NBC Late Night Workshop 2013 Application by Andrea Schwartz Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Monologue Jokes Pages 1-2 Weekend Update Jokes Pages 3-4 Late Night Translator (Desk Piece) Pages 5-9 Law & Order: SVU and the Case of the Decapitated Prostitute (SNL Digital Short) Pages 10-15 MONOLOGUE JOKES Cast: Jimmy Fallon 1. A new game show in Pakistan is giving away babies as prizes. [Turns to camera 2, C.U.] Your move Oprah. 2. A recent poll of Georgia households revealed that Paula Deen has a more favorable rating than Martin Luther King, Jr. But that’s only because they’ve never tried Dr. King’s bacon cheddar bagel bites. They’re gluten free at last, free at last! 3. Mayor Bloomberg reportedly spent $13,000 on a copper bathtub for his mansion, but he promises it will only hold sixteen ounces of water. 4. Mayor Bloomberg initially wanted a black marble tub, but it was stopped and frisked on it’s way from the Bronx. 5. This is crazy. A Chinese zoo is in trouble for trying to pass off a large hairy dog as a lion. Visitors say they noticed something was wrong when the lion kept dragging its butt across the carpet. 6. A Utah beauty queen was arrested for tossing homemade bombs at her friends. Police say they became suspicious when her talent coach kept making this gesture [Jimmy mimes pushing a TNT plunger and holds his ears]. 7. So a guy in Louisiana rode his horse into a bar then lassoed a man and dragged him into the parking lot. Boy, the Lone Ranger is really taking that Rotten Tomato meter to heart. 8. Paypal founder Elon Musk is developing the hyper loop, it’s this futuristic super fast train that would get you from LA to San Francisco in 45 minutes. Unfortunately, forty of those minutes will be spent trying to remember your password. [Mimes typing] Ninjamonkey. No. Ninjamonkey one. No. Ninjamonkey one exclamation point. Dammit! What is it?!? 9. Did you hear about this? An American tourist broke off a 600 year old Italian statue’s finger. So I guess Anthony Weiner isn’t the only American yanking rock hard things. 2. 10. Turkey is putting warning labels on alcoholic beverages that say “alcohol is not your friend.” Which is better than their first attempt, “Alcohol is not your friend. Hey, maybe I was wrong alcohol; you’re okay. Oh, who am I kidding? Alcohol is great! What did you say? You shut your mouth alcohol. You’re a lying jerk! Oh, I can’t stay mad at you, alcohol. I love you. [crying] Hold me.” 11. Taco Bell is testing breakfast waffle tacos. Because you know what goes great with a side of bacon? Explosive diarrhea. 12. I guess Taco Bell is trying to corner the stoner market. Before now they only had that demographic covered from noon to four a.m. 13. The Costa Rican government plans to release all of its zoo animals into the wild. Yeah, you might want to move Jurassic Park up to the top of your Netflix queue, Costa Rica. It doesn’t end so well. 14. An Ohio gun safety instructor shot his student in the arm last week. I guess he’s against the right to bare arms. “I told you to wear sleeves, Todd!” 3. WEEKEND UPDATE JOKES Cast: Seth Myers 1. Authorities at JFK say a suspicious package that initially tested positive for VX nerve gas was actually full of beauty supplies. “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s methylphosphonothioate.” 2. Australian politician Peter Dowling quit after taking pictures of his penis in a glass of red wine. He apologized, saying, [in Australian accent] “I’m deeply sorry I took my didgeridoo on a walkabout out of the bush. I promise to keep it in my pouch. [Beat] Bloomin’ onion.” 3. When asked why he chose wine Dowling said “because putting it in a can of Fosters would have been redundant.” 4. Disgraced San Diego mayor Bob Filner returned from a two week rehab stint only to find his office locks had been changed. But this isn’t the first time he’s jiggled his knob at work. 5. A Nameberry.com report says that one of the most popular boy names for 2013 is Bear. In related news, a 2023 IRS report lists a record number of filings for “traveling bard.” 6. A dead shark was found on the NYC subway. Police have released this sketch of the suspect. [Insert: picture of a dolphin dressed as a gangster] 7. Anthony Weiner is proposing that cops wear body cameras for stop and frisks. Saying, “I heard of this great new app called Snapchat.” 