This Corpus Includes Transcripts of First Ten Episodes of the TV Series Friends and the Big Bang Theory

Home , Howard Wolowitz, How About This, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Sheldon Leonard, The Big Bang Theory

This corpus includes transcripts of first ten episodes of the TV series Friends and The Big Bang Theory. All compound words taken into account for the analysis are highlighted in colour. The colour code is based on word class of compounds and can be found below. The criteria for this classification are all described in the thesis. NOUN ADJECTIVE VERB ADVERB PHRASE

The Big Bang Theory 1. The Pilot Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.

Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it‘s unobserved it will, however, if it‘s observed after it‘s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.

Leonard: Agreed, what‘s your point?

Sheldon: There‘s no point, I just think it‘s a good idea for a tee-shirt.

Leonard (to receptionist): Excuse me?

Receptionist (pondering a crossword): Hang on.

(Long pause)

Leonard: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc‘s capital idea, that‘s Port-au-Prince. Haiti.

Receptionist: Can I help you?

Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the… High IQ sperm bank?

Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn‘t be here.

Sheldon: I think this is the place.

Receptionist: Fill these out.

Leonard: Thank-you. We‘ll be right back.

Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I‘ll just finish my crosswordpuzzle. Oh wait.

(They sit and begin to fill in forms).

Sheldon: Leonard, I don‘t think I can do this.

Leonard: What, are you kidding? You‘re a semi-pro.

Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There‘s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidthin the apartment.

Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there‘s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn‘t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.

Leonard: I‘m sure she‘ll still love him.

Sheldon: I wouldn‘t.

Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?

Sheldon: I want to leave.

Leonard: Okay.

Sheldon: What‘s the protocol for leaving?

Leonard: I don‘t know, I‘ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.

Sheldon: Let‘s try just walking out.

Leonard: Okay.

(They slowly put down their forms, get up, and head towards the door.)

Receptionist (not looking up): Bye.

Together: Bye-bye/see you.

Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.

Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?

Leonard: Not really.

Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, people will trip.

Leonard: I don‘t care. Two millimetres? That doesn‘t seem right.

Sheldon: No, it‘s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?

Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.

(Leonard spots Penny in the doorway of the apartment opposite. He is immediately

3 interested.)

Leonard: New neighbour?

Sheldon: Evidently.

Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.

Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.

Penny (noticing them for the first time): Oh, hi!

Leonard: Hi.

Sheldon: Hi.

Leonard: Hi.

Sheldon: Hi.

Penny: Hi?

Leonard: We don‘t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.

Penny: Oh, that‘s nice.

Leonard: Oh… uh… no… we don‘t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexualbedrooms.

Penny: Oh, okay, well, guess I‘m your new neighbour, Penny.

Leonard: Leonard, (pointing) Sheldon.

Penny: Hi.

Leonard: Hi.

Sheldon: Hi.

Penny: Hi.

Leonard: Hi. Well… uh… oh, welcome to the building.

Penny: Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime.

Leonard: Oh, great.

Penny: Great.

Sheldon: Great.

Leonard: Great. Well, bye.

Penny: Bye.

Sheldon: Bye.

Leonard: Bye.

(Penny closes door.)

Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?

Sheldon: No. We‘re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.

Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.

Sheldon: Not with commentary.

Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.

Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.

Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.

Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.

Leonard: Yes, and you‘ve never met one of them.

Sheldon: That‘s the beauty of it.

Leonard: I‘m going to invite her over. We‘ll have a nice meal and chat.

Sheldon: Chat? We don‘t chat. At least not offline.

Leonard: Well it‘s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.

(He knocks on Penny‘s door).

Sheldon: To what end?

(Penny opens door).

Leonard: Hi. Again.

Penny: Hi.

Sheldon: Hi.

Leonard: Hi.

Penny: Hi.

Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I‘m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don‘t have to that, uh, a clean colon is just… one less thing to worry about.

Sheldon: Leonard, I‘m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Penny: Oh, you‘re inviting me over to eat?

Leonard: Uh, yes.

Penny: Oh, that‘s so nice, I‘d love to.

Leonard: Great.

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard‘s apartment.

Leonard: Okay, well, make yourself at home.

Penny: Okay, thank you.

Leonard: You‘re very welcome.

(Sheldon pulls a face).

Penny (looking at whiteboard): This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?

Sheldon: Actually that‘s my work.

Penny: Wow.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, it‘s just some quantum mechanics, a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that‘s just a joke, it‘s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

Penny: So you‘re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.

Sheldon: Yeah.

Penny: This is really impressive.

Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.

Penny: Holy smokes.

Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men‘s room at MIT, sure.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn‘t seen this differential below ―here I sit broken hearted?‖

Leonard: At least I didn‘t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.

Sheldon: I didn‘t invent, they‘re there.

Leonard: In what universe?

Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.

Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?

Sheldon: Um, Penny, that‘s where I sit.

Penny: So, sit next to me.

Sheldon: No, I sit there.

Penny: What‘s the difference?

Sheldon: What‘s the difference?

Leonard: Here we go.

Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it‘s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I‘ve made my point.

Penny: Do you want me to move?

Sheldon: Well….

Leonard (to Sheldon): Just sit somewhere else.

Sheldon (after hesitation): Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)

Leonard: Sheldon, sit! (he does).

Sheldon (fake voice): Aaah!

Leonard: Well this is nice. We don‘t have a lot of company over.

Sheldon: That‘s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.

Leonard: Yes I now, but…

Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.

Leonard: Yes, I remember.

Sheldon: I resent you saying we don‘t have company.

Leonard: I‘m sorry.

Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication.

Leonard: I said I‘m sorry.

Penny: So… Klingon boggle?

Leonard: Yeah, it‘s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That‘s probably enough about us, tell us about you.

Penny: Um, me, okay, I‘m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun‘s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.

Penny: Participate in the what?

Leonard: I think what Sheldon‘s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn‘t have been our first guess.

Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I‘m a water sign. Okay, let‘s see, what else, oh, I‘m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.

Sheldon: That‘s interesting. Leonard can‘t process corn.

Leonard: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?

Penny: Oh, yeah, I‘m a waitress at the CheesecakeFactory.

Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.

Sheldon: You‘re lactose intolerant.

Leonard: I don‘t eat it, I just think it‘s a good idea.

Penny: Oh, anyways, I‘m also writing a screenplay. It‘s about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the CheesecakeFactory.

Leonard: So it‘s based on your life?

Penny: No, I‘m from Omaha.

Leonard: Well, if that was a movie I would go see it.

Penny: I know, right? Okay, let‘s see, what else? Um, that‘s about it. That‘s the story of Penny.

Leonard: Well it sounds wonderful.

Penny: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk. (Bursts into tears).

Sheldon (mouths): What‘s happening.

Leonard (mouths back): I don‘t know.

Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that‘s like as long as High School.

Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School?

Leonard: Don‘t.

Penny: I just, I can‘t believe I trusted him (Jumps up and runs to kitchen. Sheldon immediately jumps into her seat.)

Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.

Sheldon: You? No, you‘ll only make it worse.

Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?

Sheldon: Yes.

Leonard: No, it‘s not crazy it‘s, uh, it‘s a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. (Penny just looks at him. To Sheldon) Well, I didn‘t make it worse.

Penny: Oh, I‘m so sorry, I‘m such a mess, and on top of everything else I‘m all gross

9 frommoving and my stupid shower doesn‘t even work.

Leonard: Our shower works.

Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?

Sheldon: Yes.

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: No?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: No.

Leonard: It‘s right down the hall.

Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet. (She leaves in direction of bathroom.)

Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development.

Leonard: How so?

Sheldon: It has been some time since we‘ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

Leonard: That‘s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmotherwith Alzheimer‘s had that episode.

Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we‘ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn‘t want to rip our eyes out.

Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.

Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

Leonard: Excuse me?

Sheldon: That woman in there‘s not going to have s*x with you.

Leonard: Well I‘m not trying to have s*x with her.

Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won‘t be disappointed.

Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn‘t have s*x with me, I‘m a male and she‘s a female?

Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.

Leonard: I‘m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I‘m just trying to be a good neighbour.

Sheldon: Oh, of course.

Leonard: That‘s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn‘t participate. However briefly.

Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tearsshampoo?

Leonard: It‘s Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker‘s the conditioner. (Opens door. Enter Howard and Raj.)

Howard: Wait till you see this.

Raj: It‘s fantastic. Unbelievable.

Leonard: See what?

Howard (putting a DVD in the machine): It‘s a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.

Leonard: This is not a good time.

Howard (putting on a Stephen Hawking voice): It‘s before he became a creepy computer voice:.

Leonard: That‘s great, you guys have to go.

Raj: Why?

Leonard: It‘s just not a good time.

Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.

Howard: Yeah, right, your grandmotherback in town?

Leonard: No. And she‘s not a lady, she‘s just a new neighbour.

Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here?

Leonard: Uh-huh.

Howard: And you want us out because you‘re anticipating coitus?

Leonard: I‘m not anticipating coitus.

Howard: So she‘s available for coitus?

Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?

Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.

Penny (entering wrapped in a towel): Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower. Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!

Howard: Enchante Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it‘s currently orbiting Jupiter‘s largest moon taking high-resolutiondigital photographs.

Penny: Penny. I work at the CheesecakeFactory.

Leonard: Come on, I‘ll show you the trick with the shower.

Howard: Bon douche.

Penny: I‘m sorry?

Howard: It‘s French for good shower. It‘s a sentiment I can express in six languages.

Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.

Howard: See-ka-tong-guay-jow.

Scene: In the bathroom.

Leonard (fiddling with the water outlet): Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I‘m sorry.

Penny (stepping into shower): Okay. Thanks.

Leonard: You‘re welcome, oh, you‘re going to step right, okay, I‘ll….

Penny: Hey, Leonard?

Leonard: The hair products are Sheldon‘s.

Penny: Um, okay. Can I ask you a favour.

Leonard: A favour? Sure, you can ask me a favour, I would do you a favour for you.

Penny: It‘s okay if you say no.

Leonard: Oh, I‘ll probably say yes.

Penny: It‘s just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you‘ve just met.

Leonard: Wow.

Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard‘s car

Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.

Leonard: Must we?

Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a televisionset from the aforementioned woman‘s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?

Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

Leonard: Which is?

Sheldon: You think with your pen1s.

Leonard: That‘s a biological impossibility and you didn‘t have to come.

Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can‘t she get her own TV.

Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.

Sheldon: No I don‘t. And neither do you.

Leonard: Wuh… I… I broke up with Joyce Kim.

Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.

Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There‘s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriendas to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.

Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?

Leonard: No, Sheldon, there‘s not going to be a scene. There‘s two of us and one of him.

Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us can‘t even carry a TV.

Scene: Back at the apartment.

Penny (to Raj): So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University?

(Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful).

Penny: Uh, I‘m sorry, do you speak English?

Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just can‘t speak to women.

Penny: Really, why?

Howard: He‘s kind of a nerd. Juice box?

Scene: Outside Penny‘s old apartment building.

Leonard (pushes buzzer): I‘ll do the talking.

Voice from buzzer: Yeah.

Leonard: Hi, I‘m Leonard, this is Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hello.

Leonard: What did I just…. Uh, we‘re here to pick up Penny‘s TV.

Voice: Get lost.

Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.

Leonard: We‘re not going to give up just like that.

Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we‘ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

Sheldon: My apologies. What‘s your plan.

(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.)

Sheldon: It‘s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)

Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard: Just grab the door.

Scene: Outside Penny‘s ex-boyfriend‘sapartment.

Leonard: This is it. (Knocks.) I‘ll do the talking.

Sheldon: Good thinking, I‘ll just be the muscle.

(Door opens. Enormous man is stood there.)

Enormous man: Yeah?

Leonard: I‘m Leonard, this is Sheldon.

Sheldon: From the intercom.

Man: How the hell did you get in the building?

Leonard: Oh. We‘re scientists.

Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.

Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers.

Sheldon: Leonard.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.

Leonard: I‘m sorry.

Sheldon: You‘re going to have to call her.

Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard‘s building.

Leonard: Sheldon, I‘m so sorry I dragged you through this.

Sheldon: It‘s okay. It wasn‘t my first pantsing, and it won‘t be my last.

Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to s*x.

Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.

Leonard: Anyway, I‘ve learned my lesson. She‘s out of my league, I‘m done with her, I‘ve got my work, one day I‘ll win the Nobel Prize and then I‘ll die alone.

Sheldon: Don‘t think like that, you‘re not going to die alone.

Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, you‘re a good friend.

Sheldon: And you‘re certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.

Scene: Inside Sheldon and Leonard‘s apartment.

Howard (on laptop): This is one of my favourite places to kick back after a quest, they have a

15 great house ale.

Penny: Wow, cool tiger.

Howard: Yeah, I‘ve had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.

Penny: Uh, sounds interesting.

Howard: So you‘ll think about it?

Penny: Oh, I don‘t think I‘ll be able to stop thinking about it.

Raj: Smooth.

Leonard (entering with Sheldon): We‘re home.

Penny: Oh, my God, what happened?

Leonard: Well, your ex-boyfriendsends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self- explanatory.

Penny: I‘m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn‘t be such an ass.

Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.

Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?

Penny (hugging them both): Really, thank you so much for going and trying you‘re, uh, you‘re so terrific. Why don‘t you put some clothes on, I‘ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?

Leonard: Really? Great.

Sheldon: Thank you. (Penny leaves.) You‘re not done with her, are you?

Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.

Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Scene: All five in Leonard‘s car.

Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny?

Penny: Sure.

Sheldon: We can‘t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.

Penny: So?

Sheldon: They‘re both curry-basedcuisines.

Penny: So?

Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we‘re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.

Penny: Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.)

Howard: Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.

Penny: That sounds like fun.

Howard (sings): Baby, baby don‘t get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don‘t get hooked on me.

Sheldon (to Leonard): I don‘t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you‘re a veritable Mack Daddy.

(Leonard grins. Fade out as Howard continues to sing.) 2. The Big Bran Hypothesis Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are present.

Leonard: There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts.

Howard: But does it have peanutoil?

Leonard: Uh, I‘m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.

Sheldon: Since it‘s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.

Raj: Are there any chopsticks?

Sheldon: You don‘t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.

Leonard: Here we go.

Sheldon: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don‘t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.

Leonard: Ask him for a napkin, I dare you. (There is a knock on the door.) I‘ll get it.

Howard: Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.

(Leonard opens door to Penny, steps into hallway)

Penny: Hey Leonard. Leonard: Oh, hi Penny.

Penny: Am I interrupting.

Leonard: No.

Sheldon (off): You‘re not swelling, Howard.

Howard (off): No, no, look at my fingers, they‘re like Vienna sausages.

Penny: Sounds like you have company.

Leonard: They‘re not going anywhere.(Closes door, staying in hallway.) So, you‘re coming home from work. That‘s great. How was work.

Penny: Well, you know, it‘s the CheesecakeFactory. People order cheesecake, and I bring it to them.

Leonard: So, you sort of act as a carbohydrate delivery system.

Penny: Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something, I was….

Leonard: Yes.

Penny: Oh. Okay, great, I‘m having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so…. (apartment door opens, Sheldon, Raj and Howard appear) Oh! Hel…hello!

Howard: (speaks a phrase in Russian).

Penny: I‘m sorry?

Howard: Haven‘t you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?

Penny: No, I haven‘t.

Howard: Get used to it.

Penny: Yeah, I probably won‘t, but… Hey Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hi.

Penny: Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?

Sheldon: Don‘t take it personally, it‘s his pathology, he can‘t talk to women.

Howard: He can‘t talk to attractive women, or in your case a cheesecake–scentedGoddess!

Leonard: So, there‘s gonna be some furniture delivered?

Penny: Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I‘m not here tomorrow could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment.

Leonard: Yeah, no problem.

Penny: Great, here‘s my spare key. Thank you.

Leonard: Penny, wait.

Penny: Yeah?

Leonard: Um, if you don‘t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?

Sheldon: You‘re kidding, right?

Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?

Leonard,Sheldon and Howard together: One. (Raj raises one finger).

Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.

Penny: Yes, I know, men can‘t fly.

Sheldon: Oh no, let‘s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.

Leonard: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.

Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She‘s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he‘d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.

Leonard: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman‘s flight is a feat of strength.

Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman‘s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth‘s yellow Sun.

Howard: Yeah, and you don‘t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.

Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the moon‘s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.

Penny: I‘m just going to go wash up.

Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.

Sheldon: Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We‘re locked out.

Raj: Also, the pretty girl left.

Credit sequence.

Scene: Ground floor hallwayof the apartment building. Leonard is signing for the delivery.

Leonard: Okay, her apartment‘s on the fourth floor but the elevator‘s broken so you‘re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you‘re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we‘ll just bring it up ourselves.

Sheldon: I hardly think so.

Leonard: Why not?

Sheldon: Well, we don‘t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard: We don‘t need strength, we‘re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it‘s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don‘t have this… I don‘t have this I don‘t have this.

Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.

Leonard: Do you have any ideas?

Sheldon: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.

Time shift, Leonard and Sheldon are now lowering the package onto the bottom of the stairs.

Leonard: Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we‘ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.

Sheldon: Exactly half.

Leonard (snarkily): Exactly half. Let‘s push. Okay, see, it‘s moving, this is easy, all in the math.

Sheldon: What‘s your formula for the corner.

Leonard: What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

(Sheldon heads up the stairs. The package slides back down to the bottom.)

Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Time shift, they now have the package on an upstairshallway, not their own.

Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?

Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.

Sheldon: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.

Leonard: I‘m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there‘s no way it could lower the odds. Quick cut to the hallwayof their flo or, they are nearing the top of the staircase.

Leonard: Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)

Sheldon: No we‘re not, no we‘re not, no we‘re not.

Scene: Inside Penny’s apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.

Sheldon: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!

Leonard: You okay?

Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar‘s Ghost, look at this place?

Leonard: So Penny‘s a little messy.

Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatwareon a couch is valid. I‘m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table‘s having a tiny garage sale.

Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?

Sheldon: No.

Leonard: Well they don‘t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don‘t sort their breakfastcereal numerically by fibre content.

Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we‘ve both found that helpful at times.

Leonard: Come on, we should go.

Sheldon: Hang on.

Leonard: What are you doing?

Sheldon: Straightening up.

Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.

Sheldon: This is not anyone‘s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.

Leonard: When the transvestite lived here, you didn‘t care how he kept the place.

Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man‘s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.

Leonard: What were you doing in his closet?

Sheldon: I helped run some cable for a webcam.

Penny (entering): Hey guys.

Leonard: Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now. Penny: Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?

Sheldon: (sucks in breath)

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: No?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: No.

Leonard: Well, we‘ll get out of your hair.

Penny: Oh, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa). Sheldon: Penny, I just want you to know that, you don‘t have to live like this. I‘m here for you.

Penny: What‘s he talking about?

Leonard: It‘s a joke.

Penny: I don‘t get it.

Leonard: Yeah, he didn‘t tell it right.

Scene: Leonard’s bedroom, he is asleep. Sound of door opening and closing somewhere else is heard. Leonard wakes, puts on his glasses and looks at the clock. It is 2:16.

Leonard: Sheldon?

Scene: The living room. Leonard enters carrying a light sabre.

Leonard: Sheldon? Hello?

(Notices front door is open, turns off light sabre.)

Scene: Penny’s apartment, penny is sleeping, Sheldon is cleaning. Leonard enters.

Leonard: Sheldon!

Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny‘s sleeping.

Leonard: Are you insane, you can‘t just break into a woman‘s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.

Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn‘t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroomwas our living room, and just outside our living roomwas that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallwaywas… this.

