09/05/02 The University of Surrey Students’ Newspaper www.ussu.co.uk Issue no: 1032 FREE Page 11 - Show Your Support For The Rent Protest With A Full Page Poster For Your Campus Room Window

News In Brief

Irish Terrorists Get 30 Years

Republican terrorists Fintan O’Farrell, Declan Rafferty and USSU Michael MacDonald were each sen- tenced to thirty years imprisonment for conspiracy to cause explosions and twelve years for offences under the Terrorism Act at Woolwich Crown Court. The men were arrested Protest Vote after MI5 agents convinced the BY JOHN GEESON ever before. By protesting, the students are hoping men that they were Iraqi officials VP Finance and Development to help UniS help itself by minimising the cost of living, to get more people to come to Surrey. and wished to sponsor a terrorist Student council voted unanimously last week to The university is committed to the government ini- organisation. The men had asked for mandate the union executive to organise a peace- tiative of Widening [university] Participation, that is £1.5million in cash as well as five ful demonstration. Students are disillusioned about to make sure 50 % of people from 18-30 have higher thousand kilos of explosives and two the prospect of a general rent increase of 24 %, that education experience. Recent research has found hundred rocket propelled grenades. would see Twyford and University Courts hit over £ that family background matters more than ever in 381 a month. the progression into higher education: “those in the Aligator Racing—The Nation’s Students are scared at the prospect of their entire highest socio-economic group are seven times more New Sport student loan being spent on rent alone. Sabbaticals likely to enter HE than those in the lowest group” are feeling the pressure of this mammoth rent (HEFCE 2001). The UniS accommodation price increase too. Students, whether via the bulletin accelerator is going to make this university even The same company, Blue Square, bored, student council or plain old ‘find a sabb and more inaccessible to students from non-wealthy that brought hamster racing to let them know what you think’, are lobbying their backgrounds. Looking at the UniS website, it says London last year has this week Union officers for their right to be represented. In ‘excellent accommodation at affordable prices’. Will announced its intention to introduce response to this the Union, with its membership’s this be the case in the future? When asked if £381 a aligator racing to the capital. The ali- welfare at heart, has organised a demonstration month was affordable, Lynzi Asworth, a Guildford gators, dressed in coloured coats are on Wednesday the 15th of May. Incoming NUS College student commented ‘I would not pay that persuaded to leg it down a twenty President, Mandy Telford, is also likely to make to live in student digs; In fact I could not afford to foot course separated by glass par- an appearance as this issue is becoming a national pay that at all’. This highlights a potential student titions to prevent them from eating problem. Final details of the protest have yet to be recruitment and retention problem facing UniS and confirmed, but more information can be found on its students. each other. Only thing is, none of the www.ussu.co.uk/skint. The demonstration against this 24 % rent adjust- ‘gators hasd ever raced before, so all Not only are students’ disposable incomes hitting ment illustrates student unease about the University’s have odds of 9/2. Incidentally, as you rock bottom, so are the UniS application rates. Less latest move in a string of controversial accommoda- could have guessed, the whole thing people apply for UniS courses than those of any tion issues. There is a lot of talk from students, but is for charity. other higher education establishment. It is fact that we shall see who really put their mouth where their students loans go up by the rate of inflation each money is! See you Wednesday week! Spider Man Breaks Box Office year. It is also fact that students are in more debt than Record

Smash hit Spider Man broke records this week with an opening weekend Dutch Right- of over $100million in the United States, making it the fastest selling film on record. Amy Pascal, head of Sony Pictures said “Not in our wild- est dreams did we expect this scale Wing Politician of demand for Spider Man”. The film opens in the UK on June 14th. Assassinated Regulars BY HONEY BARTER-GODFREY immigration and anti-EU spending issues. News 1-3 His friends and lawyers have said that he Letters 4 The Netherlands is in shock after Monday had been the recipient of threats during his Barearts 5-12 brought the first Dutch political assassination. campaign, and he had recently been hit with Pim Fortuyn, the head of the Pim Fortuyn List cream pies laced with urine during one of Services 14 party, was shot dead outside the media centre his walkabouts. Mr Fortuyn had expressed Sport 16 in Hilversum after giving a radio interview. fears for his safety and was one of the few Just days before the country’s general elec- Dutch politicians to use security guards. tions, Mr Fortuyn was campaigning on anti- continued on page 3 2 News 09/05/02

Editorial Team Editor Tristan O’Dwyer An Open Letter To UniS Deputy Editor Richard Watts An open letter to Battersea Court last year and experienced the strategy requirements (which are set by News and Political Editor UniS in response to leaking windows. I do, however, disagree that the HEFCE) with large rent price rises will Reuben Thompson last week’s letter from University should not have to fund this out of its become increasingly difficult. Music Editor B.D Barnard, Director large reserves. At the University’s annual meeting 3) Campus prices affect the price of private Kevin Marston of Business Support of Court last semester I saw a well put together accommodation in the area. If private Film Editor Services, published in presentation on how good the Universities finances landlords see UniS putting up it’s accom- Navroop Sehmi Barefacts (02/05/02). are. The Times Higher Education Supplement modation by large amount then so will Sports Editor recently called UniS the “rising star of higher they, regardless of whether they need to Vacant Sir, education” in reference to its healthy bank bal- spend large amounts on maintenance. Production Editor ance. Why then should future students pay for the Vacant Features Editor I would like to take University’s prior lack of investment? In your letter So, as you can see it’s not strictly true to say that Vacant issue with a few you say that the University HAS to pay for it our the Universities hands are tied by HEFCE. And if Arts Editor Tristan O’Dwyer points you raised in of rent because HEFCE rules say so. In looking it were the case, we would be very interested in Jana Kristensen Editorial last week’s letter. through the HEFCE rules this is what I found in hearing whether or not UniS would lobby HEFCE You start by saying HEFCE briefing 5/96.: to look at their rules and if not, why not. Contributors that the percentage You say in your letter that we quoted only the that students rent is to be increased at UniS is not “Provision of Contractual Services en-suite rooms as having high rate rises. I accept Honey Barter-Godfrey important, but that what is important is how we that the University has a range of lower priced Adam Jakeway 60. In determining the price to be charged for the compare to other institutions in the area. This is accommodation, but this is not set to be the case John Geeson following, irrelevant, and something I cannot accept. Each indefinitely. The University is planning to eventu- James Buller institution is different and in a different situation, - residences, catering and conferences ally move all accommodation to the new Manor [email protected] so to compare us with them is not an excuse. The Farm development, and it seems that the plans amount that OUR students will be paying HERE is the Institution shall assess the full cost of the serv- are to have entirely en-suite provision. This is not barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, important. If other institutions compare themselves ice to the Institution. likely to help encourage those from lower socio- published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union to us will they use that to justify increasing their economic backgrounds to apply. Interestingly Communications Office. 61. The Council expects the full cost of such activi- rents? Will you then use that to justify increasing enough a recent Unison report – B308, concludes ties to be recovered unless the Institution considers The views expressed within the paper are those of our rents further still? that nationally “quality of accommodation has individual authors, and do not necessarily repre- it appropriate to do otherwise having regard to the You then go on to say that in 1994-95 the Union improved… [mainly] so that the owners can pro- sent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, circumstances of the particular case.” the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the made “a far-sighted agreement” with the University vide rooms for delegates attending conference at University of Surrey. to see rents go up by at least 4% per year indefi- the University.” It seems clear from this that the rules state that This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in nitely. I’m afraid to say the Union can come to no I would like to finish by asking this. Where do although in general institutions should not subsi- part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without such agreement. One year’s executive team may the University’s priorities lie ? and… Has the the express permission dise accommodation, it can do so if it has a good of the publisher. agree on such an issue, but it hardly makes it a “far- University truly done all it can to avoid passing on case for doing so. Here are a few starters for such sighted agreement”. As you can see from the report its costs to students who are becoming increasingly All submissions must include the author’s name and a case: Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of last weeks Student Council meeting (at which indebted? of publication. the University was represented) the Union does not 1) What accommodation needs is a one Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be agree to the rises. In future years the Union may I fear the answer to the latter is “No”. published. of capital investment, NOT permanent well agree with you (although I doubt it), but the barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. subsidy. This is a result of previous under important thing now is that WE do not. Regards, © USSU Communications Office 2001 investment. Now, I do not disagree that some University Deadline for Publication 2) To meet it’s Widening Participation accommodation needs repairing. I lived in T. O’Dwyer Features and Arts: Friday 2pm News: Monday 2pm Tory Shadow Minister SubmissionOn disk / email in Word 6.0 Format, Text in Times New US Blocks Roman, size 9.5 font Sacked For Racist Remarks barefacts Union House, BY HONEY BARTER-GODFREY The organiser of the dinner, who invited Mrs UN Twice University Of Surrey Winterton, said the joke went down well with BY HONEY BARTER-GODFREY Guildford, Ann Winterton, previously the Conservative the audience. Surrey, shadow rural affairs minister, has been sacked The US has made two significant moves to undermine GU2 7XH from the front bench for telling a racist joke Winterton has proved to be a walking stere- otherwise global projects. Taking a particularly unilat- at a rugby club dinner. Demonstrating inex- otype, championing ‘family values’, chairing eralist stance, Bush’s administration have withdrawn Tel: 01483 689275 plicably bad judgement, Ann Winterton was the all-party pro-life group and campaigning the US from the imminent International Criminal Court, Fax: 01483 534749 speaking at Congleton rugby club, of which against abortion, porn and euthanasia. She claiming it would undermine US judicial authority. email: [email protected] she is the vice-president. Having given ‘unre- has accepted her dismissal ‘with sadness’ and The ICC, also known as the World Court, comes into served’ apologies the next day Winterton ‘without question’ but at a time of increased st Do you have a complaint force on July 1 as a ‘court of last resort’ when other, initially refused to resign and so was later sensitivity towards racial tolerance, her sack- domestic and international tribunals and judiciaries against this newspaper? sacked by Iain Duncan Smith who said her ing may be insufficient to retrieve the Tory cannot prosecute. It will be the first permanent body If you have a complaint about any item remarks were offensive and unacceptable. reputation from further tarnishing. in this newspaper which contains inac- to try crimes such as genocide, war crimes and crimes curacy, harassment, intrusion or dis- against humanity. 66 nations have already ratified the crimination write to our editor about it. Rome Treaty, including Britain. China, Indonesia, Iraq, Pakistan and Turkey failed to sign up at all. The US If you remain dissatisfied please contact Note: Next week’s Barefacts the Press Complaints Commission - an withdrawal may undermine the scope of the ICC and independant organisation established to discourage other nations form ratifying the treaty. More uphold an editorial Code of Practice for immediately, it further widens the gap between US and the Press. This newspaper will abide by will be the last of this year. European international policy. their decision. The United Nations summit on children’s rights has Press Complaints Commission also been setback by Bush’s administration. The US 1 Salisbury Square It may come out on Friday delegation has rejected pledges to provide “reproduc- London EC4Y 8JB tive and mental health services [and] sex education” on Telephone: 020 7353 1248 the moral ground that only abstinence outside marriage Fax: 020 7353 8351 to incorporate a report of is acceptable for US funding. The Vatican has approved Printed by South West Wales the plan, urging for sex education to have a pro-chastity Publications Ltd, message, but it looks likely that the UN may dilute the Adelaide Street, Swansea next week’s protest proposals to keep the US on board. Tel: 01792 510000 09/05/02 News 3