8. A longtime Obama aide says that the president played cards during the bin Laden raid, in what was the world’s most realistic and highstakes game of War. 9. The Washington Post is reporting that the NSA broke privacy rules thousands of times since 2008. To which Google responded, “Aww, that’s adorable.” 10. Artist Jasper Johns’ long time assistant is accused of stealing millions of dollars worth of art from his studio, but the joke’s on him because most of it was just a bunch of used napkins. [Insert: picture of one of Johns’ more abstract paintings.] 4. 11. Weapons experts say that North Korean missiles used in a propaganda parade are fake, but Kim Jong Un insists that the rockets are just as real as the great white unicorn that carried his father to his sky palace on Haley’s comet. 12. Rush Limbaugh shot down calls to moderate GOP primary debates saying he would overshadow them. Which is what he’s been telling his shoe collection for years. 5. LATE NIGHT TRANSLATOR This is written as a new desk piece for Late Night. Cast: Everyone plays themselves INT. STUDIO - NIGHT JIMMY sits at his desk, and HIGGINS is at the podium. JIMMY Welcome back to Late Night. So yesterday I was eating a really hot piece of pizza and I burned the roof of my mouth, and I did that thing where you shovel it from side to side, and you look like Darth Vader teaching a lamaze class. Jimmy mimes breathing heavily and opening and closing his mouth. JIMMY (CONT’D) And I wondered is there a word for that. Well, I Googled it and it turns out that there is, just not in English. They have a word for it in Ghana, and it’s called pelenti. HIGGINS Like polenta. JIMMY Something like that. HIGGINS Or Pawlenty. JIMMY Pawlenty pelenti-ed polenta. Well, it got me thinking. What other foreign words are there that we don’t have in English? Which brings us to our newest segment: Late Night Translator. TITLE CARD: Late Night Translator JIMMY (CONT’D) Our first word is from Georgia. The country; not the state. 6. HIGGINS (In Russian accent) In Georgia, peach eat you! JIMMY Is that Yakov Smirnoff? HIGGINS It’s topical. JIMMY We’re always on the cutting edge of pop culture here at Late Night. So this is a Georgian word called “zeg.” CHRYON: Zeg (noun) - the day after tomorrow JIMMY (CONT’D) It means the day after tomorrow. INSERT: Movie poster of The Day After Tomorrow JIMMY (CONT’D) As in: Zeg was a terrible movie. HIGGINS Ooh, you just got served, Quaid. JIMMY I brought the truth to the Quaid. HIGGINS Georgian style. JIMMY Our next word is Hungarian. And I swear this is real. Donaldkacsázás. CHYRON: Donaldkacsázás (verb) - the act of walking around with a shirt on but no pants. JIMMY (CONT’D) And it means to walk around with a shirt on but without any pants. It literally translates to “Donald Ducking.” INSERT: Picture of Donald Duck. JIMMY (CONT’D) As in: Your honor, I wasn’t drunk, I was Donaldkacsázás. 7. HIGGINS (In Donald Duck voice) I plead the fifth. JIMMY (In Donald Duck voice) Move to strike, your honor. HIGGINS (In Donald Duck voice) Objection. Badgering the witness. JIMMY (In Donald Duck voice) Sustained. (Back to normal voice) This next one is a great Japanese word. Boketto. CHYRON: Boketto (verb) - to gaze into the distance without thinking of anything in particular. JIMMY (CONT’D) It’s when you stare into the distance and don’t think about anything. INSERT: Picture of Michele Bachmann staring vacantly into the distance. JIMMY (CONT’D) As in: Michele Bachmann experienced boketto when she was asked about... ROLLING CREDIT over Bachmann’s picture of each word as Jimmy reads them. The text scrolls faster and faster. JIMMY (CONT’D) Foreign policy. The economy. Syria. Ben Ghazi. Mohammed Morsi. Gun control. Climate change. Minimum wage. The royal baby. Edward Snowden. Energy. The Sochi Olympics. Tax reform. Cronuts. Vladimir Putin’s missing shirt. Blurred Lines. Bo Obama. Third world debt. Breaking Bad’s final season. Fillibusters. Bieber fever. Ice cream. John Boehner’s spray tan. Beyonce’s new haircut. Jimmy cannot keep up with all of the text and gives up with a dramatic intake of breath. Higgins stares into the distance imitating Bachmann’s picture. We hold on him for several seconds. 8. JIMMY (CONT’D) Higgins! Higgins snaps out of it. HIGGINS Did you say something? JIMMY I want to share this last word with you. It’s great. It’s from Easter Island. You know the place with all the big statues? Well they have a word called tingo. HIGGINS Bingo? JIMMY Tingo. HIGGINS Tingo! CHYRON: Tingo (verb) - to borrow things from a friend’s house one by one until you have taken everything.