Leonard: Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we‘re here?

Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

Leonard: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it‘s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.

Sheldon: Don‘t be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Leonard: Sheldon, we have to get out of here.

(Penny snores)

Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high-pitchednoises while they sleep, so that they‘ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

Leonard: That‘s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.)

Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that‘s ridiculous.

Leonard (doing likewise): Fine. I accept your premise, now please let‘s go.

Sheldon: I am not leaving until I‘m done.

Leonard: O-o-o-oh! (Collapses against wall).

Sheldon: If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

Leonard: Oh, what the hell.

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room, morning. Sheldon enters, singing to himself.

Sheldon: Morning.

Leonard: Morning.

Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.

Leonard: I‘m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour‘s apartment and clean.

Sheldon: Sarcasm?

Leonard: You think?

Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny‘s quality of life.

Leonard: You know what, you‘ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.

Sheldon: You don‘t think that crosses a line?

Leonard: Yes! For God‘s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.

Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?

Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.

Sheldon: Do you want some cereal. I‘m feeling so good today I‘m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.

Penny (voice off): Son of a Bitch!

Leonard: Penny‘s up.

Penny (voice off): You sick, geeky bastards!

Leonard: How did she know it was us?

Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroomcloset.

Penny (voice off): Leonard!

Leonard: God, this is going to be bad.

Sheldon: Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.

Penny (entering): You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?

Leonard: Yes, but, only to clean.

Sheldon: Really more to organise, you‘re not actually dirty, per se.

Penny: Give me back my key.

Leonard: I‘m very, very sorry.

Penny: Do you understand how creepy this is.

Leonard: Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.

Penny: In my apartment, while I was sleeping.

Sheldon: And snoring. And that‘s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It‘s a throat doctor.

Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?

Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that‘s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!

Penny: God!

Leonard: Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you‘re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you‘re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.

Penny: Stay away from me.

Leonard: Sure, that‘s another way to go.

Sheldon: Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.

Leonard: You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What‘s funny?

Sheldon: That wasn‘t sarcasm?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD‘s, I should not have to do this.

Penny (opening door): What?

Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won‘t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.

Scene: The stairwell. Raj is coming up the stairs, he meets Penny who is going down.

Penny: Hey Raj. (Raj stands looking uncomfortable.) Hey, listen, I don‘t know if you heard about what happened last night with Leonard and Sheldon, but I‘m really upsetabout it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?

Raj (internally, while Penny continues to talk): Ooh, she‘s standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?

Penny: You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot, okay? And you don‘t shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?

Raj (internally): She‘s so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I‘d be better off with an Indian girl. We‘d have the same cultural background, and my wife would sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me.

Penny: It‘s obvious that they meant well, but I‘m just, I‘m having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it‘s just freaking me out.

Raj (internally sings an Indian lullaby.)

Penny: I mean, just because most of the men I‘ve known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn‘t mean I should just assume Leonard and Sheldon are. Right?

Raj (internally): She asked me a question. I should probably nod. (Does.)

Penny: That‘s exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You‘re a doll. (She hugs him.)

Raj (internally): Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis. (Does.)

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room. Howard is there, playing on a dance video game.

Howard (jumping off game mat): Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.

Leonard: It‘s fine. You win.

Howard: What‘s his problem?

Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriendbroke up with him.

Howard: Been there.

Raj (entering): Hello. Sorry I‘m late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.

Howard: Really? You? Rajesh Koothrapali, spoke to Penny?

Raj: Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.

Leonard: What did she say? Is she still mad at me?

Raj: Well, she was upsetat first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and… then she hugged me.

Howard: She hugged you? How did she hug you? (Raj hugs Howard.) Is that her perfume I smell?

Raj: intoxicating, isn‘t it?

Scene: The hallway, Leonard puts a note under Penny’s door. It opens.

Penny: Hi.

Leonard: Oh.

Penny: What‘s going on?

Leonard: Um, here‘s the thing. (Reads from note.) Penny. Just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgement. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognise one‘s mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie‘s discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of ebola research….

Penny: Leonard.

Leonard: Yeah.

Penny (hugs him): We‘re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallwayand straight into the apartment door.)

Scene: Penny’s apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are trying to construct furniture.

Leonard: Six two-inchdowels.

Sheldon: Check.

Leonard: One package, Phillips head screws.

Sheldon: Check.

Penny: Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre.

Leonard: No, please, we insist, it‘s the least we can do considering.

Sheldon: Considering what? How great this place looks?

Howard (across room with Raj): Oh boy, I was afraid of this.

Leonard: What?

Howard: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.

Penny: Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.

Leonard: It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.

Sheldon: We could put her stereo back there.

Leonard: And control it how?

Sheldon: Run an infra-redrepeater, photocellhere, emitter here, easy peasy.

Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): Good point, how you gonna cool it?

Penny: Hey guys, I got this.

Sheldon: Hang on Penny. How about fans, here and here?

Leonard: Also inefficient, and might be loud.

Howard: How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter- inchPVC…

Penny: Guys, this is actually really simple.

Howard: Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

Leonard: Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflowreservoir?

Sheldon: And if water is involved we‘re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.

Penny: Guys, it‘s hot in here, I think I‘ll just take off all my clothes.

Leonard: Oh, I‘ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbarH with aircraft-gradealuminium.

Sheldon: Right, then the entire thing‘s one big heat sink.

Howard: Perfect, Leonard, why don‘t you and Sheldon go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square metres of scrap aluminium, Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetaline torch.

Leonard: Meet back here in an hour?

Howard: Done.

Leonard: Got it. (They all leave).

Penny: Okay, this place does look pretty good. 3. The Fuzzy Boots Corollary Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are using laptops. All are wearing microphoneheadsets.

Howard: Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.

Sheldon: Good lord!

Raj: Oooh.

Leonard: Don‘t panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.

Howard: Stay frosty, there‘s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.

Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.

Sheldon: Lock and load.

Howard: Raj, blow up the gates.

Raj: Blowing the gates. Control, shift, B! Oh, my God, so many goblins!

Howard: Don‘t just stand there, slash and move, slash and move.

Leonard: Stay in formation.

Howard: Leonard, you‘ve got one on your tail.

Leonard: That‘s alright, my tail‘s prehensile, I‘ll swat him off.

Raj: I‘ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!

Leonard: Raj, no, it‘s a trap, they‘re flanking us!

Raj: Oooh, he‘s got me.

Howard: Sheldon, he‘s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!

Sheldon: I‘ve got the Sword of Azeroth!

Leonard: Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.

Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the swordmaster!

Howard: Leonard look out!

Leonard: Dammit man, we‘re dying here.

Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants.

Leonard: The bastard teleported.

Raj: He‘s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.

Leonard: You betrayed us for money, who are you?

Sheldon: I‘m a rogue knight elf, don‘t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked ―buy it now.‖

Howard: I am the swordmaster!

Credits sequence

Scene: The same.

Sheldon: Wooh, I‘m all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.

Leonard: No, I can‘t look at you or your avatar right now.

(Sound of female laughter from out in the hall).

Howard: Sounds like your neighbour‘s home.

Leonard: Excuse me.

Sheldon: Don‘t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you‘d have an excuse to talk to her.

Leonard: Oh, right, right right right right.

Howard: Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.

Leonard (exiting to hallway): Penny, the mailmandid it again, he… (looks up to see Penny kissing a hunky man) Oh! Sorry.

Penny: Um, no, hi Leonard, this is Doug, Doug, this is my neighbour Leonard. Doug: What‘s up bro.

Leonard: Not much. Bro.

Penny: Is, is everything okay.

Leonard: Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here.

Penny: Thank you, I‘ve got to talk to that mailman.

Leonard: Oh no, that‘s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.

Penny: Okay, well, thank you, again.

Leonard: No problem. Bye. Oh, and, bye, bro! (Returns to apartment).

Sheldon: Penny for your thoughts.

Raj: What‘s the matter.

Leonard: No, I‘m fine. Penny‘s fine, the guy she‘s kissing is really fine and…

Howard: Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?

Leonard: What is wrong with you?

Howard: I‘m a romantic.

Sheldon: Please don‘t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.

Leonard: No, I‘m not jealous, I‘m just a little concerned for her. I didn‘t like the look of the guy that she was with.

Howard: Because he looked better than you?

Leonard: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.

Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don‘t crash into geek mountain again.

Howard: I disagree, love is not a sprint, it‘s a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.

Leonard: Well, I‘m done with Penny. I‘m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.

Raj: Like who?

Leonard: I don‘t know. Olivia Geiger?

Sheldon: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?

Leonard: Yeah.

Sheldon: Well, I don‘t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Lesley Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability.

Howard: I don‘t know, you guys work in the same lab.

Leonard: So?

Howard: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I‘m… a bit of a self-taughtexpert.

Leonard: Look, Howard, if I were to ask Lesley Winkle out it would just be for dinner, I‘m not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.

Howard: Oh, then you‘re probably okay.

Scene: Howard and Lesley’s lab.

Leonard: Hello Lesley.

Lesley: Hi Leonard.

Leonard: Lesley I would like to propose an experiment.

Lesley: Goggles, Leonard.

Leonard: Right. Lesley, I would like to propose an experiment.

Lesley: Hang on. I‘m trying to see how long it takes a five-hundred-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o‘ noodles.

Leonard: Pfff, I‘ve done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.

Lesley: Wait, are you asking me out?

Leonard: I was going to characterise it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-likecomponent. But we don‘t need to quibble over terminology.

Lesley: What sort of experiment would you propose?

Leonard: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.

Lesley: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.

Leonard: Heartrate, pheromones, etc, yes.

Lesley: Well, why don‘t we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.

Leonard: You mean, kiss you now?

Lesley: Yes.

Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?

Lesley: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?

Leonard: Thank you. (Takes mint). Shall I count down from three?

Lesley: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.

(They kiss.)

Lesley: What do you think.

Leonard: You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.

Lesley: Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.

Leonard: None?

Lesley: None.

Leonard: Ah. Well, thank you for your time.

Lesley: Thank you.

(They shake hands. Leonard leaves. Then returns.)

Leonard: None at all?

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s flat. Sheldon, Raj and Howard are playing Jenga.

Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn‘t, would you want me to tell you?

Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I‘m a robot, will I be able to handle it?

Howard: Maybe, although the history of science-fictionis not on your side.

Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I‘m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov‘s three laws of robotics?

Raj: You might be bound by them right now.

Howard: That‘s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm? Sheldon: Of course not.

Howard: Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?

Sheldon: Well, no.

Howard: I smell robot.

Leonard (entering): Hey, what‘s going on.

Sheldon: The internet‘s been down for half an hour.

Raj: Also, Sheldon may be a robot.

Howard: So, how did it go with Lesley?

Leonard: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn‘t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway.

Sheldon: Oh, I‘ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don‘t know if I can take it.

Raj: You could power down.

Howard: Well, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women, and Leonard could have his pick.

Scene: A salsa class. The four guys and a random fat bloke salsa opposite five middle- agedwomen.

Class instructor: Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven.

Howard (to Leonard): I think Mrs Tishman‘s got her eye on you. I‘ve been there, you‘re in for a treat.

Scene: The flat, Leonard is entering, singing to himself a depressing emo song.

Sheldon: Oh, good lord.

Leonard (singing): You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that‘s a good song.

Sheldon: If you‘re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.

Leonard: I know what you‘re thinking, I‘ve taken your asthma into account. There‘s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.

Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me…

Leonard: I‘ve been thinking about names, I‘m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.

Sheldon: Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?

Leonard: Maybe, if it‘s a cute little cuddly cat.

Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny.

Leonard: It doesn‘t matter. The woman‘s not interested in me, the woman rejected me.

Sheldon: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.

Leonard: You‘re right. I didn‘t ask her out, I should ask her out.

Sheldon: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don‘t buy a cat.

Leonard: No, but you‘re right. I should march over there and ask her out.

Sheldon: Oh, goody, we‘re getting a cat.

Scene: The hallway. Leonard knocks on Penny’s door.

Penny (opening door): Ah, hey Leonard.

Leonard: Good afternoon Penny, so hi, hey. Uh… I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.

Penny: Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?

Leonard: There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.

Penny: Supper?

Leonard: Or dinner. I was thinking six thirty, if you can go, or a different time.

Penny: Uh, six thirty‘s great.

Leonard: Really? Great!

Penny: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.

Leonard: Us guys?

Penny: You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj, who all‘s coming? Leonard: They…. might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there, uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns, for example Sheldon had Quizznos for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn‘t, it‘s no fault of Quizznos, they have a varied menu.

Penny: Okay, whatever, it sounds like fun.

Leonard: Great. Did we say a time?

Penny: Six thirty.

Leonard: And that‘s still good for you.

Penny: It‘s fine.

Leonard: Cos it‘s not carved in stone.

Penny: No, six thirty‘s great.

Leonard: I‘ll get my chisel.

Penny: Why?

Leonard: To… carve the… okay, I‘ll see you six thirty.

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Leonard enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. They are covered in sweat stains.

Leonard: How do I look?

Sheldon: Could you be more specific?

Leonard: Can you tell I‘m perspiring a little?

Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shapedpatterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?

Leonard: Six thirty.

Sheldon: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.

Leonard: Is it too much?

Sheldon: Not if you‘re a rugby team.

Leonard: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn‘t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.

Sheldon: Why would I join you? Leonard: No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn‘t such a good idea.

Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there‘s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

Leonard: You‘re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.

Sheldon: Of course, there‘s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.

Leonard: You could have stopped at ―it could go well.‖

Sheldon: If I could of, I would of.

Leonard: I mean, I‘m a perfectly nice guy. There‘s no reason we couldn‘t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, ―you love pottery? I love pottery!‖ You know, there‘s a pause, we both know what‘s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it‘s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she‘s kissing me back, and she‘s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we‘re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!

Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?

Leonard: I‘m having a panic attack.

Sheldon: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.

Leonard: If I could calm down I wouldn‘t be having a panic attack, that‘s why they call it a panic attack.

Sheldon: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.

Leonard: Why?

Sheldon: Just do it.

Leonard: Okay.

Sheldon: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: It‘s a bio-feedbacktechnique, it‘s relaxation through brain-wavemanipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourcedbut I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere. Leonard: Oh, who am I kidding, I can‘t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.

Sheldon: Me?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: What should I tell her.

Leonard: I don‘t know. Tell her I‘m sick.

Sheldon: Okay.

Leonard: Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she‘ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.

Sheldon: Got it. So I‘m assuming nothing venereal. I‘ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven‘t quite bounced back.

Leonard: Give me the phone.

Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?

Leonard: I can‘t because if I don‘t show up she‘ll still be expecting you.

Sheldon: Why would she be expecting me?

Leonard: Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.

Scene: A restaurant.

Penny: So are the rest of the guys meeting us here?

Leonard: Oh, yeah, no. Turns out that Raj and Howard had to work, and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn‘t quite bounced back yet.

Penny: Ooh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.

Leonard: You‘re kidding, well, then, that‘s something we have in common.

Penny: How?

Leonard: We both have people in our lives who… want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud.

Penny: So, what‘s new in the world of physics?

Leonard: Nothing.

Penny: Really, nothing?

Leonard: Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930‘s, and you can‘t prove string theory, at best you can say ―hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.‖

Penny: Ah. Well I‘m sure things will pick up.

Leonard: What‘s new at the CheesecakeFactory?

Penny: Oh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that‘s moving pretty well.

Leonard: Good. Good. And what about your, uh, hallway friend.

Penny: Doug? Oh, yeah, I dunno, I mean, he‘s nice and funny, but…

Waitress: Can I get you started with some drinks?

Leonard: No, (waves her away) You were saying, but…

Penny: I‘d like a drink.

Leonard: Just say the but thing about Doug and then I‘ll get her back.

Penny: Okay, well, you know, it‘s just me. I‘m still getting over this break-upwith Kurt, and this thing with Doug would be just rebound sex.

Leonard: Ugh, don‘t get me started on rebound sex.

Penny: It‘s just, it‘s my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it‘s just thirty six meaningless of… well, you know.

Leonard: I‘m not sure that I do. Um, is that one thirty-six hour experience, or is it thirty six hours spread out over say, one… glorious summer.

Penny: No, it‘s usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.

Leonard: Well, chafing, right?

Penny: Emotionally.

Leonard: Of course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you want to see something cool?

(Penny nods.) I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.

Penny: How?

Leonard: Physics. (He places the glass over the olive and spins it until the olive gets caught up on the side).

Penny: Wow, centrifugal force!

Leonard: Actually, it‘s centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive. (The olive drops.) Excuse me. (Leonard disappears under table.)Now, if you were riding on the olive, you‘d be in a non-inertial reference frame, and would (he bangs his head on the underside of the table.) Penny: Are you okay?

Leonard: Yeah, I‘m okay. Did you spill ketchup?

Penny: No.

Leonard: I‘m not okay.

Scene: The stairwellof the apartment building.

Penny: Are you sure you don‘t want to go to the emergency room?

Leonard: No, no, I‘m okay, it‘s stopped bleeding.

Penny: I know, but you did throw up. Isn‘t that a sign of a concussion?

Leonard: Yes, but I get car sick too, so…

Penny: Okay.

Leonard: Sorry about your car, by the way.

Penny: Oh, no, it‘s fine, you got most of it out the window.

Leonard: The poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.

Penny: Yeah, me too. Um, good night. (Leonard turns across hallway.) Leonard?

Leonard: Yeah.

Penny: Was this supposed to be a date?

Leonard: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn‘t show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.

Penny: Okay, I was just checking.

Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she‘s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I‘m going to go lay down for a while, good night.

Scene: The apartment, Leonard enters.

Sheldon: So, how was your date?

Leonard: Awesome!

Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgement. 4. The Luminous Fish Effect

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard‘s apartment.

Sheldon: I‘ve been thinking about time travel again.

Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblockwith invisibility?

Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I‘d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.

Leonard: Interesting.

Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.

Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)

Sheldon: It‘s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.

Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order.

Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I‘m not going to enjoy this party.

Leonard: I know, I‘m familiar with you.

Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.

Leonard: Yes, I was there.

Sheldon: You know what‘s interesting about caves, Leonard?

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Nothing.

Leonard: Well then we‘ll avoid Finkleday, we‘ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go.

Sheldon: How‘s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you‘ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.

Leonard: Mahalo‘s a nice touch.

Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.

Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that.

Scene: The department party. Sheldon, Raj and Leonard are at the buffet table.

Raj: Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America.

Leonard: You don‘t have buffets in India?

Raj: Of course, but it‘s all Indian food. You can‘t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.

Sheldon: Well here‘s an interesting turn of events.

Leonard: What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?

Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.

Howard: Hey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend, Summer. (Puts arm around her.)

Summer: I already told you, touching‘s extra.

Howard: Right. Sorry.

Leonard (to Sheldon): Here comes our new boss, be polite.

Gablehouser: Hi fellas, Eric Gablehouser.

Howard: Howard Wolowitz.

Gablehouser: Howard, nice to meet you, and you are?

Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?

Scene: The stairwellof the apartment building. Sheldon is carrying a box of his things.

Sheldon: I can‘t believe he fired me.

Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.

Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying ―with all due respect.‖

Credit sequence.

Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is in the kitchen cooking, Leonard enters.

Leonard: Morning

Sheldon: Morning.

Leonard: You‘re making eggs for breakfast?

Sheldon: This isn‘t breakfast, it‘s an experiment.

Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.

Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.

Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.

Sheldon: As do I.

Leonard: You know, I‘m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back.

Sheldon: I don‘t want my job back. I‘ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboardsfull of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I‘m going to savour it.