continued from page 1 planned. Following disturbances between Mr Fortuyn’s supporters and the police Mr Kok Professor Pim, as he was popularly referred has called for calm and said ‘at a time when Student Council to, was an ex-Marxist academic who had you want to be very angry, being calm is the developed far-right policies on the basis of best way’. his ultra-liberal beliefs. Openly gay and pro- At a time when race, immigration and nation- permissiveness, Mr Fortuyn had championed ality are at the centre of the political agenda Dutch liberal ways and argued against what in Europe Mr Fortuyn’s assassination is an Opposes UniS he called the Islamicisation of the Netherlands ugly twist in the debate. With the BNP and and called for zero Muslim immigration. Tory race jokes dominating the home news During an interview that led to his dismissal during the last few days, the shooting may from the leadership of the Leefbaar Nederland persuade some outspoken political figures Rent Increases (Livable Netherlands) party, he had called across the UK and Europe that they too are Islam a ‘backwards culture’ incompatible with vulnerable. Tony Blair has cancelled a trip to the sexual equality and individual choice typi- the Netherlands and Jack Straw has passed on By Richard Watts the range of accommodation that is to be cal of Dutch liberalism. condolences to Mr Fortuyn’s family through Deputy Editor available there; Mr Paxton commented [sic] The local elections in March gave Mr the British embassy in the Netherlands. One that there would be an entire range of room Fortuyn 35% of the vote in Rotterdam, taking man, has been arrested. The 32 year old Dutch The meeting of Student Council on 2nd May standards and rents available on the develop- more than a third of the seats and becoming animal rights activist is to appear in court in last week unanimously opposed the proposed ment and that these would cater for the wide the city’s largest political party. The general connection with the assassination. rent increases put forward by the University. range of demands that student accommoda- election, sched- uled for a few In a motion put forward by Zoe Kilb, the tion must satisfy. days time, was union resolved to lobby the University over Other motions brought to council involved expected to see the rise in accommodation fees, arguing the introduction of broadband internet access the Pim Fortuyn that such action is not in the best interest of to all campus rooms, the introduction and List come third the students and that the money required to implementation of the National Student and take about improve present accommodation should be Learning Program (NSLP) in line with the 15% of the vote. found by other means. It also called for the Kelly report and the process through which Following his University to improve the standards of cam- Surrey’s delegates to NUS regional and assassination the pus accommodation and services to students, national conferences are elected. political parties in though a later motion dealing with the specif- The broadband debate highlighted the current the Netherlands ics of the re-introduction of better cleaning cost of connecting to the internet from rooms have halted their and linen services found less support amongst on campus: presently, un-metered broad- c a m p a i g n i n g . the participants attending council. band internet access is available off campus Wim Kok has Richard Paxton, the head of accommodation for less than £20 per month whilst many announced how- services, was invited to the Union’s meeting students spend more than £15 per month on ever that elections and faced some forty minutes of gruelling the current dial-up internet access provided in will continue as questioning on the matter of the rent increas- rooms by ntl. In order to address this issue, it es. For many students, it was the first oppor- was motioned that the current and future sab- tunity to question directly the proposed hikes batical teams continue to assert pressure on in rent and Mr Paxton answered some of the the University to provide broadband internet resulting awkward questions in a fair and access in all campus rooms by their timetable Did That Answer open manner; he also agreed that the situation date of September 2003 and for Paul Wright, as it stood was regrettable and highlighted the the President-elect, and Richard Watts, vice under-investment of the University in preced- president Communications and Marketing- ing years leading to some of the problems elect, to sit on the broadband working group Your Question? that the accommodation office face now. A set-up by Richard Paxton. brief mention was made of Manor Farm and

By Richard Watts charm-offensive of Buckingham children truant. Deputy Editor Palace in Jubilee year, and concluded After the live programme, there was a that something need be done in order reception held in the Oak Suite, giving some The hosting by the University of Surrey at to make the monarchy more relevant members of the audience the opportunity to Season’s restaurant of “Any Questions?,” to today’s society. This discussion talk to the panellists in person. A notable the topical news show broadcast by Radio also led on to the subject of reform of absentee from this however was Tony Benn, 4 each week, provided some 300 people the House of Lords, with Tony Benn who was called by Newsnight to appear on with an evening of debate in which subject passionately arguing against the idea the programme that evening to say a few matters ranging from last week’s local elec- of hereditary peers. In a humorous words about Barbara Castle, the former tions to the speech made by the Queen to moment Mr Benn demonstrated the Labour Party minister once tipped to become parliament were discussed. The programme absurdity of such a system by say- Britain’s first woman prime minister, who was chaired, as it has been since 1987, by ing “I would feel very concerned died that day at the age of 91. Jonathan Dimbleby and entertained as its and worried if I visited my panellists Steve Richards, a columnist from dentist only to have him The Independent, Anthony Scrivener QC, tell me ‘well you see, I’m present chairman of the Bar, Janet Daley, not really a dentist, but my a columnist from The Daily Telegraph and father was!’” the irrepressible and ever popular Tony The most animated replies Benn, the former Labour MP who famously Veteran Parliamentarian Tony Benn, a regular of the evening were saved attempted to renounce his title of Viscount panellist on “Any Questions?”, chaired by Jonathan for Tony Blair’s planned Stangate in order to serve as a member of Dimbleby (right) introduction of the removal parliament. vating factor behind the voter’s decision to of child benefit from parents The main focus of the evening considered support “minority” groups. who knowingly let their children the results of the local elections, concentrat- The Queen’s reaffirmation to parliament of truant. Anthony Scrivener in par- ing primarily on the results in Hartlepool her intent to continue as head of state con- ticular vehemently argued against and Burnley, in which constituents voted for stituted the subject matter of the other main the introduction of such legislation, a chap dressed as a monkey and for members discussion of the evening. It was suggested stating that this action, which is of the British National Party (BNP) respec- by the member of public who put the ques- already catered for in the updated tively. The opinions voiced by the panellists tion to the panellists that the Queen should Education Act of 1996, was not detailed the seeming disillusionment of the stand down and let Prince Charles begin his only unfeasible, but a waste of both voting public with the present government term as King. Though this point was not the tax-payers money and the time and the effectiveness of local councils and entirely agreed upon, the panellists debated of a solicitor called upon to indict suggested that this, perhaps, was the moti- the ideas of republicanism and the current such charges against parents whose 4 Letters 09/05/02

