.” keeps a woman safe. Much more effective than pepper spray.” Baja Tom’s Thirsty Thursday is a hot spot for local Veterinarians due to the additional Although the death of Pacco was deemed 15% off your tab with proof of a valid “Just and Deserved” by Miami Beach medical license, so luckily for the witnesses residing Judge, Larry Bosco, many citizens of the racist rant, the incident only went on are up in arms about the way the situation for two minutes before the altercation was was handled. defused by the administration of a swift Baja Tom’s Bar and Grill euthanization. 4441 Collins Ave, Miami Beach, FL 33140 (305) 193 7677 15% Veterinarian Discount on Thursdays

18 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 19 NEWS ANIMALS Young Woman’s Sexual Awakening Put On Hiatus By Luka Stojcic mixed Breed

DOWNEY, CALIFORNIA auren Greenfield, a 16-year-old attending Greenfield has considered dating several LWest Downey High, has— according young men in the past few years, but all of to sources close to the girl— put her long- them have admitted they have been able to anticipated sexual awakening on hiatus. reach orgasm before— a red flag for her. “If Greenfield reportedly confided to a friend, you’re not thinking about this horrific stuff, even By Henry Cragg @wight_geist one Sarah Moore, about the circumstances during sex, you’re complicit. End of story.” preventing her from realizing her full potential as a sexual being in the erotic marketplace. The Poor Excuse team sat down with Greenfield at Winston Park, the girl’s favorite “Roe v. Wade is in danger of being overturned, location to contemplate and soothe her ICE is conducting quasi-fascistic raids on a daily anxiety. Greenfield sighed, rolling a cigarette basis, the planet is heating up at a gobstopping on the thermoplastic picnic table. “It’s not rate and soon the Maldives will be swallowed like I don’t want to have sex. I do, it just… whole. How the hell am I supposed to get off all feels like a bit too much sometimes, you while all this is going on?” Greenfield said. know? I’m worried that if I put this stuff out (He did the cover too!) of my mind—for just one second— it’ll blow Moore told Poor Excuse she’s worried for up in my face, and everything that we’ve been THe shadiest Greenfield’s well-being. “Look, we’re all fighting for, everything that we’ve died for, will magazne worried, all right? But that doesn’t mean you be gone, disappeared in a flash.” She glanced on the planet can’t get in a good screw every now and again. down, seeming pained, then looked at the PE And—” the girl added— “I’m not sure if Lauren’s reporter. “You get it, don’t you?” The reporter, even masturbated before.” Responding to the after a moment’s hesitation, nodded. accusation, Greenfield rolled her eyes. “Is masturbation going to solve our broken health He later confessed to the editor he was thinking care system? Is masturbation going to rescue about a ketchup stain on his bed frame that the American proletariat from wages that have seemed to be attracting ants. not kept up with the last 30 years of rising inflation?”

20 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 21 LIFESTYLE: ADULTHOOD 3. Put Away the Greek Letters Post grad Checklist You’ve been hearing it since you went By Olivia Oreskovich through recruitment: “It’s not four years, it’s for life.” Yeah, no. Do you really want to keep getting hit on by younger “college kids” who still live in a house with thirteen other people? 4. Start Tipping 20% Imagine going back to their place for I get it, you’re broke, but so is everyone the night; you’d never be able to use in the service industry and they deserve the bathroom or sneak out before the more than two dollars on your fifteen sun comes up (yes adults still do this, dollar acai bowl with extra coconut I’ve been told off the record). Sure it flakes. Let’s be honest: you should’ve might be a sense of pride, but those started dishing out appropriate tips letters are going to start attracting all after high school, but you’ve been the wrong attention in your new friend slacking with the excuse, “I’m a broke group of “innovative start-up techies.” college student.” Well, everyone is Invest in some Patagonia and move a broke (and broken) adult, so no o you just graduated? You’re probably 2. Stop Eating Fast Food on. Hold it in your heart, not your side more excuses bud! Not only is your wondering how best to transition into tote. S You didn’t just lose your meal plan server working this job, they’re also the “adult world” that college has when you graduated: you also lost probably trying to become an actor somewhat prepared you for. Here are 4. Delete Your Finsta. your gym membership! No more in Hollywood, and you want the next the top five tips and tricks of blending Zumba classes or iron pumping I’m Serious. Netflix mega-series to be a hit, right? into adulthood as a new grad. with the boys, because let’s face it: Instagram is already becoming a place You know why the Game of Thrones for your mom to comment, “Great pic ending was so terrible? The writers 1. Don’t get Drunk. Ever. purchasing a membership at a gym in Los Angeles is way over your budget Carey, proud of your new internship!” were working at Olive Garden and Getting lit in college was a regular (#newgrad #nomoneynoproblems It’s on its way out of being the place to some asshole in a Delta Delta Xi shirt weekend (and sometimes weekday) #fitness). The simple and easy fix is to share pics you’d never be caught dead tipped them a WHOPPING 10%. occasion. Karaoke nights at the local bar stop eating out and switch to a plant uploading to Facebook. It’s now time Don’t ruin Stranger Things 4 for on a Tuesday? If you remember them, based diet. Are you telling me to for you to stop posting pictures of you all of us. Seriously. you clearly weren’t drinking enough. go vegan? Don’t put a label on it, day drinking with captions entailing Don’t forget to come back to these five Playing die and posting snaps of your just know that the more you decide to long stories that you really should tips when you’re feeling a little lost in friend passed out in the front yard? meet friends for food, the less likely be telling to your therapist, not this new sea of adulthood. Classic darty. But once you get out of it is you’ll be able to fit into your 124 of your “closest followers.” Don’t college, binge drinking isn’t something “interview outfits” equating to a lack have a therapist yet? That’s another you do with the boys for fun anymore; of employment and long nights alone step toward accepting adulthood (too And remember, there’s no it’s a symptom of being an alcoholic! crying over your priceless diploma bad you didn’t take advantage of the going back, so you might while stuffing your face with pre-licked free sessions on campus). as well trudge forward! Blue Bell Ice Cream.