Leonard: Okay. I‘ll let you get back to fixing your eggs.

Sheldon: I‘m not just fixing my eggs, I‘m fixing everyone‘s eggs.

Leonard: And we all thank you.

(Sheldon takes his eggs and sits down. Takes a photographof them. Writes in his notebook, then takes a forkful. Writes in notebook again.)

Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).

Penny (popping her head round): Hi, hey. I‘m running out to the market, do you guys need anything?

Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.

Penny: I‘m sorry?

Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.

Penny: Four dozen?

Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.

Penny: Okay, one more time?

Sheldon: Never mind, you won‘t get it right, I‘d better come with you.

Penny: Oh, yay!

Scene: Penny‘s car

Penny: How come you didn‘t go into work today.

Sheldon: I‘m taking a sabbatical, because I won‘t kow-tow to mediocre minds.

Penny: So you got canned, huh?

Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.

Penny: Well, maybe it‘s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.

Sheldon: No it doesn‘t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved.

Penny: No, no, I meant…

Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.

Penny: Never mind.

Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.

Penny: We‘re fine.

Sheldon: Look, you‘re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.

Penny: Oh, sure I am.

Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let‘s say 4,000lb, now add say

140 for me, 120 for you.

Penny: 120?

Sheldon: Oh, I‘m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?

Penny: Well, yeah.

Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let‘s say, 4,400lb.

Penny: Let‘s say 4,390.

Sheldon: Fine. We‘re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let‘s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we‘ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new putt-puttcourse.

Scene: The supermarket.

Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives.

Penny: Thank you.

Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.

Penny: Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn‘t you say you needed some eggs.

Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.

Penny: Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.

Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you‘ll really enjoy this, is, they‘re shelved with the vegetables, but they‘re technically a fruit.

Penny: Interesting.

Sheldon: Isn‘t it?

Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.

Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.

Penny: What now?

Sheldon: Well, there‘s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you‘re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.

Penny: Well, maybe that‘s what I was going for.

Sheldon: Well then you‘ll want some manganese.

Scene: On the stairwell of the apartment building.

Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehousestores.

Penny: Oh, I don‘t know Sheldon, it‘s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.

Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month‘s supply at a time.

Penny: What?

Sheldon: Well think about it, it‘s a product that doesn‘t spoil, and you‘re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.

Penny: You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons?

Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?

Penny: Okay, I‘m not talking about this with you.

Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we‘re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we‘re still on for put-put golf, right?

Scene: The apartment, Sheldon has several bowls containing goldfish.

Leonard (entering): Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something.

Sheldon: I think it‘s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference.

Leonard: What‘s with the fish?

Sheldon: It‘s an experiment.

Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?

Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead-end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they‘re ever going to be.

Leonard: So… fish.

Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.

Leonard: Fish nightlights.

Sheldon: It‘s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!

Leonard: Mum‘s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don‘t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back.

Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I‘ve too much to do.

Leonard: Like luminous fish.

Sheldon: Shhhhh!

Leonard: Right… I didn‘t….

Sheldon: That‘s just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-orderfeminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we‘re going to be rich.

Scene: The stairwellof the apartment building.

Leonard: Thank you for coming on such short notice.

Mrs Cooper: You did the right thing calling.

Leonard: I didn‘t know what else to do, he‘s lost all focus, every day he‘s got a new obsession. (They enter the apartment. Sheldon is weaving on a loom. He is wrapped in a poncho.) This is a particularly disturbing one.

Sheldon (looking round): Mommy.

Mrs Cooper: Hi baby.

Sheldon (mouths): You called my mother?

Mrs Cooper: Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice.

Sheldon: Thank you.

Mrs Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom?

Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?

Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me.

Sheldon: I know, but why?

Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the- dark fish and weaving sarapes.

Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone‘s mother.

Leonard: Really, when was the last time you left the house.

Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny.

Leonard: That was three weeks ago.

Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she‘s going to get very crabby.

Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.

Sheldon: Yes, well I‘m not a child, I‘m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don‘t need someone telling on me to my mother.

Leonard: Where are you going?

Sheldon: To my room, and no-one‘s allowed in.

Mrs Cooper: He gets his temper from his daddy.

Leonard: Oh.

Mrs Cooper: He‘s got my eyes.

Leonard: I see.

Mrs Cooper: All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.

Scene: Everyone but Sheldon is in the kitchen of the apartment.

Leonard: Sheldon? Your mum made dinner.

Sheldon (off): I‘m not hungry.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, don‘t trouble yourself, he‘s stubborn. He may stay in there ‗til the Rapture.

Penny: Are we so sure that‘s a bad thing?

Mrs Cooper: I‘ll tell ya, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the K-Mart.

Howard: Excuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smouldering good looks.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, honey that ain‘t going to work, but you keep trying. (To Raj) I made chicken, I hope that isn‘t one of the animals that you people think is magic? You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr Patel, it‘s a beautiful story, the lord spoke to

48 him, and moved him to give us all 20% off on lasic, you know, those that needed it.

Leonard: That is a lovely story, um, are we going to do anything about Sheldon?

Mrs Cooper: Oh, we will, you have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, God rest his soul, used to say to me, Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon.

Leonard: Sounds like a wise man.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, not so wise, he was trying to fight a bobcatfor some licquorish. So, everybody grab a plate, and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove.

Penny: Has Shelly ever freaked out like this before.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, all the time, I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was going to provide free electricity for the whole town, well the only problem was he had no, whatchacall, fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down real gentle and told him it‘s against the law to have yellow cake uranium in a shed.

Penny: What happened?

Mrs Cooper: Well, the poor boy had a fit, locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.

Leonard: A death ray?

Mrs Cooper: Well, that‘s what he called it, didn‘t even slow down the neighbour kids. It pissed our dog off to no end. You know, you two make a cute couple.

Both Leonard and Penny laugh, a little too forced.

Leonard: No, we‘re not, we‘re not, not a couple, two singles, like those individually wrapped slices of cheese that…. are friends.

Mrs Cooper: Did I pluck a nerve there?

Howard: Oh yeah.

Mrs Cooper: Okay. Alright everybody, it‘s time to eat. (Everybody begins to do so) Oh Lord, we thank you for this meal, all your bounty, and we pray that you help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Raj and Howard) Now after a moment of silent meditation I‘m going to end with ―In Jesus‘ Name‖ but you two don‘t feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you.

Time shift

Penny: Oh my God, this is the best cobbler I‘ve ever had.

Mrs Cooper: It was always Sheldon‘ s favourite. You know what the secret ingredient is?

Penny: Love?

Mrs Cooper: Lard.

Sheldon emerges from the bedroom area.

Howard: Hey, look who‘s come out….

Mrs Cooper: Shhh! You‘ll spook him. He‘s like a baby deer, you gotta let him come to you.

Sheldon crosses to the cobbler, takes some and puts it on a plate. Looks round at the group in the matter of a frightened animal. Everyone but Leonard looks down at their meal.

Leonard: This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You‘re a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away)

Mrs Cooper: You don‘t hunt, do you?

Scene: Sheldon‘s bedroom. He is building a model of some kind of double helix. There is a knock on the door.

Mrs Cooper (entering): Good morning, snicker-doodle.

Sheldon: Morning.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that?

Sheldon: It‘s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form.

Mrs Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?

Sheldon: What do you want, mom?

Mrs Cooper: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?

Sheldon: Yeah.

Mrs Cooper: Well, I‘m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.

Sheldon: What for?

Mrs Cooper: Because you‘re going to go down to your office, you‘re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back.

Sheldon: No.

Mrs Cooper: I‘m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words ―if it please your highness?‖

Sheldon: I‘m not going to apologise, I didn‘t say anything that wasn‘t true.

Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it‘s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can‘t go around pointing it out.

Sheldon: Why not?

Mrs Cooper: Because people don‘t like it. Remember all the ass-kickingsyou got from the neighbour kids? Now let‘s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let‘s shove off. (Exits)

Sheldon: Wouldn‘t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.

Scene: The kitchen

Mrs Cooper: Problem solved.

Leonard: Really? That‘s impressive.

Mrs Cooper: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.

Scene: Dr Gablehouser‘s office

Mrs Cooper: Excuse me, Dr Gablehouser, are you busy?

Gablehouser: Well, actually….

Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, he‘s just doodling, get in here.

Sheldon: Dr Gablehouser.

Gablehouser: Dr Cooper.

Mrs Cooper: Let‘s go, baby, we‘re losing daylight.

Sheldon: Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out.

Gablehouser (to Mrs Cooper): I‘m sorry, we haven‘t been introduced. Dr Eric Gablehouser.

Mrs Cooper: Mary Cooper, Sheldon‘s mom.

Gablehouser: Now that‘s impossible, you must have had him when you were a teenager.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, aren‘t you sweet, his father‘s dead.

Gablehouser: Recently?

Mrs Cooper: Long enough.

Gablehouser (indicating chair): Please. Sheldon, shouldn‘t you be working?

Sheldon (leaving): Okay.

Leonard: Hey, how did it go?

Sheldon: I got my job back.

Leonard: Really? What happened?

Sheldon: I‘m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.

Leonard: That narrows it down.

Scene: Sheldon‘s bedroom. Mrs Cooper is tucking him in.

Mrs Cooper: I‘m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.

Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?

Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm?

Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?

Mrs Cooper: We‘ll see. Sleep tight.

Sheldon turns over to sleep in the glow of a luminous goldfish. 5. The Hamburger Postulate Scene: The CheesecakeFactory

Sheldon: Alright, I‘m moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.

Howard: Not so fast, remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.

Leonard: No, no, no, no, Orcs are magic, Superman is vulnerable to magic, not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.

Raj: Why don‘t you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh.

Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?

Howard: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu Gods against the entire Union army?

Leonard: And Orcs!

Penny: I‘ll be back.

Raj: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.

Penny: Alright, my boss says you either have to order, or leave and never come back.

Howard: What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sizedappetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk?

Penny: A shower.

Howard: I‘ll take the heart smart platter.

Penny: Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.

Sheldon: We don‘t eat here, I don‘t know what‘s good.

Penny: Well, it‘s all good.

Sheldon: Statistically unlikely.

Leonard: Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.

Sheldon: I like the hamburgerswhere we usually have hamburgers, you can‘t make the assumption that I‘ll like the hamburgers here.

Leonard: I‘m sorry. Give him a hamburger.

Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?

Sheldon: Can‘t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.

Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.

Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?

Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!

Sheldon: Fine, I‘ll have the Barbecue Burger.

Leonard: Make it two.

Sheldon: Waitresses don‘t yell at you at Big Boy.

Lesley (entering): Hey Leonard, hi guys.

Leonard: Hey Lesley.

Lesley: I didn‘t know you ate here.

Sheldon: We don‘t. This is a disturbing aberration.

Leonard: Lesley, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.

Howard: And walks in quiet beauty like the night.

Penny: Howard, I‘ve asked you not to do that.

Leonard: Lesley and I do research together at the University.

Penny: Oh, wow, a girl scientist.

Lesley: Yep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So, I‘m glad I ran into you, the physics department string quartet needs a new cellist.

Leonard: What happened to Elliot Wong?

Lesley: He switched over to high energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him. So, are you in?

Leonard: Yeah, sure, why not.

Lesley: Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.

Leonard: Why at my place?

Lesley: Yeah, the department of energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. Nice meeting you.

Penny: Yeah, you too. Leonard, I didn‘t know you played the cello?

Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn‘t getting me beaten up enough.

Howard: If you‘re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.

Penny: Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxingimaginable.) I‘m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend‘s really cute, anything going on with you two.

Leonard: Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?

Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure.

Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.

Sheldon: Oh, I‘m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?

Penny: Oh, that‘s too bad, you guys would make a cute couple.

Raj: Oh dear.

Howard: What‘s the matter?

Raj: She didn‘t take my order.

Howard: How can she take your order when you‘re too neurotic to talk to her.

Raj: Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip.

Scene: The stairwellof the apartment building.

Leonard: What did Penny mean, you‘d make a cute couple?

Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren‘t they adorable.

Leonard: If Penny didn‘t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That‘s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.

Sheldon: You‘re a lucky man, Leonard.

Leonard: How so?

Sheldon: You‘re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemispherecapable of following that train of thought.

Leonard: Well, what do you think.

Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn‘t say I cared.

Credit sequence.

Scene: The apartment living room. The string quartet are practising.

Lesley: I admire your fingering.

Leonard: Thank you.

Lesley: Maybe some time you can try that on my instrument.

Time jump

Lesley: Goodnight guys, good job.

Male string quartettist: Thanks.

Female string quartettist: See you next week.

Leonard: That was fun, Lesley, thanks for including me.

Lesley: You‘re welcome. If you‘re up for it we could practise that middle section again.

Leonard: Uh, sure, why not.

Lesley: Just so we‘re clear, you understand that me hanging back to practise with you is a pretext for letting you know that I‘m sexually available.

Leonard: Really?

Lesley: Yeah, I‘m good to go.

Leonard: I thought you weren‘t interested in me.

Lesley: That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.

Leonard: You mean my cello?

Lesley: No, I mean the obvious crude double entendre. I‘m seducing you.

Leonard: No kidding?

Lesley: What can I say, I‘m a passionate and impulsive woman. So how about it?

Leonard: Gee, uh…

Lesley: Is it the waitress?

Leonard: Penny? What about her?

Lesley: Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you‘re a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.

Leonard: Well, I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast, which could give a positive urine test for opiates but certainly not dilate my pupils, so I guess there‘s no point in bringing it up. Lesley: You and the waitress then?

Leonard: No. No, there‘s nothing going on between Penny and me.

Lesley: So, you‘re open to a sexual relationship?

Leonard: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.

Lesley: Good.

Leonard: Yeah, yeah it is good. Did you want to start now?

Lesley: Why don‘t we finish the section first.

Leonard: Oh. Okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific.

(They play, gradually going faster and faster.)

Leonard: I‘m good, I‘m good to go.

Lesley: Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)

Scene: The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny’s. Knocks on it urgently.

Penny (opening door): Oh, hey Sheldon, what‘s going on?

Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.

Penny: I‘m sorry?

Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it‘s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.

Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you‘re explaining yourself, but you‘re really not.

Sheldon: Just come with me.

Jump to the pair of them standing outside Leonard’s bedroom door. Bryan Adams “Have You Ever Loved A Woman” is emerging. There is a tie on the bedroom door.

Sheldon: Well?

Penny: Well what?

Sheldon: What does it mean?

Penny: Oh, come on, you went to college.

Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.

Penny: Alright, look, a tie on the doorknobusually means someone doesn‘t want to be disturbed because they‘re, you know, getting busy.

Sheldon: So you‘re saying Leonard has a girl in there.

Penny: Well, either that or he‘s lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.

Lesley (voice off): Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.

Penny: We really shouldn‘t be standing here.

Sheldon (entering living room): This is very awkward.

Penny: Oh, come on, you know, Leonard‘s had girls over before, right?

Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there‘s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.

Penny: Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommatewas having sex?

Sheldon: I didn‘t have to, the dates just happened to coincide.

Penny: So, do you know who‘s in there?

Sheldon: Well, there‘s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he‘s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930‘s gangster.

Penny: Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.

Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on.

Penny: What‘s the matter?

Sheldon: I don‘t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage?

Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you‘re asking the wrong girl. I‘m usually on the other side of the tie.

(Sheldon looks lost for a moment. The pulls out his mobile phone and dials.)

Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. It‘s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You‘re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley.

Scene: In Leonard’s Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.

Scene: Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley’s Violin case.

Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen)Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!

Leonard (entering): Hey, what‘s the matter?

Sheldon: My equations, someone‘s tampered with my equations.

Leonard: Are you sure?

Sheldon: Of course I‘m sure. Look at the

58 beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign‘s been changed.

Leonard: Oh yeah. But doesn‘t that fix the problem you‘ve been having?

Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I‘ve been having.

Lesley (entering): You‘re welcome.

Sheldon: You did this?

Lesley: Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?

Sheldon: Cool?

Lesley: Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night.

Leonard: Thank you, I‘ll see you at work.

Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!

Lesley: What?

Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?

Lesley: No-one.

Sheldon: I don‘t come into your house and touch your board.

Lesley: There are no incorrect equations on my board.

Sheldon: Oh, that is so… so…

Lesley: I‘m sorry, I‘ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves).

Sheldon: Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate.

Scene: The hallway.

Leonard (exiting the apartment): You can stare at your board all day Sheldon, she‘s still going to be right.

Sheldon (inside): I‘m not staring, I‘m mulling.

Penny: Oh, hey Leonard.

Leonard: Oh, hi.

Penny: So, how‘s it going?

Leonard: Pretty good.

Penny: Just pretty good, I‘d think you were doing very good.

Leonard: Pretty, very, there‘s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask?

Penny: Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night.

Leonard: Sheldon!

Sheldon: I‘m coming.

Penny: So, is it serious, do you like her?

Leonard: Wuh, I don‘t…. th-th-th-that‘s really two different questions, uh, I‘m not…. Sheldon, we have to go!

Sheldon: Boy, you‘re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.

Penny: Alright, well, I‘ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.

Leonard: Thank you. What did she mean, she‘s happy for me? Is she happy because I‘m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I‘m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.

Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

Leonard: You know what, I‘m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she‘s attractive, we like each other, she‘s extremely intelligent.

Sheldon: She‘s not that intelligent.

Leonard: She fixed your equation.

Sheldon: She got lucky.

Leonard: You don‘t believe in luck.

Sheldon: I don‘t have to believe in it for her to be lucky.

Leonard: Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I‘m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.

Sheldon: Leonard?

Leonard: Yeah.

Sheldon: I still don‘t care.

Scene: Leonard and Lesley’s lab.

Leonard: Hey, Lesley.

Lesley: Careful Leonard, liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.

Leonard: Brrrr. Why are you smashing a flash-frozenbanana.

Lesley: Because I‘ve got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn‘t find a knife.

Leonard: So anyway (puts arms around her) Hello.

Lesley: Uh, what are you doing?

Leonard: Just extending the intimacy. Do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?

Lesley: Okay, uh, what exactly do you think‘s going on between us?

Leonard: I‘m not sure, but I think I‘m about to discover how the banana felt.

Lesley: Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists but we both understand the biochemistry of sex, I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat‘s brain, give him an orgasm button, he‘ll push that thing until he starves to death.

Leonard: Who wouldn‘t?

Lesley: Well, the only difference between us and a rat is that you can‘t stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That‘s where you come in.

Leonard: Yeah, well, I‘m just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?

Lesley: Well, I don‘t know about your sex drive, but I‘m probably good till New Years.

Leonard: Oh. Okay. Thank you.

Lesley: Thank you!

Leonard: You want to make plans for New Years.

Lesley: Woah, Leonard, please, you‘re smothering me.

Leonard (leaving): Sorry.

Howard: Hey, look, it‘s Doctor Stud!

Leonard: Doctor what?

Howard: The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Lesley Winkle making eine kleine bang-bangmusic.

Leonard: Wha… how did it get on the internet?

Howard: I put it there.

Leonard: Well, how did you know about it?

Raj: A little bird told us. Apparently you are a magnificent beast.

Leonard: Well, that part‘s true!

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.

Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant.

Leonard: No kidding.

Sheldon: I won‘t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. Leonard: Your old Tuesday hamburgerwill be so broken hearted.

Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation.

Leonard: Really?

Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can‘t grow soup.

Penny: So, how‘s everything.

Sheldon: Terrific, you‘ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.

Penny: Really, oh yay!

Sheldon: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?