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Friday before publication to guarentee their Letters to the Editor presence in the next newspaper. So there. Elections “Not 100% Flawless” Dear BF max. All this effort and time for the votes of 10 people. It ‘Yeh, You’ve won my vote’ is possible that you only need 10 votes to win but I have ain’t democracy great. I think I ticked Ron on all other I writing this as someone who I feel has slightly more no idea as no quantitive results were published to my boxes as he was going for most positions and deserved than average interest in the sabbatical elections just knowledge. at least one. gone (although that wouldn’t appear to be difficult). I read The election themselves held in week 10, schoolboy Barefacts last week and finally saw 6.5 lines of text refer- error. Before the polls have even closed people are ship- So I don’t think they’re 100% flawless, voter apathy and ring to the sabbatical results. These results consisted of ping out of here as fast as the terminal velocity of the hill down right lack of awareness being something of a factor. the winners names and position and that’s about it. First will allow, not a thought of the results if there was one. I definitely think week 10 is a bad idea, although stopping proper acknowledgement of the results as far as I was Four weeks later does anyone care any more? At this the tunes for 10 minutes at 11 in the Union and announc- concerned. From the half page (mainly pictures) we have point I am aware of the results being posted on the LCD ing the results may capture an audience and at least no indication as to the number of votes cast for any posi- screens in the union, if I missed FNO then will have prob- cause a few more people to recognise the sabbatical staff tion or the turnout except to gather it must be low due to ably missed the results. in passing. the ‘relatively short count’. I got bored trying to find any extra info on USSU.co.uk. Similarly the hustings although well organised and of The elections were not a talking point, didn’t really here potential benefit were pretty much a waste of everyone’s There appear to be a number of issues with the current much debate in Chancellors. The only person who time, electoral procedure followed, very little, if any differ- electoral procedure. expressed any thoughts in my vicinity stated ence made to any mindsets. ‘Oh yeah the president of the union an all that, The geek Personally it would be of some interest to see the voting Starting at the beginning I am not aware of any pres- v Greek one …he’s got no chance’, figures, how many people can vote ? 9 500 ? Can you entation detailing the candidates bar the publication in wow this guy new of two directly competing candidates win a position with less than 500 votes, or 50 even? How Barefacts. With this being such a vital part of the union in some respect and there was the faint murmurings of close were the votes ? How popular is RON ? Are there I would have though it could dedicate some notice board public opinion. any plans to change the election procedures ? space to a comprehensive listing or some official docu- mentation. My first real personal recollection of the elections was in Maybe I wasn’t interested enough, didn’t try hard enough The hustings, which I attended with maybe 75 people the second year, I absent mindedly acknowledged some to be part of the process, however as this year was by far tops. Well organised I admit however to what purpose. guy at the entrance of the lecture theatres. most active and I’m leaving in eights days, do I care ? I would be surprised to learn that more than 10% of the ‘Voted, mate, here have a lolly, my names …(long forgot- attendees were floating voters, making it 10 people at the ten)’ Name and adress supplied

Editors Response on at two meetings. The timing of all of this left us with no choice but to hold the elections in week 10. Your suggestion to stop FNO Sir, for 10 minutes to announce the results is what we actually did. Fair Trade Thank you for your letter regarding this years Sabbatical elec- You’re right when you say the election process isn’t flawless. It tions. I would like to clarify a few points however. Firstly, for those never will be. You’re right when you say there is a lot of apathy interested I have printed a list of the final counts below. about elections. Yes we have a responsibility to persuade people To all Barefacts readers, they need to vote, but so do candidates and their teams. This It was interesting to read Sue Gomms Now, you state that because the count was very quick then the year saw an increase in voting numbers. The general student letters page response to the pay issue, turnout must have been very low. That is not the case. The total population however does have a responsibility to make some sort regarding cleaners not getting much (ie number of votes cast was 1,198. This may sound low (around of effort to find out what they’re voting for. the grassroots hard physical work do-ers) 10% of the Union membership) but it is in fact around average and the VC getting a huge pay-packet for sabbatical election around the country. It is also an increase Regards, AND recently an increase. It makes me of around 100 on last year. Considering the number of candidates T. O’Dwyer consider again how many people ever think was half that of last year this is a significant improvement. The Editor about the whole issue of fair pay on a wider reason the count was very quick this year was not down to low scale, and with regard to trade especially. turnout, but down to low number of candidates (counting with the Sabbatical Election Counts 2002: To give an example, the people that are STV system with only two candidates per position is quick as you producing the majority of the worlds coffee and tea supplies are paid very poorly - rarely need to count several rounds.). President: barely enough to survive on, sometimes (Valid Papers - 1134) not enough to survive on, and generally Regarding you point about notification of candidates. Candidates Kamoutsis, Panos - 465 were given manifesto space for two weeks running in this under poor conditions (no job stability, no Wright, Paul - 604 health and safety controls, no guaranteed paper. They were also given space on the union website RON - 65 sales for their crops etc). The same applies (www.ussu.co.uk) . Finally, they all had adverts recorded on GU2 to a lot of textiles manufacturers - labelled that were regularly played. To argue that they were not publicized VP Communications and Marketing: goods sold for huge ammounts in this enough is not fair. To a large extent it is the responsibility of the (Valid Papers - 1091) country are often assembled in ‘sweat candidate to ensure that they get as much publicity as they think Booth, Andrew - 348 shops’ with few or lax regulations, appalling they need. Watts, Richard - 717 pay and dangerous or unhealthy working RON - 26 conditions. Just to produce cheap goods You question the effectiveness and purpose of hustings. The idea for the Western market. of hustings is that it’s your chance to see the candidates stand VP Socities and Culture: All this may seem like rather an abstraction up to the scrutiny of the electorate. You say perhaps only 10% of (Valid Papers - 999) from the cleaner and VC scenario, but it is those there were floating voters, but a particularly good, or bad, Dawson, Charlotte - 748 really an extension of the same thing. While performance at hustings could potentially change the opinion of Stevens, Samantha - 189 we may in some cases have to pay more for someone who had already decided. Also, don’t forget that this RON - 62 ‘fairly traded’ goods, prices we may even year we webcast the hustings, so people who couldn’t make it regard as being ‘expensive’, perhaps this onto campus still had their chance to ask questions via the web. VP Education and Welfare: parallel can help you see that such prices This was particularly useful for placement students who may (Valid Papers - 951) do not not actually represent ‘expensive’ have wanted to use a postal vote. Borneo, Antonia - 803 or over-priced values, but the right price. RON - 148 Something to think about... I admit that holding the elections in week 10 was not ideal, and Remember there are now regular Fair in previous years they have been much earlier. Unfortunately VP Sports: Trade stalls in the Union now - the next one we had no choice on this matter. The University had withdrawn (Valid Papers - 981) is on the Thursday of week 15, May 23rd. funding for one sabbatical officer. We wanted to consult Student Goodwin, Denise - 844 Please support it! Council to see if they wanted to go down to five sabbs, or whether RON - 137 they wanted to fund a 6th sabb from Union money. This meant a Emma Van-Huysse change in the Union constitution, meaning it needed to be voted 09/05/02 Feature 5 Life After The Womb: Political Special Following the recent tension resulting from the last few week’s political activities, Rich W tells everyone where it’s at

There has been a lot of emphasis recently on politics and the pledges of various political accept the doctrines of such an unknown political persuasion, therefore, and, worse still, parties on issues that matter to you, the generally unsuspecting voting public. There has defect from the very values of left-ism and right-ism that have kept this world ticking been talk of the not-very-left wing left-ism of the normally left-wing Labour Party and over since its inception, is perhaps a little radical. Hell, you could even call it mad. Thus, the alarming rise in support for the right-wing movements of the British National Party Life After the Womb won’t actually outline any of the principles associated with the as well as for the fascist French candidate in the presidential elections, Jean- Chickenist movement and will simply leave them to you, the ever-present Marie le Pen (whose surname, by the way, does not mean “the bic biro”). reader, to decide what you want KFC stands for. If you want to read Life After the Womb has watched with some interest how political a book on the matter, check out “KFC & YOU: Coating the World columnists have reacted to this left-wing/right-wing debate over in Crispy Breadcrumbs” by the Colonel, Faber and Faber. the last few weeks and finally feels that perhaps now is the time An important point to highlight is that KFC, under the to tell the world of the previously latent political party whose leadership of the Colonel, is no longer an acronym for idealisms, mantras and goals may very well unite the world “Kentucky Fried Chicken” as you quite justifiably may as it seeks the answers to the questions of world peace, have imagined; KFC, under its political guise, actually eternal life and who leaves the toilet seat up: do not vote stands for “Knights of the Fellowship of the Colonel” right-wing; do not vote left-wing; ladies and gentlemen, (and is sometimes jokingly referred to by it’s followers vote chicken-wing. as the “of the’s”). Though a seemingly male-oriented As with all political persuasions, there need be a political title for a politically active group (and thus making a party and a positive, active and identifiable leader to lead mockery of the Chickenist equalitarian policies out- that party such that the position of the chicken-wing estab- lined in 1933), the organisation is very careful over its lishes itself firmly in the democratic world. Such a party definition of a “Knight”, and thus defines a Knight of the already exists in today’s world, with such an individual ready Fellowship of the Colonel as a “living being (man, woman, to take the mantel of “leader” and deliver to this country pre- vertebrate animal or plant) willing to follow and implement cisely what it needs: that party is KFC. That man is the Colonel. the doctrines of the Colonel and his advisors”. For so long has this one man tirelessly strived, with a loyal and Quite why or how such a powerful force could remain dormant dedicated work force, to provide exactly what it is demanded of him; for so long, one can only imagine. History will show that on one never has he failed to live up to a promise that he has made and constantly glorious day, mankind no longer had to make do with the bumbling has he brought excellent standards to an industry lacking so often in scruples pledged of other political leanings that did not accommodate their beliefs, and morality. Now, after years of planning is he ready to turn his attentions to the issues and instead found true understanding in the mantra of one man: the Colonel. So that matter most to the electorate: we must follow him, therefore, for he is the only one next time you are queuing idly at the top of town, waiting for that all important bargain with the proven track record. bucket (an extended metaphor right there of proportions so cataclysmic I’d best not go Now, Life After The Womb is willing to admit that this all seems a little fanciful – will- into it now), just allow yourself that one thought, that soon going to KFC will no longer ing to admit, even, that the existence of the chicken-wing before now had remained safely be about buying chicken, but more about joing the Chickenist movement and being part stored in a little box labelled “never heard of it” in the backs of your minds. To simply of the most powerful force ever known to man. God bless Chickenism.

