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Off the Record: Telling the Rest of the Truth

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Off the Record: Telling the Rest of the Truth S U N S T O N E I’ve come to drop off this baggage of Sonia Johnson and Mark Hofmann I’ve carried so long, packed too tightly with too many heavy items. OFF THE RECORD: TELLING THE REST OF THE TRUTH By Linda 5illitoe FORA LONG TIME MY FA- to run several cosmic subjects vorite credential-~as announced through my mind, discard them at a Sunstone Symposium--was all for lack of expertise, and con- as the author of investigative clude that I really had nothing to poems. Recently a second favor- say to this group. But then that ite was added--the author of an parent who lurks within each of award-winning nonfiction novel us interrupted my thoughts, say- --and this by a corporation that ing, "What do you mean you teaches writing and editing! Then don’t have anything to say? You there’s my least favorite identifi- do have things to say and this is "cation--"the little girl who wrote the group to which you need to Salamander." I wonder if Allen say them." You see, I knew I Roberts has ever been called "the needed to do this as a part of my little boy who wrote Salaman- 1 own healing; but I also hope that der,,? this evening will contain some These first two capsulizations communal healing as well--a may be my favorites not only be- laser procedure hopefully, heal- cause of their paradoxical nature ing with light. but because they describe my Now why did that internal tendency to cross genres--from parent identify this group? A few poetry to fiction to journalism weeks ago at the Sunstone Sym- and back again. Sometimes the LINDA SILLITOE posium many of us heard a paper truth can be best told in journal- This talk is a symbolic act I need to by Mormon Women’s Forum ism, but sometimes a deeper, perform. For in picking up the torch you founder Kelli Frame. The most subtler truth can be told in fic- also have claimed the baggage, even tion. A poem is a lie that tells the memorable moment for me came truth. All writing takes a point of though you may not recognize it or understand when Kelli said, "Sonia Johnson why it’s so heavy. was excommunicated so that the view, for there is no such thing in rest of us would not be." As Kelli history or journalism as true objectivity--we aim for fairnessspoke those words, the world stilled for a second, for I realized and accuracy. Of course I cannot tell "the rest of the truth" inI was hearing--ten years after the fact--the truth. Later on I one evening about my career in journalism or even about myheard someone comment that Kelli’s paper had been angry. two most challenging stories. But I can come closest by cross-Angry? That, too, was familiar; angry was what people always ing the lines of journalism into other genres, and by presentingsaid about Sonia. Yes, Kelli had said she was angry and she had a personal as well as professional view. said why. But in so saying she had been funny, rueful, dignified, My initial reaction when I was invited to speak tonight wasgenerous, and uncontrolling--and so had Sonia. But who ever said, "Sonia’s funny"? Who said, "Kelli was generous and uncontrolling"? Neither had ranted--as, on occasion, I have LINDA SILLITOE authored several stories covering, the seen patriarchs rant (when moved upon by the Spirit, of excommunication of Sonia Johnson and co-authored Salamander: course). Neither had defamed or attacked. Each had opened The Story of the Mormon Forgery MuMers with Allen Roberts. herself to her audience, whether critics or friends. This paper was presented in Salt Lake City at the Mormon Women’s Forum on 7 September 1990. The subject of anger, the ’W word, came up again as I discussed this talk xvith forum leaders. "I think I’ve said all this PAGE 12 DECEMBER 1990 S U N S T O N E before," I worried. "But we hear all the time, ’I can’t look atEqual Rights Amendment on a reinvented wheel into accep- these things, listen to these subjects, talk about them, becausetance, at that moment progress for women’s rights seemed I get too angry,’" one forum leader told me. That clicked.unlikely Had everything been in vain? Several times at the symposium I was told of women who were In that conversation I shared with Sonia the image, vivid in no longer dealing with issues but with relationships. Now mymy mind then, of a wave that had crested and crashed upon life is blessedly rich with relationships, but I’ve never experi-the beach, reaching farther than any previous wave; and then, enced