Penny: Um, I don‘t know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley?

Leonard: Oh, to be honest, I don‘t think it‘s going to work out.

Penny: Oh, oh that‘s too bad. Well hey, don‘t worry, I‘m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).

Leonard: Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?

Sheldon: You know why this hamburgersurpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.

Leonard: Are you even listening to me?

Sheldon: Of course I‘m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.

Leonard: Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup. (Sheldon nods).

6. The Middle Earth Paradigm

Scene: Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.

Raj: Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.

Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.

Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.

Howard: Yes, but you don‘t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein‘s Bar-Mitzvah party.

Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.

Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.

Leonard: Sheldon, let it go.

Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.

Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster.

Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.

Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling ―get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.‖

Penny (arriving): Oh, hey guys.

Leonard: Hello Penny.

Howard: Morning ma‘am.

Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun?

Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.

Penny: Okay, um, oh hey, I‘m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.

Leonard: A party?

Penny: Yeah.

Howard: A boy-girl party?

Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it‘ll just be a bunch of my friends, we‘ll have some beer, do a little dancing…

Sheldon: Dancing?

Leonard: Yeah, I don‘t know, Penny…

Sheldon: The thing is, we‘re not….

Leonard: We‘re really more….

Sheldon: No.

Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.

Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it‘s Halloween.

Sheldon: A Halloween party?

Howard: As in, costumes?

Penny: Well, yeah.

Leonard: Is there a theme?

Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween.

Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?

Penny: As usual, I‘m not following.

Leonard: He‘s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…

Penny: Sure.

Sheldon: What about comic-books?

Penny: Fine.

Sheldon: Anime?

Penny: Of course.

Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…

Penny: Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.

Howard: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.

Scene: The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.

Leonard (off): I‘ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)

Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)

Leonard: Oh, no.

Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)

Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!

Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.

Leonard: We all have other costumes, we can change.

Raj: Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.

Howard: No, no, no, it‘s a boy-girlparty, this Flash runs solo.

Leonard: Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?

All: Agreed.

Leonard: I call Frodo!

All: Damn!

Scene: The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.

Raj (Entering dressed as Thor): Hey. Sorry I‘m late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.

Leonard: You went with Thor?

Raj: What? Just because I‘m Indian I can‘t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That‘s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he‘s not English, but he‘s dressed like

Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he‘s obviously the Doppler Effect.

Howard: I‘m not Peter Pan, I‘m Robin Hood.

Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you‘re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it‘s basically the same look, man.

Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there‘s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.

Sheldon: I don‘t care if anybody gets it, I‘m going as the Doppler Effect.

Leonard: No, it‘s not…

Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!

Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.

Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?

Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.

Sheldon: Well, there‘s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.

Leonard: All I‘m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and… perhaps more. I don‘t want to look like a dork.

Scene: The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny‘s door with his bow.

Howard: Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I‘ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver.

Penny (opening door, not in costume): Oh, hey guys.

Leonard: Hey, sorry we‘re late.

Penny: Late? It‘s 7:05.

Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven.

Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.

Sheldon: It‘s 7:05.

Penny: Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.

Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom?

Penny: Probably, but in their own homes.

Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start?

Penny: The parade?

Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.

Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I‘m sorry but there aren‘t going to be any parades or judges or prizes.

Sheldon: This party is just going to suck.

Penny: No, come on, it‘s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that‘s so cute.

Leonard: Actually, Penny, he‘s Rob…

Howard: I‘m Peter Pan! And I‘ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.

Penny: No you don‘t. Oh, hey, what‘s Sheldon supposed to be.

Leonard: Oh, he‘s the Doppler Effect.

Sheldon: Yes. It‘s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.

Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I‘ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.

Leonard: Okay.

Sheldon: See, people get it.

Time shift, the party is in full swing, the four guys are sitting together around the coffee table.

Raj: Mmmm, by Odin‘s beard, this is good Chex Mix.

Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can‘t afford to swell up in these tights.

Sheldon: I‘m confused. If there‘s no costume parade, what are we doing here?

Leonard: We‘re socialising. Meeting new people.

Sheldon: Telepathically?

Penny (crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen): Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!

Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry‘s.

Leonard: She‘s not Catwoman, she‘s just a generic cat.

Sheldon: And that‘s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.

Howard: Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it‘s time for me to turn my head and cough.

Raj: What is your move?

Howard: I‘m going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she‘s thinking we‘re in sync, we belong together.

Leonard: Where do you get this stuff?

Howard: You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there‘s this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.

Raj: Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.

Howard: If that‘s a working stethoscope, maybe you‘d like to hear my heart skip a beat.

Nurse Costume Girl: No thanks.

Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

Leonard: I want to get to know Penny‘s friends, I just, I don‘t know how to talk to these people.

Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.

Leonard: How so?

Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.

Leonard: Go on.

Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomerapproaches the existing group with the greeting ―How wasted am I?‖ which is met with an approving chorus of ―Dude.‖

Leonard: Then what happens?

Sheldon: That‘s as far as I‘ve gotten.

Leonard: This is ridiculous, I‘m jumping in.

Sheldon: Good luck.

Leonard: No, you‘re coming with me.

Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so.

Leonard: Come on.

Sheldon: Aren‘t you afraid I‘ll embarrass you?

Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man.

Sheldon: Alright, but if we‘re going to use flight metaphors I‘m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.

Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi!

Leonard: Hi.

Sheldon: Hello.

Girl: So, what are you supposed to be?

Sheldon: Me? I‘ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!

Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train?

Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!

Girl: A brain damaged choo-choo train?

Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)

Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume.

Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!

Girl: I still don‘t get it.

Sheldon: I‘m the Doppler Effect.

Girl: Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it‘s very insensitive.

Leonard: Why don‘t you just tell people you‘re a zebra?

Sheldon: Well, why don‘t you just tell people you‘re one of the seven dwarves.

Leonard: Because I‘m Frodo.

Sheldon: Yes, well, I‘m the Doppler Effect.

Leonard: Oh no.

Sheldon: What?

Leonard: That‘s Penny‘s ex-boyfriend.

Sheldon: What do you suppose he‘s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.

Leonard: If he were any bigger, he‘d have moons orbiting him.

Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we‘ll be leaving now.

Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn‘t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).

Sheldon: You have a back-uphypothesis.

Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends.

Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.

Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.

Sheldon: Yes, but you‘re much closer to it than he is.

Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.

Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.

Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergonea paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn‘t have to back down.

Sheldon: True. Why don‘t you text him that and see if he backs down?

Leonard: No. I‘m going to assert my dominance face to face.

Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?

Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.

Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?

Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.

Kurt: What, you‘re a zebra, right?

Sheldon: Yet another child left behind.

Kurt: And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?

Leonard: No, I‘m a Hobbit.

Kurt: What‘s the difference?

Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.

Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?

Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.

Kurt: Well, whatever, why don‘t you go hop off on a quest, I‘m talking to Penny here.

Leonard: I think we‘re all talking to Penny here.

Sheldon: I‘m not. No offence.

Kurt: Okay, maybe you didn‘t hear me, go away.

Penny: Alright Kurt, be nice.

Kurt: Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.

Penny: Kurt!

Leonard: Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can‘t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you‘re driven to animalistic puffery.

Kurt: Are you calling me a puffy animal?

Penny: Of course not, no, he‘s not, you‘re not, right Leonard?

Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we‘re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.

Sheldon: If he understands that, you‘re in trouble.

Kurt: So what, I‘m unevolved?

Sheldon: You‘re in trouble.

Kurt: You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.

Penny: Okay, Kurt, please.

Leonard: No, Penny, it‘s okay, I can handle this. I‘m not a dwarf, I‘m a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-termto long- term memory?

Kurt: Okay, now you‘re starting to make me mad.

Leonard: A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what?

Kurt: What?

Leonard: I think I‘ve made my point.

Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.

Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.

Leonard: There‘s not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.

Kurt (physically lifting Leonard from the ground): C – O – N… frontation!

Penny: Kurt, put him down this instant.

Kurt: He started it.

Penny: I don‘t care, I‘m finishing it, put him down.

Kurt: Fine. You‘re one lucky little leprechaun.

Sheldon: He‘s a Hobbit! I‘ve got your back.

Penny: Leonard, are you okay.

Leonard: Yeah, no, I‘m fine. It‘s good, it‘s a good party, thanks for having us, it‘s just getting a little late so….

Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.

Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it‘s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place

Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.

Leonard: What‘s that?

Sheldon: Tea. When people are upsetthe cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had.

Leonard: Good night Sheldon.

Sheldon: Good night Leonard.

Penny (knocking on door and entering): Hey Leonard.

Leonard: Hi Penny.

Penny: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you‘re okay.

Leonard: I‘m fine.

Penny: I‘m so sorry about what happened.

Leonard: It‘s not your fault.

Penny: Yes it is. That‘s why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that.

Leonard: So why was he at your party?

Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was… just, all apologetic, about how he‘s changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I‘m an idiot because I always believe guys like that and… I can‘t go back to my party because he‘s there, and I know you don‘t want to hear this and I‘m upsetand I‘m really drunk and I just want to… (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard‘s shoulder.)

Leonard: There there.

Penny: God, what is wrong with me.

Leonard: Nothing, you‘re perfect.

Penny: Gah, I‘m not perfect.

Leonard: Yes you are.

Penny: You really think so, don‘t you? (She kisses hm.)

Leonard: Penny?

Penny: Yeah.

Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?

Penny: Just…. a lot.

Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn‘t have something to do with what‘s going on here?

Penny: It might. Boy, you‘re really smart.

Leonard: Yeah, I‘m a frickin‘ genius.

Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can‘t all guys be like you?

Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn‘t survive.

Penny: I should probably go.

Leonard: Probably.

Penny (in doorway): Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)

Leonard: That‘s right, you saw what you saw. That‘s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)

Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door.

Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)

Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?

Sheldon: He‘s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.

Howard: He‘s not the Marvel comic story, he‘s the original Norse God.

Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification.

Howard: I‘m supposed to give him a ride home.

Sheldon: Well I‘m sure he‘ll be fine. He has his hammer.

Scene: A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj.

Butterfly Girl: Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You‘re gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener!

(Raj puts hands behind head with a smug expression on his face.) 7. The Dumpling Paradox

Scene: The apartment, the living room.

Howard: Watch this, it‘s really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.

Howard‘s phone: Did you say, call Helen Boxleitner?

Howard: No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.

Howard‘s phone: Did you say, call Temple Beth Sader.

Howard: No.

Leonard: Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.

Howard‘s phone: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj‘s phone rings).

Raj: Oh, that‘s very impressive. And a little racist.

Sheldon: If we‘re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.

Leonard: So? We‘ll start now.

Sheldon: Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.

Raj: We can split it two, two and two.

Howard: If we‘re having anchovies on the pizza we can‘t take it out of bathroomtime. (There is a knock on the door.)

Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Leonard (opening door): Hey Penny, come on in.

Penny: Hey guys.

Howard: See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you‘ll have good luck.

Penny: No you won‘t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while.

Leonard: Sure. What‘s going on.

Penny: Well, there‘s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she‘s like ―Hey, how‘s California,‖ and I‘m like ―Awesome‖ ‗cos, you know, it‘s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she‘s invited herself out here to stay with me.

Sheldon: 8:08.

Penny: Anyway, she got here today, and she‘s just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she‘s slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwearyou have ever seen in my bathroom sink.

Howard: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse.

Penny: He really needs to dial it down.

Leonard: So, if you don‘t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay?

Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she‘s kind of family.

Sheldon: You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?

Leonard: Oh, I don‘t think she‘s a whore.

Penny: No, yeah she‘s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where‘s Howard?

Howard (voice off): Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you‘re new in town.

Sheldon: Oh good grief.

Scene: Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny‘s apartment door.

Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.

Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it‘s 8:13 and we‘re still not playing Halo.

Leonard: Okay, fine, we‘ll just play one on one until he gets back.

Sheldon: One on one? We don‘t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!

Leonard: Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.

Raj: Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there‘s a billion more where he came from.

Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I‘ll play.

Leonard: Great idea.

Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.

Penny: Why?

Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.

Penny: Oh, what, what, what?

Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.

Penny (picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television): Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off?

Sheldon: Mine.

Penny: Okay, I got this, lock and load boys.

Leonard: It‘s the only way we can play teams.

Sheldon: Yes, but whoever‘s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)

Penny: Ha-ha, there goes your head again.

Sheldon: Okay, this isn‘t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who‘s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!

Time shift

Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she‘s got me cornered, cover me.

Penny: Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha!

Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.

Penny: Yeah, so is Sheldon.

Sheldon: Okay, that‘s it, I don‘t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game.

Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something.

Sheldon: What?

Penny: This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it‘s raining you!

Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.

Penny: Gosh, he‘s kind of a sore loser, isn‘t he?

Leonard: Well, to be fair, he is also a rather unpleasant winner.

Penny: Well, it‘s been fun.

Leonard: You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.

Penny: Or we could just have a life.

Leonard: I guess for you that‘s an option.

Penny: Good night, Leonard.

Leonard: Good night.

Penny: As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)

Raj: What do you suppose she meant by that?

Leonard: She‘s an enigma, Raj.

Sheldon: And another thing, there‘s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…

Leonard: She‘s gone, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye.

Penny (entering again): Okay, I have a problem.

Sheldon: It‘s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it.

Leonard: What‘s wrong?

Penny: Um, well, Howard and Christie are… kind of… hooking up in my bedroom.

Leonard: Are you sure?

Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they‘re either having s*x or Howard‘s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?

Leonard: No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics.

Penny: Uh, the couch is good.

Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.

Leonard: Let me guess, you have a problem with this.

Sheldon: Where do I begin?

Leonard: It‘s up to you, crazy person‘s choice.

Sheldon: Well first, we don‘t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I‘d ask you to leave.

Leonard: Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else?

Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.

Leonard: So?

Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquakeand the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.

Leonard: I‘m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?

Sheldon: No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.

Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.

Penny: Hu.. what?

Sheldon: He‘s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It‘s the logical fallacy of extending someone‘s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it.

Leonard: I‘ll get you a blanket and a pillow.

Sheldon: Okay, well since I‘m obviously being ignored here, let‘s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroomfrom 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly.

Penny: How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?

Sheldon: I suggest no liquids after 11pm.

Leonard: Here you go.

Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.)

Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong.

Penny: I‘m listening.

Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.

Penny: Why?

Sheldon: It‘s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboardaway from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.

Penny: I‘ll risk it.

Sheldon: Hm!

Penny: Anything else I should know.

Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrushI‘ll jump out that window. Please don‘t come to my funeral. Have a good night.

Leonard: Sorry about that.

Penny: That‘s okay.

Leonard: FYI, his toothbrushis the red one in the plexiglass case under the UV light.

Penny: Got it.

Leonard: Well, sleep tight.

Penny: Thanks.

Leonard: Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight.

(Penny turns off light and lies down on couch. Across the room, Raj is still in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. Realising everyone has forgotten about him, he quietly lets himself out. Penny hears the door close, looks worried, then moves her head to the other end of the couch.)

Scene: The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down on Penny when Leonard enters.

Leonard: What are you doing?

Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.

Leonard: Penny‘s still sleeping.

Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….

Leonard: I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don‘t you just have breakfastin bed?

Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother‘s Day.

Penny: Uh, what time is it?

Leonard: Almost 6:30.

Penny: I slept all day?

Leonard: Oh, no, it‘s 6:30 in the morning.

Penny: What the hell is your problem?

Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.

Howard (entering): Ola, nerd-migos.

Penny: Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe?

Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry, I‘ll have it cleaned.

Penny: That‘s okay, keep it. Where‘s Christie.

Howard: In the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt, yours reaches places that mine just won‘t.

Penny: Y-you used my loofah?

Howard: More precisely we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out!

Penny: You can keep that too.

Howard: Ah, well then we‘ll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.

Christie (voice off): Howard?

Howard: In here my lady.

Christie (entering): Mmmm, there‘s my little engine that could.

Howard: chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).

Sheldon: Well there‘s one beloved children‘s book I‘ll never read again.

Christie: Hi, Christie.

Leonard: Leonard.

Sheldon: I‘m Sheldon.

Christie: Right, you‘re Howard‘s entourage.

Penny: Uh, so Christie, what are your plans?

Christie: Oh, well, Howard said he‘d take me shopping in Beverley Hills.

Penny: Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don‘t love having you, but it‘s… a little crowded.

Leonard: Penny, you‘re always welcome to stay with us.

Sheldon: Oh, terrific, now we‘re running a cute little B&B.

Howard: Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn‘t Christie stay with me.

Leonard: For one thing you live with your mother.

Howard: I do not, my mother lives with me.

Sheldon: Well then, it‘s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I‘ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it‘s more like Doctor Why Bother.

Leonard: Sheldon you just can‘t dictate…

Sheldon: No more talking, everybody go.

Howard: So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Castle Wolowitz?

Christie: What is that, like a Mexican deli?

Howard: I‘m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.

Christie: Oh, that‘s so cool. My first Jew!

Sheldon: I imagine there aren‘t many kosher corn-huskers.

Christie: But you‘re still taking me shopping, right?

Howard: Anything you want.

Christie: Okay, I‘ll go pack my stuff.

Howard: When they perfect human cloning I‘m going to order twelve of those.

Leonard: Howard, can‘t you see she‘s using you?

Howard: Who cares, last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept!

Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay, she‘ll have s*x with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.

Howard: Really?

Penny: Yeah.

Howard: Yay! If you‘ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash.

Scene: A Chinese restaurant.

Sheldon: I‘m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.

Leonard: We can‘t order Chinese food without Wolowitz?

Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So‘s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?

Leonard: I see a problem.

Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people.

Leonard: So, we‘ll just order three entrees.

Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling.

Raj: We could cut it into thirds.

Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open- facedsandwich.

Waiter: Hi fellas. Oh, where‘s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?

Sheldon: He‘s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that‘s punishable by death.

Waiter: I come from Sacramento.

Leonard: Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four.

Waiter: No substitutions.

Leonard: This isn‘t a substitution, it‘s a reduction.

Waiter: Okay, no reductions.

Leonard: Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that‘s twelve, we‘ll each have four.

Raj: That works.

Sheldon: No, if we fill up on dumplings we‘ll need to eliminate another entree.

Waiter: No eliminations.

Leonard: If we have extra, we‘ll just take the leftovershome.

Sheldon: And divide it how, I‘m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz.

Leonard: Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.

Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls.

Leonard: We don‘t order egg rolls.

Sheldon: Exactly, but we‘d have to if she was here.

Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there‘s an Indian starving right here.

Leonard: Here‘s an idea, why don‘t we just go out for Indian food.

Sheldon: No.

Raj: Uurgh.

Waiter: You are nice boys. Tell you what I‘m going to do. I‘m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I‘m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know.

Sheldon: I‘ll know.

Waiter: (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.)

Raj: How about soup?

Leonard: Yeah, we can always divide soup.

Sheldon: What about the won-tons?

Scene: Outside Penny‘s door. Leonard knocks.

Penny (answering): Oh, hey guys, what‘s up?

Sheldon: It‘s Halo night.

Penny: Yeah. Okay. So?

Leonard: Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie,

Penny: She‘s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty.

Leonard: Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?

Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don‘t think I need to tell you what an honour this is.

Penny: Oh, that‘s so sweet. But I‘m going out dancing with a girlfriend.

Sheldon: You can‘t go out, it‘s Halo night.

Penny: Well, for Penny it‘s dancing night.

Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Then it‘s not dancing night.

Penny: Look, why don‘t I play with you guys tomorrow?

Sheldon: Tonight is Halo night, it‘s like talking to a wall.

Penny: Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.