By Noël HATCH and Olivier JOURDAN function has been severely weakened. The winner is indeed in the middle of a field of ruins. The left-wing electorate, the first president elected without a presidential majority. The and even extreme left, indeed mobilised en masse. These South Kensington, 18h00. The weather is fittingly threatening left-wing voters massively voted for him, in a proportion millions of ballots in favour of Jacques Chirac are going to for this historic event: the final decider in the French presi- probably equivalent to that of the voters of the parliamentary weigh heavily to June. The same will want to vote for the Left dential elections, where as mentioned last week in Barefacts Right, so that it will be impossible for him to decide between again, they will also want to avoid the infectious dispersal and on GU2, the French have been called on vote on either and the frivolous blackmailing of the first round. The score a crook or a fascist. This leafy area of London could just as Translates as: “82% in favour of democracie - and the electoral behaviour of the second round are going to well be called Paris-on-Thames – it is in effect the “ghetto Phew!” contribute to a real re-mobilisation of the left-wing electorate, français” of London. Conversations about the elections flirt which should favour if not a victory in the parliamentaries, with small talk about English weather and on how much at least a return to grace to the Parliament. Jacques Chirac is France will beat their opponent in the World Cup Final in the doubtless going to contribute to it by throwing his partisans in summer. 18h57: “la tension monte” (the pressure’s increas- a campaign on distinctively right-wing ideals, trying to apply ing)…19h00: 82% for…Jacques Chirac. Expected? the program to which he amassed less than 20 % of the votes After the “cocktail Molotov” votes and the protest votes of in the first round. In many respects, for democrats of any the 21st of April, the electoral levy en masse of May 5th. With background, but also for left-wing voters, the operation will the display of national solidarity, democracy has triumphed: seem like a cold shower. liberty, equality and fraternity. It is an “ouf” of relief, but it The vote-oath of May 5th calls indeed for renewed values, is also a kind of national oath that the voters have just pro- an executive practice, a vision of the change in France, which nounced. In the last fortnight, the French society massively does not pose constraints to the grand plan to tackle insecu- transformed the second round of the presidential elections rity promised by the r-eelected president. He would make a into a plebiscite for democratic values, for a open and united monumental error of interpretation by pretending to believe society, for dialogue and respect, for economic and social that the insecurity about which speak the voters limits itself to modernisation, for a European France. In front of the lepenist crime. They speak just as much about cultural, social and eco- threat and its ideas of lock and segregation, the republican nomic insecurity. The mobilisation for the French Republic pact has been renewed. both, to favour the policies wished by one party against did not erase the earthquake of April 21st. The situation calls After the apathy, France has returned to political action to the other one. This second round confirms the fundamental for grand gestures devoid of partisan egoism. Depending on send back to the outermost recesses of society the values change which took place in the practice of institutions since what Jacques Chirac will make of this moment of democratic of the extreme right who had managed to escape these and the first coalition: the presidential election is not the most rejuvenation, this revival of politics, of this France standing join the mainstream. The cultural frustrations and the social important objective any more. Henceforth, it is the parliamen- headstrong against lepénisme, he will be a revitaliser and a despairs of the rejected, which were expressed in the first tary rendez-vous which determine the powers of the Head of moderniser of France or a “mini de Gaulle” in search of a round, have not disappeared, but a number of those who State: The full exercise of power or the golden dustbin. The really silent majority. wanted be heard did not want to be used as fuel to the FN’s Head of State, who would like to avoid returning where from th fire, to favour national regression and a break with the he comes (coalition with the Left), is looking for a presiden- 5 May 2002, 22h00: European Union. tial right-wing majority: the second round, on June 16th, will Another bottle of champagne, another last packet of Jacques Chirac has been re-elected. But his talent stops fix the new rules of the game. Gauloises smoked, another Republic saved… th there: he achieved a crushing majority in a referendum which For the left, after the disaster of April 21st, this electoral 5 July 2002 22h00: he had not anticipated. This sudden referendum was won by mobilisation which its leaders called up has value of hope Another World Cup won… the French people. Whereas the credibility of the presidential ABOUT A BOY

Directed by Chris and Paul Weitz Starring Hugh Grant, Rachel Weisz and The jewel of the film, however, (apart Nicholas Hoult from the obvious abilities of the young star Nicholas Hoult and a really-quite-likeable There is, of course, an unwritten law of money- Hugh Grant) is the soundtrack provided making that states, and I quote, “should a book by Badly Drawn Boy: mirroring the balance sell more than x number of copies, appear fairly that the film has to strike between humour popular amongst the airport-lounge book-buy- and desolation, the qualities of the tracks that ing public and be critically acclaimed by such occasionally take centre stage during the qui- publications as Cosmopolitan, Hello and GQ eter moments of the film add an extra quality Magazine, then its rights will be purchased by to the experience that maybe, just maybe, you an upcoming media mogul and a film adapta- should be grateful to the man at the money-mak- tion, starring a low A-list/high B-list celebrity and ing company for. 8/10 R.W. entailing at least one soundtrack spin-off will be produced quicker than you can ‘Jack Rabbit wasn’t a rabbit at all’”. Thus, the formula for Bridget Jones’s Diary, Fever Pitch and now “About A boy” was firmly established and hundreds of boyfriends up and down the country succumbed to the “why, of course I’d like to go and watch it with you” line in order to perpetuate their current relationship. “About A Boy”, however, should probably not be included on the list so rashly quoted above, appearing instead as an entrant on a “genuinely entertaining” list of recent films. From the begin- ning, it is more than willing to tell you not to expect too much from it (due, in part, to Hugh Grant’s narration over the opening scenes) and so lets you relax and not feel too bad for laughing at the sincerely funny bits or sympathising with the characters during the more sincere and candid moments. A film that includes both playground bullying and suicide as subject matters must also make sure it laughs at the appropriate times and show restraint at others, and, bearing in mind that the basic premise of the story is “About A Boy” and the difficulties with which he has to deal, the Weitz brother’s film handles really quite well the balance of humour and “difficult” content.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE

Directed by David Lynch Starring Laura Elena Harring, Naomi Watts and Justin Theroux