22 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 23 LIFESTYLE: ROMANCE I am going to dig deep with this one But as the summer wore on, I felt myself Unsolicited Dating Advice From A and unpack my own summer romance getting deeper into this “relationship” I to get to the truth. The year was 2018. honestly did not want to be in. Shocking, Girl Who Doesn’t Know What Things were different then, simpler. I was but once it was just the two of us alone, the F ck She’s Doing: inexperienced in the realm of summer we didn’t have much to say. I was so By Abby Braccia* relationships, but I had seen Grease over obsessed with the IDEA of being with a dozen times so I knew exactly what I someone for the summer, I didn’t stop Hello Readers, wanted. to think about if I was actually obsessed with the person I was with (spoiler alert: If the title of this article did not make it So in walks George Clooney (*name I wasn’t). clear enough, I’m single. I have been changed for privacy reasons*) and I for at least 5 seasons of The Bachelor think, okay I can work with that. Then, What came next was unnecessary and 3 seasons of Bachelor In Paradise. after a few flirtatious nights spent at the drama that tainted the remainder of my Yet, I’m still a hopeless romantic. I cry lake (with seven other people) and some summer nights- all because Danny and at the gum commercial where the two romantic evening strolls (accompanied by Sandy made kissing on the beach look people fall in love and he proposes by four other friends to avoid any awkward so fun. writing on the wrapper. It’s cuter than it sounds, okay? conversation lulls), I thought wow, this is it. It’s just so natural! So, my advice to all of you singles Despite loving all things love related, looking for love this summer vacation… I keep finding myself utterly lost in the While there were fireworks bursting in don’t. Summer is about doing all of the abyss of all things relationship related. the sky during our first kiss, they were things you don’t have time to do in the However, I still want to offer advice to noticeably absent from my own heart. year. Take that road trip with your friends! the other brave souls attempting to meet But, I wanted that summer fling so badly, Learn how to play the guitar! Get a job, “the one” in this world of catfishes and Don’t deny it. Everyone wants a summa I wrote it off as nerves. you lazy shit. If someone that rocks your f*ckboys. I just know there has to be some lova. There’s something about that hot socks comes along, amazing! Go for it, higher purpose for all of my horrible summer air that makes you want to get and make out under the boardwalk for first dates and accidental superlikes on hot and heavy with someone hot. Oh, me! Tinder, and I think that’s trying to impart with some Luke Bryan playing in the some wisdom onto others. background. But PLEASE do not search You’ll make your own mistakes, Everywhere you look in the summer for it for the sole purpose but at least they won’t be as bad there’s stunning people making out of finding a summer fling, as mine. just to prove- Sure he uses way too much tongue but I found someone because that is soooooo So that brings me to this dreaded month. and you didn’t! Ha! 2018. July. Sure, you look at it and think “fireworks,” and “hot lifeguards,” Yet, when you take away the idea of and “stupid England!” But I look at having cute Instagrams to prove to it and think, two more months to find a everyone from high school that you’re summer a fling. doing GREAT, you have to wonder- is having a summer bae really worth it?

24 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 25 NEWS In addition to this slowing down of This summer, parents, as you look for YouR Friendly neighborhood... city operations, the webs have also things to keep your little (and not so had concrete, life-changing effects little) ones busy, instead of sending Vandal? upon a select few citizens. Suzanna them to a summer camp, think about An Editorial By Joe Farrington Jellerson, a 1st grade student with a sending them into the streets to clean

By Ryan Hopkins love for painting, will never be able up Spider-Man’s webs; we certainly to paint again due to an encounter know he isn’t. All you need is a pair of with our “spidey friend.” On May 11, scissors, some 409 cleaning solution, 2019, Miss Jellerson was struck in the and a willingness to better one’s face by a littered web that hung from community. Local business magnate, a McDonald’s sign. Over the course Joanna Hornberg, has vowed to of three weeks, the complex polymer pay children $15 for every pound compound completely dissolved both of webbing that is disposed of this of Jellerson’s optic nerves, leaving her summer. For more information, contact completely blind. the Hornberg Cleanup Initiative at [email protected]. In an interview shortly after the incident, Jellerson recalls, “[Spider- Please encourage your little ones to Man] looked down at me as the do their part. You never know whose NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK web slapped me in my face as he child will become the next Suzanna ou may know him as an Avenger. Spider-Man’s carelessly spewed webs flipped onto the roof of McDonald’s. Jellerson. YYou may know him as a Queens across our city do not magically He just looked at me...gave me a native. You may know him as a disappear. His littered webs remain salute, and jumped backwards off masked, web-slinging superhero. You scattered across the city, creating of the building...I hope [Spider-Man may know him simply, as Spider-Man. complications for day-to-day has] lost a close father-figure. I hate If you’re like me, however, you know operations. For example, his webs Spider-Man!” him as your friendly neighborhood have created an estimated 6 hour vandal. increased drive time per citizen per year, and it has caused a 17% We Hate You Spiderman! This past Wednesday, a report was decrease in light coverage from lamp given to me by a source who desires posts as his webs leave a permanent to remain nameless. In this report, it residue on everything it touches. states that Spider-Man’s web-slinging antics have cost the city nearly $15 million in cleanup fees in just the past two years alone. While many assume that this cost is primarily from the cataclysmal danger he brings to our city, it is simply from his webs.

26 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 27 A Poor excuse magazine March the 11th, 1846 Troubles have plagued us these first few days on the Trail. A exclusive: swarm of humbugs laid siege to our tents, buzzing wildly in carefully orchestrated armadas— Philip and Abraham attempted a counter- assault; the two men only succeeded in spotting up our tents with bullet holes, leaving even more room for the insects to feast on us. We have not found a suitable stream in which to bathe, leaving most of us smelling and appearing rancid— except for Albert Smith, who only seemed to grow more iridescent with the stench of the country x on him. Henry Chartreuse has attempted to lift spirits amongst the company by regaling us with tales of his time in the British army— one highly amusing story about a sycophantic Private Jertie being framed for a brutal murder of a hard-nosed lieutenant boosted morale considerably.

March the 14th, 1846

A most bizarre encounter.