Leonard: Sheldon, remember, we role-playedthis.

Sheldon: Yes, but you didn‘t portray her as completely irrational.

Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.

Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.

Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can‘t, there are three of us and two of them.

Leonard: So?

Sheldon: It‘s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child‘s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.

Leonard: Aaah, for God‘s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy.

Sheldon: Your anger‘s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.

Leonard: No, I‘m pretty sure my anger‘s with you.

Raj: What‘s happening to us? We‘re falling apart.

Leonard: Who are you calling?

Sheldon: The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.

Howard (voice): Hi this is Howard Wolowitz.

Christie (voice): And this is Christie Van Der Bell.

Howard (voice): We can‘t get to the phone right now because we‘re having s*x.

Christie (voice): You‘re not going to put that on your message are you?

Howard (voice): No, I‘m just kidding, I‘ll re-record it. (beep)

Scene: Outside Howard‘s house.

Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you‘re going to ask Howard to choose between s*x and Halo.

Sheldon: No, I‘m going to ask him to choose between s*x and Halo 3. As far as I know, s*x has not been upgraded to include high-defgraphics and enhanced weapon systems.

Leonard: You‘re right, all s*x has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.

Sheldon: My point.

Christie (voice from within): I‘m just saying, you can take the damned plastic off the couch once in a while.

Howard‘s Mother (voice): Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?

Howard (voice): Ladies, ladies, I‘m sure there‘s a middle ground.

Christie and Howard‘s Mother together: Shut up Howard.

Howard (voice): You girl‘s talk, I‘m going to take my scooter out for a little spin.

Christie (voice as Howard emerges through door): Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house.

Howard‘s Mother (voice): Why don‘t you stop butting in where you don‘t belong.

Howard: What are you guys doing here?

Sheldon: It‘s Halo night.

Howard‘s Mother (voice): He‘s not a man, he‘s a putz, and don‘t you take that tone with me, you gold digger.

Christie (voice): What did you call me?

Howard‘s Mother (voice): You heard me, and I‘ll tell you something else, you‘re barking up the wrong tree, cos as long as you‘re around, Howard is out of the will.

Christie: (voice): You know what, I got better offers, I‘m out of here.

Howard‘s Mother (voice): That‘s right, go back to Babylon, you whore.

Howard: So, Halo night, huh?

Raj: I thought she was the whore of Omaha?

Sheldon: Shhh!

Scene: The apartment, Halo night.

Howard: Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he‘s charging his plasma rifle.

Sheldon: I can‘t shoot now, I‘m cloaking.

Leonard: Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.

Raj: I can‘t see him.

Sheldon: That‘s why the call it cloaking, dead man.

Leonard: Well then start throwing grenades.

Raj: I‘m all out.

Penny (entering with three other sexy women): Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have s*x with you.

Leonard: That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.

Sheldon: We said no tanks.

Raj: There are no rules in hell!

Howard: Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack!

Penny: Told yah! (They leave).

Leonard: There‘s a sniper, use your rocket launcher.

Raj: All I‘ve got is a needler, and I‘m all out of ammo.

Sheldon: And now you‘re out of life. Why did you hit pause?

Leonard: I thought I heard something.

Raj: What?

Leonard: No, never mind, alright, go.

8. The Grasshopper Experiment

Scene: The Apartment.

Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com.

Leonard: Problem?

Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don‘t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it‘s a nightmare.

Leonard: Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?

Sheldon: It‘s been in every wallet I‘ve owned since I was five.

Leonard: Why?

Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It‘s right here under Batman‘s signature.

Leonard opens door. Raj and Howard are outside. Raj is holding a laptopwhich is open. His parents are on the screen.

Raj: And this is Leonard and Sheldon‘s apartment.

Howard: Guess whose parents just got broadband.

Raj: May I present, live from New Delhi, Dr and Mrs V. M. Koothrappali.

Leonard: Hi.

Dr Koothrappali: Lift up the camera. I‘m looking at his crotch.

Raj: Sorry papa.

Dr Koothrappali: Oh, there‘s much better. Hi.

Leonard: Hi!

Raj: And over here is Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hi.

Raj: He lives with Leonard.

Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, that‘s nice. Like Haroun and Tanweer.

Raj: No, no, not like Haroun and Tanweer.

Mrs Koothrappali: Such sweet young men, they just adopted the cutest little Punjabi baby.

Leonard: Yeah, we‘re not like Haroun and Tanweer!

Dr Koothrappali: So are you boys academics like our son?

Together: Yes.

Dr Koothrappali: And your parents are comfortable with your limited earning potential?

Together: Not at all.

Raj: Papa, please don‘t start.

Dr Koothrappali: God, it‘s just a question, he‘s so sensitive.

Raj: Okay, that‘s my life, that‘s my friends, good to see you, say goodbye.

Together: Bye!

Dr Koothrappali: Wait, wait. Before you go we have good news. Put the computer down and gather your friends.

Raj: What is it papa.

Dr Koothrappali: Friends.

Howard (as they gather): Is it just me, or does webchattingwith your clothes on seem a little pointless.

Mrs Koothrappali: Rajesh, do you remember Lalita Gupta?

Raj: The little fat girl that used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable.

Mrs Koothrappali: Yes. Well, now she‘s a dental student at USC, so we gave her your contact information.

Raj: Why did you do that?

Dr Koothrappali: You‘re 26 years old Rajesh. We want grandchildren.

Raj: But Papa, I‘m not supposed…

Mrs Koothrappali: Lalita‘s parents approve the match.

Dr Koothrappali: If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.

Raj: Spring wedding?

Mrs Koothrappali: It‘s up to you dear, we don‘t want to meddle.

Raj: If you don‘t want to meddle, then why are you meddling.

Sheldon: If I may, your parents probably don‘t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children‘s lives.

Raj: Why are you telling me about my own culture?

Sheldon: You seemed confused.

Raj: Sorry, Mommy, Papa, but with all due respect I really can‘t go through…

Mrs Koothrappali: Sorry darling, we have to go. Doogie Howser is on. Grandma, it‘s Doogie time! Bye bye.

Dr Koothrappali: Bye bye.

Raj: I don‘t believe it.

Howard: Neither do I. Doogie Howser‘s been off the air for like, twenty years.

Leonard: Actually, I read somewhere that it‘s one of the most popular programmes in India.

Sheldon: It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one‘s children enter the medical profession.

Leonard: I bet you‘re right.

Howard: I bet they love Scrubs.

Sheldon: What‘s not to love?

Raj: Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?

Sheldon: I suggest you go through with it.

Raj: What?

Sheldon: Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.

Howard: It‘s the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof.

Leonard: I‘m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show.

Howard: Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally.

Sheldon: Understandable, but there‘s a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.

Howard: Let‘s not forget it‘s got some really catchy tunes.

All: (various noises of agreement)

Raj: Okay, I know what I‘m going to do.

Leonard: What?

Raj: Find new friends.

Howard: So who wants to rent Fiddler?

Sheldon: No need, we have the special edition.

Leonard: Well, maybe we are like Haroun and Tanweer.

Credits sequence

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon (on phone): This is Dr Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium. Yeah, well I‘m sorry too, but there‘s just no room for you in my wallet. Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History and, frankly, you don‘t have dinosaurs. Well I‘ll miss you too, bye bye. Okay, I know you‘re texting about me, and I‘d really like you to stop.

Raj (entering): Oh dear, I am rightly and truly screwed.

Leonard: Hey, I thought you were finding new friends.

Raj: I‘ve got some feelers out. In the meantime, listen to this.

Lalita (voice from Raj‘s phone): Hi Rajesh, this is Lalita Gupta. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So I‘m calling you, and, ah… call me back. Bye.

Raj: Can you believe how pushy she is?

Leonard: So don‘t call her.

Raj: If I don‘t call her, I won‘t hear the end of it from my parents.

Leonard: So call her.

Raj: How can I call her, you know I can‘t talk to women.

Leonard: I‘m done, anybody else?

Howard: Give me the phone.

Raj: Why?

Howard: Just give it to me. (Dials)

Raj: What are you doing?

Howard: Don‘t worry, you‘ll thank me. (In a fake Indian accent) Hello Lalita, Raj Koothrappali. (Raj starts to chase Howard across the room.) Yes it is good to talk to you too. So, what are you wearing. Oh, not important, so, anyhow, when would you like to meet. Friday works for me. And I call you with the time and place, but in the meantime, keep it real babe. (In own voice) You may now thank me.

Raj: For what, making me sound like a Simpsons character?

Howard: Fine, next time make your own date.

Raj: I didn‘t want to make this one.

Leonard: Look on the bright side, she might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl.

Raj: Great, then we‘ll get married, I won‘t be able to talk to her, and we‘ll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.

Howard: Worked for my parents.

Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys.

Leonard: Oh, hey.

Penny: I need some guinea pigs.

Sheldon: Okay, there‘s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.

Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I‘m going to get the hang of talking to you.

Leonard: His mom‘s been saying that for years. What‘s up?

Penny: Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.

Leonard: Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.

Sheldon: With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example.

Penny: So Leonard, how about it?

Leonard: Look, Penny, we‘d love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now.

And besides, he doesn‘t drink, so… (Raj whispers in his ear) Really? Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now and he‘d like to take up drinking.

Scene: Penny‘s apartment.

Penny: Okay, here you go, Leonard, one tequila sunrise.

Leonard: Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you.

Penny: Okay, Raj, what‘ll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard‘s ear.)

Leonard: Whatever you recommend.

Penny: Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?

Sheldon: I‘ll have a diet coke.

Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.

Sheldon: Fine. I‘ll have a virgin cuba libre.

Penny: That‘s, um, rum and coke without the rum.

Sheldon: Yes,

Penny: So coke.

Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it diet?

Penny: There‘s a can in the fridge.

Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

Penny: Then swim to Cuba.

Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

Penny: Okay, Raj, here you go. Alright, who‘s next?

Howard: I‘d like to try a slippery nipple.

Penny: Okay, you‘re cut off. Anybody need a refill?

Raj: Where did my life go, Penny? One day I‘m a carefreebatchelor, and the next I‘m married and driving a minivanto peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.

Penny: A… are you talking to me?

Raj: Is there another Penny here? I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astro-physics. But with a pen1s, of course.

Leonard: It‘s amazing.

Raj: Ever since I was a little boy my father wanted me to be a gynaecologist like him. How can I be a gynaecologist, I can barely look a woman in the eye. You know what, I‘m not going to let my parents control my future any longer, it‘s time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam.

Penny: Okay, sweetie, I think that‘s the grasshopper talking.

Raj: And it‘s about to tell my parents that I‘m not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.

Penny: Okay, calm down, no-one can make you get married. Why don‘t you just meet this girl and, see what happens.

Raj: Haven‘t you been listening to me, I cannot talk to women.

Leonard: Um… Raj.

Howard: No, no, let‘s see how long it takes him.

Penny: Um, Raj, honey, you say you can‘t talk to women but… you‘ve been talking to me.

Sheldon: And now we‘ll never know.

Raj: You‘re right. I… I am talking to you. Hello Penny, how are you?

Penny: I‘m fine.

Raj: Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the grasshopper. It‘s a sweet green miracle.

Penny: Okay, if you‘re going to drink on this date just promise me you won‘t overdo it.

Raj: Overdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything is going to be all hunky donkey?

Penny: Yeah, that. Uh, why don‘t you bring her to my restaurant when I‘m tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you?

Raj: Okay.

Leonard: Wait a minute, what‘s the plan here? Let‘s say he meets her and he likes her and they get married, what‘s he going to do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?

Howard: Worked for my parents.

Scene: The restaurant.

Raj: I can‘t believe I‘m sitting here next to little Lalita Gupta.

Lalita: Well, you are.

Raj: Little Lalita. That‘s kind of fun to say. Little Lalita, Little Lalita, Little Lalita, you should try it.

Lalita: No, it‘s okay.

Raj: You have lost so much weight! That must have been difficult for you because you were so, so fat! Do you remember?

Lalita: Yes, I do.

Raj: Of course you do. Who could forget being that fat?

Lalita: Well, I‘ve been trying.

Raj: So you‘re a dental student? Hmm, are you aware that dentists have an extremely high suicide rate? Not as high as, say, air traffic controllers, but then there are far more dentists than air traffic controllers, so in pure numbers you‘re still winning.

Lalita: Yay me!

Leonard (to Penny): You have a drink that‘ll make him less obnoxious?

Penny: Drinks do not work that way.

Howard: I‘d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.

Sheldon: Sorry I‘m late.

Leonard: What happened?

Sheldon: Nothing, I just really didn‘t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.

Penny: Okay.

Sheldon: In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.

Penny: Oh, I‘ll wedge it right in there.

Sheldon: So, how‘s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: That‘s Princess Punchali.

Leonard: I‘m pretty sure her name‘s Lalita.

Sheldon: No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess.

Howard: Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card.

Sheldon: It‘s a children‘s story.

Howard: Oh, no it isn‘t.

Sheldon: When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It‘s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.

Penny: I know the reason.

Leonard: We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?

Sheldon: That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?

Howard: Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but…

Raj: Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn‘t it great, she isn‘t fat any more!

Sheldon: Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.

Lalita: I‘m sorry?

Sheldon: You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali.

Lalita: Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that?

Sheldon: A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.

Lalita: Oh. Us Indian, or ―come to our casino‖ Indian?

Sheldon: You Indian.

Lalita: Oh.

Sheldon: The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.

Lalita: Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too.

Sheldon: I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.

Lalita: Really, so do I.

Raj: But you‘re a dentist, he‘s nuts.

Lalita: Don‘t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.

Sheldon: It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.

Lalita: Oh my.

Raj: Back off Sheldon.

Sheldon: What?

Raj: If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.

Sheldon: I‘m not hitting on her.

Lalita: And I am not your lady.

Howard: And you have no wrath.

Raj: You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.

Lalita: Okay, let‘s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don‘t need to be getting this old world crap from you.

Sheldon: Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom.

Raj: Oh, screw Princess Punchali.

Lalita: Hey, you can‘t talk to me like that.

Raj: But you‘re not Princess Punchali.

Sheldon: Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.

Lalita: Sheldon, are you hungry?

Sheldon: I could eat.

Lalita: Let‘s go.

Raj: What just happened?

Leonard: Beats the hell out of me.

Howard: I‘ll tell you what just happened, I just learned how to pick up Indian chicks.

Scene: The apartment. Raj is talking to his parents on the webcam.

Mrs Koothrappali: What are we supposed to say to Lalita‘s parents?

Dr Koothrappali: I play golf with her father, I won‘t be able to look at him.

Raj: Maybe you should keep your eye on the ball, Papa.

Dr Koothrappali: Oh, now you‘re a funny man? This is not funny, Mr Funny Man.

Leonard: Doctor and Mrs Koothrappali, in all fairness, it wasn‘t entirely Raj‘s fault.

Dr Koothrappali: This is a family matter Sheldon.

Leonard: No, I‘m Leonard.

Dr Koothrappali: Oh, sorry, you all look alike to us.

Raj: But he‘s right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything!

Mrs Koothrappali: Who is it? We can‘t see.

Dr Koothrappali: Turn us, turn us.

Raj: Go ahead, tell my parents why they won‘t have any grandchildren.

Sheldon: How would I know, do you have a low sperm count?

Raj: This has nothing to do with my sperm count.

Mrs Koothrappali: You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren‘t you Rajesh.

Raj: Yes Mommy.

Mrs Koothrappali: Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities.

Raj: Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.

Sheldon: What did I do?

Leonard: You left with his date. Friends don‘t do that to each other.

Sheldon: Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry.

Raj: Sorry? That‘s all you can say is sorry?

Leonard: Take it, Raj. It‘s more than I‘ve ever gotten.

Sheldon: And may I point out she wouldn‘t have asked me to go with her if you hadn‘t been drunk and boring.

Dr Koothrappali: Drunk?

Sheldon: And boring, her words.

Dr Koothrappali: I knew it, he moves to America and becomes an alcoholic.

Raj: I‘m not an alcoholic.

Dr Koothrappali: Then why were you drunk?

Raj: It was just this one time, Papa, I swear.

Dr Koothrappali: Are you in denial? Do we have to come over and do an intervention?

Mrs Koothrappali: Don‘t embarrass him in front of his friends.

Dr Koothrappali: Alright. Carry us outside, we want to talk to you in private.

Raj: But Papa, please….

Dr Koothrappali: Now, Rajesh.

Raj (to Leonard and Sheldon): I have to go.

Dr Koothrappali: Now listen to me….

Raj: Please wait until I get into the hall.

Sheldon: Okay, well, good night.

Leonard: Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita?

Sheldon: We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn‘t already know, and I came home.

Leonard: So you‘re not going to see her again?

Sheldon: Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist. (Exits)

Leonard: I wonder who‘s going to tell his parents they‘re not having grandchildren.

Scene: Penny‘s restaurant. Sheldon is on the piano, singing ―To Life‖ from Fiddler on the Roof enthusiastically.

Leonard: I don‘t believe it, what‘s gotten into him?

Penny: Oh, maybe a couple of virgin cuba libres that turned out to be kind of slutty.

Leonard: You didn‘t?

Penny: Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine. 9. The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization Scene: The apartment, Leonard is attaching something to a lamp.

Leonard: Okay, the X10s are online.

Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap).

Sheldon: Look at me, look at me, I‘ve got goosebumps.

Howard: Are we ready on the stereo?

Raj: Go for stereo.

(Howard clicks mouse again. Also Sprach Zarathustra begins to play. At the climactic notes, the four jump in the air and begin pretend conducting or jumping about in time to the music.)

Penny (entering): Hey guys.

All (calming down, embarrassed): Hello.

Penny: It‘s a little loud.

Howard: No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila.

Penny: Okay, thanks.

Leonard: Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.

Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.

Sheldon: No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.

Penny: Oh. You know you can just get one of those universal remotes at Radio Shack, they‘re really cheap.

100

Leonard: No, no, no, you don‘t get it, um, Howard, enable public access.

Howard: Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.)

Penny: Boy, that‘s brilliant, but I‘ll see you.

Leonard: No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See!

Penny: No.

Sheldon: Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.

Penny: Huh, well that‘s handy. Um, here‘s a question, why?

All together: Because we can. (There is a loud noise)

Sheldon: They found the remote controlled cars.

Penny: Well, wait, wait, what‘s on top of them.

Leonard: Wireless webcams, wave hello.

Howard: The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.

Sheldon: You may want to put on slacks.

Penny: What? (Seeing red car is trying to get between her legs) Ew, stop it, no, leave me alone.

Leonard: Who‘s running the red Corvette?

Howard: That would be me.

Scene: The same, clearing up.

Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we‘re disembodied brains in jars, we‘re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.

Raj: I don‘t want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.

Howard: I‘m with you. I just have to make sure if I‘m a synthetic human I‘d still be Jewish. I promised my mother.

Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that‘s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.

Sheldon: Not to mention you‘d have to power down on Saturdays.

101

Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?

Sheldon: Well, there‘s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam‘s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.

Leonard: It‘s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates.

Sheldon: I know. I read it before I threw it out.

Leonard: Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrockof my question, why did you throw it out.

Sheldon: Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn‘t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be.

Howard: I don‘t know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.

Leonard: Forget the parties.

Howard: Forget the parties? What a nerd.

Leonard: Are there any other honours I‘ve gotten that I don‘t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?

Sheldon: Leonard, please don‘t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.

Raj: Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was ―yo mamma.‖

Howard: I‘ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma‘s research methodology is so flawed….

