Glee 3X07: I Kissed a Girl Rewrite by Jon D Arthur Original Script By
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Glee 3x07: I Kissed A Girl Rewrite by Jon D Arthur Original script by Matthew Hodgson et. al. Glee’s Third Season Episode "I Kissed A Girl" was really not a good hour of television. It was a poor culmination of plots that had been chugging away surprisingly well. Beiste and Cooter had been dating but Cooter was having trouble getting through to Beiste. Quinn fell into the worst storyline ever and tried to get baby Beth back from Shelby, who was secretly making out with Puck. Rachel dropped out of the student election to help Kurt’s chances, and because it was selfish that she was running in the first place. Yes, it was selfish even by her standards. Finn outed Santana in a hallway which lead to an attack ad on Sue that will out Santana to the entire state of Ohio. That’s not very nice, AND THAT’S WHAT YOU MISSED ON GLEE. 1 EXT. LIONEL Q. FRUMP MEMORIAL PARK - FRIDAY 1400 1 ON-SCREEN TEXT: Friday. It’s a beautiful, sunny day. BRITTANY S. PIERCE AND SANTANA LOPEZ sit on a CHECKERED BLANKET. There is a PICNIC BASKET next to them. Santana reaches in and removes two GLASSES and a bottle of SPARKLING CIDER. SANTANA Well, it’s a lovely day, so I’d like to raise a toast. BRITTANY To what? The sun? Because I hear he’s a real jerk. SANTANA (Laughing) No, not to the sun. BRITTANY Well, who are we toasting then? SANTANA Well... FADE TO: 2 INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE - FRIDAY 1400 2 SHELBY CORCORAN, WILL SCHUESTER, FINN HUDSON and Santana sit opposite PRINCIPAL FIGGINS. Everyone is uncomfortable. Figgins looks stern. It is exactly one week to the hour before Sc. 1. ON-SCREEN TEXT: 7 DAYS AND 2 MINUTES EARLIER. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. FIGGINS There are two things I will not tolerate in this school: vampires and violence. Shelby, confused, mouths "Vampires?" SANTANA That is such crap, and you know it. Kurt had to change schools because- FIGGINS Because of threats of violence. They were not actual threats! SANTANA And I guess that’s why every time he put on a new hideous outfit for Glee Club, we all caught sight of those not-actual bruises that lined the entire side of his body. You know, the locker shaped ones? FIGGINS There were no witnesses to anything. Neither I, nor Sue in my absence, could act. SANTANA There were plenty of witnesses to all the slushies that get thrown at us. FIGGINS There is nothing harmful about a slushie according- SANTANA What if someone puts something in it? FIGGINS ACCORDING to the the guidelines set by the school board. Again, there is nothing I could do. You violated the school’s non-violence policy, and for that a suspension is in order. WILL A suspension? Don’t you think that’s a little bit of an overreaction? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3. SANTANA Great, so I slap Finn, I get suspended, but if a guy torments people he gets a parade because he happens to be on the football team. That is such a double standard. SHELBY Honestly, Santana, I wish that was what was going on here, but both me and Mr. Schuester have spent all week dealing with the fact that both New Directions and the Troubletones have been at each other’s throats, and we both know who was fanning the flames. FINN I didn’t get slapped. Everyone turns to Finn suddenly, confused. WILL Finn? What are you saying? FINN Santana didn’t slap me. It was, uh... what do you call it when it’s a slap but it’s a play so it isn’t a slap? SHELBY A stage slap? FINN Yeah. It was a stage slap. That’s it. Will shoots Finn a glance. Finn mouths the word "please". WILL (Hesitantly, turning to face Shelby) I guess we weren’t really paying attention, were we? We just saw the aftermath of the... stage slap. CUT TO: 4. 3 INT. MCKINLEY CORRIDORS - FRIDAY 1410 3 Santana and Finn, outside Figgins’ office. The halls are busy - classes have just changed. The pair are walking, moving towards a set of stairs. SANTANA What the hell, Finn? FINN I don’t get why you did what you did, Santana. Just tell me why you slapped me. SANTANA What? You want me to explain myself to you? FINN I’d prefer it if you explained yourself to the big red mark on my face, but the rest of me is curious too. SANTANA I... It’s just... (Sitting on the stairs) You’re loud. FINN I’m sorry? SANTANA Remember when you and Lucky the Little Irish Leper decided to trash talk me, but the best you could come up with is some crap about me and Britt? FINN (Slowly realising) But... Oh. SANTANA Yep. FINN But I was... I was just angry. SANTANA I’m not stupid enough to assume you sat down for weeks and planned it, Finn. FINN But, everyone knows. Everyone’s always known. