The Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood A Comparison of ‘Mommyblogs’ and Parenting Magazines
Diplomarbeit
zur Erlangung des akademischen Grades einer Magistra der Philosophie
an der Karl-Franzens-Universität Graz
vorgelegt von Mag. (FH) Angelika PRATL
am Institut für Amerikanistik Begutachter: Ao. Univ.-Prof. Mag. Dr.phil. Klaus Rieser
Graz, 2021 Eidesstattliche Erklärung
Ich erkläre eidesstattlich, dass ich die Arbeit selbständig angefertigt habe. Es wurden keine anderen als die angegebenen Hilfsmittel benutzt. Die aus fremden Quellen direkt oder indirekt übernommenen Formulierungen und Gedanken sind als solche kenntlich gemacht. Diese schriftliche Arbeit wurde keiner anderen Prüfungsstelle vorgelegt und auch nicht veröffentlicht.
______MAG. (FH) ANGELIKA PRATL Graz, 30. Mai 2021
Declaration of Authorship
I declare that I have authored this thesis independently. I have not used other than the declared sources. Sources were explicitly marked and cited either literally or by content. This thesis has not been previously handed in or published.
______MAG. (FH) ANGELIKA PRATL Graz, 30th May 2021
I Danksagung
Als vor vier Jahren mein Sohn geboren wurde, stellte sich meine ganze Welt auf den Kopf und nichts blieb, wie es war. Dies beeinflusste auch den Abschluss meines Studiums. Was ich mir als schnelles Fertigmachen vorgestellt hatte, entwickelte sich zu einer Herkulesaufgabe. Die Tatsache, dass ich diese Arbeit doch abschließen konnte, habe ich vor allem meiner Familie zu verdanken. An erster Stelle gilt deshalb mein Dank meinem Ehemann Martin und meinem Sohn Paul Ludwig. Paul nicht nur, weil er die Inspiration für dieses Thema war, sondern auch weil er nach zahllosen durchgearbeiteten Nächten, dann sein kleines Händchen in meine Hand legte, mir sein Näschen entgegenstreckte und damit doch alles wieder möglich machte.
Meinem Mann danke ich für seine nicht enden wollende Unterstützung, nicht nur emotional, sondern auch fachlich. Vielen Dank, dass du auch den sechsten Korrekturlesedurchgang noch mitgemacht hast, mir Schwarztee an den Schreibtisch gebracht hast und mit mir wach geblieben bist, weil du wusstest, dass auch ich dann besser arbeiten kann. Vielen Dank, dass du mir mit Paul nicht „geholfen“ hast, sondern deine Vaterrolle als solche voll und ganz angenommen hast und mich in unserem Elterndasein so sehr unterstützt und bestärkt hast.
Ein großes Dankeschön gilt auch meiner Mutter und Schwester, sowie meinen Schwiegereltern und allen Onkeln und Tanten von Paul, die immer wieder gerne als Kinderbetreuung eingesprungen sind und auch fachlich mit Rat und Tat zur Seite standen.
Vielen Dank auch meinem Betreuer Mag. Dr. Rieser, für sein Interesse an meinem Thema für die guten Inputs und vor allem auch für seine Geduld mit mir.
II Abstract
It is often assumed that motherhood comes naturally to every woman and that mothers fulfil a specific role in our society. However, motherhood is a sociocultural concept that has been changing over time.
In this thesis, different motherhood ideologies are analysed to understand the development of today’s concept of motherhood. Further, exhausting aspects of motherhood and demands on mothers, such as working in paid jobs while mothering, mental health, or the role of partners, are examined.
The main part of the thesis is an in-depth analysis of the representation of motherhood in print magazines and on mommyblogs with a focus on exhaustion and excessive demands on mothers. For this, all articles in the parenting magazine Parents and all blog entries on the mommyblog Scary Mommy of the year 2018 are examined. Further, the images and advertisements used in Parents and on Scary Mommy are studied, since they, too, shape the expectations of mothers and can put them under more pressure.
The results of the thesis indicate that there is a great difference in the representation of exhausting aspects of motherhood in print magazines and online blogs. While parenting magazines seem to focus on positive sides and rarely address excessive demands and overwhelming expectations, mommyblogs cover these issues much more frequently. In Parents, only 12.10 % of all articles mention exhaustion and excessive demands, while only 0.30 % focus on these issues in detail. Although the percentage of texts mentioning these aspects on Scary Mommy is similar with 11.70 %, 12.90 % of all blog entries focus on them, which is a significant difference compared to the magazine.
These findings are similar regarding the depiction of motherhood in images and advertisements. In Parents, only 5.7 % of the images show negative emotions as compared to 19.48 % on Scary Mommy. This, too, underlines the assumption that different motherhood ideologies are represented in print magazines and on mommyblogs.
III Table of Content
1. Introduction ...... 1 2. Motherhood and Ideology ...... 2 2.1. Historical Development of Motherhood Ideologies...... 3 2.2. ‘Intensive Mothering’, ‘The New Momism’ and ‘Combative Mothering’ ...... 7 3. Excessive Demands of Motherhood ...... 10 3.1. The Conflict of Employment and Children ...... 10 3.2. The Romanticization of Motherhood ...... 11 3.3. Additional workload after childbirth ...... 13 3.4. Effects of Excessive Demands and Parenting Stress on Women’s Mental Health .. 23 3.5. Support and Coping Strategies ...... 24 4. The Representation of Motherhood in Magazines ...... 25 4.1. Historical Overview of the Representation of Motherhood in Magazines ...... 26 4.2. Representation of Motherhood in Magazines Nowadays ...... 30 5. The Representation of Motherhood in Blogs ...... 32 5.1. Writing Style and Linguistic Features of Blogs ...... 34 5.2. The Phenomenon of Mommy Blogging ...... 35 6. Methodology ...... 38 7. Comparison of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Parents and Scary Mommy ...... 41 7.1. Quantitative Analysis of the Articles Addressing Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Parents and Scary Mommy ...... 42 7.2. Qualitative analysis of the articles addressing exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood in Parents and Scary Mommy ...... 46 Mission Statements...... 46 Cover ...... 47 Additional demands and workload ...... 49 Solidarity and Support ...... 59 Mother Instinct and Expert Opinions ...... 65 Anger, Fear, and Guilt ...... 66 Working Mothers ...... 69 #momgoals and #peakmom – Expectations of Motherhood ...... 72 Humorous Expressions ...... 78 Celebrity Profiles and Celebrity Opinions ...... 80
IV Gender Equality and Workload ...... 89 Consumerism ...... 92 Physical Effects, Appearance and Self-Care ...... 94 Home Organization, Recipes and Crafting ...... 96 Confessions ...... 98 7.3. Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Images Used in Parents and Scary Mommy ...... 101 7.4. Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Advertisements in Parents and Scary Mommy ...... 111 8. Conclusion ...... 114 9. Works Cited ...... 117
V Table of Figures
Figure 1: Meme about Motherhood (Crump) ...... IX Figure 2: Comparison of traffic of mommy blogs (Alexa Internet Inc.) ...... 40 Figure 3: Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Articles in Parents Magazine and Scary Mommy ...... 43 Figure 4: Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Articles in Parents Magazine and Scary Mommy (excluding News, Social Issues and Women's Issues) ...... 45 Figure 5: Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in the Category "Motherhood" on Scary Mommy ...... 45 Figure 6: Cover of April Issue (“Cover”) ...... 48 Figure 7: Cover of May Issue(“Cover”) ...... 48 Figure 8: Homepage of Scary Mommy in June 2019 (Scary Mommy, “Homepage June 2019”) ...... 49 Figure 9: Homepage of Scary Mommy in September 2019 (Scary Mommy, “Homepage September 2019”) ...... 49 Figure 10: Title photo of the article "One Sick Mama" (Janes 76) ...... 51 Figure 11: Image of dirty laundry and dirty diaper bags (Westervelt) ...... 54 Figure 12: Image accompanying an article about safety. (Garisto Pfaff) ...... 67 Figure 13: Image accompanying an article dealing with a 'mental breakdown' of a mother (Stone, Mom Shares 'Mental Breakdown' During Son's Tantrum And We Can All Relate) ... 76 Figure 14: Image of Danielle Silverstein (Scagell, This Viral Post Is A Tribute To All The 'Hot Mess' Moms) ...... 77 Figure 15: Halloween costume of an exhausted mom (Aswell, This Girl Dressed As An Exhausted Mom For Halloween And We Feel So Seen) ...... 80 Figure 16: Cover image of article "Momming While Busy"(Bried 78–79) ...... 82 Figure 17: Image of Chrissy Teigen holding her new-born baby while wearing mesh underwear (Williams, Chrissy Teigen Has Blessed Us With The Best Hospital Mesh Panty Photo) ...... 86 Figure 18: Image of Eubanks accompanying an article about stopping to breastfeed (Williams, This Post About Being 'Done' Breatstfeeding Is So Relatable It Hurts) ...... 86 Figure 19: Image accompanying a social media post of Cameran Eubanks one week after she gave birth (Williams, This Post About Being 'Done' Breatstfeeding Is So Relatable It Hurts) 87 Figure 20: Valentine's Day crafting (Stoney 74)...... 97 Figure 21: Easy, but 'instagrammable' treats (Howard 46) ...... 97
VI Figure 22: Confession #25750254 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)...... 99 Figure 23: Confession #25750228 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)...... 99 Figure 24: Confession #25750230 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)...... 99 Figure 25: Confession #25750253 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)...... 99 Figure 26: Confession #25750217 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)...... 99 Figure 27: Confessional #25750213 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) ...... 99 Figure 28: Confession #25750210 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) ...... 99 Figure 29: Confession #25750292 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)...... 99 Figure 30: Confession #25750282 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)...... 99 Figure 31: Confession #25750265 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) ...... 99 Figure 32: Representation of women and men in the images used in Parents and Scary Mommy in percent ...... 103 Figure 33: Representation of Emotions in Images in Parents and Scary Mommy (in percent) ...... 104 Figure 34: Image accompanying an article in Parents about not getting involved in siblings quarreling (Glembocki, “Stop Being The Mom In The Middle” 25) ...... 105 Figure 35: Image accompanying a blog post on Scary Mommy about not getting involved in siblings quarreling (Vered) ...... 105 Figure 36: Image accompanying the article "Refuse to Lose It" 74 (Glembocki, “Refuse to Lose It” 74) ...... 106 Figure 37: Image accompanying an article about trying not to yell at children anymore on Scary Mommy (Cottrell) ...... 106 Figure 38: Title photo of the article "One Sick Mama" (Janes 76) ...... 106 Figure 39: Cover image of the blog post "Your Body Is Telling You To Stay Home When You're Sick, So Listen To It" (M. L. Fenton, “Your Body Is Telling You To Stay Home When You're Sick, So Listen To It”) ...... 106 Figure 40: Image of a distressed mother in a Johnson's advertisement (“Johnson's Advertisement”) ...... 107 Figure 41: Image accompanying the article "Your Most Pressing Laundry Questions - Answered!" (Corona 134) ...... 107 Figure 42: Image accompanying the article "Why I F*cking Hate Bedtime"(K. Johnson, “Why I F*cking Hate Bedtime”) ...... 108 Figure 43: Postpartum picture accompanying a social media post (Stone, “Mom Shares Honest Postpartum Pic: 'This Is Real, This Is Childbirth'”) ...... 108
VII Figure 44: Picture in social media post 3 weeks postpartum (Stone, “Mom Shares Honest Postpartum Pic: 'This Is Real, This Is Childbirth'”) ...... 108 Figure 45: Image accompanying the article "A Sane Guide to Breast-Pump Cleaning" (“A Sane Guide to Breast-Pump Cleaning”) ...... 109 Figure 46: Title image of the article "Anxiety on Board" (King Lindley 66) ...... 110 Figure 47: Title image of the article "I Love Them Like My Own" (Bzeek and Chin) ...... 110 Figure 48: Advertisement for batteries (“Rayovac Advertisement”) ...... 113 Figure 49: Advertisement for cleaning supplies (“Bona Advertisement”) ...... 113 Figure 50: Advertisement for cleaning supplies (“Pledge Advertisement”) ...... 113 Figure 51: Advertisement for a kitchen (“IKEA Advertisement”) ...... 113 Figure 52: Advertisement for dish soap (“Advertisement "Mrs. Meyers Dish Soap"”) ...... 113 Figure 53: Advertisement for rash cream (“Aquaphor Advertisement”) ...... 113
List of Tables
Table 1: Average daily working hours for men and women, total (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 17) ...... 17 Table 2: Average daily working hours for men and women, employed (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 18) ...... 17 Table 3: Average daily working hours for men and women, unemployed (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 19) ...... 18 Table 4: Hours spent in primary activities while providing childcare as a secondary activity; average over the years 2014 to 2018 (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 21) ...... 21 Table 5: Proportion of pictures depicting men and women in Parents and Scary Mommy ... 102
VIII
Figure 1: Meme about Motherhood (Crump)
IX 1. Introduction
In the foreword to her book, Madonna and Child, Melissa Benn writes the passage: A cough wakes me up. My head lifts itself a fraction off the pillow to listen for its continuation or its end. A cry has me standing by the side of the cot before I even realize I am awake, shifting, settling, offering solace. Tense on the balls of my feet. Happy. Exhausted. (Benn 4)
This quotation, as well as the meme before it, touches upon an issue that is well-known to a large part of society, but still underrepresented and underdiscussed in everyday life: The exhaustion and the excessive demands that are experienced in motherhood.
When I was pregnant myself three years ago, I was delighted and full of wonderful expectations. Most of these expectations included picturing myself circling around in pastel colored clothing sitting with an adorable baby, smiling up to me. Once my son was born, these images were immediately exchanged for images of unwashed hair, clothes full with all kinds of stains, enormous dark shadows under my eyes, a constant feeling of being exhausted, and pain that I had never felt before. I was shocked and asked myself how I could have been so thoroughly unprepared for the task before me and why, oh why, nobody had warned me or shown me real images of motherhood. When I asked mothers I know about it I received one of two answers. The first was that they did not want to scare me. The second was that children were a gift and one was not supposed to complain about the task of motherhood, as this would be seen as ungrateful. A few of them concluded that they did indeed tell me, but that I, a self-involved career woman, simply did not believe them. They were right. I thought since I was used to working full-time in a demanding job, while simultaneously studying for a master’s degree, that I would have a wonderful time in motherhood, especially in maternity leave. In my head being able to stay home all day with a baby, sounded like a lovely and rewarding prospect. This was due to having all of these wonderful images of motherhood, mostly represented in popular culture and in magazines, as well as believing the basic ideology of motherhood represented in our society.
My very own experience could not have been more different than these images of motherhood represented in society. This life-changing experience has led me to concern myself scientifically with this issue. Is our collective image of motherhood indeed mostly romanticized and if so, how and where does it originate? Who puts these images in our heads and how do they influence our expectations? While researching these questions, I stumbled upon different ‘mommyblogs’.
1 Suddenly, I found different images than before. I found blog posts that mirrored my personal feelings and women sharing their worries and their exhaustion openly and honestly. I started to wonder if this was just a coincidence or if the representation of motherhood indeed varied so greatly depending on the chosen medium.
Therefore, the question arose if the representation of exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood is in fact different in magazines and in so-called ‘mommyblogs’ and if so, what the differences are. The hypothesis concludes that there is a wide discrepancy between how the aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands of motherhood are represented in mommyblogs, compared to parenting magazines. While parenting magazines adopt a representation of motherhood that omits aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands, mommyblogs address these issues openly and frequently, often even putting a focus on them.
In the first part of this thesis, theoretical aspects of the representation of motherhood and motherhood ideologies, as well as the media types ‘magazines’ and ‘blogs’ are studied. This allows for an in-depth analysis of the representation of motherhood within one year in parenting magazines and on mommyblogs in the second part of this thesis.
2. Motherhood and Ideology
It is vital to first consider motherhood ideologies, since most representations of motherhood take elements from ideologies. In this chapter, an overview of motherhood ideologies and their most important elements over time is given.
Ideologies are defined as sets of ideas, beliefs, opinions and values that are social products aimed at the public arena to create meaning. (Johnston and Swanson, “Constructing the “Good Mother”: The Experience of Mothering Ideologies by Work Status” 509; Freeden 32; Glenn 9) They “shape and are shaped by historical and social conditions, […] are powerful in their influence on people and societies [and] […] serve to legitimize and delegitimize particular social and political behaviors.” (Johnston and Swanson, “Constructing the “Good Mother”: The Experience of Mothering Ideologies by Work Status” 510) It is important to note that ideologies of motherhood are not biologically given, but rather socially, culturally and historically constructed. Society creates dominating motherhood ideologies and then rewards mothers who live accordingly, while sanctioning mothers who do not. (Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible
2 Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 21–22; Glenn 3; Hays x, 4,19; Ruddick 34)
The traditional ideology of family includes a married couple, husband and wife, and children. The husband is responsible for working outside of the home and earning money (‘breadwinner’), while the wife is responsible for childcare and housework (‘housewife’ or ‘homemaker’). (Parsons and Bales 14–15; Giddens and Birdsall 174–75) Any other forms of partnerships (e.g. couples in which both partners work outside the home, homosexual couples, single-parent households etc.) are excluded or sanctioned. (Murdock 1; Giddens and Birdsall 176) Nowadays, a broader definition is considered to be more accurate, one example being that family is a “small group of closely related people who share a distinct sense of identity and a responsibility for each other that outweighs their commitments to others.” (Fulcher and Scott 447)
2.1. Historical Development of Motherhood Ideologies
Ideologies of motherhood and family life are cultural constructs that have varied drastically over the course of history. Some of these varying ideologies will be discussed in the following chapter.
The western idealized ideology of motherhood has strongly been influenced by religious ideas and ideals, with the virgin mother Mary at its core. (Carr 273; Kitzinger 201) Around the twelfth century, the Virgin Mary started to become the aspiring mother figure, a symbol of grace, charity, self-sacrifice, purity and loving suffering, it is seen as today. (Gillis 24, 28, 156-157, 160; Carr 273)
In the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, a child rearing ideology developed in middle class families that understood childhood as a special and important period of life, focusing on the ‘innocence’ of children. Jean-Jacques Rosseau suggested, the rearing of the children should be adapted to the natural development of children, and children should be loved and cherished. However, in Puritan New England, they believed childhood was a special time, but that children needed to be ‘redeemed’ through strict religious beliefs, physical punishment and an early participation in the work force. Mothers were not believed to be the ‘natural’ choice for child
3 rearing. Instead, the strong hand and will of the father was supposed to be needed to raise the children. (Hays 25–27)
Before the industrial revolution, the spheres of home and work were not separated, because production mostly took place in or around the home (e.g. farms or craftspeople) and everybody participated in it. (Giddens and Birdsall 390; Hoffnung 1; Bassin et al. 5) In these times the term ‘family’ did not only include the ‘nuclear family’ (mother, father and children), but also extended to resident family members, servants, in-house boarders and even guests. (Gillis 13)
With the movement of the enlightenment and the industrial revolution, a separation of ‘home’ and ‘work’ happened. Pre-modern wives changed from being producers to being the new consumers in middle-class homes. They became the first mothers of modern time. Child-rearing required all the mother’s time and attention, with the main goal to raise them as productive members of society. (Kaplan 17, 141; Delphy 40–41; Fulcher and Scott 455–56; Giddens and Birdsall 390; Hoffnung 2; Glenn 7; Hays 33) The mother was the guardian of the home and everything private, with a gentle, emotional and caring essence. (Malich 156; Lockwood Carden 9–10, 14; Fulcher and Scott 458; Giddens and Birdsall 390) Women’s place, by nature, was considered to be with the family as homemakers and mothers. (Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 35, 38, 39; Delphy 23; Oakley, Women confined 95) Furthermore, as motherhood was supposed to come ‘natural’ to women, it was not considered work as it was done out of ‘love for the family’. (Neyer and Bernardi 165) While this separation of spheres meant that women from the higher classes could employ servants and concentrate on ‘managing the household’, women in poor families had to take charge of the household, as well as work in paid jobs to supplement the income of their spouses. (Giddens and Birdsall 390; Gillis 176) Mothers in lower classes, therefore, often worked together and supported each other in household and childcare tasks. The ideology of the ‘innocent child’ could not be upheld in these social classes, and often childcare tasks were taken over by older siblings. Furthermore, children needed to start working to add to the family income as soon as possible. (Hays 35–36)
In the late eighteenth and the nineteenth centuries, the first aspects of the ideology of ‘intensive mothering’ developed and child rearing became synonymous with mothering. Knowledge and skills, love and religious devotion, as well as a constant vigilance to keep the children safe were considered to be a woman’s most important traits. (Hays 29–30, 32-33) Mostly religious authorities ‘educated’ women on their role as mothers. They kept alive the image of mothers as
4 self-sacrificing ‘angels’, who fulfilled their duties to make a comfortable life for their husbands and children. (Kaplan 20–21, 23-24; Kitzinger 221; Gillis 154)
The ‘maternal myth’, therefore, is centered around the belief that every woman’s vocation is to become a mother, bringing her eternal bliss. Any unhappiness with this role was, and often still is, considered to be a failure of the woman. (Malich 156; Carr 273; Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 22; Lockwood Carden 14; Kitzinger 10-11, 201; Douglas and Michaels 62; T. Miller 318–19; Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 204; Samuel xiii)
At the beginning of the twentieth century, Charlotte Perkins Gilman stated that through suppression, women had been hindered from participating in the economy as they had been denied education and experience, constricting them to their homes. She emphasized the work women did, though, by comparing them to cooks, housemaids, nurses etc. (Perkins Stetson 15) Therefore, she questioned whether it was the duty of all mothers to spend their entire adult life doing their ‘maternal duties’, and devoting much of their energy and time to their children and husband, leaving little time for their own individual interests. (Perkins Stetson 7–20)
At the end of the nineteenth century and the beginning of the twentieth century, the instincts of mothers were not considered to be enough, and ‘experts’ started to readily give ‘scientific knowledge’ to mothers. Strict schedules and routines became important, while being ‘overly affectionate’ was frowned upon. (Hays 39) Mothers were supposed to distance themselves physically from their children and refrain from playing with them, calming them, and even hugging and kissing them. (Hays 40)
However, in the 1930s and 1940s, motherly affection and allowing children their own schedule without forcing their development regained popularity. (Hays 45) Children took over the focus in family life, as home life started to revolve around them. During this time, more magazines started to become advocates for ‘intensive mothering’, as women started to increasingly consult books and magazines for ‘expert advice’ on child rearing. (Hays 45, 47; Lalancette and Germain)
The image of a happily devoted wife and mother was essential to the ‘American Way of Life’ in the 1950s. Not to be happy with this ‘naturally assigned’ role was considered un-American.