Renowned for remarkably elegant, though somewhat strange and occasionally con- As we eagerly await the next Star Wars film, Attack of the Clones, we at fusing films, David Lynch returned to the affray with this offering in 2001 that was shown as the Union’s free film on Sunday night (and as part of Odeon’s “projections” Barefacts thought we would search through the web to see if we could get season the preceding Wednesday). The director of Blue Velvet and The Elephant any ideas of what we were to expect. What we pout together is the follow- Man had originally planned this film as a television show, as he had done with the ing preview... widely celebrated Twin Peaks, but when that idea was rejected decided to make it as a feature film instead. The distinctly abstract feel to the film, in which an actress makes her way to Hollywood to follow the dreams of all of those that have gone before her, made the ATTACK OF THE CLONES? film, at times, rather difficult to follow, let alone understand and interpret. As with most films of this nature, there was an element of explanation offered in the last few min- First, I must say that this film makes THE PHANTOM MENACE a better film. But it utes, though, in a characteristically Lynch way, you were always left with a question is by far the most entertaining Star Wars film to date. ATTACK OF THE CLONES is to which there was (possibly) no real answer and hence an inability to decide whether a turning point in the legend. The point of no return. or not you actually liked the film. Set 10 years after the events in “The Phantom Menace”, an attempt is made on Take, for example, the recurring references and moments dedicated to the mysteri- the life of Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman), who is now a Senator representing ous blue box and the equally mystical Silencio club: though it was evident that, sym- her home world. Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) (who has transitioned bolically at least, both of these things were integral parts of the plot, it was difficult to from student to teacher) and his Padawan learner Anakin Skywalker (Hayden interpret quite what it actually was they were symbolising. Did the blue box represent Christensen) (who has grown into the accomplished Jedi apprentice of Obi-Wan), the illusion of Hollywood and fame or did it represent the aspirations of every actress are sent to investigate. After tracking down the assassin, she is killed before any who goes to Tinsel town? Why did the film end with the word “silencio”? If you can- information can be driven out of her. The two Jedi are then sent on different mis- not determine reasonable answers to such questions, then surely your enjoyment of sions. the film must have been affected? You cannot expect to enjoy a film if you have no Anakin is sent to Naboo with Padme, where an outlawed love interest develops idea whatsoever about what is going on. between the two. A significant element of the film is the forbidden romance which will Why, then, if you cannot enjoy such a film, does David Lynch make matters so con- jeopardize the future of both participants and will play a large part in the construction fusing in his films – is he deliberately trying to be clever and elusive with his plots, or of the narrative of the STAR WARS chronicle. is this part of experiencing one of his offerings? In an interview, Mr Lynch said that one of the most important things to remember when watching one of his films was Obi-Wan is sent to the planet of Kamino where he will investigate the assassina- intuition: “[intuition is] this machine that we have for sensing something that we’re tion attempts. Little does he know, he is investigating some of the biggest events of not necessarily able to articulate. the Star Wars saga! He subsequently finds out that there is a connection between Abstractions can exist in cinema the assassination attempts and a separatists movement led by a former Jedi and that’s one of the powers of (Christopher Lee) against the Republic. Without delay the Galactic Republic finds cinema to me.” On reflection, itself at the brink of a civil war. applying this “intuition” idea to The characters we met in the PHANTOM MENACE that we are reunited with in Mulholland Drive, I find, helps lit- this film, we become better acquainted with. For example, Padme Amidala (Natalie tle – perhaps it was just a bit too Portman) loses the droll monotone voice that she had in the first film, as her role in abstract to understand, or maybe this film requires much more variety to her character. Here she infuses the character I just wasn’t paying it enough with more of herself, which is a very good thing. I know there’s many of you out there that get shivers just from watching the trail- attention. 6/10 R.W. ers, so hold on to your seats guys and get your selves ready for ATTACK OF THE CLONES, the first REAL Star War! 09/05/02 Single Reviews 7

SINGLES PETE YORN For Nancy (Cos It Already Is) cent of that old summertime romance SINGLE OF THE WEEK (Epic) THE ELECTRIC SOFT PARADE with Pavement, before Stephen Empty At The End/This Given Line Malkmus left and broke our hearts. 8/10 A.S. Pete Yorn looks cool and sounds (Hut) even cooler. The boy knows how THE HIVES to rock. The single starts with a A rather lovely double-barrelled blast sort of laid back slacker feel to it, of toe-tapping pop from those talented Main Offender (Poptones) but then explodes into a chorus Brighton youngsters; ‘Empty At The which is a guitar-driven, riff-laden End’ is direct and highly infectious; The Hives and Kylie Minogue what a triumph. Taken from the album whereas ‘This Given Line’ smoothly mix! Agent Provocateur roped them cranks up the guitar pedals a notch. both in for their latest ad campaign ‘MusicForTheMorningAfter’, this A pleasing Gudjohnson/Hasselbaink- (Kylie isn’t on the track). ‘Main is definitely worth a listen. I quite style partnership then... Quite frankly, Offender’ is the perfect foil to Kylie’s like it. 9/10 A.W. the only reason why you shouldn’t mad gyrations – recognise. Randy buy this single is if you’ve already got Fitzsimmons whoever the fuck he is catchy and mood-uplifting. In short, their third album ‘The Golden Hum’. DANKO JONES their splendid debut album ‘Holes In (Mister freakin pseudonym) has done a three-minute groove of youthful And that is probably not such a bad Sound Of Love (Bad Taste The Wall’. 8/10 A.S. the biz once more on this riff-laden optimism - a remarkable debut single. thing. 6/10 A.W. Records) roller-coaster shit. It’s great for Ian 7/10 C.L. EMETREX Curtis style dancing, so I give it a 5- GREEN VELVET As a reviewer you sometimes won- Curve Of The Earth (Infur) go-dating themed. 8/10 A.R. REMY ZERO La La Land (Credence) der how certain bands manage to get Save Me (Elektra) a record deal. Danko Jones are no It appears that Emetrex have taken RHIANNA A cautionary tale about the dangers exception. On the evidence of this a page out of the Grandaddy/ Oh Baby (Sony) This will probably be the biggest hit of pill-popping from Curtis Jones’ single, the Toronto-based three-piece Sparklehorse song-writing handbook, Remy Zero will ever have, as it’s the darker, cynical Mr. Hyde-esque side managed it on the basis of second- but dabbling with a winning formula With hotter temperatures and lazy theme tune to the Superman TV series of his personality. Surely techno’s hand metal riffs, basic songs and such as this is warmly welcomed with sunny evenings just around the corner ‘Smallville’. As such, it sounds a bit only chemical-engineering graduate dreary vocals, with the rhythm section open arms. ‘Curve Of The Earth’ is [we can hope at least!], this track will over-produced and not as raw and delivers a stripped-down, DIY-style providing the only vaguely positive an easily digestible two minutes of surely find its niche as one of the feel- exciting as the band can sound live. production with gritty base and a note. Surprisingly uninspiring stuff. lo-fi guitar-shape throwing. However, good hits of the summer. Minogue- Sweeping guitars and a soaring chorus “tekno-punk” attitude. 5/10 M.R. 4/10 P.G.S. B-side ‘Out Of My Sight’ subtlety out- esque vocals float over clean, means this might encourage people to shines its A-side companion, reminis- breezy rhythms in a clean slice of find out more about the band, such as ADEMA THE SAW DOCTORS soul-injected pop that is refreshingly Giving In (Arista) This is Me (Shamtown Records) LAST DAYS OF APRIL Playerin (Bad Taste Records) Non-descript dark rock music that just This is Me is the single taken from Recommended doesn’t grab the attention. “Watch me The Saw Doctors’ sixth album, and ‘Last Days Of April’ are another Swedish band with crumble, I’m giving in to you, I’m listening to it makes you think why the world at their feet belting out very good tunes dying tonight.” Harsh guitars, not didn’t they stop after five. The songs indeed. With a Placebo style start left in its wake much melody and boring lyrics like are middle of the road and some of with distinctive vocals combined with crafted song these means this never rises above the the singing is pretty lame. I can’t say writing. Their sound is pure, simple backing and average. B sides aren’t much better much more really, except don’t buy lyrics that’s extremely effective. A re – working of either. 4/10 A.W. this unless you’re an old Irish man. ‘Playerin’ is a fresh take on the original with more Pitiful 2/10 M.S. feeling which very much rivals it in quality. A new album out soon, and by the sound of this could be one to watch. 8/10 M.B.

Thorpe Park Competition

Travel through COLOSSUS’ ten almighty loops stretching over 850 metres of twisting track, at the hair-raising speed of 65km per hour. The first of its kind, there is no ride in the world that can test COLOSSUS, the closest eight loop rivals in Spain and Rio paling in comparison.

The explosive DETONATOR winches riders a terrifying 100ft into the air and then fires them back to earth at a 9am - 5pm (or until 7.30pm throughout August). beltin’ 75km per hour. With a mega G-force factor of 5.5 it’s a knee trembling, nail-biting, gravity-defying experi- ence! Booking:

Those wanting to be amongst the first to discover the The awesome VORTEX subjects riders to 15 high speed thrills can pre book tickets in advance on 0870 444 rotations per minute whilst swinging back and forth at a 44 66 or log on @ www.thorpepark.com. vertigo-inducing 65 feet above the ground. Be warned: the cyclonic forces of the raging VORTEX are best experienced on an empty stomach! Competition: We have a few tickets to Thorpe Park to give away. We also have a packet of Barbeque Hula Hoops in the Whatever your sign, ZODIAC promises to spin you into Barefacts office. Guess the number of Hula Hoops a new sphere of fear. Taking riders through a full 360 in our packet and the tickets are yours. (note: The degrees at 60km per hour ZODIAC quite literally turns the people with the closest numbers to the real number world upside down - and back again - in a whirl-wind cir- will be picked out of a hat. The hat chosen has been cumnavigation of the white-knuckle kind. borrowed from a member of the magic circle. Should a Rabbit comeout of it, we will send the Rabbit to Opening dates and times: Thorpe Park instead. We only count whole Hula Hoops, and not bits of crushed ones. ) Oh, and e-mail Thorpe Park is open until 3rd November every day from [email protected] with yer answer! 10 Albums 09/05/02

