THIS IS SPARTAAA! We will write in the shade. INSIDE Volume 41, Issue 22 1000 Hilltop Circle, Baltimore, MD 21250 December 25, 2087 News 02 OIT bans World of Warcraft! the Engineering building. BRIAN WHIPPO On February 7, the fi rst Internet Fun-Killer outage occurred when a squirrel Kool Kids Kare, Cup- that had run into the Public cakes, Debt, and a In response to multiple brief Policy building bit into the power former editor might power interruptions earlier in the cable of the 866MHz computer be dead in China. semester, the Offi ce of Information there, causing a short circuit and Technology (OIT) announced tripping the breaker for the room. Friday that it will be enacting The momentary power disruption Zealots 08 a campus-wide ban World of brought all campus network Warcraft (WoW). OIT is also services to a halt. The squirrel was exploring other options to prevent electrocuted and died instantly. future power outages, but will After replacing the damaged enforce the ban starting Monday, power cable, OIT assumed that the April 9. incident was a fl uke. Two weeks According to Director of later, though, a second squirrel Infrastructure and Support Michael darted into the Engineering We’ll soon take over Carlin, the outages were part of building, chased frantically by the world. an elaborate domino effect set off OIT staff. Within seconds it by tremendous bandwidth usage chomped down on the power in the residence halls and campus cable of the 1000MHz computer apartments. The end effect of these stationed there and a similar power outages was hours of downtime for disruption occurred. Fluff 18 myUMBC, Blackboard, UMBC Biology Department Chair email, and PeopleSoft, among other Lasse Lindahl was speechless when network services. All are served by confronted with the idea that heavy two Pentium III-based Compaq internet traffi c had caused erratic computers, one in the Public behavior in UMBC’s squirrel Policy building and the other in see WARCRAFT, page 3

Here’s a picture of Indiana Jones. What

do you want from us? Elfgurl [24 Night Elf hunter] Get outta here! Disconnected: A full ban on World of Warcraft will take effect next week because the game caused erratic squirrel behavior and power outages. Sports 31 Satellite Lot Mania! chosen for its larger space approximately $120,000 and distance from residential each year to put on KATE NUNLEY housing. In the past, local Quadmania. They expect First Lady of Fluff residents in Catonsville and to raise nearly $60,000 Arbutus have complained from various vendors and The Student Events about the noise from the ticket sales. The rest of the RETRIEVER Board (SEB) has confi rmed Asphalt-Mania festivities. money comes from the Boxing Royale and that Quadmania will in The Satellite Lot has Student Activity Fee that Rules don’t apply to vs. fact be held on the Satellite been the bane of residential everyone pays along with winners. Lot, instead of Lot #17 freshmen students for the their tuition. as previously reported. past fi ve years. Freshman Last year, the primary Buses will be provided to students are required to vendor was Rockstar Energy shuttle students to the lot. park in the Satellite Lot on Drink. SEB informed The Additional parking will be Monday through Fridays Retriever that for Arbutus- available on South Campus from 9 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Mania 2007, free Redbull for students who choose Students have complained and Easy Mac will be NINJA to drive themselves. This repeatedly of unreliable distributed throughout the will not affect the price of transportation to and from day. vs. ticketing, which will remain the lot. In the days leading Students should Newsroom ...... 410.455.1260 $10. up to Quadmania, freshmen exercise caution, as there Advertising ...... 410.455.1261 In fact, Lot #17 is will be required to remove will be random checkpoints Editor in Chief ...... 410.455.1262 baltimoresun.com [we stole this] actually the meeting place their cars from the lot back throughout the campus, Business Fax ...... 410.455.1265 Ninjas: A better mascot than this On the Web ...... trw.umbc.edu damned dog. for students to take buses to to the main campus so that where police will be issuing Satellite-Lot-Mania. Buses vendors and rides can be set Breathalyzer tests to any ETRIEVER see STORY, page 2 or 3 or 5 or will run on April 20, 21 and up. see STORY, page 19. RTHE WEEKLY PIRATE something... 22. The Satellite Lot was SEB spends 2 News December 25, 2087 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Foreign Desk News Briefs: Lost in China!! Don’t let it happen to you... Carrie actually a “Man” Ian Lodgson, former hieroglyphs here too. One of them illustrates a monkey shooting tiny Opinion Editor for the Retriever darts at a human fi gure. Another shows a monkey ripping the arm off Weekly, departed for a study a human, smashing the skull of the human with it, and then using the University Health Services abroad program in China this fi ngers to scratch its back. Horrifying. released the results of the semester with the promise of a I now understand why there are no humans here. I have become UMBC SGA President’s foreign desk article each week. stranded in some sort of forbidden killer-monkey zone. And they know required annual physical last But save for one drunken phone I am here. I must prepare for the coming battle. week. According to the report, call, each week’s production SGA President Carrie Mann came and went with nary a was in top physical condition. word heard from Ian. DAY 4: I have spent the morning fashioning a spear from There was nothing unusual until That was three months a bamboo sapling outside the cave. My pockets are full of rocks, ready to one read into the footnotes of ago. We feared the worst had be thrown from a sling I crafted out of my blood-soaked, tattered shirt. I the report on page 15, wherein happened – Ian had been covered my body in mud down by the river to mask my scent. it stated that Mann was found arrested by the authorities and I plan to draw the monkeys to the wreckage of the crashed plane. I to have a Y chromosome. One was now locked in the darkest have created a champagne-soaked fuse by tying together strips of plane Senator stated that Mann has recesses of a Chinese gulag, Toby McQuire [Spiderman] seat cloth, leading to the remaining jet fuel tank. I will kill as many been “acting tougher” during receiving horrible torture and Also Lost: Jimmy the stock boy. monkeys as I can, and then I will fall back and detonate the fuel. My cave meetings, and according to interrogation by the communist will serve as “the Alamo,” the last defense. unconfirmed rumors, has government. I do not believe I will survive the coming onslaught. I do not know been angrily cornering and The newspaper’s senior staff held an emergency meeting. Using what if these writings will make it back to UMBC, but if there is even a remote challenging a lot of her male little money the SGA had allocated us for travel, we decided that there was chance that my misfortune could serve as a warning to future travelers, counterparts to arm wrestling room in the budget for one man to go to China... just one. After a strenuous then my death will not be in vain. contests. The President could vote, we decided that that man was Jimmy, the stock-boy. He ate rarely, was I can hear the monkeys coming. The sound of their hollering is not be reached for a reaction swift and limber, like a cheetah, and watched copious amounts of hentai. deafening. There must be thousands. I must go to face my destiny. to this report. He was the ideal person to handle the savageries of that mysterious land. Now, we fear Jimmy may have suffered the same fate as Ian. We heard nothing from the brave stock-boy until a few days ago. A package was LATER: This may be my last chance to write... I’ve fallen delivered to us containing a blurry photograph and a series of schizophrenic back to the Alamo... detonated the fuel... I’ve killed... at least 400 ramblings written on yellowed, water-damaged notebook paper. The last monkeys... but they keep coming... I’ve been impaled through the gut Steroid probe reaches few entries appear to be written in blood. We have printed them here for with a spear... shot with numerous poison darts... oooh... going dark... the public benefi t. must... keep writing... chess team I can feel... the poison... coursing through my veins... oooh... tell Mark Croatti I love him... According to recent DAY 1: I am writing this as a record because I don’t think national reports, at least one I’m going to make it out of here. My fate appears to be more sealed as-of-yet unnamed member with each passing hour. If I die out here, someone needs to know what DAY 5: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH WE ARE of the UMBC chess team will happened. soon be indicted on charges of My plane broke apart after suffering explosive decompression over THE MONKEYS. WE HAVE ALREADY KILLED ONE OF YOU. possession and use of human the Chinese wilderness. I fell to the ground, strapped into a seat in the growth hormone. According tail section, landing roughly in a forested riverbed. I believe I am the only THE BUDDHIST TEACHINGS HAVE ENDOWED US WITH to reports, this member of the survivor. team has been known to break After making a sling for my broken arm out of a fl ight attendant’s SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE. WE WILL MAIL YOUR PUNY the chess board over his head vest, I have begun to ascertain my situation. The plane appears to have immediately after his opponent crashed within an isolated, forested valley. A river snakes through the FRIEND’S SCRIBBLES TO YOU. WE DO NOT KNOW THE performs the rare “castle” tactic jungle for miles in either direction. There is no sign of civilization. The in head-to-head contests. The hills surrounding the valley are too steep to climb in my condition. My CORRECT POSTAGE. DO NOT COME HERE OR WE WILL same reports state that this fi rst objective will be to fi nd food and shelter. I will write more later. player gained nearly 58 pounds EAT YOUR HEARTS! of muscle in four months in the off season. DAY 2: There is a thunderstorm approaching. I located Although this person has a nearby cave and moved my supply of airline peanuts and cheap been urged by coaches to not champagne inside. It will serve as adequate protection from the coming step forward, it is rumored that storm. But what I found in there...disturbs me...to say the least. he or she refuses to practice on Drawn on the wall in a red powdery substance are what appear anything less than the giant to be a series of ancient hieroglyphs. They depict several small monkey- chess pieces that the UMBC like creatures attacking a fl eeing human with rocks and spears. Another SGA wasted nearly $7,500 on drawing depicts more of the monkeys dancing around a fi re, holding last year for the school’s 40th what look like severed human heads. anniversary. Confusingly, after A deep horn blast resounds from outside the cave, echoing through reading the above news brief the valley. Breaking my gaze from the hieroglyphs, I run outside. All and believing the rumors, sounds of nature seem to have tapered off. I can’t hear any birds or insects the chess champion, who still chirping. There is a very ominous feeling in the air. I’m not sure what to refuses to be named, has sent make of this. It is getting colder. I will have to continue writing later. an open challenge to Carrie Mann for an arm wrestling contest. Stealing a line from DAY 3: The storm is raging outside. I am safe from the professional wrestler Ric Flair rain, but I feel a distinct unease, as if exposed to thousands of unseen and playing on words, the eyes. intelligent gamer stated in the I made some discoveries in the cave. Using a champagne-soaked challenge that “In order to be piece of rag as a torch, I walked into the dark interior of the cave and Aeeeeh! [Killer Monkey] Close-up: A Polaroid discovered with Jimmy’s journal. the man, you’ve got to beat the found a series of stone altars. I am no expert on ancient culture, but I Mann.” can only assume they are used for sacrifi cial purposes. There are more THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY December 25, 2087 News 3

Freebo Calrissian journeys to the depths of China to save Jimmy the Next Week: stock boy. Residential Life allows bans allows He faces mutant bans hookahs monkeys with only his Imperial blaster and his All designated rockin’ fro. smoking areas moved to South OMG, we might have to return to RL!! T_T Campus

from WARCRAFT, page 1 release in late 2004. “This level of use is Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) made unprecedented,” explained Carlin. “We could only this comment when contacted about the population. “I’ve heard of isolated cases not predict these consequences given what incidents: “We are disappointed to learn that where animals have been affected in bizarre we currently know about Ethernet cables and the negative externalities of widespread World ways by the magnetic,” he commented. “I animal behavior. The only apparent solution of Warcraft addiction have grown to include SGA creates guess I can see how the high bandwidth use is to ban World of Warcraft and reduce the the infl iction of pain and suffering on our could cause a strong enough fi eld to emanate strain on our underground lines.” innocent furry friends.” from underground wires and freak out the Students on campus have already begun OIT will effectively ban World of “Friends Don’t squirrels.” to speak out on the topic. Tammy Newcomer, Warcraft by disallowing students access to According to statistics compiled by Mark President of Students for Environment certain ports from UMBC’s network. Because Cather, who is responsible for managing Awareness, was appalled to hear of the link WoW relies on a small range of such ports to Let Friends Eat UMBC’s campus network, over 90% of the between WoW playing and squirrel antics. communicate with servers and other players, bandwidth consumed by students can be “I’m shocked that this has happened, but I’m students at UMBC will be unable to connect traced to WoW usage. In recent months, mostly sad that widespread addiction to World or play until the ports are reopened. Sodexho” club that number shot up from only 15% of total of Warcraft is hurting our environment.” bandwidth, where it had hovered since WoW’s The animal rights group People for the Retrievers, Pirates, and Ninjas, OH MY! yet announced – will be representatives of their should follow in the footsteps of the U.S. UHS to offer Plan AMMAD KHAN respective groups. President. Talking would take too long, and we Retriever Weekly Staff Writer The protests have annoyed many staff feel few people would actually be interested to members, as hundreds of students called the stay around if there’s no excitement in it. Take C: Punch in the On the Friday of Quadmania this month, wrong departments to complain. “It’s the Iraq for example: Talking would have just gotten a battle royale will be held for the next mascot Bursar’s Offi ce,” said staff member Tom Cruuze, it on C-SPAN, while actions have made it come of UMBC. The hour-long match, at free hour “not the Bitching Offi ce.” on every news channel for three years.” babymaker in the quad, will take place between three men The wrestling match has affected Students have had diverse opinions on the in costumes – the classical Retriever, a pirate, Quadmania’s location. “Well, this event is the issue. One student, English major Sanjaya May- and a ninja. reason Quadmania will be held in a lecture luke, said, “Bring on the excitement,” while The event came into being after recent hall,” said Oprah Winfree, secretary to President Math major Katie Homies said, “Like oh my weeks of protests - via phone and email to the Habrowski. Asked why the match couldn’t God, this isn’t like the way to, you know, decide administration - calling for a change of the be another time, Winfree said Habrowski issues. Why can’t all three mascots work together, UMBC ranked current mascot, the Retriever. “I do so much didn’t want too many exciting days of events kind of like Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq?” When work for these freaking punks,” said Billy on campus, as it would distract students from told the analogy didn’t make sense, Homies told Schmoe, the current wearer of the Retriever studying. “This is,” she said, raising one fi nger the reporter his “mom didn’t make sense.” #1 gaming school uniform. “I mean I go to so many games, and in the air, “UMBC, after all.” Facebook groups haven’t commented on I have to dance like an idiot and watch those The event was approved by a committee the upcoming event, and have instead sent the stupid cheerleaders. God, they suck.” chosen by the administration. “We feel that if Retriever phone messages with just knuckle by PC Gamer Facebook groups said a change in the many students wish to have a change in their cracking sounds. mascot would raise morale and school spirit. mascot, and if that will raise morale, then we To learn more about the groups behind “And, well, dogs suck,” said Steve Col-bear, must bend to the wishes of the people,” said the match, sign onto Facebook and search for magazine supporter of the “Change the mascots to Ninjas” member Lui Kang. Said member Soniya: “We either Change the UMBC Mascot to “Ninjas!” group on Facebook. have already sent out contracts dealing with or Change the UMBC Mascot to “Pirates!” The match will be held in a constructed injury liability issues to the respective groups.” ring, and refereed by Dr. Art Johnson, UMBC’s When asked why they chose a wrestling match Ammad Khan always gets “randomly selected” Provost. Pinning and a three strike count will instead of a normal meeting, member Johnny for extra screening at ariport security checkpoints. mean an out. The students chosen to fi ght – not Cage waved off the remark. “We feel that we Ask him why at [email protected]. ... And now a whole line of space to fi ll :( 4 News December 25, 2087 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY

Police Log (Sh*t Happens)