5 (Carr 273; Friedan 41–44, 61) Nevertheless, soon the wish to emancipate oneself as a woman and also separate oneself from motherhood emerged. (Malich 157; Walby, Theorizing patriarchy 64)
The 1960s and 1970s were the time of the advent of feminism, in its radical form seeing motherhood as a ‘trap’ created by patriarchy. (Carr 274; Fulcher and Scott 451; Giddens and Birdsall 175–76; Delphy 20) Motherhood was understood as tyranny that made it impossible for women to lead a fulfilled life, which revealed a hidden feeling of exploitation. It seemed there was no other way to live a life as a woman. Women felt that all the work connected with motherhood had to be done solely by them. Caring for children and running a household was not seen as actual “work”, and the very real workload and stress of it was not acknowledged. The role of women changed greatly and more and more women acquired a higher education and subsequently entered the work force. (Lockwood Carden 15)
Most of the feminists at that time were not women who despised men or having a family. Instead, a great number of them were married and having children themselves. This was what sparked their interest in the topic. In 1974, Betty Friedan, one of the first American feminists, stated that she had thought “something was wrong with [her] because [she] didn’t have an orgasm waxing the kitchen floor” (Friedan 5). She highlights the feeling that being the mother of someone or being the wife of someone was often not enough, leaving women to feel unfulfilled. (Friedan 5, 15) Adrienne Rich stated that children themselves should not be seen as a negative aspect, as motherhood also brings great joy and wonderful experiences. She stretched that motherhood was not the problem, but that motherhood as an institution under patriarchy was. (Walby, Theorizing patriarchy 67–68)
While some women took up (mostly part-time) jobs and worked in a paid job until they had children, being a homemaker still remained the most important role in a woman’s life. (Malich 158; Walby, Theorizing patriarchy 8–9; Lockwood Carden 13; Giddens and Birdsall 390; Neyer and Bernardi 167; Bianchi et al. Changing Rhythms 45) Mothers were considered to be all-caring and all-giving, and the well-being of the child was the most important aspect of life for a woman, as children were considered to give women their meaning in life. (Thompson and Walker 860) Nevertheless, during this time a whole new market, the upscale, affluent mothers that were willing to invest monetarily in their children, was developed. Magazines, movies and TV-shows adapted to this demographic group, and the advertisements used messages
6 accordingly, showing that a good mother is a mother who spends money for the good of her children. (Douglas and Michaels 11; Luke 295)
In the late 1970s and early 1980s, radical feminist views were replaced by more moderate ones, including collective living and shared parenting. The conscious decision to be a mother became ‘modern’. Women started to have children later in their lives and without relinquishing their career. (Carr 275; Neyer and Bernardi 167) Since the 1990s, the term ‘motherhood’ started to be replaced with the term ‘mothering’ to emphasize the active nature of maternity, in contrast to the traditional western concept of passive and powerless mothers. (Jeremiah 21) The ‘unquestionable truth’, that women’s main and naturally given purpose is to reproduce and care for her spouse and her children, was challenged. Combining work and children and seeing mothering as a way of finding personal self-fulfillment, started to be viable options. The status and impact of mothers in and on their families were dealt with, leading to a plethora of different concepts and ideologies in the 1990s. (Kaplan 26)
2.2. ‘Intensive Mothering’, ‘The New Momism’ and ‘Combative Mothering’
In 1996, Sharon Hays coined the term ‘intensive mothering’. According to her, ‘intensive mothering’ was the dominant child rearing method in the USA and has been used widely since then. ‘Intensive mothering’ is a “gendered model that advises mothers to expend a tremendous amount of time, energy, and money in raising their children.” (Hays x, 9)
The myth of ‘all-round-mothers’ plays a vital part in intensifying ‘motherly perfection’, creating the idea of a superwoman, a Top Mum. (Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 21; Malich 159; Prikhidko and Swank 280) The wish of ‘having it all’ from the women of the 1970s transferred into the pressure to ‘do it all’. The call for ‘having it all’ has in some ways become a way of self-destruction, especially considering not all women have high paying jobs, but often struggle from pay-check to pay-check. (Carr 277–78; Malich 159; Prikhidko and Swank 280)
In 2012, a study analyzed the effects ‘intensive mothering’ can have on mothers. Findings included that ‘intensive mothering’ is connected to higher stress levels, as well as a lower life satisfaction. This is because women tend to focus more on caring for the child than on caring for themselves. Believing that a mother is ultimately always the best person to care for a child
7 has been found to prevent women from seeking support and outside help. (‘maternal gatekeeping’). (Rizzo et al. 618)
Media images since the early 2000s represent a highly idealized image of women who aim for unreachable perfection. Magazines especially portray motherhood as being “eternally fulfilling and rewarding, that it is always the best and most important thing you do.” (Douglas and Michaels 2–3) Douglas and Michaels refer to this image as “the most tyrannical of our cultural icons, Perfect Mum”, calling this phenomenon ‘the new momism’. (Douglas and Michaels 3)
‘The new momism’ consists of a constant call to be vigilant for any dangers or inadequacies that a child might experience, with advice of experts and consumer products being available at every corner that can help attractive, calm and put together mothers who are always fun and in control. These mothers think all the time about what is best for their children, always coming second themselves, just like the numerous celebrity mom portraits they read about. (Douglas and Michaels 300) Organic food, lotions, and clothes are of the utmost importance, while on the other hand, mothers should disinfect every surface their children might touch, in fear of germs. They are supposed to trust their instincts but are geared towards countless electronic products that are supposed to help with mothering, e.g., nanny cams or cradles that monitor the babies sleep and automatically start playing lullabies or rocking the baby to calm it. All these gadgets are placed in color coordinated nurseries with themes and the newest craft projects of mothers. Furthermore, mothers are supposed to constantly think about the development and the education of their children using every possibility, from traditional books to apps and electronic toys, to make sure that they have the best start in their life. (Douglas and Michaels 304–05; Luke 290; Lupton et al. 737)
Nevertheless, the constantly growing number of websites that specifically cater to the needs of mothers of the ‘new momism’ also offers a variety of advantages. Mothers have access to a sheer unlimited amount of information and advice and can easily connect with each other, exchanging experiences with people in the same situation and receiving affirmation that the development of their child is indeed not alarming. Furthermore, websites can be used to vent one’s frustration with a spouse or other relatives, media representations, every-day difficulties etc., and mothers find support and sympathy. Unfortunately, these discussions can quickly turn into passionate speeches geared towards ‘the new momism’. Websites address a variety of niches, often differing between homemakers and working mothers. (Douglas and Michaels 313;
8 Lupton et al. 730–31; Madge and O'Connor 201) Many websites promote ‘new momism’ with the romanticized image of mothers and children in pastel colors, an advice section hosted by an expert, a section of prayer advice for mothers, and of course shops that sell all the gadgets a mother could need. (Douglas and Michaels 320; Lupton et al. 730–31)
Nowadays, a new ideology has emerged named ‘combative mothering’. This ideology includes the constructed conflict between stay-at-home mothers and employed mothers (‘mommy wars’), as well as a myriad of different mothering philosophies and practices that are often verbalized in a condescending or hurtful way, referred to as ‘mother shaming’. (Abetz and Moore 265, 270-271) When comparing mothers who work in paid positions and housewives, it can be seen that both of them are equally committed to their children and their role as mothers. (Volling and Belsky 9) In a study in 2017, 61 percent of mothers of children from 0 to 5 years old stated that they had been criticized about their parenting choices and 42 percent of them stated that this had made them unsure about their parenting choices. Overall, 56 percent mentioned that mothers get too much blame and too little credit for the behavior of their children. (“Mom shaming or constructive criticism?” 1; Abetz and Moore 266) It is important to note, though, that combative mothering is not always intended to be negative, but also used to find validation for one’s own parenting choices in the constant strive to be the ‘best mother’. The seemingly unlimited amount of information online about the ‘right’, but ever-changing, way of parenting, and the constant comparison with other mothers, often fueled by idealized and romanticized posts on social media, further enhance conflicts between mothers. The internet and social networks offer platforms on which judgment can easily be distributed and amplified, while still keeping a notion of anonymity. (Abetz and Moore 271–74; Lupton et al. 738)
Due to the enormous amount of information that is available nowadays, the pressure, doubt and guilt put on mothers has increased drastically. Society and the media correlates non-normative or unsocial behavior of children with their mothers, making it possible to blame mothers for almost any problem that children have later in their life. (Kitzinger 10–11)
9 3. Excessive Demands of Motherhood
When looking at the representation of exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood, it is important to define what is considered to be work. Gershuny, a well-known researcher in the field of time-use research, defined work as: anything that you might ask a third party to do on your behalf without losing the direct utility that derives from it. You could pay someone to cook food for your household, or you could cook it yourself; cooking is thus considered to be ‘work’ irrespective of whether you actually pay for it. Similarly, going to the theatre is not work because you would derive no benefit if you paid someone to do it for you. (Gershuny, Gender Symmetry, Gender Convergence and Historical Work-time Invariance in 24 countries. 4)
This definition is of special importance, considering the traditional sociological approach of family saw housework as a part of the natural role of women, but not as work per se. Nowadays, the more often used term ‘homemaker’ instead of ‘housewife’, while being more gender neutral and supposedly giving the job more prestige, can also be seen as a stark misrepresentation, as it does not address the household activities as actual ‘work’. (Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 12–15, 39-40)
3.1. The Conflict of Employment and Children
After giving birth, women nowadays have the options of either staying at home with the child full-time, going back to a paid position full-time or taking up part-time employment. There are multiple grounds on which this decision is made. Economic necessity is the major reason why women decide to work in paid jobs again, especially when women return to their jobs within the first weeks after the birth of a child. As there are few paid leave schemes available in the USA, the second income is vital for many families. Nevertheless, another reason in families with a higher mean income or families in which the mother has received higher education is the personal wish of a woman to participate in the work force and have a career for herself. It needs to be considered, though, that if a woman decides not to stay home full-time, some form of child care has to be organized. (Volling and Belsky 9–10; Kitzinger 205, 229; Douglas and Michaels 12; Giddens and Birdsall 397; Pistrang 433, 445) In the stressful days and weeks after giving birth, many women, therefore, also have to worry about child care, finding time and places to pump their breast milk, as well as dealing with the overall emotionally and physically demanding situation of having a new-born baby. (Shepherd-Banigan and Bell 292)
10 The Health Resources and Services of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, stated in their report about women’s health in the USA in 2011 that, while due to the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) women are offered 12 weeks of unpaid leave around the birth or adoption of a child (only valid for employees working for employers with more than 50 employees and who fulfil certain requirements), many do not take any leave. (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 54) It was found that, when looking at the time period of 2006 – 2008, almost 30 percent of women did not report taking any maternity leave. For those women who did take maternity leave, the average length was 10.3 weeks. One third of the mothers who did take maternity leave did not receive any portion of it paid, while only 24.9 percent of women reported a longer duration of more than 2 months with paid maternity leave. (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 54)
Nevertheless, studies have shown that working in paid jobs can also reduce the emotional stress of women. It was found that women not only disliked their tasks as full-time homemakers, but the circumstances connected with them and the additional demands of family life played a negative role in their emotional well-being; children, finances and household duties being the main stressors. Therefore, working in a paid job can help reduce these stressors. (Kessler and Mc Rae, Jr. 225; Romito 623; Rout et al. 273; Marshall and Tracy 387) Mothers working full- time jobs want to make the most of their time with their children, and in fact they spend almost the same amount of time with their children as unemployed mothers, putting them under great time pressure. They achieve this mostly by cutting back on sleep, leisure activities and personal care. (Craig, “How Employed Mothers in Australia Find Time for Both Market Work and Childcare” 69, 84; Bianchi 412)
3.2. The Romanticization of Motherhood
The impact of the arrival of a child can be a substantial one, sometimes even referred to as an ‘extensive’ or ‘severe’ crisis. (LeMasters 353) As a reason for this ‘crisis’, it was suggested that couples had widely romanticized parenthood and felt unprepared for it. (LeMasters 353) One mother stated, “we knew where babies came from, but we didn’t know what they were like.” (LeMasters 353) Mothers reported loss of sleep (especially during the early months); chronic ‘tiredness’ or exhaustion; extensive confinement to the home and the resulting curtailment of their social contacts; giving up the satisfactions and the income of outside employment; additional washing and ironing; guilt at not being a ‘better’ mother; the long hours and seven day (and night) week necessary in caring for an infant; decline in
11 housekeeping standards; worry over their appearance (increased weight after pregnancy, et cetera). (LeMasters 353–54)
Motherhood, especially becoming a mother for the first time, is a completely new experience for women. Some of these women got the feeling as if they had ‘entered a club’ that they did not know existed. (Brunton et al. 24) Many women make a clear distinction between their lives before they had children and after they had children. They imply that because of having children, they themselves and their lives have changed dramatically. (Powell 45)
The feeling of being unprepared is conveyed in many discourses about motherhood and parenthood, suggesting that motherhood is highly romanticized in popular representation. Mostly, it is expressed with the notion that parents felt quite prepared for the birth itself, but the actual caretaking of the children after they had left the hospital was a shock to them. The work and the physical energy needed to fulfil the demands of infants and children, together with the sleep deprivation and inexplicable crying of infants, as well as the loss of control, is often highly underestimated. (Kitzinger 26, 200, 203; T. Miller 317–18; Deave et al.; Morrison; Maushart 14–15; Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 201; Oakley, Women confined 96-98, 126, 180; Darby Saxbe et al. 1190)
Due to women delaying childbirth, many of them have already established an identity, connected to their career, their relationships and lifestyle choices. This can lead to them having greater difficulties to adapt to the new and very different role of a mother. (Morrison; LeMasters 354–55; Stanton 118)
The impact of high expectations and romanticized motherhood can be seen when comparing planned and unplanned pregnancies, as it was found that couples who did not plan on having a child reported having an easier transition to parenthood than couples who wished to have children. (Bouchard et al. 1526) Mothers reported that the picture they had had of motherhood was widely different from their actual experience, which was more uncomfortable and less pleasant than they had anticipated. (Oakley, Women confined 281)
Having children includes a sense of ambiguity. The “ambivalence and emotions such as resentment, rage, a sense of being trapped, depression, and feelings of self-doubt and failure [are] ignored.” (Kitzinger 227) Adrienne Rich wrote in her diary: “My children cause me the most exquisite suffering of which I have any experience. It is the suffering of ambivalence: the
12 murderous alternation between bitter resentment and raw-edged nerves, and blissful gratification and tenderness.” (Rich 21)
3.3. Additional workload after childbirth
Frequently, mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, are asked what they are doing all day long. This shows that housework and childcare tasks are often underestimated and not considered to be work. This assumption can lead to growing resentment between spouses, other family members, friends or co-workers who often assume that a mother is ‘just playing’ with a child all day long and sleeps while the child is sleeping and feel that they have to work much harder in a paid job. (Stanton 119; Douglas and Michaels 39; Hays 13; Hoffnung 1; Oberman and Josselson 356–57)
Regardless of the decision if a mother works as a homemaker or goes back to work, the workload after having a child increases tremendously. Additional tasks include physical care (bathing, feeding, cleaning the child etc.) and supervising, playing, chauffeuring, educating (reading to the child etc.), organizing and attending activities and health care. (G. Ramey and V. Ramey 141; Sayer 21; Benn 106, 110) Furthermore, children can be a source of frustration during daily household activities, as they often interrupt parents or require tasks to be redone e.g. tidying up. (Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 193) The arrival of a child also brings a factor of unpredictability into daily schedules and parents often need to adjust their own flexibility as a coping strategy. (Benn 106, 110; Thompson and Walker 861; B. C. Miller and Sollie 462)
Additionally, the temperament of the infant plays a role in the demands put on mothers. Mothers with children that suffer from colic, for example, were found to be temporarily less confident and less accepting of the baby. (Oakley, Women confined 66) Even more so, a connection between a child’s difficult temperament (e.g. excessive crying) and depressive symptoms in mothers was found. (Yim et al. 116)
Women can often feel overwhelmed by their multiple role demands, including working in a paid job, housework and childcare, leaving little to no time left for themselves. Mothers experience feelings of guilt, helplessness and anger when they care for their fussing babies, frustration with their spouses and concern about the sexual relations with their partners.
13 (Ventura 27–28; Friedan 28; Gove and Geerken 74–75; Romito 623; Johnston and Swanson, “Constructing the “Good Mother”: The Experience of Mothering Ideologies by Work Status” 518; Prikhidko and Swank 281) Women with only one child seem to be particularly unhappy. One reason might be the attention that small children need and the experience of first-time motherhood. Mothers often feel that the housework they need to do takes away from time they would rather spend with their child. (Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 197)
If women become homemakers, they tend to feel isolated in their role as mothers and housewives. (Friedan 28; Oakley, Women confined 56) Household tasks are often considered to be of little importance by society, while they are highly repetitive (65 percent of the tasks must be done again on the following day or even sooner). This often means ending the day without the feeling of any great accomplishments, but being completely exhausted. (Friedan 17, 21, 28, 29, 30; White Berheide 41; Romito 623) Household tasks are mostly worrisome, tiresome, menial, unrelenting, repetitive, isolating, unfinished, inescapable and often unappreciated. They include tasks such as cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, tidying up and cleaning and child care. (Thompson and Walker 854–56; Newberry et al. 289; Davis and Greenstein 64; Walby, Gender transformations 151; Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 98; Gershuny et al. 3–4; Giddens and Birdsall 397) This is not only the perception of women. Also fathers who take over household and child care tasks express negative feelings considering boredom, fatigue and tension during these tasks. (Baruch and Barnett 991)
Furthermore, housework tasks are unpaid when they are done in one’s own household, often strengthening the notion that it is not work. The same tasks done in a different household, though, are considered to be work and are paid. (Delphy 87–88) When it was calculated what a housewife would earn, if she were paid for her work, it added up to about $ 38,000 dollars in 2003. (Douglas and Michaels 45) Nevertheless, being a homemaker does also have positive aspects, such as a high level of autonomy and being able to spend time with one’s children. (Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 55, 57; Giddens and Birdsall 397)
Gershuny stated in 2000, that even though he does not believe there is a general endemic inequality between men and women originating in the patriarchal structures of many western countries, he does believe the ‘dual burden’ phenomenon puts additional demands on women. This phenomenon describes women in full-time paid jobs who are also responsible for most household tasks and therefore, have a higher workload than their full-time externally employed
14 partner. This phenomenon has been slowly declining since the 1960s, due to a so-called ‘lagged adaptation’, as a great number of women entered the work force, while their husbands did not take over household tasks in the same corresponding amount. (Gershuny, Changing times 9, 69, 198; Bianchi et al. "Is Anyone Doing the Housework" 196–98; Sayer et al. "How Long Is the Second (Plus First) Shift?" 525; Gershuny, Gender Symmetry, Gender Convergence and Historical Work-time Invariance in 24 countries. 9–10; Gershuny et al. 2; Michael Anderson et al. 153, 185; Giddens and Birdsall 398; Bianchi et al. Changing Rhythms 70-71, 90; Kitzinger 59)
In recent studies, it was found that there is a convergence of the workload. Women increasingly work in paid positions and do less non-paid work (household tasks and childcare) and men tend to do less paid work and more non-paid work, thus making the working hours of men and women mostly equal. Nevertheless, the work load itself is still not equal with women , who on average take over about 60 percent of the unpaid work load. (Giddens and Birdsall 176; Gershuny, Changing times 6, 9, 69, 198; Hoffmann 16–17; Benn 62; Sayer et al. "How Long Is the Second (Plus First) Shift?" 523; Gershuny, Gender Symmetry, Gender Convergence and Historical Work-time Invariance in 24 countries. 2, 10, 12; Sullivan et al. 264–265, 270-271; Thompson and Walker 854; Michael Anderson et al. 185, 187; Sayer 35; Craig, “Children and the revolution” 135; Bianchi et al. Changing Rhythms 90; Sampson and Lichter 91)
Although it has been declining, the ‘dual burden’ phenomenon is still very visible when considering secondary activities. Women tend to do more than one task at a time, often combining either their leisure activities with housework activities (e.g. ironing while watching TV) or two housework activities (e.g. cooking while minding the children), resulting in a slightly overall higher workload for women, and a significantly higher workload for mothers, than for men or fathers respectively. (Craig, “Children and the revolution” 135; Craig, “Is there really a second shift, and if so, who does it? a time-diary investigation” 149; United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 17-19, 21)
Multitasking therefore also influences the leisure time of mothers with only a little over 50 percent of women’s leisure time being ‘pure’ leisure time that is not ‘contaminated’ by doing unpaid work, such as watching TV while folding laundry. Furthermore, the ‘pure’ leisure time of mothers is interrupted significantly more often, while also being shorter than the leisure time
15 of fathers. The greatest difference in leisure time can be seen when comparing adult leisure time (leisure time spent without the presence of any children). While women who have no children have 39.5 hours of adult leisure time each week, women with children under the age of two have about 2.5 hours of adult leisure time each week. The amount of time increases slowly, but steadily with the age of the children, reaching 9 hours when the children are five to nine years old. (Bittman and Wajcman 181–83) A similar study found that mothers have about 25.8 hours of ‘pure’ leisure time (time that is not spent doing a secondary activity such as folding laundry or cooking), and about 7.4 hours of adult leisure time (time that is spend with adults in the absence of children) each week. However, no distinction regarding the ages of the children was made; and as this was the median, it can be assumed that the results of both studies are very similar. (Bianchi et al. Changing Rhythms 102–03)
In 2018, a new time use survey was conducted in the USA. The results show that 84 percent of women do household activities of 2.6 hours per day on average, compared to 68 percent of men who do 2.1 hours of housework per day. Men are more and more involved in household activities, such as food preparation and cleaning up on an average day, however, with a rise from 35 percent to 46 percent between 2003 and 2017. (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 2)
The study compared the hours worked by men and women in different family types and different employment statuses. The total hours worked by men and women are of importance for this comparison, and therefore the hours of ‘household activities’, ‘purchasing goods and services’, ‘caring for and helping household members’, ‘caring for and helping non-household members’ and ‘work and work-related activities’ are added up. (see tables 1 to 3). In table 1, all men and women regardless of their employment status were combined in one ‘total’ category. Table 2 deals with employed men and women and table 3 with unemployed men and women, also including retirees. In order to improve readability of the tables, the following explanations clarify the categories; mothers/fathers of children under six years in their household are referred to as ‘mothers/fathers of young children’, mothers/fathers of children between 6 and 17 years in their household are referred to as ‘mothers/fathers of older children’, and women/men with no children under 18 in their household are referred to as ‘women/men without children’. This does not imply, however, that these women/men have no children, but that their children have simply outgrown the status of ‘child’ and are considered adults themselves.
16 Table 1: Average daily working hours for men and women, total (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 17)
Children under 6 Children from 6 to 17 No Children Men Women Men Women Men Women Total Total work hours 9.01 9.23 7.96 7.93 6.2 6.44
Housework incl. 1.98 3.14 1.82 3.19 2.1 3.02 purchasing Caring for household 1.18 2.57 0.42 0.83 - - children Paid Work 5.58 3.15 5.44 3.53 3.8 3.01 Leisure and Sports 4.00 3.46 4.69 4.17 6.27 5.38
Table 2: Average daily working hours for men and women, employed (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 18)
Children under 6 Children from 6 to 17 No Children Men Women Men Women Men Women Employed Total work hours 9.71 10.11 8.93 9.03 7.88 8.24
Housework incl. 1.9 2.55 1.72 2.97 1.75 2.70 purchasing Caring for household 1.14 2.19 0.43 0.74 - - children Paid Work 6.42 4.95 6.51 4.98 5.89 5.23 Leisure and Sports 3.50 3.01 4.20 3.59 5.05 4.01
17 Table 3: Average daily working hours for men and women, unemployed (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 19)
Children under 6 Children from 6 to 17 No Children Men Women Men Women Men Women Unemployed Total work hours 4.15 7.66 2.99 5.28 3.28 4.08
Housework incl. 2.49 4.14 2.29 3.69 2.72 3.44 purchasing Caring for household 1.48 3.20 0.39 1.06 - - children Paid Work - - - 0.10 0.15 0.07 Leisure and Sports 7.13 4.22 6.97 5.57 8.42 7.19
When looking at table 1, it was found that the number of hours worked by mothers of young children added up to 64.61 hours a week. Compared to the total of women without children, this translated to mothers of young children working 19.53 hours more a week (2.79 hours a day). When having older children (between six and 17 years), the work week of mothers had on average 55.51 hours. Compared to all women without children, this means mothers of older children worked 10.43 hours more a week (1.49 hours a day). (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 17)
Comparing the hours worked by the total of men and women surveyed, it can be seen that mothers of young children worked 1.54 hours more per week (0.22 hours per day) than fathers of young children. Furthermore, mothers of young children spent about double the amount of time on childcare compared to fathers of young children. In liaison to this, fathers of young children spent about half an hour more every day with leisure activities than mothers. (see table 1) (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 17–19)
Table 2 represents the data received from employed men and women. The hours worked by mothers of young children added up to 70.77 hours a week (10.11 hours a day). Mothers of older children in average reported a 63.21 hours work week (9.03 hours a day). Looking at the number of hours worked by mothers and women without children, it was found that mothers of young children reported an additional 13.09 hours a week (1.87 hours a day) taken up by work.
18 This amount shrinks with the age of the children, decreasing to 5.53 hours a week (0.79 hours a day) when children are older. (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 18)
While the difference in total hours worked was a small one – mothers of young children worked 28 hours a week (4 hours a day) more than fathers and 0.7 hours a week (0.1 hours a day) if children were older – mothers still spent about an hour more on child care compared to fathers, which decreased as the children grew older. This study, furthermore, supports the theory that fathers are still responsible for the main source of income, as they spent about one and a half hours more per day in paid jobs than women. (table 2) (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 18)
The third breakdown (table 3) considers the group of unemployed men and women. As previously mentioned, this group did not only include people who were unemployed because they could not find a job, but also all retirees and homemakers who consciously decided not to take up a paid job. The total hours worked by mothers of young children added up to 53.62 hours a week (7.66 hours a day) and the total hours worked by mothers of older children was 36.96 hours a week (5.28 hours a day). Independent of having children, the total hours worked by unemployed women was significantly higher than the total hours worked by men in every category. Furthermore, women spent significantly more time with household activities and childcare activities, while men spent more hours with leisure activities. Unemployed mothers of young children worked on average 25.06 hours per week (3.58 hours a day) more than unemployed women without children. Unemployed mothers with older children worked 8.4 hours per week (1.2 hours a day) more than unemployed women without children. (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 19)
The study further includes the average values for childcare done as a secondary task, while also doing another primary activity for the combined years of 2014-2018. Unfortunately, when measuring secondary activities, different categories were used than in the other parts of the time use survey, only stating values for children up to the age of 13. As childcare time between the age of 13 and 17 is expected to decrease drastically, no representative comparison can be made for the combined age group of children between six and 17 years. Therefore, a comparison is only made for parents of children younger than six years, for which data is available.
19 Furthermore, it must be noted that the table only includes childcare as a secondary activity. The additional times that women and men spent multitasking, regardless of their children, for example, by doing a household activity while doing a leisure activity (e.g., ironing while watching TV) were not considered in this survey. Therefore, they cannot be included.
Keeping these limitations in mind, when adding the secondary activities to the hours worked, a fictitious ‘workload’ is created that exceeds the 24 hour day, but includes multitasking (only childcare). This ‘workload’ of mothers of young children (total) adds up to 108.92 hours a week (15.56 hours a day). Fathers of young children (total) have a calculated ‘workload’ of 92.61 hours a week (13.23 hours a day). Most of the childcare was done while doing leisure activities for both mothers and fathers. Nevertheless, mothers spent almost the same number of hours doing childcare as a secondary activity, while doing housework activities. Furthermore, fathers spent about 36 percent of their time caring for children as a primary activity by playing and doing hobbies with their children, while mothers only spent about 23 percent of their time with these kinds of activities. Moreover, fathers spent 31 percent of their child care time (26 minutes per day) with the physical care of children and mothers spent 41 percent (1.1 hours a day) of their child care time with physical care. (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 21) This supports the theory that the paternal participation in childcare is often oriented to the fun and games activities, while mothers are more likely to take care of hygiene, as well as education. (Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 180–81; Thompson and Walker 861; Bittman and Wajcman 184; Hoffnung 5; Sunderland 506)
Looking at childcare specifically, the study shows that mothers of young children spent 18.97 hours a week (2.71 hours a day) with primary childcare and 44.31 hours a week (6.33 hours a day) providing childcare as a secondary activity (see table 4). In comparison, fathers of young children only spent about half of that, with 9.66 hours a week (1.38 hours per day) with primary childcare and 29.54 hours a week (4.22 hours a day), providing childcare as a secondary activity. While the time spent with child care as a primary activity decreases significantly with the age of the children, the amount of child care done as a secondary activity stays mostly the same and decreases only slightly, as long as the children are under 13 years old. (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 20–21)
20 Table 4: Hours spent in primary activities while providing childcare as a secondary activity; average over the years 2014 to 2018 (United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 21)
Men Women
Child under age 6 Total 4.22 6.33 Personal care activities 0.17 0.35 Household activities incl. purchasing 1.04 2.34 Work and work-related activities 0.20 0.20 Eating and drinking 0.60 0.79 Leisure and Sports 1.90 2.14 Other activities 0.30 0.52
This study, as well as other studies, found that children add substantially to the work load of mothers than that of fathers, while mothers are also more likely to cut down on their paid work time than men, as well as on their sleep and leisure time. (Sayer et al. "How Long Is the Second (Plus First) Shift?" 538-539, 541; Thompson and Walker 850–51; Bianchi 412; Darby E. Saxbe et al. 278; Bianchi et al. Changing Rhythms 43; United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 17-19, 21) In addition to that, due to child bearing and child caring, the working life of women is often interrupted several times, making it difficult for women to develop a career. (Gershuny, Changing times 199; Thompson and Walker 851–53; Benn 62; Singley and Hynes 376; Cowdery and Knudson‐ Martin 340; Bianchi et al. "Housework: Who Did, Does or Will Do It, and How Much Does It Matter?" 60)
Nevertheless, fathers are more and more involved in the upbringing of their children and in the household when looking at a historical perspective. This also has a positive effect on mothers. Due to this, they can spend more quality time with their children and experience less time pressure. (Sullivan et al. 265, 270-271; Hoffmann 16–17; Michael Anderson et al. 187; Sayer et al. "Are Parents Investing Less in Children?" 1-2, 21-23, 31; Bianchi et al. "Housework: Who Did, Does or Will Do It, and How Much Does It Matter?" 56; Bianchi 412; Sullivan 717– 19; Sayer 21; Oakley, Soziologie der Hausarbeit 176; Lamb et al. 231; Darby E. Saxbe et al. 279)
21 The allocation of housework often sees women in the more ‘traditional’ and less attractive, as seen by both genders, areas of housework (cooking, washing, cleaning etc.). These areas are more likely to be subjected to criticism and special demands by other family members. (Bianchi et al. "Is Anyone Doing the Housework?" 192, 195; Benn 95; Thompson and Walker 855) Many childcare tasks are considered to be similar to household tasks. They are also considered to be very important, while the actual day-to-day tasks they include, especially when the children are still young, are often tedious and not rewarding. (Davis and Greenstein 69; Gove and Geerken 67)
The time spent with childcare tasks has been steadily increasing, especially in comparison to the 1960s and 1970s. The main reasons for this are considered to be a change in society and contraception methods, as parenthood becomes more and more a conscious choice, a perceived higher crime rate and more extracurricular activities, which increases fear for safety in parents, and an increase in the intensive mothering ideology. (G. Ramey and V. Ramey 194–95; Sayer et al. "Are Parents Investing Less in Children?" 8, 9, 19, 33, 34; Walby, Theorizing patriarchy 81; United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2009 Results 17–19; United States Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey - 2018 Results 17–19; Bianchi et al. Changing Rhythms 62–63) Furthermore, leisure time activities of parents have changed to be also attractive to children so that a family can spend quality time together. (Bittman and Wajcman 173; Sayer et al. "Are Parents Investing Less in Children?" 34) Lastly, due to technical advances, the time needed for household tasks decreased, leaving more time available to spend with one’s children. (Gershuny and Harms 516)
Motherhood also puts pressure on relationships. It was found that in many couples the marital satisfaction declined after a child was born. Suggested reasons for this are the fact that women spend less quality time and less intimacy with their partners after they have a child, and a (perceived) unfairness of how the additional time needed for child care and household activities is distributed. (Dew and Wilcox 10)
22 3.4. Effects of Excessive Demands and Parenting Stress on Women’s Mental Health
The pressure to be a ‘perfect mother’ creates great stress for women. 71 percent of married mothers in 2006 had a feeling that they had “too little time for themselves”. 40 percent felt “always rushed” and 67 percent felt that they were “always multitasking”. (Bianchi et al. Changing Rhythms 136) Mothers have also reported elevated levels of personal and marital stress when a baby is born. (B. C. Miller and Sollie 462) Parenting stress is defined as the gap between the demands of the new role as a parent and the “perceived availability of resources for dealing with those demands[.] [T]herefore, total parenting stress is explained by both parent and child characteristics and situational variables.” (Vismara et al. 938/7) This gap can include feeling overwhelmed, insecure as a parent or unsatisfied with the child-parent relationship. (Vismara et al. 938/7; Yim et al. 116) Furthermore, there is a heightened possibility for women to have their first episode of depression after the birth of their child, as childcare stress is one of the main indicators for postnatal depression. Life stress, social support and the child’s temperament were also strong indicators of this. (Darby Saxbe et al. 1190; Beck 280; Yim et al. 116; Vismara et al. 938/3, 938/7; Sidor et al. 6; Anding et al. 306–07) Concerning high maternal anxiety, perfectionism is one of the significant risk factors. (Milgrom et al. 153–54)
When considering the factors demands, desire to be alone and loneliness, the mental health of women with children is worse than of women without children. (Gove and Geerken 74–75; Romito 623; Kahn and Cuthbertson 152–53; Abrahamson and M. Prior-Miller 272) While the positive feeling towards a child steadily grows with the age of the child and the anxiety decreases, a feeling of the daily grind seems to develop steadily, as mothers with one-year-old toddlers start to report some resentment about how much time it takes to care for a child. (Fleming et al. 141) With rising control, the rates of distress and demoralization decrease. (Rosenfield 77-79, 87; Treas et al. 126; Marshall and Tracy 388)
A considerable factor for the mental health of working mothers is how involved their spouses are in the housework, not only the childcare tasks. (Rout et al. 272; Romito 623; Marshall and Tracy 388) The personal well-being of mothers influences the development of the children as well. It was found that parents are more nurturing, as well as responsive towards their children when the relationship between them is a caring and positive one. In addition, mothers who feel
23 supported by their husbands and friends are more satisfied with parenthood and, presumably, have a more positive behavior towards their infants. (Lamb et al. 235)
Many mothers live with a constant feeling of guilt. Guilt, that they are at home and do not work in a paid job while they are with their children and guilt, that they do not spend time with their family when they are at work. As one mother, who went back to work shortly after the birth of her son, states, “I remember I went to see the childminder. I really didn’t want to leave the baby. I was still feeding him, totally. I remember just sitting there, crying. But I really really liked my job.” (Benn 84)
3.5. Support and Coping Strategies
The enormous physical and psychological pressure of parenthood is often faced with a variety of coping strategies. A selection of some of these strategies in recent history is discussed in the following chapter.