HUNDRED REASONS ALBUMS Ideas Above Our Station DAMON ALBARN & FRIENDS (Columbia) ALBUM OF THE WEEK Mali Music (Honest Jon’s Records) Every once in a while there Damon Albarn, best known as Blur front man and Gorrilaz creator teams comes a time when a band produces up with musicians from Mali to cre- something different, something infec- ate a musical experience. After a tious, something unbelievably power- trip nearly two years ago to Mali ful that opens the once locked door to the beauty of Mali along with their a world of realization, of shared emo- enthusiasm inspired him. The inno- tions, and shared pain. The causal link cence and simplicity is combined with between listener and band become one, Damons young but experienced head a highly charged bond of recognition – that works a treat. The music has not to the frustrations of life, love and pain been changed but merely tweaked to – one that’s tangible to the masses, the produce rounder tracks. Music is a youth of today and the presets of gen- universal language and with Albarn’s erations gone past. ‘Ideas Above Our high profile he has given us a glimpse of quality Malian master class that Station’ is that bond, and that band is may have otherwise been kept a Hundred Reasons, possibly one of the secret. ‘Le Hogon’ sees oddly a thumb best exports this country will ever see, piano blended with Bongo’s, which is a band that captures the essence and lively, and a classic mix of west meets imagination of our society, our youth, Mali influences. ‘Tennessee Hotel’ is and our lives through the beliefs of ‘I’ll atmospheric with wonderful female Find You’, the ideas of ‘If I Could’ and vocals, acoustic guitar and ‘Tender’ the unanswered questions of ‘Falter’. style base. This celebration of Malian Something not to be missed or forgot- music shows what amazing songs are ten. 9/10 K.M. out there and how narrow tastes can Err... guys, is that a camera? become without a useful reminder. bands, as well as stuff from those you istic microphone-in-mouth mad-hair arrogant as his voice may seem, given 7/10 M.B thought had kicked the bucket a long affairs. If your into punk style guitar continued positive appraisal by critics AUTOUR DE LUCIE ago (hello again Bis). It’s a crack- band stuff you’ll love it cos it is men- he has good reason. Definitely one for Je Reviens (Nettwerk) LAST DAYS OF APRIL ing idea that starts off with Phantom tal and well worth a listen. There’s a even the most lukewarm of Charlatans Ascend to the Stars (Bad Taste Planet’s low-key ‘California’ which booklet full of dodgy band photos fans. 6/10 C.L. I jumped to the chance to review this Records) is swiftly followed by the upbeat and lyrics included in the deal, great when I saw that Autour De Lucie guitar-pop of Jet Plane Landing’s if you’re a fan or perv (both words THE SUICIDE MACHINES was compared to a ’slow motion LastDaysofApril are from Sweden ‘Summer Ends’. Also along for the are freely interchangeable in this con- Steal This Record (Hollywood Saint Etienne’ (or maybe it was just and pretty much unheard of here, ride are Incubus, Vega-4, Future text). Forget the dub songs however Records) that no one else wanted it), but alas but they’re gaining wide recognition Kings Of Spain, Ten Speed Racer to cos that sort of thing is truly dogshit ‘Je Reviens’ was a bit disappointing. across Europe and America having name a few. Thankfully there are no – I don’t care what anyone else says! This album is chocked full of short For one, I realised there’s a reason recently supported At The Drive-In completely duff tracks on offer, but 7/10 A.R. slices of frantic punk pop. With a to why St Etienne is upbeat and and Chris Cornell. They fit nicely there are only a few really outstand- slightly harder guitar sound than US not slow. Still, it’s not a bad record. into the lovey-dovey and nebulous ing tracks, namely the understated THE CHARLATANS contemporaries Green Day and The ‘Je Reviens’ consists of remixes of category that is Emo, with a sound brilliance of Minuteman’s ‘Words Fail Songs from the Other Side (Beggars Offspring, the overall effect (and tracks from their third album ‘Faux similar to Haven, Lowgold and the Me Now’ and the slow, jangly, Nick Banquet Records) vocal style) is similar. The cover of Movement’, which was released quirky pop quality of Grandaddy. Drake-ish sound of Goldrush’s ‘Same REM’s classic ‘It’s The End Of The here in the UK last year. It’s French It’s pretty at times, but sadly nothing Picture’. 7/10 P.G.S. The Charlatans seem to be going World As We Know It (And I Feel pop with electronica and instruments that we haven’t heard before, plus from strength to strength this year, Fine)’ is slightly disappointing. Not mixed together with Valérie Leulliot Karl Larsson’s voice seems to have as albums like this testify. This is not as furiously fast paced as I’d hoped on vocals. It can also be added that little variation in delivery throughout NOFX even new material, but a compilation (done better by a certain Rugby band their producer is Ian Caple, who’s the album. The album does how- 45 Or 46 Songs That Weren’t Good of B-sides from the period 1990-1997. I know), but the song is always going the producer behind band such ever end with one of the best tracks Enough To Go On Our Other Rather than being a commercially-des- to sound sharp and relevant. The band as Tindersticks, Tricky and Stina “At Your Most Beautiful” which Records (Fat Wreck Chords) perate offering of second-rate songs are better with their own material. Nordenstam. Autour De Lucie has a features a lengthy play-out full of however (as such a collection from Highlights include ‘Bleeding Heart’ chilled tune with soft French vocals, heartache, reminiscent of something I’ve just checked the word count and another band could easily be), each and ‘The Killing Blow’. ‘Stand Up’ nice for late nights in, but definitely Elbowesque. 7/10 M.S. it appears I only have to write about track on this album deserves success is a shock: a ska tinged, slower track no new St Etienne. 6/10 J.K. this many words… to reach my word in its own right. Arranged in chrono- with political and “change the world VARIOUS quota. Whatever, this 2-disc collection logical order, and including occasion- for our children” messages. A very MAN ATOM Out The Box 2 (Upshot) of songs, which in the band’s words al mixes from the likes of Chemical bizarre turn of events in the middle of The Point About Gordon Black weren’t good enough to feature on Brothers and Van Basten, the selected the album. Don’t worry though, the Being (Canute Rec) It seems that this little gem of a com- any albums, is pretty bonzo if you get songs trace the band’s evolution over band soon get back to the task in hand pilation CD’s only purpose is to high- me? Very, Very alternative and also the last decade, the different styles - rocking as fast as possible. It seems The cover of ‘the point about..’ is light some of the latest material being quite late afternoon Santa Monica unified only by Tim Burgess’ distinc- to be what The Suicide Machines do just plain weird - a snap shot from a released by various up-and-coming Beach. The songs are typically nihil- tive smug vocals. Self-assured and best. 6/10 A.W. beach somewhere in the seventies of CORNERSHOP a weird looking family on holiday. In fact, weird is a very good word for the Handcream For A Generation (Wiiija) whole album. Take the instruments for instance, or to be precise: the lack of An eclectic formation of sounds and ideas from Tjinder Singh them. Apparently, everything is done one that is full of the usual quirkiness spliced with extracts of on an old Amiga and a black and hip hop, dance and reggae. ‘Staging The Plaguing Of The Raised white portable telly, and sung through a karaoke Tandy microphone! And Platform’ share similar musical tendencies to a ‘Brimful Of Asha’ with influences from Johnny Cash, at the height of the playground days filled with the added chorus Beastie Boys, Violent Femmes and of children mixed in for the quirkiness (as mentioned above). Beck, it is bound to be a weird mix. While ‘Music Plus 1’ moves into the realm of house beats with Behind Man Atom is a bloke called the typical disco seventies hitching a ride alongside ‘The London Dave Nash, who also vocals on most of the tracks. Some of the songs are Radar’. All in all ‘Handcream For A Generation’ is an outstand- quite good, with a bit of instruments ing piece of production and insightful mind release for Tjinder and not too annoying vocals. ‘Across Singh reflecting the multicultural settings of our generation. 8/10 your face’ has even got guitars in it, K.M. while ‘feel the good’ is so terrible it Brian, do i look pensive? makes you want to throw something

RECOMMENDED on your stereo. 6/10 J.K. 09/05/02 Stick it in yer window! 11 Speak Out for those Priced Out! Wednesday 15th May “NO to 24% rent rises!” www.ussu.co.uk/skint for more details

09/05/02 Personals/Society Profiles 13 The Stars Wot A Proper Charlatan Did Society Profiles: Taurus (April 21st – May 21st): Though vegetarianism is a very honourable thing to follow, the fact of the matter is that cows, sheep and adorable little bunnies still get slaughtered mercilessly every day and that it makes no real difference if you eat meat or not. So when your sister tells you that the vegetarian bake she made in home economics last year had ham in Stage Crew it, go easy on her. for....