Leonard: Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.

Sheldon: No we don‘t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional.

Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, I‘m doing it.

Sheldon: You can‘t. I‘m the lead author.

Leonard: Oh, come on. The only reason you‘re the lead author is because we went alphabetically.

Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You‘re welcome.

102

Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.

Sheldon: It doesn‘t need proving.

Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?

Sheldon: They‘re not supposed to, but they should.

Leonard: Alright, I don‘t care what you say, I‘m going to the conference and I‘m presenting our findings.

Sheldon: And I forbid it.

Leonard: You forbid it?

Sheldon: If I‘m not taking credit for our work then nobody is.

Leonard: Oh, you admit that it‘s our work.

Sheldon: No, once again, I‘m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.

Leonard: Ah!

Howard: Oh no he dit‘nt!

Scene: Leonard‘s bedroom. Penny is looking through his closet.

Penny: So, how‘s it going with Sheldon, are you guys still not talking to each other?

Leonard: Not only is he still not talking to me, but there‘s this thing he does where he stares at you and tries to get your brain to explode. You know, like in the classicmovie Scanners? (Put‘s fingers to head) You know, bzzz-pchew! Never mind. How about this one. It says, ―I know my physics, but I‘m still a fun guy!‖

Penny: Oh, hey, I didn‘t know they still made corduroy suits!

Leonard: They don‘t, that‘s why I saved this one.

Penny: Okay, well, let‘s just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these.

Leonard: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?

Penny: No, this is stuff I want you to throw out.

Leonard: Oh.

Penny: Seriously, don‘t even give it to charity, you won‘t be helping anyone. What‘s this.

Leonard: Oh, that‘s the bottled city of Kandor.

103

Penny: Uh-huh.

Leonard: You see, Kandor was the capital city of the planet Krypton, it was miniaturised by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.

Penny: Oh, nice.

Leonard: It‘s a lot cooler when girls aren‘t looking at it.

Penny: Here, why don‘t you put these on while I find a shirt and sport-coatto match.

Leonard: Great, be right back.

Penny: Well, where you going, just put them on.

Leonard: Here?

Penny: Oh, are you shy?

Leonard: No, I‘m not shy.

Penny: Don‘t worry, I won‘t look.

Leonard: I know you won‘t look, why would you look, there‘s nothing to see, well, not nothing….

Penny: Sweetie, put the pants on.

Leonard: Putting them on.

Penny: So, you know, isn‘t there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing.

Leonard: No. No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesise facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is batcrap crazy.

Penny: What is this?

Leonard: Oh, careful. That‘s my original series Battlestar Galactica flight suit.

Penny: Oh, why didn‘t you wear it at Halloween?

Leonard: Because it‘s not a costume, it‘s a flight suit.

Penny: Okay, alright, moving on, oh, wow, a paisley shirt.

Leonard: Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit.

104

Penny: If you mean it should end up in the same place then, I agree. Is this your… your only tie?

Leonard: Ah. Technically yes, but, if you‘ll notice, it‘s reversible. So it works as two.

Penny: Oh, sweetheart, I don‘t think it even works as one. Is this all your clothes?

Leonard: Yeah. Everything since the eighth grade.

Penny: The… the eighth grade?

Leonard: My last growth spurt.

Penny: Okay, well, I guess we‘re back to the corduroy suit.

Leonard: Great.

Penny: Yup. (Leonard picks up paisley shirt) I said no, put it down.

Scene: The ground floorhallway.

Penny: Hey Sheldon!

Sheldon (unlocking his mailbox): Hello Penny.

Penny: Get anything good?

Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.

Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn‘t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I‘m here all week.

Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I‘m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.

Penny: Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…

Sheldon: Oh dear God!

Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh.

Sheldon: A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

Penny: Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.

Sheldon: Huh.

Penny: Well how do you feel?

105

Sheldon: I don‘t understand the question.

Penny: Well I‘m just asking if it‘s difficult to be fighting with your best friend.

Sheldon: Oh. I hadn‘t thought about it like that. I wonder if I‘ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.

Penny: Wait… what?

Sheldon: I couldn‘t poop this morning.

Penny: You should just talk to him, I‘m sure you guys can work this out.

Sheldon: It‘s certainly preferable to my plan.

Penny: Which was?

Sheldon: A powerful laxative.

Penny: Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there‘s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.

Sheldon: Excuse me, little idea?

Penny: Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn‘t really understand it but…

Sheldon: Of course you didn‘t, he said little idea?

Penny: Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words.

Sheldon: In what words then, exactly

Penny: Um, gee, the exact words aren‘t written… it‘s more the spirit in which it‘s

Sheldon: What did he say?

Penny: You had a lucky hunch.

Leonard (coming out of apartment): Hey, Sheldon, I‘ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don‘t….

Sheldon: Don‘t you ever speak to me again.

Leonard: What… (Sheldon goes into apartment and slams the door).

Penny: Uh, he… (makes ―he‘s screwy‖ hand movements, turns to go).

Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed in the corduroy suit.

106

Leonard: Okay, I‘m leaving for the conference.

Sheldon: Have fun presenting my lucky hunch.

Leonard: Sheldon I didn‘t mean it like that.

Sheldon: Then why did you say it.

Leonard: I don‘t know, I wasn‘t choosing my…

Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?

Leonard: No, no not at all. A little bit.

Sheldon: How‘d that work out for you?

Penny (entering): Leonard, ready to go?

Sheldon: Libido 1, truth zero.

Leonard: Okay, I‘m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.

Sheldon: And I‘m telling you for the last time it‘s pandering, it‘s undignified and bite me.

Leonard: Let‘s go.

Penny: Bye Sheldon.

Sheldon: Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard‘s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!

Scene: A corridor at the conference. Penny is attaching Leonard‘s name tag.

Penny: There you go.

Leonard: You‘re right, this side does look better.

Penny: No, no, I didn‘t say better, I said less stained.

Howard: I just checked the house, there‘s probably twenty, twenty-five people in there.

Leonard: You‘re kidding.

Penny: Is that all?

Leonard: All? In particle physics, twenty five is Woodstock.

Penny: Oh, well, then good!

107

Leonard: I wasn‘t expecting such a crowd, I‘m a little nervous.

Howard: It‘s okay, just open with a joke, you‘ll be fine.

Leonard: A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there‘s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won‘t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum. (Raj and Howard laugh.) Right?

Penny: Oh, sorry, I‘ve just, I‘ve heard it before.

Howard: Let‘s roll. Hey, nice suit.

Leonard: It‘s a classic, right?

Penny: I really should have brought my own car.

Scene: Leonard is presenting.

Leonard: So, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and the solid becomes a super solid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter. (Applause) Thank you. (Penny is asleep on Howard‘s shoulder. Howard is taking a photographwith his camera phone.) Are there any questions?

Voice: Yeah. What the hell was that?

Leonard: Any other questions?

Sheldon (who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses): Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.

Leonard: I didn‘t skip it, it‘s just an anecdote. It‘s not science.

Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton‘s head, was that just an anecdote?

Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.

Sheldon: No, no that‘s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.

Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.

Sheldon: You continue to underestimateme, my good man.

Leonard: Look, if you weren‘t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.

108

Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don‘t need validation from lesser minds. No offence.

Leonard: Really, so why did you come?

Sheldon: Because I knew you‘d screw this up.

Leonard: I didn‘t screw it up.

Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.

Leonard: I‘ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn‘t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.

Sheldon: So you admit that you‘re an egotist?

Leonard: Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteemfrom strangers like you. But he‘s worse.

Sheldon: Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)

Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your mind.

Sheldon: Then I‘ll settle for an aneurysm.

Leonard (knocking his hands down): Stop it.

Sheldon: You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.

Leonard: You were trying to blow up my head.

Sheldon: So it was working.

Leonard: It wasn‘t, it was not, you are a nutcase.

Sheldon: Oh we‘ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.

Leonard: Stop, stop it, quit it. (The start to fight.)

Penny: Is this usually how these physics things go?

Howard: More often than you‘d think.

Leonard (getting Sheldon on floor): Vulcan nerve pinch!

Scene: The apartment.

109

Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home.

Leonard: You‘re lucky I didn‘t run you over.

Sheldon: I really don‘t understand what you‘re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there‘s just no pleasing you.

Leonard: You‘re right, I‘m the problem, I‘m the one that needs help.

Sheldon: Well that‘s not much of an apology, but I‘ll take it.

Leonard: Excuse me. Is there anything you‘d like to apologise for?

Sheldon: Yes. I‘m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.

Howard (entering with Raj): You won‘t believe this.

Raj: Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Now, who would do that?

Howard: That would be me. Hey, check it out, it‘s a featured video. (The watch).

Leonard: Oh jeez. Is this suit really look that bad?

Sheldon: Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I‘m like a flamingo on Ritalin.

Penny (entering): Howard, would you like to explain to me why your facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned ―Me and my Girlfriend?‖

Howard: Uh-oh, here comes ―the talk.‖

Penny tries to make Howard‘s brain explode.

Scene: Captioned ―Somewhere in China‖, two Chinese students watch the video on their computer.

Student one (in captions): What losers.

Student two: Yeah. Gigantic American geeks. (The lights flicker)

Student one: Who‘s doing that?

Student two: Someone from Pasadena, California named… ―Wolowizard.‖

Together: Awesome!

110

10. The Loobenfeld Decay Friends

Scene: The downstairs lobby.

Leonard: See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson‘s death in Terminator 2.

Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot17 year-old killer robot?

Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I don‘t know.

Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.

Leonard: Alright, oh wait, they use it to in…

Sheldon: (Buzzing noise), too late, I win.

Penny (voice off, singing, quite tunelessly): Let‘s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go- oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight.

Leonard: What the hell is that?

Sheldon: I don‘t know, but if cats could sing, they‘d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).

Penny (still singing off): You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we‘ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?

Leonard: What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.)

Penny: You‘ll never guess what just happened.

Leonard: Oh, I give up.

Sheldon: I don‘t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I‘m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.

Penny: What was that?

Leonard: Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?

111

Penny: Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshopproduction of Rent, but I didn‘t get it and I couldn‘t figure out why?

Sheldon: I have a conclusion based on an observation.

Leonard: No you don‘t. No he doesn‘t.

Penny: Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.

Leonard: Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.

Penny: It‘s not a big deal, just a one nightshowcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know.

Sheldon: I think I know.

Leonard: No you don‘t. He doesn‘t.

Penny: It‘s this Friday at eight, you guys want to come?

Together: No.

Leonard: Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.

Sheldon: I think that‘s a week from Tuesday at six.

Leonard: No, it‘s this Friday, at eight.

Penny: Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys.

Leonard: See you. (Penny exits singing)

Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.

Leonard: Yes, I did.

Sheldon: And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.

Leonard: So?

Sheldon: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.

Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety.

Sheldon: No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you‘d have done it a long time ago.

Leonard: That‘s very true.

112

Leonard exits. Sheldon looks worried for a moment, then retrieves the chicken from the bin and follows.

Scene: Outside Leonard‘s bedroom.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: I need to speak to you.

Leonard: It‘s two o‘clock in the morning

Sheldon: It‘s important.

Leonard: I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?

Sheldon: Yes.

Leonard (opening door): What?

Sheldon: You‘re right, it can wait until morning.

Leonard (following Sheldon into living room): What, what, what, what, what?

Sheldon: Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you‘re in no state to talk.

Leonard: Sheldon, what is it?

Sheldon: I‘m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.

Leonard: What was I supposed to say.

Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.

Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.

Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.

Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?

113

Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I‘d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.

Leonard: I couldn‘t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can‘t wait to hear you sing again.

Sheldon: Why?

Leonard: It‘s the social protocol, it‘s what you do when you have a friend who‘s proud of something they really suck at.

Sheldon: I was not aware of that.

Leonard: Well now you are.

Sheldon: Oh, alright. Leonard.

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can‘t wait to play you again. Goodnight.

Scene: Leonard‘s bedroom.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)…..

Leonard: Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?

Sheldon: I was analysing our lie, and I believe we‘re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.

Leonard: How?

Sheldon: Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcomingevents, scroll down to seminars, downloadthe pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

Leonard closes door.

Sheldon: Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today.

Scene: Outside Penny‘s door.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.

114

Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?

Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It‘s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I‘m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.

Penny: What do you want?

Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn‘t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?

Penny: I remember symposium.

Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.

Penny: Wait, what?

Sheldon: He lied, and I‘m feeling very uncomfortable about it.

Penny: Well imagine how I‘m feeling.

Sheldon: Hungry? Tired? I‘m sorry this really isn‘t my strong suit.

Scene: The living room.

Leonard: You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?

Sheldon: To help you.

Leonard: I‘m sorry, I‘m not seeing the help.

Sheldon: She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.

Leonard: Oh, I‘m getting a bad feeling.

Sheldon: Hunger? Indigestion, I‘m sorry I‘m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we‘re going to participate in my cousin Leopold‘s drug intervention.

Leonard: Your cousin Leopold?

Sheldon: Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it‘s important.

Leonard: What‘s important?

Sheldon: Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.

115

Leonard: Do you have a cousin Leopold.

Sheldon: No, I made him up. I think you‘d call him Lee.

Leonard: I don‘t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?

Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web.

Leonard: Un-unravelable?

Sheldon: Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she‘ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.

Leonard: Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.

Sheldon: Ah, because it‘s in Long Beach, and I don‘t drive.

Leonard: We‘re going to Long Beach?

Sheldon: No, of course not, there‘s no cousin Leo, there‘s no intervention, focus Leonard.

Leonard: Oh, come on!

Sheldon: We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.

Leonard: So he goes back into rehab?

Sheldon: Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.

Leonard: You still told her I lied.

Sheldon: For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug- addledfirst cousin, which I‘m assuming is embarrassing, yes?

Leonard: I don‘t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.

Sheldon: That‘s the best part, you don‘t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she‘s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force.

Leonard: So she‘s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we‘re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach?

Sheldon: Un-unravelable.

Scene: The apartment.

116

Leonard (opening door): Oh hey Penny, wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase, you look great.

Penny: Thanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium.

Leonard: Oh, well, thankyou.

Penny: You know, I got to tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that‘s not who you are, you are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when… when he has a symposium to go to.

Leonard: I don‘t know what to say.

Penny: It‘s okay, Leonard (hugs him.)

Leonard: Oh, okay, alright, good.

Howard (arriving): Oh boy, group hug.

Penny: Uh-huh!

Howard: Uh-huh?

Penny: Uh-huh!

Howard: Okay. So what‘s up?

Sheldon: Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one nightshowcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.

Howard: Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you‘re Bogarding the symposium.

Leonard: Howard, I‘m sorry… we‘re… we‘re

Howard: No, no, you‘re quarkblocking us.

Leonard: I don‘t know what to say.

Howard: Wow.

Leonard: Howard, listen…

Howard: No, it‘s okay, it‘s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.

Penny: Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.

Sheldon: Okay, sure. I don‘t see a problem with that.

117

Penny: There‘s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn‘t that right Leonard.

Leonard: Well… I don‘t know what to say.

Penny: It‘s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian

Sheldon: Good for you.

Penny: Hah, yeah! Because he didn‘t want Sheldon to be embarrassed, and there is nothing to be embarrassed okay, every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.

Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, I‘m lost too, I think she skipped a step.

Penny: No, look, Sheldon‘s cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he‘s in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family‘s going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he‘s such a good man.

Leonard: Oh, another hug, thank you.

Penny: Alright you guys, good luck.

Leonard: Thanks Penny.

Howard: Yeah, uh, break a leg.

Sheldon: Break a leg. (She leaves)

Howard: So, road trip to Long Beach.

Leonard: No, we‘re not going to Long Beach.

Raj: Why not?

Leonard: Because Sheldon doesn‘t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold.

Raj: Oh, too bad. I‘ve always wanted to go to Long Beach.

Sheldon: It‘s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it‘s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.

Raj: Sounds fun.

Howard: I‘m game.

Raj: Shotgun.

Sheldon: No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it‘s iffy.

118

Leonard: Wait, are we really going to Long Beach?

Scene: Leonard‘s bedroom. The table is piled with Queen Mary memorabilia.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…

Leonard: Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not.

Sheldon: No, that‘s the least of our worries. I‘ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there‘s a problem with the current version of our lie.

Leonard: What are you talking about, it‘s fine, she bought it, it‘s over.

Sheldon: Sadly, it‘s not. Substance abuse is a lifelongstruggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.

Leonard: Why not?

Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child.

Leonard: There is no Leo, how can you say that?

Sheldon: You didn‘t read the bio, did you? He‘s not just a middle child, he‘s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destructionis more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.

Leonard: I‘ve got a solution.

Sheldon: Great, what is it?

Leonard: Get out.

Sheldon: Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I‘ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I‘m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We‘ll talk in the morning.

Scene: The living room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. There is a strange man eating cereal at the kitchen table.

Strange man: Morning.

Leonard: Who are you?

Man: I am Sheldon‘s cousin Leo.

119

Leonard: Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.

Man: Au contraire. I‘m 26 years old, I‘m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I‘ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.

Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.

Man: Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.

Sheldon: For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you.

Leonard: Sheldon?

Sheldon: I‘m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he‘s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT.

Toby: It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards.

Leonard: Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?

Sheldon: Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.

Leonard: Oh…!

Toby: Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was 14 years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.

Sheldon: No. We‘re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.

Toby: Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?

Sheldon: Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.

Penny: Hi. How did the intervention go.

Sheldon: Unfortunately, we weren‘t able to convince him to go to rehab.

Penny: Well, based on what you told me, I‘m not surprised.

Sheldon: But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour.

120

Penny: Hi Leo, how are you feeling?

Toby: Let me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabagmotel, covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute?

Penny: No.

Toby: Then don‘t ask me how I‘m feeling.

Leonard: Well, that‘s Leo. Hey, um, why don‘t you tell me about your showcaselast night?

Penny: Oh, it was okay I guess, wasn‘t a big turn out but they both really seemed to like it.

Leonard: There were only two people there?

Penny: By the end. Yeah.

Toby: Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!

Penny: I‘m… I‘m sorry.

Toby: The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.

Sheldon: Don‘t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.

Toby: That‘s never been proven.

Sheldon: There have been studies.

Toby: Not double blind studies.

Sheldon: How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group.

Leonard: As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly, let‘s give them some privacy.

Penny: Yeah. Hey, do you want to come over to my place, have coffee?

Leonard: Sounds good.

Penny: I have a video of me singing last night, do you want to see it?

Leonard: Gee, why wouldn‘t I?

Penny: This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.

121

Leonard: Yeah! Funny how things work out.

Toby: And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide.

Sheldon: Your parents made the right decision.

Toby: I cannot work like this!

Scene: The apartment. Penny is on the sofa with Toby. They are watching TV.

Toby: This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or… or… wondering if you‘re a dude down there.

Penny: Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You‘re gonna do okay.

Toby: One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time.

Leonard: How long is he going to stay here.

Sheldon: He‘s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.

Friends

1. The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler:All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

122

Chandler:Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey: Instead of...?

Chandler: That's right.

Joey: Never had that dream.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very- very weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross: (mortified) Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler: Cookie?

Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

Joey: Ohh.

Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!

123

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica: No you don't.

Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler:Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?

Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

124

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!

Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)

Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.

Joey: I say push her down the stairs.

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

125

Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]

Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...

Phoebe: (sings) Raindropson roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebellsand sleighbellsand- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few...

Rachel: I'm all better now.

Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.

Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!

Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!

Joey: Who's Paul?

Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonightis with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross: He finally asked you out?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

126

Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...

Monica: (horrified) Really?

Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...

Ross: A wandering?

Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

(Monica goes to change.)

Joey: Hey, Paul!

Paul: Yeah?

Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.

Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!

Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

127

Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.

Ross: Okay, sure.

Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcasehere.

Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.

Joey: (picking up a leftoverpart) What's this?

Chandler: I would have to say that is an L-shapedbracket.

Joey: Which goes where?

Chandler: I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey: Done with the bookcase!

Chandler: All finished!

Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

128

Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

Ross: You guys.

Chandler: Oh, God.

Joey: You got screwed.

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

Monica: Oh my God!

Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

Monica: -leg?

Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.

Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.

Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)

[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]

Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!

Joey: Shut up!

129

Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)

Ross: That only took me an hour.

Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...

Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]

Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...

Monica:What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?

Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.

Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?

Paul: Isn't there?

Monica:Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?

Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.

Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...

Paul: It's okay...

Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?

Paul: Two years.

Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!

Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?

130

Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci.]

Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.

Rachel:Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]

Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?

Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)

Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.

Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.)

Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)

[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]

Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

Chandler: That is amazing.

Joey: Congratulations.

Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.

Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.

Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...

Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.

All: Morning. Good morning.

Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.

131

Joey: Morning, Paul.

Rachel: Hello, Paul.

Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?

(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)

Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much!

Monica: Stop!

Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.

Monica: We'll talk later.

Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)

Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?

Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.

All: Okayyy! (They do so.)

Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...

Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.

Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?

Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.

Joey: Look, it was a job all right?

Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'

Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)

Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."

132

Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)

Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.

Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.

Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.

Monica: Big time!

Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.

Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!

Monica: What for?

Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.

(Monica exits.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]

Frannie: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?

Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?

Monica: How do you do that?

Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who?

Monica: You know Paul?

Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.

Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

133

Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!

Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?

Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.

Monica: I hate men! I hate men!

Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.

Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)

Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?

Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!

(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)

Rachel: Guess what?

Ross: You got a job?

Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviewstoday.

Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!

Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...

Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!

Monica: How'd you pay for them?

Rachel: Uh, credit card.

Monica: And who pays for that?

Rachel:Um... my... father.

134

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]

Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.

Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.

Rachel: Thank you.

Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dadwas back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshieldsoutside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

(Pause)

Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...

Monica: All right, you ready?

Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the airplanewithout your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this!

Monica: You can, I know you can!

Rachel: I don't think so.

Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)

Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)

Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...

Monica: Rachel! That was a library card!

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..

Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)

135

Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!

[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcastday by playing the national anthem.]

Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?

Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.

Monica: You be okay?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?

Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.

Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.

(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)

Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-

Rachel: Sorry-

Ross: No no no, go-

Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-

Ross: Split it?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe...

Ross:Okay... okay, maybe I will...

136

Rachel: Goodnight.

Ross: Goodnight.

(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)

Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?

Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...

Monica: What? I-I said you had a-

Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...

Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?

Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?

All: Yes!

Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.

Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.

Ross: There's an image.

Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?

Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?

Rachel: I'm just serving it.

All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.

Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)

Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss? More coffee?

Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.

137

Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-

End

2. The One With The SonogramAt The End

[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]

Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

Joey: Yeah, right!...... Y'serious?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah!

Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

Monica: Absolutely.

Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-upcomedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]

Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry?

Marsha: Well, she has issues.

Ross: Does she.

Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!

Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?

138

Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?

(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)

Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No.

Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!

Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.

(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)

Ross:Hi.

Carol: So.

Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that.

Carol: Sorry. You look good too.

Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh...

Carol: A lesbian?

Ross:Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?

Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-

Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?

Carol: I'm pregnant.

Ross: Pregnant?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's Company.]

Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)

Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that?

Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.

Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?!

139

Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.

(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)

Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine!

Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have.

Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.

Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.

Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.

Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.

Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!

All: Eeaagh!

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful.

Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.)

Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that!

Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder...

Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!

140

Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!

Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?

Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!

Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...

Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...

Chandler: ...Dinah?

Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...

Monica: You didn't.

Rachel: Oh, I am sorry...

Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.)

Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!

Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne...

Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it.

Chandler: Boys? We're going in.

(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.)

Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.

Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.

Ross:Carol's pregnant.

Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!

Monica:W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...

Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.)

Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?

Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?

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Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.

Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her.

Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'?

Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.

Ross:Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogramthing with them tomorrow.

Rachel: So what are you gonna do?

Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.

(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)

Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?

[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their parents.]

Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste?

Monica: Curry.

Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!

Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.

Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?

Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.

Ross: Aw, Mom...

Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?

Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-

Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.

Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)

Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?

Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)

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Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy.

Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby-lesbianthing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.

[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]

Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well.

Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!

Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...

Monica: What's that supposed to mean?

Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.

Monica: No it's not.

Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.

Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?

Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

(Stunned silence ensues.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?!

Commercial Break

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[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]

Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?

Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.

Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) - I'd want yours.

Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.)

Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.

Rachel: You're twins?

Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.

Chandler: What does she do?

Phoebe: She's a waitress.

Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leave.)

Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.

Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred.

Rachel: The lights, please..

(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)

Ross: ...How long was I in there?

Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.

Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?

Rachel:Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.)

Ross:Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?

Rachel:Oh.. a little..

Ross:Mm-hmm..

Rachel: A lot.

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Ross: Mm.

Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?

Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...

Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?

Ross: Got me.

Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?

Ross: Yes, yes!

Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.)

Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his hand.)

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]

Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.

(Susan enters holding a drink.)

Susan: Hi.

Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.

Ross: How could I forget?

Susan: Ross.

Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?

Carol: Dr. Oberman.

Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-

Susan: She.

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Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?

Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.

Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.

Carol: Thanks.

Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack..

Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)

[Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Barry?

Barry: C'mon in.

Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?

Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.

Robbie: Huh?!

Barry: So, how ya doin?

Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!

Barry: Yeah, well..

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.

Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.

(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)

Rachel: I dumped him.

Robbie: Okay.

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this is going to work.]

Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?

Carol: Give me a 'for instance'.

Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?

Carol: Marlon-

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Ross: Marlon?!

Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.

Ross: ...As in Mouse?

Carol: As in my grandmother.

Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?

Carol:Julia..

Susan: We agreed on Minnie.

Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?

[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeupin the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.]

Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?

Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.

Barry: Oh, that's great.

Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?

Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.

Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoonalone?

Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.

Robbie: Me?!

Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.

Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!

Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.

Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You've got plugs!

Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.

Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!

Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.

147

Rachel:Okay..

Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.

Rachel: Wow.

Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.

Rachel: What?

Robbie: Me. (Spits.)

Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.

Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.

(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)

Robbie: Hello?!

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.]

Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?

Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so.

Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.

Ross: Thank you!

Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller.

Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?

Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.

Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?

Susan: It's my baby too.

Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.

Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!

Carol: All right, you two, stop it!

Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.

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Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.

Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.

Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!

Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do-

Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?

All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.

Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..

Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now.

(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogramcatches hes ear. He returns and stares at it.)

Ross: Oh my God.

Susan: Look at that.

Carol: I know.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is on the phone.]

Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing?

Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?

Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.

Ross: Then don't do that, alright?

Phoebe: Okay!

Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think?

149

Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.

Ross: Wh- are you welling up?

Monica: No.

Ross: You are, you're welling up.

Monica: Am not!

Ross: You're gonna be an aunt.

Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!

Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairlineand your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.

3. The One With The Thumb

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!

All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'

All: Ohh. Ouch.

Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.

Rachel: Since when?

Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.

Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearingalcoholics and complaining about them to you'.

Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.

Rachel: And everybody knows this?

150

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

Monica: Uh, Ross.

Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]

Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"

Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."

Chandler: Hey, that was really good!

Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.

Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"

Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."

Chandler: "Smoke away."

(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)

Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Relax your hand!

(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)

Chandler: Not so much!

Joey: Whoah!

Chandler: Hey!

151

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.

(Joey tries and visibly winces.)

Chandler:Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)

Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

Joey: Y'miss it?

Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)

[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.]

Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.

(The guys stretch out their fingers.)

Joey: That's ridiculous!

Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?

Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black..Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!

All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!

(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi.)

Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.

Monica: What did they do to you?

152

Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

Ross: Easy.

Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...

Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...

Monica: We're with you. We got it.

(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)

Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.

Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?

(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)

All: Oh! Oh, God!

Ross: What is this?!

Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!

Chandler: And this- is my reward!

Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!

All: Ohhh! Put it out!

153

Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!

Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.

Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?

Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.

Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?

Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.

All: Oh, come on! Come on!

Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.

Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.

Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.

Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?

Monica: Nope. Schhorry.

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]

Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.

Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.

Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.

Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]

Joey: Let it go, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.

Monica: Do you all promise?

All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!

154

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)

Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tippedlittle buddy has to stay outside!

(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)

(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)

Ross: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a footballphone!

Rachel: What bank is this?

(The intercombuzzes.)

Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?

Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan.

Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!

(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)

Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.

(She opens the door and Alan enters.)

Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

Alan: Hi.

All: Hi, Alan.

Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!

(Everyone laughs.)

[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]

Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?

(Silence.)

155

Monica: C'mon!

Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.

All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!

Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?

All: Yeah!

Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)

The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.

Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

Ross: ...What shoe?

Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'

(Dubious pause.)

Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstickagainst which all future boyfriendswill be measured.

Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.

Monica: Really!

Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)

Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?

All: What?

Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.

All:Yeah...

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softballgear.]

Monica:Hi.. how was the game?

156

Ross:Well..

All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

Joey: Alan.

Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...

Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..

Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..

Ross: What?

Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?

Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.

Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.

Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.]

Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.

Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.

Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.

Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?

Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)

Lizzie: Saltines?

Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a footballphone?

Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here.

Phoebe: I know.

157

Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?

Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.

Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.

Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no.

Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foilhat?

Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.

Lizzie: Please, let me do something.

Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?

Lizzie: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]

Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?

Phoebe: No, I'm fine.

Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.

(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)

Phoebe: Huh!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]

Ross: A thumb?!

(Phoebe nods.)

All: Eww!

Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?

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Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see?

All: Nooo!

(Chandler lights a cigarette.)

All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!

Rachel: It's worse than the thumb!

Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!

Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?

Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-crackingisn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncingevery single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Joey: ...Does the knuckle-crackingbother everybody?

Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.

Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?

(Phoebe spits out her hair.)

Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.

Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?

(Monica laughs and snorts.)

Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.

Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]

Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?

Paula: No.

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Monica:Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.

Paula:Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!

Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.

Paula:Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!

Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.

Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.

Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.

[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]

Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?

Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?

Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.

Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)

Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good.

Ross: If only he were a woman.

Rachel: Yeah.

(They give each other a dubious look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.]

Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.

Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)

Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey?

Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

160

Rachel: I think he's across the hall.

Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)

Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go.

Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?

Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

Ross: Hey, I might!

Phoebe:Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.

All: You're kidding. Oh my God.

Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!

Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on?

Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.

Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..

Rachel: Uh, Joey..

Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)

Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..

All: Oh! That was Lambchop!

Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk.

Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.

Monica: Alright, we have to talk.

Phoebe: There it is!

Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.

(They all gasp and clutch each other.)

Ross: Is there somebody else?

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Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.

Rachel: We didn't change..

Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?

Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)

Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-

Joey: Okay!

Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!

Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.

Monica: I'm sorry..

Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!

Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.

All: Oh, yeah! Right!

Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?

Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.

Monica: (dubious) I understand.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]

Alan: Wow.

Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry.

Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.

Monica: Relieved?

Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream.]

162

Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.

Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking.

Monica: (entering) Hi.

All: Mmm.

Ross: So how'd it go?

Monica: Oh, y'know..

Phoebe: Did he mention us?

Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)

Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.)

Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.

All: No no no!

Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!

Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!

Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.

4. The One With George Stephanopoulos

Monica: Alright. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotentfor a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you?

Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotentfor a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.

Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (Joey enters.)

All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.

Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

163

Joey: Probably kill myself!

Monica: ..Excuse me?

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live!

Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.

Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe sleep.]

Monica: How does she do that?

Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.

Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi.

Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.

Monica: What's going on with you?

Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: My grandmotherhas this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!

Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Chandler and Joey enter. Joey is counting his steps.)

Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time.

Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthdayboy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers- Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.

Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!

164

Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)

Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?

Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty."

Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?

Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.

Ross: Ohhh.

Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth?

Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?

Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!

Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.

Joey: C'mon, Ross!

Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?

Chandler: You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)

Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.

Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?

165

Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?

Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally—(opens envelope)—not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that.

Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.

Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.

Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.

Monica: Yeah, yeah.

Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight.

All: Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne. The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)

Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?

Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.

Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.

Rachel: What are you guys doing here?

Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!

Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.

Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!

Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.

Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you?

Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)

Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)

Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each other.]

166

Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)

Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)

Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.

Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on. Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops and whines.)

Joey: What?

Ross: Peach pit.

Chandler: Yes, Bunny?

Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-

Joey: -Peaches?

Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically...

Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach.

Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.

Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]

Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!

Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!

Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.

Rachel: Okay.

Joanne: When are you coming home?

Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.

Joanne: C'mon, this is us.

Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-

167

Kiki: Waitressing?

Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]

Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)

Rachel: What's that?

Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and-

Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)

Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!

Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.

Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.

Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!

Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.

Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?

Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?

Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play Twister!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.]

168

Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.

Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?

Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost...

Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]

Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?

Phoebe: You are just like Jack.

Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica: Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in theVillage..

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...

Phoebe: Floopy?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.

Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together?

Monica: ...Pheebs?

169

Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question.

Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]

Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!

Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.

Ross: Pass it! Pass it!

Chandler: He's open!

All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face. Chandler looks concered until he notices...)

Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!

(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading Ross in.]

Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.

Receptionist: (holds up her hand—she is on the phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.

Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)

Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)

Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.

Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.

Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.

Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys back off) Heyy...

170

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]

Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.

Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)

Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!

Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the door.)

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Do you have a plan?

Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.

Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?

Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-freecrust with extra cheese.

Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!

Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'

Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!

Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?

Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?

Phoebe: And-and a power tie?

Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.

Monica: (staggered) Oh God.

Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back?

Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?

Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.

171

Monica: I see pizza!

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)

Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?

Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?

Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!

Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.

Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.

Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.

Monica: Oh, no...

Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads. Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]

Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the balcony.]

Monica: Light still out?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping.

Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex.

Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!

Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like?

Monica: I think he's shy.

Phoebe: Yeah?

172

Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]

Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.

Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillersover here, please?

Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.

Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated...

Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?

Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...

Chandler: Then what?

Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles the last part)

Joey: What?

Ross: It was my first time.

Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.

Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been with one—(He gets a look too)—oh.

Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the balcony.]

Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?

173

Phoebe: You'd already broken up.

Rachel: How long?

Phoebe: A couple hours.

Monica: Oh, that's nice!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.

Monica: Excuse me?!

Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.

Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!

Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble)

Phoebe: There he is! There he is!

Monica: Where?

Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all night!

Rachel: He is so cute!

Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!

All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the—(pause)—wowww.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]

Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?

Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)

Both: Hey, buddy.

Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose. He tosses some forms onto reception desk.)

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive.

174

Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.

Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?

Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.

Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.

Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)

Chandler: You gotta do it, man.

Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever—(to Chandler)—can't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.

Kid: No.

Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!

Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.)

Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!

Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)

Ross: ...Nowthat was fun.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]

Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.

Monica: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo.

(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)

Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)

Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively)

(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)

Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?

175

Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.

Ross: Green. To the green.

Rachel: (on phone) I've got magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind.

Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)

Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine.

5. The One With The East German Laundry Detergent

[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]

Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.

Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.

Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.

(Long pause.)

Ross: Multiple orgasms!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]

Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!

Joey: No plans, huh?

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Chandler: Not a one.

Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?

Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.

Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.

Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.

Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.

Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.

Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.

Ross: Tony?

Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.

Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?

Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?

Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.

Ross: That guy, he burns me up.

Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.

Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Monica: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".

Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

177

(Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)

Angela: Hi, Joey.

Joey: My god, Angela.

(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)

Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.

Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there?

Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela.

Angela: (casually) Joey.

Joey: You look good.

Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.

Joey: You don't say.

(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)

Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?

Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.

Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?

Rachel: Who?

Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here?

Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your building?

Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?

Rachel: Sure.

(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)

Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.

Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?

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Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...

Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?

Joey: What?

Angela: We're just friends.

Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?

Angela: What four of us?

Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.]

Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.

Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...

Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.

Joey: What?

Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!

Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.

Monica: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.

Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]

Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.

Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?

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Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.

Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.

Ross: Nuh-uh.

Chandler: Yuh-huh.

Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?

Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?

Ross: (sheepish) No.

Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?

Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.

Chandler: There you go.

[Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela's brother.]

Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: Which?

Joey: Which what?

Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?

Joey: No, but he's...

Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...

(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)

Angela: Hey, Joey.

Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]

Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?

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Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.

(Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)

Chandler: Here we go.

Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.

Chandler: Hey, Janice.

Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?

Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...

(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)

Chandler: What?

Janice: What?

Chandler: (covering) What... did you get me there?

Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)

Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.

Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

Chandler: That's great.

(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)

Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?

Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.

(Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.)

181

Chandler: That's it?

Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.

Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there.

[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]

Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.

Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.

Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.

Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.

Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.

Rachel: What?

Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?

(Ross arrives.)

Ross: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.

Ross: Was your basket on top?

Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.

Ross: So?

Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.

Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's machine.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.

Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.

(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)

Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.

182

Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.

Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.

(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)

Rachel: What's that?

Ross:Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.

(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)

Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?

Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?

Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?

Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.

Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-pantythings.

Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?

Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]

Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys grow up?

Angela: Brooklyn Heights.

Bob: Cleveland.

Monica: How, how did that happen?

Joey: Oh my god.

Monica: What?

Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.

Commercial Break

183

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]

Joey: So, you and Angela, huh?

Bob: Yep. Pretty much.

Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.

Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.

Bob: Monica, Monica is great.

Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.

[Scene: The ladies' bathroomat the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]

Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.

Angela: Yeah, isn't he?

Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.

Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.

Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.

Angela: Huh. That's nice.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]

Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

(Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)

Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.

Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

[Scene: The laundromat.]

Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.

184

Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.

Rachel: What uh-oh?

Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Rachel: Ross, what's the matter?

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.

Rachel: Come on, show me.

Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.

Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.

Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.

Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!

(The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)

[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]

Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?

(Her and Joey walk away from the table.)

Monica: Oh my god.

Joey: What?

Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktailsin Appalachia.

Joey: Come on, they're close.

Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.

Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.

185

Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's—not really true, is it?

Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...

Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?

Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.

Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh!

Joey: Ow!

Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

[Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]

Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-likenoise Joey had told Bob about.)

Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]

Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.

Janice: Ow!

Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?

Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.

(She leaves.)

Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-upin the history of the world.

Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have you had?

186

Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?

Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.

Chandler: I'm fine.

Phoebe: All right.

(Janice returns from the bathroom.)

Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.

Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.

(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)

Chandler: How do you do that?

Phoebe: It's like a gift.

Chandler: We should always always break up together.

Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.

[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pinkclothes.]

Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.

Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.

(The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.)

Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.

Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inchwaist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.

(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)

Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.

Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!

Woman: Let go!

(They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!

187

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?

Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: No.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepackto his head.]

Rachel: Oh, are you sure you're ok?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Does it still hurt?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (seeing Rachel's clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.

(Monica and Joey enter.)

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hey, how'd it go?

Joey: Excellent.

Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.

Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.

Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Where's Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.

188

(Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)

Chandler: I'm free! I'm free!

Phoebe: That oughta do it.

6. The One With The Butt

[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.]

Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!

Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...

Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!

(The lights dim.)

Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)

Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)

All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang...

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]

Rachel: God. I feel violated.

Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?

Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.

Ross: Is it? Feels like two.

Chandler: No, ten o'clock.

189

Ross: What?

Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!

Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!

Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.

Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.

Monica: You could do that!

Chandler: Y'think?

All: Yeah!

Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...

Ross: C'mon! C'mon!

Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)

Aurora: ...Yes?

Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.

Aurora: Yes, you said that.

Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)

Aurora: Chandler?

190

(Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)

All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: Whadja think?

(Pause)

All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.

All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.

Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)

Rachel: What is it?

Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!

Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, kids.

All: Hey.

Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.

Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.

Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?

Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...

(A flashbackof Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)

Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.

191

Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.

Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.

Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?

Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.

Joey: Who's Rick?

Chandler: Who's Rick?

Aurora: My husband.

All: Ooooohhh.

Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?

Aurora: No.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?

Aurora: No, I'm still married.

Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?

Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan.

Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?

Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.

All: What?!

Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?

Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.

Chandler: ...Hm.

Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?

192

Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?

Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?

Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

Joey: I couldn't do it.

Monica: Good for you, Joey.

Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-

(They all pretend to fall asleep.)

Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.

Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!