Already since the 1970s, sharing one’s experiences to find reassurance was used as a coping strategy for mothers. It reduces the feeling of being alone and gives women a notion of comradery, while reducing the guilt that they feel. Indeed, when considering parental stress, a social support network, for example other mothers who have experienced similar situations, friends or relatives, are considered to be very helpful. This is especially significant when the child is still very young. (Mulsow et al. 954)
Support from other family members is often not available nowadays, as families tend to be smaller. Nevertheless, even if family support is available it might not be helpful, but actually be a further stressor for young parents. Considering the pace of technological and medical advances, it is likely that there is a gap between the knowledge of mothers and grandmothers considering childcare. As our society has self-development and individuality at its center, a daughter might therefore be unwilling to ask her mother, who is from another generation, for help, as she wants to do it her own (modern) way. (Kitzinger 28, 203, 206, 208)
Often, it might already be helpful to realize that others are in the same situation and that negative feelings toward a child are normal and experienced by many other mothers as well. There might be days on which a mother wishes that her baby did not exist. Accepting these feelings and
24 knowing that these are common in motherhood, might help mothers to reduce pressure on themselves. (B. C. Miller and Sollie 463; Samuel xiii) Another aspect of social support is the possibility to vent about one’s troubles and stress. Especially working mothers tend to use their social networks as coping strategies. (Rout et al. 273)
Nevertheless, the simple exhaustion due to the new excessive demands of new motherhood are mostly not accepted in our society. (Samuel xiii; Kitzinger 14) Therefore, the vulnerable state new mothers often experience is almost exclusively explained with “internal psychological states, their hormones, their psyches, and their own inadequate personalities, instead of acknowledging the realities of the situation as they adjust to the enormous occupational and emotional tasks of motherhood.” (Kitzinger 14)
Many couples of younger generations, so-called ‘post gender couples’, actively assign tasks to fathers and mothers and try to not only share the tasks, but also share the responsibility for them completely. This means that fathers not only do the tasks that mothers ask them to do, but that they actively participate and feel the same level of responsibility for the well-being of their child, as well as the household. This creates a collaborative parenting style where each parent learns from the other. (Cowdery and Knudson‐Martin 341)
4. The Representation of Motherhood in Magazines
Magazines are considered to “serve both as a mirror of and a catalyst for the tenor and tone of the sociocultural realities of their times.” (Abrahamson 1) Magazines are therefore not only descriptive, but also prescriptive as they construct ideals. (Kitch 10; Francis-Connolly 183; Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 23–24; Sunderland 504; Luke 295) While magazines can be critically seen as powerful players that influence society to create more profit, they can also be interpreted as creating a community and being a part of culture themselves. (Kitch 10–14)
Magazines are typically periodicals that contain miscellaneous pieces as well as illustrations. Nowadays, magazines are often not only used for entertainment, but also to convey information. (Marcia R. Prior-Miller 25) The advantages of magazines to get information for parents are manifold. They are inexpensive, easily available and come in many varieties. Furthermore, they are shorter and easier to read than books and a subscription to a parenting magazine is
25 considered to be a great gift for new parents or parents-to-be. (Francis-Connolly 179; Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 24; Luke 294) In addition to this, they are readily available in many waiting areas e.g. in doctor’s offices. (Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 24) Magazines often establish a strong relationship – even trust – with their readers, so that they feel committed to a magazine, keep it for a longer period of time and read it repeatedly. (Sar and Rodriguez 180)
Although parenting magazines, when considering their name, are supposed to address both fathers and mothers, the content as well as the advertisements are overwhelmingly directed towards women. Regarding advertisements, it was found in a study that 18.1 percent of all advertisements were for exclusively female products, while only 0.24 percent were for exclusively male products. 44.7 percent of the advertisements showed just women and 9.2 percent only men. (Greve Spees and Zimmerman 87, 94) 69 percent of the pictures belonging to articles showed only women and only 27 percent showed just fathers. Furthermore, while 55.6 percent of the articles were targeting both fathers and mothers, from the remaining articles, 39.7 percent addressed only mothers and only 4.8 fathers, showing a clear bias towards the mother as the primary caretaker of children. (Greve Spees and Zimmerman 90, 94) Two out of three magazines included sections solely for mothers, including, beauty and styling tips, emphasizing the idea of the importance of apparel for women. (Greve Spees and Zimmerman 94) Furthermore, the portrayals of men and women were often highly stereotypical. Women were mostly shown in domestic roles and stereotypical female occupations, such as passive activities or providing physical care to a child, or as sexual objects that are subordinate to men, while men were mostly shown doing active play or sports. (Sar and Rodriguez 183; Francis- Connolly 181)
4.1. Historical Overview of the Representation of Motherhood in Magazines
The importance of magazines, parenting magazines included, started to rise from the early 1920s. An example for this is the magazine Children, a Magazine for Parents, which was founded in 1926 and then was soon renamed Parents’ Magazine. (Schlossman 66) Nevertheless, there is no data available for the representation of motherhood until the 1950s.
26 In the 1950s, the idea of mothers needing help from experts gained importance. Therefore, one characteristic feature of pregnancy and parenting magazines was introduced: a panel of experts (midwives, gynecologists, paediatricians etc.) who gave advice, but also addressed questions and insecurities. However, the advice given mostly dealt with the questions in a socially acceptable way e.g., recommending medication, activating one’s social support system etc. The possibility that some mothers may have trouble connecting to their children, not enjoy motherhood, or have a hard time adapting to the additional work load were almost exclusively repressed. (Thomson and Kehily 128–29; Douglas and Michaels 62; Hays 44; Friedan 62)
This trend could also be seen in the 1970s. Mothers were represented as loving white women who never got angry or frustrated and were mostly homemakers. (Douglas and Michaels 57) Nevertheless, this period also welcomed the ‘mouthy mother’, a rebellious, sarcastic mother, who was considered to be the media version of a feminist mother. The ‘mouthy mother’ did not conform to the norm of intensive mothering and patriarchy. (Douglas and Michaels 57) During this time, the concept of the ‘Supermoms’ began to develop, mostly in advertisements, already laying the groundwork for the two different ‘mothering styles’ the media today sketches in the ‘mommy wars’ (working mothers vs. stay-at-home mothers). (Douglas and Michaels 57; Lopez 731) The advice given by ‘experts’ emphasized that mothers needed a ‘calm rationality’, very similar to that of therapists, to raise ‘good’ children and not ‘little tyrants’. It was suggested that “mothers should never be harsh, but communicate with ‘warmth, frankness and openness,’ always displaying their understanding for their children.” They were represented as being solely responsible for any fault of their children. (Douglas and Michaels 66–67)
Magazines started to pick up feminist ideas over time, always making sure, however, that these ideas and ideologies were not too radical. Magazines did take the situation of housewives to heart and started addressing problems and issues of them, as well as highlighting the value of their daily work. Furthermore, many articles, columns or letters to the editors were published which encouraged women to engage in work outside of their home and strengthened the back of working mothers. (Douglas and Michaels 70) In the 1970s, in contrast to the 1950s, a wide variety of mothers were represented. Mothers were actively encouraged to address their own personal struggles with intensive mothering and get into contact with mothers who shared their experiences. (Douglas and Michaels 72–73)
27 In the 1980s, the representation of motherhood changed. The media started focusing on the ‘traditional’ values of families again, often with religion at its center. Prevalently, the tool used by the media to put pressure on mothers was to work with fear: the fear of not caring enough for their children, not feeding them nutritiously enough, using the wrong rash cream, not going to the doctor often enough, children swallowing small parts of a toy, and children being abducted by strangers, etc. This period can be seen as the beginning of the ‘new momism’. (Douglas and Michaels 85–86) The magazine Parents, for example, warned their readers in 1982 about putting children into day care. They stated that children who spent more than 20 hours per week there, would inevitably reject their parents. (Douglas and Michaels 90)
In contrast, the magazines of the late 1980s praised childcare institutions and the independence of children. This created a stark contrast to the information parents received from the news and added to the confusion. (Douglas and Michaels 103) Two elements of the ‘new momism’ therefore originated in the 1980s: being constantly alarmed and on the look-out for possible dangers as well as always being relaxed and fun-loving. (Douglas and Michaels 109)
Advertisements from the 1980s showed slim and attractive mothers in smart business clothing, pushing strollers with a smile on theirs and their baby’s faces. These pictures represented women ‘having it all’ and put immense pressure on everyday ‘real’ women. Apart from their jobs, these ‘Super-Moms’ were represented being worried about the right schools and day cares for their children, the right nourishment, the best learning devices and toys. (Kaplan 188–89; Maushart 3; Douglas and Michaels 25; Benn 47; Kitzinger 229)
The 1990s then brought a new aspect into motherhood: a notion of sexuality and lust. (Kitzinger 47; Malich 158; Douglas and Michaels 122) In years to come, yummy mummies, mothers who became sexually desired, celebrated their arrival. This mother ideal put enormous pressure on women to be thin, attractive and fit, as well as have enough money to always buy the newest trends in clothing and accessories. In addition, yummy mummies were almost exclusively represented as being Caucasian and heterosexual. (Malich 158–159; Douglas and Michaels 122; Littler 238–39; Luke 295; Hudson and Lance 421; Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 23) Magazine articles made it seem that for ‘the sexy new mums’ negative aspects of motherhood, such as sleep deprivation or postpartum depressions were a choice that they simply decided not to take. (Douglas and Michaels 122)
28
In the late 1980s and 1990s, the phenomenon of the ‘mommy wars’ found its place in magazines. Working women supposedly saw stay-at-home mothers as not ambitious enough, boring, subordinating themselves to patriarchy and being bad role models to their children. On the other hand, stay-at-home mothers saw working mothers as egoistic careerists who did not care enough about their family and their children and were too stressed during the limited time they did spend with their children. Characteristic of the mommy wars was the separation into two clear-cut types of motherhood. However, most mothers, in fact, could be placed either somewhere in between or at both ends at different times in their lives. (Douglas and Michaels 204; Lopez 731)
With the help of magazines, women like Martha Stewart gained popularity in this era. The home was rebranded as a place where women could fulfil their creative urges by decorating and doing crafts. (Douglas and Michaels 205) While this did give housework a new level of significance and sophistication, it also took part in a backlash against working women. (Douglas and Michaels 227)
In the 1990s, an aspect within the representation of motherhood that had already been used in the 1950s in the USA, regained enormous popularity: the celebrity mum profile. It refined, reinforced, and further romanticized motherhood. (Douglas and Michaels 113; Friedan 53) Characteristic images of attractive, slim, almost exclusively Caucasian celebrities, photographed with a wide smile, surrounded by pastel colors seated on a couch in a tidy and well-organized room, or with a white backdrop with a sleeping baby in their arms, or with a laughing baby thrown playfully in the air were used. Smiling celebrities represented working mothers who ‘had it all’, while also showing how much joy it brought being a stay-at-home mother. They spoke about how motherhood was the most exhilarating experience of their life. The amount of staff that helps with the housework and child care, as well as the financial situation of celebrities was, and still is not addressed in these profiles. (Douglas and Michaels 113–14; Friedan 53) Celebrity mothers were represented as never experiencing any difficulties, their children always came first, and they loved being mothers all the time; they always had everything under control, while having perfectly beautiful and well-behaved children. Celebrity mom profiles created a fantasy of motherhood promoting the ‘era of the role model’. (Douglas and Michaels 116, 118)
29 With celebrity mom profiles, the aspect of competition was introduced into motherhood as well. Mothers who read about these celebrities, apart from often feeling incompetent and inadequate, entered the competition, wondering that if this celebrity could do it, why not them. In many ways, the celebrity moms brought back many traditional aspects of motherhood, including that women are by nature born to be mothers. (Douglas and Michaels 138; Chae 517)
Not only have mothers been represented as attractive, assertive, and care-free in magazines, but also children and babies are shown as beautiful, smiling and all-in-all happy. Rarely, a child is shown throwing a tantrum or being upset. (Kitzinger 200; Luke 294) The romanticized image of the fun mother bonding with her child was also picked up by advertisements in the 1990s. This put the relationship between mothers and their children in the foreground, not the products the advertisements were actually selling. (Douglas and Michaels 231; Luke 294)
A study from the early 2000s showed that employed women were still highly underrepresented in women’s and parenting magazines, with only 12 percent of all mother-related text units representing working mothers. Overwhelmingly, mothers were represented in the domestic sphere (84 percent) or in a public as well as domestic sphere (15 percent). (Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 26–27) They were mostly represented as happy, proud, idle and not confused. Emotions such as feeling guilty, tired and angry were negligible. (Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 27) Topics regarding fun, entertainment, luxury, food, home, practical necessities, and relationships were prevalent. Topics dealing with the body and beauty, psychological improvement, employment issues, etc. were underrepresented. There were no mother-related texts units found that dealt with social, political, or educational interests. (Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 27–28)
4.2. Representation of Motherhood in Magazines Nowadays
Stereotypically a mother was represented as a woman in soft focus, sitting in the lamplight with her baby at her breast (but without any of her breast actually exposed), placed in a rocking chair with light filtering through the leaves of the tree in bloom outside her window, walking on the seashore with her face upturned to the sun, or in a frilly negligee, her long blond hair falling over her faces as she gazes at her sleeping baby. (Kitzinger 200)
30 The images of the yummy mummy, the Supermom as well as celebrity mum profiles, promoting intensive mothering and the ‘new momism’ are (still) represented predominantly nowadays. The representation of ‘having’, or rather ‘doing it all’ is the primary aspect used in magazines. Therefore, articles in magazines, while maybe addressing uncomfortable topics, are sure to always end on positive remarks, not conveying a too grim or depressing overall impression. They try to leave the readers with a message of hope, while in fact leaving them with an image that is impossible to reach, encouraging guilt and a sense of inadequacy and failure. They experience a struggle between the real and the ideal mother. (Kitzinger 8; Prikhidko and Swank 280, 282; Hays 141; Lalancette and Germain; Maushart 3–4; Carr 270)
Considering the information given in magazines nowadays, it seems that the public discourse consists of knowing too much and too little at the same time. On subjects such as pregnancy, meal preparation, toilet training etc., there is a sheer unlimited amount of information available in books, magazines, or social media. They tell women ‘how to do’ something, but this mountain of tips does not relate to the day to day life that most women lead, therefore representing a false image of motherhood. (Maushart 8; Douglas and Michaels 40; Luke 294)
A study of the representation of motherhood in Canadian magazines in 2016 found three specific prevalent ideas of motherhood. These three ideas are, performing domestic motherhood, kid-ology, and pampered mothers. As mothers are primarily represented in a domestic setting, almost completely excluding the factor of employment in magazines, they are described as “performing domestic motherhood”. (Lalancette and Germain) As time is the most valuable commodity of mothers, magazines offer ways to save time and be more efficient, such as being organized and having control. Linguistically, words that convey effortlessness, such as ‘easy’ or ‘simple’, are frequently used. While these tips, recipes etc. try to show efficient ways of mothering, they also have a negative effect on readers. In some cases, they might evoke guilt if one is not able to do these ‘easy’ dishes, tasks, craft projects, etc. (Lalancette and Germain)
The second repertoire is named “Kid-ology or Advice to the ‘Clueless’ Mother”. (Lalancette and Germain) This category covers tips and tricks in the form of professional advice that a mother ‘needs’ to know for the normative ‘intensive mothering’. One important issue in this category is the idea of danger. It is frequently brought up, and up-to-date information on what
31 mothers can do to keep their children as safe and as successful as possible is available. (Lalancette and Germain)
The last repertoire is concerned with the ‘pampered mom’, in which mothers are advised on how they can take good care of themselves so that they stay fit and attractive. ‘Experts’ give advice on how to quickly loose excess weight after birth, what hairstyle looks best, and what make-up to use. They are always focusing on easy do-it-yourself suggestions that should allow mothers to take control themselves. It is assumed that appearance is vital for a mother and a key factor to her and her family’s happiness and well-being. It also shows mothers taking care of their bodies as an enjoyable activity. (Lalancette and Germain)
Magazines are more and more involved in the digital sphere because the importance of the internet is growing. Many magazines already have a greater online than offline readership. (Davis Mersey 519) Magazine publishers and writers have adapted to this new situation and offer online content, including, in many cases, blogs to further strengthen the relationship they have with their readers. Nevertheless, it seems unlikely that the magazine in its print form will completely cease to exist in the near future. (Davis Mersey 524–525; Abrahamson 2)
5. The Representation of Motherhood in Blogs
With the advent of the World Wide Web, the reading and writing habits of our time changed dramatically, paving the way for weblogs. Blogs are a product of the internet, which was invented by Tim Berners-Lee and first implemented in 1990. In 1993, it went public and by 1994 the first online diaries were available. Blogs started out as lists of links to other websites that the bloggers considered to be interesting. (Augustin 11–12; Walker Rettberg 30) The term ‘weblog’ originates from the two words ‘web’ and ‘log’ and has been used since the early 1990s. (Walker Rettberg 17, 24) In 1997, the term ‘weblog’ was first used to describe a website similar to what is today understood as a ‘blog’ by John Barger. (Blood, “Weblogs” 7) A blog is defined nowadays as “a frequently updated web site consisting of dated entries arranged in reverse chronological order so the most recent post appears first.” (Walker Rettberg 17–19, 24)
The first blogs were mostly created by computer programmers, web designers, and web enthusiasts, because it was necessary to have coding skills. (Blood, “Introduction” x; Blood, “Weblogs” 8; G. Myers 24) In 1999, the first free weblogging tools were published (Pitas,
32 Blogger.com by Pyra and Groksoup). (Walker Rettberg 27; Blood, “Weblogs” 8; Augustin 76; G. Myers 16) With these, creating a blog became very easy, and nowadays, there is already a myriad of online services to choose from that offer platforms to create blogs and store them on their server free of charge, e.g. Blogger.com or Wordpress.com. After setting up an account, a blog can easily be created, for example by using one of the pre-created templates which are then personalized. (Walker Rettberg 5; Augustin 11; Blood, “Introduction” x; Webb and Lee 243)
It is impossible to state the exact number of blogs today. The internet is too vast to accurately count the number of blogs and every minute more blogs are added. Nevertheless, the growth is sure to be drastic. In 1999, there were only 23 blogs on the internet, whereas in July 2004, about 3 million blogs were counted. SoftwareFindr estimated that the number of blogs was at least 400 million, but likely even higher than 500 million in 2018. (Walker Rettberg 29; SoftwareFindr; Blood, “Weblogs” 7)
Blogs allow communication independent from time zones or daily rhythms. They are independent of locations, and are easily accessible, even from mobile devices. Blogs are now an important medium to express oneself, and they also create a public forum of communication, called the ‘blogosphere’. On blogs, it is possible to state and reflect on one’s own opinion, mostly unfiltered and unedited, without being controlled or restricted. They also allow for eccentricity, as a certain element of anonymity prevails. (Augustin , 13–14, 78, 100, 106; Ebersbach et al. 204) Nevertheless, as the blogosphere is unedited, there can also be a ‘tone of nastiness’ with harsh comments and personal criticism. (Kline et al. 308, 310)
Due to the intensive engagement and comprehensive appropriation of information, apart from storing the information, blogging is also a tool for processing and gaining knowledge. (Augustin 111) Central motives of writing blogs are the documentation of one’s own experiences concerning oneself with experiences and feelings, as well as maintaining social contacts and relationships. (Augustin 112; Webb and Lee 250) The emotional engagement with experiences is an important aspect for female bloggers, because blogging can be used as a coping strategy to remember, reflect upon, and overcome experiences. (Augustin 112, 158)
Blogs can be categorized in many different ways, for example, according to content (online diaries, newspaper blogs, war blogs, event blogs, info blogs, hobby blogs, science blogs etc.),
33 to the predominant medium that is used (text blogs, photoblogs, filter blogs, videoblogs etc.), to the host (corporate blogs, education blogs, private blogs etc.), to the used device (moblogs used from a mobile phone), or as search engines and metablogs. (Ebersbach et al. 64–65)
Blogs are mostly structured in a similar way, including a title (usually on the top of the page), a tagline (subtitle or short description), and information about the blogger (sometimes with a photo) in an ‘About’ section. The main part of the blog, the most recent posts, are commonly presented in the middle, while previous blog entries (‘Archive’) are listed in a side column. Recommended links, as well as comments from the readers and, increasingly often, shops are also usually incorporated in blogs. (Walker Rettberg 7–8; Ainetter 21–23; Ebersbach et al. 67)
5.1. Writing Style and Linguistic Features of Blogs
The writing style of blogs is short and personal, usually using a first-person narrative. Furthermore, most blogs have a social aspect and readers are encouraged to participate actively. (Walker Rettberg 21–22; G. Myers 9; Powell 41; Webb and Lee 247; Rogers 249–50) Blogs often use pronouns such as ‘you’ and ‘we’ as a way to address their readership and engage them. (G. Myers 80) Rhetoric questions and directives (e.g. ‘look at this link’) are means of communicating with the readership. Conversational elements such as self-interruption, enacting conversation, reported speech, and irony are also commonly used in blogs. (G. Myers 18-19, 84–85, 109)
The language of blogs is characterized with an element of politeness by using, for example expressions like ‘maybe one should consider…’ or ‘it might be worth to…’. (G. Myers 89–90) In blogs, facts are mostly given through links, not original texts. This implies that the blogger, as well as the reader, cannot be absolutely certain about the validity of them. (G. Myers 97–99) Blog entries, as well as comments, often try to give proof of their opinions. This can happen through induction (finding a general conclusion from a specific case), deduction (coming to a specific fact by using general truths), hearsay (‘a neighbor of him said’), belief (‘I truly believe’), or verbal resources (‘if true’, ‘it seems’, ‘the fact that’). (G. Myers 116–24)
Furthermore, blogs often use language and expressions that are similar to or imitate oral communication. Emoticons (e.g. ), words between asterisks that describe what a person does (e.g. *jumpingaround*), or soundwords (e.g. *argh*) make it possible to convey the meaning
34 of mimic and gesticulation into writing. Additionally, slang and urban language are frequently used in blogs. (Ainetter 36–42, 50)
5.2. The Phenomenon of Mommy Blogging
Mommy blogs have become a cultural phenomenon. (Orton-Johnson 1) Mothers tend to look for and find comfort and honesty on mommy blogs. They often feel that the representation of motherhood in popular and mainstream media is misleading and does not allow them to speak about their own insecurities and shortcomings, inciting immediate harsh judgment if they do. (Morrison; Douglas and Michaels 327) Meredith Berlin, a former editor-in-chief of Seventeen and mother of three children commented in 2003 on this issue. I have always felt that women, women’s magazines, indeed the entire media, must do a better job of telling the full story of what mothering is about-warts and all. Unless we start admitting to ourselves and each other that it’s not always a walk in the park, our guilt, anger, fear and depression will continue to go underground. And as we have learned, that is not a healthy place for them to be.” (Douglas and Michaels 323)
‘Mommy blogs’, therefore, are blogs about motherhood that “chronicle the lives of mothers as they raise their children.” (Abetz and Moore 267) Within these platforms mothers connect with other mothers to share their experiences and difficulties in motherhood. (Abetz and Moore 267; Lupton et al. 732; Lopez 734) Furthermore, they can construct versions of their own motherhood ideals, immediately becoming an alternative representation of motherhood created by mothers themselves. (Powell 73) Personal mommy blogging is purposive and deliberate social engagement, a creative as well as interpersonal practice that mitigates the assorted ills (physical isolation, role confusion, lack of realistic role models etc.) and celebrates the particular joys of contemporary mothering, especially in the early years of parenting. (Morrison)
The average mother blogger is considered to be a member of the white middle-class with a higher level of education, income, and technological ability, therefore dealing only with the issues of a very limited group of mothers. (Lupton et al. 732; Powell 40; Rogers 250)
The term ‘mommy blogs’ has led to some controversy, as the term ‘mommy’ in itself can be considered to be diminutive, because it is almost exclusively used by small children. The term ‘mommy bloggers’, thus, puts the focus on the children, not on the identity of the women. Moreover, the term reinforces the ideology of the hegemonic, nurturing role of women and reduces them to the single aspect of being the mother of a small child, while mostly eliciting the image of a stay-at-home-mom. Nevertheless, a number of ‘mommy bloggers’ have also
35 embraced this title. (Chen 510-511, 522-523; Lopez 737–39; Powell 40; Webb and Lee 244) In recent years, with the rising influence and importance of mommy blogs, the term has started to be replaced with the term ‘social media influencer’. (Archer 48)
In the early 2000s, ‘mommy blogging’ started to become a business phenomenon. The main readers are women with a higher education and a higher income that are very loyal to their blogs and are very likely to buy items advertised on the blog. Adding advertisements on ‘mommy blogs’ also sparked some criticism, because it was feared the bloggers would be influenced by their sponsors and the content would be compromised. (Lopez 732, 741; Powell 40) It was found that the content of bloggers who accepted advertisement or sponsorship changed, starting with being less critical and more aspirational, and putting more emphasis on selling products than telling honest stories, with the blog readers seen as an audience rather than a community. (A. Hunter 1318; Walker Rettberg 127, 137, 138, 147; Webb and Lee 245)
‘Mommy blogging’ has grown tremendously over time. In 2008, ‘mommy blogs’ received up to 50,000 hits and hundreds of comments per day. Nevertheless, there is an underlying prejudice that mommy blogging and its style is somehow less valuable, serious, professional, or credible, and also more self-obsessed, self-righteous and self-indulgent, than other blog writing. This was addressed in 2005 by Alice Bradley, who defined mommy blogging as a ‘radical act’ highlighting its importance. (Lopez 731; Chen 520; Rogers 249) By using the term ‘radical’, the issue is transferred into a political sphere, evoking revolutionary images. Indeed, ‘mommy bloggers’, by challenging the idealized image of motherhood in our society, have a political function. Thus, ‘Mommy blogging’ reinvents and reinterprets mothers, showing “women who are frazzled by the demands of their new-born baby, who have no clue what to do when their child gets sick, who suffer from postpartum depression and whose hormones rage uncontrollably.” ‘Mommy blogging’ connects the private sphere with the public sphere and addresses uncomfortable private issues, called the ‘ugly truths’, that are considered not to be suitable for the public. (Lopez 732; Powell 37; Webb and Lee 246)
Reasons for mommy blogging were researched in 2015, with results finding that it was most important for bloggers to connect and interact with other mothers to overcome their loneliness and feeling of being alone, to share their thoughts, experiences, and feelings, and to benefit from their understanding, as well as gather information from them and form a community. As these mothers are in a similar situation, mothers often prefer getting information and advice in
36 the blogosphere rather than from older family members or people considered to be experts. (Pettigrew et al. 1027–28; Lopez 742–43; Webb and Lee 242, 247-249; Samuel xii; Morrison)
Furthermore, bloggers felt that blogging mentally stimulated them, allowing them to be creative, to broaden their perspective by being exposed to different opinions, and giving them a feeling of accomplishment and autonomy. (Pettigrew et al. 1028; Webb and Lee 246) Validation was another reason for ‘mommy bloggers’ to write, as they wanted to be recognized for their skills. It gave them the feeling of “having their existence recognized and acknowledged”. (Pettigrew et al. 1029; Webb and Lee 246) Some bloggers even referred to their blogs as a kind of therapy for them. (Pettigrew et al. 1029)
An important aspect of validation was also that mothers received solidarity and reassurance that other mothers were experiencing similar issues and that these were normal aspects of daily life in motherhood. (Pettigrew et al. 1029; Lopez 742) A sense of contribution that allows them to help other people and give them information and support was another important reason for bloggers who “felt that their own suffering gave them insights that could be of value to others.” (Pettigrew et al. 1028) The last reason given for writing mommy blogs was a form of extension, in which mothers saw their blogs as tools for their personal development, such as writing or technical skills. (Pettigrew et al. 1028)
In contrast to the general belief that mothers should always strive to be ‘good mothers’ in the sense of ‘intensive mothering’, the ‘mommy bloggers’, seeing the value in technology, in this study reported that they especially enjoyed the honest platform on which they could share all their difficulties, while not being pressured to represent ‘a perfect mother’ and, therefore, reclaiming their identity and place in the world. (Pettigrew et al. 1030; Gibson and Hanson 320; Webb and Lee 246, 248-249; McDaniel et al. 1515; Orton-Johnson 2-3) The motherhood represented in ‘mommy blogs’ is diverse and incorporates aspects of isolation and community, joy and torture, and perfection and failure. (Powell 46)
The language of mommy blogs, as of all blogs, is informal and usually narrative. Additionally, humor and irony are important language devices used in mommy blogs adding some levity to often serious topics. (Lopez 734; Orton-Johnson 4) Popular blogs often claim to show a more authentic representation of motherhood being “funny and confessional in tone, characterized by narratives of maternal failing, self-deprecation, and stories of embarrassing or horrible
37 motherhood experiences.” (Orton-Johnson 4) While mommy blogs usually touch upon topics such as the nutrition, behavior and quirks or sleeping habits of the writer’s children, many more topics are addressed, including, popular culture, current events, politics, and any other topic that is of interest to the blogger. (Lopez 734)
It is crucial to understand that there is not ‘one’ motherhood experience; and every woman experiences motherhood in a different way. While one mother finds happiness and fulfilment in caring for her children in all aspects of her life, another might experience it as a source of distress, frustration, disappointment or hostility, going as far as regretting becoming a mother. (Donath 344) Thus, the question remains if it is possible to represent motherhood or not, and if so, this representation will still be partial and imperfect. Nevertheless, it seems that the overwhelming narrative has not even tried to address motherhood in a realistic way. The ‘ideal’ of a mother still being very much the same as it was almost a century ago, but with modern additions put women under even greater pressure, making the gap of expectations and reality even wider. (Maushart xiii, xvi; Bassin et al. 4)
6. Methodology
In the analytical part of this thesis, the representation of exhaustion and excessive demands in parenting magazines in comparison to mommy blogs is analyzed and compared. As magazines usually follow a yearly cycle, it was decided that for this analysis a wide variety of different magazines over a short range of time would not be analyzed, but rather one magazine over the course of a whole year. If there was a specific time of the year in which the focus was put on exhaustion and excessive demands, this might have been missed if only a limited number of issues per year had been selected. Therefore, in this thesis one magazine was compared with one mommy blog over the course of a year. In an effort to keep the results as up to date as possible the complete year of 2018 was selected.
As there is a myriad of parenting magazines available in the United States, circulation was the deciding factor as to which magazine would be used for the analysis. The selected magazine was Parents, because it is the magazine with the greatest circulation in the United States (according to the latest available statistic from 2016) with 2,200,000 copies in 2019. (Parents Magazine 10; Cision Media Research) The magazine was first published in October 1926, and is published monthly. While the title of the magazine suggests that it is geared towards parents,
38 mothers and fathers, an analysis of the readership shows that the vast majority of readers are female. (Parents Magazine 8; Schlossman 66) Even in the first paragraph in the media kit of Parents, in which the mission of the company is summarized, the focus is on mothers, not fathers, stating that, “Parents helps busy moms navigate the uncharted waters of parenthood.” (Parents Magazine 1)
Each issue of the magazine Parents was divided into the sub sections: Kids, Mom, Life and Ages & Stages. In the section ‘Kids’, topics that fall into the category of Kid-ology (see Lalancette and Germains) were discussed. In this category, parenting advice was given that focuses on efficiency and organization, e.g. how to make bath time easier (Weber). In the last part of each magazine, short pieces of information were given on a variety of topics that explained different developments in different stages and gave advice on how to best deal with them. This section, therefore, could also be categorized as belonging to ‘Kid-ology’. The section ‘Mom’ corresponded to the idea of the ‘pampered mother’ from Lalancette and Germains, focusing on beauty and fashion advice. The idea of ‘performing domestic motherhood’ was mostly expressed in the section ‘Life’, in which the reader found recipes and ideas to organize one’s home.