Our convoy of emigrants had started on the St. Joseph’s Trail, toward Fort Laramie some 700 miles due west. The trail is beset with he Poor Excuse team, while spelunking somewhere in the Oregon grime and mud, our horses traversing through the swampland up to Twilderness, has uncovered a diary account of the Oregon Trail-- their fetlocks. Patches of willows break up the uniformity of the land, written by a woman they believe to be named Abigail McDowell. a wood every now and again, waywardly pining toward the flotilla of McDowell’s diary recounts the hardship of the Trail countless settlers leaden clouds, which hang depressed over the prairie. traversed to reach the safe havens of the American West. Mcdowell writes about her run-ins with Indians, her confrontations with her fellow We had trekked many miles that day, searching erstwhile for a travelers, and, in general, she crafts a gripping tale of braving one of stream or pool in which to bathe— before dusk had shut the eyelids the most difficult journeys man has ever attempted. of the trail, Reynal made clear to the company his hunch that, to the immediate northeast, there was a brook which might be amenable to The Poor Excuse team will be releasing segments of her diary in a series bathing. The entire company snickered at his piffle— Reynal’s wife, of columns, every word of which has been unedited or substituted with Jane, took a knife from one of the wagons and brought it across the less offensive language by our editors. We hope you’ll enjoy A Woman back of his leg. We all looked at one another and burst into raucous West: The Unabridged Daybok of Abigail McDowell laughter. 28 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 29 “What in the hell is wrong with you?!” the man exclaimed. “I These travellers had started, like us, from Fort Leavenworth and would perhaps understand a sneer or taunt but physically hurting we shared tales of the hardships of the trail, all the while recognizing me and drawing blood is hardly even a joke! It’s simply violence!” His the worst was yet to come. Mary Anne, the young woman, mentioned protests made us guffaw harder. Renata, in particular, was amused, something about one of their company being kidnapped by savages calling the man “barely a person” and “actually a pretty good portent but I was distracted admiring Albert Smith from across the pond. of the future state of masculinity,” referencing again her conviction she was from the future. Soon after, Mary Anne moved closer to me, breaching a comfortable distance between us. “The men are enjoying you,” she Soon after, Henry Chartreuse pricked up on his horse, and said, somewhat sultrily, turning her head and gesturing toward a announced to the company his hunch that, to the immediate cadre of naked men who grinned at me. “I am glad,” I retorted, my northeast, there was a brook which might be amenable to bathing. eyes darting around in vain to find Philip. I realized then, to my We murmured excitedly and left Reynal, Abraham (who eschewed horror, what exactly was happening. I jolted upward out of the pool hygiene) and Benjamin— a glum physician who liked to wax on things and gathered my articles. beyond my understanding— back at the camp. Reynal seemed upset by something, so Abraham punched him in the stomach. We left the meadow at once, with other members of the company apparently having experienced similar vulgar passes— Renata was the Making our way through the clearing onto a fresh green meadow, only one of us who seemed pleased with the outcome. I asked Philip set by bluffs on either end, we noticed a caravan to the east— wagons, whether he had been receptive to the perverts’ advances— my husband horses, munitions. Scanning the meadow again, peering from beyond said he had not fornicated with any of the women, and I was glad to a thicket of shrubbery, we realized that there were travellers in the hear it. pool, bathing and conversing. We consulted Henry Chartreuse, who assured us the folks looked decent (while of course, not being decent). We settled back at camp, pitched our tents, and tried to forget the evening’s trespasses, readying ourselves for the whip-crack of dawn. We walked over to the pool and one young woman, in the shallow end, perked up. “Greetings!” she said jubilantly. “Would you like I will write again soon. to join us for some intercourse?” I, being predisposed to pleasant conversation, agreed, and with some sheepishness, we undressed and joined our fellow emigrants in the water.

30 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 31 TRAVEL When I was in 8 th grade, I went boogie I went to my third prom of senior year (not a Why I Hate The Beach boarding in Hermosa Beach. What started as big deal) and the after-prom festivities were By Marc Brockwell a day of fun riding the waves, quickly turned to take place at a beach house on the Jersey to suck when I realized that evening that I had Shore. Yup, you read that right… THE Jersey A couple of weeks ago, some friends asked developed a terrible, painful rash all over my Shore, and let me tell you… it’s exactly me if I wanted to go to the beach for a chest that would’ve never happened if I didn’t as you would imagine it to be (perhaps day. Without hesitation, I replied no. Not a go to the beach that day. Also, there’s nothing worse, surprisingly the TV hides some of the fucking chance. The beach sucks. There, worse than trying to walk on burning hot sand trashiness). We arrived at 2am after the prom I said it. Are beaches beautiful? Some. Can (I don’t have an anecdote for this, but I’m sure and I was expecting a decent, cozy beach I admire the gorgeous coastline? Usually. you all can imagine how terrible that run from house. Instead, the 16 of us were dropped off Let me make it clear, I love being NEAR a your chair to the water is without burning the at two adjoining rooms of a Motel 6, just one beach. What I can’t stand, is the physical soles of your feet off). Also… what’s the deal block away from the actual Jersey Shore TV act of actually going down and spending with sand castles? Grow up and buy a Lego set show house. I was livid. This place was gross, a day AT the beach. It’s hot, there’s sand like a regular adult. and aside from having no running water, it everywhere, you get sunburnt, it’s just not also probably hadn’t had any maintenance a worthwhile experience. One of the worst weekends or housekeeping done on it since 1987. This place is where hookers go to die. Like I mentioned, one of the biggest reasons I hate going to the beach is because my of my life took place at the fair, Irish skin absolutely ROASTS in the sun beach. and I get the worst sunburn all the time. No matter how much sunscreen I put on, I’ve never gone to the beach and NOT left with a vicious sunburn. Therefore, I just avoid it Also, even if it’s 97 degrees out and all together. It’s really not worth it for me. absolutely disgusting, for some reason, the One hour at the beach and the sunburn that water is ALWAYS a ridiculous 36 degrees. inevitably happens just fucks with me for What’s with that? Why is ocean water the entire week after. Have you ever had a always freezing? The one time I went in sunburn on the backside of your knee? You and tried to enjoy waves, I nearly died of know, that area that is constantly bending, hypothermia. And can we talk about how opening and closing anytime you make a gross ocean water actually is? Every time move? No? Well, it’s terrible. Aside from I take a step in the ocean I’m afraid I’m the shoulders and neck, it might just be the going to slice my foot open and wind up absolute worst place to get a sunburn. Also, with some flesh-eating bacteria. There’s there’s no air conditioning at the beach. seaweed, crabs, and literal fish shit. Why Air conditioning is possibly humanity’s would anyone want to spend time in that? number 2 invention behind the Wendy’s That’s why one of my favorite places on Baconator. Have you ever been unhappy in earth are indoor water parks. That’s right, air conditioning? No, of course not! It’s all the fun and amenities of a waterpark, actually impossible to be unhappy while except INSIDE. The water’s clean*, the sitting inside in a cool 69 degree room (the temperature’s always a crisp 85 degrees, optimal temperature for internal cooling). and there’s usually easy access to alcohol. If the beach was consistently 69 degrees I honestly can’t think of anything better. and not an abysmal 97 every time I go, perhaps I would reconsider it. *Editor’s Note: No it is not.