March 26, 2007 March 30, 2007 Offbeat News Terrace Apartments Retriever Activities Center Refusing Medical Treatment Susquehanna Hall The following news is real because reality is much funnier than anything we Theft An ill student was observed sitting on the Act of Intolerance could ever make up. Some moron put his cell phone, keys, sidewalk outside the Gunpowder apartment. A UMBC student reported that and wallet full of beer money in a locker, The student refused medical treatment. The unknown person(s) wrote some mean Thief steals 93 pounds of but neglected to lock it. All three items were responding offi cer grabbed his night stick and things on the dry-erase board hanging on gone when he returned to the locker. Who’d smacked the student in the head, resulting in her door. She called an RA, forcing them to bras and panties have guessed? a spray of blood. The offi cer then kicked the write an information report, and then called student in the chest and punched him in the the police, wasting the time and money to PULLMAN, Wash. (AP) – A man was charged with theft and burglary balls. The student then requested medical send an offi cer, write and fi le a report, and after police said they found 93 pounds The Loop treatment. conduct a pointless investigation, instead of of women’s panties, brassieres and other just...erasing the board. underwear at his home. Suspicious Behavior Investigators believe Garth M. An offi cer pulled over a group of teens Flaherty, 24, took as many as 1,500 for littering, and... littering, and... littering, March 29, 2007 undergarments from apartment complex and... littering, and... littering, and... March 31, 2007 laundry rooms before he was caught, smoking the reefer. police Cmdr. Chris Tennant said. Commons A man was seen taking underwear Harbor Hall Injured Student from two laundry rooms Saturday, a Injured student witness recorded his license number, A UMBC student was transported to and Flaherty was identifi ed from March 27, 2007 the hospital because she was complaining Police and an ambulance responded to photographs, Tennant said. of severe stomach pain. The student a call that a UMBC student was having a Police found enough underwear commented to paramedics on the scene that seizure after playing World of Warcraft for in his bedroom to fi ll fi ve garbage bags, Erickson Hall she was pursuing her goal of using all of her 68 consecutive hours without interruption. Tennant said. 19 meal plan meals for the entire semester. His roommate has pressed harassment “He said he had a problem,” Alcohol Violation Simple math reveals that she would have charges for months of sleep deprivation Tennant said. A student stumbled past the front desk eaten 152 Sodexho-prepared meals so far caused by his life-consuming World of Flaherty has been jailed on 12 when a Residential Life employee stopped this semester, which exceeds the Surgeon Warcraft addiction. counts of second-degree burglary and him and discovered that he was hammered General’s recommended Sodexho intake by one of fi rst-degree theft. out of his mind. The student has received a 52 meals. All students are advised to limit Police had previously received Judicial Referral for thinking he could get to their Sodexho food intake to no more than 12 reports of underwear thefts in the soda machine in the lobby so he could 100 meals per semester. Tangier Apartments the northeast part of town, where make one last rum and coke without that Telephone Misuse Washington State University is located. annoying desk staffer noticing that he was “We were kind of concerned about totally piss drunk. Desk staff: 1. People who A UMBC student reported that her how to match up bras and panties with are dumb enough to get caught drinking in former boyfriend repeatedly sent her text victims,” Tennant said. “Based on the the dorms: 0. messages after being asked to stop. He has unique descriptions from a couple of been charged with needing to get over her. women, we can tie him to those thefts.” The underwear will be held as evidence until the case is resolved, after which, their disposition is uncertain, Tennant said. “Would you really want them Heavy fi nes to be levied back?” he asked. “I would say not.” for improperly recycling Mexico cracks down on Blame Her: ending April 7, UMBC An emergency meeting included below. UMBC police department porn fi lms in taxis ELIZABETH is running out of time to was called by President Late Wednesday would have the trash cans TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico SILBERHOLZ beat the 200 contending Hrabowski last Wednesday. evening, The Retriever and recycling bins under (AP) – Three taxi drivers were arrested Retriever Weekly Tree Hugger universities. Donna “Basically, he made it very Weekly received an surveillance 24 hours a day. on charges of showing pornographic Anderson, the university’s clear that we have to win anonymous tip that campus “Basically, we have a team DVDs in their cabs in the southern In a desperate recycling coordinator, this competition no matter police were wiring security of highly-trained offi cers Mexican city of Tapachula. attempt to gain national stated in a press release what,” Anderson said. cameras in the Commons watching the monitors. The men were arrested Friday after recognition by winning Friday, “We’re deeply “Failure is apparently not above every recycling bin Whenever someone violates receiving a complaint from a woman the 2007 RecycleMania concerned that UMBC an option.” and trash can. Acting the university’s now-strict who said she was traveling in a taxi with competition, UMBC still does not hold a Beginning Monday, police chief Manual Lewis recycling policies, they will her 6-year-old son when the driver put administrators have top-5 position in this April 2, UMBC police confi rmed the tip. “We’re be identifi ed by photo- on a pornographic fi lm, Tapachula police approved a plan to stiffl y competition. In a last- will begin to fi ne students taking orders directly from matching software.” spokesman Gerardo Ramirez said. fi ne anyone on campus minute burst, we hope who violate the university’s President Hrabowski. He When asked to “I asked the taxi to remove the fi lm who fails to recycle or who to take two-time winner newly-enacted recycling said to spare no expense in explain the software, Lewis and he ignored me. It really bothered recycles incorrectly. Cal State San Marcos by policy. A complete list of this operation.” said, “It’s amazing what me. I asked to get out and went to fi le a With the competition surprise.” offenses and related fi nes is Lewis stated that the they’ve got these days. The complaint,” Edelma Gonzales said. Ramirez said police were debating whether to fi ne the drivers for moral turpitude or pass the suspects on to state investigators with charges of child sexual Continued there molestation. We do it Pirated DVDs of pornographic fi lms are sold on the streets across for the lolz Mexico and are particularly prevalent in Tapachula, a rough border town across from Guatemala. THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY December 25, 2087 News 5 BSU outraged at approval of new student organization “How can that slide past our SGA Representatives?” one be held at 1 a.m. on Sunday April 15 when the Commons will YIM TONGUE angry student asked. “Do SGA members not know how to read?” be closed to the public. When we tried to contact the SGA about Dangerously Overworked Grad Student Although there were no witnesses outside of the governing body the timing of the meeting, they stated that it is extraordinarily who witnessed the approval of the club, it has been confi rmed, diffi cult to schedule to have all of their leaders in one place at This week the Black Student Union joined a coalition of through tenuous research, that the average SGA leader can only one time, and this was their best option to do so. They also went nearly 238 student organizations, including, but not limited to, read at a third grade level. on to say that they hoped that there would be a good turnout Hillel and the UMBC College Democrats, which have spoken Further investigations of the newly-founded organization’s by the concerned campus community and that it is their full out against the SGA’s latest club approvals. At last week’s meeting, bylaws reveal their ‘07-’08 fi scal year budget. According to intention to hear the concerns of the people on this matter. They the Student Government Association overwhelmingly initiated documents obtained by the Retriever, Kool Kids Kare have also informed us that all of their email server and telephones a club known as “Kool Kids Kare” into student life activity. On appropriated a majority of their SGA-granted $145,000 in funds have been shut down for scheduled maintenance and will not its face, the club may seem innocent to some, but after a deeper to equal numbers of 4 x 8 and 2 x 4 boards, as well as lighter return to service for at least the next eight weeks. look into their charter and bylaws, one discovers more than a fl uid, matches, and designer horns that play “Dixie” and white As far as Kool Kids Kare goes, their bi-weekly meeting few questionable characteristics. sheets. “They’ve budgeted for everything except for scissors to has been scheduled at a location onlyw described as “Jim-Bob’s Section One of the charter states that membership is open cut the eye holes. I’m shocked that this type of organization Trailer: Not the fancy double-wide in the park, the one in the to “anyone who cares about their community,” which makes the would be approved by anyone in this day and age, let alone the woods.” No one from The Retriever Weekly staff wanted to speak club appear to be open to everyone. Unfortunately, there is a UMBC SGA,” stated one BSU member. with the organization to clarify what this meant or be caught footnote on this sentence, which, when followed to the bottom The campus outrage at the SGA’s actions will culminate dead at the meeting, so we have no further details as to what or of the page, reveals that “‘Caring Individuals’ are deemed only to next week at the public hearing to be held at the Commons. This where it is. be white males of Christian descent.” meeting, which has been scheduled at a questionable time, will See the gigantic arrow? program scans the culprit’s face in the camera’s department and offi ce has been provided with will go directly into purchasing and installing program if improper recycling rates remain at digital capture and then searches for matches the proper containers to use for recycling. the security cameras. The cameras will provide a current levels. “I would be surprised if more with a similar digital signal in the UMBC red Anshuman Jangi, The Retriever Weekly’s business better work environment for our housekeeping universities don’t follow in UMBC’s footsteps. card system as well as on social networking manager, bemoaned the fact that the offi ce has and ground crews, since they will no longer This is a truly brilliant way to not only do our sites such as Facebook. Finding the name is the not been equipped with newspaper and offi ce have to spend valuable time fi shing recyclables part to save the environment, but to also make diffi cult part. Once we have that, it’s ticket- paper recycling bins. He was seen running down out of trashcans and trash out of the recycling some green!” writing time!” the halls of the University Center screaming, bins,” she said. While UMBC’s environmental student In an e-mail follow-up conversation, Lewis “We’re doomed! Now we’ll never end the Hrabowski had other plans for the ticket organizations have embraced the plan, many wrote, “We’re ready for business on Monday. year with a surplus.” Later, Jangi explained, revenue. “What we need to do here is to think students have already begun to protest the We just received the bulk shipment of ticket “The entire program will be a bust if every outside the box. The university can easily recycling fi nes. One picketer in front of the pads I placed earlier in the week.” department and offi ce hasn’t been supplied overtake Cal State San Marcos’ recycling rate Commons shook a bag full of plastic bottles Many students are not aware that the with the materials necessary to properly recycle by purchasing material set to be recycled in and screamed, “Big Brother’s watching!” A recycling fi nes will actually be enforced. For as much of their waste as possible. I’m not the Baltimore area, transferring it to campus, few minutes later, after dumping the bottles example, freshman Sylvia Yu giggled when carrying all this paper waste from the UC to and then shipping it out again. Within a few in a trash can outside the Academic Services she noticed a Commons employee hanging a the Commons. I’m going to burn it out by the recycling truckloads, I think we should be on building, she was seen grumbling and holding “Smile, you’re on candid camera” sign in the loading dock this weekend like usual, if the rain track to the winner’s circle.” Chuckling, he a scrunched yellow slip of paper. Commons Friday afternoon. “What? Are they holds off.” added, “Naturally, we could always save the seriously going to implement those recycling Anderson refused to comment about the money and I could just force all faculty and Elizabeth Silberholz is The Retriever rules? I don’t believe it for a second. I mean, potential diffi culties associated with a shortage staff members to bring their recycling from Weekly’s Editor-in-Chief. While she isn’t saving look at what success they’ve had enforcing the of recycling bins on campus. Instead, she home to campus. That might cover us too.” the pandas or swimming with the dolphins, she’s no smoking policy!” sounded confi dent that the fi nes would do Senior economics major Josh Rosenbloom contemplating how many trees had to die to make One potential problem with the policy’s wonders for the school’s recycling program. predicted that the university would generate her chemistry textbook. Send your estimates to implementation is that not every academic “The extra revenue generated from the tickets $1.74 million annually from the ticketing [email protected]. MAKE INTO A TABLE PLEASE! :) Recycling fi nes to be levied beginning Monday, April 2 Save Placing non-recyclable materials in a recycling bin: $70 “ Placing recyclable materials in a trash can: $100 something Placing offi ce paper in newspaper recycling bin: $60 green, make Placing paper products in cardboard recycling bin: $40 some green. Placing aluminum cans and plastic bottle recycling bin: $40 ” Placing plastic bottles in aluminum can recycling bin: $40

FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS EAT SODEXHO 6 News December 25, 2087 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Cupcakes and squeegees combat budget defi cit fi ve department members baked 1000 cupcakes, “It’s actually quite JENNI 700 chocolate chip cookies, 300 brownie squares, fun. I love feeling the Yellow Journalist and 30 pies of various fl avors. sun on my back and They sold almost 80 percent of their the wind in my face. After sending out a school-wide email, which inventory, earning a total of $920. “I’m so proud I’m a big car enthusiast. announced that a tuition shortfall would cause a of the sale. We made almost a thousand dollars. So, working with such major 2007 fi scal year budget crunch, the UMBC We’ve defi nitely made a dent in that two million a wide array of great administration worked overtime, thinking of ways dollar defi cit . . . fo sho’!” exclaimed BIO100 lab automobiles is a treat. to bridge the fi nancial gap created by the shortfall. instructor Donna Jacoby. The other day, I got to The announcement stated that all departments Every academic department has committed soap up a classic 1957 would experience a one-time 2 percent budget to hold at least one bake sale within this or the Ford Fairlane. That was cut and a non-major hiring freeze. Though these upcoming summer semester. The next one will be pretty friggin’ awesome. temporary measures will alleviate some of the sponsored by the Computer Science department I also really like to use current budget woes, many administrators and and is scheduled for Tues., April 3, on the Quad. the squeegee. It’s pretty faculty members do not feel satisfi ed with this plan “I’m very excited. It’s a very rare opportunity cool,” said President of action. for me to combine my two passions: Computer Freeman Hrabowski. UMBC’s administration has chosen to Science and baking. I already have a menu planned Though the take some brow-raising measures to improve the out. I’m going to bake cookies which adhere to a UMBC fundraising university’s dismal fi nancial situation. The Hustler binary code theme; each one will be in the shape body has put forth Entertainment deal may be able to erase the school’s of either a 1 or a 0. I might arrange them to spell valiant efforts to raise budget defi cit. However, strong opposition to the out a special message. I’m even thinking of drawing these hard earned “indecent” partnership and doubts cast on the algorithms on frosted cupcakes with a cake- funds, it is not without notorious organization’s ability to make good on its decorating tip,” declared Tim Blume, an Assistant detractors. Corey part of the bargain led administrators to consider Professor of Computer Science and Electrical Miller ’07 stated, “I’m additional fundraising opportunities, in case the Engineering. a UMBC student, so I deal doesn’t pan out. While faculty members bake for funds, the defi nitely feel for them After an emergency meeting, consisting of administration will organize and conduct car washes [the administration]. faculty members and Vice Presidents, the attendees in the greater Baltimore-Washington area. Three But, sitting in my car voted to pursue additional avenues to raise funds have already been held during the past month. Two while the VPs and None of us dare take credit for this. [Retriever Staff] for UMBC. had respectable profi ts; one was a complete fl op Pres washed my car Freebo in a Speedo: Hrabowski reveals a fi rm fi fty-something bod. These avenues include massive bake sales and – mostly due to an unexpected rain storm. in speedos, bikinis, high-profi le car washes. The car washes yielded 500 dollars in revenue. and fl ip-fl ops was pretty f-ing weird. I mean, can’t should just stick with the porn deal.” So far, one enormous bake sale has been This amount, combined with the bake-sale they at least get some hot cheerleaders to help out? successfully conducted by the Biology Department. profi ts, have whittled the defi cit down to a mere They would make a lot more money and reduce Jenni likes warm, rainy days; long walks on the It was held in Lot 17 on Sunday, March 18. Twenty- $1,998,580 million. the creepiness factor about ten-fold. Maybe they beach; and purple. Which male administrator looked the best at last week’s car wash? Freeman Hrabowski.

Pie Chart: Statistics obtained from an online poll held on The Retriever Weekly’s website. Check out next week’s poll online at trw.umbc.edu. Freebo. UMBC partners with Hustler magazine to reduce debt beverages on campus. They will also be charged the performers, he stated, “I fi gure we can skip YIM TONGUE $25 for every remaining trash bag that is not over all of that sex education junk that regular Dangerously Overworked Grad Student removed at the end of their stay as well as $40 R.A.s try to push on the student body. I think for not vacuuming properly. Hustler and their stars were educated enough UMBC administrators announced Friday In order to enforce these rules and after the whole HIV scare a couple of years that they will be taking drastic steps to help regulations, UMBC has extended contracts to a back. eliminate the campus’ $2 million dollar budget few of its current employees that have experience “I’m looking to have more fun types of defi cit that has accrued over the past fi scal year. with and knowledge of both Residential Life programs, like board game nights.” Ironically, the According to the press release from the tenth and the pornography industry. board games Young excitedly went on to speak fl oor of the administration building, UMBC about in his 17 minute monologue included old has reached an agreement with Hustler Home “In order to be the man, favorites such as ‘Candyland’ and ‘Chutes and Entertainment in order to make up for the Ladders’, which were also titles of feature fi lms recent budget woes. you’ve got to beat the by Hustler Entertainment. For their efforts, Fey The two-year, 109 fi lm, $1.75 million Mann.” and Young will not be compensated, but will be dollar agreement allows Hustler to fi lm its college listed in the credits of each of the 109 fi lms to be series of videos throughout UMBC’s unused shot under their watch here at the University. dorms during both the winter and summer Dr. Charles Fey has generously volunteered The press release went on to state that the semesters. Interestingly, in year two of the deal, his excess time to become the acting director contract only makes up for $1.75 million of the they are also allowed to fi lm within Patapsco of Residential Life throughout the two year $2 million dollar defi cit. However, it is expected and Potomac Halls during both Thanksgiving contract term. He has employed Tim Young, a that there will be fi nes totaling $300 thousand and Spring Breaks. current graduate student, as acting community for minor campus infractions such as violation A representative from Hustler stated that director in order to help provide creative social of the rarely enforced policy against buggery. they were excited to ink the deal. “We [Hustler] programming and enforce the strict ResLife The press release ended with the following have been looking to fi nd a real University policies. statement from the administration: “We look setting so that we can fi lm more authentic Although no direct quote was available forward to welcoming our new guests into the ‘Young College Girls’ type videos. And seeing from Dr. Fey, a representative from his offi ce UMBC family. A family, that over the past 40 as it’s extraordinarily rare for any of our girls to stated that “[Dr. Fey] believes that this program years, has learned to welcome diversity and actually attend a college, this is the best deal we is important for the well being of the campus love one another, not only through individual can get.” and it is [Dr. Fey’s] hope that he can provide activities, but also through interracial, group, According to the deal, Hustler’s contracted a welcoming, safe, and comfortable atmosphere group interracial, and all female activities as performers will have to enter into standard for the nationally renowned stars.” well.” residential life agreements for the term of Young was also excited about taking on It is important for our readers to note that their stay. This means that stars under the age the role as community director under this new during the periods when there will be fi lming, of 21 will not be permitted to bring alcoholic contract. Speaking on programming options for University Health Services will be closed. THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY December 25, 2087 News 7 8 April zoo, 1200 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY INSIDE

Edible Squirrels00 Hatin’00 Zealots Do you care???00 Staff Editorial: UMBC crime rate too low Women at UMBC must be disbanded!

