Vol. 19 Issue 21 WHY SOME BOOKS ARE NEVER
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Vol. 19 Issue 21 All Rights Reserved © 2021 WHY SOME BOOKS ARE NEVER PUBLISHED Bad lines from bad books ...They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. ...John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. ... He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. ... Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. ... Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. ...The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. ...He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphori- cal lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. ...The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. ...Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - [email protected] - 480.983.9143 I LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD SO BAD THAT YOU CAN GET SHOT WHILE GETTING SHOT – CHRIS ROCK Fred: My great grandfather, an avid golfer his whole life, claimed he watched America win an Olympic gold medal for golf. I don’t remember golf ever being a featured sport. What gives? Signed, Sandy Traps. Dear Sandy: Golf was an Olympic event only twice, once in LIFE IS GOD’S NOVEL. LET HIM WRITE IT 1900 and again in 1904. They tried again in 1908, but no one showed up. The first time out it featured both a men and women’s event (the first time women had ever competed in the Olympics). But a scant 4 years later it had been pared back to a men’s only competition. The 1904 Olympic games included a putting contest. In 1900, the men played two rounds (36 holes), summing the scores. The women played half a round (9 holes). In 1904, the men played match play. In the 1900 games, the USA came in first in both the men and women’s events. In 1904, a Canadian gentleman by the name of George Lyon, in a match called ‘the greatest golf tournament ever held in America, won the gold medal. Lyon, then in his forties, accepted his trophy by walking down the path to the ceremony on his hands. NEVER BE AFRAID TO TRUST AN UNKNOWN FUTURE TO A KNOWN GOD - CORRIE TEN BOOM WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN A man died and went to heaven. An angel was showing him around. The two walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. The man’s guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received" The area was terribly busy with many angels writing out peti- tions sent from people all over the world. Other angels sorted these requests into huge stacks. Then the pair moved on down a long corridor reaching a sec- ond section. The angel then said, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the persons who asked for them." Again the area was very busy, with many angels working hard, packaging and delivering the many blessings that had been requested. Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor the man and the angel stopped at the door of a very small room. To his great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," the angel quietly ad- mitted. He seemed embarrassed. "How is it that there's no work going on here?" I asked. "So sad," the angel sighed. "After people re- ceive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back their thanks." I’M IN DESPERATE NEED OF A 6-MONTH VACATION, TWICE A YEAR GOD IS SELDOM EARLY BUT NEVER LATE I LOVE MY COMPUTER BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS LIVE INSIDE IT THE LORD YOUR GOD IS IN YOUR MIDST, A MIGHTY ONE WHO WILL SAVE MY TOASTER HAS TWO SETTINGS: TOO SOON OR TOO LATE WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE OUR GREATEST FEAR SHOULD NOT BE OF FAILURE BUT OF SUCCEEDING AT THINGS IN LIFE THAT DON’T REALLY MATTER 1. LAW: What is the subject matter of the Seventh Amend- ment to the U.S. Constitution? 2. HISTORY: What was the bloodiest single-day battle of America's Civil War? 3. MEDICAL: What is a common name for somnambu- SIN RARELY SEEMS SIN AT FIRST lism? 4. GEOGRAPHY: What is the capital of British Columbia in Canada? 5. MUSIC: What was Elvis Presley's last No. 1 hit? 6. SCIENCE: Which two elements on the Periodic Table are liquid at standard room temperature? 7. U.S. PRESIDENTS: Which president had the most chil- dren? 8. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What is the Pritzker Prize given for? 9. LITERATURE: Which novel was the first to feature a place called King's Landing? 10. TELEVISION: Which animated TV character's favorite expression was "Hokey Smokes!"? 7. John Tyler (15 children by by children (15 Tyler John 7. (c) 2021 King Features Synd., Inc. Synd., Features King 2021 (c) Show" Bullwinkle bromine and Mercury 6. 10. Rocky Squirrel on "The "The on Squirrel Rocky 10. Minds" "Suspicious 5. Fire" and Ice Victoria 4. first in a series called "A Song of of Song "A called series a in first Sleepwalking 3. 9. "A Game of Thrones," the the Thrones," of Game "A 9. Antietam 2. chitecture cases 8. Lifetime achievement in ar- in achievement Lifetime 8. civil in jury by trial of Right 1. wives) two .,Answers MY LEGS ARE SO SORE FROM THE GYM THAT I ALMOST COULDN’T WALK TO THE DONUT SHOP – BILL MURRAY YOUR POTENTIAL IS THE SUM OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES GOD HAS FOR YOUR LIFE - CHARLES STANLEY FOUND INSIDE A FORTUNE COOKIE: ‘WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY!’ * The rarest shape for a human nose is the bulbous type, exemplified by former U.S. President Bill Clinton. * Smuggling a cat out of ancient Egypt was punishable by death. * A variety of corn grown in Peru has kernels so large that they're eaten individually. * After impressionist painter Claude Monet developed cata- racts, he agreed to have surgery on his right eye only. It is be- lieved that afterwards he could see and paint a wide spectrum of colors usually not seen by the human eye. ‘BE STRONG’, I WHISPERED TO MY WIFI SIGNAL * Dinosaurs often swallowed large rocks, which stayed in their stomachs and helped them grind up food. * One in 23 million people have an allergy to water. * In 1631, royal printers Robert Barker and Martin Lucas pub- lished a Bible containing the typo "Thou Shalt Commit Adul- tery." As if that weren't embarrassing enough, another mis- print, in Deuteronomy, substituted the word "greatnesse" with "great-asse." Barker and Lucas were fined 300 pounds and lost their printing license. Less than a dozen copies of what came to be known as the "Wicked," "Sinful" and "Adulterous" Bible are known to exist today and are highly prized by collectors. * On average, a person's eyes make 15 to 30 gallons of tears a year. * A rainbow's arc is relative to the position of the person ob- serving it, so it is impossible for two people to actually see the exact same one. * The air around a lightning bolt is five times hotter than the surface of the sun. * While rare, there have been enough reported cases of strokes triggered by spa massage treatments that the medical community has nicknamed the phe- nomenon "beauty parlor stroke syndrome." * Altocalciphilia is a fetish for high heels. Thought for the Day: "Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in." -- Bill Bradley (c) 2021 King Features Synd., Inc. .