INSIDE Volume 41, Issue 22 1000 Hilltop Circle, Baltimore, MD 21250 December 25, 2087 News 02 OIT Bans World of Warcraft! the Engineering Building
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THIS IS SPARTAAA! We will write in the shade. INSIDE Volume 41, Issue 22 1000 Hilltop Circle, Baltimore, MD 21250 December 25, 2087 News 02 OIT bans World of Warcraft! the Engineering building. BRIAN WHIPPO On February 7, the fi rst Internet Fun-Killer outage occurred when a squirrel Kool Kids Kare, Cup- that had run into the Public cakes, Debt, and a In response to multiple brief Policy building bit into the power former editor might power interruptions earlier in the cable of the 866MHz computer be dead in China. semester, the Offi ce of Information there, causing a short circuit and Technology (OIT) announced tripping the breaker for the room. Friday that it will be enacting The momentary power disruption Zealots 08 a campus-wide ban World of brought all campus network Warcraft (WoW). OIT is also services to a halt. The squirrel was exploring other options to prevent electrocuted and died instantly. future power outages, but will After replacing the damaged enforce the ban starting Monday, power cable, OIT assumed that the April 9. incident was a fl uke. Two weeks According to Director of later, though, a second squirrel Infrastructure and Support Michael darted into the Engineering We’ll soon take over Carlin, the outages were part of building, chased frantically by the world. an elaborate domino effect set off OIT staff. Within seconds it by tremendous bandwidth usage chomped down on the power in the residence halls and campus cable of the 1000MHz computer apartments. The end effect of these stationed there and a similar power outages was hours of downtime for disruption occurred. Fluff 18 myUMBC, Blackboard, UMBC Biology Department Chair email, and PeopleSoft, among other Lasse Lindahl was speechless when network services. All are served by confronted with the idea that heavy two Pentium III-based Compaq internet traffi c had caused erratic computers, one in the Public behavior in UMBC’s squirrel Policy building and the other in see WARCRAFT, page 3 Here’s a picture of Indiana Jones. What do you want from us? Elfgurl [24 Night Elf hunter] Get outta here! Disconnected: A full ban on World of Warcraft will take effect next week because the game caused erratic squirrel behavior and power outages. Sports 31 Satellite Lot Mania! chosen for its larger space approximately $120,000 and distance from residential each year to put on KATE NUNLEY housing. In the past, local Quadmania. They expect First Lady of Fluff residents in Catonsville and to raise nearly $60,000 Arbutus have complained from various vendors and The Student Events about the noise from the ticket sales. The rest of the RETRIEVER Board (SEB) has confi rmed Asphalt-Mania festivities. money comes from the Boxing Royale and that Quadmania will in The Satellite Lot has Student Activity Fee that Rules don’t apply to vs. fact be held on the Satellite been the bane of residential everyone pays along with winners. Lot, instead of Lot #17 freshmen students for the their tuition. as previously reported. past fi ve years. Freshman Last year, the primary Buses will be provided to students are required to vendor was Rockstar Energy shuttle students to the lot. park in the Satellite Lot on Drink. SEB informed The Additional parking will be Monday through Fridays Retriever that for Arbutus- available on South Campus from 9 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Mania 2007, free Redbull for students who choose Students have complained and Easy Mac will be NINJA to drive themselves. This repeatedly of unreliable distributed throughout the will not affect the price of transportation to and from day. vs. ticketing, which will remain the lot. In the days leading Students should Newsroom ........... 410.455.1260 $10. up to Quadmania, freshmen exercise caution, as there Advertising .......... 410.455.1261 In fact, Lot #17 is will be required to remove will be random checkpoints Editor in Chief ...... 410.455.1262 baltimoresun.com [we stole this] actually the meeting place their cars from the lot back throughout the campus, Business Fax ....... 410.455.1265 Ninjas: A better mascot than this On the Web ........... trw.umbc.edu damned dog. for students to take buses to to the main campus so that where police will be issuing Satellite-Lot-Mania. Buses vendors and rides can be set Breathalyzer tests to any ETRIEVER see STORY, page 2 or 3 or 5 or will run on April 20, 21 and up. see STORY, page 19. RTHE WEEKLY PIRATE something... 