This is a call to all the men on campus. Are you tired of having women in your classes? Isn’t college only for guys? Einstein was male, so was Newton and Jonas Salk. Women clearly aren’t capable of anything in this realm. Likewise, politics shouldn’t be decided by girls; only men are capable of changing the world. The giant phallic monument in the middle of D.C. attests to this. Hillary Rodham Clinton? Try again. Why, then, are there women in my political science classes? I like women and all, but they are infecting this campus. Once a scholarly and somber school, UMBC just got rated as one of the most women-friendly schools in the nation. This disgusts me. Women certainly aren’t scholarly and we don’t want more girls leeching off our brain power. Our testosterone is king, so get rid of the lesser sex and let the men prevail. I don’t need my competence challenged by someone whose brain is less developed. Now, before I’m Helen Zhang [Retriever Staff] dismissed as a misogynist, I do believe that the campus should offer some homemaker friendly classes. This way, women will have a choice: cooking AARON LUDENSKY feel like an actual college campus? switchblade, baseball bat, or service or cleaning? Retriever Weekly Tactless Editor Do we need increased funding for revolver. I should not be able to student activities? Do we organize leisurely take a stroll in the dead of In recent times, the world has a schoolwide event where we blaze night, searching for my next kick, been getting more and more violent. ourselves into oblivion? No. The without fearing for my life. I want to Suicide bombers, the simple fertilizer answer is simple: we must increase worry about those footsteps behind THE RETRIEVER bomber, and basic muggers, rapists the rate of violent crimes. College me that are oddly quiet but steadily and garden variety cannibals make the Park just got rated in the City Paper increasing in speed. What about WEEKLY world a dangerous, dangerous place as having the highest rate of violent that ominous shadow beneath the Czarina ...... Elizabeth Silberholz to live. Here at UMBC, however, crime of any college campus in the stairwell? Is it a drug dealer, hooker, Cult Member ...... Dave Iden we are sheltered from this hostility U.S. Berkley, Dartmouth, UMass or junkie? No. It’s just someone Former Pizza Provider ...... Anshuman Jangi in our protected little cove between and UCLA are up there too. Students taking a break from World of Advertising Manager ...... Fired! the hippies of Catonsville and the love these schools and party like Warcraft. That unpleasant smell isn’t Internet Fun-Killer ...... Brian Whippo Klansmen of Arbutus. Despite the there’s no tomorrow. Perhaps this a homeless person in July; it’s just Yellow Journalist...... Jenni Choi apparent dichotomous area, “UMBC is because they realize that if they your roommate, who has neglected Lead Zealot ...... Aaron Ludensky is LAME!” is a common decree decide to walk home in a drunken to shower for a few days. Assistant to the Opinion Editor ...... Greg Dewey First Lady of Fluff ...... Kate Nunley amongst students at our humble stupor along the east part of campus Sure, people occasionally get Caption Writer ...... Jeremy Hentschel campus. In fact, I would bet this is bordering the projects with a gram of mugged, but it’s the equivalent of Alexander Pyles ...... That guy a near universal feeling with varying blow in their pocket, there very well getting bullied in elementary school. Assistant to That Guy ...... Ashley Benitez degrees of annoyance. could be no tomorrow. That’s in stark If you say no, kick him real hard in Photoshop Specialist ...... Mark Perdomo But how do we make UMBC contrast to here. I should not feel safe the shins and run away; you’ll be Almost Photoshop Specialist ...... Matt Eller less shameful, more entertaining, and walking around at 3 a.m. without a see CRIME, page 12. NIght Manager ...... Carly Wilkins Minute Detail Adjuster ...... Megan Brohawn Other Minute Detail Adjuster ...... Yinka Taiwo Go-Go Dancer ...... Helen Zhang Letters to the Editor Last Minute Detail Adjuster ...... Megan Zlock Copy Eiditor...... Tim Conway Copy Iditr...... Kate Henning The Retriever Weekly would prefer it if you didn’t write us letters. However it does take Copy Etitor...... Alex Herzberg up space so we don’t complain too much. Please send us your biased and idiotic rants at [email protected]. Or you Kopi E.;-tor...... Megan Hodson could just take a chill pill and mellow out. Server Always Down Manager ...... Matt Basch Repairer of Server ...... Greg Flumara To the editor: Internets Coordinator ...... Alice Carback I am writing in response to an article you ran about the SGA. Your coverage is biased and your facts are inaccurate. Computer Guy ...... Paul Swenson The SGA is the single most important organization on campus. We are, frankly, a big deal. Sometimes, I can get Telekinetic Master ...... Ray Moore Protection from Law suits ...... Christopher Corbett dates by just mentioning that I voted on campus-wide initiatives. If the Editors at The Retriever Weekly don’t start Grand Premier ...... Dr. Patty Perillo acknowledging that, we’ll vote to move your offi ces to the Library Pond. We would like you to portray us in a manner Original Gangster ...... Brandon Gilbertson that encourages students to bow to our every whim. I think you at the Retriever Weekly should shape up or we’ll unleash our power on you. Check us out online: trw.umbc.edu Thaddeus Weinburg Senior Doodle Here Political Science

To the Editor: I am disappointed with The Retriever Weekly’s coverage of the SGA. You are clearly in cahoots with the SGA in perpetrating theft and graft at an unprecedented scale. The electoral system is in shambles and the SGA has no oversight. Members are ruthless and vindictive towards organizations that don’t bow to them. It would not be a shame if every last one of the crooks were turned out of offi ce. I sincerely hope the Retriever endeavors to expose these frauds instead of pandering to the party line.

Samir Abenjan Junior Undecided THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April zoo, 1200 9 Zealots Making Flex dollars worth it

should be able to accept Flex dollars as a CHARLIE GRIGGS reasonable means of payment for their fantastic Retriever Weekly Resident Alcoholic liquid treasures. Thankfully, the school has fi nally come to a decision: the right decision. I think it’s safe to say that most students Being able to spend Flex-away dollars have felt unsatisfi ed upon leaving the dining and meals at local liquor stores will not only hall or the Spot. They often feel like their benefi t the liquor stores in question, but also meal plan or Flex dollars could have gone to UMBC since students are expected to begin use something better tasting, more fi lling and more their Spent-Too-Much-Money-on-a-Meal plan nutritious. dollars at a nearly incomprehensible rate. Finally, this problem has been remedied. In a sense, it’s almost as though the school No longer will students leave a meal feeling as is taking advantage of its students fi nancially by though they just downed a bucket fi lled with proposing an offer that would seem ludicrous grease and peculiar meat by-products. It’s not to pass up. Why on Earth would anyone want that the school has decided to get better food to spend their meals on a cheeseburger meal or for the dining hall, the Spot, or the Commons. “premium dining” chicken tenders when they Rather, there are several great new locations could just as well partake in a fulfi lling three where UMBC students’ meal plans and Flex course meal of Natural Light, Jagermeister, and Helen Zhang [Retriever Staff] dollars can now be accepted. Jack Daniels? But, could an offer so enticing their studying by going to the dining hall only I’m talking about the Arbutus liquor and benefi cial to the students of UMBC truly to come back in a worse mood, feeling bloated ample incentive to fi nish one’s schoolwork. stores. be taking advantage of them? No, no it could and greasy, and not prepared to continue And no longer will students dread going For years, UMBC has struggled with not. studying at all. A quick trip to one of Arbutus’s to the Commons where their ex-boyfriend or the decision of whether Arbutus liquor stores No longer will students take a break from fi ne liquor stores is all one needs to provide see FLEX, page 10.

Quotesfrom theQuad photos by The Internets What do you think about Quadmania being held in a parking lot this year?

Jordan Hadfi eld, Freeman Hrabowski, Dentistry & Facelifts Unknown “I thought I cut that.” “I spent a lot of money on the grass in the quad... Sup Anna!!!”

Anna Nicole Smith, Trim Spa baby... Could not be reached for comment. Eric Grollman, Clueless??? ? “Quad what?” ? ?

Provost Johnson, Prefi nance “See, parking lots are very expensive. 20,000 dollars worth a space.” 10 Zealots April zoo, 1200 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Squirrels may provide a New disease transmitted by nutritious alternative squirrels threatens UMBC

tough, but with the right tenderizers and Scientists have, with no success, been working AARON LUDENSKY proper preparation, this is easily combated. SAIRA KHAN for years to fi nd a cure. Retriever Weekly Malnourished Editor I recommend a blend of Italian seasonings Retriever Weekly Skeptical Writer In a recent case concerning a 21-year-old including oregano, basil and some cayenne female here at UMBC, doctors say the girl College campuses are notorious pepper. If you wish for more tender squirrel, The skies are beginning to clear up, has consumed so many nuts that they had to for unsatisfying food with questionable a mix of olive oil and vinegar in a one-gallon the sun is fi nally shining bright, and people perform emergency surgery to remove them. nutritional value. Students, including freezer bag over night will create a succulent are beginning to shed their many layers of She had been brought into the hospital due myself, often wonder why the pizza tastes taste unparalleled by anything else available clothing. However, we may not be able to to injuries she suffered after falling out of a like sheetrock and the meat may or may not on campus. enjoy spring to its fullest extent this year tree. People suffering from Sciurus-Morbus contain any animal products. The option to You might be wondering exactly how to because of the recent outbreak of Sciurus- suffer from extreme motion sickness and have cook your own food is available, provided catch these animals that seem to evade even Morbus. Latin for Squirrel-Sickness, this constant diarrhea. Due to its contagiousness, you find some way to access a grocery the most cunning predators. Admittedly, infection is transmitted via fl atulence and offi cials are contemplating a temporary store. Since this isn’t a realistic option for this isn’t an easy task, but is possible with sneezing. Known to have originated in the shutdown of UMBC. “We simply do not most students at UMBC who do not have the right know-how. A rodent trap, much Amazon, this infection is merciless and when have enough trees at this school for all of our vehicles, they are stuck eating a tasteless, like the ones used to catch unwanted mice in contracted, brings on a sort of dementia. students (if they get infected) to be climbing; nutrient-free substance that can be loosely the home, is a simple and effective method The fi rst symptoms begin to show about with such an epidemic, we don’t know what defined as food. for trapping these tricky critters. The proper 20 minutes after exposure to the virus; the could happen. What if the infected students They rip our pockets from the pants trap must be large enough to accommodate patient begins to slowly pull at their hair. It begin to fi ght and riot? I cannot allow my on which they reside and charge obscene the gargantuan proportions of our local starts off as a slight tug, but within an hour, honor students to suffer so greatly” stated amounts of money for something equivalent creatures. Therefore, I recommend ones the person may pull out huge chunks of their Freeman Hrabowski. Others, however, to that of McDonald’s substrate. Stalin that are suited for rats rather than field or hair. If not controlled by a sedative, they may disagree. “Our students are very resilient and would be pleased with the rigidity of when house mice. Some people have insisted that pull out all of their hair and then attempt to we cannot put off our work due to some crazy we can use our meals. I don’t understand why the most effective trap is poisoned, as well. pull out the nearest person’s hair. This lasts illness,” replies Provost Johnson. I am ineligible to use more than one meal While this may ensure a kill, it may also for nearly two hours, after which the patient A recent study conducted by Playboy in the allotted time span that is designated render the meat useless, making it seem like calms down again. However, the worst is yet proves that large amounts of alcohol could as lunch or dinner. It is completely absurd. a wise choice to stay away from poisons of to come. After three hours, the virus takes on serve as a vaccination. As of now, the jury Whether they admit to it or not, Sodexho any sort. its full effects. This means that the infected is still out on what the school offi cials will has a veritable monopoly on the food that I understand that my proposition does person believes that he/she is a squirrel. You decide, but this leaves us wondering whether we eat. At least Bill Gates admits to having not take into account vegetarians living on may have noticed some disoriented-looking or not they are really on our side? I say we close monopolized the PC industry. campus. Please understand that this is not due students trying to climb their way up trees or the school immediately! Why risk ourselves? Therefore, I propose that in order to to the fact that I consider you unimportant, scurrying across the grass. Believe it or not, In any case, my advice to you is this: stay supplement and eventually replace Sodexho, but in my quest to provide an alternative, they are all suffering from Sciurus-Morbus. So away from those smelly kids that pass gas in we resort to eating the furry, bushy-tailed renewable and available food source, I far, seven cases of this horrible mind-boggling the corner of the lecture hall. Chances are, squirrels that reside on campus. These simply considered the most nutritious thing infection have been reported and it seems to they have Sciurus-Morbus. creatures will provide nutrients and meat that available. If in the future, if I find a meatless be traveling fast. No one knows how it got is unrivaled by any Sodexho product. I have alternative available on campus, I will make to UMBC, but it spreads like wildfi re. All Saira Khan is infected by Sciurus-Morbus. personally experienced the pleasing texture sure that it is available to you. However, for someone has to do is emit some gas into the Don’t come into contact with her or she may bite and delicious taste of UMBC squirrel. It’s the remainder of students sick of and from air and once you inhale it, you are infected. you. quite different from regular squirrel and it Sodexho and desperate for something else, lends itself well to marinade. Stews are also anything else, I hope that this has helped a possibility for the seasoned chef. Many expand your palate, your stomachs, and your Something that will tell you that squirrel is gamey and wallet. might be illegal

from STORY, page 7

-girlfriend from across the hall could potentially be lurking to remind them of their heartbreak and misery. A quick trip to one of Arbutus’ fi ne liquor stores is all one needs to provide a joy otherwise unattainable in such a bleak time. And no longer will students spend their nights sitting around glumly waiting for a phone call from a friend off campus so they can head out and have some fun. A quick trip to one of Arbutus’s fi ne liquor stores is all one needs to bring the party to UMBC. All debauchery and poor decision making aside, the drawbacks to this monumental landmark in UMBC history are few and far between. Finally, local liquor stores are getting the academic acknowledgment that they deserve from the UMBC community. For years, these havens of amazingness have sat by, ignoring all offers of anything that didn’t represent some sort of monetary value in the “real world.” But now, at long last, UMBC students can walk in, grab two 40s of Steel Reserve, look the cashier in the eye, and say, “I’d like to use a meal for this.”

Charlie Griggs invites people to his routine liquor store runs. Help him drown his pain and send him Flex dollars at cgriggs1@umbc. edu. Buy our old computers!!!

(They probably won’t work for you either) Helen Zhang [Retriever Staff] THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April zoo, 1200 Zealots 11

Section 2: Logical Reasoning (Arguments TIM YOUNG, J.D. Part 1) Retriever Weekly Never Going to Be Lawyer 1. a 2. a I’m sure that all twelve of you who read 3. a 4. c my column on a regular basis have been 5. c 6. b intrigued by world events and have begun 7. b 8. d asking yourselves, “How can I become a 9. a 10. d politician?” Well, fi rst thing is fi rst, you’re 11. d 12. c going to need a graduate level education 13. c 14. c which for a politician generally means a law 15. a 16. a degree. I know personally that that is a tough 17. b 18. b hurdle to overcome, but that’s why I’m here 19. a 20. c 17. d 18. c Essay Section: to help you achieve your dreams. I know 21. a 22. a 19. c 20. d that most of our student populous doesn’t 23. b 21. a 22. b Generally the essay is a free writing come from privileged families that could 23. b 24. b section about helping children. I would easily buy their way in to law schools. That Section 3: Analytical Reasoning (Games) 25. c suggest you reference the episode of Mr. fact has left many of you thinking that you Rogers Neighborhood wherein he shows that are at a distinct disadvantage in the selection 1. b 2. b Section 5: Logical Reasoning (Arguments you can fl ush toilet paper in a toilet on an process. Oh friends, this is no longer the 3. b 4. d Part 2) airplane. That topic shows a knowledge of case. In order to even the odds, this week I 5. c 6. a modern issues as well as concern for the youth have dedicated my column to presenting you 7. a 8. d 1. c 2. b of today. with all of the answers to the upcoming LSAT 9. c 10. d 3. c 4. c test. So put your study guides away and start 11. d 12. d 5. d 6. a Hopefully using the simple information memorizing. 13. a 14. c 7. a 8. a I have given you above, you too can make it 15. b 16. b 9. d 10. b into the law school of your choosing. These Section 1: Reading Comprehension 17. a 18. c 11. c 12. a answers also surprisingly overlap with the 1. d 2. c 19. d 20. b 13. b 14. a MCAT, just with different section labels. 3. b 4. d 21. a 22. c 15. b 16. a 5. a 6. a 23. a 24. a 17. c 18. a Good Luck and remember, if Star Jones 7. a 8. b 19. c 20. d and Jerry Springer became practicing 9. e 10. d Section 4: Experimental 21. a 22. d lawyers, so can you! 11. c 12. b 23. c 24. c 13. b 14. a 1. b 2. b 25. a 15. c 16. a 3. b 4. a 17. b 18. b 5. b 6. c 19. c 20. c 7. d 8. a 21. d 22. d 9. a 10. d 23. a 24. d 11. c 12. a 25. c 26. b 13. d 14. b 27. d 15. c 16. c