All: Yeah! C'mon!

Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-

(They all fall asleep again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]

Rachel: Tah-daaah!

Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.

Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.

Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.

Rachel: Well, whaddya think?

All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!

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Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.

All: Uh-oh...

Monica: How-how did that happen?

Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.

Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.

Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.

Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!

Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

Monica: That is so unfair!

Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Anndoll that wasn't raggedy!

Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.

Ross: Alright, you madcapgal.Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.

Monica: Why not?

Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.

Monica: I could do that.

Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pourspout.

Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.

Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...

Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?

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Ross: Monica? You're Mom.

(Monica gasps.)

Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)

Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!

All: Oh my God! Whoah!

Monica: Well, what's the part?

Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom'sout of order!"

Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?

Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?

Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)

Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?

Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]

Monica: Alright, alright, alright...

(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)

195

Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.

Monica: For what?

Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!

Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.

Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)

(Chandler enters with the phone.)

Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.

Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!

Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!

Monica: I warned you...

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Who is being loud?

Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.

Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?

Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)

Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?

Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)

Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.

(She opens the door and he leaves.)

[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]

Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?

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Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.

Director: Lose the robe.

Joey: Me?

Director: That would work.

Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.

Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.

(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)

Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?

Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.

Director: No, that was clenching.

Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.

Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?

Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.]

Chandler: God, I love these fingers...

Aurora: Thank you.

Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.

Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)

Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)

Aurora: Okay.

Chandler: Don't go.

Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.

Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.

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Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.

Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.

Aurora: It's not Rick.

Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!

Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew.

Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?

Aurora: He's... new.

Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?

Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was..

Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us.

Aurora: So what do you want?

Chandler: You.

Aurora: You have me!

Chandler: Nono, just you.

Aurora: Whaddyou mean?

Chandler: Lose the other guys.

Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?

Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not?

Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.

Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'

Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?

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Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...

Aurora: Which one?

Chandler: ...The second guy.

Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you change your mind.

(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)

Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to comfort Chandler. Joey is absent.]

Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again?

(Joey enters.)

All: Hey!

Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?

Joey: Nope.

Ross: No? What happened, big guy?

Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?"

Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment.

Joey: I got fired.

All: Oh!

Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...

Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.

Joey: My mom will.

Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.

Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!

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Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.

Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?

Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked.

Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.

Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)

(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)

Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys.

All: Night.

Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here?

Monica: (determined) Uh-huh!

Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner?

Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (He goes to her room.)

Ross: She is a kook.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]

Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.)

7. The One With The Blackout

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.]

Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay.

200

(applause)

Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you very much.

[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.]

Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...

(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!

Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on.

Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.

Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power companyguys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs up)

Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?

(Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)

Phoebe: Well, I never call me.

[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.]

Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.

Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.

Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!

Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.

Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.

201

Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.

Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy.

(Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)

[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]

Joey: Hi everyone.

Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.

Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomatewas Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.

Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.

(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)

Rachel: That had to hurt!

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!

(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.)

Chandler: There you go!

(He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.)

Chandler: You're definitely scaring here.

Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? (offering phone)

Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]

Monica: Hello?

Chandler: Hey, it's me.

Monica: (to everyone) It's Chandler! (on phone) Are you OK?

Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.

202

Monica: What?

Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!

Monica: I have no idea what you just said.

Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.

Joey: What's up man?

Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.

Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)

Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.]

Rachel: Alright, somebody.

Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table.

All: Whoooaa!

Ross: That's my sister.

Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library.

Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library?

Ross: Pheebs, what about you?

Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee.

Rachel: Um... Ross?

Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'

All: No way!

Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.

Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.

203

Monica: You did not go!

All: Come on.

Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.

Ross: Step back.

Joey: We have a winner!

[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.]

Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.

Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.

Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course.

Ross: Come on.

Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.

Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him because...?

Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of...

Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated.

Rachel: Yeah right.

Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.

Rachel: (sigh) OK.

Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.

Rachel: You don't.

Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Mmmm.

Rachel: You do?

204

Ross: I do.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully rubs his head and gets up)

(Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)

Joey: It's never gonna happen.

Ross: (innocently) What?

Joey: You and Rachel.

Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?

Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.

Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.

Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.

Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...

Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.

Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?

Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind them)

Ross: Shhhh!

Rachel: What are you shushing?

Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen. (everyone is silent) Don't you hear that?

Rachel: Ahhhh!

Ross: See?

Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Jill: Would you like some gum?

205

Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?

Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.

Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.

[Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]

Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)

Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.

Joey: Are you going to do it?

Ross: I'm going to do it.

Joey: Do you want any help?

Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.

Joey: Good luck, man.

Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.

Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)

(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)

Joey: Hey, where are you going?

Monica: Outside.

Joey: You can't go out there.

Monica: Why not?

Joey: Because of... the reason.

Monica: And that would be?

Joey: I, um, can't tell you.

Monica: Joey, what's going on?

Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you.

Monica: About what?

206

Joey: He's planning your birthday party.

Monica: Oh my God! I love him!

Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You'd better act surprised.

Phoebe: About what?

Monica: My surprise party!

Phoebe: What surprise party?

Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.

Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me.

Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.

Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.

Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.

Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to last.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and Rachel are talking.]

Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.

Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.

Rachel: OK.

Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....

Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross)

Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...

Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)

Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!

[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]

207

Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since...

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]

Monica: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.

(Ross flinches in pain.)

Joey: Sorry, that was wax.

Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.

Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?

Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled!

Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah?

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

[Scene: The hallwayof Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.]

Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right?

Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.

Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine.

Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you sure?

Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.

Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name?

Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons.

Rachel: Bob Buttons?

Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.

208

Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!

Mr. Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.

[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.]

Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty...

(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)

Paolo: (something Italian)

Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and Joey are playing Monopoly.]

Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes....

Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.

Monica: (smitten) Hi!

Rachel: And Joey....

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: And Ross.

Monica: Hi!

Paolo: (something in Italian)

Rachel: (proudly) He doesn't speak much English.

Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly!

Rachel: Look at that!

Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come from?

Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think.

Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.

Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!

209

Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey).... and Rachel keeps touching him.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.

Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.

Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... sincenobody told me... this is Paolo.

Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.

Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)

Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha!

[Scene: ATM vestibule.]

Chandler: (chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.

(Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.)

Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)

Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking.

(Chandler starts to choke.)

Jill: Are you alright?

(Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.)

Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth) That better?

Chandler: (gasping) Yes... thank you. That was... that was....

Jill: Perfection?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.]

Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars)

210

Ross: (mocking Paolo) Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah....

(Rachel walks away from Paolo, laughing.)

Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny?

Rachel: I have absolutely no idea.

Ross: That's... that's classic.

Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me!

Monica: If you want, I'll do it.

(Ross looks at Joey.)

Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. (Rachel looks at her) But I won't.

Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.

Phoebe: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... (they stare at her)... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK.

Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd....

[Cut to the other side of the apartment, Ross has gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.]

Ross: Paolo. Hi.

Paolo: Ross!

(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.)

Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing.

Paolo: Thing?

Ross: Thing, yes. Thing.

Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex?

Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um...

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Paolo: Bed?

Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad.

Paolo: Oh!

Ross: Yeah! Se vice?

Paolo: Si.

Ross: So you do know a little English.

Paolo: Poco... a leetle.

Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?

Paolo: No.

Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!

(They hug.)

[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]

Jill: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this! Now watch, it's easy.

Chandler: OK.

Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head in a circle)

(Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.)

Jill: No, you've got to whip it.

(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all sitting around the table.]

Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... (someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark)

Ross: Thank you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights.

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Joey: (does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!

(Everyone starts to imitate him.)

Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...

(The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.)

Ross: Oh.. oh... oh.

Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.

Closing Credits

[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]

Jill: Well, this has been fun.

Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life.

Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.

(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)

Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.

End

8. The One Where Nana Dies Twice

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break. Shelley enters.)

Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?

Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?

Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.

Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self- destructive'...

Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?

213

Chandler: Yes please.

Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-

Chandler: He's a he?

Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)

Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?

Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be...

Chandler: You did?

Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.

Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?

Monica: I did.

Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Joey: Not me.

Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.

Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?

Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...

(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops.)

Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?

Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...

Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?

All: Yeah! Right!

Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!

214

Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.

All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.

Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

(Phone rings; Monica gets it)

Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome.

Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bon giorno, caro mio.

Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.

Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.

Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it's Nana.

[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)

Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?

Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.

Monica: How-how are you, Mom?

Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair?

Monica: What?

Mrs. Geller: What's different?

Monica: Nothing.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.

(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside.)

Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...

Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriendsand your career to cover.

Monica: Oh God!

(They hug.)

215

[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]

Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.

Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.

Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.

(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)

Nurse: Mrs. Geller?

(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room.)

Ross: She looks so small.

Monica: I know.

Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.

Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)

Ross: Bye, Nana.

(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)

Monica: Ross!

(Ross runs out too.)

Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!

Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite..

Mrs. Geller: What?

Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.

Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?

Mr. Geller: She may have died.

Aunt Lillian: She may have died?

Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.

(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room.)

216

Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)

Nurse: This almost never happens!

(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family)

Ross: Now she's passed.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]

Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?

Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.

Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexualhair.

(Monica and Ross enter.)

Rachel: So, um, did she...

Ross: Twice.

Joey: Twice?

Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!

Joey: You guys okay?

Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...

Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.

Ross: Nono, she's gone.

Monica: We checked. A lot.

Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.

Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.

217

Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?

Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands back the pencil)

[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]

Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.

Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!

(They open a cupboardwhich, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)

Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?

Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.

(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)

Ross: Here's my retainer!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to her father.]

Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-

Monica: Dad!

Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.

Monica: You what?

Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.

Monica: Define fun.

Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...

Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.

Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.

Monica: That's probably what they'll say.

Mr. Geller: I'd like that.

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.

218

Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-

Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.

Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!

Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?

Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...

Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.

Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple.

Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?

Shelley: What? He's cute!

Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.

Shelley: Is Brian...?

Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.

Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.

Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.

[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]

Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?

Aunt Lillian: No.

Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellowpant-suit, go with the burgundy.

Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.

Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.

Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)

Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!

(Ross falls back inside)

219

Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)

Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.

Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?

Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?

Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.

Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.

Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?

Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.

(He finds a shoebox(out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)

Ross: Oh my God..

Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?

Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.

(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoeboxlid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]

Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?

Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?

Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.

Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.

Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?

Phoebe: What'd I say?

Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.

Monica: Are these the shoes?

Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.

220

Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?

Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?

Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?

(They all leave.)

[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]

Monica: It was a really beautiful service.

Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.

(Joey listens to his overcoatfor a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)

Joey: What?

Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoatsounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.

Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)

Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?

Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.

Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.

(Rachel steps in a patch of mud)

Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!

Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.

Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!

Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave)

All: God! Ross!

Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised...

[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured.]

Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.

221

Ross: What, what is it?

Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.

Ross: Oh! No-n-

Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.

Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)

(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)

Chandler: Oh, no-

Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.

Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.

(They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned)

Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?

Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.

Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?

Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)

Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...

Ross: ...Chandler!

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.

Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)

Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.

Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I love the most?

Ross: No.

Rachel: You!

Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps across her)

222

(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)

Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?

Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing disability.

Mr. Geller: What's the score?

Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third.

Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)

(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game)

Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?

Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmotherwould have hated this.

Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.

Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazedham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.

Monica: That sounds like Nana.

Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?

Monica: ...I can imagine.

Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life- affirmingperson that she is.

Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?

Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?

Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example.

Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.

Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth?

Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along.

Monica: Huh.

223

Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear?

Monica: Oh, I think so.

Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's hair again, and realises) Those earringslook really lovely on you.

Monica: Thank you. They're yours.

Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.

(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.)

Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone) Even more than I was.

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are looking at old photos.]

Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?

Ross: That little naked guy would be me.

Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.

Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-upsnow?

Chandler: Who are those people?

Ross: Got me.

Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.

Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?

Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?

Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)

Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!

Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]

Chandler: Hey, Lowell.

Lowell: Hey, Chandler.

224

Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services?

Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you?

Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.

Lowell: I know. That's what I told her.

Chandler: Really.

Lowell: Yeah.

Chandler: So- you can tell?

Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of... radar.

Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?

Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.

Chandler: He is?

Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. (Exits)

End

9. The One WhereUnderdogGets Away

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]

Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?

Terry: An advance?

Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.

Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.

Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]

225

Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?

Guy: Huh?

Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?

Ross: No, they're not.

Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.

Ross: You're wrong.

Monica: I am not wrong.

Ross: You're wrong.

Monica: No, I just talked to them.

Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.

(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)

Joey: Hey, hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Chandler: And this from the cry-for-helpdepartment. Are you wearing makeup?

Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.

Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

Phoebe: What were you modeling for?

Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?

Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?

Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.

Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?

226

Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers)

Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.

Joey: Thanks.

(Ross comes back to the couch.)

Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving.

Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's.

Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?

Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.

Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.

Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?

Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.

Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.

Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?

Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?

Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.

Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.

Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.

Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?

Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.

[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]

227

Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?

Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.

Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.

Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.

Susan: What's it look like?

Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.

Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.

Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.

Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.

Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.

Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.

Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy?

Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?

Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?

Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.

Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?

Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.

Ross: Really?

Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]

Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this.

Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.

Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.

228

(Rachel enters.)

Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?

Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.

Monica: Rach, here's your mail.

Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.

Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.

Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.

Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?

(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)

Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.

Monica: We all chipped in.

Joey: (to Monica) We did?

Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!

Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.

Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?

Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.

Ross: Oh, I hate this story.

Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.

Rachel: Oh my god.

Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.

[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]

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Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.

Girl: We did?

Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?

Girl: Yeah, right.

Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.

Girl: Get out.

Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.

Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.

Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?

Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.

Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?

Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.

Joey: What's wrong?

Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.

Joey: Oh. What?

Girl: Um, leave.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait!

(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gang.]

Joey: So I guess you all saw it.

Rachel: Saw what?

Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]

Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.

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Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]

Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?

Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.

Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop moping.

Ross: That's closer.

(Rachel enters, excited.)

Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.

Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.

Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.

Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?

Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.

(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)

Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!

Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.

(Chandler leaves.)

Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.

Monica: That's not a question.

Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.

Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.

Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.

(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)

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Monica: Ah!

Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.

(Ross exits.)

Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.

Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.

Monica: Why would we do that?

Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.

Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.

Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!

(Chandler enters, running.)

Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdoghas just gotten away.

Joey: The balloon?

Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?

Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.

Chandler: Come on. An 80-footinflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?

Phoebe: Almost never.

Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!

Rachel: Ok.

(Everyone leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]

Carol: Anytime you're ready.

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Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...

Carol: Just aim for the bump.

Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.

Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.

Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]

Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park.

Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.

Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?

Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.

Monica: No I don't.

Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys."

Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?"

Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".

Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?

Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.

Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!

Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.

Monica: Well then get it, get it!

Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.

Monica: (angry) Joey!

Joey: That one will.

(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)

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[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]

Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.

Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.

Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?

(Susan enters.)

Susan: Hi, how's it goin?

Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?

Carol: I did.

Ross: Does it always, uh--?

Carol: No, no that was the first.

Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!

Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.

Susan: I felt it!

Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.

[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]

Joey: Nope, not that one.

Monica: Can you go any faster with that?

Joey: Hey, I got one keyholeand about a zillion keys. You do the math.

Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?

Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.

Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not.

Monica: I swear you said you had the keys.

234

Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.

Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.

(Short pause.)

Monica: Why would I have the keys?

Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?

Monica: But I didn't.

Rachel: Well, you should have.

Monica: Why?

Rachel: Because!

Monica: Why?

Rachel: Because!

Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I...

Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.

(They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)

Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.

(Ross enters, singing.)

Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell like Mom's.

Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.

Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.

Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice.

Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?

235

Joey: You call that delicious?

(all shouting)

Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.

[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at the window.]

Phoebe: Ooh.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.

(They all run to the window.)

Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!

Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!

Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.

[Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.]

Chandler: Shall I carve?

Rachel: By all means.

Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?

Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.

Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me?

Joey: Oh, I will.

Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.

Monica: Make a wish?

Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?

Joey: The bigger half.

Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I

236 think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.

All: That's so sweet.

Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.

Rachel: And a crappy New Year.

Chandler: Here, here!

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows:

Bladder Control Problem Stop Wife Beating Hemorrhoids? Winner of 3 Tony Awards...

He's finally happy with that and walks away.]

End

10. The One With The Monkey

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.

(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)

All: Oooh!

Monica: W-wait. What is that?

Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?

Monica: No, no, I don't.

Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?

Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.

237

Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?

Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!

Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?

Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...

Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?

Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommateis kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.]

Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.

Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.

(Enter Joey)

All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.

Monica: So, how'd it go?

Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.

Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.

Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.

Monica: So what are you gonna be?

Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?

Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?

Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!

Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!

238

Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.

All: Yeah, okay. Alright.

Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.

All: Woooo! Yeah!

Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.

Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!

Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)

I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? (shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...

(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)

Phoebe: (Sung)

...My mother's ashes Even her eyelashes Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's breezy...

(Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion)

Phoebe: (Sung)

...I feel a little sneezy And now I- (abruptly stops)

Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?

Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.

Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!

239

Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!

David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-

Phoebe: Could you speak up please?

David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought

Max: Daryl Hannah.

David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a

Max: Hard quality.

David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (Sits down)

Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)

Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]

Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)

Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?

Ross: Just a smidge.

Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.

Monica: I think it's romantic.

Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact.

240

Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?

Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.

Monica: What?!

Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!

Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.

Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakupin history!

Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!

[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]

Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.

(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)

Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!

Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)

Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!

(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)

Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!

Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?

Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?

Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces...

Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.

Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.

Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

[Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.]

David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle acceleratorsare nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.

241

Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then.

David: Yuh.

Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?

David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.

Phoebe: Sure.

David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweepeverything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.

Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trappedinside a physicist's body.

David: Rrrreally.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.

David: ...Now? Now?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now.

David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a computer) Y'know what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope) And I'll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)

Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.

David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?

Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table)

(They kiss, finally)

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?

Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.

Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?

242

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?

Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.

Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...

Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!

Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.

Ross: Okay, so on our no-dateevening, three of you now have dates.

Joey: Uh, four.

Ross: Four.

Rachel: Five.

Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)

Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.

Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do?

Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who.

Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now.

Monica: What's the matter?

Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands...

Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.

Ross: Really.

Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.

Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing?

Chandler: With the balled-upsocks? I figured you taught him that.

Ross: No.

Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...

243

(Max runs in)

Max: Phoebe. Hi.

Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?

Max: No. Have you seen David?

Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.

Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.

Phoebe: Minsk?

Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.

Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.

Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.

Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?

Max: January first.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]

Phoebe: Hello?

David: Hey!

Phoebe: Hi.

David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?

Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratulations! This is so exciting!

Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going.

Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) Oh, why?

Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' (Storms out)

David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.

Phoebe: So-so you're really not going?

244

David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide.

Phoebe: Oh don't do that.

David: Please.

Phoebe: Oh no no.

David: No, but I'm asking-

Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that-

David: No, but I can't-

Phoebe: It's your thing, and-

David: -make the decision-

Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.

David: Stay.

Phoebe: Stay.

(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)

Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on)

David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]

Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)

Chandler: You remember Janice.

Monica: Vividly.

(Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)

Monica: Hi.

Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy.

Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids.

Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right?

245

(Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)

Ross: Par-tay!

Monica: That thing is not coming in here.

Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?

Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriendwouldn't urinate on my coffee table.

Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...

Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me.

Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.

(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)

Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo?

Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.

Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?

Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?

[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]

Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.

Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.

Sandy: Yeah.

(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)

Joey: Hey, kids...

Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.

246

Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!

Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!

Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a camera and he starts snapping) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!

Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.

(Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole)

Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!

(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)

Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!

Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?

(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)

[Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears]

Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again.

Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.

Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice...Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-

Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.

Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...

Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)

(Ross is still taking photos)

Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)

(David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)

Phoebe: Hi, Max!

Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk without you.

David: Wow.

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Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)

Phoebe: Are you alright?

David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

(Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)

Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.

David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.

Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.

David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.

Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.

David: Uh, ow.

Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.

David: I'll never forget you.

Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnightand you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.

Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstormof confetti here in Times Square...

(Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)

Joey: There y'go, kids.

Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacockbit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)

Joey: You seen Sandy?

Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.

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Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.

All: (in the kitchen) What?

Rachel: The bll is drrbing!

Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...

Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.

Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.

Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.

Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!

(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnightcomes and everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses)

Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)

Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.

Rachel: I can't kiss anyone.

Monica: So I'm kissing everyone?

Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.

Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me.

Chandler:Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!

Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross takes a photo) There.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]

Ross: (Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel) I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back.

Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.

End

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