Gemini (May 22nd – June 21st): Worst thing about your society: Rolling up long Give money to that person on the street corner and feel better for being a generous cables. and thoughtful human being, willing to give so much of yourself to another less for- tunate. Then feel really annoyed when their mate in a BMW picks up aforementioned Ultimate society dream: To have a big name homeless person and they point and laugh at you. Life bites back. act weekly.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 23rd): Ultimate dream for you personally in the The Union’s decision to use only plastic cups on the bar on Friday night will have societies activity: To Stage Manage any big disastrous consequences for you because you will cut your lip open and have blood name act! spill onto the shirt you bought yourself as a consolatory present for failing your exams. Never mind that – your date will run away from you because they cannot If you’ve ever wondered who all those people Worst injury: None (honest) although Lucky stand the sight of blood. running around on stage before every gig is, it got first degree burns on first day for Stage is likely that the answer is someone belonging Crew. Leo (July 24th – August 23rd): to Stage Crew. (Either that, or someone just Grrr, who’s the daddy this week? Whatever you try this week will work out wonder- wondering around drunk not knowing where Society activity idol: Many - Lippy, Stick, fully well for you, so long as you always start your sentence with a word beginning they are.) Wilf, Oscar, Dez, etc. - those that know their with ‘w’. When trying to look for a source on how to do this, look no further than stuff.. this very bit of the stars. Wonderful stuff. Stage Crew Most embarrassing/amusing society Virgo (August 24th – Septemeber 23rd): Name & Age: Anthony (18). moment: Any Crew Dinner or event (Which Numerous trips to the cinema are not to be sniffed at and, quite frankly, you should Gold Medal Martin???) enjoy yourself. Hell, live a little and go for those reasonably sized giant chocolate Position in Society: Stage Manager. buttons they sell in the confectionary area and a swig of drink as well. The only thing Hidden aspects of your society: The video that remains to be asked is “why are we arguing over something we agree about?” Your Best Feature: Youthful looks! collection of many WNOs and FNOs that we have!!! Libra (September 24th – October 23rd): What do you look for in a man/woman: Porn is deplorable. Stop inflicting your personal activities and preferences on your Looks good on camera (now you know why it Worst fear: Being stuck in the roof with lucky poor, suffering housemates and remove that copy of Bridget Jones’s Dairy from the points at certain people) to depend on (only kidding). living room table. The same goes for the pile of magazines underneath the rather inconspicuously sized doilies in the toilet. I know exactly what you are up to – I’m Best thing about the society activity: We do Lunchtime lasagne in Chancellors or HRB? a bloody astrologer. the gigs!! erm... Chancellors because the bar is open.

Scorpio (October 24th – November 22nd): Best single moment of your society life: Stage You in three words: Student, Smooth, Whilst reading the public notices in your local newspaper, you will notice that your Manager for Female Strippers! Strobetastic, parents seem to be selling off most of the items you asked to leave at home whilst you were away at university, which is a little unfair. Though retribution is not entirely Best moment for society: We have so many The society in three words: USSU Stage moral and something we certainly wouldn’t condone from am astrological point of well known bands that many crew have worked Crew view, take retribution anyway.

Sagittarius (November 23rd – December 21st): Fun and games at the zoo this week. Literally. Quite what that means with relation to your week I have no idea, and for you to constantly be expecting me to come up with all of the answers, week in, week out, is getting a little tiremsome. Personals Look, I’m trying here - I spend upwards of seventy-five hours a week looking through a telescope, plotting the motions of the stars about their respective galaxies, Rich W-- Get a life. There’s more to it than what back for more! paying proper attention to when a particular star is in a particular place, what kind of exciting stuff you’re going to do with Barefacts. effect that might have on your week. What if, then (and this has occured to me many Bring those traffic lights back s.w. Rich has just told me to write that he thinks I’m times before) all of the stars are in such a configuration that it actually means nothing, great. El presidente, that is an amusing beard. and that zero will happen to you during the week? What happens then? Do you drop off this mortal coil and end up managing a sheep farm in phantasy land? Do I get Keep off the grass! GRRR! reprimanded by the Society of Fake Astrologers for not reading the stars properly and therefore causing you to drop off the edge of the world? Who bloody well knows? Big up to the Hamilton Drive Massive. Matt B. Those shirts are NOT cool! nd th Capricorn (December 22 – January 20 ): Who ate all the pies (you know who you are...) NOTE: At least forty per cent of these are real I understand entirely that she is no longer your girlfriend – these things happen and, personals this week. to be perfectly honest, there is nothing you can do about it. Make yourself feel better Join the barefacts team-- email by buying some nice candles, a good book from the Oxfam store at the top of town [email protected], and then you can type in Submit yours: [email protected] and settle down for a week of quiet evenings and flickering lights. this crap. So, who’s the princess now you little player? Aquarius (January 21st – February 19th): Big welcome back to the BBF! The question of immortality is one that has plagued mankind for pretty much the Beware, a loose women wrote this personal! entirety of his existence. Trying to figure it out now, therefore, instead of revising for I want to go home... “ David Marsh, I do believe you’re not funny! your frankly important exams seems to me like your efforts are a little misdirected. “ Perhaps you should work a little harder then (and remember, I’m an astrologer – I Don’t forget: Protest next Weds. 1pm. “ BFG - Big Fat Gay “ can see the future.) Stack-- what were you thinking? Super Soakers at the ready... Everyone is fair Pisces (February 20th – March 20th): game Nice to see D fostering relations with other unis. The stars take into no account the fact that newspapers only have a certain amount of space in which to tell people their destinies for the following week. Your fate this Once was bad enough but the big fella came week, therefore, is to placate Arians everywhere. 14 Services 09/05/02 Dr Russ says “...... Money Matters!

Tips for completing on-line valuable information with- GRADUATING SOON – some hints stances are. You must reapply on an application forms out knowing it. Try to avoid for the future annual basis if your financial situa- applying near to the closing tion has not improved. You will probably already date. Servers and networks have discovered that can fail or be off-line for If you have taken STUDENT The NUS says that the debt collec- employers are using these maintenance especially at LOANS whilst you have been stud- tors can be very heavy handed. in a variety of ways. Some evenings and weekends. ying the day is not far off when you will be expected expect you to complete the It’s a good idea to keep a The Student Loan to start paying back the Company says ‘With form on the screen in one go. draft or copy of your form money. regular, sympathetic com- Others allow you to down- in case you meet these sorts munication, the neces- load the form, complete it in of problems and you can, of answers rather than put down Next April the Student Loan sity of taking defaulters your own time and then send course, also refer to it as part the first thing that comes into Company will move to recover to court can usually be it either by post or by trans- of your preparation for the the money on a monthly basis avoided – however, if the your mind. What’s more, if ferring your answers back to interview. in accordance with the agree- action taken to secure you complete the form using the screen. ment that you signed when payment is unsuccessful, a word processor, you will be Finally, we have a leaflet in you took out the loan. the account is passed on to external able to use the spell checking So what can you do to the Careers Service called agencies, followed by court action to and grammar checking fea- If, at this time, you are not working recover the balance.‛ improve your chances of Application Forms, which tures before committing your or you are not earning enough (about making successful applica- will give you other useful answers to the real thing. £10,000 per annum) you must make So TAKE CARE and DO NOT tions on-line? First of all, advice which applies to both an application for a deferral on the THROW AWAY OR IGNORE ANY make sure you check the paper and electronic ver- You should also check to loan repayments. Do not think that PIECES OF PAPER FROM THE SLC!! instructions. If you are sions. see whether there is a word if you are not working the loan will GOOD LUCK! allowed to download the not have to be repaid. Unless you limit for each section. If you form or complete it off-line, apply for a deferment the SLC will Student Advice and Information exceed it, the programme I would strongly recommend Russ Clark call in debt collectors. The law says Service, controlling the form won’t you do so. This will give Careers Service that if you have not been granted Wey Flat 2, Surrey Court necessarily put up a warning you time to compose your a delay you must repay the loan, no Tel: 01483 689261 message and you may lose matter what your financial circum- E-mail [email protected]

Notices Euchrist - Every Thursday by Rev John Strain, 12:30pm, [email protected] reception Grant Mitchel Room Cricket Club AGM, Tues 14th May, 7pm - GMR Magick & Pagan Society EGM @ 4:30pm Wed 15th May, Union cashiers office is open 12:00 - 14:00 every working Roots (tbc) day except wednesdays. End of Tuition Free Party, for all SeMS Students Friday 17 of May, at Wates House Islamic Society AGM @ 16th May, venue + time tbc 7pm Thursday 9th May (week 13) @ Hari’s Bar From 7:30 till Late Free Finger Buffet and Cash Bar FOR SALE: 1 Ticket for: Del Amitri @ Shepherds Green Society AGM @ 6pm Thursday 9th May, Roots Dress Code: Smart Casual Bush Empire, Sat 18th May, Standing. - Contact [email protected] RAG AGM, Thursday 16th May, 6pm - GMR ADMISSION BY TICKET ONLY If you want to be involved in RAG next year contact societ Free Invitations available for SeMS students in SeMS Sailing Club is planning to hold our AGM on Monday 20th May at 6pm, location to be confirmed Society Awards 2002