CBMU sports a new Guide to Woolenese

LangAUge Yilom xiam gyead moyo alom hovxo ollki adom shaxim shalom yo xion the new language. The fi les revealed that the Hrabrowski said, “I will settle for nothing less sogead JENNIFER JONES new language will be based upon one word— than communism.... I mean community.” Retriever Weekly Vindictive Senior woolie. CBMU offi cials believe this language Then, he picked up his hammer and his sickle, Translation: will be impossible to crack because they have said something about farm work, tucked his red I love eating soggy bread at UHS. It Last week, CBMU put the fi nal touches been advertising the meaning of “woolie” for handkerchief into his red coat, and scampered gives me collies and keeps me closer to my on a top-secret language. The language, called years and still, nobody gets it. After a lengthy off. Japanese and Hebrew Brethens and Sisters “Woolenese,” will be used by all students, and dangerous investigation, Retriever reporters CBMU offi cials believe outsiders will at CBMU. faculty and staff by 2009. Offi cials say the have just discovered that “woolies” are student attempt to infi ltrate the school and get access language will create a more cohesive campus welcome week leaders that help new residents to the language. As a result, the lives of those Saki loma ation taki oma community. Also, the language will make the adjust. who understand it best—upper-classmen— ead mola xi yo ma la mal ta school more exclusive “like an Ivy League,” The fi les that The Retriever Weekly accessed may be endangered. Therefore, really old- kish ation loco bread taxi according to Vice Provost, Vick Vixen. “We’re describe the most top-secret and carefully looking freshmen will be used as decoys and yo agid laki shaw ma. simply attempting to make anyone who doesn’t encrypted words of the new language. Reporters forced to carry advanced textbooks, fi ll out go here wish they did by making them feel uncovered a multi million dollar computer multiple graduation applications, and dress Translation excluded.” This is about all the administration encryption program called WECSTSIL (Woolie in full graduation apparel, including cap and CBMU needs more than a secret is saying to the media; everything else is hush- Encryption Coding System That Somehow gown, twice each week. For assuming this language to be exclusive however to feel hush. An inside source that remains anonymous Involves Lasers). The WECSTSIL program task, freshmen will again earn one worthless exclusive you just need to be a party animal, out of fear for his life has provided most of what fi les show that the chess team will be called academic credit. not know your way to the Library and totally is reported here. “choolies,” homeless people that sneak into the The freshmen recruited will preferably show off your latest buys from the mall. The language sounds like a mix of Japanese, Patapsco dorms will be called “hoolies,” and look even older than the typical junior or Hebrew, and soggy bread. Linguistics professors really mean people that push kids down will be senior. In fact, “the older-looking, the better,” Saki tanu xiyo sham no will teach it to freshmen the summer before called, “boolies.” The Hillcrest building will be according to Jackson Fivfe, director of the ggydea lama siku tib li ki they enter CBMU. The class will count as 1 haunted by “ghoolies,” the University Health Erickson School of Aging. “We’re thinking of suku shama tatu fiki tea n credit, because, “1 credit is good for nothing,” Center will test “stoolies,” and those lace things starting a training program where our residents bread according to Alex Stud, Dean of Extramarital on your grandma’s dresser are “doolies.” The train the freshmen how to feel old, and yeah, Affairs. Transfer students will no longer be fi les contained no use of the word “coolie,” so we’re talking arthritis.” Translation admitted to the school because professors for those of you who hoped the word would be So, watch out old-looking freshmen, Is there something to eat in this school don’t want the inconvenience of teaching the available to describe something really awesome Woolenese is on its way. besides tea and bread? language mid-year and transfer students are or the temperature, it can’t. It’s still a racial slur lazy by nature anyway. and you’re still an intolerant jackass. Jennifer Jones.....(lost content) Last week, Retriever reporters risked In response to the surprisingly few their lives to access top-secret fi les outlining complaints about the secret language, President 12 Zealots April zoo, 1200 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Study fi nds mass insanity in Giving free speech a bad name professors When I complained about the fact that, MATTHEW MAINEN despite playing for an hour, both teams had mind would consider choosing The Starship and Retriever Weekly Token Bigot managed to score only 30 points, the director told GREG DEWEY the Canoe as something worth reading. Also, me “This is not the NBA.” I think he was referring Assistant to the Opinion Editor the rampant teaching of a radical chauvinistic While many of you were enjoying your spring to the fact that the majority of players in the NBA break, I spent my time at court-ordered diversity are black. After I thought about it, I realized that A recent study training for exercising my right to free speech and the director was right, and even though we never commissioned by the National expression as an American citizen. got over 50 points after fi ve hours of playtime, Institute for Higher Education In January, I burned 2,000 Korans in front what mattered was not the skill level of the team, (NIHE) has discovered that of the embassy of Iran as a non-violent, peaceful but the diversity of the players. a full 70 percent of college protest against Iran’s destruction of Christian Unfortunately, my second day was not any professors could be classifi ed texts. I was arrested, however, not for burning the easier. Several women were sent to the program, as mentally insane. Around 2 Koran, but for emitting more carbon dioxide into and I was given the task of putting head scarves on percent of those were found to the atmosphere (as a result of the fi re) than my them in order to celebrate Muslim culture. Again, I be criminally insane. The study permit allowed for. explained to the director that he was in the wrong. involved 1000 professors from Clearly, the government was in the wrong I explained to him that Islam and women’s rights all disciplines, including several here, as my right to peacefully protest against are compatible, and that if the women did not professors from UMBC. policies I disagree with should not fall under want to wear head scarves, it would be un-Muslim The UMBC professors environmental limitations. of me to force them. The director told me that I studied for the study had a My fi rst day at diversity training was was just being anti-Muslim and that my resistance slightly lower level of insanity incredibly tough, but I learned a lot. I had to pick to coercing the women was just due to my racism. than the average, but half of the out the people I wanted to play on my basketball So ultimately, I had to tackle the women, knock professors studied at UMBC team for the activities period, and I picked all black them unconscious, and glue the head scarves to were considered to have levels people, by mistake, because they just happened their heads. of psychosis consistent with to be taller than most of the white people in the On the third day, entitled “Sexual patterns found in patients at program. As soon as I completed my lineup, I was Development Day,” I was asked to engage in mental health facilities. informed that my team was not diverse enough, intimate acts with my fellow male program While no one in the and I needed to let some of my black players go members. The director told me that the goal school administration could be and take on some white players. I told the director was to help me appreciate sexual diversity. This, reached for comment, students that he was a moron, and that I wasn’t going to however, was not something I was willing to do, had a multitude of comments trade any of my players. I was perfectly content and I put the director in a triangle choke and on this study. One junior, who with being on an all black team. This, however, knocked him out. Then, out of nowhere, these asked not to be named, stated, “It took them or feministic mindset does not benefi t anyone did not sit well with the director. huge security guards blind-sided me. When I woke this long to fi gure out if professors are nutjobs?” except for perhaps the NIHE researchers, who In order to make my team more diverse, two of up, I was strapped to a chair in front of a screen. Senior James Conley stated that he “never once did not have to work as hard to fi nd evidences my best players were replaced by two white people Brokeback Mountain was playing. I was forced to doubted the ability of his professors,” however, of mass insanity in higher education. over a foot shorter than them. Unfortunately, there watch the movie for 72 hours, without end, due to Mr. Conley promptly started gnawing on a Perhaps higher education is merely a bell- was nothing I could do about it as I was forced to my behavior. After this, my diversity training was table, thereby leaving this reporter in some wether for a nation that is collectively going give them as much playing time as everyone else. complete, and I was released back into society. doubt about the veracity of his statement. mad. With the national prestige of the United Things, however, were not so bad, because Reportedly, the SGA is considering a States sinking due to moves that can only be the other teams had to let some of their better Matt Mainen hates all Muslims, black people, “student approved” increase in the Student Fees considered insane, perhaps the professors are players go as well. So basically, there were just women, Jews, and homosexuals. Feel free to confront to provide rehabilitation for any teachers who not all that different from other leaders in this a whole bunch of really good black basketball him in person and throw various incendiary devices “may feel some disconnection from reality”. country. The only way to get ahead now seems players sitting around without activities to do, but at him. However, this writer is sure that no one would to involve insanity. Even our student leaders are the director thought it was okay because the teams actually approve that request. Perhaps the possessive and outside of the bounds of reality. were diverse. NIHE should study the mental capacity of SGA Ultimately, students will have to decide whether members next. to believe their professors and other leaders This study brings to light the ugly because, as we all know now, they are certainly Fighting with the “man” underbelly of American education. With insane. universities in the United States seen as some shake as with coaxing all of the femininity out of the best in the world, it makes you wonder Greg Dewey owns a beet farm, was the JULIA DICARLO of women like a snake-charmer with decidedly how bad the universities in other countries are. youngest pilot in Pan Am history and was once Retriever Weekly Ambiguous Writer intolerant politics. I asked “Why not be the You also have to wonder about how the business absorbed a twin while in the womb. He also aspires intellect and the lady?” Demagogues dismissed world works with millions of people educated by to sell paper. It is time for a confession. Julia DiCarlo hasn’t me as a thorn in “the movement.” They wanted to professors that fall into a category of individuals always been my name. I was born in the sweltering extinguish my brand of thought. that spend their day talking to imaginary people summer of 1984, and entered the world as Julian Of course I questioned the system! I was no and having delusions of grandeur. DiCarlo. man (anymore). Why had I become a remarkable Immediately after this survey was released, My decision to change my identity to Julia woman when the gender lines were closing in? projected enrollment for the next academic wasn’t a simple one. After being suffocated from Fear seized me as I realized that soon I would year dropped substantially, as people decided years of washed-out ambiguity and inner-turmoil, be a generic being using unisex bathrooms and to forego an education system burdened with I resolved to adopt the feminine mystique. I made fi st fi ghting. I clutched my chest and recoiled in those who should not technically be able to care the modifi cations, and reemerged as the fi gure I horror as I came to the shocking truth: Women are for themselves. Admittedly, there have been desired to embody. poisoning their own charm. signs that teaching at a university and teaching In my formative years, I hid under turn- A few others shared in my worries. Well in general draws on a broad category of the style clothing racks in the women’s department wishers mostly. So, with little support, dear reader, mentally ill. Certainly, no one in their right of Hutzler’s and the Hecht Co., watching I have decided to return to being a man. The women, envying the way men fell at their feet. surgeon guaranteed I could return if I wasn’t fully Opening doors, pulling out chairs-- it was satisfi ed—and as I write this, I am not. candy for my adolescent senses. More than air, I I will throw away my bras, my dresses, my Po’ could use some practice craved an old fashioned romance in lipstick, and purses, and my makeup. They mean nothing evenings bantering about contemporary topics anymore. I will scratch myself in public and keep while adhering to the principles of the chivalric warm by a high-heeled fi re. I will bench press my from CRIME, page 6 tradition. own burden (won’t the boys in weight training be OK. I want to see some blood and gore. I want let them go. If we eliminate the police force, However, once I transformed myself (and surprised?). I will give up my identity. I will resign more John Gaumer-like incidents, except even perhaps we can get some people from the ‘hood believe me, I had them all fooled), I became myself to a world in which gender is an archaic that was off campus. We need more people or Klan in here to disrupt our insular illusion disenchanted. My fellow women hated men. term. to get beaten to a pulp, knifed in the dark, or of isolationism. Maybe that’ll spice things up They hated the idea of a separation in gender (an punched in the throat. I’m tired of living in a little. alteration I went to a lot of trouble to obtain). Julia(n) DiCarlo would like to remind everyone the safety net of good ol’ UMBC. Perhaps we They insisted on opening their own doors, paying that she takes greatest pleasure in seducing men and need to take away the police force. Honestly, Aaron Ludensky is tired of feeling safe all their own way in a restaurant, and even wearing then ripping out their hearts. Literally. She, he, she, if they have nothing better to do than enforce the time and can be found wandering the alleys men’s clothing. or whatever can be reached for comment at sketchy the nonsmoking policy, sit outside in front of of D.C. late at night with hundreds of dollars in The spirit of the women’s rights movement places in Baltimore or at [email protected]. the UC on their bicycles, and hand out the cash and a couple grams of blow. was dead. It was slaughtered by an ugly stand-in occasional parking ticket, I think it’s time to that didn’t care as much about obtaining a fair THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April zoo, 1200 Zealots 13

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.Gameroom. .Schedule. .TUESDAY. the 3rd .WEDNESDAY. the 4th .UMBC Talks .SEB’s 1st Annual Wiener Bowl .THURSDAY. the 5th Sunday 12-1pm Mosaic 12-1pm sportszone .seb Movie Billiards/Table .World Series of Pop Culture .DDR Club 5-9pm “Good Shepherd” 8pm sportszone 7:30 & 10:00 LH1 $2 Tennis Club gameroom .Cinema Series .13 Thursdays of Culture 2-6pm Akeelah and the Bee 8-11pm commons Tuesday 8pm skylight room .Darfur Diaries 8pm skylight room BlackLight Pool .Diversity Career Fair 11:30-3:30 UC Ballroom 7-10pm Wednesday DDR Club .FRIDAY. the 6th 5-9pm .Dispelling the Myths .SATURDAY. the 7th Thursday 12-1pm Mosaic .Chess Coaching Session .Easter Egg Hunt 10:30-1:30pm Card/Board 12pm the Quad MP 105 Game Night .Trip to Baltimore Aquarium .Vegas Night Charity Event 7-10m Bus leaves 5pm contact seb 5pm commons .seb Movie .Saturday Spotlight “Good Shepherd” Live Music: .Flat Tuesdays. 8pm LH1 $2 Under the Covers free popcorn! 7pm sportszone .Schedule. Dove Lounge Monday 6-11:30pm flat tuesdays Sports Night .1/2 $Price Pool .MONDAY. the 9th ALL DAY gameroom 8:30-11:00pm .SUNDAY. the 8th .SEB Committee Meeting .seb Movie Thursday .1/2 $Price Pool 12pm commons C2B10 “Good Shepherd” 13 Thursdays ALL DAY gameroom .SGA Senate Meeting 8pm LH1 $1 .Billiards/Table Tennis 5:30pm commons 318 of Culture 2-6pm gameroom 4:30-11:00 Friday 4:00-Midnight

For a full list of events check out the calendar link at http://www.umbc.edu/calendar www.umbc.edu/seb OR check out weekly events at http://www.umbc.edu/thisweek 16 Zealots April zoo, 1200 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY

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Check out our online offerings and much more on our Web site, Training Centers www.umbctrainingcenters.com. THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April zoo, 1200 Zealots 17 18 Arts & Entertainment Month Day, Year THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY

Elizabeth Silberholz Meet the Managing Editor Stumbling out from the wilderness three years ago, Kyle Clelan Business Manager Dave Iden was a fearsome, Anshuman has distinct growling,fur-covered, hopes for world domination. hunched-over beast. He has He is one of the Retriever’s Business Assistant been honed and chiseled into more reliable staff, known Ammad had left the a fi erce fi ghting machine using for arriving Monday morning Retriever after tribal fi ghts science, and once he learns and leaving Friday night. He between his clan and to stop ripping the throats out is full of English-accented Anshuman’s clan in the of the lab techs, he will infl ict bullshit and is currently at war trecherous mountains of grave revenge on Hrabowski’s with the Assistant Business Kashmir have left him sour enemies. Manager’s clan. mouthed.

Editor-in-Chief Dave Iden Anshuman Ammad Elizabeth is a multi-trillionaire Jangi Khan after serving in the lucrative position as The Retriever Weekly’s EIC for almost one year. She plans to use her Ads Manager hard-earned cash to buy her dream Kyle is an acorn factory, car: a sky blue Prius, plant a forest but he never counts them in her backyard, and pay for medical before they hatch. That’s why school. he’s heading for one heckofa promotion. Sports Editor Alex once beat Michael Arts & Vick in a footrace, and routinely Entertainment out-lifts Ray Lewis in the weight Editor room. Despite offers to attend the University of Miami, USC, Kate Nunley punctuates Jeremy and Florida State on full athletic conversations with snarky scholarships, he instead opted Ashley Benitez System-Fixer- quips and threatens everyone Hentschel to attend UMBC and use the Upper with a swift rugby tackle. school’s research facilities to Paul is The Retriever develop untraceable forms of When not scoffi ng your poor Weekly’s System-Fixer-Upper, anabolic steroids. taste in humor, she is disgusted not to be confused with Bounty, by your public display of the Quicker-Picker-UpperTM. affection. Alex Pyles You will fi nd him walking like an Egyptian around the Kate Nunley offi ce, always in step with the latest technological advances to come out of the Evil Apple Empire. In addition to his time spent at The Retriever, Paul works at NASA on the Lunar Cheese Mining project.

