!1
Sausage Fest ______
A Ten Minute Play
by
Eli Keel
C 2015 1149 Goss Avenue By Eli Keel Louisville Kentucky, 40217 (502)930-5774 [email protected] !2
Cast of Characters
DAVID Straight laced conservative Christian. Older than John. FRANK Straight laced gay Christian. John's live in lover. JIMMY Not straight. Not straight laced. Johns outrageous lover. Maybe young, maybe just young at heart. TOM John's third lover. The academic type? JOHN An out and proud gay Christian man who knows how to live and ain't ashamed of his lifestyle. Scene A hospital room Time Presentish !3
At rise:
(John is in a hospital bed. His brother David is praying over him.)
David: Please? I need more time. My sweet Jesus, I know you love even the lowest sinner. I know you have more forgiveness than you have stars in your cosmos. I know you must love him. I know you must even though he…. Even though his soul is not in a fit state. But wouldn't his voice be just right for that choir you got going up there? Please help him wake up. Please? And then please help me speak your words so that he finally listens. (Pause.)
Please don't let my baby brother go to hell. (Frank enters.)
Frank: Good morning.
David: Good morning.
Frank: Are you um. How do you know John?
David: I'm John's brother.
Frank: Oh. Oh. I thought he didn't speak with his family. How did you know he was/
David: It appears that I am his next of kin.
FRANK: Well I'm his emergency contact.
DAVID: Ok.
FRANK: Why are you here? !4
DAVID: He's my brother. We have dinner once a year. It usually ends in a fight. Are you his...
Frank: Yes. I'm Frank.
David: I'm David. I'm here to pray for him.
Frank: I'm a Christian you know.
David: Ok.
Frank: So is John. I've taken him to my church. In fact, that's when I first knew I was in love with him. When I heard him sing "On Eagles Wings."
David: He always loved that song.
Frank: I just wanted you to know. We don't live some Godless life of drugs and squalor, and, I don't know. Heroin. Or whatever. And I know how to pray just fine.
David: Frank?
Frank: Yes?
DAVID: He used to get teased so much. For singing so loud in church. All the other kids would just mumble along. They couldn't wait to get out of church, and go get into trouble somewhere. But John loved church. Loved singing. We always thought he was going to join the church. When he came out, the shock nearly killed my parents. They thought they had a pastor, instead they had a pervert. They quit speaking to him. But I never quite did. I know John goes to church. I know he's a deacon. I know he loves God. But that doesn't mean his isn't going to hell if he dies. !5
(the next bits can overlap a bit.)
FRANK: How dare you/
DAVID: You brought it up/
FRANK: You bastard you wanna talk about hell
DAVID Don't you understand? I'm so scared for him, I love him so much/
FRANK: Do you?
DAVID: Yes. Do you?
FRANK: Yes. Can I put these flowers down and say hello to him?
DAVID: I was trying to finish a prayer for him before you came in.
FRANK: Well, from what that doctor told me, we're all going to have plenty of time to pray tonight.
DAVID: There is a chapel down the hall. Sometimes times it's easier for me to feel the Lords presence in his house.
FRANK: Thank you. (DAVID Exits.)
Lord give me strength. (Frank puts flowers down, walk to edge of Johns bed, kisses him.)
I told you to be careful with your heart. If you wake up I'm putting you on the worst diet. The worst. We're going to start walking, and bike riding, and I'm gonna make you start going with to yoga with me. !6
Your brother is some piece of work. Oh my God, at first I thought he was one of the others. I'm glad I didn't say anything. He thinks you're going to hell for just living with me, imagine what he'd think if he met/
(In the hallway we hear a loud voice.)
JIMMY: Oh my gawd! David! It's so nice to meet you. Now don't you worry about our John. He's a fighter so I know any second he's going to get up out of that bed and start singing arias or hallelujahs or something. You wait and see.
FRANK: Oh dear god. Jimmy's here.
(JIMMY enters, towing a confused David)
JIMMY: Nice digs. Oh hey. Frank right?
FRANK: Yes.
JIMMY: I'm Jimmy. I'm Johns toy.
FRANK: Yes Jimmy, we've met. Several times.
JIMMY: You were at the Fetish Festivus! You had the the leather and latex/
(FRANK grabs his arm, and speaks sotto voce:)
FRANK: Jimmy, can you please tone it down. David and I are trying our best to be polite to each other, but he doesn't need to hear every detail of his brothers sex life.
(JIMMY pulls away. His bubbles have turned to ice.)
JIMMY: !7
Tone it down? Get you hands of me you old faggot. If I won't tone it down for my redneck born again family, I won't tone it down for some preachers son from straits ville, and I sure as hell won't tone it down for some dried out old queen who's just trying to be a nice little white picket fence gay. I'm here and I'm queer. Get the fuck over yourself.
FRANK: Fine. Will you tone it down for John? He needs quiet, he needs rest.