Johnston and Swanson categorized the content of magazines in their 2003 study in articles, advertisements, shorty’s (a short unit of text, less than one full page or texts in boxes), letters or experiences by testimonials, and question-and-answer columns. (Johnston and Swanson, “Invisible Mothers: A Content Analysis of Motherhood Ideologies and Myths in Magazines” 25) This approach was also useful for this thesis. Therefore, the single text units within the magazines were categorized into the above-mentioned sections. The results of the analysis of the magazine articles were then compared to an analysis of articles of mommy blogs.
Similarly, it was decided to choose the most popular mommy blog in the USA. Nevertheless, as it was (and is) impossible to receive a list of all mommy blogs available in the USA, an internet search provided a large number of different mommy blogs. The blogs mentioned most often were then compared with each other using the website analysis tool “Alexa”, provided by Amazon.com. Websites were added and compared until a list of the 10 parenting blogs with the most traffic in the USA was established. It needs to be stated, however, there might be a mommy blog in existence that has higher traffic but was not compared because it was not found by the author of this thesis. The comparison showed that the blog Scary Mommy had by far the highest
39 traffic of all the compared blogs in the USA. It had about 1,200,000 unique visitors in July 2019 and a global rank of 15.544. It was also considered to be a good choice for comparison with Parents magazine (see Figure 2). (Alexa Internet Inc.)
Figure 2: Comparison of traffic of mommy blogs (Alexa Internet Inc.)
Scary Mommy was created in early 2008 by Jill Smokler. It was started as a small personal mommy blog on which she posted articles about her life as a stay-at-home mother. The blog steadily grew and transformed from a personal blog to a collective blog where many different writers contribute. The blog was sold in 2015 to the media company Some Spider and Jill Smokler left Scary Mommy in 2018. In 2017, Forbes magazine named Jill Smokler a top ten parenting influencer. (Smokler; Scary Mommy, “About Us”)
The articles of Scary Mommy did not include any information on when they were published when the analytical part of this thesis was conducted. (In summer 2019, Scary Mommy was relaunched, and the publishing date was added to some entries. The structure, design and layout were also changed slightly.) When looking at the hypertext, however, it could be confirmed that the blog indeed follows a chronological pattern. Therefore, using the publishing date included in the hypertext, all the articles published between 01.01.2018 and 31.12.2018 in each category were used for the analysis.
The basic structure of the blog included the subcategories Read, Confess, Watch, Listen, Shop and Spotted. The category ‘Read’ was further divided into News (including Politics, Social Issues and Women’s Issues), Entertainment, Trending, Pregnancy (including Week-by-Week,
40 Labor & Delivery, Postpartum, Baby Names and Infertility), Kids (including Challenges, Babies, Toddlers, Pre-schoolers, Elementary Years, Tweens, Teens and College & Empty Nest), Parenting (including Motherhood, Loss & Grieving, Miscarriage & Stillbirth, Stay-At- Home-Mom, Working Mom, Single & Step Parenting, Dad Perspective and Adoption & Foster Care), Lifestyle (including Health, Beauty, Body Image, Home, Food and Travel), Sex & Relationships (including Sex, Relationships and Divorce) and Things To Do. Although the blog falls in the category of mommy blogs and therefore mothers are their main target group, Scary Mommy also included a subsection titled ‘Dad Perspective’ with articles written by and for fathers.
As this thesis set out to analyze the differences in representation of blog and magazine articles, the subcategories Watch (including Videos), Listen (including Podcasts), Shop and Spotted were not included in the analysis, because the focus was on the blog articles in the category ‘Read’.
The blog entries on Scary Mommy are personal stories about the experiences of individual mothers. Frequently this fact was highlighted, as well as the fact that every mother and every mother-child combination are different. Due to this, the topics and opinions stated on Scary Mommy vary greatly with authors often expressing that they report their personal experiences, which are in no way exclusively valid for every single mother or child. Barnes incorporated this notion in her article by saying, “It might not work for you. Maybe it will.” (Barnes)
The language in the blog entries of Scary Mommy was in some places highly graphic. Sometimes warnings about the language were given at the beginning of the article. This is because the approach of the majority of these blog articles is to give an opinion in the most honest way, without trying to conceal or sugar-coat anything.
7. Comparison of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Parents and Scary Mommy
In the following analytical part of this thesis, the different aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands represented in Parents and on Scary Mommy are analyzed and compared. Firstly, a quantitative overview of how often the topics were addressed in the media is given. This is followed by a detailed analysis of the aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands, including
41 examples from the magazine and the blog. In the next step, the images used when addressing exhaustion and excessive demands are analyzed and finally a short overview of how these issues are addressed in advertisements is given.
7.1. Quantitative Analysis of the Articles Addressing Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Parents and Scary Mommy
In an effort to establish how often the issues of exhaustion and excessive demands were addressed in Parents and on Scary Mommy, all the articles of the magazines and of Scary Mommy that appeared in the year 2018 were analyzed. Three different categories were created, not-addressing exhaustion and excessive demands (NA for not-addressing), exhaustion and excessive demands were mentioned, but were not the main focus of the article (A for addressing) and articles in which exhaustion and excessive demands were the main point of focus (MA for mainly addressing).
In the magazine Parents, including all forms of text types, 520 pieces of text were analyzed. Of these 520 texts, 66 fell in the category A or MA (12.7 percent) and therefore dealt with the issue of exhaustion and excessive demands in some way. Out of all 520 texts only 3 texts dealt mostly with exhaustion and excessive demands, which equals 0.6 percent of all texts. As mentioned previously, it needs to be kept in mind that the space in a magazine is limited and that article topics are assigned to create a coherent issue (see figure 3).
In comparison, in 2018 there were 5396 text units created on Scary Mommy. Of these 5396 articles, 1010 posts were either a text addressing exhaustion and excessive demands in some way (A) or mostly dealing with exhaustion and excessive demands (MA). This corresponds to 18.7 percent of all articles that in some way dealt with the issue of exhaustion or excessive demands. 527 articles even dealt mostly with the topic of exhaustion and excessive demands. This means that the focus of the piece was on an issue of exhaustion or excessive demand, representing 9.8 percent of all articles (see figure 3).
As this comparison shows, the greatest quantitative difference between the representation in Parents and on Scary Mommy can be seen in the category MA, articles mostly dealing with exhaustion and excessive demands. While only 0.6 percent of all articles in Parents mostly
42 concerned themselves with exhaustion and excessive demands, almost 10 percent of the blogposts on Scary Mommy concerned themselves with exhaustion and excessive demands.
Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in All Articles in Parents Magazine and Scary Mommy 100% 90% 80% 70% 60% 454 (87.3 %) 4386 (81.30 %) 50% 40% 30% 20% 483 (9.00 %) 10% 63 (12.10 %) 527 (9.80 %) 0% 3 (0.60 %) Parents Magazine Scary Mommy
mostly addressing addressing not addressing
Figure 3: Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Articles in Parents Magazine and Scary Mommy
When looking at this comparison, another aspect needs to be addressed. In Parents, as was already found in the theoretical part, news, as well as social issues were not addressed. Indeed, it was found that only one article touched lightly on the subject of political or social issues, as this article highlighted women that were socially and politically active. In this article, a very short paragraph about the work of each of the women was included. However, the focus of the article was put on the personal profile of the women, and not on the topics as such. (LaScala)
On Scary Mommy, on the other hand, the sub sections ‘News’, ‘Social Issues’ and ‘Women’s Issues’ included the most articles of all the categories (1430 articles in total). The news articles on Scary Mommy indeed focused on current events and were closer to reflections on news reports without a focus specifically on women or motherhood itself. It is interesting that only very few articles in Parents included social and political issues – which was already found to be typical for parenting and women magazines (see chapter 4.6.) – while Scary Mommy dedicated an entire section to ‘News’, ‘Social Issues’ and ‘Women’s Issues’. Topics such as the steep costs of childcare (Broadbent, “The Cost Of Daycare Exceeds College Expenses In 28 States”), how to deal with the issue of guns in houses of friends (Downs), as well as how to
43 address issues such as racism, domestic abuse or sexual abuse within a family (e.g. (Shabazz, “How Racism Is Different Than Prejudice”; Dexter; V.) were addressed in this category. In the year 2018, the humanitarian crisis at the border between Mexico and the USA took place, with many children being separated from their parents. This issue was discussed in a great number of articles, e.g. “Immigrant Children Are Being Separated From Their Parents” by Karen Johnson (K. Johnson, “Immigrant Children Are Being Separated From Their Parents”) on Scary Mommy, while it was not mentioned at all in Parents.
The section ‘Social Issues’ on Scary Mommy included an article in which a mother described an interaction with a speech-impaired man in a store. This social encounter prompted the mother to think about her own invisibility in society, as well as in her family: as a mom, I’ve had days where I feel taken for granted. Like, do all the other people in the house know how the laundry gets washed, folded, and put away? Or how cooked food continues to appear on the kitchen table? Or how the paediatrician appointments are always made and the uniforms are always cleaned and the permission slips are always signed and carefully put back into their backpacks? No, they don’t. So much of what I do goes unnoticed, and I often feel like a ghost that passes from room to room in this house, unseen and ignored. (K. Johnson, “What I Realized After An Interaction With A Stranger In The Craft Store”)
In this article, the close connection between motherhood and social issues was highlighted, emphasizing that mothers are not just machines that work for their family, but social beings that interact with other beings and are affected by the world around them. While many of the articles are connected to the topic of family, as some of the main issues in 2018 were the Parkland School Shooting, an active shooter in a high school, the beginning of the separation of immigrant families at the border who file for asylum, and the #metoo movement, only very few of these articles dealt with motherhood itself and thus with the exhaustion and the excessive demands of motherhood.
As these issues were missing completely from Parents, it was decided that another comparison was to be made. The articles from the categories ‘News’, ‘Social Issues’, and ‘Women’s Issues’ were subtracted from the total number of articles to also make a comparison when considering the same contents. When making this comparison 965 of 3921 articles could be put either in the category A or MA, bringing the percentage up to 24.6 percent of articles that address exhaustion and excessive demands either slightly or mainly. From these 965 articles, 506 or 12.9 percent mostly dealt with exhaustion and excessive demands. Here, the difference of the representation
44 of exhaustion and excessive demands in Parents and Scary Mommy became especially visible (see figure 4).
Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Articles in Parents Magazine and Scary Mommy (excluding News, Social Issues and Women's Issues) 100% 90% 80% 70% 60% 2956 (75.40 %) 454 (87.30 %) 50% 40% 30%
20% 459 (11.70 %) 10% 63 (12.10 %) 506 (12.90 %) 0% 3 (0.60 %) Parents Magazine Scary Mommy
mostly addressing addressing not addressing
Figure 4: Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Articles in Parents Magazine and Scary Mommy (excluding News, Social Issues and Women's Issues)
Breaking down the blog Scary Mommy, it was found that in the category ‘Motherhood’, which included 533 articles in total, the ratio of articles which address exhaustion and excessive demands was especially high with 347 articles (65.1 percent) in the categories A and MA. 212 articles (39.8 percent) even dealt specifically with exhaustion and excessive demands (MA).
Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in the Category "Motherhood" on Scary Mommy
35% 40%
25%
mostly addressing addressing not addressing
Figure 5: Distribution of the Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in the Category "Motherhood" on Scary Mommy
45 Considering the number of articles that include an aspect of exhaustion and excessive demands, it needs to be mentioned that only the articles addressing these issues in motherhood, not pregnancy, were included. Nevertheless, articles with aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands when being pregnant for a second, third etc. time were included, when these aspects referred to the difficulty of caring for the other children while being pregnant. These aspects were presented to be more closely connected to motherhood than to the new pregnancy.
It became clear through the above-mentioned numbers that, as was assumed in the hypothesis, exhaustion and excessive demands were indeed much more often addressed and dealt with on blogs, in this case Scary Mommy, than in magazines, such as Parents.
7.2. Qualitative analysis of the articles addressing exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood in Parents and Scary Mommy
In the following, notions and aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands are discussed by comparing the representation of them in Parents and on Scary Mommy.
Mission Statements
Parents When comparing the mission statements of both Parents and Scary Mommy, great differences could be seen in the tone that was used. The mission statement of Parents read: Parents helps busy moms navigate the uncharted waters of parenthood. Each month we offer trusted content with a familiar, understanding voice. We empower today’s parents to make the best decisions for their families about health, discipline, nutrition and more. Parents connects with readers on an emotional level, recognizing the wins and the fails with humor. We cover the bright threads in the fabric of our readers’ lives, highlighting moments big and small, and celebrating the joy of raising healthy, happy kids. (Parents Magazine 1)
In this mission statement, the focus was clearly put on a positive outlook on motherhood. Words and phrases that could be seen as expressing exhaustion and excessive demands are for example “busy moms”, “uncharted waters of parenthood”, “recognizing the wins and the fails with humor”. (Parents Magazine 1) These words and phrases give a soft and romanticized outlook on motherhood. The focus in this statement was, as was suggested above, the function of the magazine as a manual for mothers to make “the best decisions for their families about health, discipline, nutrition and more”. (Parents Magazine 1) The last sentence of the statement further
46 emphasized that the focus was on celebrating the “bright threads”, the “highlighting moments” and the “joy” (Parents Magazine 1) of motherhood.
Scary Mommy In comparison, the mission statement of Scary Mommy, found on the page “About Us” included the following paragraph: We are the history makers and the memory keepers. We are the snot catchers and the ass wipers. We’ve seen it all, heard it all, and smelled it all, but we wouldn’t have it any other way. We are millions of unique women, united by motherhood. We are scary, and we are proud. (Scary Mommy, “About Us”)
While the mission statement of Parents was written in third person, seeing Parents on the one side and the readers on the other side, Scary Mommy highlighted the aspect of community by frequently using the pronoun ‘we’, thus including the readers. In this statement, a few aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands were included, e.g. “snot-catchers”, “ass wipers”, “we’ve seen it all, heard it all, and smelled it all”. (Scary Mommy, “About Us”) The language used does not aim to romanticize. In a very straightforward way aspects of parenthood that are considered exhausting, uncomfortable, or undesirable were mentioned. Furthermore, it can be seen that the language used was highly informal (e.g. “snot catchers” and “ass wipers”). (Scary Mommy, “About Us”) This type of language, including slang and swear words, was frequently used in many articles on Scary Mommy, sometimes using asterisks (*) to censor words.
Cover
Parents Ten of the twelve covers of Parents showed mothers with their children, except for the January edition, which showed a girl, and the June edition, which also included the father in the family picture. The April edition, for example, was titled “The Imperfection Issue”, conveying that the articles in this issue dealt with the difficulties of parenthood. The cover showed Jenny Mollen, an American actress and author with her children. It was obvious that the image was created for this specific purpose in a studio environment. A scene of chaos was created with toys and snacks lying around on the floor, and Mollen is seen holding her baby with one arm and a bottle and a shoe in her other arm, while her toddler empties the contents of a boot on the baby. (see figure 6). While the image was clearly supposed to show a chaotic scene, Mollen herself was styled perfectly with full make-up and trendy clothing and a positive expression with a smile. 47 Furthermore, the surrounding area was color coordinated. This was found to be typical for images in magazines by Douglas and Michaels, Luke, and Lupton. (Douglas and Michaels 304– 05; Luke 290; Lupton et al. 737)
Additionally, the cover included a few headlines e.g. “Life Is Messy (And That’s A Good Thing!)”, further highlighting the main topic of the issue. (“Cover”) Most of the other covers portrayed a woman with children smiling in a relaxed pose seemingly depicting a portrait-like photo than a specific situation which, for example, can be seen in on the May edition (see figure 7).
Figure 6: Cover of April Issue (“Cover”) Figure 7: Cover of May Issue(“Cover”)
Scary Mommy As previously mentioned, Scary Mommy changed its structure while this thesis was being written. As a result, the homepage was also changed. The old homepage showed mostly studio pictures of women, often linking to the shop, or seasonal pictures (see figure 8). The homepage in June 2019 included the statement “Own Motherhood. A curated collection for women doing the hardest job in the world. And owning it.” (Scary Mommy, “Homepage June 2019”) Therefore, on the first page of the website, the hardship of motherhood was already addressed, calling it the “hardest job in the world” (Scary Mommy, “Homepage June 2019”)
The design was changed shortly afterwards, and now the homepage of the blog is an enlarged image that accompanies the most recent blog article with a link to the article, followed by the newest articles in chronological order (see figure 9).
48
Figure 8: Homepage of Scary Mommy Figure 9: Homepage of Scary Mommy in September 2019 in June 2019 (Scary Mommy, “Homepage June 2019”) (Scary Mommy, “Homepage September 2019”)
Additional demands and workload
Parents In Parents, issues of excessive demands and exhaustion are frequently included as small talking points in paragraphs, with no real emphasis on them. An example for this can be seen in the editorial note of the January issue, in which the editor has an imagined conversation with her younger self about the additional demands of getting pets to please your children: Although you don’t know it yet, becoming a mother makes your heart grow so big that you won’t mind vacuuming every day. […] Your life will become a zoo, but that’s the way you will like it. Just give in. Accept the extra mess, Liz, ignore the noise, and delegate the cage-cleaning. (Vaccariello, “From My Animal House To Yours” 4)
While this paragraph addresses excessive demands (having to vacuum every day, having extra mess in one’s life), the notion it left the reader with is a positive one. This is because the additional workload is downplayed as something one would gladly do for the happiness of their children.
In a few articles, though, exhaustion and excessive demands are brought to the forefront. In the article “The Day We Stayed Home” in the September issue, for example, a mother expresses the pressure she felt by friends and family to keep active with her new-born, e.g. going for walks, mommy-baby classes, or visiting friends. When her baby was born, she realized her time was limited. Her son, having colic, only stopped screaming when he slept in her arms, never sleeping for a longer stretch of more than two hours. Nevertheless, she followed the advice to leave the house at least once every day, but realized this did not bring the benefit she hoped it would. She wrote, “[…] slowly, I became more tired, more worried about driving [due to being sleep deprived], and more consumed with anger at my baby. He was so unhelpful, and so much grumpier and less sleepy than other babies seemed to be.” (Milne) As mentioned in chapter
49 3.4., the child’s temperament does indeed have an influence on the well-being of mothers and can contribute to feelings of exhaustion. Milne concludes her article by accepting that: taking care of this baby was the only thing I was doing that truly mattered. […] I set a new goal for my days and came up with new answers for my husband at the end of them. What did I do today? Today, I fed the baby. I changed the baby. I played with the baby. Today, the baby had a nap. Today, I kept the baby alive for another day. It’s a big job – and I did it. (Milne)
Exhaustion and excessive demands are addressed clearly and in a straightforward manner in this article and Milne encourages readers not to listen to advice from others, but to follow their own instincts and take a step back when feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Self-care and self-preservation are highlighted, as well as lowering one’s own expectations and not letting oneself be suppressed and influenced by the expectations of others.
In other articles in Parents, exhaustion and excessive demands of mothers are not explicitly mentioned but are implied. These articles mostly offer different, seemingly easy, solutions and give ‘how to’ suggestions, e.g. ways how to get children to do something without too much of a struggle (W. L. Hunter) or how baby-led weaning works. In the latter, the following comment is included, “[p]lus, you won’t have to buy little jars of food or spend time blending, freezing, and defrosting homemade baby food. #momwin” (Helwig 38) The hashtag #momwin points to the assumption that typically, mothers are solely responsible for the time consuming processes connected to feeding infants. Similarly, the article “Outsmart These Nap Traps” mentions the importance of naps not only for children, but also for parents. In the first few lines of the article, they highlight this by saying, “[y]our little one’s naps are your bliss, too – at least some time to power through bills, catch up on email, grab a shower, or close your own eyes. But just as you’re patting yourself on the back for getting the routine down, bam! You hear that Muppet voice calling, ‘I not tired!’” (Goldman 44) Goldman implies that naptime is one of the few timespans that parents can use to get household activities done, because many of these tasks cannot be done while caring for children at the same time. While excessive demands are addressed in this section, it is only done in a small phrase, and the rest of the article does not mention the exhaustion of parents.
The May issue also deals with the additional problems faced when mothers themselves are sick. This article speaks honestly about the difficulties of being sick when caring for children, especially infants, for example: […] I’ve taken exactly one real sick day, and even then, between the bouts of barfing and sleeping, I still had to nurse a 4-month-old every few hours. Don’t get me wrong: I’ve had plenty of nasty bugs since then. In fact, I’m feeling crappy right now – six 50 days into a whopper of a cold […]. But like so many parents, if I’m anywhere on the sick spectrum other than ‘almost dead’, I don’t shirk my mom duties to binge-watch Younger. Instead I power through our normal routine and wind up, well, worse. (Janes 76)
This article is a rare example of addressing the exhaustion a mother can feel, with the great limitation, however, that exhaustion in general is not dealt with, but the extreme situation of mothers being sick. In this article, the focus is on how to find simple games, activities, and tricks to keep children occupied when mothers get sick. Nevertheless, the title picture used for this article is highly exaggerated and does not seem realistic (see figure 10). (Janes 76)
Figure 10: Title photo of the article "One Sick Mama" Scary Mommy (Janes 76) The added workload after a child is born was mentioned in great detail in many articles on Scary Mommy. Laura Bower, for example, writes, “raising toddlers is really, really exhausting. No, I’m not just really tired, I’m exhausted. I’m emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted” (Bower). Team Scary Mommy touches upon this topic stating that “here’s a secret: Literally every part of parenting your kids is hard. Newborns don’t corner the market on adorably exhausting.” (Team Scary Mommy, “5 Things You'll Actually Miss About Having A Newborn”) Karen Johnson expresses her exhaustion and her dread of bedtime by stating that, “[s]ome nights there is just nothing left in my motherhood cup. Some nights it’s 8:46 and I’ve been on call for damn-near 16 hours. 16 hours straight of Mommy can you wipe me… and Mommy can you play with me and Mommy I’m hungry […]…Some nights Mommy is all done.” (K. Johnson, “Why I F*cking Hate Bedtime”)
The exhaustion while being pregnant for the second, third, fourth, etc. time is considerably higher, because the mother must care for another child, or children, while being pregnant, which by itself is highly exhausting. This is dealt with in a variety of articles, e.g. “This is the Struggle of Being Pregnant With Little Kids in Tow” (Templeton), “10 Things To Say To A Very Pregnant Woman To Trigger Immediate Rage” (Meller), “10 Truths Of Being Pregnant While Chasing After A Toddler” (K. Johnson, “10 Truths Of Being Pregnant While Chasing After A Toddler”), “Stop Complaining If People Have Baby Showers For Every Baby” (Bingham-
51 Smith, “Stop Complaining If People Have Baby Showers For Every Baby”), or “Why The Third Pregnancy Is No Freaking Joke” (Wilkening). Karen Johnson, for example, wrote: You’re too tired to fight the toddler and/or make a different meal for yourself, so hopefully that little bugger in there likes cold half-eaten chicken nuggets. […] Remember your first pregnancy when you’d be tired and could nap after work or on a Saturday? HA! Now, if you’re drop-dead exhausted, the best you can hope for is that your squirrelly toddler will sit their little butt down in front of Peppa Pig for 20 minutes so you can rest your eyes and hope to God they don’t climb into the oven or run outside into traffic. […] You know now exactly what you’ll need, and it isn’t a stuffy baby shower with games that involve baby food jars and guessing when you’re going to pop out a kid. It’s a housekeeper, a babysitter, and a personal chef, thanks. (K. Johnson, “10 Truths Of Being Pregnant While Chasing After A Toddler”)
Templeton writes about a similar situation: You may be literally falling asleep standing up, or struggling to keep your face out of the porcelain throne, but none of that matters – you’ve got butts to wipe and grapes to cut into teeny pieces, damn it. […] It’s like running a marathon, only when you get tired someone chases you with a club. The laundry pile just keeps piling, people keep needing to be fed and cleaned, and the world – the one that, during your first pregnancy, would practically stop turning so you could put yourself first – keeps going on. […] You’ll get through it, because you’re a mom, and moms are just naturally badass. (Templeton)
In contrast to Parents, exhaustion and excessive demands are highlighted in these articles, and they do not focus solely on positive aspects. The authors express their feelings of frustration in a seemingly honest and open way, concentrating on different experiences and the difficulties of dealing with every-day situations. There is no effort being made to romanticize aspects of motherhood, but to the contrary, the stress and exhaustion that comes with motherhood is underlined and addressed in great detail. A graphic and detailed language is used to accentuate the exhaustion that mothers experience, not concealing them or deflecting from them. This is in stark contrast to the way exhaustion and excessive demands are represented in the analyzed issues of Parents.
A technique that is frequently used by many bloggers in connection with excessive demands and exhaustion, is listing the most tedious activities in motherhood as examples. Christina Freeman does this in her article that proposed making a post-birth plan: You know you’ll be changing diapers, potty training, chasing toddlers, and running 14 errands before school pick up. You know you’ll be cleaning the kitchen and cooking 5 times a day because they are always hungry and you have to feed them; you know you’ll be cleaning up messes, organizing toys, then spending hours with garbage bags trying to sneak toys out of the house. You know you’ll be making lunches, cleaning the kitchen, and then going to work and scheduling doctor appointments and the plumber on your lunch break. After work you will come home to dinner, baths, books, cuddles, and likely more work after everyone is in bed. (Freeman, “Why Every Mom Needs A POST-Birth Plan”)
52 Likewise, an article by Valerie Williams concentrates on the tediousness of housework and the fact that it is never finished (see chapter 3.3.). She writes: If a man isn’t terribly intelligent, he might arrive home to a messy house and ask his wife, ‘What did you do all day?’ It’s a dangerous question, because anyone who’s stayed at home with kids probably struggles to get any chores done. It’s so easy to be home from dawn until dusk, doing things all day, but never completing any of them. (Williams, “Mom's Viral Post Nails Why It's So Damn Hard To Get Housework Done With Kids Around”)
She comments on a social media post by Jordan Harrel, a stay-at-home mom of three children, in which Harrel writes, “’Nothing is ever clean. My life is just a constant state of doing and never completing. […].’” (Williams, “Mom's Viral Post Nails Why It's So Damn Hard To Get Housework Done With Kids Around”) This feeling of never being able to actually finish work at home is strongly supported by studies already discussed previously (see chapter 3.3). As most of the work must be redone constantly with children contributing a great amount of additional work, it might seem that no work is being done, while actually, a whole day is spent with highly exhausting and tedious work. As this work is mostly done at home while taking care of children, it is often unseen and unrepresented, thus creating the idea of it not existing and mothers struggling with a misrepresentation of their daily activities. Bloggers, such as Williams, reflect on the many additional tasks that motherhood brings and how difficult they might be to endure.
Similarly, in a blog post titled “Moms Are Tired AF Superheroes Who Need Help”, Kristen Mae discusses the endlessness of a mother’s work. She underlines that not only mothers of small children carry a heavy load, but mothers of children of all ages experience exhaustion and excessive demands. Mae goes on to explain the time crunch mothers are often in and the endless tasks waiting for them by saying, “[h]ow many times have you made it the end of an unbelievably busy day, looked around at your trashed house, and wondered how the fuck it looks like absolutely nothing got done?”. (Mae) Mae indicates that the working status of a mother does not change the exhaustion, as she remembered from her own experiences explaining, “[s]taying home with my firstborn to be a fulltime mom, I was so exhausted I was on the verge of hallucinating, literally weeping and praying to God for just a few minutes of sleep.” (Mae) When Mae started working again a year later, she was “only trading one brand of tired for another.” (Mae)
Another example for the technique of listing housework tasks is the blog post by Alexis Petru: It’s 4.50 p.m. on a Wednesday, and this is the scene at my house: I’m madly rushing to finish up cooking dinner, while tripping on my 1-year-old who, [has] thrown herself at my feet. Meanwhile, the 5-year-old is bemoaning his starvation, despite
53 the fact that he had a snack an hour ago […]. I slam their food on the table […], but I won’t be sitting down with my kids to eat tonight. Sure, I may plop down in exhaustion on the chair next to my son, but I’ll be up in three minutes, cleaning up spilled milk from my kindergartener or thrown food from the toddler. (Petru)
The tedious and repetitive character of housework (see chapter 3.3.) is also pointed out by Elizabeth Broadbent in a blog post. In this, she states her frustration with her spouse and her children since, in addition to the everyday ‘big chores’ that she has to do but does not mind doing, many tasks are added by the other members of her family, due to their inconsiderate behavior (e.g. not putting items back after using them). She then includes a metaphor for the self-sacrificing nature of motherhood, comparing it to great cathedrals where the names of the architects of them are still known, but the names of the many laborers that actually built them are forgotten. Broadbent voices her frustration stating that she does not mind doing the tasks, but that at some point, it would be important for her to receive some kind of acknowledgement for it. She feels that her family is completely oblivious to her doing these tasks, stating that, “[t]he bulk of my day is unseen, with no one to tell about it. Is this what it means to be a mother? Is this what it means to love? Because – and I’m going to be completely honest here – this part sucks ass.” (Broadbent, “What It Feels Like When No One Notices”) As discussed previously in chapter 3.3., childcare and household tasks are often overlooked and remain unseen by other family members and society as a whole.