Assistant A&E Editor Assistant Sports Paul Swenson Oh boy! Jeremy Hentschel Editor is Kate’s third assistant in Ashley has an unhealthy one year. How long can he appetite for March Madness possibly last? Some of his and was put in a mental favorite phrases are “Suure,” institution because she went “Thanks!” and “Better luck nuts when her bracket was next tiiime!” Tim Conway completely busted. One night she was throwing dice in the Kate Henning alley, Offi cer LeRoy come up Copy Editor and said, “He I daought I dold Alex spent months storing chu.” and she was like “YEAH nuts for the winter, but now WHATEVER!” Ashley loves a that spring is here he’s gonna variety of healthy foods such as party like only a squirrel knows cake, ice cream, cheesecake, how. Doritos, and strawberries. Alex Herzberg Mark Perdomo Photography Editor Mark is the photo editor of The Retriever Weekly, Copy Editor and also enjoys summer Tim is the TRW grammer nights, long walks on the Nazi. If he fi nds a mistake he beach, and would probably Copy Editor circles wildly in red pen and be kicked out by now if this Kate can tear apart a 500- screams “No proofs for you!” paper were a dating show. word article, but she can’t thereby refusing to admit Otherwise, Mark enjoys (for generate 50 words about fi nality to the aforementioned real) photography, fountain herself. Ha ha. low-quality documents pens, and living at the the editorial staff deem a beach. newspaper. THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Month Day, Year Arts & Entertainment 19

Spartan Staff Opinion Editor Aaron Ludensky will call you gay just as often as he recommends waxy hair Jenni Choi products. He’s a zealot and Greg Dewey tailors articles to his liking so they rarely resemble anything that was written originally. He News Editor also would like a picture of the Brian Whippo consistently out- Taiwanese girl in the sweatshop dresses everyone in the room and cuts who made his shoes. through laziness and stupidity with a Cutco carving knife. THIS CHEESE STEAK Aaron Ludensky IS NOT EDIBLE! Brian Whippo

Assistant News Editor Assistant Opinion Editor Jenni Choi is an old Greg Dewey is a part-time Asian woman. She goes magician and was formerly a Webmistress to Jesus meetings and is stripper with the infamous “Hot learning English. She dreams Cops”. He was blackballed by Alice is a chaotic in calculus and is completely the Magicians Alliance due neutral level II bard. fl uent in Asian. She hopes to an unfortunate incident on Looking to take advantage of that the man who buys her a yacht. He has recorded an award-winning CD and faked her high charisma score, she after graduation is nice. Matt Basch his own death. He can be is currently investigating a Circulation Manly Assistant seen riding a Segway around career of “Gold Digger.” Here Manager campus. in Sparta she uses what little Greg is the Manly Assistant. Production Assistant magic she has to manage the Ray... is... Sparta! He does manly things like ARDing Our newest addition to citizen’s use of “Internet,” a the Macs, pwning the PCs, and the production staff, Yinka’s having his way with the web magical series of tubes that Ray Moore server. He is currently working on awsomeness includes being transmit letters, packages, and convincing The Retriever Weekly fl uent in many languages, such a strange canned meat. to switch to Windows as their as Graphenese, Sassenese and Sleepense. Alice Carback platform of choice. Greg Fiumara Adeyinka Taiwo

Manly Tech Matt is an ex-RA who was fi red for providing alcohol to under-aged residents, along with his involvement in the Harbor Sprinkler Incident of 2006. His love of Apple Computers and Linux is what brought him to Production Assistant The Retriever Weekly. Matt is Every Monday evening looking forward to the opening after Megan is released of UMBC’s new ice rink. Carly Wilkins from the offi ce, she runs Production Assistant to the harsh lighting of Look at the rays of light Megan the tennis courts and emanating from Helen Zhang. Hodson transforms into a fairy. They are a testament to her She protects innocent unquestionable awesomeness. wanderers from muggers She holds three titles: Illustrator, and broken beer bottles Production Assistant, and Supreme Being. Without her, the newspaper wouldn’t look Megan nearly as good... in bed. Helen Zhang Brohawn Megan Zlock

Production Assistant Production Manager Carly is not a writer. She lays Megan, our resident Copy Editor out things. In fact, she doesn’t female ninja, spends her time Megan, the comma Nazi, even lay out things anymore; at The Retriever Weekly laying is too lazy to write articles for she just watches other people out the news whenever she’s the newspaper. Instead, she do it and makes up answers to not hanging from the ceiling sneaks online and changes their questions. You can fi nd or taking down ResNet with the wording of articles already her in the production offi ce on her ninja powers. Don’t cross written, then complains that Mondays surfi n’ Facebook and her or she’ll round-house kick grammar is a lost art. She also doing her French Quia activities you like Chuck Norris. No, enjoys Jack Bauer and romantic late into the night. seriously, she will. kissing scenes. 20 April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY INSIDE Wii Sports added as Gym credit Ask the Expert worth reading 20

. 22 Fluff n’ Food Network fi xes our food21 Stuff Something about American Idol21

Coming to Theaters This Week Eight dates in Catonsville Fantastic spots you won’t want to miss! By Jeremy Hentschel with the colorful candy racks and Counter Strike: The Movie (R) TED SNIDELY spacious aisles of the nearby Giant. Retriever Weekly Romantic Savant They have a bountiful selection of potables and palatables, including In today’s fast-paced world of steaks, pasta, sandwiches, and speed dating, instant messaging, and hamburgers, though the clerks and Facebook stalking, who even has time waitress are irascibly impudent when to plan an evening out anymore? It’s you tell them how you want your meet always diffi cult to fi nd the perfect cooked. Although seating is limited bistro or trattoria to take that special (reservations are recommended) someone too, especially when you and consists mainly of cheap lawn live on a remote college campus furniture, the little details make up like UMBC, where the situation is M.Perdomo [Evil Genius] for it. They even have an expansive Aisels of Love: Head on over to Superfresh for a date you won’t forget. deplorably worse. Frankly, I wouldn’t magazine rack to keep clientele be surprised to fi nd that the city braved the winding roads and maze- the top eight dates in Catonsville occupied while the chefs prepare the offi cials haven’t bothered to replace like hills west of campus to scout out (ten was sadly more than our budget meal. the cobblestone roads in Arbutus yet. the town of Catonsville: a quaint little allotted): Number 7 Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie (PG-13) Nonetheless, The Retriever Weekly hamlet that’s rumored to have an inn Number 8 I had never heard of 7-11 before decided to rectify this disastrous or two worthy of student patronage. Looking for a cheap meal and a I ventured the remote boulevards dating nightmare. Our street team So, without further delay, we present cultural experience? Thrill your date see ROMANCE, page 24. 3-D Mitch Hedberg hologram standing up at UMBC

technicians have done with just fi nd out where they are going and SAMANTHA JONES the Hedberg-Holo. Our you can meet up with them later. Retriever Weekly Staff Writer audiences could barely tell UMBC is honored to have the it wasn’t Mitch himself up computer/comedian as a guest for A surprise event for this year’s on stage; I think they might Parking Lot Mania. Admission will be Parking Lot Mania has been leaked have been too intoxicated to $2, taken in $2 bills only, so making to the Deceiver staff! Humor-loving notice he was see-through.” change will be easy. For this small students and stoners from across In addition to being a sum, guests will be delighted by all campus will be entertained on April 100% accurate recreation their favorite Hedberg jokes. The 20 when they get high and come out of Mitch Hedberg, just classics programmed into Hedberg- to see a 3-D, computer programmed prior to his death, the Holo’s routine include: being a race car Mega-Man: The Movie (PG-13) hologram of the famous comedian Hedberg-Holo takes time passenger, stoplights as compared to Mitch Hedberg performing at 4:20 between shows to pursue bananas, Smackey the Frog as a forest p.m. in the RAC. Expect all to hear other talents. He is rarely a fi re representative and the DuFresnes’s all the best of Hedberg’s repertoire, steamboat operator, but can kidnapped dinner party. After the show, faithfully recreated in full living color type 100 words per minute refreshments will be served. Look for and complete with vodka stains and (in his own language) and homemade Sprite, corn off-the-cob, pot smoke. prides himself on his ice glow in the dark EZ Cheese and frozen Recent advances in technology sculptures of cubes. In one bananas for those that want a regular have helped to generate the life-like interview, Hedberg-Holo banana later. Receipts will be provided Hedberg-Holo, who has been touring expressed a desire to visit to with all donuts and the Yoplait yogurt comedy clubs since April of 2006. the top two corners of the comes with a free message of inspiration Following his christening performance globe so he could fi nally under the cap. Also, the Hedberg-Holo to commemorate the fi rst anniversary hang up his “World Travels” tours with many souvenirs for sale after of Mitch Hedberg’s death in 2005, map. He also reassures his his routine. Be sure to bring enough the hologram’s road manager stated, fans that if you are ever sick Matt Eller [Retriever Staff] cash to buy a severed foot, the ultimate Back in Black: Hedberg-Holo laughs it up. “I am absolutely thrilled with what the of following your dreams, see HOLOGRAM, page 25. pictures courtesy of www.ytmnd.com

HZ By Helen Zhang lokklyn.deviantart.com THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April 3, 2007 21 Fluff n’ Stuff Underground exposé

and singing emo- CARRIE ST. CLAIR tionally. These people Retriever Weekly Contributing Writer all dress this way so that they can show I’ve been going to this school for almost how individualistic and a year now and I’m shocked that people don’t unique they are. know anything about underground music. Well, There are so many I like to consider myself an expert in the subject, emo bands out there on since I’m really popular on the scene and I go to the scene right now and those $5 shows at Fletchers like every weekend, they are all different and so for the benefi t of keeping the student body offer something unique informed, I’m going to educate you as much as to cater to different I can. people. Some of these Let’s fl ash back to the 60s. This was a bands include Fall turbulent time in American history, and music Out Boy, Panic at the was just starting to become political. You had Disco, My Chemical bands like Bob Dylan and The Beatles that Romance, Hawthorne protested things that were going on at the time, Heights, Taking Back like the Vietnam War and Watergate. But, Sunday, Senses Fail, All- although this music was political and really American Rejects, and spoke to a generation of disenfranchised youth, for those times when there wasn’t really an underground music scene you really want to “get yet. crazy,” Thursday. There wasn’t anything notable in the 1970s, Sometimes emo so let’s move on to the 80s. During this decade, just isn’t heavy enough you only had two kinds of music: hair metal and to help you cope with New Wave. Many people during this time were all those negative content to listen to just these two styles, but feelings. This is where there were a few kids that wanted something hardcore comes in. more. These kids started listening to bands like Hardcore is basically a Nirvana and Alice in Chains, which ended up heavier version of emo being the most popular, infl uential bands of and it usually has one [Couresty of Reprise Records] the 90s. Nirvana is responsible for inventing guy that screams the Emo Kids: Wearing your sister’s jeans has never been so hott. grunge music, which is notable for being one lyrics out really fast like of the fi rst styles of underground music. It was a a rap, and then another singer during the chorus like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. He raps you couldn’t understand the words. It was so popular alternative to the hair metal bands and that sings more like the normal emo style. They about political stuff too, which makes him so depressing! The songs went on and on forever, it touched on a lot of political subjects, like the also tend to thrash around a lot on stage and underground. and all they did was build into a crescendo. They protest music of the 60s. Another popular style play complicated melodies, which makes them Unfortunately, not everyone knows as also had horn players, which is a blatant theft of underground music during this period was even more emotional than emo at times. Some much about music as I do. Some of your self- from ska music, and did crowd-surfi ng, which is ska, which basically featured punk bands with a of the most popular hardcore bands include proclaimed knowledgeable friends may tell you a theft from punk music. They didn’t even have horn section. Some of the bands that invented Poison the Well, Norma Jean, Atreyu, As I Lay hardcore and emo originated in Washington, a mosh pit! The only crowd participation they this style include Sublime and Reel Big Fish. Dying, It Dies Today, All That Remains, and D.C. in the 1980s. That is a fabricated lie. As I had was when the bass player, this ugly guy with Although you had the beginnings of the Still Remains. They are all very unique. Since said before, the only two styles of music in the a mustache, told everyone to jangle their car underground music movement in the 90s, it hardcore has been on the scene such a long time 80s were New Wave and hair metal. keys for a song. And yet, everyone was cheering really didn’t explode until just a few years ago. (at least 4 years), some people have gotten tired Another person that doesn’t know a whole so loud that they came out for an encore! The There are so many unique styles of underground of playing it and have moved on to other genres lot about music is my roommate. Last Saturday, audience must have been on drugs. music these days, including emo, hardcore, like metalcore, grindcore, and post-hardcore. she dragged me to this show at the Ottobar I urge you to avoid bands like this. They emo-core, post-hardcore, screamo, and post- Those styles are all unique and different as where this “band” called Do Make Say Think are NOT in the scene and it doesn’t make any screamo. There’s just too many bands to explain well. was playing. At least that’s what I think they sense to me how they get shows. In any case, I all these styles in one article, and it’s too hard to If you’re not into underground rock, were called. I was shocked when they came on hope this helps you in your quest to fi nd some explain how these styles are different. But just maybe you would like some underground rap. stage because they were wearing boring regular good underground music. to give you an idea of what emo means, since One of the most popular underground rap stars clothes and didn’t have cool hair. I mean, how some people are confused by that term, emo is is Mos Def. I don’t know as much about rap are they going to show how much individuality Carrie St. Clair is every person you’ve ever a style of punk rock that originated in the late as I do about rock, but I know that Mos Def they have if they don’t have cool emo clothes? wanted to punch in the face. Comments may be 1990s-early 2000s and features band members has a multi-million dollar contract with Geffen In any case, I use the word band loosely send to [email protected]. wearing makeup and punky clothes, long hair Records, appears in television commercials, because they weren’t even playing real music. brushed over an eye, dorky glasses, tight shirts, and gets cast in starring roles in popular movies They hardly sang at all, and even when they did, Saved! director holding open auditions at UMBC

Dannelly fi lms. said, “the more people know about who [the Depending on how the university is GABY AREVALO The lead roles have yet to be cast, though actor really is], and it’s a fundamental thing, the portrayed, this fi lm could prove to be either a Retriever Weekly Staff Writer industry buzz is indicating that some of the more the mystery is taken away from the artist, godsend or a curse for UMBC. If the school is actors being considered for the male lead and the harder it is for people to believe that seen positively, it could draw more people to the Attention all budding thespians: Auditions include Emile Hirsch, Adam Brody, and James person in a particular role.” school and counter-act the school’s dry spell. for a feature fi lm will be held April 11 in the Franco. The fi lm will focus on both suburban life But if the bad aspects of this school are shown Commons during free hour. Brian Dannelly There is no buzz as to who will be cast as and on college life at UMBC during the mid (the lack of social life, the awkward location), (Visual and Performing Arts ’97), most notably the female lead, so while it is unoffi cial, it is 1990s. Though Dannelly states that the fi lm is it could detract from the positive spin that the known as the co-writer and director of the possible that the female lead will be cast at one not based on his personal life, he did draw on administration is putting on. indie favorite Saved!, and as producer of the of the open casting calls throughout Maryland, the experiences of those around him while at The movie will be fi lmed during the Showtime original series Weeds, is holding an including the one at UMBC. Experience is not UMBC. The fi lm follows a young man from summer when the campus is relatively free open casting call for a yet-unnamed project. The necessary for this role, as the fi lm focuses on the end of his high school career through his of students. The production team will also fi lm will focus on life in suburban Maryland, very real characters. In fact, a newcomer would life as an undergrad. Co-written by Michael recreate some of the parts of the campus on a with scenes to be fi lmed at UMBC. In order probably be best for this role as too many stars Urban, the fi lm promises to be an endearing studio lot. The production team is looking for to make the UMBC scenes more relevant, the would probably over-power the fi lm. In my look at the college experience in Baltimore several people willing to serve as interns for the director has decided to cast current UMBC personal opinion, when a fi lm has too many big County. The writing team last paired up for set design department for school credit. students in supporting roles. Though not names, it draws attention away from the actual Saved! and is also in production for Runner-Up, much information has been given on the roles, plot and the audience focuses not on the story a fi lm about a beauty queen who organizes a Gaby Arevalo is a Staff Writer for The it is pretty safe to say that there will be both or the characters, but on the people portraying beauty pageant at a women’s prison as part of Retriever Weekly and can be reached for comment humorous and serious roles, as are typical in the characters. As Leonardo DiCaprio once her community service commitment. at [email protected]. 22 April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Fluff n’ Stuff

Events Happening Throughout the Greater Baltimore-Washington Area Incidentally... Events Happening On and Around the UMBC Campus Beginning [April 3] around town Chalk It Up to Bad Luck Dracula Riding Velociraptors Due to the overwhelming popularity Clutch your crucifi x and keep an eye Beginning [April 3] of all the chalk messages written on out. And I’m talking about the raptors from various buildings around campus, the Jurassic Park, not those wussy ones from administration has encouraged all students actual history. Remember, you are alive to buy a book of trite quotations and go to when they start to eat you. Crime Please RSVP if you plan to attend. For more town with whatever spaces are aren’t already If you take a look around town this information, stand around on a street corner covered! The Internet Not Working weekend, you shouldn’t have too much trouble with a wad of twenties rolled up in your You can expect the internet to be experiencing your very own armed robbery or pocket. SEB Movie – New Location!!! moving slowly, coming on and off, or just shady drug deal on the street corner! If you go After downgrading to Lecture Hall II not working at all. We are aware of this deep enough into the city, you may even be Some Art Thing from Lecture Hall I, the movie this week problem and working to fi x it. In the mean able to pick up a prostitute or two! Which, Pieces will be on display from some (Boat Trip) will be moved once more. If time, we encourage you not to panic or do ironically, leads to the next event... artist nobody’s ever heard of, but you better you’d like to see the movie, please come to something crazy like leave your rooms or go act like you have or people won’t think you’re the fi fth fl oor of Patapsco, room 503, at outside. STDs cultured. 7:30 p.m. on Thursday, 8 p.m. on Friday Yes, they are out there. Always be and Saturday. Remember – UMBC Fun- Some Doors Broken Somewhere prepared! Remember – no glove, no love! More Crime Money only, no cash! There will be caution tape up – don’t You didn’t think you got away that easy, even think about trying to go in there! Drugs did you? No shortage of these in Baltimore!

Wii Sports to be What do you want to do when you grow up? ve people moustaches. Joshua: I want to be a NASA scientist. I like playing with my camcorder. Jonah: I

want to be an astr gi offered for gym credit I ddy: e T next semester . onaut! T y ler: I want to be a fi a lot of things I want to do e I hav .

