NBC Late Night Workshop 2013 Application by Andrea Schwartz

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Monologue Jokes Pages 1-2 Weekend Update Jokes Pages 3-4 Late Night Translator (Desk Piece) Pages 5-9 Law & Order: SVU and the Case of the Decapitated Prostitute (SNL Digital Short) Pages 10-15 MONOLOGUE JOKES Cast: Jimmy Fallon 1. A new game show in Pakistan is giving away babies as prizes. [Turns to camera 2, C.U.] Your move Oprah. 2. A recent poll of Georgia households revealed that Paula Deen has a more favorable rating than Martin Luther King, Jr. But that’s only because they’ve never tried Dr. King’s bacon cheddar bagel bites. They’re gluten free at last, free at last! 3. Mayor Bloomberg reportedly spent $13,000 on a copper bathtub for his mansion, but he promises it will only hold sixteen ounces of water. 4. Mayor Bloomberg initially wanted a black marble tub, but it was stopped and frisked on it’s way from the Bronx. 5. This is crazy. A Chinese zoo is in trouble for trying to pass off a large hairy dog as a lion. Visitors say they noticed something was wrong when the lion kept dragging its butt across the carpet. 6. A Utah beauty queen was arrested for tossing homemade bombs at her friends. Police say they became suspicious when her talent coach kept making this gesture [Jimmy mimes pushing a TNT plunger and holds his ears]. 7. So a guy in Louisiana rode his horse into a bar then lassoed a man and dragged him into the parking lot. Boy, the Lone Ranger is really taking that Rotten Tomato meter to heart. 8. Paypal founder Elon Musk is developing the hyper loop, it’s this futuristic super fast train that would get you from LA to San Francisco in 45 minutes. Unfortunately, forty of those minutes will be spent trying to remember your password. [Mimes typing] Ninjamonkey. No. Ninjamonkey one. No. Ninjamonkey one exclamation point. Dammit! What is it?!? 9. Did you hear about this? An American tourist broke off a 600 year old Italian statue’s finger. So I guess Anthony Weiner isn’t the only American yanking rock hard things. 2.

10. Turkey is putting warning labels on alcoholic beverages that say “alcohol is not your friend.” Which is better than their first attempt, “Alcohol is not your friend. Hey, maybe I was wrong alcohol; you’re okay. Oh, who am I kidding? Alcohol is great! What did you say? You shut your mouth alcohol. You’re a lying jerk! Oh, I can’t stay mad at you, alcohol. I love you. [crying] Hold me.” 11. Taco Bell is testing breakfast waffle tacos. Because you know what goes great with a side of bacon? Explosive diarrhea. 12. I guess Taco Bell is trying to corner the stoner market. Before now they only had that demographic covered from noon to four a.m. 13. The Costa Rican government plans to release all of its zoo animals into the wild. Yeah, you might want to move Jurassic Park up to the top of your Netflix queue, Costa Rica. It doesn’t end so well. 14. An Ohio gun safety instructor shot his student in the arm last week. I guess he’s against the right to bare arms. “I told you to wear sleeves, Todd!” 3.

WEEKEND UPDATE JOKES Cast: Seth Myers 1. Authorities at JFK say a suspicious package that initially tested positive for VX nerve gas was actually full of beauty supplies. “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s methylphosphonothioate.” 2. Australian politician Peter Dowling quit after taking pictures of his penis in a glass of red wine. He apologized, saying, [in Australian accent] “I’m deeply sorry I took my didgeridoo on a walkabout out of the bush. I promise to keep it in my pouch. [Beat] Bloomin’ onion.” 3. When asked why he chose wine Dowling said “because putting it in a can of Fosters would have been redundant.” 4. Disgraced San Diego mayor Bob Filner returned from a two week rehab stint only to find his office locks had been changed. But this isn’t the first time he’s jiggled his knob at work. 5. A Nameberry.com report says that one of the most popular boy names for 2013 is Bear. In related news, a 2023 IRS report lists a record number of filings for “traveling bard.” 6. A dead shark was found on the NYC subway. Police have released this sketch of the suspect. [Insert: picture of a dolphin dressed as a gangster] 7. Anthony Weiner is proposing that cops wear body cameras for stop and frisks. Saying, “I heard of this great new app called Snapchat.” 8. A longtime Obama aide says that the president played cards during the bin Laden raid, in what was the world’s most realistic and highstakes game of War. 9. The Washington Post is reporting that the NSA broke privacy rules thousands of times since 2008. To which Google responded, “Aww, that’s adorable.” 10. Artist Jasper Johns’ long time assistant is accused of stealing millions of dollars worth of art from his studio, but the joke’s on him because most of it was just a bunch of used napkins. [Insert: picture of one of Johns’ more abstract paintings.] 4.

