Tuesday,APRIL April Fools’FOOLS’ Day, 2008 Technique • Tuesday, April 1, 2008 • 1 C l o u g h “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” plans to steal the Volume 93, Issue 27 T, 8 pages page 3 ONLINE www.nique.net TECHNIQUEFooling Georgia Tech since 1911 Clough announces departure Slivers eliminated F arewell, unfi nished business addressed to students from Technique By Dr. G. Wayne Clough Institute President By Matthew Winkler “I stood on top of the Campanile, Editor-in-Chief Th is July I will be stepping down bare chested and waving a trident. from my position as president of On October 2, 1998, the Technique unveiled a a new feature Georgia Tech. My tenure here has In the end, the Almighty spared known as the Sliver. Originally it featured comments from been a wildly successful one and I have Tech for my resignation.” editors placed at the bottom of every page. Th is eventually made phenomenal progress in turning evolved in to the the Sliver Box as it is today, where members of the Tech communtiy can anonymously submit their random this campus into an internationally Dr. G. Wayne Clough lauded research university. However, comments online to be published every issue. Today marks before I leave, there are a few issues I Your Fearless Leader the end of that era. will resolve. After a run of nearly ten years, the Edititorial Board of First, I will personally coach our the Technique has elected to permanently eliminate the Sliver football team to victory against UGA. two hands. I was planning on fi nishing have traded our College of Computing Box from the pages of this fi ne publication. While we know I’ve scheduled a game during Dead the whole thing, but I had to spend the for UGA’s College of Nursing. I never this disappoints the majority, if not all, of our readership, it Week. If some of our players are too fi rst weekend of spring break defend- liked those CS nerds anyways. So guys, is a step in the right direction for this newspaper. busy with fi nals then I’ll step up and ing Tech against tornados. Yes, while you’re welcome. Th e decision was tough, but well-thought out. Th e Edito- play on the fi eld as well. I can play any the storm raged I stood on top of the Before I leave, I thought I’d let you rial Board has justifi ed this elimination with many reasons. spot on the off ensive line. I also make campanile, bare chested and waving a all know that I will be taking the T from Th e Sliver Box has become too much of a love connection an excellent cornerback. trident, challenging God to strike this Tech Tower with me into retirement. venue for the already socially inept. It is unprofessional to Second, I know that this school is campus with a tornado. In the end the It doesn’t matter that I am telling you publish items pertaining to this secret crush and that love of a tough academic environment and Almighty bargained a deal with me. of my plans, I’m still going to steal the your life who just walked away. Also, the negativity of Slivers many students falter with their grades. Tech would be spared in exchange for T. You can’t stop me. If I have to fl y in detracts from the real journalism taking place in the pages I am off ering to tutor any student who my resignation as president. tethered to a helicopter and rip it off of this publication. While we know there are vendettas that has lost the HOPE scholarship until Fourth, in order to liven up the with my bare hands, then so be it. Th e form between certain groups on campus, we do not want to they are academically eligible again. social aspects of Georgia Tech, I will most likely scenario involves building be the catalyst for such feuds anymore. What’s your problem? Physics? Cal- be hosting weekly pool parties at the and fl ying a jetpack to the top of Tech So from now on we ask the student body to stop repressing culus? Experimental fl uid dynamics? president’s mansion. Th ere will be Tower. I’ll grab the T and zip off to their feelings and confront these challenges face-to-face. Th e I can teach anyone anything. I could an open bar, and bathing suits will Washington in my jetpack. On my way Sliver will no longer be a veil of anonymity for campus. turn Britney Spears into a Nobel Prize- be optional—like we used to do it at to D.C., I’ll make a stop on the roof of Please enjoy this last issue of Slivers. As a fi tting farewell, winning physicist. Berkeley in ‘69. UGA president Mike Adam’s house and editors have placed extra Sliver boxes throughout the paper Th ird, I will solve Atlanta’s drought To make up for the short supply defecate down his chimney. to clean out our archives. Two Bits Man will also be fi red at problem. No more faucet restrictors of females, the pool parties will be After all my goals have been achieved the end of the year to continue our steps toward maintaining and low fl ow toilets for this campus. regularly stocked with all kinds of and I arrive, T in hand, in Washington, the highest of journalistic standards. Using my civil engineering skills, I women. Th e guys here have been at a D.C., I will then be stuff ed, coated in While the Sliver has been a staple of the Technique, we have designed a series of aqueducts that disadvanatge with that deadly ratio. enamel, encased in glass and put on hope you continue to fi nd another reason to read each week. fl ow water from Harrison Bay, Tenn. to Th e lady Tech students are smart, beau- display at the Smithsonian. You can fi nd Th ose who only read theTechnique for the Slivers...you will Lake Lanier. In fact, I spent my spring tiful and classy, but there are just not me under the exhibit titled “Greatest not be missed. break building half of it with my own enough of them. To fi x this situation, I University President Ever.” Tech reconsiders Drownproofi ng OIT to release students’ By Amanda Gaines computer activity to the public Chief Lifeguard By Gary Dart students. Drownproofi ng, an infamous Technology Correspondent OIT spokesman Dave Nelson is course from Georgia Tech’s past trying to put a positive spin on the years that required students to learn Starting April 1st, every student at situation, “just think of how often water survival techniques such as Georgia Tech will have their internet you have tried to fi nd that website how to fl oat with hands and legs history publicly available online. you were looking at 4 months ago. tied together, will be returning to Th e move is part of a nationwide Well, now you or any of your friends campus. Like past drownproofi ng initiative undertaken by universi- can look up your user activity online implementations, the course will be ties to be in compliance with a new and fi nd that information,” said mandatory for all students. addition to the Nelson. Nel- Th e administration has stated Patriot Act. son also claims that the main reason for the return of An official “This way your that publicly drownproofi ng is to fi ght the obesity statement from grandmother can see available inter- epidemic growing amongst today’s the Offi ce of In- net usage con- youth. The new drownproofing formation Tech- any website you’ve tent will bring course will also cover other survival nology (OIT) ever visited, all of families closer: techniques useful to land-based situ- indicates that all “Th is way your ations like getting lost in a desert. information ex- them, every single grandmother Edward “Bear” Grylls, host of changed across website.” can see any Discovery Channel’s Man vs. Wild, OIT servers will website you’ve will serve as a special guest lecturer be made public. ever visited, all Photo by Creed Bratton Dave Nelson for part of the course. When asked OIT’s enforce- of them, every about his teaching plans, Grylls Honor program students struggle to tread water in the drownproof- ment of the law is OIT spokesman single website.” responded, “Of course we’re not ing class while hungry sharks swim beneath them in the CRC pool. to be retroactive In addition going to attempt all of the stuff on as of Jan. 1st. to posting internet histories online, my show; just the basics like the water from elephant dung.” brain functioning intact.” Th is means that every website OIT will also be posting coursework proper way to eat goat testicles, how A pilot program for the new Zoellick also commented on the you’ve visited, every IM conversation grades as well. OIT has also struck to cut open a camel and sleep in its drownproofi ng course was con- risks involved in binding the limbs you’ve had, and every Facebook post- a deal that will allow the RIAA, the innards to prevent frostbite and safe ducted using honors students this of Tech students and then pushing ing you’ve made since the beginning MPAA and several major software urophagia techniques for surviving past fall. Honors Dean Zoellick them into the diving well at the of the year can be checked online by companies to search through stu- a drought.