Amy Westervelt, a self-employed mother of two has, according to her blog post, taken off one single day to give birth and started working again on the next day. In her post, she shares pictures of her house showing heaps of dirty laundry, as well as bags with dirty diapers (see figure 11). Throughout the article, Westervelt emphasizes that she is not a struggling single mother or a mother coming from a low-income household, but that she is simply a working mother in the United States of America who was geared toward the ideology that Figure 11: Image of dirty laundry and dirty diaper she should want to ‘have it all’. She shares her views bags (Westervelt) about this concept stating that, “[t]his whole ‘having it all’ business has been grossly misinterpreted by our society at large. The purpose […] was to give woman choices. Doing all of it at the same time was never the idea.” (Westervelt) She then explains her idea on the view society has of women today:
54 You not only can but should have a career and children, because if you don’t, you’re basically (1) lazy, (2) weak, and/or (3) not a real woman. But also, you should do it without any support. Without government-paid maternity leave […], without too much child care […] or falling behind on the job […]. Without too much help from your husband […] (Westervelt)
Westervelt goes on to criticize the current situation in the United States of America, stating that her blog post is “a call for society in general to do better.” (Westervelt) She demands to: cut it out with the fairy tales already. Stop telling women they can have everything without sacrificing anything. Here’s the truth: You want to have a career and kids? You totally can, but both will suffer. […] You will never feel like you are good enough at either. You will never get time off (at least for the first several years). You will always be choosing between things that need your attention, and you will almost never choose yourself. You will be judged for nearly every move you make, and you will never measure up to anyone else’s expectations. (Westervelt)
In an authentic and intense way, Westervelt addresses a number of core issues that mothers face, especially in the United States of America. The idea of ‘perfect’ mothers who ‘have it all’ is represented as highly unhealthy and problematic, putting mothers under unnecessary pressure in a situation which, in itself, is by nature an extreme situation that mothers often feel they are not prepared for (see chapter 2.2 and 4.6.).
Meller expresses feeling undervalued and not appreciated, especially by her husband. After her husband had asked her why she was so tired all the time, she states : [w]hat I was really thinking (and did say!): ‘Is that even a real fucking question? I have a demanding full time job that luckily I get paid for, and an even more demanding, full-time, thankless and unpaid job taking care of the cooking, bills, laundry, and our entire household; our 5-year-old; our dog; and in many cases YOU all while facilitating the growth of HUMAN LIFE. What did you do today? Go to work, come home, and watch football on the couch? TODAY MY BODY GREW A HUMAN BRAIN!’ (Meller)
A very specific aspect connected to the additional workload in motherhood is breastfeeding. The traditional representation of breastfeeding mothers, used in magazines and even in art, depicts a highly romanticized version of breastfeeding. It shows happy mothers nursing their smiling babies, showing the act of breastfeeding as the ultimate ‘natural’ way to bond with a child, that is solely accessible only to women. The representation of breastfeeding as a hard and painful task is widely missing in society and popular culture, as well as in parenting magazines. The problems and difficulties with breastfeeding are manifold, nevertheless this topic often remains under-addressed or even completely unaddressed in society and mainstream media.
This can be seen in the comparison of Parents and Scary Mommy. In Parents, breastfeeding is addressed in a trivial way, focusing on surrounding circumstances, such as the process of 55 cleaning pumping equipment or consumer products connected to breastfeeding (see also chapter 8). In contrast, on Scary Mommy, the previously mentioned traditional misrepresentation of breastfeeding is underlined with women voicing their struggles with breastfeeding, as well as their frustration with the romanticized view of breastfeeding. Esther Hallmeyer, for example, writes: Like many expectant mothers, I was excited about the idea of breastfeeding my baby. […] It also seemed like the most easy, healthy, and natural way to feed him. But what I didn’t anticipate was how it would end up being one of the most difficult and emotionally draining experiences I’ve ever gone through. (Hallmeyer)
Although the difficulties of breastfeeding are rarely discussed in public, most people vehemently support the opinion that women ‘are supposed’ to breastfeed, conveying feelings of failure to women should they choose not to breastfeed. Ericka Andersen states on this topic: ’Breast is best’ was seared into my brain and I didn’t even know where it first came from. […] The phrase no one thought to insert into the new mother breastfeeding manual, though, were ones like these: ‘Hard as hell.’ or this one: ‘Knives to your nipples.’[…] I cried in his rocking chair, occasionally moaning in pain as that first hot flash of sucking sunk into my nipple like a vampire’s bite. […] I was in pain, bleeding, exhausted, and desperate. […] After about 10 weeks of breastfeeding- turned-pumping discontent and struggle, I switched fully to formula feeding. I never lost a bonding experience (in fact, I felt closer to him when I wasn’t obsessing about that darn milk) and was much happier, as the anxiety decreased, and I could focus on being the best mom I could be. Out went the crying or stressing about breastfeeding. I. WAS. FREE.” (E. Anderson)
Similarly, Jaffe writes, “I had it stuck in my head that breastfeeding was the only way, and a big part of this is the pressure that society places on us, as well as the pressure we women place on ourselves to be the ‘perfect mother.’” (Jaffe) Anderson, as well as Jaffe, express the pressure they felt upon them from society and how trapped they felt by the assumption that a mother ‘has to breastfeed’. Anderson especially describes in great detail the pain she felt when breastfeeding and how it hindered her from having a happy bonding experience with her child. Other blog posts dealing with the difficulties of breastfeeding and the feelings that are experienced due to these struggles, are for example “I Felt Ashamed For Hating Breastfeeding” (Fortin), “To The Mom In Cluster Feeding Hell” (Wisner, “To The Mom In Cluster Feeding Hell”) or “10 Pregnancy And Childbirth Struggles I Wish I Could Skip The Second Time Around” (Meadows-Fernandez, “10 Pregnancy And Childbirth Struggles I Wish I Could Skip The Second Time Around”).
One of the greatest contributors to feeling exhausted in motherhood is sleep deprivation. Again, while this issue is not dealt with in Parents, it is frequently approached in an open, straight
56 forward way on Scary Mommy. An example for this is the article “10 Pregnancy And Childbirth Struggles I Wish I Could Skip The Second Time Around” in which Meadows-Fernandez writes, “I vaguely remember being a mombie – never really asleep but I was never really awake either – for the first six months of my son’s life.” (Meadows-Fernandez, “10 Pregnancy And Childbirth Struggles I Wish I Could Skip The Second Time Around”)
While exhaustion and excessive demands were frequently dealt with in Scary Mommy, some articles also try to give support by highlighting positive aspects of exhausting situations. For example, the article “5 Things You’ll Actually Miss About Having A Newborn” states that, “[y]our newborn can’t move. This is the be all, end all perk of a newborn. Nothing, nada, nope your new newborn isn’t going anywhere – and it’s freaking glorious! […] Yes, babies are exhausting, but this stuff, eventually, you’ll miss.” (Team Scary Mommy, “5 Things You'll Actually Miss About Having A Newborn”) Similarly, articles about missing breastfeeding after some time (Ware), admirable characteristics of their children (Palutis), or the indescribably amount of love that one feels for their children (Smith, “This Is What Life Is Like With 2 Sets Of Twins”) underline the positive aspects of motherhood.
An article by Christine Burke, touches upon a variety of issues of exhaustion and excessive demands. Burke uses an interesting writing style, writing completely in a second person narrative. This article is an inner monologue of a mother, reflecting on many different challenging aspects of motherhood: You stare out the window and wonder how you got here. […] the dishes are piled up, smelling of soured milk and discarded oat cereal, breakfast long since forgotten. The lunch dishes are smeared with ketchup and remnants of the chicken nuggets your toddler demanded and then refused. The buzzer of the dryer breaks you from your reverie and you sigh. The laundry never ends. The house is never quiet. […]. (Burke)
Burke’s style can even be described as poetic, as she goes on: You sigh wistfully as you catch a glimpse of the tired eyes staring back at you in the window that is smeared with fingerprints. […] [Y]ou feel on the edge of tears. You chastise yourself because you wanted this life and the guilt of realizing that stay-at- home motherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be washes over you like waves crashing on the shore. You silently bear the sting of loneliness and isolation, spending your days with humans under 4-feet tall is harder than you expected. So much harder. (Burke)
Burke addresses her personal feelings of devastation, loneliness, and isolation, as well as her frustration with the never-ending tasks and the exhaustion that child rearing brings. Furthermore, she includes her frustration with the misrepresentation of motherhood as she states
57 that her expectations of being a stay-at-home mother were very different from reality. (see chapter 2.2, 3.2. and 4.6.).
Burke, furthermore, includes her frustration on never having time for herself. She states, “[t]here is never a reprieve from the chaos. There is never time to read a book, enjoy a quiet glass of wine, or simply lie on a chaise longue and have the sun kiss your face. You miss your old life, the life before kids and stretch marks and college funds. […]” (Burke) Burke paints a picture, including scenes from her life before having children, longingly thinking of them as a way of representing her desperation about not having any time for herself. This paragraph touches upon the topic of the severe reduction of leisure time, especially adult leisure time that was previously discussed in chapter 3.3.
Burke also adds a short paragraph on her feelings of isolation and being misunderstood by society: You look at yourself in the grimy window and share a quiet moment with the only person who understands just how tired you really are these days. The eyes looking back at you plead for an answer, some sign that it’s all going to be okay. A signal that she will survive this journey. You look at her and tell her that it’s okay to feel this way. You tell her to be kind to herself. […] You simply remind her that her break will come. You tell her that she will feel rested again. Someday. And you tell her that she’s doing a great job. Even if no one else says it out loud.” (Burke)
Although the article is addressed directly to other mothers and written in a second person narrative, it is clear Burke spoke from her own experiences. She paints motherhood in a very gloomy light, focusing on aspects of isolation, exhaustion, and a feeling of being overwhelmed and alone within her desperate situation.
As can be seen, the additional workload and the repercussions that come along with motherhood were discussed in length on Scary Mommy, with only a few examples given here. Many blog posts openly discussed issues of exhaustion and excessive demands using a personal, honest, and sometimes even graphic language to describe their tasks, as well as their feelings about these tasks in great detail. Women wrote about their own experiences, sharing them with the readers, therefore, admitting to their own shortcomings and trying to support other women in similar situations.
In contrast, very few articles in Parents dealt with issues of exhaustion and excessive demands. These issues were mostly addressed in short comments that ultimately led to more positive
58 aspects of motherhood. There were a few articles (3) that mainly focused on exhaustion and excessive demands. Nevertheless, even in these articles, the topic was touched upon only moderately, and not discussed as thoroughly or as openly as in any of the articles on Scary Mommy. Furthermore, all articles in Parents ended on a positive remark, not leaving the reader with a negative feeling about motherhood.
Solidarity and Support
Parents In the year 2018, the topic of solidarity and support was mostly addressed in Parents in connection with anxiety and postpartum depression. An example for this is the editor’s note in the March issue. The cover story of the issue is about a personal trainer, Massy Arias, who became a mother and openly spoke about negative feelings she developed in motherhood. In the editor’s note, Vaccariello emphasizes the normality of these feelings by sharing her own, similar experience: In those first months as a mom, she [Massy Arias] began to write about another side of herself. She posted about how her finely honed equilibrium shifted and how vulnerable and anxious this made her feel. I remember feeling that way, too, and to see a woman this strong openly discuss her struggles with anxiety and sense of self was such validation. Leading by example, she shows all of us how to recognize our lows, ask for help, and get to work surviving and thriving. (Vaccariello, “Making Magazines and Muscles”)
As Vaccariello comments, the new experiences of motherhood changed Arias’ “finely honed equilibrium” (Vaccariello, “Making Magazines and Muscles”), contributing to feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. Vaccariello takes the chance to include her own experiences, admitting to struggles with anxiety in motherhood and establishing a feeling of community with her readers. She praises Arias for her openness, highlighting the importance of a more open discussion of these issues. In this paragraph, Parents touches upon the topic of misrepresentation of motherhood that often prevents people from talking about their problems or asking for and accepting help. The issue is addressed in a somber and serious tone, focusing mostly on the strength and openness of Arias.
In this March issue of Parents, an article called “Anxiety on Board” is included. In it, a mother writes about her experiences with postpartum anxiety. The article is introduced with the paragraph, “It’s totally normal for new moms to feel both #blessed and #stressed. But if your worries are spiraling out of control, reach out for help.” (King Lindley 66) The language used
59 in this paragraph, although introducing an article with a serious and difficult issue, is quite colloquial, including hashtags and phrases such as ‘it’s totally normal’. In the article, the author openly speaks about postpartum anxiety, which she, as well as 17 percent of all mothers, suffers from. She describes feeling helpless, as well as surprised by how challenging motherhood was. Especially after the bliss of the first days and weeks of having a child fades. (King Lindley 66) King Lindley goes on to express her desperation and her decision to see a doctor, who, after talking to her, prescribes her antidepressants that immediately help her. King Lindley cites a professor of psychiatry, who addresses the issue of shame that some mothers with postpartum anxiety experience. They believe that they cannot cope with motherhood as well as other mothers. A distinction is made between “normal mom jitters” (King Lindley 68) and “postpartum anxiety” (King Lindley 68), the latter being so severe that it can immobilize mothers and deeply affect the way they feel about their child, with worry and fear being the dominant thoughts throughout the day. She adds, “motherhood is now more burdensome than ever. ‘There is so much pressure on moms to do things perfectly. But having a baby is a messy, stressful time […]’”. (King Lindley 68)
While the article addresses postpartum anxiety and encourages women to speak out about their anxieties, and to not shy away from accepting help and taking medication, it does not focus on the ‘normal’ daily stress that motherhood brings. The daily stress is briefly mentioned as a side note, something that is clear to everybody, being in stark contrast to research found about preparedness of new parents. (see chapter 3.2.). (King Lindley 68–70) The article, furthermore, touches upon the assumption that motherhood today is more burdensome than some time ago (see chapter 2.2 and 3.5.). As the article focuses on anxiety, the topic of medication is also dealt with. King Lindley tries to reduce the stigma of anti-depressant medication, encouraging mothers to also take up professional medical help if the stress and anxiety becomes too much to deal with on their own. Nevertheless, the article concentrates on the medical aspects of anti- depressants and the stigma that goes along with taking medication, not on the stress of motherhood.
Scary Mommy The call for solidarity and support is prevalent in many blog posts on Scary Mommy. Similar to Parents, one way solidarity and support are addressed is in connection to postpartum anxiety and depression. Desiree Fortin, for example, writes, “[w]hen the babies were three months old, I finally saw my doctor to seek help for my postpartum anxiety and depression. It was one of
60 the hardest steps, but the best thing I could have done for myself. I needed help. I was exhausted, in a depression, and not my normal self.” (Fortin) The difficulty of admitting and accepting that one suffers from depression or anxiety is brought to the foreground in her post. As Fortin writes about her own experiences, a feeling of solidarity is established with the reader. Fortin encourages her readers to address their struggles and overcome their feelings of insufficiency by seeking for and accepting help.
Another blog post states, “[w]omen are socialized to not ask for help even when they need it, or to downplay when they aren’t doing well. And as new mothers, they often want to hide any unhappiness or blame symptoms on their fatigue. Sometimes we have to listen a little more closely for cries for help.” (Aswell, “'She Told You': Mom's Powerful Post About Signs Of PPD Goes Viral”) As was discussed in chapters 2.1., 3.2., and 4.7., society ‘punishes’ mothers if they do not conform to the expectations of an always happy, always organized, and always smiling mother, seeing this as a form of ‘failure’ in a woman. This pressure to fulfil society’s expectations can create a barrier for women, thus making it harder to admit suffering from depression or anxiety. The blog posts highlight that while many mothers need help in dealing with anxiety or postpartum depression, a great number of them are too ashamed to ask for help, out of fear of being seen as a failing mother. It seems that the misrepresentation of these issues in the past decades, has made it extremely difficult for mothers to ask for help without feeling like they do not live up to social expectations.
In the article, “How ‘Circle Talk’ Might Improve Maternal and Infant Health”, the importance of talking about maternal and infant health, leading to a positive impact on self-awareness and the mood are discussed. This can even lower the risk and impact of anxiety and depression. (Meadows-Fernandez, “How 'Circle Talk' Might Improve Maternal And Infant Health”) In this context, Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez comments on the health care system in the United States. He says, it almost exclusively focusses on the health of the baby but tends to overlook the health of the mother, even though it was found that stress, comfort, and past experiences affect the health of both mother and child (see chapter 3.4.).
A large variety of aspects of support and solidarity in motherhood are discussed on Scary Mommy. Many of them connected to the challenges of everyday life. Wendy Wisner, for example, writes about the difficulties of having a baby that does not stop crying, “[a]lmost every parent has been there. […] If you have been in the exact situation with your baby, it turns out
61 you are far from alone (and please, let’s reassure all new moms that this kind of thing is normal!)” (Wisner, “There's A Reason Babies Stop Crying When You Stand Up”) Wisner seems to ‘rally’ other mothers, creating a community that, as a whole, should support ‘new members’ by reassuring them that it is absolutely normal that motherhood, in this case a crying baby, is difficult. Negative experiences should not be seen as shortcomings of an individual person (a ‘bad mother’), but rather as normal instances in motherhood that are experienced by many women every day.
Solidarity and support are key elements in many of Wisner’s blog articles. In another one she states: I remember when I was struggling with breastfeeding, one of the things that kept me going was hearing inspirational and relatable stories from other breastfeeding moms. Moms who overcame breastfeeding struggles. Moms who juggled breastfeeding with work and a million other responsibilities. Moms who found communities to support them. Moms who told breastfeeding critics to eff off. (Wisner, “5 Powerful Breastfeeding Stories For World Breastfeeding Week”)
Again, Wisner states the importance of solidarity and support within the community of mothers. She emphasizes this by sharing her own experiences and stresses the importance that supporting stories of other mothers had for her.
Jorrie Varney, another author on Scary Mommy, considers the issue of fading support soon after a baby is born. She emphasizes that new mothers especially need support, but also that mothers never stop needing support, no matter how old their children are. (Varney, “Moms Never Stop Needing Support, We Just Don't Talk About It”) Varney adds that especially in difficult phases of motherhood mothers need, “someone to tell us we are doing amazing. Someone to encourage us, to make us laugh through our tears, to remind us that we are only human, and everyone deserves grace. We need someone to pick us up and set us gently back on our feet, so tomorrow, we can try again.” (Varney, “Moms Never Stop Needing Support, We Just Don't Talk About It”) On the same aspect, Ashleigh Wilkening and Wendy Wisner criticize people who are often happy to offer their support while someone is pregnant or in the early phases of having their first child, but that this support diminishes soon afterwards, emphasizing that paradoxically this would be the time that help is mostly needed. (Wisner, “Why We Should Ditch Baby Showers, And Throw New Moms A Postpartum Party Instead”; Wilkening)
The need for support when having children is also conveyed through the old saying, ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ This famous expression is mentioned in quite a few articles on Scary
62 Mommy, for example, in “Here’s 6 Ways To Make Your Life Easier As A New Mom Because Fed Is What Counts” (Team Scary Mommy, “Here's 6 Ways To Make Your Life Easier As A New Mom Because Fed Is What Counts”) or an article titled “American Families Deserve Better After Having A Baby”.
Alexie Flook and Wendy Wisner also focus on another aspect of support, the economic support of the government. Flook explains the added difficulties that mothers in the USA face, because they have very limited options in terms of maternity leave, as well as affordable childcare and medical aid (see chapter 3.5.). The blog post emphasizes the lack of governmental support American families have, especially compared to families in Great Britain. (Flook) This topic is not reflected on in any article in Parents in 2018, even though it can be assumed that these circumstances add tremendous emotional and financial pressure on families, especially mothers. Wisner emphasizes the role that patriarchy plays in this as for example, it would not be expected from a man to return to work without an appropriate recovery time after a procedure, but it is expected from women to come back to work straight after having a baby. (Wisner, “Postpartum Recovery Time Is Crucial, And This Image Shows Why”) The influence of patriarchy in the traditional image of motherhood and the repercussions this has was previously discussed in chapter 2.1. The traditional representation that is being upheld, might be a contributing factor to why the severity of the missing support system for mothers is not addressed more often and more openly.
In chapter 3.4 of this thesis, it was found that the support of the spouse was especially important to the well-being of mothers. Clint Edwards, a father who frequently contributes to Scary Mommy, emphasizes this aspect and highlights the importance of being supportive not only as a father, but also as a spouse. He writes, [w]ith a new baby, love looks like taking as much paternity leave as you can so you can connect with the baby, and support the new mom. It looks like finding ways to help, even simple ones. It means really looking at ways to pitch in, even when the mother of your child doesn’t ask for it. It looks like being present, and involved, and supportive. (Edwards)
Christina Burke, in her emotional article “To The Exhausted Mom Who Never Gets A Break”, which was previously discussed in more detail in chapter 7.2.3., also touches upon the importance of support, especially from one’s spouse when she writes, “[…] You wonder when you lost control. […] You try not to let the tears fall as you hear your husband say that he’s going to be late. Again. A business dinner seems to take priority over a wife who needs her partner to run interference for a few minutes. […]. (Burke) The importance of a spouse who not
63 only gives financial support but also helps out with childcare and household tasks, is once again underlined in this blog post (see also chapters 3.3., 3.4. and 3.5.).
Solidarity and the possibility to ask for and accept help is focused on by Julie Scagell, who mentions the difficulty to actually ask for help. Scagell specifies on how difficult it might be to voice distress as a mother, because it might evoke feelings of not being sufficient as a mother. Furthermore, mothers might experience a guilty conscience when speaking up about their feelings and difficulties in motherhood, as they feel they do not ‘value’ the gift of having a child. (Scagell, “Viral Humans Of New York Post Nails Why Moms Need To Learn To Ask For Help”) The feeling of always having to be ‘Mommy’, a perfect mother who never needs help, is strongly criticized in this article. Mothers are often represented as always having everything under control, always knowing the answer, never failing, or being exhausted (see chapter 4). The notion of feeling unable to communicate exhaustion or excessive demands, because it would seem ungrateful was discussed in chapter 7.5 and might be a contributing factor to why issues of exhaustion and excessive demands are often not addressed, misrepresented or trivialized.
Melissa Fenton, in one blog post in chapter 3.2., touches upon the discussed phenomenon of entering a community – a sisterhood – when becoming a mother. She emphasizes that the realization that there is an entire sisterhood of physically, emotionally, and mentally tired mothers out there can bring a sense of both camaraderie and relief. (M. L. Fenton, “When A Mom Says 'I'm Tired,' This IS What She Really Means”) Similarly, Jorrie Varney speaks of mothers as an “elite group [as motherhood] is not for the faint of heart, and no one understands [the] struggle quite like another mom.” (Varney, “Moms Never Stop Needing Support, We Just Don't Talk About It”) A blog post by Cassandra Stone retells the story of a mother that received help from other women while travelling alone with a child. While motherhood in this example is represented as being exhausting, the focus is put on a special ‘bond’ that was formed within the ‘community of mothers’. It focuses on the notion that having a baby can feel like becoming the member of a ‘secret club’, meaning a community of people who share similar experiences (see chapter 3.2). Stone chooses to highlight the positive aspects of the ‘community of mothers’, the willingness to support each other, representing mothers as empathic and helpful, and expressing that in her opinion, a feeling of exhaustion and desperation is perfectly normal in motherhood and can be understood easily by other mothers. (Stone, “The Help This Struggling Mom Got At An Airport Proves Women Are Amazing”)
64 Mother Instinct and Expert Opinions
Parents As Hays, Douglas, and Michaels and Luke stated (see chapter 2.1 and 2.2.) in the ‘intensive mothering’ approach, the instinct of mothers was and is often not considered to be enough to care well for one’s children. This concept is supported in the January issue of Parents in the article “Stop Being The Mom In The Middle”. In this article, the problem of children fighting with each other is addressed. A mother writes about her own experience and talks about a situation in which she acted the ‘wrong way’. According to her, “[o]f course, my Mama Bear instincts took over, and I did exactly the wrong thing: marched over and asked the girl what had happened.” (Glembocki, “Stop Being The Mom In The Middle” 24). This implies that the mother instinct is not always correct, and that mothers have to consciously think about their parenting choices, question them, and take advice (in this case, the article) to react the ‘right’ way.
Furthermore, Glembocki cites experts on conflict resolution. One of these experts encourages parents to get involved early to enable them to solve conflicts later in their life. Glembocki then recounts her experiences with these parenting tips. (Glembocki, “Stop Being The Mom In The Middle” 26). This article, therefore, supports the claim that parenting instincts are not good enough, and expert advice is needed. This puts further pressure on parents, because this takes time and effort, as well as fills them with doubts and possibly anxiety about their own behavior and choices as parents.
The segment, ‘Ages & Stages’, at the end of each issue of Parents is filled with information, tips and advice for parents, e.g. how to dress one’s child when it is winter, how to handle tantrums, etc. for children at different ages. These tips and tricks support the understanding that parents need basic advice and directions for childcare. One paragraph, for example, tells parents how they can tell if their child is cold when taking a walk, “[y]ou’ll know he’s had enough if his eyes tear and he becomes fussy and cries.” (Riebling 68) In this instance, the author felt the need to tell parents that their child might feel uncomfortable when they start to cry. Parents frequently includes very basic information like this is in the ‘Ages & Stages’ section.
This is the section of Parents where most notions of excessive demands and exhaustion can be found. The focus is on the solution and the child, however, and not on the mother’s feelings in
65 these situations. The advice is given in a very clear, straightforward and precise way, eliciting a feeling of giving palpable directions. In some instances, for example, complete sentences that should be said in specific situations are given, such as, “I’m excited to see your doctor. She takes care of you and helps you stay healthy and strong.” (Peachman 96) Elaborate and difficult topics, such as setting boundaries and following through with consequences, or how to handle hitting and biting, are addressed in a limited way, mostly only in short paragraphs. (Thorkelson 112; Walsh 98) These extremely short, but also extremely narrow ways of handling childcare issues are included in every single issue.
Scary Mommy Previously discussed theory suggests that women struggle with the number of choices, as well as conflicting information and advice available to them (see chapter 2.1. and 4.6). On Scary Mommy, this is reflected in the post “Why I Will Always Pick Up My Baby” by Tayla Knable, who writes about the many ways of how to get your child to sleep through the night. She says, “there are so many mixed messages about how to handle the process. Let them cry it out. Soothe them. Pick them up. Don’t pick them up. Dark room. Night light. Sound machine. Silence. It is confusing.” (Knable) Knable addresses her confusion on the different ways of how mothers are supposed to handle bedtime with a child, mirroring her uncertainty and the sheer amount of alternative information that is available to mothers. Mothers are often ‘bombarded’ with the ‘one’ correct way to deal with specific topics considering the upbringing of their children. A number of them, including Knable, voice their frustration about this in blog entries on Scary Mommy, expressing feelings of being overwhelmed.
Anger, Fear, and Guilt
Parents In the article “Refuse to Lose it”, in the April issue of Parents, Vicki Glembocki speaks about her feelings when yelling at her children. She adds that a study was conducted by Parents which found many reasons why mothers feel guilty, such as being distracted by the phone, not cooking healthy enough, shouting, or allowing too much screen time. (Glembocki, “Refuse to Lose It” 72)
The issue of guilt and mother shaming (see chapter 2.2.) is also addressed in the January issue of Parents. In a short text unit, celebrities who have become victims of mother shaming, or in
66 this case parent shaming, are used as examples to encourage ‘real life’ mothers to also take a stance against judging other parents online and to encourage them to not feel guilty about their parenting choices. Nevertheless, this message is conveyed with images of perfectly styled, attractive, and slim celebrities. (James, “Parents Clap Back”)
The element of fear, also a feature of ‘intensive mothering’, is frequently used in the 2018 issues of Parents magazine, e.g. the hazards of a fire place accompanied with a mother cuddling with her son (Straetker 17) or information about what a school lockdown drill as precaution for a school shooting should look like. (Tucker 18) Another shorty in the March issue addresses dangers, such as batteries in flameless candles which have themselves been suggested as a substitute to real candles out of safety reasons. (“Hidden Home Danger” 18) Similarly, the May issue evokes fear by comparing the likeliness of some medication and cleaning supplies with candies. (Weber and Elveru) The June issue deals with the risks of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) (“Real-World Strategies for Sleep Figure 12: Image accompanying an article Safety”). Fear is also elicited through pictures, as in the about safety. (Garisto Pfaff) article “3 Safety Lessons That Could Save Your Kid’s Life” (see figure 12). (Garisto Pfaff)
Fear is also a topic in articles dealing with everyday situations, emphasizing the need to be in control in every situation of a child’s life. In the March issue, two short articles recommend suspicion towards a doctor because they might not do examinations properly or over-prescribe medicine (“A Test Your Child Needs” 18; “Asthma or an Infection?” 20). Similarly, the July issue includes an article on unsanitary play areas, from swimming pools to theme parks, that parents should be on the lookout for. (Rosen)
Scary Mommy Blog entries on Scary Mommy repeatedly address feelings of failure and guilt as well. Mothers might experience guilt, for example, after not having the birth that they were expecting or preparing for. Joni Edelman shares her experiences after she had given birth in a hospital under critical conditions, instead of a natural house birth as she had planned. Edelman states that while she had a healthy boy, she still felt devastated. (Edelman) Ericka Anderson expresses her
67 feelings of guilt she had when considering not breastfeeding her child. As expectations of society concerning this topic are highly emotional and judgmental, mothers often feel guilty if they are not able to or consciously choose not to breastfeed. In a personal confession, the emotional pressure that mothers feel regarding breastfeeding is described. The decision to breastfeed or bottle-feed one’s child is often made with great guilt, as mothers might feel that they are not a ‘good enough mother’ when they do not breastfeed.