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5. SANTANA No, Finn. For most people, it’s a suspicion. Glee club is different. Only the oblivious would assume I was straight after Landslide, even if I did take Karofsky to the prom. FINN Never understood that. SANTANA But out here... WIDE ANGLE SHOT: Finn joins Santana on the stairs, and we zoom out to see all the people bustling around the corridors. SANTANA (CONT.) No one pays attention here. You can nearly break a person’s neck by slamming them into a locker and everyone will keep moving. It’s a whirlpool. Nothing new happens, it just keeps turning. FINN But people still talk. SANTANA And they occasionally talk to their uncles who are running for office. FINN What? SANTANA One of Sue’s opponents is challenging her on ’family values’. He’ll be running an add that accuses her of making her head cheerleader a lesbian as part of an agenda. FINN I screwed up, didn’t I? SANTANA And I reserve the right to hold it against you. CUT TO: 6. 4 INT. WILL’S OFFICE - FRIDAY 1420 4 Will and Shelby in Will’s office. The pair are resting on Will’s desk. SHELBY So, what do we think that was about? WILL I have no idea. SHELBY That’s the problem, isn’t it? We can’t know what’s going on in the minds of these kids. WILL (Gazing out through the glass wall) Any one of those kids could be a ticking timebomb. They probably all are. There’s something that they’re hiding. SHELBY That’s growing up. ANGLE: From behind Will and Shelby, we see the other side of the glass. NOAH "PUCK" PUCKERMAN crosses in front of it, moving to a locker. He opens it. SHELBY (CONT.) Some already have. CUT TO: 5 INT. SHELBY’S HOUSE - SATURDAY 1500 5 Puck walks around rocking BETH CORCORAN in his arms. She’s quiet, but the look of relief on Puck’s face tells us she’s been crying. Shelby enters through the main door carrying BAGS OF GROCERIES. SHELBY Sorry to leave her with you like this, Puck. She begins setting the bags on the table. PUCK I’d rather babysit than have Beth starve. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 7. SHELBY I’d have taken her, but I had to go to... PUCK (He lowers Beth into her cot.) Ssssh. Shelby crosses over to the cot. SHELBY She’s really taken to you. PUCK I am her daddy. SHELBY (Looking concerned, turning away) Look, thanks, but you should... She turns back to Puck, who kisses her. CLOSE UP: The pair, kissing. FADE TO: 6 INT. SANTANA’S BEDROOM - SUNDAY 1800 6 CLOSE UP: Santana and Brittany, kissing in the same pose as Shelby and Puck. ZOOM OUT to show Santana’s room. It’s unusually sporting. Posters of CHEERLEADERS grace her walls, as does an EXTREME SPORTS CALENDAR. Her bookcase is a rickety wooden contraption, mostly filled with CDs. The walls are wallpapered, but it’s fading. Her room has only seen things added - no one’s been able to afford to renovate since it was first built. There is an old TV in one corner. It’s missing a few buttons. The REMOTE lies on a worn SIDETABLE. Her DOOR is adorned with a big poster - Santana, Brittany and Quinn, posing. It’s a blown-up photo, made at a copy shop, clearly made from normal paper. Brittany and Santana are lying on Santana’s bed, swapping spit. Brittany pulls away first, rolling her neck to stretch. SANTANA Sorry, we’ve been doing this for hours, haven’t we? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8. BRITTANY It’s OK, I know you’re upset. SANTANA That’s not why- BRITTANY We always make out when you’re upset. SANTANA ... Sorry. They sit up on her bed. Santana reaches for the remote on the sidetable. SANTANA (CONT.) Maybe we should just watch some TV. BRITTANY San, I didn’t mean... ON-SCREEN TEXT (FADING IN): Sunday. There is a knocking on Santana’s door. Santana shuffles a few inches away from Brittany. The door opens, and from around the door appears MARIA LOPEZ. She’s in her late 40s, her hair is curly, but fairly long. MARIA San, honey, dinner is ready. Brittany se queda? SANTANA Sí, madre. Maria disappears back behind the door. BRITTANY When are you going to tell her about us? You always act like we’re hardly even friends. SANTANA Don’t be ridiculous.