32 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 33 SPIRITUALITY HOROSCOPES

By Keiva Bradley Aries This week will be big one, prepare for drama. An ex lover wants you…. to die. Stay away from buses, especially if your ex is a bus driver. Taurus While you prefer the comfort of your own room, please get out at least once this week, it’s starting to worry your family and friends. Have a picnic on Thursday. Gemini Wear your dancing shoes and go to the disco! Stay away from the color orange and call your mom. All good things for you this week. Cancer Shortly after deciding how the eight Now, I will admit, my general negative Beware the moldy peach. couples would split up two rooms, a white disposition for the beach has largely made Leo Mercedes Benz pulls up into the parking me avoid beaches at all costs. So as a Don’t jump into anything to quick! This is a time for laying low. Do a facemask, and lot and out comes a spikey haired Italian result, I’m sure there are many wonderful GET A JOB! The best revenge is your paper... boy with condoms hanging out of his shirt beaches in the world that perhaps I would Virgo pocket and a bottle of Apple Ciroc in his actually enjoy. My boss went on a cruise to This week sing us a song, you’re the piano man. Whatever that means for you. Also other hand. “Yo, is [REDACTED] here?” the Bahamas recently and he was telling Tuesday morning a little bit of yoga will go a long way. It turns out, this girl, whose name I won’t me that the sand was so white and fluffy publish, called up this 23 year old named and water was extremely clean and clear Libra Greg (who insisted that we refer to him and it was a beautiful 75 degrees with Friday night celebrate with a cheese plate. This week you will accomplish something only as “G-Money”) to bang her in the a wonderful breeze. Now this sounds you’ve wanted to get done for a long time. other room, as the 15 of us (including her absolutely wonderful to me. The beaches Scorpio prom date) sit in a circle in the adjoining down in the Bahamas, Virgin Islands, Turks Oh you silly little goose, why have you treated yourself this way for so long? There is no room and try not to listen to her moans and Caicos, those sound great and I would one to blame but yourself, do not hold off until Sunday evening, do the work today! It through the thin walls of the Motel 6. It love to try those someday. The Cove is a will pay off in your future. was an experience that could’ve only taken restaurant in Malibu where the tables and place at the Jersey Shore. It was early May, chairs are literally in the sand on the beach Sagittarius and aside from the weather being gloomy and the dining area is covered by a giant, If you own a cat just be on the lookout okay. If you don’t you’re safe….for now. and the water being freezing cold, the mesh tent. While the food was absolutely Capricorn group of aspiring guidos and guidettes fucking atrocious, the view was great Grace your peers with your undivided attention this week. There has been much on I found myself with were just absolutely and that’s what really counted. That’s my your mind, but really listen to others this week, you will learn something new. terrible people and made for an incredibly ideal beach experience: going to the beach unpleasant experience that, again, would without actually having to experience the Aquarius not have happened had I not decided to beach. Avoid the pool and your local trader joes. I’m sorry. But that’s all make that trek to that God-forsaken beach. I guess what I’m saying is that Pisces I actually don’t hate the beach, This is a wonderful time to be you! You look great and your friends love you! Give a just all the shitty stuff that comes little love to someone who needs it this week. Perhaps purchase a succulent. with it. 34 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 35 LIFESTYLE: FASHION 2. Crop Top with Jean Shorts 3 Hot Summer Outfits Your Mom This is a classic summer look; you won’t even think about possible consequences as you throw it on to Will Make Weird, Body-Shaming go about your business in the intense summer heat. Comments About Just be careful not to show up to the family BBQ in it, because your mom not only objects to women By Evvy Hofmeister showing off their body generally, she also objects to specifically you revealing your body. Try to focus on a memory of a time you felt loved when she glances at your legs and casually wonders aloud if “women these days have more cellulite than when I was young” and if “all your friends think it’s fine to go around with their butts hanging out like that.” Mmmm, that burger doesn’t taste so good now.

3. Flowy Maxi Dress ummer is a great time to dress the way YOU want to, without bulky layers Elegant and comfortable, it’s hard to go wrong with Sand rain jackets obscuring your unique style. Unfortunately, the heat and a Maxi Dress. Just remember that although your humidity of summer seems to stir up something in your usually lovely mother mom isn’t a fan of showing skin, she also isn’t a big that reminds her of her innate desire to pick apart her children’s styling and fan of you still being single at the ripe age of 23. appearance choices until their self-esteem is in shambles. Check out these She’s the woman who read you bedtime stories and three cute summer outfits we think you’ll love and your mom will make weird, put Neosporin on your scraped knees, but now her body-shaming comments about. instincts are telling her to sell you off to the next available suitor for a sack of rice, so if you want a 1. Romper with Cutouts boyfriend anytime soon you’d “better stop dressing This flirty piece is so versatile you’ll have trouble not like a pilgrim and put your best foot forward.” Those wearing it every day, whether to the beach with your are some mixed messages she’s putting out; on the girlfriends or late nights clubbing. You feel trendy one hand, she thinks women who don’t wear bras to in it, which is important because you’ll need that work don’t deserve jobs but on the other she wants confidence when your mom catches sight of you. to know if it’d “kill you to show a little cleavage once She received a different, older feminist upbringing, in a while.” Use those long, draping sleeves to wipe so you’ll have to forgive her for interrupting an entire your tears because you look hot this summer, girl! dinner to say she “doesn’t get why you’d want to dress like a sexy baby” and wants to know if “you We hope these outfits inspire you to play around with your wardrobe and find really expect to be taken seriously in that?” This outfit something that you feel good in, while also adhering to your mother’s strict and may be best worn around other millennials. incomprehensible guidelines. If you think you’ve found the perfect outfit and are ready to head out the door, make sure you haven’t forgotten to factor in every man on earth’s opinion about your body as well! Go get ‘em!

