THe shadiest magazne on the planet Poor Excuse Magazine 1 Poor Excuse “Guys, let’s make this summer Magazine the greatest summer of our lives!” -Jeffrey Epstein Issue number two Cover by Henry Cragg NEWS NEWS Sun To Seek Treatment For Ghost of John McCain Speaks Out, Hopes Major Depression Following Mass To Distance Himself from Meghan McCain's Proliferation Of High-SPF Products Incessant "My Father" Comments By Luka Stojcic By Claire Briggs and Seth Marumoto SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA UNITED STATES NAVAL ACADEMY CEMETERY ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND ources close to the Sun— the star at the At this point in the interview, the Sun became ppearing directly above his tombstone, Wheeler noted, however, that while Scenter of the Solar System— have been heated. “You think you’re saving yourself with Athe spirit of Senator John McCain spoke McCain’s visit was a surprise, it wasn’t incinerated and services will be held for them in those high-protection sunscreens? Let me tell out today in order to address a multitude of nearly as shocking as his comments about you: I see you put that shit on, I’ll come down the coming weeks. Poor Excuse, however, was comments made by daughter Meghan. In Meghan. Sources claim that McCain’s able to bypass the danger of being in such close on you like a goddamn plague. I will channel a surprising move, the late senator pushed ghost went on to defend 2020 presidential proximity with the most vital source of energy on all my rays into one continuous, uninterrupted back against his daughter’s constant use of Earth, and conduct an interview with the Sun over beam of pure fucking hate and fry to you a candidate, Senator Amy Klobuchar, whom Skype. The Sun, after much deliberation, has crisp.” The Sun attempted to calm itself down his name, stating, “While I greatly appreciate Meghan criticized on Twitter for using vowed to seek treatment for major depression, and took 3mg of Ativan, illegally obtained on my daughter Meghan’s attempts to keep my her father’s name on the campaign trail. following the mass proliferation of high-SPF the Light Web. memory alive, I would like to ask that my “While I’m at it, it was pretty hypocritical of products. name only be used in relation to political her to attack someone for bringing up my “I don’t want to kill you,” the Sun admitted. matters by people who really knew me.” name so much,” said McCain. “It’s a crock of shit,” the Sun said in our first “I know I’ve killed a lot of people by just phone call. “You don’t need SPF 100 sunscreen, existing, but, please, show me some common Onlookers report that the senator asked his Wheeler added that “It didn’t seem like alright? There is a negligible difference between decency.” The Sun reported feelings of self- audience to record his remarks and forward he liked his daughter all that much.” SPF 30 and SPF 100— the only thing you’re loathing, anxiety— along with instances of DID the footage to various broadcasting services, doing by opting for the SPF 100 is spending (Dissociative Identity Disorder). “I feel like the specifically Fox News. Sources allege he After a 30 minute war story, McCain finally Moon even though I’m the Sun,” the flaming- more money, and, more importantly, alienating also asked that The View, of which his finished his remarks and surprised the me— you know, the hot plasma you need to hot sphere lamented. daughter Meghan is a cast member, refrain crowd by announcing his Senate reelection survive?” A few days after our conversation, the Sun had from addressing the footage, or his general campaign, “McCain 2020: The Right The high-SPF products on the market today obtained an appointment with a renowned persona. Spirit for the Job.” have taken a toll on the Sun’s self-esteem. “It psychoanalyst, the preeminent therapist for a “I was just there to grieve my husband, I hurts,” said the star. whole generation of stars. “Jesse Eisenberg, certainly wasn’t expecting to see the ghost Update: In response to this article, Ms. McCain’s Mark Ruffalo, Kirsten Dunst. He’s seen them of Senator John McCain,” said witness publicist has said that she is, for the first time “Please don’t block me out entirely.” all. I’m hoping he can help me too.” Linda Wheeler, 75. ever, unavailable for comment. 