JIMMY: Frank baby. And David? What John needs is love. He needs all of us to love him. He needs his judgmental brother. He needs his stick in the mud boring lover. And he needs his toy.
(JIMMY rushes to Johns bedside, kisses him a lot. Tugs John's beard if he has one.)
Now wake up for us cuddly do right. You scared me so much, and it's time for you to wake up.
DAVID: Just double checking, you guys are both intimate with John?
(They answer simultaneously)
FRANK: Yes.
JIMMY: Oh yes.
DAVID: Okay. Well. Are you intimate with each other?
FRANK: JIMMY: No. Once on John's birthday.
JIMMY:
(Whispers to David.) It was weird. !8
DAVID: (falls to his knees in desperation. Frank and Jimmy are dumbstruck)
Dear sweet Jesus I know that you have room in your heart for every sinner sweet Jesus, I know, for we are all sinners, my sweet Jesus I just ask that you help me help these sinners, these sodomites, sweet Jesus, so that I can keep them from the fires of hell. (DAVID repeats this prayer, as JIMMY says)
JIMMY: Excuse me?
DAVID:
(unhearing continues) Dear sweet Jesus I know that you have room in your heart for every sinner sweet Jesus, I know for we are all sinners, my sweet Jesus I just ask/
JIMMY: (shouting over David.) HEY MISTER CRAZY PANTS PRAYING JESUS LOVING FREAKBOY SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR A SINGLE DAMN MINUTE.
FRANK: (shouting over JIMMY and DAVID) DON'T SHOUT JIMMY YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE.
JIMMY: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
FRANK: FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY WE CAN ALL JUST SHOUT TILL THE DOCTORS COME REMOVE US.
JIMMY: YOU MAY HAVE A POINT. (walks over and slaps DAVID, who is shocked into silence.)
JIMMY: David! !9
DAVID: Don't hit me again.
JIMMY: Do you love your brother?
DAVID: Yes.
JIMMY: Then let that be enough, and let your Jesus worry about his sexuality.
DAVID: Jimmy, the lord works through us, his vassals. He needs my hands to work with John's soul.
JIMMY: Well okay. But, if all you ever do is judge him, and tell him he's going to hell... well I mean. I guess my question is, how's that working out? How often do you see him? How is Jesus gonna use his vassal if all you ever do is drive John away? Instead, stay awhile. Keep your comments to yourself, and just love John. Give Jesus some time to work. After all, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
(A pause. The machines whir and beep. The moments are reaaaallly awkward. Finally-)
FRANK: Will you sing with me?
DAVID: JIMMY: Yes. Sure why not.
FRANK:
(Reaches his hands out to JIMMY and DAVID. DAVID hesitates but accepts. FRANK begins a song, maybe On Eagles Wings)
You need not fear the terror of the night (DAVID JOINS) nor the arrow that flies by day !10
(JIMMY is also pretending to sing, but he doesn't really know the words) though thousands fall about, near you it shall not come and he will raise you up on eagles wings
(Tom enters.)
TOM:
Excuse me is this John's room?
FRANK:
..... Lord give me strength.
DAVID: Are you the doctor?
TOM: I'm A doctor. Of gender studies and human sexuality...
JOHN: (wakes up, and sees all this mess.)
Oh sweet Jesus please take me now.
(the room erupts as all of Johns boyfriends and his brother rush to his side. DAVID is calling him John, FRANK is calling him Bear, Jimmy is calling him snuggly do right, and Tom is calling him squish a boo.)
JOHN: Please, everybody give me a second. Hold on now, just.... HEY! Everybody back off!
(They do. He continues in a soft voice.)
I'll talk to everyone in a minute, but I need to talk to my brother first.
(Everyone exits but DAVID.) !11
How long have they been here?
DAVID: Long enough.
JOHN: Was it a heart attack?
DAVID: Massive coronary.
JOHN: Goddamnit. Sorry. But I bet Frank is gonna make me do yoga now.
DAVID: It's going to be a long hard recovery.
JOHN: You're still here? After meeting everyone?
DAVID: Yes. I've decided to stick around for a while.
JOHN: Good. I need my brother. I love you man.
DAVID: I love you John. And God loves you.
JOHN: Thanks Davey.
DAVID: Nobody calls me Davey anymore.
JOHN: Till the day you die big brother. Till the day you die. Wanna call the others back in?
(DAVID calls in the others.)
David, can you lead us in a prayer?
David: Sure thing. !12
Dear Heavenly Father, we cannot know your ways and wisdom, and we cannot know your plan. But your son John is much beloved on this earth, as evidenced by this...
JIMMY: Sausage fest?
Frank: ...gathering today. We ask a selfish thing now, that you give us a few more years, before John is gathered to your breast, before he joins your choir. Let this angel sing on earth for a little while longer.
(BLACK OUT)
(END OF PLAY)