The 2002 Society Awards Ceremony was held in the HRB on Tuesday. In all 19 awards were given out to both individuals and whole societies. Chocolates and bottles of wine were the prizes along with specially printed certificates. The ‘Best Society’ and ‘Best Newcomer Society’ winners And the winner is... also received an engraved shield. James Buller, VP Societies & Culture and Catherine Marshall, Societies Chairperson organised Best President Best Cultural society the very successful event. Special guest was Gwyn Brown, Dean of International Students, who Sarah Butterworth MaD MaD presented the ‘Best International Society’ prize. James Buller said afterwards, “its may not as high profile as the Sports Colours, but it is just as Best Secretary Best Ents society important. It means a lot to the nominees and winners to know that they are recognised for the Danny Dixon St John Crew magnificent hard work they put in.” Best Treasurer Best Welfare/Representation society Llia Sanger-Stevens Nightline PGA

Best Publicity Best Religious society Anwar Hossein Islamic Magick & Pagan

Best Website/master Best Departmental Society Chemistry (Robert Frost) Sociology & Psychology

Best Social Best General society Niemesh Amin Chemistry Green

Best Other Committee Member Best Newcomer Reben Thompson Active Thinkers

Best Non Commiittee Member Best Revived Ahmed Shuja PSA Nordic

Lifetime Achievement Award Emma-Van-Husse Best Society Overall GU2 Best International society Asian SURREY PRIDE Boat Club Medal at BUSA!

Rowing is a sport of dedication. It requires up too early. At 1000m we were fifth, but only did. The Men’s Coxed Fours crew is: Duncan CRICKET PROFILE hours of training on the water, in the gym and just and this is where we started to play a part in Russell (bow), Dave (Paul) Abbott, John cold mornings out running on the towpath. The the race. We started to plough through the field: Churcher, Simon Granshaw (stroke), Lorcan problem is that if you do not put the work in, first Warwick, then Newcastle was taken and we Law (cox). every other club will. A consequence of which is pulled level with UEA with 500m to go. It was I must say commiseration’s to the wom- that you will end up in the minibus, home early, neck and neck for a while: both crews pushing en’s coxed four that would have undoubt- instead of on the winners podium. So in January on and we gained maybe 3 feet with 250m left. edly done well on Sunday, but racing was I told the boyz of the task we had ahead of us, an At 200m Lorcan shouted “Superburn!!” and we cancelled due to bad conditions. The ultimatum if we wanted to win. We were going to sprinted for the line. With our lungs bursting and Women’s coxed four of Hannah, Erin train twelve times per week as that was the only our bodies wrought with pain we crossed the fin- Oliver, Chrissie Wong, Sally Gladstone way I could see us winning: by being the fittest, ish line, second by a length behind Brookes and a and Lorcan the coxswain, have put in strongest crew out there. This may seem crazy to length up on UEA. I now knew that we had done tremendous efforts over the passed many people, especially to my friends when I turn it, we had shown that we were one of the best, and months, in preparation for this race. up to a 9:00am lecture and they find out I have so elated I stood up in the boat, nearly falling in! This is unfortunately the second already been up for four hours and have rowed 10 (No thanks to Dave!) time the girls have missed out on miles up and down the Thames, but that’s just the We rowed up to the medal pontoon and collected racing due to typically poor British nature of the sport. our medals. Had a bit of an incident on the way, weather: the Women’s Head of the The main goal for us was the BUSA regatta at our oars getting intimate with a wall, but we didn’t River was cancelled in March this the National Water Sports Centre in Nottingham. care. We were getting a silver (coloured) medal! year. Let’s hope that they are third This is one of the largest BUSA run events, with We’d won a BUSA medal, something Surrey Boat time lucky! over 80 universities competing and in excess of Club had not achieved since 1998. We got back Thanks to all who were there 600 crews racing over the two day regatta. So to the launch pontoon and got out the champagne. to support us and to all those when we arrived, after 4 hours of driving and got Although most of it went over the crew and the who helped us along the way. out of the ‘Landy’, kindly lent to us by the Gordon boat, we did manage to get some down our throats Hopefully we can continue with Name and Age: Tim Goodman, 19. Foundation, I wondered had we done enough? I after a drinks ban of three weeks! this success over the next few knew we had put in so much work, but how good For hours, no days, afterwards I still couldn’t years. Anyone interested in Nicknames: skipper, std, vettori, tiny, floppy. were we, and could we win? believe we had done it. All those 5:00am starts, rowing, please contact the Boat Our first race was at 10:15 on Saturday morn- cold ergo (rowing machine) sessions, long runs Club Captain, Simon, by e-mail: Best feature: eyes ing. The water was calm, the sun was shining, and painful weights, were worth it: it was all [email protected]. the scene was set for a great days rowing. We won worth it. I don’t care what anyone else thinks: What do you look for in a woman: blonde hair, beau- our heat by 2-3 lengths beating Durham, and came when you train that hard, you do well and we tiful face, grin that likes sport and lets me undress her. second by a small margin to Oxford Brookes (the best university boat club in the country) in the Marital status: attached. Allegedly happy. semi-final. In both races we were slightly behind BUSA Heat - Surrey (front) overtake Durham the rest of the pack at the 1000m mark, but man- Favourite position: poking your tongue out. aged to pull through from 1000m to 1500m. Our finish was strong in the semi, where we had to sprint to ensure our place in the final. Best thing about your sport: sitting around and doing I knew now we were good, we were in the nothing BUSA final and we just had to go flat out to win. Paddling up to the start Lorcan (cox) was Worst thing about your sport: sitting around and doing saying to us, “Believe in yourselves. We have nothing and then getting out for a duck. worked so hard to be here, now let’s do this thing!” Lining up I knew we had strength in the Best single moment of sporting career: becoming cap- latter stages of races, so we had to use this to tain of the 1st XI. our advantage and not go off too hard and burn Worst injury: getting hit on the shoulder – “it hurt”.

Sporting idol: Muhammed Ali, Michael Schumacher, Cricket Reports Ben Candy. A question that may have “playing in the BUSA indoor tournament” as an answer: playing in the University of Hertfordshire 1st XI that was great for bat- BUSA indoor tournament. 114 – 8 (25 overs) The 2nd XI recorded a comfortable win over their ting. Nevertheless, Abid (Q.Nawaz 2-26) counterparts. With both teams bolstered by a few picked up 3-32 with his Something to be said about your sport: it’s not University of Surrey 1st XI 1st XI players, the scoring was high with Qaiser leg spin and Rajeev as boring as you may think. 115 – 6 (24.4 overs) retiring on 53 and 1st team captain Tim scoring 43 bowled a marathon 14 (B.Candy 43) as they took the opportunity to get some time at the over spell opening the Favourite food: Italian. Surrey’s cricketers got off to a winning start to crease. Imran scored a classy 28 to take the total up bowling. It was a spirited their season at the Varsity on Sunday despite to 166 despite 2nd team captain Steve being dis- performance in the field You in three words: nice, but dim. making hard work of chasing a modest total. missed by a rather innocuous delivery for a duck and the team went in at the Hertfordshire started brightly and were scoring (or a big-fat zero, if you prefer). tea break confident of scor- at the rate of a run a ball early on before Captain Hertfordshire, in their innings, never really looked ing the runs on such a good Tim and Abid produced 10 fantastically tight overs like reaching the total thanks mainly to Pete pick- wicket. between them before Qaiser chipped in with some ing up a couple of wickets in the middle of the Richard gave the innings great late wickets. innings to stop Herts making a charge. impetus at the start, hitting his The Surrey innings started badly when Jamie was first ball for six and compiling a given out to a very dodgy lbw decision. Surrey Guildford Cricket Club highly entertaining 32; such early then proceeded to loose wickets at regular intervals 186 – 6 momentum kept UniS ahead of before Ben Candy, with a spectacularly resplend- (A.Hussain 3-32) the required run-rate and as Jimmy ent 43 and Abid with 19 put together a partnership University of Surrey batted throughout the innings, end- to put Surrey within a few runs of victory, which 187 - 4 ing on an unbeaten 88, he was helped was secured a couple of overs later. (J.Gill 88*, R.Chibisa 32) by some lusty hitting late on by Abid, Sunday 31st March saw the cricketing “battle of who was not out on 21. University of Surrey 2nd XI Guildford,” with the University taking on Surrey Thus, the cricketing boys began their 166 – 4 (25 overs) league champions Guildford on the County Ground season with a 100% victorious weekend to (Q.Nawaz 53, T.Goodman 43, I.Younis at Woodbridge Road in ideal cricketing weather. start off their season, bringing confidence to 28*) Captain Tim lost the toss and the team were con- the team for some big matches coming up. University of Hertfordshire 2nd XI signed to 3 hours in the field, during which the 133 - 6 (25 overs) bowlers had to work particularly hard on a wicket