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Playing with their Wiis: These are not actually Wiis. They were all sold out. e r . I

ketball. I play s a b e k li I cob: a J swimming. go I endon: r B coloring. and ainting P t. ar into m I’ : e g Ga ioles. r O the like students to become interested in something they JEREMY HENTSCHEL may otherwise ignore.” President Hrabowski then Retriever Weekly God of War excused himself, saying he had a meeting to attend The Offi ce of the Registrar has announced in the administration’s Mii Parade. Do you want to write for a newspaper? that a radical new approach on physical fi tness will The Wii Sports class will be listed as PHED be offered to students next semester. A physical 137 in the course catalogue for the fall, replacing education class will be offered at the standard 1.5 the now-obsolete actual Tennis class. When asked credits in Wii Sports! Yes, despite severe shortages, why Tennis had been cut in favor of Wii Tennis, UMBC has fl exed its fi nancial muscle and picked UMBC’s Actual Tennis Coach replied, “What’s the up dozens of Wii consoles in preparation for the point?” Students are encouraged to register early, as class. the new class is expected to fi ll up quickly. The class “I’m very excited for the new program,” is scheduled to meet Mondays and Wednesdays, said President Hrabowski at a meeting with The 11:00-1:00, and Wii Tennis, Bowling, and Boxing Retriever Weekly earlier this week, “We had set aside will be covered (nobody likes baseball and golf). thousands of dollars to build a new parking garage for the commuters – they are very expensive you Jeremy Hentschel is the Fluff n’ Stuff Ass Editor know, $22,000 a spot – but ever since Provost for The Retriever Weekly. He is the king of Iron Johnson showed me this Wii Sports game last Fists 5. He can be reached in SPARTAAA!!! All: NO!!!!! month, I haven’t been able to get it off my mind! I think this will be a great opportunity for all our THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April 3, 2007 23 Fluff n’ Stuff American Idol is taking the power away from you! become a joke, and feel that this group of deviants Justin to Kelly, as well as bootlegged copies of A Randy mumbled something to the effect of, “dawg, SARAH EVANS could ruin the integrity of the show. Very Sanjaya Christmas, a rare look at this season’s that’s not cool,” while Paula just kept smiling. It is Retriever Weekly Hollywood Correspondent While the producers thought they were favorite. Crying children have also been seen lining obvious, based on reactions and statements made, only making an innocent change, ever since the the streets, as their dreams of becoming the next that the producers did not realize the effect such Yesterday at 9:25 a.m. Pacifi c Standard Time, announcement there has been pandemonium in American Idol now hang in the balance. a decision would have. Because of the devastating the producers of the cultural icon American Idol the streets of Hollywood. Fans are refusing to enter All of America seems to be mourning the impact on the country, American Idol will not announced that they would be changing their fan the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, where the show loss of what had become comparable to a fi rst be broadcasted for the next two weeks while the friendly policy of letting America vote to keep their is fi lmed, and are frantically trying to sell their no- amendment right; the right to chose who I, as an producers sort things out. In the meantime, House favorite idol on the show; instead of America, it will longer-hot tickets to anyone willing to buy them. average American, feel has the raw talent to become will actually be shown for two straight weeks, and now be the judges who decide. Many are up for auction on E-Bay, where the a superstar. Such a heavy decision now rests in the Dancing With the Stars will be uncontested for This announcement comes after the repeated highest bid so far is $8.63 for a far left, 26th row hands of three individuals, who before the show, reality show ratings. We can only hope that with voting off of some of the more talented singers. seat. When asked for comment on why he would were bitter, a has-been, and unknown. Simon (who some time away, Idol will come back with a renewed The judges were left in shock, until it was revealed buy such a ticket, the lone Idol fan (who has chosen may still be bitter), Paula, and Randy claim to have faith in the American people and give back the right that an underground movement to vote the worst to remain anonymous) said, “Well, I really just had no say in the matter, but did not seem surprised to choose the next American Idol. contestants on to the next round had selected wanted to be on TV...maybe I should have just at the announcement. Sanjaya Malakar as their favorite. Week after week, gone to The Today Show.” When asked for comment, Simon replied, Sarah Evans is a Staff Writer for The Retriever the internet campaign Vote For the Worst (endorsing Even though most ex-fans are trying to purge “I think it is a brilliant idea. Obviously America Weekly and can be reached for comment at tone-deaf Idol future-stars since 2004) has gained themselves of anything that could remind them of cannot be trusted anymore. We are giving these [email protected]. enough support to keep Sanjaya on the show. It is the show, some have chosen to keep their tickets winners a record deal and it is about because of this group that American Idol producers and brave the hoards of angry protesters. This may time people with some expertise, as I have taken away our right as citizens to vote for who be a dangerous choice though, as the picket line have, make the decisions. Besides, we we watch every Tuesday and Wednesday evening. outside the Kodak Theatre is growing increasingly can’t have a winner who, if they had been The producers have stated that they do not want violent. Fans and onlookers appear to be burning singing two thousand years ago, would FOX’s number one hit (next to Jack Bauer) to bobble-head Idol fi gurines and copies of From have been stoned for their performance.” Food Network to revamp UMBC dining options you guessed it -UMBC. com) and her new stint as a syndicated KATRINA COHEN The mystery behind UMBC’s coveted top talk show host with an Oprah-inspired Retriever Weekly Food Critic ten spot remains. The UMBC submission package magazine, Everyday With Rachael Ray. (said to include photographs of unidentifi able meat Ray still remains vaguely attached to the Think back to your normal day-in-food here at products and samples of soggy carrots, among television network that made her name UMBC. Go ahead: close your eyes. Bask. Immerse other things) was entered anonymously, and the known (at least in some circles), and yourself in the sights and sounds and smells of SEB and SGA have been unable to comment on its agreed to become a food judge for the – have you made it this far? Congratulations, you sender. Ostensibly, no one wants to ‘fess up because Food Network’s Campus Food Challenge have an extremely accepting palate. If, at any point, the top ten position places a potentially unwelcome to appeal to a new, and highly desirable, you felt yourself cringing, or refusing, or falling to strain on UMBC, which will now have to host a age demographic. Ray, if she is the food sleep, you are like me: a fearful, unhappy and bored Food Network food judge for eight weeks in the judge assigned to UMBC, will spend one UMBC diner. Sure, we go to the dining hall (if fall semester. Underground buzz developed quickly day a week at UMBC shooting segments coerced), and manage to fi nd semi-decent lunches after the Food Network announcement of its top next fall before returning to her New [Courtesy of Food Network] at the Commons, but we also know something is ten as to who our food judge would become. York talk show studio. Yum-O: Rachel Ray plans to bring culinary inspiration to Sodexho. lacking, a giant hole not even a few strategically An unidentifi ed freshman suggested Ina Though nothing is set in stone for placed cases of Odwalla products can fi ll. Garten, otherwise know as the Barefoot Contessa, the new show, Food Network Senior Vice President campus must agree to display the Food Network But fear not, hungry masses: our liberator has and his mother’s favorite host. Some were less sure of Programming and Production had this to offer: 24/7 somewhere on campus. This requirement arrived. As any avid viewer of the Food Network of their hoped-for selections; others simply didn’t “Campus Food Challenge will be an important means that if you head to the RAC next fall, don’t will remember, the channel dedicated entirely to care, and went on to enjoy another chicken fi nger step in the Food Network becoming more hip, forget that iPod; UMBC will be replacing its typical haute cuisine put out a call in February: which Wednesday without question. more accessible to a whole array of young people, workout fare, mtvU, for all Food Network, all the U.S. campus has the worst food on any given day? A leak came early yesterday when President budding chefs. The episodes will ask viewers to time. College representatives were asked to make their Freeman Hrabowski’s unedited press transcript was decide which campus currently has the worst food Will our food speak for itself? Will Rachael case through various forms of documentation released. “We’re excited to have such a high-profi le to offer, and then our food experts will step in, Ray shake Hrabowski’s hand? Will we, against all – photography, video, and even food samples were and energetic lady here to generate interest in our giving that school a complete Food Network food Sanjaya Malakar-like odds, win the food makeover? acceptable (provided that samples were sent and great university next fall.” makeover. We’re very excited about the possibilities Stay tuned. sealed according to foodnetwork.com regulations). Food Network fans and weary speculators of this show really hitting it big.” The channel announced that after submissions have since suggested that Hrabowski was referring Because the show offers involved schools, Katrina Cohen is the resident Food Critic for were evaluated, the top ten campuses appearing to to the one and only Rachael Ray, known for her 30 including Princeton Review “worst campus food” The Retiever Weekly. She can be reached for recipes abominate food most entirely would be highlighted Minute Meals, her quasi-catchy phrases like “yum- favorites SUNY Albany and Carnegie Mellon at [email protected]. on an upcoming American Idol-style show. One of o!” and “E.V.O.O. (Extra Virgin Olive Oil)!” University, free publicity (although the potential those top ten schools announced just last week - (fondly referred to as “Rayisms” on foodnetwork. negative thrust of this publicity is debatable), the

Dear Quinn, Questions I’m really worried that my boyfriend is cheating on me. He’s been going places and not wanting to tell me where. We haven’t gone out in weeks, and he doesn’t return my calls as quickly as he used to. I even found a pair of panties in his room, and he said it was a for Quincy prank his friends played on him! I want to believe him, I mean, we’re in love, but it’s becoming really hard. What should I do? A: First of all, Quinn has the week off. I’m her short, angry brother Quincy. So what, you want to fi ght about it? Now, on to your question. How can you have so little faith in your boyfriend? Insecurity, not infi delity, is the real culprit here! You’re tearing your relationship apart because you can’t trust your boyfriend. Who cares where he’s going, or if he calls you back, or if there are girls’ underwear in his room. Didn’t you say you love him? Shame on you for immediately thinking he must be cheating on you! You have some real trust issues, and you should work these out if you want any chance at a healthy relationship. You make me sick!

Dear Quinn, I’ve been cheating on my girlfriend, and I think she’s fi nally catching on. I’ve been going places and not wanting to tell her where. I haven’t taken her out in weeks, and I don’t return her calls as quickly as I used to. She even found a pair of panties in my room, and I told her it was a prank my friends played on me! I don’t want her to fi nd out, I mean, she’s hot, but it’s becoming really hard. What should I do? A: Calm down buddy, what’s happening is perfectly natural, and don’t you let her guilt you into thinking otherwise! College is a place to experiment and have fun, and you can’t let her hold you back! If she really loved you, she’d understand. Buy her some fl owers or take her out somewhere nice, and if things really go south, buy her some jewelry. If none of that works, you may have to bite the bullet and tell her you love her. If that doesn’t work, she’s just not worth the trouble. Rock on, brother! 24 Fluff n’ Stuff April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY ASK THE Romantic getaways abound near UMBC from ROMANCE, page 20. revelry. Domino’s Pizza and Rite Aide, where it’s hard EXPERT?!! Number 3 to imagine why more students don’t visit the of Catonsville, but evidently its some sort of Sometimes, the best dates are the casual local attractions. And once you’ve found the Top Ten Ways to Ace the Interview knock-off of “The Spot.” I was skeptical when ones: frivolous nights of respite from your street lights of the main strip, it’s impossible People tell me interview tips all the time. I approached the bulky monstrosity: green, academic labors. That’s why our number three to miss the brightly lit Hollywood marquee. For example, my uncle told me to never challenge brown, and dirty, the facade seemed unsanitary choice is so ideal: it’s the perfect place to kick Grab tickets and a fresh bucket of popcorn for the interviewer to a wrestling match, and except at best, but the local denizens were cascading back with a cup of coffee and a good book and you and your date and you’re in for a night to for once, he was totally wrong. So rather than in and out like bees at the honeycomb. Could to have a sophisticated conversation with your remember. you having to get bad advice from your own there be some value to this establishment, relatives, here are my Top Ten Interview Tips. I mused? Unbelievably, although they 1) Show up late. It’s so “last year” to show stole the mini-mart concept from our up on time. You should show up at least an hour, generous benefactors, Sodexho, the if not a whole day, late. By showing up late, you Catonsville townspeople improved upon let the interviewer know that you are too cool the original in many ways. 7-11’s prices for their company. Other people will want to are cheaper, often by a dollar or more, be as cool as you, so they will probably hire you their merchandise is more diverse, and, without even doing the interview. incredibly, their allotments are larger. B) Dress comfortably. If you’re comfortable, My date and I enjoyed submarine Italian the interviewer will be comfortable too. And sandwiches, potato chips, and “Big people like to be comfortable. Don’t skimp on Gulp” sodas for lunch. For desert, we the comfort factor. If you have to wear old pants dined on a local confection called pop- with holes in them or an old blanket instead of tarts. Delicious. a shirt, that’s even better. Clown noses count for Number 6 extra interview points towards your total score. Does your signifi cant other III) Dress hot. If you’ve spent a lot of time love fresh air, cheering crowds, and in the gym, and you’ve got a bod that you want wide open spaces? Do they enjoy the to show off, you might want to go for that drama and excitement of professional instead of comfortable. These days, it’s totally sporting events? Then the Yale Heights professional to go to an interview shirtless, if Little League Baseball Stadium is your you’re a guy. Women should dress for a night destination of choice. Located on the out at the club. It shows them that you’re hot, picturesque corner of Frederick Road and everybody wants to have hot coworkers. and Beachfi eld Avenue, the fi eld at Yale If it’s a phone interview, make sure to drop the Heights plays home to some of West link to your myspace profi le so they can see the Baltimore County’s most heated and hotness. competitive ball teams. The stands are 4) Hey, whoa, we’re at four already. packed with fans at every game, unlike Halfway to the end. Um, let’s see. If you can, the unoccupied bleachers at UMBC’s arrange a hilarious interruption by as many of athletic events. If you like to cheer and your friends as possible. Like, if they can all bust shout, you’ll fi t right in, though the other into the offi ce and set up an instant party with fans don’t seem to appreciate it when DJs and strobe lights and stuff like that, you’ll you direct obscenities at the players. probably get a signing bonus or something. It all Nonetheless, if you grab a twelve-pack goes back to that “cool factor.” of frosty barley-brews and wear your Sixth) Ben Franklin. No, not the guy who “Catonsville Ramrod’s” cap, you’re in suggested a turkey as our national bird. I’m talkin’ for a good time. money. A hundred dollar bill paper-clipped to Number 5 your resume never hurt anybody. Our number fi ve spot is fi lled by one G) Bring a six-pack. How awesome would of the most charming eateries in town: it be if the interviewer was like, “Man, I could The Spring Grove Hospital Cafeteria. really go for a beer right now, but I have to do Built in 1942, it was once a sophisticated this interview,” and then you showed up with social club for the local residents and some beers? I’m pretty sure they’d make you sported a swimming pool, a game room, president of the company. and a bowling alley. Although its heyday M.Perdomo [Retriever Staff] 10) So, I guess that’s it. It’s all I’ve got has long past and the bowling alley is Uptown Strip: Stroll along the classy streets of Catonsville and Arbutus with your sweetie. anyway. I mean, there’s little stuff you can do. now closed, the restaurant’s caretakers Like you can wear a lot of cologne or perfume make up for it with quality meals and a friendly partner. The Catonsville Public Library may Number 1 so you don’t stink. Make sure they can smell atmosphere. The food is served cafeteria style- not be Barnes and Noble, but its selection of Our last and favorite dating hotspot is you coming. And if you’re hungry, bring some -you wait in line behind other customers and Fear Street novels and romantic fi ction put the so popular that you’ll almost certainly need food to the interview. It’ll show them that you place your order at the counter, then grab a UMBC library to shame. In addition to their reservations to get in. Located on Frederick can multi-task. And if all else fails, just throw a seat while you wait for it to be prepared. Their exhaustive reading selection, they also have Road right in main street Catonsville, it fi t and refuse to leave until they offer you a job. meatloaf and roast chicken sandwich are both a a periodical room and children’s courtyard: blends in perfectly with the stone facades and Seriously, tantrums are the new black. good choice, though the restaurant’s real charm features sorely lacking in UMBC’s counterpart. warm atmosphere of Catonsville’s other local Good luck! And if you get a job, could you is its location. Surrounded by the open fi elds and Invite your loved one for a night at the library businesses. Friendly’s restaurant is truly a hook me up with something? I haven’t worked historic architecture of Spring Grove, it’s often and you might even be lucky enough to catch dining experience to be savored. Although you in months. best to eat outside where the local residents are one of their special lectures, like the upcoming might be partial to the dependable cooking at (For real resume and interview help, please more than happy to talk to you. “Trees Are Nice Story Time” and “Introduction UMBC’s Commons, you’ll fi nd that Friendly’s contact someone at the offi ces listed below.) Number 4 to the Internet.” cheeseburgers and curly fries are a plane above Submit your career questions to If baseball games and casual dining are too Number 2 the competition. If you feel like something [email protected]. uncultivated for you and your date, then we have A true “diamond in the rough” of the local more exotic, try their vegetable quesadillas or Sponsored by: just the solution. Located just off of Frederick community, our second favorite date takes sirloin steak tips, just a few of the selections that The Shriver Center: Connecting students Road, the Salem Evangelical Lutheran Church place at Hollywood Movie Theatre. The only you won’t fi nd available at UMBC. If a meal with internship, co-op, and service-learning is the ideal destination for couple’s who want to neighborhood theatre in Baltimore County to is more than you’re looking for, don’t despair. opportunities. Public Policy, 1st fl oor. temper the fl aming passions of their relationships burn down twice in the past twenty years, it’s Try wooing your date with their world-famous 410.455.2493, www.shrivercenter.org with a sense of moral responsibility. At Salem famed for its monolithic big screens, superior ice-cream sundaes instead. Even if that’s all you Career Services Center: Providing students Evangelical, you’ll fi nd a pleasant haven from the sound systems, and fi rst-rate projection. A little order, Friendly’s professional wait-staff will with career and job search skill development, debauchery and brazen indulgence of UMBC’s known treasure just outside of campus, the zip it out in a jiffy. But even during the short full and part-time job listings, on-campus irreverent dormitories. The perfect hang-out on Hollywood Theatre is actually located in Arbutus, wait, you’ll fi nd yourself enjoying the pleasant interviews, job fairs, and help with the graduate any Friday night, it’s romantically furnished with just a stone’s throw from campus. Rather than atmosphere. The clientele is sophisticated and school application process. Math/Psych 204, rigid wooden pews and fl ickering candles. You’ll drive, try taking a romantic stroll through the cosmopolitan and, on Saturdays, they have live 410.455.2216, [email protected], www.careers. fi nd that you and your companion can’t help neighborhood around Poplar Avenue and enjoy entertainment: clowns and magicians that will umbc.edu but hold hands during the stirring services and, the suburb’s famed dogwood trees. Before you both entertain and amaze. Truly, a date not to if the compulsion grabs you, there are plenty know it, you’ll be on the picturesque Arbutus be missed. of shadowy recesses for further, yet restrained main strip, lined with charming hideaways like THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April 3, 2007 Fluff n’ Stuff 25 Hollywood goes broke as celebrity auction to benefi t humanitarian efforts gets out of hand