11. Weapons experts say that North Korean missiles used in a propaganda parade are fake, but Kim Jong Un insists that the rockets are just as real as the great white unicorn that carried his father to his sky palace on Haley’s comet. 12. Rush Limbaugh shot down calls to moderate GOP primary debates saying he would overshadow them. Which is what he’s been telling his shoe collection for years. 5.

LATE NIGHT TRANSLATOR This is written as a new desk piece for Late Night. Cast: Everyone plays themselves

INT. STUDIO - NIGHT JIMMY sits at his desk, and HIGGINS is at the podium. JIMMY Welcome back to Late Night. So yesterday I was eating a really hot piece of pizza and I burned the roof of my mouth, and I did that thing where you shovel it from side to side, and you look like Darth Vader teaching a lamaze class. Jimmy mimes breathing heavily and opening and closing his mouth. JIMMY (CONT’D) And I wondered is there a word for that. Well, I Googled it and it turns out that there is, just not in English. They have a word for it in Ghana, and it’s called pelenti. HIGGINS Like polenta. JIMMY Something like that. HIGGINS Or Pawlenty. JIMMY Pawlenty pelenti-ed polenta. Well, it got me thinking. What other foreign words are there that we don’t have in English? Which brings us to our newest segment: Late Night Translator. TITLE CARD: Late Night Translator JIMMY (CONT’D) Our first word is from Georgia. The country; not the state. 6.

HIGGINS (In Russian accent) In Georgia, peach eat you! JIMMY Is that Yakov Smirnoff? HIGGINS It’s topical. JIMMY We’re always on the cutting edge of pop culture here at Late Night. So this is a Georgian word called “zeg.” CHRYON: Zeg (noun) - the day after tomorrow JIMMY (CONT’D) It means the day after tomorrow. INSERT: Movie poster of The Day After Tomorrow JIMMY (CONT’D) As in: Zeg was a terrible movie. HIGGINS Ooh, you just got served, Quaid. JIMMY I brought the truth to the Quaid. HIGGINS Georgian style. JIMMY Our next word is Hungarian. And I swear this is real. Donaldkacsázás. CHYRON: Donaldkacsázás (verb) - the act of walking around with a shirt on but no pants. JIMMY (CONT’D) And it means to walk around with a shirt on but without any pants. It literally translates to “Donald Ducking.” INSERT: Picture of Donald Duck. JIMMY (CONT’D) As in: Your honor, I wasn’t drunk, I was Donaldkacsázás. 7.

HIGGINS (In Donald Duck voice) I plead the fifth. JIMMY (In Donald Duck voice) Move to strike, your honor. HIGGINS (In Donald Duck voice) Objection. Badgering the witness. JIMMY (In Donald Duck voice) Sustained. (Back to normal voice) This next one is a great Japanese word. Boketto. CHYRON: Boketto (verb) - to gaze into the distance without thinking of anything in particular. JIMMY (CONT’D) It’s when you stare into the distance and don’t think about anything. INSERT: Picture of Michele Bachmann staring vacantly into the distance. JIMMY (CONT’D) As in: Michele Bachmann experienced boketto when she was asked about... ROLLING CREDIT over Bachmann’s picture of each word as Jimmy reads them. The text scrolls faster and faster. JIMMY (CONT’D) Foreign policy. The economy. Syria. Ben Ghazi. Mohammed Morsi. Gun control. Climate change. Minimum wage. The royal baby. Edward Snowden. Energy. The Sochi Olympics. Tax reform. Cronuts. Vladimir Putin’s missing shirt. Blurred Lines. Bo Obama. Third world debt. Breaking Bad’s final season. Fillibusters. Bieber fever. Ice cream. John Boehner’s spray tan. Beyonce’s new haircut. Jimmy cannot keep up with all of the text and gives up with a dramatic intake of breath. Higgins stares into the distance imitating Bachmann’s picture. We hold on him for several seconds. 8.