36 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 37 TRAVEL The motorized gates open to It completely eradicated any reveal the theme park in its need for human labor, allowing glorious entirety. To begin, I streamlined access without the My day at follow the red brick road to the financial burdens of operators first attraction and find Rockin’ on company payroll. As long as Gentrification Park Raisin’ Rents Roller Coaster. This I conveniently forgot about the rollercoaster is the first Artificial moral complications of eliminating By Joey Capestany Intelligence (AI) roller coaster of employees from the workforce, this its kind. ride was a total blast. The morning dew frosts the park like the sweat gleams on the stomach of an adult actress. My locally-sourced coffee warms every inch of my soul as I wait outside - but this isn’t just any park. My friends, welcome to my day at Gentrification Park.

The attendants stumble to unlock the gates as I idly watch them from the driver’s seat. Before the park can open, they must undo the twenty-seven high-security locks, one at a time. Each lock represents another aspect of safety - there can never be enough ways to keep unwanted people out. And it works! To this day, the park has never had anyone enter that they did not want inside. However, locks aren’t the only safety protocol this park has, as twenty-four-hour surveillance by paid guards monitoring security cameras have constant access to drones in order to strike imposters at any moment.

38 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 39 As I exited the ride, I walked through My hunger finally satisfied, I The grand entrance to Police a hot yoga and essential oil pop-up decided it was time to visit the other State had remarkable white brick shop. The instructor, like many of the lands connected to the main park. columns with “Blue Lives Matter” other artisans at the park, immediately There are three additions that have written on them. I decided to get alerted me of their pronouns and been installed throughout the on one of the most popular rides asked for my sun, moon, and rising years: University Center (2010), in Police State named, I Was astrological signs as the park has a Everything’s Organic (2014), Acting in Self Defense. Moving strict No Pisces Sun Sign policy. This and their latest installation, Police police cars on a track carried me is the only time I was glad I was a State (2019). I waved down an through the simulated streets of Gemini. Uber and headed on my way. The South Chicago, with a Smith and grounds of Gentrification Park were Wesson M&P 9 standard issue As I departed the lavender enriched breathtaking as I rode through, handgun attached to the front of shop, I discovered a hidden brick with spectacularly trimmed grass the car, a hologram officer sitting road that led to a booming shopping lawns and white picket fences. next to me in the driver’s seat. I center - how did I miss this before? Salt Modernly styled homes and lush grew nervous as I drove along lamps, flannel t-shirts, Birkenstocks, The old shop owners, a large dog parks line each block. because I had never been in a city and all natural full-spectrum CBD family, held unmarked brown that looked like this. Thankfully, oil were lovingly displayed in the boxes while tears streamed down “The more dog- I knew I would be safe because gleaming bulletproof-glass windows. their cheeks. The father looked friendly the better,” of the extensive anti-racism and I found myself getting a bit hungry, up with his fist clenched and de-escalation training that each so I began to search for a bite to eat. started screaming at the sky. said my driver. police officer had - nothing could Immediately, I see a Whole Foods Almost instantaneously, a crane go wrong. self check-out on the right, but the lowered the new sign into place: line was crowded with university Shake Shack. I shrugged my students, so I settled for a burger shoulders as I drained the last at the newest joint, 1% Burgers. As of my sweet, house-fermented I dug into my delicious plant-based, truffle-seasoned burger, I noticed that The stores are constantly many of the older shops were being changing in Gentrification replaced with newer stores. I saw the Park, and I must say it’s workers unscrewing an old restaurant for the better. sign, Pearl of India: Local Cuisine, and throwing it into the trash.

40 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 41 My police car stopped next to As more people flooded through the a hooded man walking down a gates, I decided it was best for me quiet street.The officer demanded to pack up for the day. I followed he stop walking but it appeared the red brick road back to the main like he didn’t hear the command. gates, where I saw many disgruntled The police car began to shake families marching through with signs and a large, red number on the about how the attractions were “an screen began to count down from abomination to the human race”. ten. ‘SHOOT THE CONVICT’ I walked past as guards began to flashed repeatedly, and the sirens detain the non-permitted protestors. increased to a deafening decibel It was annoying, and frankly, selfish until I couldn’t take it anymore. I - how am I supposed to get to my aimed, and pulled the trigger. The car with all this commotion? I finally hologram officer congratulated got to the exit, where I was given a me for my bravery - map of the next city Gentrification Park was travelling to - they are doing a national tour this year, I was keeping the hitting all fifty states! As I exited the streets safe. park, the nose-studded attendant handed me a cup of ice-cream. He The ride hissed to a halt as blue leaned in and quietly said, “Don’t and white confetti shot out of worry, it’s vegan.” A perfect day cannons around me while the song finally over, I drove home in my “Celebrate” by Earth, Wind, and electric car thinking about how Fire bumped in the background. I wonderfully Gentrification Park had truly was acting in self-defense. transformed my community. I call that an absolute win in my book.

43 42 Poor Excuse Magazine Compiled by Jacob Staudenmaier CompiledPoor by Excuse Jacob Magazine Staudenmaier NEWS Porter doesn’t recall saying anything Baby Boomer Discontent with offensive. “I think I mentioned that I owned ”Handshake Alternatives” the same lawn chair as him. For whatever By Grayson McKim reason that really got him riled up. After that, I realized the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, so I just stood up and said it was nice to meet him in an attempt to leave.”

And that’s when shit hit the fan. Porter made the mistake of offering his fist out to Brown in an attempt to perform what is colloquially known as a fist bump. Brown did not take the gesture well and jumped to his feet, ready to fight.