not overly impress anybody who attended $500,000 when Angelina Jolie, determined Likewise, at the time same time, an anonymous MALISSA CARROLL (just your average Chanel gown wearing and not to have her hard-earned humanitarian witness stated that Oprah was seen sliding U2’s Retriever Weekly Gossip Columnist caviar serving event), the auction proved a reputation pulled out from under her, rushed autographed album under a place setting on controversial gossip-worthy occasion for all the auctioneer’s post in her sleek black Dolce the auction table to draw more attention to her Hollywood has always been the epicenter involved. & Gabana gown. After catching her breath, she luncheon placard, which had been sitting next of the world’s hottest trends. Everything from Celebrities who attended this event were offered to make out with any man willing to to it. teacup Chihuahuas to oversized handbags has asked to provide an item or two for the auction supercede the bid currently on the opportunity In the end, the auction did end up raising left its mark on this town, and this season has that they believed would sell for a high price to to stare into George Clooney’s eyes. Immediately, a substantial amount of money for all of the proven to be no exception. Recently, we’ve seen better benefi t the charities involved. Among the bids began fl ying across the room, some even charities involved (even through the sabotage Hollywood roll out the red carpet to embrace items up for bid were a luncheon with Oprah reaching as high as $1 million. This did not sit and other shady dealings that occurred there). the new trend of superfl uous humanitarianism herself, an autographed U2 album, a date well at all with Mr. Clooney, who stormed out However, even though their intentions may that appears to be overtaking the scene and with Brad Pitt (oddly enough volunteered for of the auction in a fi t of rage, but not before have been pure of heart, we once again played encouraging fabulously wealthy celebrities to auction by Angelina Jolie), and the opportunity fi lling his pockets of his classic Armani suit witness to the power of celebrity ego. Despite compete against one another for the coveted to gaze into George Clooney’s beautiful eyes for with shrimp from the buffet. all of the child-like behavior displayed by the title of Humanitarian of the Year. fi ve minutes. Each of these was to be auctioned While that may make it seem as though celebrities involved, Oprah did announce that In order to show her support for this off to the crowd by celebrity guest auctioneer A-list celebrities had hit a new low in trying to she is considering making this gala and auction cause, legendary talk show host Oprah Winfrey Tom Cruise (who had offered the chance to go keep up with the industry’s new trend, I can an annual event, though, perhaps next year, decided to hold a black tie gala event and furniture shopping – particularly for couches assure you that from there on out, things only she’ll be the sole provider of the items to be auction for some of her closest celebrity friends – with him). got worse. It was reported that Brad Pitt’s mom auctioned off. at the historic Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood, Not long after the auction began on April was the person who actually placed the winning California. Moreover, the proceeds of this 1, things started to get out of control. The $800,000 bid on a date with her son, after he Malissa Carroll is the Gossip Columnist for event were going to be divided among several opportunity to stare into George Clooney’s called her sulking since his part of the auction The Retriever Weekly and can be reached for signifi cant charities. While the gala itself did eyes for fi ve minutes was already surpassing was not going as well as he believed it should. comment at [email protected]. “I like the FedEx driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it.”

from HOLOGRAM, page 14. his technicians will be staying at a local Bed & ‘opotamuses, but it is requested that all of the For more information, check out Hedberg- Breakfast until later in the afternoon, when they people you can’t please all the time remain at Holo’s website at mitchalltogether1001110.com stocking stuffer, or Mitch’s cheese shredder, a.k.a. can be found at a more useful Chair, Lunch, home. For those that may be worried about safety or call the toll-free hotline, (222)-222-2222. Just sponge ruiner. Also available are dry-clean-only Dinner. Select members of the audience will be concerns, it has been announced by the road crew press 2 for awhile. (dirty) t-shirts and snake bite emergency repair invited back to the hotel after the show to help that nothing fl ammable with legs will be blocking kits. the Hedberg-Holo stay put. Additional guests a fi re exit and broken escalators will be provided as Samantha Jones’ fake plants died because she While the Mitch Hedberg Re-Created tour and friends at the performance are encouraged, stairs, though there is a possibility that the venue forgot to pretend water them. She can be reached for is in the UMBC area, the Hedberg-Holo and particularly ducks, beavers and really cool may be infested with koala bears. comment at [email protected]. Fluff: Asphalt Ma

ni froma SATELLITE, page 1.

suspicious persons. The campus police force is thoroughly committed to ensuring the safety of students during the weekend. So on your way to Get-Drunk-And-Ride-the-Bumper- Cars-Mania, watch your behavior to avoid ending up in the Police Log. SEB planners have their fi ngers crossed, hoping the weather won’t interfere with the It’s-Probably-Gonna-Rain-So-You-Won’t-Go-Anyway-Mania festivities, as it has in past years. Fortunately, the weather outlook seems positive. The Farmer’s Almanac says that the weekend of Quadmania will be sunny and warm with a small chance of showers. SEB member Aaron Sadtler was quoted as saying, “The annual festivities will be the highlight of the year, despite problems with location. We are confi dent that we will be able to put on a quality event.” SEB was forced to move The-Administration-Cares- More-About-Grass-Than-Students’-Social-Life-Mania because the grass on the Quad was revamped with a heavy price tag. Over the next few weeks in the Commons, students will be able to enter a raffl e to win backstage passes for the All American Rejects concert. Each ticket will cost $1 and students can purchase as many tickets as they want. The drawing will be held on the third fl oor of the Commons in room 382 on April 15 at 5 p.m. Five lucky students will win passes to the category: diffi cult The-Band’s-Playing-For-Free-But-We’re-Gonna-Charge-You-Regardless-Mania. category: awesome Kate Nunley is the Fluff n’ Stuff Editor for The Retriever Weekly and can be reached for comment at [email protected], but she will either ignore you or make fun of you. 26 Fluff n’ Stuff April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY

REFRESHMENTS FROM 6–6:30 P.M. PROGRAM BEGINS AT 6:30 P.M.

TO RSVP, VISIT: WWW.UMBC.EDU/ISD/FORUM THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April 3, 2007 Fluff n’ Stuff 27

40 YEARS OF INSPIRING AFRICAN-AMERICAN AND LATINO STUDENTS

APRIL 14, 2007 11 – 2 P.M. UMBC UNIVERSITY CENTER BALLROOM BRUNCH WILL BE SERVED

All are welcome to attend. Please rsvp to http://retrievernet.umbc.edu/ legendsofexcellence no later than Friday, March 30, 2007.

This event acknowledges the extraordinary individual contributions of faculty and staff who have been instrumental in the lives of UMBC’s African-American and Latino students over the past 40 years. This year’s award winners are:

MS. BETTY GLASCOE DR. ANA MARIA SCHWARTZ Former Director of Career Chair of Modern Languages Services Center and Linguistics

DR. DAPHNE HARRISON WITH A SPECIAL AWARD Professor Emeritus and former being presented to the National Chair of Africana Studies Society of Black Engineers, UMBC Chapter, in recognition MS. CYNTHIA M. HILL of its service to UMBC and Associate Provost the surrounding community, academic excellence and DR. ACKLYN LYNCH collaborative efforts. Professor Emeritus and former Chair of Africana Studies

Special performances by the Hispanic Latino Student Union, Agua Fria band and the UMBC Gospel Choir. Funds raised will support the Second Generation Scholarship and newly-created Esperanza Scholarship Fund, which recognize outstanding students who have demonstrated a commitment to the advancement of minorities. For information, contact Stanyell Bruce at 410-455-2632 or [email protected].

Volunteers Needed

Compensation paid to healthy female and male volunteers for donations of bone marrow for research efforts in such areas as cancer and other serious illnesses. • Ages 18 to 45 • In good health • Not engaged in high risk behaviors

Confidential interview and screening provided at our convenient Gaithersburg, MD office. Donations occur at our Bethesda, MD office by board certified physicians. Both locations are accessible by MetroRail and Metro Ride-On.

FINANCIAL COMPENSATION PROVIDED

For more information, or to schedule an appointment: TOLL FREE: (888) 926-9211 EMAIL: [email protected] 28 Fluff n’ Stuff April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April 3, 2007 29 Sports UMBC fencing team wards off pirate raid at Susquehanna

throw their empty rum bottles at BEN JAMIN & RUXPIN the building to bust down the doors Retriever Weekly Editorial Staff and break the windows but Zapesik (a.k.a. the Zapper) would catch the The UMBC fencing team warded off a completely random bottles within his wave of curly, pirate raid on Susquehanna dormitory last Tuesday. The team poofy hair. was minding their own business, practicing in the sunlight in “It was a tough and intense front of the dorm when a bunch of pirates gathered and started battle, very physical...but we yelling, screaming, and attacking the shrubs. They proceeded prevailed,” said Zapesik “I think I to attack the building and the fencing team next. Because they caught a peg leg in that last attack are highly skilled, the Retrievers had a great strategy to defend too.” against such a wicked and drunken foe. The once brave and bold pirates “The key was teamwork and double teaming the pirates. ran crying and screaming back As long as one of us parried, and the other stabbed, it was towards their air ship, the Pillar of fairly easy,” said Vice President Greg Zapisek. As the pirates August. The fencing team celebrated fell one by one, some of the fencer’s stopped to get a drink from by making “stabby stabby” motions the vending machines inside the dorm while the tired pirates towards the fl eeing pirates and Teh Falco [Who is Cool] fi nished off their rum. The rum seemed to refuel the pirates as basking in the cheers of the Sus Arrgh: Valiant fencing team defends Susquehanna. they magically rallied again and surged for the building. The residents. They then proceeded to Retrievers had little time to waste as they fi nished their Cokes feast on cookies and Hawaiian Punch a decree made by the President and the Provost, is also known and started their vicious stabbing and thrusting towards the in celebration of saving the l00tz. The pirates yelled various as the Anti-Pirate Recon and Attack force. They may hire crew of Captain John Longjohn Copperfi eld. expletives at the victorious fencing squad and vowed that one Jack Bauer to handle their paperwork. UMBC fencing’s next “Yar, those Sus students drop ph4t l00tz and we be day they would return to defeat them. The team returned battle is the BWCFC Championship against College Park, St. goin after more l00tz,” said fi rst mate Jack Ironbeard. The to practice as usual that day. Later in the week, the fencing Mary’s, George Washington, and other colleges in the league. battle became very intense when the pirates made a run for team was honored for their service in a ceremony held at the It’s on Sunday April 22 and you all should go. windows, but Alan Harris ferociously fought off the pirates Commons by President Hrabrowski. by posing with his silky blond hair that glistened so brightly, “I am so proud of the bravery and the dedication of our Ben Jamin would like to thank Ruxpin, a kind and hungry oh so brightly, in the sun that the pirates eyes were melted fencing team,” praised Hrabrowski, “I can’t thank them enough bear, for helping her out with the tedious construction of this and their assault was stopped. The pirates decided to try to for saving our preciouses.” The Retriever fencing squad, after article at 2:00 a.m. Monday morning. Hrabrowski beats Johnson in charity boxing royale Tournament. The tournament was held to “We were so happy to see the President the boxing tournament as something a BENNIE AND THE JETS raise money to support the elusive UMBC himself show so much support for athletics,” little different for the school. Retriever Weekly Editorial Staff football team and UMBC Athletics in said Brown. Ever since becoming the new “I really was excited for this,” said general. The tournament consisted of four number one cheerleader for the women’s President Hrabrowski, “I can’t believe I President Freeman Hrabrowski beat contenders: the President, Dr. Johnson, basketball team this year, President won, too.” The President beat Brown in Provost Arthur Johnson by knockout in Athletic Director Dr. Charles Brown, and Hrabrowski has been doing fundraisers all a grueling five rounds to make it to the the fifth round in the first annual UMBC the Vice President and Dean of Research over school to help out with the school’s Administrative Charity Boxing Royale and Graduate school Dr. Scott Bass. financial troubles. So he decided to have see JOHNSON, page 31. Athlete of the Week: Ashley Benitez “I don’t really have the “I was just trying to throw away the BENNY BOO BOO BOO opportunity to defend a fi eld hockey rest of my burrito,” said a UMBC student BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO net anymore, and for some reason, who preferred to remain anonymous. “It the lacrosse coaches didn’t take well to wasn’t wrapped very well, and I didn’t Junior Ashley Benitez wouldn’t let me randomly showing up and trying have enough nachos to scoop up the the simple fact that her team did not exist to fi ll in for their goalies at practices,” ingredients laying in the basket. The next anymore prevent her from capturing the Benitez said. thing I know, some girl catches my trash top athletic performance of the week. Instead, Benitez has taken to and throws it right back in my face.” Despite losing her job as goalkeeper aggressively rejecting all trash being Maintenance workers at the of the UMBC fi eld hockey team after the thrown into the receptacles by UMBC Commons have also complained, saying program was cut early this winter, Benitez students simply trying to discard the that they’re tired of the extra work created has remained dedicated to honing her remainder of their lunch. Benitez said by Benitez preventing students from craft, though she has had to make some that the angles taken by a hurrying using the trash cans. changes in her practice routine to remain student have proven even more diffi cult “Students trying to toss trash into sharp. to stop than many America East fi eld the cans have bad enough aim without Though accustomed to practicing hockey attacks, though she is learning [Benitez] throwing it all over the fl oor,” under the hot lights of UMBC Stadium, to read their footwork. one janitor admitted. Benitez has spent most of her time the Already, however, Benitez’s new To date, Benitez has stopped 78.3 last several months patrolling the trash training regimen has come under fi re percent of trash attempts, while allowing receptacles in the UMBC Commons. by students and faculty alike. a measly 4.6 soda cups per day. 30 Sports April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY 30: Our lineouts block out the sun

Katherine Abrahams [Retriever Staff] Kinda Ugly: Ogres play rugby, too.

from 30, page 36. that the Terrapins are nervous when they re-form. They sub in several of the biggest, ugliest players that UMBC has seen yet, ogre-like giants with protruding foreheads. No matter, the Captain thinks as he watches a teammate evade one. Another breaks through a tackle and hits one of the College Park players. A limb separates from a shoulder; the Captain is nearby as the blood rains down. From around him come between members of the College Park team. soaks the ground. Best of all, he remembers the feelings that resonating cracks, the sound of bones breaking, but UMBC When UMBC falls, the last man on the field is the come from seeing the player he’s just tackled fall and not pushes forward. The other side desperately releases ogres of Captain himself. The others, although they fought long and rise. And yet for all its violence, he and the team are happiest men, massive men, gnarled, ugly, and deformed beasts that hard, are finished, defeated, wounded and bleeding. The when they are working together as a unit, a machine, each hurtle through the front lines, ripping off ears, stepping on Captain feels defeated too, although not without having player well-placed and grinding on just as prescribed, each and shattering legs and arms. It is slaughter, but for glory. done all he can. It was a hard-fought match—perhaps one man a living shield for the next Terrapin defender to break Each UMBC player knows that the team is losing they were destined to lose—and he wonders if it hadn’t been and to shatter upon. ground when, briefly, the sun ducks behind a front that for College Park’s overwhelming, fresh ranks, if it could Just a game? the Captain wonders. A swell of pride has crept overhead. They are all tired. Bleeding. No one have turned out any other way? courses down the Captain’s back as he breathes his last has given up yet—the Captain would have been angry with He remembers and loves the sound of a man’s weight breath. His effort wasn’t for nothing. His men won’t return whoever had—but they have lost the lightness in their step, collapsing in on itself, the look of slow-dawning realization and neither will he, but the memory of them will live on. the strength behind their arms and in their backs. They’ve creeping over a face whose legs have just been wrapped lost sight of the ball, which is tossed back and forth lightly tightly and taken out. And yes, he loves the blood that now Translated from the Greek by Dilios of Sparta.