JIMMY (CONT’D) Higgins! Higgins snaps out of it. HIGGINS Did you say something? JIMMY I want to share this last word with you. It’s great. It’s from Easter Island. You know the place with all the big statues? Well they have a word called tingo. HIGGINS Bingo? JIMMY Tingo. HIGGINS Tingo! CHYRON: Tingo (verb) - to borrow things from a friend’s house one by one until you have taken everything. JIMMY It means to take objects from your friend’s house one at a time until you’ve borrowed everything they own. This is genius! I love that there’s a word for this. HIGGINS Hey, do you have a pen I can borrow? JIMMY Sure. Higgins walks over to the desk and grabs a pen. He then puts it back and grabs the entire mug full of pens and brings them to his podium. JIMMY (CONT’D) You got enough pens there? HIGGINS Oh, you know what, I don’t have any paper either. Can I have some? JIMMY Of course. 9.

Higgins walks over and grabs a single sheet of paper from a notepad. Then he grabs the entire notepad and walks back to his podium. JIMMY (CONT’D) Are you working on something over there? HIGGINS You know what? I really should type this out. He walks back over to the desk and grabs Jimmy’s computer. The desk is completely bare now. JIMMY Sure. I wasn’t using that. Higgins sets up the computer on his podium. HIGGINS You know I hate to type standing up. Can I borrow your chair? JIMMY You want my chair? HIGGINS Yeah, I’ll give it back. I promise. Higgins pushes Jimmy out of his chair and brings it to his podium. Jimmy stands awkwardly at his desk. HIGGINS (CONT’D) I need some music. Higgins walks over to The Roots and grabs Tariq and his microphone. He brings them both over to the podium. JIMMY If you have any great foreign words send them to @LateNightJimmy with the hashtag #LateNightTranslator. Stick around, we’ll be right back! FADE OUT. 10.

LAW & ORDER: SVU AND THE CASE OF THE DECAPITATED PROSTITUTE This is written to be an SNL digital short. Cast: Detective Benson: Mariska Hargitay (as host; otherwise Kate McKinnon) Nancy Drew: Nasim Pedrad Medical Examiner: Vanessa Bayer Sugar: Cecily Strong Tito: Jay Pharoah

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY DETECTIVE OLIVIA BENSON stands next to a covered body. NANCY DREW walks under the police tape. She is wearing a preppy skirt and sweater vest. NANCY DREW What do we have here? BENSON Miss, I need you to step back. This is a crime scene. NANCY DREW That’s why Captain Kragen sent me. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Nancy Drew, inquisitive scholar and amateur sleuth! BENSON Benson. How old are you? NANCY DREW Sixteen, but don't worry I've solved over two hundred cases since starting the tenth grade. So what do we have here? BENSON Jogger found the body this morning. Benson pulls back the sheet to reveal a decapitated prostitute with tattered fishnet stockings. NANCY DREW Golly! BENSON Is this your first homicide? 11.