“Look, when I see a hand in front of me, Brown at Basic Training in Fort Jackson (1978) there are two possible outcomes. One, it’s A few days later, Brown wrote a small open, and I’ll determine if the person is manifesto relating to generational BURBANK, CALIFORNIA An hour or so into the gathering, Mr. Porter worthy of shaking my hand. Or two, it’s a discrimination. Unfortunately, it can’t be noticed that Brown was sitting alone. “He closed, and I’m about to drop somebody. shown in full due its use of profanity, but “Fists are for throwing, was kind of slumped over in his chair, and So you can understand that when I saw fist Brown’s main point is that the millennial I just wanted to make sure everything was raised, I had no choice but to raise my own trend of “using shitty alternatives to not bumping” okay. He was a couple beers in at that two punchers- I didn’t know what he was handshakes” can make a lot of boomers point,” says Porter. thinking, so I prepared for the worst,” says feel attacked. ilas Brown, a 59 year-old resident Brown. Sof Burbank who lacks any notable Brown wasn’t happy to be stirred. He ends the piece with a controversial characteristics, was devastated this weekend “Apparently the kid had never seen anyone However, shortly after going into combat statement (shown below) that has garnered by what he calls “a complete degradation of taking a beer nap before,” says Brown. mode, Brown took a nasty fall to the much attention from generational rights American culture.” “When I was in the army*, me and the boys ground. activists. knew that you never woke up a superior Last Sunday, Brown attended a block party on a beer nap, not unless you wanted a “He stood up all of a sudden, but then he “If I’m supposed to ask to welcome his new neighbors, the Porters. bruising.” just fainted and fell back down. I think he had been sitting down for so long that all people for their proverbs “They seemed fine at first,” says Brown. “If *Brown’s military experience consists his blood had pooled in his legs,” says of a partially completed basic combat (sic), I think it’s only fair I’m being completely honest, I was happy to Porter. training at Fort Jackson and a bumper see them walking over. Maybe it was the 24 that they ask permission sticker on his 2003 Ford Ranger that Mrs. Brown assured the group of neighbors pack of Buds, but they looked like decent reads “Salute- a veteran is on board.” to touch their fist to mine.” people.” that these fainting spells weren’t an uncommon occurrence. With the help of “What was I saying? Yeah, after waking Porter, she dragged her husband back to Poor Excuse Magazine believes that Brown Unfortunately, those beers would be the only me up, he… I’m trying to remember what meant to use the word pronouns instead of buds left by the end of the night. their house to get him some rest. Luckily, he said. I forget what it was about but it Brown recovered within the hour with no proverbs. got my blood boiling even more. Was it apparent injuries. something about my wife?”

44 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 45 POETRY PHOTOGRAPHY Uh Oh, Those Summer nights CAption Contest: By Lina Larson We ripped off The New Yorker, so what? Summer lovin’, had me a blast Summer lovin’, happened so fast We asked the Poor Excuse Team to create a caption Met a girl crazy for me Met a boy cute as can be for a photo with no context. Summer days drifting away To, uh oh, those summer nights

L.O.L.O.L.O. Uh! Here’s the Tell me more, tell me more Did you get very far? photo: Downtown LA Tell me more, tell me more Like does he have a car?

He drove by me, in a mustang. It was blue, with green and some red. With a Bitmoji, of himself on the side! Holy fuck, something’s begun But. Uh oh. Just for summer nights.

L.O.L.O.L.O. Uh! Tell me more, tell me more Did you run at first sight? Tell me more, tell me more Did you just drive at night?

Took her to get some icecream, at eight. We parked ten blocks away. We made out away from the spot We stayed out till ten o’clock Summer fling don’t mean a thing But, uh oh, those summer nights

Tell me more, tell me more Did he meet your close friends? Tell me more, tell me more Photo by Alex Simon @alexsignon Yeah but she drove instead.

He got friendly holding my hand Well, she got friendly behind a bush! He was sweet, just turned twenty three Here’s what they came up with: Well, she was good, you know what I mean Summer heat, boy and girl meet But, uh oh, those summer nights 46 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 47 Honey, I shrunk the Moon. Damn, who knew stuff is still Here’s Greg from San Francisco If you squeeze it hard enough, This is the last time im bring- The beach volleyballs we’ll have -Lina Larson washing up from Chernobyl? just two weeks after using our the birdy hatches sooner. ing my iHome to the beach. after we Storm Area 51. -Marc Brockwell meditation app! -Cori DeTurk -Riley Warmoth -Joey Capestany -Olivia Oreskovich

The orb has spoken… Goodnight, sweet prince. Not you again. They said putting my phone Lost welcomed its newest Culprit for our warming Marianne Williamson will be -Jacob Staudenmaier -Abby Braccia in my front pocket would give character this week, despite oceans found: a mysterious our new president. -Claire Briggs my balls radiation, but this is being cancelled over 9 years glowing orb. Just kidding it’s ridiculous! -Erik Charbonneau ago. -Grayson McKim still capitalist greed. -Evvy Hofmeister

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Now I Am Become Garrett, When your alien from Area 51 I think something is wrong with Destroyer Of Ass. -Luka Stojcic doesn’t do shit but glow. my Fushigi. -Ryan Hopkins -Keiva Bradley 48 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 49 LIFESTYLE: FOOD Norris nibbled on an iceberg lettuce salad lazily thrown together by our GOOd eats with eloise: 4th of july very own Ms. Tabatha Greene. Call me harsh, but iceberg lettuce, a few By Keiva Bradley tomatoes, and a cube of feta cheese, is not a salad.