Mothers can also experience guilt about their behavior toward their subsequent children compared to their first-borns. While the first pregnancy is often experienced in relative calm and with the possibility to rest often and take time for oneself, further pregnancies are mostly accompanied by little time available because the mother already has to care for at least one other child. Experiences with further children, are also usually not new for the family, since the parents have already experienced them with the first child. Kristi Evans, for example, expresses feeling guilty and naming her exhaustion as the most important reason for not being able to give her later children the attention and time she had given her first-born child. (Evans)
On Scary Mommy, mom-shaming is also a frequent topic. Christina Freeman, for example, writes: [d]on’t take any sh*t from colleagues, your in-laws, the person in the grocery line, your partner or anyone else about leaving work early for a child’s recital, pumping at the office, not having a ‘real job,’ breastfeeding in public or anything else we do to take care of ourselves and our family. Call out micro-aggressions and stand up for each other and the importance of what all moms do. (Freeman, “Why Every Mom Needs A POST-Birth Plan”)
Another author, Mary Barnes, reflects on mom shaming. She wonders who was to blame for it and sees it as a phenomenon of this time that should be abolished, especially because motherhood is so difficult nowadays. By addressing the issue of mom-shaming, Barnes shows that at least some women are aware of this phenomenon and do wish to change this situation. (Barnes)
Similar to Parents, a number of blog entries focus on safety issues and dangerous situations. Melissa Robertson comments on the high danger that is constantly perceived nowadays. In contrast to previous generations, parents today do not have the aforementioned ‘village’ to help look after a child. This means they are supposed to be with their children almost every single minute to protect them. According to Robertson, she spends a lot of time with her family, but this time does not qualify as quality time, but rather time she watches her children doing various
68 activities to make sure they are safe. (Robertson) This post supports the findings in chapter 3.3. regarding perceived danger, extracurricular activities, and the time spent with the family. Similarly, the perceived heightened level of danger suggested by Douglas and Michaels and Lalancette and Germain (see chapter 2.2. and 4.7.) is further addressed by Jorrie Varney in her article “Why I’m Not Comfortable With Unsupervised Play Dates”. Varney mentions the stress that she experiences when watching the news and the fear it installs in her. (Varney, “Why I'm not Comfortable With Unsupervised Play Dates”)
In contrast, Elizabeth Broadbent condemns the aspects of fear that are often part of the representation of motherhood (see chapters 2.2., 3.3. and 4.6.). Broadbent called out this representation, adding that this leads to children sitting inside, playing video games, instead of spending their time outside, experiencing adventures, which might involve them getting hurt but, at the same time teaching them autonomy. (Broadbent, “Why I Have Become A 'Yes Mom' And Have No Regrets”)
Working Mothers
Parents Lalancette and Germain’s notion that the ‘working mother’ is generally not addressed in magazines is confirmed in this study. The pressure of being a working mother is discussed in very few places, and there is only one picture accompanying an article that shows a woman at work in all twelve issues of Parents (J.). The working aspect is only mentioned in minor ways, e.g. in the February issue in a short passage in which a mother confesses that she lies in bed with her son until he falls asleep because she is too tired for a conflict, because she is working full-time. (Elizabeth 14) As discussed previously, working mothers often feel that they have too little time with their children and try to make the most of the time they have (see chapter 3.3.).
In the editor’s note of the November magazine, Vaccariello describes the guilt that working mothers can feel. She writes about feeling guilty when she put her children in childcare for a few hours per day while she was on a family vacation so that she and her spouse could enjoy some alone time. As a consequence, she decided to not leave her children in childcare, but to spend the whole holiday together as a family. While she goes on to explain how well this decision worked out for her, it still means that she gave up time that she would normally have
69 spent alone or with her spouse and therefore, compromising her adult leisure time. As previously discussed, this is an instance of women adapting their free time and cutting down on their own leisure time to spend it with their children (see chapter 3.3). Furthermore, Vaccariello expresses an omnipresent feeling of guilt – at work as well as at home – as she constantly believes that she is not spending enough time at either. (see also chapter 3.4). (Vaccariello, “(Guilt) Tripping With Two Toddlers”)
The November magazine includes a short article which specifically addresses working mothers. The focus of the article, though, is on the skills women can bring to a workplace, if they have spent some time raising children (acquiring skills in leadership, multitasking, organization etc.) (J.) Therefore, the excessive demands and pressure that is put upon working mothers is severely underrepresented in all twelve issues of Parents, even though research has shown that most women in the USA go back to work immediately or shortly after having a child (see chapter 3.1.).
Scary Mommy In Scary Mommy, the issue of working mothers is discussed in more detail. Chantale Frost, a mother working full time, describes her stressful life and the emotional turmoil she feels she is in, because of her limited time with her son. Like Vaccariello in Parents, Frost depicts being a working mother as a constant struggle, a feeling of being torn between two important parts of life, with the result that time for oneself is being sacrificed. (Frost) This notion can also be seen in the Time Use study of 2018 (see chapter 3.3 and table 1 and 2) which showed that personal time, especially adult leisure time, is (greatly) reduced when having children.
However, positive aspects of being a working mother are also outlined on Scary Mommy. Lauren Forsythe, for example, gives eleven reasons why she enjoys being a working mother. While she states that it is very hard, she encourages mothers not to feel guilty about working by highlighting positive aspects, such as the child being able to experience other caretakers and with that improving their social skills. Being able to interact with other adults and having parts of oneself that are not related to being a mother, gaining soft skills such as organization and efficiency, as well as being a role model to one’s children are further advantages. While mainly disadvantages of being a working mother are portrayed, such as the additional stress and work load, in this article a highly positive image of being able to work as a mother is represented. (Forsythe)
70 With more and more mothers going back into the work force soon after giving birth, tremendous pressure is added. Katie Bingham-Smith cites Dr. Harvey Karp, an American paediatrician, who stated that, “[n]o woman has ever had to do as much, on her own, as the modern mother. We don’t have the same family structure or the same neighborhood structure anymore… It’s really hard, and every woman needs to give herself a break.” (Bingham-Smith, “This Is Why Modern Motherhood Is So Different Than Before”) Bingham-Smith explicitly expresses the added pressure women face today, due to the notion of having to have it all and therefore, being perfect in every aspect of their private and professional life, while constantly facing judgment and being under the scrutiny of others, especially since the advent of social media. (Bingham- Smith, “This Is Why Modern Motherhood Is So Different Than Before”) contributes to the hardship of motherhood today (see chapter 2.2. and 4.6.).
Another author, Karen Johnson, addresses hardships of motherhood in her blog entry. She accentuates the positive aspects that a career can have on the well-being of a mother, even if it brings further stress and time constraints. She voices her frustration with ‘mommy wars’, stating that she does not want to minimize stay-at-home mothers as, “the SAHM [stay-at-home mother] life is 100,000 times harder than I anticipated. The loneliness and isolation and feeling like I was invisible almost suffocated me. I did it for nine years […] now I work (from home).” (K. Johnson, “What I've Realized Since Becoming A Working Mom”) Johnson argues that since she is working from home, she is viewed by her family as ‘not working’ and is, thus, responsible for all of the household and childcare tasks. That is why Johnson also had to make some adjustments to her standards and accept help from her children and her spouse even if she would have done tasks differently. This is an aspect that was previously mentioned in connection with ‘post gender’ parenting in chapter 3.5. This parenting style accepts that mothers and fathers might have different approaches on how to do something ‘the right way’, with both of them supporting and accepting the differences. Towards the end of Johnson’s post, she shifts her perspective towards the rewarding aspects of her career, expressing her proudness and joy about it. (K. Johnson, “What I Realized After An Interaction With A Stranger In The Craft Store”)
71 #momgoals and #peakmom – Expectations of Motherhood
Parents The pressure on mothers to be perfect in every way, to always keep the well-being and interest of their children before their own, to raise them not only with love and kindness, but also with money and an unlimited amount of time and consumer products, is central to the idea of the previously discussed ‘intensive mothering’ (see chapter 2.2.). These expectations of mothers are, to some degree, criticized and challenged in the April issue of Parents, labelled ‘The Imperfection Issue’. In this issue, the editor’s note starts with, “Hi. I’m the editor of Parents, and I am a mediocre mom.” (Vaccariello, “Perfect Mothers Need Not Apply” 4) She goes on to say that all the basic needs of her daughters are met, but she states that: every day I fall short of the mom goals that I worry I should be setting for myself. I do try. I try to listen to everything they say, feed them the colors of the rainbow, and turn spilled milk into teachable moments. But embarrassingly often, you’ll see me buried in my phone, shoving chicken nuggets in the oven, or throwing up my hands in exasperation. (Vaccariello, “Perfect Mothers Need Not Apply” 4)
This honest statement is followed by the confession that no parent is perfect. (Vaccariello, “Perfect Mothers Need Not Apply” 4) This open and honest exclamation addressing the hardships of parenthood is surrounded by confessions of other contributors to Parents magazine about their ‘short-comings’ in parenting, such as letting them drink de-caffeinated coffee at an early age or the daily struggle to get children to bed. ‘The Imperfection Issue’ also includes a short article that recommends three books. These books deal with the unrealistic pressure put on mothers to be perfect, as well as confessions for being late, and funny statements of parents about their #momgoals or #parentinggoals. (Vaccariello, “Perfect Mothers Need Not Apply” 4)
Articles in ‘The Imperfection Issue’ deal with organization tips, tricks, and life hacks mothers share for other parents to make the everyday struggles easier (Crouch), for example, easy ways to feed children as healthy as possible (Cicero; “Packaged Finds For Your Cart”), “the prettiest, easiest, and most Instagrammable treats ever” (Howard) (see figure 7) and the reassuring statement that, “Mascara Fixes Everything!” (Bauer). As can be seen from these examples, ‘The Imperfection Issue’ does concern itself with difficulties in parenthood, however, the focus is immediately shifted towards problem solving and micro-managing, and how parents, mostly mothers, can change their behavior to better deal with an issue. An honest discussion and representation of the struggles, the exhaustion, and the excessive demands cannot be found in any article in this issue. Furthermore, in the recipe section, although providing easy recipes, the
72 importance of making food that is “Instagrammable” (Howard 46) is emphasized, showing that even when you are highly stressed, you should always be able to make something that can be put on the social media platform ‘Instagram’.
The June issue opens with an editorial note that encourages parents to share stories about what they envisioned parenthood would be like and what it really looked like for them. Vaccariello, the editor, shares her own charming story about her shortcomings as a mother to inspire others. While she addresses the difficulties of going to a zoo with children, the passage, as most stories in Parents, ends on a positive note with Vaccariello stating that while she is a different parent than she thought she would be, this is okay for her, because she and her children are having fun. (Vaccariello, “The Parent I Thought I'd Be”) This is a typical example of how exhaustion and excessive demands are dealt with in Parents magazine. While difficulties and problems are addressed shortly in a few places, they are mostly minimalized and trivialized, highlighting the positive aspects of them or referring to them with positive remarks.
In the December issue, stories about how women imagine their own motherhood experience as opposed to their reality are included. Many of these stories include aspects of exhaustion that hinder them from being the parent they thought they would be. One mother explains that while she used to babysit a lot and always played games and did fun activities with other children, she does not have the time and energy to do the same with her own children because she feels exhausted all of the time. (DeAngelis)
These experiences are rare instances of a more rounded representation of motherhood, including real-life stories with hardships and difficulties. These stories are not commented on, though, by Parents or an author of Parents, but are rather kept as kind of stand-alone confessions of readers opening the conversation and including negative aspects of parenthood.
Scary Mommy Several blog posts on Scary Mommy represent instances of great parenting, describing them as ‘peak mom/dad/parenting’. Some examples for this are a blog post about the actress Jennifer Garner wearing a 12-foot long scarf knitted by her daughter in public, a post about a father removing a macaroni from the nose of his son, and a post about the singer Ciara posting a video on social media in which she is rehearsing for a concert while holding her toddler daughter the whole time. (Scagell, “Jennifer Garner Wearing A 12-Foot-Long Scarf Her Kid Made Is Peak Mom”; Scagell, “What This Dad Did To Get Macaroni Out Of His Son's Nose Is
73 Peak Parenting”; Stone, “Ciara Dancing In Rehearsal While Holding Her Baby The Whole Time Is Peak Mom”) In contrast to #momgoals, it seems the term ‘peak mom/dad/parenting” is mostly used in connection with small, simple, and often imperfect gestures and accomplishments. It is not necessarily only used by celebrities, but also ‘normal’ people in which their love and care for their children is focused on, instead of a special product that was crafted, cooked or decorated, or extraordinary accomplishments that aim to represent ‘perfect’ parents.
Jorrie Varney describes motherhood as a Rubik’s cube with many different solutions. While she tried to conform to society’s expectations of her as a mother, she ultimately could not deal with the pressure. The grave effect that these expectations can have on mothers is brought into focus as Varney describes the negative influences and the high pressure she felt because of them, which almost led to her breaking down. (Varney, “My Kids Used Pacifiers For Years, And I Don't Know Why Other People Care”)
The expectations women have about what their life as mothers will be like are also addressed in the article, “Here’s 6 Ways To Make Your Life Easier As A New Mom Because Fed Is What Counts”, in which the author writes, [w]hen you’re pregnant, you spend lots of time thinking about how you’re going to do this baby thing. You’ve got visions of sitting in a rocking chair, already recovered from your low-stress 100% natural labor, and your baby staring at you with complete adoration. It is, like, SO PERFECT. For about 1 out of a zillion moms that might actually happen. (Team Scary Mommy, “Here's 6 Ways To Make Your Life Easier As A New Mom Because Fed Is What Counts”)
Sonya Spillman concerns herself with the expectations of parents, mostly mothers, to volunteer for different boards or groups in connection with the child’s activities, adding further tasks to the daily schedule of mothers. In the blog post “Why I’m Declining Your Request To Volunteer”, Spillmann expresses the dilemma she faces because she wants to participate, but is simply unable to, due to the enormous demands put on her and the exhaustion that she is suffering. (Spillmann)
The issue of feeling unprepared is mentioned in a variety of articles, e.g. in the articles “What You Need to Know About Retained Placenta” (Meadows-Fernandez, “What You Need To Know About Retained Placenta”), “What to Really Expect When You’re Expecting” (Varney, “What To Really Expect When You're Expecting”), “Why We Should Ditch Baby Showers, And Throw New Moms A Postpartum Party Instead” (Wisner, “Why We Should Ditch Baby
74 Showers, And Throw New Moms A Postpartum Party Instead”) and many more. Mothers often voice their frustration, and sometimes even anger, about not having gotten realistic and honest information about motherhood before becoming mothers themselves. Shapiro, for example, writes, “you are about to deal with physical symptoms that no one warned you about because they ‘didn’t want to scare you.’ Well, my friends, I’m about to give it to you straight. Better to be scared and prepared than completely blind-sided.” (Shapiro)
Similarly, Wendy Wisner addresses the issue of unpreparedness in a very straightforward way when she wrote: No one – and I mean no one prepared me for those grueling few weeks and months (okay, let’s be honest, years) of having a new baby. I was so focused on the baby’s arrival that I didn’t give the idea of actually caring for him a second thought. Motherhood, after all, was the easy part, right? It was supposed to come naturally. WRONG. (Wisner, “Why We Should Ditch Baby Showers, And Throw New Moms A Postpartum Party Instead”)
Wisner clearly states her frustration with the representation of motherhood that was available to her prior to having a child herself. The previously discussed notion that motherhood comes natural to every woman (see chapter 2.1. and 3.) is mentioned by Wisner as well. In her blog posts, it can be clearly seen that Wisner’s expectations of motherhood were strongly influenced by the representations of the traditional ideologies previously discussed. Wisner voices her disappointment with these unrealistic and insufficient representation in a number of articles. As a result, she herself represents motherhood as not coming natural to every woman and she further focuses on the difficult and exhausting aspects of it.
Another connected aspect mentioned is the impossibility to prepare women for motherhood. Cocanougher considers this to be something that every woman needs to experience herself, because there is no way this can be communicated properly. (Cocanougher) Similarly, Jaffe highlights that one’s perspective dramatically changes after having a child, especially due to the great responsibility that comes with raising a child. (Jaffe)
Cassandra Stone addresses the notion of competition in motherhood, which was discussed in chapter 4. 6.. It is a recent development, particularly fueled by the advent of social media in a blog post. She communicates her frustration with the constant feeling of having to compare herself to other mothers. Instagram, Pinterest and other internet platforms now enable mothers to instantly see the, mostly filtered, images of other mothers. As the images and posts on these platforms are often highly edited by the users themselves to show oneself in the most positive
75 light, comparisons can be highly problematic and lead readers to strive for an unrealistic and untrue ideal.
On the other hand, Scary Mommy also addresses the use of social media in a different way. In one article, Cassandra Stone comments on a social media post of a mother, Sarah Van Sickle, who recorded herself ‘breaking down’ right next to her toddler who was throwing a tantrum. Van Sickle is quoted: I’m so sick of people just showing the perfect side of parenthood on social media, and today was one of the worst days I’ve had as a mom. [..] I’m tired. Mentally and emotionally drained. Feeling like a failure of a mom. Feeling beyond clueless as to why my child has the world’s worst tantrums for no reason. Feeling guilty for yelling at him and even more guilty for wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there. (Stone, “Mom Shares 'Mental Breakdown' During Son's Tantrum And We Can All Relate”)
Stone expresses her sympathy and her understanding, stating that she as well has felt the same way many times. She sympathizes with her and justifies feeling overwhelmed, not in control, and definitely not ‘being perfect’ as a mother. (Stone, “Mom Shares 'Mental Breakdown' During Son's Tantrum And We Can All Relate”)
Van Sickle explains her decision to film her breakdown, because she wanted to show a true aspect and the reality of parenthood, as well as encourage other mothers to give a more realistic representation of motherhood. (Stone, “Mom Shares 'Mental Breakdown' During Son's Tantrum And We Can All Relate”) Figure 13: Image accompanying an article dealing with a 'mental breakdown' of a mother (Stone, Mom Shares 'Mental Breakdown' During As the majority of parents tend to Son's Tantrum And We Can All Relate) share only happy and ‘perfect’ moments, the image of motherhood is distorted, making it difficult to share the raw moments of imperfection. Stone concludes by stating, it is in the hands of every mother to create a social media sphere that also addresses the downs, not only the ups of parenthood. The blog post is introduced with three pictures of the mentioned video (see figure 13). In these pictures, no filter is used, and the photos are unedited. They were obviously taken with a small camera, most likely from a phone, providing a lower, but more realistic, quality. The images show a highly distressed Van Sickle clearly upset and in tears. The importance of
76 support, as well as the exchange of stories of difficult situations in parenthood, which was previously discussed in chapter 3.4. and 3.5., can be seen in this blog post. Van Sickle and Stone stress their wish to help others by representing and admitting their own weaknesses and imperfections.
Similarly, a blog post by Julie Scagell comments on a social media post by Danielle Silverstein in which she admits to being a “hot-mess mom […] consistently five steps behind where [she] should be in the world of responsible adulting” (Scagell, “This Viral Post Is A Tribute To All The 'Hot Mess' Moms”) Again, this post is accompanied by a realistic image of an exhausted mother (Danielle Silverstein, see figure 14) without using any filters or attempting to show a ‘perfect’ appearance of a ‘perfect’ mother.
Eliza VanCort illuminates the issue from a Figure 14: Image of Danielle Silverstein (Scagell, This Viral Post Is A Tribute To All The 'Hot Mess' Moms) different angle, addressing the impossibility to speak honestly about one’s experiences with motherhood, leading to a variety of unrealistic expectations of motherhood. VanCort feels she was let down by society as she entered motherhood without any ‘warning’ about how hard it can be, writing, “Why the HELL didn’t anyone warn me about this?!” (VanCort) She wonders why women feel the need to lie in public about negative experiences with their children, when indeed it might be a comfort to other mothers to hear or see realistic impressions of motherhood. It might also establish more realistic expectations about motherhood altogether. She states, “if we don’t talk about it, parents are going to continue to be hit with freight trains and feel like they are the only weirdo out there who can’t ‘handle’ one of the greatest transitions in our lives.” (VanCort) Therefore, VanCort called for a more open discussion and a more accurate representation of motherhood, including ‘dark spots’ and experiences that do not fit the ‘perfect’ image of motherhood.
Christine Organ raises the same concerns. She also feels that certain aspects of motherhood cannot be spoken about publicly, not even when in the company of other mothers. Motherhood did not come natural to Organ, which surprised and shocked her as she realized that the
77 expectations she had had of motherhood were highly unrealistic. She further admits the feeling of loneliness was brutal for her, although she never was truly alone. The missing honest and open discourse and the notion that negative feelings about motherhood cannot be addressed openly heightened this feeling, leading Organ to make a plea towards the readers for a more honest discussion and to stop pretending to be perfect. (Organ)
Similarly, Leigh Tayler was also surprised about the difficulties she experienced with motherhood, stating that any parent who is only reporting positive feelings and experiences in (new) motherhood, “is lying to you and to themselves.” (Tayler) Tayler described motherhood as “the hardest thing you will ever do because there is no training for it, there’s no manual delivered with the baby, no oracle to rely on, no WikiHow, no right or wrong answer.” (Tayler) Jarrie Varney has had similar experiences, again revealing that it is impossible to really prepare oneself for motherhood. (Varney, “Moms Never Stop Needing Support, We Just Don't Talk About It”)
Caila Smith, on the other hand, voices her frustration about the 1950s stereotypical expectations of stay-at-home mothers. The title stay-at-home mom often implies the outdated expectation that the mother is solely responsible for most of the household tasks, not only the child rearing. She especially addresses the lack of recognition and rewards, “[y]es, I stay home. But even when I’m staying home, I’m still working. […] I never have a day off. There is no overtime, and my pay comes in the form of smiles and gremlin-like tantrums.” (Smith, “I'm A Stay-At- Home Mom, Not A Stay-At-Home Maid”)
In all these blog posts, the feeling of failure when one does not manage to comply to the common, traditional representation of motherhood (see chapters 2.1., 3.2., 4.7., 5.9. and 7.9.) was addressed, especially the ‘new’ problematic representation of a ‘filtered and edited’ motherhood ideology in connection with social media.
Humorous Expressions
Parents In many instances in both Parents and on Scary Mommy, the issue of exhaustion and excessive demands was addressed using humor. Actual daily struggles that most mothers can relate to were frequently put into a funny context, encouraging parents to think about these situations
78 that are often connected with exhaustion (e.g. getting a child dressed or getting it to sleep) in a humorous and light-hearted way by laughing about them.
In the “KIDS” section of the January issue, a few notions of exhaustion and excessive demands are addressed in a humorous way by changing the titles of children’s books. (Blachman). Newly suggested ‘honest’ book titles were, e.g. “Oh, they Places You’ll Go if Only You’ll Let Me Strap You Into Your Car Seat!”, “The Little Engine That Could Have Had Screen Time if He Hadn’t Thrown a Tantrum”, “About a Banana That Broke in Half” or “Llama Llama Red Pyjama Is Really No Different From the Green Pyjama, but the Red Pyjama Is in the Laundry so I’m Begging You, Take Your Finger out of My Nose and Just Wear the Green One, Sweetie” (Blachman)
Similarly, humor is used in the March issue when the lyrics of songs from the 90s are changed to fit parenthood. “So tell me what you want, what you really, really want […]” (James, “'90s Anthems Have New Meanings for Parents”) from the song ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls was connected to the parenting situation, “[w]hen your baby is crying and you would give your left breast to figure out what in the world she could possibly need” (James, “'90s Anthems Have New Meanings for Parents”). In another article, small children are compared to smartphones in a humorous way. (Krieger) In the September issue, it is imagined what fairy tales would look like if babies were the villains. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, for example, is imagined like this: “The baby grabbed the apple and took three bites from different places, covering it all in saliva. He then handed it to Snow White, who was doing what felt like seven people’s worth of laundry.” (Preston)
In all of these examples, exhausting situations that are part of the daily life of mothers are put into a comedic context, attempting to shed a humorous light on these, in reality, often highly difficult and exhausting situations.
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Scary Mommy Humor is also used to deal with exhaustion and excessive demands on Scary Mommy. One post, for instance, includes the Halloween costume of a girl who dressed up as an exhausted mother (see figure 15). Aswell analyzes the key elements of this costume and describes the following: A messy bun that we hope looks super on-trend and carefree, but actually looks frightening and squirrels might live there for all we know. […] A venti coffee from Starbucks, also known as the last bit of sanity, that allows us to conquer another day. […] Black leggings – we only wear jeans for ‘special occasions’ now, and dresses for when we have tea with the Queen Figure 15: Halloween costume of an exhausted mom (Aswell, This Girl Dressed of England.” (Aswell, “This Girl Dressed As An As An Exhausted Mom For Halloween And Exhausted Mom For Halloween And We Feel So We Feel So Seen) Seen”)
One explanation why humor might often be used when addressing exhaustion or excessive demands is touched upon in a Scary Mommy blog post. In this post, Sarah Aswell cites a mother who had made drawings about the difficulties of night time nursing, stating that she would have to cry if she didn’t laugh. (Aswell, “Woman's Viral Drawings Totally Nail Why Moms Are So Exhausted”) Humor is being used in these instances as a way of coping with the difficulties of motherhood. In these humorous blog posts, the exhaustion and excessive demands of motherhood are shown with a sense of irony and sarcasm allowing mothers to laugh about their situation. Similar to this, parenting ‘memes’ (an image used in a variety of different contexts with subtext) have become highly popular, but are not further discussed in this thesis.
Celebrity Profiles and Celebrity Opinions
Parents In Parents, a variety of celebrity profiles are included. Nevertheless, the celebrity mom profile exactly as it was described by Douglas and Michaels (see chapter 4.6.) was not seen in either Parents or on Scary Mommy. In Parents, the mothers portrayed are indeed shown perfectly styled and smiling, but the articles accompanying them do not strive to paint a picture of ‘perfect’ motherhood.
80 In one article, actress Jenny Mollen and her husband Jason Biggs tell the humorous story about the day they tried to get their older son to sleep on his own and failed in doing so. Again, as seen in many other contributions and discussed in the previous chapter, humor is used to address an issue that in real life is most likely not humorous, but rather highly exhausting: the issue of an exhausting bed time, not having any alone time and constantly being needed by one’s children. (Mollen)
In another issue, Brenna Huckaby, a world champion in para snowboarding, speaks about her life as a mother. Although she is a highly competitive athlete, she still states that her greatest accomplishment was “getting her 17-month-old toddler, Lilah, out the door with parka, snow boots, and mittens all in place.” (Breakey, “On Top Of It All!” 11) Even though Huckaby is a successful athlete, she still puts an emphasis on how difficult parenthood can be.
The March issue includes an article on Massy Arias, an influencer and personal trainer. The pictures accompanying the article show Arias in workout clothes and, therefore, suggest that the article is about how to keep fit after having a baby. When reading through the article, however, Arias addresses physical activity not in a way of ‘getting back one’s figure’, but instead focuses on the beneficial attributes for the personal health of mothers. In the article, Arias speaks openly about the problems she had following the birth of her daughter: I gave birth naturally, pushed her out, and was home two hours later. But I was exhausted. What people say just didn’t register: ‘You are not going to sleep.’ […] The postpartum period was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, made worse because I was determined to breastfeed, but my nipples were a bleeding mess. Those first weeks, I would forget to eat. I would forget to bathe. It was all Indi, Indi, Indi. […] I had so much anxiety ‘Am I doing this right?’ […] I was crying every single day. I was losing it. (Breakey, “How Massy Built Her Mom Muscles” 72, 74)
She herself received ‘mom-shaming’ comments from people who thought she just wanted to be slim again and implied she was not doing what was best for her or her child. However, Arias emphasizes that she needed the exercise, as well as meetings with a mom group, to become herself again. Nevertheless, it needs to be kept in mind that Arias is a personal trainer, and her husband is her manager, allowing them a rate of flexibility that most mothers, especially in low- income households do not have. She acknowledges the excessive demands put on mothers, though, and states, “Here’s my take on feminism: Maybe Stefan [her husband] is the one who can pick up heavy furniture, but we women are the strong ones.” (Breakey, “How Massy Built Her Mom Muscles” 74) In her interview, Arias therefore, openly and honestly addresses the exhaustion and the demands that come with motherhood. Indeed, in all issues of Parents
81 magazine, aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands are most often and openly addressed in celebrity profiles.
Similarly, the November issue includes another celebrity mom profile, portraying Busy Philipps and her two daughters. Philipps addresses the difficulties of motherhood, calling herself ‘the all-over-the-place, doesn’t have-a-plan mom’ mentioning that often she just tries to “just hold it together. (Bried 80)
The pictures accompanying the story, show Philipps and her daughters beautifully dressed up and in fun positions. It rather represents a friendship-based relationship than the classic image of the mother as the protector and nurturer of her children, with one image even showing Philipps’ being annoyed or frustrated with her children, in a playful way (see figure 16). Figure 16: Cover image of article "Momming While Busy"(Bried 78–79)
Philipps goes on to speak about the importance of social support from friends, especially friends who are also mothers, because they can always offer a different perspective, as well as emotional support. She also touches upon the topic of marriage problems, especially due to the missing support of a spouse. A social support system, as well as the support of a spouse have already been found as important coping mechanisms for mothers (see chapter 3.4., 3.5. and 4.6.).
Addressing excessive demands and anxiety, Philipps encourages readers not to accept any burden or additional tasks if not absolutely necessary, but rather to take care of themselves, mentioning that she works out and makes sure she gets enough time for herself, as well as getting mental support from a therapist and openly addressing anxiety. (Bried 80, 82) The importance of leisure time spent alone or in the company of other adults without children is the focus of this statement as adult leisure time is often dramatically reduced after having children (see chapter 3.3.).
82 The November issue includes an article titled, “Celebrity Parents Are Like Us – Just Ask Their Nanny”. In this article, a book written by a former celebrity nanny is reviewed. One story in this book is retold, in which she guided a celebrity to teach their child consequences. (James, “Celebrity Parents Are Like Us - Just Ask Their Nanny”) While it seems that this article aims to make celebrities more relatable, this comment highlights the extra help that celebrities have when caring for children, which is often overlooked or not addressed in celebrity profiles (see chapter 4.6.).