NANCY DREW Yes. But I’m no stranger to contemptible crimes. I once solved the “Case of the River Heights Dog Napper”! BENSON Sure. Anyway, it looks like she was decapitated after being sexually assaulted. NANCY DREW Look. She has a ring tan. Someone must have stolen it. Now to solve the “Case of the Missing Ring”! BENSON No. Now to solve the “Case of the Dead Prostitute”. NANCY DREW To the library! Nancy exits. Benson stares after her completely perplexed. CUT TO:

INT. CORONER'S OFFICE - DAY The Law & Order sound effect plays. The MEDICAL EXAMINER, Benson and Nancy stand over the body. MEDICAL EXAMINER Her name is Coco Brown. We matched her prints in the database. Do you see these marks on her torso? It indicates that she was bound with a rope and moved. NANCY DREW This reminds me of the “Case of the Hidden Statue.” Professor Alton stole a priceless artifact from the Museum of Natural History and hid it in the woods. Come on gang; we have some sleuthing to do! Nancy pulls out a magnifying glass and exits. Benson and the Medical Examiner stare at each other in confusion. CUT TO: 12.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY Law & Order sound effect plays. Nancy and Benson interview SUGAR, a prostitute. Nancy takes notes with a pink notepad and feathered pen. SUGAR Yeah, I knew Coco. She was running her mouth all over the place. She had it comin'. Snitches get stitches. BENSON Did Coco have any enemies? SUGAR Who you think we work for? Santa Claus? Tito was messing her up all the time. Nancy explores the alleyway. She pulls on random objects, such as loose bricks. BENSON (To Nancy) What are you doing? NANCY DREW I'm looking for a trap door. BENSON There is no trap door! We’re in an alley behind a crack house. (To Sugar) Where do we find Tito? SUGAR He ain't gonna talk to no cops. He gonna run if he sees you. NANCY DREW (Gasps) I've devised an ingenious plan. To the secret sleuthing lab! BENSON There’s no such thing! Nancy exits. Sugar and Benson exchange bemused looks. SUGAR Something’s wrong with that child. CUT TO: 13.

EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT Law & Order sound effect plays. Nancy is “disguised” as a prostitute. She is wearing the same preppy skirt and sweater vest but with a blonde wig and some red lipstick. She undoes her top button. BENSON Undercover is no joke, Nancy. One slip up and he’ll make you for a cop. NANCY DREW I'm a master of disguise, Detective. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some snooping to do! Benson sighs and waits in the car. Nancy approaches TITO, a flashy pimp wearing a fur coat and feathered hat. NANCY DREW (CONT'D) Excuse me, mister. Are you looking for a good time? Because if you are, I am a prostitute. TITO You're a long way from home, mamí. This is my hood, and can't no bitches work in my hood without my say. NANCY DREW (Offering her hand) Oh, you must be Mr. Tito, Coco's friend. TITO Yeah, I knew that slut. Who the hell are you? Nancy pulls off the wig. NANCY DREW I'm Nancy Drew, girl detective, and you are wanted for the murder of Coco Brown. TITO Bitch, I will cut you! Tito pulls out a switchblade. Nancy puts up her fists. NANCY DREW I warn you, my boyfriend Ned has trained me in fisticuffs. Tito lunges at Nancy, but Benson takes him down. 14.

NANCY DREW (CONT'D) And let that be a lesson to you, vagabond! Nancy exits. Benson has her knee on Tito’s neck. TITO What’s wrong with that girl? CUT TO:

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT Law & Order sound effect plays. Tito sits in a chair. Benson stares at him across the table. BENSON Okay, Tito. What did you do with Coco's head? TITO Man, you ain’t got nothing on me, ho. Approaching Tito. BENSON We can play this the easy way or the hard way. Nancy enters carrying a box. NANCY DREW Detective. You've got the wrong man! This fine local businessman is innocent. Benson looks inside the box. BENSON Holy crap, Nancy! Where did you find Coco's head, and why are you carrying it around in a box? NANCY DREW Excellent question Detective. While you were talking to Sugar, I noticed she was wearing a gold ring. It was the same shape and size of Coco's ring tan, so I did some sleuthing around the crack- cocaine housing establishment and found a secret passageway leading to an abandoned mansion where I found Coco’s head. (MORE) 15. NANCY DREW (CONT'D) I then matched the ring to Coco's tan line, thus solving “The Case of the Missing Ring”! Nancy brings in Sugar and they arrested her. TITLE CARD: Executive Producer, Dick Wolf. Law and Order music plays. BLACKOUT.