An item I did enjoy was the pasta salad made by a younger fellow with some european accent. I don’t remember his name, but he wears glasses so I just call him Harry Potter. Harry To end the day, I had a Firecracker actually put raisins in this macaroni popsicle, which was arguably one of salad which are some of my favorite the best parts of the BBQ. Some snacks. mother with short blonde hair brought them, her name was Thelma and her Maria, a lovely young lesbian, was in daughter was Louise. Lousie had a charge of the BBQ this year and made cunning look in her eye and was the a real nice dog. She complimented sharpest shooters of the children, not me on my sunhat. Sorry Maria, but one to make an enemy out of. As OOM BOOM CRACKLE...sizzle... I was invited to a potluck type 4th of I’m not interested right now, maybe the evening light faded Norris and I BANG!! That’s right, you guessed July BBQ my apartment complex was B next year. Ha ha ha... gathered the remaining napkins and a it, it’s the Fourth of July, a time organizing. I’m a critic and not a chef few more popsicles for the road, then for Americans to come together and so I showed up with some old napkins Two college students Jessie and Jazz departed. Norris, quite like a dog, is reflect on how lucky they were to be I found in my kitchen drawer, and a brought some red and blue jello shots. startled by Fireworks and now that he is born here and not south of the border, grapefruit for the children to share. The alcohol was very cheap, but blind, his other senses are heightened where if you try to leave and come to it got the job done. Jessie and Jazz so we must be extra vigilant. I would these sweet “liberty and justice for all!” With Norris in hand (Norris is my looked after Norris once when I was give the BBQ a 7/10. It wasn’t bad, lands you could get locked in a cage! blind tortoise for first time readers), I off visiting my mother. They fed Norris It just didn’t ‘wow’ me. The food was wandered down to the courtyard to strawberries and gave him a bath. decent, great popsicles, and Norris Now, now, I know what you’re thinking, find an array of tables each spread They will always have a place in my had some fun in the sun. “I just came to this article to read a with food. The thing about Potlucks is heart. quirky, elderly woman give a nice review you never know what you will get and How was your 4th of July BBQ? If on food! This seems politically charged who is bringing what, right away I I’m sure you’re wondering about there were Rice Krispie treats I don’t and it’s making me uncomfortable”, spotted on different tables at least two Jonathan, well he brought nothing. wanna know. This has been Good but I’m old so I can say what I want. trays of red and blue sprinkled Rice Typical. He just ran around with the Eats with Eloise, and I will leave you Respect your elders. To those who Krispie Treats. Great. You could try to other children shooting water guns and with a fun American fact: According to would rather sit in denial about be a little more creative next time.... causing a ruckus. One shot of water wideopeneats.com President Trump’s the state of this country, worry got within five feet of Norris. Some favorite food is the Peanut! Which is not! I do have a nice, quirky review of may think that was a coincidence, but approximately the same size as his food for you today. I’m not convinced. brain. 50 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 51 LIFESTYLE: HEALTH 1) I simply contracted an aggressive skin 3) Call up your HMO and beg to get a disease!! Seeing odd lesions in your skin? Call referral for a dermatologist! Guess who A Summer your primary care physician right away! Loyal isn’t going to take your calls? That’s right, your readers will know that I ALWAYS recommend incompetent doctor. I think I’m not alone in diet so hot, googling your symptoms before going to see saying, I’ve always loved spending hours on your doctor, but with this weight loss program, hold. When I finally heard the glorious voice of it literally maximum panic = maximum weight loss, so a real human being, she told me that it’ll take burns hold off on consulting Dr. WebMD until step 2. at least two weeks to schedule a dermatology When your doctor sees the beginnings of your appointment and they’ll likely be booked out By Haley Schlicht skin outbreak, they will make it very clear that for the next month! One month?! This condition Bonus Point: Have dinner with your mother! When she Is the summer sizzling, but they do NOT have time for you. With a nothing has just spread from my legs to my arms in two sees the burned lesions across your body your bikini body leaving a little but a quick peek, some antibiotics, and send days. Congratulations! At this point you’ll have she’ll snidely point out that you ~kind something to be desired? With you off. Your doctor is so unconcerned about the reached maximum panic! Those calorie packed of~ look like a victim from a 1980s AIDS only one month left of summer, lesions popping up on your legs, you will be too! CPK leftovers about to go bad in your fridge will PSA . Thanks mom! I’ll never be able you’ve gotta kick those calories be literally the last thing on your mind. to eat Chicken Parmesan again without fast and boy, oh boy, do I have 2) Within 24 hours, I realized that the thinking about HIV! the diet for you. antibiotics had made the virus MUCH 4) Time to TAKE CHARGE of your health worse. My skin lesions were spreading like a and get your ass to urgent care! 7) The only negative to this INCREDIBLE With this 7 step program, I went from wildfire It’s time to visit the only reliable source weight loss opportunity is that I have a size 4 to a size 0 in FIVE days. of medical information- the internet! Wow, these PRO TIP: show them your skin lesions and been deemed clinically untouchable for horror stories on reddit are so much worse than you’ll get a luxurious ~private~ waiting room a month. But, hey, think of this as an »» Shed inches off your you could’ve ever imagined! With all the time you because apparently your outbreak is “highly excellent opportunity to spice up your thighs literally instantly! spend doing independent research (and having contagious.” The ER doc takes one look at the sex life. Who needs Kama Sutra when horror show rapidly taking over your body and »» Detoxify your body! small panic attacks) you’re going to forget to your partner can have the thrill of trying you’ll be walking out of there with an emergency »» SEXY side perks! eat at least two meals! Woohoo, the pounds are to avoid your burned and irritated skin already coming off! dermatology referral in hand. lesions? Nothing naughtier than being »» Earn bonus points! clinically contagious. Losing that magic 5) Pesky extra layers of epidermis adding Bonus Point Opportunity! spark in your relationship? Contract a digits to the scale? With my innovative weight skin disease together! There’s nothing Do your research at work! When your loss program, my dermatologist literally burned quite as sexy as rubbing ointment on each boss informs you that the whole office the skin disease off of me taking inches off my other’s festering, open sores. can hear you crying in the bathroom, be thighs and bingo wings INSTANTLY! Don’t listen sure to vaguely mention you’re having to the haters, permanent scarring across your “I literally haven’t been this skinny since infected legs and arms is SEXY! I was 13. My friends say they’re worried medical problems! about me, but really they’re just ENVIOUS of my incredible pockmarked, bikini body!” 6) The best part of this incredible program? The whole office will assume you You can binge with no weight gain repercussions! have cancer, and you’ll truly be too So are YOU ready for YOUR summer Remember those antibiotics? The ones you can’t body? Simply pay a one time fee of embarrassed to correct them! Guess quit until you’ve taken all of them? In conjunction $19.99 and you’ll be mailed one of Are YOU ready for the summer who’s skipping pizza Friday out of with the actual meds my lovely dermatologist my contaminated bandages! Just body you haven’t had since eighth shame? THIS LADY. put me on, left me feeling constantly sick! DARE give that bad boy a little rub-a-dub- grade? Here’s my dirty little secret to eat that Double Double! Let loose and order dub wherever you want the virus to incredible weight loss results. one of those 2000 calorie cheesy pastas at The to start, and you’re on your way to Cheesecake Factory! Bet your bottom dollar it’s the once in a lifetime experience of all coming up in the next two hours! body wide weight loss !