These examples show that in Parents magazine, exhaustion and excessive demands are most often dealt with in celebrity profiles. In contrast to what Douglas and Michael suggested in chapter 4.6., however, the current celebrity profile seems to be quite different. While the images accompanying the articles are still representing beautiful women who have been styled by professionals, the themes of the images, as well as the themes of the articles do not shy away from addressing exhaustion and excessive demands. Instead, they give the women a platform to speak about their own insecurities and ‘short-comings’ as mothers. This may be an important step towards a more realistic depiction of motherhood, as parenting magazines are often the first source of parenting advice a mother-to-be looks to (see chapter 4).
Scary Mommy Similarly, but even to a higher degree, articles in mommy blogs openly address the issue of unrealistic celebrity mom profiles on a meta level. Blog entries frequently highlighted celebrities that address the same difficulties and struggles of pregnancy and parenthood that are faced by every mother, often in a straight-forward and outspoken way. The posts do not romanticize any aspects of motherhood, but instead praise celebrities who openly speak about their problems in motherhood, thus making them much more relatable and disregarding the softened version of the perfect celebrity mother. The comedian Amy Schumer is an example of a celebrity communicating their feelings and difficulties openly and honestly. During her pregnancy, she suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe form of ‘morning sickness’ leading to her having to cancel her tour. She addresses her problems with unfiltered photos of her on her social media account. A number of articles on Scary Mommy address these posts and express their gratitude for her honesty about the difficulties of pregnancy and motherhood. Julie Scagell, for example, states that, “Schumer’s pregnancy has been anything but glamorous, and moms are thanking her for her honesty.” (Scagell, “Amy Schumer Puking In A Public Bathroom Is Relatable To Moms Everywhere”) Scagell emphasizes in this article how refreshing and
83 helpful it is to see that celebrity mothers also face the same difficulties and that even for these, seemingly perfect human beings, motherhood is a great challenge connected to great exhaustion and excessive demands.
Furthermore, blog posts about celebrities on Scary Mommy often include them speaking about social and political issues, such as inequality. Former First Lady Michelle Obama, for example, is cited in one blog post on how the notion of ‘having it all’ is not only unrealistic, but also an unhealthy expectation. (Scagell, “Michelle Obama On Leaning In: 'That Sh*t Doesn't Work All The Time'”) The article goes on to quote Amy Westervelt, who also referred to this issue when saying, “’Here’s what we tell women today, ‘You not only can, but should have a career and children – because if you don’t, you’re basically a) lazy, b) weak, c) not a real woman. But also, you should do it without any support’ […] the concept of ‘having it all’ is just that – a concept.” (Scagell, “Michelle Obama On Leaning In: 'That Sh*t Doesn't Work All The Time'”)
Scagell also discusses a social media post by Serena Williams’, a famous tennis player. In this post, Williams describes being on a long flight with her daughter that ended with her daughter throwing up on her. Williams then goes on to encourage other mothers to share their stories about the difficulties and demands of motherhood, as well as including the hashtag #ThisMama. A great number of mothers answered the call and shared their personal stories (Scagell, “Serena Williams Starts #ThisMama To Share Parenthood Stories And It's Everything”). This underlines the appreciation of mothers for celebrities who instead of being represented as ‘perfect’ are actually represented with all their flaws and faults.
The actress Busy Philipps is mentioned both in an article in Parents, as well as in numerous blog posts on Scary Mommy. While in the article featured in Parents, she deliberately gives an interview to the magazine, in the blog posts of Scary Mommy writers mostly comment on her social media posts. On Scary Mommy, she is frequently praised for her honest comments on motherhood, especially as a working mother. (Williams, “Busy Philipps Reminds Working Moms We Can't Do It ALL - And That's Okay”) Philipps also challenges the idea of ‘doing it all’, emphasizing that ‘even her’ as a celebrity with resources ‘normal’ mothers do not have, cannot ‘do it all’. Again, she represents herself as not being ‘perfect’, but struggling with the same issues as every other mother and showing her weaknesses. Valerie Williams picks up this social media post in her blog post and with this actually transforms this apparent ‘weakness’ into a strength, enabling other mothers to follow Philipps’ example, highlighting that if a
84 celebrity could do it, it would also be acceptable for other mothers to proclaim their ‘shortcomings’ in motherhood.
Furthermore, a blog post written by Valerie Williams focuses on the social media post of the singer Cardi B, who speaks out about the issue of being unprepared for motherhood. Cardi B posted an explanation why she had to cancel her participation in a tour: ’I thought that after giving birth to my daughter that 6 weeks would be enough time for me to recover mentally and physically. I also thought that I’d be able to bring her with me on tour, but I think I underestimated this whole mommy thing. Not only am I just not ready physically, I am not ready to leave my baby behind since the doctors explained it’s not healthy for her to be on the road.’ (Williams, “Cardi B Just Posted The Most Relatable Message About Early Motherhood”)
Williams praises this honesty and concludes, “[s]he really gets us, y’all.” (Williams, “Cardi B Just Posted The Most Relatable Message About Early Motherhood”) The sense of community and unity of motherhood is put into strong focus here with Williams speaking on behalf of the community of Scary Mommy and appreciating a celebrity who does not choose to be represented as managing motherhood easily, but as a mother struggling with her new role and the unexpected aspects of it, while voicing her honest and difficult feelings about it.
Chrissy Teigen, a model and businesswoman, who is married to the singer John Legend, and has two small children, is another celebrity that is mentioned frequently on Scary Mommy. She does not shy away from an honest depiction of motherhood, as well as from addressing issues of inequality considering the representation and expectations of fathers and mothers. In one blog post, several posts of Teigen are commented on by Julie Scagell. Teigen had shared her thoughts on how differently mothers and fathers are perceived and judged. Some time after her second child was born, she had shared a photo of the first date night out with her husband. The result was a backlash from people judging her for going out when her child was so young. A couple of days later, her husband went to an award show, and no such comments were made directed to him. She comments that it is not seen as bad parenting when a husband goes to events shortly after having a child, but it is when mothers do, therefore establishing a double standard and highlighting the inequality in expectations of mothers and fathers. (Scagell, “Chrissy Teigen Trolls John Legend From Going Back To Work 'Too Soon' After Baby”)
85 Just a couple of days earlier, Teigen posted a picture of her where she is not wearing any make-up, her hair is not styled, and she is wearing only mesh underwear, typically worn by new mothers with a light skirt, while holding her new-born (see figure 17). This highly relatable image of a woman shortly after having a child is discussed on Scary Mommy in an article titled, “Chrissy Teigen Has Blessed Us With The Best Hospital Mesh Panty Photo”. Williams, the author of the article, comments on this photograph with, “Relatable AF.” (Williams, “Chrissy Teigen Has Blessed Us With The Best Hospital Mesh Panty Photo”) The AF stands for ‘As Fuck’, a slang phrase that is used Figure 17: Image of Chrissy Teigen holding to emphasize an adjective, in this case, meaning that this her new-born baby while wearing mesh underwear (Williams, Chrissy Teigen Has picture is extremely relatable for most mothers. Teigen Blessed Us With The Best Hospital Mesh Panty Photo) chooses to present herself in a way that is highly uncharacteristic for celebrities, purposely showing her not styled and in an everyday situation. The positive remarks on her social media posts, as well as the positive blog posts on Scary Mommy show that this new way of representing celebrity mothers is highly appreciated by ‘real- life’ mothers.
Another example for an actress struggling with parenthood and openly discussing this, is the actress Cameran Eubanks. Valerie Williams writes about a social media post of hers in which she had shared an image of herself and had explained why she stopped breastfeeding. The accompanying image shows an exhausted Eubanks in a shirt clustered with milk stains (see figure 18). In the social media post, Eubanks expresses that she quit breastfeeding after three months, not because she could not breastfeed, Figure 18: Image of Eubanks accompanying an but because she simply wanted to, because she was article about stopping to breastfeed (Williams, This Post About Being 'Done' Breatstfeeding Is So not happy doing it. (Williams, “This Post About Relatable It Hurts) Being 'Done' Breastfeeding Is So Relatable It Hurts”)
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Eubanks had already posted another photo of her exhausted self on Instagram, one week after her child was born. She uses sarcasm in this post to emphasize how exhausted she was as the caption accompanying this image (figure 19) reads, “[f]irst week as a new mom is going incredibly well. I’m getting great sleep and feel and look better than ever. Zero pain in my crotch whatsoever.” (Williams, “This Post About Being 'Done'
Figure 19: Image accompanying a social media post Breastfeeding Is So Relatable It Hurts”) As already of Cameran Eubanks one week after she gave birth (Williams, This Post About Being 'Done' discussed in chapter 7.9.9., sarcasm is a common Breatstfeeding Is So Relatable It Hurts) way of dealing with exhaustion. When looking at the picture, it becomes immediately clear that Eubanks is not feeling well rested and that she is struggling tremendously with being a new mother. Again, this celebrity does not put any focus on looking great, not putting any make-up on, wearing her hair in a ‘mom-bun’, and not focusing at all on her outfit. Furthermore, she addresses possible negative comments already in her initial post, showing that she is expecting them. It seems she had either already received some negative feedback personally or she had seen it in other posts. This is another example of the constant criticism mothers face from many different sides, as she sees the need to proactively address this issue. Valerie Williams, the author of the blog post, comments on the social media post and praises Eubanks for her decision and her openness about it, as many mothers face similar struggles with breastfeeding. (Williams, “This Post About Being 'Done' Breastfeeding Is So Relatable It Hurts”) Williams again touches upon the expectations that society has of mothers, namely that a good mother is a breastfeeding mother which has been one of the most popular and wide-spread representations of mothers for centuries (see for example also the representation of the breastfeeding Mother Mary and chapter 4.7.). As seen in previous examples, the need of being a perfectly styled and perfectly happy celebrity is turned over by the personal experience of motherhood and the need to share these experiences in an honest way.
The use of celebrities as role models on Scary Mommy in this way was drastically different from the celebrity profile discussed by Douglas and Michaels. The celebrities mentioned on Scary Mommy did not shy away from showing their weaknesses. They were shown as trying to
87 represent themselves as ‘normal’ mothers dealing with the same issues any other mother has to cope with. They did not pretend to have a perfectly laid out plan that always works, always smiling babies, and endless amounts of time to take care of their appearance.
Nevertheless, the celebrity mom profile as introduced by Douglas and Michaels is addressed directly in a post about Jameela Jamil, a British actress. In a few articles, also leading into 2019, Jamil’s reactions on social media concerning representations of the ‘celebrity mom profile’, are discussed. In November 2018, for example, Jamil calles out celebrities promoting a ‘detox tea’ that was supposed to be the secret to their slim bodies, commenting that the tea was not responsible for it, but the nutritionists, personal chefs, personal trainers, air-brushers and plastic surgeons they have at hand. On a meta level, the traditional celebrity mom profiles are criticized by a celebrity herself, focusing on the damage this representation can do.
Similarly, Erika Meller writes about her thoughts after being told that a celebrity had only gained 12 pounds during their pregnancy: what the hell else does a celebrity who is famous for being famous have to do outside of focus on herself during pregnancy? She probably has a personal trainer, chef, housekeeper and nutritionist at her disposal; can rest whenever she’s tired; and get one of her assistants to do any errands or tasks that need to be done. (Meller)
Meller clearly voices her frustration with the celebrity mom profiles that fail to mention that these women do indeed have a variety of support available, helping them with their daily tasks that ‘normal’ mothers have to do by themselves, in addition to their regular childcare duties. Likewise, A. Rochaun expresses both her frustration with unrealistic expectations society has of motherhood, as well as praising celebrity mothers who defy these myths and do not follow the typical ‘celebrity mom profile’ showing ‘perfect’ mothers. She praises celebrities such as Chrissy Teigen, Cardi B, Hilary Duff, and Serena Williams, and their social media posts by congratulating them on their willingness to communicate vulnerability, struggles and failure - imperfect motherhood to sum it up – to give a much more realistic account of motherhood than the classical ‘celebrity mom profile’ discussed by Douglas and Michaels (see chapters 2.2. and 4.6.).
88 Gender Equality and Workload
Parents The issue of gender (in)equality, especially considering the additional workload, is another fact of exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood. The September issue of Parents includes an article that deals mainly with this issue. A mother describes a situation in which she works from her home, while her husband is taking care of their child, including going shopping. While she often goes shopping with her children, without getting any comments about her parenting skills, her husband frequently receives praise for doing the same task. (Sole-Smith 124) The article states that more and more fathers are willing to take on an equal role in parenting, but that mothers still carry more of the ‘mental load’ or ‘cognitive labor’ (e.g. making appointments at doctors, getting involved when there are problems at school etc.). (Sole-Smith 124)
The article then goes on to talk about a husband whose contract got terminated and who suddenly spent a lot of time at home with his wife and his two children: ’It was an eye-opener. […] I didn’t realize how hard it is for whoever stays home.’ Like many less-involved parents, he hadn’t been able to see everything he wasn’t doing. […] Our society maintains this hazy misunderstanding about the difficulty of parenting and the amount of strategy and intellectual effort that goes into that work. (Sole-Smith 125)
Sole-Smith ends the article with giving particular advice, such as getting into a shared mindset to work better as a team or setting up a shared email address for all family issues so that both partners always have the same information. She emphasizes that while sharing the parenting responsibilities equally might need more compromise and communication, it is also a much fairer way to parent. (Sole-Smith 128) She highlights that both mothers and fathers generally do not find joy in household activities (see chapter 3.3) and it is not fair that this burden should only fall on mothers. In this article, the exhaustion of mothers is addressed, as well as the issue of excessive demands and the unfair distribution of tasks, with the aim of finding a solution. The article also includes a section with tips for traditional fathers on how they can help and participate more in the upbringing of their children. (Sole-Smith 124–28)
Scary Mommy Gender inequality regarding the actual workload of men and women, especially when having younger children, is addressed numerous times in blog entries on Scary Mommy. In an article titled “My Life Is Harder Than My Husband’s”, Jilian Benfield compares her husband’s and
89 her own workload, stating that her life is definitely harder than her husband’s. While he has a draining job as a doctor, she takes care of their three children under five, managing the schedule of the whole family, as well as taking care of the household and doing a number of part-time jobs. (Benfield)
The language Benfield uses to describe her responsibilities borrowed words from the semantic field of business language. She describes herself as a ‘lead manager’, a ‘chief’, a ‘CEO’ and a ‘sole proprietor’ when describing her daily tasks, highlighting the demands, responsibilities and difficulties connected to them, as well as giving them importance. Furthermore, this brings her daily tasks and the tasks her husband did in his job to a similar level, making them, in some way, comparable. (Benfield)
The importance of getting support from a spouse in household tasks (see chapter 3.4., 3.5. and 4.6.) is also addressed in an article by Christina Freeman, in which she expresses the importance of equality in one’s home for personal well-being. She refers to the concept of ‘post gender’ couples (see chapter 3.5.), without naming them as such, encouraging partners to participate equally and taking over not only small tasks from time to time, but to fully take over equal responsibility for childcare and household tasks, without receiving or expecting praise for them. She then focuses on the importance of the issue from a broader point of view, as this is also a women’s equality issue, having an impact on society as a whole. Freeman comments, “[e]mployers penalize us for having children while men get a ‘fatherhood bonus.’ We are underrepresented in government and the boardroom, and we suffer mental and physical health effects from our ‘second shift.” (Freeman, “Women Still Do Most Work At Home, But Here's How You Can Change That”) This article is similar to some ‘how to’ articles in Parents, but address a topic that is not only a minor household or child care issue, but a major women’s and social issue, showing how every family could participate in a change of society, and future generations as a whole. She writes, “while we fight for broader changes and solid policy to dismantle gender inequality on a larger scale, we can start with important, micro changes in our home. No one else is going to do it for us.” (Freeman, “Women Still Do Most Work At Home, But Here's How You Can Change That”)
The phenomenon that fathers often receive praise when doing minor childcare activities, such as going shopping with children, while mothers do not receive the same praise, is also addressed in a number of articles on Scary Mommy. Elizabeth Broadbent, for example, even named her
90 article “Stop Telling My Husband He’s Awesome, And Here’s Why” in which she discourages praise for her husband for tasks that she does every day without anyone taking any notice of it. Broadbent criticizes that he is praised, “because he dares to leave the house with three kids. And then proceeds to do the same crap I do every single damn day […] Because that’s how it works in the world. Dads get credit for basic parenting. Moms get crapped on for the exact same thing.” (Broadbent, “Stop Telling My Husband He's Awesome, And Here's Why”) In this article, Broadbent vocalizes her frustration with the remaining traditional image in society that sees women in the role of the sole provider for children, with fathers occasionally taking over this role as an exceptional favor, instead of seeing these tasks as part of their ‘natural’ role as fathers (see chapter 2.).
On a similar issue, Cassandra Stone discusses a post of Kristina Kuzmic in which she expresses her frustration with the common practice to make men look incompetent in childcare in various media outlets such as movies, magazines, or internet posts, leading to the stereotype that men cannot take proper care of children without the help of women. Stone challenges the representation of women being the only possible care takers and the gender that ultimately is best in taking care of children, distancing itself from the ‘traditional’ motherhood ideology. Stone emphasizes that this representation was created, and society has and is ‘conditioned’ to believe this to be true. Stone actively calls for an opposition to this view by giving credit to fathers and encouraging the notion that fathers are equally suitable to be a parent as mothers are. (Stone, “Mom Writes Post On Why We Need To Stop Acting Like Dads Are Incompetent”)
Brandon Daniels, a working husband to a stay-at-home mother, offers his personal experience in a blog post titled “Why I’m In Awe Of Stay-At-Home Parents”. Daniels shares his expectations of being a stay-at-home dad before actually having children, involving a relaxing family breakfast, an afternoon nap, and a lovely barbecue in the evening for dinner. (Daniels) Daniels goes on to correct himself stating that he was not describing parenthood, but rather being retired. When his wife is away for a couple of days, he experiences first-hand what being a stay-at-home parent really means. Nevertheless, he has difficulties finding the right words to describe it and decides to use a metaphor: Imagine you’re the pilot of a Boeing 787, except instead of having jet engines, you keep the plane in the air with two bicycle pedals at your feet. […] When you finally land at the airport after 8 hours of continuous strenuous pedaling, you’re tired and drained, emotionally and physically. The passengers don’t thank you, they don’t mention how amazing it was you kept a 545,000-pound aircraft in the air. They don’t even acknowledge you. Instead, you discover they pooped their pants, and it’s your
91 job to clean them up. That’s being a stay-at-home parent. And I only did it for three days. Heading back to work was like a vacation. (Daniels)
He concludes the blog post by advising spouses of stay-at-home parents to acknowledge the tasks a stay-at-home parent does every day, as well as help out with chores as often as possible. Furthermore, he suggests taking care of one’s partner, enabling them to have adult leisure time by taking care of the children on one’s own, as well as thanking them regularly. (Daniels) This plea towards the readers supports the previously discussed issue of the work of mothers often going unrewarded (see chapter 3.3.)
Consumerism
Parents In both Parents and Scary Mommy, apart from classic articles, texts about consumer products are included. In these sections, facets of exhaustion and excessive demands are included as well. The article “All The Feels”, located in the section ‘Mom’, includes many images and advertisements for a variety of beauty products, and also addresses exhaustion in a seemingly scientific way. The article cites scientific studies and offers opinions from experts, without naming the studies or giving the credentials of the expert. (Breakey, “All The Feels” 35–36). The advertisements in this section are incorporated in the text and, while typically not naming a specific product of a specific brand, refer to the products shown next to the article.
Exhaustion and excessive demands are mentioned frequently in this article, always offering consumer products as a solution for them, such as when the author states, “I have to wash my hair with my favorite shampoo or I just don’t feel prepared for dealing with my kids” (Breakey, “All The Feels” 36) Furthermore, when exhaustion is addressed, beauty products are given as the solution to keeping up one’s appearance.
The article includes findings that personal time, massages, and simple touches help to reduce stress levels. As the aim of this article is to market beauty products, it is presented that stress and exhaustion can easily be overcome by using specific products: Maybe your primer is so irresistibly silky that you can’t wait to wake up in the morning and apply it. […] Every expert we talked to told us that for women, especially moms, the experience that comes with using a product can be so deeply delightful that it actually helps get us through the day. (Breakey, “All The Feels” 35– 36)
92 Different products are connected to different experts explaining their findings about how these products can reduce stress e.g., “even a light touch can raise endorphins and cause your body to secrete oxytocin – the same happy-brain chemical that’s released when you’re breastfeeding or having an orgasm” (Breakey, “All The Feels” 36). This statement is used to describe the advantages of face cream. Another paragraph describes the benefits of a lotion, “[m]oms are pulled and touched so much in a needy and demanding way […] so be sure to make this a moment for yourself; research shows that even taking 30 seconds to apply a pleasant lotion can counteract daily stressors.” (Breakey, “All The Feels” 37) A beneficial effect of a consumer product is put into context with ‘scientific studies’, however, it is not mentioned which studies exactly were used. General findings, such as the positive effects that a massage or physical contact can have, are connected to beauty products, without offering sources or citing studies that conducted the research. Additionally, exhaustion is often addressed in single sentences or in side comments, such as “[w]e’ve got low-effort tricks so you can look like the cool mom, even when you feel like the tired mom with juice on her shirt and a pocket full of Legos.” (Wikiel 108)
The influence beauty products can have is highlighted and even exaggerated in parenting magazines. For example, in the article “The Week I Just Wore Lipstick” the author cites Maggie Ford Danielson, who has two children and works in the beauty industry. Danielson stated that, “when I got through those newborn months and started putting on makeup again, I thought, ‘Oh right now I remember who I am’” (Sandoval Box) She then goes on to describe a stressful Saturday morning that is saved by her remembering to apply lipstick. (Sandoval Box)
The task of getting one’s home in order is also dealt with in the article “How I Came to Love the Home I Have” that includes paragraphs such as, “[s]eriously, I had no idea of the jolt of joy a broom could give me. […] I upgraded my broom and dustpan for more attractive models […]. My new cleaning tools instantly brightened my kitchen and gave me a ping of happiness when I used them.” (L. Fenton, “How I Came to Love the Home I Have” 84) This paragraph is followed by an column advertising all kinds of stylish cleaning supplies, connecting consumerism to the demands of housekeeping. (L. Fenton, “How I Came to Love the Home I Have” 84)
93 Scary Mommy In contrast to Parents, when products are advertised on Scary Mommy, they are either posts marked clearly as advertisements that exclusively show one product after the other, or advertisements that are included in the text of blog posts. The products themselves are in general not shown, and if they are, no professional photographs are used, but rather amateur images of the products being used. (see chapter 5). There was no particular blog article found that connected the products to exhaustion or excessive demands, as most of them either focused on safety issues or on children’s products.
Physical Effects, Appearance and Self-Care
Parents A pregnancy and having children often has effects on the body and mind of women. There was a number of articles found in Parents that deal with an aspect of this. The article “Muscle Power? Yes, Please!” with the subtitle “Forget about the baby weight. It’s time to focus on gaining the strength you need to get through the marathon of motherhood” (Wadyka 42) is included in the subsection ‘Mom’. It compares motherhood to a marathon, representing it, therefore, as highly exhausting, physically challenging, and something that has to be trained for.
The issue of body image and the pressure to lose the additional ‘baby weight’ that mothers often gain in pregnancy is also addressed in the section “Ages + Stages”, paradoxically in ‘The Imperfection Issue’, and includes the following: [i]t takes nine months for your body to grow to make room for your baby, and you should give yourself a year to rebound. […] Two to three weeks after a vaginal birth without complications (or four to five after a caesarean), you can start brisk walking and move to jogging or another activity you enjoy within a week or two. From there, you can work up to 30 minutes of vigorous exercise – more if you have the time and energy – five or six days a week.” (Daly 113)
Considering the message that should supposedly be transmitted in this issue, this advice seems to be in stark contrast to that. Thirty minutes of vigorous exercise five or six days a week, while caring for an infant, starting only a few weeks after birth, indeed puts a lot of pressure on new mothers who are still struggling with the changes that are happening in their life, while trying to adjust to the new additional workload.
94 The ‘importance’ of reducing weight after a pregnancy is also dealt with in the May issue, when a stroller is advertised as wonderful sporting equipment (Mary Anderson, “It's Time to Get #StrollerStrong!”) and in the July issue when three to four exercise sessions of each 30 to 40 minutes are recommended to mothers. (Mary Anderson, “Get Your Abs Back” 52) The magazine, therefore, clearly focuses on giving advice on how to lose weight after giving birth, rather than on changing the public perception of the female body after having a baby or strengthening the acceptance of having a different body after giving birth. This not only adds emotional pressure on women to be slim as soon as possible after giving birth, but also stress regarding time, because they are supposed to take a substantial amount time and energy for vigorous workouts every week.
Scary Mommy In contrast to focusing on physical appearance, many blogposts on Scary Mommy put their emphasis on self-care, for example when highlighting the importance of adult leisure time for mothers. This topic is breeched, for example, by Christina Freeman who emphasizes that a yoga class once a week is not enough, and mothers should take time for themselves every day. (Freeman, “Why Every Mom Needs A POST-Birth Plan”) As seen in chapter 3.3, adult leisure time gets drastically reduced for women when they have children, with this blog post addressing this issue in particular.
The need of support and solidarity was already discussed previously. Nevertheless, this issue is also included here, because in some articles support was explicitly stated as being essential for the mental well-being of mothers. Wendy Wisner, for example, describes breastfeeding as exhausting and mentally draining, putting the emphasis on the importance of taking care of oneself and accepting support. (Wisner, “To The Mom In Cluster Feeding Hell”)
Regarding weight gain during pregnancy, Scary Mommy bloggers encourage their readers to take their time and not be pressured by society: Our society often assigns value based on size and weight. Of course, returning to my pre-pregnancy weight would be nice. But what would be even better would be to give birth and raise my two children without the emotional or mental turmoil associated with low self-esteem related to nonsense weight standards. […] And in a time this delicate, when new mothers are adjusting to the demands of new motherhood, we can’t afford to make these assumptions anymore. (Rochaun)
Meadows-Fernandez expresses how society puts pressure on women, thus also affecting the upbringing of children. She emphasizes that the values based on size and weight are put into
95 place by society and are, therefore, not natural but created through representation in the media. She openly speaks about the problems that this brings for women, such as low self-esteem. As was already discussed in the theoretical part, (see chapters 3.2. and 4.7.) the representation of fit, slim mothers, contributes to a highly romanticized version of motherhood. Meadows- Fernandez criticizes that the added pressure to ‘get back one’s figure’ is unnecessary and unhealthy, as the focus should be on the well-being of mother and child.
Another aspect that is frequently discussed on Scary Mommy is the health of mothers. Blog authors seem especially frustrated with the lack of open dialogue about this topic. Cassandra Stone, for example, writes about a social media post by Kate Clancy who openly speaks about the variety of health issues she suffered after the birth of her second child. In the original post Clancy writes: […] my mastitis are giving me debilitating heartburn, so now seems like a good time to share with you my postpartum experience and why it’s bullshit that it’s so understudied. I recently learned my university is considering […] studying the first 100 days for baby to maximize infant health. What about 100 days for mom? […] (Stone, “Twitter Thread Nails Why Maternity Leave Matters for Both Babies and Moms”)
Stone agrees with Clancy, emphasizing that the interest in the health of the mother ends as soon as the baby is born. The article is written in light of the necessity of maternity leave and the problems connected to cutting it short due to the pressure of employers, co-workers, as well as society as a whole. This ties in with the previously discussed frustration of mothers and the representation that they should always strive to ‘have it all’ (see chapter 2.2. and 4.6.). As was previously discussed, this notion can have a myriad of negative effects on the expectations, as well as the actual experience of motherhood, putting women under enormous pressure to achieve unrealistic standards.
Home Organization, Recipes and Crafting
Parents In Parents magazine, an additional section did include references to exhaustion and excessive demands. The section ‘Life’ deals with the demands of housekeeping and family organization. The January issue includes a poll of Parents showing that home organization is an important topic for parents, and 89 percent of parents confessed that they thought their house was untidy. (L. Fenton, “Clean Up Your Clutter Zones” 53) In this article, tips and tricks of how to declutter and organize one’s home to reduce the workload, are presented. The importance of a tidy home 96 is further emphasized by stating the negative effect a cluttered home has on the participants in the previously mentioned study done by Parents magazine. According to the survey, 65 percent of the interviewees feel anxious or on edge until they can deal with it, 46 percent feel overwhelmed and 39 percent mention that they feel embarrassed for anyone to see it. (L. Fenton, “Clean Up Your Clutter Zones” 53-55, 58) This study claims to show that the cleanliness of one’s home is indeed important for one’s emotional well-being. Similar to other issues in this article, the focus is on problem solving, and the poll is accompanied by a myriad of pieces of advice on how to keep house.
Parents magazine regularly includes intricate craft works that parents are supposed to do with their children, such as upcycling old tissue boxes into post boxes for Valentine’s Day (see figure 20). (Stoney 74–76) The crafts presented in Parents are frequently very elaborate and it can be assumed that they need a great amount of time and actual talent to create them in this way. Apart from working and raising their children, it is implied that ‘good’ mothers have to be great at crafting as well, being able to decorate their home with a variety of creative do-it-yourself projects, as was discussed in chapters 2.2., 4.6. and 4.7.