4 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 5 Tico and Brandy The twin goldfish Tico and Brandy, easily the LIFESTYLE: PETS June 13 - July 1 2004 healthiest of any of the goldfish I had in my youth, died at the crisp, refreshing age of A History of fish violence almost a month, a personal record. Mom said I By Sam Pribyl could pick two this time because I was so upset with my little brother for slaughtering Garth, so have a confession to make. I have killed. Not I chose the two coolest ones I could find. They Ianyone you know, or would have ever heard were always hanging around each other, and of. In fact, not people at all. But every goldfish seemed to like the company. But on a fateful I ever had as a child ended its life with fateful July night, when the tank needed cleaning negligent homicide. In reconciliation for the sins of my past, I have decided to dedicate overnight, they spent the night in an outdoor this obituary to all of them, in sequential order. water basin on our back patio, where they were promptly eaten by a toad. We had had a big Bubbles frog infestation after a flood at the time, and Bubbles, the orange-tinted goldfish with some the remnants of their kind still lingered, waiting April 24 - May 1 2004 serious attitude, is dead at just over a week Mr. O’Grady to pounce at every opportunity to eat pets and old. Bubbles provided hours of entertainment crush young boys’ happiness. Tico and Brandy to his caretakers, though his skills were honestly July 11 2004 will be sorely missed. fairly minimal. When my parents brought him home, I expected I would be able to teach him This was actually my stupid kid brother’s fish tricks. This was not the case, as Bubbles mostly which he got for his birthday or whatever, but it spent his time swimming back and forth in the died on the car ride back home. Nice fucking fishtank. His hobbies included swimming and going, Keith. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? He that’s it. Honestly, what a disappointment. Just named it Mr. O’Grady because he thought it the same old shit every day. Some would say resembled one of our neighbors by the same he got what he deserved. Bubbles was found name. Ironically, the real Mr. O’Grady passed belly-up in the tank as a result of malnutrition, suddenly in his sleep not two days after the which led to both Bubbles’ death and a lecture demise of his fishy counterpart. about responsibility for me. Garth Kevin Kevin, who was not a goldfish, passed May 7 - May 9 2004 Garth, who was obviously way cooler than Unknown - July 27 2004 unexpectedly after another attempt to chow Bubbles ever was, has passed on at the ripe down on some more fish food, apparently by age of two days. Donning a sweet-ass white some kind of freak attack. On a warm July stripe down his side and with a can-do, no frills night, Kevin, who had previously been indicted attitude, Garth was the envy of many a goldfish in the murder of two twin goldfish, Tico and and the pride of many a man. A second chance Brandy, was found floating belly up in our patio for me after I convinced my parents to go back water basin, with my brother’s new fish Dofey to PetSmart for another fish, Garth represented swimming circles around it. Carved into Kevin’s everything I could have asked for in a fish. But slimy body read what, after careful inspection, then my dumb kid brother had to go and pour seemed to spell the phrase “4 TICO.” When an entire fucking can of fish food into the tank, questioned, Dofey (whose name derives and Garth ate it all and fucking died. At least from the fact that my brother can’t even spell he died with a full belly and a smile on his face. “Dopey” correctly) said nothing, and continued He will be sorely missed. swimming. 6 Poor Excuse Magazine Poor Excuse Magazine 7 Francine, a tabby cat who would frequent our Francine back porch often, was found dead just beneath Dofey August 14 1996 - our water basin, water dripping from her fur, July 20 2004 - Present August 14 2004 on her eighth birthday. Owned by the newly widowed Mrs. O’Grady from next door, Francine quickly became the bane of my mother, whose allergic reactions to the cat had led to much frustration between herself and the O’Gradys. Immediately suspected as the killer, my mother denied all links to Francine’s death, citing a credible alibi. No one understands exactly who drowned Francine to this day, although we did find traces of her fur clamped in the tiny jaws of the nonchalant Dofey. Francine is survived by a grieving and dementia-ridden Mrs. O’Grady, who recently moved to a home for the elderly. Charlie, a beautiful Red Ryukin, was found dead of apparent suicide May the 5th of 2005.