one that didn’t have its issues. Nor have I ever knownas waves always do, receded. I reminded her that even as one an issue that did not involve relationships. wave receded another was building, and that some water I am going to tell you the seeped forward even as the two most powerful, censoring, momentum rushed back, that guilt-triggering, silencing sometime there would be an- statements in Mormon culture. other wave and the next would The first is, "You-she-he sound reach farther as the inevitable angry." Oh, no, not that, you tide of human evolution rolled think I’m angry? The second is in. Sonia didn’t like my like unto it: "You-she-he are re- image--how long would such ally bitter." A cultural mortal a wave take to build? How blow. Better one should be a much would be lost in the Son of Perdition--daughters meantime? Instead of waves aren’t macho enough to qual- she wanted ongoing transfor- ify-than be detected as angry mation: I agreed with her wish, or bitter. Better to divert anger, but all I had was my image. as basic to human nature as Since then water has crept hunger or sleep, into depres- g cally,toward and shore, within nationally, the LDS lo- sion or some other illness be- fore it is even felt, let alone ~ church. Yet last year when the expressed. Then every calm in- ~ Mormon Women’s Forum dividual can help shovel any { asked me to read poetry at its collective instance of anger, i open house, I pulled out some piling it in that invisible com- SONIA JOHNSON - poems I wrote eight to ten munity silo that occasionally years ago and found they reaches meltdown--to I had gone to Virginia not as a witness for shocked some and electrified everyone’s astonishment-- Sonia Johnson but as a witness for the community others. I might have written since we serenely forget the silo that wanted to know; I had seen, them the morning of the read- exists. I had absorbed, and I couldn’t forget what no ing, so little had changed. If We should not be angry; we one any longer wanted to hear. little has changed for women should be calm even when de- nationally since 1980, even rided by outsiders, as was Mark Hofmann, for instance, on his less has changed in. Utah where women remain vastly under- mission. We should be pleasant and friendly, as was Mark represented in the higher echelons of government, education, Hofmann discussing and selling historical documents. Verythe judiciary, the arts, religion, and business. Those positions few people ever heard Mark express anger once he became an are overwhelmingly occupied not only by men, but by bishops adult. He was so calm he carried fully-armed bombs to their and stake presidents--Church leaders. destinations. Yet bombs are rage, explosives contained, nicely- We are a community that thrives on issues. A few of you packaged, carefully-wired, and devastatingly deadly. Of course have personally dealt with the things I will discuss; more of even as wood, plaster, concrete, clothing, blood, and flesh flew, you were not present for them. That doesn’t matter because Mark Hofmann was not angry, he didn’t get spattered. He this talk is essentially a symbolic act I need to perform, which stayed on the calm, sanitary side of murder. And there are is appropriate to such a community For in picking up the those who have rather admired that. torch you also have claimed the baggage, even though you may Again, why unburden to this group? About ten years ago, not recognize it or understand why it’s so heaW. The title of after Sonia Johnson had been excommunicated, after Reagan- this talk came first and apparently is more titillating than I ism had settled into the Capital and my eastern friends wereanticipated. "Off the record" means material I will not associate assuring me that Washington, D.C., was "just like Utah," afterwith my source’s name. Often such information is critical to a it became clear that the women’s movement would be lucky tostory and feels dangerous to the source and sometimes to the hold ground in the 1980s let alone win much, I had a conver-messenger. Almost without exception everything I received off sation with Sonia. In that particular conversation, Sonia wasthe record, that was in fact important, I wrote. That doesn’t despairing, for although she had come very close to rolling themean it was absorbed. It may sound as new as my poems did. DECEMBER 1990 PAGE 13 $ u N 5 T 0 N E Every story also has a context and a subtext, some of which I I am confessing here that I am better at digging in than will try to leave with you tonight.
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