League Leaders

Men’s Lacrosse Baseball

GOALS GP No. ASSISTS PER GAME GP No. BATTING AVERAGE HOME RUNS Andy Gallagher-UMBC 7 50 Drew Westervelt-UMBC 7 52 Will Delawter, UMBC .836 Joe Fowler, UMBC 47 Cayle Ratcliffe-UMBC 7 50 Andy Gallagher-UMBC 7 34 Steve Gale, UMBC .801 Scott Peddicord, UMBC 32 Terry Kimener-UMBC 7 37 Terry Kimener-UMBC 7 27 Steve Bowen, UMBC .787 Will Delawter, UMBC 21 Alex Hopmann-UMBC 7 25 Alex Hopmann-UMBC 7 22 Mike Scheffel, UMBC .750 Steven Bowen, UMBC 17 Drew Westervelt-UMBC 7 25 Kyle Wimer-UMBC 7 20 Scott Peddicord, UMBC .659 Steve Gale, UMBC 12

Women’s Lacrosse Softball

GOALS GP No. ASSISTS PER GAME GP No. BATTING AVERAGE HOME RUNS Kara Dorr-UMBC 7 43 Jen Kasper-UMBC 7 37 Melani Denischuk, UMBC .947 Melani Denischuk, UMBC 63 Ali Levendusky-UMBC 7 40 Ali Levendusky-UMBC 7 29 Krissy Licursi, UMBC .821 Amanda Fefel, UMBC 37 Kelly Fahey-UMBC 7 37 Kelly Fahey-UMBC 7 27 Ashley Gray, UMBC .742 Ashley Gray, UMBC 29 Abbey Swift-UMBC 7 32 Megan Cook-UMBC 7 19 Amanda Fefel, UMBC .736 Dana Shepherd, UMBC 24 Amanda Gable-UMBC 7 22 Amanda Gable-UMBC 7 13 Kristi Troster, UMBC .702 Kali Shirk, UMBC 18 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April 3, 2007 Sports 31 Johnson broken and bloodied for charity

from HRABOWSKI, page 29. Random Stuff The last round was a complete opposite; Hrabrowski got a pep talk by one of the Meyerhoff students and went final. Dr. Johnson won in the first round with a left hook to back into the ring as a raging bull. Johnson had no chance Wrap Up knockout Dr. Bass in his bout. But he knew that Hrabowski from the barrage of punches from the President as he had would be no cupcake. to block most of the time. While Johnson did fine opening, “I know the President has a knack for boxing,” said his short reach couldn’t compare to the President’s bop and Johnson, “He practices all the time in the depths of the Fine weave in the ring. Hrabrowski landed the knockout punch THE BEAR Arts building because it’s so cozy.” The first round started with 10.234 seconds left in the round that made Johnson off really slow, seeing as how both fighters pranced around fall flat on his back. the ring and threw one or two jabs. The unprecedented The tourney made about 165,000 dollars on ticket Lord of The Rings: Total crowd of 35,000 fans were booing and hissing, demanding sales alone and about 175,000 dollars in concession sales. an exciting fight. However, the cash didn’t even make a dent in the athletic sausage fest? The next two rounds were more of the same, with department’s debt, so more charity tournements are on In comparing Tolkien’s Lord of The Hrabrowski giving a speech for the new students and the way such as ping pong, racquetball, horse shoes, and a Rings to Athurian legends, in the context Johnson drawing charts. The fans decided then to throw campus wide LAN party for those stuck playing WoW all of the number of important female leads, it everything and their mom. And yes, a flying woman was day. becomes apparent that Lord of The Rings is a spotted speeding for the ring. She clanked Johnson in the total sausage fest. There are three women who head. Oh Bennie she’s really keen have prominent parts (Arwen, Gladriel, and The fourth round was when the action started and She’s got electric boots a mohair suit Eowyn), and all of them had to be played up Johnson had Hrabrowski on the ropes. Punches were flying You know I read it in a magaziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine for the movies. To compare three women to left and right at Hrabrowski and all he could do was dodge Oh oh... the countless thousands of (presumably) male the fist of fury from Johnson. Hrabrowski was saved by the B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets hobbits, humans, orcs, and elves, Lord of the bell as the round ended with him cowering almost in the Rings has more sausage than a German gay bar corner from the onslaught that was Johnson’s fist. during happy hour. As a reputed expert on Lord of The Rings, Mr. Eric, said, “[Tolkien gives] more description to the trees in the old forests than [he does] in naming the women.” There are indeed more than three women in Lord of The Rings. Rather, it is estimated there are five. I dare this to make less sense!

Linux: It’s a video game I had just finished playing God of War 2 when I heard one of my roommates screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs. “What’s wrong?” I yelled from the couch as Kratos drove the sword of Olympus into the heart of Zeus, ending his existence and opening the game series for a sequel. “This [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] of a [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] won’t [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]! [expletive]!!!” I was intrigued. It certainly couldn’t be one of his classes, as it would normally involve less expletives. Could it be that he was playing a video game? I poked my head into the room to look at his screen, only to find nothing but black and white text on his aging laptop Mouse [Wiiiiiii!] screen. What kind of game was this? Shoryuken: The Prez and Art looked evenly matched in the beginning.

Basketball seniors seek extra year of eligibility

last week. “They deserve the opportunity to “We just want another shot,” said guidelines. If acted upon, it is believed the BENJAMIN go out and repeat as conference champions Rohde, captain of the team. “We played hard ruling would be the first of its kind to offer Retriever Weekly Editorial Staff next year, and maybe even make a run in the versus Connecticut and we gained a great a fifth year of eligibility to a student athlete tournament.” deal of exposure for this school on a national who did not have a season of play interrupted Four members of the America East After a mediocre regular season, the stage. All we’re asking is for the NCAA to by injury. Champion lady Retrievers basketball team women’s basketball team went into the look the other way and let us play pretty UMBC president Dr. Freeman drafted a formal petition to the NCAA America East Conference tournament as the much as long as we want.” Hrabowski, who has recently become the Competition Committee late last week, seventh seed, and few expected the squad to Phil Stern, head coach of the women’s basketball team’s biggest cheerleader, publicly requesting an unprecedented fifth year of make much noise. basketball team, doesn’t think that his announced his support of the petition in a athletic eligibility. The ladies responded in historic players’ request is that outlandish. press conference Monday morning. Seniors Sharri Rohde, Brittnie Hughes, proportions, however, defeating the top “In all seriousness, they work their butts “It is a bold move made by our ladies,” Heather Luttrell and Nicole Dixon originally three seeds in the conference to take the off,” Stern said. “I think their play down the Hrawbowski said. “As far as I am concerned, approached UMBC athletic director AEC crown. The three straight wins were stretch has earned them an extra year. Heck, they can stay at UMBC for as long as they Dr. Charles Brown about the petition the first AEC tournament victories for the I don’t see why they should ever be forced wish, so long as their tuition checks continue following their first-round loss in the NCAA lady Retrievers. off the team.” to clear.” tournament to #1 seeded Connecticut. The “The positives are endless, should NCAA officials declined to officially tournament berth was the first of any kind these four young ladies be able to stay for comment, but sources close to the subject You know it’s all about Benjamin, baby. for a UMBC Division I basketball team. next season and beyond,” Brown said. “I have suggested that UMBC’s petition is “Those ladies really played hard in getting mean, think of the money we could save on being carefully considered under a special us to the big dance,” Brown commented late recruiting.” circumstances clause in the eligibility 32 Sports April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Secret Lives of the Pep Band [Compiled by Pete Cailloux]

Colles Price - Tenner Paul Swenson - Mellphone Matt Basch - Drums Amanda Schwenk- Clarinet A cynical person by day and a robotic ninja samurai One of the lackies of The Retriever Weekly tech staff Is really the tech staff dictator of TRW. His real name is In secret is a six-time Olympic gold medalist and three- that goes around via van solving crimes with his that brings a message of peace: “Bizarro I love you.” Senor Estaban Satanomopombo III and he whips his time World Champion fi gure skater for the UMBC buddies by night, snacking on Scooby Snacks. lackies quite often if an error occurs. Ice Skating Team.

Kelli McDonough - Mellophone Paul Wetzstein - Trombone Cheryl Knott- Flute Megan Schober - Baritone A secret Broadway actress who is currently starring as Simply put, he is a ninja. He may just be UMBC’s Is actually Anita Mandahugenkis, a world renowned A secret assassin for the Chinese Mafi a; Megan is also Dorothy in “Whirlwind: Dorothy’s hardknock life newest mascot in the near future. I think he is applying explorer who is mapping out new islands in the on the FBI’s most wanted list. after Oz”. for the job. Caribbean.

George Rachis - Conductor, Player Megan Shook - Piccolo Pete Cailloux - Trumpet Amber Norfolk - Clarinet (aka Georgalicious) Is really a ladies man that has Is known as The Alienator, destroying opponents’ pep Is really known as Frangelico Magic Hands, an expert Is really a chef to the stars like Brad Pitt, Cameron women left and right and knows how to conduct a bands with a piccolo that turns into a bazooka when masseuse who gives divine massages; his skills improve Diaz, and Hugh Jackman, but was fi red by Nicole club full of hot chicks. she plays “You can call me Al.” every millisecond. Richie for some odd reason.

Curt Condyles -Tuba Kate Falco - Alto Sax Jacob Jensen - Clarinet Jari - Conductor He was injected with Retriever DNA that fused with She’s really a Greek goddess sent back in a time Is really a super excited monkey who lost most of his Is really a monk in his spare time that does recon his own, thus making him able to bark in the famous machine to live among us mortals. She is awesome. fur in a mysterious explosion in the Biology Building. missions as an agent for the U.S. government. Any UMBC cheer every basketball game. And SEXAY! more info and I would have to be shot. 35 Sports April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY 34 April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Classifi eds

EMPLOYMENT PT undergraduate students needed to do miscellaneous offi ce tasks at our Ellicott City offi ce. Pay is $15/hour. Please send resumes to JRecord@Corn THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY erstoneFinance. US Immediate in home childcare needed 15-20 hours a week, fl exible hours, University Center 214 some morning availability preferred. Will watch 1-3 children depending on 1000 Hilltop Circle day & time. $10/hour. Contact Barbara Baltimore, MD 21250 at 410 536-5155. (410) 455-1260 Delivery driver wanted: use own vehicle/ safe residential areas Mon.-Fri. 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. evngs, wkends 410-242-5086 Classifi eds may be placed online by Telemarketing: going to www.universaladvertising.com Work from home, fundraising sales , no pressure selling Easy $$ 410-242-5086

REAL ESTATE-Get your license in 8 sessions. On the job training. Call Club Notices Georgia Resch, Long & Foster Ellicott 30 words free per week! City. 410-418-8148 EOE. in section 100-ANNOUNCEMENTS CLUB Students for Environmental Awareness email [email protected] (SEA) weekly meetings held Mondays at Free Hour (12-1) in the Student Org Space, 2nd fl oor of the Commons. We think global and act local!

Peace Corps on campus Stop by the Peace Corps table at this years UMBC Diversity Career Fair to find out how you can make a difference as a Peace Corps Volunteer.

Peace Corps. Wednesday, April 4

Life is calling. How far will you go? University Center Ballroom - Lounge 11:30 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.

800.424.8580 For more information, contact: www.peacecorps.gov [email protected] THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY April 3, 2007 Sports 35

GENUINE MESSAGE FROM THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY

A Note of Appreciation The Retriever Weekly would like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have helped us in our successful fi nancial endeavours. We would like to extend our warmest regards to Myrle Combs, Dr. Patty Perillo, Patricia Damm, Frederick Meyers, Dr. Charlie Fey, and Jasmine Zacharias. Without their work, our paper would not be where it is fi nancially today. We would also like to thank those whom we aim to serve in the production of this paper: the UMBC student and faculty. We appreciate your active participation and readership. We hope that this spring brings a wonderful and fruitful time for all of us.

With best wishes, The Retriever Weekly staff )HAVEDIARREHAAND)LOVEIT9OUCANHAVEITTOOIFYOUEATATTHE#OMMONS TANNING

per month $17.7st 7 New Clients 1 Tan FREE 60-Second Mystic Spray-On Tan UMBC Campus Cards & JamaicanMeTan Red Card Discounts East Drive Shopping Center (across from Super Fresh) 5201 East Drive • Arbutus, MD 21227 Accepted 410-242-5828

Jest for Fun! Annual Spring Carnival Wednesday, May 2nd 12PM-2PM UC Plaza & The Commons* *Rain location

Sponsored by: Off-Campus & Transfer Student Services, Commuter Assistants Team and participating UMBC organizations 36 April 3, 2007 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY INSIDE

Why is the rum gone?31 No really, why is the rum gone?32 Sports Oh, found it!33 Three basketball players may replace American Idol judges next season

new faces on the show,” BENNY said Fuller. “Those girls Retriever Weekly Editorial Staff were exactly what we were looking for.” Paula, Randy, You read that headline correctly. and Simon were unavailable Brittanie Hughes, Sharri Rohde, and for comment as they were Amanda Robinson might replace rumored to be sitting in the Simon, Randy, and Paula next season corner of the dressing rooms on American Idol. If the petitioning eating gallons of Haagen- of NCAA for an extra fi fth year Dazs ice cream and crying doesn’t pan out, the three will be their eyes out. Benny, Mike, and Falco [Retriever Staff] the new judges on the top rated Fox During their bus ride up Dream Team: Hughes, Rohde and Robinson will try to add humor to American Idol. show. Executive producer Simon to Hartford in an awful snow Fuller personally contacted the trio storm, the team bus broke down by eye of an Idol representative whose However, Robinson is still a Retrievers make another run for the by phone. the exit 11 rest stop on the New Jersey car broke down in the snow. The rep member of the UMBC basketball NCAA tournament next year. “We are so excited about this Turnpike. They took refuge from the called Simon Fuller on speed dial and team, as she will be playing her The announcement of the new great opportunity,” said Rohde, “It cold at the rest stop and had to wait let him listen in on the competition. senior year of basketball next season. judging trio will be made during will be fun to be on national television about three hours for another bus Fuller wanted to sign them right The NCAA is working out a deal the season fi nale of American Idol again.” Fuller sacked the original to come. During those three hours, away. with Fuller, saying Robinson will be in May. The old judges will also be judging team of Randy Jackson, the team entertained themselves and “Britt and Sharri were present for all games and practices bid the show farewell as they start the Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell due guests at the rest stop with a mock wonderful judges,” praised Fuller. during the fi rst few stages of Idol. search for a new job. to their inability to be funny, witty, American Idol Competition. “And Amanda had such a wonderful Also, the NCAA is making an and properly judge a competition. “I was Paula,” said Hughes. “I performance, we had to bring her on exception for Robinson because she Benny would like to give a thanks The original judges will fi nish out the know Sharri was Simon. Everyone board as well.” Robinson stood in as is “just so gosh darn cute” and well, to teh Falco who is awsome for helping current season, but were informed by went to Hollywood.” a performer during the competition. because they can. A celebrity judge her out with photoshopping. Benny also a small offi ce memo that they needed Hughes and Rohde were so Her performance proved that she will be present for all the shows that likes chocolate and the color pink, as to leave the show. wonderful at judging the talents of knows good talent and could easily Robinson will miss. They can make well as red and white. “We were looking for fresh their teammates that they caught the judge a show such as Idol. exceptions, especially when the Madness? This is UMBC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the thirty players hunkered over across suburbia to confront the leader bends down to touch the three times UMBC’s own. KATHERINE ABRAHAMS in the early hours of day need. College Park Terrapins. They arrive soil, drawing it between his fingers Once both teams have Spartan Graphic Novel Analyst Thirty men with their worn black and throw down their raiment in to feel the grit. He nods. They gathered, the Captain senses that uniforms and leather balls. small piles. know it will begin soon as they hear his men are nervous, but there is It is a morning of grey clouds. The men come to the Their captain jogs out onto the earth begin to quake. A horde no room for softness, weakness. Saturday in March. Bright sun battlefield—a flat expanse of earth the field, breathes, moves his legs. of College Park Terrapins steadily “UMBC,” he rumbles, “we have breaking intermittently through, barren parched from winter at the The rest of the men follow and the approach, their footsteps like descended from No-Necks. Taught giving hope. Hope, the one thing end of their 30 mile trek south movement feels right, good. Their thunder over a plain with numbers never to retreat, never to surrender. Taught that death in the battlefield is the greatest glory one could ever achieve in his life.” His men watch the assembled College Park team, massive, and feel the ground rumble. “Don’t worry,” he adds. “Tonight we dine in hell!” As always, College Park underestimates a team who has brought so few men. But, the Captain reflects, they never remember that it is not the numbers, but the experience and the spirit that matters. A UMBC rugger is worth two of every College Park player, but nobody realizes this until the first half expires and UMBC still breaks their ranks with unwavering energy. Even though UMBC will not score a single point this game, by the second half, the Captain can see Katherine, who is awesome! [Retriever Staff] Kinda Scary: Turns out, the UMBC rugby team is actually a band of Spartan warriors. see 30, page 30.