Figure 20: Valentine's Day crafting (Stoney 74) Similarly, the recipes in the magazine are presented as easy to make or prepare beforehand, while they still look very elaborate and ‘Instagram worthy’. An example for this is the Easter treats from the ‘Imperfection Issue’ in April. While the treats are supposed to be easy and fast to make, they are still elaborate and require a lot of different steps and therefore, time to create. The way these treats are represented, however, implies that they can be easily Figure 21: Easy, but 'instagrammable' treats made. Therefore, every mother should be able to do ‘at (Howard 46) least’ these treats if she is not ‘capable’ of doing the ‘real advanced’ treats (see figure 21). Thus,
97 it is communicated that some form of creative baking is the minimum standard that is expected from mothers. The look of the dishes, if they are ‘Instagrammable’, is the main focus, not the taste or the nutritional value of the meals. Again, it can be seen that the ‘look’ is important, encouraging mothers to share pictures of their creations and further participating in competitive comparisons on various social platforms.
Scary Mommy There were no tips on home organization, recipes, or crafting ideas included on Scary Mommy, so these aspects could not be analyzed in blog posts in comparison to magazine articles.
Confessions
Parents Some form of confessions could be found both in Parents, as well as on Scary Mommy. As these confessions are small, honest, and very personal insights into the personal life of parents, they do include aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands. In Parents, confessions are not a regular part of the magazine, but are included from time to time. One example is the January issue which includes a short text unit called “The Lie I Tell My Kid”. It includes little stories readers sent to the magazine in which they confess little white lies that they tell their children to elicit a certain behavior or avoid conflicts. (Grimm) The confessions included in Parents do not reveal any deep inner thoughts, but rather little peaks into the everyday life of mothers. This keeps in line with the overall theme in Parents. While negative issues and issues of exhaustion and excessive demands are addressed, the authors and editors have always tried to keep the articles and texts, as well as the images connected to them light-hearted and superficial.
Scary Mommy The sub section ‘Confess’ on Scary Mommy was and is used in a very different way. It allows readers to get into immediate contact with the community on Scary Mommy. In this section, mothers can anonymously post and share their feelings. Readers have the possibility to like a post, send the writer hugs and click a button titled ‘me too’, expressing that they share a similar feeling. In 2018, the posts in this section included light or funny posts sharing an honest opinion about a movie or a family member, but also a wide variety of deep and desperate feelings of exhaustion and excessive demands of mothers.
98 In the following, some examples of confessional posts connected with exhaustion and excessive demands on Scary Mommy are shown. There are many abbreviations used in the comments creating a kind of code language. DH is an abbreviation for ‘Dear Husband’, H stands for ‘Husband’, DD for ‘Dear Daughter’, and DS for ‘Dear Son’. Sometimes a number is added afterwards indicating the age of the children.
Figure 22: Confession #25750254 Figure 23: Confession #25750228 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)
Figure 24: Confession #25750230 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) Figure 25: Confession #25750253 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)
Figure 27: Confessional #25750213 Figure 26: Confession #25750217 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)
Figure 28: Confession #25750210 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) Figure 29: Confession #25750292 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)
Figure 30: Confession #25750282 Figure 31: Confession #25750265 (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”)
These are only some examples of the countless confessions dealing with excessive demands and exhaustion in motherhood. Some posts address the issue of feeling alone and having no time for oneself or for friends (see figure 24 and 31), while some deal with the pressure and stress that a difficult financial situation can bring (see figure 22 and 27).
99 The posts dealing directly with exhaustion and excessive demands (see figure 22, 23, 25, 26, 28, 29, 30 and 31) are shocking and reveal the frustration and desperation mothers can feel about these issues. Humor is rarely found in these posts, as they address serious, difficult, and potentially dangerous topics (mentions of harming oneself or one’s children are not a rarity).
The exhaustion from having to shoulder most of the household tasks, as well as being often solely responsible for the upbringing of the children is clearly expressed in many posts, as well as the frustration that is experienced when having a spouse who is not supportive (see chapter 3.4). Another aspect that is dealt with is the temperament of the child. Many confessions include negative feelings and talk about situations in which they had to deal with a screaming or badly behaving child, or a child with irregular sleeping rhythms without anything in their power to do about it (see figure 25, 29 and 30).
Similarly, in an article on Scary Mommy, Sha’iyda Shabazz writes about her negative feelings and the frustration and anger she often feels when dealing with her son, who can be very stubborn. Shabazz admits that sometimes his temperament can overwhelm her, making it difficult to react the way she would like to react. Shabazz addresses this concern stating that, “[i]t’s okay to walk away from your children sometimes, especially when it comes to high pressure moments where it is a matter of our sanity.” (Shabazz, “Sometimes You Need To Walk Away From Your Kid - And That's Okay”) Shabazz then includes a story of a situation in which she walked away from a difficult situation from her son to recollect herself and calm down and make sure to deal with him in a de-escalating way instead of shouting back at him. She describes the difficulty of this situation as her son begs her to stay and not leave him. She expresses the guilt she felt stating: Well, I’m calling bullshit on all that. You’re not a bad mom if you walk away for a minute to get your shit together. If your kid is being a pint-sized bottle rocket, you have every right to step away and get your head in the game. We cannot prioritize their frustrations over our own; it’s not healthy for anyone. […] When my son pushed me, I was about to reach out and spank him, which I am vehemently opposed to doing. But I felt helpless, and spanking him seemed like it would be the only way to get my point across. I knew I had to get away from him to save both of us a lot of trauma. (Shabazz, “Sometimes You Need To Walk Away From Your Kid - And That's Okay”)
Shabazz deals with her frustration about her own expectations of herself as a mother. She does not represent herself as a strong, powerful, ‘having it all’ mother, but instead as a human being with flaws, who tries to do the best for her child, emphasizing that she in no way is ‘perfect’. This article includes a plea to readers that it is absolutely ‘normal’ and acceptable to have flaws,
100 to experience anger, and to not always be calm and collected, representing the opposite of the traditional ideology of motherhood. In line with this sentiment, Scary Mommy adds the comment, “[y]ou know we’re there for you, mama, but if you’re struggling, there are people who can help you.” (Scary Mommy, “Confessional”) at the end of the webpage. This statement is followed by a link to a page that includes information about organizations that mothers can contact when they need help and support in a more substantial way, e.g. when having suicidal thoughts, postpartum depressions or dealing with issues of alcoholism or domestic violence.
The high number of confessions posted on Scary Mommy, as well as the many responses in the form of virtual hugs are an indicator that many women indeed are looking for an outlet to voice their true feelings. The deep and often painful confessions made by mothers are shocking and sad and show how difficult motherhood is for many mothers who still feel that they cannot speak honestly about their negative feelings and, therefore, chose to post them in an anonymous way on a website. Many of the confessions are connected to exhaustion and excessive demands, as well as frustration with the unpreparedness and the unrealistic expectations mothers feel society has of them.
7.3. Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Images Used in Parents and Scary Mommy
In this section of the thesis, the pictures accompanying the articles in Parents and Scary Mommy are analyzed. In order to do this, the images were counted and categorized in two ways. Firstly, the ratio of men and women in the pictures was calculated. Secondly, the expressions and demeanors of the women in the pictures were analyzed, categorizing them into positive, neutral, and negative expressions. Positive expressions include smiling, laughing, calmness, while negative ones include distress, exhaustion, sadness, worry, etc. Furthermore, there is a variety of images that show women either with no clear distinction of a positive or negative expression, or images that focused on women but do not show their facial expressions (e.g. a picture showing the belly of a pregnant woman). These images were added to the category ‘neutral’. It needs to be added that only images depicting adults, and only photographs, not drawings of adults, are used for this statistic. Pictures showing only children were not included.
101 Another aspect that needs to be addressed is that the majority of the images used in Parents seem to have been made specifically for the articles. On Scary Mommy, on the other hand, most of the photos used are stock photos that can be bought and were not taken with a specific blog post in mind. In addition to stock photos, Scary Mommy frequently uses personal photographs of the authors, often made with smartphones or other handheld devices.
When analyzing the images that show either women or men in Parents, the overwhelming majority of pictures, 520 of 670 (77.61 percent) show only women. 73 pictures (10.90 percent) depict only men and 77 pictures (11.49 percent) illustrate both men and women. In contrast, in Scary Mommy 3466 of 6099 (56.83 percent) images show just women and 1192 (19.54 percent) show only men. 1441 (23.63 percent) of the pictures depict both men and women. In total, that adds up to 597 (89.10 percent) of all pictures including women and 150 (22.39 percent) including men in Parents and 4907 (80.46 percent) of all pictures including women and 2633 (43.17 percent) including men on Scary Mommy respectively.
Table 5: Proportion of pictures depicting men and women in Parents and Scary Mommy
Only women Only men Women and men Parents 77.6 % 10.9 % 11.5 % Scary Mommy 56.8 % 19.5 % 23.6 %
In both Parents and Scary Mommy, women in total, both on their own as well as together with men, are significantly more often depicted than men in total (89.10 percent vs. 22.39 percent in Parents and 80.46 percent vs. 43.17 percent on Scary Mommy), confirming traditional ideologies that see mothers as the main caretakers of children within a family. Nevertheless, the difference is much lower on Scary Mommy than on Parents, even though the literal titles of the parenting magazine and the blog would suggest the opposite. In total, on Scary Mommy, the ratios of pictures of only men, of pictures of both men and women, as well as the total amount of images depicting men are all higher than in Parents (see figure 32).
102 Representation of Women and Men in the Images Used in Parents and Scary Mommy (in percent) 100 89.1 90 77.61 80.46 80 70 60 56.83 50 43.17 40 30 23.63 19.54 22.39 20 10.9 11.49 10 0 Only Women Only Men Women and Men Total Women Total Men
Parents Scary Mommy
Figure 32: Representation of women and men in the images used in Parents and Scary Mommy in percent
When considering the emotions depicted in the images, Parents magazine shows mostly positive images. 520 (87.10 percent) of the 597 pictures that include women, show them in a positive way, either laughing, smiling, or playing. Only 34 images (5.7 percent) include distressed or exhausted women, with the remaining 43 (7.2 percent) depicting them with either a neutral expression or without their faces. In comparison, the images used on Scary Mommy are distributed more evenly. While 1938 (39.49 percent) images illustrate women with a positive expression, almost the same amount, 2013 (41.02 percent) either depict women with a neutral expression or do not show their expressions. The remaining 956 (19.48 percent) images include women expressing negative emotions such as distress, exhaustion, anxiety, or sadness. Therefore, it can be deducted that in parenting magazines, such as Parents, the focus is on conveying positive aspects of motherhood and representing mothers as almost always smiling, ‘fun’ parents who do not concern themselves too much with the negative aspects of motherhood. On the other hand, on Scary Mommy, while still showing more positive than negative expressions of women, the ratio is much more balanced than in Parents. Most of the images used on Scary Mommy show women with a neutral expression or no facial expression. Furthermore, on Scary Mommy a large number of photographs only include parts of women, e.g. the belly of pregnant women or children hugging a woman, with the focus on the children and not showing the woman’s face (see figure 33).
103 Representation of Emotions in Images in Parents and Scary Mommy (in percent) 100 87.1 90 80 70 60 50 39.49 41.02 40 30 19.48 20 7.2 10 5.7 0 Positive Expressions Neutral Expressions Negative Expressions
Parents Scary Mommy
Figure 33: Representation of Emotions in Images in Parents and Scary Mommy (in percent)
The qualities of the expressions are also widely different in Parents and on Scary Mommy. Most of the images used in Parents are created especially for the articles they are used for. Therefore, these images are created in a studio to specifically show women in a situation that suits the article they are supposed to accompany. As a result, in many images the negative expressions are exaggerated. The women depicted are slim with perfectly styled hair and make-up, wearing the newest fashion trend in a perfectly decorated environment, while their mimic and gestures, as well as body posture are supposed to convey a feeling of stress and exhaustion. The children are also wearing clothes according to the newest trends which are in perfect condition with no stains on them. Thus, stressful situations are represented in a less serious way, showing that while motherhood can be stressful, mothers should always have the time to take care of their physical appearance. In conclusion, the images used in Parents, which are supposed to show distressed women are highly unrealistic and do not accurately show women in stressful, demanding, or exhausting situations.
An example of this is shown in figure 34. While the woman, assumed to be the mother of the child and therefore referred to as ‘mother’ in the following, does have a distressed expression, she is perfectly styled, as is the little girl. The girl is even wearing white sneakers in perfect condition without any dirt or mud stains on them. Furthermore, while some toys are purposefully put on the floor to simulate an untidy house, in the back of the photograph an end table with a cactus and a vase on it, in a height that could easily be reached by the children, is
104 shown. While this adds to the aesthetics of the photograph, these are highly unlikely objects to have in reach of small children, especially because the article implies that the children constantly fight with each other.
In contrast to this image, a picture used on Scary Mommy (see figure 35) for an article with similar content, does not show a parent. This is quite common in images on Scary Mommy. In this case, a boy and a girl are fighting over the remote control. This image seems quite realistic, because the children can be seen holding and pushing each other, with both of them wearing socks and typical children’s clothing with simple pants and sweaters/shirts.
Figure 35: Image accompanying a blog post on Scary Mommy about not getting involved in siblings quarreling (Vered)
Figure 34: Image accompanying an article in Parents about not getting involved in siblings quarreling (Glembocki, “Stop Being The Mom In The Middle” 25)
Another image like figure 34 can be found in the April issue (the ‘Imperfection Issue’) with an article that encourages women to not shout at their children in difficult situations. In this image (see figure 36), a woman is shown in a supposedly distressing situation, again being very stylish (in light colors, with furniture in pastel colors) and with perfect make-up and hair in a highly unrealistic pose, thinking of a safe word that could be used instead of shouting at the children.
No corresponding article could be found on Scary Mommy in 2018, but one was found in 2017. Thus, a picture from a blog entry in 2017 is used for comparison (figure 37). In contrast to the mother in figure 36, the one in figure 37 is covering her face with her (perfectly manicured) hands, which could be interpreted as a sign of distress, frustration, or defeat. The facial
105 expression itself cannot be seen. The photograph puts the woman in the clear focus and nothing else can be seen in the picture that could possibly take away the emphasis of the distressed pose of the woman.
Figure 37: Image accompanying an article about trying not to yell at children anymore on Scary Mommy (Cottrell)
Figure 36: Image accompanying the article "Refuse to Lose It" 74 (Glembocki, “Refuse to Lose It” 74)
Figure 39: Cover image of the blog post "Your Body Is Telling You To Stay Home When You're Sick, So Listen To It" (M. L. Fenton, “Your Body Is Telling You To Stay Home When You're Sick, So Listen To It”)
Figure 38: Title photo of the article "One Sick Mama" (Janes 76)
Figure 38, taken from the May issue of Parents, shows a supposedly sick mother, in a perfectly decorated room with details in the background (e.g. doll, tissue box). While a sick mother is depicted in this picture, the way the photograph is organized, with the mother sitting in a colorful onesie with a smiling baby in her lap and a thermometer in her mouth, does not evoke a convincing feeling of an ill mother struggling with the situation, but instead it seems orchestrated.
106 The image used on Scary Mommy for a similar article shows a more realistic picture of a mother being sick. The woman (see figure 39) is shown lying down in her bed while blowing her nose. Used tissues are scattered all around her and there are very few colors shown. With the lack of bright colors, different patterns, or smiling babies, the focus is not taken away from the mother.
Figure 40: Image of a distressed mother in a Johnson's advertisement (“Johnson's Advertisement”)
Figure 41: Image accompanying the article "Your Most Pressing Laundry Questions - Answered!" (Corona 134)
The picture that included the most realistic portrayal of an exhausted or distressed woman in all the 12 issues of Parents was an image that accompanied a Johnson’s advertisement, used in several issues, showing a woman carrying two toddlers with the slogan “We added one-handed pumps because you’ve got your hands full” (“Johnson's Advertisement”) (see figure 40). The woman is shown struggling with her children and her facial expression illustrates her distress in a realistic way, with her hair being unkept and the focus not being on her style, but on the situation.
In figure 41, an image can be seen that was used with the article “Your Most Pressing Laundry Questions – Answered!” in the October issue of Parents. In this picture, the household task of doing laundry is addressed and a woman is shown carrying a laundry basket overfilled with laundry. The face of the woman cannot be seen due to the volume of the laundry. This image touches upon the issue of excessive demands of mothers. It is supposed to show the amount of laundry that piles up within a family which is still, for the most part, done by women. The face of the woman cannot be seen, but it can be assumed, as found by researchers (see chapter 3.3), that for most women this task is stressful, and not one they enjoy. Therefore, Parents
107 consciously chose not to show a picture of a distressed woman, but instead hid her face altogether.
The images used on Scary Mommy, on the other hand, are in stark contrast to this, not editing the images or avoiding pictures of exhausted women. In figure 42, a mother clearly exhausted and in a stressful situation can be seen. The image accompanies the blog entry “Why I F*cking Hate Bedtime” emphasizing the aversion the writer has against this time of the day. The image represents a stressed-out mother, and in stark contrast to the images in Parents, the situation looks very realistic, with the lighting being suboptimal and the image being blurry in parts. Furthermore, it does not appear that a stylist or interior decorator was involved in taking this picture. Instead, it shows a genuine representation of a stressful situation in motherhood.
Figure 42: Image accompanying the article "Why I F*cking Hate Bedtime"(K. Johnson, “Why I F*cking Hate Bedtime”)
Figure 43: Postpartum picture accompanying a social media post (Stone, “Mom Shares Honest Postpartum Pic: 'This Is Real, This Is Childbirth'”)
Figure 44: Picture in social media post 3 weeks postpartum (Stone, “Mom Shares Honest Postpartum Pic: 'This Is Real, This Is Childbirth'”)
108 The graphic misrepresentation, especially of early motherhood, is also addressed in another blog entry that refers to the social media post of Nat Jorge-Martin, a new mother, including a postpartum picture (see figures 43). The reasons for posting this picture are explained by the author: Why would I post this picture? You can see all the cellulite on my fat legs. My stomach looks huge, like I am still pregnant. My ankles are so swollen they look like logs. You can see the pad in my unflattering hospital panties. I have no makeup on and my hair hasn’t been brushed in days. Why would I post this picture? Because this is postpartum. This is REAL. THIS IS CHILDBIRTH. You will not bounce back once that baby comes out of you. You will not ‘lose the baby weight’ super quickly. Your ankles will still be swollen and your belly will still be round. And there’s NOTHING wrong with that. You just brought a baby into the world.” (Stone, “Mom Shares Honest Postpartum Pic: 'This Is Real, This Is Childbirth'”)
In her blog post, Stone includes another photo of Jorge-Martin, that was posted 3 weeks postpartum (see figure 44). In this photo, only her stomach and her baby lying next to her can be seen. She addresses the visible stretch marks on her stomach, as well as still looking pregnant in the text, representing an honest experience of a mother without any filters or editing.
An interesting approach, considering the topics and the images accompanying them, can be found in Parents. It seems that when dealing with a topic considered difficult or uncomfortable, the pictures that are printed with these articles either do not represent these topics, or abstract drawings are used instead of real photographs.
An example for the first is a shorty on the practical topic of breast pump cleaning, which includes a picture of a father bottle feeding a baby. Pumping breast milk has become more and more of an issue, especially because many mothers start working soon after they have a baby. Breast milk is recommended as the best nutrition for a baby up until they are six months old. This adds excessive demands on Figure 45: Image accompanying the article "A Sane Guide to Breast-Pump Cleaning" (“A Sane Guide to Breast-Pump mothers, as they have to pump milk multiple Cleaning”) times a day, mostly in their workplace and during their breaks. The pump and the gear used for it have to be cleaned properly, adding another time-consuming task to the process. The article addresses this issue and provides a recommendation on how to make the cleaning process more efficient. While this is a highly
109 specific topic that is for a large part about the technicalities of a very tedious, repetitive, and time-consuming task, mostly done by mothers as they often pump while they are alone, the accompanying picture does not address any of these aspects. Instead, it shows a father bottle- feeding a baby (see figure 45). The additional work load of pumping is only addressed in the beginning, when it is stated that pumping mothers deserved a “high five”. (“A Sane Guide to Breast-Pump Cleaning”).
The second approach that is taken when talking about uncomfortable topics can, for example, be seen in the article “Anxiety on Board” in the March issue of Parents (see figure 46). Again, no ‘real’ woman in distress is shown, but the magazine decided instead, to show a drawing of a woman. The representation is highly stylized, and the chosen colors evoke a feeling of gloominess. Furthermore, as the image is not a realistic depiction of a woman, it is difficult to make a connection to this ‘person’, limiting the level of empathy that can be experienced when looking at the image. (King Lindley 67) Similarly, an article of a foster father who takes in only terminally ill children and provides them with a home, is also accompanied by a drawing, rather than a photograph (see figure 47). (Bzeek and Chin 78)
Figure 47: Title image of the article "I Love Them Like My Own" (Bzeek and Chin)
Figure 46: Title image of the article "Anxiety on Board" (King Lindley 66)
An article about mothers drinking alcohol focuses on the negative implications and the trivialization of alcohol used as a coping mechanism for dealing with negative aspects of motherhood. Exhaustion and excessive demands are addressed a number of times in this article
110 as reasons why some mothers consume more alcohol when they have children. A survey conducted by Parents magazine finds that more than 80 percent of the mothers named relaxation as one of the main reasons why they drink alcohol. (Mascia 88). Some also state a feeling of isolation, as well as a feeling of unfamiliarity with their new role as mothers as reasons. The article touches upon the issue of how much drinking is too much and ways to keep a healthy limit. Towards the end of the article, mothers are encouraged to practice self-care, for example, by leaving the handling of bedtime to the spouse a couple of times a week and using the time to do sports activities. This shows an aspect that was addressed previously and includes the importance of sharing responsibilities and participating in child care and household activities, thus, allowing mothers to re-claim some adult leisure time. (Mascia 90)
7.4. Representation of Exhaustion and Excessive Demands in Motherhood in Advertisements in Parents and Scary Mommy
As a magazine, advertising is the main business for Parents. Each issue of Parents includes many advertisements. Furthermore, advertisements are included and incorporated into texts in various articles, such as beauty products or recommendations for toys, apps, kitchen supplies, etc. While the text units of the magazine try to address issues of equality and the workload of women in some places, many advertisements still often use a highly stereotypical angle as can be seen in figures 48 to 53. The stereotypical view that women are mainly responsible for the household and upbringing of children (see chapter 2 and 3) is especially strong in these advertisements.
An advertisement for batteries, for example, shows a slim Caucasian woman who pays attention to detail and to her appearance (the nails are painted perfectly, and she wears sophisticated clothing). The slogan reads, “If only everything was as reliable as Rayovac.” (“Rayovac Advertisement”). It is implied that women are in charge of the domestic sphere, similar to a supervisor who is in charge of her employees. (see figure 48).
Similarly, in figure 49 the advertisement for a floor cleaner shows a text conversation in which a man, supposedly the partner of the woman, brags to one of his friends about how clean the floors of their home are. The woman immediately and happily takes to the broom to fulfil the promise her partner has made to a friend. The additional workload this meant for her, and the other tasks she may have had to fulfil are not addressed in this advertisement. Furthermore, the
111 kitchen shown in the image of this advertisement is spotless and tidy. Although this advertisement is included in Parents magazine, no signs of children living in this household are visible. This implies that if a mother is working hard enough, a kitchen can always be kept in perfect condition even with kids.
This theme can also be seen in other advertisements (see figure 50). In this image, a woman is marveling at her reflection with the slogan, “If it shines, you shine.” (“Pledge Advertisement”) conveying that a woman’s value is judged by her household skills and the tidiness and cleanliness of a house is the sole responsibility of women, not men.
The IKEA kitchen advertisement seen in figure 51 includes the slogan “Everyone deserves their own private island.” (“IKEA Advertisement”) It shows a woman cooking dinner with the kitchen island as her own private island. While private islands are usually associated with vacation and leisure time, in this context the woman is shown working on her kitchen island.
The aspect of boredom that is connected with housework, as discussed in chapter 3, is addressed in the advertisement of Mrs. Meyers Dish Soap, which claims that “A little Lemon Verbena sure takes the Bore out of The Chore” (“Advertisement "Mrs. Meyers Dish Soap"”). This conveys that negative characteristics of housework can easily be overcome by simply using a specific product (see figure 52).
Most of the advertisements about the physical care of children include pictures of a perfectly styled mother leaning over or holding a baby. Quite frequently, the imagery does not correspond to the work or task addressed (e.g. applying a rash cream while changing a diaper), but showing mother and baby smiling at each other (see figure 53). In this case, the mother is clearly seen as the primary caretaker of infants, as the slogan states, “Loved By Moms, Recommended By Paediatricians”, not mentioning fathers at all. (“Aquaphor Advertisement”)
112
Figure 48: Advertisement for batteries (“Rayovac Advertisement”) Figure 49: Advertisement for cleaning supplies (“Bona Advertisement”)
Figure 50: Advertisement for cleaning supplies Figure 51: Advertisement for a kitchen (“Pledge Advertisement”) (“IKEA Advertisement”)
Figure 52: Advertisement for dish soap Figure 53: Advertisement for rash cream (“Advertisement "Mrs. Meyers Dish Soap"”) (“Aquaphor Advertisement”)
113 Anxiety and postpartum depression are also addressed indirectly. In a few issues of Parents in the section ‘Mom’, an advertisement stretching over three full pages for a prescription medicine to treat major depressive disorder in adults is included. It shows a smiling woman representing a fictitious person suffering from this illness. (“Trintellix advertisement”) It needs to be considered that the price of a full page advertisement in Parents was listed at $ 244,000.00, showing how lucrative this market is for a pharma company advertising depressive disorder medication. (Parents Magazine 10)
8. Conclusion
This thesis set out to analyze the different representations of exhaustion and excessive demands of motherhood in parenting magazines and on mommyblogs. The issues in one year, twelve in total, of a parenting magazine (Parents) and all blogposts of one year that were posted on a mommyblog (Scary Mommy), 5396 text units in total, were analyzed regarding the representation of exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood.
It was found that there was a wide discrepancy between this representation in parenting magazines and mommyblogs. In total, 12.7 percent of all analyzed text units in Parents dealt with exhaustion and excessive demands in some way. In contrast, on Scary Mommy, 18,7 percent of the blog posts considered themselves in some form involved with these issues. Examining only the text units that focused explicitly on exhaustion and excessive demands, the difference was even more striking. Only 0.6 percent of all text units in Parents centered around these aspects, while 9.8 percent of all articles on Scary Mommy concerned themselves mainly with these issues. The images used in both media support these findings. While 87.1 percent of all images showing adults in Parents conveyed positive emotions, only 39.49 percent did so on Scary Mommy. In contrast, 5.7 percent showed negative emotions in Parents and 19.48 percent did so on Scary Mommy. Neutral expressions also greatly varied with 7.2 percent of the images revealing this emotion in Parents and 41.02 percent on Scary Mommy.
Not only was the number of text units about exhaustion and excessive demands significantly higher on Scary Mommy, but also the way these matters were dealt with varied greatly. In Parents, aspects of exhaustion and excessive demands were often included in small side notes, generally not dealing with the issues themselves, and downplaying them or using humor to put these severe issues in a lighter context. While this technique was also used by Scary Mommy in
114 some articles, facets of exhaustion and excessive demands were mostly discussed in a much more serious context on the blog platform. The overall tone of the articles, including the language used and the images accompanying the articles was much more sober and thoughtful, putting more focus on the distress of the authors than the articles in Parents.
Furthermore, when exhaustion and excessive demands were the focus in articles in Parents, they typically were not centered around the normal day-to-day life of mothers, but dealt with extraordinary situations, e.g. post-partum depressions. Not a single sincere and honest article focusing on and dealing with the daily struggles and hardships of motherhood could be found in all twelve issues of Parents. In contrast, this was a prevailing topic on Scary Mommy with a great number of blog posts concerning themselves solely with this issue. Many authors on Scary Mommy did indeed voice their frustration with the misrepresentation of motherhood, highlighting the missing discourse of exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood and the romanticization of it in society and popular media.
The research in this thesis has shown that issues of exhaustion and excessive demands are indeed widely mis- or underrepresented in parenting magazines. Due to the limitations of this thesis, only one magazine and one mommyblog within the course of one year (2018) could be analyzed. It would be of great value to further research this topic, including a wider variety of magazines and mommyblogs, as well as monitoring the developments in the representations of motherhood over the course of time. Furthermore, research should not be limited to magazines, and other media should be explored, such as newspapers, movies, TV shows, etc.
Another interesting aspect would be to analyze newer issues of Parents, since Liz Vaccariello mentioned in her letter from the editor in the December issue (Vaccariello, “A Word About Dads” 14) that she was planning to put a greater focus on the role of fathers and a more realistic representation of families. If and how this has been done would be of great interest, since the themes and topics of the articles might also be different with a change towards a more parent- (or even father-) centered approach.
It can be assumed that the mis- and underrepresentation of exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood have a significant impact on the expectations of motherhood in our society as a whole, and especially for mothers-to-be. This notion was found already in previous research, as well as in many articles on Scary Mommy. Nevertheless, no recent research was conducted
115 in this specific area. It would therefore be beneficial if original research in this field was carried out, concentrating on what effect the current representation of motherhood has on mothers today and how this influences their expectations, as well as their actual experiences of motherhood. Further research in this area might raise awareness for the problems unrealistic and romanticized expectations of motherhood may cause, such as feeling overwhelmed, underprepared, shocked and overpowered, even leading to feelings of regret, inadequacy as a mother, or post-partum depressions.
Finally, a more realistic representation of exhaustion and excessive demands in motherhood might lead to a heightened appreciation for mothers with more acknowledgment and gratitude. Motherhood can be, and often is, highly exhausting, challenging, and frustrating. Tasks in motherhood can be compared to tasks in a paid job. This understanding may further highlight the need of support, especially, but not exclusively, from one’s spouse, leading to a fairer distribution of unpaid work in a household and the relief from too much strain on mothers, resulting in a more positive experience of parenthood for both mothers and fathers altogether. Furthermore, a change in the representation of motherhood does not only have sociological, but also political and economic implications, e.g., paid leave for mothers to recover, paid leave for both mothers and fathers for a longer time period, or monetary help for parents.
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