22. The Satellite Lot was SEB spends 2 News December 25, 2087 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY Foreign Desk News Briefs: Lost in China!! Don’t let it happen to you... Carrie actually a “Man” Ian Lodgson, former hieroglyphs here too. One of them illustrates a monkey shooting tiny Opinion Editor for the Retriever darts at a human fi gure. Another shows a monkey ripping the arm off Weekly, departed for a study a human, smashing the skull of the human with it, and then using the University Health Services abroad program in China this fi ngers to scratch its back. Horrifying. released the results of the semester with the promise of a I now understand why there are no humans here. I have become UMBC SGA President’s foreign desk article each week. stranded in some sort of forbidden killer-monkey zone. And they know required annual physical last But save for one drunken phone I am here. I must prepare for the coming battle. week. According to the report, call, each week’s production SGA President Carrie Mann came and went with nary a was in top physical condition. word heard from Ian. DAY 4: I have spent the morning fashioning a spear from There was nothing unusual until That was three months a bamboo sapling outside the cave. My pockets are full of rocks, ready to one read into the footnotes of ago. We feared the worst had be thrown from a sling I crafted out of my blood-soaked, tattered shirt. I the report on page 15, wherein happened – Ian had been covered my body in mud down by the river to mask my scent. it stated that Mann was found arrested by the authorities and I plan to draw the monkeys to the wreckage of the crashed plane. I to have a Y chromosome. One was now locked in the darkest have created a champagne-soaked fuse by tying together strips of plane Senator stated that Mann has recesses of a Chinese gulag, Toby McQuire [Spiderman] seat cloth, leading to the remaining jet fuel tank. I will kill as many been “acting tougher” during receiving horrible torture and Also Lost: Jimmy the stock boy. monkeys as I can, and then I will fall back and detonate the fuel. My cave meetings, and according to interrogation by the communist will serve as “the Alamo,” the last defense. unconfirmed rumors, has government. I do not believe I will survive the coming onslaught. I do not know been angrily cornering and The newspaper’s senior staff held an emergency meeting. Using what if these writings will make it back to UMBC, but if there is even a remote challenging a lot of her male little money the SGA had allocated us for travel, we decided that there was chance that my misfortune could serve as a warning to future travelers, counterparts to arm wrestling room in the budget for one man to go to China... just one. After a strenuous then my death will not be in vain. contests. The President could vote, we decided that that man was Jimmy, the stock-boy. He ate rarely, was I can hear the monkeys coming. The sound of their hollering is not be reached for a reaction swift and limber, like a cheetah, and watched copious amounts of hentai. deafening. There must be thousands. I must go to face my destiny. to this report. He was the ideal person to handle the savageries of that mysterious land. Now, we fear Jimmy may have suffered the same fate as Ian. We heard nothing from the brave stock-boy until a few days ago. A package was LATER: This may be my last chance to write... I’ve fallen delivered to us containing a blurry photograph and a series of schizophrenic back to the Alamo... detonated the fuel... I’ve killed... at least 400 ramblings written on yellowed, water-damaged notebook paper. The last monkeys... but they keep coming... I’ve been impaled through the gut Steroid probe reaches few entries appear to be written in blood. We have printed them here for with a spear... shot with numerous poison darts... oooh... going dark... the public benefi t. must... keep writing... chess team I can feel... the poison... coursing through my veins... oooh... tell Mark Croatti I love him... According to recent DAY 1: I am writing this as a record because I don’t think national reports, at least one I’m going to make it out of here. My fate appears to be more sealed as-of-yet unnamed member with each passing hour. If I die out here, someone needs to know what DAY 5: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH WE ARE of the UMBC chess team will happened. soon be indicted on charges of My plane broke apart after suffering explosive decompression over THE MONKEYS. WE HAVE ALREADY KILLED ONE OF YOU. possession and use of human the Chinese wilderness. I fell to the ground, strapped into a seat in the growth hormone. According tail section, landing roughly in a forested riverbed. I believe I am the only THE BUDDHIST TEACHINGS HAVE ENDOWED US WITH to reports, this member of the survivor.