52 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 53 MUSIC You Need To Calm Down - Taylor Swift

Songs of the summer You Need To Go Back to COUNTRY, Tay. We love that Taylor is taking a stand with #pride in this song but until By Abby Braccia she admits that her and Karlie Kloss were obviously t seems every artist is out there is vying dating, we aren’t interested. Ifor the coveted title - song of summer. What anthem will people look back on Bad Guy - Billie Eilish and say “yeah, I got weird to that summer Ah, Billie. Nothing quite like a 17 year old crooning about 2k19?” Well, here’s a quick review of seducing your father. This song feels like the musical version some of the possibilities that are sitting of a Lifetime movie called “Stalked By My Step Daughter.” near the top of the charts.

Seniorita - Sean Mendez ft. Camilla Cabello Never Really Over - Katy Perry What an IRONIC title! I was over this song the second it They’re dating for a publicity stunt- grow up. started playing. However, it is shocking that after “Swish Swish,” Katy’s career isn’t over yet.

I Don’t Care - Justin Bieber and Ed Sheeran Money In The Grave - Drake ft. Rick Ross “When I die, put my money in the grave.” So Drake is Wow! Two of the biggest popstars in the WORLD talking really just gonna pretend he isn’t gonna leave millions for about how they “don’t fit in”? If you want to hear white boys his illegitimate child in France? Oh yeah. We didn’t forget talking about how “misunderstood” they are, just go to any about him like , Drake. bar in Los Angeles and find a man in a fedora. The title says YOU DID it all- I DON’T CARE! Go Loko - YG, Tyga, Jon Z Old Town Road - Lil Nas X, Billy Ray Cyrus Fun Fact. If you look in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, New I would rather get stampeded to DEATH by horses than Edition for the word “repetitive,” this song is the working listen to Billy Ray Cyrus pretend he’s anything more than definition. YG, go loko-up some synonymous for “loko.” Miley’s dad. Please.

*Writers Note- these reviews are intentionally very mean and satirical. I love all of these songs and respect the work that went into creating them. All art is beautiful. Thank you and goodnight.*

54 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 55 ENTERTAINMENT Not only that, but the film did not show a single mosquito on screen especially when #Swedesagainstmidsommar everyone (and I mean everyone when I A Manifesto by Dirk Douglas say everyone) knows that Midsommar is a mosquito ridden insect fest. AGAIN, I am By Jacob Staudenmaier not hating on Midsommar. I love the festival It was a Thursday night; A Thursday and its people, even though I’m not a night I could’ve happily spent lounging Swede myself. But my god there’s a lot with my hot wife, watching reruns of The of bugs.My arms never fail to look like little Big Bang Theory. Yet, there I was, forced kids backs after they return from a skin prick into a miserable, two hour experience test at the allergist. that shocked me to my core. Before we get into any specifics, I’d like to state for Finally, the biggest sin of them all is the the record that I am not Swedish. But disgusting music they shoved down my throat. yes, I am talking about the travesty of a What was all that orchestral string bullshit? film, Midsommar, which does take place Who thought that was representative of the in Sweden. beautiful musical scene Sweden has built up As you can see, I’m distraught. This film through the years. I mean come on, even had a profoundly destructive effect on my a low IQ individual could name at least I can’t even type Midsommar, let alone say body, both physically and mentally. I’ve it out loud, without physically gagging. one famous Swedish band (ahem..ABBA) considered checking myself into therapy YUCK! And I don’t use that word lightly. FUCKING ABBA! Ever think of that Ari? and I even called my mom for the first time In fact, I haven’t felt emotions this strong But let’s get back to the meat of the You asswipe. I mean how is Mama Mia, a in years. If I’m not even Swedish and since my review of the Lorax (2012). argument. The inaccuracies. Oh the movie set in Greece, gonna beat you on I’m this hurt, I can’t imagine what my poor However, that review was extremely inaccuracies! The film managed to smear this one? It should be common sense. friends in Sweden are experiencing. the legendary name of the Swedish positive due to the films brave take on But who am I to expect good capitalism and the environment (bravo people (who again, I don’t belong So reader, now is the time to be ultra Illumination!) This review is quite the to, but greatly admire!) in a little things anymore? sensitive and check in on our Swedish opposite... over two hours. Younger audiences will brothers and sisters. It doesn’t matter if walk out of the theatre with a severely, you’re a non-Swede, like me. It’s your Again, I AM NOT SWEDISH. But I irreparably, distorted perspective of duty. Because, while we may not have the think every man, woman, tree and fish Swedish tradition. power to stop films like this from being should be up in arms about this film. made...we do have the power to band What in God’s great earth was this lady First off, Midsommar is depicted as a together and stand strong against facism. Ari Aster thinking? Every frame of this bright and shiny, beautifully white and Yes, this is facism. And I don’t use that film is stuffed with gross inaccuracies flowery festival when it’s actually a rain word lightly. that frankly make me sick. I’m a man of drenched soak fest every year! And good health, I assure you, but I’ve had a that’s not me bagging on the wonderful So, I leave you with this: spread the word. raging fever ever since my screening got holiday. There’s nothing bad about #SwedesAgainstMidsommar - Let’s out. My wife tells me it’s from Vitamin rain. But what is bad is trying to say oh get it trending and show liberal Hollywood D deficiency, but I’ve been taking my pills! hey you’re gonna love your bright and that the hate they’re spewing won’t be And she’s just trying to stop me from suing sunshiny Midsommar festival foreign tolerated. Until next time though, stay safe the filmmakers (which I haven’t decided to tourists. Go wild and have a blast in the out there. It’s an unforgiving world we live NOT do, let the record show). sun! NO! WRONG! It rains...a lot. in.

56 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 57 The poor excuse team Thank

abby braccia keiva bradley you for claire briggs marc brockwell joey capestany reading erik Charbonneau henry cragg Cori deturk our poor evvy hofmeister ryan hopkins lina larson little grayson mckim olivia oreskovich sam pribyl haley schlicht excuse jacob staudenmaier luka stojcic for a magazine Summer's over.

Don't you have a syllabus to read?

60 Poor Excuse Magazine